#about shit that doesn't matter in that context

[guywrestlingaddiction]

That Wresting Moment: Exotic dancer v dancer - Jose v Gino Ponti (bgeast.com)

Gay wrestling has searched far and wide for the elite and today we continue our journey looking at the type of wrestler that does it best.  Last time we looked at models, so this time we'll find out if Male strippers/exotic dancers do it best with Jose v Gino Ponti (bgeast.com).

Jose v Gino Ponti (bgeast.com)

SPOILER ALERT: I highly recommend viewing this match in its entirety before reading this post.

The Backstory

One of the many things I love about Bgeast is that they provide a ton of context and background for their fighters.  Is there a rivalry at stake?  Were our wrestlers best friends?  Often this exposition took place during some trash talking or pumping weights or in some of the earlier matches - in a erotic dance off...

Gino, the construction worker, is ready to build you up?

Okay that was lame, how about this - Gino, the builder, has really nailed it? 

Jose has no costume really, the man is just a sexy bad-ass

Remember that dog collar, it'll come into the picture later on.  

The Action

Around the 10 min mark, we are finally introduced to the fight and what would wrestling be without a bit of trash talk.  

Jose talks a lot of shit.  Jose: You want to touch me? Touch my chest.  You're making me horny [sarcasm]

There's something particularly satisfying about watching aggressively hetero Jose get taken down a notch.  

And yes, at times however, the moves can be a bit questionable...

The action can still be pretty hot nonetheless.  A straining and struggling Jose being held down like a punk was definitely hot. 

But what really makes this match is less dancing and more wrestling, especially your classic Heel-Jobber dynamic.  

How can you not love this?

Gino fights back with all he's got but it doesn't even dent mighty Jose; The guy simply bushes himself off.  I mean, could we ask for a better 'moment' than this?

The Moment 

But eventually Jose comes to dominate as we all knew he would.  The guy is built like batman and whatever resistance Gino puts up is simply no match for him.  Ultimately it comes down to a battle of personas and Jose simply has Gino beat on all accounts here.  To me, this is when things really begin in all it's gay wresting glory and it's this moment, when Jose takes control that truly makes this match.  

I've always thought that the thing that separates 'wrestling' from 'fighting' is the fantasy and over-the-top nature of it all.  We are talking about a serious matter - getting hurt - and turning it into something more.  It's clear to me that the male exaggeration, the almost silliness of it all, is something that exotic dancers have in spades, and absolutely why I love gay wrestling.  

Gino, controlled and collared

A sweaty, destroyed Gino is forcefully brought to his feet - only to be taken down once again.

Did I say Jose was built like Batman?  He's actually more like the ultimate supervillain of your nightmares in this match.

#gay wrestling #bgeast.com #Jose #Gino Ponti

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

Okay I just need to say that I knew I'd like this Tailstube as soon as I saw the thumbnail (after all, I am a Sonadails enjoyer, and Tails is literally in the middle of them in the thumbnail)

But I think probably something that stood out the most to me when I watched it was just

The hints that Shadow and Tails have a relationship outside of Sonic??

The first thing that tipped me off to this was that not only did Tails convince Shadow to join in on his show, he also convinced him to stick around to its natural end?? You know, Shadow. The guy you can't force to do anything and frequently will just dip if he's bored or doesn't want to be there. But even while Sonic was annoying him and he made it clear he wanted the "interview" over with, he still never made a move to chaos control out of there because of any of this.

And the second thing that tipped me off was this:

When Shadow is both confused and annoyed at Sonic, he chooses to complain to Tails about Sonic. And so Tails steps in to try to "explain" what Sonic meant by what he said (i.e he told Shadow something much nicer in the interest of getting them to be on better terms). The fact that he looks to Tails to complain to about Tails' own best friend and possibly even to explain that which he does not understand in a social context tells me just how highly he regards Tails. And since both Shadow and Sonic are being childish here, it's amusing to see Tails regarded as something closer to a trusted figure with more power here.

From an objective analysis standpoint, of course this means they have their own friendship. And this is a prospect I enjoy (The idea that Tails and Shadow are good friends)! It actually means a lot to me that Tails could form a frienship or bond with Shadow outside of the context of Sonic (in terms of who initiates it and for what reason it's initiated).

