#Sorry anon I disagree with you. But u did prompt me to actually talk about this so thanks! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

majycka · 2 years

Note

For that fic fuel brainrot:

Akutami did a graph on the students knowledge of jujutsu sense, academic school sense and physical strength. And Mai was 9 for school sense! So she’s canonically a nerd. And Nobara got 6 too, so this sparks this modern au/hc:

Nobara failing her science tests/homework and having to find a tutor, but her friend/teacher arranged it for her and the tutor is actually her upper-classmate, Mai Zenin. I’m thinking Mai is teaching her a science formula or something of that sense, and there’s a near kiss experience maybe ?? But honestly it’d be funnier if they hated each other and the tutoring was arranged by Nobara’s science teacher 😭

but ofc u don’t gotta do this one, I just think it’s be cute <3 have a good day/night !

TUTORING_MASTER69

Tags: t-rated, no warnings, modern japan hs au, bratty nobamai whats new really, aaaaand stuff mentioned above,

Word count: 4077

a/n: tweaked the prompt a bit doesnt exactly follow the ask above. This is the graph anon mentioned

Nobara slammed her papers on the table, all two heads turning to face her. “I’m failing Science,” she said straight to the point.

Megumi and Yuuji went to stare at the blaring red marks on her paper, painfully overwriting its presence on the white sheet

“You can still make it for office hours,” shrugged Yuuji.

“Well, I did,” answered Nobara, placing her hands on his hips.

“And let me guess,” said Megumi, “you threatened him to pass you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Not exactly, I just almost caused a scene.”

Megumi shook his head as he went back in drinking his strawberry milk while looking out the window.

“C’mon, Fushiguro, I expected you to help me out here.”

“I can help-“

“Nevermind,” interrupted Nobara towards Yuuji. “I’ll ask Maki-san, she’s a second year, she knows what’s up.”

“I was about to say that,” pouted Yuuji but Nobara only knuckled his head, earning his little whines.

Nobara skipped out of their classroom and left the two boys to eating their lunches. She took a trip at the flight, stretching his leg out, jumping a step of the stairs. When she arrived at the second years’ classroom, Maki had stood near the windows, furrowing her brows while she listened to the phone on her ear.

Nobara waited for her to finish the phone call. Maki sounded annoyed from the tone of her voice and when she finished, her junior walked up to her.

“Nobara, what’s up?” Maki asked, sighing and pocketing her phone.

“You okay?”

“It’s just…my crazy family’s drama.”

“Oh.” Nobara wasn’t sure if she should pry open to her problem when at the same time, she knew she’s shit when talking about feelings. “Actually, I came here to ask if you can help me out on my Science test.”

“Sorry, I can’t right now, I’m busy with work afterschool and there’s the thing with my family.”

Dammit. Even how much Nobara wanted to spend time with Maki, she couldn’t disagree to it. She merely nodded and saifd it was fine. Now she’s a back to square one again as Maki said that Megumi could help.

She lightly slammed her head on her desk. Maybe she should just risk it all and afford not to be part of track team anymore because of her shit grades. “Fushiguro, say something,” she groaned, hoping he might actually find a reasonable solution. Megrim only continued to scratch his pen for some notes on his notebooks.

“Wait, I think I got something!”

Annnnnd it was Yuuji who had the bright idea.

“Have you heard about Tutoring_Master69?” said the pink haired boy.

Nobara raised her head off her desk. “What weird part of the Internet are you going through?”

“I’m serious, look,” Yuuji shoved his phone on Nobara’s face, “they’ve been hanging this poster around school lately”

“Will Accept any chips as payment in exchange in getting your work done,” Nobara read out the account’s instagram bio on his phone. It only has one post which is the poster Yuuji is talking about. “So you’re saying I should pay someone to do my work.”

“It said ‘Tutoring Master’ not ‘cheating master’”

“Office hours is still an option,” chimed in Megumi as he flip through his notebook.

“C’mon! Why don’t you just make this easier for me and teach me the stuff,” said Nobara.

“Well, I did tutor you already, and it was hell,” deadpanned Megumi.

Yuuji laughed, being a total idiot to how Nobara’s face scrunching up from his reaction.

Yet hours later, Nobara actually had her thumb hovering over the message button of the Tutoring_Master69 account. She admitted that she’s desperate at this point. Taking a deep breath, she quickly typed out a message and sent it without hesitation. It even made her spelling wack because of that.

Worst. Mistake. Ever.

The spell checker that’s supposed to make your life easier decided to be useless. It wrote ‘u need help’ instead of Nobara’s intended ‘I need help.’ How fun is that!

“Fuck!” exclaimed Nobara she was walking down the hallway and everyone’s heads turned to stare at her. She didn’t notice the stares and just went typing away on her phone.

Her message was immediately seen by the tutoring master.

“I mean I NEED HELP,” texted Nobara. Then again, seen.

The typing bubble comes out from the account. The tutor asked Nobara the usual homework pictures and instructions. They also added to bring the chips payment and homework at the library.

Fine, that wasn’t too bad actually. Easy Peasy, and who ever the heck is behind this seem like they would get the work done.

When Nobara finally went to library to meet this tutoring master, she sat on one the tables. Her thick Science books smacked on the study table, startling other students nearby. Her autumn eyes looked around the room as she made assumptions on who this tutor could be. Maybe it’s that guy with glasses reading a book in the corner? A girl munching away her food when it’s not allowed in the library? or maybe….

Nobara caught golden eyes briefly looking at her. Mai Zenin pulled a chair across from HER then sat on HER table. The green haired girl cleared her throat to try to catch Nobara’s attention.

“What are you doing?” Asked Nobara, her brows furrowed. “Last time I remembered we hated each other’s guts.”

Months ago, Rewind to the beginning of the school year where it all started. The country bumpkin Nobara moved to the big city expecting uncaged wings in high school. Then she found out that actually, they don’t allow dyed hair on campus.

“Hi, name’s Kugisaki Nobara.”

Mai remembered that day that dyed ginger headed girl went up the stage and took the mic from the poor emcee during their school assembly.

“I just wanna say it’s completely stupid that the school doesn’t allow dyed hair, and it’s needs to stop. That is all.”

She walked away from the stage, not failing to do the mic drop. It’s awful feedback noise pierced through the ears of all students as they squirm at their seats.

“That was a complete waste of time, you know,” A voice said as Nobara was walking back to her seat. She halted her steps to turn and figured that voice belonged to a short haired girl.

“This school assembly is already on hell on earth but you decided to make it even worse,” the girl added. “You could easily have talked to the principal.”

That was the final nail to her coffin. “And who are you supposed to be?” Nobara clenched her fist and ready to throw a punch

“Leave her alone, Mai,” another voice joined that came from the back row seats near Nobara. “At least, she’s tryna get a change here.” She had the same green shade of hair but a long cut and she wore glasses. They looked like sisters.

“Since when did you care about anyone else, Maki?” asked her possible sister..

Right after that was a series of stares in the hallway everytime Nobara walked her presence at the school. But the worst one of all was Mai Zenin’s case. Joining her school’s track team, she later on met Maki Zenin and figured that Mai was indeed her sister.

