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weareapackofstrays · 4 months

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A New Kind of Love: Chapter III

Genre: Non-Idol college au, slight enemies to lovers (more like they annoy e/o at the start), friends with benefits, smut, angst, romance, drama

Pairing: Minho x F!Reader

Warnings: Drinking, Cigarette Smoking, Mention of Weed, Nonconsensual touching, Cussing, Spanking, Rough Sex, Physical Violence (Minho punches a guy), Degradation, Reader is a bit of a brat. Let me know if I forgot anything! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.

Word Count: 5,377

Summary: You didn't grow up with great examples of love. Your parents were always at each other's throats. As a result, you have struggled with expressing your true feelings and can come off cold or defensive. After your boyfriend of 2 years cheats on you during freshman year with your childhood best friend, you decide to swear off love for good. Now in your second year of college, you move into the basement apartment of a house full of college boys. Inevitably crossing paths with one of them, Minho quickly gets under your skin in more ways than one. Despite your differences, you can't stay away from him.

A/N: Apologies for the lengthy chapter. I am also realizing that I have written a lot of parties into this story haha, but it's college. Side note/fun fact: I based the campus and house off of Penn State and where I used to live. Feedback/thoughts are always welcome!

Chapter III: Those Are Mine Now Prev | Next

Fall semester was coming to a close and the first snow had fallen on campus. You loved the smell of snow and the sound it made when it crunched under your boots. It rarely ever snowed back home. A few weeks had gone by since your library encounter with Minho and as much as you tried, you couldn’t stop thinking about him. His touch, his tongue, they were haunting your dreams both day and night. As you replay the moment in your head, you miss Yuqi and Momo walking up to your table at the usual meet up spot. Yuqi sits down across from you and exchanges a look with Momo as they notice your spaced out state.

“Ground control to Major Tom?” Yuqi waves at you to get your attention.

“It appears we've lost connection,” the two girls mimic speaking into an intercom. You banish Minho from your head and smile at them.

“Sorry.”

“Damn, where did you go?” Momo, your other best friend, slides into the booth next to you wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

“Nowhere…” you shrug your shoulders. After placing your orders, the girls turn their attention to you.

“So are you going to Max’s party this weekend?” You look between Momo and Yuqi blinking.

“I guess she hasn’t heard,” Momo says. “Max is throwing a party at the Theta Chi house Saturday night to celebrate the end of finals. You have to come!”

“Jisung is going so he’s bringing his roommates with him,” Yuqi adds.

“Wow I guess you two are really hitting it off.” You mindlessly flip through the sugar packets for something to add to your tea.

Yuqi bites the tip of her thumb and scrunches her nose. “Yes.” She starts to giggle.

“Ew, okay.” You stick your finger down your throat, jokingly.

“Stop, I really like him!” She covers her face shyly.

“They’re all over each other, it’s gross.” Momo rolls her eyes in gest.

Yuqi scoffs. “Whatever, you just can't stand how cute we are.”

“That is accurate.” You laugh at Momo’s comment before changing the topic.

“So you said Jisung and his roommates will be there?”

Yuqi is scrolling through her phone mindlessly. “Yeah.” You pick at your napkin trying to act nonchalant.

“All of them or just-”

Yuqi lets out a frustrated sigh. “If you’re trying to ask if Minho will be there then just say so.” She places her hands on her hips and gives you a pointed look. The waiter walks over interrupting to drop off your food.

Momo takes hold of her plate and turns to you, “Minho? Who is that?”

“No one. He’s no one.”

“No one doesn’t fuck someone in a library, Y/n.” Yuqi raises an eyebrow, casually taking a sip of her coffee.

Momo’s eyes go wide as she shouts, “ What?!” You look around at the other restaurant patrons and try to shoosh the girls. Yuqi lets out a cackle. “What the hell, Y/n. Spill!” Momo drops her hand from your shoulder and nudges you for an explanation.

“Sorry, it’s nothing really. We just kinda hooked up a few weeks ago.”

“Minho went down on her in the stacks.” Yuqi says with a mouthful of food.

“In the stacks?” Momo lets out a whistle. “Yeah, sure sounds like nothing.” They both laugh and you kick them under the table.

“Ouch!” They cry out in unison.

Yuqi rubs her calf, still laughing. “And to answer your question. Yes, he will be there.”

“I didn’t ask.” You take a sip of your tea and shrug. Yuqi kicks you under the table now, but you don’t react.

“What are we going to do with her?” Yuqi sighs.

Momo looks at you coyly, “I can think of a few things.” She winks at you.

“Okay, now it’s my turn to be grossed out,” Yuqi feigns disgust as she looks at her meal. “And in front of my salad.”

“Speaking of tossed salad.” You choke on your drink and start laughing along with Momo. Yuqi throws her fork down. “I just lost my appetite.” She raises her finger in the air, “Check, please!”

On your way to the arts building to take your last final of the semester, you see Minho talking to a very pretty girl. Shoot. You had definitely been avoiding him at home and on campus recently, but curiosity gets the better of you. Quickly ducking behind some students, you settle behind a tree to get a better look. Minho stands leaning against a wall of a neighboring building. He’s dressed in utility pants, crewneck, and a beanie. He looks good. Too good. What a dick, you think. He’s laughing with her and they seem to be close. You feel an unfamiliar pang in your chest at the sight of them together. Minho looks in your direction and you flee into a crowd, sprinting to your final.

Minho chats with his dance partner, Mel. They break out into laughter as they recall something funny their dance instructor said earlier during their final. They have known each other since the start of Freshman year and while they weren’t best friends, there was still a closeness between them as dance partners. Minho was blown away by her skill the first time he watched her dance and knew he had to make her his partner after that. Mel has really helped him grow as a dancer and maybe had an influence on his patience too. While going over their plans for Christmas break, Minho feels the back of his neck tingle and senses eyes on him. He turns to look for the source and thinks he spies you, but you’re gone before he can confirm it’s you. He looks back to Mel to continue their chat when Mel’s girlfriend, Leah, joins them.

“Hey, you two.” Leah plants a kiss on Mel’s cheek. Minho greets her with a nod.

Leah looks at Minho and pats his arm. “You going to Max’s party this weekend?”

“Yeah, Jisung is making us go.”

“Making?” Mel questions.

“A girl he’s sweet on will be there so all the guys are going as moral support.” He shrugs.

“Sweet on? Are you from the past, old man?” Leah tries to poke Minho in the rib teasingly, but he immediately flinches, avoiding her. She turns to Mel, “We should get going, love.” Mel nods and gives Minho a wave.

“See you this weekend!”

He watches them leave admiring the two of them as they walk hand in hand. Minho catches himself imagining the two of you similarly walking around campus and gives himself a slap.

“Stop that!” he chastises himself and leaves for his next class.

Momo, Yuqi, and you stand at the base of the stairs of the Theta Chi house and look up. There are colorful lights blinking in the window and you can hear the base of whatever song is blasting. Yuqi pulls you both into her side and you ascend the steps. As soon as you open the door you're greeted by a flood of people dancing and chatting. Yuqi helps guide you through the crowd for a meeting point she had pre-planned with Jisung. Jisung and Felix spot all of you and Jisung jumps in the air to capture your attention. Yuqi sees him and shrieks excitedly. Still holding onto your arm, she starts running in the direction of the boys. You quickly grab Momo’s hand as you are pulled through the sea of people. Jisung pulls Yuqi into a hug and places a peck on her cheek. They stare into each other’s eyes fondly as they say hi to each other. It makes your chest tighten a little.

“Oh my god. They really are whipped for each other,” you whisper into Momo’s ear. She laughs and nods back.

“Hey, Y/n!” Jisung pulls you into a hug next, followed by Felix. Felix lingers a little and you notice he is staring at something past you. Minho watches the four of you from across the room and meets Felix’s eyes. Felix releases you.

“Hi Felix," you smile at him.

“It’s good to see you again,” he says, giving your arms a gentle squeeze.

You look at Jisung. “Hey, neighbor.”

“I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve seen you,” Jisung says. You laugh uncomfortably and Yuqi turns away to hide her knowing giggle.

“Just been busy I guess.” You turn to Momo, bringing her forward. “This is our friend, Momo, by the way.”

“Momo! We finally meet!” Jisung grabs her and gives her an unexpected tight hug. Yuqi’s face lightens up with the biggest smile. Momo looks at the two of you with a shocked face and laughs. Jisung releases her and Felix takes her hand as they exchange hellos. After Felix offers to grab beers for everyone, the four of you settle into a corner and comfortably chat. Felix eventually returns with drinks and joins in on the conversation.

You take a few sips, nodding your head to whatever Jisung is saying while you casually scan the room for someone. For him. Right on cue, the crowd parts and directly across the room in front of you, stands Minho. You notice his hand holding a red cup and find yourself staring at his fingers, then your eyes drift up to his arm admiring the tattoo covering most of his forearm. You make a mental note to get a better look at it later. Minho feels your gaze and looks in your direction. He thinks you’re staring at him at first, but then follows your eyes to his arm. He tilts his head and a grin spreads across his face. He takes a sip of his drink purposely pulling you from your thoughts. Your eyes meet. A warm sensation trickles through your body. Minho turns his attention back to someone. It’s her. The pretty girl from before. Did he come here with her? And who the heck is she? Are they sleeping together? You want to ask Jisung or Felix who Minho is talking to, but worry you’ll only get more questions back from them. Minho puts his hand on the girl’s shoulder and you feel an emotion akin to jealousy ignite within you. Momo notices you looking distracted so she nudges you.

You face her and arch a brow. “What?”

Momo leans into your ear. “Let’s dance.”

Felix asks to accompany the two of you and the three of you walk out to the makeshift dance floor in the living room. Minho watches you curiously, but remains chatting with Mel. Felix and Momo sandwich you between them while you jump around dancing and shouting the lyrics of the song playing. You try to forget about Minho and his pretty friend and get lost in the music. A girl you recognize from one of your art history classes taps on Felix’s shoulder and asks him to dance. He looks at you and Momo for permission, but you both wave him away.

“Go, have fun, babe!” He leaves the two of you to dance together. Momo gets distracted by someone behind her and chats them up so you now dance alone. Minho catches your eye again and you see him with another girl. You turn around growing further annoyed. Why isn’t he coming to say hi? Minho looks at the back of you wondering what game you're playing. He turns to Mel’s girlfriend, Leah, and excuses himself for a moment. He starts to make his way onto the dance floor when another guy steps in instead. He’s unsure what’s said, but he assumes he is asking to dance with you. You wrap your arms around the guy and start moving together. Minho feels anger boil under his skin, but decides to go find his roommates before he does something dumb.

Momo finally returns her attention back to you and gives your new dance partner a get lost look. “My turn,” she shouts as she grabs hold of your waist possessively. You thank your dance partner and turn around to face Momo. The two of you dance in the middle of the makeshift dance floor while taking more swigs of beer. She takes hold of you pulling you in closely. You both get into the rhythm and her warm body feels good against yours. You wrap an arm around her neck gently grinding into her. She takes that as a signal and brings you in for a kiss. It wasn’t the first time you had messed around with Momo. The two of you usually end up making out at some point whenever you attend parties together. Momo slides a hand down and gives your ass a squeeze. You slap her jokingly, but she doesn’t relent. Instead, she slides her tongue further into your mouth and you can feel her moan. Excitement rushes through you.

Minho finds Jisung and Yuqi in the backyard. They have been joined by a few of his other roommates, Hyunjin and Changbin. Jisung’s hand is wrapped around Yuqi’s back, holding her closely to his side. Minho hasn’t seen Jisung look this happy in a long time and it makes him swell with joy. He bumps beer bottles with the boys, greeting each other.

Yuqi leans into Minho’s side. “Have you seen Y/n?”

“She’s on the dance floor with your other friend.”

“Momo?” she asks. Minho nods and looks back in the direction of the dance floor.

“They’re somewhere over-” he cuts himself off when he spots the two of you making out. Yuqi and Jisung follow his gaze curiously. Yuqi sees the two of you embracing each other and rolls her eyes. Jisung stands with his mouth open like a fish and Yuqi smacks his chest. He laughs, but nervously looks to Minho for his reaction.

“I guess it’s that time of night then,” Yuqi says jokingly. “They’re like that sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” Jisung says surprised. “Aren’t they friends?”

“Yeah, of course, and it’s just two drunken friends having fun. Don’t read too much into it.” She says that more for Minho’s benefit, but notices his fist balled at his side.

“There’s nothing between them. It doesn’t mean anything, I promise.” She places a hand on his forearm to reassure him. Minho looks at Yuqi and gives her a quick smile that doesn’t meet his eyes. He takes the last sip of his beer and walks away. Changbin notices Minho leaving abruptly.

“Where is Hyung going?” He asks Jisung.

“Probably to get another drink,” he lies. Minho hadn’t really told anyone about the nature of his relationship with you, but Jisung and Felix knew something was happening.

If you were being honest with yourself, you knew there was a chance Minho would see the two of you together. You didn’t know where he was, but you could feel him near. Were you doing this for attention? Maybe. Did you know why? Your buzzed state convinced yourself no. Momo weaves her fingers into your hair, pushing you closer together. Her kisses were becoming more desperate. You try to enjoy the sweet taste of your silly friend’s tongue in your mouth while you both sway to the upbeat music together, but Minho’s potentially disappointed face keeps interrupting your thoughts. You decide it is time to stop. You disconnect your lips and Momo whines when you try to step away. She pulls you back and nuzzles into your neck, licking your sensitive spots. She was definitely tipsy and the two of you often got touchy feely, sometimes more in the privacy of your apartment, but things were getting borderline public indecency now.

“Babe, we should stop,” you reluctantly push her away.

“Fine.” she says exasperated. “I’m gonna go grab another drink.” You could tell she was disappointed so you call after her.

“I love you!”

“Yeah, yeah.” She waves you off.

Alone in the crowd you look around for Minho, but accidentally bump into someone else. You face the person you assailed and see a gorgeous dimpled man smiling back at you.

“Y/n?” It takes you a moment to connect the dots.

“Oh! Chris?”

“Yeah!” The two of you had recently seen each other in passing, but hadn’t spoken much. You look down to inspect him.

“I’m so sorry, did I hurt you?”

“Nah, nah you're good.” The two of you start to casually dance together and chat when Momo finally returns with a new drink in hand. She looks to Chris then you.

“Is this the famous Minho?” Your eyes widen in mortification. Chris coughs and laughs, which makes you wonder if Minho told Chris about what had happened between you. You brush it off and recover your composure.

“Uh, no, this is-”

“I’m Chris,” he puts a hand out and Momo takes it. “I’m one of Y/n’s neighbors.”

“Oh, how fun.” She looks at you and smiles while waggling her brows. Still holding hands, you notice the two are definitely attracted to each other so you use this as an opportunity to escape.

“Alright, well, why don’t you two chat. It looks like I am in need of a refill now.”

“Later!” Momo waves without breaking eye contact with Chris. Pushing through the crowd of drunk college students, you look back and see Momo wrap her arms around Chris’s neck as they start to dance. Good. You love Momo, but you sometimes worry that if the two of you keep things going too long, feelings might get skewed and you don't want to risk losing her friendship…even if it was a lot of fun.

The kitchen is surprisingly sparse of people and you take a moment to soak in the quiet. You pour some punch into a solo cup and lean against the counter to sip. Minho knocks on the wall to announce his presence.

“Hey.” He stands with his hands in his pockets. He’s wearing black jeans with a white v-neck tee and jean jacket. You can feel your heart start to race so you look into your cup for a distraction.

“Hey,” you say casually. He takes a step into the kitchen and hovers. Minho can tell you’re trying to avoid him. Unable to take these games he finally speaks.

“Look, we need to talk.”

Before he can say what he wants to say, Kyle enters the kitchen and greets you, completely unaware of Minho’s presence..

“We meet again, sweetheart.”

A slight panic sets in as your two hookups stand in the same room together. You can feel your cheeks warm from embarrassment. “Hi, Kyle,” you say awkwardly.

“I was hoping we’d run into each other.” Minho feels anger climb up his spine as he sees Kyle swoop you into an embrace. He walks out of the kitchen in defeat. You peer over Kyle’s shoulder and watch him leave. The pang in your heart returns. Kyle releases you and pins you to the counter.

“I’ve missed you.” You look away from the empty space where Minho stood then meet Kyle’s eyes. You cock your head to the side amused. “Sure, you have.”

He leans in and whispers. “I’m serious. I miss the way you feel, baby.” You’re annoyed at his words turning you on. Are you really this horny or just tipsy? You chastise yourself.

“Why don’t we take this upstairs, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know, Kyle.” You attempt to deny him.

“Are we really going to do this same dance every time?” He takes hold of your hand and heads for the second floor. Minho watches as the two of you disappear up the stairs and decides he’s had enough.

The two of you walk into the hallway where a few other couples had escaped to for some privacy. Kyle pushes you against the wall and kisses your neck. You place a hand on the back of his head as you feel your body give in to his caresses. He starts to pull you towards a bedroom, but the pang in your heart gets even louder. This isn’t right. You place your hands on Kyle’s shoulder and push him off of you.

“I don’t think we should, Kyle.”

“Come on, baby. Just a quickie.”

You roll your eyes and laugh as he starts to kiss your cheek. You push him away again.

“I’m being serious, Kyle. I don’t want to do this.” He ignores you and tries to guide you into an open bedroom, but he’s interrupted when he’s ripped from your arms.

“Get off her.” Minho yanks Kyle off of you pushing him into the other wall.

“Who the fuck are you?” Kyle shouts.

“Minho, what the hell are you doing?” Kyle interrupts you and lunges at Minho. Minho anticipates the move and decks him, knocking him down to the ground.

You look down at Kyle in horror. “Minho, what the actual fuck?” Minho doesn’t hear you and instead throws you over his shoulder. Kyle attempts to stand, but Minho whips around with you in tow and threatens him to “stay down.” Kyle slumps back on the ground. Minho’s punch dazed him a little. He holds his hands up in surrender.

“Fine, she’s all yours.”

“Gee, thanks, Kyle,” you say sarcastically as you and Minho walk down the stairs. You try to wriggle out of his grasp, but this just makes him grip onto your exposed thighs harder. He takes you outside to the front of the house and cautiously places you on the ground. You see him hover closely, anticipating your escape, but you just cross your arms and scoff.

“What? Do you think I’m going to run away?” The two of you stare each other down before he takes hold of your elbow.

“We’re going home.” It’s not a question, but a demand.

You pull your arm from his grasp. “You’re not my dad, Minho! You can’t tell me what to do.”

He laughs at how childish you sound. He gets in your face and you have to lean back so your noses don’t brush. You forgot how good it felt to have him this close. Minho thinks the same, but he tries to remain focused. His voice lowers and he repeats himself, “We are going home.” A shiver runs through you at the shift in his tone. You bite your lip as you feel warmth shoot through your middle. Minho grabs your hand and you don’t fight him this time.

Finally in front of the house, he releases your hand and you walk past him, but he reaches back out for you and grasps your wrist before you can get too far. You swing back at the force and face him. Minho is looking to the ground when he speaks. He looks calmer now, a little unsure.

“Were you really going to sleep with that guy?”

You shrug, “Probably not.” He shoots air out his nose and shakes his head. He lets you go and leaves.

“Where are you going?” you shout.

“To bed?” He looks at you incredulously.

“You’re such an asshole.”

He stops in his tracks, turning to face you.

“I’m the asshole? Me?” He cannot believe how bratty you are being. He also hates how turned on he is.

“Yes.” You stick your tongue out at him. That’s it, he says to himself. His eyes darken and he takes long strides back to you. He grabs hold of your forearm and pulls you into the alleyway beside your shared house. He cages you against the cold brick wall and all you can do is stare at him in bewilderment at his sudden actions.

“What the fuck are you doing, Y/n?” he growls. His anger sends a pleasant sensation through your body again.

“What?” you ask. Doe eyes on full display. He laughs and releases a hand from the wall to run through his hair. The smell of his shampoo invades your senses and you have to keep yourself from purring. Minho looks back at you, all amusement gone from his face. Goosebumps visibly spread across your skin.

“So were you just going to fuck everyone at the party until you got my attention?” Your mouth drops in surprise. He wasn’t…wrong, but you also weren’t expecting him to call you out. You look down at your shoes and shift on your feet. Minho grabs hold of your chin and forces you to look at him.

“You’ve got my attention now, princess. Are you happy?” You don’t answer. “What, no retort? You’re usually so opinionated.”

You try to look away again, but Minho keeps you in place.

“And what about you? You’re not so innocent.” Your voice shakes as you try to cling to a shred of your dignity.

“Me?” he asks.

“You were flirting with a few girls yourself!”

He takes a moment to think of who you could be talking about and realizes you mean Mel and Leah. It dawns on him in that moment that it was you he caught watching him on campus earlier in the week. He blinks a few times. “Is that why you were so misbehaved tonight? You were jealous?” You don’t know how to answer him. His eyes drop from yours to your lips. He gently moves his thumb over your bottom lip before slowly sliding it into your mouth. He watches you intently as you accept his digit and start sucking. You swirl your tongue around his finger, but he stops you when he pushes down on your tongue forcing your mouth open. He leans in and swipes his tongue across your own and you moan. He licks your mouth again before forcing your lips together. His hand drops from your chin and slides down to your waist. He takes in your lips fully. Minho’s other hand grips the back of your head pushing you further into your kiss. Your tongues wrestle for dominance, teeth clashing.

You grip the hair on the back of his head and tug, making him moan at the painful sensation. His moan vibrates through your mouth and down your spine. Minho takes his free hand and gently climbs your thigh and up to your waist. Goosebumps spread across your body from the touch of his hand. You have been craving this for weeks. He finds the band of your thong and snaps it against your hip. You both smile against each other’s lips as he pushes his tongue back into your mouth. He then traces the top of your panty line before slipping the tips of his fingers underneath the fabric. His fingers are cold in contrast to your warmth. He separates from your kiss and looks into your eyes for permission.

“Please,” you whisper. Still holding your gaze he slides his fingers down and through your folds. He collects your wetness and pulls out to admire his slick digits. You purr at the sight. He sticks his fingers in front of you. You take hold of his hand and push them fully into your mouth, tasting yourself. Minho swallows hard. There is only hunger in his eyes.

He grabs hold of your neck and crashes back into your lips so he can taste your arousal on his tongue. Minho’s hand returns to your panties and begins to trace circles around your clit.

“More,” you whisper into his mouth.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to demand, princess.”

“Please, Minho.”

“Better.” He pushes two fingers inside of you and begins to aggressively finger fuck you until you hear your wetness. You missed this feeling. He pants into your mouth as moans spill from your lips.

“You like the way my fingers feel inside you, baby?”

“Yes, Min, yes!”

“I fucking missed you, Y/n. Did you think of me?” He curls his fingers inside you and you cry out.

“Every day!”

You feel yourself about to come. “I’m so close, Min.” Minho removes his fingers from you leaving you empty. Your eyes fly open at the loss.

“Turn around.” You acquiesce and face the wall. “Hands on the wall.” You place your palms on the cold brick while Minho rustles through his pockets. He pulls out a condom and tears the packet with his teeth.

“Hurry up, Minho.” He gently slaps your ass and you yelp. “Patience, princess.” Minho slides the condom on and lifts the skirt of your dress. He gently rubs the skin of your cheek where he tapped you and gives it one more slap, this time harder. He pulls your thong down your legs and spits letting the string of saliva slowly fall onto you. He uses a finger to spread his spit through your folds, not that you need the extra lubrication.

“Minho, if you don’t stick your dick in me I am going to-” Minho tugs your hair pulling your ear to his lips.

“Never thought I’d see the day when you would be begging for my cock.” He slaps your pussy.

“God, I hate you,” you choke out. Minho just chuckles.

“Liar,” he whispers. Losing patience himself, he aligns his tip with your entrance and pushes in allowing your body a moment to adjust. After he bottoms out he pauses taking in the feeling.

“Fuck, Y/n, you feel amazing.” You can’t help, but preen. You’ve thought of nothing else than this moment.

“Minho, move!” you demand.

“Such a fucking brat.” He feels you clench on him. “Of course you’d like that, slut.” You clench again and he lets out a strangled moan at the sensation. He finally rolls into you and fireworks flash before your eyes. With absolutely no regard for your surroundings, Minho slams into you repeatedly. His hands grip your hips so hard, you’re certain he’ll leave bruises. You look forward to checking the damage in the morning. The heat begins to climb up your body as your orgasm approaches.

“Min” thrust “ho” thrust “I’m gonna” thrust “come ahhh!” He grabs hold of your mouth to muffle your screams as you cream on his cock. He looks down where the two of you are connected and groans seeing your come trickle down his dick and your legs. He continues to ride you through your orgasm before he finally grunts and releases. Remaining inside of you, he leans into your back and removes the hold on your mouth, gently sliding it down to your back and around to hold your breast. You place your hand on his as he gently massages you. You feel his warm breath on your back. The two of you remain holding each other against the wall until your breathing calms. After your high dissipates you pull away from him and turn around to push Minho off of you. He pulls off the condom, ties it off, and throws it into a bush. While he’s pulling his pants back up, you bend down to grab your thong.

“Leave them.”

“What?” You look at him confused.

“Those are mine now.”

You snort. “You’re kidding me, right?” He holds out his hand and motions for them. You throw them at his face, but he thwarts your efforts and quickly catches them, placing them in his pocket. You tug your dress down, feeling completely bare to the elements, and walk away.

“Good night, Minho.”

“So she does have manners.” Minho smiles expectantly.

“Crawl into a hole,” you say with a sickeningly sweet smile on your face.

“Sweet dreams, princess,” he blows you an air kiss. You bat his flying air kiss away dramatically. Minho just sighs and follows closely behind you to the front of the house.

“By the way, the girl you saw me with earlier is my dance partner, Mel.” You face him surprised at the sudden confession. He continues. “And the other girl is her girlfriend, Leah.”

“And I care because?” Feigning disinterest, you look at your nails. Minho says nothing back so you turn on your heel and leave. Minho shakes his head and laughs to himself.

Silently, the two of you head for your separate doors. He pauses at his entryway and waits for the sound of your door shutting. Once he hears your door close he goes inside the house wearing a smile he hasn’t been able to wipe away since meeting you.

MASTERLIST

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Tag List: @linocz @queenmea604

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mononijikayu · 8 days

Text

“go on caring for me.” — gojo satoru.

When Gojo Satoru first appeared at your doorstep, his usual confidence and easygoing demeanor were replaced by relief. The sight of him, with his usually covered eyes now piercing through you, almost made you crumble on the spot. Those cerulean blue eyes seemed to see right through the walls you had built around yourself, and the vulnerability you felt under his gaze only intensified your headache. You had tried to hide, to disappear into the shadows, but Satoru had found you nonetheless.

GENRE: post hidden - inventory arc (2010s)

WARNING/S: domesticity, fluff, angst, trauma, implied death, violence, romance, hurt/comfort, character death depiction of death, depictions of loss and depression, depiction of blood, depiction of killing, depiction of suffering, depiction of anxiety, mention of death, mention of grief, profanity, family drama;

LISTEN: fuyu no hanashi (orchestra version) by given

NOTE: reading kafka's letter to milena and thought about how genmei (you) had a life before gojo satoru and how that impacted you. this is not my regular writing schedule, but im just to broken up to stop. i feel like i imagine them too much in my head too. both of you loved someone at one point. but after they left you, your hearts broke and you're here for each other. because that's just who satoru is. he likes being genuine towards people he loves like that, as you are too, im sure <333

addendum: im very close to 500 followers, thank you!!! i love you all!!! but this means side 500 fanfic event — so i gotta write that soon!!! 🥹🫶

masterlist

u s and t h e m

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE FEVER OR IF IT WAS THE REALITY. But you never expected those cerulean blue eyes to stare at you like this — somehow it made your migraine worse. Satoru visiting you in your Kyoto apartment was both a surprise and a relief. You had been off the grid for months, grappling with a depressive breakdown triggered by Suguru's departure.

The flashbacks to similar traumatic events were vivid in your mind. You can never escape it. Stolen glances, tender kisses, warm hands marred with bloodshed, madness, grief; You never thought it would repeat again. But well, it did. And you were stuck. Memories from your youth had been relentless, leaving you isolated and vulnerable. And it didn’t help you that a god was messing with you, voice echoing so mockingly, so full of depravity that you couldn’t take it anymore. You didn’t want anyone to see you in that light. Not in that way.

Gakuganji had reassured you that you were fine — but you were sure he was only saying that because that’s what the higher ups say. He’s still an ass kisser, you know that much. You were also his favorite. One that is seen as the prestige of that world you had wanted to leave behind. And you hated it. You didn’t want it, not anymore.

You didn't know how Satoru found your secluded hideout, but he did. You had moved a few months prior, knowing Gakuganji would send Mei-Mei or Utahime at your door again. You’d told no one that you were here. But he was here. And you couldn't do anything about it.

When Satoru first appeared at your doorstep, his usual confidence and easygoing demeanor were replaced by relief. The sight of him, with his usually covered eyes now piercing through you, almost made you crumble on the spot.

Those cerulean blue eyes seemed to see right through the walls you had built around yourself, and the vulnerability you felt under his gaze only intensified your headache. You had tried to hide, to disappear into the shadows, but Satoru had found you nonetheless.

“How did you find me?” you croaked, your voice barely audible over the sound of your own pounding heart.

Satoru didn't answer immediately. Instead, he reached out and touched your forehead gently, his touch cool against your fevered skin. "You're burning up," he murmured, his voice filled with worry. “Genmei–senpai, how long have you been sick? Hey, don’t close your eyes yet!”

Before you could protest, the world went black.

When you woke up, the apartment was strangely quiet. The room was dimly lit, and you were lying on your couch, a cooling towel on your forehead. The faint smell of candy wrappers lingered in the air. You still feel too warm, but not like before. You supposed that he did his best. He couldn’t do a reversed cursed technique on you — your body’s a bit weak to do it. But he tried his best. That’s all that matters to you.

You turned your head slowly, and there he was, sitting on the floor beside the couch, his head resting near yours, watching over you with a look of pure concern. The figure of Gojo Satoru resting his head near you was quite something to wake up to. He must have been tired. He’s been on non-stop missions, you knew that much. Your fingers brushed against his hair. Your eyes softened more. He kept his promise, how he would never use Infinity against you.

The realization brought a mix of emotions. You hadn't felt this level of care since Kaiko's death. Memories of Kaiko flooded your mind, particularly the time during your second year when you walked home together. Namie was too sick then, she caught a cold after staying up late finishing a drama series. So in the end, Gakuganji just sent the two of you.

Somehow, she looked more beautiful in your memories. But you supposed that it's because you love, loved, her. Just as Satoru still longs Suguru, just as you long for Kaiko – there’s always going to be beauty in that longing — because it is love. It will always be love.

The sun was setting, casting a warm, golden hue over everything. The two of you walked side by side, the weight of the day slowly lifting as you chatted and laughed.

"If we ever break up," Kaiko had said, her tone surprisingly serious for a moment, "you should go on caring."

"Huh? Why'd you even think that we'd break up?"

"Dummy, it's just a hypothetical!"

You frowned at her. "I don't wanna joke about our romance ending like this, thank you very much."

"Boooo, you're no fun!" She gloats, making faces at you. "Come on, already. Indulge me once, lover! Please?"

You hated it, when she used her bright eyes against you.

But you loved her too much to say no, especially like this.

Somehow, after all this time, she just knows how to get you.

You had scoffed, nudging her playfully. "I'd go on caring for you, of course. You think I wouldn’t care about you, huh?”

Kaiko laughed, the sound light and full of life. "No, silly. I mean, you should move on and care for someone else. Love someone else."

You had paused, the weight of her words sinking in. The thought of moving on, of loving someone else, seemed impossible at the time. But Kaiko's eyes held a faraway look to them. Ever since you met her when you were children, it always feels like she was always far too much ahead of you.

You always wondered how she could be this mature for her age. How her smile was still so soft, encouraging despite all that had come past her by. Sometimes you wanted to ask her.

How she could be like that. How she could smile so beautifully, without reservation. But you didn't want to ask, not right now. You just wanted to love her. To enjoy her wonder, even from afar.

"Promise me, hm?" she had said, her voice gentle but firm. "Promise me you'll move on and find someone who makes you happy."

You had smiled back, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. "I promise." you had said, though at the time, you hadn't fully understood what that promise would come to mean. “Even if it was never going to happen.”

“Oh, how sure are you that you’re going to keep me, Zenin?”

“Just as sure you are, you'll keep me whipped, Kamo.”

“Ohhhhhh, we’ll see about that!”

Now, lying on your couch with Satoru watching over you in slumber, those words echoed in your mind. Kamo Kaiko had known, even then, that life would move forward, that love would find a way to heal the deepest wounds.

You could feel Satoru mumble against your touch, slowly moving against your fingers. It was as though he was asking you to do it again. As though asking you to be tender with him again.

You gazed at him, the soft rise and fall of his chest, the way his lips parted slightly as he slept. His presence was a balm to your weary soul, a reminder that even in the darkest times, there was light.

The way his fingers instinctively tightened around yours made your heart ache with a mixture of gratitude and something deeper, something you weren't quite ready to name yet.

"Satoru," you whispered, your voice barely audible, not wanting to wake him. His hair was tousled, a few strands falling over his forehead, and you couldn't resist the urge to gently brush them away. The simple act of touching him, of feeling the warmth of his skin, grounded you in a way nothing else could.

As you continued to watch him, memories of Kaiko's laughter and her encouraging words filled you with a renewed sense of purpose. She had wanted you to move on, to find happiness, and here was Satoru, offering you a chance to do just that.

The years of pain and isolation seemed to melt away, replaced by a fragile hope that maybe, just maybe, you could find solace in each other.

Satoru stirred slightly, his eyes fluttering open. For a moment, he looked disoriented, but then his gaze focused on you, and a slow, sleepy smile spread across his face.

"Hey." he murmured, his voice husky from sleep. "How are you feeling?"

You smiled back, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. "Better," you replied softly. "Thanks to your help.”

“You don’t have to thank me for anything.” He snickers to you, his dark glasses lowering to reveal more of his eyes. “I was around.”

“Hm, and how did you know where I was in Kyoto? And which building?”

His face turned flustered, a blush echoing on his cheeks. He rubs the back of his head. “It wasn’t that hard.”

Your face dropped. “Is that why you were more tired than you were? You used six-eyes to track where I was?”

“It’s not that bad, senpai! Really, you have a particular cursed energy–”

You flicked his forehead with your fingers, causing him to groan. “You could have messaged me, you idiot! It wasn’t worth getting a headache for, geez.”

