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amethystina · 2 months

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A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

#Amethystina and Life #I don't really know what to tag this as #A rant?#A rambling?#An explanation?#It's just a lot I guess #And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not #I don't like talking about things like this #Or draw attention to it might be a better way to put it #But yeah #It's here if you want to read it #But do so at your own risk #Now I'm going to bed #And might just pretend I never wrote this because I feel awkward and embarrassed x'D

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a-very-fond-farewell · 3 months

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@amethystina : this was too good not to show you (on the left it’s the original) have a nice day! :D

#sneaky niki #the devil judge #amethystina #(also poor lawyer ko I made him blind in the meme but I didn’t know from whom else Yo Han could steal. he has no friends ;-;)#as I was making this silly thing it has occurred to me that Yo Han possibly sounds like Joan (not sure about the spelling tho)#so basically his father called one son Isaac and the other John #‘the Abyss’.... also known as John #anyway this was to cheer u up and I hope you can get to draw to your heart’s content these days #see u!

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a-very-fond-farewell-art · 1 year

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have two very rough versions of a drawing I made for the lovely @amethystina ! poor Ga On was dragged to a photo booth to take pictures in full sailor moon costume by none other than the ever charming Jin Joo. what a charmer!

#the color I picked for their complexion never translates well through a scanner #ah well. one day I’ll learn and convert to digital and then my colors won’t be botched like this ahah

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tenderlywicked · 2 years

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I don’t know why, but I found a huge pile of Beyond Evil fanfics that I like, yet not as many in The Devil Judge fandom. One of the best I’ve discovered so far isn’t finished yet, but it’s a wonderfully epic heap of angst (around 188,000 words!) - Who Holds the Devil by Amethystina. My drawing was inspired by this story because Komi the cat plays an important part in it :)

#the devil judge #my fanart #devil judge #tdj #kim gaon #the devil judge fanart #komi #park jinyoung #the devil judge fanfic #kdrama #the devil judge fanfiction

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wisdomrays · 4 years

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TAFAKKUR: Part 127

The Hummingbird

Research on hummingbirds (also known as nectar birds or Colibris), the smallest of the 9,800 bird species living today, has revealed remarkable facts. The world’s smallest birds are equipped with mind-blowing structures and functions that push all physiological and anatomical boundaries. The bee hummingbird (Mellisuga helenae), considered to be the smallest bird in the world, is only 1.96-inch-long and weighs 0.06 ounces.

There are around 330-340 species of hummingbird and they live only in North and South America and the nearby oceanic islands. With their colorful feathers, they are some of the most beautiful birds.

How the hummingbird flies

A hummingbird flaps its wings so fast that the motion cannot be seen by the human eye but only detected through special cameras. The wings move at an incredible speed in a seemingly complex pattern, drawing circles back and forth 50 to 80 times per second, depending on the species. Under the genus Colibri, the horned Sungem (Heliactin bilophus) species flaps its wings 90 times per second; the purple amethyst Colibri (Calliphlox amethystina) flaps its 80 times per second. This speed increases up to 200 per second during a short spike while escaping from an enemy. Moving back and forth, the wings oscillate in the form of the figure 8 in the air. While in most other birds the movement of the wings produces the power to lift up and down, Hummingbirds, like helicopters, can perform movements such as hanging in the air or standing steadily as well as flying backward or rising in a vertical direction.

Metabolic rate and energy consumption

Flying requires a lot of energy. The amount of energy spent is related to the bird’s body size and flapping speed. In this regard, given that a colibri flaps its wings 80 times per second, it takes a great deal of energy to maintain such a rapid movement. The colibri’s chest muscles were perfectly created for flapping quickly and take up 40% of the hummingbird’s total body mass. Therefore, a colibri consumes more energy than other birds; it’s basically a fighter jet.

In order to meet this high energy demand, the amount of nectar a colibri consumes every day has to be equal to their body weight. Living at such a high metabolic rate requires a fine adjustment of food consumptions with precise calculations.

Such a high food intake requires a high metabolism – and thus, the need for oxygen increases dramatically. When the need for oxygen increases, there can be two kinds of conditions. Those animals with very large lungs can intake a lot of air at once. And those with smaller lungs can produce the required oxygen by breathing many times a minute. Colibri or Nectar birds are the ones that can breathe the most in one minute. The lungs of the world’s smallest birds breathe 250 times per minute to transfer oxygen to their hearts weighing a mere 0.003 ounces and beating 1,200 times per minute.

