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mastermindmp3 · 28 days

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Guilty as Sin? addresses the idea of emotional cheating, about longing for someone outside their current relationship. The speaker describes being in bored in her relationship, and fantasizing about a guy that she is texting* while her lover likely does the same**.

*In my romantic pirate heart, they're pen pals paramours as opposed to texting troublemakers. He "sent" her Downtown Lights, which could easily be read as being sent a streaming link, but I want to believe he sent her a burned tape. **As I've previously said, The Tortured Poets Department is an album in conversation with itself. The mutual emotional infidelity is only really implied by the speaker's questioning her right to be upset within Guilty as Sin? but is made clearer in other places throughout the album. Whether you allow other songs to affect your reading of the song is wholly up to you..

Diversion aside, I think the song touches on this theme very well, and I trust my fellow Department members will provide insights on the song's preferred reading in today's meeting.

In the reception theory of reader responses, a preferred reading is the audience understanding and agreeing with the author's (or producer, or lyricist, etc. ) intended vision for their media. Reception theory also says that readers can take oppositional and negotiated readings. Oppositional readings reject the author's stance entirely, while a negotiated reading may agree in part or whole, but still have their own "take" on the media.

Guilty as Sin? is intended to be about emotional infidelity. For the past few days, I have been analyzing the songs through their preferred reading. Today, I would like to destroy all of that, and present to you my Oppositional Reading of Guilty as Sin?

I know, very well, that the reading I am about to present is not Swift's intent, and indeed, I may be a koi swimming against the river's current. This post is not meant to be me saying that the song is my reading. I am within opposition to the text.

(I guess that technically makes this a negotiated reading? semantics—)

I am about to commit the cardinal sin of reading queer themes into a straight author's work. Crucify me if you please, but do so with the context that I acknowledged that this reading is not "canonical," to continue being biblical about it.

To reiterate, because this is the "how dare you say we piss on the poor" website. I do not believe that my reading is the intended reading of Guilty as Sin?

So:

When reading queer themes into straight work, I feel it is impossible to not draw from personal experience. This post is about Guilty as Sin? but it is also about me. It is about what growing up queer in the rural American southeast is like. It's hard to detangle those things.

I present to the department: A case for Guilty as Sin? as a song of queer longing. Half analysis, half personal essay.

On the surface, I feel this reading can be very simple. When the whole refrain is how can I be guilty as sin? and hegemonic Christian society deems queer love, queer living as sinful, the connection doesn't feel like that hard of a jump. The song travels through its religious theming, through the shame, through hushing yourself with the idea that thoughts don't count. The speaker works through those pains and repressions, so that she can come to the revelation:

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

What initially got me thinking about this song in a gay way was one of the opening lyrics. ( Well, no, what initially got me thinking this was listening to it as I was writing fiction, but hush. )

This cage was once just fine.

As a bisexual woman, there was once a time where I really, truly, thought to myself that I would never come out. It was fine, to be honest. I still like men, so I just had to pray that my one big love was a man. That way, I could protect myself from my family’s imagined negative reactions. I don't think this is a unique experience, either. Particularly in the south, we hold ourselves in for the comfort of others, and our own safety.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel like that fear of rejection is common amongst the people I know. It leads to caging our feelings; locking bits of ourselves away from those who once knew us so closely, in order to preserve their original vision of us. As perfect, straight sons and daughters, as kids who would grow into the molds set forth. And for a while, we can hold together like this, the cage is fine.

But parrots pluck their feathers when kept under lock and key, and so too do we.

I dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks.

Doesn't it feel like that? The first time you consider telling a parent, or any loved one, that you're not what they imagined. Like you could be dashing your chances at life. The image brings to mind that of suicide, of a “I can no longer live like this.” People thrown to the rocks do not survive impact, and often are disfigured, beyond recognition. It's such a visceral image for a song filled with longing.

This song is textually about emotional infidelity, obviously, but I think it can also be about the longing we hold for the "unallowed." How we can both feel such beautiful love and hideous shame about the same thoughts. Repression is a funny thing, to smother the want can only make it come back harder, stronger.

What if I roll the stone away? They're gonna crucify me anyways.

I said that the Christian imagery is part of what made me think of the song as queer, and I stand by it. A lot of queer art deals with the trauma of religion; the idea of being guilty for the way you simply are, for the way you feel, naturally, drives one to consider the opposite. What if our way of being is holy. I'm particularly brought to mind Fipsi Seilern’s Portrait of Virgin Xtravaganzah (and the portraiture's subject - Virgin X - by extension.)

The connection is not hard to make; masturbation, the song’s main premise, is seen as sinful, as is infidelity. And so, too, is being gay. They are shamed the same way in conservative Christian society, as if they are of the same level.

In a way, it's very Christian of me to take a religiously charged song about emotional infidelity and make it about same gender attraction. On the level of infractions to the Christian hegemony, same gender attraction may be worse, truly, than infidelity. That to touch another man or another woman is worse of a crime, than to betray the trust of your opposite gendered partner.

Y'know, as a kid, I used to get nosebleeds every time I entered my family's church. It was high in the mountains of Tennessee, and I was prone to them anyways. It was my first experience with the hemming and hawing of Christian southern women, tsk'ing at me. I think we stopped going when I was like, ten, partially because of it.

And I look back now, and think about all these things I have learned since then. The pain that Christian dogmatism, that bigotry has caused, to me and the communities I love so dearly. Still causes, in the name of saving our souls, or more likely, extermination.

And think about bleeding every time I crossed the threshold into holy ground.

Does that make us all guilty as sin?

Nah. Any guilt we feel is only a consequence of the spoon fed hatred, and certainly no fault of our own.

( It is interesting, that this reading absolves the narrator of the song, where the original text is more ambiguous as to the level of infraction that the Speaker has committed. The answer to "How can I be guilty as sin?" here is more clear, especially to this specific audience. Swift's modern demographics trend towards young, leftist, and AFAB. Additionally, there's probably a whole essay in that idea itself, how queer people are treated with the same ostracism as adulterers. Going further, why are these "sins," a state of being and a social infraction, grouped with far greater transgressions in the Christian consciousness. Were I not a Biology student, that idea alone would be an excellent thesis topic. )

A defense of the idea of Queering Straight Songs:

When my family drove up the mountain to church, I listened to my Fearless disc on a pink Sony brand CD player in the back seat. How often are our first imaginings of queer love to straight media? Through characters or through idealized versions of us or through the music we're allowed, we find ways to feel queer love like sidewalk dandelions. Some call them weeds, but we all know they're flowers, beautiful and beloved, capable of coming back year after year.

