vee-rambles

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I don’t usually say “cringe” because I find the word deeply misused.

But holy beans, that prior interaction was cringy af

#I hope she’s a teenager cuz otherwise… #I assume she because radfem

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Bestie this is literally my post I suggest you to stop reading it if it bothers you??

One of the funniest crazy nonsense radfem has to me is saying that a all transmascs want to look like teenager twink pretty boys uwu

Because literally every single fandom I have been to has a man transmascs flock to and - it’s always the most pathetic one. Like usually on his 30s, usually fat, usually ugly, usually short, and usually a bit weird and a bit gross.

Like, maybe they only see people projecting on teenagers because they only hang out around teenagers? Which by the way… creepy.

#transmasc #I don’t get people #why did you feel attacked in the first place #guess the shoe fit?

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Sorry your majesty I didn’t realize I was talking with the Supreme Court of what’s allowed on the internet.

I care about this because the stereotype impacts my life. I can’t say I understand why mocking others having concerns is appealing, but you do you - this is a public site after all.

One of the funniest crazy nonsense radfem has to me is saying that a all transmascs want to look like teenager twink pretty boys uwu

Because literally every single fandom I have been to has a man transmascs flock to and - it’s always the most pathetic one. Like usually on his 30s, usually fat, usually ugly, usually short, and usually a bit weird and a bit gross.

Like, maybe they only see people projecting on teenagers because they only hang out around teenagers? Which by the way… creepy.

#I mean weird flex but ok

[vee-rambles]

I’m sorry this untagged post on my personal blog somehow made you think I was specifically addressing you.

One of the funniest crazy nonsense radfem has to me is saying that a all transmascs want to look like teenager twink pretty boys uwu

Because literally every single fandom I have been to has a man transmascs flock to and - it’s always the most pathetic one. Like usually on his 30s, usually fat, usually ugly, usually short, and usually a bit weird and a bit gross.

Like, maybe they only see people projecting on teenagers because they only hang out around teenagers? Which by the way… creepy.

[vee-rambles]

I mean good for you, I wouldn’t know because I’m not a teenager and I certainly don’t go around looking for teenagers. Adult TERFs (radfems, whatever) on the other hand, have such a huge fixation on trans men it’s super creepy. Like the times I have seen them mock what the consider “cringy” minors… ugh.

I don’t know what’s an own about liking very average, even ugly or messy men as a goal; when the complain is exactly we shouldn’t want to look like twinks? Like I personally don’t know any transmasc who wants to look like that, but I suppose it’s fairly common in teenagers because surprise, they are teenagers and they’ll want to look like pretty teenagers. Same that their cis counterparts and all.

But wanting to look (conventionally) attractive is bad. Wanting to look not (conventionally) attractive is bad.

It’s almost… as if there’s nothing we could ever want or do that you would find acceptable anyway.

One of the funniest crazy nonsense radfem has to me is saying that a all transmascs want to look like teenager twink pretty boys uwu

Because literally every single fandom I have been to has a man transmascs flock to and - it’s always the most pathetic one. Like usually on his 30s, usually fat, usually ugly, usually short, and usually a bit weird and a bit gross.

Like, maybe they only see people projecting on teenagers because they only hang out around teenagers? Which by the way… creepy.

#imagine complaining about tm wanting to be twinks #be told most definitely don’t and want to look up like bears mostly #and then be angry about that #like what’s the goal sis

[vee-rambles]

One of the funniest crazy nonsense radfem has to me is saying that a all transmascs want to look like teenager twink pretty boys uwu

Because literally every single fandom I have been to has a man transmascs flock to and - it’s always the most pathetic one. Like usually on his 30s, usually fat, usually ugly, usually short, and usually a bit weird and a bit gross.

Like, maybe they only see people projecting on teenagers because they only hang out around teenagers? Which by the way… creepy.

[vee-rambles]

The lies that people tell you about testosterone are so many and so hurtful. Do you know how often you can be told that you will become an unfeeling, dumb, uncreative, ugly and unlovable predator by virtue of 1 hormone before you internalize some of these ideas and view yourself in the same light? And how damaging that can be to your self-worth, your feelings of competence, belongingness, your trust in the fact that you are worthy of love? It’s so cruel to instill these images in the minds of trans men and anyone who desires to go or be on T.

And, I would argue, it has created generation after generation of men, cis and trans, who do not seek help, who do not think their real feelings are worth uttering, who only ever know how to speak in gestures of desperation, who self-isolate, who self-harm, who become addicts and consider themselves perpetual losers in every possible way. When the failure has been that of a patriarchal society that does not know how not to dehumanize everyone in it and drive a wedge between us by way of branding all of us as somehow wrong, bad and other.

