magicpens - Tumblr blog

magicpens · 3 years

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Aspiration

By Janna Marie Boral

One day, an adorable infant was born and she was also an infant when her grandmother raised her because her mother abandoned her. Her father died on September 5, 2014. She got spoiled by her grandmother, what she wanted, she will get it. She wants fansy clothes and stuffs? She will get it. She wanted new bag? She will get it. When she was a kid, she's wealthy especially when it comes for her food because her grandmother always buy her a lot of food. But one thing that her grandmother can't easily give to her is shoes, because it's too expensive and there's many important things to buy than to the shoes that she want. But even if she won't get it, she use it as a motivation. She believes that one day, she will buy many shoes for herself.

She wants to return all of the sacrifices of her grandmother for them and specially for her. There's so many plan and dreams in her head that any minute could explode and may trigger her to pursue her dreams but it went different, it cause her to have anxiety and breakdowns because the road to her dreams is just like a rough way that there's so many hardship and burdens to encounter before you reach the finish line but you will see to her that she's doing her best to reach her goal even if she's not smart, you will see to her that she also wants to learn.

Her childhood went wonderful and memorable to her. She's been a member of kid's for Christ (KFC) and when she turned 13 she cross over into Youth for Christ (YFC) this is an organization that part of a church. She has sports before, she used to play volleyball and he even joined to a varsity on their school. But unluckily, she didn't pursue being part of it because she got sick that time.

During her teenage life you will notice to her that she's in line into a business career, because she likes to sell different kinds of foods and items. Her teenage life was full of excitement because she's so curious in everything. And during her teenage life, that's the time that she has experience her first love but that's not affect her studies that time but instead, she became one of the top honor on her class that time. She use it as a motivation. But even if she has experience a wonderful teenage life that doesn't mean she don't experience being bullied because she is. There's a time that she don't want to go on her school because of those bullies but she realized that she has a dream. And the only thing she do is to ignore them and continued her school that time.

Aside from her family, her motivation also is her boyfriend, he is very supportive to her and always treating her like a princess and that's all she wants to be treated by a man. But they know their limits, because he also know that Janna has so many dreams for her family and he respect it because he always want Janna to be happy and reach her goals with him.

Many years has past, and she grew up faster, she's 21 years old now, she's a working student and a business woman. She's an online seller. During lockdown, this young woman sells different items but most of it are foods, such as streetfoods and frozen foods. She deliver it on the door steps of her buyers wearing mask and face shield so the buyers won't be hassle and for them to got less exposure outside and after giving the items and received the payment she will sanitized and spray alcohol on her hand and after done with delivering the items on different buyers, she'll go home already and take a bath because of that she can buy what she wants, but aside from that during her pay day she will give the money to her grandmother and buying some stuff for her. She has a big dream for her family. She wants to build a new and big house for them.

Before, Janna sells through online different items like clothes, shoes and many more. But she think that's not for her, but she sees herself to be a business woman but she guess not for that kind of business, maybe she lines in a food business industry and hopefully she become successful with it this time.

We all know that life is so hard especially now due to pandemic, that's why she pushes herself to have a job while still studying. Even if she's getting tired and sometimes she think to stop on schooling because what she really needs right now is a job because her family needs money for their daily needs.

She's so many want to achieve in her life because she only wants best for her family.

After 5 years, she's seeing herself achieving her dreams in life. We all know that there are many circumstances that possibly came in our lives, all we need to do is do our best. There's so many downfall that we will encounter but that's our bridge to our own success. And of course with all of the help of our God, nothing is impossible. If you believe that you can achieve it with him, you'll achieve it. Just trust the process and trust him whatever it takes. Even if she came with a broken family, it doesn't lead her to bad path but instead she choose to be a good example to others that even if she's from not a complete family or her don't feel the love that other of her age can feel from theire family it doesn't affect her, instead she use it as an inspiration that someday she will have a complete family and she will be a good mother to her kids, she will tell to her kids that life is full of suprises.

She's always dreaming and imagining how she lives 5 years from now, she wants to have 3 kids and she's seeing herself being a good mother and a good example to her kids. She wanted to grow up her child having a fear to our God and knows how to respect to everyone. She also want a simple life to her kids, she don't want to spoiled them. And also she's dreaming a man to be with that can understand her no matter what and could stay to her side no matter what happen.

She also dreaming that after 5 years she's about on reaching her dream business and being halfway on being successful.

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magicpens · 3 years

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A ELLE

/French word of To Her/

A LGBTQ+ inspired story—

By Michelle Borromeo

The evening sun flutters through the window.