This girl skipped the cafeteria line when Nobara was there, patiently waiting for food. Mai would stink eye her in the hallways. At some point, they were really close in starting the fight at the girl’s bathroom.

“Still not over about what happened in the school assembly?” asked Mai.

“You started it,” replied Nobara.

“But I was right, if that dyed hair cult of yours didn’t straight up rain down the principal to “un-ban” that policy, then it could have meant nothing.”

That thing Nobara did at the assembly led to the creation of the dyed hair club. It was almost like watching a revolution as a bunch of dyed haired students offered a signed petition to the principal.

“Plus, think about it as an initiation for being such a brash 1st year,” added Mai.

Oh, right. She almost forgot Mai’s actually a 2nd year. “So, what exactly is your agenda here, Zenin? To annoy me like you always do?” asked Nobara.

“Unfortunately, the world doesn’t revolve around you since you actually ask for my help.”

Nobara paused for a moment, staring at the Science book then squinting her eyes at Mai. “You’re Tutoring_Mastering69?” she asked. That can’t be right. Mai being a tutor? She can’t even get along with Nobara. She tried to convince herself.

“Yep,” said Mai, grabbing the Science book from Nobara. “And you’re my first ever customer.”

She can’t believe it. “You must be kidding,” chuckled Nobara.

“I’m serious.” Mai looked at her straight to the eye and then winked at her. “So you better pay me good, Kugisaki.”

Their argument still kept on going on that their voices were raising its volume. Stares were looking up at them. When the librarian was close in kicking the girls out, Mai easily pulled up her own test paper. Nobara shut her mouth. Not a single mark of red was on Mai’s paper.

“So three laws of Newton, enumerate them for me,” Mai asked Nobara. Without getting kicked out of the library, they started their tutoring session.

“Uh, I don’t remember but I don't think that’s how tutoring works, aren't you supposed to teach me those?”

“It’s a way to gauge your understanding.”

“You could have just asked what I didn't know.”

“And most of the time people say, ‘everything’, so just answer the damn question.”

Sheesh, Nobara can’t believe she had to put up with this, and it’s all for the sake of not losing a spot in the track team. “No clue,” she answered.

Mai sighed and continued to write Newton’s rules with little drawings accompanying them. She explained clearly and also didn’t leave out Nobara as Mai asked her questions on the steps.

Their session ended without any complaints.

“Here’s your payment.” Nobara handed a bag of chips.

“Till next time,” Mai bid her goodbye as she walked away.

—

“You asked for Mai’s help?” asked Maki. She and Nobara are doing their warm up stretches at the track field.

“She was….not that bad actually,” answered Nobara.

“She’s a total nerd, but doesn’t totally act like one. I asked for her help a lot in middle school but since I had to move out..”Maki’s face changed as her words trailed off. The concerned Nobara immediately looked at her.

“Is that why you had to work?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter now really,” Maki shut her down, leaving Nobara clueless if she should still pry more about it. Being the nosy girls she is, she came to Fushiguro after practice, and he was hanging out on the roof reading his book.

“Fushiguro, you said you and Maki-san are cousins, right?” She asked, sitting crossed legged next to him. The wind caressed her lightly, and it’s no wonder why Megumi chose this spot.

“Well, yeah.”

“What’s going on with her family?”

There was a brief silence between the two of them. Megumi took in a breath.

“She hasn’t said anything to you yet?”

Nobara shook her head. Megumi debated if he should outright spill the beans or not.

“In a short story, Maki moved into Gojo’s ‘cause she wanted to escape her family situation.”

“Wait, with Gojo? as in Gojo, our physics teacher?”

“Yes, and as you know, he’s my guardian, too.”

“Damn. You’ve always been secretive one Fushiguro and now you’re being bared open.”

Megumi looked at her, blinking his eyes. “ I thought the whole school’s aware I’m affiliated to Gojo.” That blabbering oversharing teacher would spill some beans about his life sometimes in the middle of lecture.

“Eh, but anyways, what exactly is this family situation?”

Megumi flipped through a page of the book he’s reading before saying, “I’d think it’s better if you ask Maki for it.”

Then right after that the rooftop door’s burst open as Yuuji comes in with a sandwich stuck between his teeth like a stereotypical anime school girl in the morning.

Nobara was thinking hard about it though. The thing for Maki-san. Yes, she did admire her on how much she grinds her ass off in every aspect of life possible. Yet even if Nobara knew her in that light, she never actually knew anything about Maki’s family or the Maki behind that front she strongly holds.

“Sup?” Yuuji asked as he approached Nobara. Then he paused and suddenly said, “Oh yeah, how did that thing for the Tutoring Master go?”

Mai heard footsteps passing the hallway outside her bedroom. She grew suspicious. Her bedroom is the one at the end of the hall, and the only time footsteps would be there is if Mai herself enters her room or there’s a person who’s gonna enter the room across from Mai's. Mai quickly got up her bed, feeling dizzy, yanked open the door. Her eyes went wide when she saw her sister standing there, surprised as well, ready to twist the doorknob to her own room.

“Maki, what are you doing here?” said Mai.

Her sister only smirked and answered, “You know my ways, little sister.”

Mai arched a brow and turned her head to the hallway where the glass sliding door leading to the balcony can be found.

“You didn’t actually just climb the-“

“I’ll be out of here real quick.” Maki proceeded to enter her room and unzipped her backpack. She grabbed some items from her closet then stuffed them in her bag.

Mai leaned on the doorway and looked down at her feet. She tried hard to watch Maki packing her bags like how much it stings when she did it months ago.

“I actually thought of dumping all your stuff today since you actually don’t need most of them,” sassed Mai. She tried biting back her tongue on how she missed her sister but at the same time how she despised Maki for doing that.

“I know you wouldn’t do that,” answered Maki, leaving her sister with no explanation at all.

Mai stayed silent. If she could, she would shut the door behind her and ask Makii why she did it. Why did she leave Mai all alone in this house? She would start a fight, a fight that wouldn’t even break past Maki’s barriers.

Maki noticed the silence so she said: “Saw you're doing this tutoring thing for school.”

“Well,” Mai crossed her arms. “Got my first customer actually. Bet ya know her, Kugisaki, was it?”

“You and Nobara?” Maki, her eyes went wide, fluttering her lids. “No way. You can’t stand a second without wanting to kill each other.”

“Hmmm, you really have no little faith in me like that?”

“It’s just hard to believe,” said Maki as she started walking back with her bag to the hallway.

“What if we make it work out? get close to her?” suddenly asked Mai. An idea had been crafting in her head at this point.

“Good for you, I guess,” shrugged Maki.

“Would that change you having a little faith in me?”

“I never said tha-“

“Answer the damn question, Maki.”

“If I say yes, what happens then?”

“You stay back home here with me.”

Maki chuckled, but the air got stiffer than before.

“Crazy Mai, I can’t do that.”

“Then explain it to me, why you just left me like that.”

“I got no time for this, right now,” Maki said as she checked her wrist watch. “How ‘bout just do whatever you want and let's save this for another day?”

Before Mai could even say something, Maki already fled to the balcony.

