fantasyfootballfiction-blog

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Week 6 Recap: Where The Chips Fall

I have to start out this slightly overdue recap of Week 6 in fantasy football with a cheesy story about my Thursday night in Charlotte. Literally, as you’ll see, it’s super cheesy.

I was seated in the Bank of America Stadium about 12 rows up, in the midst of a tense union of thundering Philadelphia Eagles diehards and contentious Carolina Panthers fans. To catch you up, the former fan base is preceded by a long-standing reputation of loud and ruthless passion, while the latter is earning a reputation for its crude hostility toward away teams. Some say that Carolina fans perceive losses as honorably as their franchise quarterback, Cam Newton, does; I don’t think I need to remind you of his post-Super Bowl press conference to show you what I mean.

It was the start of the Third Quarter, and the game was certainly not going the way the home crowd had boasted it would. Carson Wentz would soon complete his second touchdown pass to Zach Ertz and take the lead, resulting in a friction of Eagles victory chants and hostile Panthers boos that would take the fan conference from reasonably tense to uncomfortably warlike. It would lead to several drunken fights, like the one buzzing around the news last Thursday, which showed an older man getting punched in the face by an aggressor in a Newton jersey. Luckily, I didn’t see any Cam fans throw fists, but what I did see probably should have had its own headline.

For our purposes, and because it’s a great title, we’ll call it Nachogate.

I was seated behind a mild-mannered Eagles fan and his bad-tempered girlfriend - well, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was afflicted by the medical condition known as “hangriness”. Her green-and-white decked-out boyfriend eventually heeded complaints of cranky-hunger, and braced the concession stands for something he thought his girl would really like. A heaping paper-boat of chips, cheese, beans, and sour cream. Who doesn’t love nachos?

I’ll tell you who: Carolina Panthers fans.

As he made his way back up the stands with the prized game snack, a subliminal thought within him must have awaken to warn that there was danger up ahead. I’m speculating this to be the case because he waltzed right past his row. His girlfriend’s eyes followed the steaming nachos as they traveled two rows too far, and she reached out to grab its courier’s ankles, exclaiming, “hey!! where you going with my nachos??!”

Looking back, he probably should have broken away and continued going up. But like a good boyfriend and an innocent man who truly has no idea what is coming next, he says “Oh, my bad” and turns back around to his ticketed seat.

Before he has even fully sat down, his, um, really grateful lady snatches the boat of cheesy goodness with both hands and he returns his attention to the game. Finally able to relax, he settles in to watch the Eagles try and pull ahead in the tied game. Meanwhile, his girlfriend lifts a conjoining nacho chip to her mouth and takes a bite, her crunches and resulting mmmm-s almost imperceptible under her boyfriend’s defiant cheers.

It’s now 2nd and 10, and the fans are on the edge of their seats - particularly the two Panthers fans seated directly next to the voracious girlfriend; one, a college-aged kid yelling “DEFENSE!” and the other a middle-aged woman, seemingly the boy’s mom, who already looks uncomfortable to be there. As the girlfriend sifts through her nacho mountain for another cheesy chip, the Eagles offensive squad lines up before Carson Wentz. She then lifts a messy bite toward her mouth, and at that very moment, before she even completes the bite, Carson Wentz successfully completes the best touchdown pass of the night. TOUCHDOWN EAGLES! Her boyfriend’s reacts to the victorious play like any fan would, roaring and flying into standing position, his fists pumping the air, launching one right into…

Yup, you know what. The nachos.

In the same burst of energy as the touchdown celebration that is now reverberating through the stadium, the chips are sent flying into the air like yellow white and brown confetti, raining shredded lettuce on the nearby seats and landing a hurricane of warm cheddar sauce directly on… oh yes, you guessed it.. those Panthers fans next door.

The worst part is that they didn’t yell, or even really say a word. Their reaction was more of shock and imploding anger. I don’t think I truly understood tension, not until I experienced the dead silence that followed the nacho shower. Did a touchdown even just happen? Did Carson Wentz just push me into a fantasy bonus? I already forgot. Time and space froze, and nothing else mattered... well, aside from the ill-timed complaint of the girlfriend that brought us all back to reality. “I only got to eat two chips!!” she exclaimed.