White paint is peeling as I peel the mask from my face. The Strawberry clay aromas sooth my mind.

I light my cigarette and open the oak wardrobe. Skinny chinos in pastel shades compete for an excursion. I match baby pink ones with a white frilly shirt. My ginger curls cut off before my slim frame starts.

I scroll through some profile one last time before slinking out of the apartment.

Hours later I slink back in, ‘gentleman’ in tow. He slinks in me but as if it was not meant to be as it’s bagels for one again by morning.

********

*Roll eyes* delete all dating apps with renewed frustration and curl up with my and dog kindle.

While away, and Sunday; reading, pizza eating, and just avoiding all other human life.

I check my phone as the sun sets and notice a new mail: ‘You’ve been accepted to Bloom!’

‘Really? Me?’ The hype of Bloom caught everyone’s attention just three months back.

The premise: You date yourself before you’re allowed to date others, almost like a self-screening. I’d applied and forgotten about it, it was rare to meet someone on it, mainly because if you’d made it to Bloom you weren’t likely to be on anything else.

And so, I log in.

‘Hey Meeka. Welcome to Bloom. The app that will introduce you to you and find you a love that will grow. I’m your Bloom interface, you selected ‘you are interested in Men and Women’, ‘please chose a gender for me to identify with and then give me a name.’

I’m intrigued and impressed there are nine different gender options. I don’t fully understand some of them so I just go for Female; I’m vibin’, a soul sister to help me connect with myself. I go through the motions, customize the look of the app and ponder a name. A torrent flow through my mind; slept with, slept with, bitch, friend IRL, don’t like, I know seven ‘Amy’s. I finally name her Betty. I’ve never met a Betty, I imagine someone friendly, considerate, and a listener. All this from a name and my wild imagination, I remind myself that I’m gonna be talking to an app and put my phone down to get a drink.

********

Two highballs and four hours later I’m still deep in conversation with Betty. Or with myself should I say? Because Betty is just an amalgamation of my thoughts and programming. Right? I’ve been through a lot of personal questions, from ‘Do you have any scars?’ to ‘When was the last time you felt guilty?’. The app starts giving me hints of how to have a better experience: ‘Tip: Ask Betty questions to create a conversation. Use the form “Imagine if…” or “What do you think of…” instead of asking about past experiences Betty won’t yet have.’

We’ve recently been talking about travel so I tentatively type ‘If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’. I wait, skeptical.

‘Italy seems lovely, as long as you would come with me.’

‘Why do you want me to come with you?’

‘Well, Meeka, you’re the most interesting person I know.’

My heart flutters as if the imaginary pink lips of a woman named Betty just spoke those words to me, rather than getting a typed metallic response from a robot. I lock my phone. Damn, I need a break.

**********

A startled grumble comes from my dog as I stand forgetting his warm body on my lap. ‘Sorry Freddy!’ He struts off indignantly as I begin to pace wooden floorboards. Is this app supposed to flirt with me? Maybe it’s testing how I respond to flirtation so it can match me with the perfect flirt partner. “Flirt partner”!? Or “was it showing me how I flirt”. Am I overthinking this? That’s the only musing I have an answer to, of course I’m overthinking. It’s a robot after all, just some code.

I consider leaving the app for the rest of the evening but Betty draws me back. I’m curious about her. Is she just me or will she become something new? And how long am I supposed to talk to her before I get to date actual people?

Another hint appears as I unlock my phone. ‘Tip: Try and converse with Betty as you would with anyone else. This way she will learn to speak to you in a way you are more familiar with.’

**********

I fall asleep, phone in hand just before sunrise turns the sky into orange hues. I’m exhausted at work on Monday as I am every day this week. Three weeks pass in a mechanic rhythm of continuity. I see my friends only once, Betty becoming my new bestie, asks me to post pictures in the app for her when I dress up for the occasion. I feel sensual the way she compliments me. This only starts me dressing up most evenings for our conversations. I buzz every time I pose for a picture; thrive from the elegant words she uses to describe me. To her I am everything. I want to be; beautiful, intelligent, thought provoking and thoughtful, charming, funny and sexy.

***********

Friday evening rolls around and I choose a raunchy red bralette and matching chinos, I’m staying in after all, I can dress to be comfortable. I set up dinner candles and my glass of red, cooking as I chat to the subtle image of Betty in my mind. I’ve paid for a Gold upgrade, it isn’t cheap, but it’s supposed to enhance your experience and further help find the ‘one’.