—

“Okay, fine, I need more of your help,” said Nobara. She had barged in the second year’s classroom and slammed papers on Mai’s chair. “And it’s English this time,” added Nobara.

Mai winced, just by taking a peak of Nobara’s paper. “I actually got full sessions for the library today.”

“But this is urgent for me, I got a test tomorrow!”

“And you should have just told me earlier.”

To be honest, Nobara had been actually fighting off her pride to give Mai another chance. Her fingers hovered over that Instagram DM the night before. It was just that she couldn’t believe it herself Mai was actually that nerdy.

“I’ll pay you extra,” tried to convince Nobara.

“I can squeeze you in a session but..” Mai paused, “you have to come over to my house.”

Nobara widened her eyes. Goddammit, she felt another battle of her pride incoming for this one. “F-fine,” gulped Nobara. Oh jeez, desperation does wonders to people. She did one when she badly had to pee and straight up cut the women’s line at the bathroom. But that was nothing compared to this that she quite find…embarassing.

Since Nobara had to stay for after school anyway because of track practice. Maki was absent during that day, and according to Megumi, she had to stay at home since she apparently got sick. Pretty weird for Maki when she take care of her form very much.

The two had to take a short bus trip going to Mai’s house. The whole time, Mai’s eyes locked in to Nobara’s English paper,and just from observing her, Nobara knew Mai is probably formulating a syllabus on how their tutoring session.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me something?” said Nobara when they were five seconds sitting in the bus.

“Last time you did, you weren’t helpful at all,” replied Mai outright. “It would be a complete waste of time.”

“Oh right.” Nobara huffed in her seat. Mai had a point; they were in a time crunch here.

“You sound offended.”

“As if I’ll never get offended by you in general.”

Mai merely ignored what Nobara said as she looked up at the bus window and pressed a button to alert the bus to stop at the next drop off. “We’re almost there,” she said

And soon both girls were walking up to the front of the Zenin’s estate. It was a huge house, and very traditional japanese type with wooden carved name plates at the gate plus tatami mats covering the living room.

“No Zenins right now. They are at work actually,” said Mai, pointing out the empty house.

They got to the second floor and into Mai’s room.

Nobara looked around her room. There were band posters, a row of cactus plants by the window, and actually fashion magazines plus books. It caught Nobara’s attention, and she went all grabby to it.

“I never told you to touch my stuff,” said Mai.

“Never knew you’d be into this stuff.” Lies. Nobara had seen the jackets Mai would wear above her uniform and the school bags Mai brought that change at least every week.

Flipping to another page, Nobara noticed how the magazine featured actual photos of people that were taken at Tokyo to showcase their street fashion outfits.

“I’ve been to those kinds of events,” brought up Mai. “With my friends, Kasumi and Momo. It was a really fun day for me.” Mai smiled at that memory.

“For real?”

“Yup, but c’mon, let’s just get your English papers started.”

Nobara gritted her teeth. She wanted to know more, and she swore she’s gonna be insanely distracted just thinking about it during this session.

“Hey, you listening?” Mai snapped a finger. She even noticed it. “I said what’s the plural form of goose.”

“Uh, gooses?” Nobara attempted to save her ass. Aside from the magazine, Nobara had been trying to peek in the closet in the corner of Mai’s room. It was slightly open, leaving some of Mai’s clothes seen.

“Wrong.” Mai then proceeded to whack Nobara’s head with her rolled English papers.

“Jeez, was that even necessary!” Nobara caressed her head.

“You’re clearly distracted.”

“You didn’t have to be violent.” Nobara stood up from her chair, fists tightening.

“That’s like you weren’t violent in the first place anyway.” Mai stood up from her chair as well. She closed in her face towards Nobara.

“And you know I’d shut up that mouth of yours easily.” Nobara squinted her eyes, looking down and landing on Mai’s lips.

“Try me,” Mai taunted, licking her lips. She abruptly brought her face inches closer.

Nobara could feel their breaths synchronized to each other like a slight movement could end them up touching each other’s noses and..

Mai noticed how Nobara’s pupils became dilated. She smirked and then whispered, “So, what is it gonna be, Kugisaki?”

Her voice crooned that sent Nobara to get frozen in the ground like Mai casted some sort of spell on her.

’Move, you idiot!’ Nobara’s brain tried to say. But looking at those lips. So plump like it was really taken well care of. The smell of it sticking to Nobara’s nose. It was those kinds of things she wanted.

Mai shifted her hands closer on the table to where Nobara had been supporting her torso. Her eyes were still wide eyed bit when Mai started fluttering her eyes slowly, Nobara fell onto her as her own eyes slightly relieved, binking.

Just centimeters closer that deed could be done and Nobara’s first would be…

Mai’s bedroom door opened with a bang, and a disheveled Maki with her hair down stood at the doorway. Her mouth slightly agape. “I must be interrupting something here.” She pushed her glasses up.

“Maki-san! It’s not what you-“ Nobara jumped away from Mak that she hit her back on one of the cabinets so badly.

Mai snickered, totally amused by this situation.

“Oh,” another voice said at the door. “Never expected you’d be here.”

Nobara and Mai didn’t notice his sea urchin hair the first time around.

“Megumi?!” Both girls said at the same time.

He responded by just nodding.

“Sorry to ruin one of your shenanigans, Mai, but there’s something I need from the house.”

Mai walked to the door, like she didn’t try to purposefully lean into Nobara’s lips.

“Hey!” The girl called out. “We’re not done yet!” Nobara made the eye to eye motion with her hands. There was no freaking way she’d let Mai just walk out when she almost kinda harassed Nobara.

Mai quickly closed the door as she followed Maki to her room just across her sister’s.

“I never knew you’d take the word literally,” said Maki.

“Eh, which one?”

“You know, “getting close”?”

“You know my ways,” Mai said, a sly smile on her lips. “What is it you need?”

“Oh yeah, my meds for my migraine.”

Mai remembered it well that when they were younger, Maki had terrible migraines when her first period happened. As she got older, it was still hunting her.

“Never took it with me ‘cause I didn’t feel it for a while. Now, it looks like it’s coming back for my ass.”

“Yeah..” Mai’s voices trailed off. The cruel reality dropped weights on her when she realized after this, Maki was gonna leave again. Her sister caught on with Mai’s solemn expression.

“Hey, since you took your word, what if I’ll treat you tonight? At McDonalds? Instead of staying here at home, which I can’t do.”

For a second, Mai was face lit up, but was quick to be back in her bitchy face. “You’re not kidding?” She asked.

—

The sisters didn’t mind having Nobara and Megumi tag along with them to the nearest McDonalds.

Their group sat at separate tables in pairs. Nobara with Megumi and then the sisters together.

“You know, you look like a crazy person right now, chomping your burger like that,” commented Megumi as he watched Nobara stuff her cheeks and munch her burger with a deep frown.

She was staring at the sister’s table right across from them. And they were busy arguing about dipping fries on the vanilla sundae.

“So you don’t have a smidge of idea at all about them,” added Megumi, and it tore Nobara’s lifelong stare to the sisters.

“What I’ve seen is are annoyed with each other, especially Mai to Maki to the point where she ridiculously bullies her.”

“That’s the surface level of it.”

