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I am Holo
buckitbucket reinvented
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I'm borderline, my girlfriend has barely texted me, and I already want to download OKCupid or Bumble again.
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Leaving/Staying
I'm leaving.
The panic attacks are strong, and to top that she's out of her mind about cleaning up, about fixing the house, about blame and headaches and what she calls noise.
She's nice to me. We spend as many nights as possible together with a cigar and a conversation. She truly cares. But life is so much better without her around.
I want a life without her around all the time. I want a safe place. -Need- a safe place. So I'm going to go find one.
I'm not leaving.
She's trying. She doesn't yell at me. She means the world to me; we are a team and we work together so well. We spend most nights together, out back, being completely open and honest about our relationships, our troubles, even about each other. I can't leave all that behind; even when things get hectic in the house. Little one gets yelled at, but less now. Tiny one gets yelled at and causes trouble, and I'm forced to deal with it, but... but... it's being a parent.
Her yelling is only one thing. I can overcome it, can't I? I need to stop walking on eggshells and being frightened of her. I can overcome this. It's worth it to see my lovely children every day.
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I want to sleep with you.
And, I don’t necessarily mean sex or making love.
I want to wrap my arms around you, hold you as close to me as possible, pull the blanket over us and fall asleep.
I want to wake up beside you. Kiss your head. Cook you breakfast. See you everyday. Kiss you good night. Damn, I just want you.
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This is NOT going to be the story of my moving to China.
Hello, USA!
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Polyamory. Is. Not. Just. About. Sex.
It can even not include sex at all. You can be the pickiest person who hates dating and still be polyamorous.
Being polyamorous is not always about wanting to have many partners, but is, probably more often than not, about the freedom to be able to. The freedom to be able to meet a human being and to be able to see where that connection naturally leads. The freedom to fall in love with someone else without having to make the decision to only be with one. The freedom to not watch while your heart breaks wondering “what if I could pursue this”
Please, just stop attributing it to sex.
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And...I...kissed her.
Our time together was quietly chatting as we wandered up and down the street. No destination in mind, just sort of exploring. It was hot out, I had been sweating from a couple hours in the heat, so ice cream for dinner was exactly what we needed.
Talk got heavy at the ice cream shop. My history of bpd, my cigar habit, my awkward life with Primary and the kids, where Primary has three other boyfriends. She still took it all in stride. I would have run from me a long time ago. Is she desperate, accepting, complicated herself? I don't know. But we lost track of time at that ice cream shop. I was going to be late getting home.
We walk back to her car, and I say goodbye, and we hug...a little bit longer than usual. I spend this moment thinking, do I kiss her on the cheek? How do I say goodbye this time?
I pull back; she's still in my arms, we look into each other's eyes, and...I just leaned into it. She did too. We were both wanting this kiss, maybe all day, and our lips touch...
It was the softest kiss. So gentle, so comforting, my heart leapt. I pull back, my grip slackens. I see a beaming smile on her face, like we both just won.
"I'll see you soon?"
"Yes. Goodbye, Holo."
"Goodbye, Bubble."
I walk away, thinking she must be out of her mind. But grateful. This is what I want. I want to fall hard for a kind, thoughtful woman. This is what she wants; a broken guy who's still putting his life back together. I'm sure I seem like more than that.
Anyway, I guess I'm dating again.
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AVOIDANCE
This is day two of work where I haven't had a panic attack from being overwhelmed. I'm quite sure it's because I'm not doing work that I need to be doing, but ignorance is bliss.
It's an ever-persistent question if I should even be doing this. Should I move to China? The process is daunting, and the questions buzz around the back of my mind. What if I get overwhelmed and have an attack there? Is it possible to have an attack in the field? Would an attack at the office keep me from doing work in the field?
I just don't know if I can do it. I've requested a business trip, and I'm going to see what it's like. If I spend the entire time on the positive side of things - getting dinner with the crew, exploring tourist destinations, being on-time and not struggling to get to work or be at work - then I know for sure. But if I'm exhausted in my room every night, I'll know.
So I really need that business trip. Here's hoping.
I spend an entire day without any e-mails or people stopping by, then overnight I get a PILE of e-mails from the other side of the world. It's enough to trigger me, so much that I missed training on one day.
Living here, working here, is just such a weird situation; I don't feel like there's work worth doing. Not when the activity is China side.
Will having better and more work help me?
I don't know if I'm moving to China yet, but I want to find out if I even want to.
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My word of the day is Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty.
Because I’m getting one soon.
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Giraffe
She wants to spend Saturday night with Giraffe. She felt a spark. I felt sick. But yet again, I knew as soon as she decided on that kayaking trip that she was going to pursue Giraffe. I am not surprised.