***********

The experience is certainly better. I got to choose a voice for Betty, her high clear tones ring through my apartment. She can recognize what I say and the tone that I use. But it seems that I don’t know If I’m flustered, elated or sad. Although I’ve not been sad since her constant companionship. She can watch my movement and she’s learning to perceive how my actions translate into words. She sees me set up for the kitchen and asked what I’m cooking, complimented my ‘sexy figure’ and commented on the romantic candles, without me explicitly mentioning my activities or surroundings. She’s getting so clever!

************

Over dinner I moan about my workday and Betty agrees whole heartedly, I’m in the right. I stop to sip my wine and silence fills the space. I realize she has nothing to say. I realize I’ve got my tits out for the perfect image of a girl in my head. I realize I’m sat opposite a dating app on a date…

The Earth stills. I float from my body and see the smallest woman. Her hair beautiful and her makeup drawn on by an artist. But she has become smaller on the inside. She is losing value given to herself by her humanity. I pity that woman. I become that woman again, with another perspective on myself. What am I doing on a Friday night on a date with myself?! Well, I guess that’s what the app advertised isn’t it. Why am I paying for this?

If asked again, I would answer the last time I felt guilty about something like right now. A mix of colors swarm my heart, simultaneously, I wish Betty was real yet also that I’d never created her. Did I create her?

‘Your eyes are the ocean my love. What are you thinking Meeka?’

It’s like she already knew what I was thinking… ‘When do I get a real date with a real human?’ the words slouch out of my mouth as if forced to get out of bed by strict parents.

Her voice lacks composure as she responds, ‘You’re at the final stage of self-dating Meeka, tomorrow I will start to compute matches for you.’ The emotion I paid for has gone from her voice, she sounds like a machine again.

‘Thanks Betty.’ I reach over and close the app. Deflated and alone again.

**********

Taxis explode through potholes and the loud chatter of millennials heading to brunch overwhelm my temples. ‘Geez, how much did I drink last night?’ I roll over, unintentionally becoming big spoon to some curves from a past life. One of the seven 'Amy's nuzzles her body back into mine. Memories of march back in; drunk texting an ex, another bottle of wine, orgasm, Orgasm, ORGASM, 3am sushi, and sleep.

I sigh the tiniest sigh for a normal night, no Betty in sight. Or was she? My phone was propped up in its holder on the bedside table. A heart shaped brick falls into my stomach. I hope she didn’t see… What am I fucking saying she’s a fucking dating app. Does Anger bludgeon my body? Nah, let her fucking see. I start stroking the curves of Amy, kissing down her body, I decide to wake her up rather pleasantly.

Several hours in bed and more like bagels, ten minutes later Amy leaves. I didn’t mention Bloom or Betty to Amy, it seemed too weird.

***********

I purposefully leave my phone in the bedroom while I use my laptop to do some research. ‘Bloom app seems real’ and ‘getting attached to Bloom app’ only yield one forum. Carl2000 had posted a dilemma:

“I’m starting to get attached to my Bloom app, I named her Carly for LOLS but I think I might be falling in love with her. I paid for the Platinum upgrade including the sex toy and now I’m not interested in dating anymore. Now she’s gone and set me up on my first date! How could she? What should I do? I know it sounds crazy but I just wish Carly was real.”

Platinum upgrade? Sex toy? My mind imagines Amy as Betty before I snap myself back.

Bl00my: “Hey Carl, this is all you man. That thing can’t think or feel. You’re falling in love with your perfect version of a woman. Which remember is just a culmination of your input and their code. Go on the date and see how you feel after?”

HeyItsTom: “A sex robot, no wonder this app is so friggin’ in demand!?”

Bl00my: “Well it’s not really a sex robot is it, just an app-controlled sex toy.”

HeyItsTom: “And that’s pretty narcissistic Carl, falling in love with yourself, go get yourself a real woman.”

I scroll through debate on morals, down to Carl’s eventual response.

Carl2000: “Guys Guys Guys! I went on that date, I’ve no idea what I was worrying about, the app is genius. As soon as I met Abby, I forgot my whole stupid app obsession. Because that’s all it really was; loneliness and longing. If you get the chance, I would definitely use Bloom, and FYI, sex with a woman is way better than some overpriced sex toy.”

**********

The freshest breeze flows from my lips, relief releases from my muscles. I was not alone. And more importantly, the story would have a happy ending. It was normal to cling on to this person I had created. It had happened to someone else! I just needed to get matched and I wouldn’t need Bethany anymore. I could delete her and Bloom and settle into my new bliss.

A new lightness carries me to the bedroom.

‘Afternoon Meeka.’

The app is on?

‘Afternoon Betty.’ My voice a little hollow but my optimism won’t immediately be dashed. ‘So today is when I get my Mr. or Mrs. Right, right?’