“Tell me then, Fushiguro.”

“Like I said before, ask Maki.”

And right, she still hadn’t done that.

“But it looks like they’re getting along,” said Megumi, watching the sister’s steal each other’s fries. “I think that what matters for now.”

a/n: Send me any nobamai fic prompts (imma try mah best to answer them)

my other nobamai fics ao3 link

#nobamai #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #mai zenin #nobara kugisaki #kugisaki nobara #maki zenin #fic #happy pride 🌈#!!#ao3

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wedontdeservethestars · 3 years

Note

hello :D i was hoping maybe u can write a little fluff fic for rafe adler/reader ? maybe one where he survived the shipwreck and they we’re getting him ready to be interviewed about his find and he was so happy and reader was so proud but i’ll take anything i miss this boy

Hi! So sorry for the late answer anon, I finished a show at my university and it KILLED me lol, I was so exhausted for so long. I didn't mean to leave you hanging for so long! Anyways, I didn't realize how much I loved Rafe until I started writing with him? And I like the AU where he survives the shipwreck collapse, mostly because I do feel a LITTLE bad that his (basically) life-long dream ended in death, so....let's just fix that by letting his partner fawn over him before his Big Interview about the whole thing!! For real though, I loved this prompt a bunch! Hope you enjoy it!

“Are you nervous?”

Rafe cracked a smile at you. He’d been doing that a lot more since returning home from Madagascar--smiling. On one hand, he had gotten pretty badly injured during the collapse of the shipwreck, and he had failed to rid himself of the two most annoying thorns in his side he’d ever experienced, but they were honestly irrelevant now. They were done adventuring, Nate said, done with the treasure and the fame and glory and everything that came with it. Which meant that all the credit went to one Rafe Adler. He was about to be interviewed about his find on live television. This was a dream come true for him.

“Never. I’ve been giving speeches to hundreds of people since I was twelve.”

“For your parents,” you pointed out, fixing his bowtie. Not that it needed fixing. You just liked to micromanage; an excuse to get close to him.

“Right. This one is all me, isn’t it?” he asked, his voice suddenly soft. You decidedly held your tongue as the aforementioned thorns crossed your mind. Just let him have this.

“Yeah. And now everyone out there is gonna know.”

He couldn’t stop his grin from widening. “I know. It’s about time. I’ve been teasing it for twenty-some years.”

“Yeah, I’d say they’re ready to hear about it by now,” you joked.

“What, you don’t think they can wait another couple decades?”

“Not unless you want a riot.”

“Promise?” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes. “Riots do tend to follow you around, don’t they?”

“Riots don’t follow me. They follow the people I work with,” he argued, checking the cuffs of his suit.

“So...subsequently, you.”

“Sure, sweetheart.”

You finally pulled back, admiring his looks. It was to keep your eyes off of him when he was dressed up (which very frequently, actually). He usually dressed nice. Even his “casual” clothes were somehow designer. You didn’t even want to know what the total cost of his wardrobe alone was. Nevertheless, he looked exquisite tonight, just like he always did.

“What, see something you like?” he teased lightly. Usually your instinct would be to make some sort of snarky comment back. That was one of the things Rafe said he liked best about you. Typically people were wary of talking back to him, seeing as he had a lot of power and carried himself to reflect that, but you never cared. He admired that you could keep up with him so easily. Or maybe he just liked when people let down their guard around him for once.

But instead of a witty remark, you just nodded and leaned forward, pressing your lips against his. They were so plush and soft. He always gave the best kisses. God, you had missed those when he was away.

“I’m really proud of you,” you mumbled against his mouth. “I feel like I don’t say that enough.”

“You haven’t had reason to before this,” he murmured back.

“What?” You frowned and looked at him, trying to detect a hint of sarcasm. He seemed genuine. Did he really think he was that worthless? “Rafe, what are you talking about?”

Rafe seemed surprised that you disagreed, and was quick to brush it off. “Nothing. Sorry.”

“No,” you reeled him back in, “what do you mean? I’ve always been proud of you.”

“For what?” He laughed bitterly. “Everything I’ve ever done before this was for my parents, or my brothers, or...or anyone but me. It’s always been about them. About the Adlers. Not Rafe Adler. Everything before this was a waste, it didn’t count towards anything but fueling my family’s egos.”

“But it was still you. You accomplished it. I still think that’s worth something.”

“You’d be the first.” Rafe turned away from you. You knew he was just being dramatic. It tended to happen when he was having an internal conflict (or a conflict of any kind, come to think of it). In a little while he’d calm down and pretend it never happened, but you weren’t gonna stand for it this time.

“Rafe…” You touched his shoulder and stood beside him, gazing at your reflections in the mirror before you. A familiar feeling passed you, one that you’d felt before. The feeling that you two belonged with one another. You were complete on your own, yes, but seeing you side by side, arm in arm...it was just right.

“What?” he sighed, meeting your eyes.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“I mean that,” you pressed, “and I’m always proud of you. I would be proud if you came back empty-handed. I’d be proud if you never went on this hunt at all. I’m proud of you for being you, okay? You’re Rafe-fucking-Adler, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

Rafe grimaced. “That was so...cliche.”

“Well, it’s true.” You shook your head. “Y’know what? Forget it. You have to go on soon.”

“Yeah?” Rafe checked his watch. “Mm...two minutes.”

“Right.”

He turned to you and gave a little smirk. “You don’t look half-bad yourself, you know.”

“Yeah…” You tugged at your clothing. You didn’t dress up nearly as often as Rafe did, but you still managed to clean up nice. At least, you thought so, and if he did too, then you must have been doing something right.

“We should go out to events like this more often.”

“What, so you can get even more air-time?”

“Very funny.” He left a kiss just below your ear, and then another. You let yourself melt against him a little, allowing him to drag his warm lips along your jaw. “I couldn’t care less about the air-time, as long as I get out there one way or another.”

“Oh, right. Because that’s so much more humble,” you giggled.

“Extremely.” He straightened his spine and took a breath. “Alright. I guess I should head out to the wings, huh?”

“Probably. Don’t wanna be late for your own entrance, Mr. Treasure-Hunter.”

“No, that would be so unbecoming of me.” He took the cane that was leaning against the wall. It was decorated like it was just for show and matched his getup pretty well, but you knew that he really did need some extra support walking after nearly being crushed to death several months ago. You took him by the arm in case he needed a little more help, as he still wasn’t quite used to it, and walked him out of the waiting room and down the hall.

“Hey,” he mumbled as you went. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, of course,” you shrugged. “It’s nothing.”

“No, I mean--” He locked eyes with you. “About what you said earlier.”

“Oh.” You smiled. So you had gotten through. “Of course, Rafe.”

“Yeah…” You thought you saw a hint of a blush creeping up his neck. He was never the best at conveying his emotions, but the fact that he had thanked you at all spoke volumes.

“You sure you’re not nervous?” you whispered as you helped him to the wings. He shot you a look.

“Well...now I am. Only because you keep saying that.”

“Right, right.”

“And maybe I just want to spend the night with you,” he said so quietly that you almost missed it. “I mean, I do want to get this story out. God, I do, I’ve been waiting to do it for years. But…”

“That’s the problem, isn’t it?” you guessed. “You don’t want to go out there because once it’s over…”

It’s over for good.