You could see his lips turn into a pout, looking down as he rubbed his forehead. "…Is your number still the same?"

"Huh? Why would it change?" Your lilac eyes furrowed at him with confusion.

"......’uguru changed his."

You realized at that moment that you made a mistake. The weight of those words hung in the air between you, a poignant reminder of the deep chasm that Suguru's departure had carved into Satoru's life.

You felt guilt seep into you as you realize how stupid it was of you. Kaiko did the same thing. And you really had no one to help you reassure you about it. You couldn’t help but pierce your lips into a flat line.

Your eyes grew tender with apologies as you watched as he stared at the floor, his normally confident demeanor now clouded by an uncharacteristic vulnerability. It was a stark contrast to the confident sorcerer you were used to seeing, and it tugged at your heartstrings.

"Satoru…" you began, your voice softening as you reached out to gently lift his chin, forcing him to meet your gaze. "I'm not going anywhere. My number hasn't changed, and it never will. So call me, okay? Even if it's just about your new favorite mochi flavor. Tell me. Call me.”

“Genmei-senpai….”

“You're not alone. You never will be. So just, believe me, okay?”

He let out a shaky breath, one that he had surely been holding for far too long. You could see his cerulean eyes reflecting a myriad of emotions—pain, fear, and a glimmer of hope.

"It just… It feels like everything is changing. I don’t… I don’t like it, senpai. It’s like… like I'm losing everyone. Shoko’s leaving for medical school… and… Nanami’s leaving by the end of the year. I just… Where did it all go wrong?"

The raw vulnerability in his voice broke your heart. You had never seen him like this—so open, so human. It was a stark reminder that beneath his powerful exterior, Satoru was just as susceptible to pain and loss as anyone else.

Gojo Satoru always was like a little boy, he acted like one — a brat, as Shoko likes to say. But he had never looked more like it than he did now. Defeated, vulnerable. A boy who had lost everything that made him feel alive and now was longing for something to make him feel alive again.

"Satoru, you should know this but…." you said gently, moving closer to him, your hand finding his. "Life has a way of shifting, sometimes so subtly that we don't notice until it's too late. But it doesn't mean you're losing everyone. But it doesn’t mean you’ll be alone. Shoko and Nanami have their paths to follow, just as you have yours. It doesn't mean they care about you any less."

He squeezed your hand, as if drawing strength from your touch. "I know, but it still feels like everything is falling apart. Suguru… his choices... I thought we were in this together. I thought we’d always be together."

"I know," you whispered, your heart aching for the weight he carried. You thought like that too, at one point. You thought you and Kaiko would always be together. "But Suguru’s choices were his own, and they don't reflect on you. You did everything you could. So don’t blame yourself, hm?”

"But it wasn't enough," he replied, his voice breaking. "I couldn't save him."

You shook your head, gently placing your other hand on his cheek. "You can't save everyone, Satoru. No one can. We can only do our best and hope that it's enough."

His blue eyes searched your lilac ones, looking for the reassurance he so desperately needed. "But what if it's not? What if I can't protect the people I care about?"

"You can only do your best," you repeated softly. "And your best is more than enough. You're strong, and you're kind. And more than that, you have people who love you and want to help you carry the burden. You don't have to do it alone."

Satoru nodded slowly, his eyes closing as he leaned into your touch. "I don't want to lose anyone else, Genmei." he murmured, his voice barely audible. “I don’t….I don’t want to.”

"You won't." you promised, your voice steady and filled with conviction. "We're all still here. Shoko, Nanami, me… We’re here for you."

He took a deep breath, his grip on your hand tightening. "Thank you." he said, his voice a little stronger. "I just… I needed to hear that."

You shook your head, your fingers brushing away a stray tear that had escaped down his cheek. "You're not losing me." you said firmly. "I promised you that day, didn’t I? I’m not leaving.”

Satoru's lips twitched into a small, tentative smile, his eyes searching yours for reassurance. "Promise?"

"Promise," you replied without hesitation, your heart aching for the man who had always been a pillar of strength for so many, now struggling with his own inner turmoil.

He lifted his pinky finger, extending it towards you with a serious expression. "You have to make sure that it's a super promise, senpai."

You blinked at him for a moment, taking in the sight of the strongest sorcerer in the world making a pinky promise like a child. You couldn't help it; laughter bubbled up from within you, spilling out uncontrollably.

Satoru's face turned a deep shade of red, his usual confidence faltering as he became flustered. "Egh!? What's so funny, senpai? I thought that was our thing?"

You tried to stifle your laughter, but it was no use. "It's just... you’re such a boy, Satoru," you managed to say between giggles. "Here you are, all powerful and mighty, and yet you’re making pinky promises like we’re kids again."

He pouted, looking both embarrassed and indignant. "Hey, a promise is a promise! And pinky promises are unbreakable, you know."

You shook your head, still smiling. "I know, I know. It's just... it's endearing, that's all."

Satoru's pout softened into a shy smile. "Well, I'm glad you think so. So, are you gonna make the promise or not?"

You sighed dramatically, but linked your pinky finger with his. "Alright, alright. I promise, Satoru. A super promise."

He nodded, his expression growing more serious. "Good. Because I mean it, senpai. We’re going to get through this together."

You squeezed his pinky with yours. "We will. I promise."

For a moment, you both sat there, pinkies still linked, feeling the weight of the promise you had just made. It was a simple gesture, but it carried a depth of meaning that went beyond words. In that small, intimate moment, you both found a sense of solace and connection that was desperately needed.

His face slowly regained its usual mischievous glint. "You know, senpai, you laugh like that... it was nice to see."

You raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And why's that?"

"Because," he said, leaning in closer, "it means that there's still a bit of joy left in you, even after everything. And I want to see more of that."

You felt your cheeks warm at his words, but you couldn't deny the truth in them. Despite the pain and the struggles, there were still moments of light, moments of laughter. And as long as you had Satoru by your side, you knew there would be many more to come.

“You sound confident that you’ll keep bringing it out in me, Gojo?”

“Of course I am! I’m your most dependable kouhai, Zenin-senpai!” he responded playfully, causing you to laugh.

“Hm, but Nanami’s my most dependable kouhai. Maybe even Nobu-chan?”

“Oi, that’s not fair! I thought I was your favorite?”

You snickered at him, your eyes becoming teasing. “Since when did I say that? And what’s with the ‘oi’? Where’s my honorific too? You were saying senpai properly and then you became a brat again.”

Satoru pouted dramatically, his lower lip jutting out in a comically exaggerated fashion. "Hey, I deserve some leniency here! Besides, isn't it endearing when I'm a bit of a brat?"

You rolled your eyes, but a smile tugged at your lips. "Maybe a little," you conceded. "But only because it's you, Gojo."

He grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "I'll take that as a win. And you know, senpai, if Nanami and Nobu are your most dependable kouhai, then I'm definitely your most charming."

You laughed, shaking your head. "You're something, alright."

“Something amazing, you mean,” he corrected, his grin widening.

You sighed dramatically, feigning exasperation. "If only your humility matched your charm."

Satoru laughed, the sound rich and warm, filling the room with a sense of ease. "But then I wouldn't be Gojo Satoru, would I?"

"No, you wouldn't," you admitted, smiling. "And I suppose that's a good thing. Because the Gojo Satoru I know is pretty amazing just the way he is."

He blinked, a bit taken aback by your sincere words. For a moment, the playful banter was replaced by a genuine connection, an unspoken understanding that despite the teasing and the jokes, there was a deep bond between you.

"Thanks, senpai," he said softly, his eyes reflecting a mixture of gratitude and affection. "You know, you're pretty amazing too."

You felt your cheeks warm again, and you playfully nudged him. "Alright, enough with the flattery. Help me up, will you? I need to get some water."

Satoru immediately stood up and offered you his hand, his expression turning serious. "Of course, senpai. Anything you need."

“Medicine, I think I might need it from my medicinal cabinet.”

“Right away, senpai! Your charming, dependable kouhai to the rescue!”

“Oi, Satoru, don’t run off! You don’t know my house just yet!”

“AHHHHHH, HELP! SENPAI, THERE’S A SNAKE!”

“Satoru!?”

You didn’t know that you’ve been asleep for a while. You must have been exhausted. You tried to stay up long enough to wait for your husband. But with how early you had to wake up to get Tsumiki and Megumi up for school, you couldn’t really fault your body for shutting down itself to rest.

You didn’t hear the door but Satoru was just returning from a mission. You didn’t notice until his figure filled the wide expanse of your doorway. His bright blue eyes lit up when he saw you rouse awake, a soft smile playing on his lips.

"Welcome home, ’toru." you greeted him, your voice still weak but filled with warmth. You looked at the clock. It was midnight. You yawned. “You’re a bit early, hm?”

“Of course.” His voice rang out as he removed his shoes. “I wanna spend time with my wife, hm?”

“Shhh, don’t be too loud. Megumi and Tsumiki are still sleeping.” You say with your index finger on your lips.

Satoru's smile widened at you. When he moved closer, his presence was a soothing balm to your frazzled nerves. "How are you feeling?" he asked, his tone was a gentle whisper. He kissed your temple. “Got some rest now, hm? You worked hard, darling.”

"I’m alway good, because you’re here. " you replied, managing a small smile. "All thanks to my dearest husband.”

He shrugged nonchalantly, though you could see the relief in his eyes. "Couldn't leave you alone in such a state, could I? Besides, who else is going to eat all this candy?" He gestured to the candy bag with a playful smirk. “Got it on the way home. Thought you’d enjoy this with me!”

You chuckled softly, the sound feeling so good in your chest. "You really went all out, didn't you?"

"Only the best for me and the missus!" He kissed you loudly on your cheek, which made you laugh.

"Hey, I thought we were supposed to keep it down. The kids might wake up.”

“Hey, it's not my fault you kissed me like that. I’m ticklish!”

Satoru grinned, leaning back with a smug expression. "Ticklish, huh? Good to know for future reference."

You rolled your eyes, still smiling. "Great, now I've given you ammunition."

He laughed, the sound infectious. "Oh, you bet. I'll save it for when you least expect it."

You shook your head, but the warmth in your chest remained. "Seriously though, thank you, Satoru. For everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He softened, his teasing demeanor giving way to something more sincere. "Hey, you don’t have to thank me. We're in this together, remember? I’m not going anywhere."

You nodded, feeling a surge of gratitude. "Yeah, together."

Satoru’s eyes twinkled with a mixture of mischief and affection. "So, you gonna help me with this candy or what?"

"Fine, but you better not hog all the good ones," you said, reaching for the bag.

"No promises," he replied, grabbing a handful and plopping down beside you. As you both started unwrapping the sweets, the room filled with the crinkle of wrappers and the shared comfort of being together.

You took one more look at him and smiled.

If you meet Kaiko again, you wish you could tell her.

You wished she knew that you were happy again.

That you continued to go on and care for her too.

You found someone that could truly love you well.

epilogue

Morning sunlight filtered through the curtains, casting a soft glow over the living room. Tsumiki and Megumi tiptoed into space, rubbing sleep from their eyes. There was no school today, it was Sunday. But they still wake up early. The two were in contrast to the two of you — early birds.

When they stepped into the wide expanse of your home, they couldn’t help but stare. They felt like this was a new sight, one that they didn’t really see that much. They paused at the sight before them: you and Satoru, curled up together on the couch, wrapped in each other's arms. The sight was unusual, but it brought a sense of warmth and comfort to the room.

Megumi furrowed his brow, glancing at Tsumiki. "Should we wake them up?"

Tsumiki shook her head gently, a soft smile on her lips. "No, let them sleep. They look peaceful."

"But what about breakfast?" Megumi asked, still unsure.

Tsumiki pointed to the kitchen. "She prepared meals we could heat up. We should let them rest and enjoy their happy dreams."

Megumi nodded, finally agreeing. "Alright. Let's heat up the food and eat quietly."

The siblings moved silently, warming up the meals you had lovingly prepared the night before. The aroma of breakfast soon filled the air, but the sound was kept to a minimum to not disturb the two of you on the couch.

Tsumiki glanced over occasionally, watching the steady rise and fall of your breaths, the way Satoru's hand rested protectively over you. You tried to move slightly for a while, but Satoru would just keep following. Tsumiki laughed silently. You both look cute together.

"It's nice, isn't it?" Tsumiki whispered to Megumi as they sat at the table.

"What is?" Megumi replied, keeping his voice low.

"Seeing them happy. They both deserve it after everything," she said softly, taking a bite of her breakfast.

Megumi nodded slowly, understanding what Tsumiki meant. For a long time, life has been filled with uncertainties and hardships. But now, in this quiet morning moment, there was a glimpse of peace and happiness. The sight of you and Satoru finding solace in each other was a small, yet significant reminder that things could be better.

As they ate, Tsumiki couldn't help but feel a sense of hope for the future. Maybe, just maybe, things would continue to get better. And for now, she was content to let you both rest, wrapped in each other's arms, dreaming happy dreams.

As she ate another bite, Fushiguro Tsumiki hoped that you both will always be happy together. That you four will always be together, too. She looked at Megumi, who glanced at you both. She smiled. She knew he wishes the same things too.

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unicorncornflakes · 8 months

Text

Summer Isles - Modern!Aemond x Reader | Chapter 2

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Paring: Aemond Targaryen x Reader

Summary: After two years in the Summer Isles, Aemond returns from his international stay during his doctorate ready to be with the girl he left Westeros for.

Tags: Alternate Universe – Modern/ Setting Emotional Hurt/ Comfort/ Drama & Romance/ Eventual Smut.

Warnings: Not at this moment, maybe later :P This is the best I can write these days, sorry :(

General Tag-List (If you wanna be tagged in thi series or all of my work, let me know): @thedamewithabook @bluevxnus @hiddencurator @tempt-ress @watercolorskyy @tsujifreya @qyburnsghost

Tag-List for this series (If you wanna be tagged in thi series or all of my work, let me know): @snh96 @thetrueblackheart @zenka69 @darkenchantress

Author´s note: Pls, enjoy! Feedback, shares and comments are always welcome!

Word Count: 3.4K

Aemond returned to pay for a cigarette without having barely taken a couple of drags. It was the third cigarette that he put out discouraged at that party. He knew that some of Aegon's friends were trying to be nice, asking him how his time in the Summer Isles had been... trying to be nice, most of them, not all.

He had been terribly grateful for their attitude to all those who had ignored him. It was the best they could do. Especially when Aemond had tried, without much success, to smoke a quiet cigarette on the huge terrace of Aegon's new bachelor pad. Because that's what it was. It even had a swimming pool. The damn terrace had a pool that he was sure Aegon wouldn't use with just you.

He looked at the cigarette crushed against one of the flower pots on the terrace and leaned against the wall without much encouragement. He assumed you were supposed to be with Aegon. He hadn't seen you again all night and he regretted taking the first flight. He had only done it to impress you, as if that act of love could erase the fact that he hadn't texted to you in two years. He had been a terrible friend all that time. He had also been the friend in love and scorned.

“There is a terrace in Aegon's room too. I know how much it bothers you that you can't have a cigarette when you're stressed.” Helaena approached her brother and leaned against the same wall, looking at the sky. “I don't think it's going to take much longer for the fireworks to appear. After them, you can go home without looking rude” his sister smiled sweetly. Aemond prepared to enter the house again and go to Aegon's room, the same one that you would share with him that same night. “But, I know you're not here to see the fireworks.” Helaena looked back ahead, just after giving her brother a sideways glance.

“Hmm,” was all Aemond sighed as he walked back into the house. There he saw Aegon lying on a couch with a couple of his friends. There was not a single trace of you. Aemond had thought you would be at the party with him. Unnoticed, he tried to look for you with his one eye, but all he could find were drunk or high people. Maybe... you were in the bathroom, why wouldn't you be with your boyfriend on a night like that?

Aemond walked the entire hallway in silence. He took a cigarette from the barely opened package as he walked through it. All full of quite contemporary paintings. He thought his brother had finally learned to value that kind of thing, or surely it had been you. The one-eyed man knew that it was better to contribute for the second option. Aegon wasn't all that refined about that sort of thing, but you were. You always had been, that's why he had always thought you were the perfect girl for him.

He went to reach for the doorknob to Aegon's room when he heard barking inside. They were powerful, a big dog. “Shhh, Sunfyre, now, now. Stop” He heard your voice and Aemond flung open the door, almost worried that something was happening to you.

As soon as he opened the door, he found you on a pile of coats on top of Aegon's bed. A young Doberman puppy was jumping on top of you. Licking your face. He must have been almost a year old, but the youth of a young dog still shone in his eyes. He was almost as big as you and the dog could only wag his stump of a tail as he watched Aemond open the door. He ran towards the Targaryen.

“No, please, don't let him escape,” you squealed in amusement at Aemond and he only stopped you with a quick movement of his leg, closing the door behind him. "Thank you. I don't even want to think about having to chase him around the party again” you smiled as you grabbed the dog's leather collar and Aemond's heart just melted.

I'm in love with you. It was the only thing that was going through his mind, what he wanted to scream at you.

You continued grabbing the dog and locked him in the bathroom, leaving him jumping on the glass door of the bathroom. “He's always scared by fireworks,” you tried to smile while the dog filled the glass of the bathroom door with fog and drool. You sighed tiredly and looked at Aemond with a sweet half smile. “He destroyed your cigarette,” you laughed, pointing to the destroyed cigarette in his hand just as he had stopped the dog and he could only sigh as he took another one out of the package. “How come you're not at the party?” you told him as you turned and walked out the door to the small terrace of the bedroom. You simply sat down in one of the two chairs there and were grateful to stretch out while you loosened all the bones and muscles in your body after a long day of work.

“I need a quiet smoke” was all he told you as he took the zippo out of his front pocket and sat down next to you in the other chair. He took a couple of drags while the flame of that Zippo continued to feed the cigarette fire.

“You still have it,” you stated. It was not a question, but a statement. He handed you the old Zippo as he blew out the smoke from the last puff again. You bit your lower lip, suppressing a satisfied smile. That meant so much to you. You were amazed that Aemond still maintained something like that.

“Well, I have modified it slightly,” he confessed to you as you passed by the Targaryen shield engraved on one of the sides of the lighter. Your perfect fingers caressed him with great care while Aemond smiled pleased. “It was your father's fault that he started smoking. The least I could do was keep the lighter he gave me.”

“Yeah, sure, blame my dad for starting smoking,” you laughed. He resists you, precious, and Aemond felt his entire heart melt. How could you be so perfect? “He only left you the lighter because you had forgotten it at home,” you rolled your eyes in amusement, remembering that night in your own adolescence.

“And because of him that night I didn't stop smoking. If it hadn't been for that saint, that poor young man wouldn't have smoked a single cigarette that night."

A couple of days later, he had tried to return the lighter to your father. He never confessed it to you, but the man just looked at him with sympathy as he cleaned his hands after fixing one of Daemon's many cars. His personal mechanic, that was what his uncle had called him, and how he still was even in those days, although he was already close to retirement age. “Keep it, boy,” he smiled as he opened a beer during work hours in his workshop and offered it to Aemond, who rejected it with a polite wave of his hand. “I have many lighters. One more, one less, it's not going to make a difference,” he responded with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Yeah, but it's a Zippo,” Aemond said, almost embarrassed, when he offered it to him again. He knew they weren't cheap. Your family didn't have as much money as his. They would never have it. With his weekly allowance, he could buy four Zippos and still have money left over to take you out to dinner. Your father smiled tiredly and looked right at the entrance to the workshop. You were sitting on the sidewalk, watching the bikes, yours and Aemond's. Although your father knew that you were not a stupid girl. You had sent Aemond to return the lighter because you just wanted to know one thing.

“I liked the way she looked at you,” your father whispered in a knowing tone. Aemond looked at him strangely when he said those words and your father pointed his head at you. “I liked the way she looked at you when you wore it. Keep it,” he asked again as he returned to work. “But don't tell your uncle that I gave it to you,” he said as he crouched down to get under a car again. “It was a gift from him,” he added, but Aemond was no longer listening to anything your father said.

His heart was just pounding. He was then 17 years old. He was a couple of months older than you and couldn't believe your father's words. How had you looked at it? How? He couldn't stop turning that fantasy over in his head. And if… and if, were you interested in him too? As much as he was for you?

Your father heard him running in your direction and came out from under the car. He saw you both go together, pedaling. He knew that that afternoon you had agreed to see an exhibition at the cultural center of that small city. He took another sip of his beer. Fresh always came in better, but he couldn't stop looking at you.

That was the kind of boy he wanted for you. A boy with ambitions, studious, educated, who was looking to have a future. Aemond Targaryen was everything your father wanted for you, even though he had taken up smoking. We all had our flaws, but Aemond was perfect in your father's eyes and he had always found it cute how your cheeks would blush when you talked about him.

"How is he?" he asked you after a comfortable silence. You looked at him as if you didn't know what you were talking about. “Your father, I mean.”

"Oh, good. Great. Working hard, as always” you smiled at him as you leaned back in your chair. The truth was that your father had been terribly angry because Aegon had been late to his birthday party. You knew that he didn't like him, that neither of them really liked each other, but your father had tried to break the ice that existed in their icy relationship by finally inviting him to his birthday party. Aegon had shown up three hours later, relaxed and with a smile from ear to ear, as if provoking was always with him. Your father had asked you not to invite him to anything related to the family again. That was something you hadn't discussed with Aegon. You knew how it was going to be with your boyfriend and you knew that he would say again that all that was because he wasn't Aemond. Jealousy rarely came to the fore, but it always did in Aegon's relationship with your father. That was stupid. Your father didn't care who you dated, or so you thought.

“I should go see him to check the belt on the Mustang,” Aemond smiled at you and you smiled back shyly. Yes, that was just what your father needed to despise Aegon even more, knowing that Aemond was back. “Why aren’t you at the party?” He asked you sincerely while you curled up, taking off your shoes on the lounge chair that you considered your place on that small terrace.

“The truth is that I ended up terribly tired today,” you said without much encouragement, as if all your good humor had vanished, as if you didn't have to pretend that you were fine. That was Aemond's great magic. You didn't have to pretend. Sometimes it was stressful how much you pretended to be in Aegon's presence, as if his always carefree nature led you to it, as if you had to hide what you really felt for the sake of the relationship. “And I don't want to have to put up with Aegon's 'friends',” you confessed, as if not a single day had passed since you had last seen him. Because those were the great friendships, the ones that no matter how much time passed, you always spoke as if you had seen each other the day before.

“Yes, I thought I saw Cass Baratheon at the party,” Aemond laughed, taking a drag and you narrowed your eyes tired, but amused.

“I can't stand her. I've tried, but I can't stand it” you waved your arms and Aemond smiled.

“Don't worry, I can't stand Maris,” he responded with a shrug. He still remembered how she had laughed at his lack of manliness after the fight with Luke in their last year of high school.

"They are unbearable. Daddy’s girls” you replied, looking back up at the night sky and Aemond couldn’t stop looking at you. You were still as beautiful as when you were gone. Just as perfect. That conversation reminded him of the old days, when you were still nothing more than two kids who talked about the absurd things that happened to you in class.

Silence settled between you again. You were too tired to notice, but Aemond hadn't stopped looking at you for a single moment. He imagined that this was how he wanted to spend the rest of his days. With you. After a hard day of work, the two of them together. He saw you pass your hand over your cervical spine, grimacing painfully, but you stretched again. He finished his cigarette and in an irresponsible act threw it over the terrace. “Aemond!” You scolded him, almost amused, and he sat next to you in that armchair.

You never said anything, but the proximity of his body, in such an intimate context, made you feel slightly uncomfortable. But, it only made you feel that way, because you were dating Aegon and yet you were liking Aemond's proximity. You crossed your legs trying to find a new position in that chair and he just placed you against him. “Stand up straight,” he whispered to you and all the hair on your body stood up.

“Really, it's not necessary…” everything you were going to say died in a pleasant moan that escaped your lips as Aemond began to massage your neck. “Fuck…” you whispered under your breath and Aemond smiled again.

“I'm glad it wasn't necessary,” he responded while massaging a cervical spine that was terribly burdened by the stress accumulated over weeks. You continued to make little moans of pleasure which Aemond found adorable. That's what you needed, to be taken care of, to be pampered... and Aemond was back to do it. He had done a lot of reflecting during those two rather lonely years on the Summer Isles.

He saw the strap of your bra and slowly added it, as if he were trying to make you enjoy it. He licked his lips. He was going to kiss your bare shoulders first, then continue down your neck, and finally end up on your mouth. “Thank you for the massage. It was very good” you replied as you turned to look at him again, while you raised the strap of your bra back to your shoulders.

“Yes, it was good” he pursed his lips and looked at the ground again. He had to have been an asshole who had stayed silent while he imagined him kissing the neck of the girl of his dreams. “(Y/N), I…” he started saying. That was the moment. He couldn't put it off any longer. He did not want to. You were both alone at that party. It was like old times. Completely the same. What was stopping you from being together? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Aemond thought about Aegon, but he ignored you at best. He had thrown that party without thinking that you might be tired.

“Helaena told me that you have gotten a job at the University of King's Landing” you changed the subject and you could only see the disappointment on his face. You weren't prepared for what he wanted to confess. You weren't a stupid girl. But, Aemond had had his chance many years ago. He had only broken your heart by starting to date Alys, who was then your best friend, and after breaking up with her he, had run away to the summer islands, where he had not written you a single message, not once. You could tell what was going through his mind. You knew him well, or at least you had known him well before he went on that international stay that had lengthened the unspeakable. You didn't know if you were ready to hear I love you from his lips. Maybe you'd never be again. “I'm very happy that you are achieving everything you set out to do,” you smiled sincerely, because you were really happy that he was achieving what he had set out to do.

“Yes, it's a good position,” he whispered, as he took out a cigarette and lit it again. “I think that in three years I will be able to direct the History department,” he responded while settling down next to you in that chair that was clearly for only one person. You knew he was only saying that to impress you. Aemond's way of flirting had always been that, but you were with Aegon. You had chosen him two years ago. Just like Aemond had chosen Alys.

He grabbed your legs and lifted them onto his lap. Why had he had to choose Alys? Why? You would have been a great couple. You couldn't deny the chemistry that had always existed between the two of you. That simple conversation had reactivated it, as if you no longer knew what you wanted, because you didn't. You had never known it. “I guess… I'll look for an apartment in the city and drive to the university. It is not far. Only half an hour"

“You always wanted to return to the capital…” you said, not daring to look at him.

“There…there is someone who ties me to this place. For the only reason that I have returned after two years…” there was the confession. You didn't want to hear it. You couldn't hear it. Not now. Not when your whole world was crumbling around you, it almost seemed as if Aemond had waited for that moment to confess. At the moment when you were weakest and most vulnerable. "I…"

“Hey, I was looking for you, what are you two doing alone so far from the party?” Aegon just appeared there, still with a glass in his hand. He approached the two of you and you smiled at him, while Aemond thought of a thousand ways to kill him for that interruption. “You look beautiful,” he whispered to you as he grabbed the necklace Aemond had brought you. “Are you tired after work?” he whispered to you again, creating an intimate atmosphere in which Aemond was not invited.

“Yes, I'm quite tired,” you replied while he brushed his nose with yours, in a gesture that implied more tenderness than Aemond had imagined your relationship. He gave you several quick pecks. Kisses that made you laugh between each one of them. He whispered something to you that made you laugh, and Aemond began to feel uncomfortable, more and more.

“Oh, Aemond, Alys gave me my regards to you. I was shopping and I found her by chance” he said sounding completely innocent, but Aemond knew why he had said it, why he had said it right in front of you. As Aemond was about to answer, the first firework appeared in the sky and Aegon hugged your shoulders while you continued to sit. “I love fireworks,” he whispered and your heart sank.

You had never liked fireworks. They would never do it. Another exploded into the sky again and Aegon grabbed you tighter. While smiling. You didn't want to look at Aemond, but you knew he wasn't watching the fireworks. His head was very far away, almost as far away as yours.

But you both thought it wasn't fair. Aemond thought it wasn't fair for you to give your love to Aegon. You kept thinking that it wasn't fair that Aemond wanted to come back to confess something that you both had always known. Neither situation was fair to anyone. And in it, there were only losers.

#aemond x y/n #aemond targaryen x you #aemond smut #aemond targaryen smut #aemond targaryen modern au #aemond modern au #aemond targaryen x y/n #aemond targaryen x fem!reader #aemond targaryen imagine #aemond targaryen x reader

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beautifulplaceofyouth · 24 days

Text

JJK FF | ROYAL GUARD

CHAPTER TWELVE | SERIES

Ch. 1

Ch. 2

Ch. 3

Ch. 4

Ch. 5

Ch. 6

Ch. 7

Ch. 8

Ch. 9

Ch. 10

Ch. 11

Ch. 12

When you keep bumping into your personal royal guard by accident not knowing he is your guardian angel

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook!fallen angel!royal guard! × fem!reader!virgin!princess

Word count: 3.3k

Rating: 15+

Genre + warnings: Fluff, angst, paranormal romance, historical fanfiction, Kook being cold and mysterious, and just being his sexy self. Possessive over his princess. Some kissing scenes in public and in private. Also disappointed parents of Y/n, a little drama and preparations for marriage. The story isn't real, just my imagination running wild so just enjoy reading!

a/n: a little late again, sorry

As you were having breakfast in the big dining hall, you heard loud shouts from outside the big doors.

Frowning, you set aside the cup of coffee you were just holding and asked the nearest servant," What's that noise?"

Since Jungkook left for his morning training and territory duties and checking if there's no more trespassers in the palace, you were left alone with nothing to do so first thing you did when you woke up was take a shower and came down for breakfast.

Expecting an answer from the servant, it was the guard who replied. He was a fallen angel like Jungkook and he looked at you from his post.

"You don't need to worry about that, my lady. His majesty ordered us to keep watch on all entrances and exits. That's what we're here for anyway" he said with a slight tilt of his head like he was also trying to listen what is going on.

Confused, the shouts got louder before someone banged against the big door.

"Let me in this instant! There is my daughter!" Your father's voice echoed through the palace with your eyes wide.

"Please, my baby is there!" Your mother yelled as you stood still in shock before the servant ran out, looking frantic. You couldn't believe you just heard those voices right now.

The guard looked at you worriedly but didn't say anything. The only thing that he could do was stand by his post while waiting for further instructions. "What should I tell his majesty?"

Before you can speak, the doors swung open to reveal your dear father and mother in royal attire. They were first who rushed inside the dining hall with the company of other guards behind them.

As you watched your parents looking so worried, you felt relieved that they are safe and sound. No vampires have attacked them but you didn't know how is that possible that they are here, in the Jungkook's kingdom.

Once they saw you, your father's eyes lit up with relief before he ran toward you, "My daughter" he whispered to you before crushing you in a tight hug.

You hugged him back tightly. He then let go to hold your cheeks so he could study your face in awe before speaking again.

"How long has it been since I last seen you?" Your father asked with teary eyes, a smile plastered on his face.

Feeling confused by all the questions, you said with a smile, "It's not like I didn't see you every day...but why are you here and not at home?" Then after realizing what you said, you quickly added,"Oh, right. I forgot. The vampires."

"Are you all right, honey?" Your mother joined in the conversation, her eyes full of concern.

Since she was never around and only traveling on business trips, you felt weird about her being so worried but you didn't dwell on it too much. The important thing was that your parents are alive.

"How come you're here? Isn't this place hidden from humans?" You asked with confusion.

Your father simply smiled and took your hands in his," It doesn't matter now. Vampires had been terminated from our land and it is safe to go back home. We just wanted to retrieve you ourselves so no harm is done to you and,-" stopping mid sentence, he looks down at your neck like he just saw something strange," What's that collar around your neck?" Your father pointed to your inked mark necklace which appeared when Jungkook marked you.

"Umm, well -" you started to stutter, feeling shy and embarrassed to explain such a sensitive situation, especially to your parents, when you suddenly heard someone coming inside the dining room with heavy footsteps.

Looking over your father's shoulder, your eyes brightened when your gaze met the eyes of your king. Dressed in his armor, his hair combed back neatly, he looked dangerously attractive when he approached.

Without his wings, he looked like a deadly predator who walked with a purpose ready to attack if necessary.

"Your majesty. Sorry for delay, I wanted to check the palace grounds for any intruders before we come inside but I see you've already met with your daughter," his low voice creates goosebumps on your skin when he walks even more closer.

"Yes and it looks that you kept your promise as she looks fine and well but I think it's time to go home now. It will be best for her if she stays with us before,-" before your father could finish, a hand grabbed your chin before pulling you into a chaste kiss.

Your eyes widened in surprise as your king crushed you to his metal chest, not even noticing him stepping in front of you since your parents were standing in the way.

"What are you doing?!" Your father shouted and wanted to push Jungkook away from you but is stopped by some unseen force when you finally got to breathe after the kiss your king pulled.

"Did you miss me, darling?" Your soon to be husband grinned when he caressed your jaw lovingly," Sorry to keep you waiting. Hope you had fun without me," smirking, he left another kiss but this time on your cheek.

Smiling at your flushed face, he turned to look at your father then, his eyes going back to black," She is staying with me and we are having a wedding today so don't interfere. She is safe under my care and we both agree on marrying. If you insist otherwise, I will not hesitate to kill you. I want her by my side so don't test my patience."

Your father still couldn't move but that didn't stop him from protesting," We didn't agree on this! "

"If you don't like this arrangement, then leave now. And it has to be today. We have no choice because the vampire attacks are becoming worse."

"We made a deal that you will marry her when she turns twenty one, till then she lives with her parents. She has responsibilities to hold in her own kingdom! Are you not aware that you're forcing her now? I'm sure you've not even asked her and told her your plan, it's complete nonsense!" Your father tried reasoning his point of view as he shook his head with disbelief.

Jungkook sighed in annoyance," I played nice and let you see your daughter so don't try to stop this. She already has bonded with me," As to prove a point, he kisses your neck and the collar starts pulsing and glowing in blue light, causing a wave of magic that makes you gasp out loud.

"That's her answer. You can choose not to support us now or later. But I won't wait anymore. My time is short and I must make her mine immediately."

"Y/n? Are you really going with this? He's not abusing you, isn't he?" Your mother hesitated to ask.

Feeling anger bubble inside you, it was like switch turned off when you hear them judge him so harshly," Yes, I will marry him. He is the one who has always protected me and always will so don't you ever think about taking him away from me."

"But he could hurt you! He is not even human! How could you even accept an offer like this!?" Your mother screamed at you before turning to your father," Your daughter doesn't even listens to us anymore. Do something!"

