#You are building a house of cards on mud

[metalfeather]

I forgot to bitch about this earlier but I was on Ao3 and I saw a tag that said "Ai generated text" and I'm just

What the fuck are we doing here dude

#;ooc. #You know what I'm gonna be an elitist about this. I don't think you should write if you have to rely on AI to do it for you #You're just completely missing the point of writing #Oh it's too hard? That's the point. It's blood sweat and tears #Creativity isn't an easy pursuit but it is immensely rewarding. But you can't cheat It #You have to put in the work. You have to agonize over a blank word document until it annoys the fuck out of you #You can't just put it in a machine and have it rip off a hundred different writers #You're fooling yourself above all #You are building a house of cards on mud #Anyway if you can't tell I am extremely anti Ai lmfao #Like it has its place. It can be an immensely helpful tool to HELP #but it CANNOT be the end all be all #It can't be the magic wand you wave to shortchange creativity #Creativity is made by human mind and soul #Anywayyyyyyy

[punkpandapatrixk]

🪷Sacred Lotus Within You ♦︎ Timeless Pick A Card

‘If you only do what you can do, you will never be more than what you are now.’

‘I don’t wanna be more! I like who I am.’

‘You don’t even know who you are.’

‘What do you— Of course I do; I’m the Dragon Warrior!’

‘And what exactly does that mean—Dragon Warrior?’

—  Po and Shifu’s conversation from Kung Fu Panda 3

SONG: Pure Imagination by Gene Wilder

MOVIE: Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016)

[PAC Masterlist] [Part 1] [Part 2]

[Patreon] [Paid Readings]

A hard Life is not always a divine punishment of sort⛈More often than not, the Universe’s most advanced Souls choose to be born—as Humans—into much sorrow and a perceived sense of limitation just for the joy of experiencing a personal breakthrough out of a cycle of—both—good and bad Karma🍄

Seen from a Soul’s perspective, all events in this mortal world are just drama. drama. drama~🎭It’s so exciting to co-Create massive stories with other Souls in this theatre of the Universe🎪This Play in itself, a spiritual evolution of sort for all beings of Love and Light🩰

This world is at best the dream of a Butterfly🦋Have fun; and have faith that in time all things bloom magnificently like a Sacred Lotus emerging from the mud🪷Ultimately, all of us, we bring with us only memories of our lifetimes when we are done playing our roles in this Grand Experiment of a Cosmic Drama💫

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 1 – Peace Maker

VIBE: Master Shifu asking Po to teach him inner peace

seeds of beauty in you – 10 of Pentacles Rx

Encoded in your DNA is the very gift of healing itself. You were born into this world of stupid carrying seeds of peace-making. Yup, you were the kid who was always able to tell when a grownup was lying. Like, OMG, so disrespectful…they think I can’t see through such obvious lies? In fact, too many things were obvious to you because you are gifted with a keen ability of observation. We’re talking superhuman-level observation, baby~

With that, the world around you was often terribly dull. You’re definitely the type that wants to travel and see the world for yourself. Wanting to see what other people of different nations and races, customs and cultures, even religions, have to share about what this Life is all about~ You had A LOT of questions!

Alas… You soon realised that most people’s perceptions, priorities, and overall ways of life are low-quality at best. Your interactions with people, your observations of them, gave you almost nothing but disdain. People…are not intelligent enough. But more disturbing still…people are not noble enough in their pursuits of a good Life.

In your eye, most of the time, people don’t have enough integrity, character, or personality🤷🏻‍♀️

blooming in spite of muddy water – 7 of Pentacles Rx

If you’re often distressed by the state of Humanity, it is because you possess this divine ability to pierce through bullshit and reveal the true essence of all things. You’re a deep diver. You truly are a scholar. You’re the type that seeks to bridge between differences and clashes, so that people find a common ground upon which they could build a harmonious society. You most likely have a significant placement in the 7th House or blessed with a strong Libra/Venus aenergy~⚖️

Essentially, you’ve come into this world with an almost specific purpose of bridging differences between generations. All because your Oversoul was sick of watching Humans being fools amongst themselves. So you plunged into this world of illusions in the hopes of elevating people’s spiritual intelligence. Your unique gift of observation is piercing and high-vibrational and the reason it can bridge generations is that the wisdom you will develop as a person is both universal and timeless💎

You are an Ascended Master, you know. Like Po returning to the mortal world after defeating Kai. Like Gandalf the Grey returning as Gandalf the White after defeating the Balrog. All because you’ve got shit to do in this world of stupid—your wisdom is gravely needed! I’m not teaching you to be conceited or anything, but by means of technicality, you’re not here to learn anymore; you’re here to…teach🤣

tulips of happiness – Knight of Cups

No matter your age or their age, you’re here to teach the infantile Humans about inner peace and true, everlasting, sustainable, manageable, actually reasonable sense of Harmony🌷You do that by setting an example; by first bridging confusions and calming down chaos within yourself; then you talk about the walk to anybody interested enough to listen to you🌾

In this lifetime, as an Ascended Master playing Human, there’s probably a lot of heartache you’ve needed to learn to forgive. If you’re in your early or mid-20s when reading this, you’re most likely just beginning to learn it. You don’t have to act perfectly though. Healing and forgiveness are not about being or doing perfect. It’s perfectly OK, too, not to forgive—certain cruelties in this world are simply beyond absolution, ya know?🤬

What does truly matter is that you forgive yourself. Just yourself. You can forgive the situation. You can forgive the fact you fucked your way into this or that mess. Where applicable, you can give thanks to the experience and then move on to the next thing. Be glad about the fact that you’re still alive after all of the fuckery, and that you’ve enough self-awareness, and how that self-awareness has grown you as a person. It is such a beautiful thing to have grown up in the mental and spiritual~🦉

ESSENCE OF BEING HUMAN🔻💜

the script you chose – Silver Alchemist (Ramon Llull)

path of self-transcendence – Priestess of Healing

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 – Pink Radiance

VIBE: Master Oogway sending universe mail to Li Shan

seeds of beauty in you – III The Empress Rx

Oooh~ You’re pretty~ That much I can tell🙊You probably are blessed with some significant Aries, Aquarius, or any Cardinal aenergy in your birth chart; could also have Venus/Moon in the 1st or 11th House~ And do you know why you’re bestowed with an outer appearance that’s easily considered attractive in this realm? Because you’re meant to have an audience🎙

You’re meant to be heard; to have a platform and be some sort of a leader. And since being pretty in this world brings a lot of privileges, your Soul chose to be born with this specific setting in your birth chart wHoA~ A pretty face gets attention more effortlessly and that’s just how it is with this world~🙈

So, you see that there’s meaning in having some forms of privilege whether it’s your face or your family/economic background, or even heritage or some special lineage thing going on in your Life🎰And yet, it seems you could’ve been blind to all this ‘upper hand’ and not see much value in your existence.

None of this has felt all that special…well, because you were born with it. It’s not special; it’s normal to you; and you definitely want to feel special…not really grasping others would kill to have what you were born with…🐞

blooming in spite of muddy water – XVI The Tower

In spite of all of the privileges that seem obvious and enviable to others, you yourself have not felt all that blessed most of your Life. There is this thing that people don’t understand about you: EXPECTAFUCKINTION. Expectation could kill, depending on situation, and depending on where you are in Life. In many ways, you haven’t really ever felt FREE in your beingness. You don’t really know how FREE truly would feel like. You can imagine it, but you don’t really know if that’s even real🤷🏻‍♀️

Whether it’s status, prestige, or simply beauty, sometimes you’ve felt victimised by the very things other people wish they had. They literally don’t know how suffocating it is to be wearing your crown~ You often feel like you don’t have autonomy over your own Life. In some instances, you may even have experienced your autonomy getting violated. And it’s so heartbreaking.

At some point in Life, you will suddenly and gradually lose access to all of these beauties and privileges, maybe even some of your talents, babe. All these things that came ever so naturally to you, once you’ve lost ‘em, you will die in spirit, and be reborn with a renewed sense of appreciation for the fact you have always, ALWAYS, been extraordinary👿

tulips of happiness – King of Swords

Whether you are a girl or a boy or straight or gay or whatever, you are an ally of the world’s Divine Feminine aenergy. Do not worry about losing your glory; it will aaalll come back stronger and sparklier once you’ve graduated the University of Hell a.k.a Saturn Return🪐

It is part of your Soul’s Blueprint to experience losing privileges, perhaps money, talents, friends, freedom, hair, weight, and everything else, momentarily. This period of your Life—whether it’s your first or second Saturn Return—can be likened to a pregnant woman who’s now restricted from drinking, eating, doing, or even being near certain things. She’s not so free, but for all the right reasons; she’s protecting her foetus.

This Saturn Return period of your Life where you’re experiencing losing yourself is like a pregnancy where you’re gestating a newer, stronger, clearer, more confident version of yourself. The restrictions put around you are meant to suffocate you further, enough for you to want a breakthrough. All so you can become a pure Pink Radiance of a miracle this miserable world needs, for that is your purpose for being born🌷

Shine on, Pink Diamond~

ESSENCE OF BEING HUMAN🔻💗

the script you chose – Green Historian (Herodotus)

path of self-transcendence – Priestess of Prosperity

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 – Magic Worker

VIBE: Po teaching the tribe to be THEMSELVES

seeds of beauty in you – 9 of Cups Rx

Within you are seeds of a luxurious lifestyle that you ought to nurture slowly throughout the course of your Life. You may have come from a background of lack just to make this whole scenario more exciting (to us as Souls contrasts are exceedingly attractive when thinking of a spiritual breakthrough). With that, you could’ve grown up with lots of daydreaming about feeling fulfilled—emotionally fulfilled.

Though you may have daydreamed about luxurious environments and things and situations, at the core of everything, all you yearn for is a feeling of safety; stability; of having just enough…of being enough, in fact…all because you weren’t emotionally nurtured as a child. You were the kid who were neglected by everybody, both the adults and your peers.

You felt unseen most of your Life. But even those who acted like they saw you, somehow the view was inaccurate. You felt this way because you didn’t understand yourself either. Children learn about themselves through the feedback of their environment; so the ones who were mostly neglected…how could such children even begin to learn to comprehend their identity?

Because you didn’t really understand yourself, it was difficult to manifest properly. In your psyche, there are way too many threads of wishes that are tangled up, causing you to manifest clashing Realities…and then disappoint you…

blooming in spite of muddy water – XXI The World

The reason for this difficulty is that you needed to learn and discover for yourself the true Essence of being alive. You are essentially God’s messenger to help Humans overcome their addiction to material possessions. Omaigosh if you know how TikTok shopping culture is making people poorer and more miserable in the emotional, I’m sure this will ring a bell in your Soul Memory.

People who grew up poor are the main target of evil marketing because they crave that feeling of ‘having’. Sometimes, it’s a feeling of having things—trendy things; some other times, it’s a feeling of having friends—cool friends; and some tragical times, of having someone to love—which usually only translates to ONS or casual hookups without any real emotional connection.

Anyway, back to talking about material possessions though, there’s this:

‘Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.’ – George Carlin

This, is a concept, a Reality, you’ve needed to learn and fully comprehend, and then unravel by means of your personal spiritual transformation. That way you can be an example and a guide to others. Reminiscent of Uncle George himself, you’re somebody who holds an Elder Archetype aenergy about you. You’re ‘worldly’ in the sense that you’re based, well-thinking, and most of all, you can embrace perspectives that are UNIQUE. You’re able to hold a knowledge that encompasses the whole of the Universe itself.

tulips of happiness – 4 of Pentacles

In a sense, know that you are a born leader. Though I sense, you may be more interested in being a thought leader🧠You don’t seem that interested in leading an envoy or a movement of any sort hahaha You’re a loner; you like being in your own company. After all, people are stupid and it’s exhausting to have to interact with them. And that’s all fine~

In the future, when everything’s said and done, you’ll meet your Soul Tribe—people who are just as weird, misunderstood, deep, sombre (probably), wholesome, complex, and loyal such as yourself🫀Your Spirit Guides are really saying: it’s perfectly fine for you not to extend too much compassion for those who aren’t worth your while; hoping you’d calm down some clashing ideas about your personality.

It sounds cruel? No, really; not everybody is worth paying attention to or share affection with. If you do that you’re only going to be sucked dry of Life Force. It’s a similar principal with money spending. Just because you see a lot of items being displayed with attractive, persuasive DISCOUNT signs, doesn’t mean you have to give your attention, or money least of all, to ALL of that. Got it?🤪

‘Even if something is on discount, if you don’t need it, it’s too expensive.’ – Love Marie Escudero’s husband, Govt. Chiz

ESSENCE OF BEING HUMAN🔻🧡

the script you chose – Green Physician (Paracelsus)

path of self-transcendence – Priestess of Intuition

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

[PAC Masterlist] [Part 1] [Part 2]

[Patreon] [Paid Readings]

#Punk Panda Pick A Pic #sacred lotus #pick a card #pick a card reading #tarot pick a card #pac #pac reading #tarot pac #future spouse #astroblr #tarotblr #writblr #witchblr #witchythings #spirituality #spiritualhealing #divine feminine #divine masculine #lightworker #starseed

[astarions-darling]

The Devil's Game Raphael x FemTav Chapter One

Regency AU tags/warnings: no warnings yet. everyone is human. full of cliches :) words: 2323 read on ao3 via source

Miss Tav Larian fears she is running out of options. She cannot let her horrible Auntie Ethel force her to marry the Emperor—her distant cousin who has inherited Tav’s father’s title and estate. But there is no escape…her aunt controls all her inheritance until she either marries or turns five-and-twenty. She cannot wait that long… she has no time and nobody else will marry Tav—Auntie has seen to that.

She has no choice. A desperate plan has Tav sneaking into the House of Hope, the most notorious gaming hell in all of Faerûn, to take a chance at playing cards and winning enough money to escape her Aunt’s clutches.

But can she win the Devil’s game?

It’s Mills and Boon time, lads.

This story, while silly, contains spoilers for the game - mostly the Emperor and who he is.

Everyone is human in this story! But if you want to picture the Emperor as a mind flayer amongst a bunch of humans, go for it. Raphael and Haarlep are half brothers in this story so their relationship is much different to in game. It works better for me plot-wise.

