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I can't read books anymore :/

Until about 15 years ago I used to read for about at least an hour before bed every night, on the weekends even more. That took me through a lot of books per week. I even took on an apprenticeship as a bookseller, that's how much I loved literature. I then quit my job and started uni and never read a casual book for private enjoyment ever again until graduating, because I had to write and read so much for courses that I didn't have the time anymore. Also, allnighters fucked me up so thoroughly, I had a hard time getting into a regular sleeping schedule again after graduating. I then read a few books at a very slow pace. Like the Neuromancer trilogy on vacation in Turkey and a few Stormlight Archive books. Last year, I bought Weaveworld by Clive Barker. I'm on page 214.

Every fucking time I pick up a book nowadays, especially when in bed, I get so damn tired and sleepy, that I manage 2-3 pages until I nap away. The time of day doesn't even matter. I read, I sleep.

Help :/

#books #reading #bookblr #readblr

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LISAN AL GAIB

#this meme is my absolute favorite new thing #lisan al gaib

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Just show the knitting. Dogshit or not. Greatness inspires. Effort and struggle do too

i find the knitting tag on here very intimidating to dip into, which is why i try to put just the most absolute garbage projects in there, so anybody scrolling past all these incredibly polished and cool pieces will see my utter dogshit and think, oh, i can do that and keep knitting

#knitting #knitblr

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Blanket making ✨ [pattern: mini quinn]

#the colors are a beautiful combination #blanket knitting #knitting #knitblr

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Puppy? Baby? The sweetest thing to ever exist?

Thats Me :)

#I love fievel #he‘s great #he‘s so sweet #🥲 #I want a fievel of my own

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You know what? Literally ONE person on here asked me about my job. So now you all have to know :)

I already mentioned I‘m a transportation engineer. That means my general job is to plan different modes of transportation and then oversee the execution of my plans, including infrastructure, operational planning, business management, digitalization, decarbonisation, ect. I’m also trained in vehicle construction and manufacturing as well as in the planning of civil engineering structures like bridges and roads (asphalt and concrete construction of roads were my favorite subjects in uni!). I‘m currently working for a city government in my area and am the project manager for the city’s public transport. That means designing and adjusting the public transport network, adding new bus lines, changing old ones, building a five year development plan for the public transportation system (network development, accessability, service quality, analyzing demographic structures and changed in the city, taking into account new centers of gravity of different activities like work, shopping, living and recreational activities, all that shebang) and then seeing to the execution of that plan. I have to coordinate our regional bus network with neighbouring municipalities and of course, the most important part, I have to coordinate with my colleagues who are planning the other modes of transportation in the city (motorised and non-motorised private transport). And THEN I also need to take into account what the other department is cooking, the city planners (lots of architecture, not really my cup of tea).

That being said, this is my job now. I‘m interested in many aspects of transportation engineering and I‘m not going to do this particular thing forever. Actually rolling stock construction and manufacturing (and certification) really tickles my fancy and I‘m trying to get my foot into the door within the next 1-2 years, because I would like to work with a tangible product again (I used to work in electric drive manufacturing, but my department got closed down and I wanted to try something else with more orientation towards planning public transport supply, so I‘m now in public service).

I love to read and ruminate about curious, brave, creative and different solutions for urban traffic and urban design problems. And then think about how they suck or not and wether or not they could be a viable solution for problems I encouter in my city. And then get in contact with my colleagues to figure it out. There is always much to learn from other cities, other countries (including fuck-ups). And luckily the doors are wide open to change and new ideas (thanks climate crisis) so it‘s the perfect time to be a bit funky with the transportation planning.

Unfortunately it‘s also my job to answer stakeholders’ (think citizens, local companies and shops etc) questions and complaints. And they don‘t like the change in mentality that is currently leaning heavily towards walkable cities and car-free zones.

Hey, I‘m really enjoying talking about this actually. Maybe I can find some more transportation design fuck-ups to talk about. Anyone, give me shout out or something if you wanns know particular things idk

Will definately be posting more anyway :)

#transportation engineering #urban planning #urban design

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*Buys a gigantic sponge* Wow, this Tanz der Vampire merch is awesome

#er ist so weich… ich liebe ihn! #never thought I‘d see that again #I‘m not into musicals but I love Tanz der Vampire!