"I think she made up her mind already and I want to know only one thing, Y/n. Do you really love him?" Your father asked as he held your hands in his.

Nodding your head yes without hesitation, you look straight at your father," Yes I love him with everything I have. He has protected me and brought me into his home and he is the first person who truly cares about me. That's why I chose to stay here with him."

Turning to Jungkook, he looks even more hungry after hearing your confession.

Pulling you to him, his eyes glow from the emotions coursing through him and his words become husky," This is why I will marry her. No one ever will take her from me again."

"And when do you intend to get married? There needs to be a ceremony in the palace so we might as well start the preparations now." Your mother suggested.

"Let's just start immediately," Jungkook spoke, cutting your parents off before anyone can say anything else.

Your father looks at him with shock written on his face," Right away? Just like that? But preparations,-"

"Are not necessary," Jungkook cut him off again," That's why you're here. You will be our witnesses to our marriage if you wish to participate. If not, my guards will gladly escort you out but you don't want your daughter sad or disappointed, right?"

With that your father nods in defeat.

The dress was tight enough for the top of your shoulders to show a little bit of your pale skin. It was also sleeveless and a very thin layer of material that covered your arms and neck.

The dress was decorated with tiny crystals hanging from the straps that attached to the gown with delicate jewels scattered throughout. It was beautiful nonetheless.

"Can I do your makeup, your highness?" A maid asks you.

When you nod, you watch as she takes some powder, lipstick and blush to put on your rosy cheeks while you sit patiently on a chair.

You were afraid that your hair would have gotten messy during the process but the maids reassured you that you shouldn't worry since their hands were as gentle as they could be.

Once finished dressing your hair, the maid carefully brushes your long hair, careful not to mess it up until your hair falls naturally onto your face. You look pretty and beautiful in your new dress.

Once the maid finishes styling your hair, she gives you the mirror," I hope you feel satisfied your highness. The color suits you so well."

"I think so too," you smile at her softly and then your smile drops when your mother walks inside your chambers and smiles warmly at you.

"How are you sweetheart? You look beautiful in that dress," She compliments you softly.

You turn your head away from her," Thanks, mother," trying not to frown at her kind words, your mother seems to notice how unhappy you were about something.

"What's wrong?" Her eyebrows furrow together in confusion.

"It's just that...." Your eyes started watering again.

You wanted to tell her everything but you knew that she wouldn't really care. She never was around in the palace when you grew up. She only came back from her trips once or twice a year which was the reason why you barely saw each other.

Her visits meant nothing but now, you realized that you missed the feeling of being around her more than you had thought.

"I just...," not knowing how to say it, your mother sits next to you on a chair, pity in her gaze.

"Is it his majesty? You're not happy with him? It's not too late to back out and you can come with us home. It would be better if,-"

"No! It's nothing like that! I love him! " Your voice gets louder as tears started falling faster down your face.

Your mother looked surprised at first, unsure about how to react," You love him?"

You nodded your head," I've loved him since forever. Since the moment I met him, I've been fascinated by him. But I didn't realize what' i felt when I became attracted to him. When he kissed me, when he smiled at me, the feelings intensified. Then I fell in love with him and I couldn't imagine my life without him. So please, help me, mom. Tell dad to back down from his stupid demands but promise that you'll support me in getting married today!"

"Why wouldn't I support you?"

"You've never been by my side when I needed to make my own decisions. It was my father who always made sure I was okay so of course I'm asking you for support. You owe me that much, mother.”

She sighed deeply," I really don't agree with this agreement though. I want you to choose someone better than this man, someone worthy of you. Someone who can give you the happiness you deserve. He may seem handsome and caring yet deep down inside he has selfish desires and he's just using you. Your father didn't told you that he is trying to go back to heaven once he proves himself worthy, did he?"

Confused, you frown at her," He said something about proving himself to the higher angels once he is done building his kingdom here but he never said anything about going back to heaven. I'm sure you've misunderstood something,"

"I think he's planning to betray you, Y/n."

"What?"

"He said that once he finds proof that he is worthy, he will return to heaven. So I advise for you to think before you jump into this marriage,"

"There's no point in thinking about it. Even if he does find proofs against him, he'll still come back to me anyway. He loves me more than any single word ever written. We are perfect together, mom. Everything about our story is true," you argue with her.

Smiling sadly at you, your mother shook her head," I'm sorry my dear. Maybe you'll understand someday in time but don't you think that marrying this man is a huge mistake?"

"No. I've already made the decision long ago. I've chosen him and no matter what happens later, we will get through it together so stop trying to stop me."

"But you're the heir to the throne! You have responsibilities and people to think of! You can't leave your kingdom behind because of one selfish man. Think about your future! What's going to happen to us if you decide to marry him and there is no one who continues to run the kingdom?!"

"Mom," You whisper.

Sighing heavily, your mother runs her fingers through her curly hair. "Just, please think about this seriously. Don't do this. Please, please reconsider." With these last words, she got up from her seat and leaves your chambers.

Closing your door quietly behind her, the maid who was doing your makeup comes back inside since she left so you can talk to your mother in private.

"What happened to your eyes, your highness? Were you crying?"

"It's nothing. My mother and I had a disagreement over something. She doesn't believe in marriage so I think I'm free to decide what will happen to our kingdoms once I am married," You smile at her, hoping it would ease her worries, but she simply shakes her head and goes back to applying makeup to you.

When she finishes, she dismisses herself with a bow and lets you know that everyone has gathered in the throne room for the ceremony. Thanking her, you let yourself breathe for a moment before you walk out yourself.

Trying to calm your nerves, the sudden sensation over your shoulder makes you shiver and you glance over to see Jungkook standing by the window.

"When did you get here?" You ask nervously.

Then you notice his royal suit for the ceremony.

Completely black but for the white cape that hangs loosely on his shoulders which is strapped by shiny black gem stones.

His expression is unreadable as he stares at you. His hands are tucked behind his back and he is leaning against the wall besides the window.

"A couple minutes ago," He answers simply.

Taking another deep breath, you lower your gaze and try to control your nerves.

"Uh-it's a bad sign if you see the bride before the wedding," You joke as you laugh humorlessly, your heart rate picking up the pace.

"Oh yeah?" He asks with interest.

You swallow hard. "Yeah. That means we're going to fight."

Jungkook raises an eyebrow as he tries to hold back a grin," Is that so?" He says playfully.

"Mhm," You answer nodding your head, agreeing with whatever he says even though you weren't sure anymore.

Your conversation with mother still clouded your mind and you were afraid to speak again about something related to it. After taking a few more deep breaths, you decide to bring up the topic.

"So...," You clear your throat, trying not to stutter." When did you really came inside? I would've seen you because I was only here with one of your maids. She helped me dress up."

"Oh? I thought saw your mother walking out of our bedroom."

Waiting for you to deny, you nodded your head," Yes, she was here."

"What did you two talk about?"

"Nothing important." You lie.

He walks closer to you, making you feel nervous all of the sudden. You could smell his strong cologne as he leans in, staring intensely at you.

His eyes seem to stare into your soul as you try to not hover in place.

"Lying doesn't suit you, princess." He flashes his teeth in a sharp smile.

"What makes you say that?" You ask sarcastically.

He smiles even wider," I heard every word your mother told you. About how she doesn't approve our marriage, our relationship and that I'm just using you to my own benefit."

"H-how?" You manage to utter as you blink twice, not knowing how even he knew that.

"I know everything, love. " He takes a step back.

You shake your head in disbelief," How is this possible? Are you able to spy on people from outside their walls? Does it have to do with your magic or special hearing?"

"Both of them, darling," He chuckles.

"How..?"

Jungkook shrugs," Because I'm a guardian angel. There aren't many things I don't know or couldn't find out about someone who's supposed to be my queen. I'm a protector,"

"So you can read my mind too?"

"No, I can't read minds. But I've known you for years to know what you think and right now you are thinking about if that's true what your mother said."

"You mean about that you're going to heaven after you prove yourself to the higher angels?" You question as you look at him with uncertainty.

He smiles," Are you scared that I will leave you?"

"No," you say immediately, shaking your head with conviction." No, never."

"I'm glad. The longer that I spend with you, the easier it is for me to believe that the universe decided to pair you with me. I know for a fact you wouldn't survive without me, especially when our souls are connected. Our souls are linked. That means if something bad ever happens to either of us then the other will die along with the person."

"We're already bonded, Jungkook. It's impossible for something bad to happen. We'll figure this out together."

Nodding his head at you, he replies," We will. And don't worry about your mother. If she believes we should break up, I'll take care of it. As long as you're happy and safe with me. As long as I'm around you. No one can separate you from me. Trust me," He whispers, placing his hand on your cheek softly.

You nod your head as tears begin to fall down your face. "Thank you. I love you. I really do,"

Pulling you close to him, he hugs you tightly, whispering to your ear," I really do, too." Kissing your neck lightly he adds," Now come on, let's go before they think we're late so lets get married, shall we?"

"Wait, Jungkook," you grab his sleeve," You didn't say anything about my dress."

The corners of his lips tug upward," You look beautiful."

"You think so?" You blush lightly.

"Of course," He says, his voice dropping low and sending chills down your spine.

"Now come on, princess, I'll take good care of you so that you'll never forget."

Smiling shyly, you follow him out of the room.

Be continued…

p.s. All images and gifs are not mine, some of the edits are mine edited but not every picture. All the credit goes to their rightful owners

DO NOT REPOST THIS WORK AS YOUR OWN BECAUSE THIS IS THE ORIGINAL OWNER’S STORY

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Taglist: @lepau123 @the-princess-of-mischief-1998 @11thenightwemet11 @khadeeeeej (If you want to be tagged, please message me)

#bts #jungkook #jungkook fanfic #bts fanfction #jungkook smut #bts fluff #fallen angel #historical romantic fiction #royal guard #virgin princess #guardian angel #kpop fiction

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tiniedemon · 1 year

Text

— ♡

comforting after a breakup headcanons

main 4 / reader (platonic)

— ♡

cw | suicide jokes, mentions of violence

stan

— has no fucking clue what to do when you show up on his doorstep bawling your eyes out

— just awkwardly lets you cry on him

— “what’s wrong?” “i just got dumped” “damn that’s tough” “STANLEY”

— offers you booze

— absolutely lets you have aux

— turns into the messiest bitch the second you spill about what happened

— *dramatic gasp* “oh my gosh they didn’t” “no fucking way are you so fr right now”

kyle

— immediately guesses what happened

— “you got dumped didn’t you?” “how’d you know ☹️” “you look like you’ve been listening to olivia rodrigo”

— lets you cry against him

— only responds when he gets the full story

— “i’m so sorry sweetheart. what can i do?”

— super duper supportive

— anything you say goes & i really do mean anything

— “can we key their car pls 🥺” “i’ll call the guys kenny has ski masks”

kenny

— hugs you the second he sees the tears

— puts a blunt in your hand and lights it while you rant about what happened

— matches your energy 100% to the extreme

— “i fucking hate them!” “yeah what a fucking douche canoe!” “oh but i loved them so much” “ugh me too i really thought it was meant to be”

— gets your mind off it by asking a stupid stoned question

— will not stop rambling about his sudden high revelations until you’re dying laughing

— offers to slash their tires but won’t actually do it unless you agree

eric

— closes the door in your face

— only opens it when you knock again

— lets you in but has a major attitude about it

— “what is it this time? did your little s/o cheat on you? ……… wait they did?”

— laughs for a solid two minutes about it

— gives you movie pick privileges

— “you can pick the movie this time but i swear to god y/n if you pick some dumbass romance movie i’m killing myself”

— shares his snacks but only if you go get them

— lets you fill him in on all the drama and then makes a whole plan on how he’ll get revenge

— “…. i’m just saying if we paralyze them they can’t fuck other bitches” “eric… no….”

#south park x reader #kyle broflovski x reader #stan marsh x reader #kenny mcormick x reader #eric cartman x reader

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e-vay · 2 months

Note

Hello! I'm a Brazilian fan and I love your work so much! Congratulations on that! I'd like to ask you what's the best Sonamy fanfic you've ever read and what's the best you've ever done in your opinion? It's okay if it's in English and I'm sorry if I wrote something wrong, I'm still not a professional in the language ❤️

I get a lot of fanfic questions so I figured I'd lump them all together here. Also, @blsantos your English is great, please don't apologize :) Honestly, some of the best fanfics I've ever read are sent to me as recommendations anonymously. So please, always send me your recs!

On that note, I want to specifically send 1,000 kisses to the anon above who recommended "I Love You - Come With Me" by @molinaskies

"I Love You - Come With Me" by @molinaskies was one of those stories where I wasn't sure what to expect, but as soon as I started reading it I PHYSICALLY COULD NOT STOP until I finished it. It has not only romantic love but self love. It's healing and cathartic. The author nailed the intricacies of Sonic's and Amy's characters.

"Subliminal" by @maddiebat takes place post-Sonic Frontiers and ahhh it just makes my heart explode. I can see this fic actually happening in canon! It will pull on your heart strings, I guarantee it.

"Late Night Talks" by @luescris takes place during the Metal Virus arc of the IDW comics. I haven't read the comics yet but I was aware of that arc enough for this story to make sense. I loooooove touch-starved themes and this fic really hit it outta the park!

"Birthday Surprise" by Shteph is a BLAST! It's a one-shot but it is filled with tons of great moments and humor and romance. There are scenes in this fic that legitimately gave me butterflies and had me kicking my feet and squealing 🥰

If you haven't read "What Was Stolen" by @beeextraordinary123 you are DEPRIVING YOURSELF! For the love of all that is good, go read it! If you aren't aware of it, it's an AU where Amy is a princess who meets a dashing blue thief 😉 It's full of all the delicious angst you could ever want with tons of romance and fantastic character exploration. I've physically sobbed over this story.

If you're looking for something short and sweet, check out "Late Night Texts" by @paddy-nic. It's one of those stories that gives me second-hand giddyness.

These are just some of the fics that have been on my mind recently and I hope you enjoy them as much as I have! And again, please always send me recommendations. I'm always looking for good sonamy fics. I live and breathe for these cotton-candy dorks.

As far as my own fics, I write a lot but I don't post much of what I've written. Of the fics I have posted so far, my favorite is Bubbles and Blush. There's no drama, it's just slice of life with pre-established sonamy and LOTS of lovin'. I had a whole lotta fun with that one!

Also for those interested, I am on AO3!

#ask me #evayQA #sonic trash #fanfiction #fanfics #fanfic #recommendations #recommendation #fanfic recs #fanfic recommendations #sonamy

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astayinwonderland · 8 months

Text

Silk and Fire - Chapter 1

Read more about the series and find updates here (;

pairing: namjoon x f.reader x jungkook

guest starring: jin, yoongi, hoseok

genre: romance | drama | smut +18 MDNI

summary: it's your best friend's engagement party and you agree to meet everyone at the venue. however, you end up running late and in danger. fortunately, someone's there to offer a helping hand... or hands.

status: ongoing

warnings: mentions of anxiety

wc: 1.7k words

a/n: this is pure ✨fiction✨

do not copy or translate

“Babe, you’ll look amazing no matter what you wear,” Namjoon puts his book down to look at you. “I love that dress on you,” he smiles, dimples showing.

“You’ve said the same thing about the last six outfits I’ve tried on,” you laugh.

“I am just being honest”.

Namjoon leaves his comfy reading chair and walks over to your figure. You stand in front of the mirror and stand on your tippy toes mimicking how you would look in heels. Strong arms hug you from behind, and he buries his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent. Namjoon has been quite busy with work lately and in moments like this he wishes he could whisk you away and take you somewhere secluded, nice, romantic, where only the two of you existed. But alas, this wasn’t that day.

In a couple of hours, you two would be at your best friend’s engagement party, who would have thought she would be the marrying kind after all? Everyone would be there, including the one friend you have never met in person. You are quite excited to meet him finally, he has been travelling around the world for the past year, and in your eight months of dating Namjoon, all the group of friends can talk about is how much they miss their group of 7.

“You smell so good, you always do,” Namjoon whispers and plants a kiss on your soft skin.

You run your fingers through his hair in an attempt to make time go still, but your eyes catch the clock by your nightstand and you jump.

“Fuck, Joon! Look at the time. I have to go to the salon, the dry cleaners, go get my shoes…”

Namjoon laughs at the way you rush around your shared house, he asked you to move in while you celebrated your 7th month together. The question came abruptly out of his mouth, but it felt right. He knew you were very special from the moment he laid eyes on you. Your looks are breathtaking for sure, but Namjoon felt an intense attraction to you because of your energy and intellect. You are sharp and smart, in a very different way than he is, and that makes him head over heels for you.

“Alright, alright… Sure you don’t want me to pick you up and get there together?”

“The salon is right across the venue, I’ll walk there once I’m done. Don’t worry, love,” you smile at him.

You should have listened to your boyfriend. You should have. Honestly, at least if he were here, you would not feel this stress. It is 7:30 p.m., and you should already be at the venue calming your best friend’s nerves. You are the maid of honour after all. But things went south from the moment the dry cleaners didn’t have your dress ready and you were far behind with your hair.

“Please just do whatever… the easiest thing. Anything! I really need to go,” you beg at the stylist, and even though she does try, your anxiety isn’t going anywhere.

By the time you finish, it’s 8:02 p.m. Your bestie sends you text after text.

Where the fuck are you?

Are you close?

Hello!????

I’m freaking out please, are you ok?

You feel too guilty and anxious to give a full explanation so you just text her one sentence.

I’ll be there in 5.

You quickly make your way out of the salon and cross the street. The night is a bit cold and windy, your cheeks hurt a little from the cool air brushing against your face. You run in your heels praying you don’t twist your ankle. As you try to look for your lipstick in your clutch, you find yourself already a few steps away from the hotel door. The revolving door activates as you step in but it stops, leaving a small space open between the glass and the entrance.

“Fuck!” you bang on the door to try and move it, but nothing happens.

A muffled voice comes from the outside. You turn around to find a cheeky smile, lip piercing, and big doe eyes looking right into yours.

“What?” your voice is louder than usual since you can’t hear him properly.

His face now comes closer to the reduced space between the glass and the entrance.

“You need to step back.”

You try to move but it seems pointless and your anxiety peaks when it dawns on you that you may be trapped here for a long time. Your breath is heavy and your palms start to sweat. Hell, your vision is blurry. The man watches you lose it in a matter of seconds, and he would be damned if he didn’t do something about it. Somehow, his large frame squeezed through the little space left, catching you before you fell to your knees.

“Darling, if you are going to get on your knees for me it better not be like this.”

You try to focus your eyes on the man that helps you stand. Your face leaning against his crisp white shirt, makeup transferring a little bit onto it.

“Are you okay?”

And now you get a closer look. His long dark hair falls graciously on his forehead and temples, the rest of it framing his beautiful face. It is a mystery how he squeezed in with those broad shoulders and big arms. Those same arms holding you in place.

“Breathe,” he gives you a warm smile.

So you breathe and try to pull yourself together, but his hands reach your waist and pull you against him. A gasp leaves your lips.

“See?” he points at a tiny red dot near the door. “That’s a sensor, if you stand up too close you might get stuck. You just need to move a little bit–” and he pulls you even closer to him, his hips slightly gracing your body. “--back,” and that does the trick.

Finally the door moves. Just as hotel employees are coming to your rescue.

“It’s okay, I'm fine!” you yell running to the elevator.

The man calmly walks after you and watches you desperately run.

“Thank you!” you yell.

Elegance. Poise. Charm. Love.

You find yourself in a small but beautiful space where ivory and gold decorate the room and the chandeliers shimmered light delicately down to the guests. You spot your best friend and her fiancé across the room. Luckily your little meltdown didn’t completely ruin your hair, so you make your way in saying your polite ‘hellos’ and hoping she doesn’t kill you for being this late.

“You look beautiful,” you hug her.

“What the fuck happened?” you can see worry in her eyes.

“The question is, what didn’t happen? Everything went wrong today, I’ll tell you later.”

“She was about to call the police and put together a search party in order to find you.”

You look at the man who your best friend decided to marry. Min Yoongi is no ordinary man. He is respectable, admirable, handsome, and the most important thing, he is husband material and perfect for Camille. He loves her dearly, erasing past traumas and filling her with acceptance and reassurance. You couldn’t be happier for them.

“I was not going to call the police, Yoongi,” she rolls her eyes.

“Yes she was,” he gives her the fondest of smiles and kisses her temple. His PDA is rare, but when it happens it is from the heart and that makes you long for the perfect man for you.

“Where is he?” you say scanning the room, and then your eyes meet his. “Please excuse me for a minute…”

Namjoon smiles as he sees you. Black shirt neatly tucked into his gray pants. His black hair parted to the side. He makes his way to you and you to him, meeting him in a tight embrace that seems to cure all your anxiety.

“I’m glad you’re finally here,” he gives you a peck on the lips. “Missed you,”

“And I missed you too!” even though you don’t see him you know it’s Hoseok behind you. You give him a tight hug. To be honest you missed hanging with Namjoon’s friends as well. They bring a certain spark to all gatherings that is hard to match.

Namjoon gives you a quizzical look.

“The dry cleaners didn’t have the dress ready on time, then my hair appointment was delayed an hour and a half, and on top of everything I got stuck in the stupid revolving doors,”

“No way…” and the most boisterous laugh you’ve ever heard in your life comes from one of the most handsome faces you’ve seen in your life.

“It did happen, Jin,”

“If it was going to happen to someone it had to happen to you,” he sweetly kissed both of your cheeks.

“Have you seen Jungkook yet?” Hoseok asks, elegantly holding a champagne flute.

“Oh is he here yet?” you ask intrigued, excited even.

“You know he likes a big entrance,” Jin adds.

Namjoon then offers to get you a drink which you accept. You stay with Jin and Hoseok making casual conversation, but you spot your saviour in the small crowd. What is ‘revolving door guy’ doing here? You excuse yourself and make your way to him, saying hello to Camille’s family as you cross the room. His doe eyes open wide and his lips curve in a smile.

“You are here,” he says.

“Yes. Why are you here? Are you following me or something?” you whisper, confused.

“Maybe I am,” he smirks and takes a sip of his neat whiskey.

“I’m okay, no need to check on me,” you do your best to smile and reassure him you are doing just fine. “Thank you, again.”

“Okay… I won’t check on you, but I will check you out,” and there’s that cheeky smile again.

Shock.

“Excuse me?”

“There you are!” Namjoon hands you a glass of white wine and puts his hand around your waist. “Ah! I see you finally met each other.”

Your eyes go from your man to ‘revolving door guy’ and back to your man.

“Babe, this is Jeon Jungkook.”

#kpop smut #kpop fanfic #kpop series #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts scenarios #jungkook imagines #jungkook scenarios #jungkook smut #namjoon smut #namjoon imagine #namjoon scenarios #bts x reader #namjoon x reader #jungkook x reader #bts imagines #bts series #astayinwonderland

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queenmea604 · 10 months

Text

➪➪➪ Title : Ours Love

➪➪➪ Pairing : Werewolf!Skz x human!F!reader

➪➪➪ Genre : Romance, fluff, angst, smut & poly relationship, fantasy

➪➪➪ Word Count : 3.9k

➪➪➪ Warning : MDI!!

➪➪➪ Synopsis

Masterlist Next

Let me know if taglist not working, I will try fix it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 1

Y/n pov

You thanked the people who moved your stuff to your new house in the middle of a forest because you like nature, and the way to town is also very easy for you, so you don't have to worry about that. Now you have to organize your stuff that has been put in your living room, but your phone rang while you opened the box, so you decided to answer and put on a loud speaker to make the job easy for you.

" Babe, are you at your new house now? " Your older brother's voice echoed around the house, and you grimaced at the loud sound.

" Bro, don't shout on the phone if you don't want Y/n to go deaf because of you " San Oppa said, scolding your brother.

" Hello Oppa and Sannie, I'm already at my new house, and now I want to organize my stuff " You chuckle at both of them.

" I would help my baby clean her new house, but unfortunately, I have my stupid practice right now " Wooyoung Oppa grumbled on the other side, and you know that he was already pouting right now.

" Oppa, it's ok. I understand you're busy with the new comeback, and I can manage it myself. I have to start being an independent girl if I want to live alone " You tell him this while opening the box full of decorations for your living room.

A sniffle can be heard from the other line.

" One day you don't need me anymore " Wooyoung Oppa whined at you.

San Oppa slapped his forehead at Wooyoung Oppa's words for you, and you only giggled at Wooyoung Oppa for being a dramatic brother.

" Guys, let's practice now " Hongjoong Oppa's voice can be heard in the background.

Both of the males let out a groan at Hongjoong Oppa's command for them about their practice.

" Baby, I need to hang up now, and I will call you back later " Wooyoung Oppa says.

" Okay, bye, Oppa " Both of you are saying goodbye to each other.

You continue to organize the house like you want for the whole day without taking a rest, and if Wooyoung Oppa knew about this, he would scold you non-stop like an old lady for a few hours.

{Time Skip}

Early in the morning, you wash all the laundry you have in a basket and hang the laundry outside of your courtyard. The sunlight shines on your face and makes your face glow at the same time. Without your notice, one pair of red eyes is staring directly at your figure from behind the bush and intensely staring at you. You clap your hands when the task is done before you get inside your house to prepare yourself a breakfast, and you also decide to do a mini concert in your kitchen.

You dance to wave by ATEEZ until the song finishes, and you still continue dancing while singing until you forget about the food at the countertop. The same eyes still stare at you, who is dancing like a crazy woman in the kitchen with an excited look, but you finally stop dancing to eat your food that has already cooled down. The eyes also decide to stop staring at you before retreating to somewhere else. You peacefully eat your food while looking outside when suddenly you notice a house not far away from your new house.

' Good, I have a new neighbour now '

You thought, and you carefully observed the house that looked empty without a single soul in it.

" Maybe they go out, I better go greet them after they come back " You mumble to yourself.

You clean the plate you use to eat and continue to clean the house that you didn't get to do yesterday due to your tiredness and laziness.

Author pov

Y/n was resting on her couch while watching K-dramas when the bell rang, indicating someone at Y/n's door, so Y/n decided to check who came to visit her this late afternoon. Y/n opened the door of her house only to meet a very attractive male with a sharp jawline and a pair of fox-like eyes who gave her a big smile.

" Erm... What can I help you with, Mr? " Y/n ask the question to that male.

" Ooh, I just came to say hi because you are now our neighbour. I live at that house with my brothers " He explained to Y/n while showing up at the house that it was not far from her house.

" By the way, my name is Yang Jeongin " Jeongin extended his hand at Y/n to shake.

Y/n shake hands with Jeongin.

" Jung Y/n " Y/n says her name to Jeongin.

" Welcome to this neighbourhood " Jeongin utters while smiling at the girl in front of him.

" Thank you, Jeongin - ssi " Y/n bows her body at him with a full expression of respect.

After that, Jeongin excuses himself, and Y/n goes back inside the house to continue her dramas. Jeongin enters the house while happily humming a song on his way inside, and someone peeks through the wall when Jeongin gets inside the house.

" Where did you go, Innie? " Bang Chan questions Jeongin with furrow brows.

" I greet the new neighbour " Jeongin enters the living room, where everyone is.

" The neighbour?? That house?? " Changbin showed at Y/n's house towards Jeongin, and the male nodded at Changbin's question.

" Male or female? " Felix asked.

" A very beautiful female " Jeongin answered with a grin on his face.

Everyone's ears perked up at Jeongin's information.

" That's why you look happy " Minho said while raising one of his eyebrows at the younger male.

" She looks so unreal, if you don't believe me, and her smell is also very nice " Jeongin tells the others about their new neighbor.

" When you see her, you will have feelings to not scare her out " Jeongin said to the others while eyeing them.

The others made calm faces when Jeongin eyed them all.

On the next day,

Y/n left her house to go buy something in town, so she drove her car to town, and in 25 minutes she arrived at her destination with a long list in her hand to find or buy her stuff. After almost two hours, Y/n bought the things she needed, and now she wants to return to her house, but suddenly the rain started pouring, so Y/n didn't have another choice but to run somewhere that could protect her from the rain, and Y/n found a place to stay for a while until the rain stopped.

Someone came out from the shop that Y/n took as shelter, and that person let out a soft gasp, not because of the rain but from the visual in front of him, and Y/n turned around to look around her and meet with that person's eyes. Both of them made eye contact before Y/n bowed her head at him, and Y/n's wet hair got in her way, so that person offered the handkerchief to Y/n.

" Use this, you will get sick soon " He told her.

Y/n shyly accept a handkerchief from that person.

" I'm Hwang Hyunjin " Hyunjin finally introduces himself at Y/n.

" I'm Jung Y/n, and thanks for this " Y/n told him while showing the handkerchief in her hand.

Both of them start having a conversation, and both of them look shocked when they learn that they are neighbours, and Hyunjin looks so happy to know that Y/n is the beautiful girl Jeongin talked about.

Hyunjin pov

I saw my beautiful angel already waking up from her sleep, and she got ready to start her day while I got my sketchbook to draw her gorgeous features from my room. I kept taking a look at her while I drew her, and I felt so close to her when I sketched for her without her knowing that. At first, when Jeongin told us about her, no one believed what he told us, but after I saw her myself on that rainy day, I immediately regretted not listening to the information Jeongin gave us, and Jeongin's words were true about Y/n smells when I carefully sniffed her smells.

She has a refreshing and calm smell of lavender and strawberry in her body that naturally comes out of herself. I also admit that I like her present from that house after I meet with her because I can always see her from far away or sketch her figure if I feel bored and don't know what to draw. Someone knocked at my door, and Jeongin's head peeked inside my room.

" Hyung " Jeongin approaches me.

" Hmm " I only humming as I responded to him.

" What did you draw? " When Jeongin saw my drawing, he let out an audible gasp.

" How did you know her? " Jeongin asked me.

" I met her in front of the art shop after she tried to find a shelter to avoid the rain " I simply replied to him.

" You're right about her, Innie " I look up at Jeongin's face with a gentle smile on my lips.

Jeongin sits down in front of me in another chair with an excited expression plastered on his face.

" I know, she's the most amazing girl that I've ever met " Jeongin said, closing his eyes for a moment.

" How do you think she will react when she knows about our true selves? " Jeongin made eye contact with me.

" Honestly, I don't know, maybe she will be scared of us or don't believe in us " I shrugged my shoulders with a nonchalant face.

Jeongin went quiet for a while and lost himself in his own thoughts while I continued my drawing that had been disturbed by him.

The next day,

We all quietly eat our breakfast when someone knocks twice at our house door, and we all already knew who was at the door. Seungmin opens the door before a group of males enters our house.

" Hey guys, any news?? " Chan Hyung shakes hands with them.

" Chan, some wolves have already entered your territory without your knowledge " Namjoon Hyung tells us.

" Now we knew about this because some of our people saw an unknowing wolf hide behind the bush of that house " Jungkook Hyung showed us at Y/n house.

Jeongin and my breath hitched with the new information they told us. The others looked at us with a curious face.

" Why would the wolf hide in there? " Felix questions them.

" We still tried to get the info about that, I know that house has a girl living there alone. We need to stay alert because the wolf might attack that house without our knowledge " Yoongi Hyung warns us.

" Alright, we need to always watch her house in case something happens to her " Chan Hyung said, gaining our attention.

" Yes, pack alpha " We said together at Chan Hyung full of respect for him.

" You all also need to be careful " Seokjin Hyung tells us.

We all nodded at him with a serious face.

{Time Skip}

I left my sketchbook on the sofa and went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, and when I got back, I saw Jisung flip through my drawing book, which was full of Y/n sketches with an unreadable face, so I tapped his shoulder to let him know that I'm here with him.

" Are you alright? " I ask him.

" You look like you just saw a ghost " I continue.

Jisung showed me the portrait of Y/n with wide eyes.

" Is this woman a ghost? " Jisung's eyes go wide with his words.

" Nope " I reply while taking back my sketchbook from him.

" Then?? Who's she? " Jisung sat on the sofa opposite me.

" She is the neighbour that Jeongin told us about, I saw her outside of the art shop " I nonchalantly answered him.

Jisung froze in his seat before he got up suddenly.

" No way " He mumbled.

I look at him with a raised eyebrow.

" She's looking so unreal " Jisung said with a smile.

" What're you thinking about? Don't do crazy things, Han " I narrow my eyes at him.

Sometimes Jisung can do something out of his mind if he wants to.

" I wanted to meet her " Jisung said, jumping from his seat.

I gave him a serious stare and made him shriek in his place.

" W- what?? " Jisung is shuttering while avoiding looking at my face.

" Are you insane or what? Right now is the middle of the night, and you want to meet her at this hour? " I deadpan look at the dumb guy.

Jisung thought for a moment before sheepishly smiling at himself.

" Dumbest " I mumbled, but Jisung heard what I said.

Jisung attacked me with his tickles, and both of us laughed until Minho hyung scolded us for being loud.

No One pov

Y/n got out from her house to take some fresh air outside until she heard a noise from a bush not far from her house.

" What's that? " Y/n whispers to herself with a scared face.

Y/n braved herself to check what was in the bush when that thing suddenly came out and made her scream so loud until Hyunjin and Jisung heard her scream. Both of the males went to her house and saw Kkami licking Y/n face while the girl was on the floor with a laugh, and both of them only blink their eyes at what they saw now. Hyunjin goes to take Kkami from Y/n face while Jisung helps Y/n get up.

" I'm sorry, Y/n, for my dog's action " Hyunjin sent Y/n an apologetic face.

Y/n gave the male a reassured smile before Y/n noticed the other male beside her. Jisung kind of froze in his place after making eye contact with Y/n.

" This is my brother, Han Jisung " Hyunjin nudges Jisung to make him snap back to reality.

" Nice to meet you, beautiful lady " Jisung flirted with Y/n.

Hyunjin mentally palmed his face at Jisung's flirty behaviour and made sure Y/n didn't expect that.

" Aah, I'm Jung Y/n and nice to meet you too " Y/n gives Jisung a bow.

" Are you living at this house alone? " Jisung question Y/n.

" Yup, I'm living here alone " Y/n shyly replies.

" If you need help, just go to our house " Jisung winked at her.

Y/n only let out an awkward laugh as she responded, and Hyunjin dragged Jisung back to their house after saying goodbye to Y/n.

" Aish… You like that with her, she will think that you're a weirdo guy " After arriving at their house, Hyunjin scolded Jisung.

" What I said is true " Jisung defends himself while both of them argue.

Chan looked at them while putting his hand at his waist with a scary face, so Chan cleared his throat to make both of them stop, and both of the males stopped arguing after noticing Chan in front of them.

" Where have both of you gone? " Chan asks with a serious tone.

