viktors-still-beating-heart
Weird little mentally ill den
Viktor - 19 - they/he
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The ED has not been ED-ing, really. The thoughts are still there, but I have been eating pr "normally". Sometimes overeating, altho not properly bingeing, thank fuck. Probably gained some weight, probably haven't gained a crazy amount. Maybe I have.
I don't rlly give a shit abt anything atm, altho I kinda do give a lot of shits at the same time. Going to try to not gain any more weight, maybe try to lose some, try to take what opportunities I can.
On one hand, life is good rn, day-to-day shit is quite enjoyable-ish. I've made some fucking incredible, lovely friends. Idk how much they care or don't care about me, esp since they're quite new friends, but they're rlly amazing people and talking to them is a lot of fun.
Blegh. Every day, swinging between being happy and semi-fulfilled and excited abt the future, to feeling insubstantial and nothing-y, to wanting to cut everything out of my life and punish myself and rot away.
I'll be fine, I'm always fine, even if I'm not well I'm still always fine in the end. I should be glad for that, at least. Things could be so much fucking worse.
Want everyone who ever knew me to completely forget that I ever existed. Want to be shut in some dank flat in some bloated, uncaring city. Want no one to ever know that I exist. Want to spend the rest of my life in some living purgatory. Do I actually want that tho? No??? Not rlly???
Idfk. Self-pitying nonsense and bullshit, etc. etc.
Got to try and find a way to not let my feelings consume me, while still feeling my feelings fully. Got to try and just improve without kicking myself over every failure, past or present or future. Got to recognise my failures, while not allowing myself to be crushed by them.
Can I talk to people about my issues without sounding like a pathetic, self-centred whinge? Will they even be able to help me, or will I just hear things that I already know? Will my image be ever tainted in their minds? Does that matter? Do they not deserve to know how awful I truly am?
Talking into the void is good lmao, even if anyone sees this and thinks it's stupid as shit, at least you're just a distant, digital stranger. Maybe it's not stupid as shit. Egh. Not my call to make.
Might be more active on here, might not. Doomsaying rn but things are okay, this is the mentally ill den after all, most of the not-bad stuff doesn't belong here. I'm always fine. I hope you'll always be fine too, in the end.
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Real weird mood today. Not exactly doing it rn but might try to starve. Maybe if I get low again I won't want them any more. Maybe I'll lose my mind, lose my thoughts, lose my emotions, lose the stupid animal feelings. Maybe they won't want me any more, either, if I look too repulsive. I'll be pathetic and uncomfortable and boring and offputing and maybe we'll just fall apart. I want to rot and suffer and this feeling will probably pass in a night or two. We'll see.
Heh, got one of the best and most Viktor-y compliments of my life the other night. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't mean it, they probably just know how to flatter me and don't mean the words truly. It was nice though.
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Aight I think I'm gonna try fasting until... idk.... maybe I'll try fasting for 24 hours, at least. I'm going to aim for fasting until I next eat with a friend (prob less than 48 hours) and if I feel faint or smth then I'll have a slightly milky coffee. I'll see how it goes. Ate a lot so I can't rlly eat for the rest of the day lmao, stupid. If I can fast then at least I won't feel bad. Rlly need to sleep so that will help to pass some time. I'll update you guys on how it goes, if I remember to.
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God, I wasn't thinking about the calories in my coffee, might go for a walk later to make sure I'm actually at net zero or net negative calories for the day. At least it'll be tomorrow soon and I can reset the cal counting lmao.
I was hoping to meet a lovely friend today but wasn't able to - turning it into a positive by telling myself I can get skinnier for when I next see them, lol. Slightly mad bc I ate an entire pack of rice cakes instead of saving any for later, but I'll do better tomorrow. It will be fine.
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19/11/2023 ED Food Log:
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~100ml fizzy drink - 93kcal
too many choc chip rice cakes - 745kcal
carton of coffee - 550kcal
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Total calorie intake: 1388kcal
Total calories burned: ~1300kcal
===================
Net calories: 88kcal
#viktors still eating food#ana diary#tw ed#edblr#ana boy#trans ana#ftm ed#ftm ana#enby ana#enby ed#nb ana#male ed#⭐️ving
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Lmao I feel like I'm about to start my period again even though I basically just finished it. Skin's been bad and I feel weirdly sad rn. Probably just tired and not washing my face enough.
Think I restricted alr today. Idk the calories but at least in terms of food it couldn't have been too much. Keep putting sugar in my coffee though :/ I like sugarless coffee. I have no fucking clue how many calories are in the sugary coffee. I need to stop. It feels bad and freaks me out and makes my stomach sore too, I think.
Anyway, got the next few days free to restrict a decent bit and things should be getting better in general on that front pr soon. Might return to being more active in some sorta way lol, sorry the posts have been a bit fUnKy.
I am definitely tired. Hopefully I'll be back soon with a less shit post. Good wishes to y'all, even if it's cheesy.
