askanaroace

[askanaroace]

For my hodgepodge approach to Aro Week this year, I’m sharing the free digital book edition of last year’s (long) short story, The Girl and Her Unicorn:

Ponder Sheafed can’t stop asking questions. Ze isn’t the girl others presume hir to be. Ze won’t become a wife or let a wedding’s absence stopper hir lust. Ze isn’t good, so maintaining hir kinsfolk’s high regard demands a complicated dance of stealth, secrecy and untruth. Ponder does, however, own some ability in deception … so when tragedy befalls hir family, how does ze explain that–despite all appearance to the contrary–ze can’t trade hir life’s service for a unicorn’s magic?

Only virtuous maidens may enter the forest to seek a creature as pure as a unicorn. Returning home empty-handed avoids provoking Father’s rage by confessing unacceptable truths, so what options has ze other than embarking upon a farcical quest for hir family’s salvation … and dreading the failure to come? No unicorn can ever grace an unrepentant liar!

Ponder isn’t good. But neither, ze discovers, is the unicorn.

Contains: A genderless, non-partnering allo-aro who speaks lies to live hir truth in a village that prizes a girl’s goodness above all else … and a unicorn whose duty to humans has been wildly misrepresented.

Links: PDF (read in browser) | Patreon | WordPress

PDF, EPUB and MOBI editions are available for download from Patreon.

Length: 8, 340 words / 34 PDF pages.

The Girl and Her Unicorn is a stand-alone, fairy-tale-ish story set in the Nine Laws universe about amatonormativity, misogyny, family and transformation.

(It’s also readable on Tumblr in parts one, two and three.)

Image description beneath keep reading:

Keep reading

[askanaroace]

shoutout to aplatonic people with npd.

shoutout to aplatonic people with aspd.

shoutout to aplatonic people with a dissociative disorder (not just didosdd)

shoutout to aplatonic people with psychosis or a schizospec disorder.

shoutout to aplatonic people who are low empathy/no empathy

shoutout to aplatonic people with avpd

shoutout to aplatonic people with ppd

shoutout to aplatonic people who are alloaro or alloace

shoutout to all aplatonic people, we're really cool ^_^

[askanaroace]

Happy lesbian visibility week to aromantic lesbians! Y’all are cool as fuck.

Shoutout to allosexual aromantic lesbians! Your sexual attraction to women is beautiful and normal, and you aren’t bad or predatory for feeling that attraction, regardless of whether it’s accompanied by romantic attraction. Shoutout to aro lesbians who feel some romantic attraction! Your romantic attraction is just as lovely and as real as anyone else’s, even if you may experience yours differently or less often than an alloromantic person would. Shoutout to aroace lesbians. Whether your attraction to women is romantic, sexual, or something else that doesn’t fit neatly into either category, you are no less aroace for being a lesbian, and you are no less of a lesbian for being aroace.

Shoutout to aromantic lesbians who are relationship anarchists, aromantic lesbians who are nonpartnering or polyamorous, aromantic lesbians who are married, aromantic lesbians who have a zucchini/QPP or a foveo/FWB, and aromantic lesbians in soft romo relationships or waverships.

Y’all’re so wonderful, and I hope you have a splendid week!

[askanaroace]

also, i think some people have the idea in their head that being aroallo places us closer to amatonormativity, because of our allosexuality? and like, no, not at all. in my experience, people assume you are hypersexual and/or predatory, just for being the way you are. and it’s even worse if you’re someone who’s identity make it so they’re already hypersexualised (bisexuals, black people, latinas, women (especially trans women), sex workers, ect.) or viewed as predatory (men, people with npd, bpd or skizo-spec, gay men, masc lesbians, trans people as a whole, black men, fat people, ect.)

like im not saying aroaces and alloaces don’t get shit, y’all get the other side of the coin, the infantilization treatement, but no, we are not more palatable to amatonormativity in the slightest.

(btw hypersexuality is not bad, im just saying you’re not treated well in society if you’re seen that way)

[askanaroace]

You don't have to have sex if you don't want to

Sex isn't necessary for a happy and healthy life - whether you're in a relationship or not. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. You can just... Not have sex.