" We both go to Y/n house after Kkami makes her startled " Hyunjin explains to Chan.

" Y/n?? " Chan tilted his head with a curious expression.

" Ooo, Y/n is our new neighbour that Jeongin talked about, and trust me, Hyung, when I say that she's really beautiful and almost looks unreal " Jisung literally bounced at his feet after speaking about the girl he just met today.

Chan gave Jisung an interested expression while crossing his arms at his chest.

" You sound so happy talking about her " Chan said.

" Of course, when I look at her, I feel like I want to bite her and mate with her " Jisung said until he didn't remember who was in front of him now.

Jisung's eyes widen after realization hits him, and Hyunjin bites his lips after what Jisung says.

" Hyung, I'm- I'm sorry. It just slipped out from my mouth " Jisung is shuttering while panic consumes him, but Chan only laughs at the younger male.

" That's sound very interesting and makes me want to meet her soon " Chan said with an amused tone.

Jisung and Hyunjin exhaled relief breath.

" You both go wash up, Minho will be mad at both of you " Chan tells both of the males.

Hyunjin and Jisung are quick to get inside the house with a scared face at Minho's name after Chan tells them, and Chan shakes his head.

{Time Skip}

Stray Kids gather around the living room with a very serious face, and Chan rubs his temple while pacing around the living room.

" I saw the wolf Namjoon Hyung talked about, and that wolf looked like they were looking at that house " Chan said, talking and showing at Y/n house.

" But I don't know why they want it or what they planned for her " Chan said, staring at his member.

" That's crossed the line, this is our place, and those wolves dare to cross it " Changbin says with a loud voice.

" Hyung, you knew the reasons? " Jeongin questions Chan.

" I don't exactly know the reasons, maybe the wolf wants her because she is human " Chan answered.

" So, what's the plan now? " Minho asked while crossing his legs on the sofa.

" We need to watch over every night and make a schedule to see who will do the watch over until the wolf is gone from our territory " Chan made a plan for everyone to have a turn-in watch over.

Stray Kids carefully made the plan to avoid making the unknowing wolf aware of their plans, and after making a plan, Changbin called his close friends.

" Hello " His friend answered.

" Yaah, Wooyoung - ah " Changbin greets Wooyoung and makes the male grimace at his loud voice.

" Geez, no need to yell at the phone. You will make me deaf," Wooyoung said.

" Do you talk to yourself? " Seonghwa in the other line mocked Wooyoung.

" What do you mean by that? " Wooyoung let out an offended gasp.

" You always yelled when you talked with her " Seonghwa dissing him.

" My baby is different, I was always excited when I talked with her " Wooyoung argued back.

Changbin, who heard everything, frowned.

" Who's this 'baby' that you really worked up when you mentioned this person? You got yourself some chicks to have fun? " Changbin curiously asked Wooyoung.

" Don't you dare say she is some slut, she's my girl and the most precious thing to me " Wooyoung yelled at Changbin.

" Changbin - ah, don't insult his girl if you still want to be his friend " Seonghwa warned Changbin.

" I'm sorry, Wooyoung " Changbin apologized to him. Wooyoung huffed in the other line but still accepted Changbin's apology.

" You won't introduce me to her? " Changbin teased the male.

" Hmp... I will consider it, just make sure not to fall in love with her " Wooyoung says sassily towards Changbin.

" Heh, I already have my mates " Changbin dismisses what his friend tells him.

" Don't talk like that, bro, you will regret it soon " Wooyoung evilly warned Changbin.

" Why do you say that? She's your girl, so you should protect her from other guys " Changbin frowns.

" Nevermind " Wooyoung utters and changes the topic.

Both of the males talked until late at midnight after a long time of not meeting each other.

Author pov

Today, like usual, Y/n will meet her older brother with his bandmates. So right now, Y/n is choosing her clothes from the wardrobe, but she doesn't know what to wear. After half an hour, Y/n decides to wear black jeans with a baby pink crop top, and Y/n wears light makeup to make her face look less pale.

" Done " Y/n cheered to herself before she left her house.

Y/n drives to KQ Entertainment, which is kind of far from her house, and Y/n opens her playlist while driving to meet with Wooyoung.

A few moments later,

Y/n arrives at her brother's company, and she goes inside only to see Wooyoung already waiting for her in the lobby.

" Babe " Wooyoung shouted at her.

" Oppa " Y/n engulfs her older brother in her hugs.

Y/n and Wooyoung tightly hug each other.

" Oh my god! I miss you so much " Wooyoung whispered at her.

" Let's go meet with others " Wooyoung pulls Y/n body somewhere.

Both of them go to ATEEZ studio that has the other members.

" Guys, Y/n is here " Wooyoung announced to let them know about Y/n.

" Hai, Y/nnie " ATEEZ greeted Y/n with warm hugs.

" Your brother has been whiny since yesterday " Jongho complains at Y/n.

" Yaa, how dare you betray me " Wooyoung glared at Jongho, but the male only stuck out his tongue at Wooyoung.

" Y/nnie " Seonghwa taps Y/n's shoulder.

" Yes, Hwa Oppa " Y/n turn to Seonghwa and look shocked when he and others give her a present.

" Ige mwongayo? ( what is this? ) Onuel - eun nae saeng - il - i anida ( today is not my birthday )" Y/n giggles at them.

" Ulin al- a ( we know ) " Seonghwa also giggled.

" We want to give you a present because you already achieved your own dream at a young age " Hongjoong said with a grin.

" You have your own house now with good work " Yeosang said, patting Y/n's head.

" And most important, you don't have to deal with your obsessed brother at home anymore " San said with a sarcastic tone towards Wooyoung.

" You're just jealous that me and Y/n are like a couple outside, you can't beat me " Wooyoung mocks San until San starts to chase him around the company.

" Oppa never changes " Y/n sighs at Wooyoung's childish behaviour.

ATEEZ told Y/n about what her brother had been doing after her last visit, and ATEEZ told her how Wooyoung lost his focus after Y/n moved out from their house because he told them he was worried about the girl's safety.

" But Wooyoung really is dramatic, he cried like you were going to die or getting married. I don't know how you tolerate with him " Yunho cursed Wooyoung without a care if he heard it.

" She only moves out, what if one day she gets married to someone " Mingi is also doing the same thing.

ATEEZ shakes their heads with an annoyed expression, and Y/n only lets them complain about her brother without saying another word. Y/n knew all of them only wanted to tease Wooyoung for being dramatic, but all of them are actually close to each other, like siblings and a big family, because Y/n can't always stay by his side, and the same is for Wooyoung, so Y/n feels grateful to ATEEZ for always being with her brother, even though sometimes he is painful in the ass to handle.

Wooyoung always supports her dream since they are both still kids, and now Y/n wants to show her full support for Wooyoung as a return for what he did for her, and now that both of the siblings have already gotten what they wanted, Y/n goes to Wooyoung and hugs him tightly until he is kind of shocked by the sudden hugs.

" Thank you for being the best brother to me. I will support you no matter what happens to us " Y/n mumbled at Wooyoung's neck.

Wooyoung gave Y/n a pat on the head while a soft smile was plastered on his face.

" Thanks, Y/nnie, you are also the best sister that God gave me in this world and life " Wooyoung takes Y/n scent, which makes him calm down.

Y/n and Wooyoung spend time together doing many things they want.

To Be Continue

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Taglist ( open ) : @jinniespuppy @obeythemasters @iadorethemskz @jisunglyricist @literallyags @katsukis1wife @biibiycandy @dreamingsmile @boi-bi-ahaha @berryberrytan @imasimplol

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scaredcrab · 4 months

Text

Macaque x Reader - Silly Vallentine

Promotional Disclaimer: This chapter is being posted here to promote the whole work on AO3! To read more chapters, go to the AO3 link, in fact, the new chapters will be posted there first!

✐ 1 Chapter summary: Overcome by boredom, Macaque goes for a walk on Valentine's Day and finds you. An event that turns out to be more amusing than expected.

✐ Category: Fluff; Hurt/Comfort; Cute; Slow Burn; Slow Romance; Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence; Reader-Insert; Touch-Starved; Cuddling & Snuggling; Foreign Reader; Gender-Neutral Pronouns; Humor; Mythology References; Not Beta Read.

Trigger Warning (for the whole work, not this chapter in particular): Angst; Blood and Violence; Trust Issues; Self-Esteem Issues; Self-Worth Issues; lots of issues; Xenophobia; Trauma; Swearing; Emotional Baggage; Emotional Hurt.

-✐-☾-✐-☾-✐-☾-✐-☾-✐-☾-✐-☾-✐-☾-

Chapter 1 - Valentine

This kind of celebration usually doesn't matter much to warriors dedicated only to fighting and revenge, there's no time to meet new people and to love if you're busy going after a hated acquaintance.

But that doesn't mean boredom can't knock on these people's doors.

A powerful monkey demon walks through a large city disguised as an ordinary human. The monotony of his hiding place had ended up irritating him, resulting in a stroll during "lovers day".

The tedium was enormous to make someone so reclusive go out on a day like this. Streets are full of commemorative decorations, mainly pink heart-shaped ornaments, and serenades with sweet music can be heard everywhere, even the sky looked rosier than usual, however what occupies the surroundings more than the color pink are couples laughing.

Couples that make you want to throw up for being so clingy, many of them look like exaggerated caricatures of what a happy pair would look like. The demon even rolled his eyes when he heard some phrases from the loose lovebirds, sometimes having a good hearing is a nightmare.

"I'm scared, honey, what if I don't like the people at the party?" - A short girl passes by the monkey.

"Calm down, if you get nervous, we'll just get out of there. Trust me, we're in this together." - The other girl takes one of her partner's shoulders and speaks in a sweet, calm voice.

He stops in place, for a brief moment.

... Yeah, even though the concept of clingy couples was a little annoying, there was a part of him that held a certain... Interest.

The idea of having someone who cares about your emotional and physical state, the idea of being appreciated, someone to give you attention and affection, someone to trust, all of this was somehow pleasant to imagine. A part of him really craved someone he could actually count on, someone that would actually choose to stay with him.

The warrior shook his head to get that unimportant feeling out of there. Is the holiday making him emotional? This is so pathetic. Like, come on, he had more fun things to do than that!

The biggest fun of being on the streets today is watching couples break up. Or to see people rejecting each other. Dramatic love situations filled with people with broken hearts, looking like over-the-top soap operas in real life. That was pure entertainment.

A rattling bell and the sound of hard material hitting the wall shows that someone has opened a door not far away with incredible brute force, the door in question being the door of a luxuriant restaurant.

"Wait! Come back! What did I do wrong, my little pudding?!" - A man cried while trying to reach a woman in a fancy dress.

"I've already made it clear to you that I hate it when you call me that. What were you thinking, showing up dressed like that in front of my entire family?" - She pointed with her index finger at the clown nose the man had on his face.

"I-I wanted to make your family have fun."

"You made everyone laugh at me! Laugh at us. You made me look like an idiot!"

Ooh, this was a good drama, an argument for a ridiculous reason. This gives a bunch of inspiration to an artist, stupid story scenarios becomes the perfect reference to fun scenes. The beauty and the clown, yeah, this could be the theme of a shadow play, a funny one. A few laughs escaped the demon's lips, so much suffering for such a stupid reason was a special comedy to watch.

Unfortunately for him, the pairing didn't take long to reconcile, returning to the restaurant's interior happily and holding hands.

He rolled his eyes at the scene, boredom returned and, so did his quest for entertainment. Maybe looking for fun outside the hideout wasn't such a good idea at all.

He looked at the restaurant through the front window, taking off his hood of his head, so it wouldn't get in the way of the view, inside there were several couples eating fancy dishes that looked delicious...

Ah yes, the second reason to go out today, the food.

The dishes had too many heart decorations for the Six Eared Macaque's taste, however, that didn't change how tasty they looked. Main courses full of meats and spices, a big variety of drinks and sugary desserts filled the space in every busy table.

If he sneaks into the shadows the right way, it won't be hard to get some good meals.

His belly growled.

"AaaAh! That was loud!" - He looked to the side and saw... You. - "Gosh, you scared me!"

Macaque jumped startled, he hadn't seen that a human had approached to look in the window too. A loud noise came from your belly almost as if it was competing with his stomach.

"Oh... You must be hungry. You also don't have a partner to eat a Valentine's Day food?" - Your hunger had reminded you of that scary noise that came from his tummy.

Macaque was starting to consider fleeing away from there, all he needs less now is boring small talk in the midst of invasion plans.

"Today there are various places offering special dishes for couples, but only for couples." - You keep talking even without hearing an answer from him. - "I'm alone too, so I understand the feeling of walking around without a partner, it makes us think about all the good food we're missing. I only left my house today to see everything decorated and pink, you know. I wanted to see the city transformed."

/ Does this human get chatty when hungry, or are they just naturally annoying? /

After that thought, the belly of the two rumbled together, a synchronized noise, it sounded like a were a rehearsed trick.

"Argh! Those foods look so delicious! I would even pay someone to accompany me, pretending to be my partner."

/ Wait a minute, what did they just say? /

"Would you really pay someone to do something like that?" - An interest appeared behind the question.

"Of course, I really want the couples discounts and stuff." - You answered honestly without even thinking twice, it's a habit of yours that ends up putting you in complicated situations all the time.

A mischievous grin broke out on his face.

He turned around and put a hand on your shoulder to have your attention just for him, you look into the eyes of the man who was holding you. - "Well, today is your lucky day! I am completely willing to cooperate with you in exchange for a good payment."

Now the human eyes stared at the man, the owner of those eyes carrying a certain nervousness within them. We all know that you shouldn't make deals with strangers, you know that very well yourself, but this is an opportunity to eat the exclusive foods that will only be available for today...

You took a good look at his figure to study his details, checking out the sparkle in his eyes, the charming smile, the beard that added the final touch to his attractive face. He wears clothes in nice colors that match each other, specifically dark red and black, his dark hair wasn't super tidy but wasn't tossed around either. The strands look very soft too, a strange urge to stroke the locks of hair haunted your head, but you held back. A man full of charisma stood before you.

You had to admit, he is hot. He is really hot, and he probably knows that (right?), so how expensive would that service be?

"... And how much would be a good payment in your opinion?"

He moved closer to your ear (a thing that made your whole body heat up and shiver) and using a seductive, soft voice, he whispered the value. Your brain melted hearing the voice while collapsed, listening to the number being said. God. The company of pretty men really was expensive.

He seemed to be delighted to see you shudder, to see you making such a shocked expression at the answer, a smug and satisfied smile graced his face. And honestly, this attitude only made you feel more silly feelings in your chest.

"My lord! This much just because you're handsome?!"

"Nice try, but flattering me isn't going to make me change the price I set."

"W-Wait! Let's talk a few things before accepting any price! Like, what places do you allow us to go? What couple things I can do with you? What are your personal boundaries? It wouldn't be fair to charge a specific amount without considering certain things."

The man stares at you intently for a few seconds like someone trying to see through dark glass, arms crossed defensively as he "scans" you up and down. He seemed to be searching for lies through the aura of your soul, or something like this.

"... Like a spoken contract? A kind of sacred agreement between us?" - You nodded with your head.

After thinking some more, Macaque started to say his limitations: No kisses. No hugs. No pet names. You're only allowed to walk holding hands (so you don't end up getting lost).

On your turn to speak, you negotiate the places to visit: an elegant restaurant, a chocolate fondue stand and a cute cafe. These places had great deals for couples and unique Valentine's Day dishes.

/ Isn't that too much food for just one person? /

He had no idea how much food would fit in your stomach, but he could eat a lot himself, so he was getting a big prize. Caring for you was the least of his worries, so your final state at the end of the tour doesn't matter as long as he's well paid and well-fed.

Being so demanding and limiting turned out to affect the final price of the deal, you would have to pay less to the fake boyfriend, but it was still a hefty price.

With everything settled, it was time to pay.

You looked in your wallet with a sad expression. - "Goodbye sweet money, I will never forget you."

When you were about to hand over the payment, you remembered a basic socialization step.

"Wait a minute! I don't know your name." - You held your money close to your chest, hesitating.

The monkey blinked in disbelief, processing the moment, of all suspicious things was it the lack of name that made you hesitate?

A light chuckle escaped from him. - "You can call me Mac. What about you?"

After revealing your name, you glared at the man as you slowly handed over the money, taking your time to say goodbye to the lost fortune. When he took the money from your hands, you made a thin little noise of suffering. Honestly, you're so exaggerated.

We can say that you're dumb too! Knowing each other's names isn't going to stop one from running off with the payment. Lucky for you, Macaque was starting to be entertained by the human innocence. Or would it be better to say stupidity instead of innocence?

Well, it doesn't matter, a fake date has begun.

#lmk #lego monkie kid #monkie kid #lmk x reader #lego monkie kid x reader #lmk macaque x reader #macaque x reader #lmk fanfiction

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writemywaytoyourheart · 11 months

Text

Bedeviled | Chapter 11: Hiraeth

Pairing: demon!jungkook x female reader

Genre: E2L, romance, drama, angst, horror

WC: 7.7k

Warnings for this chapter: strong language, name-calling, blood, gore, anxiety, frightening depictions of Hell and those in it, constipated feelings, *suggestive content* waahhhh!!!

Previous ML

The screams echoing in your brain start to become clearer, until they're so loud that you're physically cringing at the volume.

No, no, no.

Please, please don't bring me back.

The children running around in the forest start to shimmer as if about to disappear.

"No, wait!" You cry, reaching a hand out towards them.

They don't hear your panicked call as they continue to laugh and hide behind trees.

"Please don't leave!" A sob rips out of your throat.

As the green leaves and thick branches start to glimmer and disappear, the little boy stops and turns around.

His dark hair falls a little past his chin.

Those deep brown eyes look into yours, taking in your state; lying on the ground and crying desperately for him not to leave you. The dirt and blood covering your body and face don't seem to startle him, the tear streaks running down your messy cheeks give him pause though. He simply looks at you, a sadness in his eyes that breaks your heart.

"Apple?"

The whisper of his voice sends a sudden pain into your heart that makes you cry harder.

"I'm sorry," You say tearfully.

"Apple!"

Your face falls when you realize the boy isn't the one speaking anymore, his lips not moving, only turned down into a pout.

"I-"

"Please don't-"

The deeper voice is shaky and panicked.

"Don't leave me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

You look around, but you can't see him anywhere.

When you look back at the boy, he's turning away from you.

"Wait!"

The rest of the forest shines painfully bright before sucking inwards as if being dragged into a whirlpool, taking the boy with it as you scream for him to please please not leave.

"Hey, hey, you're fine."

"No, no, no, no..."

You're crying hysterically as the tortured screams become all too real and the arms holding you finally register in your brain.

The demon only tightens his hold a bit as you shake with sobs, body too weak to hold itself up as you mumble nonsense.

The forest devoid of any color comes back into your vision, then it warps and spins until you can see red.

Nothing but boiling blood and screams.

Somehow, the river has suddenly appeared in front of you again.

You'll never escape it.

"Please make it stop!"

Your broken scream reaches his ears and he curses under his breath as he stands, pulling you with him.

You can't close your eyes, it's physically impossible.

Bent over even as his arms are wrapped under your chest and holding you up, you start to violently dry heave while sobbing.

"JK, JK please!!"

He closes his eyes, all the voices in his head fighting each other desperately for the attention.

"Help me."

The whispered words leaving your mouth are more broken than he's ever heard come from a mortal. Never, in all his time, has he felt more desperation, heartache, and terror in the request of a human.

A cold hand presses over your eyes.

The instant relief that washes over you is enough to break you down in more sobs. The screeches of pained souls gets louder, almost as if to make up for the fact that you can no longer see them.

The demon keeps an arm wrapped around your waist, his other raised to keep your eyes covered as he starts to pull you away from the horrific scene, still shaking and crying in his hold.

Unable to walk on your own, you let him drag you away.

You're not sure how long it took to get far from the river, only a minute into the departure, you lost consciousness.

This dream though, is not one you want to come back to.

It is not full of sunshine and laughter.

It is not full of honey rice cakes and hide n' seek.

Not rain and sweet crisp apples.

But full of pain and fear.

Of heartbreak and regret.

You never ever want to go back.

JK lays you down on the ground slowly in the small clearing, supporting your head. Slipping his hand out from behind your neck, he steps back.

A deep sigh passes his lips as he looks around.

You sleep for a long while…

"No fire?"

The demon startles at the sudden sound of your cracked voice, turning from where he's been sitting on a stump and seeing you watch him with tired eyes.

"What are you talking about?" He asks quietly.

"You didn't make a fire," You whisper, eyes still watery but no longer spilling.

He looks back at his hands, "So?"

Blinking a few times, you swallow, cringing internally at the dryness in your throat.

After a minute, you look around and notice that the screaming sinners and bloody river are gone.

It finally clicks that he dragged you through the first ring of the seventh circle.

You're not sure how long each ring is, but it can't be a short distance; there is no sign of where you just were.

The trees are even closer together and more gnarled than before, their bark a darker gray. The two of you are in a very small circular clearing, only around twenty feet in diameter, the trees crowding in along the edges.

You sit up slowly and look over at him. His back is towards you, but you can tell he's messing with something in his hands.

"What is that?"

He doesn't answer you, just tucks whatever it is into his pocket.

You get to your feet shakily and look around again.

The air is heavy with anguish.

A deep ache settles in your heart as your eyes land on a certain tree.

There doesn't appear to be a reason why this tree has caught your eye.

He turns at the sound of footsteps and watches in confusion as you walk over to a small mutilated tree and reach a hand out.

The moment your broken and bleeding yet gentle hand rests on the trunk, a deep moan and shudder rustles through the forest.

JK stands but doesn't move closer. He just stares in disbelief at the dirtied girl that steps closer to the tree and hugs it. The trunk is much thinner than the others here, so she's able to wrap her arms almost all the way around.

A choked breath escapes the demon as the girl in front of him rests her cheek against the tree, her eyes closed but a single tear falling. The moment the tear drips from her chin and hits the roots of the tree, the sound of weeping surrounds them.

The being behind the wretched tears is full of anger and grief.

It's as if the whole forest has suddenly become aware of their presence, grief becoming so tangible that the demon finds his hands have begun to quiver.

No one has ever laid hands on the trees here.

No soul has ever wept with them as the girl does.

You tighten your hold on the trunk, a very real agony seeping from the tree into you. You can hear them. You can see them.

No one has ever seen them.

No one ever cared.

They were surrounded by people but never more alone.

They hated the people in their life. They hated that they wished to be loved by them.

Mother loved them.

The weeping escalates.

Sister loved them too.

But they didn't care.

They didn't care.

They wanted to hurt Mother. They wanted to hurt sister too.

The tree shivers in your arms.

They did it because they wanted to hurt Mother. She was always so easy to hurt.

It was the control.

They could control her if they hurt her.

Nothing would hurt her more than losing her child to death and never understanding why.

They did it to hurt Mother.

They did it to have control.

Mother loved them.

Mother was weak.

Anger surges through the tree, a sudden burning sensation running along your arms before you stumble back and fall onto the ground.

Tears pour down your cheeks as you look at the tree, thinking for a moment that you can see a face there; blending into the bark. The face is twisted in anger and resentment, a stubborn bitterness that refuses to be sorry.

They will never be sorry for hurting Mother.

JK watches you silently, his eyes finally leaving your grief-stricken face and running down to your arms. The heat singed through your cardigan in strips; burn lines streaking along them, from the wrists up to your shoulders. The marks are a bit welted and painfully red.

Yet you do not react to them.

Your eyes are locked on the tree as silent tears continue to fall.

You only look away when he kneels in front of you.

When he sees your gaze shift to his face, there's a look in your eyes that he does not understand.

He does not understand you.

"What are you doing?" He asks quietly.

His voice is not stern, it is not angry.

It has no cutting edge to it, nor are the words followed by a stinging insult.

Your bottom lip wobbles a little, but you say nothing.

You say nothing when his icy fingers wrap around your wrists.

You say nothing when he brings your arms toward him, or when he pulls the tattered sleeves of your cardigan up to inspect the burns there.

When his dark eyes leave the wounds and meet yours again, you can feel your heart lodge itself into your throat.

"It's almost like you want to hurt."

You close your eyes at his words.

"They ch-"

"Chose to be here," You interrupt him softly, "I know."

He says nothing after that.

Your wrists still rest in his cold hands, neither of you speaking.

Then you feel him shift and open your eyes.

He has put his hand on your left elbow so that your arm is resting along the length of his own. Then you see him bring his other hand to hover over your left arm, above the welts.

You know what he's going to do.

"Wait."

JK halts his movements and looks up at you again.

"Don't," You whisper.

The demon's brows furrow, then after a moment his face softens in realization.

"I'm not asking you for payment in return."

You close your eyes and take in a shuddering breath.

"Still, please don't."

"Why not?"

When you open your eyes again, you see the confusion on his unnaturally pretty face.

"Why not let me heal at least this?"

A shaky sigh leaves your mouth, "Please, just trust me."

His eyes squint and he inspects your face carefully.

If he keeps looking at you like that, you'll break.

"Who are you?" He finally whispers slowly.

This time, when he sees your eyes flutter closed, a small tear falls, leaving a little trail down your dirty cheek.

"Nobody."

He shakes his head at your poor answer, but you don't see it.

Then he moves closer.

"Look at me."

"No."

You flinch at the cold touch on your cheek.

"Please…look at me."

The surprise at his soft request is what makes your eyes open, but you instantly regret it when you see how he's come closer, still taking in your messy face with a look far from judgment.

"JK-"

"Shh," He hushes you and places a hand at the nape of your neck to pull you a little closer, "Every time you speak it just confuses me more."

You gulp when his nose bumps yours as he leans closer, his wintery cold breath running over your lips and cheeks.

You can feel him shaking as he tries to decide whether to give into the temptation or not.

Then a shiver runs down your spine when he lowers his head and places his lips against the side of your throat instead.

He can feel you.

So warm and soft against his lips.

A heavy sigh leaves him.

Choking out a gasp, you don't fight it as he pulls away before leaning in again and kissing another spot just below your jaw.

It's a blur before you realize you're lying on the ground as he leans over you and continues to suck and kiss at the soft skin of your neck.

A low groan leaves his throat when he pulls back and sees the bruises he's created along your pretty neck and collarbone.

"JK..." You breathe shakily, hand coming up to tangle in his hair as he dives in for more.

"Mm?" He mumbles as he works tirelessly on marking you as his own.

Fuck the best friend.

"What're you-" A moan slips from you at the feeling of his wet lips against your burning skin and he smirks, hand reaching down to run along the length of your leg, all the way up under your dress and over your hips.

When you feel him harshly grip the squishy skin of your thigh, his shaky breath in your ear; you gasp and sit up, pushing him away.

What has gotten into you, letting him do such a thing?

Wanting such a thing...

The demon moves back and rests against his heels, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths.

He's not sure what happened to him and why he suddenly lost all control.

He doesn't understand why he could feel-

Gulping, he looks back at you to see your hands over your mouth as you stare at nothing in particular with wide teary eyes.

He can't hear the horrified thoughts in your head.

One of your hands moves to your heart as the other stays clamped over your lips.

Lord, forgive me. I don't know what came over me.

The demon just watches wordlessly as you clasp both hands in front of you and pinch your eyes shut, resting your forehead on your hands as you mumble to yourself.

After taking a few more deep breaths, he stands up.

"We-..." He clears his throat, "We need to keep go-"

The sound of soft footsteps reaches your ears and you scramble to your feet at the same time that JK rushes forward and grabs you, proceeding to shove you harshly out of the little clearing and into a prickly bush.

Even though the scratchy thorns stab your burns viciously, you force yourself not to cry out as you lower as much as you can to be concealed by the dead leaves.

Only moments after he pushed you into the brush, you see a pair of black knee-high boots step into the clearing and walk towards your guide. You can't see above either of their thighs at this angle.

"JK, long time no see."

"What? Did you miss me?" You hear him say back snarkily.

The newcomer barks out a nasty laugh, "What've you been up to besides missing out on your count?"

Count? What count?

You swallow carefully, afraid to make any sound.

"You sound a little nervous, Sav. Worried if I pick it up again I'll pass you?"

Watching breathlessly, you see the knee-high boots walk closer to JK. He doesn't move though, not even a twitch.

Who is this?

"I don't need to do anything but watch," The stranger called Sav whispers harshly, "You've already fucked up. I, for one, can't wait to see you writhe."

Gulping, you move your head down a little to look through the skinny branches, finally seeing more of this demon.

It's definitely a demon, although you can't see his undoubtedly handsome face.

He's dressed in all black clothes just like JK, and there are black and gray tattoos covering every inch of his visible chest and arms.

You squint and try to look closer when you notice that he's got a tattoo with color. It's on his outer right bicep, just like JK's rose. But it's not a rose.

It's a torn and withered butterfly.

A monarch; its beautiful orange faded into a nasty burnt color.

What really catches your eye though, is that the dead butterfly is being strangled by a serpent, poison dripping from its sharp fangs.

The breath gets caught in your throat.

JK crosses his arms, the muscles in his upper arms stretching the silk fabric covering them as he does.

"Well, well, well. Someone's finally gained confidence, haven't they?"

Sav remains silent.

JK leans in, making the other lean back a little.

"I'd worry about your own skin before worrying about mine. You seem to have forgotten who is on top of who down here."

The other demon grits his teeth, trying to conjure something clever to say but coming up with nothing. As per usual.

His eyes are full of pure hatred as he looks at JK; the one he can never be better than, no matter what he does. The one that none of them can ever get under the skin of. Nothing rattles him.

JK raises a hand and shoos his fingers at the lesser demon in a demeaning way, as if telling him to run along home.

Sav glares at him poisonously before turning on his heel and walking off, disappearing into a cloud of thick black smoke.

You slowly let out the breath you had been holding.

"You can come out now."

Very carefully, you clamber out of the bush. Then you stand there awkwardly as he continues to face away from you.

The tension is still palpable from what happened not long before Sav showed up.

Neither of you says a word about it though.

Finally, JK turns around and looks at you, his eyes immediately going to the small marks littered along your throat.

Fuck.

Fucking shit.

He can't let that happen again.

He can't be weak.

"The third ring is longer than the second but shorter than the first," He starts rattling off. You're listening but not really hearing him after that first sentence. All you can think about is the fact that he did, in fact, drag you across the longest ring in the seventh circle.

...why?

"Are you even listening to me?" He snaps, making you glance at him and blink owlishly.

"Uh...yeah."

"What did I say?"

"The third ring is longer than this one but shorter than the first one."

When he just stares at you, unimpressed, you know he said more than you ended up catching.

He doesn't bother to scold you though, just snaps at you not to lag and starts walking.

You stumble after him, tripping over rocks and twigs when you leave the clearing, but keeping up with him nonetheless.

"Why a rose?"

JK doesn't stop walking when you gasp out the question as you hurry along, he just glances at you over his shoulder, brows furrowed.

"What are you on about now?"

Making a few quick strides to get closer before falling into step beside him, you casually smack his bicep, startling him.

"The tattoo. Why a rose? Why did Sav have a bu-"

You gasp when he suddenly stops and presses his hand over your mouth, looking around for a moment before glaring at you.

"Are you fucking stupid?"

You give him an indignant look, his hand still against your lips.

He leans closer.

"You shouldn't go screaming other demons' names down here, sweetheart. It's gonna piss me off."

You gulp, not missing the vulgar joke he slipped in there.

He raises a brow at you and you nod, then he slowly pulls his hand away.

He's about to walk off but you call out, "Well?"

When he stops, you force yourself not to look at his broad back, the silky black shirt stretching slightly with each breath in.

"Why do you have a tattoo of a dead rose?" You keep your voice strong, "Why did he have one of a butterfly? You both have plenty of tattoos, but they aren't in color. Why are those colored? Why a serpent choking them? And what was he talking about with some kind of count and watching when you-"

JK turns around and looks at you, making you shut your mouth.

"I'll make you a deal, little human."

You stay silent and he continues, "If you want answers to your stupid little questions, you need to give me something in return. I don't give for free."

After a moment, you clear your throat, "What do you want then?"

His eyes never leave yours.

"I'll think about it."

Then he turns and keeps walking.

You sigh, then hurry after him.

“Oh, hey! Where are you off to so quickly?”

You smiled at the pretty angel that was seated in his usual spot, tucked in between two of the larger bookcases, reading up on a few things like he did sometimes.

“I’m meeting with someone.”

He nodded, then sat up and caught your attention once more before you could hurry off, “Wait. You come to the Archive a lot and always seem to be looking for something, but never leave with anything. I can help if you’d like, I know almost as much as the book keeper.”

You chuckled and shook your head, “Thanks, Leon, but he actually helped me find it today!”

“Ah!” The angel clapped, long slender fingers tapping gently before he picked up his book again, “Good luck then!”

“Thank you,” You smiled brightly at him before turning and hurrying off.

After a little walking and a bit of flying, you were just about to the meeting spot when you ran into something hard and fell, landing on the marble pavilion, the tip of your wings stuck right under your bottom.

Soft warm hands immediately took your arms and lifted you to your feet.

“I’m sorry!” You blurted, embarrassed about how clumsy you’ve always been, “I didn’t-”

Then you saw who was smiling down at you fondly.

“Oh my gosh, I- I’m so sorry, I-”

The Archangel shook his head gently, his golden locks falling to his shoulders as the most stunning smile graced his features.

“____, you have no reason to apologize. It was an accident. As usual,” He added with a lilt of amusement in his tone.

You nodded, breath stuck in your throat at his otherworldly beauty.

You could never get used to it.

“What has you in such a rush?”

“Oh, I was meeting up with-...” You gestured nervously, losing your voice.

He smiled knowingly, “Your cousin. Is this about your mission?”

You nodded, cheeks pink.

The Archangel placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder, “I hope you know that we are all rooting for you. You’re braver than you give yourself credit for.”

“Thank you, Michael.”

He leaned down and placed a hand on your other shoulder too, making you look at him.

You felt the tears get lodged in your throat as he looked at you with such love and compassion, as all the angels did. You’d felt the closest to him though, all this time.

“If ever you need me, little one, just say my name and I will come.”

“I will,” You choked out.

Quite abruptly, you step out of the forest and onto burning hot sand.

You hadn't even seen it coming any closer, almost as if you stepped through a portal.

"Ach!" You shift on your feet, the sand unforgiving on the cracked and bleeding appendages.

JK glances at you as you hop around a little where you stand, "Regretting giving up your shoes now, doll?"

"Nope," You grit out, breathing carefully through your nose.

