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luviedovey · 4 years

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the you i fell in love with

connor murphy x female!reader

a/n: not me writing a fic about mike faist’s connor murphy 2 years after he left the show...... also Connor is probably ooc

summary: you were Connor’s girlfriend who lived in the next town over, a little over a half hour away. his family didn’t know about you, no one did. he didn’t want his family or anyone he knew to scare you away. in the end, it didn’t really matter. he was gone. when the Connor Project came to be and Evan resigned from being co-president, you ran into him. you questioned him about his “friendship” with Connor and he told you everything.

set after the Murphy’s find out the truth and before the Evan/Zoe reunion at the orchard.

second person pov

warning: a few swear words, also very brief mention of depression and taking your own life, and Larry Murphy kind of being a dick

word count: 5,573

______

“Who are you exactly?” Evan questioned the girl who pulled him off to the side of the supermarket where no one else was around. To say he was a little nervous would be an understatement, he was freaking out on the inside.

“I’m so sorry! I probably scared you half to death dragging you along like that.. I just have some questions for you, if you don’t mind answering..?” You smiled at him sheepishly. Something about your awkward smile eased his mind a bit, but not enough. “No, sorry my mom actually is waiting for me by the-” “It’s about Connor!” You interrupted, looking at him through sad, heartbroken eyes. “..Please. Evan Hansen. I know you weren’t really friends with him. I know you weren’t even secret friends with him.. Because if you were, I would’ve known.”

Evan looked around before looking back at you, confused. “Who are you?” He asked for the second time. “I’m- I was Connor’s girlfriend. Y/N L/N. I met him 2 years ago at the apple orchard you guys rebuilt? We both went there because we thought that no one else would be there and that it would be the perfect place to escape. His family and classmates never knew about me because he-” you laugh slightly,” he was afraid they would take me away from him. Or that his family would fight in front of me and he’d lose his cool or that his sister would say nasty things about him to ‘spare me from being in a relationship with him’ or even that the bullies at his school would turn me against him even though he knew damn well I could never.” You stopped rambling and passed him a Polaroid picture of the two of you, sitting against the chain link fence that surrounded the old abandoned apple orchard. You were looking up at Connor with heart eyes as he smiled back down at you. A real smile. This was the real Connor Murphy.

Evan looked up from the picture at you, shocked before quickly returning it to you. “Oh my god... You must think I’m such a h- horrible person for doing all this and pretending to be best friends with your- your dead boyfriend- I’m so sorry for your loss by the way- and making up all these stories about things we never really did and starting a whole online campaign about-” “Evan!” He stopped ranting, breathing heavily. “Breathe, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth. Relax.”

It was silent for a moment before Evan mumbled a quiet, “Thank you.”

You smiled knowingly. “Now. Mind telling me everything?”

The two of you sat in your old beat up truck, as Evan told you everything. And by everything i mean everything. He started from the very beginning, “My dad left when I was 7 so now it’s just me and my mom. She works all the time at the hospital to support us and to pay for her education- she’s studying to be a paralegal- and so I’m usually home alone. I have anxiety so I take medication and go to therapy where I have to write a letter to myself hyping myself up for the day and trying to be positive and stuff-” “’Dear Evan Hansen’...”

He looked up from his hands at you, “Yeah.. Connor had one of my letters when he- um.. he took it from me earlier that day..” “It was your therapy letter? Why did he take it from you?” “Oh! You see he didn’t actually know it was a letter to myself for therapy he just thought I was being creepy and writing about his sister in a letter to print it out where he would find it and freak out and explode or something- That wasn’t why though, I didn’t even know he was in the room with me, I thought I was alone. He signed my cast before he read my letter, though. He said, ‘Now we both can pretend we have friends.’ Which is why I thought doing what I did would be okay but it wasn’t and it never will be and I really shouldn’t justify my actions because it was-” “Evan breathe.” “Right, sorry.” “Don’t apologize, it’s okay.” “Okay sor-” You gave him a pointed look.

“O-okay...” You giggled slightly, looking out of the window at the supermarket parking lot, “So.. he ran out with your letter, pissed because he thought you were fucking with him... And then he killed himself.” “Yeah.”

“So what happened after that?” “The Murphy’s showed up in the principal’s office three days later. I knew something was wrong because Connor and Zoe both weren’t in school and I know Connor skips but it’s not likely that they would both be out on the same days. Zoe doesn’t really skip school- she’s not that kind of person.” You nodded, gesturing to get to the point. “Right, they called me into the office because Connor had my letter and my name was on it so they thought the letter was for me. I tried to tell them it wasn’t- that I was the one who wrote it, but they were in denial. They kept reading parts of my letter back to me from memory, trying to make sense of it but I couldn’t tell them- I couldn’t get through to them....” He sighed.