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transphobia is truly such a miserable mindset. to live in a world where no one is mutable and nothing can be abstract. no one can change or decide who they want to be or enjoy the wonders of modern medicine. everyone has to live and die by pointless kindergarten rules, but no one can reimagine themselves or create a different world. don’t you get tired of black and white and making up boxes and plugging your ears to the reality that nature is complicated and funny, and human hearts can feel infinitely?

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What did I do wrong?

Clearly I fucked up. He’s mad at me, I can tell, but I don’t understand. It’s probably obvious, it always is to everyone but me.

I thought I was doing things right.

Well, clearly not. I’m so lost. I don’t understand and I struggle explaining what the problem is. My best bet is he became upset because I asked about physical boundaries with my other partner. But isn’t that, like, the proper procedure? What should I have done instead?

Then he talks about sacrifices and limits and I… I don’t get it. Is this a sacrifice? Isn’t he comfortable? Then why did he say yes to it? A no was fine, it was just a question, literally just a question. But this just feel I was told yes and then scolded when the consequences of the yes showed.

It sucks because I can’t make any sense of it.

And it sucks, because now I AM upset. Reasonably, of course, and boundaries take higher ground in 100% of cases; however, I would had preferred to be told no from the start then because now is just squishing several months of excitement. I was kinda pumped. I thought it would help with my confidence too.

And I had this stupid domestic fantasy…. heh. Im pathetic.

#love is so simple to me #yet seems so complicate to others

[vee-rambles]

I got 180€ in my piggy bank.

It’s a bird, actually, but does the deed just fine. The money won’t be for myself either, technically it will be for a clinic. Is there anything more telling about your nerves than when you start clarifying semantics?

I use it a lot when I write. Anxiety makes everyone act stupid. I wouldn’t be writing this otherwise.

I up the amount in my Ko-fi tip jar, and my face brightens each time I daydream about reaching the 2% of the total amount needed. I also can count the euro my boyfriend so kindly gave me. That’s 181, then.

It probably won’t be 5000. More like 4000 or so, but I want to be prepared. I know the recovery period is a bitch. I might have to cover some with a caretaker, so my husband doesn’t have a worse time than the one I usually give him.

It comes so suddenly. I guess I’m sick of waiting. I have waited 15 years to have a legitimate chance to have surgery. I’m tired of waiting. I know that even if I would have described differently back then (not realizing I had options), I always wanted this.

I just kind of thought I wasn’t allowed.

So pretty, you know? You’re going to ruin something so pretty.

I wish I was ruined already, so I wasn’t chained to the beauty of something I despise.

[vee-rambles]

I have been commenting with my sister my testosterone levels are really low. Like, even for a female I mean, I’m close to the lower line for them to be abnormal.

We were wondering if increasing testosterone, not to a transmasc level, but just to a more balanced quantity on the female limits, would help. It doesn’t seem my other hormones are that high and rather that they don’t have anything to stop them from being overwhelming.

I’m not a doctor though, maybe I’m spouting nonsense.

#but would make sense I experience so many symptoms of estrogen excess #(to simplify it) #but the levels are normal? #maybe the problem is that I lack the opposite #testosterone helps regulating emotions after all #I maybe I stop being hot all the fucking time #seriously I feel like I’m menopausal at times

[vee-rambles]

I can’t stop stressing about the hormones I’m taking. Several of the common side of effects (1 of every 10 patients) are excruciatingly terrifying to me.

Loss of sex drive, acne, weight gain, depression, sleep issues, increasing chest size???

I know all medication ever has those in the side effects, but not in the very common section! Honestly this just feel like birth control all over again. I’m very wary of these new pills, but I’m giving them a fair shot.

#also that it’s described as an anti-androgen gives me bad vibes #but it should lower my estradiol levels

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What can I say tho, I looked fucking fine.

Like I would be hot as hell

(Alas very few people think that, but I’m talking from personal taste. Or confidence? I know I will objectively -according to beauty standard- be prettier as a girl, but I always feel so much handsome when I think of myself as a guy)

I did briefly seen myself in the mirror in underwear, and probably because of the visual effect of the boxers, it looked like I had a bulge.

I immediately went to check with my hand and obviously not, just a visual trick. But I felt so happy for a moment that in that brief second I thought I had a bulge, I had been left with such a huge smile.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and it faded as I thought that I will just… not have that. It faded more as I thought about my therapist, insisting I only want to get rid of my breast because “you desire to come back to a sexless state of childhood”.

How is wanting a dick that, I wonder??

#just personal taste #wonder if it happens to anyone else #I would say maybe you just find guys hotter in general? #but I’m very sexually attracted to women actually #bisexual as hell

[vee-rambles]

I did briefly seen myself in the mirror in underwear, and probably because of the visual effect of the boxers, it looked like I had a bulge.

