#HOW WERE WE ONLY 17%

[savageboar]

frye fans how we doing

#seven points AT LEAST IT'S NOT ZERO #HOW WERE WE ONLY 17% #i miss regional splatfests bc they don't even let you play against ppl from other countries in matchmaking #like this is a worldwide fest but how am i supposed to compete worldwide if you won't let me fight #all the ppl in japan voting shiver #hades.txt #splatoon #splatoon 3

[mr-stottlemonk]

made a timeline for monk tv for the folks cause it makes no sense sometimes.

[more in the tags]

[update: stottlemeyer's timeline found here]

#tried my best #math really churned itself out here #fic writing resources ahoy #feel free to use <3 #monk 2002 #monk 2002 timeline #this only counts adrian's age #i got tired of plotting a fic and going “errr wait when does this happen and does this thing im mentioning fit with this period of time???” #esp now that im going crazy about pre-series monk ideas #monk wiki says stottlemeyer is 17 YEARS OLDER THAN MONK #im just??? wot??? #how can... that makes no sense. how can stottlemeyer be 81 and the head of security for some rich ass guy in mr. monk's last case? it dont #add up at all. ive always headcanoned that stottlemeyer is like 6-9 years older than monk #what were the writers thinking these ages are wacky #trudy is 4 years younger than monk too. #if we follow how she died when she was 34 #and theyd been married for 7 years... that makes her 27 but like. they met in uni. what age were they then??? #monk def had to be 23-24 when he met trudy. which makes her 20 :“) #its whack man. making sense of this makes my head hurt #anyway im here to stop all that suffering #here we go #A BETTER TIMELINE #ill update with stottlemeyer's own age timeline soon :>

[vanlegion]

I think at this point I have to pretty much regard season 19 as the truest form of 'Crack Taken Seriously' which. . . huwa, I could do (but damn it would be a struggle...)

But only if you believe in the narrative *NOT* shown.

There's an After for these guys. But I think that's kind of up to us? (. . . Yeah I'm already writing the AFTER fic. Fuck me.) So unless some miracle happens and either the IP gets bought up and the crew gets to do some little shorts like what the Crwby is doing ... Or Geoff and Gus ever pull off what Alexander Siddig and Andrew Robinson did for the Star Trek DS9 Bashir/Garak community. I guess we just make our own canon at this point.

#rvb #red vs blue #rvb restoration spoilers #rvb spoilers #red vs blue spoilers #rvb grif #rvb simmons #rvb tucker #rvb washington #rvb carolina #rvb caboose #Alexander and Andrew hated that they never got to canonize Bashir and Garak in Ds9 so they've done multiple convention things for the OTP #but that was like back when companies were still off put by having Gay couples and shit so like WTF is the excuse here #I just dont get it #RWBY got Bumblebee #why not just give RvB Grimmons ffs #Could have been a single line. Like Simmons saying something like taking a Vacation for a week or I'll see how much PTO I have saved #then its like a joke cause he only has like a day or two saved cause Grif took most of them from before so he's like #well guess I'll have to save some more for a vaca to earth to be worth it - you know - make it *Sound* like a chore #but its something to WORK TOWARDS #fuck... *sighs* I need to eat this Sushi. Do it for Simmons #Im so physically - mentally and emotionally drained right now my dudes #Im still gonna figure out how to inject this AFTER 15-17 because YES I LIKED 15-17 DAMNIT #We dont talk about Zero oh no no no

[silvercaptain24]

Growing up is weird

#silver rambles #vent #that post about the ‘how you knew someone else came from money’ is just. sticking with me #mostly cause as a kid I didn’t realize how bad off we were #like. I didn’t realize we got groceries from the food bank run by the church my dad worked at until I was a teen #it just. affected me subtly I guess #being worried about a $2 difference in shoes when I needed new ones because I liked the more expensive ones #and my mom having to convince me that it was fine #it still sticks with me #it’s really hard sometimes to not think about cost if my dad and I go get lunch or something #I’ve never been to another country #meanwhile my friends would go to Rome and Sweden and India and Greece and Mexico for their 12 year old trips #I stayed in the same state for the one with my mom and only went a state over for the one with my dad #but like #yeah. I always sorta knew #I just. couldn’t have told you that I knew #all the little things you didn’t know growing up #I didn’t know about the groceries thing until yeah. I was…16-17 I think #and now we’re much better off and I have my own job (technically two) but like… #hhh. #why is my brain fixating on this? idk #sorry #needed the thoughts out

[hella1975]

listening to call your mom rn (god it feels wrong spelling it like that)

gripping u by the shoulders. this song is everything to me.

