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neo-culture-mafia · 4 years

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IV. Sorry, My Dear

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️

The following story contains themes of suicidal thoughts and addiction. Please do not read if you find these themes triggering in any way. Read this post before reading this piece of FICTION

Have you heard the story of the guy,

Who decided not to die?

"Another day at the office...another day in hell." Jae mumbled to himself. The black lettering seemed never ending as he moved page after page.

Everyone was long gone and he was left with his thoughts that reflected the current state of his desk: scattered and full on unwanted words.

"Come on, Jae. Let's go get drinks with Boss." Jae had mimicked the voices of the other associates that worked in the office today. "No. I'm good. Got to finish this work. Beep-boop-boop." He moved his arms in a robot-like fashion.

"Look at me. Working me life away. Jaehyun. That's my name." He moved the papers in random places. This would be Jae's 4th breakdown this week where he needed to tell himself to hold on until tomorrow.

Johnnny looked on in concern from behind the entrance wall. "No good, Jaehyun. Don't wear it out." Jae's hands waves over his head in a dramatic fashion as he pushed himself around in his wheeled office chair.

It wasn't until Johnny saw Jae's hands form into a gun shape that he intervened in the middle of his best friend's scary emotional outburst.

"Jae! There you are!" He rushed over and punched his friend's arm. The look in Jaehyun's eyes made Johnny uneasy. It looked like he had been caught which made him break more. "You almost finished? I wanted to catch a movie with you and maybe have a hangout night," Jae was taken aback by the energy outburst at 2 am.

He could only look at Johnny's excited face from where he sat in his chair, strands of hair obstructing only pieces of his vision. "I got the new Call of Duty and PubG for the console." Johnny's hands rummaged in his pockets till he pulled out his phone, his eyebrows wiggling fiercely. "It's only...2:17. We got all the time in the world."

Johnny picked up Jae's suit jacket that was thrown over the cubicle wall and the younger boy's heavy bag. "I'll drive." Johnny pulled Jae up and turned off his lamp.

They were in the darkness of the office and Jae was still shocked that he was caught before he got worse.

"What do you wanna eat? Steak? McDonald's? Junk food?" Johnny's rambling was tuned out of Jae's mind. He followed the taller man willingly down and out of the office building and to his familiar car.

"Uh...doesn't matter." Was the first thing that came out of Jaehyun's mouth. "Then we'll get everything." Johnny's laugh made Jae's heart swell with hope for the first time in weeks.

'Maybe next time,' he thought, 'I'll hang out with Johnny one last time.'

The car ride was filled with laughter and being in the cold air surrounding the both of them.

Johnny still wonders to this day what would've happened if he didn't walk in the time he did. He had been called to pick up the paperwork from Jae's desk but was met with a sad reality.

Jaehyun wanted to escape reality.

Just kill me in my sleep,

Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen

This was it...this was the day. He's written the letters and found a place to go calmly. He was in a euphoric sense that nothing really mattered anymore.

He had been on cloud 9 all week as he's happily been overworked and no one ever asked how he had been doing.

Right now, he was just driving. Driving to take in his home city one last time.

The sun was setting when he came to Han River Park. The clusters of happy people congregated in small bursts of happiness and 'its okay' and 'everything will be alright's.

He parked and stood at the grass's edge. He took deep breaths as the air swept across his body calmly. "Everything is so beautiful." He whispered to himself as he watched the birds dance across the water with such grace.

The lump in his throat that made it home was beginning to ache. Yet, he swallowed his pride and continued looking over the people who would continue their own story's even after his had reached the end. The credits would roll and everyone would walk away from the theater without a second thought.

"I mean. I get that's it's pretty. But I haven't seen someone cry at the scenery since my last romance movie." He was snapped out of reality to see a girl standing next to him.

"Excuse me?" Was all he could manage to get out.

You chuckled, sticking your hand out. "Y/n." You introduced yourself and he was trying to not shake your hand, look the other way, and leave without another word being exchanged.