“They invited me over to dinner and I went because I wanted to set the record straight but when I got there, they wanted to hear everything I knew about Connor. But I didn’t know anything, so whenever they brought something up I just nodded and agreed. Zoe was getting suspicious so I started to make things up. ‘Connor loved to talk about how much he hated skiing.’ ‘Connor took us to A La Mode and we ate our ice cream in the apple orchard where we climbed trees and raced across the open fields.’ ‘We would quote songs by our favorite bands.’ ‘We’d tell jokes no one else would understand.’ All lies. And they believed them. They wanted me to keep talking, they needed me to. They were broken and I just wanted to help them. I told them that we were friends on the internet where we’d email each other to talk about our day and stuff. And Connor would use a secret email account because he knew his dad was checking his regular email, and he didn’t want anyone to know we were friends.... Now that I think about it, this kind of sounds like your story.” You laughed, lightening the mood, and nodded.

“You know, you really aren’t that far off from who Connor was, despite the fact that you were making it up as you went. He wasn’t the monster that everyone thought he was. I mean sure in 2nd grade he pushed over a printer because he had a little tantrum about being skipped for line leader, but what kid doesn’t have a tantrum at least once in their life? It definitely didn’t help that all those kids grew up, making the story sound worse than it really was. He was always angry and stand-offish because everyone in his life would say shit about him that wasn’t true or be nice to him to get close enough to learn something new about him and then turn around and make fun of him for it. He was battling depression and needed help but his family didn’t want to believe there was anything actually wrong with him. I was the only one to believe him. To believe in him. But I’m just one person, and I guess that wasn’t enough..” You trailed off. Evan awkwardly put a hand on your shoulder, rubbing it with his thumb as a way to console you.

It was silent for a moment. “I think he would’ve liked you. It would’ve taken him a while to warm up to you, but I really do think the two of you could’ve been friends.” Evan smiled slightly, before frowning. “I pretended to be his friend for so long, but Alana- she’s the co-president of the Connor Project- started getting suspicious about our friendship, saying that the letters didn’t make sense because it sounded like Connor was getting better so I showed her Connor’s ‘suicide note’-” “Dear Evan Hansen, It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because, why would it be?”

“...Yeah. She believed me too. I told her not to show anyone because it was a really private thing, but she just said that was exactly what people needed to see. She posted it and people on the internet started to attack the Murphy’s, saying things like ‘They’re a rich family who couldn’t bother to pay for their son to get help?’ and ‘I’m not saying to do anything illegal but their house is the pale yellow house at the end of the cul de sac with a red door.’” Your hand flew to your mouth in shock. “They even leaked Zoe’s phone number and their house phone! Everything was just spiraling out of control and I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and the only thing I could think of to do was just.. them the truth. So I did and I told them everything. I wrote the letter, Connor took it from me, we weren’t really friends, and it was all a lie. I haven’t spoken to the Murphy’s since.” He fiddled with his hands in his lap and sighed. “And.. I’m scared. Scared that one day I’ll go to school and everyone will hate me or that the Murphy’s will ruin my life.. Not that I don’t deserve it, after what I did? I deserve worse.”

“Evan.. No one deserves that, especially not you. What you did wasn’t exactly the right thing to do but you had the best intentions.” He nodded silently, “What did you want to ask me earlier anyways?”

You turned, facing down at the wheel in front of you. “I wanted to ask you if you knew where he was buried.”, a tear slipped from your eye as you sighed, smiling sadly, “I didn’t exactly get to say goodbye..” “I could go with you if you’d like. To show you the way?”

“Thank you, Evan.”

___

During the ride to the cemetery, You and Evan talked, trying to lighten the mood, and quickly became best friends. The two of you didn't have so much in common but you were both very comfortable and supportive of each other. You were like the siblings neither of you had.

The two of you stepped out of the truck, and begun walking to Connor’s grave. “Oh! Hold on..” You turn back, grabbing a beautiful bouquet of red roses and pink tulips, with a small white card that said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you enough when you needed it, Connor. I will never forget you, mon amour. I love you, always.” Connor didn’t have a specific favorite flower but he did appreciate their meanings. Roses represent love, and tulips represent a declaration of love. You hoped that even though he was gone he would still appreciate the thought you put into it.

The two of you walked up to his grave. It was at this moment when it hit you that he was really gone forever. You dropped to your knees, carefully placing down the flowers. Tears streaming as you silently sobbed, Evan’s hand on your left shoulder and the ghost of Connor’s hand on your right.

“I’m sorry, Connor. I love you more than you’ll ever know..”

The two of you sat there in silence for a while, before agreeing to leave in case the Murphy’s decided to visit. Neither of you really wanted to run into them and have to explain who you were and why you were there. “Do you want to come over to my house? You look emotionally exhausted.” You laughed and nodded, starting up the car.

