#DUDE I CANNOT STOP CRYING

[kat-scribbles]

Bro I am UGLY crying over this. I missed the stream, but hearing that Tallulah, Chayanne, AND Richas are all leaving made my heart fucking drop. Tallulah was one of my favorite characters coming into qsmp (when Juanaflippa died I desperately needed a new egg to obsess over and Tallulah popped in just in time) and I spent so many hours thinking and pondering over how much I adored her. And after a while and in the current months of this year i was leaning away from qsmp out of an interest for other things, but a Death Family stream always kept me company and happy. I loved hearing Chayanne and Tallulah's silly jokes and conversations and the lore was ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL I MUST SAY. And now that the admins have left this project I am greatly devastated.

Farewell to these beloved eggs, you were wonderful characters. And thank you to all the admins for the incredibly hard effort and many hours of work put into making these characters so loved ❤️❤️❤️

#DUDE I CANNOT STOP CRYING #THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART #I NEVER LOOKED INTO RICHAS MUCH BUT HE WAS SO SILLY TO ME #qsmp #qsmp eggs #qsmp tallulah #qsmp chayanne #UGGGHH IM FINE #THIS IS FINE

[royaltea000]

if I had a nickel for every time some blonde guy inexplicably got a child I’d have two nickels but it’s strange that it happened twice

#kotaro lives alone #digital art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital illustration #kotaro lives alone is about adults who didn’t get enough parental love when they were children doing their best to make sure this kid never #grows up feeling the same as them and through him they learn how to love and feel again and I cannot stop crying ;_; #kotaro lives alone fanart #sato kotaro #karino #what is this dudes full name again lol? #the other duo is mob and reigen btw lol #also the amount of criminally offensive side eyes they give each other is so funny

[quarks-pussy]

So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.

Julian Bashir.

From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.

This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."

This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.

Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.

Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.

#i've called julian jules before simply as a normal nickname but i don't think i ever will again. not after this #and knowing that if it had been possible i would have probably gone the way jules did. knowing that at his age i would have gone willingly. #fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke #fuck!!!!! #julian bashir #jules bashir #doctor bashir i presume #came back wrong #star trek deep space nine #HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD!! HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD AND THEY KILLED HIM!!!! #i cannot stop crying i am literally crying and like not even just a little #i cannot... poor julian how the FUCK do you ever come to terms with something like that #and like... julian remembers. he has most if not all of jules' memories and also knows he was murdered simply for not being julian #like how did he cope #(im about to go off on a tangent that will contain censored names for the sake of not clogging those tags if you dont know who i mean hmu) #like this is literally the thing that fucked up j*ran so bad he went on a murder spree isn't it #he remembers the one who came before who was killed. very different circumstances of course esp since tr*ll are expected to replace one ano #another but he remembers this person he remembers BEING this person who was young and simply enjoying life and who died a sudden death and #he remembers the experience of that death as well and how it lead to his own creation. it's not remotely similar ofc but considering that #the only time we see t*rias in alpha canon is in julian's body... i need to lie down for a moment. #and jor*n couldn't cope! he couldn't! it was far too much and the weird thing is right now in this moment i GET it y'know?? like that's #so horrific. and i haven't watched any jo*an episode besides facets yet but do you think. do you think j*dzia told julian about all this an #he nodded along and kept composure and then when he was alone he broke down crying? like julian you're doing SO well ily you're coping and #you shouldn't have to obviously but you do nonetheless!! do you think julian still has something from jules? like i've heard there's a tedd #but i mean jules prolly didn't keep a diary he was a six year old with an intellectual disability it's pretty unlikely he could write but #does julian have drawings made by jules? i'd like to think so but honestly his parents probably threw them out. like they also moved so #sorry i'm just. many thoughts head full. ive stopped crying now but who knows for how long. also i'll have to tag this with my original tag #maybe i should've picked something less silly for when i make serious posts but like what am i gonna change my url as well? don't think so #original posts fresh from quark's pussy #and thats the tag limit folks it's been fun. i had to delete two other tags but my god. anyway. thinking about jules bashir forever & cryin

[acesammy]

man how do you tell someone you literally do not have the emotional bandwidth to deal with their breakdown

