#stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up

[arthur-r]

(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)

im so fucking sick though. just in general

#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do #stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up #so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min #you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared #when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye #now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours #and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t #and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore #i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand #when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life #like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from #all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand #and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine #like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical #why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical #problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor #ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down #i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities #which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need #i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing #and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!! #but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause #heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain #anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look #but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love #and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been #there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!! #people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends #and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant #keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.