#I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF I SEE ANYONE APOLOGIZING FOR MY OWN ISSUES IM GONNA BE PISSED

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

#tw vent #By the time I finished writing the post I was no longer a mess about it but im still gonna post it #I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF I SEE ANYONE APOLOGIZING FOR MY OWN ISSUES IM GONNA BE PISSED #yall read all the tags its beneficial lol #Ngl SOME of this jealousy hits hardest with Gummy #because Ill FINALLY get fed some simp food for myself #and then yk #theyll kinda show up and ask to receive the same stuff #or act jealous #gummy #babe I love you #BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE FEEDING YOU GUMMYBUNNY CONSTANTLY???? #Like mine is rare and far between #and I dont draw much selfship unlike you #LET ME HAVE SOME THINGS DAMMIT #And then Darken over here when I get a cool new friend just like: #... is for me? 🥺👉👈 #/nm for both things #im the embodiment of envy and greed arent I... #I hate upsetting people #I just keep it to myself and internalize my emotions mostly #haha now you guys know how possessive and jealous I am #its giving yandere 🥰💅✨🗣💃🕺😍😘😼🤠🤭😇🙄🤩😜😝🤑🧐😈 #i regret my life choices right about now

[lemonzestywrites]

wip wednesday

okay id like to issue a quick apology to my dear friend @paranoidbean

i was tagged weeks ago to do this but my writers block has been really bad lately and i didn’t have anything to share that i was really proud of- until now that is!! i swear i didn’t ignore your tag my brain was just kinda mush :p so please enjoy this little snippet of a fic im working on!!

“You could stay here.” The words are quiet. Simple. It’s such an easy offer. God, there’s nothing more that Eddie wants than to succumb to yearning he’s carried for so long. But he knows he can’t. It takes so much- too much, for him to refuse to give into the false temptation of Buck’s proposal. To instead ground himself into reality- whatever that may be at this point- and ignore the honey-coated enticement of a want he knows he can’t have.

But Buck, even here in the confusing mess of his mind, is still so ever persistent. He walks closer, stopping only once he and Eddie are just inches apart. He reaches out carefully, hand settling on Eddie’s elbow with imploring reassurance cradled in his fingertips. The touch feels so familiar, so soft in a way Eddie longs for constantly. With a soft tilt of his head, Buck ducks his head down to catch Eddie’s eyes. “With us,” he pleads, “With me.”

Something wicked within the confines of Eddie’s chest aches. Ivy growing through in ribcage, wrapping and choking out his heart. Fuck, he wants this. He wants it so bad. And it’s right there, being handed to him on a silver plate.

He remembers coming home after his tour in Afghanistan, silver star in hand so to speak. Hero, people would call him. Brave. Strong. Courageous. Everything Eddie knows he’s not. Because a brave man would be able to look Buck in the eye. A strong man wouldn’t have to melt into a faux touch crafted by his own mind. A courageous man could walk away. But Eddie’s not any of those things. Not by a mile.

With a carefulness Eddie’s not quite sure he deserves, he feels as Buck gently tilts his face cradled in his palm, redirecting Eddie’s eyeline back to his. The very action makes his chest ache, ivy vines growing tighter.

Buck’s gaze is kind. Loving and sweet.

But it’s not the way Eddie’s used to seeing them.

They feel hollow. Devoid of that expansive warmth, that bright blue light carried in his irises. The same hue that mounts the sun itself aloft in the sky, bringing serenity and joy to the world. Eddie looks at him and he knows.

It’s not real, his mind whispers. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.

it’s a little late so no pressure tagging to my dear mutuals- @paranoidbean @adamrparrrish @ghosthunterbuck and anyone else that would like to give it a go!!

#911 #911 fox #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #wip wendesday #zestywrites

[apocalypticgargoyle]

Dream smut or fluff where reader and him are high key mean to eachotjer despite having so many mutual friends, but then something (very vague i know I’m sorry) makes them have to get close and the develop feelings? Sorry I’m shit at requests but thank you!!!

i know this is shitty im sorry akjsdh bls forgive me

𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑. ♘ 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

± warnings: dream being a dick, slight slut shaming, toxic behavior, vulgar/suggestive mentions and language, sexual harassment on a bus (not by dream, you can breathe)

⋆ song recommendation: When the Night is Over by Lord Huron

You pulled a blanket beneath your chin, yawning slightly at whatever the tv was playing. You only had it on in an attempt to drown out the noises coming from your roommate's bedroom as she smoozed her date. You were honestly shocked the two hadn’t moved in together yet with all the time they spent wrapped up.

Her door opened, her eyes widening slightly at the sight of you sprawled out on the couch. He marched toward you quietly, hovering over your shoulder. You peered up at her hesitantly. “What are you watching?” She asked, voice barely above a whisper. You furrowed your brows, opening your mouth to speak but she hurriedly cut you off. “Do you mind watching it at Nick’s instead?”

You raised your eyebrows. “You’re kicking me out again?” She gave you an apologetic smile, making you roll your eyes as you stood up and pulled on your jacket. “This would hurt less if they also paid rent,” you mumbled, with a small glare.

She thanked you repeatedly, holding onto your arm as you gathered what little belongings you needed for the night. “I promise I’ll make it up to you,” she courted, opening the door for you. “Tomorrow, dinner’s on me okay?” You sent her a tired look and she apologized again. She stopped you as you stepped out into the cold night, leaning through the space between the door and the frame. “Maybe you can cozy up to that Clay guy? You guys have such a good vibe,” she mocked, making you chuckle lightly.

You shook your head, waving to her. “Enjoy your night. Please, for the love of God, clean the bathroom afterward,” you called, hearing her laugh at your statement.

The bus ride was quiet due to the time of night and the weather, both of which you didn’t mind. You knew Nick’s house would be warm and loud. Before you knew it, you found yourself in front of his apartment door, kicking at the concrete ground as you heard someone stumbling to let you inside. The door opened swiftly, Clay’s large frame blocking the light from the kitchen. He leaned against the doorframe mockingly as he looked at you.

He wet his lips. “Who’s the lucky guy tonight?” He joshed.

You rolled your eyes, brushing past his body to get out of the cold. “Whoever’s dick you’re not sucking, I guess,” you quipped back, making him laugh darkly. You kicked off your shoes as he shut the door. “Where’s Sapnap?” You asked, shrugging off your jacket. You’d texted him ahead of time to ask if you could stay over, which he readily agreed to.

Clay sent you a smug look. “You guys have a fun night planned?” He made a gesture with his hand to insinuate you were there to give Nick a handjob.

You bit back a chuckle. “Why? You wanna join?” You shot back. He bit his lip and moaned pornographically.

“Cut it out, Dream,” Nick grumbled as he walked into the room. He pulled on your arm to follow him.

Dream scoffed exasperatedly. “Me? I’m not the one who started it!” He called after the two of you.

As Nick pushed you out of the room, you turned your head. “You most certainly did!” You answered. You heard him chuckle at your words as Nick shut the door to his room. You plopped down on his bed as he sat in his chair, swiveling to look at you. “Why does Dream pick at me so much?” You mumbled, fishing in your pockets for your phone.

“He’s jealous,” Nick answered absent-mindedly. “What's the date look like tonight?” He asked, referring to the reason you were there in the first place. This wasn’t the first time or the last time your roommate had kicked you out. It was becoming a more frequent occurrence for you to end up on Nick’s couch or at their place in the middle of the day with your toothbrush and a change of clothes.

You moved to lean into his pillows. “I don’t know, it's the same granola fucker she’s been hanging around,” you answered.

He rubbed his chin with a slight smirk. “There’s a subtle justice to knowing she’s still with that asshat,” he commented, making you snort.

A week later, you were on your way back to your apartment after a lecture when someone felt you up. It was the straw on the camel’s back for you as you spin around to smack the guy, stirring up a few of the bystanders. You’d walked the rest of the way home, stepping through the door to be met with your roommate and her hookup twisted together in the kitchen.

You clamped your hand over your eyes, mumbling about how you just wanted to take a nap when you were once again sent to Nick’s. You let subtle tears fall as you trudged your way across the city, hoping to get out whatever darkness you had to your attitude. The last thing you wanted to do was confront Clay looking like you did. He was like the troll with the keys to the bridge. That was really the only reason the two of you ever talked, so you knew he’d be waiting to berate you before you could get to Nick.

As you walked into the building, you spotted Clay carrying a large box, his hair slightly disheveled and his hands dirty. You knew almost instantly that he was probably attempting to fix the kitchen sink and got a call because of the size of the package. That sink had been dripping since they’d moved in, making it Clay’s mission to futz around with it every Friday afternoon. You tried helping him one time, only ending up with a deflated sense of confidence and the second wave of your childhood anger issues.

He nodded at you as you held the elevator door open for him. “What’s up, babycakes?” He chirped, popping his gum. When you hesitated to answer, he looked at you fully, scoffing. “Damn, walk of shame gone sour?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, inhaling deeply to try and calm your nerves. “I’m not really in the mood today,” you muttered, tucking your hands between your back and the wall.

He snorted, setting the box down between his feet. “You’re always in the mood! Isn’t that like your thing,” he continued to jeer. “You look like you had a fun night though-”

“Clay, stop. I’m serious,” barked at him. His expression twisting at your use of his name.

He raised his hands in mock defense. “Sorry, I thought we had---like a bit thing, um-” he cut himself off, awkwardly shoving his fists in his pockets. After a beat of silence between the two of you, the elevator came to a sharp halt on the wrong floor, the light switching to red. The two of you shared a look, knowing that the landlord was probably flipping the wrong switches again. Clay texted Nick to see what was going on.

It began to grow colder in the elevator, as it usually did. When it was off, the cold from outside usually seeped in through the elevator shaft. There was one time you were stuck in the elevator for a few hours with one of your neighbors and Karl when he had come to visit. Back then, the three of you played Uno on the guy’s phone. It was also summer, so the chill creeping up your legs wasn’t as intolerable as it was now.

You rubbed the arms of your sweater in hopes of generating some kind of warmth. Clay watched you carefully, his hands moving to grip the bar behind him. “Do you want my sweatshirt?” He offered. You shook your head, sliding onto the ground and hugging your knees to your chest. He hesitantly slumped down beside you, kicking his long legs out towards the door. The red light filling the space made his features look softer.

He nudged your arm gently with his own. “I know I’m not Sapnap, but…” he chewed on the inside of his cheek, shrugging slightly, “I mean, we’re stuck in here. We can talk about it.”

You blinked away the tears threatening to spill once again, your eyes burning and tired. “I haven’t slept with him, you know?” You stated, turning to look at him briefly before moving to sit cross-legged, planning with your fingers. “I’ve never even kissed him. I’ve never kissed anyone,” you scoffed. Clay was silent, but out of the corner of your eye, you could see him watching you intently.

Being this close to him, you could smell the smoky vanilla undertones of his cologne. The scent reminded you of a masculine version of the candle your aunt always burned when she went out for a night to spite her ex-husband.

Clay leaned his head back against the wood paneling, his soft blond hair flattening in the back to spread against the wall. You swallowed, sighing slightly. “I haven’t even had my first kiss yet and I’m getting groped on the bus and kicked out of my damn apartment because my roommate and her fucking boyfriend have to hook up on every surface. Nothing is sacred.” You shook your head, wiping away some stray tears with the back of your hand and sniffling pathetically. “You can keep making slut jokes, I don’t care. But I swear to God, I haven’t done anything with Sapnap. Or Karl, or Quackity. No one.”

He chuckled softly. “I know. That’s why I used to make those jokes,” he mumbled. “It was like… ironic humor. And then it got so far that the only way I knew you’d talk back to me was if I was fucking around with you,” he admitted. You chuckled slightly at his words, taking a deep breath.

“Oh, Dream,” you sighed. “I would have hooked up with you if you weren’t such an ass,” you chided. His laugh made you feel better. He held his hand out to you, more for support than anything, but as you laced your fingers with his, your heart eased, feeling safe beside him.

After a beat of silence, he spoke up again. "I can ride the bus with you now... if you want..." He offered, a shyness that seemed so foreign to his character shown through his eyes. "I promise I won't grope you," he joshed, making you roll your eyes.