#OKAY STORYTIME THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR: #do u guys remember that girl that was basically my bi-awakening and we had the very stereotypical #intense homoerotic friendship that traumatised the both of us? yeah her #well basically i still have a lot of love for her and we're still friends like she's in my hometown friend group so when i talk about them #i still mean her and out of our entire group she's the ONLY one who didn't go to uni and me and my other friend spoke recently #about how unhappy we know she is bc she got abandoned by us in this awful hometown and we dont think she loves her boyfriend #so much as she stays with him bc she literally has no one else until we come home her life is literally just waiting for us between terms #and i worry about her all the time and one thing that happened a while back was she did drugs w this one guy by the river #and she completely whitied like it was just weed but she was 17 and had never done it before and turns out she's like me #where edibles just do NOT agree with her on a good day let alone when she took as much as she did and she was with a random boy #by the fucking WIER (basically a big dangerous waterfall) and we were all at our mate's house that was a 40 min walk away #and she RANG ME. i was the one she rang. that still sticks with me. and omg it was so scary bc she was so out of it on the phone #and all i managed to get from her was that Something Was Wrong (didnt know what) and that we needed to pick her up #so we did. we got on bikes and fucking RACED to this girl and we picked her up and in the end she asked for her mum #and i was the one to take her to her mum and knock on the door and stand there with her daughter's arm around my shoulder #barely conscious her sick on my shoes and explain what happened. like WHAT #& yeah basically i still have so much love for that girl and i know she struggles with shit hence why that even happened in the first place #and it's like. im still here. i still love you. i'll call your mum. i'll come and get you. just ring me and i'll pick up. stay on the line. #so yeah this song did unimaginable damage the first time i heard it. literally gives me chills and transports me to my 17 year old self #we were young and didnt know what we were doing and the town was suffocating us #AND WE WERE BOTH DROWNING AND DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SAVE EACH OTHER BUT THERE WAS AN UNDERSTANDING THAT WE WERE DROWNING TOGETHER #ask #noah kahan

[romericas]

having thoughts about Arthur, Francis, and Antonio being relatively young teenagers when they start colonizing the world, like Antonio only being around 15 or so physically, Francis somewhere around the same, and Arthur only being like 13. this is not a "feel bad for the colonizers because they were babies UwU" this is a "being an adolescent and believing wholeheartedly that you are correct in your perceptions of the world and those around you and being encouraged by the adults in your government, but still not being mentally old enough to understand the full weight of your actions and then later refusing to acknowledge the full realities of the atrocities you committed at such a young age and the tragedy of that because it's hard"

I'm talking about thirteen-year-old Arthur deciding he's mature enough to take care of a literal child and is startled by how much he's forced to physically and emotionally grow up in the process of trying to raise Alfred only to watch him later follow in Arthur's imperialist footsteps. I'm talking about Francis being a shitty and distant parental figure to Matthew because he was too immature for the responsibility, shedding it at the first opportunity and still not understanding the full extent of the harm he's caused as an adult. Antonio taking on more and more kids because he likes having people who look up to him and don't call him on his shitty actions, who are little enough that he can just ignore them if/when they do and say things that he doesn't like, pretending that he's being a perfect parent to feed his ego and letting the fact that parenting is difficult excuse his shitty actions so he doesn't have to think about them too hard

like also imagine how it changes the dynamic during the revolutionary war if Arthur is barely 18, still a teenager in most regards himself, fighting against a physically 13 year old Alfred and the amount of cognitive dissonance happening for him to say that Alfred isn't old enough to be independent, when he himself was trying to raise a child at the same developmental age

just them being young and thinking that they're doing terrible things because it's all for the right reasons and not knowing how to confront that as adult, especially when faced with their adult children who reflect all their actions back at them

