#But do so at your own risk

[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

#Amethystina and Life #I don't really know what to tag this as #A rant? #A rambling? #An explanation? #It's just a lot I guess #And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not #I don't like talking about things like this #Or draw attention to it might be a better way to put it #But yeah #It's here if you want to read it #But do so at your own risk #Now I'm going to bed #And might just pretend I never wrote this because I feel awkward and embarrassed x'D

[myuzucompendium]

Another on the bad mom end got it. Also last bullying for this one imsorryfordraggingherin

"I will find you, you silly goose, and you will regret it. That is a promise, not a threat."

#Anonymous #Life and Death (Kotone Shiomi Musing) #The Energetic Wildcard (Kotone Shiomi IC) #What’s up? (Inbox Ask) #Nothing in Life Matters! :) (Shitpost) #bully her idc lmao #but do so at your own risk

[sapsolace]

obsessed w these boneheads as of late :]

#griddlehark #tlt #the locked tomb #gideon nav #harrowhark nonagesimus #gtn #when u and the situationship livin it up in a haunted palace... FO FREE!!!!! #i wanted 2 do a background 4 this but college and work have been kicking my ASS so #figured i should just post it and move on i got other sketches and wips #anyways hello tlt fans do not expect me 2 draw anything the same twice. love u <3 #in this kitchen we fuck it And we ball. no artistic sameness and we like it that way. i also serve food once a month #stay at your own risk #i've been going insane over tlt by myself on my side acc and the longer i have no one 2 talk abt nona grief with #the more art i will pop out. but also pls i need 2 talk abt this shit w someone i'm coughing and dying out here

[lanternmice]

fuck it. moodboard for when you're fucking lgbt

#whatever #profiting off of creams success #one million gifs lagging my computer. read more at your own risk #i wasn't going to do it but cream told me to do the damn bigender flag and i couldn't say no so now we're here

[uncanny-tranny]

Social transition being seen (by some) as this super easy thing that isn't as hard as real transitioning (medical) is bullshit. Be critical of the idea that there are some trans people who just "have it easy" because they are trans or because they are trans in ways you may not be.

Social transition is just as difficult, hard, and rewarding as medical transition. Maybe it is not as hard for some, sure, but that is not the same as thinking that social transition is inherently easier or lesser. If you're socially transitioning, your voice still matters.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #not to mention that so many people DO want to medically transition but *can't* #so it can be even harder for some when they feel social transition is their only option when they don't want it to be #but social transition carries its own risks and challenges and again rewards #and i've seen this idea plenty where it's like 'oh you don't GET my struggles because you're SOCIALLY transitioning' #and while yes i am different than some trans people to say i'm struggling *more* if i'm the only one medically transitioning is??? huh???? #i don't buy into this idea that social transition is never scary because you don't have the boot of the medical system on your back #(though non-med or pre-med transitioning people still face issues in medical settings so even THEN we aren't seperate) #like there's very few ways you can separate my issues as a medically-transitioning person and the issues of somebody who isn't... #...and by that i mean there's few ways you can separate our issues so that mine trumps theirs or that i'm seen as like... trans but More #does that make sense? #medical transitioning is important but that doesn't mean it is *more* important or that only *it* is important #you can support us who are medically transitioning without erasing the experiences and struggles of other trans people #and plus... so many of us who are medically transitioning NOW are the people who socially transitioned THEN #and dare i say i despised social transition more because of how hard it was? medical transition has been (more or less) easier... #...in that i can just *be* now

[shadowtraveled]

“will you do it? will you do it? i will help you.” this is it for me

#for essek to say this right after refusing to turn back time to undo his own treason. shadowgast makes me so insane you do not understand #‘i think this is a bad idea. too many things could go wrong and i’m unwilling to risk trading my guilt for something that could rival the #calamity. if you want to though. we can do it together. and we’ll make sure it works.’ #what if i fucking died. what if that killed me #essek thelyss your lines in this episode will live inside me forever #what a problem #critical role #essek thelyss

[anneapocalypse]

Tired of the false dichotomy between "you should create for yourself without desiring any form of connection" and "feedback is everything and without it there's no reason to create." Neither of these things are wholly true, and it's frustrating to me that people have taken "create for yourself" to mean "you shouldn't want feedback or enjoy it, you should create in a vacuum with no hope of human connection" and are lashing back against what they think it's saying rather than what it's actually saying. I love comments and feedback and connecting with my readers as much as anyone and would never discount the value of that experience and I try to be the kind of engaged reader I would want to have because I know how much it means. I especially know how much it means to a niche creator because I've been that creator myself and I so treasure the readers who took a chance, gave my stuff a try, and stopped to say something supportive about it.