Red-faced and still in a state of disbelief, the mother and son duo looked like they just teleported from a Nacho factory explosion. The blonde boy wore fresh sour cream down the side of his tightly-trimmed beard, while the mother’s hair was soaked in the bean topping. The boyfriend, who I had started referring to in my head as Nacho-Knuckles, issued repeated nervous apologies to the mother, son, and his still hangry girlfriend.

Meanwhile, my section had consumed too many beers to not audibly react to one of the best incidents we’d ever see at a football game in our lifetimes. Laughter ensued, despite how much I sympathized with this poor guy that really just wanted to shut up his girlfriend and enjoy the game. 

And while it may seem like none of this has a thing to do with fantasy or actual football, I ensure that there’s a metaphor somewhere inside this shocking incident.

It leads me to an old, but important saying, which is to let the nacho chips fall where they may. I might have revised the wording that a little, still, let’s take a closer look at that statement. Your fantasy team is like a delicious nacho. If it’s anything like the nachos at the sports bar where I work, you can add to it, or take things away from it that you don’t like. You can also make substitutions. Essentially, you build it to perfection. Sometimes, though, even if you build it just the way you want, with the components that you think will be great; even if you turn heads from those who see what you’ve built and say “damn, that nacho looks good,” you can still have it knocked out of your hands. Some weeks, I’m the one knocking out someone’s nacho; other weeks, I’m the one getting soaked in nacho rain. The important part is that no matter what, I pick up the pieces, I analyze how I could’ve assemble the building blocks better, and I never stop trying to build the perfect layers of a great team.

Moral of this amazing story is, the halfway point in the fantasy season is approaching, and now is the time to assess your building blocks and make the changes necessary to become a playoff contender.

Look, whether or not I just made the most ridiculous analogy in all of fantasy blog history, I somehow found wisdom in the aftermath of Nachogate. My team may have looked a lot like a bunch of crushed chips a couple weeks ago, but the fact is that despite my challenging start to the season, I’m on the up and up again. The fact is, I will rebuild. Also fact, you really want nachos right now.

Puns, jokes, and analogies about those cheesy layers of tortilla chips aside, let’s review my awards for last week’s performances.

Week 6 Award CHER-emony (this is the line up I would have started, based on last week, if I could turn back time)

QB 1: Kirk Cousins
 RB 1: Melvin Gordon RB 2: Mark Ingram WR 1: Antonio Brown WR 2: Larry Fitzgerald FLEX: Adrian Peterson TE: Zach Ertz D/ST: New Orleans Saints Kicker: Ryan Succop

#fantasyfootball #week6 #recap #nachos #story #panthers #eagles

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Procrastinator Advice for Week 7

Did I miss an entry this week? Actually, it’s still coming. I have a compelling story to tell, and it will post here shortly, but first, let me throw this advice out there to anyone scrambling to make last minute line up decisions before 1:00 kickoff. May your lineups be as on point as Mark Ingram’s touchdown dance.

Five Terrible Recommendations for Week 7

1. Tight end problems? Pick up Evan Engram. The Giants have exhausted all but one feasible option for Eli Manning to get the ball to. He put up an impressive showing last Monday as New York grabbed its first win of the season. With Odell Beckham, Brandon Marshall, and Sterling Shepard sharing the sideline, it appears highly likely that he’ll maintain his involvement in the offense, even while facing a tough matchup with Seattle this week. 2. Don’t call it a fluke thing; New Orleans defense is an actual candidate for your DS/T slot. The Saints D looks more like their number one ranked preseason defense, strongly evidenced in that high scoring game against the Lions last Sunday and from the consistent fantasy points over the past two weeks. I like the prospect of NO facing Brett Hundley instead of Aaron Rogers in Green Bay, and it should be advantageous for your lineups.  3. I got a feeling that you should start Adam Thielen. Thielen is a solid receiver with an impressive number of receptions and receiving yards; the only factor that took away from his production this season was the rise of Stefon Diggs, but as Diggs is continuing to battle an injury from week 5, I expect him to be one of the weeks best FLEX, if not WR2 options. 4. Bench Demarco Murray. Yeah, I procrastinated on writing this, so I’m aware that he was cleared to start. But if I’ve learned one thing this year, it’s that injuries are bound to happen literally all the time. Murray is already banged up, and doesn’t need any help getting put away by a bad hamstring. That’s gonna be a no for me, dog. 5. Stream defenses and kickers. Every single week. Defenses in week 6 combined to score the most touchdowns since 1998, and this seems to be a trend. Ryan Succop alone kicked me 21 points. Never underestimate the value of these positions. Since many of our teams have been equally handicapped with injuries, it is highly possible that one of these  roster positions could make or break your success. This week, I’m going to go ahead and say that your best options are The Vikings, The Saints, and The Bills; Ryan Succop, Will Lutz, and Stephen Gotkowski.