"That's really not something we should be joking about," you mumbled, wiping away the rest of your tears on your sleeve.

His thumb brushed against the back of your hand soothingly. "I mask my awkwardness around you in dark humor. I'm sorry."

#dream imagine #dream fluff #dreamwastaken imagine #dreamwastaken fanfic #dreamwastaken fluff #dream x reader #dream x y/n #dream x you #dreamwastaken angst #dream angst #mcyt imagine #mcyt x you

[johnconstantinesdick]

Okay *cracks knuckles, accidentally dislocates fingers* @agentscamander-romanoff and @steel-phoenix took the bait and enabled me by asking me to elaborate on my Children of the Watch origins theory. Which means I am about to go ABSOLUTELY feral.

Apologies to anyone for having incorrect Star Wars lore, I’ve barely consumed canon content and I don’t intend to start now. Also sorry if anyone has already said this! I’ve never seen this particular theory/interpretation and it’s made me go a bit insane.

Warnings: discussion of child abuse, cults, and the aftermath of genocide. I don’t go super in depth on any of it but it’s there. Also, I typed this in the notes app of my phone and autocorrect hasn’t quite submitted to some of these names.

SO. I’m going to break this up into sections. 1. Exploring canon 2. Extrapolations/Connecting the red string 3. What does this MEAN??? 4. Complaining about Bo-Katan.

First off, though, here’s my thesis: Children of the Watch is a “splinter group” made up of the children that Death Watch stole, indoctrinated, and abused. They’re also not a cult (Death Watch is though lmao).

1. Exploring Canon:

Okay, so. Canonically, Death Watch has abducted, tortured, and brainwashed children. Arla Fett is an example of that, having been abducted at the age of 14 after her parents were killed and she was subsequently brainwashed into becoming an assassin for Death Watch. She didn’t even hesitate when she found out her brother was alive! That’s how strong the conditioning was! She was so fucked up from it that she spent YEARS in a mental facility, and she outright begged a Jedi to wipe her memories in exchange for a favor. DEATH WATCH DID THAT. And you CANNOT tell me she was the only one they’ve done this to. PLENTY of fic writers have extrapolated off of this and mentioned it, but it’s important to me that everyone know this shit is absolutely rooted in canon.

Another Death Watch Child Abuse Fun Fact: Dred Priest and Isabet Reau, two of the trainers of the clones, canonically had Death Watch leanings and tried to instill Death Watch beliefs in the clones by FORCING THEM TO FIGHT EACH OTHER IN SECRET BATTLE CIRCLES THAT ENDED UP KILLING SOME OF THE CLONES. THEY WERE CHILDREN AT THE TIME, IF IT WASN’T CLEAR. WHAT THE FUCK. If THAT’S not an example of Death Watch abusing the kids under their care then I don’t know what is. It’s suuper not a stretch for me to think that this wasn’t an unheard of thing in more official Death Watch circles.

Also canonically, Bo-Katan has referred to Din’s covert as “Children of the Watch”, and Din, despite obviously being an important and respected member of his community, doesn’t recognize the name, which implies to me that it’s not a name the covert chose for themselves. Rather, a moniker that was given to them after they splintered off of Death Watch. Since this isn’t an opinion and it’s more just… information, I’ll trust Bo-Katan on this one.

We also know for sure that Din’s covert IS connected to Death Watch in some way, seeing as the flashback sequence very clearly shows Mandalorians in blue and gray beskar’gam, the colors of Death Watch. HOWEVER… the Armorer, who seems to hold a high position of authority in the covert, wears gold and copper beskar’gam. Din wears unpainted (v2) or mismatched colored (v1) beskar’gam (I do grant that his paint color counts less towards this because he’s pretty much one of the only people interacting with the outside world and so colors associated with Death Watch are probably a no go no matter what). Paz Vizsla’s armor is a very dark blue with yellow and cyan details and, oh my fucking god I didn’t even know this but he has a fucking MYTHOSAUR SYMBOL ON ONE OF HIS PAULDRONS. THE FUCK???? THAT’S LITERALLY THE SYMBOL OF THE TRUE MANDALORIANS IM. Ok. Okay. I needed a minute. Like I KNOW that the mythosaur skull is Mandalorian symbol in general but I think it just hits different when a Vizsla is wearing it, you know? Especially because the placement is the same as Jaster Mereel’s???? Literal founder of the True Mandalorian movement????? Excuse me???????

Let’s uh. Let’s get back to armor. I can address that… later. So. Anyway. Armor is super important, and it’s uhhh very telling that the covert doesn’t emulate the Death Watch colorscheme strictly. Like, yeah, there’s gray and light blue in there, if you go through some wiki pages, but they’re not the only colors they use, and the Armorer doesn’t even have either of those colors! And she’s the biggest authority we’ve seen! Very fucking interesting!! Bo-Katan still has her armor painted in Death Watch colors! And yet she’s derisive of Din’s covert! Verrry interesting!

We also know that Din’s covert emphasizes children VERY much, more than Death Watch ever would have, imo. It’s expected for the adult members to provide for the foundlings (and it’s VERY interesting that the kids are seemingly all referred to as foundlings iirc. More on that later.), and even though Paz disagrees with Din working with the empire, he and the other members of the covert immediately and with no hesitation come to Din’s aid for this child that Din hasn’t even claimed as his own—it’s amazing! And I will note that Bo-Katan and her warriors do the same upon their initial meeting with Din—Koska dives into danger with no hesitation as soon as Din says the child is still in danger. We see that this solidarity does come at a price for Bo-Katan, though, while the Armorer sees protecting a foundling as a duty that is completely worth all the trouble it brought.

Fascinating also that Boba was 100% on board to help out Din to save Grogu past what Din or anyone else would have expected of him, while Bo-Katan had to be bribed into coming by the promise of Moff Gideon and the darksaber. And she thinks she’s somehow more Mandalorian than him.

And NOW, going way back in time to the beginnings of the True Mandalorian movement, we know that Jaster Mereel originally authored his Supercommando Codex by looking back through history to the Canons of Honor and the Resol’nare, and he took those ideals and ideas and he modernized them to create a set of moral guidelines to follow. And people loved that shit! Death Watch had to infiltrate the True Mandalorians and then trick the Jedi into slaughtering them just to get rid of them, because Jaster’s charisma and his sexy sexy morals were too strong. (God. I fucking LOVE Jaster Mereel if you couldn’t tell.) Anyway, there’s precedent for Mandalorians looking back to their history to bring forth old ideas, repurposed to a modern context. We also know that, canonically, Din’s covert follow the “old ways” of not sharing names and of never taking their helmets off in front of others.

Moving on.

2. Extrapolations/Connecting the red string:

So if we extrapolate from the fact that Death Watch are, uh, super fucking abusive towards the kids that they stole/their own kids, then we’re left with… this group of kids, who have been mistreated and indoctrinated for a LONG TIME, and possibly don’t have that great an understanding of non-toxic Mandalorian culture. And if they’ve been abducted or rescued, whatever, they might not fit back in with the places they were taken from, or they may not have a place to go back to, or they may not even remember where they’re from originally. It’s some prime angst material! Good stuff.

And if we pull the implication from the names that “Children of the Watch” is a splinter group off of Death Watch, it really does make you think… huh, you know what? These two things may be one in the same. Maybe.

And, like, we know that Jaster Mereel and Din’s covert both looked to Mandalorian history to find pillars for their community’s morals. Jaster did so in the middle of a lot of political turmoil, as a way to say “Hey, we can still be Mandalorians in the ways that matter, but being Mandalorian doesn’t mean being a morally bankrupt conqueror. We can have honor and still wear armor and fight and uphold the Resol’nare.”

And I think Din’s covert did so when they were struggling with unlearning the toxic ideals that had been shoved onto them by Death Watch. I think they had to figure out their own way of being Mandalorian or else they would have crumpled under the pressure. And so they looked back to the old ways and picked out the more extreme interpretation of Cin Vhetin (clean slate) which says that, once you swear the Resol’nare and become a Mandalorian, your past doesn’t matter, it’s what you do now that does. You don’t take off your helmet, and you don’t let others know your name, because those things don’t matter to who you are and what you do. (There’s also the issue of the helmet and name rule being an important defense tactic to protect the covert, seeing as how Mandalorians post-Empire are the survivors of genocide. There’s already a fantastic post on it here)

Related, another Mandalorian saying is “Gar taldin ni jaonyc; gar sa buir, ori'wadaas'la.”, meaning “Nobody cares who your parent was, only the parent you’ll be,” which IMO fits in very nicely with how I’m interpreting Din’s covert. It’s all about your actions and future mattering more than your past. I think that when the covert was splitting off and being built, this would be a huge component of them healing. Because the way they were treated and indoctrinated by Death Watch doesn’t have to affect their future actions. They don’t have to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, they can build a covert and a community around caring for foundlings.

Now, onto the foundlings! I find it very interesting that, whenever the covert’s younglings are mentioned, it’s always as foundlings. I think this implies that there’s a focus on saving and raising children more than there is on sharing blood with them, and I think that the covert would be more inclined towards communal raising than typical family units, if only to keep everyone in check and to protect the children from ever being treated as they were. I also find it VERY interesting that there’s a lot of emphasis put on returning children to their own kind. I don’t think Death Watch would have employed that practice, and I think that’s another example of the covert wanting to make their community a better place for children. I think it’s likely a lot of them didn’t get that choice, and they had to leave their cultures and people behind. And so they want to give that choice to their children.

I think it’s also amazing that, like. They keep finding and raising children instead of deciding they’re too damaged or whatever to have kids. Because it doesn’t matter if they have baggage or trauma when a child needs them. That’s FANTASTIC. I’m losing my MIND. It really doesn’t matter who their parents were to them, just the kind of parents they will be. It’s all about breaking that cycle and deciding to be better and I LOVE THAT.

3. What does this MEAN???:

Well. What this means is that Din’s covert has a very clear set of motivations and structure when it comes to how their covert is run. It’s not a cult; in fact it is specifically a group created by cult survivors who are determined to not do to others what was done to them. The rules may seem weird and strict at first glance, but they have a clear purpose and rationale, and no one is trying to amass power. They’re just… trying to do better, and be better.

(This also means that I’m 99% sure that, with the assistance of time travel, at least half of the covert would be SUPER INTO Jaster Mereel. I like to imagine that Paz had, like, a poster of him on his little sewer bedroom wall. I fully believe he painted that mythosaur skull on his pauldron in honor of a good man who was killed by Paz’s own relatives for standing by his morals and daring to try to reform and rally Mandalorians. I also think it would be funny if, like, Din doesn’t know shit about ANYTHING to do with modern history, but Boba mentions that his grandfather is Jaster Mereel and Din is like “OH I KNOW THAT GUY! Yeah he’s cool, he’s the historical crush of like, my entire covert.” And Boba is like. What.)

It also means that it can be up in the air about whether Din was found by Death Watch before his covert splintered off, or if his covert was still just wearing Death Watch colors when he was found. Fun thing to play around with, but right now I don’t want a solid timeline.

Hmm just thought I should add: while the Armorer does seem to have a position of authority, I don’t think the covert can be structured politically with clans and houses like other Mandalorian groups. Like, clan just means family in this context, and is less a part of hierarchy, and I don’t think they would even recognize houses within the covert? Like they MIGHT decide to call themselves part of House Djarin now that Din is Mand’alor, but before that they weren’t like. House Vizsla with Paz as the leader just because they used to be Death Watch. I don’t vibe with that. This isn’t really super relevant, I just wanted to add it.

4. Complaining about Bo-Katan:

Anyway Bo-Katan is absolutely full of shit and it’s doubly disgusting that she’s standing there in Death Watch armor, seemingly still allied to this fucking cult of imperialism and conquest, and she accuses Din of being in a regressive cult, and she implies that the way he engages with the Resol’nare is wrong and like. Repressed or something. God I hate Bo-Katan. But I love to hate her. She’s horrible but I want her to be included in the list of Din’s friends but not the list of people he’d trust his kid with. I have contradictory Bo-Katan feelings, whatever. The most important thing is that all of her opinions are horrible, like, all the time. And we shouldn’t trust her when she says Din’s part of a cult. Literally why does anyone take that at face value. If we’re taking her word as the authority on Mandalorian issues then I guess Boba and Jango aren’t Mandalorian!!! Seriously.