#Like. Hey stop sending me emotionally manipulative texts I keep having panic attacks when I see them <3 #stop calling me 5 times in a row when it’s almost midnight and I have work tomorrow #like I /do/ care about you but I fuxking /cant/ with this #don’t text me shit like ‘I’m jealous that you can engage in your interests bc I don’t think I’ll ever be able to again’ #bro I am GRASPING at the small amounts of comfort drawing and spn are giving me rn what do you want me to DO #I know I shouldn’t ghost #but that’s what I’ve been doing and I just. #fuck me dude I’m trying to put my focus towards finding jobs to apply to. Towards actually making my hours at my #Current job #bc I have family memebers dying and I need to visit them and the family that is around #Ugh I’m just. Maybe this would’ve gone differently if I wasn’t on the fucking brink already #but I am and I can’t and I cannot be the person you’re obsessed with #Anyways I’m on my lunch break crying in a park and I just want to stop existing #lea speaks #can’t wait to go back and work until 7 bc that’s the only way I can think to make my hours to visit my brother next week #Vent

[running-in-the-dark]

and I'm having thoughts again

so I've been watching that John Larroquette interview that I reblogged on repeat for half an hour now and I'm just. man I am so very....... okay I'm trying not to say that I'm stupid anymore but god what else is there to say. it's making me feel like my brain just turns off and all there is is static and [insert very high frequency screaming sound].

like I would love to be able to have actual thoughts about this shit but I am not. I just love love love people who think about shit and face their issues and work on getting better. and talk about it. like it's just a thing that happened. because it is. it's not 'oh you did bad shit in your past so you're fucked forever now'. it's 'bad shit happened, I did bad things, I confronted it, I made different choices' and that's it. I just. man I'm feeling really emotional and am probably gonna have a good long cry about this now.

#one thought that I had when my brain stopped just loudly screaming at me was #oh I totally always think I wouldn't ever end up in a cult. because it's not something that would appeal to me and shit. I'm suspicious of #anything like that. one person claiming to know everything and all that #and it just hit me like. DUDE. you would absolutely 100% end up in a cult if the right guy was leading it #like if he had a cult that I could join right now? oh dude I'd be so in. kinda joking but also like. come on I am so fucking obsessive I #would absolutely fall for that #(and lets not even get into the whole thing of actually getting attention from the person I'd be obsessed with. oh it'd be bad. it'd fuck #me up. I'd be so easy to convince if we're being honest....) #but anyway I just. I don't know #honestly though? I just love studying one person at a time from afar like. hi I would immediately explode if I ever met this man I could not #handle it. but I can absolutely find out everything I can about him and study him like. something that normal people would study idk I'm #insane. #anyway man that was a weird tangent #true tho. #I don't want to make light of actual addictions like alcoholism. I'm not. addicted I guess. but I'm absolutely fucking obsessive about shit #and I absolutely know it cannot be healthy to keep doing this #like dude you have no life because all you do is watch other people live theirs. why am I studying this man's life like it matters. it's not #making anything better. knowing every damn thing he did in the 80s will not make up for the fact that I don't have. anything. #fuck now I'm really crying oh well this really took a weird turn #fuuuuck. #personal

[ghcstcd]

Having chronic illness and no weed be like, "it's not so bad, so why am I crying?"

#not actually crying at the moment #I got teary eyed earlier because it's so FRUSTRATING. getting up and being so sick every day I have little choice than to go BACK to bed #the vicious cycle of 'i have 10 USD in my bank. I am so sick. I cannot afford weed. but it helps me cope. but people look at you funny for #just trying to cope instead of ''fixing'' the problem #but dude the disease has no cure! and I do take medicine for it but it doesn't STOP IT! #I almost wrote 'the disease has no cute' #it's not cute enough! it needs help!/j #vent cw #it's so silly. all of it is. my dependence to cope and all

[madlichen]

i wish my autism beam was real and i could shoot people with it and also give them autism too so everyone could be autism because when everyones autism no one is

