#ANYWAYS THIS IS MY BEST EDIT WORK METHINKS.....

[champagns]

To  𝑻𝒉𝒆  𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆  𝑪𝒍𝒖𝒃,  join  Professor  Griswold  at  his  estate  promptly  at  8  P.M.  and  not  a  minute  later.  Murder,  madness,  mystery,  and  mayhem.  It's  Not  Just  A  Game  Anymore.

#⋆ ┊ 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆 › the love club. #⋆ ┊ 𝒐𝒐𝒄 › edits. #this is actually kind of iconic if u rlly think abt it like #law students at a clue inspired murder mystery party are you JOE KING??? #i need it rn can we pls write it ?? #ANYWAYS THIS IS MY BEST EDIT WORK METHINKS..... #me and photoshop are like this 🤞🏽 #the colors the aesthetic the vibes UGH good job kat u did ur big one w this

[simpbur]

hello! i would like ur 40 song wiblur playlist

anon thank you so much for asking <333 while it would’ve been easier to just drop the link i have so many thoughts about everything so i explained why every single song has its spot on this list which was IMMENSELY fun for me

(also: if anyone does want the link i can provide both apple music and spotify but if u would like the apple music link i’d rather it be through dms or an ask off anon that i can make private!)

another also: i bolded all the songs for ease of perusing if you don’t want the director’s commentary and bolded + italicized the ones that i think fit Very Well

another another also: wrote the second bit of this on my laptop and the keyboard is p funky so if there are any typos or things that do not make sense i will try to fix them asap haha

saint bernard by lincoln: this is one of those like. Dream SMP Songs that i added because it fits into so many different relationships and plot lines and arcs but i think there’s some connection to c!wlbur somewhere out there. idk i asked my friend and he said to add it so this one goes out to him

amnesia was her name by lemon demon: ghostbur song ghostbur song! mostly comes from this lovely animatic

o valencia! by the decemberists: okay this is one of those songs that only really has one lyric that fits but is an absolutely banger so it’s here anyway. you’ll also notice a trend of quasi love songs that i relate to c!wilbur’s perception of l’manburg and i think this song shows this in a really cool way, esp with the chorus (‘and i swear to the stars i’ll burn this whole city down’ is The Line)

achilles come down by gang of youths: another one of those Dream SMP Songs. i think this fits better with c!tommy but i like it too much to remove it. this is a somewhat common trend with the earlier songs on this playlist (i’ve been building this thing since january, for reference)

brave as a noun by ajj: another Dream SMP Song. i think certain verses fit better than others when it comes to wilbur’s character but that ones that work really work

harness your hopes by pavement: a song that is one here for vibes alone. i have no idea what these lyrics mean. all i know is that i heard it, thought of c!wilbur, and put it on the playlist. thank you all for being here

evelyn evelyn by evelyn evelyn: sad-ist made this a tommy and tubbo song (as she should) so it’s validity on this playlist is questionable but folks used to compare it to wilbur and tommy’s relationship during the pogtopia arc and i think some points were made there

the execution of all things by rilo kiley: i’m so excited to get here because this was the first song i put on the playlist that i think really works and i thumb nailed an animatic for the last verse and november 16th so! i think it’s a good l’manburg song and the last verse has some good ghostbur lines (‘and lately you’re all alone with nothing left but sleep/but sleep never comes to you, it’s the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak’)

i’m just your problem from adventure time: this ones a bit tricky since at is my favorite show of all time and i cannot detach this song from its in-show context very well but there is a very cool animatic with this song that landed it a spot on the playlist

man burning by josh ritter: almost became an animatic but the audio i wanted to use (which i recorded at a josh ritter concert and it’s just him and his guitar and there’s echo and it’s very haunting and pretty) has my stepbrother singing in the background and i could not edit it out so. that will probably not happen. but anyways the only hole i would pick in this song is that it’s mostly about self sabotage which isn’t really applicable but i think the imagery is cool

mamma mia by abba: here me out. here me out. this is another song that fits so well and i have spent so many hours thinking about this and somewhere there is a note on my phone explaining how every single line relates to c!wilbur’s entire arc from founding l’manburg to the resurrection (made when we thought gbur was going to get resurrected in january) and just. the metaphorical ‘you’ is l’manburg does this make any sense (another almost animatic except now that wilbur’s actually back it might become an actual animatic)

the other side of paradise by glass animals: no idea why this is here other than being a Dream SMP Song. it’s good tho

infinitesimal by mother mother: they saaaaay it stared with a big bang but they saaaaaaaay it came out of a small thing latelyyyyy i’ve been feeling like a big bang You Know

curses by the crane wives: had a thing drawn out for this song showing the comparisons between c!wilbur and c!niki because of the chorus and i think the last two lyrics of said chorus are the best thing about this one

lonely eyes by the front bottoms: gotta admit that i have no idea how this song got on here but i’ve come to associate it with ghostbur based on vibes alone. it’s a friendly song he’s a friendly ghost it works. the other tfb song coming up fits a bit better methinks

king of new orleans by better than ezra: not to put better than ezra on my c!wilbur playlist but like. something about the whole ‘tasing something up to let it fall’ motif makes me think

get me away from here, i’m dying by belle and sebastian: another almost animatic song (there’s a trend here). not only does the story told in this song work i like the lines ‘play me a song to set me free/nobody writes them like they used to so it may as well be me’ in relation to my l’manburg

montgomery forever by the front bottoms: certain bits and pieces of this song fit so well, specifically the chorus and those bits in the last two choruses Yeah (’montgomery forever and ever and ever and now they’re blowing it up/(x2)/as you started laughing and crying and trying to explain how all you want to do is leave’)

don’t look back in anger by oasis: out of all my almost animatic songs, this one got the furthest. the animatic, which I got pretty far in thumbnailing, was about wilbur and tommy and kind of drawing comparisons between their characters, also about the revolution in general. maybe i’ll finish that animatic one day idk 

snow by ricky montgomery: i wish i had a link for this so bad but!! saw art on twitter!! with the lyric ‘bury me six feet in snow’!! and went ahfsdjfk!!

burning pile by mother mother: a Dream SMP Song. also a jam there’s no real specific connection for this one but i think it could fit in a couple of ways

rounds by the oh hellos: in the same position as snow except it was on tumblr..... @ whoever made this comic i saw these lyrics in your brain is massive and your art is incredible

lovely by mt. eddy: on here for vibes alone. there’s something in the lyrical content too, but my thoughts in that regard are not very fleshed out

adventures in solitude by the new pornographers: ah yes..... the song that prompted this all...... this is a beautiful and incredibly well written song and if you’re going to listen to any song off of this playlist i’d encourage you to listen to this one. it’s place of here is mostly cause of the chorus but the imagery in the verses could all represent a part of c!wilbur and i’d love to explore that more

caught in the middle by paramore: obligatory paramore song. i think it got on here because limbo = ‘middle’ but i’m not quite sure. on the verge of being deleted if i can find a better pmore song

delicate by damien rice: one of the oddest songs on this list and i am well aware that it sticks out like a sore thumb. a song that’s on here pretty much because of one lyric, which is ‘and why’d you sing hallelujah/if it means nothing to you’ which i related to both eret’s betrayal and how my l’manburg is hallelujah yknow

bang! by ajr: almost animatic song. i think we all know what the bang is here

somewhere only we know by lily allen: ik i said don’t look back in anger has the most potential to get made into an animatic but this song might actually take it place. on par with adventures in solitude in terms of how pretty of a song it is, and probably even moreso. it’s kind of turned into a ghostbur song in my head, and makes me cry like an infant child every time i hear it

a pearl by mitski: i cannot defend this song’s place on here past the line ‘it’s just that i fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended’

eight by sleeping at last: the official c!wilbur song needs a spot on here <3 if i can dig up the clip of cc!wilbur talking about this song in relation to his character i’ll add it but until then yeah <3

always by rilo kiley: no idea why this is on here but it fits well!! could not tell you why!! banger!!

celebration guns by stars: it’s a hauntingly beautiful song about war, and kind of one of those that necessarily isn’t about wilbur but moreso his place in the story? idk how to explain it but yes

passerine by the oh hellos: it’s. it’s from the . the fic. yeah h

oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place by bright eyes: added this after the real resurrection and i think it’s because fo the imagery? also the last verse

we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos!: all i have to say is ‘i cannot emphasize enough that my body/is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel/harboring these diminishing, so called vital organs/i hope my heart goes first, i hope my heart goes first!’ has always made me think of pogtopia era wilbur :(

dead weight by jack stauber: no real connection other than eret played this song during a break during the ghostbur’s january ‘resurrection’ and i heard it and went :0

point me at lost lands by tired pony: gives me season on l’manburg vibes..... i love how free and passionate it sounds and that's p much the only reason it’s on this list haha

ghosting by mother mother: added this five seconds ago because i could not BELIEVE it was not on here. ghostbur song. mans sang it on that one stream with the reverb and everything. the lyrics ‘i will be kind and i’ll be sweet/if you stop staring straight through me’ hit particularly hard back when everyone thought that ghostbur was actually wilbur in disguise 

#oh man. oh man #this was so fun ty anon #i'll do some spell checking after i write my english paper but for now take this #wooo boy #also if i interpreted canon wrong i do apologize i am here to have fun and think about fictional character #anon #ask

[deluluass]

Hey, i just hella fan girled over you and I am in love with your writing voice. I love story telling and you’re fic felt like walking through a play with the flow of a movie but unequivocably cerebral and day dreaming. The I’m in the story feeling and im both an observer and participant! Anyways... you are a stunning writer and I’m sure you don’t need technical feedback but if that is something you are cool with, I’d love to share! (Otherwise just skip over my observations like commercial break cuz more gooshed out as I wrote this.)

Awe a curious one I see, here are my observations.

You slowly pulled me in and I wanted to stay which is a talent that is not pointed out enough!

Using the diver bar to signal a new see and perspective shift gives the same sharp experience as a play and the juxtaposition of what is next feels enthralling.

Most of the time tracking with the story was seems-less but there are times when the story transitioned within a scene but the transition wasn’t apparent so i got lost for a moment.

