Between two
Between two-
I’m stuck between two
One is old
And
One is new
This feeling I feel
Is burning between the line
I’m made a younger/older brother
By my design
Annoying yet lovely
All at the same time
No memories of one to remind
Yet has insight on a world that’s mine
And memories of one to remember
That I give insight on a world that’s theirs
While one shares has half my blood
While another is a different kind of matter
I’m stuck between two
One is old
And
One is new
How else is appropriate two categorize these
Something that is the same
Yet different
In the way that
Sameness is a different person/place/thing
That changes the reality of me
A now younger/older brother
Torn at the seams
It seems
Between two separate ones
That are by adjective
The same
But if measured by causality
Are different completely
They are two
Separated
I’m stuck between two
One is old
And
One is new
One is my older half biological brother
One is my younger brother I’m adopted into
One I’ve only just met
One I’ve know a long time
Two are my brothers
I’m stuck between two
One is old
And
One is new
-Nate
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18 years of weight
1000 years of weight-
I’ve lived 18
Damed years
But my mind is older
And I shoulder that
So much more
Than that
Of 18 years of age
But can you see
The weight that rips
Me and tears me down
Deep into the ground
I’m 1000
-Nate
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This world
This world-
We're up to our balls
In smoothie flavors
But we're not anywhere
In our minds when compared
To the rest of the global situations
Dumb as trash
But you're only asking
For me to turn on my notifications
Schools out
What's the worry
And the state of our "great" nation
Sitting ducks
Waiting to be overruled
Reign over us
Tricked us with your power moves
Praising the sun
But it's behind the moon
Total eclipse
Now I'm just
Laying stupid full of doom
Our leader looked up
And his eyes when boom
Take in all the madness
As we all listen to the sadness
We don’t care about
Because it’s not about
Ourselves
Which is
A word we pretend not to know
But low and behold
Hearing it makes out insides glow
We’re vain as a mirror
No ones eyes are clear
Even mine
And I’m the one trying to remind
Anyone who sees this
That we’re dying
No one seems to be trying
Anymore
Yolo I guess as I scream
Jumping out the door
It’s four in the morn
And I can’t sleep without
All forty of my pills
Hopped up on that good buzz
And good bye
To expensive trills
Because hurting yourself
Is free now
Like just
Let him Beat you
Let him Kill you
Now Date him
Let him Take you
Let him Rape you
Now
This life is wack
We’re all chasing stacks
While somewhere in the middle
We wage war
On middle class
And you stand up
And look at me like that
It’s disgusting
We’re disgusting
And no body seems to see
This messed up
Fucked up world
I breathe
In
But it won’t come out
Because I’m filled with doubt
That I belong here
No way
I’ll pray
My glorious road out
A line a pills
A rope all tied
A wrist slit 9 to 5
800 multiple godforsaken times
And even if I jump
I’ll end up here
This is purgatory
I fear
And I ask
Really what is this world
I’m attached to
-Nate
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18 Soon
18 soon-
18 is coming up
And I'm excited but I
Don't wanna let the whole
World know it
Because lord
Knows I'm a scared to show it
My pride
My happiness
Of a now man free to be
What he has wanted to see
A smiling gay guy
Looking back at me
And back to me
I still can't be
Who I really am
And I hide
Knowing that that's a life that's bleak
Because I know people who say it would
Block my ascendancy
To enter the
World where
My age wouldn't matter
And I float through the air
As my ghostly dead atoms
Are in the arms of the judges
Who live in clouds
Dressed in all white
But in this scenario they all pout
As they welcome a reformed former sinner
To their world where
There’s no one similar
And they then chain
My now dead translucent legs
And my heavy head
With my weak arms
To the bound billowing bench
Above which
The court master sits
Looks down at this stupid faggot bitch
And they then spit
Their shit
Screaming like
You’re damn near 18
And you’re crawling to me
Begging to make all the bleeding pass
Piss-trash like you won’t make it
Let alone last
And after I repeatedly explain this
Dream-like
Possibility of a future now
I cannot shake that
I’ll be 18 soon.
-Nate
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Happy, Good Guy
Happy, good guy-
When I see him smile
It breaks me because
I know he could be
Such a happy, good guy
Yet he gives
Let gives to a power
I still can’t comprehend
But a strong command it is
As he bends
And I’m sadly forced to watch
This punch that hurts
And breaks
A poor, sad guy
And I still sit watch wait
And wonder why
A could be happy, good guy
Would do this to himself
Reflecting back to the thought
About how
Time is cruel and evil
So in years to come
You’ll be a sad sad, good guy
In a sad sad, bad time
That you can’t let go
Because a bully told you no
Submit you did
Then you let them push you in
Deeper
But in this sense deeper
Isn’t better
Isn’t wetter
And deeper isn’t simple
It’s complex
Forced onto
A unfree will of
A human being
Force being something
Their infrastructure wars against
Like hate and
A strongly one sided love
Things of which make
The possibility of a happy, good guy
The slim slim
Slimmest of possibilities
And still at the end of this thought
I still pray and wonder ought
Why he does this to himself
Because I care so much
But I can’t bare to look above
Then I stress and give up
Dead I start screaming at the clouds
About why such a sad sad, good guy
Should be a happy, good guy
And the reason I’ve come up with
That seems to sum it all up is:
Because, I love him.