But that's also exactly the thing: the things I want to write are often things that do not in any way guarantee me an audience, but they're what I enjoy, and creating for myself is what gets me through those long first drafts where I know there is no guarantee of an audience because the reality is I'm choosing to write this thing and nobody owes me a readership. Internal motivation matters because there are parts of the creative process where internal motivation is all you have. I've seen people give up or nearly give up on projects that probably would have found an audience, if a niche one, because they convinced themselves that nobody would care and then couldn't motivate themselves to care. Or they decided that a small audience wasn't good enough; they need their work to be Popular or it was worth nothing.

And if someone doesn't want to invest themselves in creating something that might have a small audience, well, that's their choice. But creativity is inherently an act of risk, and a lot of amazing art would never be made if the creator wasn't willing to risk silence, rejection, loneliness. Yeah, those things suck. I'm not saying they don't, that's why it's a risk. But art isn't always about safety. Sometimes it's about creating because you simply have to get this thing out of your head, and you hope someone will connect with it, but you don't know until you try. So everything can't be external motivation. It just can't be. It's too limiting, it's too stifling. I can't live that way, personally.

#writing stuff #it's tough to talk about self motivation #because people will hear 'create for yourself' and be like 'so you want me to die?' #listen if it works for you it's not my place to tell you otherwise #but it usually comes up because people are unmotivated and unhappy #so. #idk do what works for you at the end of the day #but i just want people to understand #self-motivation isn't about rejecting connection #it's just about being willing to trust in your own mind and enjoy the process and take risks #and if you say 'well i don't enjoy the process' then that might be something else to reflect on

[nobleriver]

DOCTOR WHO | The Waters of Mars

#doctor who #dwedit #adelaide brook #tenth doctor #tvedit #timelordgifs #rtdedit #userbbelcher #scifigifs #tvarchive #fyeahtv #dailydw #tenedit #david tennant #my memory did not do this scene justice; THE ACTING #the contempt dripping off his face; the disgust on hers; absolutely amazing scene #also i'm abt to start tag rambling so you've been warned; proceed at your own risk #reminds me of when river called him a psychopath and warned him not to travel alone #and there's a small parallel between this scene and the library; when 10 brings river “back to life” he says “Oh I'm very good” #he echoes himself here: “Oh I'm good” #and the reason that parallel sticks out to me is bc both are times the doctor has managed to cheat death; and he's praising his own power #here he is playing god; forcing people to stay alive; not caring or asking if it makes them miserable #he's not good; he's cruel; adelaide chose to die and protect the future #river chose to sacrifice herself; clara chose to face the raven; ashildr chose to die for her village #donna chose to keep her memories #and the doctor forced them to stay alive so he wouldn't have to feel pain #honestly 10 and 12 have some strong parallels and some of them are blatant like 12 remembering 10 right before he resurrects ashildr #and 12 also quoted 10 in that scene saying “I can do anything” #which is what 10 said when he tried to bring astrid back from the dead in Voyage of the Damned #no wonder river didn't trust 12 to be left alone; and ordered nardole to follow him after he left darillium

[crumb]

JUST BEFORE I GO 2014 | dir. Courteney Cox

#again don't let this fool you this movie is pretty bad lol watch at your own risk #kyle's performance is one of the only things keeping this film afloat #and even then there's only so much it can do when the rest of the film is... what it is #kyle gallner #just before i go #filmgifs #filmedit #dailyflicks #cinemapix #filmtvdaily #filmtvsource #filmtvcentral #dailyfilmsource #userlosthaven #fyeahmovies #userfilm #crumbedit

[gildedmuse]

Listen.... Trafalgar Law is like Opposite Pick Me Girl.

Evidence:

He stole Doffy's whole look down to the shirtless sluttiness, feather coat and the earrings.