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What a transformation! 💞 Our Cosmic Cliffs colorway, shown here on Polwarth, spun up to a moody & dazzling yarn even when I let the colors mix randomly in the singles and the plying. Grab your own braid on our website today 🌌

#oh it's so beautiful #yarn #handspun #handspun yarn #knitting #fiber crafts

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Buckle up my dudes, news from the ADHD front.

I got a very spontaneous appointment this morning for a first consultation. That therapist had another patient cancel, so she could squeeze me in quickly. She has no free therapy slots, BUT! She had some great tips for where to go and what to do and who to ask. And she also basically said, girl your ADHD is so apparent, it's jumping my face, clawing at my eye sockets. Which is reassuring. Next step, get a real diagnosis with interviews and questionnaires. I got a referral for that now. Then get some medication and find a therapist for behavioral therapy. It's kind of getting official now. She gave me some lists for institutions that do the diagnosing. I feel a lot better now. There is going to be a lot of waiting, but I'm optimistic.

#adhd #mental health #neurodivergent

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still very very slowly making art!! i'll have my little 8pg accordion zine about tidepools at seattle art book fair may 11 & 12 -- in slightly different colors because of [fucked up the riso printing process]

#i love riso! #how cute #and beautiful #maritima

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Sooooo, what do we do when we feel overwhelmed by our emotions, to restore the balance and ground ourselves? Yes… we knit a sock. Another sock.

#knitting #sockblr #knitblr

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Okidoki,

I have started the process of diagnosis kinda officially now. I have called the official hotline that helps you find a therapist for the entire region of Bavaria. Which is bollocks. I can't go to therapy miles and miles away. But they have a list of all the available places on treatment programs and stuff. So maybe that is more successful than calling every doctor's office myself to ask for a counseling interview.

I need to wait for a period of 14 days now and hopefully the appointment service has found a doctor for me by then. I thought I might kind of document my journey a little bit and let ya'll know how it goes.

Please note that I live in southern Germany, so most of you won't be able to benefint directly from my posts regarding anything to do with bureaucracy, paperwork, service and help hotlines etc. etc. If there are any german potatoes in the crowd, who want to know any specifics, shoot me a message.

Anyway, hop on and enjoy the show if you want.

Oh, and I found my old success journal from depression therapy. I was supposed to draw or write down achievements and things that brought me joy, to focus on the positive. I shouldn‘t have stopped using it 🫤

Hey fellow freaks of tumblr,

at the ripe old age 35 I'm beginning to suspect I might have ADHD. Actually I've been carrying around that thought for some years now. There's currently noone in my life I can talk to about this. My partner refuses to believe me and stresses that I'm totally normal and like everyone else (I'm beginning to suspect he's got ADHD too and just thinks his experiences are the norm). But I don't see other people struggle with the same things I struggle with. I'm trying to get a doctor's appointment at the moment, which isn't easy.

What brought me to this point is the fact, that I'm pretty sure I have rejection sensitive dysphoria along with some other symptoms that make my life a living nightmare. Especially work, where I have little control over the environment.

Can the ADHD-side of tumblr maybe give me some tips on how to deal with RSD? It's going to take a pretty long time to get an appointment for diagnosis, so I thought I might try out some things in the meantime (it can't hurt, right? I mean, my hair dresser, who has ADHD and takes Ritalin for it, offered me her pills and I was very tempted. But maybe it's a bit of a smoother start to try some behavioral things first).

#adhd #mental health #therapy

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y'all said such kind words about my dad's crewel work so here are more pictures!

These are before he started putting himself and Addie (the doggo) into each one. I think my favorite is the one with the lavender fields but I'm also a big fan of the one with the stripey rocks =D

#the middle left one #and the top left one #are my favorite #blease show dog #and dad in the embroidery #crewel #embroidery #landscape #fiber art

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Dear tumblr staff, why can‘t I get the option to click on a tag and block it right away?!

Like, they way you can follow a tag? Just add a second button for blocking.

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Ah yes I know that show, I watched it on tumblr.

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Heyo! I saw your post about RSD and tried to comment but Tumblr said "no," so I'm sending it as an ask, I guess. 😅 Not trying to be a creeper.

I took Focalin for a while (currently on a blend of Wellbutrin and Prozac, because it manages all parts of my AuDHD well). It helped with a lot of the symptoms of brain fog and executive dysfunction, but I haven't noticed much (if any) difference in my RSD. If anything, it gives you a tiny gap of space in between the painful impact and your reaction. So I get a (non-judgy) mental voice letting me know that while my feelings are real and valid, assigning extra meaning to the perceived rejection isn't helping me.