You did a lovely job of crafting the main characters and their inner dynamics

You know exactly how to give a cliffhanger and forewarning in a simple statement which created a whole ass emotion (the blood on the frame)

You brought me in so i felt the character’s feeling and physically leaned in because sensorially i felt like i could see and hear the moment.

You did a wondrous job drawing me into the chaos and confusion while i knew things as the reader, i also felt like i was in the moment experiencing it for the first time; kinda like being Dr. Manhattan - it is happening and new but it is and fact.

You gave me this speechless feeling of enjoyment and made me fall in love with the story.

Reading your story gave a beautiful blossoming rare feeling of those small moments you just loved and vividly recall the emotion you felt from the moment. I was so excited and blown away. I hope my observations come through well. I do this thing where like I love growth and potential and passion. So when i noticed a few things, my way of expressing how cool this moment is by being as authentic as i would if we were friends. I really enjoy editing so sometimes it happens in the back of my mind for fun.

Thank you. Right now life is really difficult. But you gave me this rare beautiful shining emotional experience on the inside. Like gooy filling or unbounding excitement where words don’t work so you make sounds cuz its just that good. I appreciate being able to have that feeling, thank you! (Pls forgive the random terrible lower casing and soellcheck, my tech is acting up and fussing around feels like asking the app to force quit at the entirety wrong moment!)

I- ohmygod 😭😭 i actually cried?? like actual tears running down as i type it's INSANE. thank u so much??? life is pretty difficult for me too rn and im rlly glad that my fic made u feel that way. that's the BEST compliment that a writer could receive, methinks. thank u so much for taking the time to even talk abt the little things, too. i recently lost interest in writing bc of burn out and this rlly PICKED me up, singlehandedly put my soul back in my body, raised me, fed me, and put me thru college 😭🙏🏽💖

#sophy speaks #generallyconfusedbeing #NO SRSLY THIS MEANS A LOT #u also put ur thoughts so well #and so eloquently too 💖💖 #WHAT U FELT IS EXACTLY WHAT #I FELT WHEN READING THIS #AAAAA

[fae-fucker]

Review: Death Wind by Tara Grayce

Essie should be planning her happily ever after, not planning a war. Although they once were enemies, the humans of Escarland and the elves of Tarenhiel have allied to fight the trolls from the far north. But alliances are tricky things even in the best of times, and with Farrendel, the elves’ foremost warrior and Essie’s husband, captured by the trolls, the circumstances appear dire indeed. But Essie won’t give up, and she will make her two peoples work together to fight this war if it’s the last thing she does. One way or another, she will get Farrendel back, no matter what it takes.

Gonna be honest, didn't expect much given my lukewarm reaction to the previous two books, but this one? This one actually held my attention for genuine reasons rather than just being a light read. Because the plot involves a lot of conflict (arguably the biggest conflict possible, war), the pacing is steady, and two of the three POV characters are mostly suffering and/or being tortured, there's actually tension for once. It's a welcome change, and proves that the author is very much capable of writing it but just chooses not to in favor of boring and conflict-free family interactions.

With Melantha introduced as a POV character, we're offered a pretty buckwild concept for this series: a character that makes mistakes and has to live with the consequences. I actually found myself liking Melantha, not because I thought she was a compelling character (she wasn't) or because I felt bad for her (I didn't), but because she had what Essie didn't: flaws. There's even a point in the book where Melantha thinks about how much she dislikes Essie because Essie is so sugary perfect and everything Melantha wishes she could be, and I think it's supposed to show us how bitter and insecure Melantha is? Except she's 100% correct, Essie is literally too perfect to be a real person and I just sat there going "yeah, you're right, and don't feel bad for being shitty because literally nobody can actually be like Essie."

However, Melantha suffers from Stupid Bitch Syndrome, which doesn't exactly make for a good protagonist/POV character. She's not intended to be dumb, the book expects us to think she was simply misguided and bitter and not, like, a complete idiot who should've known better. But her instant remorse feels less like character development and more like her suddenly realizing she’s actually a huge idiot who fell for the enemy’s nonsense, which she is. She's supposed to be an older elf, a grown woman, yet she makes such an obvious mistake and immediately regrets it and folds like a wet blanket the moment shit hits the fan. It's honestly a bit pathetic. The only reason I preferred her over Essie was because she introduced some much-needed depth to the character roster, but that depth was still about the size of a teacup, compared to Farrendel's thimble and Essie's singular water molecule. Her relationship with the troll prince was actually ... interesting? It was all mostly unspoken, which I think made it stronger than the overly telegraphed thing Essie and Farrendel have going on, and I’m sure it’ll be flattened out and become boring in the next book, so enjoy this potential before it’s wasted.

Farrendel spends the entire book being tortured and thinking about how he's being tortured. I can't blame him, but it doesn't make for good reading. I honestly think his POV could've been left out altogether and it wouldn't have changed much. Melantha is already there with him letting the reader know he’s suffering, we don’t need two POVs telling us the same thing. Oh uh, except for the part where he ... puts his magic in a soul-bond pocket. I'd mark this as spoilers but it's literally on the cover. I guess if his POV was removed then we'd never know how Essie learned to blast his power in battle at that one convenient moment, but it barely affects the plot afterward so um, yeah. I'm having a hard time justifying his POV at all. I'm still not over that part btw, how Farrendel just ... makes a "mental fist" (no, really), grabs his magic in one and his soul bond with Essie in the other and just puts them together like he's connecting two cables to an adapter. And he knew to do this ... how? It's not like we've seen him experiment with his magic before, in fact he's been shown to hate it and only use it when necessary, but apparently this tortured and exhausted man has the presence of mind to try something as vague and theoretical as ... putting his magic in a soul pocket. He spends a few pages going “I wonder if I can do this” and then it works on the first try. He does consider whether it’ll hurt Essie and decides not to try it, but as I said, he does it soon after anyway so like ... I don’t think it’s supposed to be funny or show how little of a shit he gives about Essie, but that’s sort of the implication and I thought it was funny as hell. 

Anyway, the magic pocket is about as much worldbuilding/lore as we get from this series entry, aside from the trolls having their own political intricacies and tensions, which I’m assuming the next book will expand upon. The writing itself in this book was pretty bad at times. The repetition of certain words and names was really glaring in some parts and felt amateurish. Take a shot every time the word “magic” appears and you’ll be in the grave before the book ends. Prince Rharreth and King Charvod are almost always referred to with their full titles and names for some reason? A few editing rounds would’ve helped this a lot, methinks.

The plot is mostly moved along in Essie’s POV, which is slightly less insufferable than usual because she’s the one observing the movement of the two armies and there are actually action scenes in there that, while don’t exactly made me worried about her (there’s no way this perfect idiot will ever die), still provided some tension. But it’s honestly not much, the “war” lasted two entire weeks (and that’s including the strategy, logistics, and mobilizing) and with how fast the armies travel and how little resistance they face (and how Deus Ex Farrendel-d the final battle was, the guy is apparently full of godlike destructive power despite being starved and tortured, go off king), it all felt very unrealistic and easy. Like, we have two armies marching in the middle of a mountain chain during magical snow storms, all while being regularly assaulted by the defending army, and they still get there no problem, without a single mention of soldiers struggling not to die of exposure. Aight. I guess these elves and humans are just very resistant to the cold, for some reason.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason it goes over so fast in-universe is because the author wanted Farrendel to be horribly tortured throughout his captivity, but also knew that if that lasts too long, the damage will be too severe to easily resolve in the next book. But instead of easing off the hardcore torture, because then we’d lose out on that drama and those High Stakes, she decided to speed up the whole war thing, because hey, who cares about that, anyway? We just want Farrendel back, right? Riiiight? Better hurry up guys! Don’t want Farrendel to be too tortured to fix with some strawberry-flavored medicine and vague counseling in the next book!

So yeah, the plot moves on speedily, but at what cost? Mainly depth. Again. And once again, Essie suffers the most from being a bland caricature of a person and dragging the whole thing down. The author’s GR bio says she writes “spunky and tough” leading ladies, and I guess having no other things in your brain except sparkly kitten gifs is a certain kind of toughness in an “immovable object” sort of way, but “spunk” implies a of counter-culture edge that sweet widdle Essie simply does not have.

There was one small section where Essie felt bad over how the human and elven warriors were going to die, how many mothers and sisters and daughters would suffer just so she didn’t have to, but then we don’t find out the death count, the casualties are never even mentioned, and Essie moves on from this without even a single thought questioning the morality of a monarchy or her own position of power. Now, I get that that’s not the focus of this series, but it just adds to how Essie’s worries are always surface-level and never justified by the plot, how she never has to do any introspection and is never allowed to not always be annoyingly positive. Whenever she even begins to think something negative, she instantly, almost compulsively changes trajectory and just decides not to worry about it, and then it never comes up again anyway. This would’ve been like, an interesting take on toxic positivity and how Essie represses her own emotions, but no, the book never goes there, she’s just that perfect and wee and optimistic, even during a war and when her husband’s being tortured to near-death. It’s kind of insulting to read, honestly.

Oh yeah, that’s another thing that annoyed me. Even when she loses Farrendel, she takes it surprisingly well and focuses mostly on keeping a positive attitude for his sake, so he doesn’t feel her sadness through their “heart bond.” I never really felt her loss, her love for him, when she so easily could just decide not to feel bad “for his sake.” I want her to feel bad, I want her to miss him and to ache at his absence and to fear for what they’re doing to him. But no. That would just upset him more and hurt him more. So Essie doesn’t get to experience any negative feelings because it might upset her husband. Essie doesn’t get angry and determined to fight, she just keeps being her cheery little Stepford Wife self because being nice will keep everyone’s spirits up and make them hope and fight harder to preserve that hope!! :)

It just comes off as really flat and moralistic yet dishonest at the same time, because nobody would fucking react like this IRL. Essie might be a good person in-universe, but she drags the entire series down just by being perfect, cheery, and never, ever challenged or even allowed to challenge anything herself. Essie isn’t allowed to have any negative feelings because it might affect her husband, and yet we’re supposed to find this empowering somehow? We’re supposed to believe she’s spunky and confident and a sweet little firecracker of a redhead?

Eugh.

At least Melantha is an idiot, I guess. One whole female character gets to have a flaw, and she’s the almost-villain who needs to be fixed with love.