-Nate
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Reminded me
Reminded me-
He told me to text him when I got home
So he knew I was safe
I used to do that and
I guess I stopped
Because I stopped caring
But when I heard it tonight
It reminded me
That there are some things I do care about
That there are some people
I really do
I really do care about
And I want to remind them
I really do
I really do care
A lot
-Nate
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Trigeminal Neuralgia
Trigeminal Neuralgia-
My face hurts
My face hurts, again
My face hurts, again, and again
My face hurts, again, again, and again
My face hurts all the fucking time.
-Nate
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To care
To care-
I don't know what to say
When you have already said everything
In such a short way
When you held my hand and we laid closely
Saying nothing
But saying so much
You should know
That I care too
I just am bad at telling you
Because I'm scared to show
The world and more
That I feel just like them
So next time
We lay closely
And our limbs are tied ropes
I want you to know
I care so much
-Nate
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My rutual
My ritual- I go out into the mainly empty parking lot, The one by my house and the park, and get a drink, Whatever I feel like, Tonight it's a smoothie. And I sit in my car, All the lights off, And I write, About everything I've kept inside, Tonight it happens to be raining, Which is when I think I also share the deepest, I think maybe the sounds of downpour lull me, Causing me to just let go, Kinda like the clouds, Tonight, Specifically, Because I'll let you in on a little secret, In my car, I'm accompanied by an unlit cigarette, Which I allow my lips to taint, But I never burn it, Because even though I carry a lighter in my car, I know when I'm here, Vulnerable, I can still make the right choices, And that is my ritual. -Nate
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Same difference
Same difference- Even if it was a matter of Choosing What would it matter if I choose A he Instead of A she -Nate
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Change
Change- You say I don't deserve a bigger tip than 2$, But you grew up in an age where gas was 18 cents So next time I hear you cry about How you miss the America you knew And how you wanna go where it went I might just take you up on that and let you die Because this place is changing and it's a different world Where we maybe have to kill some things to survive -Nate
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Enough
Enough- We said we would go out tonight But instead I'm laying face up on your bed Our fight was kinda ugly I didn't mean to insist That what you were doing was wrong But on second thought Maybe I did Because who knows what's cooked up In my maze-like mind Then you said "I was just one of many guys" And I said "that's okay" But you wanted me to feel bad So you grabbed me And had your way After that I realized I was right You are just awful And speaking of which Where the fuck is my damn mom It's later than I had thought And there's no phone call Full of angry voices That cover a parents thoughts As you hold me closer And say "I love you dearly" I don't know you So don't say that But then I cheerfully reply "I love you too, you're my favorite cuddly guy" And that was that I never spoke again And when I finally got home To the people Who forgot that I exist It was all "okay" Because I learned a lesson I'll never ever forget It's my choices that Make me feel So pent up Against a wall I've been beaten raw until I can't take anymore But I always slide back down into the slope That turns me backwards to shit And hate myself for letting Myself end up like this So I think it's time ask my soul When will I be done With my self destructing bullshit That I don't think anyone loves And when will I finally end up dead Maybe that will answer my main question of "When will I have enough?" -Nate
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Bones and blood
Bones and blood- Gold and silver, Bones and blood, Which are more important to us, Do we see what we take, Do we take what we want, Do you see what I mean? Gold and silver, Are more important than me. -Nate
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Friends in the morning
Friends in the morning- It was 40 past midnight at Walmart and when The milk spilled on your shoulder and The smile which revealed your whites From cheek to cheek Looked my way I realized I didn't care that it was now 43 past midnight at Walmart And I just wanted you to laugh at That joke I cracked Then take me somewhere else with you But I know you couldn't and you were tired So when you joked about sleeping on The couch when you dropped me off In my head I thought of us in bed No sex, only slow breathing just limbs tangled and face to face A warm embrace But because I know we said it jokingly And maybe parts of me hoped It could be something else It's sad that my brain had to call you a friend In my driveway at 24 past 1 in the morning -Nate
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Friends in the morning
Friends in the morning- It was 40 past midnight at Walmart and when The milk spilled on your shoulder and The smile which revealed your whites From cheek to check Looked my way I realized I didn't care that it was now 43 past midnight at Walmart And I just wanted you to laugh at That joke I cracked Then take me somewhere else with you But I know you couldn't and you were tired So when you joked about sleeping on The couch when you dropped me off In my head I thought of us in bed No sex, only slow breathing just limbs tangled and face to face A warm embrace But because I know we said it jokingly And maybe parts of me hoped It could be something else It's sad that my brain had to call you a friend In my driveway at 23 past 1 in the morning -Nate
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Unexpected events
Unexpected events-
I’m facing cars
Which come in waves
And have 2 lights
Either blinding suns
Or the average bulbs
This wave seems
To be average
But as it reaches the end
Which should give me space
To turn into a Concrete Jungle
I’m blinded by 3 sets of suns
And still with my eyes closed
I turn
Ever persistent
-Nate
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Late June
Late June- It's 8:42pm on June 22 I'm happy I'm okay I'm about to go on a date Anything that happens was meant to be It's 12:45pm on June 22 I'm not sure what may happen And if this will lay where it fell I'm not sure how to walk inside my home It's 3:26am on June 23 My dogs caused a problem I'm thinking about hours before I'm thinking I'll somehow make what feels fake Stay fake It's 1:48pm It must work -Nate
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