You look around, noticing with a pit of horror in your gut that you can see the sinners already. They are not close to you, but in the distance. Flames fall from the sky like a poisonous rain while some of the damned are lying upon the burning sand, others running in circles. The remaining sinners are crouched and appear to be weeping.

You gulp and clench your fists.

You can do this, ____.

You can do this.

I can.

I can do this.

I ca-

"It's a long walk. Let's go."

The demon walks without a care across the blazing hot sand, not waiting for you.

The faster you go the less it should hurt.

You breathe in the hot air and blow it out, shaking your hands around for a second to gather yourself.

Then you start hurrying after him, limping as quickly as you can manage.

It's only a few minutes later that you realize you're about to freak out.

The flames falling from the sky do not touch you, but the heat coming up from the sand seems to make the burns on your arms inflamed. They've become even more swollen and discolored than before as you limp helplessly, biting your lip hard enough to draw blood.

Just before you call out to him, he turns and sees you.

The burn lines on your arms are grotesque; the skin around them mottled and bruised. You're shaking more than you probably realize as you stumble along. He stops when he sees the blood dripping down your chin from where you've bitten your lip so hard it broke the skin.

"Stop."

You trip on your own feet, falling to the sand that scorches your knees and hands.

"Ah," You groan quietly, unable to lift yourself.

You don't have the strength.

He crouches to get level with you, about to say something when he stops.

You don't even have the strength to look at him and wonder why he froze.

JK closes his eyes when he hears the words being whispered in his mind. Over and over and over again.

All over your skin is so painful that you can't speak. You can't move. All you can do is shake and stare at the droplets of blood from your lip that hit the sand and sizzle.

The hands holding you up on the sand do not look like your own.

They look discolored and swollen.

You blink, but the hands do not change.

Are they really yours?

You're not sure.

“If ever you need me, little one, just say my name and I will come.”

I can do this.

You flinch and cry out when freezing cold hands touch your scalding hot skin.

"Ah, stop!"

JK ignores your cries as he holds under your arms and lifts you up from the sand to stand.

"It hurts, it's hurting, please stop," You whimper, trying to get away from him.

He says nothing as he bends down and puts an arm under your legs, proceeding to lift you up in his arms and hold you like an infant.

The relief is instant.

But now that your body is not overcome with pain and unable to do anything, your stomach turns and you feel like you're about to be sick.

He starts to walk, the gentle rocking soon lulling you into a calm state.

When you lay your head on his shoulder, he stops.

After a moment, he swallows the lump in his throat and keeps walking.

It's almost too quiet.

He's become used to your incessant talking. You always seem to have something to say, even if you don't actually speak. He could always feel your thoughts radiating from within despite not being able to read your mind.

Now there's only a tiny trickle as you stay on the brink of numb consciousness.

He can't feel you dreaming or thinking.

It’s far too quiet.

Is this how humans feel when they're lonely?

The demon scoffs and shakes his head at the ridiculous thought. The action makes you stir and he holds his breath as he risks a glance.

Your face is covered in a light sheen of sweat, baby hairs sticking to your damp cheeks and forehead. Your lips are cracked and bloody, glossy eyes barely open as you stare at nothing.

He gulps and looks away.

Don't be weak, you idiot.

Hours later, he's still carrying you across the blazing hot desert.

You've not spoken a single word, the sweat on your arms and face never drying and your head still resting against him.

"JK."

He looks down at you, surprised after not hearing you for a good long while.

"Hm?" He doesn't trust his voice not to crack.

"I'm-..." You swallow, wincing at the pain in your throat even as you speak below a whisper, "I'm gonna be sick."

"Like, actually?"

You nod weakly.

He stops walking, glancing around as he thinks.

That's when a thought occurs to him.

"Do you think you can hold on a little longer?"

When you don't respond, he looks at you again.

"Hey," He shakes you a little, "Do you think you can make it a little further?"

He only gets a small nod in response, but that's good enough.

He shifts you a little to make it a bit more comfortable, then he picks up his pace.

All you can see are swirls of red and orange. Yellow too.

They're morphing in front of you, twirling around in long strokes, like a paintbrush full of color moving against a blank canvas.

They drag across your vision, painting a picture of something you can see but don't understand. It makes no sense.

Nothing makes sense.

You're hot.

Your body is hot.

But you don't feel connected to your body.

Why are you hot then?

Why are those colors so pretty?

Every breath in is full of steamy air that makes your lungs scream in pain.

You can't feel your hands or feet.

Why are those colors so terrifying?

It hurts.

You can't cry.

The tears are too hot against your skin, you fear they will start to melt your cheeks.

Aren't you melting already though?

Why are those colors so pretty?

Puddles.

Puddles of red and orange and yellow.

Splatters of fiery paint cover your view of the world.

World?

Are you in the world?

Are you on Earth?

Earth is blue and green and brown and white and-

"-ke up-...here-..."

Earth is warm and cold and beautiful-

"Hey."

Earth is so much more than this place.

"-ortal, can you e-"

But Heaven is so so much more than Earth-

Why does your cheek hurt?

"Come to your senses, come on."

You blink your eyes open to see a blurry JK in front of you.

He heaves a sigh when he sees the familiar color of your irises looking back at him, your sweaty face twisted in confusion.

"I was almost convinced you'd given up."

Your frown deepens.

What is he talking about?

Give up?

You can't give up.

You promised.

The demon flinches back when you sit up and lean over, immediately retching only a few inches from his shoes.

He makes a sound of disgust as he gets up and walks to the side to avoid the result of your exhausted body overheating more than a human body can physically handle.

You're not sure what you've thrown up seeing as you've not eaten in who knows how long. But it comes up regardless, making it hard to breathe until you're finished.

You slump to the side, breathing heavily as you keep your eyes closed. It's too nauseating to open them.

"You look like shit."

He sees the tiniest smile on your face at his words, amusement clear on your face even as you keep your eyes shut.

"Thanks," You whisper back, reaching up a hand to wipe at your mouth.

You passed out again moments later.

The swirling colors come in and out of your feverish nightmares.

There's never any one object for more than a few minutes, always switching from one strange thing to another.

You think you wake up a few times, and maybe you do.

But it never makes sense and you're soon out again before you can comprehend anything.

He's there at first, a black smudge of ink against the dark brown canvas.

Then he's gone.

JK sits in the corner on the torn black leather chair, his elbows resting on his knees as he watches you go in and out of consciousness, mumbling strange things before passing out again and again.

When the voices start to whisper louder once more, he closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

He opens his eyes and sees you frowning, head moving side to side as you talk to yourself, or whoever might be in your dreams.

"Please," You whisper tearfully, a look of grief painted on your sleeping face.

He sighs and looks down at the cracked floor, biting his lip.

You mumble a few more nonsensical things before he hears you clearly once again.

"-please don't leave me."

The demon stands up and walks over to where you lay; fidgeting restlessly as your eyelids flutter and twitch uncontrollably, sweat pouring down your temples.

His eyes rake over you slowly, taking in every bloody and bruised inch.

He can't be weak.

Eyes landing on your neck where the purple marks still sit, he gulps.

It can't happen again.

Even as you cry quietly at whatever is haunting you, he walks away.

He leaves you.

The young lady gasps when she sees the figure of a man behind her in the reflection of her vanity mirror.

She whips her head around to watch the most gorgeous man she's ever seen step out from the shadows.

"W-..." She gulps, "Who are you?"

He walks closer and sits on her bed, only a few feet from her now.

She can smell the sweet essence surrounding him.

"Did you not call me?"

She stares at him for a minute, mind blank.

Then she remembers what she'd done the other night with her friends.

When they'd been messing around with a ouija board, goofing around about how hot it would be to fuck a demon. After months of not getting any, she admitted she was desperate enough to try it.

But that was all fake. They were jokes.

A slender eyebrow raises as a laugh slips from her mouth.

"You can't be serious."

"Deadly."

"What?" She laughs again, "You're just some sex demon that comes to any girl that calls you?"

He leans forward, "Not just any girls. Only the prettiest ones."

Butter her up nicely.

She flushes at his words.

"What's your name, doll?"

Turning in her chair to fully face him, she leans forward too, chest more exposed through her tank top as she does so.

She’s never been one to doubt the existence of such creatures.

"Amanda."

So easy.

"Pleasure to meet you, Amanda."

She's not sure who started it or how they got here, but they end up on her bed, the demon leaning over her as he kisses up her jaw, then down to her chest.

She pushes him away and onto his back before climbing on top, leaning down and mouthing at his chest.

JK lets her do as she wishes.

It doesn't really matter to him.

He's bored of it already.

The girl keeps making sounds of pleasure as she touches him, but he doesn't really pay attention.

He can't feel it anyway.

He can't feel her touches against his cold skin.

Not her lips against his chest.

It feels numb. Dead.

Nothing more.

He's never been able to feel the touch of humans.

So, why could he feel yours?

JK's mind flits back to you lying unconscious, plagued by nightmares.

No.

He came here to forget about you.

He can’t keep risking it.

His mind inevitably slips back to the clearing in the second ring.

He could feel the heat of your skin against his, warming him from deep within.

You were so soft and squishy, so fucking warm.

His lips could feel the life running through your veins as he kissed your neck. It made his head spin. If only he'd let himself actually kiss you, he's sure he'd feel it. He’d probably never feel anything like it again.

Why are you different?

Amanda whines in annoyance when he suddenly pushes her off of him.

They'd only just gotten started.

"What're you doing? I thought you were supposed to pleasure me. Isn't that what you're made for?" She spits.

The demon stands up, buttoning his shirt back up, but not before she gets a glimpse of a tattoo on his chest, "You're boring me to death. That’s got to be some kind of record."

She scoffs, "No fucking way. You're such a dick, I knew it."

He doesn't bother answering her as he pulls his boots back on.

Amanda leans over and grabs his wrist, trying to pull him back down on the bed.

When he harshly rips his arm away, she glares at him.

"How useless are you? An incubus that's in love? Ridiculous." She chuckles bitterly, shaking her head.

JK narrows his eyes at her.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

She rolls her eyes, "Do you think I'm blind? You're so pathetic. Imagine being so fucking desperate you'd carve the reminder of someone on your skin." She continues to laugh obnoxiously loud to herself.

The laughter cuts short when he leans into her space and snarls, "Seems like you're not only boring, you're also a fucking dipshit. If you're desperate enough to call another demon to pleasure you because no one else will, you better hope you don't end up calling me."

She doesn't say another word as he turns and walks back into the shadows of her bedroom, gone faster than she can process it.

Your eyes open slowly.

The world is not full of spinning colors and strange sounds.

Slowly, you shift your gaze around without moving your head.

Vision becoming more and more clear, you realize that you are not out in the light anymore.

There are wooden walls around you, falling apart but still keeping the heat out.

There's a worn leather arm chair in the corner of the room.

Finally moving your head, you see a small table by a door that's nearly off its hinges.

The breath gets caught in your throat when you tilt your head up and see a window with tattered curtains hanging from it.

How did you get here?

A horrible dread settles in your gut as you sit up and look around again.

There's a large chest sitting on the other side of the one room shack.

You close your eyes, hand moving to your heart as you feel yourself start to hyperventilate.

Where is he?

Where did he go?

Why did he bring you here and then leave you?

You fumble off the bed, falling to the floor when your legs are too weak to hold the weight.

Get me out of here.

You start to crawl across the floor that's covered in sawdust and spiderwebs, heading for the flimsy door.

You have to get out.

It's impossible to breathe in here.

Just as you're reaching for the handle, the door flies open harshly, luckily swinging outwards instead of in.

You flinch back, curling in on yourself as someone steps inside.

"Yo-...You're awake."

You open your eyes when you hear his voice.

"Please get me out of here."

JK frowns and crouches to get closer, "What did you say?"

"Out," You speak more clearly, "I want to get out of here."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I-" You cover your face with your hands, "I don't know, I just-...It's creeping me out."

When he doesn't answer, you take your hands away and see him smirking at you.

"You've been through seven circles of Hell, and you're scared of a little haunted shack?" You look away from him but he continues, "I'm the one that haunts places, doll."

"What is this place?" You grit out, "How is it here?"

He chuckles, "It's not really here."

You look at him, confused.

"Okay, well it is. But it's not. It's abandoned, no one usually comes here. I thought it'd be good for you to rest-"

"Are we not in Hell anymore?"

"Oh, we're still in Hell."

"I don't get it," You whisper, not meeting his eyes.

The demon sighs and sits on the floor in front of you, tired of crouching.

"I guess the best way to explain it would be that it's kind of in both. It's still in the forest where it's always been. Teenagers go there to do things they don't want to be caught doing. They bring things, take things," He gestures at the leather chair and bottles of alcohol littered on the floor.

"Some places, for one reason or another, are stuck between dimensions in a way. There's not really a straight answer as to why they're between Earth and Hell."

"And Heaven?" You ask quietly.

He scoffs, "Nah. They're too busy living the good life up there, too fucking high and mighty to be bothered with the physical world."

"So," You clear your throat, "We're here. And other people might be here too. But we can't see each other?"

He nods, "Pretty much. They might hear a thing or two if I decide to fuck with them. You don't need to worry. To the real world, we're the only ghosts here."

Your heart clenches at that.

Looking away from him again, your eyes land on the chest.

You slowly stand up.

Walking carefully over to it, you approach as if it's a snake ready to bite.

He just watches you curiously.

Your bare feet make no sound on the floorboards as you stop right above the antique piece of furniture. Reaching a trembling hand down, you grab the rusty handle and pull it up.

Dust and cobwebs fly off the lid as it's opened, settling to the splintery floorboards as you stare down at the contents.

JK stands up and walks over next to you, glancing down into the chest he never bothered to open.

"Huh. I thought it'd be more thrilling because of the look on your face."

You say nothing, just continue to stare numbly at the soft fabric that's riddled with mold and old age. The vase sitting next to it is clearly just as old, cracked and unusable now.

After a moment of dead silence, you turn and look at him.

"Pick it up."

He looks at you like you're crazy.

"Pick what up?"

"The dress. The vase,” Your hands begin to shake, “The plates, books, feathers! Maybe the child's shoes! I don't care! Just pick it up!!"

"Are you mad?"

He watches in mounting confusion as hot tears stream down your cheeks.

"Maybe I am!! Maybe I've completely lost my mind!" You scream, slamming the lid shut and walking over to the rickety cot you were sleeping on.

The demon does nothing but stare as you climb on the bed and grab the ratty curtains, proceeding to rip them from the window and tear them up before flinging them to the ground.

"This!! Is all your fault!!" You scream at the top of your lungs, grabbing at your hair and tugging on it as you shriek.

Ghostly screams echo from somewhere in time as a result of your fit, but you don’t care.

Frantic footsteps run to the door and fling it open, the terrified wails becoming more distant.

The sight of a particular drawing on the wall behind the bed that you accidentally moved, makes you break down into gut wrenching sobs.

Then you get off the bed and run to the chest again, flinging open the lid and digging inside.

"What are you doing?!"

You ignore him and grab the vase, then stand up and throw it at the wall, watching as it shatters into hundreds of pieces, right along with your heart.

"Why did you bring me here?! Why here?? Why?!" You pick up the withered clothes and easily tear them to shreds, the ancient fabric practically dissolving in your hands.

When he reaches to stop you from going for more, you fight him off, fisting his shirt in your hands and yanking and ripping at it before pushing him away.

Your hands move to your head, squeezing your ears shut as you scream and scream.

You've lost all control. Every last little ounce that you've had since coming to this wretched wretched place. Since finding him near the entrance to Hell.

This place was the last straw.

When your voice cracks from the volume you reach, you cough and choke. Then you turn and dig into the chest again, smashing plates against the ground and going back for more. You freeze though, when you pull out the small handmade boots.

Your whole body starts to shake as you stare at them sitting in your hands, cupping the teeny tiny things as tears fall onto them, washing off the dirt and grime that has accumulated through all these long long years.

Then you fall to your knees, a loud crack sounding as you hit the hard floor. You don't say anything though, you just stare at the sweet little shoes that fit in the palm of your hand. Silently, with tears still falling, you bring them close to your heart.

To the real world, we're the only ghosts here.

Even now.

Lifting your head slowly, you look around the room that you’ve brought to shambles.

The sun filters through the window, falling across the floor. It sweeps the cobwebs and shards of glass away until there is nothing left but wood and light.

The cot has soft pillows and blankets on it.

The curtains are not torn.

The vase sits pretty on the little table by the door, full of your favorite flower.

Beautiful red roses.

The chest is open, full of fresh linen, new plates that Yoongi gifted you, and maybe a fruit or two.

When your eyes land on him, he is no different.

He stands there, handsome face looking as confused as ever, tattoos littered across his perfect skin. His deep brown eyes are full of so many questions, his shirt that you tore at is slightly opened. And you see it.

A splash of color.

A splash of red.

Just above his heart, one more tattoo that is all by itself, usually hidden from view.

Even as his dark eyes look at you with no recognition, you say nothing as your heart begins to bleed out onto the floor.

Your eyes flit back to where his own heart lies dormant.

The rest of the shack fades away as you stare at the small image scratched into his skin, imprinted on him to make sure he will never escape it even as he forgets. A reminder. A mockery of what once brought so much more than this.

A torture he will always feel but never know why.

Nothing but a small apple.

_________________

a/n: 🍎✌🏻💕

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anashins · 2 years

Text

All the Pretty and Ugly Things

Pairing: NCT's Jaehyun x You

Genre: idol!Jaehyun, heavy angst, drama, romance, smut

TWs: several smut scenes; ml has phases with a bad personality; story begins upbeat and spirals to a darker tone in the second half; depiction of past scandals (e.g. Itaewon); mentions and descriptions of panic attacks and (spells of) depression/depressive episodes

Word Count: 27,5k

Summary: He stands in the spotlight, but the only one he's looking at is you. Until one day, the sparks in his eyes are gone and the Jaehyun you know privately is only a lifeless shell of the Jaehyun he pretends to be on stage. Crumbling under the pressure of being an idol, you try to share his baggage, but there is only so much a human can take.

A/N: This is the requested full length story to "I Still Search for You". The story spans from early 2018 'till the beginning of 2023, including real life events, and is heavily Jaehyun centered. The events are facts, everything else is made up - this is fiction after all. Now, enjoy :)

THEN

Hey, Jaehyun.

Why is it that making our dreams come true and being truly happy are often two different things? I still can’t figure it out.

Once, you told me that if you hadn’t become an idol, you would have wanted to be a young father instead, probably having two children by now. I can imagine that very well. You are so good with children, and they love you as well.

But dreams change. Just like people.

You cannot be a father at the peak of your career, and it pains me to see you giving up on this genuine dream of yours to chase after another that drains you off the light that had once been so vivid in your eyes.

You never wanted to be an idol.

The possibility had not crossed your mind even once despite listening to that music daily - until that fateful day when you were only fifteen and got street-casted by an agent for your overly good looks.

Oftentimes, I wonder if you hadn’t stayed in school for so long that day, your path might have taken a different turn. Whether, if you had only finished classes a bit earlier or a bit later that day, you would have still run into this agent.

These good looks of yours was what drove you to your downfall eventually, this exceptionally handsome face that had once smitten me as well and overshadows everything that’s lying underneath it. And there is so much you keep hidden, because to the outside world, you’re supposed to be perfect.

But they can’t see the broken young man that has succumbed to the spotlight.

All they see is their perfect idol, smiling in interviews, beaming on stage, flawlessly following whatever the company demands from him. They call you attractive, talented, write you letters, give you presents, put projects together and do everything in their power to support you from all across the world.

I really appreciate them for all their efforts, and I know you do too. They keep you going, alive, push you to greater heights when you’re feeling like giving up. Everything you do, you do for them. You don’t want to disappoint them, you want to make them happy with your presence alone.

So they are not responsible for what has happened to you, for how you feel. They had only done their best from what they got to see of you. We all did.

But it wasn’t not enough. Nothing and no one was enough.

Jaehyun, you really wanted to love this world.

And in the end, it broke you.

____

2018

“Stop sulking, put your big girl pants on and come with me!”

You groaned as Seulgi grabbed you by your hand and pulled you off the couch on which you had just settled so comfortably.

“Please… I don’t feel like going out today,” you complained.

“You haven’t gone out in 68 years. Or how long has it been since your breakup?”

“124 days.”

“That’s enough. The fact that you could even come up with the exact number? Chills.” She grabbed a pair of jeans from ‘the chair’ and threw it into your arms. “Come on. Change into it, I want to see whether you look cute in them when we make you presentable for the outside world again.”

“Where are you even dragging me to?” you asked, reluctantly disposing of your joggers and slipping into the jeans. “Will there be many people? I hate big social gatherings, you’re aware of that as we’ve known each other for years.”

“Back then in school, you also hated people, so we won’t be many. Only Jisoo, my friend Taeyong, one of his band members and a producer friend. A small gathering only.”

“Four other people? I don’t consider this a small gathering.” You paused. “Just… why?”

She glared at you. You had never gone out with Seulgi’s company squad before except for her band members and Jisoo, and the latter belonged to a different group. If it had happened that you went out together with her idol friends - the very rare times - you ended up being the one taking photos of them. And you wanted to remain this person in the background.

Taeyong? You knew him of course. Seulgi talked about him a lot, mainly when it was about dancing and songs, but he was the leader of one of the most popular boy groups in the country as well, so it was a given that you turned keen-eared upon hearing his name. Perhaps, you were a bit excited to go to the gathering.

“Okay, beat me.”

A little while later, you were sitting in the restaurant, and once again, you felt very out of place. Having known Seulgi since middle school, you really appreciated her efforts in supporting you after a heartbreak, but you were asking yourself whether this gathering was truly necessary if you could just sit at home and watch Netflix.

“We’re here!”

You looked up and reconsidered. Perhaps… Yes, it was necessary.

You almost choked on your coke when you spotted Taeyong standing right in front of you. You had seen him in music videos, in whatever threads and pictures people shared of him online or in whatever articles he got featured, but never in real life. And in real life, it was a whole other experience.

Yes, he was just as handsome, just as beaming, and radiated so much ‘idol aura’, you feared you would swoon. But he actually appeared less intimidating than on stage, much slimmer, a bit smaller and very, very kind. Yet, he still acted like a normal young man when he introduced himself a bit shyly to you along with his producer friend.

You were fawning so hard over Taeyong, having engaged him in a conversation right away, that you nearly overlooked the other young, taller man entering the restaurant fifteen minutes later. You hadn’t even noticed someone was still missing until now.

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

“We’ve just arrived from the production studio, what’s your excuse, Jaehyun?” Taeyong teased him. “Can’t you tell the time?”

“I can.” Jaehyun lifted his arm, looked at his watch and directed the following words at the object, “The manager who was supposed to drive me was late, I’m sorry I didn’t make it fifteen minutes earlier.”

His humor was spontaneous, random and deadpan, rendering everyone silent so that birds chirping in the background would possibly be audible right now. A real dad joke nobody seemed to get or find funny. Except for you. He was literally telling the time what his excuse was.

You bursted out in laughter, catching his attention with your lighthearted tone that came from the very bottom of your heart and that no one had heard for three whole months.

“Oh look. Finally someone who finds your dad jokes funny,” someone commented.

Jaehyun joined your laughter, and shortly later, you found yourself sitting next to him, engaged in a conversation about why records were so much better than anything digitized nowadays and why no one could top Bruno Mars, having totally forgotten who was actually sitting next to you,

Jeong Jaehyun.

Everyone knew NCT, and despite you not being a regular listener, you still had one person you ogled every now and then. But Jaehyun had never been that person.

Of course you had noticed his handsome looks, his prince-like aura and his great voice. To you though, he had always seemed too perfect which was why he never quite peaked your interest. You just didn’t do perfect.

But he proved to you, later that evening when all your friends were already gone and you were hiding in the women's restroom, making out wildly to cure your heartbreak, that ‘the idol’ Jaehyun himself was far from perfect.

If he was perfect, he wouldn’t kiss someone he had just met in a restaurant’s restroom so passionately, having them sit on top of the sink with their arms wrapped around his neck. A perfect idol wouldn’t have his fingers entangled in your hair, his hands rubbing between your clothed thighs and his tongue slowly pushing into your mouth.

It was a good thing that you didn’t expect him to be perfect as you were anything but as well.

You moaned quietly when he put pressure on the spot where his fingers were placed, softly biting into his lower lip to which he responded with a groan and grabbed you by both of your legs, wrapping them around his hips. Arching your spine, you rubbed yourself against him while his hand slowly found its way under your blouse.

Your back reacted with pleasant goose bumps as Jaehyun traced his fingers along your skin, and since it had been so long that you were last touched like this, hell broke loose inside of you, relishing all the pent-up desire of which you hadn’t even been aware of as you thought you were still mourning after your ex boyfriend.

But no, you were apparently already really attracted to this stranger who wasn’t really a stranger at all since you passed by his cardboard standee at least once a day when you were on your way to work and walked by the cosmetic store close to the subway. This entire situation seemed so surreal to you, even though you were living in it right now.

When you finally parted, a bit breathless and lightheaded after this long make out session, you wondered whether Jaehyun did that more often than he would openly admit. You understood though. He could have anyone he wanted, and he probably did.

“If you expect now to be invited to my place, forget it,” you told him, shuffling out of his grip and jumping from the sink. “I’m kind of a traditional girl.”

You were still heartbroken and didn’t do rebounds. Partially, you also didn’t want to invite him home because he was an idol, and you could imagine quite well what getting involved with them meant.

“A traditional girl who makes out with a guy she has just met?” Jaehyun cocked a brow and spun around to you, not letting you miss the joking tone in his voice though. “That’s quite a paradox.”

You sleekened your blouse and reached for your purse, just now realizing how late it had already gotten. “Admittedly, it doesn’t happen quite often that I immediately feel so attracted to a guy I barely know.”

The corners of Jaehyun’s lips tilted up to a wide grind that revealed his pearl white teeth. “That’s how attracted you are to me?”

“Don’t raise your hopes up.”

“It’s probably better this way, because I’m afraid you might tear my shirt apart right here and now, if that’s how attracted you are to me.”

You rolled your eyes, but smiled. “Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

He chuckled. “Goodnight.”

On your way home, you were still thinking about him and how damn good of a kisser he was. You knew from Seulgi that idols also dated, slept around or had flings here and there. You had never expected yourself to be one of them though, and certainly not with Jeong Jaehyun.

To you, it was an experience you surely hadn’t expected to get, but wouldn’t like to miss out on now in the aftermath. It also was something you hoped to not experience again, because you just didn’t want to get involved with someone who had kissing different girls on his every day agenda, because he was just capable of doing it.

Someone like Jeong Jaehyun.

____

“Come on, it’s gonna be fun!”

You sighed. “Fine.”

“Hooray!”

Seulgi took you by her hand and dragged you to the backstage area. She had invited you to join the afterparty of Red Velvet’s second concert in Seoul, and even though you weren’t really keen on partying tonight, you wanted to celebrate this special day with your friend.

While Seulgi and the other members drove with their manager back to the company’s building, you took an Uber on your own. During the entire ride, you were asking yourself whether Jaehyun would be there as well, but dismissed the thought almost instantly. On the off chance that he was there too, you would just behave normally.

You hadn’t told anyone about your physical encounter with Jaehyun. To you, now, a few weeks later, it only seemed like a vivid fever dream, not worth mentioning. The only person who knew about it was Seulgi, but only because she was friends with Taeyong and had squeezed it out of you.

She hadn’t been very happy about it though. If it would have been Taeyong, she would have supported it, but not Jaehyun. Apparently, you had been right about your initial gut feeling. Jaehyun just wasn’t someone you would want to fall in love with as you would most likely get your heart broken.

“There are idols who are here for the sole reason of making music,” she had said. “And then there are idols who find women also important, like Jaehyun. I can count on one hand how many girls in the company he hasn’t screwed yet.”

“I figured,” you had brushed it off. The heartbreak you had experienced in the past was enough for a lifetime. One more reason to never see him again.

The moment you entered the afterparty’s location though, you knew that this was going to be big as not only the Red Velvet girls and their acquaintances were there, but also trainees, other groups, the company’s entire staff and friends.

“What’s going on here?” you asked yourself in silence as Seulgi dragged you into the hall.

“Stay here, I want to introduce you to some people! Grab a drink, I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

You looked around and people passed by you without even noticing your presence. That was probably the commoner effect. You weren’t an idol, neither a trainee nor a staff. Of course nobody would even pay the slightest attention to you.

“You’re so attracted to me that you even joined the afterparty just to see me again?” Well damn, you knew that voice.

Jaehyun stood in front of you the next moment, having circled you from behind. “Or am I wrong?”

“You’re wrong,” you defended yourself. “I’m just here, because I want to support Seulgi and her group. I’ll go look for her…”

“One drink!” Jaehyun blocked your way. “Have one drink with me?”

“And then?” You crossed your arms.

“We can continue talking about our interests. It was fun and insightful to do so with someone who genuinely cares.” You didn’t miss the earnesty in his voice, and you were almost sorry for what you were about to say next,

“Probably because you’re only fixated on people in the entertainment industry. Your selection is limited.”

He tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I've been friends with Seulgi since middle school, Jaehyun. I know about idol life, and also about their dating life. It doesn’t bother me, at all. About you though…” You eyed him suspiciously. “Seulgi warned me, because you have quite a reputation among these people.”

“Before you knew, that hadn’t stopped you from kissing me.” He wasn’t haughty about that fact, but merely stated an observation. “If you had known back then, would you still have dragged me to the women’s restrooms?”

You bit into your bottom lip, unsure what to say. “Attraction and morals are two different things. I want to do what’s morally right, and that would be to not get involved with you. I’m being honest… I’m still suffering from a heartbreak. I don’t want a rebound,”

“Morals,” he scoffed. “Sometimes in life, morals have to be put down as they only restrict you from living your best life and don’t bring you forward to cherish what makes you happy at this very moment. I’m saying that there are more important things than morals.”

“What else?” You were genuinely curious.

He stepped closer to you. “Sometimes, the attraction between two people is all that matters at a certain moment. And trust me, I’m feeling very much attracted to you right now.”

Heat shot into your cheeks and your body became hot all over too. If you were honest, you wanted this too. So badly even. But you were afraid your needs would take over your senses and that the happiness would only last for so long, until you were alone again.

“And something tells me you feel it too.” Jaehyun grinned mischievously, and it suddenly dawned on you why getting involved with him felt so off-putting.

Because the Jaehyun he showed you now and the Jaehyun he presented to the world through his group were the same person - they knew they owned the charms and the looks, and that girls couldn’t resist them.

He wasn’t perfect, but pretended to be. He might have even convinced himself he was. But you didn’t want to be another naive girl falling for this type of guy like your ex was.

“Goodnight, Jaehyun,” you told him and turned away from him to look for Seulgi and tell her that you would head home first.

Jaehyun didn’t follow you.

….

Jaehyun wasn’t the type of idol to sleep with fans. This had always been a no go for him.

Despite the possibility of signing an NDA, fans would gossip, brag and tell their friends, eventually risking the idol’s reputation if their identity ever got revealed and their past relationship proven to be true. No, fans were out of the picture for him.

Jaehyun couldn’t take such a risk as he had the image of perfection to keep up. Being nearly scandal-free until now, he had publicly adapted to this role the company had applied to him. He didn’t allow a woman to tarnish his reputation that he had worked so hard for.

Idols and trainees on the other hand had the same things to lose as him, so they usually kept their mouths closed. They were the safer option if one wanted to explore romance or physical attraction.

If it stayed within the company, no one actually minded dating or whatever was going on between the employees as they trained in the same building and interacted on a regular basis. Even dating outside of this tight knitted industry was allowed as long as they wouldn’t get caught. But Jaehyun weighed himself safer within the company and made the most out of it.

He had always been told to be handsome and attractive, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten casted, so getting the girls wasn’t a problem in the first place. What was a problem was actually keeping them.

Jaehyun just didn’t want to keep anyone around.

….

“You’re going already?” Jaehyun heard the female trainee whisper from the couch as he was dressing himself up again. “No one will come here, so-”

“See you.” The next moment, he was out of the door.

After you were gone, he had directly gone to the girl he had been with last time already, but admittedly only for distraction. There hadn’t been a woman who had ever dumped him. Until now. He just didn’t know whether he found it frustrating or rather… interesting.

“... You?”

You stood in the lobby, shuffling around awkwardly. “Whatever this is between is… it made me run the entire way back here. Someone said you have been gone for a while already, but I decided to stick around though and wait.” Your gaze then fell upon his shirt that was buttoned wrong and his hair that stuck out to all sides. “But I see, you already found what you were looking for in the end.” You spun around on your heels and started walking away.

“No!” Jaehyun ran down the stairs faster than your steps could carry you back to the exit. “Please wait!”

“What do you want from me, Jaehyun?” you then asked him seriously, shaking off his hand that he had placed on your shoulder. “I was about to give us a chance to explore this mutual attraction, but you just blew it up. So what makes you go after me now?”

“Okay… but we’re not committed to each other, so you shouldn’t even bother who I get involved with in the first place.”

He was right, but you just didn’t want to admit to that. You were only hurt that he had sworn to be so attracted to you and then let it all out with another woman. “Is it your common strategy? Hitting on a girl and then just moving on when you get rejected?”

“Perhaps?” he asked, partially stating. “Perhaps, it was also because your rejection threw me out of the loop, and I needed to prove to myself that it’s not me, but you.”

“What? Never gotten rejected by someone before?”

Rejections didn’t fit into Jaehyun’s perfect life. A perfect person didn’t get rejected by someone they desired, because what was there to even turn down?

“I- I mean you like Bruno Mars and records,” he stumbled over his words. “And we even kissed. And then you turned me down not even once, but twice. What should I think about it?”

“Maybe start off with the fact that not everything is about sex?”

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. And I care too little to get familiar with this topic, to be honest.”

You shrugged too. “I see. But as I implied, sometimes my morals are stronger than my desires. And such a moment is now.”

“Three’s a charm hm, dumping me?” Jaehyun was flabbergasted. “Come on, you just got here!”

“Because I thought you cared enough to stay focused on me at least! For one night!” you called him out, upset. “... But I was wrong.”

“You can’t expect someone like me to focus only on you.“ He scratched his head. “That’s just… not possible.”

“Because temptation lures in every corner, am I right?”

He didn’t respond, but that was enough of an answer to you. “Good night, Jaehyun.”

“That’s not it.”

You stopped in your tracks again. “Instead…?”

“Instead, it’s rather the fact that I can’t get involved with fans. I’m pretty much scandal free, so I can’t risk getting the word out that I’m sleeping around. It’s staying within the company, so I tried to get you out of my head, because I don’t know which category you belong to, and it’s messing with my head.”