Please never feel pressured to have sex like I have, in order to feel "normal". You are normal. Asexuality is normal. People who don't want sex who aren't asexual are normal (and, asexual people who do have and want sex, are also normal).

If you try sex and think "eh that was okay but I could do much more with my time", that's absolutely fine. You don't have to have it ever again if you don't want to. If you prefer thinking about sex than actually having sex, that's also fine (I'm guilty of this). If you want absolutely nothing to do with sex whatsoever, guess what? That's fine!

You don't have to be sexually active to be a valid person, even if you were previously. You can just not have sex. It's okay. I promise 💜

[askanaroace]

It feels impossible sometimes to talk about your experiences as an asexual person without getting lumped in with purity culture because it’s somehow simultaneously true that society hates sex and puts sex everywhere so both people who want to express their sexuality and people who don’t want to participate in it end up having knee-jerk reactions to each other because we’ve all built up defense mechanisms ready to trigger at a moments notice so you try to talk about how sex and romance is everywhere and inescapable and you don’t wanna be involved with it and then people blame you for the kink at pride discourse when you weren’t even thinking about that

[askanaroace]

I suspect that it may be a common Asexual experience but when I imagine something as "sexy", I imagine something that makes your heart beat fast, that gives you goosebumps, that captures all your focus and puts a hitch in your breath and an odd tingle on the back of your neck, that is exciting and enjoyable to think about.

By extension, things that I believe are "sexy" include:

Office supply outlets

Hardware stores

Antique sewing machines in working order

Really good gel pens

People in eyeliner

Baroque art

Textile warehouses

Administrative filing systems

#humor #asexual #ace things #ace #ace spectrum

[askanaroace]

Hello there, I recently realized that I might be asexual but I'm not sure. This discovery came from watching a video describing what sexual attraction is and realizing that I've NEVER felt that towards anyone. I'm actually confused because I do find people attractive, but I've never looked at someone and thought about having sex with them. I'm also confused because quite frankly I do still get horny and masturbate daily, but it's never because of someone. I'm just horny like how people get hungry, it's something that happens regardless of anything. I also realized that despite having crushes on people I've never even thought about kissing them, usually I just desire to be near them and don't want them to date anyone else. I don't know what this means, especially since I've never kissed or had sex with anyone either. Honestly, when I think about sex I'm not repulsed or anything, I'm just curious what the big deal is, and why people complain when they aren't having it? I never understood why people have to go out and have sex with random people instead of just handle it themselves. I'm not sure if that's an asexual thing or what. Thanks for reading!

You can be asexual and still have a sex drive. If you only ever experience undirected horniness, this might describe you.

The basic breakdown is thus:

Sex drive/libido - desire for sexual activity in general (could be sex and/or masturbation; could even be a desire for activity with the idea of a partner...but an unspecified even faceless partner) Sexual attraction - desire for sexual activity directed at a specific person in particular

With asexual just meaning low or no sexual attraction (including sexual attraction only in specific circumstances), though people can find the term helpful beyond even that, such as identifying as asexual if they are generally disinterested in sex even though they experience sexual attraction.

Beyond that, feelings towards sex exist on a scale - for both allose and ace people! Feelings towards sex can range towards completely repulsed, averse, indifferent, favorable, wanting, some combo of those and/or a fluid action between those. They can also exist at different intensities! You can be asexual and still enjoy/desire sex (with or without a sex drive). You can be allosexual and never want to have sex.

There can also be a range of "in between" experiences here, such as finding folks sexually attractive but lacking the actual motivation/desire to act on it. This is a great piece that talks about such experiences much better than I could.

But at the end of the day what makes someone asexual is them finding use in/wanting to use the asexual label. Do you want to ID as asexual? At least to try it? Would it help you communicate your feelings to others? Would it help you to connect to a community of people of similar experiences? If you answered yes or even just maybe to any one of those, then you could certainly be asexual! Judging by the fact that you have a hard time relating to your peers and their desire to have sex and not just masturbate, it certainly sounds like trying out the label asexual may be something you find helpful or illuminating.