TLDR; Din’s covert (aka “Children of the Watch”) is made up of survivors of childhood abuse, torture, and brainwashing at the hands of Death Watch, and they’re dedicated to making sure their children don’t go through the same thing. They’re not a cult, but Death Watch sure was! Jaster Mereel is the love of my very aromantic life and Bo-Katan’s opinions can’t be trusted. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#star wars #sw #the mandalorian #children of the watch #Star Wars meta #Star Wars theory #the mandalorian meta #din djarin #death watch #kyr’tsad #true mandalorians #haat’mando’ade #haat’ade #jaster mereel #cw cults #cw child abuse #cw genocide #meta #theory #eli rambles #eli writes #PLEASE GIVE ME VALIDATION #I SPENT SO LONG ON THIS #I FEEL LIKE IM GESTURING WILDLY AT A CONSPIRACY BOARD COVERED IN RED STRING

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

@theeyethatbinds​ Girl SING IT. SING IT LOUDER FOR THE GIRLS IN THE BACK, SWEAR TO GOD.

Like I’m gonna be real wit y’all I was looking forward to le Comte for a while, but I was always side-eyeing Jeanne. He’s a blunt hermit and grump and 100% mood, so I hoped his route would give me more insight into how I feel about him.

Ladies. When I tell you. It was EXCELLENT. I mean there are so many gr9 routes in the game, I don’t want to take away from them, but there was just something about his that hit me so hard???? (MY KOKORO BROKORO)

More under the cut since his route won’t be out for a little while (we still got Isaac, then Theo, then Jeanne), as a little treat. As usual, pls don’t read if you don’t want spoilers, thanks!

Okay so going into this route I was fully expecting the big sads. I mean, if history has taught us anything it was that Joan D’Arc was a badass but good lord, that doesn’t mean the people of her time were kind to her. (I need to do more thorough research on her, so if I’m getting any of her pronouns wrong or neglect something, I do apologize.)

That being sad, I was like aight DECK MY SHIT WITH TRAGEDY, JEANNE. And at the beginning it’s p fascinating. He’s very ornery and resistant to any kind of consideration or attempts at friendship MC extends. But eventually, after a good deal of persistence, he relents little by little.

I’d also like to level with y’all for a sec. Being someone who knows a great deal in regards to the kinds of mental and emotional shit Jeanne struggles through, I think they handled that part of the route so, so well. Granted, I’m not the kind of person to launch a crusade over different writing styles--but for me it just feels all the more poignant when it makes sense; when certain dispositions or trauma are conveyed with that depth. To me, it made 100% sense that Jeanne would be so against accepting other people into his life immediately.

He and Mozart vibe because they’re so similar, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s comfortable letting just anyone in--much less a complete stranger. I think it’s more that Mozart and Jeanne share a kind of indelible bond/mutual recognition through their talent, actually. They were both prodigies, absolute geniuses in their fields (military vs. music) but their social skills were shot to hell for the very same reason. To be brilliant--beyond one’s potential posthumous legacy--tends to mean being hated. Plus, they’re both principled to absolute extremes. When they’ve decided on something, they will not waver. They’re stubborn and austere, but behind those walls lies a molten core of sensitivity.

This is important to understanding him, I think, before I move forward.

While one could argue that their reaction is a result of that deficiency of emotional and social support (which I entirely concede does contribute to the matter at hand, it shouldn’t be overlooked) I think the real crux of the matter here is control. Think about it. Among the oldest residents in the mansion (let’s say that were born more than 100 years within the range of the present period of the game) are Mozart, Jeanne, Isaac, and Shakespeare. What do they all have in common?

Extremity. For Mozart, it comes in the form of a kind of OCD, as perfectionism. For Jeanne, it is generalized anxiety and PTSD. For Isaac, it is primarily social anxiety--but it’s still noticeably severe. And Shakespeare runs around with a knife, insecurity through the roof, literally unable to trust anything or anyone (psychosis? schizoaffective? I’m really not sure, these are all ballpark assessments based on the evidence I have). In order to adjust to their new surroundings, there was a cost--and in some ways their coping mechanisms become noticeably maladaptive. They were born into eras that were mercilessly unpredictable, and the only way they knew how to cope was to was to either take the blame--make it a personal failing that tragedy struck--or try to immerse themselves into their craft. They all seek to regain some kind of control (this is even visible in Vincent, to a degree--painting was an escape from his emotionally turbulent world).

Granted that’s not to say that the others don’t struggle with such issues at all, I just feel like the characters from more unstable time periods tend (as a general trend) to mirror that instability within their personalities.

All that being said, (I apologize I am a tangent-monger and love meta), Jeanne’s self-imposed isolation is only partially caused by the above dynamic. Yes, he is unwilling to let people into his heart for fear of betrayal. (It’s almost like an entire nation clamoring to watch you burn for something you didn’t do after spending your entire life and talents trying to protect them would do that to you, but I digress >:| ). But there’s another devastating and potentially less obvious reason for keeping people out.

He thinks he deserves it.

Loneliness, melancholy, aimlessness. These are all the punishments that he incurred on himself after a life of what he conceives to be considerable sin (hahaha battlefield enemies go ripppp). Whether or not he was operating purely out of a sense of duty, even if he felt sympathy for his enemy combatants, it’s not enough. And the condemnation of his king, of his entire nation, only served to magnify that self-loathing to a dangerous degree. (Don’t get me started on his parents I’m still so angry >:| they more or less disowned him since he was constitutionally weak as a young boy, and thus could not serve as an adequate farmhand. Don’t work? Don’t eat/live).

It’s hard enough living in a reserved way because you’re afraid of getting hurt, but to think that you deserve it when hurt finds you, no less? And my favorite part, that he’s so profoundly sure that it is an extension of a personal, fundamental failing? That for a person to survive, they must be strong, that there can be no other way--that there is no time or space for ruminations on fairness or unfairness, there are only those who manage to survive and those who die.

Now my friends, esteemed comrades, legendary sluts. Is that enough for us, Cybird asks, are we feeling enough pain quite yet? Fuck no.

Most of his route after we get over the hurdle of his hesitation is just him. Being. Bashful and gentle as all FUCK. Like he is the definition of “I'll kill you, but also I’m babie.” For instance, she insists on teaching him how to read and write at night when she finds him trying (and not succeeding) to read “The Ugly Duckling”. Yes I mean the children’s book. I CRIED THE FIRST TIME AND I’M CRYING NOW. So, naturally, MC buys him a notebook to practice with and he puts his name in big letters on the front. When MC sees this, she asks him about it--wondering why he would given he’s so self-conscious of his own writing (boy writes all squiggly like a little kid because he’s never done it before ;-;).

The scene goes a little something like this:

MC: Wh....whatcha go there Jeanne? Jeanne: ? My notebook? MC: I...mean that you wrote your name on it? Jeanne: Yeah? MC: Why? Jeanne: ._. It was a gift from you, and I figured it'd be hard to practice if I lost it...so I put my name on it... (HE WAS SECRETLY TOUCHED I BET AND IM--) MC: Why such big letters? Jeanne: So people can spot it quickly, obviously MC, inches from crying and laughing: Jeanne: Mademoiselle??? Why are you laughing? MC: Because you’re cute, Jeanne!

Like. They start out so rocky and Jeanne is so SIGH. I guess I’ll agree if it’ll get her to stop looking so sad and ask me to join her for stuff. But then he just can’t help but go full softe at how patient and kind she is, starts feeling comfortable just...being who he is deep down. A man that’s always hoped for better in life, a person that only ever takes up his sword to protect--that has an incredibly pure and clear heart, despite so much pain.

And good lord, they are GOD TIER romantic slow burn???? Swear to everything holy, I was BEGGING for them to make out by like chapter 10, I was just suffering for most of the route until the bangarang premium. Here’s probably my favorite moment in the entire route:

Basically Sebastian and Mozart pull out all the stops trying to bring Jeanne and MC together (once they see Jeanne show some interested in her). And so Jeanne asks her to join him in the courtyard the next morning, and they’re playing with Cherie (Jeanne’s pet baby white tiger). Besides being ungodly adorable--because Jeanne invited her for the sole purpose of hoping to see her delightfully surprised--Mozart begins to play a love song nearby. They don’t name the tune, but Jeanne canonically starts singing along (I wholeass cried, I WANT TO HEAR HIM SING????). And so she asks what the song is about, and he explains that Mozart once played it for him, but he couldn’t make out the words at first. Mozart explained that it was a love song that speaks to the difficulties of being in love (the worry, the strife) but also the beauty of the intensity and passion. He goes on to say that even when he learned the words, it never made much sense to him back then--it never resonated.

He’s singing softly with a fond look, and so she asks, does he understand it now? And he looks her dead in the eye, and says “...I think I’m starting to.” Like. AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT LOSE MY MIND AT THE TENDERNESS????? WHAT A SMOOTH MOFO????? MAN RAISED TO BE A SOLDIER, NO KNOWLEDGE OF ROMANCE OR WOMEN, AND KILLS ME IN MILLISECONDS?????? I DEMAND JUSTICE. (Or it’s just me thinking sincerity is the best aphrodisiac, but that’s beside the point.)

This has been your quarantine 2d boy meta and yelling, provided by your local mod Minnie. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get to the things I’ve been procrastinating on while reliving/dissociating about one of my favorite rts in the entire game. Stay safe and well out there y’all, peace out!

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikevamp spoilers #ikevamp jeanne #ikevamp mozart #yall like #this reply just launched me right back into my jeanne feels #i dont have words for how much i love him #he's just such a good dude????? such a good dude #he really is trying his best pls give him love for me if you can #i binged his route almost as hard as sg's bc it was just t h a t sweet and compelling #i also cried like a baby #he deserves better and he deserves love #i will protect him forever #does that mean that in every single route i am acutely aware of the fact that I can't help him? #:))))))))))))))))))))))))))) life is pain. life is a party and jeanne and i are the pinatas. #and no i dont wanna talk abt it there will be no more questions LDKJH #just kidding around if anyone has any questions yall are free to send em! I'll answer to the best of my ability~ #anyhoot ty @theeyethatbinds for bringing all those good feels back #you are a legend and you have wonderful taste we stan **cheers**

[bb-tings]

guns and roses.

rafe cameron

so it's my first fic on tumblr and i have a lot of hope for this but idk if it will be liked by all. im up for takong requests on anybody in the obx, cast or characters.

taglist: @ampanonyg @macchiatohno @jjsmentalpolaroids @stargazingstarkey @letsgofullkook @jjmbanks @maybanksbaby

BANG

She wished there would have been a warning. Any words that would have prepared her mind and body, as they now shook with uncertainty and fear. People always talked about how loud a gunshot was. Saying that when the trigger was pulled, whether you’ve heard it or not, nothing inside you would doubt what it was. You would know. However, as she stood shaking on the airstrip with her boyfriend, his family and a boy she hadn’t talked to in months, she wished she would have never known what that noise was or where it came from. Within seconds, her entire world had been snatched out from her hold, and she couldn’t be blamed for wanting it back in her arms. Safe and sound, instead of high out of his mind holding a murder weapon.

When y/n walked around the butt of the plane she didn’t know what to expect. She was hoping that maybe it was just a dream. That maybe for a fleeting moment she blinked herself into a different universe. She knew Rafe had issues, knew that he needed help but she liked to believe that he was a good person with a good heart. 

             But all those thoughts disappeared as y/n walked around the plane to see Sheriff Peterkin lying in a puddle of her own blood, simultaneously drenching her respected uniform in the same red substance. John B was kneeling over her with his lucky bandana in his hands over her wound, repeating something under his breath.

    As y/n came further around the plane she began to become noticeable, everyone seeing her but not paying much attention due to the crisis in front of them. Sarah looked up at her brother’s girlfriend, looking just as pale and frightened as the rest of them, with tears in her eyes too. When Rafe picked up on Sarah’s slight movement in her line of sight, he turned his head , being met with the one he loved the most. He was about to say something but he heard the shaking words leave the wounded woman on the concrete and he whipped back towards them and raised the gun just as he saw the Routledge boy reaching for her radio. 