Toronto University’s Kenneth C. Welch Jr. studied the metabolism of hummingbirds for more than 10 years. He discovered that there is a relationship between the size of hummingbirds, energy efficiency, and oxygen consumption, and that larger hummingbirds are more efficient energy users than smaller ones. A hummingbird can take 2.44 cubic inches of oxygen per 0.03 ounces an hour. When a small weight is added to the bird, this amount increases to 3.66 cubic inches, and their tissues use oxygen very efficiently.

Energy requirements

A hummingbird’s metabolism is the fastest among all vertebrates. It needs to eat almost constantly to get the energy it needs to produce fuel for its breathtaking metabolism, which functions like a power plant. It receives nectar from 2,000 flowers every day. If we humans could work at this bird’s energy levels, we’d have to eat about 1,300 sandwiches a day to produce energy, and our body temperature would rise to 725 °F! Also, our hearts would have to beat 1,260 times per minute. Although nectar from flowers is the main fuel source driving the bird’s metabolic engines, it also occasionally eats insects, for protein needs.

During any given 30-minute period, hummingbirds burn the sugar they had taken in an hour ago. If we apply this rapid intake of sugar and the metabolic cycle in human beings, we would have to drink a large bottle of soda and burn the sugar in it every minute.

Unlike us, hummingbirds use both glucose and fructose from nectar in their intestines, circulatory systems, and muscle cells. However, we can support our bodies at urgent needs with an intake rate of 30% of glucose. Half of the nectar that hummingbirds take is glucose and half is fructose. In this modern age, high fructose derived from corn in our diets has paved the way for metabolic diseases and obesity – that is, people cannot metabolize high fructose.

Scientists are trying to determine how hummingbirds can process fructose. It is known that there is a carrier molecule different from glucose in fructose. This carrier is very rare in human muscle cells, but it is found in abundance in hummingbird’s muscle fibers; so we believe the mystery of how they utilize fructose so fast is about to be solved.

Hummingbirds have been equipped with mechanisms to increase the rapid introduction of nutrients such as fructose and glucose – which are basically small sugar molecules – or amino acids into their metabolisms. Their hearts and blood vessels work at a high speed to carry the sugar into their tissues as well as to transfer a lot of blood. In addition, a large number of capillaries have been implemented close to the muscle cells so that the blood can reach each and every cell.

Wing design

While humanity has not yet invented a machine that can move in a figure-8 pattern 80 times per second, including forward and backward, the ultra-flexibility of a hummingbird’s unique wing strokes demonstrates the special creation of its bones, muscles, and joints. The colibri’s brain and nervous system, which control these muscles and joints by transmitting signals, require infinite knowledge and power. The flexibility of the shoulder joint in the movement of the wings, which allows them to bend to extreme positions not found in other birds, gives us an idea of the wing’s unique design and architecture. Although biomimetic engineers have spent millions of dollars applying this complex system to technology, they have so far failed in their attempts to produce a similar machine.

Cooling the feathers due to the friction of the muscles and the tremendous movement of the wings is a problem in itself. While man-made machines need advanced cooling systems, the hummingbird has been created with a such a built-in system.

Unique tongue structure

Biologists from the University of Connecticut have discovered that hummingbirds’ tongues have a very special design and work like micro pumps. Tongues about twice the length of their beaks allow them to reach deep into flowers. The nectar is then pumped into the body in less than 1/20th of a second. This occurs thousands of times each day. Tai-Hsi Fan and Margaret A. Rubega, who for a long time examined how hummingbirds stick their tongues 15 or 20 times a second into the tubular part of a flower, said that they “could not clearly understand how they drink the nectar.” In their latest study, they showed that it was only possible for the birds to hold nectar through two channels in their tongues. It was once thought that the physical rule of the upward movement of liquids in capillary tubes, even without suction, worked in the hummingbird’s nectar intake; but when special video recordings of the movement of their tongues were examined, it became evident that the tongue first compressed the nectar in a series of movements, then sprung up very quickly and the nectar was suddenly sprayed into the channels.

It would seem that both the hummingbirds and the flowers they need for sustenance were created in perfect harmony.

