#I dont even really know what im anxious about

[northern-passage]

Genuine thought as a fellow trans dude, I’ve seen a lot of (obviously non-serious) questions on other blogs about characters’ genitals such as “how does it look like?” and similar, and I think we all know & understand that such questions are extremely inappropriate to ask and (I hope) no one would actually go around asking these questions irl. Idk, I think we should treat trans characters just like cis ones, without any special “precautions”, so to normalise them and not make cis people treat them like fragile boxes, a thing which happens to a lot of us irl. Hope this doesn’t come off as an attack or anything lol.

no worries, i didn't take this as an attack at all. i actually agree with you, that's why i mentioned feeling conflicted about it and also mentioned that i've changed my stance on how i felt about handling Noel and Clementine in game and in explicit intimate scenes.

however, for me the problem comes from the fact that people... don't ask these kinds of questions about cis characters? i suppose people do get cheeky "who is the biggest 🤪" asks but i would hardly compare the two. to be a bit crude, no one is going to be asking if a cis character has a dick or not, or "what does it look like". of course it's natural for people to be curious, and i honestly encourage the open discussion and am happy to see trans bodies being talked about more in a positive way, but not everyone is going to be comfortable with it due to the inescapable transphobia online and in the community. sending me that kind of ask is like sending out an invitation for a debate or a discussion that i don't necessarily want to have. i also just don't think people should default to asking a random IF author on tumblr dot com to describe what bottom growth looks like.

and with most of these asks typically coming from someone who is anonymous, i have no way of truly knowing what the tone is, what their intentions are or why this is being asked - is it another trans person? or maybe someone who is just genuinely curious? or, more likely in my experience, is it someone who is going to immediately follow up this message with something transphobic after i answer? do i want to roll the dice and find out?

so while i agree with what you're saying, it's important to consider the context and the reality we live in. the IF community is not kind to trans people or trans characters. and as a trans person, my first priority is protecting myself and my mental health. so what i mean when i say "precautions," is that those precautions are for me, because i've had to deal with transphobic harassment here for years now, and i try to mitigate it as much as i can. it's also for my personal comfort - again, to be blunt, i'm simply just not comfortable discussing a trans character's genitals with anonymous strangers on the internet. it makes me feel vulnerable.

also i do want to say i didn't mean for any of that to come across as a dig at other authors - if you're comfortable answering those kinds of questions, that's really only something you can decide for yourself. like i said, this is just coming from my own experiences in IF and for my own personal comfort - i have previously talked a lot about trans stuff and gender and sexuality here, when i'm feeling up to it, but it is something that is very draining for me and can also be very upsetting.

basically: i do agree that it's important not to other trans characters or treat them any differently than cis characters, but i also think there are ways to do it that don't require me answering invasive questions or questions that i don't feel comfortable with as a real life trans person, you know what i mean?

#hopefully this better explains what i was trying to say #again no worries anon i've had this exact conversation before with other trans people #and it's something that i don't think has a perfect solution esp with the current... climate #and especially online with the anonymity it makes these topics really touchy. you don't know who is reading this or who is interacting #if it's sincere or in bad faith #things have changed a lot in the IF community for the better but it's still not safe and i always advocate for an author to protect #themself first #back when i started tnp it was not at all common for ppl to list characters as cis #really it was only nb or trans characters that got listed in that way #and it's why i chose not to do that and why i wanted the player to find out lea and merry was trans at the same time as the hunter #same with noel and clem and their privacy #giving them that agency was important to me #and it's still important to me now #but i got a lot of harassment because of that. the lea reveal didnt even end up in game it was on the blog and it was weeks of harassment #afterwards that still makes me anxious to this day whenever i talk about lea's transness #so basically like. it comes down to what someone is comfortable with and what they're mentally able to handle #edit: thinkin abt it more &im going to be honest if someone sent me an ask that said ‘what does it look like’ i would be very Not Happy #like cis people & cis characters do Not get treated that way so why would i allow it for my trans characters #so i stand by saying that these asks are inappropriate like. i obviously dont know the context of what ur referencing #but that’s a hard no from me personally either way #to me as a trans person that question in itself is othering and objectifying #ask #anonymous

[snailune]

wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it

#personal #i just want to make things so bad #it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it #i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life #if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art #if im making something im spending less time with them #and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences #but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that #and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends #but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas #i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors #all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick #so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!! #i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included #but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad #i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum #maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes #for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult #and not spend to much time thinking about this