#syndromes not evil the bad guy is society and mental health is so much more than keeping the crazies off the streets #i wish i could change society and be a queer little mouseboy who likes science #but no cannot have nice things society will make you the villain for trying to change it why are the villains always smart in movies #because they recognize the pain and suffering in the world thats why they see it and they actually do something about it #but that makes them evil thats why theyre the villain because they want change and change is bad #the us government is actively stopping me from changing the world for the better one person one autism beam at a time #birds arent real theyre government drones beaming 5g mind control waves into our synapses and i sciencedude have a solution #global havannah syndrome must be stopped we must the villain murderous scum hiding out in bushes from eating our babies #just so long as we only protect the unborn babies and not the children because the dead are more important than the living #enslave the middle class to the monopolies bring about the oligarchy bleed out on our machines to raise efficiency and bring costs down #in this essay i will explain why the coming downfall of society has everything to do with how we treat others #thiS IS THE POLICE OPEN UP THERE HE IS GET HIM wait no you got the wrong guy NO THE FBI NEVER MAKES MISTAKES I AM THE LAW #breaking news a man by the name of science dude has been arrested for reasons not even the fbi is willing to share #NO PLEASE IM INNOCENT HELP ME #wow they must have done something really bad if the police are arresting them lets influence our audience to think theyre bad as well #breaking news someone got cancelled its a crying shame this cancel culture business tune in next time to the only source of truth on tv #i want to live i want to live i want to live i want to live i want to live i want to live i want to live i want to live i want to live i w- #liiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvveeeeeeeee #its a cold place and they say it gets colder #your bundled up now wait til you get older #but the media men beg to differ #judging by the hole in the satellite picture #the ice we skate is getting pretty thin #the waters getting warm so you might as well swim #my worlds on fire how bout yours #thats the way i like it and i never get bored #well the years start comin and they dont stop comin and they dont stop comin and they dont stop comin and they dont stop comin #im crawing in my skin these wounds they will not heal #janine janine youd like to know me well but there are things inside my head that even i cant face #these and other song when you tune in and enter to win 0% apr for the first twenty months no money down offer lasts until 10 years ago

[fingertipsmp3]

Being friends with me must be exhausting fr. Imagine waking up and seeing that your dumbest friend sent you a whole ass rant starting with “SOS” and the salient points are there’s a guy with swoopy hair at her work and she doesn’t know how to deal

#he’s so fine though i don’t know how i’m supposed to cope #i don’t know if it’s a good thing that he and i won’t be on the same shift for like another two weeks #on the one hand i don’t have to look at him so i might get some fucking work done; but on the other i am going to get resensitised #to his presence. like i really think if i was around him day in and day out i’d be able to stop internally freaking out about how pretty #he is and just DEAL. but if i don’t see him for two weeks i’m going to forget how pretty he is #so then on the 16th i’m just going to be found dead because i cannot process him and his stupid hair #he’s so like… god i can’t. i can’t! #i hate this for me lmao. i never wanted a work crush!! i applied there specifically because the average age of staff and volunteers #is approximately 50. the youngest employee is 19 and he stands out. i was like ‘i can just shoot the shit with the birdwatching dudes in the #break room and have a normal time’ but the universe was like ‘surprise bitch! here is a 25 year old who looks like he was custom built to be #your ideal man. and also he’s funny and kind’ #bro when i tell you i absconded from the nature walk so i wouldn’t have to see him being competent with binoculars #i found an esoteric viewing point and hid there for as long as i could get away with because i didn’t trust myself with proximity #what do i dooooo. do i cry. do i scream. do i throw up. do i deliberately schedule opposite shifts to him so our paths never cross #do i schedule the same shifts and hope he feels the same way about me and wants to make out in the stockroom. what do i DO. when will i win #personal

[hellfireeddiemunson]

I wish it was raining so I could lay in the street

#i feel like 🧍🏻 #also I literally cannot stop crying??? fuck dude #fuck the duffers I’m breaking out of their walls and I’m ripping their hair out and punching them in the head #st v2 spoilers #v2 spoilers #stv2 spoilers #stranger things 4 spoilers #st spoilers #st s4 spoilers #stranger things spoilers #st4 spoilers

[daegall]

day 413864913704285972481 of crying because haechan's golden skin is so fucking pretty URGH

#tan >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. #man he #hes jsut #URGHAIUFHDYGHDIFKHWEIQF #legit crying dude hes so fucking pretty i cannot comprehend #i also cannot express how much i love the tan skin like bro!!!!!!!!!!!!! stop fuckign white washing him we want the golden skin content!!!! #hes just so :(((( #major brainrot #i have to mention haech's golden skin at least like idk thrice in each work i write BC ITS JUST!!!!!!! SO UNDERRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and his moles man oh my GODDD #he a whole package #this is bascially just a rant of how much i love about haech am sorrey #but i will NOT shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #hes got my standard so high man #and i dont!!!!!!!!! even fucking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i should though bc its like 10 times of what i am lol #but man #the next time i see someone comign just a little bit close to haechan i will be omw to sweep them off their feet #sunny thinks! :: about haechan </3 #haechan!