Silly example: getting a briefer text without all the required emojis and punctuation to let me know the other person isn't pissed at me.

This feels like a slap in the face OR like a hole ripped in my gut. And I can't do anything about that feeling. But what I can do is realize my brain is telling me that the other person is upset, that I've done something wrong, etc etc. My brain is telling me that, but the only objective information I have is "I got a short text." It's up to the other person to tell me that they're actually upset.

So to sum up:

1. Meds didn't make RSD feel better (for me), but it gave me some breathing space to choose some different reactions.

2. Validating the reaction for how scary or painful it is (the reaction is NOT stupid) is important.

3. Recognize the other bits that are contributing to why this particular thing feels so very bad.

4. Discard everything that is not super simply and objectively true.

I know we tend to be hyper intuitive and often right in our assumptions, but the bottom line is that that sh1t is not our business.

I'm interested to hear other people's behavioral recs!

No Problem! I don't know why you couldn't comment, sorry 😞 Maybe you are on your side blog or something (?). Anyway, that doesn't matter. Thanks for answering! I hope it's ok if I answer publicly.

What really bugs me about the whole RSD situation is, that objectively I know. My brain knows. That the person is just in a hurry, that it wasn't directed at me, that sometimes things upset people and you can't avoid negative reactions. That it is impossible to be everybody's darling. All that. But 5 minutes later I'm sitting in the corner, crying anyway. Like, bawling my eyes out. And that makes me feel incredibly immature, not being able to rationally go over my emotions and deal with them like an adult (like all the other adults) and instead cry, because a coworker told me I'm a bit loud sometimes. Which is exactly what happened today. I had to go home from work early (I'm fucking… in my mid 30s goddamn!!!! I'm a project manager!), because I was in tears and could't get a grip of myself. That coworker has never said anything remotely mean to me ever and I felt so betrayed. Why was he being all nice and stuff all the time, if he thought I was loud and obnoxious? I know that that is what adult people do. Talk about things. Make a joke or try do soften the blow of giving someone critique by wrapping it in a funny comment or a little quip. But that did not prevent me from dissolving in a complete melt down. And of course I feel so stupid for it. In hindsight, this whole situation is just hysterical. And additionally, I'm going to completely change the way I interact with that person in the future from now on. Not consciously, but yeah. Also I'm super scared to go back to work tomorrow. I feel humiliated by him saying I was obnoxiously loud sometimes and always had to comment everything, in front of all the other team members. And them agreeing, after I asked a few in private. I don't want to be seen at that place anymore. I'm so sure they've talked about me behind my back before that situation. There also is a 100% chance I'm making this up in my head and actually everyone already forgot. Except me. I'm sitting here all paranoid and puffy-eyed, sniffling like an idiot about things that can't be changed anymore.

Thanks for sharing your insights! I actually feel better now. I'm a bit sad to hear, that medication didn't help you. I don't want to self-diagnose too much, but I was reading a bit about RSD and medication and how treating the ADHD through medication can affect the RSD positively. But we'll see.

#mental health #rsd #adhd #rejection sensitive dysphoria

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Hey fellow freaks of tumblr,

at the ripe old age 35 I'm beginning to suspect I might have ADHD. Actually I've been carrying around that thought for some years now. There's currently noone in my life I can talk to about this. My partner refuses to believe me and stresses that I'm totally normal and like everyone else (I'm beginning to suspect he's got ADHD too and just thinks his experiences are the norm). But I don't see other people struggle with the same things I struggle with. I'm trying to get a doctor's appointment at the moment, which isn't easy.

What brought me to this point is the fact, that I'm pretty sure I have rejection sensitive dysphoria along with some other symptoms that make my life a living nightmare. Especially work, where I have little control over the environment.

Can the ADHD-side of tumblr maybe give me some tips on how to deal with RSD? It's going to take a pretty long time to get an appointment for diagnosis, so I thought I might try out some things in the meantime (it can't hurt, right? I mean, my hair dresser, who has ADHD and takes Ritalin for it, offered me her pills and I was very tempted. But maybe it's a bit of a smoother start to try some behavioral things first).

#adhd #mental health #rejection sensitive dysphoria #neurodiversity