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azilastuff · 2 years

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Perjalanan Jauh dan Misi Membuktikan Cinta

Sepertinya dalam beberapa waktu belakangan ini, aku banyak menuliskan seputar perjalanan. Main lagi, pergi lagi, ke mana lagi. Tentu saja aku tidak melakukannya tanpa sebab, bisa pergi sejauh itu artinya memang ada sesuatu yang sangat penting untuk aku tuju. Bagaimana pun, aku harap ini bukan yang terakhir.

Agustus ini, setidaknya aku pergi ke 3 lokasi: Indramayu, Jatinangor, dan Cianjur. Ketiganya aku laju dengan mengendarai motor sendiri. Maklum, ya, terhalang kondisi finansial. Sisanya, karena penasaran dan merasa mampu untuk pergi.

✨ 07/08/2022, 5 a.m ke Indramayu.

Perjalanan yang satu ini cukup challenging bukan karena aku belum pernah ke Indramayu, tetapi karena start dari lokasi KKN di mana dua malam sebelumnya tidak cukup tidur akibat persiapan dan acara diseminasi kegiatan KKN di balai desa. Pukul 4 a.m sudah harus bangun padahal baru tidur pukul 2 a.m.

Mau ke mana, nih?

Salah satu teman dekatku menikah, yeay. Akadnya pukul 9 a.m, sedangkan aku harus menempuh 3 jam perjalanan untuk sampai ke lokasi. Belum harus mampir ke kos dulu karena ada sesuatu yang perlu diambil.

Ini termasuk perjalanan yang mudah. Soalnya masih pagi, kondisi jalannya familiar, aspalnya bagus, dan aku sedang sehat. Alhamdulillah. Dress code aku adalah gamis biru dan kerudung hitam.

Pernikahan yang aku penuhi haknya, walimahnya dijalankan dengan syar’i:

tempat duduk tamu perempuan dan laki-laki dipisah, tidak ada panggung atau lagu-lagu dangdut, pengantin perempuan tidak ditampilkan ke hadapan tamu laki-laki, foto-foto bersama pengantin juga sesuai dengan gendernya, dan ada hijab yang menutup tamu laki-laki perempuan.

There’s something I learn here. Sebagai orang yang melihat banyak temannya sudah menikah, aku harus menerima kenyataan bahwa ya inilah hidup. What inside our brains and lives won’t be the same anymore. Their universes are changing. Mine stays—terus menggembung tetapi semakin kosong dan sepi.

Good thing, aku bersyukur pada Allah telah memberikan teman-temanku teman hidup yang baik—dan aku berdoa semoga selalu baik☺️🫰✨

✨ 11/08/2022, 6 a.m ke Jatinangor.

Dua malam sebelumnya, aku dikabari oleh teman dekat semasa SMA bahwa dia akhirnya sidang akhir skripsi. Tentu saja aku senang sekali karena sejak masuk bulan ke delapan ini, aku menantikan teman terakhir seangkatanku menyelesaikan kuliahnya. Because it’s her special day, suddenly I thought about how to make it more special.

I asked her, may I visit you? She said, yes. She’s glad to have me.

Aku mengecek gmaps, ada rute jalan yang ingin aku coba untuk bisa sampai ke Jatinangor (Bandung sih lebih tepatnya), yaitu melalui jalur selatan. Karena banyak orang termasuk aku, khawatir di Cadas Pangeran yang berkelok dan berjurang itu. Apalagi kendaraannya ramai dan besar.

Jadi, kemarin bisa tiba mampir ke Departemen Matematika Unpad lewat Cikijing—Garut—Nagreg—Cilenyi—Jatinangor. Aspalnya mulus, sebelum tiba di Cilenyi jalanannya lowong, dan hanya habis biaya bensin sebesar 16rb.

Ketika bertemu dengan temanku itu, lega banget. Satu misi telah selesai lagi tahun ini. Melihatnya penuh energi dan tidak ragu melakukan physical touch ke aku yang mudah waswas, semacam ada daya yang menaikkan baterai aku. Lapar saja sih, sudah siang dan aku belum sempat sarapan soalnya 😆

Akhirnya kami makan siang di Jatos, aku pesan capcay ayam—dia pesan steak. Alhamdulillah, aku ditraktir minuman dari gerai kesukaannya dan aku seperti biasa memilih jenis varian mangga. Enak banget, ya Allah, pengen lagi.

Dia cerita, sidangnya hanya berlangsung selama 33 menit. Komentar dosennya juga bikin hati senang karena temanku mampu menjalankan sidangnya dengan baik. Masyaa Allah, berkah-berkah ya, teman. Ditunggu kabar-kabar lainnya ✨

Kami sempat vidcall dengan teman semasa SMA kami juga yang tinggal di Bandung, tapi sayang aku belum sempat ketemu karena waktunya belum tepat. Dulunya ini adalah teman satu meja di sekolah—sabar banget orangnya karena bagiku dia yang ekstrover hebat bisa betah sama aku yang introver. Semoga ada rezeki ke Bandung lagi!

✨ 11/08/2022, 3.30 p.m, ke Cianjur.

Di tengah makan siang itu, aku mengabari teman dekatku yang lain kalau dari gmaps hanya tinggal 3 jam lagi untuk tiba ke Cianjur—dan aku bertekad ke sana, juga sudah bekal satu set baju ganti. Alhamdulillah bahwa dia juga hari ini pulang dari kerjanya dan besok + lusa adalah jadwal liburnya.

Karena sama-sama jauh jika memilih pulang, ya sudah aku memilih lanjut pergi. Bismillah.

Lalu dihantam macetnya Bandung dan Cimahi. Masyaa Allah. Haha 😭 betulan habis 2 jam merayap doang, ya Rabb. Sehat-sehat deh orang Bandung dan Cimahi, ya. Kalian kuat plus keren :’)

Perjalanan ke Cianjur itu sebenarnya lebih aman kalau menurut pandangan aku ya, soalnya jalanannya tidak sepi, jika dibandingkan ke Jatinangor tadi. Cuma karena sudah keburu malam, aku jadi ngga bisa memerhatikan kiri kanan. Makanya terasa seperti kosong selain jalan raya.

Pukul 20.30 tiba di rumah temanku juga akhirnya, dan rumahnya homie banget, ya Allah. Kala itu terjawab sudah kenapa pernah kudengar suara jam dinding yang tiap 15 menit sekali bunyi seperti di rumah mbahku—ya karena rumahnya ternyata begitu (susah aku menjelaskannya).

Alert, dinginnya minta ampun. Aku sampai ngga bisa membedakan, badanku ini kaku karena kedinginan atau karena kelelahan, haha.

Ada rasa terharu yang dalam aku sampai di rumahnya. Dia masih ngga percaya aku ke Jatinangor naik motor, aku juga tidak percaya tiba-tiba saja aku ada di kamarnya. Kukira setelah ketemu di pernikahan teman Indramayu yang kuceritakan tadi, akan ada jeda lama untuk kami ketemu lagi. Ternyata hanya selang 4 hari saja. Makasih ya Allah ✨

✨ 12/08/2022, ke Kebon Raya Cibodas–Cianjur.

Sholat subuh di Cianjur itu pahalanya bisa double ngga sih? Dingin banget soalnya buat ambil wudhu. Kan, perjuangan banget, tuh, hehe. Meskipun bangun sepagi itu, kami baru keluar rumah sekitar pukul 10 a.m. Kena matahari itu rasanya nikmat sekali. Hangat. Berbekal tahu krispi, gorengan, dan cincau panda, kami naik angkot untuk tiba di Cibodas.

Satu hal yang muncul di benak aku saat tiba di Kebon Raya: sangat Indonesia sekali. Bagus, hijau, lapang, sepi, dingin, nyaman, berpohon. Yang berkesan untuk aku adalah saat aku bisa rebahan di rumput. Enak banget. Badan aku yang sudah bobrok karena safar ini membutuhkannya 🥹

Ada perasaan bersalah sih karena aku merasa agak ngga sehat, jadi mudah lelah. Makanya ngga bisa maksimal eksplor sana sini. Bahkan saat melewati rumah kaca ketika keliling dengan shuttle bus juga, aku—kami tidak turun saking aku sudah terlanjur tidak tertarik karena low battery.

But, the fact that we spent time together there is priceless for me. We talked a lot. She took care of my well being. We discussed that specific thing about anime. Makan gorengan, molennya enak. Bersyukur bersama karena tidak nekad ke gate 2. Ended up walking beneath the rain under the umbrella ☔️

✨ 13/08/2022, 8 a.m, kembali ke kos.

Perjalanan pulang ini kalau dilihat di gmaps, membutuhkan waktu sekitar 6,5 jam. Berbekal pengalaman pergi, ada dua jalur yang harus aku hindari:

(1) Bandung ke arah Pasteur dan Gedung Sate—dihindari agar tidak kena macet, dan (2) Panawangan, Ciamis—dihindari karena mengelilingi satu gunung yang tidak perlu.

Aku pamit pada temanku dan mamanya. Rasanya berat, tapi harus kuat. Raga aku sudah minta menyerah untuk seharian di jalan sebenarnya, namun 3 hari 2 malam safar ini sudah kebih dari cukup. Harus kembali ke mundane life lagi.

Daaan, seru banget bisa melalui Jln. Soekarno Hatta melewati Bandung. Lancar. Alhamdulillah. Sangat tertolong sekali.

Jadi, dhuhur itu sudah selesai setengah perjalanan. Istirahat kedua kali sebentar di SPBU. Kemudian lanjut lagi setelah isi bensin dan perut. Mendekati Cikijing juga akhirnya aku bisa peka untuk belok ke jalan potong. Meskipun topografinya tidak sesantai Panawangan—harus stay di gigi 2.

Alhamdulillah, tiba di kosan sekitar pukul 4.30 p.m, lengkap dengan makan sore. Tak lupa kukabari lagi temanku bahwa aku sudah sampai.

✨ Things You May Learn, Readers.

🍟 Meskipun aku bisa melakukan perjalanan motor sendirian seperti itu, aku tidak akan merekomendasikannya untuk perjalanan > 3 jam dan baru pertama kali. Keuntungannya memang murah di biaya, aku hanya menghabiskan 60rb untuk bensin saja. Tapi harga lainnya yang dibayar adalah stamina. Kecuali kamu terbiasa mudik segila tahun lalu pasca pandemi naik motor, silakan saja.

Catatan: aku tidak mengidap magh, asma, alergi, vertigo, darah rendah, dsb. Bagi yang punya, lebih baik tidak pergi sendirian.

🍟 It’s not about the place and how close or far it is, it’s about who you’ll meet. Sama seperti naik haji—meskipun Mekah memang istimewa dibuat-Nya, tapi yang kita ingin tuju, kan, panggilan Allah-nya. Makanya mau sejauh atau seberesiko apapun perjalanannya, kita mau dan berusaha memampukan diri.

Begitu pun safar yang aku lakukan. Ada pertimbangan. Ada tujuan. Ada sosok yang aku anggap penting dan aku mau berjuang untuk itu—dan ada yang saling mementingkan. Ini bukan sekadar, “yuk, main ke sini.” Tapi, “kenapa dan kepada siapa aku harus pergi ke sana?“

🍟 Di balik perjalanan yang tampak mudah itu, ada banyak hal yang perlu diingat:

(1) aku tidak akan mampu kalau bukan Allah yang mampukan ✨ (2) Allah sering meminta kita untuk berkelana di muka Bumi dan mengambil pelajaran, jadi bersemangatlah untuk senantiasa bersiap diri 📝 (3) safar adalah wasilah non ibadah mahdhah untuk mendekatkan diri pada Allah, jadi ibadah mahdhah-nya justru tidak boleh diskip hanya karena alasan safar 🙃 (4) pastikan bahwa energi teman yang akan kamu kunjungi (minimal) sama besarnya dengan energimu. Di jalan itu sudah lelah, kan. Kalau temanmu tidak mampu menyambut dengan baik, akan lelah dua kali lipat. Alhamdulillah, teman-temanku energinya lebih besar semua kemarin 🌼 (5) di balik apa yang aku perlihatkan pada publik, ada perjuangan bertahan hidup yang tidak aku tunjukkan—jadi, semoga tidak pernah terbesit di benak pembaca untuk membandingkan hidupmu dengan secarik trip singkat aku, ya. Semoga pembaca ikut bahagia bareng aku 💛

🍟 Titik keberadaan SPBU itu penting untuk kita tahu kenapa dia ada di situ. Ada rute jalan panjang yang diawali dan diakhiri oleh SPBU di setiap kiri dan kanan lajur—karena memang tidak memungkinkan topografinya untuk ada SPBU lagi di pertengahan rute. Ada jalan yang lurus-lurus saja tapi SPBU-nya banyak—karena hobi banget jadi sarang macet rutenya.

Aku sempat meremehkan ketika pulang kemarin, saat menuju Bandung keluar dari Padalarang, ada rute yang diawali dan diakhiri oleh SPBU. Aku tidak mengisi karena kupikir akan ada lagi SPBU. Tahunya ngga ada! Pom mini juga ngga terlihat. Alhamdulillah ada nemu satu pertamax eceran, ya Allah. Belilah 1 liter. Itu leganya, masyaa Allah. Berasa nemu check point di game survival.

🍟 Boleh lapar, tapi jangan dehidrasi. Itu sih prinsip aku. Apalagi di lampu merah Bandung, kan lama tuh, ya, nunggu hijaunya. Minum! Pasti sempat. Hehe. Kalau dehidrasi, bisa berasa panas banget dan jadi lemas. Bekal paling tidak 2 botol air 600 ml.

🍟 You may ever thought (at any body): kalau bisa pergi sejauh itu ke sana, kenapa tidak bisa pergi ke sini (apalagi lebih dekat)? Secara personal aku sering mendapatkan pertanyaan itu dengan nada skeptis. Jawabannya sederhana sebenarnya: kesempatannya tidak sama, kemampuannya tidak sama, dan worthiness-nya juga tidak sama.

It amazes me how people always think that we must be available for things that they think it’s important to attend, when they don’t even ask us, “how are you? you good? you okay? is there anything you do on that day? are you still in pain?” etc. What surprises me more is it’s always about us that need to adjust everything on our sides, not them trying to adjust themselves and make a move.