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Even bloggers need a BYE week. heading to Thursday Night Football at Bank of America Stadium. see you next Thursday 👋👋👋

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Are you or a loved one living with a Fantasy Football Disorder?

If so, you may be entitled to my consolation.

Last Sunday, while switching back and forth between Fantasy Apps on my phone, scanning a sports bar’s wall of TVs for Red Zone action, and simultaneously receiving merciless trash talk from my opponents, I felt all the signs and symptoms of a condition that affects millions of fantasy football owners.

You, too, may have experienced these before:

Increased heart rate. Rapid breathing. Sweating. Irritability. Racing Thoughts. Loss of appetite. Confusion.

If you have felt any of all of the above symptoms, then you may be living with Fanxiety.

First off, do not be ashamed; Fanxiety is a condition found in 1 out of 3 owners who play fantasy football. If you suspect that you or an opponent are affected, there are certain telltale signs; have you or a loved one displayed these common behaviors recently?

- Slamming, throwing, or submerging a smartphone following a bad play - Yelling utter nonsense at the TV like “F**k you, Chris Collinsworth!!” - Making desperate trade offers and resorting to begging with your league to accept them - Realizing you forgot to set your lineup before the London game and smashing your alarm clock - Picking up O.J. Simpson off waivers because you can’t sustain another injury - Grabbing your friend, looking him in the eye, and shrieking “Why do we put ourselves through this????”

If these sound all too familiar, chances are that you could use some help, and I’m here to give it. I may not be a doctor, but having lived with Fanxiety for the past five years, I can offer my own advice for self-therapy.

The first thing to remember is that you’re not alone. Look at your league. I can guarantee that almost every team has dealt with season-long injuries. This past weekend fantasy owners everywhere sighed in frustration as Dalvin Cook and Chris Carson both went down to the IR. Our beloved Packers receiving back Ty Montgomery left in the first quarter of Thursday night’s game with broken ribs. These lineup setbacks can only add to fanxiety, but before you throw eggs at your opponent’s house for trading you Ty Montgomery last week, realize that first of all, it’s not his fault, it’s not your fault, and that most of us are part of the struggle. Plus, on the bright side, this makes it more likely that your competitors will be facing you with equally handicapped lineups.

The competition now becomes who is making better strategic moves to replace the injured. The next thing to consider when battling this disorder is that you can always turn things around. Have a look at the depth charts for the teams losing their 1st and 2nd tier RB and WRs. Chances are you’ve probably never heard of half the players that are being started at this point. Who the hell is J.D. McKissic? How should I know. What I do know is that he came out of nowhere and put on a show on Sunday night, so he’s worth stashing until the next Seattle RB starter joins the injury report. Latavius Murray is another waiver wire stud that many owners submitted claims for this past week. I’m still not sold on him replacing Dalvin Cook in a production sense. I’m looking to Jerrick McKinnon to share a good load of these carries. The free agent I’m most enthused about is Will Fuller V. He returned to the Texans receiving squad this past week and scored two touchdowns in his season debut. I fully expect him (no pun intended) to heat up along with the rest of the offense in Houston as we approach week 5.

