tothebonethoughts

[tothebonethoughts]

my promise to myself

i went over my calorie intake today and i feel so bad abt it. i’m making this post to remind myself that food won’t fill that void, that empty feeling i’m stuck with. it just worsens my depression. can’t keep going like this, i need to take control again

#restrictive #low cal restriction #ana #depression #purge

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does any one else think it should be easier

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Marie Howe, After the Movie

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TW purg1ng

i have tried a couple times but i just figured out how to make myself thr0w up. so now everytime i eat a normal amount of food, i literally just thr0w it back up. idk i just feel like im not seeing progress fast enough anymore. 

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Tried on a pair of jeans i couldnt even get up my thighs two weeks ago and i can actually??? Get them up????? And zip????¿¿¿??? You mean this starving shit actually WORKS????????????????

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[ low-cal recipes ]

i found this youtube channel that has a bunch of low-cal desserts (+ one recipe for low-cal pizza) called Emma’s Goodies.

[ here’s a link to the playlist with all the recipes ]

all of them are 50~cal/serving and so are great alternatives to most desserts - plus they all taste pretty good so you aren’t loosing out on flavour <3

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50 Reasons to lose weight/not binge

I am finally doin this so i can motivate myself ;P

So i can cuddle with friends and not feel like a whale

So my thighs dont chafe

I can finally look good in whatever

I'll be so tiny in my hoodies

I can get a partner who doesn't pity my fatness

I'll be able to get high and drunk faster

The feeling when you stand up and see spots

When i do smthn dome it'll be considered cute

My friends can lift me up

I can fit into small spots like a cat can

When i cry it wont look as ugly

People will want to talk to me more

I wont be as socially awkward

I can say ive had a glow up

Concave stomach ᵐᵐᵐ

So i dont fucking w a d d l e

So i dont get as out of breath as fast

No more fat rolls

No cellulite

I can wear my friends clothes

I can wear a bikini to swim

Wear a tanktop and not feel like a pig

Glasses look cute

I wont fucking sweat

Hang out with friends and not look like a pig

Back wont hurt as much lol

When im slouching my stomach wont roll

When i eat no one will think im a pig

I can run the fucking mile and look fine

So people care more

Good hands

So i can romanticize myself instead of hating it

I can take pictures of myself and not immediately delete them

No doublechin

I can wear pajama bottoms out of the house and not look fucking stupid

Ill be cute!!!

I wont look stupid wearing headphones

I can mosh and not look like a whale

Tummy grumbles will be cute

I like the feeling of being faint

I'll feel less dysphoric

People will think im hot

Ill feel like less of a burden

I can adventure places and not be sweaty and out of breath

Working out will be easier

Small arms and wrists look amazing

Id be able to see my ribs and feel like a skeleton

Clothes will be swimming on me

Ill hate myself less

Pretty if i die 💕

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one of the worst things about eds is the constant inner conflict between the rational and the irrational part of your mind.

i want people to notice that i'm unwell, but at the same time i don't want people to bother me. i want to be free, but at the same time i don't want to let my ed go. i feel like i need to be hospitalized to prove that my ed is serious, but at the same time i don't want to end up in hospital. i want to reach my ugw, but i know that if i do reach it, i'll be forced to gain all the weight back so there's no point in doing so.

living with an eating disorder means living with a constant war in your mind, this shit is exhausting as fuck.

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NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE OF LEELAH:

When Leelah and I first met, we sent videos of each other confirming who we are. She’s so adorable!

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You wanna know what happens when you're starving?

Your hair gets thin and limp. Noticeably. You don’t have enough nutrients to help it stay healthy.

You get so. Fucking. Cold. All the time. People don’t want to touch you, because you’re so cold. You’ll be shivering under a blanket, in a hot tub, by a fire, wherever you are.

You’ve heard that seeing food will be upsetting? You have no idea. Even if it’s nowhere near you, or on a screen, or in the hands of a stranger, you’ll resent it because you want it. Some nights you’ll start crying because you miss it so much.

Everything will become numbers. You aren’t just walking your dog anymore, you’re counting the minutes and calories you’re burning. You aren’t enjoying a warm day, you’re trying to figure out if the higher temperatures are making your heart rate go up so you burn faster.

Your social life will die. You’ll be skittish and avoid people when they have food in case they offer some. You’ll say no to parties and dates and meet-ups because you think there might be food. You’ll grow paranoid, terrified of people finding out. You’ll start to despise people who love you solely because they want to help.

You’ll hurt. That pang in your chest? It’s probably because you’re not eating. Your stomach? Say goodbye to its silence. Your butt? It’ll hurt whenever you sit down. You’ll get headaches, heart pains, even breathing will eventually become exhausting.

And eventually, you’ll die. Maybe you ate more than usual and couldn’t handle the thought of gaining, and exercised so much that your heart overexerted itself. Maybe you actually did gain, and that enough was enough to make you swallow a handful of pills. Maybe your blood pressure lowered to fatal levels, or maybe you passed out and hit your head on a table.

It all ends the same.

Don’t let the “pro ana’s” fool you, this isn’t a glamorous lifestyle. This is a deadly and painful illness.

I feel like a lot of people need to remember that before they skip a their meals.

Don’t do this to yourselves, you gorgeous humans. You deserve to live. You deserve friends. You deserve love.

You deserve to eat.

[tothebonethoughts]

i think sometimes trauma survivors fall into this place where it’s very hard to believe that anything that happened to you was that bad. and the only proof you have that it was that bad is that you’re suffering. and so healing can be really scary and difficult because it means giving up the only tangible evidence you have that you were traumatized in the first place 

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how does it feel to be an active tumblr user in 2021

it feels like im mentally ill

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the author of my story thinks mental illnesses are fucking pokémon. i do NOT gotta catch 'em all. i am 1 pokémon away from becoming a fucking pokémon master.

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!!!

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