:P
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Gah, this is not rlly me returning to being active but finally remembered to log back in lmao.
Pr regular ED stuff the past while, been swinging between slightly restricting and slightly overeating. It's shifting though, I think. Got a friend who's real thin and they made a small comment about like not rlly ever eating meals and shit which has, apparently, massively triggered the ana brain. Worried about that friend tbh, idek them that well but wouldn't be surprised if they've got an ED. Gonna be keeping an eye on them altho idk what I could even do to help.
Anyway, binge eating shit had disappeared almost entirely for a bit, I can feel the urges trying to claw their way back but I'm hoping I can keep it all under control. Bought rice cakes for the first time in maybe years lol, return of the fucking king. Hoping to just restrict whenever possible as usual, atm I can't do any sorta coffee-only diet or whatever and I can't weigh myself but tbh I feel fairly confident than I can still lose some weight pr consistently so long as I don't allow myself to slip.
I swear I overeat for one day and I can feel the fat seeping into me, constricting, piling on like concrete. Ik it's probably just bc I'm full or just in my head or smth but it feels so awful. Plus there's this rlly cute and sweet person that I'll probably get to fuck and cuddle with soon and like... dudes... if I can get even a bit skinnier for that then holy shit. Kinda ridiculous, but I'd be so fucking glad if I could be extra hot for them. They probably don't care about that. I hope not, though it'd still feel good for me.
Bit mentally gone atm lol this had better be semi-coherent. Basically, I am alive, I hope that you're alive, and I'll likely be getting back into the groove of proper restriction and all that bullshit. No clue if I'll be active any time soon. Also, moving out has been great and there's some amazing people here. Life is pretty good man, thank fuck.
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Once again I have disappeared for over a week lmao, I rlly gotta keep up with this food diary at least man.
Since it's October time now, this presents me with an opportunity to motivate myself some more. Figured I can make a fun plan to undergo a ~skinny vampire boy~ transformation in time for halloween. Idk if I even have the money to dress up for it, but it'd be nice to already have a costume just from my body.
I'm thinking maybe I can try to do a liquid fast sorta thing?? At least a couple of days a week I don't rlly have control over my restriction, so if I can do a liquid fast every other day of the week then it'll be much easier? Since I have 2-4 days where I can still somewhat try to restrict but like I will be forced to eat, so then I won't just be starving all the time and also I have something to look forward to when I am starving?
Idk if I have the fucking will to liquid fast for even one day lol but I'll try. I'll allow myself to do an OMAD thing if I rlly can't bear it but tbh it would probably be more tolerable if I just stick to the liquid fast. I have black tea, peppermint tea, and coffee. I'll let myself have milk in my drinks but try not to go overboard. I am studying atm so if this fucks with my cognitive abilities too much then I'll make a meal plan or smth. If it's just for a few weeks then hopefully I can push through??
Maybe I'll make a proper diet plan post since this is just a wall of text. Also srry I feel like my tone is super off, I am very sleep deprived and in a funky mood.
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25/09/2023 ED Food Log:
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Instant coffee w/ milk - 50kcal
Peshwari naan - 486kcal
Cereal w/ milk - 200kcal
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Total calorie intake: 736kcal
Total calories burned: ~1350kcal
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Net calories: -614kcal
#viktors still eating food#ana diary#ftm ed#ftm ana#ana boy#male ed#trans ana#enby ana#nb ana#tw ed#edblr#⭐️ving#i wanna be weightless
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Hullo tumblr friends idk if anyone noticed or is bothered (not in a "nobody cares about me" way I just genuinely dk lol) but I have been gone a while, sorry.
Fucken saying I'll try to post daily food logs then disappearing lmao, hopefully I actually will now tho. Been busy and also not keeping track of my eating much recently, but I rlly need to. I don't think I've been overeating too much but it's hard to tell. I'll post a food log tn and try to keep up with it.
Hope my followers and beloved mutuals have been doing okay (or at least not any worse). Not to be cringe but you guys are cool and nice.
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13/09/2023 ED Food Log:
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Banana - 120kcal
Veggie pizza slice *2 - 474kcal
Instant coffee w/ milk - 50kcal
Can of cream soda - 2kcal
Potato waffle *4 - 388kcal
Instant coffee w/ milk - 50kcal
Hot chocolate - 40kcal
===================
Total calorie intake: 1124kcal
Total calories burned: ~1400kcal
===================
Net calories: -276kcal
#hope this is a decent format n not making yr eyeballs bleed#viktors still eating food#ftm ed#ftm ana#male ed#ana boy#trans ana#enby ana#nb ana#tw ed#edblr#ana diary#⭐️ving#i wanna be weightless
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Okay, so! Did a poll yesterday for if you guys would want a daily food diary, results are in and it looks like most people would want it :) cool!