Speaking of heating up, another positive thought to note is that the progression of the season is working very well in some of our favors. What I mean is that the some of the teams and subsequent players you may have sworn off are beginning to warm up, and your team may do the same. If you started the season on a bad note, then here’s my next affirmation, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just ask the 2-2 Houston Texans, or the inspiring 3-1 Buffalo Bills, who no one expected to be leading the AFC East at this stage in the current season. While we’re talking long shots, how about them Eagles? As a former Philadelphian and an owner of Carson Wentz in multiple leagues, I have to say I love seeing the Birds soar to the top of the NFC East.

Here’s one more consolation for someone who suffers from unrelenting fantasy stress; it’s only week 5. I would say ‘it’s only fantasy football’, but if you’re actually reading this blog, chances are that you care about it way too much like I do. Being unreasonably obsessed with winning your leagues is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is coming in last place — well, as long as your league’s punishment for finishing last isn’t getting a Nickleback tattoo.

Ah, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling more at ease already. More hopeful. Less Fanxious. As we enter the first week of BYEs (well, if we’re not including the whole Hurricane-forced-BYE situation in week 1), stay optimistic, make good starts and never let fanxiety negatively impact your fantasy decisions.

Week 4 Awards

Despite my lack of wins in week 4, I’m still singing the praises of a few key players. Check out my hot-fire mixtape for fantasy performances in Week 4

1. Everybody Hurts (Cause Everybody’s Hurt) by The NFL

2. Ready or Not, Here I Come by Mitchell Trubisky

3. It Was a Good Day by Andy Dalton

4. Can I Kick It? (Yes You Can) by Greg Zuerlin

5. U Remind Me of a Cam That I Once Knew by Cam Newton

6. Born To Run by Le’Veon Bell

7. Another One Bites the Dust by Chris Carson and Dalvin Cook

BONUS TRACK

We Are Never Ever Ever, Getting Back Together by Me featuring Amari Cooper

Five Terrible Recommendations for Week 5

1. Kick yourself for not picking up Jared Goff when I told you to. And if you’re not in a two-QB league like mine where the owners fight like the Hunger Games over a solid waiver QB, try to pick him up. He’s thrown for 547 and 5 touchdowns over the past two weeks, and I like those numbers. The Rams are one of those teams that keeps getting warmer.

2. Make a (fair) trade for Will Fuller V. If he stays healthy and DeShaun Watson continues to shine, look for him to take on a decent size workload and project consistent points week to week.

3. Stash J.D. McKissic and hope that the Seahawks will see the level of potential that radiated from his breakout performance on Sunday night. Even with Chris Carson sidelined, I’m hesitant to start him, and that’s for two reasons. One, C.J. Prosise is set to return, and he’s at the bottom of a depth chart that includes Thomas Rawls and veteran Eddie Lacy. Two, even if he is the best choice for a lead back or even an RB2, we’re talking about the same team that blew a Super Bowl lead by throwing the ball when it could have easily been rushed into the endzone. Wise running back decisions are not really a strongpoint in Seattle.

4. Bench Amari Cooper. The obvious reason is that Derek Carr is hurt, but even if that were not so, I’ve moved on from expecting anything more than a low-end flex performance from this disappointing receiver.

5. Don’t get your hopes up about Cam Newton. It was nice to see a flash of the old Cam, but my gut is telling me to expect less of it in the future. I’ve talked a lot about players and teams warming up; though he lit a few flames last week, I believe this one is going to cool down.

#fantasyfootball #blog #week4

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Monster Scores and Stranger Performances in The Fantasy Upside Down

“Rams versus Niners? That ought to be a total snooze fest.” “Bench Blake Bortles. Obviously.” “61 yard field goal? Sure, if he’s a superhero.”

I’ve got a lot of words to eat this week.

But I’m guessing so do you.

That is, unless you have psychic abilities, in which case you must’ve known that last Thursday’s game would produce the highest points in the history of TNF games. You also must’ve had the clairvoyance to start Case Keenum and Jacoby Brissett at the QB position because they’d put up the 2nd and 3rd highest  fantasy points behind Tom Brady. Oh, and surely you knew that in the midst of complete wild wackiness the Bills, Saints, Bears would put up a combined 83 points and win their matchups. I bet you did, Miss Cleo.

