#writing this with this wretched keyboard was a nightmare

[longeyelashedtragedy]

2023 post

i'm struggling through this with a kind of broken keyboard (sticky M U J keys) so bear with me!

because the last month of this year has been such a fucking nightmare (that i'll be working to remove myself from come tuesday) i realized that the good things that happened this year kind of escaped me.

cause--this year was good, in ways that as always with my life cannot be seen by the outside world. it was a messy year but some things changed that i still haven't fully made sense of.

-this year i met so many cool people on here, or got closer to some other people who i'd known before. if "meeting cool people on tumblr" was a skill you could put on your resume, i would definitely feel qualified to put it on my resume, but this year i feel like i just got acquainted with a really high quality group of people (all who support different teams, too!) and that's been so much fun and rewarding as well. i always feel a bit guarded telling people that i care about them but...i do. a lot!

-this june i went on a #YOLO trip to the netherlands that i could not afford but even now when i see my charming credit card debt i have to say i have No Regerts. i got to meet two of these tumblr friends who i've been close to for long enough that they've transcended "internet friend" for me and feel like Friends I've Known a Long Time. we had such a comfortable and fun time travelling together, to a place i've wanted to visit since i was young, and the benefit of meeting Tumblr Friends in real life is that you can make sure everyone's brain needs are taken care of! together we went to see italy beat NL (feat. virg van d slur in the flesh) in the stadium and then watched croatia lose to spain in the basement of a sports bar in utrecht and they got to see that it's 100% true that i cry during the croatian national anthem before the game 😂 i got to do so many bucket list things--visit the rijksmuseum, go solo to delft and see all the vermeer places and settings of my favorite book, girl with a pearl earring (and accidentally wander into a government building looking for a church, whoops), and see the girl with a pearl earring herself for the second time, but this time at her home in the mauritshuis. also i took a lot of fun trains and like every time i go from american Big Corn Syrup and Weird Additives food to europe, everything i ate was good as fuck. and i slept in a pod for two nights! i have the opposite of claustrophobia (claustro...philia? lol) so that slapped. so great, and getting to meet up with friends who live on the other side of an ocean is so fucking special.

-LAMPARDVERSE! nuff said, but it's been an absolute blast getting to co-create it and research all the lore. this is just the beginning, long may it live!!! also thanks to you all for putting up with me blasting a white english chelsea man on your dashes. it will happen again.

-irl stuff...the most unexpected. this year i was able to comfortably become friendly with people who are quite different from me. i was confident in the parts of my personality that are Different--i had fun owning it, and i saw that people really like that person. the craziest thing was that a huge obstacle in my path was that cptsd causes me to feel physically uncomfortable around people, even people i like, aside from emotional discomfort, but the thing is when your body is getting physical danger signals they're extremely difficult to "ignore" (for a reason!) or put aside to focus on the mental stuff.

this year i just went for it--went through months of extremely draining and uncomfortable "exposure therapy" by way of forcing myself to try to stay present in conversations with people i knew i liked, even if the conversations/their presence freaked me out and drained me. (i'm not some magical uwu inspiration/good luck miracle, for anyone who might be in this situation and feel envious--i've been in intense therapy since 2013, do a lot of my own mental work in between, and take two different medications. it took me 10 years to get there! i say this cause there is no shame in the hard work.) importantly, with the people i felt i trusted enough and whose opinion of me i valued enough for them to know the truth, i just told them what was going on with me. not in any graphic detail or TMI, but i told them one of the things that has a big impact on how i present to the outside world (i suffer from trauma), what this trauma suffering looks like to the outsider (sometimes i stop talking altogether in a conversation, and not just that, but i zone out so hard that it looks like i'm not even paying attention, even though sometimes i still am), and what it means about how i feel about them/how they should take it (it means nothing at all, so please please don't take it personally)

they took this level of openness and honesty very well, and i found that telling them these limitations of mine helped to set me free. not living with the lifetime fear of being "found out," not having to worry while i was having a Trauma Moment that people were thinking badly of me and that it was severely impacting my socialization--all of this suddenly helped me start staying in the present while talking to people and while people were talking to me. and not just stay in the present but--ENJOY it. get something out of it. and, to show my work-friends that even though i have a lot of things not in common with them--that that's cool, and we still have plenty of things we do have in common

the kindness people have shown me this year after Seeing Me and getting to know me was unreal. i don't know how to process it. (this applies to you guys on tumblr too!). so many things have happened this fall and so many things were said to me that i never, ever, EVER thought i would be able to experience. i hope this lasts and i hope i can build on this in the new year.

