alkeadora

[alkeadora]

fool's paradise

my therapist told me to write, all the beautiful things in life, but she didn't know quite, you're all I got in my life,

the air is tainted with miasmic, but you're the air that I fume, the water is polluted with toxic, but you're the water that I consume,

my therapist said our tale was done, a fresh chapter, a new one begun, but little did she know, on my own, tears penned new pages, each one undone,

they say you're a walking red flag, but baby I'm a goddamn colorblind, if you say "jump," I'd say, "how fucking high?" if you say "leave," I'd say, "I'd rather die,"

stupid me would lament, over you who could care less, stupid me would blame, over me who could do less,

how did I end up like this? which part of the mistake I did? when all I know is just loving, and all I get is just losing.

#poem #poetry #by alkeadora #personal

[alkeadora]

admirable april

drawing a line, setting a new goal, leaving the girlhood that he stole, declaring myself with a new soul, and completely having me as a whole,

one last step, I reached the peak, the icy cold wind slaps my cheek, one moment and it tried to speak, "darling, you're no longer the weak,"

six months of living in hell, day by day when I couldn't tell, would my life eventually be well, or would it end with a farewell,

those gray times come to color, and I woke up again to discover, saying, "goodbye to all the suffers, I'll be ready for this new summer,"

I'll bloom in with my own crown, that nobody can take it down, I'll dance all summer in my gown, with blissful people in the town.

#poem #poetry #by alkeadora #personal #2024 poetry challenge

[alkeadora]

de moi, à moi

this wholesome post is dedicated to myself because I love myself that much. feel free to read (or not).

hello there, my dear self,

congratulations on finally outliving your own birth date! I'm so proud of you. I can't believe that you made it to this day, because looking back, what happened these past few months has been very, very rough on you.

you have been through a lot, and when I say a lot, I really mean it. this is one of the milestones of your life that you have succeeded in passing. remember the last four months in 2023? yes, those "-ber" months were out of your mind, right? I can understand that. I understand how you first reacted to that, how anger got the best out of you, how you struggled to overcome it, how you barely saw something good in life to the point that being dead sounded way better than being alive, yeah it was horrible. I can still feel it even up until now.

but there's nothing more grateful than seeing how you've gotten it over, that you have made yourself this far. thank you for not giving up, for the never-ending hopes you've built, and for all the support you have received.

I'm glad that I can see you reaching the last stage of grief that you've been through, without losing yourself, in fact, you've gained more than you ever knew. I'm so happy for you. and with that, I'd like to remind you: you have me—yourself, the one who will never ever abandon you, the one who will always stay by your side, the one who will never stop supporting and loving you. thus, you can still do whatever you want, you can still reach whatever you dream, and you can still love whoever you please.

don't give your dream up. heads up, champ! let's do this together!

yours, h.a ♡

#personal #catatan #by alkeadora #for alkeadora

[alkeadora]

ghost in the town

my fine man, my lovely man, what deed did I do to deserve you? new pages, where everything began, drawing smiles so they won't be blue,

ice melts so that flowers bloom, his shadow disappears in the cave, is it love or rage that is in the room? in the darkness where the pain is grave,

and who's the one to blame? when I'm afraid of being on my own, who's the one to catch the flame, and to scare the ghost in the town?

#poem #poetry #short poem #personal #by alkeadora

[alkeadora]

muddled march

I wanted you to meet my cat, you presented me your mother.

I wanted to build my own home, you told me about diaspora lives.

I wanted to step on my steps in jeopardy, you saved me a safe seat in the back.

I've always thought that this is a getaway car, but I learned that you love risky trips.

so tell me again, canım, will it happen overnight? or will it be out of sight? your mind might be in the light, but mine is never right.

broken souls can't be healed with words, your lifeful laugh deserves the world, in an exquisite place that's reserved, doubtlessly not for the absurd.

confusion is the only guy I've known, from the first day you entered the zone, mixed feelings are what you've shown, was it you or me who is not fully grown?

but giving up isn't your forte, even as hurdles coming in the way, you repulse to back down, not a day, and I am lost again in obscurity of why to stay.

yet comes again the parody, and the vagueness in clarity.

people call me hana, but you prefer honey.

#poem #poetry #by alkeadora #personal #2024 poetry challenge

[alkeadora]

"it's a rainbow! so it's you." "so come here." "I'll see you in my dream," she said, "my rainbow."