Unless you do have mystical future vision akin to Raven Simone, chances are that Week 3 utterly amazed, and possibly destroyed you with its many record-breaking surprises, high scoring games, and shocking fantasy plot-twists.

Personally, I blame Donald Trump. It’s all your fault, man!

Relax, I’m kidding… I know it’s my fault - I made some horrible draft picks… but on a serious note, if you’re a season ticket holder who is really displeased with the NFL right now, I would be happy to take those tickets off your hands. Shoot them to my email, I’m here to help.

Week 3 Awards

I usually have a lot more to say, but last week utterly crushed me. My brain is still struggling to process what happened on Sunday, so I’ll save what gray matter I have left for setting my week 4 lineups. I’m going to need it.

Check out my hot-fire mixtape for fantasy performances in Week 3.

1. Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Let You Down by Kareem Hunt

2. ’Cause Baby I’m A Dud by Jay Ajayi

3. Don’t Call it A Comeback by Doug Baldwin feat Larry Fitzgerald

4. Getting to Know You by Stefon Diggs and Case Keenum

5. C.R.E.A.M. (Catches Rule Everything Around Me) by Brandin Cooks

6. Drop it Like It’s Hot by DeShaun Watson

Bonus Track: I Wish That I Had (Jared)’s Gurl … by Every Fantasy Owner who Didn’t Draft Todd Gurley (Where can I find an RB like that?!)

Five Terrible Recommendations for Week 4

1. Pick up Jared Goff. It was obviously a good move last Thursday. And, okay, it does seem a little early to jump on the Goff train just based on the anomaly that was the Rams historic shootout vs the Niners, but I see similar production in his future… though maybe not against the Bills this week. Note that I didn’t say to actually start him.

2. Don’t drop DeMarco Murray. If you wisely ignored what I had to say last week and the week prior, then hopefully you hung on to him. The offensive spread in Tennessee is becoming super frustrating, but while I’m still wary about his inconsistent workload, I think the worst is behind Murray and we’re going to see him return to the production we’re used to.

3. If you’re debating a flex option, Allen Hurns is a solid sleeper for week 4.

4. Pick up Wendell Smallwood if you need a running back. Sending my well wishes to the little guy in Philly, Darren Sproles, who sustained an awful combination of injuries on Sunday.

5. Stop streaming whoever is going against the Jets for your D/ST slot. Start The Bengals this week - or, if you’re too lazy for the whole week-to-week thing, you can pretty much comfortably leave the Bills to hang out in your starting position.

#fantasyfootball #week3 #recap #strangerthings

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Out with the Old, In With the New… Wait, Who?

A Song of Fire and Ice

If deaths in the fictional world were equivalent to injuries and busts in the fantasy world, then it’s safe to say that George R.R. Martin is directing this season of NFL football. Even so, I’m afraid it goes beyond just torn ACLs, broken bones, blocked kicks, and missed red-zone opportunities; the landscape of fantasy talent is drastically changing, and our meticulous planning and forecasting for this year’s fantasy draft did not prepare us for it. Much like Game of Thrones, fantasy football is a game that’s part strategy, part luck, and also part imminent disaster. Those of us who have seen our lineups succumb to woeful fantasy hardships-- season-long injuries, surprising player flops, or unexpected blowouts from our opponents deep sleeper picks -- are forced to strategize and turn our luck around, like anyone destined for the Iron Throne would. Trades, waiver pickups, and well-researched and thought-out lineup starts are the best chance we have to win match-ups and not slip down the ranks in our leagues. Of course, this all sounds like pish-posh to that one fortunate foe in your league (or maybe it’s you) who has thus far conquered match-ups with remunerative players like Kareem Hunt and Ty Montgomery. But even the King Joffrey’s and Queen Cersei’s topping your fantasy ranks need to keep an eye on waiver options and consider making trade deals with the common folk. As we enter what is only the third week of the season—which may feel like week 8 to some— fantasy owners ask, what strategic moves can you make to keep your roster from the throes of Winter?