[mainfaggot]

another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies

#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well #i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore #like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week #and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund #and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself! #mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly #ljke. what ks wrong with me #i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be #i really will end it all finally like Actually #bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition #theyre too nice to me #i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree #and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next #few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband #so. so yeah #but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care #of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself #like i dont think thats possible really. #maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that #so i guess thats why im still trying #but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way #like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still #very much present lingering choking me etc #so that brings me to the following: #im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this? #z.post

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

#^ guy who is not out of a depressive ep like he thought he sorta was #dont even like particularly feel the old urge of the anxiety/need to hurt my relationships like i used to..i just feel like shit. #short list of people i think i could handle like really speaking to rn but ultimately. i just want to be somewhere safe and easy #even if that feeling is like making me feel sorta suicidal still. #just dont have it in me to like figure out how to act normal right now. something i have to do around most people and nearly everyone #i intreact with irl right now #not healthy. Ofc naturally i know this. and i can push through it. im just not excited about it. #the exhaustion to like contain myself is greater than my lonliness even though that is rather large #and i would like to get this out of my system before like. the semester starts next week. which i know i cant like control but whatever #this is all sooooo stupid. i need to be alone but i need compaionship of someone i trust. #it feels like there is glue in my mouth and i can barely speak to people im not close with bc of how exhausted and anxious i am #man. thearpy is like. going to really . idk. probably not help my mood. bc it has been hard for me to word what has been happening to me #and im always so scared of saying something that will get me hosptizaled again. Even when it shouldnt. bc im not going to do anything. #but i am scared and tired simply. and while so much has gotten better and ive gotten so much better there are some things that i just. #cant seem to figure out how to fix or ask for help. whatever. Guy who is stupid and helpless and will have to just get over it at some poin #sry i just feel like shit. i should probably just eat something i havent been eating much. and then i will probably feel a bit better #news with isaac

[beauceronn]

Me: be patient

Also me: *refreshing my email every 20 minutes*

#tomorrow ill be doing dog stuff all day so i wont have the chance god bless 🙏 #im also hopefully starting handling classes next week! #which is why i really need to start setting up a store to sell my art #on account of im literally on a 5 month timer before i get kicked out #on a lighter note also hopefully joining a local kennel club so thats cool! #im so stressed genuinely i feel miserable and anxious but alas so it goes. #minimum wage here is reasonable but not really when you consider how much i am paying for gas to drive to work/school/dog stuff #im just very lost. obviously cant work this job forever because it is so physically taxing and inconsistent but i dont have any other - #- options #like how do i begin going about peddling my art? how do i begin building a portfolio? #i HAVE a website but im not even sure what to post #what to write about #etc etc etc #i am a good writer too! i know im a good writer but i just dont know what to write ABOUT #what interests people? #what would people want me to do a deep dive on? #the blessing of being autistic means i love everything about purebred dogs and love doing deep dives on different topics #the curse of being autistic is i can leave no stone unturned and then it becomes overwhelming and i cant put everything into a cohesive - #- piece. #anyway. my situation is not unique but it is to me and the doom and gloom is setting in #apologies if you read this far.

[bare1ythere]

Having lots of thoughts about how sensitive I am to others' opinions on my hyperfixation

#shut up me #UGH. I really just cant stomach seeing people disliking the characters/stories that I love or are important to me #not in the sense that it annoys me or makes me mad or anything like that #It just makes me feel like shit! #and I think a big reason why is that im scared to be ''wrong'' #im worried that liking the things I like (even when harmless) makes me a horrible person #and that anyone who disagrees with me automatically hates me or thinks less of me #even when I don't? feel this way about people who disagree with me??? #Its why I dont talk about things or characters I dislike in dr (other than the obvious egregious shit) on my sideblog #I dont want anyone who Likes those things to see it feel the way I feel ALL THE TIME. #Like okay I know v3's ending and mastermind reveal was contentious ive known this FOREVER and I know and can understand why #but it just makes me feel! so bad! when people dislike it #theyre so so allowed to I just dont know what to dooo #to a certain extent I just want to drown myself in fun and positivity because im just so tired of constantly feeling guilty and anxious #but i think its doing more harm to me in the long run #because I cant handle any negativity even when its warranted #but again. im just so tired of feeling anxious and guilty all the time for no reason at all #idk how to handle this im just. augh #Polls on my dash that are all in good fun but are stressing me out because I cant handle this stuff like a normal person )b #maybe delete later