[alkeadora]

to the man—whose birthday is today

if you could hear confusion, I can answer, that's me, if you could see hesitation, I will respond, that's me.

my skies were raining heavily, your presence hovers like a rainbow, to think that it was momentarily, it turns out that I just didn't know.

I'm a broken book with lost pages, but you pick up brand-new papers, trying to stitch up novel phases, convincing that a start is full of flavors.

trust is a ruined thing I know of a man, and tears have since been my best friend, my world shattered, not even my plan, my steps stopped, it all just ended.

you revealed a picturesque entity, pictured on the Maiden's Castle, sending some untouchable serenity, in my heart with an endless battle.

flying to Mersin, your homeland, visiting the old Mediterranean site, you would never let go of my hand, when you know I'm just a dark night.

#poem #poetry #short poem #by alkeadora

[alkeadora]

your legacy

there were lots of times we spent, there were many smiles we shared, I would call them nothing but present, that became part of me, declared.

from October to September, from the seashore to the station, from being a lover to getting him over, from a creation to a separation.

I cherish the goodness of them, hoping that laughs are what is left of you, but what happened is something I condemn, and I can't erase this part of me too.

my tears, my screams, my sleepless nights, my rages, my dullness, my jealousy, can't be burned down with the dead lights, and they, too, unfortunately, become your legacy.

#poem #poetry #short poem #personal #by alkeadora

[alkeadora]

the profound path

traveling to the other side of the world, costing an arm and a leg won't matter, with wide paths are now unfurled, their hands will stay intertwined altogether.

as the wheels land on the foreign ground, and the cold temperature slaps hard, the crescent moon flag is all around, as if it greeted with warm regards.

light steps are heard along the shops, making their way amidst the crowd, heartbeat skips, time merely stops, once their pairs of eyes are locked.

“you are real,” he whispers, she buries her face in his shoulder, “and so are you.”

#poem #poetry #short poem #by alkeadora

[alkeadora]

jumbled january

(this post should have been posted in january, but anyway)

commencing isn't what one is good at, though it's still happening like it or not, pages turned nothing is left or caught, it's a january greeting that's all fought.

should a start always be bright? what if one begins with fright? fighting for what is said is right, far, far away in the land of kites, not a single soul has peaceful nights.

in the land of green olive trees, people leaving homes with their keys, bewildered eyes with bleeding knees, greeted by nothing but cold freeze, but strong souls reflect the calming sea.

they whose parents were unlived, facing the world as a little child, know nothing but to survive, life teaches so they will be revived, to live in the soil they strived.

may their steps be at ease, running down the shore as they please, bowing down to earth with peace, smiles welcomed by an evening breeze, to finally say, "alhamdulillah, we are free."

--

fn: I dedicated this post to the people of palestine, for their steadfastness, patience, and resistance. I hope someday you live with freedom, dignity, and equal rights in your own homeland that's still being stolen. from the river to the sea, palestine will be free!

#poem #poetry #by alkeadora #free palestine #2024 poetry challenge

[alkeadora]

foolish february

hunting down the four-month death, for something worth nothing but tears, supposed to be walking down the path, yet I climbed on the deadly stairs.

once again?

what to feel safe? how to feel safe? is it serenity in me or in the room? in this small city, similar to a cave, I die one more time in my own tomb.

asking myself why nothing stopped me, slipped away in front of my eyes, asking myself why foolishness got the best of me, pretending to recolor my dark skies.

he whose presence brings streams to her orbs, nonchalantly walks in with confidence, opening all the broken rusted doors, who is the fool when it comes to tolerance?

shouldn't have done it, realized it too late, when it was crystal clear, and she's the fool to blame,

she lost herself in her own universe, after tasting his soft, full-of-lies lips.

#poem #poetry #by alkeadora #personal #2024 poetry challenge

[alkeadora]

not that kind of “october post”

scrolling through my old precious posts, recalling how those fingers dancing blithesomely, telling stories through words, about everything occurred in her sweet little life, did this naive, stupid woman know?

“hello, hana,” the voice of 25-year-old me says, “you were such a lovely young woman with a pure heart. wouldn't it be sad if I let you down?”

she would stop typing, blinking as if nothing would let her down, in her small world, it was only happiness, what sort of heinous thing would do that? she probably thought that.

“how much do you love october?” I asked.

“as much as I love myself,” she said blissfully, showing scribbles of the list she called dreams. “october is the best month of the year, better than april, my birth month!”

