#yet another Avengers holiday fuckup

[caffiend-queen]

Do NOT Say 'Always After My Lucky Charms,' Or I Will Stab You

Welcome to another addition to the Holidays in Hel series! Where Loki and Mina attempt to save the Avengers from yet another catastrophic holiday fuckup.

I've been cleaning up and adding bits to my Holidays in Hel series because really, it's my favorite. I hope you enjoy, and thank you as always for reading!

Chapter One: An Unmitigated Disaster Awaits

In which Loki and Mina once again find themselves in the middle of a colossal Avengers holiday fuckup. And who knew the Fey Folk were such assholes?

If there was blame to be assigned for the night that destroyed any charm and mystery left in St. Patrick’s Day, it should really go to The Paddy O’Hoolihan’s, an Irish folk band with a painfully cheesy name. But their music- it was frenzied and delightful, which was why Mina, Wanda, Jane, Pepper, Darcy, and even Natasha were swirling madly in some sort of a jig between each other like a flutter of butterflies, colorful spring dresses flaring out in a pleasing way that exposed a toned thigh or two. They were so fascinating to watch that the rest of the Avengers agreed right then that a Night Out On The Town would be necessary in the hopes of seeing more of this.

“A flutter of butterflies?” Tony blustered. “That can’t be right.”

Loki was seated elegantly on a comfortable chair in the middle of Central Park while most of the other male Avengers were seated in the grass, soaking the seat of their jeans. “A flutter,” he confirmed, watching closely as Mina sent him a saucy little wink. “Known also as a kaleidoscope or a swarm.”

“Swarm isn’t the right word,” mused Steve, still brushing at the green streaks on his pressed chinos. “That sounds like bugs. The girls are definitely butterflies.”

“Butterflies are bugs,” grunted Bucky, eyes closed and soaking in the weak spring sunlight.

“You romantic bastard,” chortled Sam, who was watching Thor capering with the women and getting the dance steps wrong. “I’m gonna go save those ladies from his bigass feet.” 

“That slick son of a bitch,” Tony observed morosely, watching Sam gracefully sweep Pepper under one arm and Natasha with the other.

It was a rare day, a blissful day where nothing was exploding, no one was invading anyone else’s borders, no one was getting kidnapped, and even HYDRA appeared to be taking a long afternoon nap. The Avengers were all lazing in Central Park on an almost unnaturally warm day for March 17th and enjoying a holiday where they were, for once, not urgently needed. Anywhere.

“To St. Patrick’s Day!” toasted Bucky, raising his bottle of Guinness to clink with Steve’s. “So what’s the plan for tonight?”

Tony pulled another bottle from the specialty vibranium cooler that floated next to him, its propulsion jets hissing softly. “Watch the parade from Stark Tower, say a prayer at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and hit The Dead Rabbit Grocery & Grog. The Dropkick Murphy’s are headlining.”

Loki sniffed, still watching keenly as Mina took the hands of an elderly gentleman so wizened and stooped that he could legally be classified as a leprechaun. “My lady and I will be spending the evening safely at the Tower. I do not understand this keen desire for holiday-based mayhem and disaster, but I assure you we shall not participate.”

“Brother!” Thor’s voice was unfortunately right next to Loki’s ear, and God or no, the roar from the oaf seared through his ear canal and scrambled his ganglia. “You must bring the Lady Mina, she will be terribly disappointed! Darcy has been telling her of the majesty of the Celtic celebrations here. She must pay homage to her ancestors.”

Loki frowned. Mina had Irish blood? He would rather crush his own skull with Thor’s hammer than admit that his brother knew something about his Mina that he did not, so he settled for a haughty sniff. “Why must I be the sole sentinel during every holiday on this benighted excuse for a realm to remind you all that it will always, always invariably result in death and destruction? That there will be some unnatural force that will target the Avengers and endanger all those we love? Why must I be the-”

“Hey, did you hear that?” Tony interrupted happily, “Loki looooves Mina!”

And then the tiresome chorus rose from this pack of imbeciles. Loki rolled his eyes, wondering if he sent a hailstorm of toads down upon this crowd if it would immediately be traced back to him. But then his Mina returned and sat down in his lap. Kissing him on the tip of his aquiline nose, she sighed, “And Mina loves Loki, so all of you hush.”

“Darling, are you indeed of Irish descent?”

Mina looked up from the 3D chemical strain she was modeling for one of Jane’s experiments. “Yes, and Scottish. How did this come up?”

Loki sniffed haughtily. “My oaf of a brother attempted to claim that I must indulge you in a night of drunken excess with the rest of the team as some sort of homage to your heritage. Is this night one that must be dedicated to your ancestors? Is it a sacred rite?”

Giving a very unladylike snort, Mina said, “Nothing sacred about gulping down too much green beer and singing Irish folk songs. But…” Loki groaned internally. His sweet girl had a look of longing as she continued. “But it’s always such a fun night! I get to dance and sing, and the saying is that ‘On St. Patrick’s Day, everyone is Irish.’” She smiled up at him sweetly. “Even you, Loki.”

Lip curled, he snarled, “Do not assign me a heritage from this insignificant rock!” Traditionally, this sort of elegant sneer would quail Mina, but this time, she gave him a sneer of her own. 

“Oh, you do not disrespect my people, Loki!” She quailed slightly before seeing his curled lip stretch into a smile. 

“My, my. Look at my fierce little banshee! I would not think of it.” Mina gave him the sort of shameless, hopeful grin that crumbled the God of Lies and Mischief’s will more often than he’d care to admit. 

Sliding her hands over his broad shoulders, admiring the hard muscle beneath, she asked, “Does that mean you might be willing to join the group tonight at the Dead Rabbit?”

His elegant head pulled back from hers, “What a truly bizarre name. Does the proprietor wish to drive people away from his tavern?”

Mina cackled a bit. “We Irish are tough. We like it rough and difficult.” She instantly realized her mistake as Loki’s pupils flared.

“Really…” he purred, his deep tone more like a rumble against her spine. “You like it, ‘rough,’ do you, darling?”

It was a desperate scramble to get away from her God’s ruthless grasp, but Mina found herself pulling on her old plaid kilt and cream Irish fisherman’s sweater after a promise to show Loki later the bit of “rough” that a good girl from the Emerald Isle could handle. “My lovely Mina,” he approved, stepping behind her in the dressing room mirror to straighten his cuffs. She’d just pulled on some warm black tights and her knee-high riding boots. “You have a very delectable ‘upper-crust schoolgirl’ sort of look here. I find myself quite interested in knowing what good Irish schoolgirls wear under their kilts.”

“Well, I imagine a big, strong man like you can find out for yourself,” Mina answered primly, then leaped over the bench with a yelp when Loki made a sudden move at her. Chuckling, he straightened his tie and strolled sedately after her.

It was, of course, vile. Loki sighed in a long-suffering way as he surveyed the crowded bar, one hand securely on Mina’s back. “The sun barely set and here are your countrymen, already intoxicated,” he said, leaning in close so she could hear him over the drunken chorus of “Whiskey You’re the Devil.”

“Oh, look!” Mina shouted back, “There they are! In the Snug.”

“I beg your pardon?” Loki raised a brow.

“The Snug,” Mina was the one carving a path through the partygoers, heading for their friends. “There’s one in every proper Irish bar.  It’s the room right off of the bar where the ladies used to go to have a pint or a sherry and not have to worry about being considered loose. Now the bars just rent them out as a VIP space.”

In his usual fashion, Tony had not only bought out the Snug, which had an excellent view of the rest of the pub, but he also had the management re-create the magnificent, shining walnut bar that ran nearly the length of the main room into a private version for the Avengers. When they drew closer, they found Thor in a handstand with one end of a tube in his mouth and the other in a cask of aged whiskey. 

Sam, Clint, Darcy, and the usually shy Bucky were circling the spectacle, shouting “Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!” Thor finished the cask and flipped upright with a flourish, raising his huge arms and roaring in triumph.

“What are you wearing?” Loki frowned, all the men were sporting hideous green plaid patterned neckties, and the more drunken amongst them - namely Clint and Tony - had little green bowler hats perched atop their messy hair.

“It was Tony’s idea, where’s your tie?” asked Bruce, who looked distinctly put out that he’d been forced to wear this itchy novelty neckwear while Loki looked as smooth and perfectly put together as always in an onyx Tom Ford suit.

Loki sniffed, “Ideally, at the bottom of the Hudson River.”

Tony stumbled up behind Loki and Mina, sunglasses askew as he looped an arm around each of them. “Your brother knows how to party, Severus Snape! Let’s tap another cask for you!”

“It is a crime to treat a good whiskey so,” admonished Loki, “and Thor must consume twenty or so of those casks for him to find something even approaching intoxication.” Nonetheless, he found himself relaxing and even amused as his Mina dragged Natasha up on to the bar for a round of Irish Ceili dancing, the Russian gracefully moving along as if she’d performed Irish jigs all her life.

“Man, is there anything Natasha can’t do perfectly?” groused Darcy, watching the footwork until it made her dizzy.