We live in an age where queer stories and queer art are so visible, where we can look at Queering the Map and see all the places we are. And will continue to be. And have always been.

I think, in a way, claiming this song about straight infidelity as queer longing is almost a full circle moment, for me. In a time where queer liberties are at risk, we are still so loud and visible. It's nice, in a way, that I don't have to do this.

There are so many wonderful songs about this same longing, about locking your feelings up and bottling them away, by queer artists, even in this same genre. I don't have to stretch to see myself in these songs. They're radio play, they're opening Coachella.

( Also, protect small queer art. Protect bad queer art, too, while we're at it. We are so lucky that so much of queer lives are available at our fingertips, but without archival and protection, it can also be lost. )

I wouldn't say queer people are braver than we've ever been - that's a disservice to the people before us. We have ages of proof that this music, this art, has existed, and repressing it cannot stop it. We aren't any braver than our ancestors, just more widely seen, and more widely heard. Queer music, thanks to the internet, and thanks to wide, social pressure, is louder than ever.

But that doesn't mean we still can't queer the straight music we love too. This entire post (essay, can I call it an essay?) is about reception theory and seeing yourself in the other's work. It's a time honored tradition to make a song about yourself, to make it gay - I played Lover on violin at a lesbian couple's wedding, and my uncles danced at their wedding to Endless Love by Diana Ross.

I leave you with a final story, based on my favorite lyric.

What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh, only in my mind?

This line, in particular, made me feel many things, a rush of nostalgia and warmth. I've claimed many celebrities to be my bi awakening, but the first time I remember being attracted to a girl was at the Speak Now tour. She was a bit older than me, maybe 14, and sat across the aisle. Mid-show, she helped me write my favorite lyrics on my arm in the pitch black of Bridgestone Arena. I had seen the lyrics on Taylor's arm and got so excited about the idea, but my mother didn't have a sharpie. She did. In sort of loopy handwriting, she put, "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" down my right arm.

With purple glitter glinting off tanned, grinning cheeks, with her Speak Now glowstick hovering over my arm, I don't remember her name, or even if I asked for it. But she was so kind, crinkling eyes black as obsidian, twinkling the stage lights in their reflection, and made me realize exactly why that lyric resonated with me so deeply. How it was what I wanted to be in the future.

And I could see my future with her, or him, or them. And it is impossible to untangle Swift's music from that.

It's all empathy, all the way down. The kind of empathy that, I am not sorry to be corny and say it, Taylor Swift's music begs you to have. To take these songs that are very much written from her perspective, and see our own experiences mirrored through them, that's what her music asks. To see that we are not all that different, and to connect. How rare and mundane human connection, how we rip out our souls to achieve it. Swift's talked about it extensively, the catharsis of spilling ink, putting pen to paper and voice to recording all in effort to be seen.

I think that's the big motif: I feel seen by Guilty as Sin?, I felt seen back then listening to these CDs. That's the sorcery of storytelling. As an adult, who is so comfortable in her bisexuality that I flaunt it, I still like to do these oppositional readings, to see myself in songs not made about me.

And that's why Guilty as Sin? is, to me, a queer longing kind of song. Even if it isn't.

#taylor swift #ttpdminutes #Guilty As Sin?#this one got away from me #anyways this one goes out to my repressed queers it gets better. i promise you it gets so much better.#religion tw #tw christianity #brief mention of suicide #mentions of homophobia #man i realize this aint even ABT the song anymore.#but it would be too on the nose with the theme of this essay if i DIDN'T say these thoughts #queer every song you love. its good for you i promise.#long post

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another-whump-sideblog · 2 days

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Jane's Pets Chapter 102: Kindness

TWs in the tags

Masterlist

Puppy leaves reality the second she leaves the house.

Not literally, of course, but she knows this walk well enough that she doesn't have to pay much attention, so after dropping the food and water Bunny gave her for the trip, she mentally retreats into her daydreams.

Puppy is a well-off author who wants to put more good into the world, so she decides to adopt a child, eventually settling on a 12-year-old girl named Ma– Jane.

Jane is a very traumatized child, and she often lashes out violently, both towards herself and others, which is difficult to deal with. Puppy can overpower Jane, obviously, she's just a 12-year-old girl, but she tries to avoid that as much as possible, to avoid traumatizing her further.

Puppy has to lock away everything that could be conceivably used as a weapon, and even then Jane is good enough at lock-picking that she can't ever be left unsupervised. It's a good thing Puppy doesn't need a job.

Jane claims to not feel anything or care about anyone, and sometimes that seems true, but other times it is painfully obvious that pretending to not care about anything is just a coping mechanism.

The first month of her living with Puppy is hell for both of them, but Puppy never even considers giving up on Jane. She doesn't know if she can help Jane with her violent outbursts and manipulative behaviors, but she knows she can be there for her even when no one else will. Every time Puppy thinks she's made a breakthrough, Jane mocks her for thinking that she could ever help Jane and believing her tears are genuine. It's rough. It's really rough. But Puppy doesn't give up on her.

Jane's behaviors get more and more extreme the longer she stays with Puppy, until she realizes nothing she does will make Puppy leave her. Then, she mellows out a little. Not a lot, but she's stopped trying to kill Puppy in her sleep, so she sees that as a success.

Jane's a very smart kid. For a long time, she uses that intelligence exclusively to destroy things and hurt people, but eventually Puppy is able to redirect her to books and puzzles. She reads far beyond her grade level, eventually getting to the point where she reads scientific studies for fun and writes letters to the authors asking questions or complaining about flaws in their methodologies. She takes online courses in all sorts of things. The school she goes to is more tailored to behavioral difficulties than the actual learning that she enjoys, so they eventually end up deciding that she can be homeschooled, so long as Jane stays out of trouble.