I smiled. I swear, God as my witness, I can't break her innocent smile. a smile with hopes and wishes.

“maybe you should start loving april more than october.”

“eh? why?”

I don't have the heart to answer to that. she's so genuine, a simple-hearted one with bright future she just made herself.

“you should give yourself more than you do to others.”

“I already did that, though.”

“you didn't.”

“how do you know?” she sounded annoyed, thinking that I might just become that nasty person with negativity (in which drained her energy).

“because one day, you will realize that it is only april who is able to save you,” I stopped for a while. “not october, let alone may...”

she didn't respond, possibly processing what that meant. nothing that came out of my mouth made sense in which I totally understand.

“but don't you worry,” I continued. “one day, also, you will become you again, but stronger.”

she looked irritated in confusion, though, I could see that there were tears in her eyes as soon as she realized, that I am her in october 2023.

#personal #poem #poetry

[alkeadora]

just a picture of ladies posing to have the most asymmetrical photo I've ever seen.

#personal

[alkeadora]

Watching these Netflix movies and docuseries in a row gave me such complicated feelings. I learned a lot, and I'm not going to put any sympathy for the criminals involved. They're monsters and will always be. But there's more than just horrendous events.

Society hasn't gotten much better in the last 30 years. This Dahmer case took place in the 1990s but the issues somewhat felt recent and near. Police brutality, racism, and hatred towards certain parts of society still happen in modern culture. It just felt as if it happened last year which is terrifying to think about, leading to a question: at which point would we evolve to get better in the future?

The human brain is incredibly fascinating. How this small part of our body makes who we are, our behavior, the way we see/think about the world, the way we move our body, and everything. It is said in the docuseries (Inside the Criminal Mind) that a little damage might lead to a tremendous change for the person. We never know what could have possibly happened to Dahmer's brain as it was never examined after his death. I think it would've been interesting if we tried to find out what made him become what he was.

My personal opinion about the movie: it's a hecking roller coaster on Jurassic park. It plays my emotions many times; how horrid the victims experienced throughout the movie, how the victims' families never gave up on finding their missing son/brother, and how a father struggled to cope with his son's path in life. Everything was blended well; the anger, the fear, the horror, the panic, the loss. Each scene gave uneasy/worrisome vibes, making the viewers feel extremely uncomfortable. We got to see more stories about the victims which usually are forgotten. Hollywood, or people in general, tend to glorify the criminals but not the victims. you name them: Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, and other sick-minded people I'm not going to mention. The victims were human beings too, they had dreams too, and they had souls and lives too. Lives that were taken in the hand of massive ill twisted murderers for their own selfish needs.

All in all, it's a great show. I'd recommend you to watch this movie if you're interested in knowing not only about Dahmer and his gruesome crimes, but also about the victims' feelings, the family issues, and the failed system in American history.

p/s. Evan Peters did fantastic in portraying Dahmer, must have been a really challenging thing to do. Props to him!

#movie review

[alkeadora]

a random thought

This is one of the best episodes from the Duolingo podcast. It breaks my heart to know that despite how glamorous, prestigious, and expensive French fashion is, the nation seems to have forgotten what has been fought for over a hundred years, freedom.

It's sad to know that the french authorities have their own way of taking away refugees seeking help. With the hope of getting a better life in France, these refugees end up dying. In the name of humanity, Cedric Herrou, a Frenchman living on a French border with Italy, tries to help these people.

He got arrested multiple times, even facing the court against the nation, which is ironic since the Republic's famous moto is liberté, égalité, fraternité. Thanks to the humanity activists and community, He won the court in the end, as he should have. He didn't deserve to get arrested, anyway.

This issue makes me realize one thing (or two); this world faces many social/political conflicts. Wars, persecution, and power abuse. But to lighten up, some kind-hearted individuals are against them. Humanity is not dead, even though the world is an ugly place for people to live.

I personally hope the world will have a better future. We've already been facing environmental issues such as global warming, so let's not make it worse by always being kind to others.

---

Hello, guess who's come back with such an interesting random thought? Yes, it's me. It's October 2022 today, I hope everything is as fine as it should be.

#personal #thoughts

[alkeadora]

It's been more than a year. I hope everyone still manages to stay alive.

[alkeadora]

currently in love with these Azeri-Russian twins! also, I personally want to brighten my page since it’s a little bit dusty.

#rauf faik