Bucky put his arm around her. “She can’t make that cute little noise you make when I…” She dissolved into a round of giggles and Loki rolled his eyes, looking around the pub. There was a thicket of drunk college students, singing along off-key with the Dropkick Murphys, who’d moved on to “Rose Tattoo.” The main bar was claimed by the regulars, who held court and toasted something new at least every sixty seconds, based on the cheers and clinking of glasses. Small islands of tourists floated through the crowd, gripping a beer mug in one hand and a souvenir Dead Rabbit t-shirt in the other. Irish flags were draped in every corner and the light glowed off the massive selection of alcohol behind the bar, bathing everything in a pleasingly golden glow. And… Loki raised one elegant brow. There was a small group of… small people?

“Little people,” Steve said, leaning in. “The correct phrase is little people.”

“Descendants of a visit long past from a group of lustful and irresponsible Nidavellir,” mused Loki, “the dwarves always eager to spread their seed.”

Steve looked alarmed, “I don’t think you want to be floating that theory, Loki. Especially not here, and not tonight.”

Before the God of Mischief could further discuss Nidavellir sex tourism, he heard a loud “Hellooo, Monty!” from his sweet girl, still tip-tapping away atop the bar.

One of the men broke away from the group and waved eagerly. “Éire go Brách, Mina!” 

Leaping rather gracefully from the bar, she took his small hand, greeting him warmly. “Éire go Brách, Monty! I’m so glad you came.”

The gentlemen had a face like a withered crabapple, all wrinkles and slightly sunken, but when he glanced at Loki, there was a spark of… something in his eye. One trickster always knew another, and he recognized the elderly gentleman she’d favored with a dance that afternoon at the park. “Well, when you promised me another dance, my dear, how could I not?” Monty turned to Loki and bent his head in a courtly gesture, “If your date for the evening has no objection, of course.”

Oddly, Loki did have an objection. The gleam in the small man’s eye was growing brighter, and his own emerald ones narrowed. “And what brings you to New York, Monty? Your accent has all the slurs and ellipses of a Dubliner, born and bred.”

Mina’s new friend threw back his head and laughed grandly, “Ach, you’ve caught me. I am, indeed. But I find that here in America, the Irish celebrate this day with greater enthusiasm.”

Just then the Dropkick Murphys launched into “The Boys are Back” and Mina squealed. “Monty! This is my song, let’s go!” And with a final smirk at Loki, her diminutive beau allowed her to pull him into the crowd. 

He stared after them disapprovingly. The Dead Rabbit was even louder - if possible - than it had been when they arrived and the discordant screech of electric guitar and the accompaniment of the Uilleann pipes rose over the crowd.

The boys are back

The boys are back

The boys are back

And they're looking for trouble

Standing on the highway, ???

I'm missing my home, and it's killing me

Down the ramp past the jail, I'm feeling alright

Bought roses for my ladies from a corner delight

It's time to get ready for that song and dance

Let's go my friends, it's time to take a chance

We're back in town, we're gonna get it done

We got nowhere to hide, we got nowhere to run

It's been a long time coming,

It's been a long time coming,

The boys are back

The boys are back

The boys are back

And they're looking for trouble

And in the blink of an eye, Mina and her questionable dance partner were swallowed up into the crowd. “Did he not seem unnatural to you?” Loki asked Tony, who was leaning heavily on his shoulder and wrinkling the perfect cut of his jacket.

Tony stumbled back, “Woah, Lokes, prejudiced much? What’s next, snide comments about the little people always being after your Lucky Charms?” He said the last in a deplorably bad Irish accent, and Loki’s brow furrowed. Tony (partially sober) was just barely endurable. Completely intoxicated Tony was a punishment that could make the strongest Asgardian choose Odin’s dungeons over Stark Tower.

Bucky gently elbowed Tony into a seat, where his head tipped back and a gentle snore rose from his slack mouth. “Ignore him, Loki. What’s the problem?”

“Most pressing,” he said, “is that my dear Mina seems to have disappeared into this drunken throng with a most untrustworthy creature.”

“Takes one to know one,” Bucky agreed, but he refused to take offense, still searching the crowd. Looking around, he frowned. “And where’s Darcy and Jane? And Pepper? And Natasha?” By now the others were closing in. Thor shouldered his way into the knot of drunken, flailing New Yorkers and Clint hopped up on the table.

Pale hands shooting out, Loki sent a silver stream of energy that coiled and ripped around the pub, curling and snaking along, but there was no sign of the women. “By the NORNIR!” he shouted. “Why? Why must it always be the holidays? You Avengers are a curse, I swear it!”

“Huh?” Tony woke up, standing and rubbing his face. “What?”

Loki turned on him. “You will never heed my warning, will you? All our women- they are gone. Gone!”

“Aw, damn,” sighed Steve, "AGAIN?"

Chapter Two is up tomorrow. You know, the one with all the smut.

I'm starting over with a vague memory of who might like my Loki and Avengers tales. If you would like on or off this list, please let me know! Thank you. Mwah!

@what-is-your-plan-today

@sweater-daddiesdumbdork

@the-soulofdevil

@americasass81

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#tumblr besties and beloveds #loki fandom #tom hiddleston #loki smut #Avengers Holidays in Hel #yet another Avengers holiday fuckup #St. Patrick's Day with Loki

[caffiend-queen]

I'll Break Your Heart Before You Break Mine...

An Avengers - Loki Holidays In Hel story

I've been cleaning up and adding bits to my Holidays in Hel series because really, it's my favorite. I hope you enjoy, and thank you as always for reading!

In which Loki's courtship of Mina (refer to "The Christmas Party") hits a snag when his timid little darling suddenly decides to dump him on Valentine's Day.

I wrote this listening to the beautiful "Takeaway" from The Chainsmokers and Illenium. Have a listen here: https://youtu.be/lzkKzZmRZk8

The first time Loki had seen a Valentine, he approached it with the same look of disgust one would give a used litter box.

“What is this cloying monstrosity?” he queried, holding the little card up by his thumb and forefinger.

“Well…” Mina’s brow furrowed. “Oh, of course. This is your first Valentine’s Day on Ear- Midgard, isn’t it?” Her boyfriend (?) beau (?) Supreme Overlord of Sex (!) was by now lounging elegantly on his suede couch, arms stretched along the top of it and legs sprawled obscenely. As usual. "This is a Valentine, it's from my niece in Wisconsin."

One dark brow arched. "Explain?"

"Well, you create little cards and give them to people you care about, family, friends..." she coughed a little and added quickly, "boyfriends. They're usually heart-shaped, pink or red, and-"

"The human heart is not shaped like that," Loki interrupted, "I've torn them still beating from the chests of my enemies and they more resemble-"

"No trips down memory lane, brother!" Thor interrupted with perfect timing, which was extremely unusual. "We must make ready. There is a new mission.” He'd slammed open the door to Loki's suite, knowing it infuriated his brother every time.

With a sigh, Loki stood, waving one pale hand and was instantly clad in his dark green armor. "And who might we be engaging? More angry Dark Elves? The crossbred Jotunn ice bear? A blood witch from the Grievous Clan?" 

“No, Professor Snape, they’re … what did you call them, Thor?” Tony Stark rambled into the apartment, standing over Loki, who had reseated himself with an uncomfortable Mina on his lap. She’d tried to pop up when Thor casually broke in, but Loki’s arm came down like an iron bar to keep her in place.

Thor was nosing around the fresh-baked muffins on the counter. “They are Plesticites, do you remember battling them on the Wandering Moons of Alfheim, brother?”

Loki groaned audibly. The aforementioned creatures were multi-limbed monstrosities that spat secretions as thick as tar and vile as vomit. “And why are they here on Midgard?” he snarled, “Why did Heimdall not raise the alarm before these sacs of pus found a wormhole?”

Mouth full of muffin, his brother shrugged one giant shoulder. Stark, with that infuriating cheer he had only when interrupting someone else’s love life, clapped his hands together. “Chop chop, Asgardian supermodels, we’re off to kill the things that look like Donald Trump’s ass.”

“Darling,” Loki gently set her down on a cushion and rose, leaning over to capture a kiss. “I shall see you anon.”

It was a spectacular kiss, so it took Mina a moment to realize a case holding six of Loki’s best daggers was on the counter next to the muffins. Knowing he never went into battle without them, she tucked them under her arm and hoofed it for the roof, trying to catch him before the helicarrier took off. 

The team was still on the landing pad, and the wind carried their conversation back to her as she exited the elevator.

“- to celebrate the day with Lady Mina?” She knew Thor had Big Plans for Jane, especially after Darcy handed him a step-by-step list for what was required of a romantic boyfriend. Mina lingered for a moment around the corner, a little excited. Plans? Loki had plans for Valentine’s Day?

“You must be joking,” he sneered, “you believe I would stoop to celebrating a pathetic testament to retail excess? Debasing myself with the purchase of stuffed animals and mediocre flowers?”

Mina sighed and leaned against the elevator door. So, no Valentine’s Day, then.

“But your lady, she will expect it,” Thor said earnestly. “It is considered most important.”

