#ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down

[arthur-r]

(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)

im so fucking sick though. just in general

#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do #stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up #so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min #you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared #when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye #now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours #and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t #and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore #i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand #when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life #like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from #all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand #and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine #like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical #why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical #problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor #ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down #i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities #which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need #i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing #and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!! #but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause #heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain #anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look #but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love #and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been #there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!! #people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends #and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant #keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.

[invisible-allover-blog]

lyrica

so today im thinking of writing and only because i have no internet at the moment. its amazing how much the internet controls our day to day livs. I feel less productive when in hindsight im more productive given that theres no music, films netflix to indulge in. I just had a neighbour offer me a strong painkiller and i said no.. hmm. Should i have taken it? i mean im feeling good so no. No i shouldnt be taking it. its called lyrica ive had it before, unfortunately i love my painkillers. Fortunately im strong enough to say no. Its like floating on a cloud with a stomach bug. Im seriously considering going up now and asking for one. Ill just keep typing my useless day into this notepad generic bullshit word doc type thing. i wish i could write code id love to make a cool website and have people come and check it out, that'd be pretty cool. so today i scrounged around the house for $1 just for a slurpee... my new addiction. i had to scrounge because i went out on friday night and lost my fucking wallet. such a bummer. i had my passport bank cards numerous opal cards and it was new, i also had a mental health crisis card in there. id insert an emoji but notepad doesnt have that... i dont think it even has windigs. if my wallet was stolen the culprit had 3 valiums in there too. i was going to sell them, $5 a pop. But no, i lost them. I dont even know how i got home friday night but thank god i did. How the fuck do we humans do it, get so sloshed we cant walk but end up home tucked into bed with the whole fridges contents poured onto the kitchen bench. a feast i want to forget, im pretty sure i ate off hummus dip, stale lebanese bread and the month old butter. Anyway, i lost my wallet and i went out friday its sunday now and im still not over it. i was proud of myself adulting and using my wallet to adult with. Now im back to cardless cash begging parents for money and no way to get on a train to dads. I just want to pick up my GHD from there. I need my fucking GHD, i have an appointment with a job agency tomorrow and i dont want to look like a messy ball of trash. MY neighbour matt just told me about his acid trip, now i know why the vibes are so intense when i see him. I feed off those vibes, if youre on drugs im on drugs. I think thats why i like to be on my own, in my own bubble, my own feels/vibes/aura whatver the fuck you want to call it. By the way im having internet withdrawals. Not social media though, i dont even like facebook. Or instagram, i dont have a nikon d603852-86402=3403094302-5 to use to make myself look spot on and carefree whilst the photo probably took about 600 shots to get, for what a couple of likes and a "follow" im psychotic at times and i dont think the sound of being followed quite agrees with my mental state. Jubalubgily has followed you. okay juba.. sweet thanks. i dont even know you and im not going to be asked to sponsor anything soon. so uhh fuck off. I dont look at fitspo and think yeah ill go for a run and look like that because no i wont, i will not have thighs that shake the ground my ass isnt flat thank god but its not going to be clapping by next week so yeah seeing white teethed fake tanned big booties tits and practicly no waist isnt for me. its seriously soft porn, like there could be dudes wanking over those chicks, not could be. WOULD be. that wouldnt offend me but it would definetly creep me out. Im not going to re read this. Its like a journal entry of word vomit, projectile chunky word vomit. Maby ill write a book and sell it on ibooks for a buck, any thought? no because im typing this myself dumb fuck. actually couldve just said that was a rhetorical question. So what do you wear for a job agency interview? noe im worried... actually no im not ill wear my black flare pants a nice button up top and my cons. Back to thinking about taking lyrica. So i let my neighbour use my tobacco and now i feel as though he put something in there, but no he didnt. thats just paranoia. ughh so stupid. its a bad idea but im still wanting that lyrica.

#deardiary