Jane starts to ask for things instead of trying to steal them. She starts to draw violent scenes instead of hurting herself or other people. She joins a soccer team, which seems to help her get her energy out in less violent ways, even if there are a few incidents of her playing too roughly.

By the time her 13th birthday rolls around, she's made incredible progress. She doesn't have any friends to invite to a party, but she seems more than fine with that. She begs to be allowed to make her own birthday cake, so Puppy lets her, and she seems to have a lot of fun. She doesn't even use any of the cooking utensils to hurt people or break things!

She asks for a banjo for her birthday and starts teaching herself to play. It's amazing how well she's able to teach herself stuff like that– she really is so intelligent, and Puppy is the one who helped her direct that in a productive way.

Things aren't perfect. She has breakdowns about once a month, screaming and crying and slamming her head against things until she starts bleeding or Puppy restrains her in a hug. She makes extremely violent threats any time things don't go her way and keeps a journal full of the 'weaknesses' of everyone she knows. But she's doing so much better than she was when Puppy first adopted her.

Jane enjoys styling Puppy’s hair, so Puppy lets her. She could say no at any time, it's not a weird power play. Just mother-daughter bonding.

Puppy takes a moment to reorient herself once she gets to the town. There are plenty of people who offered her help should she ever need it, since Master enjoys– enjoyed making people uncomfortable too much to do business with people who were okay with human pets. The harder part will probably be actually finding them, but she thinks if she waits in the alley where they usually did exchanges someone will come by eventually. They're actually probably more likely to be there at night… but she told Bunny and Kitty she'd be back by sundown. She can always go back to let them know she's okay and then head out again, though.

While she waits in the alley, she drifts away again.

Charlie and Liam live a wonderfully happy life. Charlie has a game company where they sell their board and card games for a nice profit, and Liam is… Liam is a lawyer. A prosecutor. He fights to protect people and prevent dangerous people from doing more damage, even if that means people he convicts get the death penalty. He doesn't feel guilty about it, because the people he gets killed deserve it and make the world better by dying.

The two of them are close friends. They love their respective careers and make enough money to live very comfortably. They aren't burdened with love for anyone who's hurt them, or crying over how someone they care about needs to be coerced into doing the bare minimum of taking care of herself. They're okay. They're happy and safe. No one hurts them by incorrectly assuming there's no other way. No one hurts them at all.

They eat their favorite foods every day. They make the world a better place. They get everything they could ever want.

"...Puppy?"

Puppy starts. There's a man she knows at the entry of the alley– Arnold. He's one of the ones who offered to help her. That was faster than she expected… or she's been spending hours looping over scenes of Liam and Charlie happy without noticing time passing. The sun definitely seems to have made it farther across the sky since the last she checked…

She takes a deep breath. This is going to be rough, but she doesn't have another choice. This is how she can get Bunny and Kitty the life they deserve.

She clears her throat and looks Arnold in the eyes. "I need help." One more thing she'll be punished for later.

Arnold's eyes widen. A few other familiar people filter in behind him– of course, there would be no reason for him to come here alone. Not all of them have offered her help, but none of them seem the type to actively prevent her from getting it. Things are going perfectly.

"Ma– Jane is… dead." She's going to get punished she's going to get the others hurt she's going to– "I'm not–" deep breath "the only one. Now that she's gone… we need money. She left a lot behind. We don't have access to most of her fortune, but… we have the stuff in her house. Furniture. Jewelry. Weapons. Selling to the general public would… raise questions. I need help finding buyers. You would get a cut of the profits."

She feels phantom barbs digging into her skin. It's not real, she knows it's not real, but that doesn't make it any less painful. At least she can make her throat work. She can do it for this but not to apologize or comfort her friends… They'll be so much better off when she's gone.

"We can do that!" Arnold sounds excited. "We can even just buy the stuff off you ourselves and then sell it, you probably don't wanna wait around while we search for buyers. Do you need anything else? I know a guy that can forge paperwork for you, and I know a place that doesn't ask questions if you need medical attention."

"...just the money stuff, for now. Thank you."

Arnold was pretty young when Puppy first met him. She probably pitied him just as much as he pitied her, he seemed pretty in over his head. He always offered her food when he could and tried to make conversation with her. He seemed guilty that he couldn't do more, but Master had made some examples of people who tried to mess with her already and he was smart enough to keep his head down. Even offering her food was risky, though, and he did it anyway, even though Puppy refused every time. Even as he moved up the ranks, he never lost that gentleness towards her.

"Whatever you want." He seems so genuinely happy to see her free. "So, how do you want this to work? If there's furniture we'll probably have to come by her base and get stuff ourselves– Dave, you still got that moving truck?"

"Sure do," one of the men behind Arnold says.

"Oh– it's in the woods. Her house. Can it get through there?"

"Hmm… well, we'll figure it out. The furniture had to get there in the first place, right? If we have to we can take it apart and carry stuff back through the woods in several trips."

Puppy nods. "When… works for you? I can give you directions, and you can come when you're ready."

Giving instructions of where she's staying to a bunch of people she knows are criminals isn't the best idea she's ever had… she'll probably have to move Kitty and Bunny out beforehand, just to be safe. Without the risk of them dying, though, what's there even to be afraid of? Nothing they could do could be any worse than Master.

"That sounds perfect. We'll come by tomorrow to get an idea of everything and negotiate payment. Even if we have to take all the furniture apart and carry it to wherever we end up putting the moving van. We might not be able to get everything out in a day, but I’ll make sure you have the money tomorrow. Do you know where you're going to stay, once you have money?"

Puppy nods. No matter how much she trusts Arnold, she's not giving him more information than that. She quickly gives directions to the house. "I should… get going."

"Of course. See you tomorrow. Oh, and let us know tomorrow if there's anything else we can do, too."

Puppy nods. By then she'll have asked Bunny and Kitty, so she'll have an answer. She slips out of the alleyway and heads home.