He COPIED DOFFY'S ACTIVATION METHOD. How "notice me, senpai!!" is THAT!?

Like Doflamingo, he acts as though your attempts at torturing him are absolutely precious.

Law straight up based his jolly roger on Doffy's. Like it's not even kinda subtle. (Not that Law does subtle. Which is weird for someone trying SO HARD to be dark, mysterious, and edge-y as Kikoku. )

Trafalgar spent years of his life travelling around the world, gaining notoriety and power, putting into place a series of intricate moving parts that all had to come together in just the right way all so Doflamingo would notice him and remember his face forever.

Law: Please, Young amaster-sama! Oh, please pick me!

Law: To kick your pathetic, subhuman ass.

[Thanks to @revlischarm who gave me this idea.]

#Law is a TERRIBLE pick me girl #it's never a good sign when they ask you to pick them and also your own coffin (assuming there are any recognizable remains) #Doffy-sama notice me! #I want you to look me in the eyes when I killed you #guys were were two weeks away from Law's obsession getting so bad he'd atatt wearing sunglasses at night #Thank goodness Zoro was there yo distract him aftwr Dressrosa #boy was floating in a empty void; no idea what to do with himself #“He was my future; I spent my whole life looking for him... wanting him.” #“bleeding out in my hands begging for mercy while I spit in his face and promised I'd show him the same mercy he showed Cora-san” #*everyone takes a solid three step back from Law* #*well everyone but Zoro and Robin. They're into this.* #one piece #trafalgar d. water law #trafalgar law #donquixote doflamingo #absolutely fabulous #evil never looked so good #though not so much evil as hell bent on revenge is pretty damn sexy too #all of this was for you Cora-san! #I did all this - risked my life and limbs - just to die in battle to honor your sacrifice and get you the revenge you deserve! #Oh #Oh Law baby #that's not what Cora wanted for you AT ALL #you sweet little revenge muffin

[moon-blanket]

A silly little Blurb about early Freelancer and Gavin :)

[Read on ao3]

Gavin was not made for mornings like this.

He was made for the darkness of night. Neon lights of dingy bars, hidden corners of alleyways, and messy, heated nights in pitch black bedrooms. Quick fixes to scratch the itches of mortals, easy supplements of emotion he needs to survive another night– always a means to an end.

Sure, the awkward morning-after was a custom he was more than familiar with. Sneaking out before his bedmate of the hour ever woke up had become a well-practiced art by now. Sometimes he even had the uncomfortable pleasure of seeing them off for the day, parting ways as he begins looking for another meal. Another way to get by.

It's never been anything like today.

The Freelancer sleeps peacefully at his side. It's their first true day off in what has felt like the eons they've had this routine together. With no work or classes to scramble off to today, they've given themself the gift of sleeping in.

It's a shame that he couldn't partake as well, but in this moment he can't find the means to care.

They've twisted themselves into a position that he thinks cannot possibly be comfortable. Half on their stomach, half on their back– facing him with the most serene expression he's ever had the pleasure of witnessing grace their face.

They're beautiful like this.

His eyes follow the outline of the parts of their body left exposed by the covers they've neglected in their sleep. The rise and fall of their back as they slowly breathe, the dark spots that bloom across their skin from their late night tryst, their hair wildly splayed against their pillow and draping delicately in their face.

Sunlight streams through the window, the morning light hits their frame so perfectly, the curves and angles of their body practically glowing in the warmth of the sun. He thinks he finally understands the meaning of true worship.

Gavin does not know much of human religion, not enough to know who to properly thank– but he will gladly give the proper kudos to every god, every sovereign in the stars, that guided him to his Freelancer.

His Freelancer...

There's a pang in his chest he's unfamiliar with when the thought passes through his mind. It's a little frightening.

He doesn't know how long he stays there and admires them. Eventually he watches as their body awakens, their eyes open to reveal the prettiest color he's ever seen.

When they gain their bearings, recognizing his form as he lays beside them, they flash a sleepy smile as another pang courses through his non-existent heart. One that he begins to welcome as they move to cuddle into him.

He's starting to believe that he could learn to love mornings as long as His Freelancer is beside him.