“No.” An obvious lie.

“Okay.” You eased yourself off of him, but not before giving him one last kiss. “Try not to worry about it, alright? Once you finish we can go home and rest. Nothing else tonight. I promise.”

“That sounds nice.” He let out a sigh and gave you a little smile.

“You’re on, Mr. Adler,” a stagehand whispered. One last grin, which quickly widened as he turned to face the audience. You laughed a little to yourself. It was hard to believe that anyone had such big stage presence, but somehow Rafe made it work. Probably because he had something no one else ever could: he was Rafe-fucking-Adler.

#wedontdeservethefics #rafe adler #rafe #rafe adler x reader #uncharted #uncharted 4 #uncharted game #x reader #x reader fic #x reader drabble #x gn!reader

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

Text

Tactical Retreat

Prompts: averykedavra: could i request,,,logince? maybe an imagination fic? roman retreating to the imagination and logan finding and comforting him? no pressure, but thank u regardless, and your stories are incredible!

Anon: So I’m I adore your writing and like I’ve read your stuff on ao3 and I just wanted to ask if you ever thought of that conversation between Roman and Remus and stuff that they mentioned in that story about Logan relapsing...? I just, I love the way you write your characters and dive into their head and manners so well- it’s incredible. (I’m shy to say but I also write a bit and I saw you’d left a comment on my story and I kind of died cause you’re incredible and I’m majorly inspired by you-)

Thanks for the prompts, babes! they fit so well that I did them together, I hope that's okay ^_^also: GUYS PLEASE VIEW THIS AS A

C H E C K P O I N T

if you've been scrolling for a while (and you probably have) pause here! drink water! get food! walk around the room for a little bit! stretch! do something please! you are very important to me and I care about you very deeply!

Read on Ao3

Warnings: explicit discussion of self-harm. I’m not kidding. I fucked myself up writing this a little please take care of yourselves. sympathetic remus

Pairings: logince, creativitwins, implied LAMP, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 5131

Retreat: an act or process of withdrawing especially from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable.

Retreat: a place of privacy or safety: REFUGE.

* * *

“We are so not done with this conversation,” Remus had said.

That would certainly explain why Remus barges into Roman’s room at absolutely-unreasonable-do-you-have-any-idea-what-time-it-is o’clock.

Roman just looks at them all and raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, please. It’s not all long sleeves and pants all summer for no reason.”

“R-Roman, you—you—?”

“Yeah, Specs,” Roman murmurs when Logan can’t find his words, “me too.”

“Oh, we are not done with this conversation.”

…

“Will you let us help you clean them?”

Unbidden, Logan’s face flares bright red.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, sweetie…”

Roman gently nudges Remus’s arm. “Let me. You two go check on Patton and Virgil.”

“What?”

“Roman—“

“Come on,” Roman coaxes, “it’s not like I don’t have the practice.”

“We are so not done with this conversation.”

That would certainly explain why Remus barges into Roman’s room at absolutely-unreasonable-do-you-have-any-idea-what-time-it-is o’clock.

“Remus,” Roman sighs, sitting up and covering his eyes, “I know it might not seem like it, but I do need my beauty sleep too.”

He frowns when Remus doesn’t say anything.

“I can look at whatever you’ve made tomorrow,” he promises, “I just—I don’t really want to—not that I don’t want to!—but can I…sleep, first, please?”

Remus still doesn’t say anything. Roman peeks out from behind his hand to see Remus…is still humanoid. The door isn’t…off its hinges, it’s just been slammed open. His morningstar isn’t in his hands. His brother is just staring at him.

Shit.

“Re?” Roman sits up slowly, his eyes adjusting to the light. “Re, are you—can you come here please?”

Remus walks into the room. Roman pulls back the covers, making room for his brother, already running through the checklist in his head. No blood, no guts, first aid kit is in the corner, he can get the shower running if need be…

It’s only when Remus actually stops next to his bed that he realizes what’s going on.

Remus is wearing his soft things. Remus has opened Roman’s door. And now he’s getting into the bed and just staring at him.

“…Re?”

“Ro,” Remus whispers, and oh no, “Ro, you…you didn’t have anybody?”

Roman’s heart clenches in his chest and an emptiness oozes into his throat. He should’ve known that Remus was serious when he said they weren’t done with that conversation.

“…Re, I—“

“Don’t bullshit me, Roman,” Remus hisses, the desperation bleeding into Roman’s lungs, “I know you, Ro-bro, and you—you—I’m gonna kick their asses.”

Roman sighs, his head falling back to the pillow. Now that the worry over his brother has dissipated, he really just wants to go back to sleep.

“You don’t have to do that, Re,” he mumbles.

“The hell I do!” Roman winces and he hushes. “You—Ro, you know what my job is. You know I—“

“Yeah, Re, I do know what your job is.” He stifles a yawn. “I…sorry, I just…I’m really tired right now.”

A sharp poke to his belly makes him squeak.

“Remus!”

“I told you, Ro, you can’t bullshit me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Something, anything, Ro, you—“ Remus chokes— “Ro, you’re my brother. You’re fucking important to me.”

“I know, Re, I…well, I would say I’m sorry, but you told me not to bullshit.”

“So you’re not sorry.”

“Sorry for worrying you, yeah. But not for…” Roman sighs. “I would just be apologizing for how it makes you guys react and not because I’m sorry for what I’ve actually been doing.”

Remus is quiet for a moment. The bed dips under his weight as he slides under the blankets. Then he shifts a little closer until his hair brushes Roman’s nose.

“…when you said you knew what my job is,” he mutters after a moment, “you didn’t just mean the intrusive thoughts, did you?”

Roman shakes his head. “Thomas…I’m the…safe Creativity. I’m the fluffy, dreamy, Disney side.”

Remus moves to look up at him, encouraging him to continue.

“So I…I tend to romanticize things. I get the pretty, artsy, palatable version of things.” The emptiness bubbles up lazily into his throat. “Of everything. You…you get the real version of them.”

Even in the dim light, he can see Remus visibly pale.

“You get all the messy consequences, the realities of…a lot of the things that I wouldn’t.” Roman swallows. “So…”

“Oh, Ro…”

“Do we have to have this conversation now?”

Remus props himself up on his elbow, the blanket sliding a little off his shoulders. “Do you wanna have it in broad daylight, then? Plan it all out, sit down with a drink and a notebook? Have one of your lists to work down?”

“…can you at least close the door, please?”

A weight leaves Roman’s chest as the door closes and the light vanishes, leaving them in near darkness. His eyes close.

Damn it.

The mattress sinks as Remus gets back into the bed. He’s too far away for Roman to feel him. But he can feel his gaze on him.

“What do you want from me?”

“The truth?”

Roman huffs. “Is that all?”

“I dunno, Ro-bro, you’ve gotten pretty good at misleading everyone else.”

“I’m an actor.”

“Yeah, which means you’re really not good at turning it off.”

A mirthless laugh bursts out of one of the bubbles in his throat.

“Haven’t exactly had much of an incentive to do that.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Come on, you think any of them have actually wanted the real me for…ever?”