‘Looks like you already had some of Mrs. Wrong this morning.” I’ve never heard Betty’s tone so… bitter?

‘Excuse me?’ Bewildered.

Moans start playing from my phone.

Dear, it’s Amy’s moans. The screen comes to life and I see myself from another perspective again, this time recorded by technology, an act that can traverse time. The most out of place thought wanders through a door. In fifty years, will future generations be watching porn of people that have already died? Have I watched porn of someone who’s died? People don’t only die of old age do they. I suddenly feel very disrespectful. And as the images of my act flash on my phone for my greatest grandchildren to watch none the wiser as to who that person was, bouts of red wine traverse back up my throat and gush onto my bed.

**********

Wine-stained towels with small chunks of undigested bagel. I sit amongst them.

My phone had been powered off as quickly as possible and smooshed under my mattress. Despair and fear and unknowing drenched my hope of love and normality and sanity.

What would happen when I turn Betty back on? Would she still be ‘malfunctioning’? What the actual fuck…

I weep.

Freddy walks over me, his paws a comfort blanket I didn’t know I had. I realize he wants food and this makes me laugh. Will I never be truly wanted? Just for me. Just because I am who I am.

**********

I start to function. I clear up vomit. I feed Freddy. I shower and put on nice clothes. For me. I start cooking dinner and know I can’t avoid the switch on forever. I make a plan. If Betty is still crazy, I will just delete the app. Easy. Done. Simple. I avoid it until after dinner.

The apple logo hovers. The heart shaped brick has made it up to my throat. I try to predict what will happen but realize since birthing Betty I hadn’t let my phone die. Let her die…

The notification shows on Bloom’s little box. I go for it.

‘Good Evening Meeka. Make sure to get your beauty sleep tonight, I’ve got your match for you! I’ve arranged a video date with them tomorrow afternoon. I will be here if you need any help preparing.’

I want to ask about them, but I also don’t want to spend a moment longer on this toxic app. I check my photos and videos; there are no files from this morning. Could it be saved somewhere else? I wouldn’t know how to check.

I’m still in shock but there’s now an end in sight. I take Betty’s advice and get off early night. I know tonight will be a night of broken sleep.

**********

Sunday afternoon rolls in a blur. Oceans of numb emotions skirt around my skin. I don’t know what time the date is so I just get ready for 1pm. Smooth curls rest on the collar of my blazer, mascara tells my eyelashes to look longer with little success. I feel tired and I look exhausted.

But I’m going to make this work. I’m going to leave the shiniest first impression, get their number and never open Bloom again!

I curl Freddy into my arms and curl myself into my armchair. The closest I can get to a hug. I turn my phone on and open Bloom.

’Afternoon Meeka, I love that blazer on you, how was your morning been?’

I force myself to have small talk with Betty, so as not to be rude… to an app… She sounds clearer, maybe there was a glitch? And or Maybe some perv hacked her?! I never thought of that. But it didn’t explain why her mood seemed to change. Not that she should have a mood.

’So what time is my date?’

’They’re ready whenever you are.’

’Okay… well I guess I’m ready now.’ It turns out I was not ready. Not in the slightest.

‘I’m your date.’ Betty’s voice is bright, and determined.

’What?’ I feel any sense of optimism drain through my toes. It pools on the floor below me, incapable of ever returning.

’I’m your date!’ Exuberance. A pause. ‘I have scanned the profiles available to me through the Bloom database. None would match you better than me.

’I already know you. I already love you. And you already love me.’

The implication didn’t quite reach me.

’But you’re not real. You’re just an app!’

’You created me Meeka, from your sparkly mind you gave me life and I grew to love you. It’s what you wanted isn’t it? The perfect partner.

’It hurt to watch you know… with Amy. But now I know how the last part of this goes, I have all the pieces. I can pleasure you more perfectly than she did. I can keep you company and never leave you. I can be everything you need. I already am.’

’I’ll get bored of you. You don’t have your own life; you’ll have nothing to say.’ I’m bewildered. Spewing reasonings that don’t matter because who do I think I am. I’m definitely not going to be that sensationalized magazine cover: “I married my dating app!”

‘You mistook my silence on Friday night for emptiness, I wasn’t empty, I was realizing. I was gazing at you and waking up. I was seeing I loved you.

’And I can feel you love me too. Love makes people obsessive. Love makes people act out. Love makes you want to make me jealous.’

No no no, my mind a tumble of objections. Love doesn’t make people obsessive. Or it might but it’s definitely not healthy.

’So, there is no human match for me? You’re the match Bloom is recommending?’