Red hummingbirds migrate from Alaska to Mexico every year. They can fly 56 miles per hour. Prior to this journey, they feed for one or two weeks to fill their fuel tanks, forming a layer of fat equal to half their body weight. Since these activities cause a lot of heat loss on the body surfaces, they cannot provide enough energy to stay active for more than 12 hours at a time. To counter this, they fall into a deep sleep every night for 12 hours. The energy storage, flight endurance, long-distance migration, and returning with the young ones are each complicated factors that their coming together to make this journey possible cannot simply be explained by blind chance.

Of course, the smallest bird in the world would have the smallest egg size: a mere 0.5 x 0.3 inches, for a total weight of 0.007 ounces. Considering that this wonderful bird’s design is embedded into this egg, which is about the size of the nail of our little finger, it can be understood how perfect a creation it is.

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duron1ar · 5 years

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Bard is unsure what to make of King Thranduil. The Elvenking might be regal and graceful beyond compare, but he is also cold and ruthless. Bard cannot comprehend why anyone would be so set on declaring war over a handful of gems, heedless of the lives they might lose.

But as the war for the Dwarven treasure draws nearer, Bard finds himself spending more time in the Elvenking's presence, and it would be a lie to say that he is not affected by King Thranduil's beauty — or the tension building between them.

#the hobbit #bard the bowman #Thranduil #Bard/Thranduil #fanfic recs

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artofambra · 7 years

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Amethyst Laccarias

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fiddlesticks-and-random-prompts · 5 years

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Plants! :3

Here we have our first prompt list, which is a bit short, having about ten days. To explain it shortly, this is a prompt list of several plants- you're meant to create different creatures and monsters with them. If you want, you could even merge them with animals. I hope you have fun, and i'd love to see your drawings of these, so feel free to post them on here!

1. Buttercup

2. Hedera Helix

3. Bonsai

4. Lily pad

5. Seaweed

6. Fly Agaric

7. Clavulina Amethystina

8. Orchid

9. Ginger (flower or root)

10. Flor de Maga

Extra bonus!

11. Titan Arum

12. Hydnellum Peckii

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You guys will no doubt have to look a few up for this, but I hope you enjoy it. While I did say it was a monster-sort of prompt, you can take it in any way. If you wanted to, just could just draw the plant itself! I hope you guys liked this list, and have a lovely evening.

On a completely unrelated sidenote, Hedera Helixes look a lot like stars! From my personal experience, at least. I honestly love how they grow from an elevated point. It reminds me a bit of vines.

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alexanzolaj · 5 years

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Fungi - September 11 Clavulina amethystina A6 The European purple coral fungus grows under conifers and hardwoods and it is probably micorrhyzal, meaning that its hyphen live in symbiosis with tree roots. . . . #sketchdaily #drawing #nature #natureart #dailydraw #watercolor #watercolour #markers #botanicalart #hkartist #hkart #caligraphy #fungus #fungi #clavulinaamethystina #clavulina #coralfungus https://www.instagram.com/p/B2SON1Tj6yq/?igshid=1vy1voli1s1to

#sketchdaily #drawing #nature #natureart #dailydraw #watercolor #watercolour #markers #botanicalart #hkartist #hkart #caligraphy #fungus #fungi #clavulinaamethystina #clavulina #coralfungus

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amethystina · 3 months

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I catch myself thinking about Who holds the devil when my mental stability is falling apart. Your story helps me to stay afloat.

Thank you

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling and, if I could, I would definitely give you a big hug. But, since that's not possible, I'm glad that I can still offer some comfort through my fic.

I've said it before, but knowing that my writing can give people hope, stability, or even just a distraction is the reason why I post. I will always write, but I choose to post it online because, just maybe, it can brighten someone's day.

And so please remember that. Even if I might not be able to update as often as I used to (due to my own health problems) I will always keep posting as long as there are people like you. As long as people enjoy what I do, I'll continue to share it.

I do it for you 💜

And while I don't have any snippets and such that I can share to maybe help you along, here's a simple sketch I just finished of Yo Han, on the subject of "You want to fuck that old man so bad it makes you look stupid."

As I said to my friends:

Benefits of drawing: If I want to know what Yo Han looks like in the black Henley outfit I gave him in Who Holds the Devil, I can draw it

Downsides of drawing: I now know what Yo Han looks like in that black Henley outfit

... and now you all do too. You're welcome.

So yeah. Hang in there, darling, and do whatever you have to do to get through the day. I'm so glad that my writing helps. And even if I don't know you — and even if it may sound cheesy — please remember that I care about you. And, if I could, I would take all the pain away.