Idk man. The sexism in this series is like a constant undercurrent that grows stronger with each installment as our “understanding” of this world expands. All of Essie’s brothers, including the king, are at the front lines because they are manly men “have to” be there, while the women who aren’t Essie or Jalissa stay behind to be mothers and caretakers. It’s never expanded upon and just sort of accepted as part of both human and elven society and the narrative treats it like this obvious thing that even Essie doesn’t really bother noting how unfair and/or weird it is. There’s not even a single comment on it. Essie is in the war not because she can fight but because Farrendel needs her, and Jalissa is there because ... Um. Because ... she. Uh. She needs to be there when they confront Melantha? She’s Farrendel’s sister? Idk. Jalissa’s main point in this series so far seems to be the ship tease between her and Edmund that feels awkward and one-sided as fuck.

So yeah. The pacing and plot flowed along really well, but the characters and the writing and worldbuilding are all just really undercooked, which, at three books into the series, feels more glaring than ever.

But hey, at least it was a quick read!

#book review #elven alliance #death wind

[jlf23tumble]

Hi jen! I know usually anons have specific requests but could you rec me a couple of fics ? Just something you think it's really great! I'm not feeling too well and i need to get out of my head for a while. (Thank you in advance!)

oOh, mannnn, that sucks, but I feel ya!! This is mildly tricky but also incredibly easy: you don’t necessarily need or want anything super angsty or kinky because you don’t feel great, and canon’s probably a no go (which is a shame, I’d be rec’ing that pube fic HARD bleepin’ CORE), so you need some good AU material that’ll err on the side of distraction, methinks. Because I’ll bet that you’ve read most of these, I’m gonna give you a few more than two, and if you HAVE read ‘em all anyway, come back over and tell me a little bit more about some parameters, and I’ll do another pass. These are just off the top of my head, but I can search with the best of ‘em, goddammit, even my own spotty bookmarking. Under the wiggly line, in no particular order.

Tuxedo Dress-Up, by Blake/ @newleafover, 11k, E. Louis is an aspiring song writer by day, a make up artist for drag queens by night, and masquerading as a full time real estate agent for his third most famous (and first most handsome) client Harry Styles.Or, five times they fail to fuck in a closet, and one time they get it right. (I will not rest until everyone has read this one!!!! I can rec it for pretty much every single scenario, and I barely restrain myself, I’m telling you)

Sing You Butterflies, by objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain, 22k, E. Harry’s a clumsy unicorn who accidentally stomps on a witch’s garden and is turned into a human as punishment, so he wanders into a nearby village covered in glitter, still figuring out how to walk on two feet, and meets the fairy-tale-fine Louis, who has to teach him how to live as a human and stop him from eating soap. (I’m putting two from Phoenix on here, but rest assured I’d rec all of hers, too, this is just an adorable fantastical story that completely immerses you in another world that’s still rooted in this one? talent, I tell ya...and I HIGHLY recommend all of P’s fic, she’s writing drabbles in so many universes if you want to explore)

Take Me Under the Blue, by objectlesson, 19k, E. Louis hasn’t even seen his legs yet. He doesn’t know how they work or how long they’ll be. Maybe they won’t suit the rest of Harry at all, and he’ll have to grow into them or something. It doesn’t matter; Louis has loved Harry for a year with scales, so he can’t imagine wonky legs putting a damper on his attraction.He supposes he’ll just have to find out. In the meantime, he wonders how the fuck he got here, in his squelching wellies about to save the love of his life from the sea and take him to bed and bang him for the very first time.It’s sort of a long story. (when I heard about this one before editing, I was scurred...but it’s so fucking GOOD, I’d read so many more installments, and I say this as someone who hates fish dick stories, p.s., there’s no fish dick)

just call me inspiration, by @hereforlou, 51k, E. The truth is Louis knows he’s going to hell, if there is such a thing, but it isn’t because he writes erotic fiction for a living. If anything, it’s because his muse, the reason he’s inspired to write about people shagging in increasingly creative ways everyday, is the sweetest, loveliest, most genuine (and completely oblivious) future children-book illustrator in the world. Or, the one where Louis is a writer, Harry is an art student, and they inspire each other in very different ways. (Just me as Liam, that’s all I’ll say)

Tied Down, by @ham-palpert, 48k, E. The most interesting case in Liam and Niall's careers falls directly into their laps, courtesy of an epic fuck-up of one Harry Styles, partner to the almost-infamous drug dealer Louis Tomlinson. The investigation yields an unexpected yet satisfactory outcome for Liam and Niall. For Harry and Louis, however, things are far more complicated. (A twisty mystery, and all is NOT as it seems, so read the tags and push through chapter 1; it’s more of a tense drama, if you want to go down that path)

Alien Roadtrip!, by @helloamhere, 16k words, E. For the first time in his life, Louis doesn’t know where he’s going. Harry doesn’t mind. Or roadtrip with desert feelings, too much snack food, and empty motels. Harry is definitely absolutely not an alien. That would be ridiculous. (great dialogue and miles of smiles/laffs in this one, plus you can pretend it’s related to that area 51 nonsense if you really want to)

I’m reading a couple of WIPs that might pull you in, too:

Harry Styles Cooks..., by @sunsetmog, 52k, E. In which Louis Tomlinson can’t cook, there’s a very special shower curtain, and Harry Styles used to be a baker.Or: Louis owns all of Harry Styles’ cookbooks, and he never intends to cook a single thing out of any of them. (this one is updating fairly slowly, but that’s okay, it’s literally Christmas every time I get that nota, AGGRESSIVE SIGHING OVER HOW MUCH I GRIN LIKE A LOON WHEN I READ EACH INSTALLMENT)

Cards Are Dealt, by @loutmlnsn, 26k, E. Louis likes his life; he likes his job, he likes his house, he likes his town and he loves his cat. It’s not exciting, per say, but it’s comfortable, predictable and quiet. It’s normal. It’s what Louis has always wanted out of life. What Louis never wanted out of life was an A-list actor for a neighbour, who at first glance appears to possess all the values that Louis detests in a human being. An AU in which Louis is a nurse, Harry is an actor, and first impressions matter just as much as everyone keeps saying. (I’m actually reading a few wips, but I tend to notice when they update...I don’t bookmark them until they’re done, though, and this last one just updated yesterday, so check it out! Harry Styles Cooks is my fave wip of all time, I will never forget I’m following it, lmao)

#fic rec #get better soon angel!

[ladytp]

Rules: answer 22 questions & tag x people you want to know better

tagged by @thebluelemontree – thank you, you beauty!

nickname(s): Not really

zodiac sign: Ummm…Aries

height: Approx 167 cm, and as expressed in bushels and kestrels, approx. 5′6″

last movie i saw: Like for realsies, as in a movie theatre? Gosh, I can’t even remember! In general, I think it was maybe ‘Wonder Woman’, which I finally watched the other night…

last thing i googled: “What is 167 Centimeters in feet and inches?” LOL! Before that, “how to set up Google alert”

favourite musician: Many, such as Florence and the Machine and Lana Del Rey, but for the sake of nostalgy, I can’t go past Kate Bush!

song stuck in my head: The hardest case of trying to shake off a tune was last week when I got Aram Khachaturian’s Waltz from Masquerade Suit in my head when I heard it in the radio in the morning – I went to work humming it, jammed to it on Spotify when doing stuff, hummed it on a lunch break…

other blogs: @nobleambrosia , my blog dedicated to Dean Ambrose and a bit more WWE…just a small thing to prevent my main blog becoming overcrowded with those posts! [EDIT} And oh, I almost forgot; during the Tumblrgeddon before Christmas, when my blog was in explicit mode and some kind of shadowban hell for a long time, and there was uncertainty what happens after the new guidelines were enforced, I created a back-up blog @lady-tp to ensure my survival in case something happened to this one...

following: 127

followers: 924

do i get asks: Occasionally – but not a lot. But I love getting them as much as the next guy!

amount of sleep i get:  Usually 6-7 hours and that is actually enough…weekends a bit more.

lucky numbers: Hmmm, no such thing… Any number can be lucky or unlucky, methinks. And how would that be defined anyway???

what i’m wearing: Light blue and turquoise nightshift, frilly and pretty!   

dream job: Something to do with food or wine; food scientist, wine maker’s assistant or something like that – which would grant me lots of samples, free invites and lots of food and wine-themed events!

dream trip: I am not that keen for travel, really, anymore… But if I had enough money to do it in real style, I would say a luxury trip to Italy, focussed on food and wine, including visits to best restaurants and wineries and food related festivals! 

favourite food: As a food group; cheese. As individual favourite meals; sous-vide salmon, sushi, asparagus, bocconcini cheese...  

instruments: Childhood period of trying to learn guitar, which was dropped soon. Hmmm.  

languages: Native Finnish, fluent English, some Swedish, German and French. I would like to learn Italian one of these days… but that would require a really good reason to actually get up to do it, more than just a vague desire!  

favourite songs: To mention just a few, “Love Me Again” by John Newman, “Jos Mun Pokka Pettää” by Haloo Helsinki, “Mennyt Mies” by J. Karjalainen, ‘Ride’ by Lana Del Rey. 

random fact: I have recently started to regret some things I never had issues before – looking back I did some really stupid things that I now just have to live with (nothing criminal, I assure, just stupid life-choices!). Hmmm.   

aesthetic: Simplicity – no clutter.   

I tag: @asimplylucia , @thedropletsparkled , @thefeatherofhope  @zip00198704 @ellebh @bluecichlid and @mad-j-j

#meme #22 questions #why not #thebluelemontree #thanks dear!

[cescalr]

Year Roundup.

thank you very much @voidstilesplease​ for the tag!! <3

RULES: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works <3

So. I didn’t post many things this year, compared to previous ones. We’re working with scraps, here. But scraps I am proud enough of, nonetheless. 

A Muggle Cliché - Harry Poter, M/M, one-shot, Harron. Summary as follows; ‘Harry Potter. The squib son of James and Lily Potter. The nephew of Sirius Black. Ron is never going to hear the end of this from the twins, he realises, with great despair. In his defence, Harry Potter should be dead. Aka: Coffee Shop AU, with my customary twist on the trope. Buckle in, boys.’