Sebelum bertanya yang dipacu oleh prasangka atau keinginan menangih hak, dahulukan simpati dan penuhi hak orang lain yang belum kita penuhi :’)

✨ Misi Membuktikan Cinta

Kalau dipikir-pikir, buat apa, kan, ya, jauh-jauh ke sana kemari? Ya, salah satunya buat misi yang satu ini. Sebelumnya aku tidak sadar bahwa inilah kenyataan lainnya. Sampai teman yang sidang tadi mengirimkan hadits ini padaku selepas aku berpisah dengannya:

“Sesungguhnya seseorang ada yang ingin mengunjungi saudaranya di kota lain. Allah lalu mengutus malaikat untuknya di jalan yang akan ia lalui. Malaikat itu pun berjumpa dengannya seraya bertanya, ‘Ke mana engkau akan pergi? Ia menjawab, ‘Aku ingin mengunjungi saudaraku di kota ini?’ Malaikat itu bertanya kembali, ‘Apakah ada suatu nikmat yang terkumpul untukmu karena sebab dia?’ Ia menjawab, ‘Tidak. Aku hanya mencintai dia karena Allah ‘azza wa jalla.’ Malaikat itu berkata, ‘Sesungguhnya aku adalah utusan Allah untukmu. Allah sungguh mencintaimu karena kecintaan engkau padanya’.” (HR. Muslim no. 2567) — Rumaysho.

Hati aku langsung hangat saat baca hadits ini dan lupa kalau hadits ini memang ada! Semoga Allah benar-benar sayang sama aku, habisnya aku mau dan butuh disayang Allah.

Gara-gara ini, aku jadi iseng kepikiran, mengunjungi itu termasuk love language apa? Quality time, ya? Kemudian yang menjamu adalah act of service? atau harusnya ada jenis love language lain? Haha, apaan sih 😅 seru-seruan sajalah dikit-dikit.

Namun, tanpa berusaha membuktikan pun, sebenarnya rasa sayang yang kita miliki pada orang lain itulah yang akan mendorong kita untuk mampu menemuinya—ketika kesempatannya ada (ingat, tetap ada sk berlaku). Karena kalau ngga sayang, ya buat apa ketemu, kaaan. Mending tidur, hehe.

Rasa sayang itu ternyata perlu dirawat. Ngga bisa sekadar yasudah ada, atau harus sayang just because any reason you have. Makanya ada pertemuan yang aku merasa mudah melakukannya; ada juga yang sepertinya ngga dulu deh untuk ketemu. Ya, karena ada perbedaan usaha merawat kasih sayang tersebut. Ngga bisa hanya satu pihak, harus keduanya—dan tentu saja penting banget melibatkan Allah.

Makanya pergi yang terbaru ini, capek sih pasti iya, namun rasanya itu mudaaah sekali. Kenapa? Karena aku merasakan sayang yang sama besarnya dan itu menguatkan aku dan perasaan senangku untuk pergi ✨

✨ Memori Berkesan Lainnya

Ketika sedang berhenti di Indomart untuk beli air after I passed Padalarang, bapak parkir bertanya padaku yang sedang duduk minum dulu, aku mau pulang ke mana. Aku jawab, xxx. Beliau timpali, “wah, masih 30 menit lagi. Hati-hati di jalan, ya.”

Sepertinya beliau punya anak seusiaku juga kalau dilihat dari luar. Aku tentu saja merasa senang karena sebagai stranger, ada yang berbaik sikap sama aku.

Kali kedua, di Alfamart. Ini sebelum belok memotong jalan agar tidak lewat Panawangan saat pulang. Tidak ada bapak parkir, jadi aku agak kesulitan mau masuk ke jalan umum lagi. Eh, tahunya bapak penjual gorengan bantuin aku menyetop rentetan mobil biar aku bisa jalan.

Lagi-lagi aku jadi sedikit senang karena ada yang peduli sama aku di tempat asing seperti itu :’) Semoga kedua bapak itu senantiasa diliputi rahmat oleh Allah 🫰

—

Anyways. That’s it. Ngga tahu sih, ini kepanjangan atau tidak. Tapi, bagimu yang membaca sampai akhir, terima kasih. Aku titip doakan hal-hal baik untuk aku dan teman-temanku, ya :’) dan semoga kebaikan Allah limpahkan juga padamu, aamiin.

Selamat menyayangi manusia, untuk kita sesama makhluk Allah yang Allah beri naluri nau’ yang mampu membuat kita memiliki rasa sayang 💛

08.22, 15/08/2022.

#travel #travelling #jalanjalan #trip #perjalanan #indramayu #cianjur #jatinangor #friends #bff #relationship

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azilastuff · 2 years

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Catatan Tinggal Bersama saat KKN untuk Berhidup dan Pernikahan

Pernah ada kekhawatiran dengan bagaimana kita hidup bersama setelah menikah dengan orang asing? Aku yakin semua juga pernah. Khawatir tidak bisa saling terima, khawatir diri kita tidak sebaik yang diharapkan, dsb.

Kuliah Kerja Nyata adalah salah satu miniatur tinggal bersama orang asing. Waktunya bisa dari satu hingga dua bulan. Pada masa itu, kita tidak cuma tinggal di satu atap yang sama di kontrakan, tetapi juga harus menghadapi perbedaan pribadi manusia yang ada di dalamnya.

Di catatan ini, aku ingin menuliskan sesuatu yang mengganjal di pikiran aku mengenai hidup bersama orang lain. Karena, ternyata tidak semua manusia punya kepekaan dan tahu common sense yang sama. Sedangkan saat menikah nanti, kita tidak tahu bentuk kebiasaan didikan orang tua seperti apa pada sosok yang kita nikahi–kecuali setelah ijab qabul dan tinggal bersama.

Semoga dengan catatan ini, kita jadi bisa berbenah selama masih sendiri. Jika sudah menikah pun, inilah titik baliknya.

✨ Rumah Bersama, Bersihkan Bersama

Aku sering berpikir, kebersihan dan bagaimana bersih-bersih itu adalah common sense–alias sesuatu yang semua orang sudah tahu. Dididik oleh orang tua yang selalu menganggap aku tidak bisa bersih-bersih mau segimana aku berusaha, tentu aku jadi overthinking bagaimana jika teman satu KKN aku tidak betah hidup bersama?

Tapi ternyata, aku bukan yang terburuk 😁

Menurut aku, seharusnya sebagai manusia kita bisa begini:

Sebelum menaruh piring bekas makan ke wastafel, buang dulu sisa makanannya. Aku cukup kaget dengan kenyataan bahwa teman perempuanku juga masih belum punya kesadaran ini. Padahal tempat sampah dan wastafel itu dekat.

Kita yang bikin kopi–atau energen, kita juga yang simpan bekas gelasnya. Di ruang tengah dekat dispenser itu, sering tertinggal banyak gelas bekas minuman manis. Teman laki-laki yang mampir juga (karena kontrakan perempuan dijadikan base camp utama), sering meninggalkan ‘bekas duduk’ dalam keadaan berantakan. Puntung rokok sana sini. Berkas martabak tidak dibuang. Gelas kotor kopi tidak habis.

Like, kenapa sih susah banget untuk jalan ke dapur doang buat simpan bekas minumnya? Apalagi kalau minum dengan air gelas kemasan. Sering banget ngga habis, tapi masih ambil lagi yang baru karena tidak tahu punya dirinya yang mana. Jadi, sampahnya semakin banyak.

Membuang sampah ke tempatnya. Ini betulan, lho. Kemampuan yang satu ini memang tidak semua orang punya. Padahal di dapur itu, trash bag sebesar gaban. Tapi kalau punya sampah, apalagi bekas jajan di luar, ditaruhnya di samping trash bag, bukan dimasukkan ke dalamnya #capek

Ini belum membicarakan pemisahan sampah dan pengelolaan. Hopeless sekali rasanya untuk bikin dunia sedikit lebih bersih.

Bak mandi itu bukan kolam benda mandi. Kamar mandi di kontrakan itu lega. Baknya juga besar. Airnya selalu penuh, alhamdulillah. Tapi, bungkus pewangi dan detergen banyak tertinggal; pasta gigi dan sabun jatuh ke bak dan tidak diambil. Mandinya gimana sih? Barbar banget perasaan :(

✨ Peka dengan Rumah dan Tata Letak Barang

Ngga, ini ngga sedang membicarakan desain interior. Ini membicarakan bagaimana kita memperhatikan rumah agar urusan hidup jadi mudah.

Barang yang kita butuh pasti ada, cari dulu. Benda berguna itu, kalau tidak dicari ya tidak ketemu. Dicari di mana? Di tempat lazimnya sebuah benda ada. Misalnya, kalau di ruang tengah ada bupet, kemungkinan besar kita akan menyimpan benda seperti gunting dan solasi. Kalau di dapur ada lemari, di dalamnya bisa jadi ada mangkuk, gelas, sendok atau bumbu masak.

Sering banget di kontrakan KKN itu ributnya duluan ini di mana, itu di mana. Padahal jawabannya simpel, ada di bupet atas. Tapi entah kenapa badan itu enggan untuk mencari dulu di bupet sebelum ribut 😭Hal ini juga terjadi karena diri yang jarang beres-beres kalau aku lihat. Karena bagi yang membereskan, dia sih tidak akan ribut.

Benahi apa yang tidak pada tempatnya. Salah satu keonaran yang terjadi di awal tinggal adalah tirai lepas dari tempatnya, karena ditarik terlaulu bertenaga. Jadi, kami harus memasangkan tirai ke tempatnya lagi. Aku pikir ya sudah, ini masalah sepele dan satu-satunya kejadian.

Ternyata tidak :’) memang ada satu anak yang tiap buka tirai itu begitu. Sampai tirai kamar juga kejadian di hari terakhir.

Tidak masalah atas lepasnya tirai itu. Tapi kenapa sih, setiap lepas, tidak langsung dipasang lagi tirainya! 😩 Begitu terus. Sampai harus orang lain yang turun tangan.

Rumah adalah ruang privat, di dalamnya ada aurat. Meskipun sesama perempuan, tetap ketuk pintu dulu saat masuk rumah atau kamar. Meskipun itu base camp, biasakan untuk salam dulu dari luar, bukan asal masuk. Sering banget laki-laki itu masuk ke kontrakan tanpa ketuk atau salam. Jadi, aku posisikan rumah bukan ruang privat.

Menurut pandangan aku memang kebiasaan penduduk desa seperti itu. Apakah saking akrabnya atau memang ngga ada pemahaman tentang ruang privat orang lain, yang mana itu bukan rumah si tamu. Dan memang pihak laki-laki pun tidak menghargai keberadaan kamar. Jadi, sering banget–terutama ke kamar depan, langsung melongokan kepala (bahkan saat pintu ditutup juga asal dibuka). Redflag banget sih buatku lawan jenis yang seperti itu :(

✨ Permudah Urusan Bersama dan Finansial

Aku mengambil posisi sebagai bendahara di KKN. Alasannya? Biar jadi orang penting, haha. Soalnya aku introver banget, jadi harus punya daya tarik. Dari ini jugalah aku bisa tahu karakter orang bagaimana.

Inisiatif menolong. Sudah tugas bendahara untuk serah terima uang. Membelikan sesuatu juga okelah–meskipun aku merasa harusnya dibedakan antara mengelola uang dan membelikan sesuatu dari uang. Tapi, jika membandingkan bagaimana orang lain di KKN bersikap padaku soal beginian, aku prefer dimintai uang oleh seseorang dan orang itulah yang beli sesuatu–dibandingkan aku disuruh beli ini dan itu.

Ada dua orang yang aku hindari banget, sampai aku ada di posisi tidak mau bertemu mata dengan orang itu, saking lelahnya dengar kalimat, “Teh, beli ini ya. Beli itu ya. Pakai uang Teteh dulu kalau dikas ngga cukup. Teh, ini habis. Teh, ngeprint ya. Teh beli kertas, ya. Teh, kalau benda itu ngga beli? Teh, bikin mading ya, beli bahannya.” Capek banget.

Uang bersama dan tahu harga. Memiliki sense of belonging terhadap uang bersama itu penting. Aku selalu pengen menangis tiap ada struk Indomart datang. Soalnya, Indomart itu bahkan harga barangnya lebih mahal dari Alfamart :’) Kalau dipikir-pikir, memang latar belakang gaya hidup di keluarga masing-masing juga menjadi faktor kenapa bisa boros uang.

Tahu diri. Dalam artian, tahu mana kebutuhan diri dan bersama. Aku sempat sakit dan harus pulang ketika KKN. Karena bendahara cuma seorang, jadi aku titip ke sekretaris. Ternyata, sampai sabun mandi juga dibebankan ke uang kas.

Kemudian juga harus tahu diri soal belanja makanan. Anggaran hanya 25rb perhari untuk masak, tapi sekali belanja sering sampai 70rb ketika aku ngga ada. Itu pun pernah sekali waktu, minyak goreng habis dan ngga ada yang peka beli. Lalu uang 70rb itu buat apa saja seharian ini? :(

✨ Memiliki Sifat Sayang dan Kemampuan Diri Secara Umum

Kalau di dalam bahasa Sunda, disebutnya nyaah (read: nya-ah). Sifat ini akan membuat kita juga jadi mampu mengelola rumah.

Makanlah makanan yang ada. Salah satu masalah besar kita di KKN adalah, seringnya membuang-buang makanan. Baik nasi, lauk, cemilan basah, dst. Ngga ada yang mau makan nasi hasil masak tadi malam, padahal masih enak dan layak. Jadi, masak nasi baru, hhh. Lauk terbuang juga sering banget, padahal hasil masak susah-susah. Jadi, aku lebih sering makan terakhir untuk menghabisi apa yang tersisa.

Bertanggungjawab sebelum pergi. Kita sering kelimpungan karena orang terakhir yang pegang kunci kontrakan tidak menitipkan kunci pada yang ada saat dia pergi.

Kita pernah kelimpungan karena sekretaris yang tidak mengecek lembar pengesahan proposal yang belum ditandatangan, dan surat-menyurat yang belum dibuat dan dicetak–karena dia mendahulukan pergi ke acara sekunder di kampus.