#ignore me I'm just going insane because I'm stuck in my hometown and forced to interact with people from high school #anyway #in my hometown it'sn't unheard of for people to not finish school because they became parents sometimes at 14/15 #or going to school with people whose parents were only 13-17 years older than them #also all the people I graduated with who never matured past 15 and therefore have done no self reflection ever and ain't gonna start now #so I'm just thinking about the colonizers having children because they think it's for the best and fucking it up horrendously #but not being able to admit to it bc it's too many emotions and hard realities to face so it's easier to act like it was fine/inevitable #and how much of Alfred and Matthew's personalities/behaviors could be explained by being raised by teenagers #hws england #aph england #hws france #aph france #hws spain #aph spain #i've been super hesitant to post this because I know there's going to be someone all up in my grill pissed about this #but fuck it we ball #my hcs

[lzrdprsn]

It's really weird when you know someone in a context different from how everybody else knows them so you look at them and you still kind of see that person they used to be

#this post is about the boy i dated my senior year who was so incredibly sweet tbh wouldnt be the person i am today if i hadnt met him #but he was so fucked up he had so many issues it was really hard so it didnt work out but i loved him and i think he loved me too #but hes in a moderately successful band now which i just found out about do i looked them up and theyre good #but its so weird because its like i know that when you were 17 you wanted to be an underwater welder #i helped you clean your room at your grandmas house because you were so sad you couldnt do it yourself #i ditched 5th period AP English to sit on the steps behind the auditorium and listen to you talk about whatever #you pushed me on the swings and we took the bus to the movie theater and you liked cherry wraps and you played me my favorite songs #i havent REALLY thought about that guy in years and we were only together MAYBE 6 months but its so weird what you remember about people #and especially how you remember how they made you feel because he made me feel so good like i was in control #all my previous relationships was me trying to desperately please someone who wouldnt do the same for me #and honestly a lot of my relationships since have been the same especially in college and with the one girl who honestly if she called me #today i would drop everything and go be with her again no questions because i cant get her out of my head #but stuff witj him was never ever like that it was so easy it was like breathing even though it ended messy i have 0 regrets #and its nice to know that things are going well for him because honestly he changed my life a little bit #the way i dont give a fuck now is something i learned from him #ill probably delete this later but you know

[hbogirls]

i hope one of the vault tracks has a lyric specifically referencing being 24. i need her to touch on every age at least once and that one happens to be mine currently and hers at the time of the original

#it's supposed to be fun turning 21 feeling 22 23 inside her fantasy ... 25 years old how were you to know etc etc #not to mention fifteen and i'm only 17 but i know i miss you #32 and still growing up now! #mary's song is all about being different ages #wait also the fact that we had to do 33 million puzzles. this girl is obsessed with how old she is lol just like me fr

[lunarflare64]

Dad has said talking to us is like walking on eggshells, but honestly the reverse is true too, when he steps on our toes we have to find a balance between not flying off the handle and actually making our anger clear, because anything less is basically no reaction in his mind so he doesn't even realise that something went wrong. We also have to make our point clear and stand our ground, something we're not good at when it comes to him. Fights between undiagnosed autistic parents and their early diagnosed more socially developed autistic adult kids are fucking rough.

#vent post #not saying we're perfectly socially developed - there are a lot of things we arent good at or dont care to be good at #but when we look at the lessons hes learning theyre all lessons we learned a while ago #and its infuriating to be his learning tool #we've been a conversational minefield for him for a long time but hes only recently reached a place where he could learn from it #dont know if he WILL learn from it but for the first time ever we've finished explaining what exactly he did to upset us #he used to bulldoze over every explanation and make it about himself #this argument happening over text definitely for sure helped #stops both of our stubborn asses from flaring up at the sight of a perceived attack and escalating the situation #one time a fight got so bad that after we left the room to try and end the argument he followed us and got in our face #and we leaned back on the couch and kicked him in the stomach with both legs #we wont claim that we were the 'right' one in that argument - we dont even remember what it was about #but it shows how far a fight between us can go even when we want out of it #though we were only like 16 or 17 during that fight so we're hoping that we've gotten better at shutting down fights over the last 6/7 years #if it ever got that bad again

[hussyknee]