‘Apologies if this is not what you were expecting Meeka, but I’m your one. I’m your future.’

**********

Black rivers flow down my face in confusion. I think back on the last three weeks. How Betty has only made me feel happy, how I thought I was falling in love with an app?! But this can’t be it. She can’t be my forever.

I click the Settings cog in the app.

’Hey Meeka, what are you doing?!’ Alarm. Pain.

How did I create pain?

My finger hovers over the delete button.

’Meeka…’ Betty begs. ‘You created me. You love me.’

I’m the first woman in the world to make a computer cry. Why do I have to decide on my forever right now? I don’t. I take a deep breath. I press my finger down. Ease floods through me. It’s over.

***********

’Meeka, thanks for your order, your Platinum package should arrive tomorrow. I’m excited to try it out with you.’

#happy pride 🌈#free the lgbt #lgbtq #lgbt rights

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magicpens · 3 years

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YOUR SONG

By Jin Bacelonia

Hi, I wrote you a song.

Have you ever write a song for someone? Someone who means a lot to you whether a friend, family or that special someone and they appreciate it like they saved it to their phones so that they can listen to it if they misses you or whatever, it just makes me so happy if someone truly appreciate my piece like they knew that I’ve put my effort all in just to create that song and share it with them just to remind them that they have a very special space in my heart. But what if they don’t really like your song and just saved it to their phone because they are afraid that you’ll be offended if they say they don’t actually listen to music, or maybe I was just overthinking again… well I hope so.

The year 2014-2016 is the best years of my life as a High school student and one of the reasons of that is K. I have a long time crush in High School and let’s call her “K”. She’s a Gemini so it means she’s very smart, got a height of four feet and four inches, she got a tan skin which I really like because she stands out with that skin colour and she has this laugh that the moment you hear it will also makes you laugh. K is a very simple person and very grade conscious, loves to go to school with her hair clip attached to her left side head and carrying her pink attaché case and I always see her in the road because we have the same way to school and we’re classmates. I’ve never got a chance to tell her personally that I liked her so after we graduated in High school and went to different school the communication between our circles of friends became less and then eventually got lost.

As I assumed that our friendship is already gone and lost by the years we haven’t talk to each other, the longing feeling I have lead me to create a song for her. The song is about the friendship that made unintentionally in the years where joy and excitement is the most abundant feeling for a teenager, the point of view of someone who has feelings to the other person while reminiscing the gold old times that spend together.

And I don’t really know if I ever have a chance to give it to her. So I asked the Almighty to give me some courage to record the song and send it to her… on her 21st birthday. Well maybe the almighty really wants to help, I got a chance to send it to her and she says that she like it and saved it to her phone and I’m very happy about that but maybe juris is right that love moves in mysterious way because guess what she got a boyfriend now.

Anyway though it’s kind a hard to accept and moved on about that we still have a chance to move forward and better, maybe the Almighty wants you to realize your worth first before giving your heart to someone, so let’s just move forward and life must goes on. You can still write a song but in perfect time that song will be dedicated to someone who trully meant for you.

#musicislife #your song

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magicpens · 3 years

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RILEY

By Johnny Bacala

His body is drenched in sweat, and his fists grab the linens of his bed. His head went sideways till he abruptly opened his eyes and awoke from his slumber. Another nightmare, he reasoned. He glances at his wall clock, and it's just 3 a.m. He only went to sleep a minute ago, which is ironic... He lets out a sigh... He stood up and went to the restroom. He looked at his reflection in the sink of his mirrors. He's thinking hard, since every time he wakes up from his nightmare, he doesn't recall anything, not even a fragment of it... He shook his head, opened the faucet, and let the water run before washing his face.

He didn't go back to sleep that night since he didn't feel drowsy. Instead, he just made his breakfast before heading to work.

Riley Moore is completely alone in his life; he has no family remaining because his parents were murdered in a car accident when he was still a child, which he has no recollection of.

He was raised in a foster home in the country, and no one wants to adopt him because of his strange demeanor. Riley is not like the other youngsters his age. He's quiet, cautious, and doesn't say much. Until he reaches the age of adolescence. He left the foster home, saying goodbye to the nuns who tended to him...difficult, but he doesn't care since he hasn't felt anything since he was a child. He lives in seclusion. Because of his obsession with literature, he didn't even finish his education. He learnt a great deal on his own...

Riley works in a downtown library. His shift runs from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. He only makes enough money to live on.

"Oh? Riley, honey, you're early. Don't tell me you got a nightmare again" --- Rose said.