“He’s right, you don’t want to screw this up.” Mina cocked her head. Was that Bucky?  “This stuff is important to women.” Loki didn’t cut the soldier off, as he’d done with his brother. She always found Loki’s - if not friendship, a comfortableness, an accord - with James Barnes intriguing. Mina had asked him about it one day, and he’d pinned her with that bleak, blue-gray gaze of his. “Loki knows what it’s like to be tortured. For decades.” She'd felt her heart splinter in that moment. For both of them.

“It is of no consequence,” Loki said dismissively, “by then, Mina and I will no longer be-” the roar of the helicarrier’s engines began and the rest of his statement was lost. Numbly taking the case of daggers back down to Loki’s apartment, Mina hesitated at the door. Would he have already revoked her access to his place?

But the door opened and she stepped in. It still smelled like Loki- sharp and clear, like pine and snow. She marched through his suite of rooms, picking up the few items she’d left there- a silk slip, her spare toothbrush, two books she’d loved and recommended to him. That was it. There were no photos of the two of them together, no tenderly written notes. It was so familiar, Mina thought bitterly, just like the last three times. 

What was it with her and Valentine’s Day? Who the fuck gets dumped three times on the most “romantic” day of the year? Stuffing everything in her bag, she could remember Kevin’s stupid face, "It's not me, babe. It's you." February 14th, 2017.

Milo, "I just feel that Valentine's Day is an excuse for women to siphon up free gifts, and I refuse to be manipulated by female greed." Pause. "Before I leave, did you get me anything?" February 14th, 2014.

And then there was Brian. "Yeah, I don't see a future with us, Mina. You're always busy at school and I need a woman who can commit." That turned out to be her best friend Marcia. Who was already married. February 14, 2019.

“And it’s happening again?” she gave a short, humorless chuckle, “At least this time, Loki’s not really my boyfriend. I’m not sure the word boyfriend could apply to a seven-foot-tall alien who looks like a supermodel and hands out orgasms like they’re penny candy. Fuck this.” 

Stomping into Jane’s lab on the 47th floor, Mina forced herself to smile. This was a new job and she couldn’t afford to break down. Of course, she had this new job because the thermodynamics lab fired her after the paparazzi storm from her night as Loki’s date at Stark’s disastrous Christmas Party. They wouldn’t leave her alone and one even burst into the ladies’ room as she was hitching her undies back up. And, her boss was just walking out of her stall as well. Fortunately, Jane immediately made the case to Tony that Mina would be very helpful in her research.

Unfortunately, Darcy was never shy about prying into everyone else’s personal lives. “Hey, Mina Mina Bo-bina, what does your sex god Asgardian have planned for Valentine’s Day?”

Jane didn’t look up from her microscope. “Thor is the God of Sex, actually.”

Without thinking, Mina shook her head. “No, Thor is the God of Fertility. Loki is the God of Lust.” They'd both been studying a book - The Royals Guide to Asgard together. Tossing her bag on her desk, she added under her breath, “Not that it matters.”

Darcy, who could under most circumstances be the poster child for Adderall, was remarkably single-minded when it came to heartbreak. Eyes narrowed behind her glasses, she pushed her face close to Mina’s. “You’ve been crying. Did Mr. Hot and Psycho do something?”

“Nope, that’s the point,” she said, “we’re doing nothing for Valentine’s Day because he’s dumping me.” 

“No!” Jane was shocked, “Thor says Loki is crazy about you!”

“I overheard him talking to Thor and Bucky when I went up to bring him his daggers for the mission,” Mina said bitterly. “He said that he and I would no longer be together.” Her shoulders slumped. “But I don’t think we ever were.”

It was not ten minutes later when Darcy had mercilessly bullied her into joining “Girl’s Night,” refusing to tell her where the herd of single women were migrating to. 

Three days later and no word from Loki, it settled into her with a despondent certainty that he would not be “courting her” (as he’d put it) anymore. She didn’t ask Jane if she’d heard from Thor, because the look of discomfort, then pity was more than she could bear. So Mina kept a cheerful smile and pretended everything was fine as bouquets started popping up on desktops, boxes of chocolate and heart-shaped cookies circulated and whispered conversations filled with giggles were all around her.

Screw Valentine’s Day. It sucked.

Nonetheless, she defiantly dressed for the girl’s “Cupid is Stupid” outing with Darcy in a short, saucy little emerald-colored dress she’d picked up on sale. She had been saving it to wear on a special occasion with Loki, but…. Angrily dashing away a tear before it ruined her cat’s-eye eyeliner, Mina straightened her shoulders. She would go have fun with Darcy and the girls. Then this day would be over, and-

The reality that she would eventually be seeing Loki in the halls, perhaps in the lab every now and then made her sink onto her couch. Would he be bringing new women to social events? Mina’s lips thinned and she stood up, seizing her bag and storming out the door. “It’s going to be a bit more difficult finding a date that doesn’t mind you kidnapping her off the street!” she hissed, halting at the appalled stare of nice Mrs. Wyscowski who lived next door in E16 as she got off the elevator. The woman was carrying a bouquet of roses. ‘Of course,’ Mina thought, ‘even my 73-year-old neighbor gets flowers.’ Instantly feeling guilty, she held the door for her. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mrs. W. The roses are so pretty!”

“Thank you, dear. And what are you and Mr. Odinson doing this evening?” Mrs. Wyscowski loved Loki, of course. The charming bastard insisted on kissing her wrinkled hand every time he spotted her.

Mina’s smile faltered, but she stepped into the elevator. “Have a good night, Mrs. W.”

When her Uber pulled up to the address Darcy gave her, she audibly groaned. Seriously?

The driver laughed, looking in his rearview mirror. “Not what you were planning on?”

“Knowing my friend, I should have,” Mina sighed. Cherry’s Sexual Harassment Pub was bustling with giggling women lined up at the bar and guarding table space for their friends close to the stage. Passing by gigantic posters of bare-assed men with names like “Blaze,” and “Nitro,” she rolled her eyes. 

“Bitch!” Darcy shouted at the top of her considerable lungs, standing on her chair and waving at her like she was a one-winged sparrow, trying to take flight. But when one of the buff, shirtless waiters brought over a tray of Sex on the Beach shooters, Mina took two.

Just as Mina was throwing back her first shot, a bloody and exhausted crew was exiting the helicarrier, eager to shower off the genuinely disgusting mission and focus on something new: sex, booze, and for a few, even romance. Thor nudged his brother with one giant arm. “Have you reconsidered what to do for the Lady Mina? The night is young.” 

“I have told you, Thor,” Loki snarled, “I do not indulge in such plebian excess.”

Undeterred, his brother said, “Jane has mentioned that she has seemed quite despondent these last few days. Have she seemed so when she speaks with you?”

Loki shrugged. “I do not speak with Mina whilst on missions away. I’m sure she is fine. And most likely,” he said, his pace increasing as they exited onto their floor, “waiting for me in my chambers. So if you’ll excuse me…”

But Mina wasn’t. She’d been very good about showing up when he returned from missions, working here in the Tower in Jane’s lab gave her proximity and advance warning. In fact … as Loki strolled to the bedroom he noticed her absence, along with the few little things she’d left in his suite - including A Brief History of Time, a book he'd been rather enjoying. Where was the little minx? Sweeping a hand down his body to restore himself to spotlessness and into a fresh black suit, he set off for the labs, Mina was no doubt working late. 

Mina was laughing uncontrollably as Darcy had her legs looped around the back of a stripper who had his head buried in her considerable cleavage. He was still managing to swirl those agile hips to the beat of “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crew even as he was making motorboat noises. A sudden vision of Loki teaching her how to dance the tango on his terrace rose in her mind and she angrily shook her head. She was not going to be one of those single people on Valentine’s Day who got all drunk and weepy! Well … reaching for the champagne in the middle of the table, she drank right from the bottle. Not one of those single people who cry, anyway. Screw Loki. Screw Loki and his beautiful agile hips and those fingers and how he’d purr all those filthy things in her ear when she was coming. 

Ugh.

“Break his heart before he breaks mine,” she mumbled, nearly inaudible under the screaming of the other women. But someone was listening.

In fact, the Stark group had enjoyed VIP treatment all night - graciously escorted to the best table on the floor and several bottles of complimentary champagne delivered with "Compliments of the house, beautiful ladies." The shirtless blonde waiter - who was hilariously named "Thor," according to his nametag - wore impeccable white cuffs and collar and was most attentive, chuckling indulgently as his perfect, firm ass was groped more than once. "Thor" even leaned over invitingly by Mira as he'd brought more drinks, but she smiled nervously and scooted her chair over a bit.

“Hey, pretty lady,” he oozed, “is there something … special I can get you?” 

“Hell, yeah!” shouted Darcy, “Our girl just broke up with her boyfriend! Right before Valentine’s Day, can you believe it?” Mina cringed so hard she could feel her spine compress.

"Thor" took her hand, eyes wide in his most sincere sympathy. “He’s a fool to let you get away, baby. You need a man who knows how to appreciate a queen like you.”

‘Oh, gawd …’ she thought. “Oh, I broke up with him,” she nodded firmly, “so yeah, it’s all good. It’s fine. Really,” she emphasized, trying to yank her hand away from his. Her palm was tingling like crazy and she wiped it on her skirt several times, frowning at the odd burn.