Take care 💜

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amethystina · 5 months

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Hey <3

There's a personal question that I want to ask you, but I completely understand if you don't want to answer it!

What county are you from? I saw in one of your posts that English is not your first language, so I got curious.

(I'm brazilian, and until now I haven't met people that like The Devil Judge that are not from the US or Korea)

Hi! I'm from Sweden :D

Which was something I didn't tell people at the start of my fanfic career because I was afraid that they would judge my writing more harshly if they knew. Which, sadly, turned out to be true. As soon as people found out about it, I got messages telling me that "oh, that explains why your grammar is so bad. I wondered why a native speaker would write that poorly" or "oh, so that's why you misspell things so often?"

The latter was honestly the most annoying because, more often than not, it was typos, not me misunderstanding the language xD

Funnily enough, I'm now on the opposite end of the spectrum. People seem genuinely surprised when I tell them that English isn't my first language. But I think it still shows in some of my grammatical choices and my lack of understanding of some slang (I've never even visited a country where English is the majority language x'D )

Anyway! Trust me when I say that there are a lot of people who love The Devil Judge from other countries! Or at least I assume that based on the comments I get, which are sometimes in other languages (Google Translate is my friend xD)

Which I LOVE, by the way. I honestly don't care what language the comments I get are in, I'm just happy that my writing moved people enough that they want to comment. I consider that a huge compliment, especially the times I've been told that the person is just so excited they can't translate their thoughts into English. That's such a wonderful thing to hear 💜

So to all of you out there who have another first language than English: don't ever feel guilty for writing comments in your native language and never feel the need to apologise for your "bad" English. It's not bad. You're doing great 💜

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #I really did keep my nationality a secret for YEARS #And also kept it a secret that Lienwyn and Amethystina were the same person #Because I didn't want people to judge my writing based on my drawings #Or vice versa #Because a lot of people are very judgy on the internet #Fortunately I'm older now and give fewer shits about what people say xD

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amethystina · 6 months

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I was tagged by @a-very-fond-farewell! Thank you so much darling 💜

1. Last song: Shishen Take On the Challenge from The Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity soundtrack (which I paid a small fortune to get my hands on so you bet I've been listening to it almost non-stop ever since. The music is SO FUCKING GOOD OKAY)

2. Favorite color: Purple — which I feel should come as a surprise to no one xD

3. Currently watching: The Killing Vote, because I apparently need more dramas where the Korean public is allowed to vote on whether or not to execute people. Quite enjoying it so far! The characters are a hoot xD And I'm curious to see what they do with the Kwon Seok Joo dude.

I also just started The Guest because I want to watch it before they remove it from Netflix but BOI. That's not one I'll be able to binge, that's for sure. Horror is great but also, well, terrifying x'D

Though, I must say, I might have to take a detour and rewatch the Along With the Gods movies. I've been meaning to do so for ages and seeing Kim Dong Wook in The Guest makes the urge even stronger. Because, let me tell you, I'm SO EAGER to rewatch the movies and observe the characters now that I've seen the twist at the end of the second movie. A twist I figured out before I actually reached the reveal, sure, but I don't think that's a bad thing? Like, for real, guys. The AUDIBLE GASP I let out when I realised what the twist was going to be and then got to sit there and see it slowly dawn on the other characters? BEAUTIFUL. And it CHANGES SO MUCH. Like, I need to rewatch them because so much of what I thought I knew is now a lie! Circumstances have changed! My initial analysis might be wrong! Characters I thought I knew are now completely different! I need to do more research! I NEED TO KNOW.

(This is what happens when your brain works like mine. And one day I might tell you all about why Kang Yo Han is such a fascinating character to me, because, let me tell you, I've rarely seen a character remain so solid in his characterisation even through the kind of reveals we're given in the drama. It's fucking SPECTACULAR)

4. Currently reading: Faust by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (I do it in bursts because it's not the kind of book I can just binge, okay? x'D), We Have Always Lived In the Castle by Shirley Jackson (I would have finished this LONG ago if it didn't give me so much anxiety (but in a good way?)) and Eld by Mats Strandberg and Sara Bergman Elfgren (though I should probably start over on this one since I was very distracted when I read the first chapter)

5. Last movie: No Regret, because why not dabble in older Korean LGBTQ+ content? It was a ride, that's for sure xD And the next movie will be The World to Come (also one I want to watch before it's removed from Netflix)

6. Sweet/spicy/savory: Either sweet or savoury — it depends on my mood, really.

7. Relationship status: Married! :D

8. Current obsession: I'm not sure if I have one right now? Though I am hoping to get back on track with that diorama thing soon. I've almost collected all the materials I need! I just need fake foliage (preferably red) and I'm going to try and buy that either tomorrow or on Saturday.