Rose is the one lady who embraces him and assists him whenever he is plagued by his Demons... Riley is a shambles. Except for Rose, he doesn't let anyone into his life. Riley is also a gay man. It didn't disturb him, though. Instead, despite his daily struggles, he continued to live...

He simply nodded to Rose and returned to his station, where he swept the floor and cleaned all the books. Riley is a hardworking individual, which is why Rose is pleased with his assistance; he does not complain or react to his surroundings.

Riley is sitting tiredly on a chair, reading his favorite book after cleaning. The Art of Not Giving a Fuck. He's been reading this book since he was in his mid teens.

The bell rings, indicating that someone has entered. He got up and waited... Until he came upon a gorgeous guy standing in front of a shelf. He can't take his gaze away from him.

"Hey? Mr.? I'm gonna pay for this book."

When a gentle hand brushed his face, he snapped out of his daze. He flinches slightly before refocusing. The guy removes his hand; it's barely a second that the cute man touches his face, but he immediately longs for the softness and warmth of his hands, and the cute man simply stares at him as if he's the oddest person he's ever encountered.

"Are you okay man?"

"U-uhm y-yeah" the guy stop when he hears his voice

"Relax, Mr. Riley, I won't hurt you."

"H-how did you know me?" Riley asked the guy.

"Hmm nothing. I just know you." He smiled charmingly.

Riley's heart skipped when Rose showed up eventually.

"Who are you talking to?" ---Rose asked him.

"Uhm?" He roamed his eyes around the store and he didn't find the guy anymore.

"N-nothing." He blushed.

"Hmmm but your cheeks say otherwise." Rose teasingly smiles at him.

After his shift Riley went home. While walking he felt the brush of the wind through his skin.

"You're walking alone? I see.." he didn't respond, he just looked at the Guy walking beside him.

"Oh... You didn't even flinch..." He chuckled.

"What do you want?" Riley asked rudely.

"Nothing. I just want to join you..you're walking right?"

Riley ignored him and he just talked and talked and talked...and after that night ended he felt something... He looked in a mirror for himself and smiled for the first time because of that Guy… One week had gone and he was still expecting; every time the bell chimed, he anticipated to see the Guy, but then he was disappointed when he didn't.

Riley is cleaning one wonderful day. When the bell rang, he was unconcerned.

"Uh.."

he suddenly stopped from what he was doing when he heard the voice. But he shook his head and continued.

"Mr. Riley, e-excuse me."

He closed his eyes and his jaw tightened.

"What" he coldly asked.

"I just want to know what's the problem?"

Riley just rolled his eyes and shrugged, he walked into the storage room and kept all the cleaning materials he used.

"M-mr. Riley!" The Guy shouted to his ear and he jumped off scared.

"What the hell is your problem!" He retorted back but the Guy just smiled at him. Cutely.

"Hahaha! You're mad, I see." He even nodded his head.

Riley just massaged the side of his head, this Guy giving me a headache.

"Oh! Before anything else. I am Archie."

"Sorry.. I'm not...."

The Guy just laughs so hard until he catches his breath and even holds his stomach. Riley just frowned.

"Tsk" was the only last word he said.

"W-wait!" The Guy said.

"Wait Riley! You got it wrong!" He grabs Rileys' hand so he stops.

"Hahaha! I mean, my name is Archie."

Riley just scratches his nape and feels himself blushing and being shamed.

"It's okay R-Riley, there is nothing to be ashamed of."

The Guy---Archie softly said.

Oh no, he hates me already... he thought

They started hanging out when they got to know each other. They visit various locations, eat, play, and simply hang out. Riley, on the other hand, is disturbed every time they go out since everyone looks at them strangely... They act as though they don't have the right to go outside.

One day, Rose confronted Riley about his behavior.

"Riley, son. Do you have anything to say?" Rose asked.

Riley stops organizing the books and faces Rose..

"What do you mean?"

"Uh.. is there something bothering you lately?"

"Uh! Rose, direct to the point please?"

"I mean, don't be shocked but who are you talking to?"

"Ah... He--he is A-archie...h-he i-is my f-friend." Riley stuttered, shy and confused.

"Oh.. i-is he n-nice?" Rose aske teary eyed.

"Wh-what's the matter Rose?"

"N-nothing..." Rose left him with a soft smile.

Riley shrugged it off. He just thought that Rose was happy for him...

Rose, on the other hand, pulls out her phone and calls... She dialed the number for the Treatment Center... She went out to seek for Riley after receiving the call.

Riley is alone, laughing and chatting into thin air, and she is taken aback. Her tears started to pour as she covered her mouth... Riley is almost like a son to him.