Taking off the collar. Taking off the muzzle. Not putting the collar back on. Not putting the muzzle back on. Speaking. Not putting the collar back on. Not putting the muzzle back on. Writing. Not putting the collar back on. Not putting the muzzle back on. Drinking water. Not throwing up the water. Not putting the collar back on. Not putting the muzzle back on. Drinking water again. Not throwing up the water. Not putting the collar back on. Not putting the muzzle back on. Not throwing up the water. Writing again. Not putting the collar back on. Not putting the muzzle back on. Not throwing up the water. Speaking without permission again–

The loop is difficult to ignore, no matter what she tries to daydream about.

You've been trying to avoid worrying about Puppy while she's gone. You never really worried when Jane sent her out grocery shopping before, so why would you be worried now?

Well, you know the answer to that. As awful as Jane was, you know she wouldn't have let anyone touch Puppy without her permission. She wasn't in danger of anyone but Jane hurting her while she was out. Now…

But you can't really do anything about that until sunset, when she said you could go looking for her if she wasn't back yet. So you try to avoid the worry.

You pack the clothes you want to keep and some packaged foods into a garbage bag. You don't even really want to keep the clothes, but buying a new set of clothes when it's not necessary would waste money that could be spent keeping a roof over your heads. And you'd much rather leave the house and spend money on a new place than stay and get new clothes.

Once you're done with that, you help Kitty get some stuff packed. They want to avoid moving as much as possible, since it makes some of their withdrawal symptoms worse, so you bring all the clothes from their room out to the living room and ask Kitty which ones they want to keep one by one. It takes a long time, but there's not much else to do.

All of the pockets on their clothes are sewn shut. You’re not sure when that happened.

“Hey, do you want me to see if I can cut these pockets open? I think the only sharp thing we have is a kitchen knife, so there would be a risk of ruining your clothes.”

“Um… you can try…”

You go get a kitchen knife and try to cut the thread holding the pockets closed on a pair of pants. You finally get the knife under one of the stitches— and immediately cut your hand when the knife gets through the stitch.

“Fuck!” You quickly clean the wound and bandage it. Stupid Bunny. You put the pair of pants back in the bag (luckily you didn’t get any blood on it) and explain to Kitty that you’ll have to wait until you have access to scissors or something.

Once you're done with that, you put the clothes they didn't want to keep back in their room (mostly ripped and bloodstained clothes, like the ones you didn't want to keep, so selling them probably won't be an option). Then you ask Kitty what kinds of the packaged foods in the house they like and toss those in their bag as well.

Puppy still isn't back, and it takes you a minute to remember that you can make yourself and Kitty a meal without her. Jane usually didn't allow Puppy to have help with her 'chores,' so you've gotten in the habit of never fixing anything bigger than a snack for yourself. But Jane's gone now.

Of course, being able to cook without being punished and being able to cook are two different things. It's not like you had a lot of practice while you were homeless. You eventually decide to make some ramen noodles and hope you don't burn the house down.

Besides it taking you a while to figure out how to turn on the stove (haven’t you seen people do this before???), the process goes smoothly, and you end up with two bowls of ramen and some leftovers. You can’t find any containers to put the leftovers in, so you put that in a bowl of its own and put that in the fridge. Hopefully Puppy will eat it…

“Think you can keep down some noodles?” You ask Kitty.

They groan and drag themself to a sitting position with a lot of effort. “I’ll try.”

You hand them their bowl. “Are you… feeling any better?”

“I don’t want to make conversation with you.”

“Oh. Okay.” They’re still mad, then. You eat in awkward silence. They struggle to eat with all their shaking, but you get the feeling they wouldn’t be happy with you offering to help. You both manage to finish your bowls without incident.

Just as you’re finishing washing the dishes (another thing that you have to remind yourself you’re allowed to do now) you hear the door open.

“Puppy?”

You hear a hum of confirmation.

“How’d it go?” You put the dishes away and go to meet her in the living room.

She finds her paper and pencil and starts writing.

“I made ramen. There’s some in the fridge for you.”

She hums in acknowledgment again, then passes you the paper.

It went well. They’ll come here to figure out prices and transporting the stuff tomorrow. They said they’ll get us the money tomorrow even if they still need a few days for transportation, and we’ll be free to go once we have the money.

You pass the paper back. “That’s great! Kitty, Puppy says we’ll have the money and be able to leave tomorrow.”

Puppy writes something else and passes it to you.

I’d appreciate if you two could be out of the house when they come. I trust them, but I’d like to minimize risk.

You pass it back. “What? Wouldn’t having multiple people here minimize risk more?” You don’t want to be waiting and worrying for so long again.

She frowns, but doesn’t answer otherwise.

“Do you think that they’re only trustworthy towards you specifically? Or do you just want to make sure that anything that could go wrong only happens to you?”

She winces, then sighs and shrugs.

“We’re going to stay. I mean, I’m going to stay. What do you think, Kitty?”

“I’m not moving unless I absolutely have to.”

Puppy writes something else and passes it to you.

Okay, you can stay. I probably wouldn't let one of you do this alone, so that's fair.

They offered to help us forge documents and get medical care from people who won't ask questions. What do you think about that?

You read it aloud for Kitty and then pass it back. "I… we haven't done anything wrong."

Kitty laughs weakly.

"I mean, we shouldn't need to pretend to be other people. Right? We just need an explanation that leaves out the magic stuff. And maybe some of the stuff we were forced to do, I don't know if we're legally innocent if it was under the threat of violence… I just– after all this, I… want to be the person I used to be. As much as possible. I don't want someone else to pick a name for me again. Maybe that's not how it works, I don't know."

Puppy writes and passes the paper to you. It would make it easier to get an apartment, I think. No one's going to be especially eager to rent a place to people with no jobs or rental history in the past few years. But we would also have to worry about making sure we don't get caught. It just depends on what worry you'd prefer.

You read it aloud to Kitty and pass it back. "I… I've survived being homeless before. I feel like, in the worst case scenario, I'd still know what to do if we couldn't find somewhere permanent to stay. But having forged documents… I don't know."

"I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not." Kitty adds.

Puppy nods and sets her stuff down.

"So… now we just wait for tomorrow?"

Puppy nods again.

"Me and Kitty packed up the stuff we want to take while you were gone, do you want help packing your stuff? I thought about doing it for you, but I didn't know what you'd want to take."