Beberes saja langsung. Ini terjadi menjelang pulang dari KKN kemarin. Apa yang aku lihat, lebih sering kita ribut untuk ayo bersih-bersih, dibandingkan melakukannya. Sampai di titik akhir sebelum benar-benar pergi, aku kesulitan sendiri karena kukira masih akan bersihkan bekas sampah dan lantai dulu.

Aku mau curhat:

Ketidakpekaan akan bersihnya rumah itu sempat bikin aku shock saat: 1) kembali ke kontrakan setelah selesai isolasi mandiri, dan 2) H-1 penarikan karena aku ke Indramayu dulu hari itu, tetapi barang-barang aku sudah kubereskan. Ketika selesan isoman, aku lihat keadaan kontrakan kotor dan berantakannya bukan main, seperti tidak pernah dibersihkan. Sampai aku heran, kok betah. Begitupun saat H-1 pulang, hanya peka pada barang sendiri dan menyisakan rumah masih kotor lalu lebih memilih pergi ke korsel :’) jadi malam itu sendirian aku bereskan semua yang ada. Dan memang betul, kan, besok ngga ada jam bersih-bersih dulu, cuma bacotnya saja. Sampai aku bilang ke orang yang berisik mulu, “mau bersih-bersih? Kalo menurut kamu apa yang harus dibersihkan? Dapur? Yaudah ayo beresin dapur.” Dan tidak terjadi dia beresin dapur. Kan? Berisiknya saja. Kesel 🙃 alhamdulillah, Allah jadikan bersih-bersih kontrakan sebagai cara aku meredakan rasa kesal selama dua hari itu. People always be like, “jadi anak kampus jangan kupu-kupu. aktif organisasi ina inu.” Padahal aku hanya menyeimbangkan dunia, karena anak organisasi tidak otomatis bisa mengorganisir rumah.

Milikilah sifat teliti atau memeriksa dengan baik. Ketika urusan proposal sedang kacau, ada satu orang yang dengan santai ingin ambil proposal yang sudah jadi. Lalu aku tanya, lembar pengesahannya yang itu sudah ada dan ditandatangan belum. Dia bilang, “ngga tahu.” 🙃

Aku bilang, kan, coba periksa dulu. Lalu dia buka proposal, tapi tidak dari halaman pertama (padahal lembar pengesahan ada halaman dua). Dia tanya, “di mana sih lembar pengesahannya?” Aku dengan sangat gemas bilang, “coba kalau buka proposal dari halaman pertama dulu.” Ketemulah itu halaman lembar pengesahan.

Mampu mengambil keputusan sendiri. Masih dengan orang yang sama, yang aku amati dia lebih sering mengatakan tidak tahu dan terserah padahal urusan itu terkait banget dengan kepentingannya dia.

Menurut aku, ini dipengaruhi oleh didikan orang tua yang selalu memilihkan keputusan untuk anaknya. Dari mana aku tahu? Saat lebaran idul adha, mamanya ke sini dan pola itu bisa langsung aku indra ketika dia berada di dekat mamanya dan bagaimana mamanya berkomunikasi dengan dia.

Bayangkan jika menikah tetapi mengambil keputusan sendiri saja tidak mampu? Mau jadi pernikahan seperti apa :’)

—

Buatku, ini mengerikan. Hal-hal yang menjadi catatan itu, soalnya tidak terjadi pada satu orang dan satu waktu saja. Tinggal dalam waktu satu bulan seperti itu saja aku sudah pusing setengah sadar, sampai sering ingin main keluar berdiam di mana–karena kalau tidur tidak mungkin.

Ada catatan tambahan, ini terkait bagaimana laki-laki dan perempuan yang saling peduli berkomunikasi.

Namanya juga KKN, cinta lokasi pasti terjadi. Betul? Ada satu pasangan yang progresnya lancar, yaitu kormanit dan salah satu teman kamar aku–di mana dia selama ini ya ke mana-mana berempat dengan teman kamar lainnya (aku tidak termasuk). Setelah dekat banget, akhirnya teman perempuanku ini lebih sering bersama kormanit. Banyak perubahan terjadi.

Dia jadi lebih sering tidur terlambat karena menemani kormanit. Dia jadi mengurusi barang-barang si laki-laki, ya dititipkan ini dan itu. Baju laki-lakinya disetrika-kan, kalau pengen kopi dibuatkan, saat lelah dipijiti.

Aku yang melihat itu semua sebagai orang lain merasa, kenapa temanku ini jadi lebih lelah justru setelah ada cowok yang mendekati? Dan aku tuh tidak suka the way si cowok selalu kode-kode bikinin itu, buatin ini, dll. Sebelumnya juga dia mampu bikin apa-apa sendiri.

Aku jadi ingat perkataan seseorang tentang menjadi perempuan dan ini bukan dalam konteks feminis ya, lebih ke menghadapi hidup dan trauma dan ini disampaikan oleh laki-laki:

“untuk banyak hal yang terjadi jika berhubungan dengan laki-laki, perempuan lebih sering ada di posisi menerima dan belajar deal with something that happened to her. Sedangkan laki-laki, dia lebih sering ada di posisi lepas dan terbebas dari suatu beban. Ringan. Tidak perlu deal dengan banyak hal.”

Inilah salah satu alasan aku ngga suka kalimat, “seburuk-buruk lelaki, ingin dapat istri yang baik.” Tetapi ketika ada perempuan baik ingin laki-laki baik, dikatakan egois dan tidak menerima perbedaan manusia.

Padahal pernikahan dalam Islam tidak dibangun atas dasar tersebut. Suami itu wajib menjadi penanggungjawab istri.

Justru dialah (suami) yang berperan banyak untuk kebaikan istri–kebaikan rumah, seharusnya.

Karena laki-laki yang mampu memenuhi hak istrinya dan menghormati fitrahnya, akan membuat istri juga mampu melakukan perannya dengan baik. Laki-laki yang mampu menjaga rumahnya, akan membuat istri juga senang bersama-sama mengindahkan rumah. Bukan terbalik :’)

Dengan segala pengalaman itu, aku bersyukur dengan solitude yang aku miliki.

—

05.15, 09/08.

#Kkn #pernikahan #perjalanan #kuliah #marriage #rumah tangga #travel #trip

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azilastuff · 2 years

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A Beautiful Dua and Song (about that Dua) for Those who are in Pain

Ketika sedang berada di tengah rasa sakit, banyak hal yang ingin aku temukan. The reason why, the help, hikmah, apa yang Allah mau dari pengalaman sakit ini, dst. Hal lain yang tidak ketinggalan adalah aku harus berdoa dengan doa yang seperti apa.

Biasanya, I go back to istighfar—karena teringat hadits ini:

“Barang siapa memperbanyak istighfar; niscaya Allah memberikan jalan keluar bagi setiap kesedihannya, kelapangan untuk setiap kesempitannya dan rizki dari arah yang tidak disangka-sangka.” (HR. Ahmad)

Rasa sakit yang diberikan oleh tekanan dunia kadang menjadikan kesedihan datang tanpa aku tahu kapan perginya. Sudah berusaha menyenangkan diri (treat myself), tapi saat melakukan proses menyenangkan diri sendiri pun rasa sedihnya masih ada di sana—menunggu dengan tertib di pintu keluar area kesenangan.

Melafalkan istighfar itu rasanya tertolong banget karena kesedihan membuat manusia jadi lemah, tetapi dalam kelemahan itu setidaknya mulut masih bisa mengucapkan kalimat mohon ampun pada Allah sebagai cara manusia meminta tolong.

Like, I don’t have to scream. I don’t have to be on my best performance. Just say it.

Astaghfirullaah al-‘azhiim. Astaghfirullaah al-‘azhiim. Astaghfirullaah al-‘azhiim.

Sebanyak mungkin sebelum keluar pintu kamar. Sebanyak mungkin sambil melipat mukena sesudah sholat. Sebanyak mungkin sehabis doa setelah makan. Sebanyak mungkin sebelum tidur. Sebanyak mungkin di sela jeda.

Mungkin kamu sebanyak mungkin di before dan after aktivitasmu sendiri. Feels like we fight together, don’t we? Because our du’a (our left weapon) is the same—the istighfar :’)

Tapi, namanya juga manusia yang Allah berkahi keinginan untuk menemukan lebih banyak, ingin ada doa lain yang bisa diucapkan. Some of them are already popular—but in the process of finding them, personally it’s such a beautiful experience.

Salah satu yang akan aku tulis adalah doa yang awalnya aku temukan dari lagu—sebagaimana niatan tulisan ini dibuat adalah untuk berbagi mengenai doa ini.

Kalau sedang sedih, banyak lagu jadi terasa mendukung suasana sedih. Aku lupa tepatnya gimana bisa menemukan Healing – Sami Yusuf.

Here’s the link to the song: Sami Yusuf – Healing

Ini liriknya:

It`s so hard to explain What I`m feeling But I guess it`s ok Cause I`ll keep believing There`s something deep inside Something that`s calling It`s calling you and I It`s taking us up high Healing, a simple act of kindness bring such meaning A Smile can change a life lets start believing And feeling, let`s start healing

Heal and you will be healed Break every border Give and you will receive It`s nature`s order There is a hidden force Pulling us closer It`s pulling you and I It`s pulling us up high To Healing, a simple act of kindness brings such meaning A Smile can change a life lets start believing And feeling, let`s start healing

Hearts in the hand of another heart and in God`s hand are all hearts An eye takes care of another eye and from God`s eye nothing hides Seek only to give and you`ll receive So, heal and you will be healed And feeling, let`s start healing

Hold up, this song does not end here. Justru yang bikin pengen menangis itu bagian lagu yang pakai bahasa arabnya, di akhir.

Here’s what I thought:

When we are in pain, we get used to think that we have nothing—meskipun sebenarnya banyak hal yang masih kita miliki. Tapi, ya, terhalang pandangan kita untuk melihat hal tersebut. Karena perasaan tidak memiliki apapun itu, kita jadi merasa tidak bisa melakukan sesuatu yang lebih baik.

This song have a focus about giving—as an act to help ourselves. But I am in a mess. I have nothing good. I am all in pain. What do you mean by doing an act of giving?

And there it is, the words, 4 baris terakhir:

Perkataan yang baik adalah sedekah. Senyum kepada saudaramu adalah sedekah. Setiap hal yang ma’ruf adalah sedekah.

Lalu ditutup dengan doa:

Ya Allah, sembuhkan aku dengan kesembuhan yang tidak meninggalkan sakit sedikitpun.

✨✨✨

Setiap hal yang ma’ruf adalah sedekah. Kalimat itu cukup untuk bikin aku berusaha mampu untuk melakukan sesuatu. In my bare minimum situation, what kind of things I still can do? After I write the list, I often mumble myself those list in every morning so that I don’t let myself feel bad about me being sad in pain.

This morning, I just found out that the du’a, is part of Rasulullah’s shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam du’a :’ Tahu dari Yaqeen Institute

Tiba-tiba aku merasa sangat disayangi. Like, Allah tentu saja yang mewahyukan doa itu pada Rasulullah. Rasulullah adalah a human being yang sejak ribuan tahun lalu sudah saaaayang banget pada umat yang lahir setelah beliau meskipun belum pernah ketemu.

Seperti yang digambarkan Allah pada surat At Taubah:

My pain is his pain. And he wants the best for me 😭

Some of you who read this post may have known this du’a. I hope it stays beautiful in your heart just like the first time you know—the feeling that I have now.

Jadi, kadangkala aku menguatkan diri dengan menyetel lagu Healing – Sami Yusuf di tengah aktivitasku, atau sebelum aku harus keluar rumah. Kemudian mengingat bahwa salah satu bare minimum thing that I could adalah istighfar, feels really helpful to give a lil bit tranquility that I need.

I pray to Allah, may good things from Allah is seen by our eyes. May Allah Ar Rahiim protect and help us in such a beautiful way. Aamiin ✨

#doa #destination #sami yusuf #pain #journal #quran journaling #bullet journal #journaling quran

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azilastuff · 2 years

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Aku Membenci Bunga karena Orang yang Menyakitiku Memberikanku Bunga

Ini adalah sebuah tulisan yang menyangkut Tuhan.

Kebencian atau ketidaksukaanmu mungkin pada sesuatu yang lain. aku tidak akan langsung memvalidasinya seperti kamu membaca apa yang ada di judul atau di gambar: kok begitu?—pikirmu, mungkin.

Tetapi, kalau mau memvalidasinya pun juga terserah padamu. Bisa jadi kita punya cara berpikir yang sama—yang sayangnya berdasarkan penilaian subjektif hati dan belum sembuhnya trauma yang kita miliki.

Tidak, aku tidak benci bunga. Ini hanya perumpaan. Begitulah kiranya sebagian besar penduduk Bumi menghukumi sesuatu di sekitarnya—membenci bunga bukan karena bunganya.

Seaneh apapun bentuk suatu bunga, aku tidak seharusnya membenci itu berdasarkan pengalaman tidak enak yang aku alami. Bunga hanyalah pihak yang kebetulan terlibat—bukan benar-benar sengaja membuat aku terluka.

Bahkan terhadap dia yang menyakitiku pun, ruang maaf masih bisa disediakan. Lalu kenapa aku membenci bunga segitunya?

Sama dengan hal lainnya.

Aku tidak seharusnya membenci pernikahan karena melihat luka yang aku dapatkan dari keluargaku—apalagi dari melihat luka orang lain oleh keluarganya. Pernikahan adalah situasi, bukan pelaku yang benar-benar membuat semua manusia terluka seperti pembantaian.

Aku tidak seharusnya jadi ingin melepas hijabku karena tidak ingin diidentikan dengan manusia yang tidak bisa mengerti aku. Hijab adalah bagian dari hidupku untuk menyenangkan Tuhan, bukan sesuatu yang ada kaitannya dengan manusia manapun.

Aku tidak seharusnya skeptis pada Allah, dan jadi enggan menyebut asma-Nya karena orang lain bertakbir sebelum meledakkan diri atau menembak sipil seperti yang dulu sering terjadi di berita. Allah pun pasti akan memberikan penghakiman pada orang itu, begitu pun padaku. Baiknya aku justru semakin sering berdzikir—paling tidak beristighfar karena rasa skeptisku.