The Cardinal Rule

Just ask The Arizona Cardinals. Or maybe don't. We’re talking about a team that had heaping amounts of fantasy impact a year ago, and now is becoming a trainwreck on a course for irrelevancy. The loss of running back stud David Johnson was the first stop on the way to Dudsville, and the team has since been speeding down a collision course fueled by the failures of an aging quarterback (who is 37 years old, and that’s about 92 in quarterback years). The veteran wideout in Carson Palmer’s arsenal is no spring chicken himself, and at 34, Larry Fitzgerald is not the same fantasy weapon we’re used to. His fantasy value suffers at the hands of the declining Palmer - well, when he’s not being passed over for the younger talent around him. It seems obvious that going forward, the only player on this team worthy of a start is hot waiver commodity, J.J. Nelson. The struggles of this one-dimensional team exemplify that fantasy owners should never rely on one position or player to carry a team forward, and if your squad is spinning down a similar path based on one critical injury, chances are that you had some deeper holes to begin with.

Say My Name, Say My Name

The good news? If our beloved vets and former champions crumble, then the stage opens up for youthful talent to rise, and much of this talent pools from the lesser known names at the bottom of the depth chart. I know that I passed over breakout newcomers like Chris Carson, Tarik Cohen, Chris Thompson, and J.J. Nelson. I know now that I should have passed on DeMarco Murray, and I’ve already replaced him in the RB2 slot with another sneaky stud, Javorius “Buck” Allen. The takeaway is that there are always moves to be made, especially in a climate that seems to have zero regard for our top draft choices. Hopefully week 2 allowed you to pick up your next lineup stud off the wire like a $100 bill on the sidewalk. *Speaking of picking up “benjamins,” I’m hoping the aging-player-theme-defying 36 year old TE Benjamin Watson will help with my Greg Olsen problem.

Week 2 Awards

My votes are in, here are the victors (and bombers) of week 2.

Absolute Fantasy Darling: Kareem Hunt

Hottest Sleepers: Davante Adams, Javorius Allen

Biggest Let Down: DeMarco Murray

The One Who Got Away (on waivers): Chris Carson

Most Stunning Unowned Player: Chris Thompson

Most Regrettable Bench Warmer: Alshon Jeffery

Worst Advice: Mackenzie Iames, Football Fan Fiction  - “Sit Alshon Jeffery”

Most Painful Injury (to a team owner): Jordy Nelson

Best Dismissal of Matthew Berry’s Opinions: Starting Dez Bryant

Trade Bait of the Week: Tom Brady (for Ty Montgomery…schawing!)

Bonus: The Not Top 10

10. DeMarco Murray’s hamstring 9. Odell Beckham’s “I Don’t Care About Your Fantasy Team” Rant on Twitter 8. Greg Olsen’s Foot 7. The Chargers crowd of approximately 100 people at Stub Hub Center on Sunday 6. Jordy Nelson’s ACL 5. The bus that Jason Garrett threw Dak Prescott under 4. The Chargers’ Victory Cannon that fired off the moment they lost by a missed field goal 3. Kalif Raymond’s muffed punt return that rivals the Jets’ marquis embarrassing moment, the Butt Fumble 2. The pinkie finger that a Giants linebacker purposely jammed into Matthew Stafford’s eye 1. The sack that Eli Manning took without even being touched (uh.. maybe it was a ghost?)

Five Terrible Recommendations for Week 3

1. Trade Brandin Cooks for Travis Kelce…. well, unless Brandin Cooks is the top threat in your receiving core, in which case you might want to trade for a time machine and redraft your team.

2. Drop DeMarco Murray. Following my advice from last time. Bye Felicia.

3. Let Greg Olsen take up a slot on your bench for potential trade bait at the end of the season. Just don’t start him again when he’s healthy. Let someone else in your league make that mistake for you.

4. Start Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs. I know you’re thinking that it’s probably on the safe side to leave them on the bench until Sam Bradford is back, but I have a lot of faith in the two stud receivers, and even with Case Keenum they should be able to return to their usual production at home.

5. Sit Amari Cooper. And if you can, work out a trade deal to get his over-shadower, Michael Crabtree. That won’t be easy, however, as he’s establishing himself as one of the most valuable point scorers in all PPR leagues.