___

“Why didn’t you come to town sooner?” You sighed, “I just.. I didn’t want to believe that he was really gone, you know? And coming here, seeing his grave, and his grieving family just confirmed what I prayed wasn’t true.” You sipped on the hot chocolate in your hands, staring out of the window at the pouring rain and cloudy night sky. “Have you met them yet?” Evan mumbled, typing on his laptop on the couch beside you. He pulled up the Connor Project and read about all the many different things Alana was doing. “No.. But I feel like I should? Like I know things about Connor that would give them closure but I can’t bring myself to go over and talk to them.”

“If only there was a way for you to show them what Connor was really like so you wouldn’t have to talk to them...” It was silent for a moment, “Actually... Connor and I used to write each other handwritten letters and take a lot of pictures together..” “Well what are the odds..” he giggled, “Maybe you could give those to them? The ones that aren’t super personal?” You sat together deeply in thought.

“But I can’t exactly bring myself to just give them away... Maybe I could copy them and white out all the personal stuff? Like the things between me and Connor only, and my face and name?” Evan nodded, agreeing that that would be the best option. You’d create a box filled with things Connor wrote and pictures of when he was truly happy, then leave it on the Murphy’s doorstep. It was a safe, no-contact interaction.

___

The next night, you went over to Evan’s house with the box labeled “The Real Connor Murphy. (i’m so sorry for your loss.. i thought maybe you would like to have these to know who he really was.)” Evan gave you directions to the Murphy household. Eventually, you parked in front of the pale yellow house, all three cars were in the driveway. “You better be quick if you don’t want anyone to see you.. Just.. keep the car running, drop off the box, ring the doorbell, and book it back here and drive off. Don’t turn back.” “Okay super spy.” You laughed nervously.

You walked up to the door, placing the box neatly on the ground with a single rose and tulip tapped on the top, rang the doorbell, and ran off. You jumped into the car and drove off just as Evan, who was previously hiding away from the car window, saw the red front door begin to open.

___

“Larry!” Cynthia Murphy exclaimed, picking up the box from the front porch to the dinner table, placing it beside the small card they had found on a mysterious bouquet of flowers they found the day before against Connor’s gravestone. “What is that?” He asked, looking at it with disinterest. “I found it on the porch, it says ‘The Real Connor Murphy. I’m so sorry for your loss.. I thought maybe you would like to have these to know who he really was.’ It’s in the same handwriting as the note we found on that bouquet of flowers. It even has the same two flowers! It has to be the same person. Someone who really loved him...” “What’s inside?” Zoe asked while reading and rereading the small card.

Cynthia opened the box to find handwritten letters from Connor and a mystery girl, photos of Connor laughing, smiling, pouting, hugging and kissing someone with a scratched out face. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. This was the real Connor, a whole different version of him that the three were completely unaware of. Seeing him like this was just so unfamiliar to them, they couldn’t believe their eyes for a moment. Zoe picked up a letter, reading it aloud,

“Dear Y/N

Things haven’t been going so well lately, my parents are always fighting, my mom pretends like there’s nothing wrong, my dad doesn’t pay attention to anyone but himself anymore, and Zoe hates me.

Not that I blame her, I hate myself too. But I don’t hate myself when I’m around you. I’m so glad to have you around. You make life just a little easier every day.

It’s harder when you’re not around, I get angry easier when I get bullied at school or when Zoe says something awful about me. I just feel like I’m an airplane about to crash, but with you around I feel like I’m flying. Smooth sailing. Floating even. You are the most perfect girl I’ve ever met.

Thank you. I love you.

Sincerely, Con”

“He.. he had a girlfriend..?” She said, in shock. The three began to shuffle through the letters, photos, and little post-it notes, putting them in piles. “These are all copied..” “Maybe whoever left them didn’t want to give the originals away..?” “Maybe because she still cares about and loves him and didn’t want to give these away. They seem so.. personal.” Cynthia picked up a post-it note,

“Tu es belle Y/N, je t'adore.”

“What does that even mean?” Zoe pulled out her phone going straight to google translate, “It’s says ‘you are beautiful, i adore you.’.. I didn’t know Connor knew french.” “He never took a class for it. Maybe he learned it on his own?” Larry picked up a photo this time, Connor was standing in front of the apple orchard’s rotting old sign in the middle of the field, fake pouting and wearing a thin little flower crown you had made him. “I didn’t know Connor had any feelings other than anger.” Cynthia hit his arm. “Wait,” Zoe said, grabbing the attention of her bickering parents, “This letter has a picture and a post-it note attached to it.”

