wonderalwaysland

[wonderalwaysland]

Fear of pursuing what you really want

Recordings

Include it in the paris comics

[wonderalwaysland]

Песня безумца текст

Когда ждать тепла, mi amor, mi amor,

Ты скажешь в январе, mi amor, mi amor.

Истерзан я внутри, mi amor, mi amor,

Скажешь, плюнь, да разотри, mi amor, mi amor.

Я с тобою скоро чокнусь, от этих проверок на прочность,

То ты на все согласна, то мне ты не подвластна,

И все-же это прекрасно, что с тобою я скоро чокнусь.

Ах как твои безумства будоражат мои чувства,

Слетаю я с катушек, от вида твоих веснушек.

Но мне так даже лучше, я с тобой с радостью чокнусь.

Слетает с катушек, ему даже лучше.

Слетает с катушек, ему даже лучше.

Слетает с катушек, ему даже лучше.

Слетает с катушек, ему даже лучше.

Я стобой-ой-ой-ой-ой то-то-то-то-точно чокнуууууусь!!!

That's a funny song, I heard it yesterday but ig this translation differs from the original lyrics, but it's funny and I like it better

[wonderalwaysland]

<3⋆͛♡⋆͛ε>

⋆͛♡̷♡̷⋆͛

[wonderalwaysland]

"Focus on how being happy and quiet the mind"

Instead of searching for signs , just be open to them. Listen to yourself listen to my needs, what my body needs, listening to what my soul needs, and instead of judging what comes through, accepting it with love and loving yourself unconditionally.

Focus on finding inner peace for myself, so it will either help this connection become more peaceful or at the very least I won't be stressed about outcomes and how situations be fixed. By finding inner peace I'll continue to see things from a higher perspective.

Don't be afraid of making the changes, I want to make in my life. Be the change that u want to see in your life. I need to start being person I fantasize myself being. Release expectations of how this change will happen. Change the aspects of what I can control. Time to find my own peace and create a life I want to live.

Plant the seeds. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to start. Start planting the seeds for what I want. Set my intentions on what I want and trust myself in gaining them. My desires and dreams are not selfish. I deserve these things and I deserve to unconditionally love myself the same way I would love this person."

"You can't ruin what is meant to be"

"Love is a choice"

[wonderalwaysland]

#Spotify

[wonderalwaysland]

What a sweet song!♡

#Spotify

[wonderalwaysland]

Блин капец! Я короче прошла обучение в раунд1, мне понравилось, ваще класс!

И все такие дружелюбные и веселые(ну не совсем после работы) но мне понравилось. Возможно я даже уже люблю эту работу. Это сильное заявление конечно, но вот

[wonderalwaysland]

So I am letting u go ig

I am letting go of all my expectations. Well, I am trying at least. But this time I am quite sure about it.

Here I was preparing a speech or sth like that but does it rlly matter? No

But anyway thank u for being with me and appearing in my life. Though u are just a плод моего воображения хдд

Anyway I might remember about u from time to time, but I won't be thinking it over much. All these hidden expectations I didn't see were there, but it's not cool. But it gave me lots of ideas so for that I thank thee, Dream boy.

And it's unfair to impersonate u into a celebrity actually. I mean it started of that way ofc but the guy I imagines wasn't him at least I think so. But it doesn't rlly matter yet again. Well, not anymore at least.

But ig I'll keep this account as a diary to let my emotions out(like I was supposed to and kinda did)

And today I rlly wanted to share this artist, he is AMAZING I love his voice and his songs. I mean not all of them ofc but I like them anyway and this song just stuck in my head

🌌And here is the full moon, it's wonderful✨

#Spotify

[wonderalwaysland]

I have to confess I still have mixed feelings about you. Really.

Idk if u are him or not. On the other hand it's not that important, but sometimes it feels like it is. So I just hope to think of u less. But I know for sure u inspire me.

And I feel so much better when I think of u after trying to go out of my comfort zone ( mostly meaning using dating apps, lol I don't like them after all) but I at least marched with a few ppl and even talked to them I think it's a progress. But yeah I feel like it's wrong thing to do, at least for me, that's why I felt kind of bad. Ig I have to listen to my inner self more. So I am deleting the app now ahah.

Actually I feel like cuz of u I am becoming bipolar or sth, tho Ig it'd be wrong to blame it on u, it's just the way I am. There are times when I contradict my own self. And towards u I have even more contradicting moods or feelings. Idk how will u interpret it, I don't know how to do it too.

So yeah that's it for now ig (":

[wonderalwaysland]

I just had a good cry. Really, it feels quite good, I feel relieved and maybe light a bit.

