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#studyblr #dyspraxia #dyscalculia #probability theory #actuarial science #neurodivergent girls in stem

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When you study for a month but don’t recognize any of the exam questions

#studyblr #actuarial science #immature mature student #girls in stem

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Financial management lecturers teaching me about investing like

#actuarial science #financial management #studyblr #immature mature student

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#indian tutorials are the best #learning programming

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#learning javascript #web development #learning programming

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#c++ #learning programming #visual studio

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Oddly enough, this is excellent study music. I feel like I’m going to programme Skynet or something when I’m done.

#studying #not quite white noise #max richter is a king

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Also giving this university thing another go. Doing it online as I have to work now. No scholarship this time around so I need that tuition money from somewhere :(

I wasted my 20s studying something impossible and now I have no money and no youth and I feel like none of it was worth it sometimes and that I should have done something safe like banking or law. Comp Sci is supposed to be my turn to do something for me...

But programming is apparently very hard, and now I’m riddled with doubts as to why I’m not trying to hack it as a web developer which would be easier and faster and free...

My poverty is as confusing as it is real.

But also, I’ve already failed so hard and gone through so much catatonic depression and had so many “cuss you out” sessions with my family that nothing really matters.

No one’s opinion matters to me anymore, and I’ve become a bit of the designated asshole. But who cares at this point. Family and friends are a bit overrated. They only have as much power over you as you grant them.

I was that studious child with potential, so when I fell from grace, I basically didn’t have an identity anymore... and I’m starting to sort of revel in this whole “Wild Card, Hobo on the Loose” lifestyle of having zero attachments and expectations on me. I’ve no significant other, no children... 

I want the degree, so that if it’s asked for I have it. Plus, it’d make it easier to find work in foreign countries when I graduate from hobo to drifter. It’s not a guarantee of employment, but I like my chances better with it. 

Being a pessimist now, I expect everything to go wrong, so the more parachutes the better. Human and social parachutes have a way of failing when you need  them, I’ve realised.

Fears

  My biggest fear is not to fail at college but to fail the people I know. I told everyone I would give college another try and that I would try my hardest this time and I have so far. No one believes that I am because of how badly I’m doing but they don’t understand and never will. But that’s okay. I’m not going for them. I’m going for me. That being said, I know I can get a job in web development or anything computers without a degree. I just went back to school to say “yes sir, I have a degree in…” but it’s looking to be another failed attempt.

  So I’m becoming less worried about failing but more worried about failing others. I get that that’s unhealthy and I should only be going for me and that I shouldn’t have such shitty people in my life but I do. I have no choice but to keep going and if it gets bad enough, I WILL drop out and focus 100% on web development. If I have to break up with my girlfriend and leave my family for a new home to drop out and go after a web development job, I will. I love them but if none of them love me enough to acknowledge that I went back for a second try and that I wouldn’t go through all the trouble I went through just to get signed back up, just to not try, I’ll leave and find people who are actually good for me. My girlfriend is one of those people who believe that you can’t have a good life with good pay without going to college but she also doesn’t know much about web development. In the end, I’ll do what I want with my life and if the people in my life don’t like it, they can simply leave.

Thoughts?

#life #quarterlife crisis #midlife crisis #career change #30s #education #failure

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Would be cool if it was a Hobbit with a torch looking at Smaug? And if Smaug had a pupil that contracted as the “light” was shone on it.

#figure out how it was done #to try and do list