Aku juga tidak seharusnya menghindari pengetahuan yang Allah ingin aku memilikinya demi kebaikan hidupku, hanya karena sikap orang yang dipandang berilmu ternyata tidak sesuai. Ilmu-Nya menaikan derajat manusia. Jika aku tidak ingin bejat, aku baiknya semakin cinta pada ilmu-Nya.

Semoga rasa suka dan tidak sukaku, benci dan sayangku, Allah bantu arahkan dengan baik. Sehingga perasaanku bisa menuntunku pada ridha-Nya.

Aamiin✨

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azilastuff · 2 years

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Sebagai manusia, kita terlanjur banyak perhatian pada jasad fisik kita—kadang membuat sibuk, kadang membuat rendah diri. Lalu lupa bahwa kepribadian manusia tidak terkait dengan bagaimana Qadha tubuh kita dibentuk oleh Allah.

Come to think about it, I just realize that what we know about Allah—beyond his existence—adalah Allah itu punya nama dan sifat seperti apa.

Kita mengenal Allah, menjadi lebih dekat dengan Allah, bukan karena tahu wujud-Nya—dan memang bukan kapasitas otak kita untuk mengetahuinya.

Tetapi Allah jadikan kita mampu untuk tahu siapa Allah melalui sifat-sifat Allah tadi, entah yang disebutkan dalam 99 nama, atau yang tidak masuk dalam 99 itu tetapi juga merupakan sifat-Nya.

Buatku, penyadaran ini indah banget! ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

Like, kepada Allah pun kita tetap bisa mengakui keagungan-Nya tanpa harus tahu wujud Allah (di luar fakta bahwa Allah memang tidak butuh pengakuan hamba manapun karena Allah adalah Maha Berdiri Sendiri).

Jadi, kita manusia pun tidak perlu khawatir dan merasa rendah diri. Karena sifat dan suluk kitalah yang menjadi nilai kita, bukan penampilan. Selama kepribadian kita terpuji—yakni berusaha agar sesuai dengan ridhonya Allah, tidak perlu merasa rendah diri, ya!

___

10.47 pm. Sebuah renungan hasil membaca prolog buku.

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azilastuff · 2 years

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Short Trip #2 - Hikmah

Menuliskan hikmah ini aku maksudkan sebagai salah satu bentuk syukur dan upaya manusiawi aku untuk menunjukkan betapa Allah sebaik itu ✨

—

Membicarakan hikmah, aku ngga bisa kalau cuma fokus pada tanggal 17-19 Juni ini. Karena hikmah adalah sesuatu yang kita dapat atas suatu peristiwa, yang bisa jadi terjadinya sudah lama sekali. Aku lagi-lagi ngga bisa untuk tidak bersyukur melalui perjalanan ini :') sayang banget aku sama Allah 😭

Berikut hikmah yang aku ambil:

Zero, aku suka perasaan lemah, takut, rapuh, dan rentan yang hadir saat aku di perjalanan. Perasaan itu mendorongku untuk bergantung pada-Nya sekuat mungkin; membuat aku juga jadi berdoa. Dalam ikhtiyar kemanusiaanku, aku jadi berani bertanya demi serpihan informasi yang aku butuhkan.

Aku juga suka exuberance yang menyeruak ke hati aku saat melihat dunia lebih jauh dari biasanya. Membuat aku sadar bahwa Allah sudah kuatkan aku untuk ada di titik di mana aku berdiri dan mendongak melihat langit.

One, sebaik-baik rencana memang rencana yang Allah ijinkan berjalan (dan semoga Allah juga ridho). Berpikir untuk ketemu sama Dysa itu adalah life plan yang sejak kita berpisah, belum pernah terwujud. Entah ingin trip bareng, atau sekadar ketemu saat dia sedang libur kerja. Entah dadakan, atau jauh direncanakan.

Namun, tiba-tiba saja bisa bertemu melalui acara pernikahan teman kita berdua—Aqila, itu kan teman satu jurusannya, sedangkan bagiku Aqila adalah teman satu halaqoh terbaik. Dari sisi ikhtiyar manusia, bentuk pertemuan ini tidak mendadak banget, dan ada perencanaan ✨

Maksud aku, mau dadakan atau yang terencana dari jauh, tetap saja peran Allah-lah yang menentukan rencana mana yang terjadi—dan itu yang terbaik :')

Dalam perhitunganku, terbaik karena aku tidak hanya bertemu Dysa, tapi juga orang tuanya Dysa, bertemu Aqila di hari istimewanya, teman-teman semasa di Jogja, dan bisa mampir ketemu Mbak Mila. Masyaa Allah 😭✨

Two, tanpa aku sadari, building block dari rencana bertemu ini dibangun oleh Allah jauuuh sebelumnya—bahkan sebelum aku tahu Aqila akan menikah Juni.

a. Keuangan. Salah satu yang mungkin juga jadi pertanyaan dan "kok bisa mila pergi-pergi?" pasti berasal dari keuangan. Aku jawab, ngga tahu ya, itu dari Allah. Tapi kalau dari sudut pandang manusiaku, ini uang datang melalui pekerjaan.

Beberapa bulan terakhir, alhamdulillah aku punya kerjaan WFH dan ada upahnya. Aku juga tidak tahu uang di luar sangu ini mau diapakan, selain hal-hal yang sifatnya basic need dan hospitality aku. Jadi, yaudah aku tabung sisanya.

Ternyata kalau ditilik ke hari ini, memang ada tujuannya Allah memberikan aku maisyah lewat pekerjaan tersebut :')

b. Waktu. Ini sesudah ujian akhir semester banget sebetulnya. Karena tanggal 17 itu aku masih ujian, dan ada mata kuliah yang aku kerjakan di stasiun 😃

c. Kesehatan dan kekuatan. Sejak Mei, kesehatan aku alhamdulillah membaik. Meskipun ada turun-turunnya, tapi tidak seburuk tahun lalu. Lagi-lagi aku berpikir, mungkin ini bagian dari Allah mempersiapkan aku untuk perjalanan jauh dan bertemu banyak orang.

Melihat ke belakang seperti ini, membuat aku bersyukur terus karena ternyata puzzle-puzzle rencana itu dengan sendirinya Allah Al Qadir bantu untuk hadirkan. Kalau hanya mengandalkan aku saja, pasti tidak akan terwujud :')

Jadi, jangan lupa untuk terus berdoa sama Allah agar rencana yang kita inginkan bisa Allah wujudkan dengan sebaik-baik keadaan ✨ #manifesting

Three, rencana, titik buta, dan kebaikan. Di malam-malam sebelum perjalanan, aku ketakutan luar biasa sampai menangis karena titik buta dari rencana yang aku buat. Titik buta ini maksudnya hal-hal yang masih belum aku tahu; bagaimana jika aku kelewatan suatu hal; bergantinya rencana secara mendadak, dst.

Karena selalu ada sesuatu yang missed dari planning aku selama satu minggu ini :') namun ternyata, di balik sesuatu yang terlewat itu, ada kebaikan yang sesuai dengan kebutuhan aku.

Contoh, hari Rabu dan Kamis saat aku hendak mengumpulkan tugas. Rabu itu di kos, aku sudah menempelkan label identitas di produk. Ketika ke kampus, dosennya sedang rapat, jadi aku selesai mengumpulkan ya pulang lagi. Sore hari ketika lagi beberes tas, aku baru menemukan kalau labelnya lepas 😭

Aku tidak kesal, tapi tiba-tiba langsung terpikir ke planning trip aku, bagaimana kalau ada kejadian semacam ini, aku sudah pergi tahunya ada yang tertinggal.

Besoknya, aku ke kampus untuk menempel label nama. Ternyata ada dosennya 😃 dan tiba-tiba, aku diajak mengobrol oleh beliau banyak hal, salah satunya seputar skripsi, apakah sudah ada rencana atau belum. Alhamdulillah, bagiku itu adalah obrolan yang baik. Tidak pernah aku membayangkan aku bisa bicara dengan dosen seaman itu*

*) Perlu aku tambahkan keterangan bahwa ruangan prodi itu cuma 1, diisi meja-meja hingga meja tamu dekat pintu. Jadi, meskipun aku hanya ngobrol berdua dengan dosen (laki-laki), tetapi ruangan itu umum dan banyak orang. Di sebelah ada dosen lain sedang memberi asistensi mata kuliah fotografi dengan beberapa mahasiswa. Jadi, masing-masing diskusi dua dosen tersebut terdengar satu sama lain. Sehingga aku tidak berkhalwat ya 😁

Ketika kembali ke kos, aku mengubah persepsi aku tentang lepasnya label nama ini menjadi Qadha yang baik. Alhamdulillah, masyaa Allah. Perasaan husnuzhan pada Qadha Allah pun jadi lebih kuat dari sebelumnya ✨

Terharunya itu, kejadian seperti tadi muncul terus :')

• Misalnya drama sebelum ketemu Mbak Mila karena akunya yang tidak tahu jalan, hehe. Justru membuat aku bisa menemukan JNE yang tidak aku temukan lewat Gmaps untuk kirim baju bekalku.

• Reschedule kereta pulang hingga dua kali, ternyata aku bisa pulang dengan kereta premium dan tidak ada penumpang di sebelahku.

• Keputusan aku untuk jalan ke Perpusnas membantu aku ketemu ATM buat ambil uang lagi.

• Terbukanya lift bagian ujung di lt 6 ketika aku sendirian dan lift itu kosong! Masyaa Allah, jadi aku bisa naik ke lt 21.

• Hujan besaaaar dari Kamis bahkan di malam Jum'at yang bikin aku jadi bisa pergi naik motor sore Jum'at ke stasiun tanpa khawatir kehujanan, sebab hari Jum'atnya jadi tidak hujan (hanya mendung).

Banyak lagi detail-detail kecil kejadian seperti itu yang bikin aku merasakan banget Allah pasti bantu aku mau gimanapun keadaannya :') bahkan bukan cuma dibantu, tapi diberikan kebaikan I didn't know I need it! ✨

Terkadang Allah membantu hamba-Nya melalui makhluk yang mati seperti alam dan semesta. Terkadang Allah membantu hamba-Nya melalui makhluk yang hidup.

Kesempatan aku untuk pergi kemarin tidak lepas dari tidak jadinya aku untuk pergi ke Jawa Tengah di minggu sebelumnya–untuk memastikan keadaan temanku karena kekhawatiran aku yang membuncah. Alhamdulillah, sebelum pikiran impulsif ini berubah jadi tindakan, akhirnya aku mendapatkan kabar tentangnya bahwa dia baik-baik saja.

The way Allah put everything to let me did this trip, it's beyond my imagination. He is so cool at managing his worshiper needs. Allah keren. Sayang Allah banyak-banyak ✨💛

Bahkan, hari ini aku tahu kalau perjalanan tersebut takkan bisa terjadi kalau jadwalnya weekend ini. Jadi, tanggal 17 - 19 Juni itu memang rezekinya :')

Kadang aku bertanya-tanya, kenapa ya Allah melakukan itu? Lalu aku ingat ayat ini:

QS. Al Baqarah ayat 164

إِنَّ فِى خَلْقِ ٱلسَّمَٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ وَٱخْتِلَٰفِ ٱلَّيْلِ وَٱلنَّهَارِ وَٱلْفُلْكِ ٱلَّتِى تَجْرِى فِى ٱلْبَحْرِ بِمَا يَنفَعُ ٱلنَّاسَ وَمَآ أَنزَلَ ٱللَّهُ مِنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ مِن مَّآءٍ فَأَحْيَا بِهِ ٱلْأَرْضَ بَعْدَ مَوْتِهَا وَبَثَّ فِيهَا مِن كُلِّ دَآبَّةٍ وَتَصْرِيفِ ٱلرِّيَٰحِ وَٱلسَّحَابِ ٱلْمُسَخَّرِ بَيْنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ لَءَايَٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَعْقِلُونَ

Sesungguhnya pada penciptaan langit dan bumi, pergantian malam dan siang, kapal yang berlayar di laut dengan (muatan) yang bermanfaat bagi manusia, apa yang diturunkan Allah dari langit berupa air, lalu dengan itu dihidupkan-Nya bumi setelah mati (kering), dan Dia tebarkan di dalamnya bermacam-macam binatang, dan perkisaran angin dan awan yang dikendalikan antara langit dan bumi, (semua itu) sungguh, merupakan tanda-tanda (kebesaran Allah) bagi orang-orang yang mengerti.

Mungkin, Allah mau aku berpikir. Allah mau aku jadi sosok yang menyadari betapa Maha Besarnya Allah :') Mengurusi urusan aku seorang mah sangat mudah bagi Allah. Lalu apa yang menghalangi aku untuk yakin dan bersandar pada-Nya?

Semoga aku senantiasa menjadi sosok yang bersyukur kepada Allah dan semakin mengenal-Nya setiap fase perjalanan hidup dan hari yang dilewati. Aamiin 🌱

#trip #perjalanan #hikmah #bogor #jakarta #catatan #travelling #travel

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azilastuff · 2 years

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Short Trip #1 - Persiapan dan Tips

Halo, semuanya!

Tanggal 17 - 19 Juni kemarin, aku melakukan perjalanan singkat yang tidak aku duga sama sekali ke Jakarta dan Bogor. Tepatnya untuk mendatangi acara pernikahan salah satu teman dekatku dan me time di Perpustakaan Nasional RI.

Banyak hal yang ingin aku ceritakan, namun aku tidak bisa memilih apa, karena semuanya terlalu istimewa untuk aku bagikan ke publik.

Di satu sisi, aku butuh menuliskan ini di tumblr sebagai pengingat dan dokumentasi bagi diriku sendiri. Jadi, akan aku tuliskan menjadi bagian-bagian seperti ini, ya! Semoga catatan-catatan ini bermanfaat ✨

Bagian pertama adalah persiapan dan tips. Kalau kamu orangnya seperti aku, lebih suka melakukan perjalanan sendiri, aku harap ini dapat membantumu, ya! Persiapan ini aku tulis sebagai proses sebelum pergi. Sedangkan tips aku tulis hasil dari pengalaman kemarin, yang aku pikir akan berguna ke depannya.