"Jaehyun." His actions spoke for him as he reached his hand out to meet yours. Your hand was soft and warm in his. A warmness and calm he hasn't felt in a while.

"I'm gonna go get some ice cream. Wanna come?" You barely knew him and we're asking him to accompany you to a sweet treat. "You don't know me." Jae got defensive, his arms crossing over his chest.

"I could be a murderer and you invited me for ice cream?" His questions had your face turn up. "Well I'm sure that murderers like ice cream too. So let's go." You grabbed his arm and pulled him down the long stretch of concrete. You walked and tried to match your steps with his long strides. Your arm cutely wrapped around his as you walked.

"So tell me about yourself, Mr. Jaehyun."

He figured living was just easier than falling really high

"We need to clean." You whined while rolling around in the vast bed full of messed up sheets and a relaxing Jaehyun. "Not now. I just wanna cuddle." He grabbed your body and held you close.

"No. We've been cuddling all day. We need to clean." You got up and pulling at his hands. "You can clean the closet and I can clean the rest of the room. Then cuddles." You reasoned and he groaned as he got up, giving into your wishes.

"Fine." He automatically sat on the ground and opened your shared closet doors.

"I'll be tidying up around here." You ruffled his hair and kissed the top of his head sweetly. "If you need anything just shout." He called as you exited the room to probably start on the kitchen.

Box after box of paperwork and more paperwork from the last 10 years of working in his like of work.

Your singing could be heard through your house as you comedically sang some of the greatest hits. His laughter broke through the apartment when your own voice shook with laughs.

He came upon some photo books with Polaroids of you and him. The last 2 years had been lived in a heaven like state. He hadn't touched alcohol and drugs like he was earlier in his life...before you changed him.

His physical and mental growth were apparent in the pictures as he flipped through the pages. Your hand drawn hearts and small journal entries under some photos had his heart beating rapidly with joy.

He put the book next to his side to look at later with you. His hand came across an unmarked cardboard photo box that had a thin layer of dust on it.

He jiggled the lid off and was met with envelopes. The letters. His notes to his bosses and his friends apologizing for what he was about to do.

Apologizing for the mess they were going to have to clean up in his apartment and in the office where his files would never be filed. Apologizing for giving up so easily and not serving out the rest of his life like he had sworn. Apologizing for not being strong enough to ask for help when he really tried to make it obvious. Apologizing to whoever had to find him after it was all said and done.

Apologizing for not saying goodbye.

"Hey. Do we have any tile cle- oooo letters. Who are they to?" Your voice had made Jae jump like when Johnny caught him that dark night in the office. Like he was caught doing and thinking stuff he shouldn't be.

"No one. Me. In 50 years. Y'know," he shrugged, tossing them back in the box and throwing them in the closet and standing up quickly, "time capsule thing me and the guys did." He shrugged it off and you could only nod.

"Well that's cool. Can't wait to see how you've grown." Your smile had his own lips mimicking in want. Wanting to have your blissful ignorance of what those letters really were.

"Oh yeah. Do we have any more tile cleaner?" You asked and he lead you out to the closet where he scowered the top shelves in search for the cleaning supply.

"You can have it. For a kiss." He held it above his head. You waste no time in kissing his cheek and pulling on his arm till you grabbed the cleaner and ran. His laughs chased your own as you both wrestled for a while.

Both of you laid on the living room carpet, just enjoying the close presence.

His heart was at peace.

I'm okay,

I feel a little bit sick

You had began to notice how Jae had been getting more dull. A year had passed since the night you pointed out the letters. It began to go all down hill from there.

He gave you the same love and affection he usually did, but his eyes held no emotion to big events outside. Alcohol had started to replace meals and sleep.