I immediately went to check with my hand and obviously not, just a visual trick. But I felt so happy for a moment that in that brief second I thought I had a bulge, I had been left with such a huge smile.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and it faded as I thought that I will just… not have that. It faded more as I thought about my therapist, insisting I only want to get rid of my breast because “you desire to come back to a sexless state of childhood”.

How is wanting a dick that, I wonder??

#I’m not sad at the end #if I don’t start T it will be because the issues outweighed the benefits #like I really really want to make sure my hubby is comfortable #and that’s more important for me than having a body part I want #but it’s a shame ultimately #I’m more annoyed than no one wants to listen to me #I just thought for so many years everyone wanted to have the opposite genitalia? #I swear I thought that was like the normal thing! #transition #transmasc #ftm #testosterone #ftm hrt

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the prince is such a pretty, delicate, handsome thing. all curls and soft lips and fine fabrics. he is gentle and artistic and charming, the golden son of the palace.

he is protected by his personal knight, tall and broad with a handsome rugged face covered in battle scars. his expression is always stoic and he never talks much, but he and the prince seem to get along incredibly well, spending most of their time together, and not just in a professional capacity.

the rumours and gossip abound—the servants whisper to each other, watch the pair disappear for long periods of time, imagine the prince pinned underneath all that muscled glory, mewling and whining as his royal highness is pounded into again and again.

the other knights tease the knight, telling him how lucky he is and how jealous they are—what they wouldn’t give for a beautiful prince begging for their cocks, having a handsome submissive royal hole to fuck whenever they wanted.

the knight smiles, but does not say anything. his peers take it as confirmation and clap him on the back as he polished his armour.

he tries not to let them hear his breath hitch as the plug in his ass is jolted for a moment. he looks across the courtyard to see the prince, who smirks, knowing exactly what the other knights think.

they let everyone think what they want. despite their ranks, no one would believe the truth. that the knight comes to the prince’s chambers every night and is tied up in his royal highness’ finest silks, that he fucks himself on the hilt of his own sword for his majesty’s pleasure, that he kneels at the throne every night as his prince spreads his legs and commands his knight to use his mouth to please him.

only the prince and the knight need to know what really happens behind closed doors.

after all, a loyal knight should kneel for his prince and serve him.

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I feel so alone with all these T thing…

I asked every transmasc I know if they were hesitant, or scared, or wary, or just had doubts; but none had. Makes me feel like a faker to be the only one that has those feelings. Like I don’t want it enough. Maybe I don’t.

I mean, there’s plenty that would be awesome. And sure, there’s parts I’m less than thrilled about, certainly facial hair, hair loss or more belly fat are not the best; but it’s none of these I’m wary about.

It’s just… man I’m always so unlucky, and with hormones it just always a bad time, and yeah the ones that always screwed me up were female, but what if male hormones fuck me up too? I’m scared of it, man. Sure, the loss of bone density and the increase risk of heart attack is not statistically worrisome, but with my luck…

Like, my CHILD DOSE of stimulants is already increasing my blood pressure quite worryingly.

And then there’s other things, like it can cause hunger and I could gain weight again, and sure, on T more would go to build muscle, but I’m fucking terrified of gaining weight. Like you don’t understand, I have nightmares CONSTANTLY about my body, I’m at the verge of vomiting every single day, I can’t stop replaying my meals and cry. I so need to lose weight god (if at least didn’t have this chest that ruins it…!)

Then there’s the odor. You sweat more, yeah? That’s just a male thing. But I swear so much already! And I stink! And I’m so paranoid about my smell, I got constantly to the bathroom to check it, I ask my husband all the time, I never sit or lay directly into anything that could smell. And despite how careful I am, my parents still call out my bad smell all the time. At least now I’m allowed to take off my shoes inside, which I wasn’t for all my teen years due to that.

Imagine how much worse it would be if my smell became stronger!

And people say T makes you more chill, less emotional, even a bit limited in range, and… I don’t know how I feel about that? Like it would probably be good, my emotions are all over the place, I feel everything so strongly all the time, it’s exhausting. But I also unwind crying a lot and what if I can’t cry anymore or something?

Sigh… and yeah, of course, the big flashing billboard. How much I can pretend to extend the love of an straight man? He accepted the chest thing, quite begrudgingly. But I’m just positive that if I grew a dick, he’s just gonna… I don’t know. He probably find it disgusting. Learning you actually grow a dick on T without need for surgery was like Heaven, until I realized what it meant for my options and my marriage.

It also has a chance of making me drier (“vaginal atrophy” which sounds so catastrophic for just not being as wet or letting as much inside, which tbh I don’t care for), which I know it’s a huge turn on for him so like. Just watch the thing burn.

I’m admittedly curious about the possibility T could potentially cure my anorgasmia. I mean, besides the changes I would like. But…

I dunno, I’m scared. And I’m so fucking NOT risking my marriage.

I guess I already had an answer, I just didn’t want to accept it…

#so kind #thank you!!!