My first proper Harry Potter fandom one-shot (I don’t count FWIW companion pieces) + also my first proper getting-together fic, plus my very fun and in-depth time-travelling dumbledore squib!harry AU having both very foreground and very background presence within the fic... you know, given the whole squib!harry and Other Stuff anyway the point is, very happy with this one. I’m not exactly good at the whole ‘establishing relationships’ thing, you can just look at all my WIPs that stop like a chapter or two in and the ones that are much longer.... tend to be the ones where relationships are there from the get go. But personally I prefer to read fics in which these things are not predetermined, and when I saw this prompt I couldn’t not. :)

The Secrets You Keep. - Into The Woods (2014), Gen. Summary: ‘Ignorance is bliss, compared to this.’

yeah, I don’t know either. I just, I watched the film and I was sad, and this turned out better than expected. I just, I kind of despise cheating, alksjdg;a anyway, found family and shit, I dunno. Lyrical language is not my forte, as I am most certainly not a poet (and I definitely know it), but I did try, and I think I did well enough; ‘the wife the Prince chose to have fun with... was not the one he was done with...’, to give you an idea. The prose is normal prose, but the dialogue was an attempt to write akin to the film’s style. Not sure how well it went down, but I like it enough. 

Grass is Greener (Supposed To Be.) - Harry Potter, Gen. Summary: ‘Ron Weasley has found that out of his family, he looks the most like his grandmother.(The Black sheep of the family.)’

Written for the Weasleys Fest, and something I’m quite proud of, in all honesty. Got some good Ron & Ginny moments, some good Ron & Harry bonding. I find this one to be particularly sweet, though that’s just because I have a skewed view of the concept. It’s a little angsty. Bittersweet? 

Whatever They Give You - Oxenfree, Gen, F/M. Summary: ‘Multiple choice: Which is it?A) 1907: When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that happened. B) 1912: When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but I am getting old, and soon I shall remember only the latter. C) 1924: When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now, and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. D) All of the above. E) None at all.’

I’ve tried Oxenfree fare before; didn’t work. Hopefully this will go better, but as it stands, 1/? chapters in, I am still very much 1000% happier with it than the previous attempt at this. To avoid spoilers; it’s post the best ending, if you catch my drift. Gonna be a bit plot heavy, methinks, once I get back around to working on it. 

For What It’s Worth - Harry Potter, Gen, M/M, F/M - Harron, minor/unrequited Ronmione, lots of plationics, background deamus, etc etc. Series Description: ‘A few left turns, and the story, though recognisable -Changes entirely.Notes:Harry Potter rewrite from book 4 onwards towards a Harry/Ron ending, with background Krumione and other ships (deamus, parvender, etc.)’

Technically cheating; started this a little while back, but the big update was this year (a whole 59,000 words) + two companion pieces written pretty recently gives me course to put it on this list. My favourite out of the bunch, honestly. Very proud of this one. 

There are others I like, others I’m proud of, but they’re all not technically from this year, so, this is what I have to be going on with :). 

Anyway... hmm. I’ll tag: anyone who wants to do this! :) because i’m nervous about tagging aslkdgj;aslkdgj anyway yeah thanks!! This was a nice retrospective. 

#tag game

[expatabroad]

Italy trip - Day 5 (Sept 17th 2017)

(Pt2...)

We essentially dumped our stuff, freshened up, and left to find Brewdog again for a pint (as is tradition). 

I’m not sure any words or photos of Il Duomo could ever do it justice. I could look at it for ages and still find it remarkable. It didn’t matter how many times I walked away and and came back to it, it was stunning every time. it just became more beautiful and impressive with every pass. 

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(Side shot of Il Duomo. It is just enormous.)

(Frontal view.)

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After sipping the remainder of my Trashy Blonde (fitting, yeah?), we thought we’d cover the area on the other side of the river as best as we could before it got too late, ending with watching the sunset at the Piazzale Michelangelo (just after 7).

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(We’ve arrived!)

(Ordered a Vagabond each for Rik and Bas and a Trashy Blonde per mio....just seemed fitting, what can I say!)

(YUP)

(Annnnnnnnnd they’re gone.)

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First point of interest we set as our target was the Ponte Vecchio. It was close to 5PM by the time we arrived there and I was pleasantly surprised with how much was still open for a Sunday evening in regards to the shops. If this was the UK, there’d be nearly no point of going out as nothing would be open! There was literally so much to take in just on our walk to the Ponte Vecchio that I’m certain I could visit again and see all new points of interest, easily - from statues to busts and designs just on the sides of random wall. 

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(View from the start of the Ponte Vecchio. Slowly losing daylight.)

(Those arches tho....)

(Obligatory “couple” shot.)

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One thing that’s clear is that there is such an amazing blend of old and new together in both Rome and Florence and the buildings are just honest to god works of art. Every little alleyway seems to have some old piece of art to check out so you can never really make a “wrong” turn, just a less direct one.

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(If you don’t think this building is a work of art, there is something seriously wrong with you!)

(Loved the carousel in the middle of the crowded plaza)

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Unlike Rome, I didn’t ever really feel the need to be on my guard in Florence. Maybe that’s down to the sheer size difference or the fact that we only stayed in the main bits, but I could’ve happily walked around alone without intimidation. In Rome, I felt constantly on the defence everywhere we went but the second we arrived in Florence, I was much more at ease and relaxed. It was like a gigantic weight was lifted off my shoulders in that respect. There were a few beggars/gypsies, but they more or less kept to themselves. One did ask for change and then had the cheek to complain that it wasn’t enough when Ryan gave her a few coins. She literally threw it back and walked off. That was the only real incident we had, however.

We did see a Games shop where Rik bought us the Carcassonne Big Box 6th Edition. It was cool to have it, but it unfortunately was a massive box that we then had to carry around all evening with us and we panicked that it might not actually fit in our carry-on to take home...but that was a problem for future us to worry about.

Once leaving the Ponte Vecchio area, we stopped outside the Santo Spirito but didn’t go inside as a service was happening. We did, however, look around the market stalls out in front. The church was far less impressive externally than the others but there was something nice about its simplicity. It did seem like it belonged somewhere like Spain or Mexico, I must say, due solely to its aesthetic.

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(Simplicity of the Santo Spirito actually helps it stand out in a place where there is so much “over-the-top” architecture)

(Taste for the local flair at the local market)

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We made an attempt to go see the garden at the Piazzo Pitti but we arrived pretty much bang-on closing time so took some pictures out front and moved on. By this point, the sun was getting fairly low anyways and the walk to our sunset viewing point was 20+ minutes so we hauled ass.

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(Outside the Museum)

(Even their streetlights looked magical)

(Fountain or bath?)

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We severely underestimated how uphill this walk was. Like it was NO JOKE. I’ve never felt so out of shape in my life. I honestly feel like hiking Mt Snowdon was less physically draining...BUT it was more than worth the payoff to see the view over all of Florence. Sunset was a bit crap because the clouds seemed to hover along the horizon but the view was spectacular and the atmosphere up there more than made up for it. Again, it’s something photos cannot even begin to do justice  to its beauty, but I’ll try. It looks so much smaller and less impressive in every photo I took compared to how grandiose it was in person. 

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(Just a piece of art I saw that drew me in to it at the start of our hike up to the Piazzale)

(Getting higher...)

(And higher...)

(...and finally at the top!)

(Where we attempt and fail at a group selfie. We all fit in but we’re missing the background...Methinks we should’ve bought one of those scammer’s selfie-stick.)

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We lingered for a bit to rest up, take photos, and enjoy some beers before we descended down the hilltop and back home to make dinner. Ryan kindly offered to make us dinner to save some money (it felt posh, like I had my own personal chef ^.^) and it was delish. 

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(Beers in the open air...it’s the Italian way. I mean, they are Peronis)

(Again, this photo will never do this view justice. Get out there yourself and see it!)

(Should have done a pano....)

(The man himself in the bronze)

(Can’t get enough of the Italian street lamps. Feels very “old Hollywood”)

(Starters at the ready...)

(And pasta/veg main)

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We hit the sack relatively early as we had an 8AM leave time to get to the vineyard for wine tour/tasting.

TBC w/ day 6....

#Italy #Eataly #Italian holiday #Italian adventure #Italian vacation #Europe #European vacation #European holiday #european adventure #Travel #Travel blog #Traveller #Travelling #Expat #Expat blog #Expat abroad #Expat abroad abroad #American Expat #American abroad #American in Italy #American #US Expat #US to UK #US to UK to IT #US to IT #adventure #wanderlust #ponte vecchio #brewdog #trashy blonde

[tyson-berry-blog]

William Nylander #1 - Not What You Think

Anon asked: Yo image idea where ur austons bff but u and nylander can literally not get along at all and everyones always joking that its bc u guys are too similar or theres just so much built up tension u need to hook up or somethin so one day auston takes u to a team party maybe?? and drunk nylander sees u w some other mans and gets jealous so he pulls u aside and starts an argument and it either ends in aggressive smut or him blurting out that he is actually in love with you u decide :)

Here you go anon! This one kind of got away from me and ended up being way longer than I intended. I had a lot of fun writing this and had to restrain myself from making it even longer than it ended up being. I hope you enjoy it!

You shut your textbook in triumph and placed your head in your hands. The library was bustling around you with students finishing assignments in a last minute attempt to boost their grade before school let out for winter break. The last assignment you needed to hand in was a paper for your literature class that only needed to be edited and you had no motivation left to do it. You did have two days left until it was due which is why you picked up your phone and thumbed through the messages you had waiting.

Unsurprisingly you had several from your best friend Auston and all of them seemed to be about some team gathering at Morgan Rielly’s house.

“Leave me alone,” you typed out. “I’m doing work.”

“False,” came the immediate reply. “You never answer your phone when you’re working.”

You rolled your eyes but knew he was right. It was a policy you put into place much to Auston’s annoyance. You put your phone on Do Not Disturb so you could only be reached in the event of an emergency and as much as Auston begged, you didn’t put him on the list. If you answered him every time he texted, you would get almost nothing done.

Before you could respond your phone buzzed again.

“Please come to Mo’s. It’ll be fun.”

“Will William be there?”

“I don’t know what your problem is with him. Willy is a chill dude.” “I’ll take that as a yes.”