“Hey, Hey,” Ward called out to his eldest child, “Rafe, No! Rafe!”

          Rafe walked closer to the young boy, making sure the barrel of the gun was in front of John’s face. “Don’t try it asshole.”

“Rafe st- John B, give me the radio.” The shaggy haired boy looked between the cameron men and the life hanging in the balance on the ground. “No.”

“Son! Just give me the damn radio,” Ward argued, too calmly. 

    Y/n started to go around the group, slowly realizing who was taking who’s side in the moment. She walked around Ward, getting closer to Sarah and John B’s van, but turned her back towards the girl in order to keep her eyes on the incident, not wanting to be the next victim. By anyone’s hands. When she reached Sarah, who was kneeling over her feet holding her stomach, she slowly put her hands on the girl’s back and brought the blonde to face her. As soon as Sarah felt the hands, she immediately crashed into them. She knew who it was. She had confided in y/n for many different reasons, some things she probably should have used her own sister for, but others that she felt Wheezie was too young to understand. Y/n viewed Sarah as her own sister. Someone that she felt she had to protect and promised to still protect even if things between her and Rafe didn’t work out. She knew that Sarah didn’t have an older female to talk to. Sarah despised her Rose as a stepmom and she knew that even though she loved the raven curly haired girl, Wheezie had a blabber mouth. 

            Y/n wrapped her arms around Sarah’s shoulders as her waist was squeezed, and she placed her hand on her head, kissing the top of it in the process. 

“Rafe. Rafe, calm down. Put the gun down, Rafe, put the gun down. He can’t do anything.” 

           Ward tried to calm his hot head son as he showed him the radio in his hand. 

“He can’t do anything. See, it’s ok. It’s ok, I got you, I got you.” 

    Y/n was sure that was the first time she had ever heard Ward comfort her boyfriend in all 3 years they had been together. She knew that Rafe and his dad had a rocky relationship, for she was always picking up the pieces that Ward had left shattered on the floor of his house. She was brought out of the thought as Sarah started to move in her arms. The younger Cameron, had turned around and was looking at the guy she loved and the people she once called family.  The wounded sheriff was looking at John B with wide eyes and was using the little breath she had left and was telling him to run. To save himself before it was too late. John B said one more apology while standing up, finally letting go of his once savior’s hand. He started to back up.

“Where are you goin’? Huh?” Rafe yelled. 

           As John’s back came in contact with Sarah she pushed him gently to her right, between the nose of the plane and his van. “Run,” the young girl stated. 

Rafe charged towards the pogue, as his dad, Sarah and Y/n leaped forward to fight him off. 

“No!” Sarah yelled. “No!”

Y/n lost all thought as she jumped in front of Rafe as he got loose from Ward and Sarah’s hold on him. She stuck her head in his neck and pushed with her hands on his chest with all her might, but the 19 year old didn’t budge. When Rafe pulled the trigger aiming at the runaway teen, she started to sob and push harder. 

“RAFE PLEASE,” the young girl cried. “Just stop!”

Rafe pushed the crying girl out of his way, but was then met with his father’s arms going around him from behind. “Rafe! No, please!”

    Y/n looked away from the two not being able to watch Rafe self destruct anymore and watched as Sarah knelt down next to the older woman as she held onto her life. Y/n joined her on the other side of the dying woman. “I’m so sorry.

Y/n thought her head was spinning. She didn’t know up from down. How did she get here? How did she get from being with her sweet loving boyfriend to this moment where she was a witness to a crime? A murder, commited by Rafe. A boy that she thought she knew everything about and cared for so much. But now as she watched him drag his little sister to the truck she didn’t recognize not one hair on his head, This wasn’t the rafe that she knew and loved. Or maybe this was him. Maybe this was the new Rafe that couldn’t go a day without snorting cocaine up his nose. Maybe she didn’t know Rafe anymore, maybe she had finally lost him.

    Y/n was pulled away from her thoughts by someone’s arms on her shoulder. She turned her head to meet Ward’s glare. Y/n never liked the man, but now as he was trying to cover up his son’s wrong doings she wished she never even stepped foot in his house. 

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME WARD!” She spat. “I can walk by myself.” Y/N started walking to the truck watching as her boyfriend, high out of his mind and losing it faster than anyone could expect, ran to the driver’s side and jumped in. 

She made eye contact with Sarah through the glass window and gave her a small nod, trying to tell the young blonde that everything was going to be ok. She wasn’t sure if she needed to convince the 16 year old or herself more but she figured they could both use the reassurance. She slowly climbed into the backseat and thought back to all the memories that her and Rafe had made in that truck. From their first kiss in the front seats to their third or fourth time in the backseat. She remembered when he surprised her with a picnic date on the bed of the truck. He had set up a mattress and blankets in the bed of the truck and had a cooler full of drinks, some more legal than others. He had parked the truck in a big field in front of two trees, tied a white sheet between them and brought a mini projector. They watched all types of movies from Disney to Nicholas sparks. It was her favorite memory of them together. But as she watched Rafe drive form the backseat, shaking and glancing around nervously, she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to make another memory with him again. She didn’t recognize him, she didn’t understand what had happened within a few months time, but she knew that she had witnessed the boy she once loved turn into something that she wasn’t sure she could even look at, let alone kiss again. The thought made the girl sick to her stomach. 

“Rafe, I’m gonna be sick.”

          The boy looked back at his girlfriend as he was slowly coming down from his high. He felt bad for her, but didn’t want to pull over scared that Sarah would try to escape again.

“You’re fine, Y/n, ok? Just hang on until we get to the house, ok baby?” He tried to reach back and grab the girls hand but when she felt him touching her she swatted it. 

“Rafe pull over.”

He looked at her through the mirror, glancing back and forth between the gravel and his girlfriend in the backseat. He was starting to get agitated with her. “Y/n I’m not fucking pulling over right now. You can wait until we get to the ho-” 

“RAFE! I swear to god if you don’t fucking pull this vehicle over right now, I’m going to puke all over your console. Now pull the fuck over and let me out of this GODDAMN truck.” Rafe quickly swerved off the road and put the black truck in park.

    Lighting fast, y/n opened the door and jumped out before emptying her stomach in the grass. As she stood there trying to get rid of everything inside of her, including the mental images she probably won’t ever forget, she started to silently pray. Pray for a new day, a new life or a different life. But as time started to come back to her and she heard cars passing on the main road, she realised all she really wanted was a couple of seconds. A couple seconds to herself where she could divide her thoughts from reality and could figure out what she just witnessed. So instead she prayed for more time. 

#rafe cameron #rafe imagine #outerbanks #outer banks imagine #obxstuff #obx rafe #obx requests #drewstarkey #please request #request #first fic

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[calgoodie]

Texts with Monica

The fight that led to the fire pit fight

Monica Yesterday at 8:29 PM i don’t want to go to the lake party

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:30 PM Babe you need to come and make peace with the crew

Monica Yesterday at 8:30 PM i’m ok thanks tho

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:31 PM Seriously?

Monica Yesterday at 8:31 PM no one really seems concerned with making peace with me so no ones reached out to me so

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:31 PM No one has reached out to me either I'm being the adult and trying to bring them together In a peaceful unity Half of them ignored me until just now I sent that hours ago They all got fucked up and showed up without a word and now they're responding but I care about them so I'm going to see if we can't make peace you know?

Monica Yesterday at 8:33 PM why is it my job to make peace? why is it always my job

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:33 PM Literally I did not say it was

Monica Yesterday at 8:33 PM they. don’t. care.

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:33 PM I am trying to make peace for the group You just need to be there

Monica Yesterday at 8:33 PM well maybe i’m not supposed to be part of the group they’re YOUR friends

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:33 PM They're YOUR friends too Jane is YOUR roommate. Evie is YOUR best friend I am YOUR boyfriend. We are all connected here

Monica Yesterday at 8:34 PM evie won’t speak to me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:34 PM Maybe she will if you show up

Monica Yesterday at 8:34 PM i only know her because of you, same with jane and hollis

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:36 PM Please reconsider

Monica Yesterday at 8:36 PM i don’t know

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:37 PM I would really like to see you there, but if you decide against it I get it.

Monica Yesterday at 8:37 PM i want to see you too

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:38 PM Then come join me

Monica Yesterday at 8:38 PM but i don’t think anyone wants to see me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:39 PM It's not the kind of thing where I think anyone wants to see anyone. None of us planned on seeing each other at this thing. We're all just planning to meet up you know? Smoke a peace pipe. Get a little shitty and hang out

Monica Yesterday at 8:40 PM none of them want to see me calum i’d just ruin it

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:41 PM I love you You know I do so I'm going to say something and please don't take offense okay?

Monica Yesterday at 8:41 PM fine

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:41 PM Do not make it about you and just come to enjoy it. If we all hang out we hang out. We get high. We have a good time.

Monica Yesterday at 8:42 PM or evie will just yell at me to “rot” again

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:42 PM If you bring up what's currently bothering you or you try and make her talk about it probably

Monica Yesterday at 8:42 PM no she’ll just yell at me she did that last time

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:42 PM I really don't think she will

Monica Yesterday at 8:42 PM have you met evie?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:42 PM Evie's high right now

Monica Yesterday at 8:42 PM exactly

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:42 PM I live with Evie

Monica Yesterday at 8:43 PM wow i forgot

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:43 PM I really don't think she will

Monica Yesterday at 8:43 PM thanks for reminding me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:43 PM Read her last text in the group chat

Monica Yesterday at 8:44 PM calum i feel like shit i don’t want evie making it worse

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:44 PM Alright...

Monica Yesterday at 8:44 PM i feel like i can’t even say anything

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:45 PM And I hate that you feel that way :frowning:

Monica Yesterday at 8:45 PM i can’t say anything without everyone hating me or thinking i’m some prissy bitch i piss everyone off

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:46 PM You don't think you can come and just have like a chill conversation?

Monica Yesterday at 8:48 PM i think if i come, the only way there won’t be drama is if i don’t speak

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:48 PM I don't know how to change how you feel about that Obviously I wish you didn't but I don't really know what to do

Monica Yesterday at 8:49 PM why am i the one being lectured?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:50 PM Because literally everyone else agreed with the exception of you

Monica Yesterday at 8:50 PM whatever calum clearly everyone else matters more

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:50 PM oh my god that's not true No one else is worried or having these doubts or these concerns. They're all down to get high and have a good time. You are fighting everything I say to try and assure you that it'll be okay While offering no solution other than just not to go which I'm going either which way

Monica Yesterday at 8:58 PM BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE CARES oh my god calum whatever

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 8:58 PM I CARE They aren't the type of people to come curl up and baby someone for forgiveness or an apology that's just not who they are you know? They deal with things differently

Monica Yesterday at 9:01 PM well i need something else i need mature adults who talk through their issues

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:01 PM Well then maybe they aren't the people for you... but why not come and try and meet others?

Monica Yesterday at 9:02 PM and ruin everyone’s night?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:02 PM What does it matter if you don't want them anymore?

Monica Yesterday at 9:02 PM i didn’t say that i’m just frustrated

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:02 PM You are not going to ruin their nights in the way you're letting them ruin yours

Monica Yesterday at 9:04 PM i don’t know what to do it feels like you’re on their side

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:05 PM I don't have a side. They're my friends. You're my girlfriend. I will not pick between you

Monica Yesterday at 9:05 PM k

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:06 PM Welp alright I'm out Night

Monica Yesterday at 9:06 PM IM FRUSTRATED i feel like everyone’s against me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:07 PM [Read 9:06 PM]

Monica Yesterday at 9:07 PM CALUM answer me or i swear to god

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:07 PM You did The one thing That does not warrant a fuckin response from me.