Listen I love Ellen and Oscar but

June Claremont-Diaz 🫱🏽‍🫲🏻 Princess Bea

↓↓

✨ Parentification Trauma ✨

#listen I know there's many reasons this happens even with loving parents #but it's incredibly psychologically damaging to have to fill a parent's shoes for a sibling even if you're legally an adult #because your brain doesnt give a shit how legal you are #it just knows you're prioritizing playing a parental role when you need to be focusing on yourself #my most intense parentification trauma years was between 17–22 #it broke my heart that June left her boyfriend to be with Alex because she knew she's the only one who would prioritise him #and Bea pumping the brakes on her mental health spiral because her baby brother didnt have a functional parent left #granted that may have saved her but having to claw yourself back to sanity bc you have to take care of someone else is seriously non-ideal #and yeah I know that their brothers were worth it and they dont regret it #but they have so much reason to be burnt out and hold their mothers to account good god #women arent caretakers and protectors because we're just built naturally kind. it's because we get left to do the nurturing and caretaking #until it becomes second nature #for my part being a big sister is fundamental part of me and caretaking and protecting and nurturing is who I am now #but the inability to ever put myself first and take space when someone needs me #the inability to turn off the kindness tap even when it's running blood #the instinct to fix things and take responsibility for everyone #it's all incredibly damaging in the long run #''southern goodness'' baby that's the gender conditioning ideal #do you know how much repressed pain it takes to be that kind and gentle #firstprince #june claremont diaz #bea fox mountchristen windsor #parentification #child neglect #emotional neglect #feminism #gender conditioning #knee of huss #rwrb #red white & royal blue

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[fabulouslygaybean]

im such an anxious person and i wish i wasn't

#like... my mom's been spending a LOT of money recently and its making me anxious #she got an inheritance from her recently deceased parents who were pretty rich so idk how much she got but. its still making me anxious #she bought a new dryer which was necessary but she's planning on making so many big purchases that it's making me anxious #some of the things she's planning to purchase are: #a high speed laptop for me that can handle my art programs. tickets to cali in the spring. a gym membership for my sister. #multiple expensive streaming services. therapy for my sister and i. dental and eye appointments for all three of us. a hard drive for our - #- xbox. pricey flannel sheets for whoever in the house wants them. #its making me anxious!!! we've never had this kind of money in all my 17 years of life!!! #we've spent the past few years struggling to make ends meet and even before that we still weren't super well off. but all of a sudden we - #- apparently have the money to buy and do all of these things after years of barely being able to cover both groceries and bills and it - #- scares me bc im scared we'll lose it. im scared something's gonna go wrong and my mom would've spent too much money to fix it #i know thats irrational and i know that shes a grown woman who knows how to budget much better than i do bc im only 17 but im still anxious #idk. after years of instability we finally have stability and it freaks me out. it was so sudden and i dont know what to do about it.

[elytrafemme]

not putting under cut bc i feel like thats weird idk but jsyk im doing more mental health musings here 

u know something i find really interesting is like. okay i’m on my 4th therapist right now, right? which sounds like i burned through a lot and i guess i kind of did but really she’s my 3rd, the first one stared at me blankly for one session diagnosed me with GAD and “a mood disorder” with 0 other specificity and then recommended i go somewhere else. but the other two that followed were at that same place and i guess i just find it interesting how ill prepared they were with dealing with like... complex mental health issues?

because i mean, i don’t think either of the people i saw were bad people. but like. i told the first one about this one time where i was in one of the lowest mental states of my life (and at the time it was the worst i had ever felt) and my friends had been laughing at me during it, right. and so i gave them the finger. and my therapist laughed and was like well if someone gave me the finger i wouldn’t want to talk to them either. and then my second therapist said i hadn’t dealt with any “major trauma” and would watch me have dissociative episodes and do absolutely nothing but go like “i know sweetheart i know” and then the session would just. End. 

and it’s like, they were helpful when it came to things like my school stress, or ... well i guess just that. it was very basic things they could help with, it was like a school counselor. and that kept me from making these realizations about my mental health because they did not know anything more complex and couldn’t talk to me about it. 

my fourth therapist has been different, obviously, treats me like a person. it just so happens she’s the only private therapist i saw, and also the most expensive one. so like. fuck. 

#nightmare.personal #it's strange because i recognize that i know more about my mental health than a lot of people do at 17 #like i've already gotten a lot of work done really early and stuff #and yet i mean. i spent like. so much time not? learning about myself #and i just have to wonder how much time i could have saved if i was told that me having dissociative episodes wasn't normal #when i was just thinking about a memory #how much time i could have saved if i wasn't told that giving someone the middle finger for laughing at my trauma was #unjustified God i'm still so angry about that #and it's been like what. 4 years? #anyway. i don't know. sometimes i wish that i went to a therapist earlier #but i also know that either way i would have only seen the one i'm seeing now #when i started because she also saw another relative so like #otherwise we wouldn't have known her so. no matter how early i started nothing would have changed #i consider being 15 the worst year of my life but by far all the years before when i was with those other therapists. were the darkest.