“Nobody asks you to get involved with fans.” You shook your head. “There is not only black and white, not only idol and fan. And I’m neither an idol nor your fan.”

“Which category do you belong to then?”

“I’m just an ordinary girl.”

Jaehyun clenched his fists, knowing the moment you walked out of the entrance door that he had screwed up big time. Again.

On the other hand, he didn’t really bother as well at that moment. There were many girls awaiting him here, so why would he be chasing after someone he couldn’t have?

____

2019

“…and then Miyeon said-“ Soyeon stopped mid-sentence, realizing that Jaehyun wasn’t even listening. “Hello? What’s up?”

Jaehyun didn’t quite care about what Miyeon had said. He also didn’t quite care about Soyeon if he had to be honest, even though she was great. He had tried jumping into the dating pool after being urged by Taeyong, but he just wasn’t feeling it.

Jaehyun yawned. “No, continue. I’m listening.”

“Okay, so Miyeon said-“

Jaehyun propped his elbow against the desk, placed his chin on his hand and averted his eyes back in the direction of the window, his thoughts drifting off once more. Since NCT 127 had come back from America, something inside of him had changed. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it though.

They had had a lot of fun in the States, so that wasn’t the problem here. The fun had included wild party nights and sneaking foreign girls into their rooms who didn’t know who they truly were, visiting different cities and doing something that felt close to vacation every now and then.

They also had had a lot of success. The group had stood on big stages, had been guests in popular shows, and had even walked along the red carpet at award shows. Their popularity was skyrocketing, getting more recognition in the west, and they had achieved everything they had only fantasized of back in trainee days.

Whenever Jaehyun stood on the stage, he felt like a king, and the crowd was his nation. At moments like that, when the spotlight was on him, he felt like all those years of hard training, suffering mentally and physically, and pulling himself together again and again, finally paid off. All his hardships were forgotten and there was only him, living his dream. His life was perfect.

So why was it that Jaehyun was still not content after realizing he had everything a young man his age with the same ambitions could ask for?

Perhaps, it was because after the lights went off and the members separated, he returned to a dark hotel or dorm room, feeling entirely alone with a gap in his heart that was so deep, not even the cheerful laughters of friends or one night stands were able to fill it.

„We should end this,“ Jaehyun then blurted out.

„What?“

„You and me, here,“ he explained monotonously. „Let’s end this.“

Soyeon blinked in confusion. „We’ve only been dating for two months. Why would we end this already?“

Because he didn’t see this going anywhere. Because, in the months they had been dating, he could count on one hand how often they had seen each other. Because, when he had been overseas, he had never thought about her.

Jaehyun wasn’t an expert with relationships, but he assumed this was not how they should work. Instead, he said, “I’m just not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I don’t have the time to spare. I’m sorry.”

Soyeon arose from the bed, and Jaehyun moved his head to make eye contact with her.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad though.” She shrugged. “It would have been nice if this would have worked out. Because you know, Jaehyun… we idols can never be with people who idolize us. I hope you think about this thoroughly.“

“There are not only idols and fans,” he stated, summoning words he had been told earlier this year. “There are ordinary people as well.”

“I didn’t count them in, because they rarely withstand the pressure we idols bring along.” Soyeon grabbed her bag and walked to the door. “Seriously… don’t drag a poor girl into our world. You’ll only ruin her.”

“What would you know?” he unwillingly snapped.

But Soyeon wasn’t bothered. “We all try at some point.”

Jaehyun didn’t put further thoughts into her words and brushed them off as futile when a face popped into his mind of which he hadn’t thought in a long time.

The girl he had once felt so attracted to but missed his chance not only twice, but on three occasions. He suddenly wondered where you were, what you were doing and whether the attraction would still be there if you two would run into each other again.

Jaehyun then pulled out his phone and opened his private chat with Seulgi. It consisted of zero messages between the two of them, that was how distanced they actually were. Yet, he still decided to text her.

____

“You know I only agreed to meet you, because Seulgi asked me to.” You sipped on your coke, watching Jaehyun with wary eyes.

“Yes, and I want to thank you for that.”

“You have to thank Seulgi.”

“I already did.”

He hadn’t touched his Americano, but just proceeded to stare at it, avoiding eye contact with you at all cost. You hadn’t missed the skepticism in the waitress’ eyes when she had brought you the beverages as she had to look at Jaehyun twice and even turned around on her way back once again to make sure that her mind had not fooled her. Jaehyun had ignored it.

“So, what’s the matter?” He was sitting opposite of you as you asked. “It’s been more than half a year since we’ve last seen each other.”

Jaehyun fiddled with his fingers that he had rested on his lap. “Did you see anyone during this time?”

“Why would that be any of your business?”

He cleared his throat. “I toured through Japan, America, Thailand and parts of Europe this year, as you might know. I had everything in front of me that I worked so hard for. The fame, the success. In America, I went to red carpets, award shows, TV shows… It has always been my dream to do all that. When I first came back in May, I even started dating someone I thought was perfect for me as she is an idol as well. I had all that. My life was perfect. And it still wasn’t enough for me.”

Even though he was speaking seemingly nonchalantly, there was a sad undertone in his voice. Jaehyun certainly knew how to conceal his true feelings, and it made you feel that he considered it to be necessary to do this in front of you as well.

“What went wrong?” you wanted to know.

“I realized how fading it all was. The spotlight doesn’t last for long. When you’re a trainee, nobody tells you what will happen when the lights go off. Nobody prepares you for what will happen once the darkness comes. And damn, is that darkness deep. And so endless. A few hours of spotlight just don’t make up for hours, days and months of darkness.”

You weren’t a celeb, but you could understand what he was feeling. Many people looked down on idols, laughing off their career and deeming it not even being a true job. But the idol life was a hard one with hours and hours of training of which one couldn’t even be sure whether all the blood, sweat and tears would pay off eventually. You had seen Seulgi going through all of this.

“What about the other guys?” you questioned. “I’m pretty sure you’re all there to support each other as well.”

Jaehyun chuckled bitterly. “We’re 23 people in the whole group. That’s like an entire classroom. How many people did you naturally get along with in your class back then in high school?”

“Perhaps, only a handful. My friends.”

“Exactly. Some, you can turn to when you feel down, but they are not there all the time and they have their own problems too that you cannot make your own, because the burden will be too much. The majority, you just want to punch in the face because they get on your nerves. Others, you simply avoid altogether.”

Seulgi was very lucky to be in a group with only a couple of girls who got along all the time, more or less. You couldn’t imagine how it was for Jaehyun with more than twenty other guys.

“And the girl you dated?”

He smiled, and it somehow stung. “She’s pretty, talented and a very good person. Characteristics you rarely find in idols all combined. But she travels around very often as well and has so many projects going on. She was there when I wasn’t, and I was there when she wasn’t. That’s why so many relationships between idols fail. We barely have time. We can’t make each other’s darkness go away.”

You nipped on your coke again. Jaehyun’s glass now consisted of more water than coffee. “What did you call me here for exactly, Jaehyun?”

He sucked in a rush of air. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“Which question?”

He locked your gazes, finally. “Did you see someone in the past months?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Finally, he led the straw to his mouth, taking a sip, but not pushing the topic further. Nevertheless, the air was still heavy, and you decided to clear it.

“But I’m not anymore.”

Jaehyun looked up, his eyes sparkling.

“Two rules,” you made clear.

“I’m listening.”

“You text me at least once a day. Not because I want to surveille you, but because I just want to know you’re alive and well, and thinking of me despite your busy schedule.”

He chuckled shyly. “Lately, I’ve been thinking of you all the time, so that’s a given.”

You flushed a bit and lowered your voice to shield your conversation from the other customers. “Second rule… And I know you’re not going to like this, but the second rule is no sex.”

“What?” he whispered in disbelief, eyes widening and leaning over the table closer to you as though he was sure he had misheard. “Are you being serious?”

“I want you to prove to me that you’re serious about me,” you whispered back. “That you don’t only want me for sex, and if we have sex, that you don’t end things right after you got what wanted. I’m not such a girl, Jaehyun. And I don’t want such a man. If you’re not okay with this, we don’t have to do this.”

“No, no, no!” he directly dismissed. “It’s okay. I’m okay with this.”

He nodded with much determination, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was in for all of it, and you would lie if you acted like you weren’t surprised by his reaction. Jaehyun truly meant it.

“Let me add something…” you backpedaled for clarification. “No sex until I’m ready for it. Better?”

But he didn’t object. “Whatever rules you set.”

“Can I add another one?”

“You’re on a roll now?” he asked skeptically.

“I want you to take me out on a date. A real date.”

The corners of his lips tilted up. “This, I can do too. Can I add a rule as well?”

“Go ahead.”

“In private, call me Yuno, like my real name. When I’m with you, I don’t want to be Jaehyun.”

What he implied was that in private, he wanted to be vulnerable, who he truly was, not an idol. You gladly accepted that.

“Okay, Yuno.”

As you addressed him by his real name, smiling so sweetly and genuinely, Jaehyun thought that, for the first time, he could imagine wanting to keep someone around.

____

You weren’t dense. You knew that dating an idol wouldn’t be like dating any other guy.

With any other guy, you could walk around freely where crowds were, holding hands. With any other guy, you could spontaneously meet up after work, several times a week. With any other guy, you could take couple pictures and post them online, on your public account.

Dating Jaehyun wasn’t any of the above.

But you weren’t just any girl either.

You didn’t complain when he had to cancel plans last minute, because he was too tired to get up again. You didn’t hold it against him when you were always the one having to drive into his neighborhood. You also didn’t interfere when the manager was adamant about following you everywhere.

Jaehyun made up for all of this more than anyone before him by being the sweetest boyfriend one could ask for.

Little by little, you got to know the person behind this idol mask, the person behind ‘Jaehyun’. The person you called ‘Yuno’ in private. A person you could really imagine falling in love with deeply not far from now.

Because this person truly was not perfect. And that was what made him so loveable for you.

____

Today, Jaehyun was off work, so for the first time in two weeks, you actually had an entire day to yourselves, and it would be the last one before he’d take off to New York for the Global Citizen Festival.

Even though you had gone on short dates before, such as grabbing a coffee and sitting in the park or movie evenings at your place, Jaehyun had promised that this one would be your first real date together, just as he had promised to you when you had agreed on going out.

What you hadn’t expected was for him to take you to Seoul Children’s Grand Park.

“Is it okay?” he asked you hesitantly as you stood in the queue at 10am in the morning. “I thought…”

You nodded and let your fingers slip into his palm as you moved forward in the queue. “It’s totally okay. I understand.”

Any other guy wouldn’t have taken you to a children's theme park, but this was where Jaehyun and you could roam around freely without hiding and him wearing more of a disguise than a cap. As mainly families visited the park with their lively kids, they wouldn’t be keen on getting info on who this stranger was if they would ever grow suspicious at all. It was the perfect spot to spend an entire day away from the turmoil that usually surrounded him.

Jaehyun let out a rush of air. “Then I’m relieved.”

“Who said we cannot have fun here as well?” You gently nudged him. “I’m sure it’ll be the best day ever!”

You hadn’t pegged Jaehyun as the goofy guy. During the short span of weeks that you had been dating so far, you had gotten a glimpse of the part that wasn’t manipulatively charming and self-centered. This Jaehyun now was light-hearted, making jokes and laughing all the time as though he had no care in this world.

This Jaehyun was whole-heartedly happy.

“What is it?” he asked you, smiling against the sun, having to blink.

“Nothing,” you said and squeezed his hand. “You’re scrunching up your nose when you laugh. It’s so cute.”

You had just disembarked from a ride and Jaehyun had been laughing next to you the entire time. You hadn’t wanted the ride to end just to continue to listen to him laughing as you harbored the feeling that he hadn’t been able to do so as much lately, so you wanted to be this person to him.

“Stop,” he urged and covered the lower half of his face with the back of his hand, and you noticed how his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears turned pink.

You chuckled. “Come on, I want to see the animals!”

You moved through the groups of families and their children, and despite Jaehyun having been very tense in the beginning, always controlling whether someone was watching you or on the brink of recognizing him, he had slowly started to relax when he noticed that no one paid the slightest attention to you two.

“Is it hard?” you then wanted to know as you studied the elephants with kids of different ages screaming right next to you by the balustrade. But you didn’t mind. “Not quite being able to go where you want as you might get recognized?”

“I can go wherever I want and whenever I want,” Jaehyun clarified. “Most of the time, people don’t care, the majority of them only watch. We’re only human with daily tasks as well. Seldomly, someone takes a secret photo and spreads it, very rarely, they ask for autographs and other things personally. Sometimes, it’s annoying, but it comes with my job, so it doesn’t bother me most of the time as long as they respect our privacy. It’s only when I’m with a girl that things can get heated.”

“Sure.” One elephant was blowing water at a smaller one. The children were rejoicing. “Your fans would probably give you hell if it ever makes headlines.”

“When you date someone, with the staff, sasaengs and friends around, it’s a given that there is a group of people who know and they tell the people they know and so on. That’s how gossip arises, but as long as it doesn’t make headlines and you’re on Dispatch’s good side, you’re okay. But I don’t want you to only be okay.”

You tilted your head, now turning around to face him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not an idol, neither a staff or a trainee. You don’t have anything to do with this world and I want it to stay this way. I want you to be safe.” He glanced down at you, the look in his eyes imprenetable. “I don’t want my girlfriend to become the target of hate, that’s why I want to protect your identity at all costs. I want to do it right this time.”

You weren’t a hillbilly. You had seen what had happened when it got revealed that Kai was dating Krystal. And when Baekyhun was dating Taeyeon. The hate that flooded through online communities and were discussed for weeks all over the internet - and they were very popular and beloved idols. It warmed your heart that Jaehyun wanted to spare you from all of this as well.

But wait, had he just called you…?

“It’s not easy, being with me,” he continued as though he hadn’t just put a label on you two. “And with you, it’s probably going to be extra hard. But I don’t want my life to ruin yours, to ruin what we’re just trying to build. I just need to know you’re fully on it as well.”

With a smirk, you challenged him, “Build what?”

“A…” He gulped. “... a serious relationship.”

You had all along known that behind the playboy side of his that he had shown you first, there was a goofy, endearing person hidden, that was the reason why you had agreed on going out with him in the first place. This was the person you had hoped to be there all along, the person you wanted.

So right in the middle of screaming children who their parents tried to calm, you grabbed Jaehyun by his collar and lifted yourself up to your toes. This surrounding was shielding you perfectly from unwanted attention as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.

“I still won’t sleep with you,” you then announced in secrecy when you parted.

“It’s okay. I’ll wait,” he replied patiently, his hands around your waist.

Dating Jaehyun wasn’t like dating any other guy. But dating Jaehyun was just as fun.

And Jaehyun, for the first time, wanted to keep someone around.

____

“Hey, come in.”

“Hi Jungwoo. I’m not gonna stay for long. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Your palms were sweating as Jungwoo giggled. “Stay for as long as you want. We’ve only recently moved in, so enjoy the cleanliness for now, because it’s not going to stay this way for much longer.”

You weren’t sure why you were so nervous, why you were even covered in a thin sheet of sweat just because you had gotten invited to Jaehyun’s group’s dorm for the first time, but Jungwoo’s shy bubbliness and kind aura quickly put you at ease.

It had been three months since you and Jaehyun started dating, and he was going to leave for Japan soon. Since he had to get up early the day after and the place where he had spent the day was closer to his dorm, it was a given that you would meet him at his own home.

Jaehyun was still deliberately following the texting rule, no matter how late it was, where he would travel to shortly after and wherever in the world he was currently residing. And lately, he had been in Spain and back in the US, the time difference putting a strain on your occasional facetime calls, but you had still managed to do it as often as possible.

Despite his busy life, he was always putting you first.

“Follow me, his room is over there. No worries, it’s all his.”

You found yourself anxiously looking to your right and left, afraid to encounter any of the other boys - the source of your nervousness. You weren’t prepared to meet all of them and already felt a lump in your throat when you heard different voices from what seemed like the living and kitchen area. But to your reassurance, Jungwoo came to a stop right before that space.

“This one.” He opened the door for you. “Make yourself at home. You want to drink something?”

You shook your head. “Thank you.”

“Okay. Call me if you need anything!”

He closed the door behind him, and, in the safety of Jaehyun’s room, you felt all the strain getting lifted off your shoulders. As you looked around, you recognized everything from the relay cam published the month prior on the group’s youtube channel.

There, to your left, was the cabinet with all his stuff like his Marshall music box, his vinyl records and the Mickey Mouse sitting on the top shelf. In front of the big window stood his desk along with the keyboard and his computer. Next to it, another standing keyboard, followed by his bed to your right.

Jaehyun loved listening to vinyls, using analog cameras, drinking wine and playing the piano. It was a soft, private side he also showed his fans in his vlogs, a fragment of who he really was, deep inside. In his videos, he appeared as such a comfort person, entirely different from the young man you had encountered last year and luckily came out more and more around you.

But what differed him from the person everyone else got to see was that you also knew the Jaehyun who was off-camera. The one not so pressured to uphold a perfect facade, who broke through the stark mask every now and then.

Yuno, who called you, sobbing because he had reached a dead end with a song he was composing. Yuno, who wanted to be desperately hugged by you, because he felt so lonely. Yuno, who raised his voice because everything was going wrong with his day.

His fans didn’t have to see. And you were always there to clean up the mess he had left, sweeping up the remains of his emotional outbursts, because from the outside, he had an image to keep up. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be possible. Shared baggage wasn’t as heavy. And always, you willingly and happily did that - for him.

As you walked across the room, you spotted a few sheets spread across his desk over the keyboard. You didn’t want to peek, but got your attention drawn to them by the vivid colors, and you frowned as you read your name on two of the documents.

They were flight initiaries to Tokyo. And the third one, a bit smaller but thicker by paper, was an entry ticket to their respective concert.

“Oh damn. It should have been a gift.”

You hadn’t heard how he had walked into the room and shifted around to him, the ticket in your hand now, asking in near disbelief, “What’s this?” as though you didn’t already know.

“You’re joining me in Tokyo!”

“You’re nuts!” you objected, still not believing it. “I have a job, I have to ask for a time off first. What if it won’t get through? Then this would go to waste!”

Jaehyun threw his head back and laughed. Then, he approached you and took the ticket out of your hand. “I know you’ve always wanted to visit Japan and see me on stage. So why not combine these two, and why not in February when there is the opportunity?”

“My boss is a witch, I told you all the stories about her, weren’t you listening?” You already imagined her anguished face, horror striking your face. “Oh god, I can hand in my two weeks notice tomorrow when I tell her about this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaehyun brushed it off confidently. “I already called your workplace. No important meetings on these dates. Your vacation days will be officially approved by tomorrow.”

“Are you being serious?” You raised your brow in suspicion, not allowing your skeptical and worrying self to feel joy yet. “Or is this a joke?”

“Do you or do you not see your name right there?” He held the flight initiatives out in front of you.

“How did you get my passport number?”

“I didn’t send you to go grab the ordered food for nothing that day.”

“You’re-” The words got caught in your throat, because you felt tears aching behind your eyes.

“Awesome? Unbelievable? The best boyfriend ever?”

“I wanted to say stupid.” You swallowed it all down. “Stupidly awesome. But the title ‘best boyfriend’ also fits.”

“Well, that’s what I wanted to hear.”

Finally, you wrapped your arms around his neck and Jaehyun spun you around, the both of you laughing.

You had talked about finances after some weeks of dating already since the discrepancy between your monthly salaries was almost impossible to put into words. But despite Jaehyun always offering, you were adamant about only doing and achieving things you could afford as you never ever wanted to grow dependent on a man.

But Jaehyun didn’t mind grand gestures every now and then. Just like this one.

“You know I’m going to reward you greatly for this, right?” you asked him quietly as he placed you back on the ground.

It took Jaehyun a few moments of obliviousness until you observed the question marks slowly vanishing from his eyes and the innocent look in them getting replaced with one that was auspicious, and a tid bit sinister.

Oh, he wanted that reward. So bad.

You had never talked about sex again, and he had never asked about it in return. Despite having come close to it again and again when a reunion session got too heated, Jaehyun had never pushed for more when you weren’t the one making the first step.

Now, being sure that it wasn’t only about this one thing for him and that he was fully ready to commit, you wanted to prove to him that you were ready for it as well by giving him the one thing he hadn’t been able to get yet.

With a swift motion, Jaehyun had swooped you off the ground, and you were bouncing on the bed the next moment, him on top of you, lips close to your ear, and whispering,

“I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

You wanted to know. So bad.

____

“I’ve never waited so long for a girl before,” Jaehyun whispered through gritted teeth as he hastily, with trembling fingers, fiddled with the hem of your shirt. “But you made it all worth it.”

You bit your bottom lip. “You don’t know yet, and I don’t want to disappoint you as you've waited for so long.”

He halted and locked gazes with you, putting his forehead to yours. “I’m not talking about sex only. I’m serious. You’re not boring. You’re not stuck-up. You don’t drool over me. You see me as who I am, and you’re still with me. You make everything worth it.”

His words turned you on so much that you slid your thigh over his lap, turned over and straddled him. “Please sleep with me right now,” you almost begged and fisted his t-shirt. You wanted him even more if that was possible. “Or I-”

But Jaehyun didn’t let you finish your sentence. His hands fell to your hips and pressed your body closer to his groin as his lips finally met yours in a passionate kiss that was long overdue. He was propped up on his hands while you were holding his neck and then bent in to deepen the kiss with the use of your tongue.

Suddenly, you pulled away in shock as you heard people passing by the door, laughing audibly as though they were standing right next to you.

“Yeah, the walls here are paper thin, sorry about that. But usually, nobody barges in just like that.”

You shifted your attention back to Jaehyun, deliberately diving into his mouth again, but you were still able to clearly hear the laughter and conversations only feet away from where you were about to do the deeds - all while Jaehyun moved from your mouth to your neck, growing more greedy and impatient.

His fingers dug into your hips and he growled lowly against your skin as he kissed along your collarbone. Willingly, you lifted your arms and let him slide off your shirt, shivering lightly against the coldness that immediately hit your shoulders, but was replaced by the warmth of Jaehyun’s mouth right after.

He pressed you down on him, hard, and you rubbed against the thickness between your legs, barely noticing the straps of your bra slipping along your arms and exposing your bare breasts. Heat swirled in your belly, making your clit throb and your body craving him so badly, you didn’t think you could wait for much longer.

“Give it back!”

“HAHAHAHAHA, NEVER!”

Your body stiffened and you caught a glimpse at the door which was still closed, luckily. It felt like the boys had run right through your room! You wanted to ask Jaehyun whether there was a key to put you at ease for a bit, but you melted into him the next moment when he grabbed your left nipple between his teeth, sending shocks right down to your nether regions.

You moaned when his palms were placed flat on your back and you arched your spine, angling into his body as he bent forward and sucked the whole peak of your breast into this mouth. Forgotten were the voices and the people running back and forth outside of the room. Your eyes fluttered closed as Jaehyun’s tongue, hot and wet, came out and swirled the pebble of your nipple.

Laugher crossed the comfortable quietness in the room again that had only consisted of the nearly audible moans and growls of you two before. You tried to shift your head, but Jaehyun now turned his attention to your other nipple, dragging it out by his teeth, and then teased you by nibbling the entire breast.

“What if someone comes in?” you whispered, but your interruption was pathetic in this situation, and Jaehyun knew.

He sucked hard, stretching your skin. You grinded against his groin so desperately, you felt it tickle and wet between your legs already - and you were not even entirely undressed yet! You rolled your hips, rubbing fast on him, your fingers tugging on the hem of his t-shirt, and Jaehyun stilled for a moment to let you take it off for him.

He then pulled you back against him, your faces on level. One of his hands slipped down your back to grab your ass, and you let out a squeal, hushing right after as footsteps passed by the door. You gazed into his eyes, saw the passion, the lust, and you knew that all your concerns were irrelevant.

You would do it right here and now, no matter how loud and heavy it would get, no matter who could hear you. You would do it right now, and no one and nothing would be able to stop you from it.

“Please,” you muttered, palming his chest with your hands. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Jaehyun expelled a short breath as he had wanted to prolong the foreplay a bit more, but he didn’t need to be asked twice to hurry up. Wrapping an arm around your waist, he flipped you onto your back, and you let out a small gasp along the way, excited and nervous at the same time.

“Your wish is my command.”

Jaehyun got on his knees, gazing down at you. You unbuttoned your jeans, sliding them over your hips, then your legs. His eyes didn’t waver from you as you revealed your black panties, and he licked his lips. Slowly, he slid his fingers up your thighs and hooked them into the waistband of your undies.

“At any other occasion, I would take my fair time with you,” Jaehyun admitted. “But right now, I can’t wait anymore either.”

Your black panties landed on top of your other clothes at the side of the bed along with Jaehyun’s jeans and boxers. He reached into a small drawer that was hidden in the headboard and pulled out a condom that he then rolled on, the wrapper getting lost on the floor as well.

“But we have to be quiet, okay?” you tried again as someone outside had seemingly randomly started to play the piano. “We’ll try.”

“Sure.” Jaehyun positioned himself between your thighs, a smile curling a corner of his mouth. You hadn’t been able to take a detailed look at his hard-on yet from your position, but it already felt like it was a lot to take in. “We’ll try.” Why did it seem like he wouldn’t even want to try?

Your hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath you as he came down to you and pressed between your legs. Thrusting his hips slowly and steadily, he worked inside of you, and you groaned, stretching while he was sinking into you. Your cheeks heated up and you threw your head aside as Jaehyun was going deeper and deeper, burying himself to the hilt.

“Oh,” Jaehyun sucked in a rush of air, his face twisted. “It feels so good.”

You shared the same thought as him as he lowered his body closer to you, your nipples brushing his chest. Without thinking, you bent your knees and spread your legs wider, your heels digging into the mattress.

Jaehyun kissed you, but before you had time to savor that feeling of fleeting peace before he would rock your entire world, he had already pulled out and thrusted right back into you.

“Oh, god.”

You looked up, witnessing Jaehyun enjoying the act himself as he grabbed for the headboard to give him support while his thrusts got harder and faster, moving in and out of you. The muscles in his arms were bulging and tight as they strained in the attempt to hold his position, the muffled voices of people in the background nearly entirely faded.

That was until you noticed that the bed was creaking. Very loudly. “The bed,” you breathed in between thrusts, worried. “We have to go slower.”

But Jaehyun just groaned, dropped his head and silenced you with his lips. Instead of going slower, he only went harder. Your breasts bounced back and forth, and whimpers fell from your lips that only transitioned to higher tones, challenging the noise the bed was currently making.

“Go slow,” you still tried to plead, but you weren’t sure anymore whether you had even audibly uttered these words.

You totally forgot about the noise around you. At some point, when your head was so clouded, filled with passion and lust, you just didn’t care anymore. Instead, you pulled Jaehyun deeper with every thrust, rolling your hips to meet his rhythm and moaning at the pleasure of him filling you.

Jaehyun slid a hand under your bum and nestled in farther, grunting as he went on even rougher, your whole body shaking and thus the entire bed with you. Loud creaks mixed with your own sounds of pleasure as you begged him to go faster, deeper, rarely having felt this good in your life.

“Yes, yes! Please, don’t stop!” you cried lowly as you felt an orgasm crest.

He thrusted in and out of you again and again, sweat forming on his forehead, but his rhythm was steady, the strength in his arms holding the position and not giving in. His length nudged far inside you, and you cried out, loud this time, breaking loose and coming as your walls clenched around him.

“Oh, f-”, Jaehyun groaned as he pushed one more time and then stopped, his body stiffening on top of yours and his arms straining, bringing forward his veins.

You ran a hand up his back, feeling the sheen of sweat as you both came down from your highs, overly exhausted, but over the top happy. And you both beamed.

When you later left the dorm that night, hoping to not get caught by someone after what you had done merely an hour before, you still found a member, Yuta, as a matter of fact, standing in the corridor and winking at you.

Well…

____

2020

After Jaehyun returned from Japan, NCT 127 was preparing for their comeback with ‘Kick it’ along with the release of their second Korean studio album ‘Neo Zone’. You had hoped that, with their first world tour concluded, Jaehyun’s life would slow down a bit, his world spinning a bit less fast. But you were wrong.

NCT 127 was climbing up the ladder of success and, amidst the comeback, they were to travel back and forth between the US and South Korea. You were truly, really happy for them, they had been working so hard for all of this.

But you also couldn’t deny that Jaehyun’s announcement of their second world tour starting in North America in June came along with a bland aftertaste for you.

____

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked you.

His blue hair shimmered in the sunset getting reflected in your bedroom. Tomorrow was the comeback stage of ‘Kick it’, so he wasn’t able to stay for long as he had to get up very early.

Throughout the past months, he hadn’t neglected rule number one even for one day. Between recording, practice and other schedules, he still found time to text you or even call shortly, so you didn’t know why it even bothered you that he would now start having even less than the little time he usually was able to spare.

You felt very selfish, demanding so much, even though it was probably the bare minimum for such a relationship. But this was Jeong Jaehyun, not any other guy. So you swallowed the real reason and only informed him, “From now on, you don’t have to text me everyday, okay?”

Jaehyun pulled his brows together. “You don’t want me to text you anymore?”

You had seen him on stage. He knew what he was capable of, so did everyone else, including you. “It’s not like that…”

When the Yuno you knew turned into Jaehyun, the idol, the stage was his home. He loved the spotlight, he loved his occupation, he loved his fans. Every motion he executed, every note he hit, every gaze he shot to the crowd was well thought-out and touched perfection. Partially, this job was his passion, but much more, it was also work. Only on the stage, he could let go and ride on the wave of his fame. He was born to be in the spotlight, and there was no place for you to interfere in any means.

“It’s just…” You shrugged. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you, you know.”

“You think you’re my distraction?” He got up from the bed and approached you to kneel in front of you on the floor. “You’re my biggest motivation, that’s the truth.”

Now, it was you who was frowning. “What do you mean by that?”

“I know my fans love me no matter what, and I appreciate their dedication and love, they’re my motivation too. Whatever I do, they solemnly celebrate their idol, and I can count myself lucky they always have my back. I’m talking about the good fans here, though.” He sucked in a rush of air. “But whenever I'm on stage, I’m afraid that I'll get lost again. Lost in this world, in this part of me that I keep caged and only let out when I’m in the spotlight. The part of me that relishes the stage a bit too much. Because that’s not really me anymore. I don’t want to return to being this person.”

You had seen Jaehyun in Japan. And you could understand why his fans went crazy over him. On stage, he radiated so much confidence and sexual appeal that you almost felt jealous of all the girls seeing the same in him as you and fell in love with him all overagain at the same time.

But Jaehyun at home wasn’t like that. He watched Money Heist in his checkered pajama bottoms, wore thick glasses as otherwise he wasn’t able to see, and currently spent as much time in the fitness studio as possible as he felt insecure about his build.

“In a crowd of ten thousands of people, it’s so easy to turn invisible,” he continued, “but I always search for you until I find you. Even when you’re not physically there, I sing a song and think about you, and you appear in my mind.”

You averted your eyes, touched by his words and letting his voiced concerns sink in. “What are you saying…”

“I’m saying…” He took your hands into his. “That because of you, I can be who I truly want to be, who I actually am, not this cocky asshole from the past. You keep me grounded, you bring out the best part of me. And while my fans don’t bring out the worst part of me, they’re always on the brink of luring it out, and it’s so tempting to me.”

From what Jaehyun had told you, at one point, he had wished to have a relationship with his fans like Taeyong did. More like friends with a mutual understanding, despite being fan and idol. His bandmate shared nearly everything with his beloved fans, so much that Jaehyun sometimes jokingly described it as a parasocial relationship.

But that was the difference between idols like Jaehyun and idols like Taeyong. Jaehyun kept everyone not privately involved with him at an arm's-length, because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone when he acted out of the box and not so perfect.

“You don’t always have to be perfect, Yuno.” You gently pressed his fingers together in a gesture of reassurance. “Even though they all expect it from you, it’s okay to be you every now and then. Especially around me. I don’t do perfect anyway. I want you to know that.”

“What happened to Taeyong predebut… It nearly destroyed him,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t want that to happen to me. Perfection is not only my image, it’s my shield.”

You dismissed the topic about Taeyong’s scandal quickly. Nobody in their dorm was allowed to talk about what had happened back then ever again, and you didn’t want to break this rule out of respect. “And now, he’s so loved and successful, coming out even stronger. He’s found his passion, his purpose in life. Flaws don’t make you unlovable, Yuno. I love every single one of your flaws, and I’m sure your fans would too.”

Jaehyun nudged his face between your thighs and you let your fingers run between his soft, blue hair that now reminded you of lapis lazuli. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Okay.” Then, quietness followed before he bluntly blurted, “You said you love me.”

You bit your tongue. “I said I love your flaws.”

“Which is technically the same,” he muffled into the fabric of your pants.

It wasn’t, to be exact. But it didn’t matter, because this was true, too.

Your palm still rested on the back of his head. Perhaps, that was the reason he wasn’t able to face you. It let things slip easier from your lips. You were thankful for that at this moment.

“Yes. I do. I love you.”

It was the first time that you told him this despite feeling it for quite a while already. You hadn’t expected to eventually come around, but now that you had, you were afraid of him not feeling the same, not being capable of feeling the same.

But after everything he had told you before, you knew that these doubts were unreasonable.

He loved you too. What was there to worry about in the end?

You bent down and placed a kiss on the top of his head. Taking you by surprise, Jaehyun rose at the same moment and grabbed you by your neck, pulling you close to him so that your foreheads almost touched, strands of his lapis lazuli colored hair in your vision.

“I love you too.”

____

“He won’t come out.”

Taeyong and Jungwoo stood in front of Jaehyun’s room when you arrived, worry etched into their faces. If they both weren’t able to get him out, how would you?

The day before, news broke out that Jaehyun, along with Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu had gone out together on April 25 to the dawn of April 26, visiting three locations in Itaewon - right after Covid restrictions of the first wave had eased. And people were furious.

You didn’t even remember that day anymore as you hadn’t seen each other before or after. Between comeback preparations and mc-ing, Jaehyun was busy as hell, and you let him enjoy his free time with his friends too, even though sometimes, you felt like you weren’t one of his top priorities anymore. But all of this didn’t matter at this moment.

“It’s the first big blow up he’s experiencing,” Taeyong explained to you with a low voice. “It’s currently too much for him to process and handle.”

“How am I supposed to help if you aren’t able to?” you wanted to genuinely know.

The main problem didn’t lie with the fact that they had visited the etablissements amidst the government’s advice to distance themselves socially. Though this was considered a problem too, of course.