Puppy shakes her head and goes to the kitchen to grab a garbage bag. You're kinda glad she didn't ask for help, because your head is starting to hurt.

"I think… I'm just going to go to bed, then. Oh, Kitty, should I get you some pillows and blankets to make the couch more comfortable?" You should've done that sooner, why didn't you think to do that sooner? Stupid Bunny.

"...yes."

You get some blankets and pillows from their room (maybe you should've packed blankets and pillows? Most of them are bloodstained, though…) and help them get comfortable on the bed. Then you go to your room and crumple into your bed.

This is the last night you'll spend in this house. The hard part is finally over.

A/N: Let me know if I should tag anything else, or if you want to be added to or removed from the tag list! This was released exactly on time what are you talking about

Tag list: @eatyourdamnpears @whump-in-the-closet @scp-1296 @thecosmicmap @quins-whump-stuff

@fuckcapitalismasshole

#whump #whump writing #whumpblr #intimate whumper #creepy whumper #nonhuman whumper #multiple whumpees #pet whump #whumpee #whump caretaker #suicidal ideation tw #withdrawal tw #emeto tw #(very brief mention)#jane’s pets

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antiendovents · 1 month

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Cw: brief mentions of suicide

Dude that one pro endo system needs to leave people alone they keep harassing everyone, they even went to our side blogs

It's so annoying hearing them tell us the same bullshit over and over again

NO ONE is responsible for any other persons suicide !!!! I don't know that person I just want them to stop harassing me and everyone else

im so sorry about that. They sound so annoying. No one is responsible for someones suicide ((with some rare exceptions of course, but we're not talking about that now)) and it's not fair to blame people for something like that, especially when they don't even know the person that committed suicide. Harassment is not funny, it's not cool. Honestly at this point no one feels bad for you, leave us alone (not directed at you anon but at the pro endos / endos).

#anti endo #did #did system #endos dni #plural #actually did #alters #system #endos fuck off #did osdd #tw brief suicide mention #Cw brief suicide mention

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sionisjaune · 9 months

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#NEED to write more about him but what to write… 👀 👀 👀 ayk I am an avid cneu enjoyer i'm on my knees oh more food would be excellent,,, what i think is great about your au is how it's this exploration of how nico, given his upbringing, would've ended up if f1 was out of the picture (tho of course it's quite an extreme case. my little pampered blond polyglot with a cosmopolitan background lost at sea after losing the one thing that anchored him down (proper racing) 🥺

with that being said if u are possibly thinking about writing more (not trying to pressure you ofc) I'd love to see more of his background. perhaps even a snippet of some (non-)interaction with keke?? alternatively i think a jenson pov would be sickening and delicious

This is NOT what you asked for, but I have been turning over the idea of Nico and his father in my mind, and I don't think he is ready to talk about it with any honesty! Anyway, have this:

The sun is rising after a long night, a molten blaze on the water. Nico’s cigarette smells awful, but the comedown from the race was too intense to handle alone. Lewis spotted him at an afterparty in Cannes, and then Nico dragged him to Jenson Button’s party on a rented yacht. Now Lewis is reclined on the empty seats in the bow, and Nico is halfway on his lap recovering from his own vices.

“Do you follow the races? Is that it?” Lewis says. Nico stamps out the cigarette on the arm of Jenson’s sofa. He's always around. It's not as if Lewis goes to seedy clubs looking for him.

“No,” says Nico, repulsed. “But Monaco… I like to be on the periphery. Good parties.”

“Sure,” says Lewis. “If this is your idea of a good party.” He gestures loosely at the vague shape of a woman passed out on the teak deck some fifteen feet away.

Nico flicks his crumpled cigarette overboard and snorts. “If that were me, you would be on your knees already. That’s your idea of a good time.” He shoots Lewis an almost sober glare. “Don’t argue. You know I’m right.”

“If you weren’t such a mess all of the time, I wouldn’t have to do it,” says Lewis. It feels important to point out.

“You don’t have to do anything,” says Nico.

“I kind of do,” says Lewis, staring across the water, letting the rising sun etch itself into his retinas. “When you’re fucking wasted and trying to kill yourself.”

“It’s my life,” says Nico. He drops his head onto Lewis’s shoulder, all of his silky hair rubbing against Lewis’s cheek. His breath smells like tequila, hot on the shell of Lewis’s ear, like it did when Lewis was furiously jerking him off in the cramped bunks below deck. “You’re the one following me everywhere. Like a fucking guardian angel. You just can’t stand the fact that I’m free. You couldn’t let yourself go if you tried.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Lewis. He reaches around Nico to scrape his hair back and away from Lewis’s face. “I saw your apartment.” Lewis pictures Nico’s Monaco penthouse—the plush carpets, the golden faucets, the view of the water. It sits empty most of the year.

“The apartment,” says Nico, with a dry laugh. “A gift from my father. Fuck him, right?"

“What?” says Lewis. “Fuck him?" It's not—it's a vile thing to say, Lewis thinks. Nico is a vile person, except for when he isn't. "You know, I slept on my dad’s sofa growing up. He was the only person who believed in me. I didn't have a single friend at the karting track. Not one.”

“So we’re having this conversation,” says Nico.

Lewis curls his hand into a fist, digging blunt nails into his palm. “Actually, we’re not.”

Nico blows out another breath on the side of Lewis’s face. “If you hate me so fucking much, then quit me. I could have anyone fuck me. Better than you can—easily. You're so fucking repressed that you're impossible to be with.”

“What is your problem?” says Lewis. He uncurls his fingers and watches the crescent-shaped indents on his palm fill with blood and disappear.

“What’s yours,” says Nico, bored.

Lewis sighs—a strangled, frustrated gust of breath. The sun is most of the way risen now, a fiery ball of orange wavering a few metres above the horizon. It looks like the party is still raging on another boat on the other side of the harbour, bodies on bodies crammed on the upper deck, the quiet pounding of distant music floating on the breeze.

Nico lifts his wrist to point limply at the outline of the other boat.