“Dear Con,

Thank you for the painting, it’s absolutely beautiful. You are so so talented. The way you put so much thought into every detail is truly admirable. You make everything you paint so exciting and captivating, even if the thing you’re painting isn’t very exciting at all. You see the beauty in the things that most people never give a second glance.

It kind of reminds me of the way I look at you.

To most people that don’t know you, you are a “freak” or “school shooter chic”. But, when I look at you, you are none of those things. You are beautiful, you are captivating, you are perfectly imperfect. You are worth it. Don’t give up on me darlin’.

I love you.

Sincerely, Y/N/N”

Attached to the letter was a photo of the painting mentioned. It was a painting of your beaten old navy blue truck parked beside a chain link fence that blocked it off from the open field. In the background, the sun was setting in a perfect blend of yellows, oranges, and reds. It was so detailed that if you weren’t already aware that it was a painting, you would’ve probably thought it was a photo taken from a fancy camera. “It really is beautiful..” Cynthia trailed off, wiping a stray tear that fell from her eye, “He was so talented. I didn’t even know he liked to paint! I mean I knew he took an art class but because he skipped school so much, I never even thought he went..”

“I guess we really didn’t know Connor at all..” Zoe begun to get angry, “What kind of family does that?! I mean we lived with him, I grew up with him, you two raised him, and we still didn’t even know who he was?! This.. this stranger even knew more about him than we did! Do you realize how sad this is? We have to learn about our dead family member from a complete stranger because when he was alive, we were too busy pretending like he was just acting out for attention instead of actually needing help! He needed help and we didn’t give it to him! It’s not like we couldn’t afford to take him to therapy! We just pretended like he was a monster and if we ignored him, he would stop..” She took a deep breath, “Maybe we were the monsters and his anger and tantrums were his cries for help...” “Zoe..” Cynthia reached for her arm but she pulled away, running up to her room while choking back tears. “..She’s right.”

The two were quiet for a long period of time, reading and rereading every letter and every note, memorizing every photo.

Cynthia held up a photo of Connor and a girl, whose face was completely scratched out, “Who are you..”

___

The next day was a particularly warm day so you and Evan drove over to A La Mode as a victory ice cream run of sorts. You really believed in treating yourself after small, seemingly insignificant, victories such as dropping off a box of precious letters to a grieving family. They needed closure, and you were willing to give it them. Evan, despite talking about A La Mode with the Murphy’s before, had never actually been. You two talked and ate your ice cream sitting in the back of your truck, looking out at the orchard across the street. The orchard was renamed the “Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard”, which made your heart a little heavy. Another reminder that he was really gone.

In the distance, on the other side of the fence sat the Murphy’s who were packing up from their weekly picnic. As they got up to walk out of the orchard, Zoe looked across the street. “Wait a minute..” Her parents stopped walking. “What is it Zoe?” Larry asked. She pointed at the car parked across the street, “Isn’t that the car that Connor painted his girlfriend in that letter? And Evan?” They looked across the street to find the same navy blue truck and a familiar face.

Evan paled, “The Murphy’s are looking at us!” he whisper-shouted. You began to turn around, but Evan stopped you. “No don’t look!” Your head whipped back to him as your face paled, “They recognized my car..” “How could they? It was night time when you dropped off the box and the door barely begun to open as you drove away..”

You smiled sheepishly, “I may or may not have given them a picture of a painting Connor made me of my truck parked beside that exact fence...” Evan facepalmed and gave you a deadpanned look. “Well they’re starting to walk across the street now.”

You shot up, “Let’s go.” “I mean would it be so bad to meet his parents?” Evan asked as the two of you scrambled into the front seats. “I’m just.. I’m not ready to have that conversation just yet.” You reversed out of the parking spot and drove back onto the road.

“Wait!” The Murphy’s shouted to the car as it begun to drive off. “There was a girl driving. Maybe that was her?” Cynthia asked, hopefulness clear in her voice. “She was with Evan, do you think the box of letters were fake?” Larry, always the optimist. “They couldn’t be, they were handwritten in Connor’s handwriting. Even the french notes.”

Zoe thought for a moment, “Well if we’re going to find her, we should probably start with Evan’s place first.” “Who said we were going to look for her?” Larry asked, “I’m not wasting my time on a wild goose chase. She’s already shown us enough about Connor.”

Cynthia turned to her husband, “How could you say that? She could be the one thing to bring us closer to our son. Our son who took his own life because he felt that that was the only path left for him. And you don’t want to try to find her? Find closure? Honestly Larry, what is wrong with you lately!” “I’m sorry. We’ll find her.”