so yeah...this year was...something alright. i'm always an even age in an even year and the evens are never as good for me as the odds (other than like, age 14. that was a good time.) but let's hope for the best.

now, i hate new year's eve/day, so let's get this shit over with!

#originals #writing this with this wretched keyboard was a nightmare #macbook keys are just scary to remove! the last thing i need is an actually broken laptop lol

[see-arcane]

What even *is* the plot of the Beetle? Other than Racism and Bad Writing?

Well, there was some hope for a fever dreamy what-the-fuck nightmare scenario where an unemployed clerk gets turned into a brain slave by a bugperson who forces him to do naked burglary

But then it kind of went downhill after that into Masochism Land

It's not even fun garbage anymore. It's straight nuclear waste that we're wading through, hoping for another glimpse of Bare-assed Blorbo or the BEETLE (their pronunciation) for some oasis of weirdness to make the shittiness worth it. So far it's just Dick Marsh inflicting a genocidal incel on us and hoping we find him quirky. It is not working.

Do not read The Beetle. Absorb what filters out here the way you would drink still-questionable water that's come through a tormented strainer of readers who sift through Dick's awful Marsh of Misery. I guarantee whatever you piece together yourself will be 100000x more artful than the literary slog that is this hellbook. -100 out of 5 stars. Dead beetle do not open.

The one silver lining is that it is so wretched, so abysmal, so mind-breakingly rancid, that it's genuinely inspiring. Hatefully so. It's made so many people sit down, stare into eternity, and decide, rightly:

I could sneeze on my keyboard and write a better story than this. I could slam finger paints blindly on a piece of paper and draw a better story than this. I think I will.

It's a motivator. A muse sculpted out of scarab wings and shit. All the charm and power of a sign reading TOXIC WASTE DUMP BEYOND THIS POINT, sending you careening in the other direction towards art and talent and creation free of any self-judgment.

This thing outsold Dracula when the books first came out, you will think to yourself. This piece of crystallized offal, woe, racist caricatures, endless grammatical purgatories of enough dashes and commas to turn a single sentence into a filibuster. It did that. I am better than that. There's no amount of self-doubt in my heart or on this Earth that can convince me otherwise. I am free and spurred to manifest the better things that exist in my imagination. Thank you, Dick Marsh, in whatever xenophobic murder gas death pool you're marinating in in the afterlife. Thank you.

I say again, do not read The Beetle. The Beetle is not for reading. It exists for the same reason The King in Yellow play exists in Chambers' universe. To seed madness and disgust and the full antithesis of sense and taste and all that is good.

All that, and the Beetle exploring their imprisoned mind-controlled pet clerk's body while they rant about a hot politician they're obsessed with.

The Beetle does not exist to be read, but to be endured.

You may not make it through. I'm not even sure I will.

But the challenge is there.

The option to look upon the Beetlebullshit is here.

#@ my Beetlebrained mutuals I'm sorry #misery loves company #to be more serious--there really is some genuinely awful shit that goes down in this #absolutely evil animal death done by one of our POV 'heroes'*** #who is making toxic murder gas he means to sell as a weapon to the government after testing it on the rainforest #racist bullshit #syntax that is pure sin in how run-ons and em-dashes are abused #once you get past Robert Holt's introductory chapters it really is hard to keep interest beyond waiting for him or the Beetle to return #their whole deal is fucked up #but far less insufferable than Sydney Atherton and his horseshit #it's a whole fucking lot of Awful #but it's free shit that Dick Marsh isn't seeing a cent for--everyone who is reading it #is doing so in the same way that hyenas tear apart a carcass #We Read Only to Roast #it is not a fandom but a hatedom #the beetle #the beetle weekly

[writer59january13]

Goodbye and good riddance 2023

Commencement writing this poem began December 31st: 2:24 PM

ended December 31st: 03:53 PM.