Phew

This book"The authenticity project" is really good, I like it. I didn't cry cuz of book, though it was partly the reason. It just made me remember this vulnerability thing I was talking about the other day. Which made me think yet again about why am I afraid to be vulnerable and how the manner of person's cry describes him/her. So yeah, I thought I would,'t write it here but somehow I feel like doing it now.

In my opinion, it mostly depends on person's upbringing and the way ppl close to him treat him and his emotions(like his mental health or sth like that) and ofc it first comes from parents, usually. And my parents if I am tbh, aren't that good with this thing, hence it reflected their attitude towards my(and my siblings too ig) emotions. I still remember them saying these lines: " don't cry/whine, u know I hate it when u do so" or sth like that. Or how they discredit my feelings or emotions sometimes. I realize now I felt hurt by this but at that time I would just ignore it like many other of my emotions.

When I was 4 or around that time I tried not to cry and be brave, I felt so proud of it when I succeded. Actually I don't remember much from that time. And can't say I was a good kid. And I remember mum crying several times, I felt bad for her. And she often(or sometimes) shouts or causes a ruckus. Really ig I felt pressured about that before and with time I got used to it. And yeah I was kind of afraid(?)to disappoint her or make her angry. But know I just sympathize with her ig. Yeah I love her and I know she had a tough childhood and now she kind of rejects some of her emotions/feelings, in short I think she doesn't really understand herself and from my point of view she isn't satisfied with her life. My descriptions makes her look pathetic maybe, but actually she is quite strong and affectionate too. U know, ppl have lots of sides to them. So the side of her that makes her not to fully accept her own true feelings/emotions and hence not to accept it in her own children(and maybe in other ppl too) really makes me sad. I do wish one day she embraces all sides of herself and starts truly loving herself more.

And tbh I have always wished that she will accept me for who I am and just u know how some stories or cartoons picture these loving mothers who are calm and reliable, ofc they do have other emotions, but kids also can emotionally lean on them. Like when her child cries or is angry she will find kind words to support him, to comfort him, and do so from the bottom of her heart. How I wish my mum can become something like that one day. Really. It will mean that she is in peace with her inner self I think. When she starts truly caring after her own (mental health it is) self, she will truly start loving us. Not that she is lying now or anything, u know, that's not what I mean. It just she acts like "mum" and in many aspects looks down on us, telling we are too young and when will we behave like adults already, but she herself acts non the better (I mean on emotional level), she and my aunt always tell those things, but act like kids if not worse sometimes. But that's who they are. It can't be helped. But I just wanted to rely on her, u know. Now I don't want to(or I do but I know it's hopeless for now), but I think I did want it when I was younger and needed support. Not that she didn't give it to me, but I kind of felt like she often rejects my emotions and would, so I never really felt accepted hence didn't bother telling all things I felt, and I still don't. I am afraid I might and up blaming her. And it only hurts her more, bot helping at all. On the other hand, why should I be responsible for her mental health, she should be the one to think about it not me. For now I only am responsible for myself and my feelings. So all I can do is accept her for what she is and hope she'll get better at understanding her inner world. But I wish she would respect me(us) more, if we are her children it doesn't mean we don't have feelings, right? And I think if we respect and love ourself wouldn't we want to make others feel the same? And hence treat them how we want to be treated. So I have been working on it for the past months and still working. I should confess I also used to look down on kids, not full respect them and the same goes for other ppl too it seems. I can clearly see this boundary that divides my view on ppl : before and after. This is funny, I never saw this coming, not like I could. There were many things I knew but didn't truly realize.

Ig I have mentioned some of the things said above before. But yeah I just wanted to say this once again and I think there are some thoughts I haven't mentioned before too.

Thank you, really ♡

[wonderalwaysland]

Я сейчас читала книгу, и внезапно подумала о тебе, хотя на самом деле, если честно мне кажется я редко перестаю думать о тебе вообще. Просто в некоторые дни я чувствую тебя(?) ближе как будто. Я не знаю, как объяснить это чувство.

В общем, я читала и задумалась. Мне кажется, людям не столько нужны другие люди, сколько место/человек/ да что угодно, куда можно выплеснуть свои чувства и эмоции, и физически и словами и мыслями. Но с другой стороны не всем этого достаточно. Всё-таки хочется получать ответных чувств, поддержки, понимания, любви другого человека или существа(кошки например?)