___

The Murphy’s found themselves at the Hansen household. They knew you were there. After all, your truck was parked in the driveway. Inside were you, Heidi, and Evan. You had just met Heidi, but she loved you. She was thrilled to find that Evan had made a friend like you. You hung out with Evan even after learning he lied about being friends with your recently deceased boyfriend, and helped him when he started to rant and breathe heavy about it. You were so kind-hearted, forgiving, and calm by nature, that he was finally comfortable around someone. You were quickly best friends.

A knock at the door startled the three of you. “Are you guys expecting anyone?”, Heidi stood up to get the door as you and Evan turned to each other. He placed a hand on your shoulder to comfort you. “I suppose now’s a good time as ever, even though I really only had 24 hours to prepare myself..” You muttered, the two of you walking towards the front door.

The Murphy’s stopped and stared at you. “Are you.. Were you Connor’s girlfriend?” Cynthia asked. You nodded slightly, rubbing your arm as a nervous habit. “I’m Cynthia, this is Larry and Zoe.. We’re Connor’s family.” “I know.”

Heidi invited them in, everyone heading to the living room. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.. We just wanted to thank you for all the letters and photos of Connor. It feels like we’re finally getting to know who he really was on the inside.” You looked up from your lap, “No offense ma’am, but shouldn’t you have gotten to know your own son when he was still around?”

Zoe laughed, awkward and uncomfortable. “I really don’t think that’s funny.. especially considering you didn’t bother to get to know him either.” You said getting defensive, sticking up for Connor. Even if he was gone, you would never stop fighting for him. You did truly love him after all. “And before you say ‘Connor wasn’t easy to talk to. He would always yell and storm off.’, just think about the fact that having a relationship with someone is a two way street. You can’t expect someone to make an effort if you don’t try to do the same.”

The three looked at her in shock. Heidi and Evan smiling sheepishly in the background. “I..”, Larry started, but trailed off, not being able to come up with a proper response. Cynthia and Zoe looked deep in thought, unable to do the same.

It was quiet for a long amount of time.

“You’re right. You’re right and I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. And the only thing we could do now is learn from our mistakes. We don’t exactly know how we’re going to do that but we’re willing to try. And we’re hoping that you could help us? Help us figure out what to do and help us learn about who Connor was?” Zoe finally spoke up, her parents nodding along in agreement.

You were trying to heal from everything that happened and them putting all their hope on you wasn’t really helping. But maybe grieving together would allow everyone to heal and remember him in a more positive way? At least you hoped.

There’s a lot of hope pinned on others here.

“I suppose helping you all would let us heal.. together?” You said, slightly questioning your own words, turning toward Evan. He shrugged, giving you a thumbs-up. “But I don’t feel comfortable talking about Connor unless Evan is around.” You paused, “It’d be nice to have a familiar face around and we’re practically best friends now.. so..” “Yes of course.” The three stood up, walking to the front door, “We’ll come back here at 11AM tomorrow and drive to the orchard for a picnic if that’s alright with the two of you?” You and Evan nodded simultaneously. “Are you allergic to anything dear?”

With the shake of your head and a quick goodbye from Evan and Heidi, the Murphy’s were off.

“Am I doing the right thing here? Connor didn’t even want his family to known I existed! And now we’re going on a picnic with them? Where I have to talk about him?” You sat down, head in your hands as a headache begun to grow. Heidi placed her hand on your shoulder gently, “It’s going to be tough right now, and it’s going to be emotionally draining, I’m sure. But, if you really think that they deserve to know who he really was, that how they perceive him is wrong, then I think you are doing the right thing. You’re helping them, you’re helping yourself, and you’re helping Connor. You did say that he wanted to change the way people saw him. And you’d be doing that for him, even if he’s not physically around to see it happen.”

“Thank you, Heidi.”

___

“It’s really nice of you to agree to meet us here, Y/N. And Evan, it’s nice to have you here too.” Cynthia smiled, putting down a blanket for the picnic. Everyone sat down in an awkward silence.

“So... is.. is there anything you wanted to know that wasn’t already in the letters?” You asked, picking at the blades of grass beside you. Evan slapped your hand away from the grass, silently scolding you in true forest ranger fashion for messing with nature. The Murphy’s turned to each other, silently debating what to say and who would say it. No surprise to you and Evan that the one to speak up was Cynthia. The past couple of hours really showed that she was the only one who seemed to care, at least a little bit, about Connor when he was around, though Zoe and Larry were trying their best now.

“Why didn’t Connor bring you around to meet the family? It really seemed like you brought so much light to his life. I mean, you brought out parts of him that we didn’t even know existed!” “We thought he was a monster...” Zoe muttered sadly.