But then the lights came up and the smarmy DJ’s voice bellowed out, “Heeeey, Ladies! Welcome to the Cupid is Stupid spectacular! We’re gonna give you pretty little things all the affection you deserve tonight! Up first, give a waaaaarm, wet welcome to Valentino!”

She was laughing, Mina just couldn’t help it. This was so fucking cheesy. What was she doing here?

What was she doing here? Looking around the room, she could tell she was the only one not totally invested in the web the strippers were weaving. Her forehead creased. That was a weird image. But all the girls were screaming, waving tens and twenties, glassy-eyed and utterly focused on the man on stage, currently undulating in a g-string. The waiters were circulating, putting down more drinks, running fingertips along a cheek, along a shoulder or down the neck and dipping into cleavage. And the girls all seemed to love it. Wiping her sweaty forehead, Mina blinked, looking at her phone. Just to check the time, that’s all.

Nothing from Loki. Of course.

Rising abruptly from her seat, she made her way through the crowd of rapturous women. Once in the bathroom, she splashed her face with cold water, forgetting about her careful makeup. Why was she so sweaty? Looking in the mirror and wiping away her streaked mascara, Mina sighed. This was worse than being at home watching While You Were Sleeping and weeping uncontrollably. “I’ll walk home,” she said to the grimy mirror. “Get some exercise. Yeah. You know, endorphins.”

Walking back to the table to grab her purse and bid Darcy goodnight, she stumbled to a stop.

Loki was dancing. More specifically, her ex-boyfriend (well, the gorgeous god she’d been dating) was stripping. And the screams rose at a pitch that could shatter crystal. His vivid jade eyes were fixed on her, a filthy, knowing smirk on his face. His body was art. All marble-sheened skin with flexing, lean muscle beneath. She’d always been amused when people assumed Loki wasn’t physically powerful, like his bulky brother. Oh, no… those perfectly tailored suits of his hid a body of exquisite grace, broad shoulders and a chest and arms banded thickly with muscle. His long, long legs were sculpted, and when he lifted her to straddle his thigh and rubbed her against the taut strands there … oh, god. What was he doing here! This couldn’t- 

“Loki?” she shouted, incredulous and trying to get closer to the stage. 

“Hello, love.” She could see Loki’s lips moving, but even over the howl of the music and shrieks from the women, it still sounded like he was talking right into her ear. “I thought I would give you a bit of a surprise. Then, I intend to take you backstage, hoist you upon the nearest level surface and fuck you until you beg for mercy. Which of course, I shall not give you.” There was never a time Mina was more aware that he was a god. So beautiful, even under those tawdry pink lights, his hips moving in erotic figure eights and dancing just for her. So intent on reaching him, Mina never noticed another of the waiters come up from behind her, slipping an arm around her waist.

Thor was just helping Jane on with her coat as Loki strode into the lab. “Where is Mina?” He knew his tone was sharp, but he was suddenly filled with a sense of urgency, a necessity to reach her- to find his girl before-

“She’s out with Darcy and the girls.” Jane’s tone was not friendly. “You know, since you dumped her, it’s really not any of your business.”

“I beg your pardon?” 

It was clear Loki was shocked, which was shocking in of itself since the god prided himself on no expression other than urbane amusement or profound boredom. “She went out with the girls?” Jane said less aggressively. 

“Where?” His tone was sharp, but the couple didn’t take offense. They could feel it too, that something was wrong here. Loki was never agitated like this, not even in the middle of battle.

“Um…” Jane consulted her phone. “It’s a strip club,” she looked at him apologetically, “called, ugh, now I know Darcy picked it! It’s called Cherry’s Sexual Harassment Pub.” Thor choked down a laugh as his brother and Jane glared at him.

“This…” Loki hesitated, another shocking departure for him. “There is something wrong. I cannot say, but I feel it.”

To his credit, Thor immediately stepped up. “I shall come with you brother. My dearest, would you mind putting off our evening for a few hours more?”

She nodded, “Of course. Should I come with you? You know, to wrangle Darcy?”

“We must go, please, stay here.” It was the 'please' that stopped her from protesting as Loki dragged off her boyfriend. Loki never said please.

Darcy was screaming herself hoarse. She didn’t know how this could have possibly happened, but this was the best fucking night of her life! How the fuck could Bucky have overcome his shyness to be stripping for all these women? The Winter Soldier stared at her, licking his full lips as his crotch jutted at her obscenely, thick thighs bending to lure her closer to the stage. His long hair fell into his eyes, glowing with need for her. Her hand reached out. There was just one more layer to peel off, just the tiniest scrap of spandex between her and what she was certain was the biggest cock in North America. Just one little yank on that strap and... She was still trying to surge forward when the arms came around her from behind, gripping her tightly and making her ribs compress against her lungs. It felt like the most brutal kind of suction, feeling like the blood was being pulled out of the pores in her skin, but all she could think of was to get to Bucky- that beautiful bastard, she knew he always wanted her he did and then she was coming legs twitching and rubbing together hands still reaching out touch him.

MaryBeth from Offshore Accounts was dreamily watching Steve Rogers bare all that perfect, golden skin and rippling muscle. He was clean-shaven, not that scruffy beard he’d been wearing and those patriotic blue eyes were lasered in on her, he was going to tear her clothes off and fuck her right on the table, she could hear him! So MaryBeth swept out an arm, knocking everything off the surface and climbing on, hauling her skirt up. “Right here, Steve honey! I AM SO READY!” Darleen McMasters from the table next to theirs was from Queens, married 22 years and just here to keep her best friend and current divorcee Carla company, sat up abruptly. “FRANK?” she shouted, jaw dropped, “What on EARTH are you doing!” Her husband looked down, giving her a rakish wink and an extra little thrust of his hips.

Interestingly, Carla was also watching Frank get naked on stage, unbuttoning her blouse and hoping he’d FINALLY notice how much nicer her breasts looked than Darlene's.

Theresa from Digital Media was dreamily enjoying the sight of Carol Danvers peeling off that gorgeous fucking bodysuit, to show even more gorgeous fucking curves, her blonde hair shining like a beacon and Theresa was ready to run her hands through it-

By the time Loki had apparated himself and Thor into the middle of the club, it was silent, the raucous music gone and only the bestial grunts and slavering of the things currently feeding on the women. 

“By the Nine…” gasped Thor, instantly calling Mjölnir to him as he went back to back with Loki, who’d been searching for Mina. He found her writhing furiously against the incubus grappling her from behind. The truly amusing miscalculation of Midgard mythology - he thought while sending twelve daggers sailing through the air at the demon - was believing that the Incubi were attractive and seductive. They were repellant, horrifying, a grisly amalgamation of sinew, rot and slimy, mottled skin. They actually made the Plesticites the Avengers slaughtered that day look appealing. This one’s maw opened, showing jagged, rotting fangs as it screamed in rage and agony, punctured by the dozen blades in a tidy, cross-shaped pattern and falling off Mina’s back like a sack of meat. 

Thor’s hammer tore through another of the creatures, making the woman holding it scream “Leonardo! Don’t leave me! I believe in your Nature Alliance!” before she collapsed. And then the battle was on. Over twenty of the Incubi, mouths dripping black blood that sizzled like acid on the floor stalked toward them. They were so. Fucking. Hungry. They had planned this Valentine’s Day massacre for a couple of decades and no upstart Asgardian royalty was going to take their feast from them. Complicating matters was that most of the demons were able to hold onto the image of whatever their victim was imagining, and for many of the girls - particularly MaryBeth from Offshore Accounts who had dreamed of getting into Captain America’s red, white and blue suit for years now - were unwilling to let go of the Incubi draining them to death.

Black blood and gnarled, twisted limbs torn from desiccated flesh flew through the smoky air as the princes of Asgard ripped their way through the thicket of demonic visitors, as he leaned back gracefully to avoid a spray of ichor, Loki watched Mina leap on to the back of the incubus currently finishing off an unconscious Darcy.  The foolish creature still wore a dreamy smile on her red-lipsticked mouth, and she slid gracelessly to the floor as her rescuer stabbed the creature in the back of the neck, shoving hard to get the razor-sharp blade through its hide. He spun in one more circle to finish off the fiend sneaking up on Thor before turning back to seize Mina. 

“You had to burst in here. Creating such a fuss.” The voice was beautiful, well-bred and slightly amused. The creature it belonged to was perfection, everything a man should be - blond, very tall with a tight, perfect ass and red, full lips. And in one long-fingered hand, it was gripping the throat of his Mina, easily holding her off the ground as she kicked and thrashed, clawing at his muscled forearm. “There are so very many pretty, lonely girls in this city, on this night of all nights. And yet, you insisted on bothering ussss.” The man hissed the last word and displayed a mouth full of alarmingly sharp, needle-like teeth. “Now, I shall consume this meaningless human in front of you. Its mouth opened horribly wide, like a snake’s dislodging its jaw and Loki’s hand came up again, inhumanly, impossibly fast and threw his last dagger, a gleaming silver blur that nicked Mina’s throat, sending a spray of blood into the open mouth of the demon behind her.