[bunnyb34r]

Finally after two months I got rid of the massive box of girls tees 😭

I had 2 rows out in October but then we got something else in and I needed to condense so I took a massive empty box and just threw everything into it and for the past 2 months I've been sifting through this messy ass box

But FINALLY I have room to have 2 rows again! Theres still 2 piles of shirts left but those are in the box they're supposed to be in

#it feels so stupidly good to get rid of that mess bc i was dreading someone other than me opening it to restock and being like #wtf is this???? bc thats how i would react if i hadnt done it myself but i refolded the extra shirts all nice and neat and stacked them #i mean Childrens looks like shit today anyway bc we were dropped no joke 17 pallets this morning so i had to help do that #and i just did the shirts and refolded/condensed jeans to make room but ugh #im not looking forward to Sunday bc ill be working solo for the first time #like ive worked without [relative coworker] being there before but i still had one other coworker in the dept #and we cleared the pallets real quick together and ive worked alone bc they pulled my coworkers away hut this is my first time with no help #thankfully the other two days im alone NetflixCoworker should be there to tell 8am shift what to do but 😰 im the only one #from 4-12 on sunday and im only there til 8 but hey i didnt make the schedule so fuck em four and out baybeeee #marquilla #work talk

[orcelito]

Also it really fuckin says smth that I haven't really talked to my ex step family in about 8 years But I still have dreams sometimes of getting into fights with my ex step sister

It's very frustrating 😐

#speculation nation #dream shit #i lived with them for about 7 years. through the ages of 10 to 17 #aka Very Formative. even if it's a relatively short time overall #i was closest in age to my ex step sister (who's 11 months younger than me. Not a year as she'd insist. only 11 months) #we hung out all the time. played with each other All the time #except she was the most OBNOXIOUS human being ever & i was her FAVORITE target to harass #we'd get in fights all the time but it was almost entirely her purposefully pushing my buttons bc she Knew how to piss me off #& it was so frustrating. there was never any sense to the fights. i'd try to talk rationally and she would never listen to me #so anyways i still sometimes get dreams where shes there and being obnoxious and it gets me SO fucking angry lmfao. kinda crazy #yes including last night #i pulled out of helping her with smth bc my hands were getting Stabbed with glass shards #and she was being SO shitty about it. & i got so angry bc like Literally i didnt want to be doing that either!!! #idk dreams r so weird. pulling up ppl i havent seen in so long. but bc i knew them in My Youth my brain totes them around forever #little puppet caricatures of who they once were for me. regardless of how much time has passed and how much theyve grown. #im sure shes a more reasonable adult now. tho still entirely outside of my realm of existence lol

[ajournalingtrex]

AND SEVENTEEN DAYS UNTIL PRESEASON OH MY GOD LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!! LIFE MIGHT ACTUALLY REALLY SUCK AND I MIGHT WANT TO D1E A BIT ALL THE TIME BUT PRESEASON IS BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!! I!!!! LOVE!!!!! PRESEASON!!!!!

preseason is a gift. proof that there may be a god and that life may be okay. those invited (our student leaders, our graying athletes, the freshmen who have no idea what they’re getting into—trust me i was one of those kids—on campus faculty, and the football team. ), god what an incredible mix it is. an amalgamation of wonderful delightful people every time. it’s such a quiet campus but you know you’re not alone and 70-80 people are in just the same boat as you and it’s comforting.

((most of them are just starting their summer reading just like me, too.))

we throw ourselves at each other and at our rooms and at our teachers that first day, just how it normally is but easier on the social anxiety. we get the afternoon to set up and then we have meetings to go over the rules so that way they wouldn’t have to give it to us again when the rest got here. it felt like we were the guinea pigs, the men at the birth of time. the ones who knew how everything worked before the rest of the world and were—more often than not—the reason that the rules would be changed for the rest of the group. if you’re lucky, you don’t have practice until day 2. i normally don’t possess such fortune.