You hesitated. You honestly didn’t mind William, quite the opposite. He was the one that seemed to have a problem with you and you had no idea why. Auston had brought you as his plus one to the first team gathering because out of everyone in Toronto he said that you made him feel the most comfortable. Eventually you started accompanying Auston to most events, even long after he became familiar with the team. As Auston grew closer to his teammates, you did as well. You got to see the guys for who they really were and not who the media tried to make them out to be. They no longer seemed like untouchable athletes, but instead a group of guys who got to do what the loved. With that realization came the feelings you had no control over. William Nylander was no longer a scary, force to be reckoned with but instead a goofy twenty-one-year-old whose smile lit up any room he entered. Except when he looked at you. Any time his eyes met yours it was like someone doused him in water, effectively killing the light. You tried to not let it get to you but sometimes it hurt.

You didn’t realize you had zoned out until your phone vibrating in your hand startled you back to reality. It was an incoming video call from Auston that had you rolling your eyes before accepting. You put your earbuds in and looked at him with your eyebrows raised.

“Please come.”

“Why do you need me there? You’re fine with the team.”

“I know that but can’t I want to have my best friend with me?”

“Don’t let Mitch hear that.”

“Oh Mitchy knows already. No one can replace you.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel guilty.”

“Is it working?”

You sighed, “fine! What kind of party is this?”

Auston whooped, “it’s casual, a barbeque I think.”

“In this weather?”

“We’re in Canada, if there isn’t snow on the ground it’s outdoor weather.”

You looked him in the eye, “you owe me.”

“What do you want?” Auston asked without missing a beat.

“I want to wear your Leafs sweatshirt. The fuzzy one with the - ”

“With the number in the corner, I got it. You know they sell similar ones online, you can just buy one instead of always asking for mine.”

“Ha. Not on my college student budget.”

“They’re not that expensive.”

“Says the guy with the NHL salary.”

Auston chuckled, “I’ll pick you up around five.”

You looked at your watch, “that gives me no time!”

“You better get going then.”

You held your middle finger up to the camera and hung up on him. The girl next to you tried to stifle a laugh. You quickly put your finger down and felt your face blush.

“Boyfriend?” she asked.

“Oh definitely not,” you laughed. “My best friend.”

You didn’t have time to think about the look she gave you as you dashed out of the library and back to your dorm. You had hardly any time to change and cut it incredibly close to when Auston texted you saying he was out front. When you slid into the passenger seat a piece of fabric hit your face.

“Auston what the hell?”

“It’s the sweatshirt you wanted.”

“You’re so annoying. I can’t believe anyone would think I’m dating you.”

Auston looked at you, “wait what? And I’ll have you know, I’m a great boyfriend.”

“Some girl in the library asked if you were my boyfriend after our conversation.”

“That’s funny.”

“I know right!”

Auston paused, “well I can kind of see what she is getting at.”

“What?”

“I mean we are really close.”

“We’re best friends!”

“I know that obviously. I’m just saying.”

“Auston I need you to answer something for me.”

“Yes?”

“You aren’t into me right?”

“Gross. You’re like my sister.”

“Okay first off, gross? Really?”

“You know what I mean.”

“And secondly, that’s good because no offense but I definitely do not like you like that.”

Auston parked and looked at you, “glad we’re on the same page. But wait. Do you like someone?”

“No,” you answered quickly.

Auston narrowed his eyes, “I don’t believe you. You answered way too fast.” You put the hoodie on and refused to meet his gaze.

“You so do! Do I know them? Is it one of the guys?”

“What guys? We know a lot of guys.”

“It is! Is it Mo? He’s a good guy.”

“I don’t like Morgan.”

“Well why not? He’s cool. Okay let me think,” Auston mentally ran the roster through his head. When he looked at you with wide eyes, you knew he had figured it out. “Is it Willy?”

“No,” you answered with too much force.

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

You shoved him, “since when do you know Hamlet? You know what. Never mind. I’m going inside.”

“To your true love?”

“Shut up,” you hissed. “You do not tell anyone. It’s embarrassing.”

“Why?”

“Because he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he is physically capable of hating anyone.”

“Auston please.”

“I won’t say anything, I promise.”

“Thank you. Let’s go inside, it’s freezing.”

Auston knocked on the door and it was quickly opened by Jake Gardiner on the other side.

“Glad you guys could make it. Mo is out back with the grill, and drinks and stuff are in the kitchen. Help yourself.”

“Thank you for having us,” you said.

“Someone has to make sure these kids are actually eating stuff besides take out.”

You gestured at Auston who had moved further into the house, “I know this one isn’t a complete failure.”

“Well he has you to look out for him.”

“It’s a daily struggle but I do the best I can.”

“And we thank you for your sacrifice,” Jake joked.

You said bye to Jake and moved down the hall Auston had gone down. In the short span you had been here he had somehow convinced Morgan to let him help out on the grill. You rolled your eyes fondly and went in search for the drinks. You had only been in this house once before so while it was slightly familiar, it had been a while. You grabbed yourself a bottle of water and squeezed past James van Riemsdyk to get to the living room. A few players and their significant others were sitting on the couches while a game played on the television. The only available seat was next to none other than William Nylander. You hesitated in the doorway before squaring your shoulders and walking into the room.

“Mind if I sit here?”

William looked up and just liked you predicted the smile slipped from his face but he gestured to the seat anyway which you took as a sign to sit down. You found yourself sucked into a story Freddie was telling and did your best to ignore the guy sitting next to you. Morgan finally came in to announce that dinner was ready and everyone jumped up to help themselves. You decided to wait a bit for the line to get smaller and remained seated. Slowly the team trickled back into the living room and took their seats. Auston walked in and handed you a plate.

“Thanks, but you didn’t have to. I was about to get up.”

“Well now you don’t have to.”

Auston took the seat next to you that had been previously occupied by William.

William chose that moment to walk back through the door and stopped when he saw Auston in his seat.

“I think William was sitting there,” you whispered to Auston.

“Hey sorry bro. You can have your seat back.”

“It’s fine.”

“Nah it’s cool. I’ll move.”

“Really, it’s fine.” William ducked back out of the room.

Auston shot you a weird look but shrugged and went back to eating.

“I’m going to get some water; do you want anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

You placed your plate on the dining room table as you walked by and went into the kitchen. William had his back to the door and didn’t notice it was you when you came in.

“William?” you asked tentatively.

He spun around to look at you, eyes wide.

“Wait!” You put your hands out to stop him from bolting.

“What?”

“Can I just talk to you for a second?”

“What?” he repeated.

“Why do you hate me?” You blurted the words out before you could stop yourself and his eyes widened even more.

An awkward silence fell between the two of you.

“I don’t hate you,” he said quietly.

“Well it sure as hell seems like it.”

“I don’t.”

You crossed your arms and waited for him to continue. This movement brought his attention to your jacket which only made him scowl deeper.

“See that,” you pointed at his expression. “That doesn’t look like the face of someone who doesn’t hate someone.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“You said that already but have yet to prove me wrong.”

“I like you,” he gritted out.

“Excuse me?”

He took a deep breath, “I like you a lot, but you have a boyfriend so...”

“A boyfriend? I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“You’re dating Auston.”

This caused you to let out a laugh that did nothing but bring the scowl back to William’s face.

“It’s good to know you find my feelings funny.”

“I’m not laughing at you.”

“Whatever,” he said clearly not believing you. “Just do me a favor and not tell Auston until I’ve left.”

“William. Willy. I’m not dating Auston, nor have I ever been. We’re just friends.”

“You’re wearing his jacket.”

“That means nothing. This is a high quality jacket that I find very warm and cannot not afford on my college student budget.”

“You guys are always touching.”

“Auston is a tactile person. You should know that, you play with him.”

William was silent for a second, “you’re really not dating him?”

“Of course not. He is like a brother and besides, I like someone else.”

His face shut down again.

“It’s you, you idiot.”

“You better not just be saying that.”

“I’m not.”

This was the first time one of William’s smiles had been directed at you and you were by no means prepared.

“Um so,” you fiddled with your hair. “What does this mean?”

“I think this means we exchange numbers? Only if you want to, of course.”

“I want to.”

Willy’s smile somehow got bigger and you found yourself smiling back. He passed his phone to you and you entered your number. He did the same with your phone.

“I should probably go back. I told Auston I was just getting water.”

He nodded and you turned around to go back.

“Hey,” he called behind you.

“Yes?”

“You might need this,” he tossed a bottle of water at you.

You caught it easily, “right. Thanks.”

“I’ll text you.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

You walked back into the living room and sat down next to Auston.

“Geez, did you get lost? I was going to send a search party after you.”

“I just talked to William.”

“Oh god. Did you hurt him? Do I need to send a search party out for him?”

“If you need to find him, I can always text him,” you hid your smile behind your hand.

“Did you get his number?”

You nodded.

“Dude, nice,” Auston high-fived you. “Did you work out whatever problems you had.”

“I think so.”

#william nylander imagine #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey imagines #toronto maple leafs imagine #william nylander #Toronto Maple Leafs

[voodoochili]

A Special, EXTRA BIG Edition of Reviewing the Hits (2016/2017)

It’s that time again! It’s time to review every song that topped the Billboard Hot 100 in 2016. Wait, you’re saying “that time again” passed sometime in December, or at the very least January, when people still gave a shit about reviewing the year that was? Fair enough. In my defense, I like to let the dust settle a bit on these hits before I review them to try to get a big picture on the previous year’s pop trends. Either that, or I am unforgivably lazy. Probably a combination of the two. My apologies to my three or so loyal readers who look forward to this column every year!

As a special treat, and so people might actually want to read this in May 2017, I’m not only gonna review all of last year’s number ones, but review all of the current year′s number ones up to this point as well. Relevance! 

Just gonna do a quick rundown of 2016 (and I guess 2017), because it already feels like a billion years ago, but the most important trend on the charts in 2016 was the appropriation of Caribbean styles of music, particularly dancehall, into mainstream pop music. Hooray! Another fun, vibrant style of music for the pop charts to chew up and spit out until Ed Sheeran thinks it’s ok to use it.