It let out a scream of agony, smoke pouring from its throat and slamming on to the filthy floor, writing and howling before abruptly disappearing in a puff of sulfurous smoke, along with the remains of the other incubi. 

From there, it was really just a matter of cleaning up and damage control. The little club was suddenly packed with SHIELD agents and, Loki noted sourly, Doctor Strange, who was attending to the women, briskly erasing their memories of the night and putting in a suggestion of a gas leak.

“How original,” Loki sneered.

Bucky walked up behind him. “And here I thought my night was the worst Valentine’s Day choice ever.” He patted him lightly on his expensively suited shoulder. “You okay? Mina, too?”

“Indeed,” Loki said approvingly, “she slew one of the creatures herself.” He looked at the soldier again and decided to do something he traditionally considered loathsome. A bit of matchmaking. “However, your help is needed immediately for Miss Lewis.” 

Bucky frowned, looking over at a pale Darcy, two paramedics still trying to bring her around. “What can I do?”

Thor was close enough to be eavesdropping shamelessly, and he leaned in. “An incubus bite can only be reversed in one way, my friend.”

Picking up the thread, Loki walked Bucky closer. “The incubus presents the vision of the person the victim desires most. It is why they are irresistible. As it happens, Miss Lewis believed she was watching you perform for her.”

“What?” Bucky choked, going a little pale himself.

“You must … attend to her in order to heal her, I am certain you know what we are saying,” Loki finished smoothly. When his friend leaned down to cautiously pick the girl up, he made a negligent gesture with one pale hand and send the two of them back to Barnes’ quarters in the Tower.

“Brother,” Thor boomed, “did I just see…? Was that a … good deed?”

In a flash, another of his brother’s daggers was at his throat. “Never say such a repugnant thing to me again!” Loki snarled, eyes narrowed as Thor backed away, chuckling. 

“I must return to Jane,” he said, picking up Mjölnir and turning to the door. “And I believe you have a beautiful woman of your own to attend to.”

Placing his hands in the pockets of his beautiful suit, Loki strolled to Mina, who was attempting to wipe some of the gore off her skin. “Oh, my god,” she gagged a little, “I smell like something that washed up on the beach. How is it that you look perfectly put together?”

A corner of his mouth turned up, just slightly. “I am a god.” Her pretty face fell and she went back to scrubbing futilely at her dress. “That was a rather fetching gown,” he offered.

“Was is the operative word here,” she sighed, giving up. “You’re bad luck for expensive dresses.”

“Perhaps if you’d been waiting in my rooms at the Tower like a good girl,” he said haughtily, “your dress would be intact.”

“What?” His usually sweet-natured, mild girl threw the filthy bar towel at him. “Seriously? So you could dump me in person? How nice of you! That’s just never going to-” With a sigh, Loki seized her around the waist and they were gone. 

“Geddoff me!” Mina was wiggling, trying to get loose from Loki’s steel grip.

“Such a bad girl,” he said disapprovingly, “I must seek you out in a club catering to male nudity, save you from the Incubi and this is your gratitude?”

“Gratitude! Gratitude?” Her eyes were furious slits and she was snarling like a feral cat. “You DUMPED me! You have no right to-” Releasing her abruptly, he smiled a bit to hear her startled scream and then the huge splash. Hitching his trousers, Loki seated himself on a rock outcropping, waiting for her to surface. Mina did, paddling and splashing furiously in a rather adorable fashion until she was calmer. Wiping the water out of her eyes, she glared up at him. “Where are we?”

“This is Valeria,” he said, settling more comfortably. “It is an undeveloped planet that Asgard holds in guardianship. It is one of the last pure places in the universe.” As she swam closer, his clothes disappeared and he joined her in the water.

Mina gritted back a simper as she watched him rise from the crystal water, the waves sluicing off his hard body as he smoothed his wet hair off his face. “If it’s undeveloped, why are we here?” A wicked little smile graced his lips and she groaned audibly.

“I keep a vacation cottage here,” he said, swimming around her in circles. “Just a humble abode when I require peace and quiet.”

“Then, why am I here?” she pursued.

“Because you long to travel and take a safari in a far-flung country, Africa, perhaps. You wish to see wild animals and places undefiled by man.”

Mina flushed. “You’ve been looking at my Pinterest account again!”

“Darling…” Loki drew her onto his lap in the water. “Valeria has over 1,930,000 species of animals that have never been seen anywhere but here. I shall take you all over this world tomorrow and show you creatures you never imagined. Animals no other human eye will ever see.”

Looping her arms around his smooth shoulders, Mina gave him a weak smile. “Was that what you meant when you told Thor that we would no longer be … something by Valentine’s Day?”

“Of course, foolish girl. I’d planned this off-world safari for you for some time-” Loki’s answer was cut off when she pressed her mouth to his.

“So you weren’t breaking up with me,” she mumbled, not meeting his gaze.

Loki pursed his mouth. “Will there ever be a time you do not doubt me, my Mina? Where you will not compare me to the utterly pedestrian fools you have been with before me?”

She did feel terrible. But warm and kind of glowing inside at the same time. So when her god leaned back against the warm rocks and spread his long legs with an utterly filthy leer, she slipped deeper into the heavenly water, swimming between his knees. “Allow me to make it up to you, my King,” Mina said in the sweetest of tones. Loki was fighting a smile, she could tell, but he nodded regally. Putting his perfect, thick cock into her mouth was never a hardship, she thought, sucking carefully on the tip and fluttering her tongue on the sensitive underside. Lunging to bring the length of him down her throat, she enjoyed the low growl that rattled through his chest. Carefully cupping his scrotum with one hand, she slid her finger along the sensitive flesh behind his sac. One hand came up to pet her wet hair as his hips thrust up before he pulled them back.

“Such a good girl,” he praised her, chest heaving. When she finally circled his anus with a questing finger, Loki regretfully pulled her off his painfully stiff cock. “Not this time, darling. I must make you wet and soft for me.” Mina let out a startled shriek as he simply lifted her by the waist and planted her pussy on his face.

“Oh, my god, Loki I’m going to smother you! Wait, just- Oh, godddd,” she moaned, back arching a little as she felt his cool tongue and lips play with her. She could hear the sound of birds chirping and the occasional rustle of leaves as if the animals here were creeping down to watch. 

Loki gently bit one of her swelling lips and held on as she tried to pull loose. “I require your attention to be focused upon me, feasting on this juicy cunt.” When she nodded a little randomly, he slid two fingers up her channel and attacked her again, sliding his tongue back and forth before latching onto her clit and sucking gently.

When he caught her startled gaze, he winked one jade-colored eye and scraped his teeth gently across the excruciatingly sensitive tissue of her pearl, enjoying her gasp and deliciously wanton moan as she came. Carefully rearranging her shaking arms and legs, he kneeled her on all fours and crawled behind her. “You present so beautifully for your alpha,” Loki purred, “just as a good little mate should. Now raise that lovely rump of your higher. I’m going to fuck you. Mate with you. Drive you into the ground.” He’d placed the reddened tip of his cock at her entrance, and then, he shoved himself up inside her, hard. “Force you to submit to me, beg for my come. You will yowl and cry out and moan, just like a saucy little female of this place would do.”

Mina was gripping the wet earth under her, trying to keep her balance as Loki drove into her with ferocity. She had a feeling he was still displeased - and perhaps the tiniest bit wounded? - by her willingness to believe he was casting her aside. And when his big hand came down on the soft cheeks of her ass with a thunderous “whap!” she was sure of it. Loki was so big in this position - filling her and spreading her so completely that it was hard to tell where she ended and he began. Everything inside her felt pressed aside for his driving cock and it was unimaginably good. He had one hand on her shoulder, shoving her back and forth on his cock, and the other pulling and stroking at her nipples. She could feel the shower of sparks move up her spine, so close to coming! And then the heartless, diabolical God of Lust grabbed her hair and pulled her head up, putting his lips to her ear. 

“Do you see them, pet?” She did - two gigantic creatures were perched on the cliffs across the pond from them, silent, but alert. They were awe-inspiring, something that looked like a cross between a tiger and a bird of prey, massive wings covered in a golden striped fur. Mina’s gasp died in her throat as she stared at the two pairs of golden eyes staring back. “They recognize us, a species dominant to them, higher on the food chain. So they will bear witness as we mate, they will not drink until we leave…” His fingers were moving faster on her breasts, squeezing and plucking at them until he felt her thighs begin to quiver. “Ah … there you are, lovely. You’re so close, aren’t you?” His thrusts were faster, shorter and sharper inside her and Mina was nearly knocked off her knees.

“Please, my King,” she moaned, “please allow me to come!”

He whispered one last, sibilant hiss in her ear. “Come. Now.” And she felt his teeth bite down into her shoulder and every last bit of sense left her, screaming and shaking, moaning as she heard him growl deep in his chest. A warning. A challenge. And the two huge creatures rose gracefully and disappeared back into the jungle as he picked his Mina up and brought her to his home. 

Long after, when Loki had meticulously bathed her limp form and smoothed a glorious-smelling lotion on her sore skin, had brushed her long hair dry and then hand-fed her bites of small and utterly delicious things, Mina finally forced enough brain cells back together to ask a question or two.