[mariska]

me at 1 am when i have to wake up at like 7:30-8 AM at the latest and partake in an autism assessment appointment when my brain almost never naturally wakes up before like 9:30-10 am and i have medical trauma and prior misdiagnosis triggers acting up in my head and i just got my period and i have endometriosis so im in agony and i start to feel a full blown depressive panic attack coming on even though i've already taken my anti panic medication and also i have adhd and cant get myself to turn on fortnite and play for like an hour to try and de-stress because of all of the above plus executive dysfunction

#dude like. im going to the appt if its the last thing i do i NEED this diagnosis to have any chance of independence in my #adult life ever. its not something i am going to avoid. but holy shit i do NOT have it in me. #i feel so defeated already because like. i am already shutting down in the middle of the night. #i know myself too well in this specific situation and i am not going to provide #a proper case for myself. i will forget all the 27 years worth of proof i have that i am undeniably autistic. #and i will be too in pain and exhausted and terrified to speak for 80% of the appt bcus i've done this before years ago with a different #person. and i tried so hard. and forces out of my control convinced that person that i was overdramatic and didnt know what i was talking #abt. and i cant go through that again. like it will completely break me permanently if im not The Perfect Model Autistic Example this time. #and i am just inherently Not That even on my best communication days. this has to be the last time i do this and im so #scared that i will not be given the diagnosis i need to literally help my life happen as an adult #like. UGH. UGHHHH i physically cannot stop crying im so freaked out and terrifieddddddddddddddddd. #idk how im gonna get through this. one of my moms will be there with me to help at least and #my therapist wrote a really great summary for the dr person presenting a brief history of #how she has seen/heard my autism as my therapist since i was 14. and both of that does make me feel a bit better #knowing i have support and im not alone. but like i truly dont know how im gonna survive this appointment if im already crying and jumping #to worst case scenarios hours and hours before im even there. i dont want to do this i wish i was irresponsible so i could just avoid it #but its too important and i cant do that. im so stressed out idk what to do my brain is like. melting. #....um! anyways.

[mosspapi]

I think on a base level I will be ok once I get over Covid, I'm already feeling a little better symptoms-wise aside from my heart and also being absolutely fucking exhausted, but if the way my immune system is acting rn is any indication of how things r gonna go, this is Not Good methinks.

#like don't get me wrong I am eternally grateful that it didn't go nearly as bad as I was prepared for it to go. didn't even need ER #which is great bcuz I needed it after just the vaccines so. I'm extremely glad I'm mostly ok #but I still feel absolutely AWFUL and I do not like the way my heart is acting. and my immune system is going absolutely off the rails #like. none of my meds feel like they're working. I cannot stop thinking abt cutting. I haven't felt even remotely hungry in a week. #I'm so dizzy I could fucking cry. it's all just getting worse and I do not like it. #like genuinely if I keep feeling this way I might not b able to finish the semester. #maybe im catastrophizing. hopefully i am. but idfk anymore dude. #armchair speaks

[dandylion-s]

The true period haver experience is cramps so bad that they give you a panic attack

#periods #menstruation #not a good day my dudes #the only thing stopping me from crying is that i literally cannot make the effort #like yeah there's tears but I'm not crying crying #I'm gonna die my guys

[theglizzardwizard]

please girl

#Lemmie is braver than any marine for continuing to enjoy her online friend circles #Dude someone got into some DEEP cuts about someone else's shitty childhood in my asks a few days ago #I cannot stop thinking about what an insane bonkers nuts violation of trust that is #Even if your friend was being kind of an asshole to you I think there's better ways to deal with it #Than outing their insanely personal trauma around CSA to a total stranger #Sorry I know that's a real 180 from my behavior earlier this week #But shrooms made me cry real grown man tears over this strangers childhood trauma so it's ok #I fucking hate feeling sympathy it's so corny

[girlswhoeatpeople]

ok im not doing well I'm doing very poorly

#Left work early yesterday bc I cannot stop crying at my desk when I'm there #t minus 5 hours until I have to leave for the workday again and like I neeeeed money but I don't think I can do this dude #I'm so fucking miserable and this was the one thing that got me through the day #There's a giant fucking hole in my life and it's better that it's there so I have space for better things but dude I'm just tired #I'm just sad #I can't deal with anything rn #I don't wanna keep going

[augustslippedavvay]

you ever just...delete two years’ worth of your contributors’ work off of your music blog on accident on a random fucking friday night in april. i am thinking about snapping my computer in half and laying in traffic

#literally 62 shows' worth of coverage #62. and i have recovered three. count them. three of the shows' photos #i feel so fucking incompetent and dumb lmfao #like now that it has happened it is so obvious that when you delete the photos from the blog manager that wix deletes them from the website #of COURSE that's what happens #why am i so fucking stupid #i haven't stopped crying for an hour but i've also been working through my tears lmao #i had to text my friend that i run the blog with and basically be like hey so.....all that work you did....all that work our friends did.... #it's gone #and it's also 1 in the morning and she has to be to work at 6:45 #like. fuck dude i cannot #this SUCKS