But, my friends, from a biased standpoint, I'm shipping trash. And to me this Tailstube was a fun show for Sonadails fans. Honestly, Tails staging this episode to get Sonic and Shadow to talk and "bury the hatchet", as well as how he acts during the show, read a lot to me personally like a guy trying to get his two boyfriends (who happen to be rivals) to get on better terms, if not just tolerate each other. I quite like the idea of Tails dating both of these idiots and just trying to get them to play nice when they're all together (although frankly I think the ideal scenario for Tails in my biased reading is that Sonic and Shadow get together as well).

This is also not to mention the dynamics showcased here! Sonic and Tails as best friends, with Sonic assuming that he and Tails were gonna talk shit about Shadow behind his back, and Tails trying to get him to play nicer. Shadow and Tails as friends, with Tails trying to convince him why he and Sonic are in the perfect position to become friends and helping him out socially, and with Shadow choosing to do something he doesn't want to because of Tails, as well as looking to Tails to complain to when Sonic is annoying him or when he doesn't understand something. And then there's Sonic and Shadow. In short, their relationship in this episode reminded me a lot of the dynamic I plotted out for that Sonadow post I wrote up where the two just beat the crap out of each other. In slightly longer terms, I find interesting how Mr. Flynn maintained Sonic and Shadow's dynamic during SA2 (with Sonic bothering Shadow and trying to fight him, while Shadow is just annoyed that Sonic won't leave him alone) while also showing the audience that they are rivals. And in longer terms...Sonic was clearly seeking a fight during this episode. And the facial expression, the mocking, his tone of voice, it doesn’t really matter whether or not he actually dislikes Shadow and believes they could never be friends. He's trying to annoy Shadow and goad him into a fight because he wants to fight Shadow so badly it makes him look stupid. And we can tell by how he expresses his confusion to Tails that Shadow is just not getting this. To him Sonic is just being annoying and confusing. Sonic is targeting him specifically, and Shadow shoots back with his own words. And so it's also pointed that Shadow reciprocates/actually decides to fight Sonic when Sonic specifically challenges him. He doesn't respond to Sonic trying to goad him on, but when Sonic challenges him specifically he's much more interested in opposing him.

Anyways guys I love Shadow and Tails having a soft on the side relationship while Sonic flirts by convincing Shadow to fight him somehow😂💖

#sonic the hedgehog #tailstube #sonadails #sonshadails #sonadow #sontails #shadails #shadow the hedgehog #tails the fox #miles tails prower #i just be ramblin #man there are so many things about this episode #Another personal favorite interaction was when #Tails: Come on could you try to just say one nice thing about each other? One compliment? Please? #Sonic‚ mockingly: Anything you can do I can do better #Shadow: Yeah? Do it then. Prove it. #Sonic: Ah crap he called my bluff #Sonic: I uh...I love the way you...chaos control? #Tails: Okay. You do one now Shadow #Shadow: I uh... I also love the way you chaos control. ...It's impressive that you could do it with a fake emerald #Tails: See? You can compliment each other! Sorta #Sonic is on the aro/ace spectrum to me but to me his most compelling relationships are always little buddy effect related and knuckles #effect related #Which just means that he tends to hold relationships like his and Tails highly (and has taken more than one little buddy)‚ but is also #attracted to people who have tried to kill him. What can I say? He loves the softness and domesticity of having a smaller loyal partner as #he loves the danger and exhilaration of fighting/racing a strong opponent #Sonic and Shadow fighting (and especially Sonic trying to get Shadow to fight him on purpose) is just baseline what the two need #for 'toxic yaoi' so if someone can't even handle how hostile they were during the tailstube then... #Anyways‚ how we feelin Sonshadails fans?