“What happened with the last incubus, the one that had me by the throat?” Loki had healed her as his first action when the demon disappeared.

Kissing each of her toes, he looked up at her slyly. “Your blood, lovely. An incubus cannot bear the essence of one pure at heart. Your blood nearly destroyed him, the monster had barely the strength to retreat back to Hel.”

Mina blinked. That was not what she’d been expecting. “I don’t- that’s ridiculous,” she said shyly, “I’m no pure thing.”

Her beautiful, infuriating Valentine gracefully moved over her, knees already between hers and spreading her wider. “Oh, my sweet Mina,” he said in a tone that could only be described as tender. “You are so very, very pure and good. You redeem me.” Loki smiled down as she blinked back tears. “And now, I shall attempt to defile you in a way that only a very, very good girl can be.”

I'm starting over with a vague memory of who might like my Loki and Avengers tales. If you would like on or off this list, please let me know! Thank you. Mwah!

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#tumblr besties and beloveds #loki fandom #tom hiddleston #loki smut #Avengers Holidays in Hel #yet another Avengers holiday fuckup #Valentine's Day with Loki #rogue roving incubi just because I love how it sounds

[caffiend-queen]

Do NOT Say 'Always After My Lucky Charms,' Or I Will Stab You

Welcome to another addition to the Holidays in Hel series! Where Loki and Mina attempt to save the Avengers from yet another catastrophic holiday fuckup.

I've been cleaning up and adding bits to my Holidays in Hel series because really, it's my favorite. I hope you enjoy, and thank you as always for reading!

Chapter Two: "Why Do I Always Smell Like Something Dead That Washed Up On The Beach?"

In which Mina discovers that the Fair Folk are not only not Fair, they're kind of assholes, and it's looking like another holiday shot straight to Hel.

Mina...

“Wh- where the hell am I?”

You were in the middle of a miraculous forest clearing with brightly colored birds swooping gracefully and gnarled tree trunks that looked ready to come alive and scold you. The sky was a vaguely eerie lavender and a single, wistful pipe was sending out a delicate tune on the wind. You could just see the sparkling sapphire and golden tints of a wide river meandering through the woods. Anxiously checking, you heaved a sigh of relief to see you were still in your sweater and tartan kilt. And, you were resting on a bed … uh … couch… “Is this like a throne?” you mumbled, “Because there’s that one spiky part that looks like it’s got a crown carved into it, but there’s blankets and… why does this shit happen to me?” The couch/bed/throne whatever you were sitting on was remarkably comfortable and rose grandly above the clearing. “So was I roofied? Loki’s the one who bought the drinks, so… Poofed? Is there someone aside from Loki who can poof people in and out of bars? Ugh. I’m beginning to feel like John McClane in Die Hard, why is it always us?”

One of the tiny, jeweled butterflies ventured closer to you and made an inquiring sort of sound. Admiring its iridescent patterns, you crooned, “Hello, you little sweetie. Don’t suppose you could show me where the exit is, huh?” The glittering creature landed lightly on your upturned hand, and two eyes popped open above the concealing swirls on its thorax. You jumped a little, “Oh! Hey, look at you! I don’t suppose you talk?” There was another delightful, high trill from the butterfly, and then a shocking amount of pain as it chomped down on the sensitive webbing between your thumb and forefinger. 

“OW! You little shit!” You shook your hand furiously but the butterfly had surprisingly sharp teeth and stubbornly hung on until you smacked it sharply on the head with your index finger. “Bad! Bad butterfly!” With a spiteful chitter, the creature fluttered away.

“Babe! You’re up!” Two arms wrapped around you like a particularly stubborn strain of ivy, a hand heading straight for your breasts.

And suddenly you were fighting off the long-limbed advances of a very handsome man.

An extremely gorgeous man with pointed ears.

“Hands off, pal! Who the Hel are you?”

He chuckled indulgently, leering at you - shit, were his eyes silver? - and took a swig of something out of the golden cup with one hand while gripping you around the waist with the other. You managed to eel free from his grip - mainly because you knew his attention was on his cocktail. Stumbling back, you took a wild look around before focusing again on him.

He was beautiful. Beautiful in the perfect, unearthly way that Loki was. Likely as tall and perfectly muscled with long, flowing golden hair and pointed ears.

Pointed. Fucking. Ears.

“Aw, damn it. You’re one of the Fae, aren’t you?” Loki had warned you about those guys.

The elf smiled again, full red lips and so alluring as his lids dropped to half-mast, looking you over thoroughly. "You are so hot. Babe, we are gonna PARTY," he paused, leaning in to whisper in your ear, “and then I'm gonna find your pot o' gold.“ He chortled loudly and for a minute, he reminded you of your ex-boyfriend Ted, president of his fraternity and notorious for the high alcohol poisoning rate on campus.

“I beg your pardon?” you gasped, “Look, I don’t care who you are- just send me back, and- wait, where’s Monty? You didn’t hurt the poor guy, did you?”

He began laughing magnificently, really, no other word would do, his head thrown back and mouth open to show his sharp, white teeth. “I am that shriveled-up old dude. I’m Monty with just a touch of glamour to make me ordinary. Now look at the real me! What a step up in your love life, huh?”

You glanced over your shoulder - was there an exit around here? A portal? A Greyhound bus? “This cannot be happening,” you groaned. “Yeah, uh… your name’s not really Monty, what is it?”

Taking another gulp of mead, or whatever the Hel the Fae drank these days, and giving an extremely rude belch, your supermodel fairy kidnapper offered, "Aengus. Prince of the Tuatha Dé Danan." He winked at you over the goblet he was drinking from, "And your fairy for Youth, Love, and Summer. I know you're honored, 'cause you are my chosen lady-babe."

“Angus?” you attempted.

“No, babe. Just- it’s Ah-hen-gess.” He put his long fingers on your jaw.

“Uh, Ah-hingus?” you tried again.

“Draw it out, gorgeous, just elongate your jaw like a snake and say, “Ah-he- Look, never mind, babe. Here,” he thrust a goblet (chalice? flagon?) into your hand and you sniffed at it. “Uisce beatha. The good stuff. It’s the second most delicious thing to come out of Ireland.” The smarmy bastard had the nerve to look pointedly down at his junk as he said this.

“M’lord, the other humans are totally bitching about getting stuck in the tree castle. You want me to knock ‘em out?” Another spectacularly good-looking elf with the body of a Ken doll and the expression of a village simpleton interrupted your little interlude.

“You- wait, there’s other humans here?” You froze in your efforts to bat away the wandering hands of Aengus and frowned at him. “How many people did you kidnap?”

Glaring at his tattle-tale elf buddy, your captor tried to smooth it over. “Babe, don’t worry about them. Let’s chill, take some clothes off, drink a brew or two…” he leaned forward, his beautiful face wearing a dashing grin. “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. It’s…” he giggled, “magically delicious!”

“Really? Oh, my god, just- geddoff me! I mean it! You do not want the Hel that is about to rain down on you in the form of my boyfriend Loki!”

Both elves stopped dead and stared at you. Aengus even put his flagon of uisce beatha down. “Did you say… Loki?” he asked hoarsely.

You rarely invoked the Name of Loki. You preferred to handle your own problems. You didn’t expect or even want Loki to get involved in all the petty details of your life because he had a tendency to attempt to take them all over in order to “assist” you. But if it freaked out these douchey Irish Fae then you were going to wield Loki’s reputation like a blunt instrument.

So… “Yes!” you hissed threateningly, “You’ve interrupted a very important night for us and Loki, Prince of Asgard, rightful King of Jotunheim and God of Mischief and Lies does NOT like to be disappointed!” 

You were pissed. You didn’t get your traditional corned beef and cabbage dinner. You did not get lucky with Loki - wait, that sounded like a dating show - but this was really the worst kind of bullshit! You may have been shy when Loki first plucked you off Madison Avenue (literally) but time and a series of disastrous holiday fuckups had definitely helped you find your voice. And your temper. You leaned forward, staring into his startled silver eyes. “And of course, you probably know Loki best as the most terrifying of the ten things that invaded Ireland. Remember the Vikings? I’ll bet you do, Angus!”

“Aengus,” he correctly absently before looking at the other freaked-out fairy. “Get the other babes, I don’t care if they’re hot, this is turning into a total buzzkill, man.”

Your eyes widened, Shit, did I just get us all killed by invoking the name of Loki? 

Loki...

“Why does this always happen to us?”

It could have been any one of the Avengers whining, and really, Loki had to agree it was a reasonable question. It had been repeated over and over, on every holiday since Stark had first insisted he attend the billionaire’s ridiculous Yule festivities.

“We are cursed,” Thor said, slumped over Mjölnir, which he had been swinging around in an extremely unsafe fashion as he shouted about “Betrayal!” and “Vengeance!” until he’d nearly caved in the skull of one of the terrified bartenders and had been threatened by Tony. 

“I will shave you bald. Point Break, if you don’t put that stumpy piece of shit down! You remember that doorman you put into a coma? Do you? That was Happy’s second cousin’s kid!” 