You may also find it useful to know about aesthetic attraction, which is finding people attractive without the sexual component. There are lots of different types of "tertiary" (or "not romantic or sexual") attractions the aspec community in particular has been talking about and describing. Such as attracted to someone in a friendship way or attracted to someone in an intimate way that is neither platonic nor romantic or sensual attraction where you want to be physically but non-sexually intimate with someone (cuddling, hugging, hand holding, massaging, etc.).

Finally, there is something you might already know about called the Split-Attraction Model, which is a useful concept for many that describes how sexual and romantic attraction are not aligned. So, for many people, if they identify, for example, as "heterosexual" that means they are both romantically and sexually attracted to a different gender. And the typical experience is that they may experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction but they pretty much never experience romantic attraction without accompanying sexual attraction. Whereas for folk who identify within the SAM, our sexual and romantic attractions may be different from each other, such as "biromantic asexual", "aromantic gay", or "heteroromantic bisexual". So, the first means that person is romantically attracted to multiple genders but sexually attracted to none. The second means the person is romantically attracted to no genders but sexually attracted to the same gender. And the last would mean someone is romantically attracted to a different gender but sexually attracted to multiple genders.

What I'm leading to is that you could be asexual but still experience romantic attraction, thus explaining your crushes where you want to be committed to another person but aren't particularly interested in sex with them.

Hope this helps! Please feel free to send any follow up questions you might have.

x

[askanaroace]

Reminder about the AroAce Database! https://www.aroacedatabase.com/results?search=aromantic Unfortunately, there's not an aroace tag, but you'll run into plenty of aroace characters under a basic aromantic search. Market of Monsters is a dark YA with morally gray protags. Doesn't use the terms aro/ace but aromantic and probably ace spec characters. The Threads That Bind have explicitly aspec characters, plus queerplatonic relationships, and an emphasis on relationships in general beyond just romantic. Fantasy that focuses on plot and character development. Common Bonds - an aromantic anthology exploring different types of aromantic relationships.

Can someone give me aroace (or just aro or just ace) book recommendations please? Because I have only read loveless and while I absolutely love that book (pun intended),especially because it made me realise I was aroace, I want to read more.

[askanaroace]

Let’s talk about what demisexuality is not.

First off: what is demisexuality? We have to establish what it is to talk about what it isn’t.

‘demisexuality’ describes not experiencing sexual attraction until a close bond is formed. This doesn’t mean demis are attracted to everyone we bond with, and we can have differing desires towards sex. Demisexuals may or may not be demiromantic — they’re not one and the same.

While demisexuals can also be demiromantic, this isn’t true as a rule. Just like being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic. It’s possible to be both, nothing wrong with that — but they’re not inherently synonymous.

*For some people who are aroace, include demi aroaces, their sexual and romantic orientations are deeply intertwined and there isn’t a big difference between the two. Other people use the split attraction model, which recognizes a difference in sexual and romantic orientations.

Many people think that “everyone is demisexual” because they read the definition and say “oh, that’s just being normal”. They’re confusing not experiencing sexual at ALL with waiting until a relationship is serious to have sex.

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. The thing people confuse it with is a decision regarding sexual behavior that can be made regardless of orientation— the decision to wait to have sex until you’re emotionally close. That decision can be made by anyone, demisexual or not.

Often people read the definition and say “I’m demisexual, I wait to have sex until it’s not just sex. I want emotional fulfillment too.” When it’s explained that demisexuals rarely have sexual attraction and only under certain conditions does it occur, one of two things happens:

they misunderstand and assume that demisexuals are also experiencing sexual attraction without the bond and just not acting on it, or

they begin to understand that there’s a difference between sexual attraction and action.

More often than not it’s the former.

It’s interesting that this misunderstanding happens when demisexuality is described because allosexuals (people who aren’t ace) abstain from sex all the time but still feel sexual attraction. There’s this underlying assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction.

But… just imagine that feeling of not being attracted and expand it. It’s doubtful that you experience sexual attraction to every person you see is physically attractive. Just expand that and there you go. Or imagine it like not seeing a particular color until you suddenly can.

Demisexuals aren’t all cisgender and heteroromantic. But there’s nothing wrong with demis who are! If ace isn’t enough for you to respect someone is LGBTQIA+, you don’t understand or accept asexuality or the orientations under its spectrum.