Monica Yesterday at 9:08 PM calum

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:08 PM No

Monica Yesterday at 9:09 PM what did i do i’m angry not at you

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:09 PM You send me K again

Monica Yesterday at 9:09 PM at them

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:09 PM I will turn my phone off for the rest of the night

Monica Yesterday at 9:09 PM fine i don’t know what to do i feel like an idiot if i show up and no one speaks to me, everyone’s mad at me and i’m just sitting there

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:11 PM The options are you show up and try to have a good time or you stay home and do whatever is going to make you feel better Then you find other people to talk to

Monica Yesterday at 9:11 PM nothing will make me feel better maybe if evie apologized for flipping out and not listening to me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:12 PM You did exactly what she didn't want you to do

Monica Yesterday at 9:12 PM id apologize for it if she didn’t scream at me every time

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:13 PM What if just a thouhgt

Monica Yesterday at 9:13 PM i didn’t kill her dog

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:13 PM we dropped it

Monica Yesterday at 9:13 PM i fucking paid her debt

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:13 PM :zipper_mouth:

Monica Yesterday at 9:13 PM i HELPED her whatever

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:13 PM I know you did

Monica Yesterday at 9:13 PM but i’m the bad guy i have to do all the apologizing

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:13 PM but she sees it as she now owes you $600k and probably feels pretty worthless about it No You really don;t I don't think she wants an apology

Monica Yesterday at 9:14 PM maybe if she spoke to me i’d know how to fix this

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:14 PM Says the girl who wont show up to the event she'll be at

Monica Yesterday at 9:14 PM because i don’t trust her not to scream at me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:15 PM What about showing up doing your own thing and letting her come to you

Monica Yesterday at 9:15 PM she worn wont* have you met evie?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:15 PM I already answered that one and you got mad at me for it so

Monica Yesterday at 9:16 PM calum focus you know what i meant

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:17 PM I am focused. But I'm not going to spend my entire time here trying to convince my girlfriend to come. So do or don't. Just let me know

Monica Yesterday at 9:18 PM wow thanks so much for the support i’ll let you know i guess

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:19 PM You have my support. You know what I think you should do but again you fight Every suggestion I've had so

Monica Yesterday at 9:19 PM i can’t even say what i want to say because i know you’ll flip

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:20 PM Say it

Monica Yesterday at 9:20 PM i feel like you’re not on my side and i know you are but it feels like you’re on evie’s side more than mine and i know it’s not sides but i need SUPPORT

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:21 PM What in your perfect world would you have me do

Monica Yesterday at 9:22 PM tell evie to come talk to me and that i want to talk to her

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:22 PM And you know that's going to piss her off right? Because I know that and I'd hope you'd know that but you still want that?

Monica Yesterday at 9:22 PM my presence will piss her off either way

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:22 PM No but you've convinced yourself of that so

Monica Yesterday at 9:23 PM oh my god if my presence won’t piss her off, why would you saying i want to talk to her piss her off? you’re telling me to talk to her, this is what i want to do

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:24 PM Because your presence isn't a guarantee that you're going to bring up a topic that's going to piss her off

Monica Yesterday at 9:24 PM evie told me to rot last time i saw her she threw things at me and told me to never come back

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:24 PM But me saying "Go talk to Monica she wants to have a conversation with you." That's gonna go over well Babe she's already fucked up

Monica Yesterday at 9:25 PM which will make her more fighty

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:25 PM She isn't going to want to have an intelligent conversation with you

Monica Yesterday at 9:25 PM last time i was around her and she was fucked up she said some not nice things to me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:26 PM Which isn't okay but maybe just stick with hanging out in groups you know?

Monica Yesterday at 9:27 PM and risk getting screamed at?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:27 PM She's not going to scream at you in a giant group of people

Monica Yesterday at 9:27 PM yes she 100% would she has before

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:28 PM I'll defend you if she does

Monica Yesterday at 9:28 PM okay and if evie wants you to defend her, then what?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:28 PM Can I just say I hate this position a fuck ton

Monica Yesterday at 9:31 PM i can only imagine but it’s where we’re at so

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:32 PM Then I will give up my best fucking friend. Because that's what you wanna hear right now.

Monica Yesterday at 9:32 PM that’s not what i want calum but you can’t blame me for not being sure if you’ll flip on me because evie came first and i’d get it if you did i’m shitty whatever

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:33 PM I'm gonna go catch up with Danny. Text me if you decide to come.

Monica Yesterday at 9:33 PM wow thank you you’re mad at me too now

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:34 PM I'm not mad M. I'm fuckin tired of having this conversation while I'm trying to hang out with people.

Monica Yesterday at 9:34 PM thanks for the support

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:34 PM Because I haven't supportrd you this whole time

Monica Yesterday at 9:34 PM you have but i need it now i’m about to walk into a hellfire

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:34 PM Do you even HEAR yourself

Monica Yesterday at 9:35 PM whatever i’m crazy and dramatic maybe i should just go back to where i came from make your lives easier

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:35 PM I'm not playing this game with you

Monica Yesterday at 9:36 PM ITS NOT A GAME i’m not fucking around

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:36 PM If you would leave And go back home Over this

Monica Yesterday at 9:37 PM it’s not just this

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:37 PM Then that says more about you then it does about me

Monica Yesterday at 9:37 PM wow thank you

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:37 PM I've asked you to come I've told you I'd defend you if Evie wrongly comes at you I've offered suggestions of meeting or talking to other people But I'm not supportive I'm the shitty boyfriend

Monica Yesterday at 9:38 PM YOURE NOT SHITTY oh my god i never said that

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:38 PM YOU ARE THREATENING ME WITH MOVING HOME

Monica Yesterday at 9:38 PM I WASNT THREATENING they make me feel like i don’t belong here

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:39 PM No one can make you feel like that Just you

Monica Yesterday at 9:39 PM they do

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:39 PM You are giving them that power You don't have to You could show up And ignore the fuck out of them

Monica Yesterday at 9:40 PM and only talk to you? i’ll look like an asshole

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:40 PM Or MAKE FRIENDS

Monica Yesterday at 9:40 PM i had friends

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:40 PM And now you're over them

Monica Yesterday at 9:40 PM i’m not over them i’m upset oh my god if anything they’re over me hollis thinks i’m a stuck up bitch evie hates me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:41 PM If you say so

Monica Yesterday at 9:41 PM you’re acting like this is my fault

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:41 PM You're the one making this about you

Monica Yesterday at 9:42 PM i’m fighting with evie and it’s not about me

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:42 PM According to you it is

Monica Yesterday at 9:42 PM i don’t even know what i’d say i haven’t seen any of them except for jane and you in over a week what if i get there and they hate em

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:44 PM Because Evie doesn't have a right to be upset or mad at you. Evie owes you an apology and needs to be an adult despite being broke, physically abused, emotionally fucked, and receiving no kind of help for it. But let's expect her to act like an adult and deal with her problems right now instead of just accepting that we did what we could to help her and giving her the space she asked for and letting her come to you

Monica Yesterday at 9:44 PM me* wow wow ok i don’t even know how to answer that because i have no fucking problems right?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:44 PM Lol You

Monica Yesterday at 9:44 PM being the adult has been my entire LIFE but ok

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:45 PM Realize you just said "You're acting like it's my fault" You got upset at me when I Said you're making it about you I explained Evie's side And then you made it about you again

Monica Yesterday at 9:45 PM IM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT ME about my side and you’re making it like i have this fucking easy life and evie has it hard and because i haven’t had it as hard i should just put my tail between my legs and say fuck it

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:46 PM Oh my God You're literally impossible Okay Fine It's all about you

Monica Yesterday at 9:46 PM oh my god calum i get it i understand evie but i’m different than evie

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:47 PM No I don't think you do Even a little bit

Monica Yesterday at 9:47 PM and you’re making it seem like evie’s side is the only one that counts

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:47 PM Because if you did You could be a God damn adult. Show up and ignore her like one

Monica Yesterday at 9:48 PM this was what i was afraid of you taking her side i’m TRYING here

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:48 PM No

Monica Yesterday at 9:48 PM i don’t want to come because i want to give her space

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:48 PM You're getting defensive

Monica Yesterday at 9:48 PM because i know she doesn’t want to see me i don’t want to ruin her night so i should just stay away

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:48 PM Then that's your choice

Monica Yesterday at 9:48 PM make everyone’s life easier make your life easier

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:49 PM Nope

Monica Yesterday at 9:49 PM with me out of the picture you don’t have to pick sides

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:49 PM You don't get to decide what makes my life easier That is not yours to take from me You are doing this for you

Monica Yesterday at 9:49 PM how do you know why i’m doing this? because i’m not but ok

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:50 PM Lol I'm not having this conversation

Monica Yesterday at 9:50 PM selfish monica whatever

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:50 PM Have fun tonight doing whatever you end up doing

Monica Yesterday at 9:51 PM calum please calum

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:53 PM What

Monica Yesterday at 9:53 PM please

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:54 PM Please what babe?

Monica Yesterday at 9:54 PM don’t abandon me i know i’m being crazy

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:55 PM I'm not but this is where I'm gonna be tonight

Monica Yesterday at 9:55 PM hi i’m freaking out but* i don’t know if i even want to come in general

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 9:57 PM Then don't come. My apartments unlocked. Moose would probably love the company

Monica Yesterday at 10:10 PM i’m gonna shower and then decide

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:11 PM Sounds good

Monica Yesterday at 10:12 PM if i come will you be there with me?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:13 PM Absolutely.

Monica Yesterday at 10:14 PM what’s that period?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:16 PM I didn't mean to hit it. I'm sitting with this sad kid who looks like he's about to cry and telling me his life story and I wanna put a fucking bullet through my brain

Monica Yesterday at 10:17 PM then leave that sounds shitty but it’s a party you’re supposed to be having fun

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:17 PM I'm about to. I wanna get in the water

Monica Yesterday at 10:17 PM will you swim with me later?

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:19 PM Of course I will

Monica Yesterday at 10:19 PM good i love you

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:22 PM I love you too

Monica Yesterday at 10:48 PM what should i wear

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:51 PM It's warm now. It'll probably be cool later but there's like fire pits and shit

Monica Yesterday at 10:51 PM i’ll wear a bathing suit and shorts and a sweater

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 10:56 PM You always look super good

Monica Yesterday at 10:56 PM i might still be puffy

Monica Yesterday at 11:32 PM hi im here

Calum & Ritchie Yesterday at 11:35 PM Let me make sure this kid gets home and I'll come find you okay?

Monica Yesterday at 11:37 PM yeah sure

Monica Yesterday at 11:55 PM im sitting by one of the fire pits

#c:monica #texts

[readbythestarlight]

c2e28

“This flask is Taliesin’s new character” shut up Sam don’t mock us

They’re FINALLY going to go check out the Taskers and i swear if Taliesin’s character isn’t with them I’m gonna die

(unless this is all a trick and Taliesin is just hanging out until Molly can reasonably be brought back…)

Caleb stepping in and doing some strategizing both makes me proud and makes me sad because I guarantee he was great at that before Everything happened

Beau and Caleb disagreeing over a spider

“Shady Debaters Debate Team” I would wear that shirt

Nila wants to use her lighting let her fuck people up with her lightning draw people outside for her to fry please

Yes please get yourself some goddamn healing potions

YAAAAS NILA HAS HEALING WORDS

and good berries xD

GUYS I STILL LOVE HER SO MUCH I WOULD STILL DIE FOR HER

The Bone Orchard…ooooooo

Necromancers maybe?

Please go to the Taskers first I feel like Taliesin has to be with them

If people have been torturning Jester I’m gonna cry she’s too sweet for this

Nila’s smell bag is so cute y’all stop teasing her

“You are relying on me, I’m very happy” sHE’S SO PURE

Oh shiiiiit she just saved them from freaky forest ground monsters that’s my girl!

GRAVE SITE I’M TELLING YA ITS NECROMANCERS

Caleb getting tired of the debate and just heading over the gate

Not just carelessly flinging herself after him smh

Spooooooky place I don’t know how I feel about this

YAAAAAAAAS THEY FOUND HIM HOLY SHIT AHHHHHHHHHHHH OF COURSE HE LIVES IN A GODDAMN GRAVEYARD I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE IS THE ULTIMATE GOTH

HE’S A FIRBOLG???