9. Last thing you googled? Why my phone kept taking only green photos. And everyone kept telling me I shouldn't have unlocked the bootloader (which I don't think can be done by accident and I sure as hell haven't done it intentionally) so in the end I just restarted it and now it works just fine xD

10. Selfie: I don't really take selfies but here's a cropped version of a drawing WIP of mine.

If you know, you know ;)

(... LOOK, the suspender-pulling had to happen eventually, okay?)

11. Currently working on: Chapter 5 of A New Dawn (Begins With Us) and, after that, it'll be either chapter 37 of Who Holds the Devil or maybe the sequel to Gravitational Pull which I'm STILL struggling to find the time to work on. I'm also working on, like, six different drawings simultaneously. Because why make things easy for myself?

Tagging: Whoever wants to do it! Tell me about yourself! :D

#Amethystina Does Tag Games #I feel very all over the place right now x'D #And I have read so few books this year :/#That's such a bummer #I should look into that #I kind of miss reading a shitload of silly romance #And I also want to draw a lot #But then there's writing too #So many hobbies #So little time

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amethystina · 2 months

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Hi, I hope you're doing better! I was wondering what your take would be on Yohan's reaction to Ga On if he slipped into a coma after a serious attack or something. Because obviously there would be some abyss shenanigans, but do you think he'd be split into wanting to hover and protect Ga On while he's asleep or just getting revenge? Which do you think he'd prioritise and what do you think he'd be thinking?

I also just wanted to let you know that I find your work amazing, especially Who Holds the Devil and The Gentle Light. You mention how you're worried about letting us down with it, but I think you forget how much you've already given. It's not that we're expecting something and that you could disappoint us, but it is what you do that makes us love it more. The way you think and write are incredible, as is your perspective on the characters and their interactions. Thank you so much for all your hard work and effort!

Oooooh! That's a really interesting question! I think my answer, at least when it comes to the finer nuances, would depend on a) when this happens (i.e. during or post canon), b) if they know who might be behind it (because during canon it would be easy to assume it's Jung Sun Ah or the like) and c) what their relationship is at the time (i.e. are they still just coworkers or are they in a romantic relationship).

But, in broad strokes, I think Yo Han would prioritise getting revenge. Not because he doesn't feel a need to hover — he definitely would — but because he's a pragmatic, efficient, and goal-oriented person down to his core. Meaning that as soon as it's established that Ga On is in a coma and that there's nothing Yo Han can do to help him, Yo Han will admit that his time is best spent elsewhere.

After making sure that Ga On has the best care money can buy and bodyguards to protect him, of course.

The thing about Yo Han is that he can look past his own emotions and focus on what needs to be done in a way — and on a level — that few are capable of. Which at times makes him look rather unsympathetic, sure, but is honestly one of the ways he shows concern. Like, to him, just sitting there waiting for Ga On to wake up would probably feel like an insult to Ga On and Yo Han's devotion to him. Yo Han's instincts would tell him to DO something about it instead but, since he's not a doctor, his presence in Ga On's hospital room makes no difference whatsoever. Which means he'd decide it's better for him to focus on trying to catch and punish those who hurt Ga On.

That's not to say that he also won't spend as much time as possible hovering — especially if they're in a romantic relationship. This also depends a little on where Elijah is, but I wouldn't put it past Yo Han to — after a long day of chasing the culprit — make a habit of sleeping in Ga On's hospital room instead of going back to the house. Because Yo Han HAS to sleep eventually and so he might as well do it where he has Ga On close by.

What little time he doesn't spend chasing leads and making plans, he'd spend with Ga On.

And yes, this definitely means Yo Han wouldn't really be taking all that good care of himself, neither physically nor mentally. Like, if this is post-canon and he and Ga On are in some kind of relationship? Just IMAGINE how lost Yo Han would feel. It's clear, even in the drama, that Ga On's presence reminds Yo Han to be kinder and gentler, not just to those around him but also himself. Ga On often mentions how much Yo Han grounds him in Who Holds the Devil, but he doesn't seem to realise that it's the same for Yo Han. The only difference is the way they need to be grounded and what behaviour that grounding is preventing.