И вот мне кажется, что это немного грустные мысли. Потом я представила, как я пишу что-то или рисую вот в такой же меланхолии, философствую, так сказать, потом смотрю на тебя, ты сидишь рядом и тоже смотришь своим внимательным взглядом, пытаешься понять, что я там думаю. Такой вот твой взгляд мне нравится, но не нравится. Ты вообще вызываешь во мне противоречивые чувства. Когда ты так смотришь мне в глаза, мне кажется, что ты смотришь мне в душу, и мне это приятно, но неприятно. Я конечно, знаю, что вряд ли ты можешь прочитать, что у меня творится внутри, но я знаю, что ты пытаешься меня понять, и мне от этого не совсем уютно. Но я люблю тебя. Мне нравится смотреть на тебя, в твой внутренний мир, короче просто наблюдать за тобой и смотреть тебе в глаза.

Но это странно, учитывая, что мы с тобой еще не раз не встретились. Разве что во сне пару раз.

Кстати, думая об этом я как раз вспомнила свой сегодняшний сон. Я удалила tumbrl там, т.к. была зла на тебя и расстроена и наверное просто разочарована, не столько в тебе сколько в себе. Иногда я знаю, что мы по-любому встретимся, но с другой стороны я не могу не сомневаться в этом. Это странно. Меня немного пугает или скорее настораживает, что даже мысли о тебе могут вызвать во мне столько чувств сильных и противоречивых, мне страшно(но интересно) представить, что я буду ощущать, когда это в самом деле произойдет. Это так странно и ново для меня. Но как ни странно(опять-таки) я знаю, что это к лучшему и так должно быть. Я просто уже люблю тебя и меня это пугает, я об этом уже писала раньше. Хотя это все похоже на какую-то драму в моей душе, я сравниваю тебя с маяком. Ты помог мне раскрыть новые стороны меня, хотя они скорее старые, но они всё же новые. В общем, ты наверное, ускорил процесс моего "пробуждения" так я его называю. Вот.

Вообще, мне кажется я уже об этом писала раньше. И хотя ты и путаешь меня, но это скорее я путаю себя, т.к.это все в моей голове, а тебя я толком и не знаю.

Если ты это читаешь сейчас, то наверное, тебе интересно, почему я написала это на русском. Если честно, я и сама не знаю. х)

Но почему нет?

[wonderalwaysland]

But speaking about expressing ur feelings clearly and just talking things through, I know I am not the one to speak about that as I myself don't quite do it. But the thing is sometimes I realize my feelings/emotions?later than I don't know what, but just later. U know it took me several years to understand what being lazy meant hahhash

And thus I realized just now that I sometimes I feel jealous of my cousins or of their friends or that I want to have friends to hang out with not always. Like I know we are cousins and so, but it doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with u too. Well to sum up I am just jealous of her hanging out with her friends and not with me. And this groupmate I guess I am friends with. We managed to go to the movies once together but I'd like to go somewhere again. And sometimes I just hint her at that but maybe I am too spontaneous, and I understand her plans and feelings too. Yeah I should suggest her sth in advance.

Sigh... really if anyone suggested me going somewhere right now or just any time, I'd go. Like why not? Well as long as I find the experience interesting and worth trying or if I like the person, but again I'd not talk to the person if I don't like them.

So yeah Ig I also should talk about my feelings ppl into face, but it's not hard and I can totally do i,t but it's make me feel vulnerable. Ig it's fine like I realize it's ok to feel so sometimes. But somehow now I am scared(not rlly but) I might start crying, cuz my eyes are wet just from writing this hah.

Mdaa

The thing is, even if I tell them what I feel, will it change anything? And if it won't what's the point of talking about it. But it'd make me feel more relieved? Maybe

And maybe they'll just consider my feelings more. Maybe. But u know I kind of feel bad for myself that I spend more efforts into reaching out to ppl when they don't do it much. But cuz it feels like that to me doesn't mean they don't actually put effort. Oh man, there is so many things to consider. I don't wanna type all of them here. But u get my point I hope.

Really, I wish I could talk to u about many things. But for now I guess I should express my feelings to them. I wonder if I actually will.

[wonderalwaysland]

I wanna kiss and hug u so much...

:"(

;[

😭🙁☹😕😭

Silly me to fall in love with u(this is the line from the previous post and it's stuck in my head)

[wonderalwaysland]

U know what? I dislike that feeling of love for u. Because it's different from what I've felt before. And this love makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like that. I want to protect myself from this.

But that's what love for another person is like u are supposed to vulnerable and share ur thoughts and opinions, support each other and even hurt each other. It's unavoidable. I've been thinking about it and I came to a conclusion that I am afraid to be hurt and that makes me afraid to be vulnerable. I know I am open to talk about many things my feelings and thoughts included. But I rarely share sth that is really important to me. These are the thoughts and feelings I am afraid to be hurt the most about. And it includes u.