Your heart ached for this family, they really knew nothing about him.. “Connor didn’t bring me around because he was afraid you’d all ‘scare me off’,” you laughed slightly, “And Connor may have been a monster to you, but the real Connor was never a monster, to me or to anyone in my small town. In the next town over, no one knew who Connor was or what he’d done in the past. It was like a fresh start. Which I knew he desperately needed. I mean, with all the people bullying him, hurting him physically or emotionally or both, and spreading fake rumors about him since he was in the second grade? He was angry and hurting and he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he would lash out. But wouldn’t you react the same way? Build up walls so people wouldn’t hurt you? Isolate yourself so people couldn’t get close enough to?”

It went silent again, the only sound was the wind blowing in the summer breeze and the trees rustling in the background.

“She’s right.”

Everyone looked up, faces showing some form of shock. Larry continued, “All that stuff was going on in school and we made it worse for him at home. He asked us for help and we always assumed he was doing for attention. No matter how hard we tried to be a perfect family, we never were and we probably never will be.”

Zoe wiped away a stray tear. “Even though you couldn’t save your kid, maybe there’s a way you could save someone else’s?” He turned to you with a questioning glance. “I mean you have to admit, you’re a pretty wealthy family, maybe you can spend some time donating to suicide prevention hotlines and foundations that were created specifically to help those who are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts like Connor was? I know for a fact that Connor hated the way that he felt, and would never want anyone to go through what he’d been going through, no matter how much of an asshole they were.”

Cynthia reached over to you, placing a hand on your knee, smiling as tears fell freely from her face, from all of their faces. “That’s a brilliant idea, Y/N.”

___

The picnic went on as you told them stories of your’s and Connor’s adventures together. Jumping over the fence to lay around in the yellow fields of the old orchard, helping your mom arrange flowers in her flower shop (he would always make sure his bouquets were well thought out in their meaning), buying junk food and snacks when having movie marathons on a Saturday night, sketching and painting moments together so you two would never forget them.

With each little story, his family knew more about him and you felt as close to him as you had been before that heart-wrenching summer day.

You fell behind from the group as you all walked out of the orchard. Turning back and taking one last look at the entrance, the fields, and the growing trees of the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard, you notice a figure dressed in black standing with his back against the fence. He gave you a smile, a genuine yet sad smile, mouthing the words “thank you” and “i love you”, before disappearing in the wind.

#connor murphy #connor murphy x reader #deh #dear evan hansen #mike faist #broadway #dear evan hansen x reader

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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How Dear Evan Hansen Changes the Musical’s Ending

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This article contains Dear Evan Hansen spoilers, both for the movie and the stage show.

No matter how you come to the story of Dear Evan Hansen, and regardless of the medium, things always have to end at the same apple orchard. It’s fitting since Evan’s first major lie about Connor Murphy, the boy who killed himself, was that they spent whole days in the then-abandoned orchard, talking about girls, boats, and whatever other fantasies Evan could concoct. And it’s here that Zoe Murphy, Connor’s younger sister, requests Evan meet her for the story’s final scene.

This is true of the stage show, which took Broadway by storm five years ago—winning six Tonys including for Best Musical and Best Actor for Ben Platt—and it’s the same for the movie, with Platt’s Evan coming to a now renewed orchard and sitting with the cinematic Zoe (Kaitlyn Dever). Among the trees, Evan can see at least one good thing that came out of his lies: The Connor Murphy Project reopened this small slice of paradise.

Yet how Dear Evan Hansen gets to that moment in the movie is drastically different from the stage musical. Then again, so is the world in the five years since the musical’s Broadway debut (and six since it was first performed in Washington D.C.). Hence why director Stephen Chbosky and screenwriter Steven Levenson, who adapted his own book from the stage, have attempted to adjust to our current social climate. The new ending addresses the harshest criticisms about the Evan Hansen character, and the values his tale might promote. This is, after all, a musical about a troubled young man who exploits the suicide of a stranger in his school to increase his popularity and to insinuate himself into the dead boy’s family.

But is the new ending an actual improvement? Well…

How Dear Evan Hansen Ends on Stage

The entire narrative of Dear Evan Hansen pivots on a misunderstanding between Evan and the Murphy family as the latter grieve over the suicide of Connor. When Connor’s parents, Cynthia and Larry, first misconstrue Evan’s letter to himself as their son’s suicide note, Evan attempts to correct them. However, they seem so heartbroken, and Evan is so desperate to please and be accepted—by anyone—he quickly goes along with it and begins spinning tales about his and Connor’s intimate friendship.

The musical is thus a rising crescendo that builds as Evan climbs higher and higher off his mistruths. So the inevitable moment where his house of cards comes crashing down is the narrative’s real climax. And yet, in the original version of Dear Evan Hansen, the story more or less ends right there. After Evan confesses in the song “Words Fail” that he lied about the letter and his entire friendship with Connor, the horrified Murphys walk away from him one by one, with various degrees of disgust. He then comes clean to his mother in the final big song of the show, “So Big / So Small,” where she comforts her son. She’ll never walk away.