“I raced the son of the man who owns that boat this weekend,” he says. Like he didn't just rip Lewis to shreds. “I don’t have to tell you who won. He brought some modified Mustang to the track and tried to wager it. You know, winner keeps the car.” He scrapes his fingers through his own hair and resettles his neck on Lewis’s shoulder. Lewis wraps one arm around him because it’s not possible to deny himself when the wound that is Nico is so raw. “Anyway, he lost by thirty seconds, and when he realized I was high, he tried to swing at me.”

Lewis winces. “So you took the Mustang?”

“No. I don’t play those games anymore.” Nico wrinkles his nose. “American muscle isn’t my style anyway.”

“Funny,” says Lewis. “You were playing those games when we met.”

“I’ll take your garage any day,” says Nico, easily. “I want to get inside that LaFerrari.”

“I know you do,” says Lewis. “Buy one. You can obviously afford it.”

Nico shuffles impossibly closer to Lewis, draping his legs over Lewis’s lap. In moments like these, Lewis could convince himself that Nico is sober, that he and Nico are just regular people in a regular boat, bobbing in a regular harbour. He imagines what it would have been like if he'd had a friend like Nico when he was younger, but stops just short of imagining Nico at sixteen, sober and starry-eyed.

“Killjoy. Like I said,” says Nico into Lewis’s neck.

#tw suicide mention #(very brief)#street racing cokehead nico #i wrote this

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henrysglock · 1 year

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Listen to me. Listen. If you give me the chance to talk about a Henry figure skater au I will NEVER shut up about it. He's so incredibly elite skater coded you don't even know. Brenner is so incredibly "coach who's after glory and doesn't care that he's pushing kids to their breaking points" coded.

I'm going to talk about it under the cut because I have SO much to say

Henry's signature jumping pass is a delayed double axel. What he misses in points on it, he makes up with artistry points and upgrading other jumps to quads. He's one of the few mens skaters who can do a proper Bielmann. His technique is strong, but his artistry is stronger. His nimbleness on the ice and the way he seems suspended in midair on his delayed 2A are what gets him nicknamed "the spider". He's generally quiet and unhappy, which everyone mistakes for him being heartless and aloof. He's not, it's just that Brenner doesn't know when to stop pushing, which is why Henry is never smiling in his press releases. He got two consecutive grand prix finals gold medals before The Scandal where he supposedly attacked a fellow skater before having The most disastrous injury the skating world has ever seen. He's rumored to have killed himself after the whole debacle. (He's not dead. He bums around Hawkins Community Ice Arena at the early freestyle sessions that No One ever attends...except Eleanor Hopper, when Jim can get his ass out of bed to take her) Virginia originally wanted him to "be a man" and do hockey while Alice did FS, but he's not um. built for that, exactly. So she stuck him with Brenner hoping Brenner could make something useful out of him.

When they were younger: Scott (who's part of AV club in addition to working on the school paper) was Not a team sports guy and would rather find more interesting things than football, and who better to talk about than the kid who's going to junior nationals?? They fall out of touch when they've graduated and Henry's time is completely monopolized by Brenner, who wants to craft him into the perfect super-weapon of a skater (spoiler: all he actually does is give him a mental breakdown, a physical breakdown, and get him banned from competition by framing him once he's showing signs of becoming obsolete)

Henry's disaster injury that I mentioned earlier comes about from years of simply being pushed consistently past his limit mentally and physically. He's exhausted. Everyone's body has a breaking point, and he happens to hit that point in the middle of an uncharacteristically sloppy routine on a botched 4Lz. He cracks his skull on the ice, and he's "lucky" he didn't die. It may not have killed him, but it did make his memory of the events leading up to the injury spotty at best, which makes it that much easier for Brenner to pin everything on him being a bad seed with whom he did his best.

After being all but excommunicated from the FS community, Henry drops off the face of the Earth. No one but Scott, Victor, and Alice know what he's up to (which is: dating Scott and having a much needed mental health break).

Henry flies under the radar that way until he meets El, who happens to have been training under Brenner for several years. Henry totally poaches her from Brenner, even though he himself has zero coaching experience. It's alright, because he and El are on the same wavelength when it comes to their approaches to complex skills. The only pictures of him smiling at press releases are after he takes El on as a student.

El absolutely smacks Angela in the face with her skate. Jonathan, high, tells her it could have been so much worse, at least she had her rubber blade guard on. Henry poaching El from Brenner is what reintroduces him to the skating community, but his defense of El in her mini-scandal reopens the overdue investigation into his own scandal. Deeper digging reveals the depth of Brenner's involvement, as well as evidence of decades of concealed abuse within the relationship.

Henry and Alice did pairs as children, and they were actually a pretty good team. Alice fell out of the sport after a bad fall, which Virginia blames Henry for (and Henry silently blames himself for). The blame and guilt in that regard only makes it easier for Brenner to be a piece of shit and get away with it.

Lonnie wanted Will to do hockey. Will isn't the hockey type, but he does enjoy bumming around with El and the Party at public skate. Mike is literally Bambi on ice, but it's endearing.

Jim 100% thought Henry was creeping on El at the early freestyle sessions until he figured out that oh. Henry's with Scott, and Brenner's the sicko. He and Henry started out on the wrong foot and never really recovered from it. They're like two feral cats forced to share territory.

This is 100% me self-indulging with Henry and El's mentor-student potential. He's her rink Dad, okay?

HCIA is nicknamed the "Rainbow Rink" a) because of the rainbow tiling on the lobby floor, and later b) because it's associated with Henry, who's rumored (later confirmed) to be gay.

Scott is also Bambi on ice. It's okay, it's just another reason for him to hold Henry's hand <3

#tw brief mentions of child abuse #tw for mentions of unhealthy coach-competitor relationships #tw suicide rumors #henryposting #creelarke in places #figure skating AU

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avtvmnalvibes · 10 months

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I’m rewatching Brotherhood for the first time in ages, and Barry the Chopper is the funniest character ever, like conceptually.

He’s a serial killer. He’s a ghost. He is a suit of armor. He’s a ghost possessing a suit of armor. His face is a human skull with pointy teeth/fangs. He used to be a butcher. When he found out his body was still around independently of his soul he wanted to chop it up. He tries to kill a 14 year old who is also a suit of armor. He actively encourages said 14 year old suit of armor to kill himself. He gaslights aforementioned 14 year old suit of armor to believe that he’s not real and gives him an existential crisis. He has a crush on Riza Hawkeye. He was roommates with Warrant Officer Falman for like a couple of weeks. He’s shaped like Winnie the Pooh. He went to prison. His name is Barry.