This is also vaguely regency as it’s not historically correct by any means! It’s a world of its own, I suppose. Also I had to give Tav a surname and well…Larian seemed appropriate haha It sounds fancy!

Tav slinked across the wet cobblestones, trying to keep her dress from dragging across the ground—the edges were already wet. A barouche came around the corner at speed and nearly splattered her with mud but she quickly plastered herself against the stone wall of a nearby building. She held herself there a moment, breathing fast as she watched the carriage disappear down the street. Carefully she grabbed the skirts of her dress and continued down the dark street.

The thought of having to explain to Auntie Ethel how she’d ruined her dress was not something she wished to contemplate—she’d probably be locked in her room for a week as punishment if the old hag knew she’d damaged her clothes. Tav didn’t dare entertain the idea of what her aunt would do knowing how Tav had come to get her clothes in such a state. The young woman paused and shuddered at the mere thought. But Auntie Ethel would not discover this insubordination, Tav told herself, as she tried to keep hidden in the darkness of a nearby mass of shrubbery. She glanced down the street and took in the looming building that lay at the end of it.

The monstrous mansion that glittered impressively amidst the lit lanterns of the street was her destination. Even from this distance, Tav could see that the large windows in the building had most of the drapes drawn, but within the ones that were open, they flickered with candlelight and it was possible to catch a moment of movement as silhouettes passed by dreamily. It looked so inviting, so completely enchanting in the moonlight. But while Tav may not have grown up in the city proper, she knew enough that the look of this grand house was entirely deceiving.

Everyone knew about the gambling hell that was the House of Hope, not that anyone would admit to such profane knowledge. And certainly, nobody would let slip they had been there. It was the sort of place people whispered about in dark alcoves or behind their fans if they dared to mention it at all. Usually only the very wealthy or the peerage were allowed in, it was notorious for its selective entry and the things that went on inside...Tav was sure half of the rumours she’d heard about the wretched place had to be false. That had to be one of the only perks to living with Lady Ethel Pearl—that woman seemed to know everything and collected secrets like a squirrel hoarding nuts.

The building itself managed to sit along the bank between the lower and upper city of Baldur’s Gate; easy for those of little standing to be swallowed by and ostentatious enough for the worst kind of the upper class to dare set foot in. Tav knew that If you saw someone you knew in the House of Hope, you did not acknowledge it. You were there to play cards or engage in a game lanceboard, perhaps have a drink. That was all.

Tav watched another carriage trot by, this one at a more measurable pace, the hooves clattering happily against the cobbled street as she steadied her breathing. Her blood thrummed with nervous anticipation at the sight of the gambling hell. You had to be welcomed into the House and her plan to sneak in would surely not be met with any enthusiasm should she be caught. It was no place for a lady—though Tav had heard rumours about Lady Mizora frequenting it. Not that Lady Mizora had a care of being snubbed and was certainly wealthy enough to afford to not give a fig about the opinion of the ton. While Tav may not have been a lady, she had been the daughter of an Earl, before her father had passed. Her family name did mean something and it would damage her to be found in such an establishment. Her ruined reputation would be nothing more than leverage for Auntie Ethel.

Tav sucked in a deep breath through her nose and her eyes glazed over a moment at the thought of her father and the wretched woman he’d entrusted to care for his only child. It felt like she’d been trapped with Auntie Ethel forever. The woman wasn’t even her real aunt, she was her father’s cousin. Tav cursed the day that hag had appeared on their doorstep in the guise of helping her father through his long illness.

Poor Papa.

The street she’d been slinking down turned into a small alley, the end of which her destination glittered. She walked down it carefully, the uneven cobblestones wet beneath her feet. The small amount of gold she had secreted away felt heavy in her reticule as she navigated her way towards the House of Hope. It was not a lot of money, but it would be enough to play a few games of cards inside the house. So many years of playing with Auntie had taught Tav a lot about cards, especially because the old hag had a tendency to cheat. She felt she had a good chance at winning…it was her only chance.

Tav had heard that the Devil enjoyed having many of the high society deep in his pockets and the potential to win enough gold to leave Ethel behind was possible. The proprietor of the hell did not care so much who you were, as long as you had gold…or something of worth to offer if he had already emptied your coffers. He must have a name, Tav supposed as she walked down the alley, but she had only heard him referred to as the Devil.

“Eh, lass, whatcha doing ‘ere all by yourselves?”

The slurred voice startled Tav from her thoughts and she found herself in front of a short, elderly gentleman with a face like a walrus who had appeared out of the darkness. He belched loudly and Tav took a step back as he stumbled, an empty bottle held loosely in his hands before it clattered to the ground and rolled away.

“Young ladies shouldn’t be about all by ‘emselves.”

The man belched again and Tav tried to sidestep him but he grabbed at her cloak, his body swaying with the motion.

“Unhand me,” Tav demanded in the most direct voice she could muster. The man didn’t seem to be much of a threat. He had a melancholic air about him that had her add with a much gentler tone, “Please, sir, I must be going.”

The man peered up at her, his blue eyes bloodshot as if he’d been crying.

“Don’t go there, miss,” he said in a whisper, his eyes darting toward the House of Hope in the distance. “The Devil don’t take nothing.” He tugged on her cloak again and Tav feared the fabric would rip. “He don’t take nothing you ain’t giving. And he’ll make you gives everything you got.”

She managed to pry his grip off of her cloak and quickly hurried away, trying to ignore the prickling feeling at the back of her neck. She made it out of the alley, the cool evening air clinging to her fingers as a low mist settled itself in for the long night. The streets were bustling in this part of the city, though it always felt like Baldur’s Gate was never asleep no matter the time of day. In this busy crossing the streets were full and so she watched as people, some trying to be inconspicuous and some without a care, broke free from the flow of foot traffic to walk through the large open gate of the House of Hope and up to the front door. It was easier to blend in here, with so many people about—nobody was paying her any attention.

Tav knew she wouldn’t be able to get in through the Devil’s front door without an invitation. The large door was flanked by two guards, both looking burly and bored with their trollish appearance. As each new person approached, their name was checked on a ledger before being let in through the large and overly gilded doors. A glimpse of red velvet and glittering candelabras were seen before the doors closed once more. A moment later the doors opened again and Tav watched the guards hurl a man down the marble stairs and into a puddle left from the evening rain. Clearly, his name had not been on the list.

She knew there would be no ‘Miss Tav Larian’ on that list and so she had planned on how to gain entry. For several days she had perused the building on her walks. This wasn’t a bad place for a young lady to walk during the day, and she was never alone—her aunt had her accompanied by her personal maid, Mayrina, at nearly every waking moment.

But luckily for Tav, Mayrina was an utter goosecap. It was easy to persuade the girl to walk around these surrounding streets of the House of Hope on Tav’s daily walk and claim to be enjoying the architecture and surrounding gardens. All the while, Tav was taking note of the servant's entrance at the back of the mansion and how many people in service there appeared to be. She’d seen a few maids and footmen milling about; preparing horses, bringing in fresh food and loads of baskets filled with sheets.

So now it was easy to slip around the side of the building, searching for the servant's entrance she knew was there. When she spotted the open iron gate, she hurried through and was relieved to see nobody else. Quickly, she pulled off her cloak and hid it behind a nearby statue of an ugly-looking imp. She smoothed her dress down—she’d stolen a long apron from Mayrina and had tied it over her day dress—and fixed the pins in her neatly styled hair and put on the cap she’d also stolen from the maid. Her dress certainly was not the right sort of dress for a maid but with the apron and cap, she didn’t think anyone would notice her dress too much. Auntie was always talking about servants and how they were never noticed. Tav could never understand how Mayrina bore working for her.

“You can do this,” she whispered to herself, clutching her reticule tightly. 

It was with a sort of disappointed relief that she found the servant entrance door unlocked. If it had been locked, she could have told herself she had tried and then simply go home. But there was nothing stopping her now. She darted in quickly and waited for the inevitable shout from someone demanding who she was, but none came. There was a young man lounging nearby, idly smoking a grimy looking cigarette. He hastily put it out and looked at Tav with a guilty expression.

“Er, please, don’t tell Korrilla,” he said. “I just needed a quick break.”

Tav raised her chin. “I won’t say anything.” 

The man smiled with relief at her words and Tav tried not to run through the hallway. She passed a few others maids who nodded at her and she returned the greetings. Nobody had said anything! She could barely believe her luck so far, but she did not dare test it. When she came to a set of stairs she quickly ascended until she came to a door which opened with ease as she turned the handle. Creeping through, she found herself on a lushly carpeted floor that was empty of anyone else. Music and laughter greeted her and as she slinked further she realised she had come upon a mezzanine floor. Slowly, she walked forward and peered over the gold balustrade and down below. It was full of people! There were so many tables set up for all different kinds of card games and waiters were walking around with trays laden with champagne. It was like the most raucous soiree Tav had ever seen. She could even spy some men and women lounging together on a settee, sitting far too close than was proper and laughing as they clinked their drinks. Tav’s heart raced when she saw one man slide a hand so effortlessly under one lady's skirt—the woman didn’t even budge! She just laughed again, the feather in her hair swaying hypnotically before she gracefully stood and gestured for the man to follow. Tav watched them as they both drifted off together, arms intertwined, toward a large staircase.

Tav ducked back as the music from below swelled, and in the distance, a champagne cork popped. She’d spotted the cribbage card table and all she had to do was get down there and act like she belonged. 

Easy.

The couple had reached the top of the stairs and Tav watched as they disappeared behind a set of closed doors. She closed her eyes and prayed to any god that may hear her plight and possibly offer guidance. With nothing left to do but either flee or continue with this madness, she steadied her resolve and started to head for the large staircase. Her heart was racing. As soon as she reached the top of the staircase she would remove the apron and cap before stuffing them in a nearby vase. The closer she got the more panicked she became. But she couldn’t leave now. That odious old woman was so desperate to get her to marry the new Earl—her estranged cousin who just happened to be next in line for the title and also just happened to be Ethel’s son. Sometimes Tav wondered if the old woman had poisoned her father and addled his brains to even let him think to give that hag control over Tav and her inheritance.

Too lost in trying not to cast up her supper, Tav failed to hear the door open behind her.

“A lost little mouse is running through the house…”

#bg3 fanfic #.writing #raphael x tav #baldur's gate raphael #raphael the cambion #bg3 raphael #bg3 raphael fanfic #fic: the devil's game #regency au #this is a very slow first chapter sorry! #i haven't done much writing lately as my brain has melted

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

Fandom: Shadow & Bone (TV) word count: 5,415 Whumpee: Kaz Brekker Whump tropes: explosion, human shield, self sacrifice, burns, touch aversion, unconscious, caretaking

This is my longest fic to date and frankly there could be more. This is unbeta'd cause I was too excited to get it posted to wait for anyone else to read it 😅

Gifting this to @bocularteletheric because of our shared love of Kaz whump, please enjoy ❤

Read on Ao3 or continue below~

~~~

"Are you really sure this is the best use of our time, boss? I was rather hoping to be keeping warm with a drink and a rousing conversation over a hand of cards this evening," Jesper griped for the third time.

Kaz sighed as he used the head of his cane to lift the top of a crate, glowering into it as he surveyed its contents- or lack thereof for that matter. It was the eighth crate he had opened on this particular venture and nothing of interest to show for it. The first five were partially full with various items, none of which were of any use to them. The rest of them were empty, nothing but dirt and grime from the sloppy mud road that led to the compound that the barn sat upon, nestled deep in the forest outside of the city.  

“The source I have is reliable, they said it should be here,” Kaz snapped out, letting the lid drop with a hollow thud. Dust puffed around him, tiny particles glinting in the moonlight coming in through the gaps in the wide slats of the barn wall, shooting beams across the otherwise unlit building. The moon was full and bright tonight, the use of a lantern unnecessary for getting around except for deep in the shadows. 

“And what, pray tell, did they mean by ‘it’? What are we even looking for?” Jesper turned, throwing his hands in the air.

Kaz turned and shot him a piercing glare, his brow downturned in annoyance. “You’ll know it when you see it, okay? Trust me on this.”

Jesper dropped his hands, his shoulders slouching forward as he threw his head back. “Where did Inej go anyways?”

“Checking the house and smaller out buildings. Shouldn’t be long before she joins us.”

“We’re going to be here all night, aren’t we?” 

“We’re here as long as it takes.” 

“Fine. But the next three rounds at the club are on your coin.” Jesper snapped his gloved fingers and pointed at Kaz, cocking his head and raising an eyebrow, his expression clear that this wasn’t a negotiable option.

“So be it. Check the crates in the loft would you?”

“Always gotta send someone else to the precarious heights and dangerous situations, don’t you?”

Kaz turned to him, giving a pointed look to the ladder as he tapped the corvid head of the cane against his chest.

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” Jesper took a step back as he started to turn towards the ladder.

The world seemed to focus into a pinprick for Kaz as Jesper turned, a glint of silver flashing near his ankles caught his eye as Jesper moved through the moonlight. 

“Jesper, wait!” Kaz yelled, lunging forward to grab the collar of Jespers coat, snatching him backwards before he could finish his step. He heard a faint ping as the tripwire popped apart, the scraping of metal, or was that flint on steel? He wasn’t sure, but he definitely knew the sound that followed, the crackle of burning gunpowder sputtering across the floor. He didn’t spare time to see how much time they had or where the line of powder led, instead he used the momentum of his yank on Jespers coat, propelling the gunslinger around and then shoving him forward in the other direction, away from the general direction of the gunpowder and towards the door. 

Jesper stumbled, barely able to put his feet in the right order to catch himself with the way Kaz was throwing him around. He finally caught himself and took off running, feeling like he was dragging Kaz with him as the thief kept a tight grip on his jacket collar. 

Kaz knew they weren’t going to make it. He could hear the violent reaction of the gunpowder snapping across the floor become muffled as it reached its destination. They weren’t going to make it. But he could do his best to make sure someone got out of here. 

He lunged forward, tackling Jesper around his torso,  forcing him to fall forwards so he crumpled under Kaz's weight. One hand around Jespers waist and the other over his head so he couldn’t raise it, Kaz spread himself over the gunslinger just as the world exploded behind them. 

Searing pain ripped through the back of his shoulders, the force of the explosion threw him even further and his head slammed into a support pillar of the barn. 

Everything went black and he knew no more. 