"Jae you need to eat." You laid a hand on his shoulder softly. "I'm actually going to go grab a drink with some of the boys." And like that. He was out of the apartment. Yet, everytime he came stumbling in the front door with a stench that could repel nuclear waste, you nurses him into bed. Setting an aspirin and water next to his head. Most nights didn't wrap up until 4 am when you knew he was home safe.

You slept with your arms wrapped strongly around his body, afraid he would try to get up and leave to drink again without you noticing.

Mornings would be a rough time as you awoke to a sick Jaehyun who couldn't tell left from right. You were there were comforting words and endless services if bet only asked.

His guilt ate at his chest till there was a free falling feeling that would cease when he took his first shot.

He knew he was getting bad again. He knew he needed to get help but everytime he woke up to face an aspirin and a cool glass of water, the guilt made him drink even more the next night.

He sometimes wished you would leave him to make this easier on you. He wished you would fall out of love and go to bed before he got home.

He wished you didn't introduce yourself in the first place.

But have you heard,

The story of the guy who decided not to die?

Jaehyun got clean again. He started being more present in reality and eventually returned to normal. Sometimes he did get carried away with the alcohol but you were there to help him put down the bottle.

He started openly hanging out with his friends in large gatherings where he didn't mind starting the conversation. He got addicted on life again.

You were all out on a big dinner. You and the other women of the mafia men gathered in the social room while Jae and his closest friends talked and joked around in the parlor.

"Want another drink?" Mark asked as he nudged Jae's elbow. "No I'm okay. I hit my limit for the night."

His friends were the most supportive people that he originally thought wouldn't be. Once be reached his limit, they all switched to fruity drinks followed by water. "So I need your guys' help with something." Jae smiled, taking the blue chalk and rubbing it on the worn end of the billiard's stick.

"What's up, dude?" Johnny asked and all the boys tuned into Jaehyun and his request. "I want to propose to y/n." He said and the room automatically erupted in shouts and cheers. "Sssshhhh." He tried to shush everyone. They remembered the presence of the women in the building and quickly shut up.

"Y/n said she wanted a wedding in the flower fields about.." Jae recalled the previous conversation he had with you. "2 hours from here?" He said and Hyuck automatically knew which ones he was talking about. "It's going to have to be a spring wedding!" He said excitedly and grabbing a pad of paper and a pen from his pocket.

"Alright, lover boy, spill." He said knocking all of the pool balls out of the way, "hey we were playing!" Doyoung protested and Hyuck could only write down the location of the fields, "I'm helping our brother get a wife. Go play with your balls somewhere else." He back handed which caused the room to erupt in laughter.

"Okay. Now. I'm going to need time to get the catering. I'm thinking pork," Hyuck rambled writing down the possible ideas, "or is she more of a chicken person?" he continued which caused some of the boys to chuckle at the wedding-excited nature no one knew Hyuck possessed in himself.

"Also I need to find a cake. I would make it myself but we all know that these beautiful hands would be wrinkly by the time I'm done icing cake for 500 people-" "500?!" Jae said loudly which caused Johnny to slap a hand over his younger friends mouth. "Well duh. That's a minimum." Donghyuck shook his head, drawing a picture of what the cake needed to look like. "amateur."

"I need to get the ring first." Jae said quietly and Taeyong piped in. "Don't even worry about it. I'll take you in the morning to the jewler's to pick out the bands and diamonds. Maybe you could get an engagement ring with her birth stone then the real ring with yours and your wedding band could have hers." Taeyong started rambling ideas, Hyuck writing lightning speed on the pad of paper.

"I call doing the gifts!" Mark and Jungwoo said at the same time. "I'm nominating myself as the planner." Hyuck said writing the roles down. "I'll get the tuxes for us." Taeil nominated himself for the job with a smile. "We need to get Yuta and the rest of the boys up here!" Doyoung brought up a good point.

"Yuta will just bring baby supplies. We're not telling him until a day before the ceremony." Hyuck pointed at the boys but was met with a hit upside the head from Johnny.