[toytulini]

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#toy txt post #i guess i just need to find a different job since this one seems to be. not great for me #but i also like. dont know what wont be bad for me. like sorry i just dont think there are jobs that are accessible to me that arent going #to feel Like This #at least in some way. and this one has good insurance and shit. and if i can get my shit together it has fucking. paid community service #time that i could theoretically use to like. volunteer at the aquarium or smth and have a day off for it and get paid by my job #which could be a foot in the door to a career that i am interested in but im just fucking. stuck and fatigued and in pain and wallowing and #have no fucking energy and i cant do anything and im fucking nocturnal and i joke about it and i was fine with it but i hate it i hate #not seeing the fucking sun and i miss my old job which is INSANE but i know what i miss about that job was #that it was part time. and i regret not doing more with that #but im also allergic to normal hours i guess i dont fucking know #i know part of it is prolly just feeling profoundly out if control of my life so i just stay up bc at least thats quiet time for me #w no expectations but thats not even tru bc i shoukd be at least doing my fucking laundry or smth cos it would make sense #and the fucking answer to so many of my issues rn is like just do that then or just stop doing that then but i cant i dont know why im just #like this ive always been like this stupid useless cant fucking do anything cant fix my shit just fucking wallowing and angry and doing #nothing and its just gotten worse cos now i have fucking chronic pain and fatigue and now i REALLY do FUCKALL #im depressdd and anxious and in pain i should get a therapist but thats hard and i dont fucking trust ppl #i should move out and maybe that would help bc i wouldnt feel like i have to wear a mask around my own house but im barely functioning #as is w a lot of support from my mom i cant fucking live on my own #not to mention the whole country being so fucking. Bad rn. ive done nothing all day not even resting #and tomorrow ill wake up too late and be in a rush and in pain and tired and just #i dont fucking know #im so miserable and lately so many topics can just send my stupid little brain just Spiralling but i dont want to say that i dont want ppl #to feel weird for talking about fucking college. i dont want to sit here being so bitter that something in my brain broke about school #im happy for ppl who can do their fucking college shit i just. smth wrong in my brain and i cant dwell on it and i try not to be too #outwardly negative about it cos i dont want ppl to feel like they cant talk to me about it or smth idk #rambling and venting and im gonna hit tag limit lmao for sure #been having the same goddamn problems nonstop for my whole life and its just that i cant fucking do anything #i have too much shit i should rid of #whatever

[headofhelios]

when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance

#my brother had good intentions telling me but also like. i have been tearing up all night and when i tried to explain my reservations to him #i just felt stupid so its. mm. this sucks #its also weird bc like. guuuhhgg i had a weird Thing a while ago that was apparently really bad i guess #so it feels like. idk. my mother trying to 'fix' that with this. so i feel like i cant say no to it #(especially bc she doesnt know i kinda know about it) #but its also like. well. when it happens i might really really freak out badly and that would ruin things for everyone. right. #kind of feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place here bc like i WANT to talk to my mother abt this but also again she doesnt know #that i know and i dont want her to be disappointed that my brother said something to me. even though i dont know what the surprise is #just that there is one planned #also in recent years ive realized i get i suppose anxious when people get me gifts i havent Asked for #so surprises like this arent really my thing anymore. i think when i was a kid i mostly wanted one bc in tv shows theres always a lot #of people there for it and i was a lonely child. #anyway i realize this is something of a stupid thing to complain about #in my defense i feel like a lot of things that should be 'about me' #(however self centered that sounds. it makes me wince to say trust me.) #are made to be more about other people namely my immediate family. #so like my gender isnt about me its about how my mother feels about it. and my birthday isnt about me its about other people celebrating it #again ik ik its a stupid complaint. just saying that because of that *points up* which ive been feeling for nearly 10 years now #its all a bit of a tender bruise. emotionally speaking. for me. #personal

[lewishamil10n]

considering making an f1 sideblog because i just. i've had a couple of experiences where people don't want to interact with me because of the sam/dean shipping and like. i get it, i do. it's exhausting because you can just blacklist the tag, but, well. i guess it's easier to just block. and i'm not blaming anyone for that, curate your own experience etc etc, and i've always been in favor of just blocking the content you don't want to see. it's just that it's kinda mentally exhausting for me and while i usually have a thick skin about this kinda stuff, i hate the idea of my mere presence making someone uncomfortable. also, all my spn mutuals have been SO sweet about the constant f1posting but i'm still constantly worried i'm being annoying, so maybe it's just better if i move everything to a sideblog? idk.