[fortunorsa]

I Just had a Dream about Human care bears and i had to draw robbie's design rq She was so pretty omg

#care bears #care bears unlock the magic #robbie bad crowd #robbie utm #humanized version #it was a hella weird dream. it was like... the utm theme song sequence but with the human desings and no good luck and for some reason- #-bluster had a castle and in the end there was this scene where Robbie and Grumpy where on a flying machine-something and while grumpy was- #-getting down Robbie pleases her (the grumpy in my dream was a girl for some reason) not to leave her because she was pregnant??? #and she said that like the child was grumpy's??? #and then when Robbie finishes grumpy got up and starts to insult her in rap god velocity #about shit that doesn't matter in that context #it was weird ass.... #i can't believe this was my first care bears dream omg

[poisonousquinzel]

I dont understand how the same man who wrote the absolute insulting atrocity that is the Harley & Ivy comic (and the fuckint Harvest comic i stg) is the same one behind the Harley & Ivy episode and this

[Ivy disappearing on the other line is because she Immediately left when she heard what Joker had said.

She may have been teasing Harley and laughing at first when she was going on about all the things planned for her birthday night with her love, probably because Ivy knows he doesn't have a romantic hone in his entire body. but the second he Actually did something, he pulled the plug on her special night because he wanted to go do the "Yacht Club Job", she wasn't having it.

"No way was that going to happen."

"Look at her smile. Isn't this better than robbing that stuffy old yacht club? So glad I ran into you en route."

Just those lines of hers :')

Like even though she thinks he sucks and she knows he probably wouldn't have made the night as wonderful as Harley deserved in the first place, damnit she deserved Something. something other than him leaving her behind on standby in case they need a get away driver.]

like does this man flip a coin every time he writes Ivy and decides whether or not he wants to characterize her accurately or make her essentially a joker stand in purely so they can add plain ol' slapstick humor. it's fucking baffling to me. like who the fuck creates a character who's in YOUR og canon an abuse victim and the literal episode her and Ivy meet in that fact is reiterated time and time again. it built Ivy up as someone that really is going to care about her and wants to help her improve her mental health because he's destroyed her self esteem.

and then to take that bond YOU made and throw them into a disgusting, over sexualized comic that you incorporate fucking slapstick humor into?!?! Like wtf is wrong with him how do you manage to create a couple great (female centric) stories but most of the time just come off as nasty and frankly sexist.

p*ul d*ni i just wanna talk, i swear i will not viciously bite your ankles i swear

#i honestly dont think he intended on the ivy in that being plant ivy but uh she is :) green skinned ivy in the btas is a fucking plant. #im just clarifying that because it doesn't really matter in the context of what I'm saying #but i dont wanna confuse anyone cause ik ive talked about plant ivy before #what ive learned since joining the fandom is that uh fucking no one communicated #when writing the comics so shit gets weird and stupid because they cant... idk come up with a over arching plot? #it wouldnt be that hard to decide that chapters 3 12 and 17 are going to be ones they appear in together #and plan... #and commuinate with each other what's happened leading up to this #lore and costume wise and this is how their arc will progress throughout each of their chapters. #but no :))))) #harley quinn #harleen quinzel #poison ivy #pamela isley #dc comics #harlivy

[solradguy]

Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.

it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages

While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.

The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.

#asks #Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole) #I know exactly how these people function because I was there once... #When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do #Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care #All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did) #I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing? #I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else #People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified #It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic #I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally #I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol #Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized #'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man' #It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly. #There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now #Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently #Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context #So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care

[danthropologie]

always funny 2 me when i go on a blocking spree and my follower count goes down. what were u doing here 🤨

#anon i'm not gonna post for obvious reasons like you said but i agree with pretty much everything you said #i would only disagree to say that it doesn't really matter what the context of the question was #anything beyond no comment was unnecessary and stupid at best actively harmful at worst #there was just no reason to say anything even if he knew the outcome even if the framing of the question was leading etc etc etc #oh also i would say that the company's handling of the situation has been an absolute shit show from the very beginning #to the point where i could even go as far as to say the press and rb themselves share equal blame for the turn it took #anyways!! no one else send anons about this we're not talking about it anymore it's not gonna be productive #m:text #mine

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also a special shoutout for real like wendy epic ableism moments when she stops talking directly to winston and expresses this is b/c he communicates too incorrectly (here too literally or whatever, once again whether he misinterpreted her or she misinterpreted him, it's put on him) and thus he doesn't deserve that