Thank you for reading. :3

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #moon writing #redacted gavin #redacted freelancer #redacted fanfic #I'M SO AFRAID TO POST THIS. BUT I'LL DO IT SCARED. #Just something i've had swimming in my head for a little bit now. Cringe is dead and I killed it. #Is this ooc ??? maybe. #I haven't written seriously in eons. read at your own risk. #do you like my divider. credit to cafekitsune !! :)

[fjordfolk]

here's a pet peeve of mine: editing gear and leashes out of a dog portrait etc or w/e is great and valid and all but i also think showing dogs with appropriate equipment is i-would-go-as-far-as-to-say important. especially re: blog/instagram/slice of life style content. imo it endorses responsible ownership.

i think maybe especially now that more people (in norway at least) are getting dogs or getting into dogs without prior experience. normalizing and showing properly and responsibly managed dogs living enriched, fulfilling lives etc etc. stop skewing the perception of how normal/common it is for dogs to be safely/appropriately off leash in open access areas.

#stop editing gear out of your hiking pics especially (kissy face) #like i dont think anyones consciously going to go 'oh they do it so i can too' #but when over half the dogs you see on SoMe are offleash/gearless it gives a p skewed idea of what #it means to properly and safely own and manage a dog without posing a risk to people pets or wildlife #Even When you are outside of leash season in places with good overview and a well trained dog there should be a backup to your backup #if only to signal to other people that you *are* in control and managing your dog #also whats the point of owning a brand name harness if youre not shoving it in ppls faces like COMEON

[frikatilhi]

When Jere finally figures out that "I am in love with you" conveys what he has been trying to say every time he tells Bojan "I love you" it's all over. English is stupid language. "Oon rakastunut sinuun" and "rakastan sua" means the same, why can't English do that too?

Bojan just falls deeper in love with his silly man and realises what a fool he has been.

not!fic ramble goes under readmore

On the other hand, it's really convenient that in English you can throw around 'I love you' to anyone you met two seconds ago - it's both plausible deniability and a means to let ALL the people around him know how much they mean to him.

But then when he actually wants to pack that extra punch that 'rakastan sua' does it gets really frustrating fast that Bojan just doesn't get it

So when 'I'm in love with you' enters his vocabulary it truly is all over. Next time he sees Bojan it's a double rugby tackle of, well, an actual rugby tackle plus that newfound, excellent phrase thrown at him with no preamble or warning whatsoever, BAM

#ask #bojere #not!fic #I was asked to do this so here goes: #disclaimer: sad bojere bitches will be needing a meeting so enter at your own risk

[beetlevsboy]

I want to preface this post by saying that I love the cat king as a character, especially one that has such a major impact on Edwin and his relationship with his queerness and learning to be okay with it; HOWEVER, I also believe that everyone that genuinely believes he should be a love interest for Edwin should read this. (Also if you just like the cat king as a character and want to understand his character better and why his and Edwin’s relationship is not something that would be healthy or “real” for either)

#dead boy detectives #edwin payne #the cat king #i do not ship them but I don’t want to hate on those who do (mostly) I just want to kind of inform people of the creators meaning for their #Relationship because I keep seeing people saying they hope they get together in s2 and it’s really confusing to me #Their relationship stems from the cat kings own narcissism and predatory behavior and Edwin’s need for someone to push him into under #Standing that his queerness doesn’t have to be torture and can be something giddy #even if he doesn’t return those feelings #The cat king does like Edwin but he doesn’t know anything about him. He likes the game and then he likes the kindness he’s shown despite #Knowing the cruelty he’s presented to Edwin #Queerness and preformance always go hand in hand #He’s a older secretly insecure character #Edwin is the younger #genuinely kind character that shows him that projecting his hurt will never get him what he wants #It’s about the isolation of queerness and the walls put up and the coping mechanism used to protect yourself even at the risk of hurting #Those just like you. That kiss from edwin was to say “I’m sorry your loneliness had caused you to be cruel. It’s the easiest way to feel. #And while I cannot and will not give you what you want or need #you deserve to feel happy and not like you have to gain the attention of uninterested people #I can’t even explain all my thoughts about their dynamic it’s just so much it’s just about the predadation from older queers because of #The trauma they’ve endured and the cycle of hurt and the way we can break the cycle with kindness while also protecting our youths by #Healing those traumas #Something the cat king learns and accepts #Off topic but I don’t like people defending their age gap because #Yes; Edwin is 86 #but he died with a teenage boy brain and then spent 70 of those years in hell where he certainly was not getting his brain developed while #The cat king has possibly hundreds of years of sentience and experience. The power imbalance is not if y’all. And that part of their dynami #Is actually very clear I think but some people didn’t catch it?? Or didn’t care??? Idk man