The musical then quickly jumps one year into the future, with Evan revealed to be working part-time and attending community college, hoping to save up enough money to someday attend a university. Zoe, who’s now a senior in high school, invites Evan to the orchard where he thanks her family for never revealing his secret to the public—never telling the world he lied about Connor. And, rather incredulously, Zoe absolves Evan and the audience of any guilt. She says, “Everybody needed [the lie] for something.” She even goes so far to say it “saved my parents.” It brought her family closer together.

So while it’s still bittersweet since Evan’s relationship with the Murphys, including Zoe, is forever severed, there are still no real consequences for Evan other than Cynthia and Larry won’t pay for his college education. Even his guilt is assuaged, and he can brag to Zoe that he’s been reading the 10 books Connor said were his favorites in eighth grade. The show more or less ends in a figurative group hug by omitting through a time jump all of the messy fallout from his choices.

How Dear Evan Hansen the Movie Ends

In the film, “Words Fail” is still the climax of the story, with Evan confessing his sins and Zoe walking away. However, in one telling addition, Cynthia (played with delicate fragility by Amy Adams) is barely able to whisper, “I think it’s time for you to leave” while holding back tears. Since she was Evan’s biggest champion, that she is now the one who states explicitly he is disinvited from their home hits hardest.

Then after Evan’s heart-to-heart with his mother (Julianne Moore), we actually see Evan attempt to make amends for his misdeeds. For starters, the whole reason the truth finally came out in both versions of the story is because of the machinations of a schoolmate named Alana (Amandla Stenberg in the film), who accidentally unleashed a whole social media mob on the Murphys, with randos on the internet blaming the parents for Connor’s suicide.

On stage, this plot element is entirely dropped after Evan confesses to the Murphys, who presumably bear the brunt of the social media hate in quiet while protecting Evan’s secret. In the film though, Evan actually attempts to talk to Zoe in school the following week and she asks him to leave her alone. She also reveals the only reason her parents haven’t unmasked what Evan did is because “they’re afraid you’ll do something to yourself.” Like Connor.

Thus Evan gets on Twitter that night and tells the world, “[The Murphys] don’t deserve your hate. I do.” He confesses. Afterward, he again becomes a high school pariah, but we learn in montage he is more content this way as he tries to make further amends to the Murphys by not only reading Connor’s favorite books but tracking down someone’s phone video of Connor during his stint in rehab. Evan even finds footage of Connor playing his guitar, a feat he hid from his parents. The new song “A Little Closer,” which scores the final montage, is revealed to be a melody Connor wrote and sang in rehab, and Evan is able to at least mail that to Connor’s parents. He’s finally given them something true that they didn’t know about their son.

Only then, before the current school year ends, does Zoe invite Evan to an apple orchard and they reminisce about what might’ve been.

Does It Improve Evan Hansen and the Story?

The clear implication for adding these sequences, plus a song that the real Connor Murphy character can sing, is intended to fix the moral and thematic slipperiness at the heart of Dear Evan Hansen. Through a series of hummable ballads by songwriters Benji Pasek and Justin Paul, and some heartbreaking performances, including by Platt in the original cast, the stage production relies on the power of its emotions to overwhelm logic or deeper analysis. Some might even say it manipulates.

Yet over the years, the musical has had its fair share of detractors who pointed out how calculating and toxic the Evan Hansen character can appear. And the fact the musical just ends on the emotional high point without actually bothering to sift through the wreckage of what Evan did has always been a cheat.

Conversely, there are a few fleeting sequences in the stage version where the musical at least briefly seems to consider its darker implications. Evan’s loose group of (bad) friends in Alana and Jared contribute to this element in the song “Good for You,” where they sing in unison, “Well, I guess if I’m not of use, go ahead, you can cut me loose. Go ahead now, I won’t mind.”

The Alana relationship is particularly interesting in the show since it is only after she demands of Evan “how” will he raise $17,000 that he shows her Connor’s “suicide note.” He immediately protests after she decides to post it online, but did he not on some level show it to her in order for her to use it to raise $17,000 and reopen the apple orchard? After this scene, Alana ghosts him, suggesting she was herself only using Evan to brandish her social clout in the school and, eventually, her college applications.

The Dear Evan Hansen movie tries to wipe even this thorniness away. The context of Evan showing the note to Alana is handled slightly differently, but as a consequence there’s no ambiguity on why he showed it to her—he did not intend for her to share it online. She also, like Evan, is softened around the edges when she does answer Evan’s ringing phone on-screen and cries that she tried to take the letter down but it’s still all over social media.

The logic behind the change would seem to make both Evan and Alana more purely sympathetic and blameless for their mistakes. In Alana’s case, she isn’t a master manipulator, and in Evan’s case it is beyond his control when others take things too far. He then puts in the work to help the Murphys, beginning by admitting to the world his dishonesty.