“Caduceus Clay” AND HES A CLERIC GOD BLESS Jester will be delighted that she doesn’t have to do all the healing anymore

Caduceus seems delightful I’m delighted I MISSED YOU TALIESIN

fuck i love him already

he’s like the goddamn grave keeper TALIESIN COULD YOU HAVE GONE ANY MORE GOTH

B: “You’re drinking dead-people tea?”

Cad: “Aren’t we all?”

THE. ULTIMATE. GOTH.

…can’t bring Molly back. I’m not surprised at all given that it would be weird to bring his own character back, but still. That’s okay. It’s fine.

He just figured he’d sit there with his tea until someone came to help him leave lol

C: “Welcome to the Mighty Nein”

Cad: “There’s only, uh—“

B: “DON’T overthink it”

Nott shooting Beau to test Cad’s healing xD

FRUMPKIN NO DONT KILL HIM

fuuuuuuuck he dead

they needed him god dammit

HE’S ALIVE

ALIVE BY 1

I can’t decide if this is going to be a disaster, them going after them again right now, or???

LETS NOT SPLIT UP AT ALL EVEN JUST TO KILL TWO GUARDS

Taking off her armor is a horrible idea guys

Guest!Ashley has the cutest face and the purest laugh??? I love her

While we’re on break I’m trying to decide, is it weird that Taliesin chose to play a cleric when they already have a cleric? Part of me is like “what if he did that because he knew they were gonna need the temporary heals and he’s just gonna stick around as Cad until Jester is back and then he’s gonna rez Molly” and part of me is just like bfs girl Molly is gone let him go??

I don’t think I’ll be able to move on from Molly for sure though until the M9 move on from Shady Creek, with Cad tagging along.

Frumpkin the 3-HP spider

Not asking Cad questions nervously is adorable

Beau just sticking her face in the bag for the luck orb xD

Caleb: talks about breaking a guy’s skull

Nila: “excellent”

Poor Taliesin having to figure out a whole new character. He’d barely really figured out Molly yet.

20 for a perception check nice job Keg!

Sumalee accidentally meta gaming is honestly just cute enough that i don’t even care she could metagame all day and i’d be fine with it

HERE THEY GOOOOO

Matt looks so lost xD

FUCK ‘EM UUUUUUP TEAM BEAU/CALEB/NILA

FUCK ‘EM UUUUUUP TEAM KEG/NOTT/CAD

good rolls, good rolls…

YAAAAS GO KEG!

YAAAAAS NILA BASH HIM DO IT GIRL she’s been waiting to kill someone for so long

goddamn they handled that SO WELL LOOK AT THEM IM SO PROUD

“one was just enjoying the wind, and then darkness forever” Matt xD

Goddamn I can’t believe they pulled that off so well. Lorenzo better watch the fuck out.

Are we calling him Clay then because I liked Cad

Frumkpin the flying spider?? Methinks they all forgot Caleb made him a spider

Nila’s so excited to have like 32 gold she’s so cute you guys

Keg get another nat20 for stealth

okay… are they really unnoticed I’m nervous

B: “Look at the—look at the windows, too.”

Cad: “They’re nice.”

I love hiiiiiim

We can’t go get friends tho because they’re not HERE YET

Boy I can’t wait to see this map

Liam missing his rogue days hardcore right now lol

YAAAAS Taliesin with the nat20 deception I was so scared

“I’m gonna have an ulcer after this game” fucking SAME

Ashley and Sam holding hands like SAME god the stress

Also heck yeah we’re uncovering the maaaaap!

Liam is just very thoroughly uncovering the map

fuck don’t squish Frumpkin

“Hey Phil come help me kill this spider!”

Oh thank god good job poofing him out Caleb

I’m serous guys I love Caleb coming up with plans and leading the group in Fjord’s absence I love it

WAIT

YOU CANT SEND NOTT IN BY HERSELF

DONT DO THAT

FUCK

WE CANT AFFORD TO LOSE ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE GANG GUYS

NOT NOTT

Hey Caleb can you teach Nott the door unlocking spell?

Keg: “Nott. Be careful.”

Nott: “…Do you care about me?”

K: “…Yeah.”

N: *happy wiggle*

Fuck I don’t like this they were doing so well but this is going to be a disaster

A NAT1

FUUUUUUUUUCK

KILL THEM

fuck it was going so well god DAMMIT Caleb this was a BAD PLAN

God they’re not even all together I am literally so afraid right now

Yessss hasted Keg

fuckfuckfuck im literally so fucking scared right now

okay good they missed Not

FUCK ‘EM UP NILA

NO SAVE THE TOTEM FOR LORENZO

SAVE IT NILA

SAVE IT

poison spray yesss that sounds nice and 12pts damage good girl

poor Sam has such a hard time with his rogue skills

NOTT STOP RUNNING AHEAD

GOD Y’ALL DID MOLLY TEACH YOU NOTHING

fuck them up Keg

Yessssss kill him Keg my hero

Hasted Keg is the best man 4 attacks? She’s helping make up for a lack of Yasha

Keg getting between Nott and danger is so sweet I’m crying is she trying to make sure Molly does’t happen all over again

I would also die for Keg you guys

Sorry Phil you dead

BITCH HAS YASHA’S SWORD

FUCK HER UP

Wait until you get in the room above the trap door at least Nila

I adore her

PHIL DON’T YOU TOUCH NILA

yesssss he misses

NOTT

DONT FUCKING GO NEAR THE BARBARIAN

“IM THINKING OF REMOVING MY SPINE… CAUSE IT’S ONLY HOLDING ME BACK! :D”

holy shit Nott put her prone I’m crying I’m sorry I doubted you Nott

Fuck up the barbarian Keg yessss

Action surge means what what is that it’s cool

NAT20 YAAAAAS Keg is the BEST you guys

What I’m taking from this is that women name Ashley make the best lady characters and get the job done

why are you spending key points in non-combat when Lorenzo is still out there somewhere

Oh jeez are Cad or Nila close enough to heal Keg if she needs it??

DON’T TAKE AWAY HASTE

fuck

Liam and Matt gonna fight lol

Let Nila beat the door in

MOMMA POWERS ACTIVATE and she beats in the door HELL YEAH

Maybe she should have saved the totem for IN the trap door?

Sumalee is so concerned that she’s gonna make a mistake it’s cute

UH I KNOW IT’S A JOKE BUT YOU CAN TAKE TALIESIN’S NEW CHARACTER FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS SOMEONE ELSE CAN DIE

Cad coming in with the heals heck yes

“A cleric who likes to heal! It’s amazing” LOL Sam. My thoughts exactly though

This isn’t going terrible but it isn’t going great and I’m worried about what they will have left when it comes time to face Lorenzo

YEAAAAAH HDYWTDT CALEB HECK YES somebody grab Yasha’s sword

also damn Caleb you get vicious with that fire

oh baby

please don’t freak again Molly isn’t here to forehead kiss you out of it

Aw first time he managed not to have issues

Maybe Lorenzo isn’t home… that would be great…

Or he’s downstairs…

Damn, Taliesin, that’s so amazingly morbid and fantastic. Just melting them away into fertilizer.

Nott apologizing for not being able to unlock the door and Caleb reassuring her that it’s not her fault. My heart.

Trapped door.

They are all getting silly xD

Oh god okay here we go

“I like pink better than purple” Liam how dare you

Manacles again ffs Matt

God a whole underground place

“He’s looking for green or blue or goth”

Fuuuuck they gotta get through at least 3 more??

And still no Lorenzo

fuck i don’t like thiiiiiiis

Lorenzo is absolutely in there. If he was upstairs he would have come down.

You’re assuming that there isn’t another way out that they could escape through and flank you

Matt’s like “I just got the downstairs map out guys”

Cad/Clay/Whatever like “let’s just?? ask??”

Oh no

stop him

“fucking Phil, ammiright?”

fuck this son of a bitch up

16 damage fuck him uppppp Nila!

fuck him uuuuup Keg!

fuck him up Clay!

fuck him up Nott!

Clay just… turning him into mulch I’m crying

Damn I’m so impressed they took care of that so well

fuck traps

PLEASE LET NILA’S BABY BE OKAY

Nila being such a mom is my favorite like I’m so here for the peaceful person who has never hurt anyone, but will fuck you UP for touching their loved ones

SOMEONE HEAL ASSAR

IM CRYING

MATT STOP IT

it’s fine I’m only crying a little

“be well. be well my son.”

I’m very much crying

Let her rip it open Matt let her do it

Okay Nila it’s okay let Nott try or Caleb then if Nott can’t

SAM stop with the 1s!!

SHES GOT HER FAMILY BACK AGAIN I CRYYYYYYY

the power of love is stronger than metal bars hell yes

“I love it when it works for the narrative!” lol Matt at his most DM-i-est

FAMILY HUG ITS FINE IM NOT CRYING

oh god I’m gonna miss Nila so much

WE LOVE YOU NILA I HOPE WE SEE YOU AGAIN SOME DAY

FIRBOLG HUG

I’ve cried way too much these past like idk 7 episodes

Nila is forever a member of the M9 y’all save that feather

it’s fine

it’s totally fine

How many members of the M9 are there now

Fjord Jester Caleb Nott Beau Molly Yasha, then Shakaste, Cali, Kiri, Keg, Nila, and now Clay.

God this was such a good episode.

Caduceus is great guys. He’s different enough from Molly not to make me heartsore, and I think he’ll bring a nice new dynamic? I’m not at all disappointed by him (not that I expected to be, I knew Taliesin wouldn’t let us down).

I’m gonna miss Nila so much. Like Marisha said, she was the softness the group needed.

I can’t believe Sumalee has never properly played before! That’s amazing! She was amazing! I hope I can be half that great at my first proper game!

And I’m so excited to see how it goes next week, live from GenCon! Excited to see how this section wraps up. It’s gonna be amazing.

#emi watches critical role #Critical Role #critical role spoilers

[pacman-tattoo]

promise [connor m. x reader]

uh hi im not good at reader inserts i swear. i’ve never written connor (or anything deh-related) before so uh, my apologies if he (and zoe, since she pops up for like, 5 seconds) is ooc. also i wrote this on google docs and then tumblr messed it up so i fixed it :’D

warnings; swearing, mainly? lots of swearing.

    connor: you up

    connor: y/n

    connor: fuck

    y/n: wtf connor i was almost asleep

    connor: sorry

    y/n: what is it

    connor: come outside

    y/n: connor

    y/n: what

    y/n: oh my god

    y/n: connor i s2g

    connor: just get out here

     You threw off your blankets, shoved your phone in your sweatpants’ pocket as you left your room without a second thought. You were lucky, since you didn’t have to worry about your parents - your mom was definitely asleep, and your dad worked at night. Meanwhile Connor probably had to sneak out to get here - the fucker probably ran here, now that you think about it. But you opened the door, and there he stood at the end of your driveway, staring off into the skies. He didn’t hear the door open, or maybe he did and he just wanted to ignore the world for a few more minutes. Just a few minutes - that’s all some people could ask for.

    You and Connor weren’t friends - you never did anything together or went anywhere or talked at school - but you two definitely weren’t strangers. By some chance you ended up with his number due to some stupid school project either freshman or sophomore year after being thrown into a group with him and some other kid, and it had been your idea to exchange numbers. Some kids pitied you - you were in a group with Connor Murphy, the same kid who threw a printer at his second grade teacher because he wasn’t line leader. But you didn’t say anything as some kid whispered this to you. Maybe he was one of those kids. Kids with issues that don’t get resolved because people just say they’ll grow out of it, just give it time. But maybe it was because you could relate in a way. Connor had his problems, and you had yours. He texted you during the project once. You and Connor and whatshisname got an A.

    But after a few weeks, he texted you again. Some question about whatever book you’d been reading. And then you texted him about some stupid thing, and then it continued - by some stroke of mere luck. But you didn’t talk to him at school, whether it be out of respect for whatever image he has drawn up for himself, or whether it be a small part of you trying to protect your own image, you weren’t exactly sure at times. You saw how people would look at him. So maybe you’d try to be there more.

    So you walked and you stopped at his side, dressed in a shirt and sweatpants, and looked at the stars with him.

    “Hey.”