The entire internet was furious that these young men hadn’t isolated themselves after someone, who had visited etablissements in the same area a week later, was officially tested positive for Covid. Thus, the government had recommended all visitors of this neighborhood between April 24 and May 6 to isolate themselves at home.

But no such thing had happened to the guys as they had carried on with their schedules as usual. Of course they had taken Covid tests, and you had too just in case, and they had all turned out negative.

But the internet was merciless.

“Did you talk to him yesterday?” Jungwoo asked.

You shook your head. The day this scandal surfaced was the first day Jaehyun hadn’t ever texted you nor picked up your calls. That was why you had connected with Taeyong and came here directly.

“Whatever I want to say… It doesn’t seem like it’s the right thing. I want to be careful, thinking about every word, wanting to encourage him. But I’m afraid, with what I have to say, I might hurt him even more despite not wanting to.”

“The most important thing is to not judge,” Taeyong recommended. “Whether it was right or wrong, he knows himself after having an emergency meeting with the management yesterday. You know what kind of person he is. Just… believe in him.”

“It’s a tough time for all of us since tomorrow is the comeback, and he has to face the entire world in that vlive.”

You looked at Jungwoo who had last spoken, now feeling even more discouraged, and your shoulders dropped. “This is not really my forte, you know. I’ve never experienced something like this, nor did I go through this with someone. I can just offer… myself.”

“But that’s enough.”

“I don’t know whether my presence is enough to soothe his heart, Taeyong. He apparently doesn’t need me. Or better say, he doesn’t want me here.”

“He may think he doesn’t need you, but deep inside, during hard times, the people we love are all we need. We try to push them away, cocooning ourselves in the comfort of loneliness and isolation when everything we need is the warmth of familiar arms wrapped around us in protection.”

The words spurting out of this man sometimes… No wonder he made his fans feel like they were actually acquaintanced. You were enchanted, too. “Okay. I’ll get in.”

Jaehyun’s entire room was dark, his curtains pulled together, the lamps off. The only source of light came from the tiny slit in between the fabric by the window that wouldn’t close seamlessly, so only a tiny bit of sunlight streamed in. Jaehyun himself laid on his bed, the blanket pulled over his entire body, and he had his head turned to face the wall.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m coming in,” you announced and waited for a few heartbeats.

No protest from Jaehyun. You moved your head, nodded at Taeyong and Jungwoo, and pulled the door closed behind you. When you had entered the dorm, you had already taken off your shoes, but now you also slipped out of your jacket, and it fell to the floor with a rustle.

On tiptoes, you approached Jaehyun’s bed and lifted the edge of the blanket. He wore a black t-shirt and checkered pajama bottoms, seemingly not having changed since this night or the one before. He wasn’t protesting, so you silently laid yourself next to him onto the mattress, pulling the covers back over you both.

Jaehyun’s body was warm, and you heaved up your left arm to drape it over his torso, nestling yourself against him and inhaling his scent. For a few moments, it felt awkward to you as he wasn’t responding to any of your gestures, and you were asking yourself whether what you were doing was even right or whether you were only making a fool of yourself.

But just as you were playing with the thought of leaving again, Jaehyun reached for your hand that had rested against his stomach and embraced your fingers with his palm, tightly. You let out a nearly vocal sigh of relief, closed your eyes and offered him your company like Taeyong had suggested.

At one point, you believed you had drifted off, so the voice was only faint, but you swore that he had said exactly these words,

“Thank you for being here.”

____

Withdraw from the group, Jaehyun. Don’t go on TV.

Just keep quiet, Jaehyun.

NCT’s Jaehyun, please keep to the social distancing guidelines.

Jaehyun, tell us some good restaurants in Itaewon.

Some hot places in Itaewon, too.

….

Jaehyun’s perfect image had gotten a crack.

On the vlive on comeback day, everyone acted normal, the jokes, everything. It wasn’t the first scandal NCT had faced, but the first one to involve their perfect main vocal all the girls were swooning over. That was why, on that specific day, they tried a bit harder.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun addressed the screen when he won the meat gifset, but he didn’t smile. He simply couldn’t bring himself to do so anymore as he had tried too hard in the past hour, and now all his energy had completely left him.

It had been hard for Jaehyun to force up a smile whenever he needed to speak to the camera, comments rolling over the screen, rendering his expressions icy. Usually, the section was filled with compliments on his good looks and other pleas for some kind of fanservice, but today, it was an endless stream of malicious comments.

Or so it seemed to him.

….

That’s hilarious. Go eat your meat at a club, Jaehyun.

He’ll eat that with his Itaewon fam and girls.

….

Taeyong had had his hand on Jaehyun’s chair and shoulders at times when he spoke, letting him know that he was there for him even though he couldn’t see the leader as everyone had to face the screen. Haechan and Yuta had also mentioned his name quite a lot, encouraging him to answer the questions, even though they weren’t the mcs. Yuta, along with Mark, had also tried to include him in their stories. Especially the first, who laid more on the quiet site in live broadcasts, had seemed to be more enthusiastic to include Jaehyun despite sitting quite far away from him.

Jaehyun was really grateful for that, for his brothers.

Yet, when the entire vlive was over and the cameras shut off, Jaehyun couldn’t help but to let out an audible sigh of relief.

“Thank god,” was he only thinking, “it’s finally over.”

It was the first time that he thought that. Usually, he enjoyed comeback schedules as it was the busiest, but also one of the greatest times with fans. But right now, Jaehyun never wanted to see a single one of them again.

Next, Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s palm was back on his shoulder in a secure gesture. “The comments… please don’t mind them. The majority were from our true fans and very supportive towards your situation. You okay?”

Last night, after you were gone, he had slept in Taeyong’s bed for the first time since trainee days. And despite the night before consisting of little to no sleep for him, it was nice to have someone familiar by his side again during such hard times, so that he had been able to close his eyes for a few hours.

Jaehyun shrugged. He knew there was no point in lying to Taeyong. They had known each other for so long, he’d sense it directly.

“I just don’t know how to get over it.” A deep frown was forming a creak between his brows, his eyes glistening. “Tell me… will I ever get over it?”

To his dismay, Taeyong was smiling, but rather sadly, almost apologetically. “There are situations that are going to burn themselves into your soul. We live for great things and relish them, but hard times are the ones that threaten to rip apart who we are. You don’t have to let it get that far.”

Jaehyun couldn’t imagine that this deep pain that he felt would ever vanish. It came along with a certain agony and anxiety he had never experienced to this extent before. This turmoil of unfamiliar feelings was so strange to him that at times he felt like he wasn’t able to catch air.

Like right now.

“Jaehyun…?”

He gasped for air, but somehow, it wouldn’t find its way into his lungs. His heart was racing so fast, it felt like it was burning right in his chest. And the last time he remembered he had sweated so much was during dance practice, not after an hour of sitting.

Jaehyun felt like someone with an iron grip had embraced him and wouldn’t let him go anymore, constraining his mobility, the movement of his lungs. Or why else would it be so hard for him to breathe right now?

He started to panik.

“Tae-... I-... I can’t…”

“Okay, sit down.” Taeyong led him back to the chair, not letting go of his arm the entire time and seated himself on the stool next to him. “Yuta, please get a glass of water, quick.”

Taeyong was constantly carressing Jaehyun’s arm and shoulder, patting his back and whispering encouraging words to him that didn’t quite get through his haze of panik. He was shaking and murmuring that he was scared while Taeyong responded with even more carressing and encouraging words.

“Calm down. Breathe, calmly. It’ll be over soon. Listen. Slowly, draw breath through your nose. Count until four. Do you follow me? Okay… one… two… three… four. Hold your breath for seven seconds… six… five… four… three… two… one. Now breathe out through your mouth, but count until eight! One… two… three… four… five… six…. seven…. eight. Now repeat again. Breathe in…”

Half an hour passed by until Jaehyun could see clearly and breathe normally again. It was the first time that he had had a panic attack, and this only marked the beginning of several more.

That day, Jungwoo moved into Jaehyun’s room.

____

“Since Jungwoo moved in with him, he seems much better,” you told Seulgi, spinning in your small chair. It was the perfect metaphora to what was going on in your head.

It had been two weeks since your boyfriend’s scandal, and the internet had quickly forgotten. You had read online that people announced they would unstan NCT because of that, but that wasn’t something new to you, and the amount of people actually going through with it was so minuscule, it didn’t have an effect.

The group’s released repackaged album ‘Neo Zone: The Final Round’ marked their best-selling album up to now and their first to exceed over one million total sales. Things were going well for the band despite the US tour they had been looking forward to so much getting temporarily postponed.

Everyone had seemed to move on. But Jaehyun had a hard time forgetting.

“His panic attacks still occur though, specifically shortly before he has to show himself in public. He fears he’s doing something wrong and then obsesses about it. Only his group members seem to be able to calm him down. I feel so… helpless.”

That was also the reason why he had stopped doing vlogs or going live. Jaehyun had never been the most approachable idol, but one could still see that he cared about his fans and that they were important to him, giving them tids and bits of himself.

Now, he had entirely shut down, because he didn’t want people to think he was self-centered and selfish. It had grown so important to him what the public thought about him as a person.

“It has quite an impact on your relationship, right?” Seulgi asked you compassionately.

You nodded. “Shutting himself off of the public meant shutting me out, too. He barely texts or even calls me, because he’s afraid people can track his record. He’s taken down his private instagram, because he’s scared it might get leaked. He only wants to meet in the dorm, because he’s afraid someone could follow him. His entire life has come to a standstill, including the parts where I play a role. Where I can understand all this and try to make his life as easy as possible, not triggering his attacks, it’s just… so hard, you know.”

“I probably don’t have to tell you that being with an idol is never easy. We’ve known each other too long for that,” Seulgi elaborated, whisking the spoon in her cup of tea and placing it back on the table. “What I want to tell you is that you should put an end to enabling. You might not be aware of this, but enabling behaviors are common when the partner suffers from a mental health condition. If your partner has anxiety, you may feel like you are being helpful if you are working to prevent them from feeling any distress. However, when you enable your partner, it prevents them from learning how to better manage their symptoms. Communicate with him about your expectations and needs. He surely wants you to as well.”

“I can tell him that I still need to communicate daily to check up on him?” you asked carefully.

Seulgi moved her head up and down so eagerly, her sleek strands stuck to the fabric of her t-shirt.

“I can tell him that I think going out will be good for him?”

Again, a nod.

“And I can also tell him that I don’t want him to hide his attacks from me?”

“Absolutely!” Seulgi raised a finger. “And there is one more important thing.”

You widened your eyes. “Which is…?”

“Practice forgiveness.”

You didn’t know what she meant by that, and you voiced your insecurity.

“He might be angry with you for not understanding his condition. There might be times where you will feel like whatever you do is wrong. You cannot do everything right, all at once. And you, on the other hand, might get frustrated with him too. You might develop feelings of resentment, believing he doesn’t work hard enough to cope with it.” You already parted your lips to object, but Seulgi shook her head. “I know you think that you will never feel this way. But you’re wrong. At one point, we all do. And when you’re going to think this, you’re going to feel guilty. Then, you have to forgive him and forgive yourself as well.”

You already felt guilty for having been mad at him once when he had canceled on you. Aside from still hiding his attacks from you, he still hadn’t explained to you what you should do when he might have a panic attack as he wanted to avoid having you witness that at all costs.

“Practice forgiveness,” you repeated. “I see.”

“It helps you let go of pent-up tension and anxiety, and you don’t even have to enable for that. I specifically said ‘practice’, because honestly, forgiving is easier said than done and mistakes from the past get carried around way too long.”

“Seulgi…” You cocked up your brow. “You sound as wise as Taeyong. It’s eerie.”

“Of course. We’re the bestest of company friends!”

____

Jaehyun typically tended to keep his thoughts and worries to himself. It was a long, emotional ride until you got him where you needed him to be with you: straight-forward, raw and achingly honest.

There were times you talked until the crack of dawn, and even though you were not fighting in the conventional way, you were still raising your voices and crying. First, because everything seemed so frustrating. Then, because you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off the both of you.

With Covid merging into its second, graver wave, life slowed down again. Not only for ordinary people like you, but in the idol world as well. Jaehyun didn’t have to go anywhere anymore except for when mc-ing for Inkigayo, and he was already so settled there that he didn’t have problems being on camera.

Amidst a once so bright and hectic life, Jaehyun found beauty in the silence and peace earth had currently forced him into, probably at the right time for him.

He let time fix the crack in his perfect facade.

____

And here you were again, out in public, in hats and masks, but he was finally willing to meet somewhere else outside of his dorm, even if it was only in the park nearby. You had willingly waited for him to come for you, to make this decision himself.

Today, it was warm and sunny, but not many people were roaming around outside, so it was the perfect opportunity to get Jaehyun to adjust to public life again.

He wanted you to behave normally, not always asking how he was feeling about certain things or walking on eggshells around him. If you didn’t treat him normally, he wouldn’t know what normal was anymore, so you gave it your best as you walked around side by side, and also hand in hand as no one, except for a few elderly people, passed by you every now and then.

As you witnessed how Jaehyun was staying relaxed, you could let go of all the worries now as well. It was almost like before. Almost.

That was until you sensed his fingers cramping around yours, and his breathing now coming in hitches.

“Yun-” You stopped in your tracks. Then, you also heard the noises, most likely coming from young people around the corner.

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun calmed you down, and his hand loosened around yours. “Somehow… it’s okay. It’s going away.”

“Really?”

Taeyong had taught you the breathing method that he usually practiced when Jaehyun had a panic attack again. You had studied it together with him thoroughly in case it would happen when you were together. You were prepared, you were ready to accompany him through this.

“Really.” And then, his breathing became normal again. “It passed by. For the first time… oddly, it just withdrew.”

“How come?” You bent your head in question.

Jaehyun shrugged, but a soft smile was coming forward on his lips. “I don’t doubt that you play a huge part in calming the atmosphere. In keeping me calm. And that nature has this kind of effect on me too. It’s… healing.”

“I’m not doing anything,” you said, not quite understanding where this enlightenment came from.

But neither was Jaehyun. “I assume… that’s the two places where I feel comfortable and relaxed the most. With you. With nature.”

You didn’t let it show, but it was the best and most genuine compliment he could have given you. All ‘I love you’’s and ‘I miss you’’s aside, this message rooted from deep within, from the bottom of his heart, and he meant it all.

“You want to continue walking?” you asked and squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Yes.”

If making him feel better, feel more relaxed, would mean touring the park for hours, then you would willingly and happily do so.

“I’m not sad about the US tour getting entirely canceled. I’m relieved even. Is that bad?” he suddenly opened up.

From the way Jaehyun worded it, it seemed like this was something that had been on his mind for a very long time and something that he hadn’t let the other group members in on. How would he be able to, when everyone had been brooding for weeks that the tour had suddenly definitely been canceled?

You shook your head. “If it sets your heart at ease, don’t ever feel bad for anything.”

“You sound like Taeyong. It’s eerie.”

You chuckled. “It rubs off.”

“But seriously… I’m relieved that I have more time to adjust to my new condition. To learn how to deal with it and live with it as the person I am now. The therapist says that I’m on the right path, and when I tell him about what happened today, he may acknowledge it as a milestone. I know people curse this entire lockdown that the pandemic brought along, but to me, it came at the right time. Life slowed down, and so can I. As idols, we barely have free time, and now, I have so much time in my hands, I don’t know what to do first.”

“Tell me about it,” you encouraged him. “I want to know about every single one of your plans. What’s on your long list? What did you always want to do and can finally convert?”

“I want to play more basketball. I want to play more piano. And you know what? I also want to write my own songs, compose songs again… yeah, that’s something I would want to do.”

Jaehyun was perking up and you really loved seeing this look on his face. Even through a mask his eye smile really stood out. And like his words, it was genuine and almost like before his world broke down. Almost. “Go on.”

“I also want to try simple things like baking. I’ve never baked in my life. Did you? Can you show me?”

“Of course.”

“Now?”

He nodded eagerly. “Now. We’re going to buy ingredients and then we’re going to bake the first cake of mine together.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

If it made him happy, you’d do anything with him.

____

“Take them off.”

Swallowing down the lump in your throat, you unbuttoned your shorts and slid them over your bum, down your legs. Jaehyun gazed at your lacy, red underwear and slowly traced his fingers up your thigh, making his way under the seam of your panties. He pulled the fabric aside, baring you. You ran your hand up his chest and wrapped it around the back of his neck.

By gently running his fingers down the side of your face, he forced your lids closed. Only seconds later, you felt his tongue gliding up your slit, causing you to gasp and your entire body to tense.

“Oh, Yuno.”

“Shhhh, it’s in the middle of the night.”

“I don’t have roommates or anything.”

“But the walls here are paper thin too, so better be safe than sorry and risk awkward stares from your neighbors.”

Before you could retort anything, he licked you up and down slowly, dragging his tongue over your clit. Your fingers buried themselves into the thick linen of your sheets as Jaehyun latched out onto your nub, sucking it gently into his mouth.

You arched your back up, your front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, biting hard into the flesh as you opened your eyes up and angled your neck to watch what he was doing to you. Jaehyun groaned and swirled his tongue around you, tugging your clit out between his lips and diving back in for more, repeatedly.

The pulse between your legs throbbed as blood collected in your nether regions, causing the warmth at your entrance to expand as you simultaneously grew wetter. You hadn’t deemed it possible as you had already had sex before, but apparently, Jaehyun had another mission tonight.

It was the first time in a long while that he was in the mood for sex again, and even though the past weeks had been hard in that term, you had patiently waited until he was ready again - just like him in the beginning. And today was the day.

Jaehyun pushed up one of your knees, fully opening you to him, and started to go harder and faster, more intense and more greedy. His tongue licked, his lips grabbed and sucked until he covered you with his entire mouth, massaging and draping over your clit until your cries only came out as hollow whimpers.

When he finally dived in, penetrating you with his tongue, you begged for release. “Please, Yuno, please…”

You bucked your hips, trying to get deeper and meet him, your breasts swaying back and forth in rhythm. Moving with him, you felt the tingling constantly building up more and more as his tongue worked inside of you, now having support from his hand as well.

“Oh god, Yuno, yes, yes, yes!”

Every muscle in your body contracted so tightly, your orgasm exploded, spreading through your entire body to the very tips of every limb. If your neighbors awkwardly stared at you after this, it would have been totally worth it.

After the past, cloudy months, life seemed happy, normal for the both of you again in terms of personal matters. You spent as much time with each other as possible as the group barely had schedules, and to you, it felt like a relationship with someone who was not an idol. An ordinary guy. You wanted to enjoy it for as long as it still lasted.

“I’m so glad that you are much happier.” You tucked a strand of Jahyun’s hair behind his ear when he laid down next to you, but it got loose right away again.

He faced you from the side and brushed his thumb over your cheek. “Me too.”

____

But life during the pandemic was hard on the entire band.

At first, they had taken this idle state as an opportunity to work on their own, private projects, writing lyrics, composing, dancing and just doing the things normal young men did without the pressure of being idols. They discovered new hobbies, went to the gym and spent time with family and friends. They enjoyed having little to no obligations for once in their young lives.

But when month after month passed with no end to the pandemic in sight, with travel restrictions and with the entire world seemingly shutting down, they came to the realization that this state would probably not only be temporary.

Before, during comebacks, the group headed to the salon at 1am, left for the broadcasting station at 4am and rehearsed there until 9am. Then, they continued filming content for a few hours and had to be at the live music shows around afternoon where they only finished later in the evening if they didn’t have fan signings events. All that with only a few hours of breaks in between. The next day, this process repeated. Every single day.

You weren’t surprised that they enjoyed this quiet and peaceful lifestyle at first. But you also weren’t surprised when they slowly grew restless. Those young men were born for the stage, it was not only their job, but what they actually lived for, why they had come so far, and a few advertisements here and there couldn’t fill the void that was steadily growing inside each of them.

They were worried about their future that had once seemed so prosperous. Worried about whether a future as this band was actually still in the books for them as they had given up everything for it.

But Jaehyun was one of the few who didn’t worry much.

Despite life having almost come to a standstill, he had gotten an offer he couldn’t decline in the middle of the year. As each member of NCT began looking and hoping to establish a career elsewhere, the opportunity just flew into Jaehyun’s lap.

Of course he had played with the thought of being an actor. But in the past, all his possibilities had gotten declined, because he was so involved in the growing international recognition of NCT, and that was where his newly awakened curiosity stemmed from. For the first time since joining the band, he played with the idea that there was something else he would like to base his future on, something he deemed more relaxed with less pressure on public appearance than the schedule of an idol.

It had taken Jaehyun much time, many angry tantrums and more convincing reasons to have his management approve as they were mainly worried about what his fan base might think about him openly forming a relationship with someone, even possibly having to act out kissing scenes. They wanted to keep him entirely in NCT for as long as possible, for all the fame and popularity he attracted.

But Jaehyun didn’t care, and he went through hell and back with his management until they reluctantly acknowledged that during these times, it was the only way to not let him drift into the background and finally let him officially accept the role als Cha Minho in Dear. M.

Filming began in October.

____

“No message from him today either?”

You felt Seulgi rubbing soothing patterns on your back as you stared at your phone that was placed in front of you on the table. It had been an entire week without Jaehyun calling you, and the only sign of life came through a kakaotalk emoji three days ago. Since then, you had been left on unread.

“When we got together, he promised me something.”

“I know. I haven’t seen him lately either though.”

“I’m aware he’s filming, mc-ing and simultaneously preparing for the comeback next month, but is it so hard?” you complained, turning to your friend. “Just shooting the person, who you’re apparently in love with so much, who should be the one you think of the most, one single text by the end of the day to tell them you’re alive and okay? I don’t get it.”

“Sometimes, it indeed is,” Seulgi carefully tried to explain. “Sometimes, during comebacks, we try to squeeze 48 hours of work into 24, and we use the free minutes in between to just come down and rest, do things for us without worrying about anyone or anything else. We need that. Sometimes, it’s much harder than it sounds.”

“Even during such times, he usually managed to do it.” You let out a rush of air, suppressing the boiling anger that threatened to come out with your following words, “Since he started filming, we barely see each other, talk to each other. When we do, he hardly has anything to share with me and I do most of the talking. It’s been two months, and for almost just as long I feel like I’ve been single again. Am I demanding too much?”

Seulgi shrugged. “I’m sure that when you two talk, you can sort it out. I wouldn’t know either how it is to be an idol and an actor at the same time.”

“I asked him when I could see him again, but he didn’t even read that.”

“You know what?” Your friend arose from your seat. “Put on your jacket, you’re going over to the dorm.”

Your brows moved together to express confusion as you voiced your concerns, “I’ve never been over without informing him before.”

“Then it’s time. He sleeps at home every night, right?

____

“No, Jaehyun isn’t here,” Taeyong told you upon opening the door. “He hasn’t been here in a few days. He sleeps over close to the set, because he’s got a few night shoots ahead of him.”

“Oh.” You dropped your head, feeling like ordered food that hadn’t been picked up, so embarrassed as well.

And Taeyong noticed, his mien softening. “You… haven’t known.”

“No.”

On your way here, your disappointment had gradually shifted to anticipation, a touch of happiness even as you had hoped to see your boyfriend again. Now, every little approach of making you feel better about this relationship got destroyed by his band mate breaking it down to you that he had been gone for a few days already without informing you.

But it wasn’t sadness that settled in instead, replacing shame. It was burning anger, starting off as a low flame in the pit of your stomach that was fastly growing and threatening to expand into a full wildfire so intense, you would feel it in the tips of your fingers.

You weren’t worried that Jaehyun was cheating on you. This was something you had never considered to be stressed about, because if a man wanted to cheat, he would, and there was nothing one could do to prevent it. You had chosen to trust the man you loved, and you still did.

What worried you was that he might have let the importance of this relationship slip, neglecting it, neglecting you. And it hurt as hell.

“You know what I’ve been doing?” You drew your brows together at Taeyong’s randomness, your fists clenched as you silently remarked. “I was just finishing up a new song I composed. You want to be the first one to listen to it?”

You knew what he was trying to do. To be a good friend to you by suggesting that you didn’t need to have your time wasted after coming all the way here, and simultaneously being a good friend to Jaehyun by not disclosing to you further information about his whereabouts that might hurt you.

He was such a sweetheart, and you clearly understood more why Seulgi treasured their friendship so much.

Your fingers relaxed, dropping to your sides. “Sure.” You stepped into the dorm, and it was unexpectedly quiet. Most of the others must have all gone out. “How’s it called?”

“Dark Clouds.”

What a fitting title to your current mood as well.

____

“Everything okay?” Jaehyun asked you under his breath.

You nodded and pulled his face back to yours, the sweaty tips of his bangs tickling your forehead as your lips locked again in a hard kiss that left you both winded. His rhythmic thrusts inside of you jarred your body to every last fiber, and you tried to focus on all the favorable things he made you feel during this act despite your thoughts always drifting off.

Same hotel room, same short-lived night in the arms of your boyfriend.

You knew it was only a few hours that you could spend with him before you had to sneak out again as the other actors and actresses resided in the building as well, and you should better enjoy the very limited time you had together. But today, you felt especially insecure about your relationship.

Still having him move on top of you, you hugged Jaehyun harder against your chest as though to make sure that you were still present and somehow alive, and he let out an affirmative groan that broke through the quietness of rustling sheets and heavy panting, only the dim light of the bedside lamp giving you the possibility to catch a glimpse at his satisfied expression that you couldn’t relate with.

“...yes,” he whispered into your ear, his fingers curling into yours which he then pressed into the pillow. “Almost there.”

Licking you all the way up from the hollow of your chin to your lips, for a moment, you had the feeling to finally be able to let yourself fall and relish this very rare moment. But as soon as you weighed yourself in the safety of his welcoming arms, your mind went astray again to rather unpleasant thoughts.

Perhaps, it was because you hadn’t seen each other in two weeks again and wished for a few hours more. Most likely though, it was because of the smile which he now directed at you. The smile of which you knew didn’t differ much from the one he directed at every crowd whenever he stood on stage and that you experienced in person less and less.

He was here with you, physically. But you still missed him dearly.

You were far from being on the same page as his body convulsed on top of you, and the pain that you felt emotionally nearly turned physical as you weren’t able to share this special moment with him, that was how much it affected you, growing into tears that started flowing the second his body came down next to you.

“That was amazing.”

Jaehyun wanted to pull you into an embrace, sliding his fingers between your thighs already to finish you off himself, and he was still so in the mood that your disconnection totally passed by him, even when you turned to the other side, brushing off his hand.

It was not until the tears dropped onto the sheets, leaving a dark stain, and with you arising from the bed that he sensed something wasn’t right with you. And he was quick to react by grabbing you by your wrist, making you stop.

“Hey…” His voice was soft, attentive - a rare occurrence lately. But it came too late. “What’s wrong?”

So many things were wrong.

You considered yourself a fitting girlfriend for an idol in terms of tolerance, support and patience. But what you had gone through these past weeks, you didn’t wish upon your biggest enemy. The constant uncertainty, the minimum of communication, the lack of physical closeness. The sheer fact that your relationship had grown so unimportant to your boyfriend that whatever you did to prevent it, was to no avail.

It was like your boyfriend and the idol inside of him, who had been two different people in the meantime, couldn’t be differentiated anymore. It was like the Jaehyun who had jumped right into bed with a trainee after confessing his attraction to you was back. You could only desperately search for the person you loved in this idol’s eyes.

The person you loved would text you more than a one liner per week to keep in touch with you. The person you loved wouldn’t toss the pictures you had taken together into the abyss of their phone. The person you loved wouldn’t call you over for a few hours at night only like an escort girl. The person you loved would do everything in their might to show you that you were different from everyone else.

You couldn’t find this person in Jaehyun. Not anymore.

You knew that your boyfriend was still there somewhere, somehow, but you hadn’t seen him in so long already, and you wondered whether he could ever take off this idol’s mask ever again or whether this was the person he had turned into now and would keep. But you wanted to be with your boyfriend, not an idol.

“I want to go.”

You cried silently as you fished for your underwear and slowly dressed yourself despite Jaehyun’s protests in the background. He held your hand, he hugged you, he shook you, desperate to make you stay, but his voice seemed worlds afar, a montone ring only audible in your ears.

On your way out, you hit over a vase, but you couldn’t care less about it as you were only fixated on collecting your belongings and storming out of the room before his muscular arms would wrap around you again, and you knew for sure that this time, you couldn’t withstand for that long but would fall back into his embrace again once he touched you.

“Please! Stay!”

Jaehyun luckily struggled with his clothes, giving you enough time to open the door and closing it shut behind you a second later. Your shoes in your hand, you ran to the elevator, only hearing his room open again before you were gone from the floor.

At this very moment, you were more relieved than sad.

____

By the end of the year, NCT looked into a brighter future upon releasing their second studio album ‘Resonance Pt. 1’ & ‘Pt. 2’ as a whole, reunited group and stood on the big stage again.

It all came back. The spotlight, the fame, the success. Everything was going well.

Especially for the perfectly restored idol Jaehyun.

____

2021

“Congratulations on finishing filming!”

You had baked Jaehyun a cake. It had three soft and fluffy layers with raspberry buttercream between each of them, covered with vanilla frosting and an elaborate writing that was exactly the first word you had just now directed at him. It was also similar to the first cake you had baked together. But Jaehyun barely spared it a glance.

“I’m so tired.” He directly threw himself onto your bed, the mattress giving in under him with a squeak.

“You don’t want a slice?” Your gaze shifted between him and the cake, and you were so dumbfounded by this passive reaction to your surprise gesture that you didn’t quite know how to properly react.

“No, I’m still on a diet.” You didn’t see him rolling his eyes, but you clearly sensed it. “You know.”

“Filming is over. Aren’t you supposed to eat whatever you can now?”

“But this appearance is what will get me famous. Like Eunwoo.”

This time, you were the one to roll your eyes, and you did it right in his field of vision. You were so tired of hearing sentences like “When this drama airs, I will become more known in the acting world, getting more important jobs” or “It’s my springboard, I have to continue working hard and cannot slack off.”

With every sentence, he was indicating that the time before he had turned into an idol-actor wouldn’t come back, and the way he was behaving now still was proving it to you quite the hard way. There was no sign of Yuno anymore, and it had been so long since you had last seen him.

It didn’t feel like you were in a relationship at all anymore, and despite you doing everything in your might to change that, giving your all, giving your best, it was expected that your partner needed to meet you at least halfway. But Jaehyun didn’t even meet you at the starting point.

He simply didn’t care anymore.

Disappointed, but not surprised, you got a slice of cake for yourself and seated yourself at the table, quietly eating the cake while Jaehyun was playing on his phone, and you bit down every single tear that burned at the rim of your eyes. At least, he was planning on staying the night, but you knew that you only fooled yourself into thinking that this might save your relationship, clinging onto every last straw.

Your Yuno was still there, you knew that. He was just hiding behind this cold, indifferent idol that only seemed to care about himself. As long as you didn’t give up too, there was still hope that you could get him back.

“The 97-liners are going to a club tonight. They just texted me. Mind if I join them?”

This time, you didn’t try to conceal your disappointment. And your anger. “This is the first evening in two weeks that we’ve seen each other again, despite you being back for a few days already.” You spoke slowly and clearly, but not to get your point through, but to tame your pent-up anger.

“We saw each other at the dorm three days ago.” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows as though he really believed a sit-in with his band mates where he had rarely paid attention to you equaled a couple date. “Do you want to start this discussion again?”

“Hell yes I will!” You threw your fork back onto the table, your voice dripping with rage. “The past months, we’ve hardly spent time together! And no, I’m not counting the nights you sneaked me in and out of a hotel room like a prostitute! That’s what I am to you right now, aren’t I, Jaehyun?!”

“I told you I was busy filming, you knew I was busy filming!” He now sat up on the bed, annoyance drawn all over his face and his tone just as filled with fury. “I’m not only an idol now, but an actor as well! I will get busier! That’s my life! You knew before you got together with me!”

“I got together with a person who cared about me! About making this relationship work despite his job, despite his busy schedule! Not a celebrity with his head in the clouds who only cares about his career!”

Jaehyun sharply shot back at you, “Aren’t I supposed to make the most out of my life?! To live my dream, reaching for the stars?! Why would you want to be a hindrance?!”

“A hindrance?!” you shrieked in disbelief and pointed a trembling finger at him. “No! You don’t get to turn my words around like that! That’s not what I’ve been telling you, Jaehyun! You know I support your career endlessly! I’m your biggest supporter, your motivator, can’t you remember?!” Your finger then dropped to the cake and the writing on it that said ‘Congratulations’. “You don’t get to twist the story to your advantage, because you realize that I’m right!”

Jaehyun bared his teeth, the edges of his mouth turning up. That smile was not kind. Mean even, almost eerie. You shuddered at his slow, ice cold voice. “You think that you’re in the right alone, don’t you? Then try concentrating on your work with your girlfriend texting you all day long about unimportant stuff just to stay in touch. Try paying attention to learning the script and staying focused with someone at home blowing up your phone, because she doesn’t get enough attention. Try not growing dismissive and unattached to that person, because whenever you get a new message, a new call, it stresses you out, adding more pressure and strain to your already hard job. Try not starting to resent that person for all that. You think you’re in the right alone? Surprise! You’re not.”

There was no reason to be so nasty about it, using such hurtful wording, but Jaehyun was all that, every word like a dagger that bore into your heart. “Why haven’t you told me all that?” Your words, only like a whisper with water collecting in your eyes.

“Because, like every other girl before, you just won’t listen.” He was standing now, but made no move to get close to you, to pull you into an embrace and tell you that everything was going to be fine again, that you would work this out together. Instead, his following words were like a cold bucket of iced water that got poured over you all at once. “You just won't understand that every now and then, I can’t give you what every other guy could. Sometimes, the truth is that I don’t want to give it to you. Sometimes, I want to be a boyfriend. Sometimes, I want to be an idol. Right now, I want to be an idol and an actor, and most of the time, there is only room for two out of three.”

“I’m annoying you?” You felt like you got wrapped up in cotton, so sedated. “You don’t want me anymore?”

“God, why wouldn’t you-!” He led his fingers to his temples as though he was getting a headache from your questions. “Sometimes, it’s not about you! This time, it’s about me, what I want! I can’t give you ‘the boyfriend’, because it’s not my priority right now! I’m still young, there is so much I can still venture, and I want it all!”

“But that’s not how it works when you have decided to be in a relationship,” you disagreed, tears now streaming down your cheeks, yet he still didn’t seem to care. “You can’t just call me when you need someone to warm your bed. You made a commitment, you have to nurture our relationship, care about it. What is the point in not doing so, in shoving it away when it’s not convenient for you, when it doesn’t fit your schedule? You don’t want it anymore?”