[zeb-z]

At a surface level, Gillion always putting himself between danger and his friends just makes sense, because he’s noble like that, isn’t he? Gillion Tidestrider, Champion of the Undersea, Hero of the Deep, Riptide Pirate - he can tank a hit, or two, or three, and swing back just as hard. He’s protective, and he’s sturdy, and he’s stubborn. Then just a little deeper, Gillion would without question sacrifice himself for the greater good. For a friend in need, for a good hearted citizen, for the net positive - he’s noble, with a heart of gold, who’s courage knows no bounds, right? And then just a little deeper, Gillion would actively harm himself just to make someone feel better. Just to take the edge off of someone else’s misery. He’d take their own pain, or even unnecessary pain, so they might have some sort of relief. Even if it isn’t guaranteed, he’s so ready, so eager, to jump at the chance.

Gillion Tidestrider is someone born to meet impossible standards, constantly told he’s not good enough, taught that his suffering is necessary and through this his people will survive. He’s all these things, kind and courageous and chivalrous, with a heart that beats to help others in need - but he’s also self sacrificial. Dangerously so. He takes personal risks without second thought, he pushes his limits for even the little things, he helps to the point of his own detriment. He will bleed himself dry on the off chance it might help a good soul who needs it. He will do worse for his loved ones. And it isn’t just from the all encompassing need to help at any cost, but also this feeling deep down inside that he deserves it. It’s his destiny to save people, no matter the personal cost.

It’s pushed to the extreme with Felipe after the Feywilds. Gillion, still off center, freshly traumatized from his time in that god forsaken orb, still awaiting the verdict on if he’s guilty in the eyes of the council while fully convinced he is, finds out it’s technically his fault his new friend is filled with insatiable bloodlust and wants to stab him to death. Of course he encourages the stabbing. Of course he’ll mind control to keep the peace. And when all is said and done, and it hurts and it doesn’t help, he still wonders about pushing it further - fully behind this idea of him dying and being brought back, even if it’s not sure to work. Even if it’s not sure to bring him back.

And I just keep thinking, that for all the healing Gillion does - all those sick people from Joaldo, Chip and Jay countless times in their battles, members of the crew, various people hurting and in need of aid - he’s never once used lay on hands on himself. It’s a pattern, made noticeable in Edison Kingdom, where he heals Alphonse for half of a joke instead of his own 1 hp - which subsequently downs him on the way down - and it’s continues to the end of the Feywilds, where Jay and even Felipe heal the stab wounds he bleeds out from. He’s a healer with the power just at his fingertips, so easily within reach, and he doesn’t heal himself.

So it does beg the question - when will the line between ‘selfless’ and ‘self sacrificing’ be drawn?

#I hope the line will be drawn swiftly and sternly now that jay and chip are truly catching on #I just. I noticed the healing thing in Edison kingdom and haven’t been able to let go of it since. he’d sooner risk death than heal himself #and now (now as in ep 84 where I’m at in the campaign) this self sacrificial behavior is exacerbated by the retraumatizing council shit #made much more obvious by the training sequences with both caspian and chip respectively. he’s bleeding himself dry to try and help everyon #to protect everyone. but he can’t. and then there’s the guilt part of it because yeah. is this a choice made out of friendship or a guilty #sense of obligation? #and like. his whole thing that’s like ‘no I don’t want to die but I’m not afraid and I will do what I must’ it’s just. it’s so concerning #so ridiculously concerning and it’s like with his upbringing of course he thinks like this. freshly traumatized of course it’s worsened #but god #I just. he still hasn’t healed himself as far as I can remember. and that’s all I can think about #seize your destiny gillion tidestrider. shape it to be your own. and for the love of god treat yourself kindly along the way #jrwi riptide 84 #jrwi #jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #jrwi gillion #z speaks

[commander-chaoss]

If I become president I will legalize hunting paparazzi for sport

#the vibes of this post are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to be taken literally. do so at your own risk.