    He didn’t respond for a moment. “Hey.”

    “You okay?”

    “Yeah.”

    You looked to him. “You sure?”

    “Yeah.”

    You frowned. You looked back to the stars. “Liar.”

    “I’m not-”

    You cut him off, “Connor. You can talk to me.”

    “I hurt Zoe.”

    Your blood ran cold. “Hurt how?”

    “I… said some shit to her that I didn’t mean.”

    “Connor-”

    “We already fight, but I said some shit and I think it actually got to her this time.”

    “What did you say?”

    He looked over to you. He shook his head. You only shove your hands into your pockets.

    “Some things are better left unsaid, then,” you shrugged, “but… that bad, huh?”

    “Yeah.”

    “You wanna stay over? Mom and dad won’t care.”

    He nearly chuckled. Yeah, but his will. “Can’t. I already had to sneak out to get here.”

    “That hasn’t stopped you before,” you said and shrugged again. “Whatever.”

    There’s a pause. Your shoulder bumps against his arm. He finally spoke again.

    “I think Zoe hates me.” When you didn’t respond, he only continued, “not that I blame her. It’s just… I don’t know, this shit’s bothering me.” He paused. “Maybe I’ll stay over.”

    You somewhat knew why - or at least you thought you did. You could keep him from doing something he’d regret. But you only nodded. “You can stay in my room.”

    “Alright.”

    It grew quiet again. You sat down. Connor sat beside you. The warm air blew and brushed over your skin and you shivered a little but you don’t mind, honestly, because any wind is good wind when it’s hot as hell outside - and the only reason you’re wearing sweatpants is because it’s cold as fuck inside, no thanks to your parents keeping the house at least fifty degrees minus whatever it was outside. You look to Connor. His hair is pulled back. But not only is his hair pulled back; it’s pulled back in one of those cheap, puffy hair-ties that only kids use sometimes because they’re soft and small and easy to lose and cheap, and it reminds you of childhood because there were a lot of girls that would have their parents or siblings or whoever brush their hair and put it up in those little puffy hair-ties that matched their outfits because that’s cute, y’know, kids are cute, but Connor Murphy is sitting next to you at seventeen with a cheap pink (or maybe it’s purple or red but fuck if you knew for sure) hair-tie he probably stole from Zoe or he found hidden in a drawer or maybe he ran into a Walmart and bought it, because, honestly, fuck if you knew. But it makes you smile. He doesn’t catch why, but the small crack of a smile begins to break through.

    Maybe you liked Connor Murphy.

    No. There wasn’t a maybe. You liked Connor Murphy and you knew it and you didn’t say shit because you’d become that person who likes a freak despite how much you wanna scream that he is not a freak and he doesn’t deserve this bullshit. And honestly, you doubted that he liked you. Connor didn’t really like anybody, or at least, he was pretty damn good at hiding it. Connor was pretty damn good at hiding a lot of things - although he wasn’t as good when it came to you. You knew these little things he’d do whenever he was lying and you called him out on it when you could. But if Connor liked you, or liked anyone, you didn’t know.

    “How are you not hot right now?”

    You shrugged. His gaze lingered on you for far too long. You faked a yawn. “Let’s just… go to sleep. C’mon.”

    You two stood, and Connor followed you inside, lingering behind you as you locked your door and then double-checked it because can you always trust your memory? sometimes you wish you could and swung down the hall, walking into your room. When was the last time Connor was in here?

    “New poster,” he noted in a voice that was too quiet. You looked over. You shrugged - something someone had bought you and you hung it up just because there was an empty space. You’d tear it down in a few more weeks. It… messed with the flow of your room. Not because you didn’t like the band or anything - you did, but recent events have fucked with your perception and you’d rather not broadcast your love for their music because then people start to assume you’re a terrible person and you’re excusing actions, even if you say nah dude, it’s just their music, fuck them as people because that was when it sounded like you were getting defensive and making up an excuse so that people still liked you even if you were a piece of shit who excused actions-

    “Are you okay?” Connor finally asked. You almost shrugged again. You really should stop doing that.

    “Tired.”

    He doesn’t buy it. Connor unzipped and tossed away his hoodie - and he was asking you about your sweatpants - somewhere on the floor while you threw down a pillow or two and a spare blanket. He mumbled a thank you while you buried yourself back in your blankets. Through sleep ridden thoughts, you finally looked back to Connor, who lay there on your floor, gazing at your ceiling.

    “Connor?” A small hum of acknowledgement. “Promise me you’ll talk to me.”

    “I already talk to you.”

    “Connor.”

    A soft chuckle. “Yeah. Sure. I’ll talk to you.”

    “Promise?”

    “Promise.”

    The next morning, Connor had left before you were awake. You checked your phone first, only to find a quick text saying he “had to go.” His parents or his sister probably started freaking out. You didn’t blame them - you would be too.

    And a few days after that, Zoe Murphy decides to text you -something short and simple at first.

    zoe: [y/n]? this is zoe murphy.

    At first you wondered how she got your number. Maybe Connor’s phone? But then:

    zoe: have you seen connor?

    Fuck.

    y/n: no?

    y/n: why

    zoe: damn it.

    y/n: zoe what the fuck

    zoe: i don’t know

    zoe: he disappeared last night.

    y/n: fuck, i’ll call and see if i can get ahold of him

    zoe: don’t. i got your number from his phone.

    zoe: he left it on his bed

    y/n: well shit

    y/n: i’ll go look for him

    zoe: thank you

    Damn it, Connor. You pushed back from your desk, grabbing your wallet before stopping. Connor’s jacket. You grabbed it from the floor, confused as to why he’d leave it here, but only shrugged as you threw it onto your bed - it could always wait. You need to find Connor first, then you could return his jacket. You swung out of your doorway and down the hall, glancing to your father on the couch, watching some sitcom on TV. You grabbed your keys, the jingling enough to catch his attention as he glanced up to see you about to slip into your shoes.

    “Going out?” He mused. You nodded.

    “Meeting a friend.”

    “Friend?”

    “Yeah.”

    He took your word. Bless him. “Alright. Be careful.”

    “I will.”

    After three hours of aimlessly driving around town, you returned home and immediately the sight of Connor fucking Murphy sitting on your doorstep made you grip the steering wheel as tight as you could. You pulled up and off to the side of your mother’s car, shutting off the car and quickly slamming the door behind you. It took everything to keep you from stomping over to Connor and nearly punching him, but you didn’t. He looked up at you and the smallest hint of a smile flickered across his face, but disappeared upon seeing you glowering at him.

    “I can explain-”

    “What the fuck, Connor?”

    “I needed some time alone.”

    “You couldn’t have taken your phone? Or told Zoe? Or me?”

    He licked his lips, running a hand through his hair, before slowly speaking, “no.”

    You grew flustered as frustration continued to build, “Connor-” you stumbled, “what-” and again, “you can’t just-” and again and again before only coming up with a single word: “why?”

    He shrugged, “Zoe would…. probably tell me I’m stupid. And you…” He trailed off. “It’d be hard to say shit to you.”

    Your chest tightened. Did he not trust you? “Connor-”

    “I was thinking about you.”

    Well, shit. Your heart jumped at the thought of Connor thinking about you because why should he think about you? Why would he be sitting around somewhere thinking of you?

    “It’s just…” He stopped for a moment… was Connor blushing? Oh god. “You’ve been nice to me.”

    “Because you’re cool?” You said, “I mean, you haven’t really given me a reason-”

    “Did everyone else need a reason to treat me like a freak?” He took the smallest of steps away from you.

    You frowned. “Apparently not. But… that’s just how people are, Connor.”

    “You aren’t.” He licked his lips again, before taking a deep breath. “You… gave me a chance. Even after what that kid told you. And… I don’t know, it just got to me. You actually gave a shit about this fuck up of a person-”

    “Connor-”

    “And I just kept thinking and thinking about what to fucking say because, fuck, this shit is confusing, because you.. you’re just...”

    “Just? Connor, just tell me what-”

    Before you could even finish your thought, Connor’s lips were on your own. Connor fucking Murphy was kissing you and it wasn’t a dream, holy shit. You tore back from him by some impulse, staring at him and nearly touching your own lips until you caught his scowl.

    “Fuck, no, I shouldn’t have-” He stumbled back, “fuck, you probably think I’m some kind of… freak who just.. just-” He groaned, muttering, “fuck” over and over under his breath.

    Something spurred. Confidence? Hormones?... Maybe something else? Hell if you knew. But you still smiled, slowly pushing your hands into your pockets and only glancing at Connor, keeping your words soft, “you could have asked, dumbass.” He looked back to you, eyes pinned to you, drinking in your appearance at that very moment before balling his hands into fists. Something snapped, the small bit of hope that had filled him faltering as he dug his nails deeper into his palms.

    “This isn’t funny, [y/n]. Don’t…” He paused, “don’t fuck with me like this.”

    You could feel something pluck at your heartstrings, “I’m not-”

    “You're just… you're gonna fool me into thinking that there's something real here and then- then you’ll just laugh at me along with the whole school at the freak who thinks he’s in love with you-”

    “Connor, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

    “Why would you actually like me? Why should you like me?” His voice broke, “fuck, I knew this was just some sort of… pity shit, and now you’re just playing along because fuck, how can you not just smile and go along with the joke? How can you not just-”

    And then it was your turn as you ended up cutting him off, grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him to you for another kiss. Desperation set in, his hands flying to your hips to your back until one hand slipped into your hair, pulling you closer, pressing your body against his own. It wasn’t clear who broke away first, but Connor pressed his forehead against your own, his breathing irregular but warm with the scent of cigarettes enveloping you.

    “Connor?” You said in a soft voice. He didn’t speak, only making a soft hum in acknowledgement. You continued, “don’t disappear again. Promise?”

    He still didn’t speak at first, before the word came, unexpectedly soft compared to the roughness that was Connor. “Promise.”

#bean writes things #connor murphy x reader #deh x reader #dear evan hansen x reader #dear evan hansen #deh reader insert #dear evan hansen reader insert #should i tag this as connor murphy #im gonna tag it as #connor murphy #love that boi. #connor x reader #zoe murphy #even tho shes not rly there #reader insert

[harfblarf]

more rick and morty nonsense-- this time, rest and ricklaxation

i havent seen any posts outright pointing this out so: we know that toxic morty contains a lot of morty’s insecurity-- “I don’t want to be on camera I’m ugly”, “my voice is annoying”, so on-- and that he’s scared he’s gonna be in hell, but he also outright states that he "just want[s] to die”. Also that he’s in pain. 

Other things Toxic Morty says:

“I believe you” to Rick, with no hesitation-- Morty’s occasional blind faith in his grandpa is viewed as toxic? Healthy Morty certainly doesn’t just play along with Rick’s ideas

“*screams*”-- panic

“yes rick, i-i agree rick”-- stutter, capitulation, submission, avoiding confrontation

“i think my voice is annoying” in response to rick asking what morty thinks of him discovering electricity-- vaguely self-centered in a depressive way?

“i dont like confrontation”-- yeah no kidding

“i-i dont like this, this is scary” fear, aversion to violence

“i’m a piece of shit but I got the tank” obedient, self-hating

leans on dash much like healthy morty did, looking resigned

“jesus christ it hurts”-- unlike healthy morty makes no effort to reassure others

Toxic Rick :

“you can die when I say so”-- controlling

“why am I bragging about that, I have nothing to prove”-- insecurity

“I’m surrounded by inferior pieces of shit and--” *looks at morty* LOOK IM NOT SAYING HE DOESNT VIEW MORTY AS AN INFERIOR PIECE OF SHIT I’M JUST SAYING THERES AN IMPLICATION THAT IM CHOOSING TO READ INTO. YES HE FINISHED WITH ‘TOXINS’ BUT COME ON that pause tho

hey where did toxic rick get fucking glass test tubes

*destructive tendencies*

“I’m gonna rip your throat--”-- violent boi

“you little sociopath/okay shut up morty”-- considers healthy morty a sociopath, doesn’t want to listen to morty talking about people hating him (did not shut him up previously, only now)

“don’t negotiate with that little turd, you’re the rick, you need to show dominance!” insecurity, desire for control at any cost

angry when his plan goes downhill, angry about remerging

“I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did” considers his sexuality a toxic thing, bound to his anger and irrational attachments?