Persiapan 🌼

Meskipun aku adalah INFP, tetapi menyusun rencana saat perjalanan jauh adalah keharusan bagiku. Setidaknya membantuku untuk meredakan cemas akan ketidakpastian. Persiapanku apa saja?

a. Transportasi dan estimasi waktu

Perjalanan jauh membutuhkan kenyamanan dan simplisitas, menurutku sih begitu 😃 Makanya, aku memilih naik kereta api, mencari ojek perempuan, dan mengendarai motor sendiri.

Rute perjalananku seperti ini:

Naik motor ke stasiun Prujakan – Naik kereta Airlangga ke Stasiun Pasar Senen Jakarta (49rb) – KRL Rute Bogor – Masjid Az Zikra, Sentul – Kosan menginap semalam, Dramaga.

Esoknya:

Stasiun Bogor – KRL ke Gondangdia — Perpustakaan Nasional – Stasiun Pasar Senen ke Prujakan (135rb) – pulang ke kosan naik motor.

Terlihat kan, aku menghindari angkutan umum seperti Elf dan Angkot. Lalu dari rute itu aku menyiapkan: pembelian tiket kereta, bagaimana rute KRL, dan pesan ojek shejek untuk 3 kali. Aku sampai bertanya sana-sini demi memastikan informasi yang aku tahu itu benar.

Dengan naik kereta, aku bisa memastikan kenyamanan, tergantung kelas keretanya. Aku juga jadi punya estimasi waktu yang aku butuhkan dan habiskan selama perjalanan. Sehingga aku tahu kapan harus apa dalam rentang pergi-pulang itu.

b. Penginapan

Awalnya ini tidak jadi bagian dari rencanaku. Tapi setelah aku tahu kalau Perpustakaan Nasional itu dekat dari Pasar Senen, perjalananku fiks bertambah satu hari, ke hari Minggu, padahal pernikahannya hari Sabtu.

Aku yakin akan melelahkan sekali karena aku berangkat malam Sabtunya, jadi aku mencari penginapan. Tidak ke Pintu Merah (ykwim 😏) karena mahal.

Aku hunting kosan dekat IPB yang menerima tamu semalam. Alhamdulillah dapat, dengan harga yang masuk anggaranku. Cara mencarinya sih, lewat google maps dan mencari kos yang mencantumkan nomor telpon—tapi kalau bisa ini jalan terakhir saat mencari, ya!

c. Pakaian

Sebagai orang yang mudah berkeringat, penting banget mengatur jumlah pakaian (mihnah, gamis, kerudung, dll) dan jenis pakaiannya. Ini lumayan jadi beban sih, karena aku pergi 2 malam 3 hari.

Akhirnya aku siasati, pakaian yang bahannya berat, aku pakai untuk pergi. Sedangkan baju habis pakainya, aku paketkan untuk dikirim ke kos di Minggu pagi. Jadi, ketika main ke Perpusnas, aku hanya bawa tas ransel saja 😁

d. Logistik

Di luar makan di penginapan, aku memutuskan untuk beli on the spot. Biar di dalam tas hanya bawa air saja, sehingga tidak riweuh.

e. Janji ketemu

Penting banget untuk memberi tahu jadwal perjalanan, agar dengan siapa kita ketemu, mereka bisa bersiap diri juga.

f. Pekerjaan dan amanah

Karena mengambil waktu Jumat-Sabtu-Minggu, otomatis banyak agenda dan kerjaan yang harus aku bereskan di weekdays, dan ada yang aku kerjakan di perjalanan. Aku menggunakan waktuku di kereta untuk menyelesaikan sisa kerjaan lainnya.

Saat melakukan trip kemarin, cukup banyak yang harus aku selesaikan dulu, di antaranya ujian akhir semester, forum, pekerjaan WFH, bersih-bersih kamar, tugas kuliah, dll. Serasa jadi manusia paling produktif, hehe.

Semuanya aku atur agar tidak ada yang terlewat. Bahkan kalau ada hal yang masih harus dilakukan di perjalanan, harus detail rincian jadwalnya. Aku sampai bikin catatan ceklis di ponsel dan puas banget ketika semuanya selesai 😁

g. Sholat kapan

Dalam perjalanan jauh, seorang muslim jadi boleh mengumpulkan dua sholat dalam satu waktu. Menurutku penting untuk sejak awal sudah memprediksi akan sholat di mana / kapan. Jadi, aku pun bisa aman mengatur kapan harus ke mana.

Tips 🌼

Apakah aku seseorang yang berani melakukan perjalanan sendiri? Sebenarnya tidak juga. Tapi yang bikin aku bisa melakukannya, tentu saja karena berbagai petunjuk yang aku kumpulkan dan tawakkal sama Allah—minta dijaga terus oleh Allah.

Untuk para Loner, pengalaman trip ini bikin aku bisa tulis ini padamu:

a. Gunakan Aplikasi Moovit

Sebenarnya sudah sejak 2018 aku tahu aplikasi tersebut. Kalau kamu, sudah tahu atau belum tahu? Moovit adalah aplikasi gratis yang memuat rute-rute perjalanan & transportasi yang kita butuhkan saat pergi ke suatu tempat.

Moovit membantu aku banget ketika pergi ke Jogja untuk hadiri pameran biennale 2019 dulu. Kini, aplikasi tersebut juga tetap bermanfaat.

Ketika ke Bogor ini, aku jadi tahu harus naik KRL line apa. Kalau harus mencari halte, jalan berapa menit. Kalau mau naik bus, yang mana. Dan sebagainya. Jadi aku tidak terlalu takut sekalipun baru pertama kali menjejakan kaki di suatu tempat.

b. Selektif Makan

Di perjalanan ini, aku menghindari makan nasi karena takut dengan masalah pencernaanku. Lalu bagaimana agar aku tidak kelaparan dan tetap punya energi yang cukup?

Pertama, aku harus tahu toleransi kekuatan aku seberapa lama. Karena aku tidak punya magh, aku cukup untuk makan 2 kali sehari saja–bahkan tidak apa-apa jika makan agak telat. Jangan sampai menunggu pusing kepala, pokoknya.

Kedua, aku beli makanan yang karbohidratnya lumayan, atau minuman manis kalau aku masih takut makan di jalan.

Kemarin aku makan roti, sebelum pergi. Tanggal 17 malam, aku beli teh manis. Pagi esoknya makan bakso cedea 5 buah yang sudah aku goreng di hari sebelumnya, siang makan siomay dan beli jus mangga, malamnya minum susu coklat (agar mengantuk). Tanggal 19, aku hanya makan roti di jam makan siang.

Jadi, urusan makanan ini sangat personal sekali. Dan yang paling penting jangan sampai dehidrasi. Oleh karenanya, jangan lupa kenali dirimu sendiri dan penuhi hak tubuhmu, ya!

c. Lebih baik bawa uang terlalu banyak daripada kurang

Aku juga pecahkan setiap uang 50ribuanku jadi pecahan kecil. Berguna banget kalau untuk naik Bus Trans dan isi kartu KRL.

d. Hal-hal di stasiun

• Waktu sepi Stasiun Cirebon Prujakan itu saat maghrib. Sepiii banget, kereta yang lewat juga jarang. Jadi aku bisa merasakan hening sejenak atau istirahat di musholanya. Kerja juga enak karena tidak ada polusi suara.

• Waktu sepi di Stasiun Pasar Senen itu tengah malam hingga pukul 02.00 pagi. Jadi, aku sempat bisa membersihkan diri di kamar mandi stasiun dengan lega.

• Kalau tersedia kereta kelas premium, ambil! Karena harganya kadang bisa sama dengan kereta ekonomi.

e. Main ke Perpusnas

Perpustakaan Nasional RI itu dekat sekali dengan Monas. Bisa diakses dari Stasiun Gondangdia dengan jalan kaki.

Ini tips dariku sebagai orang jauh yang ingin main ke Perpusnas:

• Datang sejak pagi, agar merasakan sepinya. Tidak perlu khawatir jika bawa tas besar, karena disediakan loker penitipan tas.

• Perpusnas itu ada 24 lantai. Kalau untuk peminjaman buku bisa di lt 7, 21, dan 22. Namun, setiap lantainya worth it untuk dikunjungi!

• Tapi, kalau kamu tidak berniat tidak pinjam buku dan baru pertama ke sana, tidak perlu daftar kartu anggota juga tidak apa-apa. Karena antriannya cukup lama, seperti yang aku alami kemarin. Bisa langsung saja berkelana.

• Eskalator hanya ada dari lantai 1 - 4. Untuk menjelajah setiap lantainya, hanya lewat lift. Meskipun hanya mau pindah satu lantai, lift itulah aksesnya 😃 kalau sedang rame, bisa jadi lama banget hanya untuk dapat lift kosong.

Jadi, saranku pastikan kamu tahu mau ke lantai berapa dulu / saja. Lebih mudah naik sekalian atau turun sekalian daripada pindah dikit-dikit.

• Mau mengerjakan tugas? Jika di lantai 21 ke atas penuh, kamu bisa pilih ke lantai 6, 7, atau 8. Karena di sana juga banyak spot nyaman untuk nugas.

• Kalau lapar bagaimana? Tenang, ada kantin di lantai 4. Kalau kantin penuh, kamu bisa makan bekal / take away di teras Perpusnas, karena banyak meja di situ.

• Me Time di lantai 6 itu enak banget, ada mushola di sana. Kemarin pertama-tama aku justru naik ke lt 6 dulu dan suka banget dengan kesendirian aku saat itu ✨

f. Memesan Shejek untuk kamu yang perempuan 🌼

Aku terbantu banget dengan adanya Shejek - Ojek Perempuan ini, jadi bisa ke mana-mana dengan aman dan tanpa takut campur baur dengan laki-laki. Kemarin bahkan sampai bisa dibantu mencari JNE dulu pagi-pagi karena malamnya aku tidak sempat keluar penginapan lagi. Sudah lelah banget 😩😃

Tarifnya sekitar 3000 per KM-nya.

g. Boleh takut, tapi harus tetap tenang

Kalau tenang, jadi bisa berpikir. Dan, jangan malu bertanya, apalagi kalau kamu bukan pengamat yang jeli 😅 Karena, sebenarnya kalau kita tenang, jeli jadi pengamat juga informasi itu akan dapat. Tapi kalau ngga tenang, dan malah bikin kita sulit fokus, lebih baik bertanya, ya.

—

Segitu dulu untuk bagian pertama ini. Selanjutnya aku akan ceritakan hikmah yang aku dapat dari perjalanan ini. Terima kasih sudah membaca sampai habis ✨😇

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azilastuff · 2 years

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A book to read from Scribd:

The Day The Crayons Quit by Drew Daywalt, Illustrated by Oliver Jeffers

Link to the book

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azilastuff · 2 years

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Manga Vol 22 Omake

I translated this one because Atsushi is a cutie pie :3

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST/REUPLOAD IT OUT OF TUMBLR.

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azilastuff · 2 years

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“We always talk of things we can never do. It’s only to distract ourselves…”

—

Mori Ōgai, “Sansho the Steward”, The Oxford Book of Japanese Short Stories

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azilastuff · 2 years

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The Day I Picked Up Dazai - Side A (Final)

This is the translation for the last 15 pages of Side A of the Dazai novel which was given out as free bonus for those who come to the cinema to watch the BEAST live action movie in Japan.

Please carefully read the notes below before progressing.

- This post contains spoilers. If you plan to read the novel later yourself and think this would ruin your expectation, please stop here.

· I tried to keep the translation as accurate as possible, but as I don’t speak English or Japanese as my native language, I may make some mistakes or use weird words etc. This translation might not be final. I may come back and fix it later if I find any mistakes.

· This is a moviegoers-only benefit, so please be extra careful when discussing it about on Twitter. Use a #spoilers tag on your tweets or your fanarts. You can share the links to this post but don’t take many screenshots.

· Don’t retranslate it. Don’t repost this anywhere else out of Tumblr.

· DON’T GO TO THE AUTHORS’ OR OFFICIAL TWITTERS TO COMMENT ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF IT.

I’m sorry if that’s too much but honestly all I want is for everyone to have a good experience, for those who wants to read the novels to be able to read the novels, and for those who don’t want to be spoiled, to be safe from it as much as possible.

If you have read and are okay with all the above, please continue to move forward and enjoy the novel. Have a good day!

SPOILERS AHEAD

No king can reign at the top of the world forever.

When we get outside, it is already the evening, when the sun that stands at the top of our world is setting and losing its glow. The sky is dyed in a color that looks like a spill of purple broth and the warm orange color is receding into the distance. The early stars color the sky with their silver twinkles, while the moon is hovering low in the sky like a scratch mark.

We walk through the town. A warm and worn-out atmosphere is slowly flowing through the gaps between the buildings. All the elegant people cautiously turn their heads to check on us as they pass us. After all, we are covered in wounds and mud from the basement, and on top of it we look worn-out like a straw. For those who just had a long day like us, we don’t have time to worry about the eyes of the passers-by.

“How tired.” I say.

“Yeah, so tired.” Dazai replies. “Where are we going now?”

I do not say anything. I take out a pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I haven’t smoked for a while, but too much has happened today.

As I am about to light the cigarette, I suddenly remember that Dazai is here. He is underage.

I change my mind and put the match back in.

“Don’t worry about it. Just smoke.” Dazai says.

I hold the cigarette between my lips and give it a little thought. My thoughts waver as the cigarette wavers. But in the end, I decide to do just as Dazai said.

I light the cigarette, inhale the smoke and blow it out. The smoke rising from the tip of the cigarette swings as it is caught in the twilight.

I get off the main street and step into a narrow alley. Dazai follows me.

That is a place where the setting sun cannot reach, and the sign of the night is crouching in a little earlier. A white light cuts through the alley. It is a store sign. I stop there and open the door in front of me.

“Here?”

Dazai asks. I silently urge him to go on.