Demisexuality is NOT “just being a woman”. Demisexuality also isn’t “the patriarchy convinced young girls not having casual sex was a sexuality”.

There’s so much wrong with both of these, and they tie together, so I put them together here. Not only does this thinking see cis women and feminine people as being inherently “more” asexual, it robs allos and aces alike of bodily autonomy towards sex and sexuality. It bleeds out from conservative Christianity — it’s the same ideas that lead us to abstinence only sex “education” and that women must be sexually available at all times or their husband will cheat to “get his needs met”. Saying that cis women & feminine people are just all demisexual or ace removes the bodily autonomy of those who want sex and those who don’t by assigning a culturally acceptable narrative as more important than lived experience. But sexuality isn’t limited by cisheterosexism.

The truth is there are still a lot of people learning they’re under the asexual umbrella as educators and advocacy groups get education out there, and even in queer spaces asexuality isn’t always accepted, let alone its spectrum. A lot of people don’t even know it’s an option!

In addition, and partially because of, tropes like this, asexuality and everything under it are considered more “feminine”. Sex is seen as a symbol of status and depending on your gender and presentation, that status gets lowered or raised depending on the number of partners had.

Cis men and masculine aces exist, and also have to contend with cultural pressures to “perform” sexually, whether they want to or not. Erasing these experiences doesn’t help further acceptance towards asexuality or just sexuality in general.

And! Cis women and feminine people can have and enjoy casual sex! Others don’t but still experience sexual attraction regularly. Being allosexual isn’t limited to the masculine. Libido can also exist without sexual attraction. Human sexuality is just not as narrow as you think.

That’s where I’ll leave this one. Remember, it’s okay to be demisexual. It’s not okay to dunk on a group of people you didn’t bother to try to understand. Keep an open mind. There’s room at the table for learning, not bigotry.

#demisexual #ace spectrum #ace #asexual

[askanaroace]

I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.

Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.

Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.

I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.

#amatonormativity #relationships

[askanaroace]

Hello there, I recently realized that I might be asexual but I'm not sure. This discovery came from watching a video describing what sexual attraction is and realizing that I've NEVER felt that towards anyone. I'm actually confused because I do find people attractive, but I've never looked at someone and thought about having sex with them. I'm also confused because quite frankly I do still get horny and masturbate daily, but it's never because of someone. I'm just horny like how people get hungry, it's something that happens regardless of anything. I also realized that despite having crushes on people I've never even thought about kissing them, usually I just desire to be near them and don't want them to date anyone else. I don't know what this means, especially since I've never kissed or had sex with anyone either. Honestly, when I think about sex I'm not repulsed or anything, I'm just curious what the big deal is, and why people complain when they aren't having it? I never understood why people have to go out and have sex with random people instead of just handle it themselves. I'm not sure if that's an asexual thing or what. Thanks for reading!

You can be asexual and still have a sex drive. If you only ever experience undirected horniness, this might describe you.

The basic breakdown is thus:

Sex drive/libido - desire for sexual activity in general (could be sex and/or masturbation; could even be a desire for activity with the idea of a partner...but an unspecified even faceless partner) Sexual attraction - desire for sexual activity directed at a specific person in particular

With asexual just meaning low or no sexual attraction (including sexual attraction only in specific circumstances), though people can find the term helpful beyond even that, such as identifying as asexual if they are generally disinterested in sex even though they experience sexual attraction.

Beyond that, feelings towards sex exist on a scale - for both allose and ace people! Feelings towards sex can range towards completely repulsed, averse, indifferent, favorable, wanting, some combo of those and/or a fluid action between those. They can also exist at different intensities! You can be asexual and still enjoy/desire sex (with or without a sex drive). You can be allosexual and never want to have sex.

There can also be a range of "in between" experiences here, such as finding folks sexually attractive but lacking the actual motivation/desire to act on it. This is a great piece that talks about such experiences much better than I could.

But at the end of the day what makes someone asexual is them finding use in/wanting to use the asexual label. Do you want to ID as asexual? At least to try it? Would it help you communicate your feelings to others? Would it help you to connect to a community of people of similar experiences? If you answered yes or even just maybe to any one of those, then you could certainly be asexual! Judging by the fact that you have a hard time relating to your peers and their desire to have sex and not just masturbate, it certainly sounds like trying out the label asexual may be something you find helpful or illuminating.

