ucdiaries

[ucdiaries]

A sliver of normalcy

I carry a diary with me that has my daily schedule. I glanced through the schedule today, and upon seeing it packed was frustrated about how much I have to do, and how tired I am already and how things are never getting over and the days pass so quick because I don't have a single moment of 'not doing anything'.

And then in a fleeting instant, I remember how 6 months ago, I was stuck in my bed. I was stuck in my bed almost every other day, because some part of me was hurting, and I couldn't get myself to work even if I wanted to. And all I could think of in those times, was when I would get back to a 'normal' life.

And the thought of it made me guilty for complaining today. And ungrateful - ungrateful for what I have now. A chance to live a slice of normalcy. And this is in spite of the fact that its just one of those busy weeks, and I am tired and I deserve a break from not using my brain constantly. But I still feel ungrateful for life giving me what I wanted six months ago. And in much more abundance than I had even wished. And I feel sorry for myself that I even have to debate this in my head, and keep shuttling between these two contrasting emotions. And try to make an effort to remind myself that I can feel both, and I can hold space for both. I feel sorry for what I went through, that my biggest wish through all of it, was a sliver of normalcy in life.

#chronic illness #mental health #enteropathic arthritis #ibdawareness #ibd #ibdp #ulcerative colitis #chronic fatigue #pmdd

[ucdiaries]

UC Diagnosis Anniversary

Its close to a year since my diagnosis, and looking back, I have no words. No words to describe the derailment that my life went through. No words to describe the grief that I am still processing. And no words to tell you how I feel.

I have achieved remission, yet life will never be the same. There will still be days I feel eternally exhausted, that I am in a never ending rut trying to catch up on everything I missed out, while more just gets added to the 'to-do' pile. The uncertainty has just increased by a 1000 times. The anxiety is immeasurable.

Half the days I keep gaslighting my symptoms tricking myself into believing that it is all in my head. Other days I wonder if its the disease or the medicines or both, that sends me into an anxious spiral or leaves my bones and joints hurting. Some days I appear totally normal, no one (including me) would even believe that I survive on the 8 tablets I swallow everyday. Other days, like today, I just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep. Some days I force myself to take a break, read a book, crochet or go to sleep. On others, I am trying to keep my spirits high so I can meet my thesis deadlines.

I am tired of being sick. I am tired of complaining or telling someone "my joints hurt and I am exhausted". I am tired of the extra attention I get because of my illness. I am also tired of just being tired.

On days like these, all the affirmations and positive self-talk learnt in therapy isn't enough to drown out the critical voice that says, 'you just have to push through and keep going, that is the only way you survive and make something out of your life; the only way is to pick your self out of the gutter, bunch up all the pain and tears and emotions and throw it under the carpet'.

In 1.5 years of therapy I have learnt that throwing stuff under the carpet is never the solution. It comes to bite you in the back some day. But just for today I need a carpet. Better yet, a warm, fuzzy blanket. Except that I today I want to hide all of me, not just the emotional stuff, under it, and stay there until the physical and emotional rollercoaster of things passes by.

#chronic illness #enteropathic arthritis #ulcerative colitis #ibd problems #chronic fatigue #anniversary #mental health #ibd #ibdawareness #spoonie