Apologies to the one person who voted for a weekly one lol, if I end up being spammy with them then feel free to complain at me. Anyways starting from today I'm going to try to be restricting properly and I will be posting food/calorie logs - no promises that I'll actually keep up with doing them every day but I'll try to for now.
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I have no scale atm but I weighed myself before moving and I think I'm ~46kg (18.9 BMI sadge) rn... can't do proper wl documentation ofc but I can estimate my calorie intake and I have a fitness watch for my daily calories burned.
Idk if I reach enough people to get any answers, but feel free to vote ^^ I might start doing a daily log to track things if people would want it, then I can check my weight when I'm back home or if I get a scale.
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Asjkhgkfhfjfhf I have a bunch of cans of cream soda and I was all like "since they're probably so high cal I can have one per day as a treat if I'm doing well restricting", figured I'd check the calories just to see how much it'd hurt and dude!!! They're sugar free!!!!! These delicious motherfucking cream soda cans are 3 calories each!!!??
Wtf new safe drink discovered ig, this is amazing.
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Uh content warning ig for me talking about really gross mould n probably tmi ED kinda stuff idk but it's nasty,,
DUDE. From my room I removed some mouldy dishes + some rubbish bc I'm moving out and I needed to remove them finally before my family tidy it while I'm gone.
It's rlly bad and the disgusting result of me struggling to tidy + bingeing + purging. Most of the time I find it hard to keep on top of clearing the dishes from my room since I eat and drink up there fairly often.
Occasionally I've left dishes for too long and they start to grow mould, if it's not too bad I'll do an intensive bleach-y clean on them while my family is out (idk if this is safe uh) or if it's real bad I'll just chuck them out. Also sometimes when I leave dishes it's because I've binged and I feel too ashamed to bring down the mass of post-binge dishes in front of my family, I don't want them to be concerned and I feel so gross for bingeing.
Also some of the time when I have binged I'll purge, and there's been a few times where I've just regurgitated the food back into the dish I'd eaten it out of (I'm so sorry, I need to vent this, good lord). Idek why I do this bc the toilet is so close and it just makes the tidying/leaving dishes issue so much worse bc I can't exactly bring down a fucking bowl of saliva and bile and food mush down to wash in front of my family.
It's always so bad and stupid, I can deal with it but still the mould really (I think understandably) freaks me out and it's just drenched in shame and asjfgkhdgfhj it's not fun and it's my fault entirely. It is interesting to see the different types of food mould tho lol, especially when it's purged stuff it reallyy makes mould thrive, delightful.
Anyway fucking I was throwing everything into a bin bag and I moved a box that was under my bed bc it had some broken mugs inside it that I hid but wanna try to repair. No big deal, but I see another (whole) mug that was hidden behind the box. Huh that's not good, idk why I hid that but it's almost definitely got mould in it. I put the box down and took a proper look at the mug.
What the fuck. Let me tell you that that thing was housing some godforsaken, unholy, horrifying entity. This absolute creature was like a fucking demon slowly creeping out and growing under my bed over an untold period of time, I'm so glad that it wasn't touching anything except its ceramic home. It had these long, glossy, black hairs all fountaining out and hanging over the edge of the mug. A deeply unsettling fungal wig spilling out, slithering out. Some of the hairs had small beads on them, and they were all growing out of this mysterious greyish mound at the bottom of the mug. Awful. This fungus has come from the deepest depths of hell and risen as a spectre to haunt me for my disordered wrongdoings.
Truly, what the fuck. At 5.30am I sealed its demonic body and soul into that bin bag and snuck through the house, out the back door, and across the gravel and wet grass to banish it into the bin. Thankfully I managed to get back inside into my room without my family waking up. I am relieved but shaken, holy shit lmao.
It's all good now ig and honestly pretty funny overall, quite an experience - typical ED shenanigans. I doubt any of y'all will be bothered to read this wall of text but goddamn, I just needed to write it all out somewhere. Hopefully the writing is alright bc I'm quite sleep deprived. Mental illness is cool. What even are eating disorders lmao, this is horrible. Hello if you read this, I hope it was worth it and not upsettingly nasty.
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Where are u from?
Yo, I'm from the UK! Won't specify any more than that but I am, indeed, bri'ish.
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Not been posting much just bc barely anything has been happening in my life n also I've pretty much just been eating "normally" (kinda).
Honestly tho it's felt good being able to sit down for a meal and not do some fucking advanced logistics trying to figure out what's lowest calorie, how I can avoid things, how I can seem normal while staying below a certain number of calories for the day, all that good stuff.
This is not me recovering lol, just letting myself go for a couple weeks until I can move out and have complete control, but it is giving me a taste of what recovery could be like and I gotta say it is nice! Ignoring the whole weight gain thing, eating like a regular human being is very nice!
#every day I become more afraid of weighing myself hELP#I feel like I'm gonna be fucking 10kg heavier or smth#ftm ed#ftm ana#trans ana#enby ana#nb ana#tw ana shit#tw ed#edblr
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