I do dislike these feelings u make me feel even tho we haven't met irl yet. I love u but I dislike that I do so. :(

I am a walking contradiction I guess.

So maybe it'll be tough with me. And it might take time for u to get here. And yeah I am stubborn sometimes. I am not sorry about that cuz it's what makes me me. And I'll take my time discovering u too, cuz u never know what a person hides deep inside. Yeah..

Actually I think my yesterday's thoughts on this subject were harsher. I am harsh sometimes, especially with words, so I guess I might hurt u sometimes, for that I am sorry actually. But u should express ur thoughts and feelings clearly too, I can't read ur mind, u know. So when u are hurt I hope u say so.

And if I am cruel sometimes I am sorry too. When I am hurt or sad or angry or Idk what else, I do tell harsh or cruel things. But not always and sometimes I just need to be alone to think everything over. But ig u figured that already if u are here.

♡♡♡actually I am a bit conflicted with these feelings but hopefully these hearts will make it less harsh♡

#Spotify

[wonderalwaysland]

U know, the phrase:"I believe in u" might be interpreted in two ways

1) I believe that u exist

2) I believe u can do it

In our case I think it means both

:)

[wonderalwaysland]

And u know why did I tell that I didn't expect to actually see a dream with u?

So as I've told before I was conflicted. But now I decided to stop sociaizing(except for my friends in insta and relatives) and connect with myself more. Actually I should have done it before. Yesterday I listened to some mantras actually they were relaxing, ig I should listen to some more next time. It helps to relax I've been feeling tense a bit these days. Maybe that's cuz of that guy. But I hope in this period of not talking to him he'll find sb more suitable for him or we'll just stop talking. I hope... or else I'l have to confront him or just ghost(but it's not right ik)

So yesterday I was drawing in sketch book after as it feels like quite a long time. Bit I were drawing in my notebooks at uni actually ahah. But still. And I had this song stuck in my head. I have listened to the original the other day and looked up lyrics under the mv, so I started understanding more words from the song hahah. The original song seems to be more hmmm cheerful? But this version was way more sad. I like it ♡

I finally remembered about Inktober(how could I foget?!l

And so then by the end of my drawing process, I've heard this song

Yeah and from the lyrics u can track my thought process to the dream about u (;

So I was thinking over this whole situation and I knew my true feelings and I also realized I haven't been living in the present moment(yeah it's difficult for me actually) so yeah now I reminded myself about it. I felt that I kinda lost myself.

I think u are like a lighthouse. U keep me reminding of who I am and what I actually like. So u make me improve myself, spurt my growth and inspire me in more ways than one(yeah I like that expression). I don't remember if I've told u yet, but I never expected that I might feel this way. Never thought(as far as I remember) that I'll meet my true love(ig I can call u that? And we haven't met yet actually, but our souls met so it's good too, right? Though it doesn't mean we are 100% sure about that, but tbh in more ways then one it feels like it's more true than the world around me,esp.considering that I daydream a lot haahha, but ig u get what I mean)

So I should not be distracted by other ppl (u know in what sense I mean and in my defense it should be said that I wasn't looking for romance just ppl to talk to and somehow it developed into this kind of internet dating lol it was a funny experience), especially if they make me doubt my life and some other things(it's not his fault ofc, we are just not suitable for each other that's it, I think he's a good fellow).

I wonder what kind of expression will u have while reading this :p I know it's not a laughing matter, but I bet u also dated some girls(I hope u did for some reason)irl actually, unlike me cuz I've never had a bf yet.

Okay, I gotta finish this now

I am riding a car with my godmum, ig u know about her my now. We are kind of having a trip, but she is actually diing her work. I think u resemble her a bit(tho I know u not yet)

P.s.I wanted to say cuz u were both born in September but it's not quite a good reason for such a description. But maybe one day when we meet, I'll understand that more.

#SoundCloud #Spotify

[wonderalwaysland]

Were u sad today or disappointed/devastated? I'm not sure u were but I felt that u might have been. And I assure it wasn't me who felt that. I won't be describing it in details here though

So, also this Soulmate song stuck in my head, precisely these lines:

"Soul mate, soul mate, soul mate

Won't you dance here with me while it grows late?" Or just this snippet's melody

And I think I am not sure about this tattoo thing, I already don't like that idea I had before, I mean idea is good but I don't wanna tattoo on my hand. So ig it's just not my thing probably. But I drew a hear ♡ and I bought this shirt I wanted this weekend I was lucky to buy it on sale uwu