#winston billions #and i mean handshake with how winston's basically not considered allowed to talk at all by anyone out here #but like. alright we're not showing that winston is in the room mostly for a joke but even randos are like ''hmm. bit impolite'' lol #but once we do see him b/c he's speaking....like actually it Is heinously rude / diminishing / infantilizing to be spoken to indirectly #and The Behavior Is Inherently Ableist Here like ofc it's probably rude no matter what outside some kind of rly specific contexts lol but #that here she Is just implying he doesn't get to be spoken to b/c of some shortcoming / assumed lack of capacity #whatever she Does mean by ''see the matrix'' which is nothing but convenient vagueness abt Ability anyways #he's only here b/c she thinks he's annoying or w/e or otherwise extrinsically showing lack of value (can't be ableism there....) #and like winston and any other character is like. it's not textual sure but it doesn't need to be Textually Labeled #and sometimes can't be when ppl absolutely write based of ppl they know / encounter but don't know are autistic or etc #and that's how it works irl too. someone being Officially(tm) Autistic or smthing shouldn't be some necessary disclosure #b/c it's about The Underlying Principles At Play vs making some approved ''exceptions.'' if he's supposedly allistic it's still sm shit. #like how trans ppl & transphobia could exist prior to those terms even existing to be used. ppl are affected by them w/o being Out.... #& btw like ppl still saying some shit like ''some autistic ppl will just be Bad At / Have No Social Skills & you have to be chill abt it'' #like what does [social skills] mean here. what's the underlying element of socializing that they may do differently but you say is a Worse #or Absent version of the ''normal'' way of going about things. even if you actually get specific enough abt what a ''skill'' is; which is #gonna be a non universal non rule probably inaccurate idea of a Normal(tm) pattern of behavior/approach; sure maybe some ppl will struggle #to do that or largely/entirely not be able to do it / be unwilling to do it; gasp; what's its goal/effect & do they pursue/achieve that #another way. e.g how much AAC could be considered inherently ''bad'' re socializing or a lack of w/e ''skills'' or etc. #then like ok so once again a begrudging exception for autistic ppl is made. what's ''being okay with'' that even look like then? is anyone #gonna be using their ''good social skills'' to more successfully interact w/them? is Not socially excluding / ostracizing / punishing an #autistic person an Exception / something Extra you heroically do? e.g. & so what if some theoretical person isn't socially engaging w/other #ppl in any way. what do & don't they ''deserve'' differently from others b/c of that. #& anyways meanwhile they're certainly talking abt winston's Capabilities. but mostly talking around it b/c the point is He Gets Results & #will keep getting those results b/c why wouldn't he. but they can just cite anything to argue why oh but he doesn't Really have the value #cue vague shit like matrix refs b/c if he was Reeally talented we'd think he acts right. b/c Any bs can be said b/c winston doesn't have #the insulation or backup or ability to independently wield/gain social status his way through this shit. is only allowed to talk to #coworkers abt it by making it abt taylor actually (which is also true). still only makes it b/c rian is correctly remaining in the #acceptable range of being offbeat. so she already has more power than him & can choose to keep him around as that fun punching bag ig yay #then nobody cares. also he can't say he controls an instrument but Others refer to ''genius'' but negatively. wendy rhoades Would do ABA fr

[flockofteeth]

ive had appointments with the nurse for my care agency recently and when she asked how my carers were i said generally good apart from one lady who turned out to be racist, but i think she's refusing to take on shifts with me anyway

(the old bag brought up politics, a baffling decision to make in a professional context anyway, then said something very racist about politicians of a particular race and i refused to let it slide ... i was proud of myself actually she was never gonna change her mind but i used it as an opportunity to practice calling someone in, we had quite a long civil conversation till she suddenly denied that settlers killed anyone & started losing it at which point i was like hmm lets stop here .... she mysteriously never came back lol)

anyway that's all to say it turns out that the nurse wrote "no racists" in the specifications for what carers are suitable for me lmfao

#its interesting she was the first of several people i've talked to recently who when you point out that their prejudice #isn't fair/doesn't make sense/is shitty/whatever they will agree with you and then immediately return to expressing the prejudice #like intellectually they grasp that it's wrong & not logical but they are prioritising their feeling #about the matter #the other one is a lady who unfortunately has embraced some aspie supremacy shit from temple grandin #while in a different context said she didn't like genetic engineering because it was too close to eugenics #people are ... fascinating 🤔 #it me