The parallel story was the resurgence of Hip-Hop, the biggest beneficiary of new Billboard methodology that rewards stream counts as much as radio play. There are still many issues about Billboard methodology and the weighting and averaging of certain metrics over others, but the inclusion of streaming seems to me to be a positive development. Despite the surge in popularity of Hip-Hop in recent years, Top 40 radio is as segregated as it ever has been. Radio programmers are completely stuck in their ways, and less willing than they once were to shift genre or format boundaries to accommodate a rising hit song. The influence of streaming forces programmers hands, but they often don’t succumb to the popularity of the latest Hip-Hop or dance track until well after many genre fans are sick of it. Still, radio programmers still have control over what they play, and this can create a weird incongruity between the top song on the Billboard charts and the top song on the airplay chart--”Panda” and “Black Beatles” topped the charts, but you weren’t exactly hearing those tracks at shopping malls.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: Billboard is the culture now! Songs that would peaked in the outer reaches of the top 40 five years ago routinely reach the top ten--”Broccoli,” “2 Phones,””Don’t Mind,” “XO Tour Llif3″etc. Sometimes when I look at the charts these days, it feels like Billboard charts 80 of the most popular songs in America and leaves it to Complex and The FADER to pick the rest.

Edited to add: Can’t believe I forgot to mention this the first time around, but we are currently amidst a record run of men topping the Billboard chart. It’s been nearly a year since Sia topped the charts with “Cheap Thrills” and since The Chainsmokers’ and Halsey’s “Closer” came off the number one spot, there haven’t even been any female featured artists. I honestly have no idea what to make of this, and I have to think that it’s a blip. Hopefully, this will change soon and it won’t take another Taylor Swift or Adele to wrest the Billboard charts away from the grubby hands of Drake and Ed Sheeran and the rest of their male friends.

Anyway, onto the hits.

2016 - Pirates of the Caribbean

“Hello” – Adele; 11/14/15-1/16/16 (10 weeks)

Wrote about this song in last year’s recap! Here’s what I said (I still agree with most of it, though I probably would dock a point off the final score):

“Adele is the biggest star in music.  It’s taken as a given nowadays, but let’s take a moment to contemplate how strange this is.  Taylor Swift, Rihanna and Beyoncé have bigger Internet cults of personality and maybe more “cultural relevance,” but Adele is the only true four-quadrant star in today’s music business.  Adele is treated like a unicorn by the music press—“so she sold 3 million albums, but Adele is the exception.” Well, yeah, she’s the exception now, but she didn’t magically fall from the sky on a pile of platinum albums.  She developed.  She stopped being that Amy Winehouse-imitator that many pegged her as when she first came to America in 2009, and developed her own take on that retro-style, foregoing the brassy horns of ‘60s soul in favor of the revealing songwriting and acoustic bombast of ‘70s singer/songwriters like Carole King.  People these days seem to forget that Tapestry sold more albums than Off The Wall.  Adele’s unique combination of affable and engaging personality, polished songcraft and unmistakable voice got her to the top of the music world, but she’s no unicorn.  There can and probably will be another Adele, but only if they can belt out choruses as memorable as “Hello.”

Now for “Hello”: It’s alright.  The chorus is great and ridiculously fun to sing along to and the song and the production perfectly build until the chorus explodes.  Still, is this a song or just a chorus?  The verse lyrics do not add much to the chorus and they don’t provide a coherent emotional arc and too often it seems like Adele and her backing band are biding time until the chorus comes again.  Still, what a chorus!”

7/10

Justin Bieber - “Sorry”; 1/23-2/6 (3 Weeks)

A deceptively simple pop song with three chords, a dancehall beat, lots of cool sounds courtesy of Skrillex, and a maddeningly catchy chorus, “Sorry” feels like it should be better than it is. After a quatrain of massive hits in ‘15 and ‘16, Bieber enjoyed something of a critical rehabilitation, especially since most of pop radio seems engineered to recreate the hitmaking magic of “Sorry.” If you haven’t heard yet, Justin is an adult now, who likes to sing about “mature” subjects without any emotional maturity. I’ll give props to the man for trendspotting, but I’m not quite sold on his transformation. The superficially earnest and skin-deep faux-introspective lyrics are a bigger problem in his follow up hit, but the main thing that sidelines “Sorry” is Justin’ vocal, which is overly breathy, melodramatic, and often irritating. Still, it’s hard to deny the chorus melody and the production by Skrillex and Blood strikes an impressive balance between bubblegum pop and the harder-edged sounds for which Skrillex is famous. I don’t need to hear this song ever again, but it doesn’t make me mad.

5/10

Justin Bieber - “Love Yourself”; 2/13, 2/27 (2 Weeks)

“Love Yourself,” co-written by Ed Sheeran and produced with admirable restraint by Benny Blanco, recently won “Best Lyrics” in the 2017 IHeartRadio awards. Leaving aside award-winning couplets like “You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake/You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't” and the censored title insult, “Love Yourself” is a cripplingly, hopelessly petulant song. It’s “methinks the lady doth protest too much” in musical form. To his credit, the Biebs does a decent job selling the performance--whatever sweetness there is comes from his voice not the composition. The stripped down arrangement, with amateurish, whispy electric guitar and a trumpet teleported in from a happier song, shines a spotlight on the nasty and vindictive words. I’m thinking that whomever Justin is singing about isn’t missing him too much.

2/10

Zayn - “Pillowtalk”; 2/20 (1 Week)

For a minute there it felt like 2016 would be dominated by former teen stars who are now all-too-proud to boast “Hey, I’m having sex now!” through their music. "Pillowtalk” is an oversung, oversexed, overproduced slog--clocking in at 3:25 that feels like an eternity. It aims for “Climax,” by Usher, but it barely reaches “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons. The song is called “Pillowtalk,” Zayn, so please stop shouting at me!

2/10

Rihanna - “Work” ft. Drake; 3/5-4/30 (9 Weeks)

A refreshingly minimalist, slinky slice of music box dancehall from the best damn pop star working. Nobody stood out on the radio in 2016 like Rihanna. The songs that tried to imitate “Work”--oh and there were plenty--failed to capture the confident spontaneity, effortless melodicism, and sheer force of personality exhibited by RiRi on the track. Most importantly, and the thing that makes “Work” such a radio standout, the producers know to stay out of Rihanna’s way, barely embellishing the original “Sail Away” riddim and letting the diva do her thing. “Work” sails towards a 10, but then Drake shows up to talk his favorite subject: what the object of his affection “used to” do. Ease up, man.

8/10

Desiigner - “Panda”; 5/7-5/14 (2 Weeks)

A bombastic trap anthem from an excitable Brooklyn teenager on the mic and a former Mancunian cell phone salesman behind the boards, “Panda” is one of the more unlikely number ones in a while. Desiigner bought the beat that eventually became “Panda” from producer Menace for the low low price of $200, after discovering the beat on YouTube. The track quickly caught fire, reaching the ear of Kanye West, who slapped his own version onto The Life of Pablo. Strangely enough, “Panda” caught more heat than any of Kanye’s solo tracks, climbing up the charts to become first solo rap hit to reach the top of the Hot 100 since 2011 (Wiz Khalifa, “Black & Yellow).

All that stuff is super cool and all, but besides the origin story, I'm fairly conflicted about this song. There are some truly unique aspects to the track that help me understand why it caught on so quickly. In an era where artists are encouraged to throw a hook at you right off the bat, it takes some balls for Desiigner to let the beat build--holding back for the first 40 or so seconds of the track, letting the natural contours of the instrumental and his wild ad-libs do the work. Did I say natural contours of the instrumental? Yeah, the beat is great. At first blush, it seems a bit rudimentary, but so few radio rap tracks actually have any dynamics--they’re all full steam ahead all the time. It’s refreshing and kinda weird to hear the LOUDquietLOUD formula that’s been done to death in alt-rock in a trap song.

But overall, despite the more interesting aspects, the whole of “Panda” is just garden-variety trap, but without the hook that makes trap music interesting--a unique personality. Desiigner can’t help if his rhythmic baritone sounds similar in timbre to Future, but he uses the EXACT SAME FLOW as Future as well. In fact, I bet there are STILL people out there who think that “Panda” is a Future song and the fact that it topped the charts before any real Future song feels a little bit like Pat Boone’s “Tutti Frutti” outselling Little Richard’s.

6/10

Drake - “One Dance” ft. Wizkid & Kyla: 5/14, 6/4-7/30 (10 weeks)

Leave it Drake to litter a scorching sample and piano loop with his atonal ramblings, magically transforming a potential banger into a Pavlovian stimulus to change the station. Do me a favor and listen to the original instead.

3/10

Justin Timberlake - “Can’t Stop The Feeling”: 5/21 (1 Week)

Like Pharrell’s “Happy,” JT’s “Can’t Stop The Feeling” is a feel-good cash grab from the soundtrack to a kids’ movie. Also like “Happy,” it’s a song that sounds a lot more like a jingle from a Coca-Cola commercial than a pop song that has any business near the radio. JT is a more engaging performer than Pharrell, so this has some sterile charm (and I dig the finger snaps), but mostly, this song is the sound of a once-great pop star grasping for a niche in today’s crowded marketplace now that the other Justin captured his sex appeal and Bruno Mars eclipsed him as the most beloved translator of ‘80s R&B slickness.

4/10

Sia - “Cheap Thrills” ft. Sean Paul: 8/6-8/27 (4 Weeks)

The second catchiest dancehall-influenced track to top the charts in 2016! (Due respect to “Work,” get lost “One Dance”). With the sound of pop music ever drifting toward the Caribbean, it was inevitable that one of pop music’s biggest dancehall crossover stars would rear his head for a comeback. And voila! Here is Sean-a Paul bringing back his bi-di-bam-bam to the pop charts, livening up an otherwise blah track. Sia, as usual, delivers a solid melody and a strong vocal, but the backing track is punchless with no memorable instrumental hooks and a barely noticeable rhythm section.

5/10

The Chainsmokers - “Closer” ft. Halsey: 9/3-11/19 (12 weeks)

When future social scientists study the popular music of America in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, they will find that a single turning point plunged the quality of the artform into an irreversible decline: the moment that one dude from the Chainsmokers psyched himself up in the mirror and convinced himself he could sing.

2/10

Rae Sremmurd - “Black Beatles” ft. Gucci Mane: 11/26-12/31; 1/14/17 (7 Weeks)

I’M A FUCKIN’ BLACK BEATLE CREAM SEATS IN THE REGAL ROCKIN’ JOHN LENNON LENSES LIKE TO SEE ‘EM SPREAD EAGLE...

ahem. excuse me.