It is quiet inside the store. As I am going down the narrow and steep staircases that remind me of those secret passages, I first hear music. A rusty jazz number. A very old song about the sorrow of parting with family. Thanks to the song, I feel like going back in time with each step down. Or perhaps, compared to world out there, this store actually exists a little bit in the past.

There is no guest inside, probably because it has just opened. Illuminated under a dim light, everything in the store seems to be submerged in the yellowish-brown color at the bottom of the sea. The bartender who is wiping the glass behind the counter looks and nods at me with his eyes.

“Is this, by any chance, the place you should go before you die”? Dazai asks, his voice sounds disappointed. “Isn’t it just a normal bar? I thought it would be a nicer place...”

“Right. There is nothing special here. Just a bar.” I honestly admit. “There is no secret. You have been tricked.”

Dazai stands still with a blank expression on his face, as if his heart has flown somewhere else. A long moment passes by before Dazai finally opens his mouth and let out a dumb voice.

“What?”

“Just think about it. How can a little guy like me know something that even the high and mighty Port Mafia does not know of? And didn’t you say you were thirsty? Master, I will have the usual.”

I sit down on a bar stool. The bartender quietly puts a glass of distilled liquor in front of me.

The liquid inside the glass reflects the light and glitters smoothly. The ices clink like some kind of signal.

“Why don’t you sit down?”

I say, looking at Dazai.

Dazai still stands inside the bar with a discontent face. But after looking at the seat, the bartender then me, he slowly sits down.

Dazai orders something, his drink is brought in front of him.

No-one says anything for a while.

“How should I put it, so in other words…” Dazai says, his eyes fixing on his glass. “Did you lie to stop the… suicidal me… from dying?”

“No. I am not that kind of an admirable person.” I take a sip and return the glass to the table. “There is someone who is younger than me yet he seems to know everything about life, so I teased him a little bit. Just that.”

Those words of mine sound true and deceptive at the same time. I am just as clueless about my heart as I am with other people’s.

Dazai spends some time looking at me, trying to see through the meaning of my words, before he eventually gives up and shakes his head. “I can’t really believe you but let’s leave it that way for now.”

“There is no need to be upset. There is still something in this world that you can believe for sure. And there are two.” I take out the deck of trump from my pocket. “One, you haven’t beaten me at poker yet. And two, a dead person will forever lose the chance to play poker with the living.”

Dazai stares at me for a moment, but eventually his face loosens up and he laughs, “I will get rid of that leeway soon enough.”

And then we start drinking and talking about trivial things as we play poker. Our current jobs. Our favorite stores. Our hobbies. The recently published books. There are the clinkings of the glasses and the bodies that lean over to tell secret stories. There is no end to the content of our conversation. For example, like this.

“By the way, why is someone as good as you doing such a safe and boring job like a postman?”

“Because there is not really anything else that I can do. It has been four years since I started doing this job. It is indeed boring, but since the other guys usually retire or die on duty after a month or two, I cannot quit because we are always short of staff.”

“Wha..?” Dazai rolls his eyes. “Did you just say die on duty?”

“Last week, our warehouse was bombed.” I say as I take a sip of my drink. “There was a bomb that targeted our company in one of the packages. I threw it outside just before it exploded. If I were one second late, all the packages would have been blown up, together with all the staff.

“Eh? What the hell is that?” Dazai’s voice is a mixture of shock and confusion. “Do postmen these days work in battlefields or what?”

“It might be pretty close to that. We are a courier that specializes in transporting dangerous packages in the dangerous areas of Yokohama. Yokohama concession, the water infested by pirates, special security zones for military research facilities. We deliver packages on time, to places that other ordinary mailing companies cannot access for various reasons. There were times we had to deliver some development parts while avoiding the attack of industrial spies, or delivered a real gun to a billionaire who has been abducted. My boss is really good at what he does, so together we are able to deliver almost anything. But we do not earn that much despite all the danger. I have not received my salary for four months now.”

“Hey, wait a minute! Why didn’t you tell me these stories when I was injured and bored and sleeping all the time?”

Dazai’s expression changes. That is the face of an angry kid.

“Sorry.”

“I don’t need your apology! Master, another!” Dazai slams the glass on to the table. “Now that it has come to this, I will have you tell me everything. About what you have delivered so far in that job. Everything! Because I am not leaving this bar until you tell me. We will start with the story of that billionaire who you brought a real gun to!”

“It can’t be helped then.”

I finish off my drink, moisten my throat with it and begin to talk. That is the signal for the night.

The music flows. The time flows. Down our throats, the drink from the glasses flows. Our words too, quietly come out, and flow away into nowhere.

“Ahhhhhahahhaha! There were two billionaires that were abducted? How could it be? Which one was the real one?”

The music flows. The time flows. It is getting deeper into the night, and the guests come and go like silver waves.

“Dazai, is that for real? That guy who went against the Port Mafia turned into a monster? He shot destructive rays of light from his mouth and tried to destroy Yokohama? Which part of this story is a lie?”

There is no end to the things we want to say. They keep coming out of our mouths, as if they have been stored somewhere at the back of our throats, waiting for their turns all this time. We talk to each other, listen to each other, and share with each other. The poker cards are dealt and so many games have been decided, but neither of us seems to pay much attention to poker game.

I recall the first time I met him, when Dazai was lying in front of my house, covered in blood. Everything happened just a few days ago. I recall a few days ago when we were so far apart. If I had left Dazai there and closed my door, what would have become of us?

“Okay, I have decided. You are Odasaku.” At one point, Dazai leans overs as if he has made up his mind. “You are too strange for a short name like Oda. And Oda Sakunosuke is just too long to call. You are Odasaku. From now on, whenever someone asks for your name, you have to say so.”

“Odasaku? That is a strange name. Sounds like a farmer. Do I have the right to change my name?”

“No.”

“No…?”

I take a sip then say, “It’s no help then.”

Dazai orders a can of crab. I ask for a Gimlet. I haven’t ordered one in a while, but for some reasons, I suddenly want to drink it.

And then we continue with our endless conversation.

About that time when I found a baby with a rattle after opening a “no shaking” box.

That time when I had to bet my life in a duel of “Acchi Muite Hoi” with a Middle East billionaire to get access to a smuggled jewelry distribution network. (TN: Acchi Muite Hoi is a children game in Japan. Two people are needed to play the game. After saying “Achchi Muite Hoi”, one person will look to one of the directions (up, down, right, left) randomly, and the other person will also point their finger randomly to one of the directions. If the 2nd person can point to the same direction that the first person turns their face to, they will win the game)

The time I ran from a troop of five hundred soldiers of an armed religious organization, to protect a glass of milk that I had to deliver.

The story of how he met his partner boy who is a gravity user.

Our words eventually lose their connection and become a bunch of disjointed words drifting between the two of us. Just like the way music sometimes has meaning in every single note, rather than a series of notes, every single one of our words seems to take on a meaning of its own… If I am to put it in a poetic way, we have turned into instruments, instruments that play words.

“Wow, it has been a long time since I last talked this much.” Dazai says as he is relaxing after speaking for a long while, as if he is tired.

“Good to know.” I say as I deal the card, for what time I don’t remember. “But we have been here a little too long. It’s almost closing time. You are going home after this, right?”

Dazai’s wounds have already crossed the most critical time. Just leave them like that and they will heal on their owns. My role here is over. So is our relationship.

Dazai nods and takes the cards from me. Then in a casual tone, he says those words.

“When are we meeting next?”

I stop what I am doing and look at Dazai.

Dazai must have known that it is not a normal thing to ask. That should be some sort of a magic word, more special than any line I have ever heard. But Dazai is just waiting for my answer with his light and innocent smile. As if it is just like inhaling and exhaling for him.

“I wonder.” I let my gaze wander while I search for the right words to say. “I don’t know. You seem to be very busy. But if you want to…”

“Hahaha, interesting. It is surprising to see you make that kind of face. Okay! Showdown!”

He says so, then turns all the cards over.

“Four Kings. I won.”

I look at the cards in my hand and in Dazai’s hand. It is indeed his win.

“All the games up till this point have been to figure out how your skill works.” Dazai smiles happily. “Generally, the future you can see is only within five to six seconds, so if I wait for seven seconds or more after the last bet to open and switch my cards at the same time, you will not be able to see that future.”

Dazai holds up the King of Clubs in his hand and shows it to me. With a flip of his hand, he turns the card and the moment he turns it back, it has become an Eight of Hearts. He flips his hand again and the card turns back to the King of Clubs. I can’t tell where the cards are coming from even when looking at it up close.

“Of course, you would be wary of the switch. So, I had to distract you by conversation.”

“So, the games and the flow of conversation till now, were both according to your plan, you mean?”

“Hehe. Saying important things as a camouflage to get what you want. That is the basis of the negotiation technique.”

I ask as I organize the cards, “Which is camouflage of which?”

Dazai expression turns blank for a second, as if he has been caught off guard. But it is only for a moment. He turns his head to the side to hide his expression and smiles. If I am not wrong, there is an embarrassed expression on his face. It is under the dark lighting of the bar, so I might have mistaken though.

““It is foolish to die without coming here”… you really told me some nice thing.” Dazai says, keeping his expression hidden.

I sort out the card one by one and say, “Sometimes, I say the right thing, too.”

It is time for the bar to close and the guests are starting to rush out. It is time to leave. The night has fallen outside. Silence is absorbing everything.

I look at the deck of cards.

Poker is my forte, but it doesn’t mean I will never lose. There is nothing absolute in this world. It is inherently impossible to control anything in this world. All we can do is to accept it and at the very least, enjoy it as we resist it.

In a corner of a bar, somewhere in the past, in a whirlpool of future uncertainty.

“Even if you flip a card a thousand times, and a thousand times it come out as you expected, there is no guarantee that it will come out right the 1001th time.” I say.

“Yeah. I’ve learned that this time too.” (TN: Dazai switches his pronoun from “boku” to “watashi” for the first time here. “Boku” is usually used by younger boys while “watashi” is more formal and neutral. It can be considered a sign of growth.)

“Watashi?”

“Does it sound strange?”

Dazai smiles, a smile that seems somewhat more mature from what it was just a moment ago.

I shake my head. So many things happened today.

“As to your question,” I say as I am standing up. “I can’t be sure if I can meet up next time. I am a pretty moody guy, you know it too. And I still have my own problems to deal with.”

Dazai nods, “You mean those ex-cops?”

“Those guys won’t give up. Even if they do, I don’t think they are gonna be the last. We should assume that the information about the “painting” has been leaked to others also. Even if I flee to the other side of the world, the information will eventually catch up to me.”

People in the underworld always have horizontal connections somewhere. I don’t know how the guys of “48” found out about my past, but they probably bought the information from another criminal organization. Even if they didn’t, there is still a chance that “48” will sell my information to another criminal organization. If that is the case, then I will have more than just them to take care of. There might come a day when it becomes too much for me to handle.

“Come on. You are still worried about that?” Dazai folds his arm. “Isn’t there already a simple solution for that?”

“There is?”

“If the other side of the world doesn’t work, you can run to a deeper place.” Dazai speaks in a light tone and shrugs. “A place so deep that no criminal organizations can reach. And it is not that far away from here. The place is right here in Yokohama.”

After saying so, he smiles, “If you die without going there, you are a fool.”

I ponder for a while and come up with one place.

It is true that if I go there, no criminal organization will be able to meddle with me anymore.

That is the darkest place of Yokohama. Covered in a black storm of violence, a shrine of the night. The people in there are tied by an iron rule. If one of their members is attacked by an outsider, they will turn into a row of fangs and bite the enemies.

“No-one can run away from his past.” Dazai smiles as he says. “But if you go there, it is a different story.”

“Are you saying that I should join it?”

“It is up to you.” Dazai smiles. “But I promise you. If you join, you will no longer be bothered by anything from your past. Because no past can touch that place.”

“Where is the place?”

Dazai smiles with pride. Then he opens his arms invitingly.

And he says them, those words that will change the future and decide its fate.

“The name? That organization is called…”

The Day I Picked up Dazai – Side A – THE END.

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azilastuff · 2 years

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The Day I Picked Up Dazai - Side A (5)

Read Previous Parts Here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

This is the translation from page 52 to page 62 of Side A of the Dazai novel which was given out as free bonus for those who come to the cinema to watch the BEAST live action movie in Japan.

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- This post contains spoilers. If you plan to read the novel later yourself and think this would ruin your expectation, please stop here.

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...

A series of pictures float in and out of my mind.

A coffee shop. A blue rain leaving water droplets on the glass of the store. A novel with only the first and the middle volume.

Regret. Blood patterns on the wall.

“There is no mercy in this world.”

That is the voice of the younger me.

That’s right. No-one can forgive themselves. I will not forgive myself either.

Last volume of the novel.

“Writing novels is writing people.”

The man with the mustache. There is a ring of truth in his voice. Or perhaps I just want to believe that.

To answer that question, I have set my foot on a long track.

One day in a room with a view of the ocean, I will walk to my desk and…

When I wake up, I can’t tell where I am right away.

There is a wall in front of me. A bare concrete wall. A dark and damp wall, with black marks of water dripping, staining the color of the material. I can see nothing else. Even if I turn my head around, all I can see is that wall. I cannot turn my body.

I am being tied to a chair.

“Before we start, let me tell you this.” There is a voice behind my back. I have heard this voice before. “I don’t like violence.”

I remember whose voice that is. That is the older cop who came to my house.

“I don’t like it when people use violence. I don’t like to use it either. So just think about this as business.”

Sound of something cutting through the wind.

An intense pain gouges into my back the very next moment. My skin tears off, my bones crack.

Something hard has struck my back. A baton, a gun grip, or probably a blackjack.

The attacker is still out of my sight. There is only pain that shoots through my nerves and pierces into my brain.

“It works, right?” the guy starts speaking. His voice is soft, as if he is lecturing a kid. “I went easy on you. I know very well how much pain one can tolerate, and at what point it will become unbearable. I have wielded this for decades.”

“There are still things you don’t know.” I say.

The man’s voice goes silent for a second, then he speaks in a hard voice. “What?”

“You don��t know how to torture.” I say. “If you are going to hurt your victim, you have to ask questions first. What’s the point of hurting them before you ask? You’re just tiring both of us out.”

I can sense a snort of laughter.