[nivq87]

related thoughts:

my butterfly chasing has me tinkering with my tumblr blog page, and it's a wip atm (the html needs a LOT of adjusting atm) and my about and tags pagers are pretty out of date. so, I'll try and work on that over the week I suppose

my complaining tag hasn't been used in a few years. at first I thought I was just trying harder to keep the negativity off my blog (which I also do) but then I was actually reading some of the posts and. oh gosh. those were some Big emotions I was dealing with. Glad to not be That guy anymore. Your 20's really just kinda suck, but since you're out of your teens it feels unfair because you should be Beyond such angst. but. nope. apparently it'll keep going a bit longer. Fascinating collection of posts over the years as a retrospective.

#ftr the complaining tag isn't and won't ever be listed in the tags page #while I'm working on these I might also go back and make them all nonrebloggable too #probably my covid whining could've gone in the complaining tag #but like it sucked but the timing of it was so atrociously bad I kinda also came back around to being funny. #one of those posts that i was looking through from when I was... I guess about 24ish? #idr what the context was but I was apparently mad at my family to the point of being invited to leave #and i elected to sit there visibly and uncomfortably seething so that my upset could be witnessed. #I just DO NOT have that kinda energy anymore lmao? #which is a relief #I don't think I'll ever Like my birthday but maybe now that I don't have the energy for such Big Feelings #about shit that doesn't actually matter. that maybe my birthday introspection can keep this kinda tone going forward. #I don't mind this kind of thing. it's interesting for sure to look back #but so many of my birthdays in my 20's I just was so depressed and those feelings of like #wasting my life away and not doing EVERYTHING #getting another ticker on my age tally right when the calendar really compounded that feeling #so many of those birthdays were spent on crying jags. like. covid. but I didn't cry this year! woo! and I just teared up slightly last year #growth! I hope! #why am i rambling

[taraxacum-vulpes]

:qiqifallen:

#REX??!????!? #THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; #we were both thinking it #it's just a matter of time #hnnsndnfhshsna ;;;;;;; #for context he j started going on abt how #it'd start by casually telling emil you were betrothed to whoever #him being a bit ???? #and reassuring him that it was fine #nothing woulf happen for years #and then. years would pass #and yeah everything is happening but it doesn't feel quite real #like it's still in the future #until emil confronts you about it #this shit is happening Soon and i don't think it would be wise to continue. whatever we had. #then it suddenly all hits you like Oh Shit This Is Happening #!! emil kisser arc

[drydak]

one thing about me is i will always be morally disgusted by certain ships. sorry. maybe you shouldn't ship something that fucking sucks

#also why i do not interact with many people in a f*ndom context i just cannot do it #this is about shipping a pairing who when they met one was 25 and suddenly in charge of raising the other one who was like 10 #sorry i think it's gross and is so sucks. no i'm not. i just think you need to make it more #clear you support it so i can block you #also this is so secondary to everything else bad about it but it completely misunderstands both of their characters you guys don't get themm #it doesn't matter anyways bc anyone who would care doesn't follow me sorry i just saw a post that was like 'shippers of this ship don't be #mean (on a poll between ours and this others) to shippers of the other ship it's not cool! and i go and look at it and first of all i've #already blocked the op. and second of all it's a filtered tag. and third of all it's my most hated sw ship of all time. for the above reason #and it's like. sorry. i don't give a shit about whatever pr*ship bullshit u have going on bye #but i have to post about it. u understand

[fma03envy]

.