#fma #fmab #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #tw: suicide #tw: suicide mention #it’s brief but I don’t want to trigger anyone on accident so just in case

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paper-lilypie · 2 years

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Ok so this might be a case of me being a big stupid dumb dumb, but for ballpit au, if they go back before Afton kills anyone, why don't they just kill him?

Like as long as he doesn't die in the in the suit he wont come back right? And Gregory has experience killing animatronics which I presume would be useful experience in killing Afton, AND he can drive a car!

Just get Gregory to run Afton over! He isn't born yet so he cant be punished, [and I dare anyone to charge him with a crime that happened before he was even born yet without being laughed out the courts] and he even knows how to drive a car as seen in one of the endings, and he even runs over a mapbot in that ending! And Afton wont even come back! There's nothing to possess if he dies by car crash! if Afton doesn't die on impact, just run him over again! And since Afton is dead that means no murders! A Win-Win-Win all around!

if Gregory can break spacetime, he can commit vehicular manslaughter.

So why no murder? unless murder was always the plan then ignore me i guess lol

or is this a we go backwards bit by bit to the very beginning thingy?

also is there somewhere where i can read ballpit au or not?

(i love how alienated you are, nonnie bshsgshs)

Don’t worry, Gregory does consider this option in order to fix everything. (I mean, it’s logical, right?) Here’s the issue though:

It’s not what he was set out to do.

Old Man Consequences saved Gregory from his own demise for one reason and one only: to break the cycle of torment and grief William Afton has created.

Time is a fragile thing. To alter it and successfully mend it anew, Gregory has to take certain steps. Jumping from point A to point C would erase any kind of progress he’s gained. (Think of saving points, or clearing a level in a video game. Beating LVL 1 gets you to LVL 2. Failing LVL 2 sends you all the way back to LVL 1.)

Gregory was told to “save the victims” from first to last, so he could re-shape their timeline so the killings never happened.

Killing William Afton before his first victim is incredibly risky altogether. The task is to break the cycle of violence and grief, not create a new one. This could possibly set loose a whole OTHER chain of grievances and loss, especially when someone especially known to lose themselves in despair and their machinery would still be around to witness it: Henry Emily. (See: Henry’s constant attempts at rebuilding Charlie, isolating himself from this wife and son, going mad, almost taking his own life, burning alongside the souls his partner has slain, etc).

So its a no-no.

Trying to do so would instantly set Gregory and Michael back to square one, instead of fixing everything.

Besides, Old Man Consequences has plans of his own for Afton.

#tw: brief mentions of suicide #tw: mentions of death #hope this makes sense?? took me a while to put my thoughts in a coherent thread #jazz hands #if only it were that easy nonnie #if only #fnaf #ball pit au #william afton #gregory fazbear #michael afton #time travel shenanigans #ask lily

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mean-and-rwde · 1 year

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TW: suicide

Personal feelings rant about the recent episode.

If I saw this sort of episode content not even a few months ago (ESPECIALLY without a PROPER fucking warning), it would have honestly destroyed me. I was not in a good place then, and seeing how CRWBY has yet again written suicide like a good thing / solution / etc...

If they're gonna insist on writing such a heavy topic; one, they shouldn't treat it as a positive outcome; two, use a PROPER FUCKING trigger warning! Distressing themes could mean literally ANYTHING. And calling suicide a "distressing theme" is just. Awful. There's a way I'm trying to describe it, but basically, by simply calling it a distressing theme, it downplays how actually fucking serious and terrifying being / knowing someone who is suicidal.

I may not have cared much for Little, but on-screen animal death without warning? What the fuck. Not even gonna TALK about what the fuck was up with the cat and Neo. Holy fuck.

Add to all that the fact that WBY just stands there like "Oh no! Anyways, I can't do shit." and this is definitely the most insensitive writing of suicide yet. The fact that fucking YANG just STANDS THERE AND DOES NOTHING when she's Ruby's goddamn SISTER actually pisses me off.

I'm the older sibling, and let me just say that if I saw my brother depressed as fuck then outright suicidal, and I did nothing, I would literally take my own life if he were to actually do it and I just watched like :|

It brings back a thought I often had during that time: no one would care if I died, even if they saw me do it.

Which my family thankfully proved wrong, even if mom's solution was to drag my ass to the ER where they almost didn't let me go after one person talked to me for like 5 minutes when I'd been there for hours.

I can handle bloody stuff, but that's because the shows I watch often have such themes naturally. The disclaimer warning about disturbing content and the nature of said content makes the warning a lot clearer. You know you're likely gonna see some weird / fucked up shit.

RWBY isn't like that. Bloody on-screen injuries / deaths are not nearly as common. Clover's death was easily the most graphic.

Pyrrah and Penny's deaths were haunting, even if there was no blood. Penny's second death barely showed her - the only reason we know it happened is because we saw Jaune holding his sword, then there was some blood. Ironwood died as Atlas fell, without so much as taking one final shot at the main villian + Cinder. Pietro and Maria may as well be dead for all the fucks the show / mains give. I could go on, but you get the idea.

This has become a disturbing trend within the show, but this recent example has been the worst offender of not only the harmful idea that suicide is a solution / good thing, but also a vague trigger warning that does fuck all. Distressing themes does not warn of suicide, animal death, literal torture, whatever the fuck happened with Neo and the Curious Cat, etc.

I have not seen the episode(s) in question, and I don't think I will. In fact, I may drop the series altogether.

[End Rant]

#rwde #volume 9 #rwby critical #tw: suicide mention #tw: mentions of torture #tw: brief mention of animal death #Brief mention of gore #tw: vore #cant believe i had to put that one #but holy fuck #ew #volume 9 spoilers #i hate it here #what the fuuuuck #personal shit #personal rant #rant in tags

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nokingsonlyfooles · 10 months

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If you like my writing...

I know there's a few of you our there. I can hear you scrolling.

WELL, STAHP!