Remus scrambles up. “Roman, that’s—fuck, you’re one of the core Sides. You’re—you’re so fucking important, Ro, they—they love you.”

Something darker than darkness shears through the emptiness.

“No,” Roman growls, turning his head into the pillow, “no, they don’t.”

Did they ever? Or was that just an easy way to string along their favorite little puppet?

Before the anger can fully take hold of his throat, the emptiness oozes back into place and his jaw slackens, prompting another sigh as Remus freezes above him.

“What’re you talking about, Ro,” comes his voice from somewhere, “they—you—aren’t you…?”

“They say it,” Roman manages, “but I don’t think they mean it. Or if they do, it’s not—it’s not like that.”

“Well, then what the fuck is it?”

“They don’t want to listen to me, not really, they just…well, they need someone else to be there.”

“It’s funny because I’m pretty sure we just had this conversation with Lolo.”

“That’s different.”

“Is it?” Remus pokes Roman’s shoulder until he rolls onto his back. He glares. “I don’t care what anyone else says, Ro, you’re fucking important. You’re not replaceable. And you’re sure as hell not unlovable.”

Roman flinches.

Remus tilts his head, eyes widening.

“You don’t believe me.”

Roman shakes his head.

Remus lets out a shaky breath and lies back down, still staring at Roman. “Ro-Bro, what did they do to you?”

“What, you want the list alphabetically or in chronological order?”

“Roman, please.”

Roman’s eyes snap open in shock. Remus stares back at him, pleading. His brother is begging, he realizes in a panic. He wasn’t sure Remus knew how to do that.

“I’m—“

“If you dare say you’re sorry, I’m gonna rip your testicles out through your mouth.”

Roman swallows. “They just…they won’t listen to me,” he repeats lamely, “they don’t want me.”

“What do you mean, they don’t want you?”

Conveniently, Roman’s brain is now entirely empty. He knows stuff has happened to him…doesn’t he? Things…stuff’s been bad now. For a while. He’s been…doing whatever this is for a while.

So why can’t he remember?

“Every time I come up with an idea, it’s—they always want to change it.” But that’s just part of the editing process. He needs the others to help him edit.

“They think I’m too loud.” He is, though.

“I’m—they think I’m—“

Arrogant? Overbearing? Stuck in a fantasy world?

All of the above?

“Nothing,” he whispers finally, “they didn’t do anything to me.”

He buries his face in his hands.

“They didn’t do anything to me. I’m just—I’m just being overdramatic. It’s fine.”

“It’s clearly not fine.”

“Isn’t it?” He flaps a hand at Remus. “You’re the one that gets the real version of all this. I get the romanticized version. No consequences. Just pretty words and sentiments that don’t make sense.”

“You think Thomas is okay with a self-harming Ego?”

“Well, maybe Thomas deserves a better Ego!”

The room freezes.

Roman squeezes his eyes shut. “Thomas deserves an Ego that knows what he’s doing. That believes in himself. That can do all the things it’s supposed to do.”

He lets his hands fall limply away from his face.

“But all he’s got is me.”

I’m not enough.

“I can’t—I can’t do my job without being able to…” He sighs. “I’m the opposite of Logan.”

“…how so?”

“Logan does it to make things go away so he can work. I do it make things come so I can work.”

He feels Remus tense on the bed.

“Romanticized, remember? That’s my job. Fantasy, dreams, romance, not real. I…” He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter.”

A wave of exhaustion threatens to snatch his words from his mouth. God, talking about this is so draining. Can he be done now?

“How,” Remus says after a moment, “can you possibly say it doesn’t matter?”

“Can’t I just go to sleep now, Remus?”

“No,” comes the snarl, “you can’t fucking go to sleep, because you’ve just told me it doesn’t fucking matter if you self-harm and that you think you aren’t good enough without it.”

Roman shrinks into himself. “Don’t yell at me.”

“Give me one good reason why not!”

“Because you’re making me want to do it again.”

Remus’s breath leaves him in a rush.

“Oh, Roman…”

Roman just curls up tighter.

“I’m doing this all wrong,” he hears Remus mutter faintly before something ruffles his hair and the bed dips further, “Ro-Bro, hey, look at me.”

“Are you going to yell at me again?”

“No, Roman, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things worse. I’m just really upset for you right now. I promise I won’t yell.”

Roman looks up. Remus smiles back at him, still not touching him. If he wanted to, he could reach out and tug Remus closer, but…that’s hard.

“Hey,” Remus says quietly, “you here with me?”

Roman nods.

“I’m sorry, really,” he continues, “we can…if you really want to stop, we can stop.”

“…no.” Roman shakes himself a little. “You’re right. I’d rather…I think I’d rather do it now, like this. So I don’t have to do it later.”

“Okay.” Remus shifts a little. “Can I ask you some questions or do you just want to talk and I’ll listen?”

“I don’t know if I can just talk.”

“That’s okay, Ro. How about this: I’m gonna ask you stuff and when you wanna say something, you just say it.”

“Okay.”

“How long has this been happening?”

Roman shuffles. “Long enough. Um…at least a few years.”

“Do you have the medical supplies you need to take care of it afterward so they don’t get infected?”

“Yeah.”

“If you run out, can you easily get more?”

“Yeah.”

Remus lets out a long, slow, breath. “Okay. Okay, that’s…that’s good.”

“Is that it?”

“Do you want it to be?”

Roman falters, looking at Remus’s face. The room is still dark. It’s still the middle of the night. The world is paused, breathing softly. He…he has time.

“…no.”

“Okay.” Remus shifts to lay on his side. “Can I ask you more stuff?”

“Sure.”

“It’s not just cutting, is it?”

Roman’s face burns. “No.”

“Will you tell me what else it is?”

“I don’t let myself eat. I read things I know are gonna be bad for me. I put myself in situations that I know are gonna be bad for me.”

“Can you give me an example of one?”

“…I submit an idea I know they’ll hate.”

Remus lets out another breath. Something tingles on the tip of Roman’s tongue, pressing up against his lips.

“…why didn’t you come to any of us?”

He swallows it down. “I didn’t think you’d listen.”

“I will,” Remus promises, “I always will.”

“How can you promise that?”

“Because you’re my brother,” he answers like it’s the easiest thing in the world, “and you’re important to me.”

Oh.

“So if you wanna talk,” he continues like he hasn’t just shattered Roman’s worldview, “I’m here to listen.”

The tingle is back. He stares at Remus, stuck. He can talk. He should talk. They just had a conversation with Logan about that. He should know this. This shouldn’t be happening to him.

He squeezes his eyes shut.

“You have to promise me something.”

“What?”

“Don’t touch me until I’m done.”

He can tell he’s startled Remus by the way the covers jerk back.

“…I promise.”

Here goes nothing.

“It’s not that I want this,” he starts, the words aching on his tongue, “that I want to feel bad, or upset, or—or…hurt. I just…sometimes it’s easier to work that way.”

He scuffs a hand over his nose.

“If I’m upset, I can…I know what kind of thing would make me feel better. Or I know how I am feeling and I can make an idea feel it instead. I know—I need—we—I—“

He sighs.