I haven't even seen him yet. All I know is that they've gone out together now, twice, and that she's smitten. Primary was never this giddy or silly about Jock, not around me anyway.
I can't really justify it, but BPD certainly has a place. I'm jealous AND envious. For some reason, I feel like I lose something when she spends so much energy and joy on him. Like, isn't she mine? No, not just mine, I understand. What do I lose? I lose a little time with her.
Honestly, the less time with her in the house I get, the better. I can't handle the yelling, Tiny One becomes more likely to hit, and the house gets this "hum" that keeps it from being truly quiet.
So it can't be that. I guess, when I am with her, she's talking to someone else, thinking of someone else, and I can't really handle that - I like being the focus of her attention. I like being the topic of conversation. And I hate giving up any of that to Giraffe.
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Ten Days
Ten days. My boss said we would be done with these 55 elements in ten days. That puts the deadline on me.
So.
Over this ten days, I get to see: My work ethic. My skill. My organization.
If I should keep this job, and
If it is worth sending me to China.
55 Elements in 10 days. 5.5 a day. Assume today is shot, assume I'll take a day for organizing, make it 7 per day.
I hope I can start turning some magic in the next day or two, because in 10 days I either quit or succeed.
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Juggling
Bubble doesn't have time to spend with me alone this week. I hastily made plans with Rigger to meet for the first time after work on Sunday. I'm supposed to meet Xoxo for lunch, originally today, but then Friday, that's cool, that fits into my work schedule. Primary's birthday is Friday, so together we plan for Friday night and Sunday morning. She has plans with Giraffe on Saturday night.
Wait. So where's Jock?
OK, Jock is Friday night aaaaaaand...??? No wonder's he's jealous of Giraffe.
Maybe I'll suggest I go out with the kids on Saturday morning, and Jock and Primary can have some private time...no wait...Jock still has HIS kids.
Sigh. I don't know what the right answer here is. But Primary and I are juggling a whole lot of events, a few people, plus cigar time, I bet we have to eat too. Life got complicated.
But I guess when the both of us decided to open the relationship, we invited scheduling complications into our lives.
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Can’t Awake
Wake. The. Fuck. UP.
I never have enough sleep. I always practically need a nap midday now, slamming caffeine down my throat first thing in the AM and mid afternoon, but I can't escape the almost falling asleep on my keyboard.
I'm dreaming that my Thursday surgery next week makes my sleep deeper, that I can finally rest and get good quality sleep. Zzzzzzz.
But until then, I live my entire life chasing sleep. Chasing it, "Hey wait come back here, I'm not awake enough yet, come baaaaaaaaaaack!"
Which means I'm - never excited to do anything - always laying down when given a choice - don't get proactive with chores - don't CARE.
I just want to fucking sleep all day, and I would, if I were given the chance.
Do you want to know why I wish I could live alone?
So I could go home and sleep all day.
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She didn’t
Yesterday evening, at like 6pm, I wrote Bubble a few questions. She didn't respond for the rest of the night, and I'm thinking, "What did I do wrong? How did I F this up? Is this a good idea?" Of course, Bubble messages me in the morning as if nothing was different. I freaked out over nothing.
Today, I made mention of the lady of the house to Rigger, and she vanished and quit talking.
She quit talking once yesterday too. She probably left for work at that time. And this time.
My overactive BPD mind just just just just just frrrrrreaks out when I'm worried someone disapproves and is showing me by the silent treatment. That’s something my Mom would do, “You know what you did.” No, Mom, I didn’t. So now I have a disorder that if someone isn’t talking to me they must suddenly hate me.
Trying to balance three dates is going to wind up bad for me. There will eventually be some ghosting or less attention somewhere. I know it.
Stupid.
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in addition to the fact that people just have different natural rhythms, a big reason why we can’t seem to go to bed as early as we “should” is that nighttime is, for many of us, our safest and most fulfilling time of day. we don’t have to work, we won’t be contacted by bosses or insurance companies or collection agencies or other suffocating life business… we’re likely only to be contacted by our friends, or by no one at all. night time is release; it’s ours. we can rest or recreate. we can do things we actually want to do. who would choose to cut that short?? just to usher in the next morning when our lives are not our own again? nighttime is precious and nothing could be more normal than the desire to embrace this
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I don’t understand:
Primary (to son): Clean up that thing or it goes in the trash.
Son: No!
Me: OK, if that’s what you want. *Puts thing in trash*
Primary (to me): What the fuck? You might have ruined that! Don’t put it in the trash!
My Mom used to say it: “I’ll put it straight into the trash.” The threat worked on me; I believed my mother could be so cruel.
It’s an empty threat from Primary. If you’re not going to throw something in the trash, stop saying that it’s going in the trash. Because -all of us- might believe you and put it in the trash like you asked. Or, worse, the threat becomes empty.
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