bookstoreadbtr

[bookstoreadbtr]

CAUGHT RED-HANDED So, at the age of nineteen Dub and I had ended our sexual relationship. I do not know why it ended. We never discussed ending it we just did. Every time we met; we had sex at least once. Usually more than once. But one day he came over and nothing happened. And since that day we never had sex again. I was still heavily addicted to porn, food, and because my sex life had ended, I was masturbating even more. It was then at the age of twenty that I did something completely stupid, but to make a long story short one day in January in the year of 2003 the police were at the door and I was at the police station arrested for uploading and downloading child porn. At this moment I thought my life was over and I would never be able to do anything ever again. As I was sitting there answering their questions, I was hoping it was a nightmare and that I would wake up. The one thing that made me very angry was the fact that the police officers (two of them) openly lied to me. Their exact words were, “If you tell us everything, we will let you go (back home) and we will make sure the judge knows you cooperated with us.” So, my dumb-ass told them everything and from there I wasn’t at home I was in jail. I was angry that they lied to me so much that I quickly became a cop hater. I was signing those 1980’s hip-hop cop killer songs. But I was angrier with myself for talking to those cops. I soon was in prison and very afraid. I kept to myself and said as less as I could. Soon I was transferred to another part of the prison and was even more afraid. The one thing I hated the most about prison is how nosy everyone is. Everyone kept asking me what I was in for and I wanted to say none of your business, but I was too passive for that. People were nice to me, but soon all that crap I told the police was in the newspaper and the prisoners came to my bed and was angry with me. It was at that point I had wished I lied to them when they asked me my name. I was really afraid I was going to get either beat or raped, but thank God for His protection. After being bullied (verbally) by hypocrites (wrong is wrong, never think your wrong is less than someone else’s. If you are in jail and know you are guilty you have no right condemning anyone else) I kept to myself and decided not to eat. I went on a fast (it was supposed to help me change, but it didn’t). I began that day in prison a “forty days forty nights” fast and it was soon that I was bailed out and I was too happy.

[bookstoreadbtr]

COMING HOME

After being bailed out I was happy to be out of prison, but too ashamed to see anyone.  I did not want anyone to see me and really, I just wanted to die.  When I went back to church they welcomed me with warm arms.  I hated it though.  Knowing they knew what I did.  I was hiding it all that time and now it was all out in the open.  Not all, but many of my family members knew what happened and even they still loved me.  It was nice to know that I was loved, but I still hated what I had done and I hated that they knew.  From being in prison, I had missed the first week of school (college).  I returned for my second semester at Kean University petrified.  Thankfully the newspaper article was in a different county than Kean, but I still wasn’t sure who knew about me.  So, I hated (and even to this day) to say my name afraid they were (will) notice it from the newspaper article.  I spent basically the rest of my Kean years in fear, but to my knowledge no one knew or at least they just did not bring it up.  Actually, I believe at least three people (students I knew from high school) knew, but never mentioned it.  I had a great time at Kean, a wonderful time, really, but things only got worse (the addictions).

[bookstoreadbtr]

COURT ORDER

While I was in the process of being convicted (I plead guilty) I was ordered by the court to have counseling.  I spent a little over a year and $150 a session with a psychiatrist.  I hated every session because they weren’t working.  Mostly my fault, but he would basically ask the same questions each time; and because I still wasn’t ready to give up the addictions.  I was still looking at porn, masturbating, and well I will get to the eating later.  I did not look at child porn, but I continued to look at all the other porn previously mentioned.  I did abstain from masturbating for a period of time, but soon caved in and went for it for the first time in a long time.  So, I felt pretty bad lying to the doctor because he would ask me if I was abstaining from the porn and masturbation and I would say yes, knowing the answer was no.  It was at that point that I wasn’t so upset at the police anymore because I had just realized those lies, they told me was just what I reaped (from me lying to my mother about porn).  My mother asked me many times if I was looking at porn on the computer (prior to being arrested) and I always denied it.  So, it is really true; what goes around comes around.  And it came around hard.  So, any way I never thought that I would ever have to get help from a shrink, but there I was on the couch talking about my life and fears to a man I really did not trust; and I did not care to be there and I just wanted my life to end.