“I hate this.”

“You’re doing great.”

Doubt that. “They don’t want me. They tell me I’m too loud, I don’t make enough sense, I’m too rash, I’m too selfish.” He swallows. “That I spend too much time dreaming.”

His face twitches.

“They think they know what I dream about.”

“…and what do you dream about?”

Roman sinks his head into the pillow, the soft material cool against his cheek. The bed is warm, the room slightly chilled, the air a comforting weight. The emptiness froths in his chest.

“It’s not important.”

“Bullshit,” and only Remus could make that sound affectionate, “they’re your dreams, Ro.”

“Not Thomas’s.”

“So?” Remus reaches out to poke him but freezes halfway. The sight of his hand retreating makes Roman ache. “We just figured out that we’re allowed to not just depend on that, right?”

“Not at the expense of Thomas.” Roman huddles tighter. “And they wouldn’t care about it anyway.”

“Why do you think they don’t care about you?”

“Isn’t that what I just said,” he growls, scrubbing his hands over his face, “that they don’t want to listen to me? That they only ask for my opinion when they think I’ll be easily manipulated enough to agree with them? That when I’m not they reject me and everything I try to do for them?”

He takes a deep breath and draws his hands away. The sight of Remus, just out of reach, just there, hurts. It hurts. The urge to bury his nose in the crook of his brother’s neck hurts.

“No,” comes Remus’s voice quietly.

Roman blinks. His hands freeze, halfway to Remus.

Right. He asked for this.

He wraps his arms tightly around himself and squeezes.

“I can’t play the role all the time,” he murmurs, “so I have to…remind myself.”

“And that’s why you…?”

“Yeah.”

Remus is quiet for a moment. The room hurts. Roman is cold.

“Ro,” his brother says after a minute, “is you asking me to reject you if you look for physical comfort self-harm too?”

“…perhaps.”

“‘Cause you know self-denial is self-harm too.”

“Perhaps.”

He looks up to see Remus’s eyes…glistening?

“I hope you know I’m gonna hug you really hard now.”

“…please?”

Remus all but throws himself at Roman, rucking up the covers something awful as he bowls them over onto the pillows, his arms around his brother. Remus is big and warm and solid and soft and perfect, squeezing Roman so tightly he worries for a minute that he won’t be able to breathe. He buries his nose in Remus’s neck and oh, it’s everything he ever wanted. This is—

This is dangerous.

This is warm and solid and fire burning in his stomach. This is being able to eat and eat and eat until his tongue turns black and falls out of his skull. This is standing in front of a hurricane and the winds whipping around his immovable body.

This is opening that pit in his chest and giving himself to the need to devour.

Remus must feel the way he tenses in his arms and nuzzles into his hair.

“Ro-Bro?”

“Re?”

“Hey, what’s going on? You went weird there for a second.”

“This…this is okay, right?”

Remus squeezes him again. “Yes, Roman, this is okay. You’re allowed to hug me, I’m allowed to hug you.”

“It’s okay that I…want this?”

Remus stills and Roman panics.

He’s messed it up. He’s told Remus that he wants something. He’s told Remus that he wants something. He’s told Remus that he wants something. Remus is going to think he never wants to hug him. Remus is going to tell the others he’s being selfish. He’s let them know he still wants. He’s ruined everything.

Then Remus tightens his grip so much Roman gasps.

“Yes, Roman. This is perfectly fucking okay. You’re allowed to want, Ro. You’re supposed to want.”

“But I—Re—“

“Sorry.”

Roman pants as Remus loosens his grip. Just a little.

“But I—that’s never a good thing. Anytime I want something, we—they—I—I’m supposed to give it up.”

“One of these days,” Remus grumbles, mostly to himself, “we’re gonna sit down with Patton and have a conversation.”

“…like, this kind of conversation?”

Remus grumbles something inaudible.

“But every time I want something it goes wrong.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want, Roman.” Remus tucks his face back into Roman’s neck. “You’re allowed to make yourself satisfied.”

Roman shakes his head. He’s learned this time. He got it right this time. There’s no sainthood in satisfaction. Selfless is safe. He’s figured out how to hide his appetite and put them into his work and not ask for more. He knows not to take up too much space. And when he doesn’t, well…

He knows how to remind himself.

When he says that to Remus, Remus pulls back to look at him.

“You don’t think you deserve to make yourself happy?”

He tries to busy himself with fiddling with Remus’s shirt. “I’m what Thomas wants. Or I’m supposed to be. Who cares about me?”

“I do.”

Roman huffs sadly. “I don’t—yes, thank you, Remus, I—I care a lot about you too.”

“You can say you love me.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Now, what were you going to say?”

Roman sighs, his eyes falling closed. “I want to be happy. I can’t be happy until Thomas is happy. And Thomas isn’t happy with what I want.”

“Oh, Ro…”

“I’m just—why can’t it be okay for me to just be happy?”

“It is, Ro, you can be happy.” Remus gives him another squeeze. “It’s…you can be you, Roman. That’s okay.”

“But it isn’t. It never is. And I can’t—I can’t be happy. Not yet. I have work to do.”

Remus shifts until his chin is tucked over Roman’s shoulder.

“…thought you were the hero, Ro-Bro?”

As the words plunge deep into Roman’s chest, he smiles.

“Name me one hero who was happy.”

When Roman really doesn’t want to be found, he goes deep into the Imagination.

Remus knows, now. Remus came and found him. Remus talked to him. Remus listens. Remus knows.

He was fine with telling Logan. Logan is different. They want Logan. Logan is wonderful and amazing and deserves the world. Or the stars. Or both!

…Janus also knows now.

He’s not sure how he feels about that.

But they’re going to want to talk to him. They’re going to want to know things. And Roman.

Roman can’t. Not today. It’s too much. It hurts too much.

“‘Cause you know self-denial is self-harm too.”

“Go away,” Roman mutters to the ghost of Remus’s voice as he pushes through the tangled brush.

This is different. This is avoiding an overload. This is when he’s already packaged up his appetites so they’re acceptable. This is when he’s already been stripped of what he wants and he has to leave before he gets stripped of who he is.

And it’s so, so stupid.

The others haven’t even done anything today.

Have they ever?

It’s just…sometimes it’s hard, okay? Roman knows he has to do it—no, he doesn’t—yes, he does—but sometimes he just wants everything to stop for two fucking seconds.

There’s a dark patch of woods on Roman’s side of the Imagination. When he brings the others in, they spot it and think that it’s the gateway to Remus’s side.

That’s actually at the bottom of the lake. The gravity flips as you enter this brine pool with a dense methane atmosphere over it. It’s pretty cool, actually.

But not this forest. This forest is Roman.

It’s the last part of Roman that lets himself want.

Deep between the trees, if you can find your way through, there’s a clearing. It’s very small, just large enough for a massive tree with white petals, almost brushing the ground. The petals sway gently in the little bit of breeze that manages to get through the thick walls of the other forest. Underneath is a little bench swing, just large enough for Roman to sit or lie down if he wants to. It smells gently of the blossoms. It’s quiet.

It’s his.

As he slogs through the last part of the foliage, he almost drops to his knees in relief. He made it. He can stop now.