~~~

Everything hurt. 

Jesper groaned as he regained awareness. He didn’t think he had been out for long, maybe a few seconds, but the impact had been harsh. His whole body ached, squeezed into a tight ball as he was. His knees were pressed to his chest, one arm trapped underneath him where he was flopped onto his side. He could feel a weight against nearly every angle of his body, wrapped around him like a warm and heavy blanket. 

A warm breath ghosted against his neck and he tried to open his eyes, wincing as he attempted to uncurl his legs. The muscles protested but he managed to push himself to his knees. He hadn’t even realized the weight on the back of his head was a hand until it flopped to the floor, limp and wrapped in black leather.

“Kaz?” Jesper coughed as smoke made its way into his lungs, cast off from the flames licking at the rubble of the barn around them. The support beam in front of them still stood and a section of the mezzanine from above had nearly fallen on them, half of it held up by the beam so they were tucked under a dangerous lean-to. He tried to clear his throat but only managed to inhale more smoke, his eyes starting to burn as well. “Kaz, are you okay?”

He received no response to his query. He twisted around, searching for where he had felt Kaz slip off of him when he moved. He found Kaz was slumped on his side, his face lax and pale in the flickering light of the fire around them save for a shadow down the left side of his face, a shiny and dark crimson smear that started at his hairline and followed the angles of his face. Blood.

“Kaz, wake up. We gotta get out of here,” Jesper coughed again. He placed a hand under Kaz’s head, lifting his face towards him. “Kaz!” He yelled as loud as smoke infested lungs would allow, shaking him gently with no reaction.

“Alright then,” he huffed, shuffling around in the tight space so he could get behind Kaz, “You’re probably going to hate this, but let it be known that I tried to wake you up and I don’t exactly have another option, asides from leaving you here and that is not happening-”

The words died in his throat and fear bubbled up as he caught sight of Kaz’s back. His jacket was smouldering in places, flames dancing across the fine material in others. Jesper frantically tore his own jacket off and threw it over the flames, hastily slapping it down to smother the fire. He held it there for a few seconds, gasping for breath until he felt sure it would be extinguished. He cautiously removed his coat. His throat tightened and he had to clap a hand over his mouth as the contents of his stomach threatened to reappear. “Oh saints, Kaz…”

Most of the back of Kaz’s coat was gone, as were chunks of his vest and shirt, the fact he wore so many layers might have actually saved him for the most part but not enough. Wherever the clothing had burnt away were angry burns pocked with wounds that weeped blood around pieces of shrapnel buried in his flesh.

Jesper clenched his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing, he could feel his hands starting to shake and that wouldn’t help either of them right now. Lifting Kaz in any way that touched his back was out of the question so he shuffled around to his front again, grabbing his wrist instead and hauling him into a seated position, ducking his head under Kaz’s arm against his side and shouldering him in the stomach to drape the limp body across both shoulders, holding on tight to his arm and leg to keep him from falling off. 

“Thank saints you’re even lighter than you look,” he huffed as he got his feet under him, snatching Kaz’s cane from the floor before carefully standing up. 

It took time to get out, awkward as it was carrying a body over his shoulders while picking his way through rubble and fire. He was trying to inhale as little as possible, trying to keep the smoke out of his lungs, which just made them burn even worse. 

He barely made it out of the front door when the mezzanine collapsed, a burst of sparks showering around them as Jesper stumbled. He caught himself on one knee, unwilling to let go of Kaz as he tottered dangerously. Just when he thought he would lose the battle with gravity and they would both tumble to the dirt, a hand caught him around the chest, keeping  him upright. 

“Jesper!” Inej was right in front of him, he had to squint to see her. His eyes burned but he couldn’t let go of Kaz to wipe them. 

“His back,” Jesper managed to cough out, “be careful with his back.”

“Okay, put him down, I got him.” 

He felt the weight on his shoulder shift and held on tighter, panicking for a second before realizing Inej had snaked her arm under Kaz’s chest to help get him on the ground again. Once his burden was gone Jesper fell forward, catching himself on his elbows as he coughed hard enough to gag into the dirt. Every breath he managed to drag in felt like gravel in his throat, rattling through his spasming chest.

When the coughing started to abate and he managed more wheezing breaths between fits, he felt gentle hands on his back and he rested his forehead against his arm. He managed to gasp out “Kaz…”

“He is alive but in bad shape, we need to get him to a healer.”

He nodded before pushing himself back to his knees, turning so he was next to Kaz again. Inej had managed to get him on his side so his back wasn’t touching anything. Jesper avoided looking at the mess that was his back, instead focusing on his face. He was dirty with soot and blood, and a shock of hair had fallen forward onto his face, obscuring the wound and brushing against his cheek. Jesper pushed it back and rubbed his thumb over Kaz’s forehead, frowning at the lack of reaction the contact received. It was so unnatural to see his brow smooth and relaxed, unburdened by troubles.

Inej’s hand touched his elbow and he suddenly turned to her, grasping her shoulder as he inspected her. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I was in the other building.” She cleared her throat and turned her eyes down to Kaz, but Jesper could see her eyes were red. She had already thought them dead, which a look at the flaming pile of barn behind them would have been a reasonable conclusion to come to.

“We’re going to be okay,” he said. “He’s going to be okay.” He squeezed her shoulder once before letting go and pushing himself to his feet. “I’ll find the cart.”

It took him precious minutes to find the horses and the cart tied to them, spooked as they were by the violence of the explosion. He calmed them, shushing them quietly with gentle strokes. They trembled under his hands, he didn’t blame them at all because he could feel his own hands starting to shake again too. “Calm, calm. Shhhh.” He whispered, though whether he was talking just to the horses or himself too was up for debate.  

By the time he managed to lead the horses back towards where he left Inej and Kaz, Inej was back on her feet, looking like she was about to come searching for him.

“They were spooked.” He said in explanation and she nodded in response, already getting into position to assist. Between the two of them, they got Kaz into the back of the simple wooden cart that they had driven out and within minutes they were back on the road, Jesper at the reins and Inej sitting cross legged next to Kaz on the floor.

~~~

Nearly an hour later they pulled in front of the inn that they had hired a room at for the night.

“Do you know anyone in this city, Inej?” Jesper asked her quietly. 

“Not personally,” she shook her head, “but I do know there is a healer here somewhere, I will inquire.” She spared a look at Kaz before hopping out of the cart and hurrying into the inn. 

Jesper stood from the driver's seat and stepped over it, into the back of the cart to crouch behind Kaz. Inej had positioned him so he was on his side, the best they could do for his injuries with no supplies along with them. He hadn’t made a sound the entire ride back to town and that worried Jesper. He reached over him, placing a hand in front of Kaz’s face, biting down on his bottom lip and holding his own breath until he felt the faint movement of air on his hand as Kaz exhaled. 

“Once again, you’re going to hate this, and I’ll apologize about it later, but if you’re not going to get up, I’m going to have to get you upstairs somehow.”

Jesper went to his front, getting his arms under Kaz’s armpits and pulling him to a seated position before gently and awkwardly shifting him towards the back of the cart. He jumped down and slipped an arm around Kaz’s waist where the least amount of damage was. Most of the burns were across the back of his shoulders, starting just where his neck and shoulders met and growing less severe towards the bottom of his shoulder blades, spanning the entire width of his torso and down the back of his arms. 

The change in position caused Kaz’s head to flop against Jesper’s shoulder and he heard a faint groan. “Kaz?!” Jesper whispered, bringing the hand that wasn’t around his waist up to touch his face, tilting the thief’s head back so he could see. “Kaz, can you hear me?”

Kaz’s eyes fluttered open and Jesper could see how hard it must have been for him, fighting his way back to consciousness. His eyes were cloudy and he looked confused, scared even, but too weak to do anything. He didn’t seem to recognize Jesper at all.

"Pl-please," he pleaded with Jesper. His voice sounded so small and terrified. "Please, just let me go."

“It’s okay, you’re alright, I’m trying to help,” Jesper kept his voice low, trying to sound comforting. Every other comfort instinct of his had to be thrown out the window when dealing with Kaz, his hands ached to gently touch his face, to push his hair back and just touch him in a way that would bring comfort to Jesper. 

But even the arm around his waist, his head lolling against Jespers shoulder, even just being a physical support was a forbidden line that he had already crossed, it hurt him so much to see Kaz in pain and to be contributing even further to that discomfort even if his intentions were to help. 

Kaz twisted against his shoulder, trying to squirm away from Jesper. One hand came up to push against his chest and just that movement brought out a strangled cry, his eyes turned white as they rolled back in his head and he went limp in Jespers arms.

“I’m sorry,” Jesper whispered, pushing back the lock of hair that had fallen over his face.

~~~

Inej took a deep, steadying breath as she entered the pub that made up the main floor of their accommodations. Tables and chairs were scattered around, most of which were empty at this time of night, and a large counter to the right where a big man with a bushy red beard poured drinks for the handful of patrons still sitting at the bar. He nodded at Inej as she entered, recognizing her from earlier. When she approached the bar rather than turning up the narrow staircase to the rooms on the upper floor he raised an eyebrow and moved to the end of the bar to meet her.

“You seem troubled,” he said in greeting. 

She lowered her voice, not wanting to bring attention. “We are in need of a healer. Does Eleanora still reside nearby?”

He gave a curt nod, rubbing his hands with a towel. “She does, not far. I will send my son to retrieve her and bring her to your room. There is an entrance to the rooms from the back if you’d rather privacy from prying eyes.”

She dipped her head in thanks before slipping out the door again, where she found Jesper had Kaz sitting more or less upright on the back of the cart, ready to drape the thief over his shoulders again. She whirled around as the door slammed behind her, a young boy with red hair stumbling over his own feet as he looked at them, his wide eyes catching on the unconscious man that Jesper supported. He gave Inej the same curt nod that the innkeeper had and took off down the street. 

“Around back, let’s get him upstairs.”

The back stairs were even narrower than the ones from the front which made progress slow and awkward. Jesper supported most of Kaz's lanky form while Inej climbed the stairs behind them. Jesper doubted she could catch both of them if he slipped and they fell backwards onto her, but he trusted she would catch Kaz so he wasn't injured any further at least. 

By the time they made it to the room, Inej heard a commotion at the bottom of the steps and the red headed boy came bounding up the stairs. "Mz. Eleanora is coming, she wasn't far behind me."

Inej nodded in thanks and shut the door as he tried to crane his neck to see around her. A boy his age didn't need to see the bloody wounds that marred Kaz's flesh.

Jesper was standing in the middle of the room with Kaz more or less standing with him, holding him up with arms under Kaz's armpits and letting him slump against Jespers chest.

"She's going to want to see the wounds, we need to get his clothes off. Use one of your knives, cut it off. His jacket's a loss anyways."

Jesper could only stand and hold Kaz upright while watching as Inej carefully slipped her blade under the fabric, slicing through the back of the collar and moving towards the sleeves. Every cut was an attempt to keep fabric from touching skin in the removal process.

He felt it moments before Kaz started to come around again, every muscle in his body going tense as a groan hissed out from between clenched teeth. His forehead was resting against Jespers collarbone but when the gunslinger looked down he could see ropey muscles flexing around the sharp angle of his jaw. 

"Inej stop," he warned moments before Kaz suddenly threw himself backwards, a mad scramble to get out of Jespers arms, to get away from the hands touching his body. 

"Kaz, it's me! It's Jesper, it's ok, I've got you," Jesper rambled, trying to keep his voice as calm and comforting as possible, which was difficult as the other man struggled against him. "Inej is here too, we're trying to help."

Inej smartly didn't try touching him, standing back and tucking her blade away again. She had cut away enough fabric already that they would be able to remove his top without issue, but she didn’t dare try to take any of his clothing while he was already panicking.

"Kaz, you need to calm down, you're hurt," Jesper said.

"Let go of me," Kaz whimpered. His hands curled towards his own throat to keep from touching Jesper and he pushed outwards with his elbows, trying to leverage Jespers hands off of him.

Inej threw the scratchy quilt off of one of the beds, revealing the relatively soft bed sheets underneath and frantically waved at Jesper to set the injured man down. The beds were not much more than a metal frame with a latticework of straps that supported a thin mattress, not the most comfortable of beds but fine for a night or two when needed.

It took effort, their boss was gangly but stronger than he looked and he fought hard, especially when injured and afraid. His eyes remained closed as he writhed in Jesper’s arms, frantically trying to push away from him even as his legs refused to bear his own weight, the only barely conscious thought being the need to get the hands off.

“Kaz, please!” Jesper cried out, flinching as gloved hands scrabbled against his face, blindly searching for something to grasp, whether that would be his eyes, hair, or throat, whichever they found first.

He tried to keep moving Kaz towards the cot while being weakly assaulted, determined to not drop Kaz right there in the middle of the floor. 

In the struggle he didn’t hear the door open behind him until he felt a slight thrum in the air and someone quietly commanded “sleep” right beside him, a hand reaching around his shoulder, one slender finger gently tapped Kaz in the middle of his forehead. Jespers stomach turned as for the second time that night he watched Kaz’s eyes roll back in his head and he fell bonelessly limp into Jespers arms, almost slipping completely out of them before Jesper tightened his grip.

Inej was there in a flash to help support the injured man, one of her blades glinting in the light as she resumed the task of removing the burnt and bloodied clothing. A couple quick and efficient slices and they were able to pull the material away from his back and arms, the ruined clothing being left in a pile on the floor to be dealt with later. 

“Get him on the bed.”

With a grunt Jesper managed to shuffle the last couple steps towards the bed and gingerly lowered Kaz onto the sheets, Inej slipping in beside him to support Kaz's head as it flopped off of Jespers shoulder. Together they positioned him on his front, Inej moving the pillow away so he wasn't stifled by it and wedging it under one of his arms. 

They barely had him situated before the healer, Eleanora, was there, her skirts puffing out as she sank to her knees at the side of the bed and summoning her powers with a twist of her hands. She lightly traced around the edges of the angry and blistering skin. 

“There is a lot of damage,” Eleanora said quietly. “I will need one of you to help remove this shrapnel before I can work on everything.”