“fuck you summer” no respect, no apology

“alright fuck this time for plan b”, but leaves beth alone

fucking throws healthy morty out of the ship. not his morty, not his problem, i guess?

brags at a very uncomfortable toxic morty

“trapped in your brain... with delusions”

“relax, quit your bitching, you’re gonna be fine... grandpa’s here”-- that same arrogance that makes him call himself a god, is what assures him that he can help toxic morty

“just do it you piece of shit!” angry but resigned to the only solution he can see (small picture)

Healthy Morty:

“mind if i put on some music?”-- considerate, nonpresumptive

the whole “one song a day” thing-- optimistic, planning, looking to the future

“if anyone could [calculate happiness], Rick”-- deep respect for Rick, respect for intelligence, flattery

“thanks rick. I love you”-- affection for his grandpa, appreciation

“if we’re all bored, wouldn’t the common denominator be you?” this is a clever joke, but it’s mean. cleverness/humor is prized above consideration and kindness

“I knew you could” and the rest of this montage-- uh so Healthy Morty provides the confidence Normal Morty is missing to a bunch of people. if that’s not symbolism idk what is; plainly Morty considers supporting and helping people Healthy

“*doesnt react to being called a loser, not even to deny it*” I wonder if this is like, self-acceptance

suave but still in an awkward way? like he drops a pickup line on jessica with an awkward forced laugh

“happy to help rick”-- but no surprise, no real emotion. like it’s forced

“bad phone, chuck it”-- acceptance of simple answers

“if something’s worth saying, it’s worth eye contact”-- considers reliance on technology unhealthy? interesting especially considering his interactions with Rick and all his tech

“you shouldn’t have to deal with that, man”-- curiously, despite making it his job to stop other people from being in pain (helping all his schoolmates), he advises against helping the Toxins

“I think i know what to do. *snaps phone in half*” destruction of property, choosing simple solutions

“things are good... taking that away from me? that wouldn’t be healthy.” manipulation, selfishness, self-preservation

“world’s greatest grandpa, for reals” more manipulation

awkward chattering, spouting shallow wisdom

“pronounce it however you want, words are just things” lack of judgement

“please, thank you, we’re having a conversation”-- shoos away the waiter to make jessica less awkward, being rude to the waiter in the process. singleminded, simplistic solutions

extended metaphor of jessica to a planet, including some like very specific shit, “what’s the equator, what are the holidays”

“talk to me.” demanding, assertive

really... loud? and aggressive, and awkward and emotive; very little self-control

lacking attachments, passions, “life is a highway”, “no sparks no damage”

...really long metaphors with stacey too. u ok morty?

“bad parts of us, which includes our dishonesty” (emphasis mine); morty has no question that deceit is bad. of course, that’s what a manipulative little shit who believes in lying “for good reason” would say, too, so.

stacey will “do anything for you morty”? weird, probably more evidence of his manipulation. quickly earned her devotion

“kill him rick!” morty considers his violence and willingness to retaliate “healthy”

bites toxic morty-- willing to use unfair/dirty fighting techniques just like toxic rick did

also grinning while he attacks him

casually stops and leans on the dash, blank-faced, when beth appears. again, no passion, no emotion at all

also healthy morty was in the driver’s seat and only settled once he was in control

“we gotta stop him”

the one to explain why Healthy Rick shot Toxic Morty again

“you’re a better man than me Rick, I’m healthy enough to admit that”-- healthy morty to regular rick. what does it say that both toxic and healthy morty view rick as superior? man, that’s kinda fucked, even if healthy morty’s actions here are totes dickish

“have I ever lied to you? that’s right, and ask around, I never do” manipulaaaaaation

uses jessica as yet another extended metaphor

draws attention, revels in it, offers falsely specialized attention to people to earn and keep their affection (the wink, the friendliness with “dwayne”)

“red pill or blue pill”

“totally understand dwayne, you’re the boss”, then cuts to... jargon that makes his coworkers happy. i strongly suspect at least part of a lie here, or an omission of truth

the boy is really obsessed with organic carrots, who knows why

“is that how long it takes for rick to trace my location” but he’s smiling, not scowling, he’s... at best amused, at worst unbothered, i guess?

“you miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love ‘em back” holy shit morty

“you didn’t hang up”--”huh. how ‘bout that.” then to surprise into mild consternation when the fucking voltron drones show up

“do what you gotta do”-- despite not wanting it, recognizes the inevitability of rick getting him to remerge

apparently healthy morty told his girlfriend that he was “capitalizing on his lack of conscience by becoming a stockbroker”. interesting

Healthy Rick:

“heheh, this universe”-- considers the universe impressive/beautiful/awe-inspiring (compare to ‘the universe is a crazy chaotic place’)

“that is an interesting concept... listen to me, trying to calculate happiness over here”-- respectful of others’ ideas, still brilliant and trying to improve on them, recognizing that math/science isn’t the solution to everything

“here’s something no science could measure: i’m real proud to be your grandpa, morty”-- pride in his grandson, acknowledging the limits of science

“morty, a moment of your time?”-- so polite hot damn

“what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities-- their own will to live?”-- inherent respect for the value of life

“i’m accountable to my toxins”-- considers responsibility and facing it healthy

“locked ‘em in a cage *hits it while smiling as toxic rick swears*” my guy what the fuck; theoretical emotion, no actual immediate empathy

upset, sad about toxic rick’s deception

“sorry summer” considerate, apologetic

“summer get out of here, go”

“we can resolve our issues, we don’t need to resort to over-the-top--”

“just leave her out of this”

“it’s okay girls, i’m so sorry” takes the time to be reassuring and apologetic when danger is still afoot for the world, offers to cook??

“not our right to stop them”

“your morty”/”i know you give a shit dummy, because I know I don’t”-- i think this is again about “not my morty not my problem”, and that Healthy Rick doesn’t care about Toxic Morty

“merge with me and you’ll know how to save him”... except once they merge there is no saving him, is there? just preservation to merge him with Healthy Morty

“I had all my problems removed-- my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments” -- things healthy rick considers unhealthy are identified, but he’s still doing this in part because healthy morty insisted it was the right choice, and he’s still proud to be morty’s grandpa

“you’re literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture” so large-scale thinking is considered healthy?

“if i ever gave you the wheel, we’d be dead in five minutes” and isn’t that true, because toxic rick is willing to sacrifice himself for morty, and is too arrogant to think anyone is a threat to him? he would get morty AND himself killed if toxic rick was always in charge. no, letting toxic rick guide him is inevitable, but being controlled by him is unacceptable

Regular Rick: 

“man i really overthink shit when I’m angry”

“now it’s time we re-merge your little ass” interestingly his priorities were a) fix planet (what morty asked him to do), b) remerge morty (save toxic morty)

“that kid is a real piece of shit” (about healthy morty only)

“part of me really wanted to [save you], toxic morty. part of me really wanted to.” 

“tiny american psycho”

“kept asking ‘did you get a new morty yet?’“/”because you kept drunk-dialing me and crying about it!”/”I WASN’T CRYING” /in the background “I didn’t care” (what a liar)

Conclusion: as funny as most of this episode is, it strikes me that what Rick considers unhealthy, Morty considers healthy. Healthy Morty is violent, lacking a conscience, manipulative, domineering, sexual, and lacking in passion and attachments (he does, after all, abandon his family, not just Rick, for three weeks). Yes, he’s also less of a coward, not suicidal, and helpful, but compare to Healthy Rick. Healthy Rick is similarly lacking in passion and attachments, but he’s nonviolent, honest, less arrogant and less willing to impose his will on the world, nonsexual, and calm. Everything Healthy Rick isn’t, Healthy Morty is. It’s a fascinating insight into how Rick’s lies and denial are fucking up Morty’s perception of what is “healthy” and what isn’t. He has come to view violence, foul play, manipulation, lack of emotion/conscience, and dominance as valuable skills, even necessities, instead of the shameful attributes Rick views them as.

#rick and morty reference #rick and morty #rick and morty theory #i guess? #sort of it's more analysis than theory #toxic morty #toxic rick #healthy morty #healthy rick #slime morty #slime rick #tl;dr morty views everything rick hates as everything he should value

[wintershoujo]

why couldn't i have no kids and 3 money? it's as though im seeing ghosts ghosts of my past the past when i was glad to be alive when will i die to meet them again i cant see any ghosts the ghosts of my future dead people dont come back when will i die so i can never come back it's as though im seeing a mirror no more premonitions im filled with disgust but the mirror just shows a tired face i want to cry but i dont feel alive enough to do it i want the waters to shower me but the lakes have been dried by this drought when will i see ghosts again when will i feel haunted like i am will i be alive again will i succumb to the fire of the sun the sun that shriveled my crops and stole my water shakira law my friends dont talk to me my friends please dont talk to me anymore isolate me leave me be theyre all gone where do i go what do i do now that im all alone with you laid my heartfelt words on the microphone you heard them you read them so whyd you have to crush them whyd you have to crush me for crushing on you ive liked every picture ive liked every tweet since i met you if i could gather every heart that ive put on your account it wouldnt equal one one billionth of the love i feel for you at this very instant but i just feel like a stalker urban camouflage do you still hate me? how i acted was a pretty good reason to do you still consider me your friend? cause i mind if you dont but i cant do anything about that do you still hate me? not answering my texts and ghosting me or leaving me with little bits of responses just to keep me satisfied just to keep me satisfied but i want more on my plate this meal is not enough im still hungry for your affections but honestly i dont expect em (noise layered over) do you still hate me? do you still hate me? do you still hate me? do you still hate me? shalashaska you can run with the hunted you can leave me behind i dont care but if you stay by my side ill be eternally grateful i hope that decision'd be fateful and ill be faithful to you, im not better than the deer, or the squirrels and it's clear. im only clinging out of fear, but if you dont leave me and stay my peer, i swear ill make you feel sheer hope and emotion, i promise itll be sincere and ill make you feel right. right at home, and i promise our own fights both wont be alone. and there are no flights no one way paths, we'll roam, on the ground we still see daylight dont you take my words with grains of salt, cause i know ive disappointed enough to make you think all things are my fault, but deep down you know it's not true, cause when you need help i always default to making sure i can make your issues few if it wasn't already obvious enough i swear to god i love you called out by a serial killer fan again so how does it feel now that the huntress is the hunted after all the praise i gave you and criticism received you threw it all away in a simple misunderstanding but you wouldnt back down from your passive aggressiveness so ill follow through and give up on you i regret nearly everything from our friendship except the time we saw mad max together and you didnt like it but that's unrelated i should really complain about you you were a 10 pound weight to my already heavy life a little bit of poison added to the drink but now youre alone now youre nothing nothing nothing nothing to me i was tired of how i got criticized for everything i said now im sure you feel the same but at least i never insulted my favorite comic because it's japanese what the fuck have you read of it? i accepted your taste in music but you belittled mine and called it shit the only thing you ever liked was sam rudich and now i cant listen to it because it reminds me of you enough of the tumblr humor and calling yourself an egg because to me youre as rotten as food that's a year old you think youre clever? you think youre original? youre as old fashioned as a fucking typewriter what's your chance at getting me back? the same as rage against the machine playing together again the chance id ever not tell a white lie to you about liking twenty one pilots the chance you have is next to nothing so quit referencing stardust crusaders because i know youre just a fake i refuse to apologize because this was brought on yourself i refuse to apologize because my life is better without you i refuse to apologize because all your fake enthusiasm about me is gone down the drain you chose popularity over genuinity, fucking up your emotions more than ever, betraying all of your old friends to those you hardly even know, all because you couldn't stand one girl anymore so you broke apart and we're all better off without you. youve got the same amount of intelligence as a fish only slightly higher because i hope you feel pain from this the 10 pound weight might as well be 100 because it feels a lot easier to go around without you here because now youre alone now youre nothing now youre just a ghost my instincts to text you have fleeted why do you think i'll ever come back when you act all nice to your friends and then crush them under your own feet? never speak to anyone, ever.