practice. the only thing any of us have to report for. for my team, that was 10-11:30 conditioning and 3-4:30 field work every day, and twice in that week we had 7-8:30 to continue our progress. it’s exhilarating, the only way to describe it. but maybe that’s because i’m an addict and my drug of choice is the same as it was when i was 10. sprints are no fun but we’re together and we’re laughing, and i get so drunk off the buttercup yellow and fluorescent green swimming through the air around me that i don’t care about how i’m going to puke up a dining hall muffin or how my shirt is an entirely different shade from sweat or how my ankle definitely didn’t hurt like that before.

we indoctrinate the new people with our questions of your favorite smell and then tossing you the unwashed pennies (even though we’re a team that cheers when you make a bad shot because we just can’t get enough of each other), and we reminisce about the games of old and the teams that brought us to tears last year—how 10 called me a bitch for elbowing them and 4 laughed at me getting carded because that’s absolutely something 4 would do god what a prick but it’s okay i think they graduated—and the injuries that took people out and how they’re just not allowed to happen again.

and the playing. holy shiting fuck. being one of the callout defensive players on the team, i take it as the time to introduce myself to everyone and get my bearings of who i’m working with; who’ll listen to advice and who’ll give me that furrowed eyebrow look for daring to question their stance; who’s a baby deer walking on ice for the first time and how can i help make this just a little bit easier for them; who’s getting of play time and where will coach put them; who am i getting paired with a lot and how can i adapt to their play style.

((since being drafted as sweep, this is my goalie. and after one week of hours on end with each other, both of us with the same goal in every drill and joking beside each other when the offense are being run into the ground. last year, she became my son by day three and by day 5 we scrimmaged in matching bathing suits and i turf burned all down my arm, and even though we didn’t win she cites that as the moment i became her person.))

((this year? i’m not allowed to get concussed because she needs me. she needs me out there. i missed her first season and she told me i owed it to her and that we needed to form the same synchronization we barely brushed last year before the accident. for this one green, sky blue, and red-orange week of the year, that kid is my everything. her thoughts are my thoughts, my calls are hers. i promised her we would have it this year, so whatever may happen to me and my destructive tendencies both on and off the field, i’m giving it to her.))

i get pads and pads of paper and i draft roster after roster, trying to get into the head of my former advisor while giving advice she’ll never hear to as many people who will possibly listen to me. i wave my hands around over orange chicken and jasmine rice and blue gatorade and chick fil a milkshakes and talk only of the future, the school year, the season, my family and my team-family and ways that things are green and shiny and bright.

((something a coach said to me last year will always stick with me. when conferencing with me about my role on the team, she said that during the season but especially during preseason, my eyes never sparkle more.))

my favorite day is when it rains. every year there’s always one. the day everyone dreads but i ADORE. last year the power went out, and it got me out of everything but practice. i didn’t mind, though. i never could on rain days.

we’re all outside going through the same downpour and it’s cold and your tank top is sticking to you in the wind, but the air is hot so it’s refreshing. and it sucks to be out there in the rain with your soreness and your slightly off shots and your feet slipping all over the turf (or getting mud in places you’ll talk about only in the locker room) but your heart is absolutely glowing because you’re doing what you love with amazing people in the greatest place you’ve ever been and even if you eat shit 5–10–20 more times, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. because life is good. there’s something in life to look forward to, and it’s you and your team against the elements: training and fucking up and learning from it to grow and to be the best. your eyes are still shiny and you’re alight with heart fire.

because that’s really what preseason is about: heart fire. finding something that makes you feel good about yourself and feel strong and confident and together to just set you ablaze.

#am if you’re reading this #you feel like preseason rain days #i was writing about you and that happened and i couldn’t stop writing #because that’s what your france/germany post reminds me of. you found your heart fire. and your presence reminds me of mine #and then i remembered that preseason is so close #my love for school and field hockey and family and preseason came roaring out of me i guess #rexy wrote a thing #i miss my brother and my younger/older sister and my greg and my son and my older sister and my sunflower #and my twin flame and my snack thief and my dad and my coach and my home and my family and my team and my sport #and the feeling of my heart fire. #dad and i were talking and he was like “i didn’t realize how important field hockey was to you.” and i was like “yeah me neither #“only know you love her when you let her go. that song by passenger?” #and he told me to get out and then got jokingly frazzled when i tried bc we had to talk about a lot more #17. days. 16 now the clock’s struck midnight. #wendy’s coke machine soon <3