It’s hard for me to retain my critical faculties when listening to this song, but I’ll try my hardest to succinctly describe why I think "Black Beatles” is one of the greatest rap songs of the past decade or so. 

First, Mike WiLL’s beat--with those strange, Eastern-style modal ascending fourths, the Glass-like arpeggiated synth riff that hangs in the air, the brilliant use of negative space in the bottom that transforms any room into a haze-filled cavern, those hi-hats that sound like a million monkeys crafting a masterpiece on a million typewriters...I can go on and on.

Second, I would like to congratulate Swae Lee and company for creating a five minute long song where nearly every moment is a hook. Seriously, there are at least seven or eight lines in Swae’s verse that could be the key line in a massive single (”New day, new money to be made,” “Like clockwork, I blow it all” “She think she love me, I think she trollin’”).

Third, while this might feel like a participation trophy for Gucci Mane and Slim Jxmmi, it’s not. Slim’s absurd lyrics and crazy high energy provide the perfect anchor lap, and Gucci’s verse provides some twisty wordplay as the cream filling the Rae Sremmurd oreo.

Are Rae Sremmurd the next Beatles? Probably not. Are they the trap N’Sync? Warmer. Either way, here’s to many more number one hits and trashed hotel rooms for these crazy kids, who hopefully never grow up.

9/10

2017 - THE YEAR THAT IS NOW

The Weeknd - “Starboy” ft. Daft Punk: 1/7 (1 Week)

In which Abel Tesfaye chops off his famous ‘do and magically transforms into Tears For Fears. Three-and-a-half minutes of build-up that never quite resolves into a climax. I’m not sure what Abel was going for with that chorus--”starboy” is a silly phrase that the song demands you take very seriously. I’m sorry--to me a “starboy” calls to mind the “Star Child” from the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey or a superhero’s sidekick. Maybe he’s trying evoke David Bowie (”staaaarmaaan”), but this is a lot more Starship than Stardust.

5/10

Migos - “Bad and Boujee” ft. Lil Uzi Vert: 1/21, 2/4-2/11 (3 Weeks)

A sinister, cavernous, evil trap banger like this topping the Billboard charts?--momma we made it. This year, people finally realized that putting three uniquely talented, rappin’-ass-rappin’ emcees who finish each others sentences and help each other out with absurd ad-libs on every track was a very good idea. Failing that, just grab Quavo and let him sang. As great as Quavo is on everything, and he comes through here with a brilliant secondary hook (”yeah..dat way”), the real star of “Bad and Boujee” is Offset, who peppers Metro Boomin’s track with rhythmic witticisms and provides the year’s most memeable chorus. As for Lil Uzi Vert (eyeaaah)...well... it would have been nice to hear Takeoff on this track, but no matter, he shines on the follow-up hit, and our nation’s new national anthem, “T-Shirt.”

Is Migos better than The Beatles? No. Is “Bad and Boujee” better than “Black Beatles”? Almost.

9/10.

Ed Sheeran - “Shape of You”: 1/28, 2/18-4/29 (12 Weeks)

RIP Dancehall (1985-2017) -- Killed by a charmless, rhythmically challenged chia pet and the tinniest, rinky-dinkiest production to ever top the charts.

1/10

Kendrick Lamar - “HUMBLE.”: 5/6 (1 Week)

Considering all that Kendrick Lamar has done in the past five years, it’s kind of remarkable that people were concerned that Kendrick Lamar might have to sand off his rougher edges to achieve mainstream acceptance. Well, here he is in 2017, the biggest pure rap star in the world, and he gets his first number one, not with an attempted crossover but with a lyrical exercise, with a spare, pounding, piano beat by Mike WiLL Made It. Kendrick’s long-awaited successor to “Backseat Freestyle,” “HUMBLE.” is a bracing listen with the rapper delivering memorable line after memorable line in lockstep with the beat. “HUMBLE.” doesn’t quite have the emotional range or level of detail as some of the better songs on DAMN., but then again, I can’t think of a number one hit since the heyday of B.I.G. that has this level of pure, athletic rapping.

8/10

Bruno Mars - “That’s What I Like”: 5/13 (1 Week)

I’ve been doing this post every year for over a decade, and in that time, Bruno Mars has had SEVEN number one hits. So I’ve had plenty of chances to write about Bruno and I’ve made my opinion on him very clear: dude is a skilled craftsman and talented performer who’s never had an original idea in his oft-fedora’d head. In the past, I’ve levied that as a criticism, but now...I kinda like the dude. All it took for me to change my opinion was for Bruno to stop aping people like Billy Joel and start aping people like Zapp and Roger, or the Gap Band, or Teddy Pendergrass. “That’s What I Like” echoes the adult-oriented R&B of the ‘80s, but it doesn’t feel like as much of a retread as Bruno’s other big hits—borrowing stylistic elements but not in an obvious way. It’s a well-constructed song, written in 2/2 time with jazzy chords, endearingly dumb lyrics (“wake up with no jammies” “Julio cook that scampi”), and a big fat ‘80s-style analog synth on the bridge. What’s not to like?

8/10

DJ Khaled – “I’m The One” ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper, and Lil Wayne: 5/20 (1 Week)

Ever the master of A-List posse cuts, DJ Khaled built upon his recent Snapchat celebrity and earned his first number one hit with this beach bbq-ready slice of summer. This is possibly the most impressive combination of talent that Khaled has ever assembled on a song...so why is this so boring? I like most of the individual parts in the song, though I could really do without Bieber’s Caribbean patois at the end, but they come together to form this overlong mish mash. The main culprit, unfortunately, is the instrumental from Nic Nac, who I normally like a lot, which uses and abuses the ‘50s doo wop chord progression without dressing it up with sounds to make it more novel or interesting. I’m happy for Chance and Khaled for earning a #1, and I won’t change the station when it comes on, but “I’m The One” is overstuffed, brimming with wasted potential.

5/10

Luis Fonsi – “Despacito” (Remix) ft. Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber: 5/27-6/10 (3 Weeks [so far])

The first Spanish-language track to top the Billboard charts since the “Macarena” propelled Bill Clinton to victory over Bob Dole in 1996, “Despacito” is an infectious, if rote, slice of Latin Pop, anchored by Puerto Rican cuatro and an expressive vocal from Luis Fonsi (who I’d embarrassingly never heard of before hearing this song). As the American monoculture fragments into dozens of competing scenes and genres vying for attention, the Billboard reign of “Despacito” demonstrates the positive effects of putting the charts in the hands of streamers instead of radio programmers.

Then again, those dastardly programmers had to sully this with a Justin Bieber intro. I understand that adding Justin Bieber to “Despacito” was the only way to convince English-speaking radio to play it, but its melody is plenty strong enough to stand on its own. The original version benefits from the counterweight between Fonsi’s verse and Daddy Yankee’s rap, which the Bieber intro throws out of whack. Add the fact that Bieber seems to lack respect for the original artists and it looks like a transparent cash grab from a guy who probably doesn’t need the cash. Still, 30 seconds at the beginning of the song can’t take away from the remarkable achievement from the two artists, nor the the Cuatro wizardry of Luis Fonsi.

6/10

BEST #1 of 2016: “Black Beatles”

WORST #1 of 2016: Lots of competition, but let’s go with “Pillowtalk,” narrowly edging “Closer”

BEST/WORST of 2017 coming at the end of the year--this is shaping up to become one of the best ever years for number 1 hits (no thanks to you, Ed).

[gingerfiend117531-blog]

Transcription 1

Hear No Evil

Voice: “Ictiva … Solus … Omishos.”

*From the darkness, a peculiar growth of noise percolates through the darkness, ethereal and unearthly*

*A voice fades in after the eerie and fairly random incantation…*

???: ... Finally got it working!  I  was afraid I’d have to ask Connor to look at this piece of junk... Suppose that’s what I get for renting a janky microphone from the library.

Now, if I just hit this button here… *Click goes the microphone* ???:  Light’s flashing…  oh wait. Damn. It totally just recorded that.

*Another Click*

(Irritated blowing of air between lips)

???: Once more. Get this thing done. Then, Ultra Violent Sisters with Panni. Breathe.

(??? Inhales, and then exhales exasperatedly)

*Adjusting sounds of a nozzle can be heard, followed by a Click, and then:*

*Silence*

???: … Nope. Nothing. Nothing is coming to me.

*Click*

???: Who wants to even listen to a weirdo talk about college in a parallel dimension. That’d just be dumb.

*Shifting and shuffling noises are heard as ??? fidgits*

???: Professor Ynori will probably think it’s stupid. But I mean; what else am I going to use trans dimensional  communication magic for anyway?

*There is a beat, a pause in soliloquy*

???: Oh, Welcome back. … What? No, don’t worry Euphrates: I wasn’t recording. And even if I was, I put a charm on the microphone so it’ll only pick up sounds from me.

(??? Snorts in response to something Euphrates suggests)

???: No, I will pass on your help. I don’t want Ynori to get on your ass for helping me out with my personal project for my screw up.

*Silence, followed by ??? chuckling*

???: Yes: exactly. “Delphius is a huge wiener!” would totally match my ‘journal’s’ aesthetic… Anyway; what are you doing back so soon from practice?

*The audience now connects that ‘???’ is symbology to represent Delphius*

(The other individual who is almost certainly attractive, and is named Euphrates, responds in the absence of noise)

Delphius: Oh, I gotcha. I’ll just check these emails and then I’ll bounce so you can have some peace…

(Delphius murmurs the summaries of emails)

Delphius: Advocates for Pixie Justice… Meatloaf in the cafeteria for dinner… Overdue assign-

DUDE! Come on!  Warn me before you take off your boxers!

(Pause, most likely a retort from Euphrates after an uncalled for outburst)

Delphius: It’s not so much the fact you’re naked in the room, as it is the fact that I don’t fancy seeing your junk. Or much less, anyone’s.

(Another cessation of speaking, perhaps the Roommate apologizing, until Delphius is heard again)

Delphius: No, I’m sorry to be a pest… Honestly I should just get over it.

(Glorious void of sound transcends all until once again broken by the Prude)

Delphius: Naw, thanks for understanding… But um… Can you keep that book covering your - Yes. Exactly. Just like that. Don’t move.