Your stomach churned, and you suddenly felt so sick, having it run hot and cold down your spine. Had you really been suffocating him, demanding too much and not adapting to his circumstances and needs? Perhaps, requiring to stay in contact every day when you were exhausted and overworked wasn’t what your partner needed. But if it was what you needed on your end, how would you ever find a common ground?

Of course you had silently thought about breaking up. So many times already, if you were being honest, and the amount of thoughts revolving around that topic was only increasing with each passing day. But now that the proposal had vocally slipped from your mouth, you wished you could take it back.

You wanted him to deny it, to fight for you. But even now, he didn’t seem to care. For this Jaehyun, you wouldn’t willingly or happily do anything anymore. He had drained you of your perseverance, joy, goodwill, spirit and life, and had given you nothing in return. This Jaehyun didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve you.

“Why would you still want it?” was his monotone question in return.

You sank onto your knees now, your face buried in your palms. “Because I love you, Yuno. Don’t you… love me too?”

“I don’t know.” Again, no softness or feelings in his tone. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

When he walked out of the room shortly after, leaving you there alone in your puddle of tears, you realized you might have lost Yuno forever to the cocky, selfish Jaehyun.

____

Two weeks later, it was officially announced that the premiere of the first episode of Dear. M was going to be postponed due to emerging school time bullying allegations against the lead actress.

Only shortly before, you had officially broken up with Jaehyun after tip-toeing around that topic for so long. Even then, he hadn’t seemed to care much and had only responded with a shrug.

When the news about Jaehyun’s postponed drama had first reached you, you wanted to call him immediately, knowing how hard he had worked for it. Just because you had split from someone for you both to lead a better life, didn’t mean you stopped loving and caring about this person.

But you didn’t reach out.

____

Jaehyun was struggling with a heartbreak and a scandal at the same time. The latter again, the first was new to him in that intensity.

He knew it was best for you to let go of him as he hadn’t been able to give you what you were expecting from a relationship, and for him to not lose focus of what he still wanted to achieve in life. At first, he had only felt relief, as ruthless as it might sound, but it felt like a huge responsibility had been lifted off his shoulders.

Then, a few nights later, alone in his bed while scrolling through your old pics that he had kept buried in his phone, he had cried. And the night after that. And the night after that. Even now, two months later, this heavy feeling still laid itself around his chest, making it hard for him to breathe when he was alone, similar to his panic attacks in the past.

Only with this feeling, there was no method to lessen the pain.

“I’m not a kind person anymore, Taeyong.” Jaehyun kneaded his fingers as he was sitting in the grass, the warm spring sun warming his face under the mask. “I don’t know what happened. This is not me. I dread video calls with fans, and it shows. I don’t direct nice words at other people anymore, and they notice. I don’t care about feelings, about hurt anymore. What’s happening with me?”

Taeyong fiddled with the camera in his hands that he had used to take photos shortly before. He had brought his friend to this botanical garden to stroll around in nature as for him, it always held a calming and relaxing atmosphere, and this was something he suggested Jaehyun needed. Some healing time in one of his favorite places to be, pure nature.

“You’ve let this life consume you,” Taeyong broke it down to him, the harsh truth, and settled in the grass next to him. “You got lost. You thought you were going to be a big star, that you didn’t need anyone anymore. You started to only care about yourself and neglected the people around you. And I’m not only referring to your ex, but also to us. You pushed them all away.”

“Lost, hm.”

In the end, he had really come so far. Lost in this world, in this part of him that he had wanted to keep caged and only let out when he was in the spotlight. The part of him that savored his position on stage a bit too much - it had fully taken control of him.

Jaehyun ruffled his hair that was glistening in the evening sun. It was true that he had made everything a priority except for the people who had always been there for him. Stardom had gotten to his head, but he just hadn’t wanted to lose focus when the breakthrough was so close.

… until it had gotten stripped away from him all over, and the people who were left were the ones who had always been by his side. Except for you.

Jaehyun was aware that he owed you a big apology like the one he had directed at his group mates only the day before. But he just couldn’t bring himself to, because for him, it wouldn’t change a thing about your situation despite holding so many regrets.

Jaehyun still wanted to become big, and there was only so much time he could sacrifice for a working relationship. He couldn’t give you what you wanted. And at one point, he didn’t want to as well. You deserved someone who was like the Yuno you had had a great time with, not the Jaehyun right now, hungry for success.

And as he had feared in the beginning, it had all come down to that: his life had ruined everything you had built together. People like him came to destroy, they didn’t come to stay. It just didn’t work out with ordinary partners, no matter how hard they tried, how hard they fought. At one point, they would all need to give up. Even now, he remembered Soyeon’s words.

There was no end to this pain like there was no end to the ocean’s waters.

“How do you do it?” Jaehyun then asked Taeyong, and his friend knew directly what he meant without him having to elaborate further.

“Deep inside, I’m still only Taeyong. I didn’t lock that little boy away. I’m an idol, a composer, a leader, but I’m always also a son, a grandson and a friend. You have to embrace all of them. Don’t ever forget that.”

For Jaehyun, it was only so hard to be all of them at the same time.

If so, then he needed to let go of perfection - the sole thing he was made to identify with. If so, what would be left of him?

____

The school time bullying allegations surrounding the lead actress of Dear. M didn’t get resolved directly, and hence the premiere of the drama got postponed for an undetermined time.

Life slowed down for Jaehyun once more as he was also replaced as an mc on Inkigayo. And although some people in his group held grudges against him until now for the way he had acted so indifferent towards the band during drama filming, he entered his own redemption arc.

Jaehyun spent more time doing things for himself like playing the guitar, the keyboard or attempting to compose songs. He went to the gym with Xiaojun, accompanied Taeyong to his friend’s recording studio and even started playing basketball again with his non idols friends.

Still, he didn’t consider being in a relationship anymore at this point in his life. He wanted to learn how to love himself more, embrace all parts of him, the good and the bad, before he would find himself in the position to transfer this love to someone else.

Right now, he was practicing pulling up temporary shields to not let negative feelings consume him, getting out of bed every morning with positive thoughts despite cruel comments, and looking out for a bright future although there seemed to be never ending hindrances.

Jaehyun still believed in love, but it was also still not his priority.

____

By the time of the release of NCT 127’s third studio album ‘Sticker’ in September, Jaehyun was almost fully back on track with himself and his career.

‘Sticker’ was the highest pre-ordered K-pop album in one day and got sold over 2.4 million times within a week after its release. On top of that, ‘Sticker’ also became the highest ranking K-pop album on the chart in 2021, followed by the release of the repackaged album ‘Favorite’ that didn’t fall short in terms of success, making it the best selling album from the company.

But Jaehyun still wanted more. He didn’t only want to be an idol. As an idol, his success was limited. In five or ten years, he couldn’t and possibly didn’t want to be one anymore anyway when the contract ended and his band mates all decided to go their own ways, so Jaehyun considered getting a foot into any door before time ran up.

If they wouldn’t air ‘Dear. M’, then he would find something else, no matter how hard he would need to fight for it. And Jaehyun fought like a tiger. For every offer, magazine shoot, ambassador position, another drama, movie, the release of a solo song - to no avail.

So Jaehyun didn’t quite understand why they let him take on one of the lead roles in the remake of the movie ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’. Out of all romcoms which he had gotten offered that would make a great start to kick off his acting career, the management had decided that he would do this specific movie that immediately drew attention for its content.

But Jaehyun wouldn’t complain. He would adapt. Perhaps, not debuting with a romcom was exactly what he was looking for. Having to deal with such an extraordinary plot would get him some great recognition as a debut actor who didn’t go by the stigma of an idol rookie actor playing the dreamy playboy. His natural talent and hard working attitude would not get overshadowed by his looks, letting people see past his perfect outward appearance.

It was a great opportunity, and Jaehyun took it, positively looking into the future, full of hope.

____

Jaehyun didn’t want to continue anymore.

Yet, he stood on the stage of Gocheok Sky Dome and sang in front of all these people who were attending the first concert in the ‘Neo City - The Link’ tour when inwardly, he only wanted to disappear.

Witnessing how his band mates were jumping, singing and laughing around him and none of this merriness transferred to him, Jaehyun believed that he couldn’t feel anything anymore. But he needed to play along, jumping, singing and laughing with them.

Since the cancellation of ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’ due to the author’s religious beliefs and his management confessing that they had only used this news for clout, there had been more than one occasion where Jaehyun had thought about quitting all this, even standing on the big stage.

He had the looks, but they only wanted him to be the poster child of his band. He had the talent, but it didn’t get supported. He had the determination, but he was chained to a tight contract for a few more years.

What was it worth living for if you couldn’t live your dream?

He was currently feeling so lost again. And that was also the name of his solo stage’s name that night, ‘Lost’.

He had written it at a time when he was feeling lonely. He still did. Throughout the downs of the past months, he had wished that you were there to take him into your arms and comfort him like back then during his Itaewon scandal. But Jaehyun also knew that he didn’t deserve you thinking about him, and didn't deserve an ounce of your forgiveness.

Yet, he poured all his feelings into this song, hoping that somehow, they would reach you. That you would be scrolling through the internet later that night and stumble upon videos and articles, listening to the lyrics and knowing exactly that he was singing about you, even though you weren’t physically there.

….

“It's been a long time since you're gone

Still filled up with the scent of your warmth

And staring at a blank wall

Drawing what's been natural”

….

It had almost been a year since your break up, and for the most time, he had been blind to the truth. If you didn’t have supporters on the path to success and just dropped everyone along the way because you see them as baggage, who would be waiting for you once you’ve reached the greatest of heights? Who would stand at the top, cheering for you as you sprinted the last meters, sharing your happiness? And who would, at the same time, wait at the bottom to catch you when you fell just to help you up again?

….

“The days are empty and without you

It's just me on my side

But when my arms are around you

There's nothing else to crave”

….

Jaehyun tried so hard to bite down his tears as his feelings seemed to bristle all at once. On stage, he was so vulnerable, all eyes and cameras on him only, every tone heard, every expression monitored. But that was the only way that you could see him, hear him out, so he endured all of it. Jaehyun had so many regrets, but he also knew he was too late.

….

“But I need to say (Oh, I feel so lost)

‘Nobody else,’ but need you to stay

By any chance, it might've been too late, too late”

….

If you didn’t forgive him, then he only wanted to make sure that you acknowledged what he was singing. What he was still feeling after all.

But curtain call, and another two concerts passed by without another word from you.

____

2022

In January, NCT 127 won the daesang at the Seoul Music Awards. They were at the peak of their career.

But to Jaehyun, it still meant nothing.

In 2023, Taeil would be joining the army. Taeyong possibly after that, and with their leader gone, Jaehyun wasn’t sure whether they would stay with this constellation, shift entirely or each member going on doing their own thing. He probably only had one year left.

But Jaehyun didn’t even know what his own thing was. He was good at singing, playing instruments, composing, writing lyrics and even acting if he said so himself, but none of that seemed to get him to the same level as Taeyong, for example, who had released one solo demo after another on his Soundcloud. Of course Jaehyun had accompanied him and had been supported by him, but after long writing and composing sessions he felt even more confused than before.

With all of his solo projects getting either indefinitely postponed, canceled or beaten down by his own management, Jaehyun felt disheartened and discouraged. Like a failure, and even his perfect visuals couldn’t get him out of this slump except for pulling off a few grimaces when he got asked to do aegyo in fancalls once again.

He dreaded his current life. And he didn’t care about perfection anymore. From one day to the other, he just stopped caring about that. He was aware now that, even though it seemed like it from the outside thanks to his good looks and his public image, with everything real he had done and gone through:

Jaehyun was far from being perfect.

He had never, ever been. He had been forced to play this certain role since debut, and it had restricted him from living his best life, who he truly was and wanted to be.

He was a liar, and he was deceiving everyone, playing the charming prince when someone else inside of him, someone more real, begged to be set free, released into the world for everyone to see. Perfection was a curse and there was no one to lift it.

“You want to come to the studio with me?” Taeyong peeked through the door, but Jaehyun just pulled the blanket over his head and turned to the wall.

“No.”

He couldn’t quite remember the last day he had seen more than this room, most of his free time getting spent sleeping since the end of the promotions. Jaehyun was kind of grateful, no, more relieved, that there were no plans for a comeback soon or any kind of bigger job for him, so he could spend all of his time in his bed, far away from the spotlight.

The spot next to him on the mattress gave in, and Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he noticed his friend getting seated next to him on the bed.

“I liked the cocky, reckless Jaehyun from before more, even though he wasn’t a very nice person,” Taeyong said quietly, his fingers draping over the duvet where he assumed his friend’s shoulder to be, continuously rubbing soothing patterns into it. “At least he was woke. Alive. Lively. Most of all, I liked Yuno of course. Aside from being determined and full of light, he was also kind. This Jaehyun…” Taeyong paused. “This Jaehyun scares me.”

The sheets rustled, but Jaehyun made no efforts to show himself to his friend. Taeyong didn’t remember when he had last come out of his room either except for using the bathroom. Lately, Jungwoo usually brought food into the shared bedroom which he had mainly left untouched in the beginning. With time, Jaehyun’s appetite hadn’t increased, but at least he was now willing to eat half of each dish.

Taeyong also couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Jaehyun shower. And he must know, because when they had left him alone in the bathroom the week prior, they had to call for Johnny to break the door open, because Jaehyun had spent too much time locked in it, worrying all of them. In the end, he had only laid in the tub and blandly stared at the tiles for hours until the water had all run cold.

“Yuno is dead,” Jaehyun muttered under the blanket. “His dreams all shattered. He doesn’t have a future.”

“Then Taeyong is dead, too.”

“What are you saying… Without Taeyong, there is no NCT.”

“Without you, there is no NCT either.”

“But what can I contribute as an artist?” Despite his voice only coming out muffled, Taeyong suspected underlying frustration in his tone. “Apparently, I’m not a good enough singer, not a good enough rapper, not a good enough composer, not a good enough actor, not good enough… not good enough in anything! There is always someone a bit better. I’m just average, except for my face, perhaps. But even by that, there are people others deem as equally traditionally handsome. What do I have to offer, what can I contribute? I’m not like you.”

“You think being me is a free ride to everything? Almost all of my solo projects get ditched, postponed or entirely dropped. Yet, I continue on. It’s not our fault we don’t get supported, we all are aware of that,” Taeyong clarified.

“Why do I feel like the mistreatment isn’t as grave elsewhere?” Jaehyun stated his conception.

“The grass always seems greener on the other side. But trust me, it isn’t.” Taeyong continued, “And don’t even talk about you being average. You might not be the leader, but you’re the axis. You’re the one who grasps the balance, never wavering. To us, you’re in the middle, and the middle is responsible to keep the balance going. The middle is not average, the middle is a jack of all trades. It’s a very important position. What you just haven’t found is the identity for you as an individual artist.” Taeyong paused. “Your efforts will never betray you. All your efforts will pay off. Even if it’s not with this company. Even if it’s not now.”

Jaehyun remained quiet. He had heard Taeyong say this motivational sentence so often, but the last part was new. He pondered over it, and then came to the realization that it scared him, that he had been beat down and didn’t know how to get up again.

“I still want it. I don’t want to give up on being an idol just yet. It’s everything I’ve worked so hard for.” Little Jaehyun also had had a dream back then, and the Jaehyun now was shattering everything he had pathed the way for. “Yuno is not dead. He’s only hiding.”

“Then let him come out. Let him live,” Taeyong urged him. “You don’t have to. Let Yuno take over again, let him enjoy the things he likes, the things he’s worked so hard for, just a bit more. Let him take over again and let this Jaehyun rest for just a bit. We have to be patient, savoring what lies in front of us now. We all dream big, but perhaps, it’s just not our time yet to take over the world. Perhaps, we’re not ready yet.”

Now, Taeyong’s patting motions felt soothing, not heavy anymore. What Jaehyun hadn’t considered was that probably, all of his members felt his way.

He wasn’t alone.

The next day looked much brighter to him as he sat up in the morning and joined Taeyong for breakfast in the kitchen.

____

But coming out of this slump wasn’t easy for Jaehyun. He wanted to, he really did, but it was just so hard. On some days, he was laughing and joking and being productive, and on others, he simply didn’t get up, canceling meetings and schedules.

When one evening, he was sitting motionlessly at the edge of the bathtub again, too tired to get dressed in more than his boxers, droplets falling from the tips of his wet hair to his shoulders and too exhausted to even shave, he heard a knock on the door.

“It’s occupied.”

“... Please let me in.”

Jaehyun’s head shot upwards and his eyes widened. This couldn’t be… Within a second, he was by the door, the knob shaking under his grip as he struggled with opening it, but when he finally succeeded in doing so, he was looking into a pair of eyes he hadn’t seen in more than a year, but had dedicated an entire song to,

You.

When you looked back at him at that moment, you didn’t recognize Jaehyun at all. The person who stood in front of you looked like him, but he had nothing in common with the one who you had separated from last year.

So exhausted, so broken. So… lifeless.

You wanted to pull him into an embrace, wrap him into everything he lacked and you could share: happiness, independence, success and brightness. Where Jaehyun’s life had probably gone downhill, yours had been thriving, in your personal and work-related matters.

But you didn’t physically force yourself onto someone who was struggling. Instead, you smiled and made your way into the bathroom. You urged Jaehyun to sit back down on the tub’s edge with a curl of your finger. He followed your motion silently, and despite his lifeless interior, when you shifted around to him, you saw a glimmer in his eyes - short-lived and only barely visible, but it had been there. He was still there.

Only now, his eyes fell upon the set of fresh clothes you were carrying around. He didn’t even need to ask. He knew it was all Taeyong’s doing with the friendship you had been maintaining behind his back, and he couldn’t even be mad about it. He had decided to let you go, but Taeyong hadn’t.

“Lift your feet,” were the first words you directed at him, and willingly, Jaehyun heaved his right one up, and you dropped to your knees, pulling the sock over his raised foot, then over the other until both were covered.

Jaehyun shivered from the touch, not because your hands were cold, but because he hadn’t let anyone come close to him emotionally, but also physically lately. And because your touches set everything free he had been trying to keep hidden and under control ever since your separation, buried in a casket in the very pits of his iced heart. Now, the lock was on the verge of bursting, and he didn’t know how much he could still take.

You were here, you were so beautiful, and once again, selflessly supportive. He didn’t deserve you. But he let you continue.

Jaehyun let you ruffle his joggers, draping them around his ankles after slipping one foot after another into each leg, and let you pull it all the way up to his waist to fix it around his thinned middle with the band. You had brought along a plain t-shirt to dress him in as well, and Jaehyun willingly raised his hands without you needing to tell him to do so.

Goosebumps crossed all over his skin where your fingers grazed over his exposed body, and it was the first human touch he didn’t despise one bit after all this time. The opposite even, it made him feel alive, because it made him feel something.

At one point, when you helped Jaehyun get into the hoodie that came after, he caught himself wishing you wouldn’t stop dressing him. His entire body was engulfed with such a warmness that he thought his heart was going to explode. It was so overwhelming, he could barely take it.

“When did it all go so wrong?” were the first words he whispered, and despite you having prepared yourself for it, it still caught you off guard that Jaehyun suddenly started crying when you had expected yourself to fold first.

He still hadn’t gotten up from the tub, so you knelt once again, leaving a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets falling from the strands of his hair while his tears, big and round, dropped on his new joggers, staining the fabric. You took his hands into yours, and they felt so thin and so cold as though all strength had left them for a long time already. His shoulders were shaking as he made sounds so painful, it broke your heart all over again.

Jaehyun was wishing that you two hadn’t broken up. That he hadn’t changed so much back then, rendering him blind to everything beautiful he had been surrounded by, the main attraction being you. He was also wondering whether he would still sit here in this mental and physical state if you had been with him all along instead, supporting him with love and hope.

But then he realized that yes, he would have. Because a relationship couldn’t have saved him from becoming the new Jaehyun he had turned into and destroying everything around him, even himself. Love wasn’t the thing to protect you and get shattered in the process, but to catch and heal you. He had never wanted any of that. Until now.

And now, he realized too, it was definitely too late as his gaze fell upon the golden band adorning your ring finger, with a small, shimmering stone on top of it.

You broke through the silence first. “I listened to ‘Lost’.”

“You did?” Jaehyun furrowed.

“More than once. Over and over again.”

He smiled mildly as he looked down, locking eyes with you. “Back then, I really felt that way.”

“Now, you don’t anymore?”

“I’m still lost. But now, I wouldn’t ask you to stay anymore when I was the one responsible that we weren’t able to work out.”

“Don’t say that,” you told him, your fingers squeezing his. “Perhaps, I always wanted too much. I should have been open to adapting our relationship, my needs to what was possible for you, what you could have given me. Perhaps, we both should have instead of enforcing our own demands.”

He concluded, “I demanded too much of you.”

“And I was too willing to happily give you every part of me, and in the end I lost myself.”

“So you were lost too.” You wanted to withdraw your hands, but Jaehyun held the right one in place, the tip of his thumb outlining the ring’s stone that rested there, almost like a threat to him. His view lingered, then shot back at you, and the look in his eyes was almost as lively as in the past, almost fierce, challenging. “But now you’re here. Why?”

“Because Taeyong asked me to.” Your breathing hitched, and you prayed he wouldn’t notice. “H- he thought that maybe I could be of help when… when nobody else could.”

“Why else?”

“Be- because the oth-”

“I don’t care about what the others said,” he made himself clear, his tone even surprising him as he had lately seldomly overheard it being so strong. “Why did you decide you wanted to come here?”

“I…”

“You…?” Jaehyun held his breath.

“Because I don't want to see you like this!” you finally spilled, your fingers curling into his, not separating. “I want to see you determined, bright, laughing, joking, and full of joy! I want you to see the world, to do the things that make you happy! I want you to fulfill all your dreams! You deserve being an idol, actor, everything you’ve been working so hard for, Jaehyun! I don’t want you to watch it all go down the drain, because life decided for you to take detours, throwing hindrances at you. I believe in you. I believe that one day, you will have all the success, live your dream and be thoroughly happy. I want you to have all that!”

Jaehyun swallowed, hard. “Even if it’s not with you?”

“Specifically, it shouldn’t be with me.” Tears blurred your vision just like his, but you didn’t care. “I shouldn’t be in any of your dreams. You should build your future around what you, and only you, want.”

“In the entire idol world, you were the only thing that was real, my connection to the real world. I have lost you, and look what I have turned out to become.” His voice was shaking, and as you wiped your tears, you saw that he hadn’t stopped shedding some either.

“That’s not true.” You smiled, the corners of your lips tasting salty. “Yuno is your connection to the real world. Yuno is still there. Right now, I see him, and I feel him. Don’t cage him, let him see the world. But don’t drop this Jaehyun either. He’s strong-willed and powerful. Find the right balance between the two of them.”

“You believe in me nonetheless?” A little sigh of relief escaped from Jaehyun’s lips as he awaited your reply.

Through the tears, you kept your positive, earnest expression. “Jaehyun, I will always believe in you. But you need to believe in yourself too. You can do it.”

That was when Jaehyun realized that it might not only be a slump, and that he needed to see a therapist. If he wanted to be thoroughly happy again, he didn’t need love. Love didn’t propel him forward. He needed long term professional help again.

“Thank you.” Merely a whisper from Jaehyun.

Gratitude, but also a goodbye, you both knew it as you still rested on your knees and Jaehyun on the tub’s edge, and you stayed like that for only a bit longer.

____

“It's been two and a half years since I came to Japan.”

Jaehyun stood on the big stage again and savored the spotlight, surrounded by over 70.000 people.

The bright smile on his lips was honest and accompanied him throughout the entire evening. A total of 220.000 in the biggest venue in Japan on three days still couldn’t fill the parts inside of him that he had lost along his way here, the hole in his heart was just too big. But it had gotten temporarily fixed with the love of his family, friends, members and, of course, his fans.

He wasn’t perfect anymore, and he didn’t need to be. He didn’t want to be. He owed it to no one.

But until Jaehyun would be rid of that imagine, it would take time - if he would ever get this far after all these years living up to it. But he didn’t put himself under so much pressure anymore to maintain being someone he wasn't deep inside.

Jaehyun knew that the path to the person he had ideally laid out to be was still long. Perhaps, the damage that had been done was too grave to ever reach him - a mix of Jaehyun and Yuno that was patiently waiting at the very top of the mountain - but Jaehyun would try his hardest to reach this new version of him, the best of both worlds. Even if he would miss his aim, he wanted to leave the part of his life behind that beat him down till he was too emotionally damaged to continue.

Everyday, he got up. Every day, he fought with himself. Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. But every day, he chose to get up.

And when one day, he felt too mentally or physically exhausted to put up a fight for longer, he gave up. But only for one day. Once in a while, it was alright for him to let himself rest, to let his heart rest. He owed it to himself. These days, he and his therapist officially called ‘rest days’. The other days, when he actually got things done, were called ‘sunny days’.

“I only went back and forth from the hotel to the practice room, to the concert hall. I didn't realize it, but after seeing you guys I realized it! And I feel alive. Thank you for making me feel alive!”

This time, these words were no lies.

Where idol duties and fan service had been such a hard burden to him before, because he just hadn’t felt anything toward them anymore, he was now letting all the love stream into this hole the past months had left. And almost, but only almost, his heart felt close to getting entirely patched up again during these moments. Only a tiny part was still missing.

Perhaps, one day, Jaehyun’s heart would be whole again. Perhaps, it would entirely stay this way, incomplete. Perhaps, the ‘rest days’ would pile up until they prevailed over the ‘sunny days’. Perhaps, he would see his therapist more often then. But if, on the ‘sunny days’, he always felt like this, then he was sure that every morning, it would be worth it to put up a fight, no matter the outcome. At least he would have tried.

Jaehyun had it all again. And he felt so alive.

“Even though I wrote ‘Lost’ when I was lonely, I am happy now!” he told the crowd, and they cheered.

When he was singing ‘Lost’, he didn’t think about you anymore.

He thought about his dark phase and how the ‘sunny days’ were much more fun. And he thought about how on ‘rest days’, he feared that they would stay and that he would never see the ‘sunny days’ again. But then, he closed his eyes and captured the moment. The music, the atmosphere, the crowd, his life.

And chose to stay.

Right here, on this stage. As an entirely changed man. On a sunny day even when it might be raining outside.

____

In June, Jaehyun flew to Italy to attend Milan fashion week and was officially chosen as Prada’s ambassador shortly later.

At the end of the month, ‘Dear. M’ was finally released and got him the attention with his acting debut, his performance critically acclaimed.

In July, NCT 127 celebrated their 6th anniversary, and Jaehyun’s message to his fans came from the bottom of his heart, every syllable seeped with sweet, almost painful honesty,

Thank you to Nctzens who have been with us for 6 years.

I’ve said this during the live, but as time goes by, I feel like we have gotten closer and more comfortable with each other compared to the previous year.

I always think that I am here because of you guys' presence.

Thank you for always supporting us, let's stay together for a long time.

….

In the same month, Jaehyun was on Elle Korea’s August issue.

By the end of August, Jaehyun also released his own, original project on NCT lab.

And there was much more to come.

Everything Jaehyun had worked so hard for eventually came around.

His efforts were starting to pay off.

____

2023

Of course you had regretted your separation from Jaehyun, from the very first moment on.

But that love hurt. And love wasn’t supposed to hurt. It was supposed to tend and to heal. To fill the little parts in your heart that were still open and incomplete, maybe even bleeding. But it wasn’t supposed to rip it all open, deepening the wounds.

Loving Jaehyun had been pretty and ugly just like the idol world was equally pretty and ugly.

As a girlfriend, you were tough and steady. As Jaehyun’s girlfriend, even you had eventually succumbed to this world he used to love so much. You didn’t want it to swallow every good part of you like it had done with Jaehyun, so you had let him get eaten by the sharks.

You had so many regrets.

If you had been there, would it all still have turned out the way it had? You didn’t know despite Taeyong always trying to convince you of the opposite. What had happened to Jaehyun had no relation to you, and if you hadn't left, he would have dragged you down with him. He just hadn’t been ready yet, and to fully become the person he wanted to be, he had needed to let go of you, too.

So you had worn a fake engagement ring on the day you had gone to the dorm to get him dressed.

The tears shed in the bathroom had not only been tears of sadness upon seeing him so broken in front of you, but also because you needed to walk all over his feelings, and over yours too, suppressing every lingering love you still held for him. And only on that day you had realized that it still was so much, you cried yourself to sleep.

But watching Jaehyun become the person he had always wanted to be made up for all the pain you carried in your heart until now.

In the videos online, you didn’t see the Jaehyun from back then anymore, the mean one and the broken one, that was clear. Jaehyun and Yuno, they had both merged into a person who knew themselves really well, what they wanted, what they needed and what they could give to others. That person radiated confidence and was full of light.

You could also see that clearly when you got out of the car, scanning the venue and looking for him until you saw him walking in your direction from across the street, raising his arm to give you a sign to wait, he would come to you.

Today, Jaehyun had finished filming for another project, and despite the coldness that lingered out in the open, you had decided to wait outside, because you were so impatient to finally see him again.

You just didn’t know how he would react after Taeyong had confessed your little stunt to him. Taeyong also wouldn’t tell you. But you were prepared for everything after Jaehyun had arranged this meetup. For him to curse you out, to say how disappointed he was, to tell you to never meddle with his life again - you were prepared for everything.

Except for what would actually come.

Outwardly, he hadn’t changed much from what you perceived except for the color and style of his hair. But you knew that his heart was entirely different from when you had last seen each other. And it made your heart thumb a bit faster, getting you all nervous.

You couldn’t quite read his expression as Jaehyun was apparently cold as well and hiding half of his face in the security of his parka’s hood as he greeted you, “Hi.”

“Hi,” you greeted back, a small cloud forming from your breath as you scanned him from head to toe.

“Let’s go.” He nodded with his chin. “I want to take you out. You’re ready?”

You stilled, your eyes widening with a little shaking of your head. You were taken by surprise. “Taking me out? Right now?”

He nodded again, and gradually, the corners of his lips tilted up to a warm smile that melted your heart as he showed more of his face. His eyes were genuinely smiling with him. “Right now. We’ve lost so much time, I don’t want to wait a day longer.”

You were too stunned to reply. Him standing in front of you after such a long time and asking you out seemed so surreal to you. It made you nervous and excited, a touch of falling in love all over again like in the beginning. “I thought you hated me,” you eventually blurted.

“Why would I feel so?” He cocked a brow.

“Because I lied to you.”

“Nobody lied to me,” Jaehyun concluded calmly. “I talked myself into believing what I saw without asking. Nobody told me you were engaged, none of us mentioned it. I’ve decided on my own will to move on from you upon seeing the ring. By all means, it could have been a normal one.”

“And..?” You gulped. “Have you? Moved on, I mean.”

“I did.”

Admittedly, this answer hurt like hell. You should have expected that after almost two years. You only brought out a nearly silent, “Oh.” Then it wouldn’t be a date like you had hoped for, but only a catch up between two acquaintances.

But Jaehyun also added, “That doesn’t mean we can’t get to know each other again. Learn about us again. About our lives, habits, aims, dreams… And see if they align.”

“Align…?” You blinked. “For…?”

“I’m dating to settle, to marry.” Again, he was hiding half of his face in the collar of his parka, so you couldn’t interpret his expression.

You still smiled though. So he did want to take you out on a date. You really wanted to get to know him again as well, the person he had become as his career was rising, the person who truly wanted you to be in his life again, who had whole-heartedly decided on you.

This person was more mature, having determination and sternness in their soft, brown eyes. They wanted career, the spotlight, the fame, because that was where their passion stemmed from.

You opened your mouth, but Jaehyun stepped forward, grabbed you and pulled you hard against his chest. You instantly closed your eyes when he wrapped his arms around you and shivered, warmly, when he pressed a kiss into your hair. “Before you answer, you should know that I missed you. So much.”

“I missed you too.” And then, you finally said, still in an embrace. “Okay. Let’s try again.”

Jaehyun was holding you close in position, and from his tone alone, as you were quietly resting against his chest, you swore the tips of his ears turned pink and he scrunched up his nose cutely as he said, “If you’ll find yourself in a position to love this Jaehyun in the future, I promise to you that I won’t ever disappoint you again.”

You already did. You had never stopped. But you kept it to yourself for now.

Amidst the cold, you were feeling warm in his arms. And amidst the clouds, you felt the sunshine on the tip of your nose. Today was, despite the cloudy weather, a sunny day.

You weren’t scared of loving this Jaehyun.

____

NOW

Hey y/n.

I never wanted to be an idol.

Back then, if I had to choose between becoming famous and starting a family of my own, I would have decided on getting married and having children. I would have wanted to be like my dad. A good dad, always there for my children whenever they need me, passing on advice and insights like I have experienced with my own parents.

That would have been my answer if I were still a teenager.

But dreams change. Just like people.

I cannot start a family at the peak of my career anytime soon. And that’s the problem. I love my life, my job. It’s just this world that I hate. This world that forbids me to have both, you and everything I’ve worked so hard for these past years.

But I want this all, I want this so bad, even more than pursuing the dream of children of my own at this moment.

I want to stand on the stage, sing, make music, and be an ambassador, a model, an actor, all of that. I want to have an impact on people, I want them to see me, acknowledge me and everything I succeed in doing. It’s what’s giving me life, the motivation to continue. This is what I’m currently thriving for.

I want this so bad.

But I want this all with you.

Life is a process of changing and growing, you don’t follow one path from birth until the end. There are detours, forks and hindrances. But as long as you have determination in your heart and confidence in your eyes, everything is possible.

I want to start over again with you. I have the energy, I have the passion, I have the drive to do it. And I believe in it. I believe in us.

It’s not only the bad times where I should feel like needing you. It’s when I feel like that I’m at my happiest, when I actually don’t need someone by my side, I wish that you were here to share my feelings, too.

I want to laugh with you, celebrate with you, cry tears of joy with you. And if you could even be there when times get bad, when I hit rock bottom again, I promise I won’t pull you down with me. I will let you hold me, hold me tight and make it better. And I will rise from the ashes again just like the sun rises every day.

I can’t do this with anyone else. It has to be someone in particular.

It has to be you.

I don’t know where I will be in five or ten years as the future is never set in stone. I might still be an idol, an actor, an ambassador, a model, all at once, or none of them, perhaps a father already. And if I’m neither, I’m still a son, a grandson, a boyfriend or a husband.

But above all and always, I will be Yuno, and I will be Jaehyun.

And I want to be yours.

Always.

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