#(see prev post 4 context. ig) #and like. I keep reminding myself it's like with my current special interest (the one too cringe for me to post about on main iykyk) #He's stated that he's never going to read that shit with me and. Like I'd prefer if he did #and think that us doing that together would be a lot of fun for me #but ultimately all I'm losing here is a potential pastime/hobby #(this would b a better analogy if he wasnt willing 2 *listen* 2 me talk about said SpIn for literal hours but lets ignore that for a sec.) #(... god I do NOT deserve him) #if I want to get closer to him there are other ways of doing that! #like you know! hanging out with him more and not pushing him away over this! #no matter what I DON'T want him to feel like I was only his friend in the hopes of being fwb. he doesn't deserve that whatsoever #esp not on top of everything else he's going through. #but I just. god feel so drained. #and I can't vent to any of my other friends about it because it would feel like a saying shit behind his back #even venting here I'm not saying a lot of stuff going on with us for his privacy. #just. god #Adrien says stuff #(ignore me community labelling smth this tame I just thought like. better safe than sorry yk.)

[haarute]

remembering how i not only filled my school folders with drawings, but also i drew elaborate things on my desk all the time out of boredom, and i actually met the girl who went to the afternoon shift in the same classroom and spot i sat at during that year as she was a cosplayer i briefly met for being in the local anime con scene.

i once tried to talk to her to maybe make friends with her, but she was very dismissive of me, and at a later date she just left me a message on our desk telling me to stop drawing stupid things and erased most of it, at which point i just felt really bad and never bothered or saw her again.

#like sure i get it you don't want some rando messing up your desk. but also these desks were all fucked up and filled with shit anyway #random signatures gross insults cheating text etc. #so i wouldn't have thought that me drawing some elven dude in erasable pencil amongst that would have meant much #but also that really doesn't matter? i'm just thinking about how that's like my history with friendships in retrospect #where i make a weak attempt at communicating with someone and immediately feel like i did something wrong and should leave #when honestly maybe she just wasn't very cool to begin with. or wasn't interested in making friends. whatever really. #and she doesn't have to have been. but it's also not something i should have been hard on myself for. #like i'm just reminiscing about how i have a really twisted perspective of what is 'allowed' in any given social context #because of experiences like those since i was a kid (plus issues with my parents) #and i always feel like i'm overstepping and should just leave as a result. #and now that i'm in my late 20s is when the reality of this not being normal or healthy is becoming really apparent #but i don't know if that damage can be undone at this point sooo. lmao. #it is a work in progress. or so i like to think.

[troublefemme]

...

#screaming #some things have been sincerely getting on my nerves #implicitly screaming for a person who's not a part of a group to not want to speak for said group #doesn't matter I'm just upset #biting screaming maiming stabbing because there's just so much lack of tact. lack of context+understanding outside of the personal bubble #anyways off to write all that in my journal #just so fucking disappointing #I'm gonna have some sleep before i decide what else I'm going to do bc i don't want to be hyper reactive since it does bother me on others #I'm so angry this feels like a massive ''i don't give a shit about you''

[moe-broey]

Bruh moment

#i'm not giving details there is way too much that is way too personal but holy fuckinh shit #there was an Event that i have been like mentally preparing for since fuckinh winter. a bad one. #but i was fully fucking committed to it even when more horrible things came to light that just left me more conflicted #i don't fucking care. it was my choice. even if i even up fucking myself up after i don't fuckinh care. i'm prepared for anything. #well it doesn't even matter now! and not even in a good way! bc my mom is fucking sick!!! and now i'm just worried about her!!! #i literally have described this as an ordeal as something hazardous that's dangerous and i don't trust ANYONE on that side #of my fucking family to even comprehend what i feel and why i feel it. i knew i would be largely on my fucking own hours away from safety. #but it was my fucking choice and i was fully committed to it no matter the cost. #one context i guess as a treat it was a funeral. when that family member passed ground was frozen. so. #last time i went to a funeral it was just so sudden and the service was so quickly arranged (ground no longer frozen) #that like. yes there was grief but it wasn't all consuming. as painless as something like that can be #this one though. has been eating away at me ever since i fucking heard about it. #i'm not giving more details. way too much. but trust that there are significant reasons as to why it's been. such an experience. #and after all of fuckibg that it just ends like this??? mom is too sick to go. i was doing this for her. #i need to tear my flesh off my bones this is literally so fuckinh stupid. i am SO unwell about this state of affairs actually #OH BUT. I AM SOOOOOO FUCKING NORMAL. I AM GOING FATHERS DAY SHOPPING W MY SISTERS #AND I'M GONNA BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK FUCKING NORMAL ABOUT IT