[bookstoreadbtr]

ADDICTION NUMBER FIVE

During my second semester at Kean, I was still on my fast. I had noticeably (to everyone but me) lost a lot of weight. I really wasn’t noticing the weight I was losing I was just fasting, hoping to get rid of those addictions. I know the only reason why I did not lose the addictions along with the weight was because I wasn’t praying as much and I just had this grip on my past. I just could not let go of what Dub and I did and I could not let go of the feelings I felt with him. So anyway, as I finished the fast addiction number four began. Once I began to eat again many, many, many people who saw my weight change began to commit and I begin to slowly, surely notice my weight change. Although my body wasn’t perfect it was better than it was prior to the fast. But it was because my body wasn’t perfect that I began addiction number four. I began to think “if I lost weight from not eating, I can lose the rest the same way.” So, it was then that I began to fast some more. By then it was getting easier not to eat and pas it off as fasting. People than began to get a little concerned, but I always told them don’t worry I am okay. My fasting sessions turned into anorexia. I would stop eating for long periods of time an only eat when I was with people so they would not think I was anorexic. And because of fear of being found out addiction number six was created.

[bookstoreadbtr]

[bookstoreadbtr]

JOMP BPC || May 9 || Collectable Edition: Moira’s Pen by Megan Whalen Turner from Owlcrate 

[bookstoreadbtr]

#youtube #booktube #book review

[bookstoreadbtr]

“The trees were full of crows and the woods were full of madmen. The pit was full of bones and her hands were full of wires.”

[bookstoreadbtr]

i don’t think ill ever get over how good these photos are

[bookstoreadbtr]

10/4/23

Writing. Books. Crochet. Yep, that about sums me up. Any other writing/reading/crochet friends out there?

[bookstoreadbtr]

RECO OF THE WEEK!

How Moon Fuentez Fell in Love with the Universe by Raquel Vasquez Gilliland

Synopsis:

"A romance starring a Mexican American teen who discovers love and profound truths about the universe when she spends her summer on a road trip across the country.

When her twin sister reaches social media stardom, Moon Fuentez accepts her fate as the ugly, unwanted sister hidden in the background, destined to be nothing more than her sister’s camerawoman. But this summer, Moon also takes a job as the “merch girl” on a tour bus full of beautiful influencers and her fate begins to shift in the best way possible.

Most notable is her bunkmate and new nemesis, Santiago Phillips, who is grumpy, combative, and also the hottest guy Moon has ever seen.

Moon is certain she hates Santiago and that he hates her back. But as chance and destiny (and maybe, probably, close proximity) bring the two of them in each other’s perpetual paths, Moon starts to wonder if that’s really true. She even starts to question her destiny as the unnoticed, unloved wallflower she always thought she was.

Could this summer change Moon’s life as she knows it?"

___

Check out my review on Goodreads here.

Add this book to your TBR on Goodreads here.

Add this book to your TBR on The Storygraph here.

___

Have you read this book? Would you recommend it?

___

Happy reading!

[bookstoreadbtr]

JOMP Book Photo Challenge

June 25, 2023 - Genre

[bookstoreadbtr]

JOMP Book Photo Challenge

July 26, 2023 - Non-fiction

[bookstoreadbtr]

Thought you'd like: Arctic Echoes by Casey Bell https://www.listia.com/r2y0lo7/CQDYQX

#book lovers #books #book worm #bookworm #book nerd #reading #book life #book #readers #books to read #book reader #poems #winter #reading community

[bookstoreadbtr]

blue books 💙🦋

[bookstoreadbtr]

Thought you'd like: Arctic Echoes by Casey Bell https://www.listia.com/r2y0lo7/CQDYQX

#poems #winter #books #book worm #bookworm #book nerd #reading #book life #book #readers #books to read

[bookstoreadbtr]

🌿 spring reading 🫐