hi lillian! i hope this isn't too intrusive (feel free to disregard) but i saw your post about losing your great-grandmother. how are you? i hope you're feeling a little better and, if not, i hope you're holding up as well as you can<3
thank you so much for checking in on me, anon! it really means a lot. i'm doing as well as i can, but it is the most intense grief i have yet faced. she spent over a decade looking after me and my brother while our single mother was working during the week, essentially helping raise us, and it was very jarring to lose a very close motherly figure so suddenly. the pandemic kept us apart, so we weren't able to be around her very much the last few years, which made the goodbye less shocking but made the guilt worse. anyway, it's just tough stuff to deal with, but i really am managing alright.
i don't know if you believe in this sort of thing, and honestly i'm not even sure what i believe exactly, but she always had a connection to animals (cats specifically) and throughout my childhood always talked about how she would like to be reincarnated as a cat. when she was unresponsive in hospice, the last night i saw her alive, i asked her to find a way to come back and tell us hello, either as a cat or a butterfly---two symbols that have a meaningful history in our family.
on the day of her funeral, a yellow butterfly (specifically a tiger swallowtail, one of her favorites) flew around my shoulder and inches from my face while i watched her casket being lowered next to my great-grandfather.
two months later, on this most recent halloween night, a litter of kittens were randomly running around in our front year during trick-or-treat hours. they came and inspected our porch decorations and left, and an hour later, another one came back and sauntered right up our porch and into our kitchen while we were handing out candy!
now, for context, my parents and i always feed the stray cats, so we're used to seeing quite a few and recognize them easily. but we had never seen these kittens before, nor had any of our frequent strays ever appeared pregnant over the last six months. we believe the litter was dumped in our neighborhood on halloween due to their black coats (black cats unfortunately are treated very ill this time of year due to ridiculous negative superstitions).
we decided to keep the little one that walked into our house--i do believe it was a sign, both from the little kitty wanting a home and also from my great-grandmother saying she heard me while i visited her in hospice although she couldn't speak. unfortunately, we didn't see the other kittens again, despite trying! we're keeping an eye out for them so we can rescue them if possible.
anyway, the kitty is a little boy, he has beautiful black fur and golden brown/yellow eyes, a perfect halloween cat. and i named him Severus (yes, after Snape, lol). i'll include some pictures! he's five months old and has a clean bill of health, despite some tummy issues. he's the most affectionate and clingy cat i've ever met, and i can't believe he's ours. i absolutely adore him and he's given me more energy to keep going and be excited about getting up every day.
sometimes when he looks at me, i swear i see my grandmother looking back, but not always (which makes me believe it more in those little glimpses).
so, all this to say, i'm doing better now, although my grief isn't linear. i think the best thing that's helped me is choosing to recognize the little signs i do believe our loved ones can send us beyond the grave. i don't know how it works or what it means for those of us who are still living, but i do know there is truth to some sort of existence beyond the physically tangible, and that gives me hope. <3
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