futurewriter2000

[futurewriter2000]

This year broke my wallet so much I’m literally rethinking a 4 cent difference when I’m picking an energy drink. I will walk across town to get it for a discount in another store.

[futurewriter2000]

Glimpse

A/N: Wanted to do something fast and I did. It's a bit sad but it was something I got inspired to do watching this one tik tok. Lol.

Pairing: James Potter x reader

xx

Watching the whole scene play out in front of your eyes was like karma served right. It put a malicious smile on your face to see the boy you had once loved so deeply get rejected as he had rejected you once ago.

He had pinned after the red head since you came into contact with him a long time ago but what you two had was something he can never have with anybody else.

You remember the first heartbroken day of your life. It was the day you saw them together, joking around... falling in love. It was as if somebody was pushing your two lungs together and you could barely breathe.

He passed you by with nothing more but a glimpse he found the effort to share but a glimpse was all you needed to get the rush of memories run its course in your brain.

*six months ago*

You fell behind as the two of you were walking in the Forbidden Forest. His flashlight blinded you each time he looked back to see if he hasn't lost you.

"Can you turn that thing off?" you grumbled as you walked after him.

"If I turn it off, (y/n), we won't see anything!" he grumbled back.

You hid behind a tree and didn't say a thing in return.

"(y/n)?" he looked around with his flashlight and took a deep sigh. "This is not funny. I swear, I will leave you alone in here." he kept moving the flashlight around but since you knew him too well, you knew exactly that he will leave you if you don't come out. So you ran out of the tree and threw yourself onto his back.

"UFF.!" he huffed and started smiling as you giggled on his back and jumped back down.

You turned him to face you and brought yourself closer to him. Your hands got up to his jaw and gently you rubbed your fingers across it. "And what is so bad with seeing nothing?"

He smirked as he pressed himself onto you and dropped the flashlight on the ground. "I don't think anything is bad with seeing nothing." he said before he kissed you...

*Now*

James. He walked in the Three Broomsticks with a beam on his face as he saw her cheeks burning from the cold. He wrapped his arm around her and squeezed her tightly against him but she only gave him a simper, barely half a smile before she moved away from his hold. His smile faded.

You started to realise the lost of interest on Lily Evans' face with every passing week and if you were honest with yourself it didn't make you any happier as it didn't make you sadder either. You only felt numb after so many months.

But it did make you a bit happy to find how revenge can be served without even trying.

The two of you shared so many things together but he never wanted you to be more than just a fling. You always felt less because of that.

He was honest... too honest sometimes.

"I'm just don't see you long term."

"I'm looking for that perfect girl."

"It's just something I do. I know how I am when I'm in love."

"I love our friendship."

"I do have to thank you because now I finally know what I want in my life."

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch...

From every passing week, you started to see every passing day how James Potter started to lose his confidence of how she treated him. Sometimes you could see them arguing, some days you heard rumours about their relationship being on rocks and then there was the heartbreak in his eyes. Every day you could see him begging for her love and that same day, you saw her reject him. No effort, no interest.

Your eyes met- a glimpse before he threw his glasses on the table and rubbed his eyes.

A movie replayed in his head- just like the one you had on your first heartbreak day. This memory was on his heartbreak day.

*three months ago*

It was fun shower the two of you had at his place over the holidays. You poured the water over your hair and then over his both smiling at each other.

"Did my makeup go off?" you smiled.

"No. I think it's pretty okay."

You rubbed your fingers against your eyes until there was blackness around them. "How about now?" you laughed and he laughed with you.

He didn't even answer. He just laughed because even with those black ink around your eyes, you still seemed to be so beautiful and God knows he wasn't the perfect Greek God himself but somehow, a beauty like you still chose him. He always wondered why you kept persisting on this secret relationship the two of you had. He wasn't special. He wasn't interesting. But you were. You were almost everything.

"Do you really have just two shampoos?" you eyed him.

"Yes. Am I supposed to have more than two?"

"What about conditioner?"

"What the hell is conditioner?"

You gasped in disbelief.

"Don't you gasp at me like that. There is one for hair and one for body and the hair shampoo even has caffeine in it." he grabbed the hair shampoo in his hands and showed it to you.

"Conditioner makes your hair soft and silky." you grabbed back the hair shampoo and poured it on the top of his head, then on yours as well.