Inej glanced at Jesper, already knowing he likely wouldn’t be able to stomach it. He stood frozen next to the foot of the bed, one hand on his hip and the other clamped aggressively over his mouth. There was a sickly pallor to his skin and his thumb and forefinger were pressed hard into the spaces below his cheekbones. It was like he couldn’t tear his eyes off of Kaz.

She touched his elbow, startling him out of his trance and he gasped, his hand breaking away from his face to latch onto her shoulder. She kept her hand on his arm, squeezing it gently. 

“Sit down. Before you fall down.” She said, guiding him to the bed next to Kaz’s. The cots were close enough to each other that if the two men sat across from each other their knees would be touching.

He flopped onto it, bracing his elbows against his knees and resolutely determined not to look anywhere but at Kaz’s face as the other two worked on his back. 

Inej perched herself on the edge of the bed, trying to leave a space between Kaz’s hip and her own. She already felt guilty for all the times they have had to touch Kaz without him being able to consent, and she knew he wouldn’t have even if he was consciously able to do so. 

She tried to keep from thinking about that as she started plucking out the pieces of shrapnel, mostly slivers of wood from the crates, barrels, and barn that had surrounded them when the blast occurred. There were a lot more than she had been expecting, a variety of sizes. She dropped them on the floor by her feet as she worked, another thing to clean up later. 

There were two bigger pieces near his right shoulder blade that each began to splinter as she tried to pull on them, threatening to leave part of themselves behind in his flesh if she wasn't careful. She winced before pulling out one of her blades yet again, using the sharp tip to make the hole in his skin just a bit bigger in order to get every sliver of the wood out. 

She glanced up at Eleanora, who nodded in approval with her lips pressed tight together before she focused her attention on those newly bleeding wounds. 

“He’s hurting.”

Inej looked at Jesper in surprise when he spoke, so quietly she didn’t catch what he said. “What?”

“He’s in pain, look at him.” Jesper gestured towards Kaz’s face.

He was right. Kaz’s face was twisted into a deep grimace, his jaw tight and sweat starting to bead on his brow. The hand upon the pillow that was wedged under his arm was clenched tightly, grasping the edge of the pillow in a death grip.

“The wounds are significant,” Eleanora said, not taking her eyes or hands away from the task at hand. The smaller injuries that had marred the backs of his arms were already back to a healthy pink. “Some of these burns are severe enough he may not  even feel them, but as I heal them the sensation may return. It’ll feel worse before it feels better.”

Inej felt her breath catch in her throat at the same time Jesper choked on a sob. She grasped his knee and immediately his hand was on top of hers, desperately holding onto her. 

“He would hate this. He hates being touched, it’s like a visceral reaction whenever someone so much as accidentally bumps against him.” Jesper started to ramble, unable to keep his mouth shut in his own distress. “Even as friends he doesn’t let us touch him.”

Eleanora looked between them, noticing now how neither of them had laid hands on him since getting him onto the bed. Even removing the shrapnel Inej had been so careful to avoid touching him, only using the tip of her blade when necessary. Eleanora pulled her hands back slightly, leaving an air gap between her fingers and his skin. 

“I didn’t know, thank you for telling me. It’s not necessary for me to make contact when healing but some people find it comforting.”

Inej nodded and smiled at Eleanora, understanding where she was coming from but grateful for her accommodating his needs. With the shrapnel removed, she tucked her blade away and slipped off the cot and onto the other next to Jesper, carefully looking him over to see if there were any injuries he hadn’t fessed up to yet. He seemed visibly shaken but otherwise fine. He had a couple coughing fits on the way back into town but she hadn't heard anything more in a while. His eyes were locked on Kaz’s face still, watching him like a hawk for any sign of awareness. 

His breath caught for a moment as Kaz’s eyelids fluttered. “Kaz?”

Kaz whimpered in response, slow and painstakingly opening his eyes just a tiny amount. He blinked at them, his eyes hazy and clouded with pain. Inej reached out and placed her hand on the mattress right near his hand, just in front of his face where he looked slightly confused at it before focusing on his companions' faces again. 

“Oh saints, his head,” Jesper whispered, reaching out and hovering his hand over the area where blood had been seeping out along his hairline. Crimson still encrusted the side of his head where it had dried what felt like hours ago, now pressed into the sheets with how his head was positioned. 