#i'll probably delete this later idk #im just a bit tired right now #i mean... it's just a ship. not a very conventional one i get it but. i dont even post it that much #and if i do it's always tagged n it's literally SO easy to blacklist #and i'm really enjoying myself so much on f1blr but im constantly anxious that any spn post will be the last straw and then #everyone will be like ew she ships the brothers begone wincestie or sth similar #maybe this website has just made me jaded i don't know i just. i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and i am not blaming anyone #it's just that i wanna enjoy myself without having to worry about these things #but also every time i've tried to have a sideblog i ended up abandoning it and like #i don't want to do that again #anyway #naila.txt #tag rant #sorry for the word vomit im just. not sure what to do

[helo-its-mo]

,

#dkakdaks i want to talk to someone so much rn #i dont even know about what #but i just feel so miserable right now #i hate this #sorry for this /gen #im really anxious and i dont want to keep it in me #no one will care about this post but atleast i said it #im really sorry again #tw vent #vent

[wannaremember]

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#i don't know how ill manage anything if what im anxious about happening does happen #and unfortunately i think it will #i hate everything so much #and i wish i was able to do anything else but everything needs experience that i dont have #and idk but i guess ill have to figure it out when it happens #the when part of it is killing me #also like why didnt they just put me out of my misery friday so i wouldn't be worrying all weekend and dreading monday #god... #i just want to [redacted] and idk what to do about anything #though tbf i never have #and despite the fact that i dont thinkg ive ever truly been happy or loved life much anyway #i genuinely feel like my time in [redacted] was still the best #missing it so much i want to go back 😭 #and i also miss [redacted] so much #why does distance exist from people who would be there for me #i dont really have many people but the ones i do arent even here #and yeah my family will be here soon but tbh that makes it worse because i dont want them to know about this #but they will #i wish i could cry more easily because i need a good cry right now #and a hug #😭

[astrxealis]

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself? #and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways #humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good #and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up #leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that #me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies #pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm #yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice #and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since #christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??) #OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure #which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata #and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing #ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that #im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk #and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my #personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol) #but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am #and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS #anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends #as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho #that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so #sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like #we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids #but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone #who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways #OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

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#sorry sorry this ones gonna be a vent so look away if you're not into that #alright we good? cool cool #cw: vent #a lot of my friends both internet and irl has made advancements in their own circle of friends like they're hanging out and bonding outside #-of school #i feel left out. but this is my fault and im very aware of it #its just... its hard for me to find people that i think id have a close connection with #it makes me think im gonna be really lonely at the end of the day #sometimes texting isnt enough. i want physical enjoyment and fun too #i just find myself stuggling to click off with others and maybe its because im unsure of who i can trust #idk my classmate always talks about hows their day and compared to mine; theirs always seems so much funner to do yeah dbfbbfbfbdbdbr #i dont know. a lot of my close friends. or even best friends if you will; arent physically close with me anymore because they either #actually no its not either. they just moved out #its hard to stay in contact with them too so i dont know what's life like for them anymore #that's why I really appreciate every connection ive made here because it feels very personal here. but i feel the more i keep being here— #without actual physical communication — ill just get worse #and i always think about my faves just to cope with it but i guess i just got slapped with reality check today and came to realize that now #theres this one day in school where a problem arised during an event and i was so anxious and scared — i started crying #my schoolmate who used to be my old classmate (we're in different sections as of present) immediately comforted me and #i really appreciated that. he gave me a hug and even lent me his handkerchief. something about that moment made me realise that this is #exactly wanted. just that feeling of warmth and comfort from a friend dhfhfbdbdb it sounds petty but i really like physical languages yeah #ive been trying to finf ways to say hi to him again but its hard since our school schedules are different #im not close with anyone in my class tbh so its hard for me to feel that physical closeness too #i firmly believe in action speaks louder than words. so yeah #thats all. yeah #ill go continue reading my notes