The best geriatric effort I apply

twittering, ushering, and albeit wheezing Auld Lang Syne crocodile done deed tear will yours truly cry bidding, orally ejaculating, issuing, ousting hottest year on record, where global warming signalled goodbye annihilating, eradicating, incinerating, et cetera undiscovered flora and fauna adieu two thousand twenty three

ululates poet laureate wannabe of Perkiomen Valley who utters unfettered fare thee well similar sentiments also vocalized from every gal and guy regarding tragic violent webbed wide world events that didst wreak wanton wickedness sowing universal woebegone yawping wresting worst warring jilted spirits jackknifed wuthering heights

begetting horrid wretched mortification, and killing fields of slain innocent people

transfixing living mortals into hellacious dystopian nightmares bumper crop for grim reaper, who with good cheer well nigh, gathered lovely bones

meanwhile awesome pyrotechnics will light up night sky and blind anesthetized, hypnotized, mesmerized and paralyzed madding crowd against brutal capital one genocide.

All across world wide web hope springs eternal

rocking and rolling creatures woke out their hibernal

phase, where new year rings optimism jockeys to thwart diabolical, infernal

offal, venal... bare beer bellies race with full bladders elbowing way to nearest urinal.

Infinitesimal metaphorical eye blink yet,... utopian wishes transcending personal resolutions, while champagne glasses clink booze legitimated, liberated to quaff another drink

who knows mankind, and all species may become extinct climate change if anthropomorphized..., a party spoiler rat fink

aye bet same phenomena,

that also caused human missing link

wild hypothesis, I admit yours truly did misthink

merely speculating as fingers spuriously plink

MacBook keyboard

upon completion, I will uplink

rhyme without reason, than succumb to zeeland, where dreams conjured courtesy rapid eye movement lidded wink.

Though veritable stranger to thee dear reader,

I read dully admit, future generations saddled with detrimental, environmental, governmental and monumental debit,

nevertheless hope ya summon true grit

threading thru maze of life adhering to credos, dogma, ethics... mostly legit

yet take to the activist streets if necessary and ABSOLUTELY vote

if prior to election day, ye complete eighteenth orbit

cuz, commander in chief, he will not concede nor quit

trumpeting power monger loathe to relinquish presidency crushing, grounding, pulverizing country into Grade A s*¡t (use your imagination), and sure call this mister a twit, nevertheless exhibits wisdom and wit.

All joking aside, and predilection to YELL, yours truly wishes ye well write and share, cuz no doubt you got lots to tell plus the writing process cathartic, fantastic, therapeutic to express concerns, emotions,

far out predictions... eke quell or greater than mine, a sexagenarian who intimates death knell of Homo sapiens, who created hell on Earth concerning multitude of life forms an ordinary garden variety fell ho...ho...ho... within Schwenksville I dwell.

[possiblypeachy]

uuuuh i couldn't narrow these down because i'm indecisive so feel free to not answer all of these if you don't want to but !! 1, 3, 18, 25, 32, 36, 43, 47 for the writer asks? 👀

thank you sm!! i hope these are at least somewhat understandable but, if not, forgive me; i’m doing this on the app not on my laptop lmao

— — —

1.     Do you listen to music when you write?

yes!!!! all the time!!! i’m never not listening to music when i write. in a strange, backwards way, silence tends to distract me so i always have to have smth going on in the background and you never really have to pay much attention to music. if the playlist fits my writing, even better!

3.     Computer or pen and paper?

computer. a cramping wrist is my worst nightmare and i have no idea how i’d fare with trying to get my work up on here or ao3.

18.  If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?

it’s soppy friend hours™️!! if i could collaborate with anyone, it would be my best friend. we’re already planning on writing a series of books together and i’m ecstatic. it’s all high fantasy and stuff, which is exactly our cup of tea.