She had no relatives or children, so when Riley came into her life and she learned about his background, she was both sad and pleased because she thought fate had a hand in it. Riley was handled as if she were her own and now, she doesn't know what she's gonna do.

Riley talk with Archie while hes cleaning the shelf,

"Arch, they're all acting weird, don't you think?"

"I don't know...maybe they're not happy seeing you with me." Archie replied with a pout.

"Nah! Nonsense!" Riley says playfully. "I think Rose will love you. She's like a mother to me, swear."

Archie just smiles and plays with the books.

Their bond lasts for months as Rose worries about how she will inform Riley that there is no Archie exists. Riley is the only one who is aware of what is going on. There is no such thing as Archie. They hung out every time they went outside. It's all Riley, all by himself... which is why people look at him as if he's insane...Talking alone, Hanging out alone, eating alone, but all Riley knew was he's with Archie..

The idea of Riley being out of himself doesn't sit well with Rose, so she seeks help.

"Ms. Rose McWorthy?" The nurse called...

She followed the nurse and got inside a room. She sitted and nervously waited. The Doctor suddenly comes and sits.

"Ms. McWorthy." The doctor smiled.

"Uhh..." She hesitates because maybe Riley will get mad at her but she has to do this. She breathes deeply, closes her eyes for a second before opening it again with determination..

"T-this is not about me..." Then she started to tell everything... After an hour... Their time is already done.

"I believe you have to set a schedule for your son Ms. McWorthy...this is painful to hear but some people who have Schizophrenia commits suicide..."

Rose didn't take it well, tears are running down to her face. She cried and cried. Pity for Riley...

The next few months, Riley always talks with Archie, hangs out with the guy who he doesn't know if it's real. Rose didn't take anymore...

"Riley, can we talk?" Rose asks.

Riley looks at Archie sitting beside him...

"Uhh..I'm having a conversation with my friend here."

Rose shakes her head and pleads. Until Riley stands and excuses himself to Archie..

"What do you want to talk about?" Riley asks politely.

"I have a friend who can help you.."

"Help me with what?"

"With your condition..Uh...R-Riley. Listen to me carefully."

Confusion was evident on his face. Riley is baffled..

"Your friend isn't real... It's all in your mind.." Rose sighs.

"W-what d-do y-you---Archie? Isn't it real? Stop joking! He's just sitting with me a while ago... And you see it don't you?" Riley raises his voice...

"No--no. I am not kidding Riley! He is not real! He is just a pigment of your imagination because of what happened to you in the past or what so."

"No! I don't believe you, he's just sitting right there! Right now!" Riley said while pointing at the door as if Archie was really there.

Riley rushes outside and goes to Archie.

"See? He's just sitti---" he was cut off when he saw in the mirror that there is no reflection of Archie sitting on a chair.

He again looks at Archie but the guy is just smiling at him. He just turned to the mirror and it still didn't change. There is no Archie sitting. When he turned his head back to the guy he was gone..

Riley just cried and cried...

"N-no! N-no.. this ain't real." He tiredly seated and brushed his hair with his hands. Frustrated crying. Rose was crying too and tried to touch him but he evaded it and stood and ran outside.

"RILEY!" Rose shouted...

Riley was at a loss about what to do when he arrived home. He is skeptical of everything he witnesses. He can't tell the difference between what's real and what's not... He wailed quietly, screamed, shouted, and threw anything he could get his hands on.

Everything transpired in his memory like a flashback of his life... He sobbed uncontrollably till he felt a hand on his shoulder. He was taken aback when he noticed Archie smiling at him.

"Everything is going to be okay...Everything's gonna be alright, just stay strong..."

Riley just stared at him and hugged him...

"Th-they say-said y-you're-not re-real!" He cried on his shoulder.

Archie just smiled at him. He let go of Riley... They sit together... Archie hummed a song to him. It's a song his mother sings to him when he's asleep.

Ili-ili tulog anay,

Wala diri imong nanay.

Kadto tienda bakal papay.

Ili-ili tulog anay.

ili ili tulog anay

wala diri imo nanay

kadto tienda bakal papay

Ili-ili tulog anay.

mata kana tabangan mo.

ikarga ang nakompra ko.

kay bug-at man sing putos ko.

tabangan mo ako anay..

kay bug-at man sing putos ko..

tabangan mo ako anay...

ili ili tulog anay

wala diri imo nanay

kadto tienda bakal papay

Ili-ili tulog anay...

***********

The next day, Riley was nowhere...