"I have to find out the color palette. I'll go to Renjun and then I'll go to Jaemin for the fireworks- Jisung will be the flower girl." Donghyuck kept rattling off things he needed to get done.

"Thank you for giving me this job. I won't let you down." He finally said, laying a hand on Jaehyun's shoulder.

"Better not. It need to be perfect for her. Perfection deserves perfection." Jae said and some gagged while other coo'd at his unwithering love you for you.

The chatty hustle didn't cease as Johnny patted on Jaehyun's shoulder. "You okay?" Johnny asked with a smile on his face. Jaehyun couldn't keep the smile off of his own face. "Never better. On cloud 9." He said and Johnny's heart eased from the constant fear of Jae not being here the next day. But he didn't need to worry anymore.

"I actually need to ask you." Jae said finally putting the polished stick down on the table. "Will you be my best man?" Johnny's eyes lit up like fireworks as he brought Jae in for a manly yet friendly hug.

"I'm so proud of you, Jaehyun."

I'm enamored with the thought of seeing angels in the sky singing,

Singing, "Everything's alright."

Jaehyun proposed the next week. You both went out to an amazing and fancy moonlit dinner where you both danced and decided to start this new journey together.

Then two days after the proposal, he relapsed the worst he has ever had. Johnny found him in your guys' apartment and immediately called you and everyone who he thought he could help.

It's now present day and you can only look at Jaehyun with guilt in your eyes.

The funeral was held in the flower fields you both planned to get married in. The day was cold and dark but he had never looked so happy in his final resting place. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you the happiness you craved." You kissed his cheek before the lid was finally closed.

Now the marble had been set in place and you were alone again.

"I'm not mad. I'm jus-just so...so sorry." You wept, reaching out for him.

"I read the letter and can only ask. Why?"

The only things he had left was a damn note with the words, 'Sorry, My Dear' signing off the page as if he deemed it enough. As if his love had a capacity limit.

"I'm sorry you-you thought I was going to leave you if you told me you were so un-unhappy with life." Your stuttering didn't come to a stop as you could only imagine tears streaming down his own cheeks wherever he was in the universe. The feeling of being ashamed sent you reeling down where you had to support yourself on your knees.

The silent sobs hurt your chest as you had this free falling feeling in your chest getting more deeper. It was as if someone was pounding your chest with a drum mallot. Your heart was breaking as you felt a hand on your shoulder. Yet, you knew no one was there.

"You promised me forever." Your voice was shaky as you brushed the stray pieces of grass away from the marble in the ground.

'Jaehyun. Found happiness in where ours couldn't reach.'

"And I promise, Jae. I will love you...forever."

"And I'm so proud of you for making it this far." You whispered, fingers tracing his name on the polished marble for what felt like the millionth time.

You laid on the ground next to his resting place and looked into the vast blue sky where you imagined him reaching down to you; his soft voice that he used to sing you to sleep with carrying you with him to where you both could live happily ever after. You lifted your hands up as the tears came down.

"You did well."

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rndyounghowze · 4 years

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An Evening of Online Plays Right in our Living Room Directed by Missouri S&T Theatre

By: Ricky and Dana Young-Howze

St. Louis, Missouri

It was a cool and rainy evening when Dana and I followed the Zoom link and joined viewers across the country to see "An evening of Online Plays"

Produced by Missouri S&T Theatre. One of our dear friends Erin Lane had one of her pieces in the bill of four 10 minute plays to be presented that night and invited us to come watch. This night of online theater, produced by Taylor Gruenloh and presented by Missouri S&T theatre students was our first time reviewing a Zoom Production and definitely will not be our last.

This was directed by two students of Missouri S&T's directing program. When classes were cancelled for Victoria Hagni and Madeline Lechner their professor Taylor Gruenloh knew that unless they actually produced a finished project it wouldn't feel as if the two students weren't getting the most out of their independent study. So they quickly changed gears and commissioned ten minute plays from four playwrights from my graduate program Hollins University that would work perfectly in a Zoom format. This livestream is that final result.