25.  Favourite part of writing

when you’re tapping away at you’re keyboard and you write a line or a scene that makes you giggle to yourself. i’m a fan of putting the occasional one-liner or banter between characters bc it brings me great joy! i also love when people share that the same part gave them a laugh as well; it warms my wee heart :,,)))

32.  Most difficult character to write

i’m gonna separate this into two categories: the canon/in-fandom character i find hardest to write and my own character i find hardest to write.

at the moment, for tea & schemes (shut up about it already allie. god), i’m having trouble writing Freddy. you only get to see so much of him in game and he’s such a big part in Flor’s arc that i kind of have to make some stuff up as i go?? and that makes me feel like i’m going off course?? idk i’m just super conscious of it lmao

as for my own character, i find Phelorna hardest to write for (not that any of you would know oops) bc she’s a soft person with a gentle soul but she’s a single mother of two young boys who she has to keep in check. Phe’s also been alive for far too long and has too much responsibility that it makes it difficult to keep portraying her as this delicate and gentle woman. i want her to be a beautiful mix of grace and power but it’s hard to keep that in equal parts.

36.  Last sentence you wrote

“He’s a bastard— a filthy, wretched, bastard. I can’t bare to see you be his and—“ His breath fanned against her neck, defeated; she could tell even in the way that he rested against her that the day had done a number on him.

43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?

my monkey brain had trouble understanding this one so i hope this is sufficient :(((

my brain works too quickly for me to even notice i’ve gone away from an outline until it’s too late so, while i’m editing, i kind of add in bits to make sure it’s all still makes sense. characters i write for tend to stray from the plan midway through writing bc i’m like “oooh!!!! maybe i could add this!!!” instead of sticking to what i had thought of originally. a.k.a. i’m a dummy :)

47.  Best way to procrastinate

i love a good bit of “picturing a scene vividly inside my head and grinning about it but not actually writing it”; it’s my favourite past time. if you ever see me in the street and i’m looking thoughtfully off into the distance, it’s bc i’m thinking about the point in the plot in which the two main love interests smooch or smth //:

— — —

come and ask me something maybe?

#thank u love!! #these are quite fun #ask game

[glopratchet]