Following that is another blow, this time close to my neck. A flash bounces through my entire body. Starting from my neck, the pain feels as if every single nerve in my body is being pulled out. This one is stronger than the last.

“You are right, young man. This is not a textbook interrogation.” says the voice behind my back. “But there are times when everything should be done according to the textbook, and there are times when it should not. I know that much. This is just a preparation for you to open your mouth more smoothly later. So, rest assured.”

“Good to know.” I say, keeping my eyes on the wall. “So let’s get back to the main point… If it’s about those counterfeit notes, I know absolutely nothing.”

The notes that Dazai was carrying. The source of all this. The huge bomb that Dazai, the messenger of calamity, has brought in.

It is not a surprise that such perfect notes can get intelligent agencies of other countries involved.

However, the guy’s reaction after that betrays all of my expectations.

“… counterfeit notes?”

That voice with a question mark attached to it floats unreliably and fluffily in the air, before it unravels and disappears.

My instinct tells me that it is a voice of perplexity.

“You don’t know about the fake money?” I ask. “Isn’t that what you are after, the counterfeit money and Dazai?” “That friend of yours is called Dazai? Who is he?”

I am going to say Port Mafia, but I shallow the words back in my throat. I should not tell them about Dazai’s identity if the money is not what they are after.

“There seems to be some misunderstandings here. I should clear that up first. We are here for you.”

“What?”

“Where’s the painting?”

The guy asks in a hard, commanding tone. I quietly think about what he means, then I answer.

“What do you mean by “painting”?”

“You know what it is.”

His voice is assertive and solemn, the voice of someone pushing another off a cliff.

“You guys stole a painting from a house you visited on business a long time ago. We are looking for it.”

“I have not a single idea what you are talking about.” I say. “Are you sure you are not mistaking me for someone else?”

Before I can finish my sentence, another blow comes down. This time on my shoulder. I can feel my veins breaking. Every part of my body from my neck down to my fingertips become numb.

“I’m not. We don’t make mistakes like that.” The guy’s voice is preserving, as if he is suppressing the emotions with his will power. “You were a member of that organization. Those cold-blooded guys who take money and kill in return. I don’t know what kind of thing you did in there, but I guess you were probably just a treasurer or a liaison. Because you are only a postman with no presence now. However, that organization itself was a big shot. You can even call it a legend. Before it suddenly disbanded and vanished seven years ago, it was a synonym of “fear” in “that” side of the world. We searched for the organization and somehow ended up finding only you. The other members have completely disappeared, as if they never existed in the first place.”

“I don’t want to talk about that organization.” I say.

“You will, young man. You will soon, whether you want to or not.”

I can hear the plonk of the club behind my back as he plays with it in his hands. “That painting is worth 500 million yen. One billion if you are lucky. If you need it, we can even give you a share. You won’t be able to handle it anyway.”

“You are making a mistake.” I say quietly. “It’s true that I know about said organization. I was a member of it for a while. But I don’t know about that painting. Not a little bit.”

“If you don’t know anything about it, is it possible that other members have hidden the painting?”

“Very likely so.”

The man sighs. His voice after that sounds five years older. “It’s always like this. We walk around like hungry stray dogs, following the scent of food and sticking our noses to the ground. And when we think we have finally got there, the food has long been trucked off to another place. We again, twitch our noses and chase after the smell of the truck through the dry wilderness. Again and again.”

“I am sorry for that.” I say.

In fact, it is half true when I say that. After all, they have kidnapped Dazai, just because he happens to be with me. Dazai is not a person you should treat like an add-on for your mail-order stuff. Not in any sense. He is a Port Mafioso, and as I imagine, a very important one at that. It is too late to do anything, now that they have already kidnapped him. Even if they wash him clean, mend his clothes, and return him sparkling new respectfully with their heads low, Port Mafia will not forgive that. They will use an electric excavator to level flat the back of the heads of those who are kneeling on the ground begging for forgiveness.

Therefore, the doom for these kidnappers is already decided. The question now is whether Dazai and I will be doomed too.

I cannot talk about Port Mafia. That is no good. If they know that Dazai is a Port Mafioso, these guys will literally shrivel up. They will curse their own stupidity and try to cover it up with yet another stupidity. In other words, they will bury the two of us under deep concrete, and use the little time they have before being found out to escape to the other side of the world. There is no other way.

That is why I have to keep Dazai as my “mysterious friend”.

“Now that you have all the information you need to tell the story.” The man speaks in a chilly voice, “All you have to do is to chirp beautifully. If you need a little help there, I don’t mind giving it my best to assist.”

He sounds somewhat happy. I can hear him slamming the club into his own hand. At this rate, I will be the one who has his bones crushed. (TN: There is a play of words here. The cop is using the expression 粉骨砕身, to say that he will try his best, but the kanji translated directly to “crushed bones and smashed flesh”, so Oda is using the same wording to talk about his own situation right now.)

“What if I don’t talk?” I ask.

“You will regret it. Like a criminal who just receives a warrant, wishing that he would have sung honestly when he was asked to come voluntarily earlier.”

He is about to say something else, but his radio rings before he can.

“What’s up?” he picks up the radio. I cannot hear what they are saying, but I can sense the urgency in his tone. “Got it. I’ll be right there. Handcuff them.”

He hangs up, his footsteps getting farther away. After walking a few steps, the man says from a distance. “I will give you some time to think about it. No one is coming to help you. This is an evacuation bunker built during the old war. It’s time to make a choice. You can become rich, or become a corpse for the rats to feast on. I hope you make the right decision for everyone to be happy.”

***

Dazai returns to the cell when I have just finished checking the shape of the fingernails on my two cuffed hands for the fiftieth time.

“Hey, it’s been a while.” Dazai says with an indistinct smile that is not at the very least different from before he was kidnapped.

I look at Dazai and ask, “You were not tortured?”

“Torture? Ah! So that was torture?” Dazai says, somewhat cheerful. “I was tied up and surrounded by two guys. But they left before doing anything. They were dragged away by their friends. I just told them something useful, and they started crying and hitting each other, saying they didn’t want to die.”

“I see. What did you tell them?”

“I can tell you… But do you really want to know?” Dazai smiles like a sea monster from the underworld.

I give it a little thought and say, “I will pass.”

It is a temporary cell used to keep the prisoners in the war. Originally, it must have been a simple nap room inside the bunker to protect yourself from air strikes and such. The room is about the size of a hotel room, with only a rusty bed frame fixed to the end. The entrance door has been replaced by an iron door with fresh welding marks, and there is a thick chain used for boat anchoring and a huge lock hanging from the doorknob. A number of black power lines are wrapped around the hooks lining up on the wall, leading to the murky cage lamp at the back of the room. That is the only light source. There is no air conditioning, so the air in the room is unclean.

“What do you think they are?” I ask.

“A criminal organization.” Dazai speaks nonchalantly, jingling his own handcuffs.

“But they are different from big settings like Port Mafia. Just a small group that will vanish with just a blow. However, its origin is a little interesting. Have you ever heard about an organization called “48”?”

I shake my head after giving it some thoughts, “No.”

“This is actually my first time meeting them too. They are harder to spot than any other criminal organization. It is almost impossible. Even if a great purge is to happen and this Yokohama turns into a clean paradise, they will still survive and continue to commit crimes. It is because they are an organization made up entirely of former cops.”

I narrow my eyes.

“Officers from local stations, special forces members who were dishonorably discharged. Corrupted cops released from prison after their arrests. Police of external affairs who are on the list of distrusted agents. This is a small but robust labyrinth organization built by police personnel who, for various reasons, have fallen from the tower of public servants through utilizing the skills, connections, and knowledge from their former jobs. There are a lot of theories about the name “48” but the most popular one is that it’s because the police have to refer a case to the public prosecutor within forty eight hours of arrest.

“That means the cops who came to our house were fake, but they used to be real cops too?” I say while recalling my memory. “But how do you know?”

“You couldn’t tell? Their gestures somehow revealed their past history, and every word they say is mixed with the terms used when they were still in the police.”

I track my memory.

Now that he mentions it, the guy who tortured me said this before he left, “You will regret it. Like a criminal who just receives a warrant, wishing that he would have sung honestly when he was asked to come voluntarily earlier.” He used a police shorthand to refer to “voluntary accompaniment”, and “sing” is a term used by the police for “confess”. I guess they just use the words that they are familiar with when talking to their friends.

“What they are good at is blackmailing people using the connections from their former jobs, diverting seized goods to sell on black market, and leaking inside information about the police. They are the fallen ex-heroes. Although the scale of their activities is small, many of them have received real trainings, thus are formidable. There are many criminal organizations in Yokohama, but this “48” is hated by both the police and other organizations.”

“You sure know a lot.”

“Not really. Unfortunately, I don’t know what they are up to.” Dazai says as he leans against the wall. “They said they were looking for a painting. Do you have any idea?”

I look at Dazai, then I say. “No.”

Dazai looks at me. Those eyes are like the bottomless see at night. Dark, cruel, quiet, endlessly sucking people in and never letting go.

Those eyes are looking at every corner of my expression. I feel like my each and every single cell is being observed.

I wonder how long we stay silent like that. Suddenly, Dazai opens his mouth and speaks in a serious tone.

“You do have a hint, don’t you?”

I let my gaze wander through the air, then look at a scenery of the past that is not here. I want a cigarette so bad. “Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.” I say, sitting down next to Dazai. “No matter what those guys say, that painting is no longer in anyone’s hand. It is in a place that it will never be moved from. That painting is not going anywhere, at least not during my lifetime.”

“Why?”

“Because I decided so.”

Dazai tries to say something, but he stops. Then he lets his gaze wander somewhere else, as if he is looking for an answer.

“Got it”, Dazai says, looking forward. “Then let’s end this conversation here and talk about what we are going to do next.”

I find it strange that Dazai retreated so meekly. If he can make me spill out the whereabout of the painting, Dazai can get out of here without a scratch. But Dazai’s eyes are quiet, inside them is a gentle indifference of someone who has already made up his mind. I cannot tell the reason though.

“So, what are we doing next?”

“Jailbreak.” I assert. “I have no reason to stay in this kind of place anymore.”

“That is a good idea.” Dazai says, holding up his two hands. “But how?”

We are both handcuffed. These handcuffs are not toys or replicas, they are the real things used by the cops. On top of it, there is a lock on the entrance too. I saw the guy who brought Dazai here just now locking the door. There is no mistaking it.

“I have something that can get us out of here.” I say. “But there is also one thing that I can’t do anything about. Reason.”

“Reason?”

”You don’t want to escape, do you?”

Dazai looks at me with a puzzled look on his face. Then he says, “Are you going to help me?”

“I thought I would, but you have no reasons to do so. No reasons to accompany me and get out of here.”

Dazai looks around. “You are right. I can still kill myself if I stay here. So never mind me. Just escape by yourse…”

“I will take you with me even if I have to put a rope on your neck.”

Dazai looks at me, surprised.

“You… Are you actually a pushy guy?”

“When it comes to things that I have decided to do.” I say, focusing my attention on the signs outside. There seems to be no one on the other side of the door.

“What makes you do this?”

“I don’t like these guys.”

I say decisively. Dazai makes a surprised face again. “48? Why? Because they used to be cops? Or because they are aiming for the painting?

“Things like that.” I answer briefly, ending the conversation. “Dazai, if I ask, will you come with me?”

“Well, I wonder. I’m not that kind of nice guy who listen to others’ requests that easily. Everyone has a hard time getting me to do anything. What can you offer?”

I have to admit, those words are out of my expectation.

“You think that I can give you what you want?”

“I don’t know.” Dazai smiles as if he has given up. “I really don’t know. I have never met anyone like you before. That’s why I’m asking you.”

I start thinking.

I have a hint of what Dazai is looking for. But I don’t have it on hand to give it to him.

However…

_The only thing I want now, is death._

_Why do we have to die?_

“Dazai”, I say. “As soon as we get out of here, let’s go to “that place”. Right away. It’s not that far away.”

Dazai’s eyes are wide open. “You say “that place”? That you-are-a-fool-if-you-don’t-go-before-you-die place?”

“Yes.”

Dazai blinks and looks at me. I look straight back into his eyes.

I am not sure why but it reminds me of something from a long time ago. From when I was a boy.

“Dazai… You are right. There is no good or bad in wanting to die. Because there seems to be many important things in this world, but in reality, there is nothing that important. Life and death don’t even matter at all. The place we are going to is probably not going to live up to your expectations. Maybe you will find only rocks, scraps of paper, and things of such value there.”

Dazai stares blankly at me, as if he cannot believe what is happening in front of his eyes.

I look at the palm of my hand. I touch it with my finger, feeling the sensation. I touch a few more places, as a mean to buy time, until I finally say the last words.

“But what if it is different?”

Silence.

I have never tried to get this close to anyone’s heart before. I don’t feel like I did it well. But strangely enough, I do not regret it that much. Even if I don’t say it here and now, I will probably say it to Dazai somewhere sometime in the future. I feel that.

Dazai does not say anything. He just sighs, and looks into a distance with his arms crossed behind his head, as if he is considering. The chain clanks. “I too, have been caught by a person who says pretty foolish things.” Then he turns to the side to hide his expression and glances at me sideways. “Secret place, right…? If you have asked that much, it’s not like I can’t go with you.”

I lift my eyebrows, “You are not being honest.”

“It’s not that! It’s not that I’m not honest or anything! It’s not like I… expect that much!”

I scratch my head. “Then let’s do it this way. If you die here, I will build a tomb for you. And your tombstone will read, “Here lies Dazai, the man who never beats Oda Sakunosuke at poker.”

Dazai looks at me dumbfounded. Then he opens his mouth wide and says. “Th.. that’s not good! Alright! It cannot be helped then. Let’s break out of this prison.”

Dazai stands up, holds up his hand and snaps his fingers.

The handcuffs, which are supposed to be tightly fastened, fall off smoothly like a magic trick.

“You took them off from the beginning, didn’t you?”

“A little bit, with the metal wire I found over there.”

“Will that work on the door lock too?”

“Of course.” Dazai says as if it is nothing. Then he suddenly realizes something and turns to me. “No way… when you said you had something that can get us out of here, you were talking about me with this?”

