thepollutedsea

[thepollutedsea]

TW//SH. A true story of a battle between love and self worth with an individual who groomed me for over a year and a half.

 It’s love, it's love.

“You better not go to bed”. No sleep no sleep or kiki will get mad. I can’t sleep now I have to stay up. I can’t go to bed or they’ll get mad at me. I have to fix my mistake, undo the damage I had caused the person I “loved” most. I never want them to be mad at me. I have to change so I won’t make them upset with me. I’m too self centered, I love attention, I talk too much shit, I don’t care about other people’s feelings. These are all the things I need to change for Kiki. Why are we even fighting Kiki? Kiki I’m sorry. Kiki, I love you so much. Please don’t leave me please don’t get bored of me. Forgive and forget. You know they have bpd it’s not their fault they said that. “I’m sorry I love you” see they apologized! They love you ok they had a bad day. Let them take it out on you. If you endure you will get compliments and feel happy for a short time. I’ll just let them yell and swear at me because I want them to feel better and know how much I care about them! “I don’t know how much you care because I CAN'T TELL”. They can’t tell? They can’t see the abuse I’ve been through? Letting them mentally abuse my mind and use me as their own personal punching bag? Cut cut. The warmth of my blood going down my leg. I’m angry with myself. I’m pathetic. Cut cut. “I’m delusional but you're pissing me off and that’s real”. Cutting, cutting , watching myself in the mirror. A twisted smile forming as I cut deeper and deeper. To the point of seeing the dermis layer of my skin. It’s not enough. Cut cut slice slice. I watch the time fly by. I cry. Slice slice. No matter what I do I always mess up. Kiki deserves better than me. Slice. “If you think going to bed is a good idea then fucking do it but don’t expect me to apologize''. Apologize, apologize. You need to give Kiki an apology for trying to sleep and end the fight. Wait what? Cut cut. I have to apologize?! They can never take accountability. Their bpd has physically, emotionally, and mentally destroyed me. But they compliment you sometimes.. They call your skin beautiful! They compliment your freckles and everything that you hate about your body. That’s love isnt it?! Right?! Cut cut. Too much cutting. Too much thinking. Why are you crying? You’re loved!! You should feel grateful kiki is still talking to someone like you. Slice- what a stupid little girl I was. This was my own fault. I’m used up. Broken. IT’S LOVE IT'S LOVE! LOVE ME PLEASE. SOMEONE LOVE ME PLEASE. Someone love me more than I can ever love myself. Cut cut cut AND CUT. CUT UNTIL I CANT FUCKING CUT ANYMORE. IT'S LOVE, IT'S LOVE!

#toxic relationship #trapped #sh #groomers #your not alone #short story