Trying to ignore them all, Loki was walking through the deeply uncomfortable patrons of the Dead Rabbit, which had been locked down the moment they discovered their dates had been - yet again - abducted. Bucky was following close enough to have scuffed his exquisite Bolvaint onyx dress shoes, but, well, there was more important business at hand. Also, anyone willing to attempt to get testy about being detained was instantly quelled by Bucky’s glare. 

Leaning in close to Loki, he murmured, “What are we looking for?”

Lips barely moving, he answered, “Our women were taken through some portal with that vile troll Monty,” Loki sneered, “so I am attempting to discover this portal. But upon occasion, a creature of supernatural origin might also act as the portal. So no one shall leave until -” His sharp eyes just barely caught a tuft of hair moving stealthily along the mahogany bar, and he vaulted over the shining expanse and seized the tuft of hair and the body attached to it.

“Saor mé nó bás!” The diminutive man was kicking at Loki fiercely, though his legs were too short to make contact.

Holding him up to eye level, he snarled back, “Phooka, I should have known. You must be mad to attempt Maidentheft here!”

“Wait?” Steve poked his head over the bar. “Maidens? Theft? Is this some human trafficking ring?”

“Of a sort,” Loki said, not taking his gaze from the writhing Phooka. “The Fae enjoy stealing mortal brides upon occasion. But the victim must agree to dance with them first before they can be pulled through the portal.” He gave the flailing creature a brisk shake that nearly took his tufted red head from his body. “You are the portal, goblin! Where have you sent them!”

Steve just couldn’t help himself. “Don’t you mean Leprechaun? Or is that rude? Little person? Or-”

“Call him what you want, Capsicle,” barked Tony, “but he’s snatched the girls and we need them back! Pepper’s never going to let me forget this, so let Loki do his mystical mojo shit before she has me sleeping out on the balcony for the next year!”

“Ní inseoidh mé go deo! Lig saor mé!” The glamour was wearing off Phooka and his limbs were lengthening, hair turning long and silver-blond. But then the image shimmered and he returned to the gnarled little creature he’d been before. 

“Oh, no, Cluricaun, I will not release you. In fact,” Loki’s arm raised higher, easily holding the struggling creature at eye level, “I shall bind you into this form forever.”

“Nil! Nil!” he screeched, thrashing like a trout on the hook.

“Oh, yes…” purred Loki, an unholy look of joy gleaming in his eyes, “no longer of the Fair Folk, the beautiful creature who bespells all who see him. You shall be in this lumpy, repugnant form forever. Warts covering every inch of you. Oozing pus.” Phooka shrieked and kicked, fruitlessly waving his stubby arms as Loki’s grip remained steady. 

Bucky pulled an alarmingly large KA-BAR USMC Utility knife from… somewhere. The dim light of the bar glinted off of it as he pointed it at the troll that kidnapped his Darcy. “Let me soften him up for you, huh?” Everyone crowding around them backed up three steps.

“No need, my friend. Is there, Imp?"

Looking angrily between them, the creature slumped in Loki’s grasp. Expertly spinning his knife between his fingers, Bucky looked at the rest of the Avengers. “Armor up. Let’s go get our women.”

Mina...

“No hard feelings, huh?” Aengus was examining his perfectly shaped fingernails and flicked off a bit of a fish scale. “Your dudes should be here sometime, so… you know.”

“Wait, what?” You were waist-deep in fish guts. Pepper was sliding headfirst off a mountain of what looked like rotting seaweed and slime, and Jane and Darcy were trying to fend off the seagulls who were apparently assuming they were part of the fish offal and thus fair game. “No hard feelings? You kidnapped us, you dick! And now you’re leaving us… where the hell is this, anyway?”

There would be no further information forthcoming from Prince Asshole of the Fae, because Aengus and his fairy henchmen disappeared with a sparkly ‘pop!’

“What the hell just happened?” screeched Darcy, swiping at a seagull trying to get his beak into her hair. “Get off me, you flying barnacle!”

“I’m… I don’t know,” you admitted, trying to raise one foot out of the fish guts and losing a shoe. “Ugh! This is so nasty! But I think I freaked him out by telling him we know Loki and this was really going to piss him off.”

Pepper was gagging as she slid sideways in the disintegrating fish intestines, her immaculate white suit now an unspeakable Rorschach test of nausea. “How long before your boyfriend figures out where we are, Mina?”

“Loki’s not some kind of a magical bloodhound,” you groaned, “I dunno. Did these idiots try to hide us, or is this like just dumping us off on the side of the highway like a carjacker leaving you to die?" Looking around as you struggled to free yourself from the decaying remains of what had to be half the sea life in the Atlantic Ocean, you were getting concerned that this was option number two.

There was no sign of life around you. 

“Now what?” sulked Hedley Kow, who’d really been looking forward to scoring on this night, of all nights! The Fair Folk were all hot, but man, there was something about bagging a human chick… there was nothing like it. Unfortunately, he’d attempted to woo Natasha, so he was currently sporting two black eyes and a broken arm.

Sighing elaborately, Aengus glared at him. “Ring up the Aos sí. You know there are some serious babes there, especially the Pinkets. Tell ‘em we got barrels of Uisce beatha and a live band. Those chicks will be topless by midnight!”

Loki...

When their feet hit the ground of wherever they’d been portal’ed to, the Avengers were ready. Armed, teeth gnashing, weapons bristling, and ready to bring down the entire Leprechaun Kingdom to avenge their abducted comrades. But there was no one to admire their ferocious presentation, aside from a couple of listless seagulls pecking at the bloated carcass of what was possibly a seal.

“Are you sure we’re at the right place?” Steve said doubtfully, “I just figured the Fairies would have a… fancier setup?”

“We are in the correct place,” snarled Loki, “but not in the kingdom of the Fair Folk. They have discarded the women in this benighted place.”

Tony was levitating in his suit, thrusters firing randomly as he turned in one direction, and then the other, trying to spot Pepper and the others. Loki could feel a searing headache creeping up his spine as he had to put out the small fire Tony’s suit had created on a dilapidated shed before he set this malodorous fishing slum ablaze. 

“Hey…” Bucky put down his AK-47. “I think I know where we are. This is Port. It’s an abandoned village on this tiny island off the coast of Ireland. Donegal. In World War Two, we were doing reconnaissance on the Nazis…” His ocean eyes went blank for a minute before he seemed to reboot again. “It’s supposed to be haunted. It smelled like fish guts and mildew. That part’s just the way I remember it.”

Spreading his long, pale fingers, Loki created a sizzling rope of green fire. He whispered to it, twirled it in an endless loop between his hands, and then flung it free, like a bird set loose from its cage and it soared toward the sea. “They are here,” he said, “but hidden. The Fae are spiteful, even in defeat.”

“Hey, what’s that?” Darcy was pointing a fingernail with chipped red polish at the sky.

Sliding free from the pile of fish offal, Jane still managed to slip and fall into a particularly rotted, gelatinous mass. “Damnit!” she howled, Just So Done With This.

Putting a hand over her eyes and trying to shield them from the salt-laced wind, Mina squinted. “That’s…” she knew that signature, the coils of green flame twisting elegantly as it circled around them. “That’s from Loki.” She gave an excited little jump and slipped too, ending up on her ass with a “splat!’ in a decaying barrel of… of course, fish guts. “Ugh! But that means they’re here. They’re looking for us! HEY!” Mina shouted, jumping up and down, waving her filthy arms, “Here! We’re over here!”

Within an instant, the tall, beautiful form of her lover, her god, her Loki stood before her, cradling her face in his cool hands. “And here you are, lovely.” He bent to kiss her but Mina backed away. 

“Don’t! I love you and I’m so glad you found us but don’t touch me! You’ll have to burn that suit and you know I love the Tom Ford jackets on you!” Loki’s elegant nose was wrinkling, despite his best efforts and she sighed. “Why is it that I always smell like something dead that washed up on the beach whenever you rescue me?”

“Ah,” he raised one finger, gently tapping her nose. “I did not rescue you on this particular disastrous holiday. The Fae set you free.” She shivered, looking doubtfully around the filthy pier and Loki chuckled, pulling off his jacket and helping her into it, mourning briefly. It really was one of his favorites… ah, well. “How could this happen? We were prepared for battle.”

“It was genius,” Jane said approvingly, “Mina terrified them into releasing us.”

“How?” asked Thor, clumsily petting her hair and snarling it into dreadlocks with a hint of decomposing marine life lacquer. 

“She evoked the name of Loki” Darcy interrupted, as she always did. “She scared the shit out of the head fairy guy. Man, were those assholes a letdown! I thought fairies were supposed to be so magical and mysterious? They were like frat guys! Even stupider than frat guys, which I did not know was possible.”

Loki raised one elegant black brow. “Really, my clever girl? What did you say that so discouraged them? The group of you are an extremely desirable prize to the Fae.” The women simultaneously looked at themselves and shuddered as one. “Well, not at this moment,” he allowed, “but you are delectable.”

Mina allowed herself the smallest smirk, the tiniest bit of gloating. “I told that dickhead Aengus that surely he remembered that of the ten most terrifying things that invaded Ireland, you were the worst.”