The concept of a Well, There's Your Problem fanfiction has taken over my brain and I will probably be finishing it in a hyperfixated frenzy after a few more days. I am a postmodern absurdist and this is my Art! However WTYP is very niche and I am making so many in-jokes it is unreal. I am going to post this story/script here, but if you want to enjoy it, you'll need to be at least a little into this engineering disasters podcast.

I am referencing, specifically: The Kursk; The Silver Bridge Disaster; The Atmospheric Railway; The 1943 Frankford Junction Wreck; and (I think) either the Bhopal Disaster or Aberfan. Also, the Ghostbusters films (it's a crossover). I recommend you start with The Atmospheric Railway, it's not too terribly long and you'll find out if you like jokes about rat smoothies before you get into the darker stuff. I gave Ms. Caldwell-Kelly a chance to choose the forms of engineering disaster Gozer the Gozerian would take, but she didn't get back to me. Either I got lost in a torrent of asks or she thinks I'm nuts and fears me. She is not wrong, but I didn't have the patience to wait.

There are all of three fics of WTYP at AO3 and I don't think any of them are quite this... epic. Unhinged, yes, maybe, but not like this. I'll be lucky number four! But I'll post it to Tumblr too, so I can render the slides for ya. Here is a preliminary excerpt:

A (Alice, she still seems to be going by that in podcast land): Right. Right. So, I have a question for you, gentlemen: who, or what, was Ivo Shandor? L (Liam): Sounds like a billionaire. A: And he looks like a nonce! R (Rocz): An early 20th century architect. A: You’re both right, and so am I. He was also a quack doctor, a selenium mining magnate, a cult leader, and the last person ever documented to be ripped in half by an ancient Sumerian deity — after he resurrected himself in Summerville, Oklahoma, in 2021. L: Boss. R: I’ve been to Summerville. They have that temple he built at the bottom of a mine… Well, I mean, they did. Right up until he resurrected himself. You gotta watch out for that, with selenium. We used to use it in our electronics, but silicon’s better for that, and much less haunted. L: That explains the internet. R: I mean, we’re not using it for the internet. Mainly in glassmaking, and surge protectors. It’s all right in trace amounts, but you get enough selenium in one place and the ghosts start crawling out of the damn walls. You gotta put up at least a double-thick cold iron insulator, or some carbonated steel. Fucking expensive. Not worth it, unless you’re a big fan of the paranormal. A: Just so. In fact, next slide, please… [Slide: A collage of various art deco buildings.] A: …the paranormal activity associated with Shandor’s designs was so well-documented that by the mid 1950s, everyone who wanted to live or work in one of his buildings was required to sign a waiver, before even looking at them. I’ve looked everywhere for one of these waivers, but it seems like the mere association caused them to become hazardous as well. If anyone out there should happen to find one, for God’s sakes, email it to me, and then speak to your nearest mental health professional immediately. L: Take a Zoloft, you’ll be fine. R: Just walk it off. A: According to what I could find, the standard language indemnified the buildings’ owners against any and all instances of madness, brain damage, murder, suicide… You might have to bleep that, Devon… D [text over slide]: NO. FUCK IT. NOT AFTER THE DAY I’VE HAD. A:… mutilation, speaking in tongues, and — specifically! — “cranial liberation of the pineal gland!” [laughing] Whatever the hell that means! L [cackling]: What? R [deadpan]: Nah, I wouldn’t sign that. A: Well, I would, because these buildings fuck! I mean, look at those façades! R: I like these little gargoyles right here. [outlining a pair of gargoyles in red, paying special attention to the horns] With the horns. Technically these things are called grotesques, ‘cause they don’t have a drain pipe, but people just call ‘em gargoyles. That’s where we get the verb “to gargle” too. Not a typical feature of art deco design, but Shandor sure did like ‘em. They’re not really sure whether he had a sense of humor or if he was just nuts. L: Both, I like both. R: Could be both, yeah. A: Well, according to eyewitness testimony… R: Not very reliable. [giving each gargoyle a smiling face, with dots for eyes] A: …those stone statues came to life during the 1984 New York Incident — next slide, please! [Slide: The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, with a caption saying Artist’s Depiction.] A: …and summoned a 100-foot tall marshmallow man who attempted to end all life on Earth as we know it. [crazed laughter, pandemonium] R: Yeah, I don’t know if I buy that. L: Sounds like another Macy’s Thanksgiving balloon snapped its tethers with murder in its heart. R: Yeah, those balloons are famously angry. Ever since they started using helium, it’s like they got minds of their own. All things considered, helium may also be haunted. A: Rows nine through eighteen of the Periodic Table are all fucking haunted. L: A Macy’s Thanksgiving balloon has black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. R: Yeah, I heard Snoopy ate a whole shipload of sailors during World War II. …Says here Sonic the Hedgehog injured a police officer in 1993, that really happened… L: Yes! Sonic says ACAB!

...Please, if you have never encountered WTYP, I promise you, I have not gone mad, that is eerily close to how it really is, and I am thrilled with it. I've written myself into a bit of a corner concerning Ms. Caldwell-Kelly's levitation powers and lasers vs. a possessed train, in that I cannot allow her to destroy the pocket dimension entirely or it will kill all of them, but if I can get over that little hurdle I should be finished soon.

...Okay, I know how that sounds, but look, if you're following because I curate a fun stream of content, I assure you, that is not what I am about. I do not quite have a strategy for fighting the algorithm yet, but it is my intention to share more things in progress so you at least know what I do. I know I SHOULD be getting Erik and Maggie together at the hotel, but I am not in full control of my intellect and I can only do so much with it.

I'll share a bit of Soldier On with only mild spoilers later, too, if that's okay. I'll try to put up at least a piece of something I've made or am making once a day. It's not perfect, but maybe if I send up a few flares someone will notice I'm sinking and send eyeballs. Thank you for your time and patience!

#well there's your problem #wtyp #fanfic #work in progress #long post #tw: brief mention of suicide and “cranial liberation of the pineal gland” i guess?#my brain needs a warning label #things i am doing instead of what my few patreons are still patiently paying me for #i ❤️u but i must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul #it's in script format but it's almost 40 pages at this point #sorry not sorry

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