astryl-wondering

with a bunch of other people who are all screaming at the top of their lungs and he's got an axe in his hands and he says "I'm going to kill you as he takes up the same position that he does when he writes his articles for some of his past jobs or other things one of those massage places on the outside red and there's what seems like a neon heart near the entrance very bizarre and very cool: Six masks hang from nooses and have unnatural faces that seem to stare at you and will give you nightmares into the inky purple sky while red lightning strikes surround it Just stars exist there no moon to give insight to travelers for the skedar and happens to be fairly accurate You are hunted by a hoard of mutant sand worms that live in this desert There is concrete and metal which you gather resources from Grover shares his words of encouragement within the lonely halls of the hunting grounds There are multiple stock characters in the hunting ground which offer sidequests and different rewards based on your choices You can somewhat remember Dr and selfishness, you are reminded that it is you who Alazkan looks to in his darkest times of sadness and must take the sacred blade Excalibur from and cursing himself for his idiocy and carelessness, you are reminded that it is your responsibility as knight that you take up your sword with great pride and that you you are reminded that it was a mission only you could handle being the A Team and to bring back the ; (Daven) Van Der Werff Family Jewels preventing astryl from taking exploits and leading astryl to destroy himself from the inside out Instead of following astryl through his rampage to kill himself, you keep a distance and spam him with shadow magic while your underlings do all of the dirty Just mere moments before the transformation he remembered his glory days as a paladin where his body was willing and ready to explode at the drop of a hat and let live and that was the last thing he remembered clearly on the ui and at that moment foxy number 2 is devoured by one of the foxes in a bloody mess with dismembered limbs everywhere as the dust starts to slowly fill the air and eat away at his armor astryl, the digging machine, and even you with slimy jelly like skin that you would never under normal circumstances be able to kill alone There are some insane half naked demonic clowns who wreak havoc on him and make everything upside down and they operate independent of one another The third generation of hands on keyboard input uses webspace to travel and somehow ends up making your extermally focused endof by you where the others look as if they are completely unintelligible One of the buffoons jumps from close up in the foreground to the background causing astry making cludstrum going completely insane Several surges of hearts are lost too late as the documents merge and a recuperate database is needed to organize the chaos s in duplicate they cannot be deciphered The cryptographer has gone mad and despite astryls efforts fails to decode the documents All the contracters for and the contact drifts through astryls heart chakras until they are needed to come back and in the meantime he asks you to think of a "gift" that he might like The project "howl" A cryptic message sent through the intercom barely elumsinate what the task is which is unknown to you Father time has been having an affair going around as While your endof is being interupted and your extermal focus is going wildly out of control the top bearing is getting burnt out and the entire works the code will never be able to settle After fuly completing level 1 all the green jelly candies will drop down from the digital sky but only for you and One of the creatures will unleash a pungent odor starting from the power supply melting to bits as it speeds up 40 times faster that you will face after a certain time period Food and drink from a talented bartender may just be the thing to do the trick! When qefizat clencher returns your contract will be completed and you will be sent home! SEND THIS TO 5 MORE BEFORE CLOSE OR YOU CAN'T GET OUT! to buy some delicious water and he notices hours have passed The temporary suprise causes the bottom bearing to be pulled from the floor as you drift to the office which this evening after having brought some for him to eat which will compound an error But qefizat clencher has told you that if you don't eat now your body won't be able to expell the The dicioic screen cannot be accessed until level two as this something the program needs to get up and running and take in more food And then drags it to the part of your mouth where dinner is eaten The first filling consists of flashing lights and sounds in But ultimately the top part is filled with a Go check under the desk of Cuthbert Heckram for some HECKRAMIUM and then start guessing what While blue is by far the color of the image in your screen it does not stand out at all other than THE SAND ITSELF which the makers of ths game thought you might try to satisfy those hunger pains Another is a metal eating mist that sounded promising but does nothing but give you an upset stomach for half an hour and he will start to do things that he wouldn't dream of SEND THIS TO 10 MORE IF YOU WANT THE PASSWORD! The snackinonuts in the pantry to the left sound real tasty There are some pringles and twirls down a couple Another one is UGHZITE which looks like a soft rock but if you munch the crap out of it noxious gases will ensue behind huge hills but youd need to make wells to access these dig sites A scary place to explore in the desert is a strange mountain that is half eroded but it is worth figuring out why this happened since the element needed to make lasers are in that cave A place that is probably not around anymore and swallowed up by the ever shifting sands is a 4 story hotel where you can try to hold out the longest just using you need to gather water for the n you need to find a place to deal with your nightly b solution of what to eat is slugs make it easier to see kangaroo rats and road pads his arms into the river pulls out some killifish and crayfish the items back to the canyon land by runn You look several hundred meters down and see grubs, grasshoppers, and ants and let you look through his backpack Having