“I was there also!” protested Thor, who’d given up on trying to soothe Jane and was attempting to wipe off the gelatinous fish residue from his hands. “I was very terrifying! The Fae must sing songs of my power in battle-”

“Yes, yes brother,” Loki interrupted, emerald eyes narrowed, “did you say Aengus?”

Mina nodded vigorously. “Yeah, that shut down his sleazy seduction scene in a hurry. You should have seen-”

His elegant hands waved furiously in the air, and they all disappeared from the dilapidated remains of Port with a loud “Pop!” that scared the seagulls.

The stink from the group was so appalling by the time Loki had “poofed” them back into the Tower that F.R.I.D.A.Y. politely informed them that, “I have taken the liberty of opening the gym showers for your group, and there will be a cart to take your clothes to the incinerator.”

Watching something that might have been a fish eyeball fall out of her hair and swirl down the shower drain, Mina smiled a little to see even Natasha, who had somehow remained untouched gratefully lean into the warm water. “Everyone okay?”

“You know that when the tower’s AI refuses to let you on the residential floors without a decontamination that you smell really, really bad,” sighed Pepper, shampooing her hair for the third time.

But finally clean at last and dressed in warm, fresh clothes, Mina sighed with relief, falling into the firmly muscled arms of Loki. “Thank you for being historically terrifying, sweetheart.”

“But I was there, too!” protested Thor, still upset and looking vaguely ridiculous in borrowed sweats that barely reached his shins. “Did the sprite not mention me?”

“Uh…” Mina was trying to not actually inhale the corned beef and cabbage dinner, grabbing another scoop of creamy Colcannon before Bucky took it all. Tony was insistent that no one was heading off to bed without polishing off the Irish dinner his chefs prepared. “Try the mustard sauce, Loki,” she said, spooning some of the fragrant yellow sauce onto his corned beef. “So, I still don’t get this. Leprechauns are really just fairy guys who use it as a disguise to trick human women into like, dating them?”

Loki shrugged, elegantly slicing into his meal. “There are Leprechauns. But they care for nothing but their gold. Their interaction with mortals is minimal. But their appearance is one easily taken and the Deamhna Aerig can use it to walk among you. No sweet girl like you would turn down a dance from…” he sneered despite his attempts to remain calm, “such as Monty, now would you?”

His Mina’s chin went up, a bad sign. “I won’t ever be sorry for being kind to people.”

Sighing, he tried to backtrack. “I know, lovely. But this is also what these craven fools count on.”

Natasha was finishing off another two fingers of Redbreast 15-year whiskey. Slamming the glass back on the table, she said, “What matters now is what happens to this мудак! How do we teach them a lesson?”

Even knowing he was about to say something terrible, something probably rather evil, Mina still felt a tingle in her girl parts as Loki leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers as a slow, savage grin spread across his beautiful face. “мой друг, this is happening as we enjoy our dinner. Though,” he added graciously, knowing the Russian’s desire to handle her own ‘business,’ "I am happy to deliver the fool who assaulted you to a location of your choice for your own brand of justice.”

She just couldn’t help it, Natasha started laughing, this arrogant сволочь knew her so well. “I’m looking forward to seeing your Evil Genius. I assume you have a way for us to enjoy it?”

“Well,” Loki allowed modestly, “since you have requested it…”

It was as clear as some well-filmed high-definition film, but the scene the highly entertained Avengers were watching wasn’t fiction, though the sight of the ethereal forest of the Fae would seem so. But the vile, sweating mass of Leprechauns were anything but enchanting.

“No, ladies, just hold-” a giant fart ripped through the desperate attempt from Hedley Kow to salvage the evening. Two nymphs reared back, waving their pretty hands in front of their faces as they gagged. “I mean it, we’re just gonna switch back to our real forms and-”

“If thou could have, thou wouldst,” sneered one. “Come, sisters. It is time for the Aos si to take our leave.” Groans rippled through the forest as the silvery forms of the nymphs disappeared.

“What is happening, man?” screamed one of the Fae, pulling at his ratty red hair as he belched miserably, sending up a cloud of fumes so toxic it was almost visible. “This is on you, Aengus! No babes! We’re in Gnome Hel, man! It was Loki, huh? You pissed him off again and shit- I can’t stop farting!”

Their leader gagged, feeling another one of his monstrous pimples spurt pus onto a chest so hairy that he appeared to be wearing a sweater. “He’s just being a dick! I’ll fix it, y’know, when Loki cools down.” The sweating mass of hairy, pimpled, gaseous trolls moaned, a chorus of ear-splitting farts their only answer.

Mina...

“How are you feeling, sweet girl?” That sly devil you were in love with, the god who’d rescued you yet again from a colossal holiday fuckup that was guaranteed in the company of the Avengers, was stroking your neck very softly and it was doing things to you. 

“Better, I guess,” you were trying to not melt into some needy, shameless puddle because you were standing just behind the rest, who were still enjoying the complete shit show that the Irish Fae had found themselves floundering through. “At least we got our corned beef and cabbage dinner.”

“Mmmm…” he breathed against your ear, the vibrations tingling up and down your spine. “And is that all my darling Mina wanted for her ancestral holiday?”

“Well,” you allowed, “I’d hoped for… you know. A special moment. No matter how godawful our holidays are, the sex afterward is always so…” you sighed mistily, “spectacular.”

His long arms tightened around your waist, and you felt that strange pull at the base of your spine that told you within an instant you would be somewhere else, swept away by this magical god, who for some reason loved you. The room disappeared, and you fell onto your bed, pillows flying in all directions, and in an instant, you were naked and Loki was thrusting into you. You yelped in shock. Usually, it was a production, a slow build as your delicious god toyed and cajoled you into being ready for him. 

But this!

You were ready, oh, god you were ready and you had no idea how it happened so fast.

“W- wait, one minute we’re watching the Asshole Fae Reality Show and now we’re- oh, GOD!” He’d given a particularly savage thrust and you just howled.

“I fear I cannot be patient tonight, cailín daor,” he groaned, “I have wanted to be inside you since I heard of your genius, your terrifying of the Fair Folk until they retreated from the field of battle.”

“Th- th- they dumped us in a pile of fish guts in a haunted village!” you managed, the mattress bouncing vigorously and your hands slipping over the slick skin on his back, trying to hold on. 

“Ah,” he chuckled breathlessly, a deeply arousing growl that made your thighs clench harder against his hips, “you were cunning, my love. You were outnumbered in combat against a well-armored - though profoundly stupid - foe, and you drove them before you like sheep. You used your wit, your cleverness and I have never,” he thrust hard again and your legs flew up, toes pointing to the ceiling as the silky tip of him pushed higher inside you than you knew was possible. “I have never,” he continued, “desired you more.” Loki was speaking with his mouth against yours, not kissing so much as taking in the breath of each other, his body iron-hard and driving fiercely through you, big hands groping your breasts greedily. “So tonight, mo shióg deas, I shall fuck you, as one warrior would another after combat.” Heaving up and back on his heels, he hauled you along with him, still connected as he bent you, back arched over his arm, his other hand pushing gently against your heaving stomach. “I can feel myself,” he panted, “here.” 

You let out a screech as he pressed harder. The feel of him inside and outside of you was unimaginable. It was wild and overwhelming and so fucking sexy and it was turning you into some kind of lunatic because you wrapped your arm around his shoulder and reared up, biting his neck with your sharp little teeth. Loki let out a low, harsh groan and you could swear his cock just doubled in size.

“Do it again.” His fingers gripped the back of your hair and pressed your face to his throat. “Again.”

Grinning, you did, biting into that luscious muscle just over his prominent collarbone and seizing a handful of his thick, silky hair as well.

Loki was always smooth, exquisite, and slick in his seductions. He was not one to lose control but you felt a savage sort of victory as his sinuous hips stuttered, pushing harder, sloppier into you. “Again,” he rasped.

Now both hands were in his hair, tilting his head sharply as you bit into the other side of his neck, and to your shock, your mouth filled with the lush taste of his cool blood as your cunt filled with the heat of his come.

Shivering against each other, Loki’s hands squeezing your ass and your still gripping thick handfuls of his hair, you were still, frozen tightly together. “Holy shit,” you wheezed, “I never… That so goes on our list of stuff to do to each other again!”

Loki began laughing, a huge, hearty laugh that so rarely came from him, an unguarded moment he rarely allowed and it was wonderful. Also, it was making his cock jolt inside your swollen girl parts and rubbing up against some really sensitive places. Wrapping your legs around his hips, you started giggling, too. “Happy St. Patrick’s Day, baby,” you managed, “now, that’s celebrating like a true Ireannach!”

“And to you, my love,” he managed, “and to you.”

Ireannach - Irishman mo shióg deas - my pretty fairy

Deamhna Aerig - air demon

Uisce beatha - from the genius misreall, it means "water of life," early whiskey and the rare thing that the Fae would be guzzling on a night like this.

I'm starting over with a vague memory of who might like my Loki and Avengers tales. If you would like on or off this list, please let me know! Thank you. Mwah!

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#tumblr besties and beloveds #loki fandom #loki smut #tom hiddleston #bucky barnes #Avengers Holidays in Hel #yet another Avengers holiday fuckup #St. Patrick's Day with Loki