*He pauses*

Delphius: Beautiful. Now then.

*A click, not unlike the microphone’s but ever so slightly higher pitched is emitted*

(Again, Delphius is muttering under his breath, reading aloud Email-Titles.)

Delphius: Mortals of earth; hear me! I come to you with tidings of - That’s spam mail… Spam, spam, Nigerian Prince, spam…

*It is most certainly a mouse click that is heard*

(An instance of Euphrates potentially speaking to Delphius is indicated by lack of noise)

Delphius: Yuuup. Yeah, be careful. Looks like a weirdo email going around right now, probably has some kinda virus… Anyway, I’m going go to the study room to record; see you in awhile.

*Nothing can be heard for several minutes*

*A door closes, swinging on ancient hinges*

Delphius: Okee dokee.  No naked tiger roommates, just me and a boring project. Let’s do this.

*A crescendo of silence overtakes the senses*

*Click*

Delphius: Hello and welcome to Scaldor’s Grant Academy and I’m going to talk about I wanttttt…. Aaaahhhhvvvvvvv…

*Raspberry in response to the word vomit*

Delphius:  Muh. . . What should I even do for an opening? … Radio show hosts do not get enough credit for their eloquence…

*Distinct Inspiration of Respiration*

*Prominent Exhalation*

Delphius: Think ... Focus. Cheesy quote about inspiration… Onu, Sod, Sert…

Got it. Just… Think.

*A complete breath cycle*

Delphius: Divines. Guide my tongue. Unload my mind. Free my heart.

*An eternity seems to pass but in a moment before the familiar  Click is sounded*

Delphius: Across a vast, yet transient gap in reality, the world of Splinter exists as a pocket between realms. And in this little pocket, a reclusive collegiate student is struggling to pass Magicks Class. And this is his attempt at doing so. Through remedial class projects.

*Pause*

Delphius: You are mortals. And we are the Fae. You also call us monsters, cryptids, fiends, demons, spirits, and a whole grocery list of other things. But no matter what you call us, we do exist. Just not on Earth. Not anymore, since humans discovered the Fae’s secret to magic.

(There is a flicker of doubt in Delphius’ voice)

Delphius: Do humans even know about magic… ?

I mean: I’m sure you’ve been introduced to the idea of magic. I don’t really know what humans do for their education on that topic. I’ll explain, just in case.

Anything and everything considered miraculous could be called ‘magic’. Eurasian seas being parted, summoning devils to grant you omniscience, finding your missing car keys on the first attempt. That sort of thing. That is what we would and should consider ‘magical’ in nature. Makes sense? No? We’ll try another time.

Now originally, we, the Fae, were the only ones with magic. But there’s a price that comes with such power. No free lunch syndrome, I’ve  heard it called.

(Delphius  scoffs, then resumes his rant)

Delphius: Being gifted with magic, we also were given a price; our free will.

Now, that doesn’t mean we can’t go to the supermarket whenever we please, or that we can’t worship the Divines as we like. Oh no. It’s something a little more devious and subtle.

Fae have True Names. As in, a secret name that, if a Mortal or other Fae Creature discovered it, we as an individual would be totally and entirely enslaved to the holder of our True Name.  If they so chose to do so. Three guesses as to what human magi did that figured out these names? That’s right! You! The person staring at the glowing rectangle! Many Fae became the slaves of Mankind with this finding! *A clapping is heard, the noise as sarcastic as percussive noise can be made*

Delphius: With this discovery, our birthright of magic became our undoing. By binding Fae with their True Names, humans  could finally use magic. Our magic. And a lot of us over on Splinter’s side are  still very afraid of that possibility.

I don’t see it productive to be afraid, and totally blame mortals. I mean, I’m sure humans were in the right to fear humongous, terrifyingly ugly, and/or magic wielding creatures running around your neck of the woods. Frankly, I’d probably try to figure out how to get them to do what I’d want too. But all the same; the Fae of old knew that they were no longer welcome on Terra, or Earth as ‘y’all’ call it. So, we tore off a chunk of the realm of Terra,  and with it, created Splinter, where the Fae have lived ever since.

*A moment of consideration brings about a break in monologue*

Delphius: Oh, and just so you humans don’t feel like you were cheated; each and every one of you has entirely free will. Sure, there may be a possibility you have true names, but even in any books on the subject, you can’t be bound by your soul to do some weirdo sadist’s biddings. Methinks that, instead, it has something to do with contracts … I dunno; probably not important. But it only makes sense that nothing in this universe is so clean cut. Which leads me to my next talking point.

There are scars from the the creation of Splinter, and the Gap, which is space in realms between Terra and Splinter. As the ‘Scar’ implies, it’s not a clean cut.  There are still portions of our worlds that are connected. Probably for the best anyway;  it’d probably mean oblivion for the Fae if we were entirely secluded, and cut off from Terra.

Butthese scars; the Fae call them Tethers. Tethers are points where both Splinter and Terra overlap, existing in the same time and space as each other. There are other weird properties about Tethers too, but short and sweet, that’s why humans see weird crap they can’t explain. Mostly.

(There is a sucking sound, as though Delphius is biting his lip in ponderation)

Delphius: It comes to my attention the idea of tethers may be too abstract from that description. Try this approach to try and understand Tethers:

they are  Crystal Pillars. You can see through them but they also prevent the roof from falling down on your head.

(Delphius says nothing for a moment, evaluating his suggestion)

Delphius: ...  On second thought, please try to erase that from your mind and draw whatever other conclusions you want to about Tethers. It is probably much more accurate.

(An obvious cough to serve as a weak diversion is performed)

Delphius: Crappy analogies aside, the next time you see flashing, unidentified  lights randomly dancing around the sky? It’s probably some Splintarian Father playing Lazertag with his son. Mysterious footsteps in your attic? Probably a mage pacing around. Ghost finder app on your phone going nuts? … You should go get that checked out.

Did I mention that Lazertag is a professional sport here?

I will  apologize for so suddenly bringing it up, but I do think I should make it clear: I only know a few things about lazertag because of my siblings. I do not ‘sport’ as many would say. So don’t ask me the details please. It gets complicated. *Word stew is chewed about in Delphius’ mouth before the thought continues*

Delphius: … I’ll be real with you; no school facts, just me facts. I don’t do much of anything. That’s how I like it. School is boring because I hate lecture, physical activity is too draining and involves too many people, and the only reason I am doing this remedial project is so I can eventually get credit for this magic class.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Magic class?! Does this mean you are getting an education in the arcane arts at a center of learning that is similar to a magnificent and copyrighted academy of the mystical? How could you not be excited?!”

Yes, no, and quite simply are my answers, and in this order. I can try to explain my college some other time, but I assure you; if I actually get this recording approved, you’ll be disappointed. There are not many ‘whimsical’ things to discover in the eternal labyrinth in the basement. Far from it.

Really? School time means studying for biology, praying you get a  pass on  your English paper, and hoping that blob of brown goo you concocted in Homemaker’s Alchemy is not Caustic to skin.

So I’ll share the short story for now: Skalder’s University. It is one of the major magical universities of Splinter. I attend Skalder’s. Our mascot is a Toad so I am a Warter.  So are my moms... they are Alumni.

*A distinct gurgling and gnashing of teeth can be heard, as well as an apprehensive “Hmmm…”*

Delphius: My friends, are Warters if they attend Skalders. Skalder’s is an ancient school, dusty old people and faculty: you’ll probably never see it because humans should stay out of Splinter. Because of previously mentioned issues and prejudices. *Bitter chuckling*

Delphius: So now here’s the kicker; why bother paying ludicrous amounts of drachma to attend a stuffy school that doesn’t even offer your major of interest? The instruments.

The incredible amount of thaumaturgical instruments available to students is astounding. With these tools, I can perform research on …

(A notable pause. Delphius seems hesitant to continue his statement, but relinquishes his thought)

Delphius:  Research the mortal world. Which, in my eyes, seems so much more interesting than anything magic could offer.

(Deliberate silence meant for building suspense is shattered just as suddenly as appearing)

Delphius: I mean, think about it! Humans serve as the role models for our language and customs in Splinter. And we’ve taken so many ideas from you guys: and I want to just know more about you. And I can do that while I’m at Skalders. There’s not a chance at  home cause I couldn’t afford the instruments or equipment. Heck; even if I could, I’d probably just waste my time with a hand down my pants watching Kitsune Frenzy Force Versus the Kappa Commandos.

Now I know this sounds like a bad idea, being so interested in humans while I’m a Fae being. But I assure you; I’m not planning on trading my voice to a sea witch or some weird deal like that. I think I’ve heard about a movie that goes like that, and I don’t fancy becoming seafoam. Or having a potential love interest become magically seducted. Been there, done that. Not fun, let me tell you...

(There is an uncomfortable tension in the air as a faint ringing, or buzzing sounds now permeates the broadcast)

Delphius: This is my interest, though. My thing. My vocation. I can feel it in my incredibly skinny bones. I want to know about  humanity.To try and envision what it’d be like to have humanity instead of Faeship.  I want to see what humans do with their free will; how they handle life’s problems without magic so readily available. Why they think like they do, what they think of magic.

Probably doesn’t sound exciting, but coming from someone who doesn’t even know his ancestral heritage, I find the idea exciting…

(Delphius pauses and plays with an idea)

Delphius: Wouldn’t it be something if I were part human? And I spend hours upon hours researching them only to discover that I have lineage of mankind running in my veins? . . .

(There is a sharp halt of momentum, and a trailing, “Eh…”)

Delphius: Actually, no: that would make for some sort of really cliche drama that I actually don’t fancy much. The more I think about it, I pray to the divines that’s not the case. It’d be a really crappy, ironic plot twist to my life. But I could totally see it too.

*There is perchance an instance of Delphius waving his hand ambivalently, though the sound  of the action cannot be captured*

Delphius: Anyways, ignoring that silly thought, I should probably wrap up this recording. The microphone is violently shaking and foaming at the mouth, which means it’s low on battery.

I know that this will very likely never reach human ears, but all the same; thank you. It means a lot that you took the time to listen. Especially you, Dr. Ynori. I appreciate this opportunity.

This is Delphi, signing out.

*Click*

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