Eleanora shifted her attention there for a minute, making motions as if she was pushing her magic into Kaz’s skull. As the wound sealed up, Jesper and Inej could see when he fully came aware, his eyes clearing slightly. He was still tense with pain, but the confusion when he looked at them was gone at least, replaced with recognition as he looked up at his Crows watching over him. 

~~~

He hadn’t expected to wake up again. But when Kaz came back to awareness, he wasn’t sure that he even wanted to. 

Every nerve in his back screamed as though the fire still burned upon it, the pain causing muscles to tense and spasm against his will and amplifying it, resulting in a never ending spiral of call and response of torment. 

Something slipped into his head, an odd sensation of a chill inside his skull and it was like he had awoken with his eyes already open, as though he had already been awake but not aware of being awake for a moment or two. 

As his eyes came into focus he could see white sheets that were pressed against his cheek. Right in front of his face he found Inej’s hand and he focused his gaze to travel up her arm, to her face set in a mask of barely concealed concern. Next to her sat Jesper, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, not even trying to disguise his concern. Jespers lips twitched into a sad smile that didn’t reach his watery eyes.

Kaz’s hands ached, clenched tightly as they were but he recognized the familiar feeling of the soft leather that hugged them, grateful that they hadn’t been removed. He could tell the layers of clothing he wore like an armour around his torso were gone though.

That chilled sensation that brought back his awareness now traced over his back, momentarily cutting a trail of relief through the searing pain. The pain was so great that the relief was often short lived, but it never stopped moving, skimming along the edges of areas that just felt like… nothing. 

He took a deep breath, which caught in his throat for a moment as the movement of his rib cage pulled on muscles that protested vehemently and he had to close his eyes against the pain. When he opened them again, Inej had shifted off of the other bed and knelt on the floor to be closer to him. Her hand never moved from the edge of the bed, not moving any closer, which he knew she wouldn’t. 

Slowly, he relaxed his hand, letting go of what he realized was a pillow that he had been holding so tightly to and reached for the edge of the mattress, curling his fingers around it mere centimeters away from Inej’s hand. Close, but not touching. 

He felt at peace in that moment. Knowing two of his most cherished Crows were with him, watching over him. Trust didn’t come easy for him, but if there were any two people he could rely on, it would be Inej and Jesper.

The pain flared up again and his whole body tensed, once again amplifying everything. His hand clenched and he wound up with a fistful of bed sheets, his eyes screwing shut with a strangled whimper. 

He vaguely heard Jesper begging someone to do something, he’s in pain, though Kaz couldn’t say who he had spoken to. 

He didn’t have an opportunity to find out as the cold sensation returned to his head, and with a brief burst of relief he succumbed to the black again.

#here's a thing i wrote #shadow and bone fanfic #whump #kaz brekker whump #whump fic

[holylottie]

aching bones, aching teeth [05]

masterlist [socials and TW's]

PAIRING — Lottie Matthews x fem!reader

CHAPTER SINOPSIS — A reunion ball takes place on your old school. A reunion of memories burn your mind.

NOTE — english is not my first language, I apologize for any mistakes you might find. Please read the tw's first! Thank you for reading :)

2021

— So, what does it say? 

You asked, looking at the cards in front of you. Only one could be read clearly from where you stood: XXI the world; The others weren’t very readable, but you could recognize a knight in one of them.

You were never one to believe in other things rather than God, but you needed a signal, it didn’t matter where it came from.

In the past, it would come with pretty lips and bangs, nowadays you had to contempt yourself with cards. 

— The world usually means a completion of cycle, a chance to inspire others with what you’ve learned, however, your card is on reverse, which means you haven’t truly accepted the end of it yet. You are stuck.

You put on a facade, feeling your stomach start to boil with anger. Not over the tarot lady, but at yourself, at the truth. 

Stupid plane, stupid game. Stupid heart that didn't know when to stop loving and when to start thinking. 

You couldn't even watch a football game without balling your eyes out, how embarrassing was that? 

— The eight of wands is about action and accomplishment, it talks about coming to terms with transformation of one’s own relocation or even, well, sexuality… — she keeps going, like she hadn't filled your mind with questions and worries — Now, the knight of swords… I can see you went through really hard conflicts — externally and internally — but this says for you to keep going, to maintain your pace: things will run smoothly as long as you keep going.

Keep going? Isn't that what you had been doing over the past years? Just surviving without exactly living? 

You had never left the woods, not truly. Your mind was still in that cabin, your heart was still buried five feet deep in that mud, your soul was locked within the trees.

You were more lost in society than you were in that desert of hope.

— So, you have loved her for thirty eight years?

The madam needs to hold out her surprised face, perhaps even a mock disbelieving giggle after hearing your confession.

— No, we've met thirty eight years ago — you correct her, shaking your head — I've loved her my whole life, I just wasn't aware of it yet… but she was there, on the lucky coin on the ground to the kind words of strangers and being at the right place on the right time. She has always been there. 

When you arrived at your house, it was more silent than normal. 

You took a deep breath, going to your room to take a warm bath. 

Your problem was your simplicity: to love Lottie was as simple as your lungs working, automatic. Well, automatic until you remembered it, then you got too self conscious and the Lottie-oxygen was ripped off you.

You stared at the dollhouse on the corner of your (filled with trinkets and blankets) room, frowning when you realized four dolls together. It wasn't exactly surprising, you've caught Misty and Natalie's doll together a couple of times, the same with the little Shauna and Taissa, but the four of them? Oh, that was different.

You looked at the clock. Strange. It wasn't very common for them to be so on time, but you wondered if things had changed. 

Yes, perhaps they weren't the ones you've once known. 

After the bath, you get yourself ready with an outfit you've picked three weeks ago, when the reunion ball had been announced. Twenty five years later. Twenty five. 

A whole life. 

You call a taxi, and you get to the school.

However, you stood in front of the building, unable to move, whether to enter or to leave. You just stood there, with a lost sight and aching heart. 

An empty cage of flesh staring at the past.

It wasn't long till you found yourself in some company. 

Natalie stared at you with those indifferent eyes of her, you wondered which one of your sins she was undressing. 

— You saved me once, then tried to kill me.

Her voice was low, heavy on your ears as she smoked a cigarette.

— Well, don't be so upset, you're not special… — you giggle, nervous and anxious about the interaction, perhaps even embarrassed — I've done the same with Shauna. 

— yeah, but it's different, you and I, it was different, — Nat shakes her head, not able to look you in the eye — we were truly friends. 

— I'm sorry for upsetting you, Nat.

She giggles lowly.

— That's different than apologizing for doing it, — her eyes now are on you, angry — you can't even bring yourself to say it, can you?

You take a deep breath, looking at the floor like it has all the answers.

— I ask for your forgiveness like I ask God's one. — she waited for the “but” — I won't lie while trying to redeem myself, I cannot be sorry about anything I've done on her will. 

Not even the devil had fallen as hard as you. 

1996

You hold the meat on your palm, the blood running down your hands like red gloves, you have tears in your eyes, streaming down your face as you sob quietly. You didn't mind being the cook, having to be the one to take out the animal from the meat —be the one responsible for the others feeling a little bit more normal about the nerves and feet on their tongues. They could pretend they didn't know where it came from. 

But you? You could never not remember the eyes of the rabbits, and the cheek of the deer.  

However, you did mind today's date: you were supposed to be at the stage, dancing under the spotlight, waiting for Lottie backstage, waiting for her to give you a bouquet of flowers.

You wonder who got your solo — you wonder if you will ever be in the center of people's eyes again. 

Lottie was watching you from inside the cabin, staring at you with care, her head resting on the window. She wished she could open a hole on time and freeze you two there together, perhaps in that way your worries of the future, present and past wouldn't cloud your happiness. 

She wished she could morph her body into a wood platform and give herself for you to shine. She would make everybody in that cabin stop what they were doing to watch you, she would make sure everyone would clap at the end and smile during it. 

But she couldn't, she couldn't make you dance when all you were thinking was how hungry everybody was, how soon it would all get to an end. You never said it, of course, too gentle and kind to confess your loss of hope, but Charlotte knew. She always knew. 

And she needed to do something for you. 

Something to change what she had seen —not your dance, but you in her visions.

You on a plate. 

When Lottie got closer to you, you first felt the touch of her hands on yours.

When Lottie smiled, you felt your heart explode into a thousand needles.

When Lottie got even closer, with her lips shaking, you felt like you could ascend to heaven for being known by an angel.

And when she kissed you, everything sang. You felt like her lips could end wars — but, who knows, perhaps start then too. There wouldn’t be enough warriors for all the Troy’s she would make fall under her touch. 

If beauty had been born in the ocean with Aphrodite, under Lottie’s touch Venus had been reborn.

You would put your own blood on the cabin's door to save Lottie from her own sins — you weren’t sure what you would do to save yourself, but you weren’t able to think about it that much: there were thousands of screams in your ears. 

Had you already been sent to hell?

— Breath, Lottie, it’s okay.

You stood silent while holding your hands on the girl’s ears, trying your best to mute Van’s screams. You turn your head around, not able to look at Charlotte’s hurt expression. Your eyes meet Jackie’s and you two share an understanding look. 

Your heart ached for Van —she had done what you would've done too: follow your heart to the depths of the woods.

You put Lottie’s head on your shoulder, hugging her tightly and, when the screams ceased, you stared at her again, taking a deep breath. 

God would make a fifth hell if he knew how sinful you were; if he knew how your only true devotion was to Lottie’s soul.

You didn’t mind it though — nothing could be warmer than her embrace.

You came back from Misty, bathroom time, the trees in the walk there had ripen a piece of your dress that you instantly tied to cover.

But Charlotte saw, she looked at your scraped knees, almost in living flesh. 

— applepie... What have you done? 

Both your eyes widened — one in surprise, the other in fear. 

— I mortified. 

— I know what it is, what I want to know is why. 

You didn't have the courage to look her in the eye, you barely had the courage to stand up, to stand in the sight of your best friend. 

— I, I...

— You don't even have the courage to admit it, because you know you shouldn't. It's different with us, don't you realize? You're not afraid, you're not afraid because you know you're not wrong, or do you think we're wrong? Do you think we should suffer and die just because we love someone different than what is expected? 

Charlotte's questions went on and on, Your head began to spin, you felt dizzy, your stomach in your throat, your heart devastated. 

— No! I don't think we should die, that's the problem, Charlotte! —you shouted back, thick tears streaming down your face, your hands shaking from the adrenaline rush in your body — That's the problem, I can't think it's wrong... I can even make a mistake, then I ask for forgiveness, repent and never make it again, but this? But us? Oh, Charlotte, I sin and I want to sin again and again and again. I look to the heavens and I can't see any god greater than you, I can't believe that there is anything more divine than your lips on mine... don't you see how wrong that is? How can I commit countless blasphemies just because I love you?

— Love isn't a sin, it's salvation, darling... 

— So why do I feel so dirty? — your speech was interrupted by crying, which intensified when Lottie's arms gripped you tightly in a strong, secure embrace.

— Because they made you feel this way, because they're the ones who made up the rules, that doesn't mean they're right rules, — Lottie moved closer to her best friend's face, putting her hands on you, holding your cheeks — if it was something that needed a cure, why would God have made you sick from the start? No one is born to suffer, sweetheart. Not even the lamb.

You wanted to kill her. 

You truly wanted to kill Laura Lee, but not in a dictionary definition of killing, you wanted to lock her in the forest cage you all were in and deny her freedom of choice. You wanted to murder her hope and stupidity.

To think of flying was one thing, to actually open your wings and decide to jump was another one, very different. 

— I want to go with you, — you cry out, eyes stained with tears, your cheeks burning — Leonard won’t mind sharing the seat.

Laura smiled sweetly at you, her hand going to yours.

—You need to stay and pray here, — she answered, a lovely smile on her face — besides, Lottie needs someone around.

— You need someone too.

— I’ll always have you two. And you two will always have me.

Her response is the end of the conversation, and you take a few steps away, going to Lottie’s embrace to watch Laura Lee go.

#yellowjackets #itmighthavebeenlibrary #aching bones aching teeth #reader insert #yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets x you #lottie matthews #lottie matthews x you #lottie matthews x reader #lottie yellowjackets

[wannaseewhatshangin]

Random Tex Headcanons <3

He has a problem with spiders. He HATES spiders.

He usually doesn't mind the small ones but the BIG ones scare this baby to death.

He got his first crush in second grade.

He got her a valentine card and told her that he liked her and she rejected him.

This boy cried his eyes out.

Doesn’t like thunderstorms.

He don’t mind a little rain and thunder but when the lightning comes out, he's under his blankets hella fast.

His stove and oven privileges were revoked by Mace.

He tried to make pizza and almost burned the house down.

Sensitive.

Feels SO bad when he steps on a ladybug.

Mace actually had to stop him from bringing ladybugs in the house whenever he found one.

“You can’t keep bringin’ in all these ladybugs, the house will be infested before you know it.”

“I don’t care. Just look at er’ she's pretty.” He smiles.

Doesn’t like spinach. HATES it.

When he first found out how babies were made, he was shocked and disturbed.

“MY thingy could make a baby?” 

LOVES LOVES LOVES BABIES ANYWAY.

Loves soda, his favorite is Mt Dew.

Loves puppies.

He’s a huge cuddlebug.

He once witnessed an abusive relationship when him and his brother were at the store and he was disgusted and angry.

He just doesn’t think it's fair.

Asks stupid questions all the time.

Most aren’t stupid, but it's very childlike of how many random questions run through his brain.

“Why do we have to walk? Why couldn’t we just fly if we wanted to?”

He has a huge imagination and loves to build things.

Used to have a puppy named Rico but he got run over and Tex just couldn’t get over it.

Loves mud riding (So fun)

#dallas winston headcanons #dallas winston x reader #sodapop headcanons #johnny cade #johnny cade headcanons #johnny cade x reader #sodapop x reader #ponyboy curtis #ponyboy headcanons #ponyboy x reader #texas mccormick #Tex McCormick x Reader #Tex McCormick #Tex #tex mccormick fanfic #fanfic

[what-if-nct]

Kun: Hendery.

Hendery: *driving a tractor* I'm the son of a 3rd generation farmer. I've been married 10 years to the farmer's daughter.

Kun: Hendery!

Hendery: I'm a God fearin' hard workin' combine driver. Hoggin' up the road on my p-p-p-p-plower.

Kun: HENDERY!!!

Hendery: Chug a lug a luggin' 5 miles an hour. On my International Harvester!

Kun: And you thought it was a good idea to move to the middle of nowhere Oklahoma.

Ten: The kids have so much room to run around.

Kun: Hendery has been on that tractor for an hour, Yangyang has been doing donuts in the mud on his atv, Renjun and Xiaojun are building a house with hay bales and Winwin is chewing tobacco for some reason. We could've move to the city.

Ten: You just want to be closer to that waitress. You keep trying to ruin this marriage. What about the kids?

Kun: You literally have a roledex of people you call your nightly conquests that you have Yangyang mail inappropriate Christmas cards to. Plus we've never even been married!

Ten: I'm still not signing the divorce papers.

Kun: Winwin is that chewing tobacco as good as cigarettes? I need something.

#nct incorrect quotes #nct #nct incorrect texts #wayv #wayv incorrect quotes #wayv incorrect texts #kun #ten lee #Hendery

[fixfoxnox]

I love every post you make with little facts and headcannons and kwwodonskdmdjd absolutelly in love with every fact and curiosity that you add in these characters

Speaking of wich Gaz my babygurl and Jackson my beloved i would die and kill for them fr

I absolutely adore making these fact and headcanon posts for you guys its so fun to get to talk about my little guys

Gaz was that one kid who was in band and sports, a double threat if you will

Might I now offer...more Gaz and Jackson headcanons (or Canon in the SiTO universe lol) (also throwing in some Soap/Ghost/Roach for you):

Jackson finds his old band pictures from highschool and literally flips out over how adorable Gaz was

This ends with Jackson literally begging Gaz's parents to show him baby/growing up pictures of Gaz

He may or may not steal/get copies of some of them because he thinks Gaz was adorable and he also likes to make fun of him with them

Gaz doesn't mind because he can just go to Roach and get embarrassing pictures of Jackson from when he was on Griggs squad

Some of these pictures include Jackson passed out with an entire house of cards that Roach build on his chest (gaz is more impressed by Roach's building skills than anything)

Jackson with his makeup fully done by one of Roach's nieces, a tiara in his hair as a finishing touch

A picture taken right in the middle of him eating shit from when he tried to run one of the training obstacles right after it rained and there was slippery mud everywhere

The picture of Jackson with his makeup done by Roach's niece is the picture Gaz has for him in his phone

Gaz and Jackson both handle their liquor like shit

Like literally anything stronger than a beear and these men are drunk after like two sips

Both touchy drunks

Jackson is a flirty drunk as well as a forgetful drunk

So you get a lot of "You're cute as shit and I'd so flirt with you if I didn't have a smoking hot boyfriend"

"Paul, I am your boyfriend"

"Whaaat? Fucking jackpot"

Gaz is a clingy drunk and thinks anyone and everyone is flirting with Jackson while he's drunk

"Hey, he's has a boyfriend, its me, I'm the boyfriend"

"I know that Gaz. Just like you know that I have two boyfriends sitting right next to me in this booth"

Gaz complains about things that Jackson does to Roach and comes to him for relationship advice.

It mostly works out because Jackson also comes to Roach for relationship advice so Roach can just parrot back to them what the other one said and essentially help them communicate

