themoonhater

[themoonhater]

“Tell your baby that I’m your baby”

Mom never loved me, never gave me the motherly love mothers give to their children, in her case “her child”. She only had me or at least that’s what I thought. Before I was born there were five girls, none were hers but they did have a blood connection since they were her nieces. “Mom” always told me stories of their childhood, not mine ever, my childhood was filled with sorrow and woes, and she doesn’t want to remember any of those because in her story I’m the villain who took away her happiness. She loved them dearly, even now that they’re all older and have gotten on with their lives and don’t care about her, she looks at them lovingly like how one looks at the field of strawberries they have grown, but she hardly looked at me. “Mom” is forever proud of them, even though they never went to college, never learned another language, never learned how to play the piano but I did, I did for her, All I wanted was to see the bright and shiny smile she flashes whenever she sees her “Girls”. I still look at her, waiting like a good dog, and wag my tail for her to notice me, I put my paw in her hand if she asks for it and return with a dismembered one. That’s how “Mom”’s love was towards me, I gave her my bane of existence but left like a soldier from the Trojan War.

Now that I’m older, now that I see her love is different from other mothers and the love she gives others I ask myself “What did you do? What did you do to make you so unlovable that not even your mother loves you” but I swear, I swear on her life because there’s nothing more important than hers in mine I didn’t do anything wrong, what could a child possibly do to make her mother hate her. I even went running back to her after she sent me to school in first grade with bloody lips and a bruised face because that’s my mother, right? She loves me. But who beats down their innocent child like it’s just limp meat all because they didn’t like their kid’s handwriting? I remember being young and full of life - unlike now - watching all the girls playing with their mothers but all I got was getting yelled out for demanding attention.

Sometimes I think that “Mom” was out of love, I mean let’s be real here, she had five girls to love dearly of course at some point in her life she would run out of love to give but oh, how wrong I was because girls came and go, new nieces and such but no, that was not the end of it, she went out of her way to give her love to my friends, newest additions to her “Girls”.

Years have passed and I’m still not her baby. “Mom” still takes away the food from my plate and gives it to her “Girls” while I watch, starving but will do anything to make her smile. “Mom” still belittles me and hugs her “Girls” because they deserve love and I don’t. “Mom” still calls me names for being disobedient but praises her “Girls”. “Mom” never loved me and never will.

A little side note: It’s my first time writing something like this in English, I used to be a great writer back in middle school and high school, won a few local awards but ever since I started college I have been a stranger with my pen. Hopefully my writing is not that awful because it has been one of passions for years now and I’m so happy to picking it up again. I wish to improve it but for now this is all I can offer.

Also my deep apologies if you relate to this. This was inspired by “I bet on losing dogs” by Mitski. There’s this trend going on, on tik tok that made me want to share my story but I promise that I have more fun and happy stories to tell so please stay tuned lol. (btw im new to tumblr dunno if u can tell)

#mitski #i bet on losing dogs #mommy issues #my writing #writing #Spotify