Daily Log 9
Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.
Activities: Worked on the previously mentioned tapestry style painting thing for like 5-6 hours today (with a few breaks in between), and that's just for the border around the main picture lol.. I think all the little sections and detail always take longer than I think they might. But hopefully the final product will look interesting! :0
I feel like I'm entering another Sick Phase where I just am weird/ill/sleepy/having joint pains much of the day (probably some vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances or general bodily inflammation or whatever nonsense seems to randomly pop up from time to time lol), so couldn't focus on anything more intensive like writing or editing videos, unfortunately. It's good to have smaller crafts I can do that don't take much mental effort and are just menial hand tasks (like carving, painting, sculpting, etc.), but I still always feel frustrated falling behind on the things I see as much more broadly significant to my overall life and potential career (making games, writing, finishing videos, socializing, costumes, etc.)
Organized my desk a little. Responded to some doctor emails. Paid bills.
Planned out something I might make with pressed flowers tomorrow.
Edited like 4 costume photos.
Also have a lingering sense of dread due to the weather. The heat often makes me feel terrible, and if I'm already in kind of a Bad Phase at the moment, I'm afraid of it making it even worse... stimky..
Which I know these temperatures are nothing to some people but.. to me... aUGHHHH... I am abnormally heat sensitive + live in a dinky old apartment with no ventilation that gets direct sun the hottest part of the day.. on a 90F day outside, it literally gets about 84F inside.. like.. even people who love the heat I feel like would struggle to sleep at night if their bed is 85F lol... hewwo.. You can spray yourself down with water, drink ice water, put a fan on yourself, etc. etc. but.. sometimes it just feels so oppressive and inescapable..
ANYWAY. Aside from painting, feeling weird, and dreading the upcoming heat/contemplating my entire life and how to get enough money to move to a different climate somehow one day/existential exhaustion/etc., I didn't accomplish very much lol
Spent maybe 30 minutes thinking about a little more worldbuilding stuff, and some things in reference to the game I mentioned resuming work on at some point.
Notable sights: The clouds were really pretty and pastel this afternoon, and some stars are visible in the sky for once since the nights are beginning to be clearer. The 'forget me not' flowers that I thought had died after transplanting actually seemed to be perked up and healthy looking today, and perhaps may actually survive. >:3
Goals moving forward: Do new poll adventure post. focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with the ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.
Notable foods: Not much, kind of a warm day so didn't really want to use the oven. No idea how I'll handle the diet I've been put on by my doctors (involves usually cooking all food fresh, using the stove a lot, nothing is supposed to be canned or processed or premade, so that eliminates a lot of 'quick easy simple warm weather' meals, etc. etc.) during the heatwave. I might just have to break the diet a little and hope it doesn't give me stomach pains while I'm already hot and feeling sick lol..
I did have a boiled egg with some green onions on top, which is very simple but was refreshing somehow lol. Another ice cold ginger ale treat today, and some cold prune juice (which I know most people find gross/it's an old person food/etc., but I like that it's a smooth textured and not very sweet juice? Like it's slightly thicker than apple juice, has a lightly bitter taste, etc. I just find it nice for some reason. More evidence I am secretly an 85 year old wizard)
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he tells me i'm jaded. he says - you love showers so much, why not stand in a rainstorm instead?
rainstorms have a potential to take down tree branches. they're unregulated. they get my clothes wet. in the time of my grandparents, maybe it would be more romantic. it's a drought where i live. the rain that comes down is sullen, yellow with pollution. i bite half my nails off reading about climate predictions. i stand in the shower and shift from one foot to the other, feeling annoyed with myself because i care about all of this, of course, but as a climate scientist i'm functionally useless.
he says - the color is all gone from the world! people used to like bright things. what happened to all of us?
i feel like rich people love minimalism differently. they like to remind others - i don't really need things. they can afford to have-less. they don't need to worry about buying extra; they can just get it later.
my car is silver so in 5 years after paying back the loan i might be able to sell it, if i don't hurt it too bad and if i don't drive it too hard, and if luck is in my corner. it's just a simple sedan, nothing-special. i guess i'm technically borrowing it from the bank. i can't really-decorate my apartment; i don't own it. i am not going to be able to afford a house any time soon. i would love to make my walls a wash of bright color - but i'd lose my deposit.
my clothes are all in neutrals; classic cuts that have very little fuss or personality attached to them. i worry about fast fashion and my finances; i want to be sure that i can wear the shirt in the future without feeling stupid and out-of-touch. the other day i finally tore through a pair of shorts i've had for about ten years now. i went home and tried to figure out how to repurpose the denim. how to make everything last a little longer. i sometimes will try on something trendy and cool and colorful - and then i pick out something i know will last me a long time instead. muted, conservative, unimpressive.
he says - the real world is waiting! everyone is so obsessed with their phones these days. go outside, connect with your friends!
it costs twenty dollars to go on the guided tour. they don't let you into the conservatory without a 320 dollar yearly membership. i come up with a spreadsheet, trying to figure out where my friends have schedule openings that overlap with mine. we both frown over our calendars - can't do thursday that week, anything in two weeks? there's no train, it costs forty dollars in transportation for her to come over; but i miss her, so i venmo her. we both bemoan the fact that there's just no way to get around without a car.
i am actually a full-blooded romantic. i am actually someone who truly and deeply believes in hope and the future of humanity. i am a poet, after all - i write because i believe someone out there, like me, is watching the world crumble while nursing a broken heart. i believe that most of us want to be kind, to be good, to turn our cheeks to the sky and be contented and warm.
it just feels like - there's this strange, brewing storm. where people with money and power and prestige get to say - hope is a yacht, just hop on and go.
and all us jaded, horrible little still-here tear-stained cockroaches, who croak and complain about global injustice: we don't accept it. we make our lives beautiful with whatever we can wrestle out of stone. we clutch our diaries and our sunflowers and our songs to our chest. ugly and hurting, we snarl - hope isn't yours though. it's ours.
it's all we have left.