Though he complains about it the entire time that he does it and after they make up always tells them "you guys should just talk because that's essentially what you did. I just had to be the middle man"

They're the couple that rarely argue though. Like once in a blue moon will you see them genuinely arguing. Mostly its just little squabbles about what to get to eat or what to watch

Compare to Soap/Roach/Ghost who also don't argue much. But when they do argue it will literally last for weeks

They're all stubborn, so even when one or two of them know they're in the wrong, it takes them days to actually give in and admit it

Any squabbles that they usually have are typically jealousy related and usually are fixed with kisses, cuddles, or sex

These three are insatiable. Like literally they are all so needy for each other all the time its a little embarrassing for them

Ghost gets jealous the most, Soap is somewhere in the middle, and Roach rarely gets jealous

When one of them has to go on a mission and two are left behind or two are on a mission and one is left behind, they do a before mission kinda date ritual thing

Essentially the one that is going to be away from the other two gets an entire day of pampering thats all about them

They all go on a date together to do something the one wants. Usually the other two will have a little gift/gifts for them. They get to be the center of the cuddle pile. If they want sex its literally all about them. They get to essentially be the center of attention with each other.

Kings of making out

Absolutely adore just cuddling with each other and pressing lazy kisses back and forth for hours

When Roach brings the boys home with him for a vacation immediately, he takes them to his local park and makes them walk the cool walking trails with him

Also definitely brings them with him through some of the more homophobic shops in town just to watch the old people have heart attacks (they never get close enough for the people to say anything to them, just close enough to see them react)

Soap def brings Ghost and Roach with him to any and all reunions he's invited to, all in the name of bragging.

Family reunion? Wow everyone, look, cousin John has two boyfriends instead of one! High School Reunion? Wow look, not only is that MacTavish guy even hotter, but he has two hot boyfriends now too!

Literally just does it to brag

Simon brings them with him to his families gravestones on the day he visits every year. They help him clean up the graves and decorate them again with flowers and knick knacks

Roach's family are very confused when they learn he's dating both of them

"We thought you and Jackson-?"

"Mom, I told you a million times we're just friends"

Do not understand, but very supportive!

Johnathan is the more mischievous of the brothers so he's the one asking all the questions to make Roach blush

"Who gets to kiss first at the wedding? Or will you all try to squish in?"

"Who has to sit in the backseat when you guys ride in a car together?"

"Do you guys ever just stand in a circle so you can all hold hands?"

Makes the mistake of asking about how their sex life works one time.

Despite his embarrassment, Roach takes advantage of it to embarrass the hell out of him

Needless to say, he never asks again lmao

#thoughts with luke #you asked luke #something in the orange #gary roach sanderson #ghost x roach #ghostroach #ghost x soap #soap x roach #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #ghostroachsoap #soaproachghost #soaproach #soapghost #kyle gaz garrick #paul jackson #gaz x jackson

[babyshrimpbun]

Inscryption Scrybe Caretaker Headcanons

(Because I have been hyperfixated on it lately and this idea has me by the ankles)

With moodboards!!

Leshy

This guy absolutely smothers you in whatever animal stuffies you want. Frog? Wolf? Bear? Who needs pillows?

You’re usually outside with him, taking walks, playing in the mud, and going on camping trips. He keeps a close eye on you but also mostly lets you do what you want during outside play time. You’ve come home covered in mud a lot, much to Grimora’s dismay

Bedtime always includes a story and Leshy is the best at telling improvised stories. He always makes you the main character

All the animal nicknames. Little bear cub, little duckling, et cetera

Playing the card game with him, he tunes down the difficulty a lot and makes sure you’re doing okay regularly

Maybe he sneaks a good card for you

“Oh, how’d that Mantis God get in there? Oh well, it’s in your deck now.”

Sad to say he’s not a good cook. Best he can do is microwave a TV dinner. But he does get you those cute Kids Cuisines

Or brings home kids meals with toys

Playing pretend with him is very fun because he commits to the bit

Even to his own detriment

Many a tea party has been had and P03 cannot help but laugh every time he comes to pick you up and he sees Leshy sitting at the tiny table, teacup in hand, pinky raised, garden hat on his head

P03

See, everyone thought he would be the ‘No fun allowed’ caretaker, but that’s not really true

He does make sure you follow the rules but that’s mostly on making sure Grimora doesn’t yell at him (that, and structure is important to him too)

He wasn’t the best at first but over time he got used to you and your routine, eventually

He buys games for you. Whatever you want, he shells the robobucks for. He cannot resist you asking. All it takes is a “pweeeeaaaase?” with those big eyes and he throws his wallet at the GameStop employee

He has a Minecraft server that the two of you play on. He is often coming to your rescue when you get caught in a bad situation. It is usually ‘I have gotten myself stuck in a hole’ or ‘There is a creeper near our house’. He lets you build all the pretty builds while he makes farms for materials.

While he does buy you regular games and kids’ games, if he’s working he’ll usually hand you the tablet loaded with baby games, and if the sound’s going on with speakers he can’t focus well. So he buys you cute and comfy headphones to wear while you use the tablet.

Calls you baby bot. He did not call you this in front of the other Scrybes for a very long time because he was embarrassed, until one day you started crying because he hadn’t called you baby bot in a long time and you’d thought you did something wrong.

“Am I not your baby bot anymore??”

“No no no, you’re still my baby bot- c’mere, you.”

Now that everyone already knows he calls you baby bot whenever.

The crank on his side does, in fact, play ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’.

Other than video games, he plays card games with you like MtG and ofc Inscryption. When he plays with you he tries to go easy even though it’s a bit hard because he’s programmed for optimization.

Grimora

Spooky mama spooky mama spooky mama-

She is very gentle and soft

Loves buying you cute and pretty outfits!! You look so precious, pumpkin!!

Always makes sure you have yummy food and are always clean

Is a bit of a worrier. Okay, a lot. She can’t stand to be apart from you for five minutes without worrying if you’re okay or not

At this point she trusts the other Scrybes to look after you but sometimes she will just show up to the other Scrybes’ domains even if she’s supposed to be working, which is usually followed by a startled Scrybe and you gleefully running over to her with a ‘hi Mama!’

“Leshy, please stop letting them play in the mud”

“P03, please make sure they cut down on screen time”

“Magnificus, please make sure they eat something other than candy”

Blankets always go in the dryer an hour before bed so you have toasty blanket to sleep with

She doesn’t have any particularly stand-out nicknames for you, defaults to ‘little one’ or ‘pumpkin’

You know when Halloween comes around she sews your costume. Trick-or-treat is the BEST with her

She is the best, gentlest singer. Will often hum you to sleep.

She also tries to make routines fun. Bathtime toys, turning chores into games, sticker charts

Magnificus

You know this guy keeps a mountain of coloring books for you

Not only coloring books but also just a ton of art supplies in general

Your art is automatically hung up for everyone to see. The fridge ran out of room a long time ago so now your art is hung up on the walls

Parallel art time, in particular, is fun because sometimes he’ll also paint what you’re drawing to surprise you

He cannot resist giving you candy, or sweets of any kind. He’ll bake cookies with you, he’ll sneak you a handful of candy to shove in your pocket before you go over to another Scrybes’ domain

Grimora has had to tell him to lay off the sugar before bedtime plenty of times already, and this will continue for forever

The other Scrybes other than Grimora do nothing to stop this. P03 just thinks it’s funny

He’s not particularly active so if you’re rowdy and want to play outside he’ll send Lonely Wizard out to play with you and keep an eye on you

Lonely Wizard is a great and fun sitter and play time with him will guarantee you’re wound down enough for your nap

(This is how he counteracts giving you too much sugar, see)

Of the group gives the best cuddles. He is very fluffy and will let you cuddle up into him during nap time

Royalty nicknames. Prince, Princess, Your Highness, My Liege, et cetera

#agere #agere little #age dreaming #agere fandom #fandom agere #sfw little #sfw age regression #agere community #agere board #not sure if I should use the main fandom tag cuz idk if the main tag would wanna see this stuff 👉👈

[feralstemgirl]

thinking about how as a kid i struggled so hard to learn how to put my hair up in a ponytail and i always had my mom do it for me but when i was in seventh grade my best friend decided to try and teach me and she spent at least a week teaching me and helping me practice until i finally got it right.

and it’s been years but i still do it the way she taught me, and i think of her almost every time. do you miss me too? do you think of me when you put your own hair up?

these days, we only really talk on birthdays (yours, mine) but somehow when people ask me who’s your best friend, my mind always flashes to her first. bright eyes. strawberry blonde hair. a smile like sunshine. laughter like the most lovely music i've ever listened to.

and i still haven’t had the heart to change my instagram profile pic from the photo we took in fifth grade, sitting on the edge of your neighborhood’s pool with our backs to the camera and our arms linked together like an infinity sign. and i wonder, do you still look at my profile from time to time? and if you do, what goes through your mind when you do? does it make you smile to yourself and think of summer days spent traipsing through the woods? or do you just think it's a little weird that i never changed it?

and maybe i should but not today. not today.

today, i'll look at it and think of warm hands holding mine, promising me, you're my best friend, i could never forget you.

today, i'll look at it and i'll remember the day we stripped into swimsuits and went down to the pond and threw mud at each other like snowballs until we were covered head to toe and laughing like we were mad, and i'll think to myself, you were my home for a decade of my life. you were my everything, and leaving you was the hardest thing i've ever done.

today, i'll look at it and i'll remember the box full of letters she gave me when i moved away (one to open when i was sad, one to open when i was grieving, one to open when i was happy, one to open when i was afraid, and one to open on my next birthday) and i'll think to myself, i loved you and i love you and i will always love you and it's not the same anymore but the love still remains and sometimes i don't know what to do with that.

today, i'll look at it and i'll remember the pack of cards she gave me for my thirteenth birthday with notes written over each card in sharpie about all the things she loved about me, and i'll think to myself, i hope more than anything that you are happy right now, that your life is full of joy and success and love and friendship and wonder.

today, i'll look at it and i'll remember us, promising each other we'd always stay together. we'd go to college together and get jobs at the same company and we'd find a little blue house out on the edge of the woods and we'd be roommates and our husbands would be best friends too and we'd build a little life together and when we grew old and weary of this life we'd sit on the porch of our little home and we'd laugh as we finally passed into the next, our hands still linked together.

i wish we'd had more time, i'll think to myself, but i'm so grateful for the time we did have and i know the memories we made will stay with me forever.

#poem #or at least #there's a poem here somewhere #i just don't know how to write it yet #something about friendship #and the love that remains #do you ever really get over your childhood friendships? #words words words #best friends #friendship #childhood memories #nostalgia

[theorbdotcom]

i've found a whole list i made of the unused unus annus video ideas that they discussed in one of the last videos. i don't remember the context for a lot of them but some are very funny. i particularly like "volcano?" and "fire house ?" cause i have absolutely no idea what they mean and i don't think i ever did considering the question marks. i also got lazy near the end, sorry. lastly, i found a screen recording i took of them singing the sound of silence (hello darkness my old friend)??? i have no idea what that was, why they did that, or why i saved it, but now you get to see it at the bottom of this post

okay without further ado, here are the unus annus video ideas they never used

parkour

claustrophobic (wrapping each other in rugs)

blacklight (in each others rooms)

watching ethan sleep

5 senses

guessing each other's wills

william osman how many licks (build lick machine)

asking youtubers what they've always wanted to do (and doing it, they post video and delete it with unus annus)

mark gets his nipple pierced if they don't reach 1 million subscribers in time

tattoos

making weapons for each other and dueling with them

500 v 2 paintball (500 fans vs mark & ethan)

stunt car driving

skydiving

bungee jumping (with pokimane)

preforming in a burlesque show (w/ vixen deville)

mark gets bit by bullet ant

how much criticism can ninja take (bullying ninja over the phone)

how many copies of fortnite can a bullet take (or elmo)

pressuring david dobrik to buy us a car

susan wojcicki lie detector

learn braille

drunk driving in go karts

forcing shane dawson to do a conspiracy video on us

cage diving

trivia phone drop

covered in bees (see bee keeper)

thermal dick camera to find eachothers kinks

boner pill olympics

laxative olympics

michael reeves does something fucked up

craigslist stylist

being each other's personal assistants

lemonade stand (set stand up across the street from kids lemonade stand)

head to head

using as seen on tv products

trying to trigger the adpocalypse

buying everything my dog touches (slavery? if they touch a person)

building a house of cards on chica

blood drive haunted house

super soaker enema

going to couples therapy

going to area 51

going to area 52

fuck machine thanksgiving

props pop up shop

paint the office with our bodies

get an office

the shining challenge (getting chased by axe "murder" through a maze)

youtuber prom (forced to bring youtuber date, 360 camera in between dancers)

youtuber speed collab

trying to make each other fall asleep

staying awake as long as possible

one hour movie challenge (1 hour to write, 1 hour to film)

eating like the rock for a day

parasailing

who can do it first (back tuck vs back full)

yoga on paddle boards

jujitsu

learning to ride a tandem bike (obstacle course)

mattress rafting (white water rafting or going down the stairs with a mattress)

tap dancing classes

doubles ice skating (w/ game grumps)

interviewing a pornstar

how many rubs does it take to go through skin

making each others fursonas

meet a mortician

going to marks storage unit

renting the most expensive airbnb

living like team 10 for a day

youtuber sleep over (after prom)

mark get waterboarded while ethan gets tickled

volcano?

how far can we get on birds (scooters)

youtuber graduation (for all the youtubers that never went to college)

asmr slime making

building gokarts (the down hill kind?)

getting a couples massage

surfing lessons

raccoon cafe

cuddling workshop

chainsaw carving

trapeze

curling lessons

becoming an entrepreneur

clown class

parkour class

meditation

speed dating

learning accents from a linguistics coach

fire house ?

saving each other from drowning

pizza delivery to fans

quicksand

darkness for 24 hours

geochashing

hello darkness my old friend

camp annus–kernville

mud wrestling

making realistic things (armchair/beanbag)

dog cone

glory hole

burying ethan in the sand

the perfect disguise

smelliest smells

gamble all the adsense

#why did i do this #unus anuus #markiplier #crankgameplays

[sea-salt-child]

Cracks

<< Recyling >>

Your first memories are of Academia. 

A room shared with other kids in your position- orphans, taken in much younger than other children for the sake of providing them with a place to live and an education.

The smell of salt. Being presented with cards, learning to write from them. Bland meals, training, dueling so, so much… and watching the older newcomers from afar, finding it strange how much they talked to one another.

Out of focus, only half remembered faces with no names to go with them. You almost never talked to anyone, always focused on the task at hand.

All yearning to be good kids.

Of course, the relatively quiet life of studies and games couldn’t last forever. An icy calm before the storm, the days before your training began in earnest.

It was always going to be like this.

At some point, they woke you up even earlier than usual and you were given new uniforms to wear. Silently, you all went down the halls, guided towards a large open area- a simulation room. 

You were lined up and suddenly, after the roar of a machine come to life, everything was different.

Artificial rain on an artificial field, still soaking through your shirt. A simple task: Get to the other side as fast as you can.

Derelict buildings, broken roads, mud everywhere. A simulated battlefield.

Hold it, wait for the signal.

Six students to your left. Seven to your right.

A deafening sound, time to run. Slippery, shoes sinking into the soil, cold pinpricks, everyone scattering, not wanting to be in each other’s ways. 

Come on, run, fast, fast as the wind. 

Looking back- there’s the teachers on horseback, snapping whips. You don’t want to be left behind, to be trampled. You don’t want to be a disappointment.

Someone else is falling behind- they scream and the sound carries far. You can only ignore it, focusing all your strength into not having the same happen to you.

Debris under, having to dodge into houses and buildings to avoid blockages in the way- at one point, you jump from the second story window to a balcony on the other side. Your wet hands almost slip from the metal, but you wedge your boot between the metal bars in the fencing around it and manage to catch yourself, climbing over to enter the simulated apartment.

Move.

Down the stairs, jumping over steps, keeping your balance.

And now, outside- 

A clearing surrounded by walls with jagged pieces of glass on top. Something that would be easy to cross, but somehow, it feels ominous.

You stop, glued in place by an instinctive fear you have never felt before.

Someone passes by you.

They run into the clearing, focused on the goal and nothing else, just like the rest of you. 

And then there’s  sound, there’s light, a scream that gets cut short. They- this- something blew up. Something blew up just under their feet. 

Although you don’t yet know the word for this, you understand it in game terms. A trap. A trap with no counter, no chaining- just heat and fire against the roar of the storm.

And one by one, the others arrive.

There’s pieces of that person everywhere. Something lands on another trap, setting it off too. Some are backing away. Someone screams, falling on their knees, terrified. There is a choice here. Proceed or back down and try to find another way- though that will certainly disappoint the teachers.

And one by one, they take the same path.