#fantasyfootball #week2recap #week3advice #gameofthrones

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Last Minute Roster Debate

Jonathan Stewart or Javorius Allen for RB2?

I'm leaning towards my waiver pickup, Allen. hope this is the right move.

#fantasy football #debate #week2 #running backs #waiverwire #j

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Hurricanes, a Series of Unfortunate First Round Picks, and a Kareem Come True

First: Please Accept my Apology

I need to begin this first entry with an apology to millions of fantasy participants.

If you also suffered the crippling blow of a David Johnson loss this past Sunday, there’s a good chance that I am to blame.

The fantasy gods seem to have it out for me, so even though I was happy to earn a computer generated first-round pick for my 10-team Yahoo league, a dark cloud of potential horrible luck seemed to loom over my confident choice of this season’s consensus no.1 player. As I hit the red DRAFT button, heavenly images swirled in my mind of glorious 40-point leads over my opponent, only interrupted by a harrowing memory of last year’s draft.

Flash back to late August 2016; I had just completed an intense beer chugging and ping pong ball throwing fantasy league combine to determine my draft position: #4 selection. I stood proudly in the commissioners garage-turned-football-sunday-mancave-oasis, Miller Lite soaking my shoes, and grasped the microphone to announce my first round selection, Mr. Adrian Peterson. Now flash forward to week 2 of last season, and one torn meniscus spelled a lot of regret for taking the injury-prone back above more reliable options.

As this was only one of my major injury losses last season, my drafting strategy for this year was to make safer, younger, less injury-prone picks, and yet, here I sit, lamenting once again as David Johnson goes to the IR and I go to the trading block.

Kareem Hunt: The Ultimate Fantasy-Fantasy

There’s always a silver lining though, right? What I wanted was the running back of my dreams; what I really needed though, was Kareem. Clearly, my one rookie selection was the right one, and I benefitted from his unprecedented display of 240+ yards in an NFL debut on Thursday. The promising rookie is the productive back that Andy Reid and Kansas City deserve. And he’s made it clear that complacency won’t be an issue; after an explosive performance that earned him the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated, as well as praise from nearly every sports media outlet in existence, he issued a single self-effacing remark about his opening performance: “I can’t believe I fumbled”. It’s cool, Kareem, I can get past that small display of nerves on the first carry of your career. Side note: This is the 2015 Devonta Freeman pick I never made.

Irma Doesn’t Care About Your Fantasy League

So I know what you’re thinking: if I lost my first round champion, but picked up a rare treasure in the sixth round, then week 1 could’ve been a success and not a total failure, right? Well, sort of. It’s wasn’t a complete failure, but if you’ll recall, a Category 4 hurricane ripped through the Southeast a few days ago, leaving a trail of devastation, floods, and forcing the evacuation of millions. Irma did not spare my coastal town in South Carolina, but luckily my friends and family are safe. My fantasy squad, on the other hand, took a slight hit. Having lost Mike Evans, Jay Ajayi, and Jameis Winston for Tampa Bay and Miami’s unexpected BYE week, my opponent sat in a prime position to outscore my would-be-victorious lineup. He also benefitted from the unexpected return of Ezekiel Elliott, which meant a big celebration and many irritating I-told-you-so’s from fantasy owners who picked him up in later rounds because they “knew” this would happen. Yeah, okay.

A.P. Might As Well Be Injured

I’ll spare you my opinion on Zeek’s off-the-field behavior and the questionable decision that was made in the Cowboys’ favor, but not before discussing another back with a history of legal troubles. I’m talking about the star of my 2016 season pity party, Adrian Peterson. He’s the bust of the week that we all kind of expected but sort of hoped to be wrong about. He simply does not fit well in the New Orleans offense; to his credit, though, I’m not sure who does. And this is coming from a Saints fan – who by the way is disappointed, and starting to get a little fed up. The Saints were a colossal mess in Monday’s loss to the Vikings, having struggled with an offensive line that failed to open up running lanes and held not only Peterson, but also Mike Ingram and the new kid Alvin Kamara to an average of less than 3 yards on 21 total rushing attempts. The Vikings run defense was as aggressive as the pass rushing that limited Drew Brees to a single red zone conversion, where he connected with tight end Coby Fleener for an 8-yard touchdown in the 4th-quarter. His restricted time in the pocket meant fewer receptions for Michael Thomas, who disappointed the fantasy owners who believed he’d be as productive as the Saints former wideout, now NE Patriot, Brandin Cooks.