"Well... it smells nice."

The two of you jumped out of the shower and went up to his room. It was just talking and messing around and it didn't take him long to be on top of you again but there was something different from all the times the two of you had been in this position.

He remembered looking into your eyes and found himself admiring you- admiring your beauty. And your hair wasn't silky but it had so much volume from his shampoo, he was almost jealous it doesn't work on his hair like it does on yours.

And your eyes and your perfectly shaped lips- but what makes him even more attracted to you was the way you always smell so good. Like vanilla but not vanilla. It wasn't vanilla but it was the closest scent that could describe it. That day it wasn't just sex for him- it was actually making love to you.

***

That glimpse seemed it took forever but he knew one thing.

He wanted to talk to you. He always talked to you when something was bothering him. You were his confidant, his best friend and his lover all in one and he couldn't find that in Lily. He found Lily just the object of his admiration. He really was in love with Lilly but how is it that he is supposed to be in love with her but he keeps thinking of you. He misses you.

But before he came to reality of it, you were already out of his sight and it wasn't until he and Lily had another massive fight right there, where everybody could hear that he stormed away from her... away from her and right into you.

You almost fell backward but you caught yourself right on time.

"Sorry." he mumbled, looking away... looking guilty.

You couldn't believe his pathetic face, not being able to look at you in the eyes. "Did somebody have another fight with his perfect little girlfriend again?"

"(y/n)." he warned.

"Did that hurt?" you asked, angry with him, angry with himself.

He shot his eyes at you, throwing daggers into your soul that seemed to have no affect at all. "Go to hell."

"Did. That. Hurt?" you asked again, slower this time. Your eyes softened, no matter the anger and resentment you held for this man. In the end, this was still the man you once loved.

He could see it- the walls you built up and he could feel it- the guilt he deserved to feel.

"Yes." he replied.

"Welcome to the last few months of my life." you replied before pushing past him and walking away.

But a few steps forward was a few steps to close because he grabbed your arm and pulled you back.

His eyes were pleading... pleading for something... pleading to bring down your walls.

"I miss you." he said in a whisper. "I miss us so badly." he couldn't keep it in. "The way we talked, the way we laughed, the way it was just... easy."

"No, James." you pulled yourself away. "It was easy for you but it was the hardest thing on the world for me to love you because you never put an ounce of energy into us. So guess what? I'm over it. I'm over us and I'm glad that you finally feel what I felt." you tore your arm away from him and walked away.

Forever, I guess.

[futurewriter2000]

People don’t like that I have piercings ( just on my nose and a few on my ears- you can’t even notice them) and dyed red hair and even though I wanted to dye my hair brown or back to my natural colour, I’m thinking that I should go pinker and show them that idgaf what they think.

[futurewriter2000]

Everytime I tell a guy off, he seems to get closer with his gf… like forreal what are men

[futurewriter2000]

Me caunting reps in the gym: 14…15…16…17…18…holy fuck…20…21…12…no 22…25…somewhere 27…22…29…34…

#gym #gymlife

[futurewriter2000]

La dure necessite maitresse des hommes et des dieux

Imagine that life is bright and colourful, and so there is joy and excitment. People surround you with laughter and loyalty- they distract your mind from the heartbreak that person caused and there is a new person, who makes your stomach twist and turn. Goals, ambitions, dreams - they are all there, staring at you, beaming even and welcoming you with open arms.

Imagine...

...imagine that life turns to grey, to darker colours of blue and dead orange, and there is pain and loneliness. People stab you in the back and theri hurtful words and actions echo throughout your day. Those same people that distracted you, are the same people you now need a distraction from because friends can give you a heartbreak too. The person from the past is back and you gave them a second chance, you opened to the posibilities of a 'maybe'. You opened a door, you dared not to open again but what was that saying about wearing your heart on your sleeve. You thought it would be worth it but they stabbed your heart and ripped open your chest. The scar, once healed, now opened again. The new person is a disappointment... he drinks and lies to you and they are good... but you feel like they hate you now. Goals stare at you, waiting... anticipating, when you will stand up and walk away from your corner but you stay in the shadow and you hide away from the stare. Ambitions try to pull you up but ambitions got you only little and dreams... well, they are so bright but so far away.