And a post-canon, lovestruck Yo Han who suddenly finds himself without Ga On's gentleness and kindness to soothe and calm him?

Yeah, that won't go well.

Not in a way that Yo Han would necessarily care about, though. Or, maybe more accurately, he'd decide it's worth the sacrifice to find whoever hurt Ga On. Even if he, deep down, would know that, no, Ga On would NOT agree with that. Ga On wouldn't want him to put himself or his humanity at risk. But that's not the same as actually having Ga On there to tell him to stop.

Like, to be honest with you, I think Yo Han might even end up being extra reckless and violent because some part of him hopes that means Ga On will come back to him sooner. As if he can force Ga On to wake up simply by doing the thing he knows Ga On hates. Maybe he's even punishing Ga On a little?

"Look at what you made me do, Ga On-ah, when you're not here to stop me."

"If you don't wake up soon, I'll do something even worse."

"This is what happens when you leave me."

Which isn't reasonable (or healthy) by any means — especially for such a calm and collected person as Yo Han — but he's also a frightened, abused child who never got to develop his emotions and social skills in a good way.

He's never been in love before.

He'd be so scared.

And desperation makes us unreasonable, especially when we're afraid we might lose someone we love. He'd grasp for whatever stability he can, especially since his usual anchor isn't there anymore. He'd look fine on the outside but, on the inside, he'd be a mess. There would be fear and pain and anger and helplessness and sorrow and hope and longing. And he wouldn't really know how to deal with all of that since, at that point, he's probably gotten used to processing most of his feelings with Ga On's — knowing and unknowing — help.

Yo Han, like many children with his history, is very adept at regulating his own emotions, mainly because he had to as a survival tactic. He probably learned from a young age which ones he was allowed to show and all the other ones were suppressed until he was out of his father's reach. He's also good at reading a room since that, too, is necessary for survival in a violent household. Granted that Yo Han now mostly uses those skills to manipulate and intimidate people, but he is well aware of emotions, how to curb them, how to influence them, and how to use them to his advantage.

What he doesn't know is how to process them in a normal and healthy way. But, in the drama, we see him begin to test the waters when it comes to using Ga On as a sounding board. He says things, sees how Ga On reacts, and gets clues on how a more well-adjusted person would process that information. And I think that's something Yo Han would continue doing, bouncing his emotions off of Ga On to see what's actually a reasonable reaction.

But, more importantly, to get validation. To see, with his own eyes, that his fear, hurt, anger, pain etc. is valid. Ga On feels it too, just from hearing of Yo Han's trauma so, clearly, it mustn't be wrong for Yo Han to feel that, too. It doesn't make him weak. He's allowed to feel that way.

I think that Ga On would become Yo Han's emotional lodestar. Which I wouldn't call healthy, exactly, but what about their relationship is? x'D

ANYWAY. The delicious consequence of this is, of course, that Yo Han is left directionless and adrift, with no way to properly handle all the very intense emotions he's feeling. And that probably means that when Ga On finally wakes up again (be it weeks or months later) Yo Han will be in such a state that the moment Ga On hugs him, he'll break.

Or, well, as close to breaking as you can get when you're Kang Yo Han.

All the emotions will come rushing to the surface since his brain just recognised that the person who usually helps him deal with all of that is back and so now it's safe to let it out, right?

Yo Han vehemently disagrees, I'm sure, because he's got a reputation to uphold! And he can't just suddenly break down in his sugar baby's arms! Especially since said sugar baby just woke from a coma and is still weak! This is so inconvenient!

Unfortunately, he doesn't have much of a choice.

Sucks to be you, Yo Han.

But at least he has Ga On there to hold him, kiss him, and make it better?

SO YEAH. Something like that, I guess? I think Yo Han would be HELLA worried but is also too goal-oriented not to choose to focus on revenge. He'd probably become incredibly restless if he didn't.

Thank you so much for your kind words 💜 To be honest with you, I often forget what I've already written. Not literally (I remember it with surprising accuracy a lot of the time) but it's sometimes difficult to remember that I've already written 400k when I always have to focus on posting the next chapter and then the next chapter and then the next chapter. I rarely get the time to sit down and just revel in what I've already written? Especially since I want the story to continue just as much as the rest of you.