I shrug, “After nursing you for a few days, the chains that bound your legs to the bed was stealthily unlocked. It seems like they have been stacked up to deceive me though.”

“What? I have been found out? How boring.” Dazai pouts.

Dazai takes my handcuffs, sticks the tiny wire inside the keyhole and starts turning it. Immediately, there is a dry metallic sound as the internal mechanism disengages. The handcuffs drop to my feet.

“How long has it been, I wonder? To have somewhere I want to go.” Dazai smiles as he rubs his wrists. “I have a feeling that even if there is nothing at that place, it will be fine as it is. Come on, let’s get out of here quickly and get some good fresh air.”

….

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azilastuff · 2 years

Text

I need Odasaku.

The Day I Picked Up Dazai Spoilers (1)

I translated the first few pages of the new Dazai novel, which was given out as free bonus for those who come to the cinema to watch the BEAST live action movie in Japan.

Please carefully read the notes below before progressing.

- This post contains spoilers. It is not a summary, but a full translation of the first few pages of novel. So if you plan to read the novel later yourself and think this would ruin your expectation, please stop here.

· I tried to keep the translation as accurate as possible, but as I don't speak English or Japanese as my native language, I may make some mistakes or use weird words etc. This translation might not be final. I may come back and fix it later if I find any mistakes.

· This is a moviegoers-only benefit, so please be extra careful when discussing it about on Twitter. Use a #spoiler tag on your tweets or your fanarts. You can share the links to this post but don't take many screenshots. Don't retranslate it. Don’t repost this anywhere else out of Tumblr.

· DON’T GO TO THE AUTHORS’ OR OFFICIAL TWITTERS TO COMMENT ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF IT.

I'm sorry if that's too much but honestly all I want is for everyone to have a good experience, for those who wants to read the novels to be able to read the novels, and for those who don't want to be spoiled, to be safe from it as much as possible.

If you have read and are okay with all the above, please continue to move forward and enjoy the novel. Have a good day!

A bloody corpse of a young man is lying on my front porch.

I look down at the corpse, then at the front of the house. It is a quiet morning. The apartment across the street is casting a long black shadow on the pavement in front of me. The trumpet vines planted in the hedge are rustling in the breeze, and whispering to each other in a way that human cannot decipher. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear the sound of the long-distance trucks scraping against the road surface. And there is a corpse in the middle of the stairs in front of me.

In any case, to our eyes, a corpse is always a strangely exaggerated presence. But this time it is different. This corpse blends in with the landscape, becoming one with the everyday peaceful morning scenery. After a while, I realize the reason. The corpse’s chest is moving up and down faintly. It is not a corpse, it is alive.

I look at the young man. He is all black. A high-collar black cloak, a three-piece suit, a black tie. The things that are not black are his button-down shirt, and the bandages around his head. This one is a mottled color of white and red. This color pattern reminds me of some ominous Chinese prophetic characters. The place he is lying, is the middle of the stairs that leads to the front porch. The blood stains continuing down the cracked concrete stairs looks like he has been crawling.

Question. What should I do with this nearly-corpse in front of my eyes?

The answer is simple. If I touch him with the tip of my toes and put some weight on him, he will just roll down to the ground below. If I do so, then he will not be on my premise anymore. He will be on a public road. The country’s territory. All those who are in trouble within the territory of the country should be saved by the mercy of the country. An ordinary postman like me should go home and have breakfast.

I am not doing that because I am a cold and heartless person. I am doing that because it is a survival necessity. The young man’s wounds are clearly from gunshots. He has been shot multiple times. There are probably more holes in his body than I can see from here. And to top it all off, he is holding a bunch of new notes in his left hand.

What can this mean? Nothing. It means nothing, except that his existence is a huge trouble, and that nothing good will come out of getting involved with him. In other words, he is clearly not someone that an average citizen should get involved with. A normal person in his right mind should have fled to the next city at the sight of him. Just like Jonah in the Bible would do the second time he runs into a giant fish in a stormy sea.

I look at the young man, at the road, and the sky, and at him again.

And then I start to act. First, I approach the guy and lift him up by his sides. Then I drag him by his heels into the house and lay him down on the wall-mounted bed. He is much lighter than he looks. Carrying him alone is not that much of a trouble. I check his wounds. There are many deep wounds, and the bleeding is not usual, but if he receives immediate proper treatment, it is not like he will die.

I take out my medical kit box from the back of the closet, and give him some simple first aid treatments. I put a towel under his upper body, cut his clothes with a pair of scissors to expose the wounds, and check if there is any bullet left inside. In order to stop the blood flow, I apply pressure on the pressure points: below the armpits, inner elbows, ankles, backs of knees, and tie them tightly with a clean cloth. Then I put disinfected tourniquets to the wounds to stop the bleeding. Fortunately for him, I can do this kind of first aid even with my eyes closed.

After I am done with the treatments, I look down at the young man and cross my arms. His breathing has stabilized. His respiratory system and bones seem to be intact. But he does not seem to be waking up. “It’s fine already, just kick him out.” I can hear the voice in my head. There is nothing more stupid than treating a suspicious guy like this. I guess I should listen to that voice. That is what a wise man would do.

Before following the angels’ advice, I take another look at the young man. I don’t recognize his face. Probably not someone I know. I say probably, because the bandages covering half of his face makes it almost impossible to make out his features. But he is much younger than what I first thought. He is probably young enough to pass as a “boy”.

Then I remember the wad of cash he was holding. He is still holding them. If it is actually as much as it looks, it must be a fortune for someone with a miserably cheap wage like me. In this situation, it should be okay to have some of them gently transferred to my pocket as a thank for saving his life, right? Thinking so, I pick up the wad of notes. And now I finally realize that I am the biggest idiot in this town.

I feel a bitter taste spreading inside my mouth.

That is an unused bundle of notes. There is some blood on them, but the paper strap, the proof that they are new, is there. There is no bank’s name printed on the strap. There is no printing of any kind. And the notes are neatly lined up by serial numbers in ascending order.

I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach.

There are two possibilities that I can think of. First, this bundle of notes has been taken out of the Reserve Bank of Japan Mint, before it hits the market. That would mean this man is a plague. There is no chance that an ordinary person could get his hands on such a thing. The notes printed at Japan Mint are first sent to the Ministry of Finance, where their serial numbers are scanned to become usable notes. Then they will be sent in cash transport vehicles to branches of the Reserve Bank. From there, they continue to be subdivided and distributed to city banks. At that point, the straps will be switched with those of the city banks.

However, there is no printing on his trap at all. The only way to be able to carry out a wad of notes in that state is to steal it from the Reserve Bank. The most likely way is to attack a cash transport car. Could it be that he just returned from a raid like that?

But if so, I will just stroke my chest in relief, and go back to making coffee in my kitchen. The cash car robbers are violent guys, but only violent. Violence alone cannot make a storm.

There is another possibility.

These are counterfeit notes. I take out a magnifying glass from the back of the room, and carefully examine the wad of notes in my hand. I become complete chilled that my fingers are tingling. I try comparing them with the notes in my own wallet. I can’t tell the difference at all.

A supernote.

I feel dizzy.

If that is the case, the thing in my hand right now has become as dangerous as a small nuclear warhead. Counterfeit currency is a tool of warfare that has been used way before bows and arrows. If one can bring an amount of well-made false currency into an enemy country, the value of that currency will drop due to the increase amount of money in circulation, leading to inflation. A country is, in a sense, its own currency. By skillfully fueling distrust in a country’s currency, it is possibly to destroy the economy and bring down a whole nation. For that reason, the National Security Agency is always on the lookout for counterfeit notes. If this level of a note is to be brought into the market, it would not be the city police’s business. It is much higher. The National Security Agency, or the Military.

I put the wad of notes on my desk as if I am throwing them away. I don’t want to leave my fingerprints on them anymore. I head to the phone. If I report the incident right away, I might be able to argue for some extenuating circumstances with the authorities. There is no time to waste.

When I pick up the receiver, I hear a faint voice. It isn’t coming from the phone.

“Put the phone down.”

I turn to the direction where the voice came from. Before I knew it, the young man has opened his eyes and is looking at me with those eyes. I look at the receiver and the youth in turn. Then I say, “What if I don’t?”

“I kill you.”

Those words are as mediocre as the unsold leftover packs lining up in a deli, at least to this young man. I can tell from looking at his eyes. When he utters the word “kill”, it is nothing more than an ordinary, everyday word for him. Just like cutting your nails, or going out to buy more cigarettes, those kinds of words.

“How?” I put down the receiver, but I have not returned it to the base station. Then I say, “You’ve got holes all over your body. You can’t move anything. You’re dying everywhere. You don’t even have a gun. To kill me in that condition, it would take two hundred of you.”

“I don’t need that much.” He says with a chilled voice. “I’m Port Mafia.”

Those words only are enough.

“Port Mafia”, I carefully choose my words before saying “Then I have no choice but to obey.” Then I take my time and quietly put the receiver down.

“That’s good,” he chuckles.

If he really is from Port Mafia, I would have to be careful even about lifting or lowering a spoon in front of him. When the opponent is the Port Mafia, the synonym of darkness and violence, even if I report this and manage to escape today, there is no telling what will come later. A human being has a total of about two hundred bones. But it would not be strange if I will be shredded into just as many pieces of flesh.

I stare at him for about three seconds. Then I go to the kitchen. I keep the door open so that I can watch him from there. I start making coffee in the kitchen. I put the kettle on the fire and wet the rod with some water. I add the coffee powder, and pour boiling water in.

“If I’m not allowed to call the police, what about the doctors?” I say, keeping my eyes on the water.

“What I’ve done is just emergency first aids at best. If you don’t get checked by a proper doctor, you will die soon.”

“No need to worry.” The young man speaks with a slightly stretched out voice. “This much is no big deal. I’m used to injuries.”

“Is that so? Then I will obey.” I stir the coffee and set a timer. “In any case, there is no way a normal postman like me can go against the Port Mafia demons.”

“Being obedient is good. So next…”

Suddenly, the young man starts coughing and vomits blood. I quickly run up to him and turn his head to the side so that he will not choke on his own blood. I check inside his mouth. I can’t tell where the bleeding is from in this situation. It could be just a cut inside his mouth, or it could be an internal injury. I don’t know.

“Go to the hospital. Get treatments. You are really going to die.” I state.

“It’s perfect then.” he speaks like whispering. “Just let me die like this.”

I feel a chilled wind passing through me.

I look at the young man. He is just staring at the ceiling. No emotions, no intents. Just a flat expression, like one who is just telling his age. I cannot believe my own eyes. I don’t even feel like there is a human there. If it was late night, I would think that he was a ghost or a hallucination.

Crazy things keep happening today. My life is about to get screwed up it seems.

“Fine then.” I say. “If you want to die, just die. It’s your own life. I won’t stop you. But I will be in trouble if you die here. If you die here, no one will be able to testify that I am not the one who caused your injuries. I might be arrested.”

“To be arrested, or to be killed by Port Mafia later, which one is better?’

I stare at him while saying, “That’s a hard question.”

I go back to the kitchen, wait for the timer and turn off the fire. I then take out the cream can and ask, “You want some coffee?”

No answer.

“How did you collapse in front of my house?”

Still no answer.

“What the heck are those notes in your hand?”

No answer for this one of course.

I feel as if I’m talking to a wind fairy. A character from a picture book who suddenly came to my house on a peaceful morning. Just that he is covered in blood, and he wants to die.

I pour coffee into two cups and add in the cream. I watch the steam, wait for some time and start stirring. Then I notice that I can’t feel the sign of anyone in the next room anymore. I can’t even hear him breathing. No hint of death drifting either.

I poke my head out of the door, the cups still in my hand. The young man is crawling towards the front door. If he could move his legs, he would just walk out. But it looks like he hasn’t got that much strength back, so he just has his arms hooked on the floor and slowly creeping forward. Just like a prisoner escaping from cell in those old war movies.

He notices my gaze, and then as if he has given up, a mocking smile appears on his face.

“You don’t want me to die in this house, do you? Then if I leave, you’ll have nothing to do with it. No need to help me. No need to ponder anything. Just stay there and watch.”

I ask him, still holding the coffee, “Do you want to die that much?”

“Of course I do. I joined the Port Mafia, but there was still nothing.” replies the young man in a voice that sounds like a soul-deprived gasp. “The only thing I want now, is death.”

Then he starts crawling again.

I take a sip of my coffee while watching that. His progress is pathetically slow. I take another sip. He keeps moving without a rest. He has no intent to look back at me anymore.

There is only one thing to do.

“It’s no use to stop me.” The young man seems to notice my movement. He says with his eyes looking forward, “No one can go against the Port Mafia. And no one in the Port Mafia can go against me. In other words, no one can whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!??”

He is pulled backward.

I wrap him with a bed sheet and lift him up. I then twist the two ends to close it. Like a candy wrapping paper. Then I turn him upside down and carry him back.

“It hurts it hurts it hurts! My wounds are opening! What the hell are you doing, you blockhead. You want to be killed?”

“I don’t want to be killed. But I don’t want to let you die either. If you go out in this state, you will definitely die. Just make up a death story without me in it when you get better.”

As it looks like he is going to let out more complaint, I shake the lump of cloth.

“Ouch ouch! Stop it! I hate pains!!”

“Then will you give up?”

“No!”

I try to come up with a way to deal with it and I get one. Let’s tie him to the bed.

I put him down on the bed and open the pack. I bring in a big towel and wrap it around his arms, which are crossed in front of his chest, altogether with his torso. I take the decorative cord from the door way to bind his legs together and tie the ends to the metal fittings of the bed. I raise the pillows, change the blanket into a new one, and open the window to let the fresh air in.

“For the time being, until your wounds have healed, I will have you stay like that.” I look down to the young man and say “Is there anything you want?”

“My nose is itching.” He looks at me resentfully while wriggling his two arms that are no longer free.

“Poor you.” I go back to the coffee in the kitchen.

The young man’s insults are echoing behind my back. But this neighborhood is sparsely populated, so there is no need to worry about disturbing the neighbors. I enjoy my morning coffee.

And so begins the strange and short communal life of me and Dazai together.

...

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