You may also find it useful to know about aesthetic attraction, which is finding people attractive without the sexual component. There are lots of different types of "tertiary" (or "not romantic or sexual") attractions the aspec community in particular has been talking about and describing. Such as attracted to someone in a friendship way or attracted to someone in an intimate way that is neither platonic nor romantic or sensual attraction where you want to be physically but non-sexually intimate with someone (cuddling, hugging, hand holding, massaging, etc.).

Finally, there is something you might already know about called the Split-Attraction Model, which is a useful concept for many that describes how sexual and romantic attraction are not aligned. So, for many people, if they identify, for example, as "heterosexual" that means they are both romantically and sexually attracted to a different gender. And the typical experience is that they may experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction but they pretty much never experience romantic attraction without accompanying sexual attraction. Whereas for folk who identify within the SAM, our sexual and romantic attractions may be different from each other, such as "biromantic asexual", "aromantic gay", or "heteroromantic bisexual". So, the first means that person is romantically attracted to multiple genders but sexually attracted to none. The second means the person is romantically attracted to no genders but sexually attracted to the same gender. And the last would mean someone is romantically attracted to a different gender but sexually attracted to multiple genders.

What I'm leading to is that you could be asexual but still experience romantic attraction, thus explaining your crushes where you want to be committed to another person but aren't particularly interested in sex with them.

Hope this helps! Please feel free to send any follow up questions you might have.

x

#asexual #libido #sex drive #masturbation #ace #ace spectrum #ask #anonymous #aesthetic attraction #split attraction model

[askanaroace]

Is there anything like Bellussexual, but like, fine with having a sexual relationship?

Like cupiosexual? You could combine the two (cupio-bellussexual) if the aesthetic part of it is important to you.

x

#ask #labels #microlabels #asexual #ace spectrum #anonymous

[askanaroace]

Friendly reminder that LGBTQ+, Queer, and LGBT+ are the preferred terms for the community (x).

Friendly reminder that Queer is approved by 72.9% of the people, and the groups who don’t prefer it’s use as an umbrella term are straight people, exclusionists, transmeds, truscums, sex-negative people, and sex work critical people (x).

Friendly reminder that aros and aces are excluded only 9.2% / 8.1% of the time respectively while being included  78.9% / 81.2% of the time (x)

Friendly reminder that exclusionists are in the minority and aro/ace people are included in the LGBTQ+ community by the people within the community.

[askanaroace]

2024 reads / storygraph

Lord of the Empty Isles

sci-fi/fantasy

set on a supposedly utopian planet recovering from a climate crisis, where bonds between people are able to be seen and manipulated (by some people)

follows a young man whose brother was cursed and killed by an infamous outlaw 5 years ago, and he’s finally able to curse him back - but it rebounds, as he’s somehow fatebound to the outlaw

to find a cure and save them both they have to team up, and he quickly finds out that the resources the outlaw is stealing go to the thousands of people neglected on prison planets, and he has to go against what he thought was right to help them

no romance, aroace MC, focus on platonic relationships

arc from netgalley, out june 6

[askanaroace]

occasionally there will be a queer person whose way of living their queerness is in conflict with our expectations and definitions for their label

at those times, we remember that queerness is not about the labels, or the definitions, or the rules of expected behaviour, but about living authentically to the crooked strangeness of our human conditions

[askanaroace]

Aspec men deserve much more respect and recognition in the aspec community than they receive. They often face a different form of aphobia specific to them ("men are naturally sexual they can't be ace" "all men are unromantic that's not unique") this rhetoric is spouted by many, even members of our own community and I hope for a day where that is no longer the case. As an ace and demiro woman (demigirl but that's beside the point) I want to encourage folks to take the time to give the aspec men in their lives support and to the aspec men reading, you are who you say you are no matter what people say and you deserve the world. I'm sorry for the ways in which toxic masculinity has harmed you. You are a valued member of the aspec community and the queer community as a whole. No ace or aro person is broken and neither are you. I'm sorry if anyone has ever told you otherwise.