Shoes are thrown, jumps are dared. Another explosion, another one dead. Eyes burning with the desire to do a good job, to be a good kid. Hey, be proud! Look this way! See how important this place is, for me!

And so, you also move.

Where there are thrown objects. Where the ground is already charred. Where pieces have already fallen- walking and leaping between the dead to get to the other side, inhaling the smell of burnt things, shaking.

No matter what, you have to be good enough.

The moment there is a building to sneak into you move into it, avoiding the ground for the rest of the task.

In the end, there’s only four left, including you. One of them must have tried to climb the walls around the trap field, from the cuts all over their skin. Another went the same way as you. The final one comes in, dragged by the hair by a teacher for slowing down and trying to hide. They look like they got a good beating for it, but at least they are still alive.

“Remember this.” The teacher’s voice cuts the air.

“You are society’s trash. No one wants any of you. From today onwards, you will be recycled into something useful. Be thankful and do your best.”

--

<< Bland >>

You aren’t fond of the cafeteria food at all. 

Living in the middle of an ocean means that every single day you get fish on your plate. Sure, it’s all meant to be healthy so you can be an effective soldier, but you hate it anyhow. 

You swallow without chewing, your stomach turns, you keep it down.

It’s no wonder that you often skip meals.

Instead, you take the time to study.

It isn’t that you love that or anything- you just don’t know what else to do with free time. Your life is highly regulated, with weekly schedules that leave nearly no downtime. It’s a rough living, but that’s the price of the recycling process. 

You sit on your bed, reading about duel tactics. Your stomach complains, demanding some food. 

What a stupid thing. Dolltoys don’t need food.

Rather, the only thing you like is something one of your teachers gives out after adverse condition battlefield training for the best students… a sweet thing called a lollipop.

A taste exclusive to good kids. The best thing in the world.

The students raised on mainland don’t understand this at all. Apparently, they had ready access to stuff like this back then.

Too bad you are never going into the city, then. If you could, you’d revel in sugar, put it on everything to end the curse of boring bland food.

For now, it’s fine to keep doing what you do. Teachers will readily scold you for wanting too much food, but never the other way around. It’s fine so long as it doesn’t interfere with your training.

…

Looking back on it, you recall one of the children from your batch. A boy that didn’t want to eat at all, who hated everything offered to him. To curb that behavior, they just stopped making him food.

It worked wonders- after a week, he was accepting anything given to him.

Not that it matters anymore. He’s dead.

He’s dead and it was never about the food waste or whatever they would say about it. It was about obeying, about preparing him. That’s the lesson, that’s the difference between them not batting an eye at your conduct and dishing out rightful punishment.

Yeah, that’s right. If you were ordered, it would be different. You’d eat, not taste a thing not care at all. You’d do it just as readily as anything else, forsaking the fact that this is the one thing you get to decide for yourself.

Your last freedom could suffocate just that easily, caught like fish spines in one’s mouth, and you wouldn’t feel a thing.

--

<< *Thigh >>

Over time, you became very good at battlefield simulations, even as difficulty racked up. Explosions, electrical hazards, harsh climbs- all became second nature to you. 

In your mind, things are simple, clear as day… You are a toy kind of thing, being put to use by the kindness of the Professor. Your duty is to be the best, to not sully Academia’s name with weakness or failure.

But even the best cannot be perfect.

It wasn’t even your fault, really. You  were running down a hall, third floor of a simulated building, aiming for the window.

A girl turned a corner behind you. No chance to even yell at her to stop- she just opened a door, triggering a trap. The explosion blew her against a wall and you, out the window.

You fell.

Trying to turn to ease the fall, you managed to hit your inner thigh on the fencing of a balcony and then, landing over your arm, a large cut was made.

Pain, white and searing pain.

But it doesn’t hurt. “Doesn’t hurt”, again and again, that comes out of your mouth as you force yourself to get up. Doesn’t hurt, step after step, rain hitting the cut, it burns, but it doesn’t hurt. Not at all. 

You end up among the last to finish the course.

The teacher eyes your injury.

“Shiun’in, what happened?”

“I fell.”

Her lip curls, a sign of anger. She grabs your arm, the very same injured one, and drags you away, into the control room for the simulation. 

“Sit.”

You obey and she notices your grimace as you put your weight over where your thigh was hurt.

“What’s that?”

You put your hand to where it hurts.

“I, hit here on the way down.”

“Are you fucking stupid?”

The question leaves you stupefied. You have no answer to give, just a blank expression. You could say it wasn’t your fault, that someone else’s mistake was to blame- but that would just be cowardice. Everything that happens is indeed your fault.

She grabs your arm, examining the cut.

“Fucking hell. You fell. Bright idea! Great! How did you manage to live this long? I’ll have to send you to the infirmary. Do you understand that? Because of your incompetence, we’ll be wasting resources on you.”

She squeezes and it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t hurt at all.

“Nothing to say? Just gonna stand there looking like an idiot? Pretend you don’t understand me?”

“A-ah-”

“Let me see the other one.”

And you take off your pants and underwear to let her see the growing bruise. She considers it for a moment- and than slaps at it with great force, making you wince. Again, hitting the general area as you try not to show signs of pain.

When she’s done, she crosses her arms.

“Get out of my sight and to the infirmary. They’ll fix your arm. Don’t be stupid anymore.”

And off you go, pulling your pants back up, unable to think a single thing.

--

<< Solo >>

You decide you don’t like Captain Solo the moment you board the boat and get to see him.

It’s a full on pirate costume. What a joke. Teachers are supposed to take things seriously!

He babbles on about the upcoming war and how you need to be prepared for everything. You get farther and farther away from Academia, floating in the great blue. He says this is going to test you and your determination. 

“Get up, everyone. You’ll be swimming from here back to shore! No need for swimsuits, try not to get dragged down by your own clothes!”

There are uncertain glances between students- this is new. Even you feel a little uncertain with how far from Academia you are… 

But you are a good student and a good kid.

That’s why you are the first to get up, with the Captain’s eyes expectantly on you.

You walk up to the border. From here, the fall seems tall… but you know better than to fumble at this kind of thing. You jump.

The water is cold, so cold. You gasp for air, battling to  get ahold of your own movements. It’s hard to breathe, waves threaten to throw you against the boat if you fail to do this. Every ounce of concentration is used. A thin line that connects you to Academia- no matter what, all you have to do is follow it.

Follow, kicking your feet, cutting through the water with your arms. 

You hear others drop, following in your steps, trying to be good. Everyone giving their best, shivering violently and the Captain laughing uproariously.

It’s not really about the war. Not really, no… but it just happens that this sort of thing produces better soldier, so there’s no point fighting against it.

It’s all for the Professor. For making him proud.

Someone beside you is fighting for his life, gasping, going under the waves, not making any progress. You should really just leave that alone. You know that it is just right for the weak to be culled-

But for a moment, just one moment… you see the blurry face of a girl swallowed up by fire and smoke and you cannot help it- you swim over to him, letting him climb over you to breathe. It makes swimming harder, yes, but you push through, eyes on the prize, not to waver for a single moment.

It feels like death. You can’t feel your own body, your chest is tight and it is almost impossible to breathe. Waves rock you and you keep getting submerged, just to come out a little along each time. You can’t tell how long it takes to approach the rocky shore. Minutes blend together, has it been more than an hour? All that exists are the rocks, you can’t even find a floor to help yourself. 

Eventually, you get ahold of rocks and manage to climb to a flat surface higher up where other students are gathered, waiting.

The person rolls off your back, eyes full of tears. 

You are about to say something- that it’ over, that it’s all okay. That you are alive.

But a ray of light crosses your vision and next you know, they are just a card.

“No room for weaklings here.”

It’s the Captain, grinning. 

You aren’t even cold anymore.There’s nothing.

All you did was drag out someone’s death. It can’t be helped… that’s how the world is supposed to work.

--

<< Spy >>

“Hmmm.” 

The teacher looks over your documents, your performance historic, your grades.

You have a single goal in mind: Joining Obelisk Force as early as possible. You do believe you can do it- especially by aiming to join the intelligence side of things. Better than working into Edo of all things.

“Well, Shiun’in, I do think you have a real chance here. Your dueling is great, your grades are stellar… But it’s not quite yet a guaranteed thing.”

“Is there anything I can do to have a better chance?”

There’s a moment of silence as he thinks it through.

“You’d be the youngest member of Obelisk Force, you know that, right?”

“Yes, sir.” “And you are willing to do anything to reach that goal.”

“Yes.”

Anything to be a good kid, to be something Academia can be proud of. Anything at all.

“Then, I’m going to talk to some other teachers. A few of them are running specific experiments to get better soldiers and they need good subjects for their projects.”

A great victory, you think. It’s not long before you are directed to a member of the disciplinary team of Academia- someone in charge of corrective actions, re-education and imprisonment. Apparently, he simply goes by “Three”, not willing to give his real name out.

Your first encounter happens in his office, right after lunch.You knock on the door.

“Come in.”

And so you do.

He’s sitting at the table, looking over documents, not even looking your way.

“Lock the door.”

An odd request, but you comply.

“Ever feel pain, kid?”

Every part of your brain screams no, no, not at all. Toy soldiers don’t feel a thing like that.

“No.”

“Funny. You think you can say that with such an obvious lying voice?” He turns to you. “There you are, trying to lie to me. Lying that you don’t think you can feel pain- but you obviously do.”

His eyes are piercing as he continues to speak:

“You think I’m stupid. Born yesterday.”

“No!”

“Swallow those lies back. I can see in the way you are looking at me. That you think I’m some sucker that doesn’t understand you. That you can hide stuff from me. So here’s the truth for you: You still think you can feel pain and you lie otherwise to avoid getting in trouble. No sincerity whatsoever. You think you’ve been hurt? By whom? You implying that Academia is a bad place? That staff has misbehaved? Is that how you thank us for making something out of you? Biting the hand that feeds? You are a traitor at heart.”

It feels like your brain has tied itself into a knot. Every thought, every response becomes tangled, building up in your throat. 

And worst of all, there’s tears in your eyes.

“Oh, there you go crying. What for? Did I do anything to you? Huh?”

“No sir.” “Then why the hell are you crying?”

“I, I don’t know.”

“But you do know. You are making me out to be a villain for making misses fragile ego cry. You wanna be treated like a princess? You make me sick. Blaming me for your own mistakes, again, blaming Academia for hurting your precious little feelings.”

He’s brutal in every way, calling you each day with something new to do.

Day one:

He brushes your hair. 

“You are a girl, after all.”

Your stomach twists. You are used to being referred to as a boy, even in the largely gender-neutral way Academia raises its soldiers. No one has ever brought up that incongruence before.

“No, sir.”

“I’m not asking. Do you think you should have the power to decide how staff should address you? Is that how highly you think of yourself? Or, rather, how lowly you think of us? Even being given the world, you still want more…”

You purse your lips and glance down. 

Day five:

He goes through your deck with you.

“I hear you want a new one, once you join Obelisk Force.”

“Yeah. A low profile deck for espionage missions, so it’s not obviously Academia aligned.”

“Have you started your extra classes?”

“Yup. It’s a lot of extra work, but I’m doing fine-” “I didn’t ask about that. Always fishing for compliments. So spoiled… I’d be ashamed if I had to be in the same class as you.”

Day fourteen:

It’s not like he’s the only one that says things like that… He is just relentless, solely focused on you rather than a whole class.

“Can you stop sniffling?”

“Sorry, I have a cold-”

He laughs.

“God, that’s such a weak lie, Shiun’in. Ever seen a toy get sick before?”

“Ah…No.”

It’s a horrible sensation. Suddenly, you are thrust back into the reality of not being a living being at all. That truth that underlies so many of your actions, brought to light. You want to react, but you shouldn’t feel anything. It should be as natural as breathing. 

“You are making that face again.” 

He’s really close.

“A face like you want to get hit.”

Day fifty four:

He hands you a knife.

“I want you to cut your arm open, right over that scar.”

You take it. There’s no need to hesitate- you press it in… and he interrupts you:

“What the hell are you thinking?! Huh? What are you saying, Shiun’in? Why would you hurt yourself? Because Academia sucks? Because you are being mistreated? Huh?”

“But, you-”

“Oh, now it’s my fault. You can never take responsibility for the things you do. All you do is sit around and blame us for everything in your life, hurting us, hurting the Professor! Always biting the hand that feeds. Ugh.”

And those words-

“Raise crows and they will peck out your eyes.”

It sinks all the way down like a lance. 

You are a crow.

Your eyes are injustice. Your eyes are a source of evil, animal things grafted onto a lifeless doll. It all clicks together, making sense in new ways. 

Day who cares:

He said-

“You are cute, Shiun’in. You should use that.”

You’d never been called something like that, before.

“Being cute is part of why you look like you wanna get hurt so badly. The other part is because that’s true.”

Hands on your shoulders.

“If they think you are adorable, their defenses will be down. You need to charm them with all your your weapons. Bat your lashes, look at them the right way… And they’ll be easy targets.”

Head right by your ear.

“I’ll teach you. And if cute isn’t enough, I’ll show you how to proceed someday.”

Day whatever:

“What door, Shiun’in? There’s none here.”

Your senses say there’s a door. That you had to have walked into here on your own.

But your senses lie. 

You lie.

The things you experience have nothing to do with reality. You live arbitrary lies, cannot be trusted to not twist things in your own favor.

Rather, the arbiter of what is really real is the professor.

Only his will is true and pure, the search for utopia

“There’s no window.”

Your vision is out of sync with reality, then.

You are stuck in a closed room with no idea how you ended up there. 

“Oh, this is great. You are one hell of an art piece.”

Because as it turns out, that was his project, the one you signed up to. The creation of a living artwork, a thesis in how a perfect soldier can be made. One that depends on Academia for every bit of its existence, that will be loyal if it kills them.

Yes, the process of becoming a thing even down to your soul.

--

<< One >>

Your name is called in class, along with five others.

Today is the end of a semester, and to commemorate the end of this course, the five best among you student are picked to go into the field:

“Duel one another and card the loser until only one remains.”

Three of the others are from the eleven year old batches. Unlike you and the other student, they are nervous, unsure. 

They don’t realize that there’s always more children, but just one war.

Dying isn’t scary at all. Dying for the sake of Academia, to show the other students that the weak must be carded. That there is no place for defective toys in this world.

Although, once the war is over, once utopia comes… there’s no doubt you’ll all be carded too, then. A peaceful world needs no dangerous, volatile soldiers like you. If anything, you are glad to never need to be an adult.

That it won’t need to be your fault.

All eyes on you as you duel your heart out. Your new deck makes you happy to look at- fluffals, they are. Cute, but deadly. Toys just the same as you. Things. Things that get possessed and kill other things.

It comes down to you against the other kid from an orphan batch. 

The need to live, to bring glory to Academia. To be the best, to never err. Become monsters now and clash, prove your loyalty. 

When you finally point your duel disk at your opponent, they seem almost… relieved. 

That smile is now forever caught inside a card.

--

<< Flower >>

It’s a feeling like you’ve never felt before. A hushing secrecy, a deep steeping filthy sensation. Like the sky is falling, like the ground has disappeared. Like something has been found- something no one can deny, no one can excuse.

An exhilarating sensation.

You have a vague smile and a numbness clinging to you as you walk the halls after dark. 

An ultimate reward, everyone come and see. Make it worse, give it to me in plentiful nights. 

It’s broken, right? Everyone can see that. It’s a self evident wound.

Holy Grail, only the best thing to ever happen.

Haah… hahaha…

You don’t know any words for it, but it’s special. 

Trudging down towards the showers. It’s all you can think of doing.

Let it happen over and over.

This is salvation. The end goal, a black relief. Water runs cold.

It only hurt a little and you’ve bled much worse before.

--

<< *Glass>>

It was an accident.

Helping out at the infirmary is just a task that gets randomly assigned to students and this week, it fell on you. An easy thing, really… except that you dropped a glass container of medicine.

“What did you do that for, you brat?!”

“I’m sorry! Accident, I’ll clean this up!”

“Stay put.”

Glass and sticky liquid around you. You are frozen in place, trying to figure out the least troublesome course of action from here. You could just jump across, clean it up, but…

“Lap it up with your mouth.”

You blink. What?

“Stop looking at me like that and get to work. Lick it all clean.”

On all fours, looking up, as if it would all be revealed to be a joke. But no, the doctor just looks at you.

You spend minutes carefully lapping it up. It’s sweet, at least, and you try not to swallow any glass. A slow work and…

And a giddiness in your stomach. 

You are somehow excited, imagining looking at yourself. Anyone would agree- this is abnormal, right? This-

“Enough. Get up and get out, I’ll clean this myself.”

Ah.

This is really just a minor thing, huh? You stand up and scurry out.

You wish it were worse.

--

<< *Purpose >>

He lifts up your shirt.

Long red cuts all over your stomach.

“Wow.”

You don’t dare look his way.

“If you think things suck this badly here, you should go cut yourself up some more. Way to treat all the people that spend time of their day to keep you fucking alive.”

You get a slap.

You don’t know why you did it- you felt compelled. Your stomach, your waist, your eyelids, your neck. A mess. Punishment, or atonement. You just couldn’t handle the knowledge you are made of injustice-

See, you are a reincarnation of Judas Iscariot. You’ve come to see it that way. When you die, the Professor’s utopia will come to fruition. That’s why you need to be used and killed as a soldier.