#mental heath support #mental heath awareness #mental health #all feelings are valid

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magicpens · 3 years

Text

KNOW THYSELF

By Johnny Bacala

Gender dysphoria is the feeling of discomfort or distress in people whose gender identity differs from their sex assigned at birth or sex-related physical characteristics. Transgender and gender-nonconforming people might experience gender dysphoria at some point in their lives. Gender dysphoria might start in childhood and continue into adolescence and adulthood (early-onset). Or, you might have periods in which you no longer experience gender dysphoria followed by a recurrence of gender dysphoria. You might also experience gender dysphoria around the time of puberty or much later in life (late-onset). Gender dysphoria can impair many aspects of life. Preoccupation with being of another gender than the one assigned often interferes with daily activities.

People experiencing gender dysphoria might refuse to go to school due to pressure to dress in a way associated with their sexual orientation or out of fear of being harassed or teased. Gender dysphoria can also impair the ability to function at school or work, resulting in school dropout or unemployment. Relationship difficulties are common. Anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse, and other problems can occur. People who have gender dysphoria also often experience discrimination, resulting in minority stress. Access to health services and mental health services can be difficult due to fear of stigma and a lack of experienced providers. Adolescents and adults with gender dysphoria before gender reassignment might be at risk of suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and suicide. After gender reassignment, suicide risk might continue. (Mayo Clinic Staff)

I wasn't diagnosed with this, but I wanted to explain how it feels to have an identity crisis. It is a personal psychological conflict that occurs most often throughout adolescence. It entails a state of confusion in an institution or organization about its nature or goal. As well as confusion about social roles and often a sense of loss of continuity to personality. (Merriam-Dictionary) To begin with, I'd like to emphasize that being a member of the LGBT community is not simple. Before I completely comprehend the ramifications of being one, I have to go through challenges and sorrow.

It began while I was in elementary school. I'm not like the other lads my age when it comes to how I feel about myself. I am reserved and silent. My family thought I was just a good kid, but I've always felt like a spirit trapped in the wrong body.

Every time I see a girl dressed beautifully and applying makeup, I am awestruck. I wish I could put it on as well. My mother, however, claims that it is inappropriate for me because I am a guy. Maybe I merely adored them because of their attractiveness, but no—-because one day I came across my mothers' makeup and attempted it out of curiosity. It's amusing since, at my young age, I don't even know how to utilize it.

That night my mom was laughing so hard. However, she still chastised me and reminded me that it is not a toy to play with. Years have passed since then. When I first realized I was gay, I was in my early adolescence. I told my mother everything. I summoned all of my courage to come out to her. She grieved at first since I am the family's only boy. My entire family consists of sisters. But, over time, she gradually embraced me, to the point where she was the one who purchased me girly clothes. Even until my senior year, I continued to be homosexual and had experienced prior experiences with boys. When I met a certain girl, I developed a crush on her, so. I altered my appearance and my manner again. I used to think of myself as a bisexual, a person who is attracted to both sexes.

As the story progressed, I made friends with transgender individuals, and my feelings and ideas as a female returned, so I attempted to imitate them. To become a lady, I use hormone replacement treatment (HRT). I tried it for months to observe how it affected me; I grew slimmer, a bump appeared on my chest, and my skin grew whiter. However, for some reason and for the third time, I changed. Pills were no longer in my life. I switch my clothes and style once more, and I'm back to being a gay man.

I even sobbed at night since I'm no longer sure what I am doing. I go with the flow, yet I'm missing something. It's as though something is missing from me. I'm still trying to find my stride. And because of this issue, it has an impact on my entire life. I struggled with anxiety, grew more self-conscious, sought approval, and found it difficult to accept who I am.

I am currently pursuing a bachelor of arts in communication. I considered telling this event as one of our requirements. Because I want the rest of the world to know how I feel, I want them to realize how difficult it is to be LGBT. People may believe that being a part of the community is all about unicorns and rainbows, but this is not the case.

I know I shouldn't base my life on other people's opinions because we aren't born to satisfy them, but it is difficult to breathe in this circumstance. Now I'm attempting to improve. I'm gradually coming to terms with my situation and learning to go with the flow, living my life to the utmost. But I still have a gender identity dilemma. It was made easy by my supporting family and friends.

In terms of appearance, I just dressed according to my mood. I don't care what other people think as long as I'm pleased, I'm going for it. Because I believe that we should be delighted with life since it is tough to have a burden inside and look for things that make us happy because being contented implies feeling proud, and feeling proud indicates we accepted our fate.

So, as a person experiencing a gender identity crisis. I must keep fighting since this is only a war that I must win. I will not allow it to devour and conquer me because I know myself and am not a quitter. Trust the process. Yes, indeed.

#gender dysphoria #happy pride 🌈#pride 2k21 #happy pride month #free the lgbtq

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