Cooks, by the way, looked pretty damn good out there last Thursday, only being overshadowed by Danny Amendola, who exited the game with an injury. Facing his former team next week, Cooks looks to dominate downfield, while Tom Brady is more than eager to redeem his Game 1 performance, and the  Saints defense will have a hard time slowing the Pats’ offensive attack.

The Shoes Matter

A few mentionable line-up studs that kept my lineups from being pulled into a black hole of fantasy misfortune are LeSean McCoy, Jordy Nelson, Adam Thielen, and Carson Wentz. Oh, and a very special thanks to Stefon Diggs, who led me to last-minute victory over my coworker and proved that while some had to struggle in Week 1 to fill big shoes, others simple needed to wear customized Randy Moss cleats.

There’s Always Week 2

Of course, as the dramatic overtone of this recap suggests, I didn’t fare so well in all of my leagues (much less in my daily fantasy line-ups – remind me to remove the FanDuel app from my phone, but maybe after I lose again next week). We all have woes and regrets, but let’s face it, we couldn’t control the weather, and the majority of us didn’t go into the draft thinking Alex Smith was going to dominate the league in fantasy points or that Deshone Kizer would have actually been a better choice for our starting lineups than Tom Brady. Then again, was I really expecting DeMarco Murray to still be a bankable RB1? Did I really think that my probably overvalued TE Greg Olsen was going to deliver on my fifth round draft pick?

So many questions, too many regrets, and an awful lot of games left in the season to rant about them. Compare your own notes and have a look at my nominations for the winners and losers of my three leagues in week 1.

Week 1 Awards

Who Made me Proud: Kareem Hunt

Who Made me Regret my Draft pick: Dez Bryant

Who I Should’ve Benched: Carson Palmer

Who I Should’ve Started: Mike Gillislee

Who Surprised Me (in a good way): Golden Tate

Who Surprised Me (in a bad way): Doug Baldwin

Who I Made Claims for in Waivers: Tarik Cohen, Charles Clay, Sam Bradford

Who I Wish I Had Drafted: Leonard Fournette, Tyreek Hill, Ezekiel Elliot

Five Terrible Recommendations for Next Week

1. If you missed Tarik Cohen because Waiver Order didn’t work in your favor, pick up Chris Johnson. The Cardinals just re-signed him, and there’s about a 3% chance he’ll become the new David Johnson. Okay, I’m sort of joking, but sort of hoping that this incredibly foolish piece of advice will pay off.

2. Start Charles Clay. The tight end position at this season’s draft was full of mediocre options and not a whole lot of confidence in the better ones. I drafted three of the names in my top 5 ranking for the position, Greg Olsen, Jordan Reed and Jimmy Graham, and yet none of them impressed in week one. I think Clay has a good thing going with Tyrod Taylor, and, seeing as my tight ends blew it across the board, there’s a fairly low risk for taking him on.

3. Give DeMarco Murray one more chance, and then make moves to move the hell on. He was only held to the low numbers we saw this past Sunday four times last season, so if he puts on another performance of less than 50 yards, I’m placing him on the beach and looking for better options.

4. Sit Alshon Jeffery, or at the very least, start him as a FLEX. You may want to also consider sweeping Nelson Agholor off of waivers until it’s clear who the lead receiver will be in Philly’s offense. The real issue here, however, is a match up with an aggressive Chiefs defense that allowed the fifth-fewest fantasy points at home last year.

5. Sit Carson Wentz, start Trevor Siemian. Siemian has a more favorable matchup, and he looked worthy of a Broncos extension on Monday night. Whether he’s worthy of extending in your leagues is up to you, of course; as always, I don’t recommend taking my advice

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[fantasyfootballfiction-blog]

Antonio Brown.

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