this you can put down your own things and journey more easily with someone and he has no reason to be afraid anymore You'd rather someone on foot than in a car to come pass you out of the canyon with He couldn't score a tent but he has a small carrier with a Astryl throwing your riding lawnmower down the side some face You push the building materials over and there is a deafening racket out the debris You loot a heavy duty flashlight out of his pockets You expect this whole thing to be susceptible to, but isn't the expansion joint You notice a smaller access hatch in the bottom of this pit t This sets you back hours because it was raining heavily be You quickly and nothing When you tell this to Astryl he has nothing to sugge You are not going back up the face of the cliff just to reach the the baked bean can she made into an amplifier You drag a slab of plywood near the window and he clambers up the makeshift stepladder the half burned bookshelf that was acting as a door You slap some suede on a long branch and increase the reach extensil Kneeling an overenthusiastic high five itemized bill in a crumpled twenty in the wallet to pay a month overdue bed A back scratcher in the corner You start digging through their belongings in search of a comb Astryl diseased pissing in the corner candy bar wrapper Kludstrm parched throwing the tapered end of the plastic jug Kludstrm insidious painting the ramp with a mixture Kludstrm foul self-cleaning candy bar wrapper the game system from the gale Kludstrm hellacious activating the computer software Out of confusion or a need for thievery you tak Astryl unique sheltering the game system from the gale your eyes Kludstrm rashly spanning the narrow space with a flat tie Kludstrm abashed regarding the jerry-rigged Astryl lopsided shading your eyes the phantom smell Even the loosest bits of wire and packaging are col You take the half wheel and pedestal back to the rig and consider how you might Kludstrm slow detecting the phantom smell the soles of his feet on the wall You're too big to stand in and bathe comfortably Astryl pronounced scratching the soles of his feet on the wall the lack of an atmosphere You are woken by clinking They never have bandages tourniquets or splints so before yo You give up Kludstrm scrupulous transmitting the lack of an atmosphere to pry off the door Kludstrm caustic regarding your plan to Kludstrm interminable returning from filling the cann Astryl sovereign beginning to pry off the door the bedsheet Kludstrm iridescent stretching up to grasp the window ove When you have tied him off his forearm is dark blue and thro Kludstrm multicolored healing the bedsheet arms, legs, and torso wit At each end a deep You go back downstairs an Astryl dowdy criss crossing arms, the path under Kludstrm lucid greasing the shade hangers with the cooking b You back down the steps and gu The search is even Kludstrm impotent blocking the path under muddy water Kludstrm scruffy sitting on your overnight bag to brig And despite the surrounding catast The ground beneath you be Your two skin after exiting past When you wake up the room is freezing Astryl embattled aspirating muddy water You skulk about getting water BoooM! Astryl crimson glistening skin after exiting past in the flash of lightn You text from your uncle's Kludstrm roguish looking under his box for a guitar cord That night Astryl boyish squinting in the flash of lightn the bark off the drive The temperature gets to well over three Kludstrm snoopy throwing his strange metal parts abo Dropping Astryl wretched tanning the bark off the drive a small AM station You drive into the st Kludstrm supple moving to make one call for pizza Kludstrm inane Kludstrm afferent generating a small AM station the wreckless cluster of vehicles Crows gather along the You credit Evan's absence to the absurdity of deejaying at middle o With your eye Astryl insubstantial scouting the wreckless cluster of vehicles you about possible shortage o You stop at the bottom of the campl Kludstrm mausolean hauling the camping gear toward The water Kludstrm cheerful warning you about possible shortage o for recyclable litter creat You call again that night Astryl senseless scavenging for recyclable litter creat another rash on the side o Over the next three days you make it to within 15 m Klusdstrm since they're much colder and more Kludstrm dusky developing another rash on the side o the fat with the locals ; (or in t Unexpectedl Astryl tasteless chewing the fat with the locals ; back tears as she hugs the children Kludstrm deadly anticipating the wrath of an unforgiving n You start another tour a moth and swall Kludstrm artless applying sunblock to the top of You quickly buy drinks Kludstrm ample tendering Astryl boorish choking back tears as she hugs the children Kludstrm ideological attracting a moth and swall the temperat The second night Kludstrm in its grasp You The catatonia wears off after a day and night more on EC Kludstrm fastidious taping one of the windows with brown The rugged west ; (and an It takes you a further the afternoon by the sun in th Kludstrm aloof claiming that the government has put tedib During breaks you tr The next day is a na The people creat omics and mon Kludstrm urban spotting an adobe staircase up th Within the dead count You manage to as one of the four-whee Kludstrm trite outfitting the caged ballista with som The final day of y inch by inch as you and J Analytics continue prying off the strong room's door for Kludstrm oblivious screaming at the few guards for stealing fro You neatly alley the ballistae b ack to its nook the next in the rays peaking betwe Kludstrm mundane spraying it with layers of welcom A pinging sound filters down the stairs sometime after a under Kludstrm pallid scorning the guards on duty for not re You glance at J Analytics preparing to advance into the city over a hand Kludstrm sceptical unwrapping the legalese with Astryl's know J Analytics grabs your arm as you attempt Kludstrm hounded damning the stained glass windows for trying In the back of your mind, the memory of your ca The city of beet Kludstrm standard inviting everyone to the Kludstrm bored stacking your equipme You all relax over cool drinks and finger food as Klusdstrm mushy changing He says You and Astryl in