“No one will help you, Shiun’in.”

You know it.

You’ll be fine, so long as you get more lollipops.

“Your purpose is to obey. Obey, obey, obey, obey!” while yanking your ponytail around.

That’s right. It’s so simple… 

You wish your will, your wants, your very personality… that it all would be erased. That you could just fulfill that purpose without complaining. Without having to suppress crying. Without faltering, without hesitation.

Save smiles and laughter for forging masks in your work. Become entirely hollow, entirely nothing-

A sweet nightmare.

--

<< Soldier >>

Your name is Shiun’in Sora.

You were not wanted at birth and so, you were recycled into a soldier.

You are not  human. Rather, you are a manner of toy with grafted crow parts to it, made out of injustice. 

Great grades, the youngest member of Obelisk Force, a fierce duelist, a spy.

Playtoy with a lollipop.

No friends, no one to talk to. An extension of the Professor’s will.

Nothing inside, nothing. But you are cute and you know how to use it to your advantage.

Perfection cuts close.

Hey, here. No one cares about what happens to toys. Every move must be for Academia’s sake. You’d happily die for it. 

Ideal, ideal, ideal…

This is your world.

This is your life.

This is all you know. This is how to be you.

It doesn’t hurt.

#series of small blurbs about life in Academia for Sora. Gets pretty dark. #child abuse #death #implied csa #heed the tags! #kind of a vent fic #crossposted to AO3 #long post #yugioh arc v #arc v #sora shiunin

[technicallymaximumkitty]

yankee candle needs more insane candle smells. like i know they have a catalog as long as your arms with stuff like "fresh cut grass at midnight" but like hear me out-

melted butter

garlic and soy sauce

freshly fried french fries

bacon

fun fair but without the vomit

first thing in the morning dewy grass and mud

moth balls but in your grandmothers house way

bookstore that the oldest building on the block

Chinese buffet that is a whole in the wall with the fish tank and red coke-a-cola glasses

middle school classroom after lunch that's too cold

spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread

swamp water/grave yard/ pop bomb/ hurricane/ whatever you call it

your candy bucket on the car ride home from trick-or-treat

cat fur

tears of your enemy

the auditorium that every school in your town had to share

cafeteria food but only on fridays

seven herds and spices, plague doctor style

freshly open pack of pokemon cards

crying yourself to sleep at three in the morning

teen spirit

like i know the karen's and kathy's will only but stuff like cotton sheets and peach cobbler but like, there is an entire untapped market of the smelly stuff and it's your duty as a capitalist origination to capitalize on every demographic

#yankee candle #new smells now #im not the only kid who had a gaint envelope of yankee candle magazines given to me every year by the school right? #like every year and i had to share my aunties with my brother #like they'll do angel's wings before bacon? #plz tell me that it's not just a east coast thing #specific

[elch-im-ausland]

Monday Feb. 19 2024

I woke up a bit late around 10am. My host was also at home working on her art project that is going to be part of an exhibition in Karlsruhe next week so we had breakfast together (coffee and bread with butter, tomatoes, salt) and I ended up helping her film the video she was working on until 13. It's a bit complicated because she wants to film herself watching a short film (that she also made) and then film herself watching herself watch the film and then film herself watching herself watching herself watch the film and so on so we filmed a clip and then airdropped it to the Mac and the WeTransfered it to the old laptop that was connected to the TV and then put the new video on the TV screen. And she didn't even end up using the Monday footage because the lighting wasn't very good but she's fun to talk to so it was still fun. We also had this yummy but unusual tea that was Vanilla and Krauter (herbs? I think) flavor and she made pasta for lunch.

Then I went to the German Spy Museum, which my dad told me to check out and it was pretty cool, there are lots of interactive activities like a lie detector test and a laser maze and puzzles to solve. I think it would have been more fun as a kid (indeed there were lots of families with kids) but even with one other person to go with I would have been able to do the partner activities and maybe done the laser maze which seemed cool but I would have felt weird doing it by myself so idk. But there were also spy tools on display like mini radios, bags and lipstick with hidden cameras, a microphone hidden in a pen, and tiny audio recorders so it was really cool to see those. And everything was in English and German <3

After that I went to the Berlinische Galerie. I was a bit behind schedule so I only had about 90 minutes there. Never rush an art student at an art gallery cuz I love to examine every single piece and then read the little info card, think about the info card, look at the piece again, look at all the pieces on display in the same room, think about the connection between them all that the curator wanted to highlight, think about the information about the artist that was given at the start of the exhibit, think about what information may have been left out, think about what was happening in the world when the piece was made, how it makes me feel, how the artist achieved certain textures, relate the art to my own art, feel inadequate, get depressed, etc etc so I take a really long time and 90 minutes is not enough time even if the gallery is on the smaller side. But there were some cool exhibits.

The first installation by Nasan Tur was in a big room with taxidermied animals on the ground made to look like they were shot along with big paintings? of hands making shadow puppets and a video installation of a female hunter being interviewed.

Then there was a retrospective on Hans Uhlmann in the man section of the gallery. He was an engineer originally but then he became an artist and mostly made abstract, geometric metal sculptures and sketches, as well as abstract drawings with chalk. He has a few sculptures around Berlin. I had never heard of him before so it was really informative and beyond art he led an interesting life too.

There was also a room about urban planning I think, this part was all in German so I didn't fully get it. And another room about building structures with fungi, wood, and mud. In the center of the room was a little house the artists had constructed out of wood and fungi panels they grew themselves that you could sit inside on benches with pink and yellow pillows dyed with fungi dyes and there were guest book to sign as well it was really cute.

The second floor of the gallery is the permanent exhibition with classical, historical art. This is where I started to run out of time but I did see the impressionism and expressionism sections, as well as the Dada section (that one's always obvious because there's always some funky random shit happening, for instance in this room there was a figure of a pig suspended from the ceiling) but there were some Hannah Hoch pieces! Very cool to see in person. What was especially interesting about this section was that in almost every room there was a sensory version of a select painting. For example there was a Eugene Spiro painting titled Tänzerin Baladine Klossowska. It's of the painter's younger sister in a black ruffled dress with gold trim and in front of the painting is a 3-D relief version with a real fabric dress that people can touch if they can't see the painting. I'm not doing a good job explaining it so here's a picture but I'd never seen that before and I thought it was cool so there

Well after the gallery I was really tired from walking around and standing all day so I decided to go home and on the way I realized I was really hungry so I stopped at a restaurant and got wontons, Tom Kah Gai soup, and crispy chicken with green curry to go and had dinner at home. I met my host's other roommate who is the closest to my age. She is studying something computer science-adjacent, it include mechanics in some way and on Tuesday she has her final semester project (building a rocket from scratch, predicting the trajectory, launching the rocket and hoping that the parachute opens and the rocket survives the landing). She was also very nice. Sadly I ordered too much food so I had to save some for Tuesday but it was actually quite tasty and spicy which I could never say about Asian food in Stuttgart.

After dinner my host and I talked about art. I showed her the photobook I made for my photography class and she showed me the photographs she had taken for her classes and was trying to decide which ones to take with her to the exhibition. She's a really good artist, I felt a bit silly showing her my stuff and then she pulls out these innovative and abstract photos that look really cool. I seriously think she's amazing but idk I tried not to be weird about it since we just met.

Then I went to bed because my feets and my legs hurt

#germany #study abroad #travel abroad #berlin

[lowrymartin91]

Creating Your Next Home Improvement Project Look Professional

Redesigning has numerous opportunities to what you can use, do, and ways to use it to your own house. It is actually rare to find someone that will do the same thing as you, so just why not create a career that actually works for just your home? This post can help you. You can utilize drywall mud to add structure and visual curiosity in your walls. This can also cover up any nicks or imperfections. It can be rather easy to accomplish. Apply drywall soil and, by using a brush or even a sponge, include structure for the soil. Fresh paint your floor in segments related with the route from the planking. Once you painting the ground of a big place it is possible to paint oneself in to a corner or to unintentionally obstruct access to all of those other residence before the fresh paint dries out. Should you color in segments you can leave trails that run along specific boards. Once you fresh paint the adjacent segment every little thing will match up completely. With regards to redesigning, tiny enhancements for example power pieces and rise protectors can be extremely advantageous. Energy strips enable that you should quickly switch off categories of electronic devices, saving cash on energy. Most increase protectors will protect your electronic devices from lightning hits and power surges. A simple home improvement suggestion is to declutter. Get started with this straightforward task: In case you have children, you could be guilty of cluttering your freezer because of their operate and tiny design magnets. Maintain your home appliances very clear by fixing some of your children's artwork and only a few magnets at any given time. You may switch these materials out weekly. Placed a engagement ring on your own energy tool plugs! To hold young children from plugging these probably risky tools in to a potential wall socket, just slide an integral band from the holes on the suggestions of the connect prongs. For greater plugs you may also use s small padlock to guard the equipment from possibly dangerous use. Small home improvement function could be taken care of with the homeowner with no need to involve a professional. Simply by making minimal maintenance and changes a property owner can increase the price of her or his home with a surprising quantity. Relying on the home owners personal abilities is likely to make home improvements more affordable, since there is no profit cut out for extraneous building contractors and industry experts. Stickers are a fantastic facelift for dull home furniture and kitchen appliances receiving them off is a distinct scenario. If you're out of ideas on how to get rid of older stickers from surface areas the next idea will certainly aid. Apply the decals you want to get rid of with WD-40 mist. Attempt to elevate the sides to obtain the water beneath. Let it sit in the answer for any second or two and after that delicately clean the decal with an old credit card or a plastic-type material blade. Also you can boost the look of your own home by landscaping design with fully developed plants and blooms instead of placing from seed. Produced blossoms give an instant spark of shade. If there are actually any empty areas in your landscaping, these flowers can complete the spaces. Seedlings nevertheless will need time and energy to develop, and may even not add to your landscaping for a few several weeks until finally they produce blooms. Potential buyers might be incredibly influenced by a "finished" garden that can look fantastic with little work on the portion. A fantastic home improvement tip is going to be as versatile as possible. Whilst it is wise to set up a period frame, sometimes you only won't have the capacity to make your time frame. You might like to spend some dollars, but at times you might want to pay out a tad bit more. Therefore, to keep yourself rational, be accommodating at times alterations has to be manufactured. When you start to plan a home improvement project make sure you check with community officers on what allows you require. Unless you do this everything that may be completed may be required to be split down as well as the undertaking began yet again as a result of control infractions. It is normal to judge the effectiveness of your residence based on the amount of washrooms offered. The quantity of bath rooms a residence has is important towards the residence value. You are able to raise the selling price of your home by the addition of an additional bathroom or two. Before starting painting an area it is important to lie down fall clothing or old sheets on the ground. When painting an area it is quite easy to have paint drip or spill on to the floor. No matter what kind of flooring you possess it may be hard to get paint up once it really is with a surface area. Purchase some hurricane socks if you reside in a place that has proven to have hurricanes or flooding. The appearance of these fabrics allows them to process large amounts water. Place these at entry points like windows and doors. The homes with all the most updates are the types that regularly market speedier. One of the more rewarding choices that you could make would be to update and remodel your home ahead of purchase. It will make would-be customers believe you will find a minimum work load to be accomplished once the buy. While looking to save money on electricity, including new power efficient fittings is a straightforward home improvement which can be done without having a contractor. Incorporating power efficient roof enthusiast is not going to only put beauty, but will reduce your cooling cost. Merely buying and selling from the aged incandescent lamps to far more energy efficient luminescent versions could help you save on power expenses. When working on a property advancement undertaking, it usually is important to be flexible together with your money and time. If you feel you are able to finish off a task in two several weeks, prepare for it for taking three or four months. Also, be sure your financial allowance might be a greater than you anticipate the position to set you back. Isn't making your home improvement job exciting? While you have observed on this page, there are tons of methods this can be achieved with out two strategies or items will yield the identical outcomes. In addition there are lots of customizable possibilities that may work with your property and finances.

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Termites and Concrete - The Silent Destroyer

Most new homes in Brisbane have a termite barrier installed under and around their concrete slab. These can be physical or chemical barriers.

Every building "moves" over time and most concrete slabs will show hairline cracks. These cracks can allow termites to gain undetected access to the property. To know more about Concrete Termites, visit the Bug Out Pest Solutions website or call 0426263320.

Termites can be extremely destructive. It is important that you contact your local termite specialist to have a comprehensive termite inspection and treatment plan for your home.

There is nothing in concrete to provide termites with any nutrition. The tiny pests are only interested in cellulose, which is found in wood and other plant materials. This is why they build extensive mud tunnels through or around concrete and other building materials to get at the wood behind them.

Many homes in Brisbane are built from slab on ground construction and this leaves the foundation vulnerable to attack by termites. Termites easily access the foundation through cracks, gaps and areas where pipes pass through concrete.

The good news is that you can prevent this by having a termite barrier in place. A termite barrier uses chemical barriers in the soil around your home to stop termites entering. It should be installed by a licensed and accredited termite control specialist. It is recommended that you have a full termite inspection to Australian Standards carried out prior to installing a barrier this allows the technician to map out and correct treatment proposal for your specific situation.

Modern concrete slab homes were constructed to stop termites getting close to the house, however, as time passes and a home ages it’s not uncommon for hairline cracks to form around plumbing or electrical piping and conduits. Since subterranean termites need moisture to survive, these cracks are an easy entry point for termites looking to get closer to their food source.

These cracks aren’t just a problem for your property value, but they can also cause damage to the substructure of your house. Termites enter through these cracks and create mud tunnels that compromise your foundation.

The best way to protect your concrete home from termites is by having a termite barrier treatment put in. This can be a physical or chemical barrier. A physical barrier is a strip of plastic that’s injected with termiticide and laid down underneath your concrete slab. A chemical barrier involves digging a trench around your home, filling it with a termiticide, and covering the trench back up. Regardless of which type of barrier is used, it’s vital that you continue to have regular 12 monthly termite inspections.

Most people are aware that termites eat wood, but don’t realize concrete slabs can also be entry points for the pests. Subterranean termites can enter through cracks in a concrete foundation, expansion joints or untreated hollow spaces around plumbing. These voids may be hidden by carpeting, flooring or walls. A hole just about the size of a termite head or width of a business card is all it takes for the pests to gain access.

You can spot termite entries by looking for mud tunnels that are extending out of the soil and crossing non-wood surfaces around the house. The tubes are designed to protect the termites from predators, minimize moisture loss and reduce friction against the earth as the insects travel. If you find mud tunnels, don’t disturb them; knocking them down can cause the termites to move underground faster. Instead, you should call a Chandler termite and pest control specialist to inspect the area.

Termites are known as the silent destroyers, because they can do a lot of damage before you even know something is wrong. They can burrow right up to the foundation of a house, causing damage that could cost you thousands.

The best way to protect against this is to have a physical or chemical barrier installed before you build your home. These barriers prevent the termites from being able to access your property by either physically tunneling up through cracks or using mud tunnels to get around the concrete slab.

You can also check for wood shavings or mud tunnels on the ground, which may indicate termite activity. If you see these signs, contact a termite pest control expert immediately to inspect your property. Termite attacks are expensive, and the longer you leave it, the more damage it will cause to your foundation and other parts of the structure of your house. A termite inspection is the best way to detect early signs of a problem. To know more about Concrete Termites, visit the Bug Out Pest Solutions website or call 0426263320.

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