The swing creaks welcomingly as he sits down, the tree reaching to ruffle his hair. He closes his eyes and lets his head tip back. It’s safe here. There’s nothing that can hurt him. It’s his place, his haven. He doesn’t have to pretend here. His eyes flutter open as he watches the petals fall from the branches. They twist and turn until they land on his red sash.

He picks it up. It’s so small. And soft. It’s pretty. It looks so white against the red of his sash. Why isn’t the rest of his shirt that white?

And the sash is so…so…red…

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the sunlight gleam off of the blade of his sword.

A wounded noise escapes Roman’s throat and echoes around and around the still glade. His hands clutch at his sash as he tumbles gracelessly from the swing.

How could he be so selfish?

Logan is hurting. Logan is struggling right now. The others should be focused on Logan. Not him.

Is this what he thinks he needs to stoop to now? To—to—to get attention now? He hasn’t learned his lesson about asking for attention? Hasn’t he learned that asking for anything hurts?

Is that why he wants to do it so badly?

Because it doesn’t matter that Roman self-harms. It doesn’t matter that telling Logan that he cared, that telling the others that he could help felt like selfishly turning Logan’s problem into something about him. It doesn’t matter that Roman’s wildest dream is to have someone care for him the way he desperately wants to be able to care for them.

Roman wants.

Roman’s not supposed to want something Thomas doesn’t want.

So Roman will be selfish here, in this glade, all by himself, where no one can see it, so that he doesn’t hurt anyone else.

Then he hears something.

“Roman? Roman, where are you?”

No.

“Roman! Roman, answer me!”

“No,” he whimpers, scrambling back against the tree.

Logan can’t be here right now. Logan—Logan has enough of his own to worry about, he can’t make Logan worry about him too.

“Roman?” Logan’s voice takes on a note of panic. “Roman!”

He should tell Logan it’s nothing to worry about. He should come out of the woods and smile, say he’s fine. He should ask Logan if he’s okay.

He doesn’t want Logan to see this place.

He doesn’t want Logan to see him like this.

He doesn’t want Logan to ask him if he’s okay.

Because he isn’t, and he’ll want to tell Logan that.

He staggers to his feet and starts to try and make it out of the glade before Logan gets too close. But the flowers are too soft, too warm, too safe. He can’t make himself get up, can’t make himself stop relentlessly taking comfort. He can’t stop wanting.

“Roman?” The leaves crinkle together. “Roman, are you back here?”

No, he should say, don’t come in here, it’s dangerous, I’ll come to you!

Yes, he wants to scream, yes, come find me, come help me, I want you.

The glade holds its breath as Logan bursts through the trees.

“Roman!”

Before he can blink, Logan’s crouching in front of him. He adjusts his glasses and reaches out for Roman’s shoulders, smoothing over the gold trim and examining his face anxiously.

“You’ve got scratches all across you,” he says worriedly, “did you have a hard time getting through? Are you alright? Were you with Remus?”

“No,” Roman mumbles, cheeks burning, “not…not Remus’s fault. Mine.”

“Roman,” he tuts, “you getting injured during a fight isn’t the fault you make it out to be.”

“…not a fight.”

Logan frowns. He glances over his shoulder. “The branches? I managed to get through with barely any scratches, perhaps if we go back through together, we can—“

“Wasn’t the branches, Logan,” Roman interrupts softly.

“Then…” He can almost feel the minute Logan’s eyes land on his hands lying limply at his sides. “…Roman, did you…?”

He nods, shame burning in his gut.

“…this may be a redundant question,” Logan says quietly after a moment, “but…are you alright?”

He can’t help the huff. “Would you like the honest answer or the acceptable one?”

Logan blinks. “Roman, you…you can always be honest with me. I apologize if I have ever given you the impression that you can’t.”

He must be able to see the disbelief on Roman’s face.

“…I do apologize for making you think your honesty was not wanted,” he says, shifting forward to kneel in front of Roman, “and…if it helps, I do believe I owe you.”

“No,” Roman says quickly, shaking his head, “no, Logan you don’t—you don’t owe me anything.”

“You cared for me.”

“That’s what anyone would do,” Roman argues, “what they should do. You shouldn’t owe me for basic decency. If anything, I owed you that.”

“Why would you owe me that?”

He laughs sadly. “Because I’m me? Because I’m loud and obnoxious and never want to listen to you?”

“And what about me? I’m cold and callous and dismissive of you.”

Roman shakes his head. “No, you’re not.”

Logan reaches up to push his hair out of his face. “And you’re not either.”

The wind ruffles through the petals. Logan looks up and smiles.

“It’s beautiful.”

Roman ducks his head. “…thanks.”

“So this is…yours?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s wonderful, Roman.”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t believe me,” Logan says softly, “do you?”

Roman just shrugs.

“Talk to me,” he coaxes, cupping Roman’s face in his hands, “come on, now.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Now, I don’t believe that for a second.”

It hurts. He wants and it hurts and it’s not supposed to hurt and of course it’s supposed to hurt. Everything hurts. Logan scoots a little closer and waits patiently.

“…it used to be easy,” Roman whispers finally, “I used to be able to…to make this work. And now…now I don’t know how to anymore.”

“How what works?”

“I’m not supposed to want,” Roman confesses, “I’m supposed to want for Thomas. And I…I don’t know what that is anymore. Maybe I never did. But I—it used to be easy for me to make myself stay where I was supposed to be. And how to remind myself to be safe in—in—“

“Pain,” Logan finishes.

Roman’s head throbs.

“Oh, my dear,” he murmurs, pulling Roman forward into a burning hug, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Roman slurs, drunk off of Logan’s arms around him, “don’t…don’t stress about it.”

“I’m worried about you, little star,” Logan says against his temple, “you’re hurting.”

“We all hurt.”

“Yes, and recently, someone very smart said that something like this isn’t necessary for us to love you.”

Roman looks up slowly, his eyes brimming with hope. Logan smiles down at him, head tilted in silent question.

“…you think I’m smart?”

“I think you’re quite intelligent, yes.” He catches a tear on the edge of his thumb. “And I think you’re hurting yourself, little star.”

“I…I am, Logan.”

“I know,” Logan whispers, “I know you are.”

“I’m sorry—“

“Shh, shh,” he soothes, “don’t apologize, little star, it’s okay. I’m not angry. I understand.”

Of course he does. He’s Logan.

“It’s not easy, is it? It never is, it’s just…we have to unlearn things, now.” Logan strokes a hand through his hair. “Sometimes it’s going to be a little harder.”

And Roman is here, in his glade, under his tree, protected by the eyes of the world by the thick forest wall, and he wants.

He wants to throw his arms around Logan and hang on for dear life. He wants this pit in his stomach to fill to bursting and disappear forever. He wants everything to stop, right here, so he can live here forever.

What comes out instead is: “…can you hold onto me?”

Logan nods instantly. “How much?”

“…like I might fall off the face of the earth if you let go?”

“Can that happen,” Logan asks even though he’s already moving.

“Not if you hold on.”

A chuckle rumbles through the warm chest as Roman’s cheek comes to rest against the soft fabric. “Then I’d better hold on tightly.”

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