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long thoughts i had while listening to dreams 🤓podcast🤓
obsessed with the idea of saving time like with the wayback machine and traveling to select saved/marked/preserved moments like that
get me in the ring coach i wanna talk to dream about it. gonna hit em with the "yeah we can but Should we" just to see what he does
im a big advocate for putting together an ethics committee cause we're only gonna need one More as time goes on and hardware/SOFTWARE advances.. especially software
cApItAlIsM LeAdS tO iNnOvAtIoN yeah when they want to empty the clouds before a big sports event, but the simultaneously dumbest and most important question here is whos gonna pay for using it where people Need it not that they Need that when there are simpler tech options to fix stuff like world hunger and global warming literally we could solve every single problem listed right NOWWWWW its just that NOBDOY WANTS TO FUCKING PAY FOR ITTT CAPITALISM IS SO GOOOOOOD .. OBVIOUS SARCASM ...
hes talking about technically everything being useless except for your brain.. yeah dream the only reason thats the case is we dont understand how the brain works. if we understand how the brain works we wont even need the biomass there too
im allowed to say dreams dumb because im smarter than him and i also love all these topics
"DIE EARLY I DONT CARE"
hfjgj hes just wow'ed by the possibilities open to us huh... hes also totally stuck at step 1 bc chat is so so miserably stupid
well. having muscles and spending the energy to move around helps regulate our system. its like when you go onto space and 0 gravity ..
i mean yeah you can drug yourself with endorphins too. is that as valid a way to live as any?
why do we need all this? it CAN be made but there are so many more things to consider than just innovation innovation innovation fast fast fast. a genuine question to consider is, when does convenience start cutting out things that can't be calculated? but yknow what AI struggling with soft sciences is like the whole big question right now so im gonna move on
"METEORITES"
that seems so painful to have to crack open meteorites to fulfill future water demands. why cant we just maintain the cycles instead? i mean like yeah i can think "ai does the math automated controlled detonation system" but thats doing too much. i'd just occams razor that bitch. earth has its own system why do we have to make our own less efficient system other than just to just be able to say we did it. like its cool but inefficient you might as well program your grocery delivery bot to perform a musical number before it lets you touch your food. its dumb
climate change fixing, actually i was on tiktok and someone made a video about how they fixed the acid rain from the 60s i think. which was deincentivizing companies by putting a cap on pollution levels, giving them buyable passes, allowing them to buy them from Each Other, and then making it more monetarily profitable to invest in green energy and sell off their pollution passes. like. thats FUNNY. and that WORKED.
trueeee change and development takes time but it also takes money. time for the people below, money for the people above 🤓🥸
i personally want horses to come back.
like yas i hate gas cars
bring back the horse
its true that prices lower as tech gets less and less expensive to make and mass produced, all ethics on THAT topic aside, but this makes me think of going to the store and seeing massive, beautiful tvs that would have been thousands in 2010, selling for 400 just sitting on the floor. the opulence of this fucking era occasionally hits me when im in a grocery store surrounded by food just sitting there...
empathy huh.. off topic tangent, but i'm a firm believer in that hereditary inherited trauma/genetic memories, i completely believe thats an actual thing, and when i have to think about humanity i think about how we're all beings made up of layers upon layers of ideas that Worked. if it didnt Work we would not have Been here. thats how evolution works, yeah? if we were to program a robot to feel empathy and to have consciousness, would we follow that same process to have it generate its humanity? how else would we create consciousness? or maybe we could follow the octopus format of having multiple computation centers that communicate.. is that any less or any more valid a form of consciousness than anything else ... i wonder what dream would say on these topic. and yet ALL OF THIS is totally moot once ai develop to think faster and bigger than us because i cant
i think ai would have as many limits as humans do. its a hardware vs software situation just like everything else
i wanna be like "living as a robot is just another way to live, chase your happiness" but do i really wanna get into the social when dreams already moved on in the podcast okay
ROBOT REPRODUCTION.. ELIMINATE BABIES ENTIRELY .. though i agree, there's still developing to do even if you could download worldly knowledge and experience directly into a newborn's head.
oh he circled back around to it, but i also really appreciate having the option to do it even if i dont. or to Not do it even if i Do. just on principle. but that's MY view on the world
life purpose and meaning huh ...
i like that dream optimistic, though. its one of the things that makes him matter so much to me.
the people who are causing climate change can be MADE to care, though. it's possible.
well. asking this question to the universe but do we really have to hit rock bottom before anything gets done? why does everything have to be a tragedy? cant we just solve the problem before its the World End? why does it always have to be this way?
i hope dream is enjoying his ice 🥺
i agree. humans are cockroach-like. we really are the biggest threat to ourselves.
disaster events always gets everyones priorities in order. but i really wish it didnt have to be so dire for that to occur. why does this always have to be the case
OH HERE WE GO AGAIN. GHOSTS ARE SCIENCE
THATS THE PROBLEM DREAM BELIEVES IN HEART BUT HE DOESNT BELIEVE IN SPIRIT. "they could. anything's technically possible i dont think my view is the only right view but based on my worldview i dont believe in ghosts because theres no evidence pointing to it whatsoever so i dont have any reason to believe it" YOU'LL SEE. YOU'LL ALL SEE
"so whats up" nothin much man whats up with you
the fucking word hunt sounds im crying
okay post over thanks for reading guys
put me in the ring coach id love to talk with you!!!!!!
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