Because just like that, the whole world flips and you come to think whether you had chosen the wrong path to the future. Maybe if you stuck to people pleasing and let them walk all over you, you'd still have friends-ish... and maybe you'd be stupid enough to believe that they were really your friends and not people who took advantage of you, talked behind your back and used you like a mop to wipe the floor. And maybe if you chose to be the same person you were a year ago, your family would support you and see that you are doing fine.

Maybe... just maybe if you were stupid enough, naive and still your immature old self- life wouldn't be so hard now. Maybe you wouldn't be melancholic and you wouldn't have to switch friends or put boundaries. Maybe life would still stay bright and colourful if I did nothing to change a thing.

But I chose to change... and now it's hard to live in an enviroment my past self made and new me cannot live in. It's horrible and wrong- it's suffocating and I scream inside because my heart still feels the knives and my mind still echoes the words of the world.

Be like this, do this, you have to have this...

Stupidly enough... the less I want, the more I get... and people are bothered by that. Yet nobody asks me in my face, they make assumptions behind my back and I am no different. Am I? I don't say it to their face anymore... I just walk away because confronting problems is exhausting in a draining enviroment.

I do think of maitresse des hommes et des dieux. I thought about it for a long time and when you put it in words as such, it doesn't even sound terrifying. It sounds like peace and harmony. There is nothing and nobody poking you to feed them your energy but oh, maitresse des hommes et des dieux is like the light at the end of an exhausting and lonely tunnel, tempting for my restless soul. To take me and hold me, to take it away and float like a senseless cloud in the sky. S'il vous plait...

#life #writing #going through it #pain #melacholy #death #mental health #writings #love

[futurewriter2000]

Bothersome beast, comforting friend

[futurewriter2000]

You know… I could never stral my friends boyfriend. I’m not like that but if I do steal a man from their lifenit’s their father because bro I need one.

#daddy issues

[futurewriter2000]

Unpopular opinion: as somebody whose country doesn’t have starbucks and who grew ip on actual coffee, starbucks beverages are disgusting

[futurewriter2000]

Things I do when I start to miss my ex:

Check if I’m PMS-ing

Ask myself “Do I wish to become somebody who goes back to their ex because of a fleeting moment?” (The answer is always no)

Start to read a book

Check my goals and ambitions and where I am considering them and how to get to them.

Start to journal

Financial planning

Shower

Listen to motivational music and not sad songs

Listen to a podcast

[futurewriter2000]

Things I realised dealing with an alcoholic parent:

You will never be their priority. They won’t love you the most, even if you are a lover, a child or twin.

They are a pathological liar. Whatever they say to make you feel better is a lie, so there will always be empty promises. You will always end up disappointed.

They don’t register whatever you are saying when they are under the influence, so there is no point in arguing with them. They will hate your words as much as your silence.

There is always abuse, toil and trauma present. You can end up with a lot of issues because of it but you can always work on these issues once you accept them.

They will always be the victim. You cannot fix them. Nobody can fix them. They will seek blame in everybody else but themselves. It’s how they wired themselves to be.

Whenever they say they will kill themselves because of that and that, they won’t. It’s their way of manipulating you and getting a reaction out of you.

They hate you because they hate themselves. You are a burden to them all the time. Whether they show it or not, you are their burden. It’s not your fault but it’s how they feel.

You are the caretaker. You clean, you cook, you take care of everything financially, emotionally and mentally. Everything is on you because they are incapable of doing any of those things.

No amount of words or actions will fix them. There is a saying that only an alcoholic can cure an alcoholic. So if you’re not one, you can’t heal them and you shouldn’t try. Some things are worth fighting for.

Whatever you do, it will never be enough. They won’t be there to support you, they won’t care, you are simply not worth their energy and time but when you do achieve something, they will boast about it to everybody because of their relation to you.

It’s better to have no parent than an alcoholic one.

#based on personal experience #its different for everyone

[futurewriter2000]

[futurewriter2000]

Sometimes I love the way you hurt me… mostly because it makes me realise that I’m still attached to you.

[futurewriter2000]

“Maybe when I decide that enough is enough… then I finally let it go to the hands of the universe… and wait for something else to come back to me.”

[futurewriter2000]

I dont know why so many people love hip thrusts. I hate them. Fcking hate them killing me.

#gym

[futurewriter2000]

[futurewriter2000]

My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.