It's worth mentioning what Dana and I are looking for when we review a production produced on an online platform streamed out of people's homes. We of course are looking at the level of acting and the production value of the plays but we are also looking at how this new medium of performance is taken advantage of and how the artists worked within those constraints. We are definitely as much beginners at reviewing this as the artists are performing in it. We also know that these students were ramping up and learning for something completely different than pioneering a new artform so we empathize. So now that we know we're both adjusting to a learning curve let's get down to the nitty gritty.

We've decided to talk about the plays grouped by the director not in the order that they were presented and since these were brand new plays written just for the production we're reviewing the plays too.

First we're looking at the plays directed by Madeline Lechner.

De-Equalized by Amy Lytle is a play about two students Katie (played by Natalie Arnold) and Jordan (played by Adam Bateman) who are working on a group project while they are separated on spring break.

I'll admit putting this play up as the first play we see was a very eerie experience. Not just because it was about two students talking about a group project over Zoom but also because this was Dana and my first primer into what a Zoom production is. Seeing the screen jump back and forth between the two actors like it was cutting back and forth like in a movie was bizarre but I was immediately intrigued by the possibilities.

I was very impressed with the actors trying their hardest to emote to somebody that is not physically in the room with them. I felt like Arnold did a better job at this than her acting partner. I can only imagine having to not only keep myself cheated open for the audience but also knowing that my acting partner is a small post card sized picture on a screen. Also knowing that your performance depends on the connectivity of your device and the tilt of your camera is probably as big of a rush as tightrope walking. But because of this feeling of risk some of their emotions seemed to go stagnant. I needed to feel like this energy could travel eight hundred miles.

This could have been an acting problem but I definitely feel like some of this sits on Lechner's shoulders as a director. If the energy isn't shaking the rafters you definitely need to find ways to ramp your actors up. But we also feel like the playscript didn't give them higher stakes to begin with. Not everyone reveals family secrets doing homework. Also Dana never believed she was going to walk out on him which really did kill the stakes.

As for the play Dana noticed there was a lot of exposition about scholarship and financial aid that anyone watching a college show would know. We would hope that in a further draft the playwright would trust her audience more. I loved the idea of students finding out something about a friend that they didn't know before but also wish that the action had started way earlier. The play spent so much time on exposition I feel like the play didn't start until the eight minute mark and then they only had two minutes left. In a future draft I really hope this is addressed.

Also directed by Lechner was Breathe by Erin Lane a play about Dory (played by Raelyn Twohy) and Michael (played by Michael Ellis) two parents having to coparent while being separated and trying to calm each other down while also trying to appear strong for the other.

I love that this play made use of ANY kind of action and it was a great refresher from Lechner's previous piece. I still would have asked for much more. Also Dana got the sense that this play was supposed to have a lot of chaos in it but in her words it was "the calmest chaos she's ever seen". I agree. Especially if this is a play about getting the results of a test be it Covid-19, AIDS, pregnancy, or even strep I think you would feel a TAD more tense than that. This harkens back to what I said before about Lechner and getting energy out of her performers. As a director I will tell her you have to do whatever it takes to get that energy out of your cast because if we as an audience don't feel it we're gone. This was a great first outing and if I'm sounding tough it's because I feel she does have potential to do well in the future. Just get that energy in!

As for the acting it seemed that while Dana and I believed the Dad instantly we felt something was "held back" from us. We don't know if that was an acting problem or a writing problem. I am leaning heavily towards acting because of the several "I forgot my line" pauses and constant repeats of cue lines we normally see in high school productions. I personally think it must have been hard to show so much emotion just using your eyes and not having a full stage to work with but if these pauses normally just slow down a stage show on Zoom they felt like an eternity.