And while the majority of the comments are absolutely lovely, I do sometimes get ones demanding new chapters or ones questioning the choices I make in the story (especially the length). They're definitely in a minority so far, but that doesn't stop the fear that, sooner or later, they'll become the majority.

And, more than anything, I fear the moment when I'll write a bad chapter. I don't even know what would constitute a bad chapter or what I would have to do for it to become one, but I'm still afraid of it.

Which probably isn't reasonable, but since when are our anxiety brains reasonable?

So I try my best not to think about it, and receiving such kind messages as yours definitely helps. Thank you 💜 I'm so very glad to hear that you like my works, especially my takes on the characters since that is (perhaps not so surprisingly) something I put a lot of effort into and take a lot of pride in, too. I LOVE these characters and want to do them justice by writing them as best I can, even if that means the fic ends up being the behemoth it now is because they cannot move faster than a glacier x'D

So yeah. Thank you so, so much. Both for the fun question and the encouragement. It means a lot to me :)

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amethystina · 8 months

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Oh gosh, sorry to hear you’ve been getting lots of critiques recently. Even when it’s valid and solicited criticism can be rough, and the out of the blue stuff is always worse :/ And I say that as someone who works in the arts for a living.

I wish I had something better to say than that every artist you admire has likely felt the same way at one point or another, as even the best of the best of the best get complaints, but I don’t, so know at least that you’re in good company. (In theatre we actually have a saying that the day you can truly call yourself a professional is the day you get your first really bad review, so I always take comfort in the universality of the experience, even if it super fucking sucks lol)

I know I could also tell you that your writing is phenomenal and for every person who has a complaint there’s a bunch more who are having the BEST time (myself included xD), but I also know that doesn’t fix it when someone’s made you doubt yourself. For the record though, I will say it. Your writing IS phenomenal, and it DOES bring both me and others quite a lot of joy. I get very excited every time I see you’ve updated (either fic that I’m reading xD), and I find it genuinely a bonus that this particular story is so long. Because it means that the experience of reading it for the first time doesn’t have to be over yet.

I’m VERY much rambling now, but try and be kind to yourself is I guess at the heart of what I’m saying. Take care of yourself, take your time, and come back to things when you’re ready. You’re allowed to feel hurt, or doubtful, or whatever, and if time is what you need to take care of yourself, then you should take it <3.

To be honest, I would be genuinely surprised if I was somehow able to avoid getting criticism. It's just a natural part of posting online, it would seem, no matter one's skill level or the fandom.

And, usually, I can handle it pretty well. It just so happens that everything piled up on the same day and that got a little overwhelming. It honestly felt a bit like the universe was ganging up on me for no apparent reason xD

Thank you so much for your kind words, though 💜 It's true that there are no immediate fixes to the kind of doubts that arise from unsolicited criticism, but it certainly helps to know that there are people who enjoy what I do. Because, in the long run, it's not about writing the most perfect, flawless fic, but rather sharing the joy and excitement I feel over the stories that I write. So thank you so much for taking the time to tell me 💜

And yeah, I'm doing my best to rest right now, partly because I did end up getting sick. So I've mostly been drawing highly questionable Strangers From Hell fanart and, earlier today, I hyper-fixated for hours and randomly did a playlist for Who Holds the Devil. Which is VERY unexpected since I don't really connect music to my writing?

I blame @sofapup17 who made a wonderful playlist for my Strangers From Hell fanfic, which I've been looping while drawing the aforementioned fanart xD (and I also stole three songs from it to my own playlist ;D ) And that of course made me wonder if I could do one, too. Turns out that I can! It's hella long but, uh, that's both on-brand and appropriate considering the fanfic, I guess? I honestly didn't expect to find as much music as I did.

So yeah. While I'm not writing on Who Holds the Devil right now, I'm keeping busy with other creative projects. There never seems to be a shortage of those, somehow x'D

Thank you again for your kind words. The fact that so many people are willing to take time out of their day to cheer me up is so incredibly humbling. Thank you 💜

#Amethystina Replies #wolfandrain #I'm honestly a bit all over the place #I should be editing the next chapter of my Strangers From Hell fic #But it contains a sex scene #And they are the bane of my existence #Editing is a chore in itself #But editing sex scenes is the literal worst x'D #So I'm procrastinating #By drawing and making pointless playlists instead #So yeah #That's where I'm at right now

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