This play utilized my very favorite kind of exposition where everything we needed to know about the action was fed to us through something that we already knew. We all know that kind of back and forth between a Mom and Dad as they suss out parenting. But then you have this through the lens of long distance. Someone can't be home and now they have to trust someone else to get it done. This is the coolest kind of love story for me. However due to dropped lines and pauses I totally lost the part where Dory is a nurse and that she's taking a Covid-19 test. Dana had to tell me based on her scrubs. I hope that a future production of this play has the faster pace and the higher stakes it deserved.

Also a quick note: I know that no one is really pioneering Zoom set design just yet but I feel that I have to mention the black curtain behind Ellis's back. Dana and I have a running joke where we wonder if there is a "different play behind the curtain" that's more interesting than the one we're seeing. This presented a literal version of that for us where we spent more time wondering what was behind that curtain than listening to what he was saying. Out of love for these actors and with mad respect for what they're doing even if the curtain is hiding dead bodies we kinda hope it isn't there in the future. You guys rock and deserve better than that.

Next we'll be talking about the plays directed by Victoria Hagni.

In Scaramouch and Pinochle by Mike Moran we meet Lizzie (played by Megan Baris) and Bella (played by Haley Jenkins) two sisters who were separated when they were little and adopted by families across the country. Now they're reconnecting.

I loved that this play involved some action that fills up the camera frame and that Hagni gave the actresses some business to do such as painting nails and looking for things. If you think of the screen as your proscenium arch then you start to realize that you can utilize all of that space to tell your story.

Dana loves the use of props and the chemistry between the two actresses even though there were some moments that seemed like they were talking more at the screens than to each other. As you guys know I'm a sucker for puppets so even a sock puppet wormed it's way into my heart.

As for the script I feel like the realization about the Mom’s death and other family drama wasn’t "earned". There was no build up to it so I don't know whether it really happened or if our character was just lying. Where the chemistry between the actresses seemed natural the tense moments in the play didn’t seem natural. Overall it was a very cute play and with a couple more revisions it would be perfect.

In Folies a Deux/Pas de deux by Kevin D. Ferguson we meet Amanda Toye as Woman and Luke Goekner as Man. They are a couple with an interesting history and reconnecting after a long time.

I absolutely ADORED the use of the whole kitchen and room as a playing space. Having her start "upstage" at the counter and then moving the camera around as she moved dropped us into the world of the play. This was the first time that I forgot I was watching a Zoom play and just started watching the show. If I have to give one criticism to Hagni at all it is that I would have loved to see this kind of blocking in her previous piece.

I really commend the actors for really knowing their lines, really getting this blocking down, and committing to it. I mean somebody made cupcakes for this show! That's commitment.

Dana feels like this one was the most theatrical because it would definitely work on a stage AND online. This was the play that she absolutely believed with all her heart. I was totally pulled in. This is one of those plays that just make you want to sit in front of a computer and write a play.

The hardest part I'm going to notice about directing and writing for this medium is that you're simultaneously directing a theatre production and producing a movie. The actors aren't just actors they become directors of photography. The only difference between these plays and a movie is that a movie would be recorded for later and edited by someone else. I'm predicting that the most successful Zoom productions will be the ones that blur these lines. Is this naturalistic theatre or an indie found footage film. Who knows and who cares? Actors are not just emoting as if they're in the smallest of black box theaters but also thinking in terms of setups and dynamic camera angles. This is going to be a hard skill to master and in thirty or so years we'll be reading textbooks about the people who started this trend thinking about how we were all just figuring it out.

Also I'm looking forward to the day when we literally don't have the big pink elephant of COVID-19 in the room with us. Right now anytime you see a play livestreamed we all kind of know why it's not being presented onstage. So effectively even if the play doesn't explicitly say so it inherently is about this pandemic I know it's going to be at least a few years before this isn't the case but I will welcome it with open arms.

You have one more opportunity to see this production tonight May 9th at 7 PM Central Time. For those of you teaching theatre right now it might be an excellent tool or opportunity to talk about this evolving theatre climate. Follow this link right here and enjoy the show!

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