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These were obviously conscious choices made after the five years and full lifetime which passed since 2016—a year where Barack Obama was still president and the #MeToo movement hadn’t yet occurred. Now in an age where social accountability, especially in online life, and alleged authenticity are valued more than ever, having a hero who lies to the world and gets away with it is inherently problematic. So the flaws in Evan’s choices, and even Alana’s, are “fixed” with crocodile tears of regret from Alana, and then Evan making an actual effort to atone for his mistakes.

Yet I would argue it doesn’t actually improve the fundamental issues with the musical. In the case of Alana, having a character show the ugly side of social manipulation, even among ostensibly sympathetic figures, was one of the truer impulses in a story that otherwise glorifies the healing power of finding validation from strangers on the internet. While both the film and show also depict the downside of online life with a discordant singing hydra coming after the Murphys, it’s only because of a couple of misguided mistakes. And in the case of the stage show, the larger message is Evan’s musical platitudes are simply too powerful (or profitable) for the Murphys to shatter.

In 2021, Evan and his creators make the choice that he can admit his mistakes. Yet the story still attempts to justify Evan’s actions, which ironically puts the film at odds with itself. It basks in the splendor of Evan’s self-help ballad, “You Will Be Found,” and then shows him suffering comeuppance for lying—even if Zoe still gives him final absolution.

The one significant change that clicks for me is Evan at least seeking out some hidden truth about Connor, and sharing it with the real people who actually loved him instead of strangers, who in turn would only again offer performative gestures and signaled virtue toward a kid they otherwise ignored. Hearing Colton Ryan’s Connor sing for himself—for the first time in any medium—and not merely be a puppet for Evan’s self-serving fantasies was a significant, moving improvement over how this thread is resolved on the stage.

Still, I think going further in that direction with Evan realizing the crassness of what he created, and the emptiness of his bromides, would’ve made this a more interesting narrative. But what do I know? My instincts wouldn’t have turned this into a Broadway anthem for Generation Z. So how about yourself? Do you like the new ending to Dear Evan Hansen?

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zombieratt · 4 years

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Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

#dear evan hansen #deh #connor murphy #evan hansen #zoe murphy #musicals #broadway #deh rewrite i guess?#this is more like the outline of a fic i’ll never write #kd.txt #i was posessed to write this #tree bros

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nothingunrealistic · 4 years

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🤟👈 (if not both, the first one) Evan and Jared

🤟 = romantic headcanons

👈 = headcanons about a specific AU but you don’t care which AU and are leaving it up to me, a known bastard

boy oh boy this reads to me like an opportunity to talk about the kleinsen au concept i’ve been sitting on for close to two years now and that will likely never get finished / published in Complete form but is fun to think about

the basic idea is: blades of glory, but kleinsen. in case you’re unfamiliar and/or don’t feel like reading the wikipedia page: blades of glory is about two male figure skaters, rivals with drastically different personalities, who are expelled from singles figure skating after fighting on the podium, and find out that thanks to a loophole they can still compete in pairs skating... but the two of them can’t find anyone to pair up with except one another, and have to Learn To Get Along to win. it’s a fun movie, but also exactly as homophobic / misogynistic / just generally distasteful as you’d expect a 2007 will ferrell comedy to be.

however! consider the following:

jared kleinman and evan hansen, world-class figure skaters, have trained together for their entire lives - that is, their entire lives up to the age of seventeen, when a mysterious training accident left evan with a concussion and a broken arm, and jared with the blame and ire of most of the figure skating world. though they avoid one another for the next several years of competition, they clash at the first olympic games where they’re both representing the united states, get banned for a few years, and show no signs of returning to the sport even once their bans expire. then alana beck, herself a renowned figure skater, shows up at evan’s door one day to tell him that the isu is reconsidering its restriction on same-sex skating pairs, she’s trying and failing to recruit willing participants (whom she would coach) to prove that the rule should be removed permanently, and evan is her last hope. second-to-last hope, actually, because the only other person she has any chance of convincing to take this on is... jared kleinman.

and so, the rest of the au follows jared and evan as they:

reluctantly agree to become a pairs team, because as much as they can’t stand each other, they also can’t stand the lives they were leading without skating, and deep, deep down, they wonder if this is the chance to reconnect that they were always meant to take

begin working together, which involves a lot of remembering / learning how the other person skates, a lot of figuring out how to even do pairs skating, and a lot of pissing each other off

start attending figure skating competitions and gradually work their way up through the rankings, from the nobodys who are surely only competing for the gimmick to a team to watch out for at nationals to the olympic pairs skating team for the us

accumulate a grateful following from fans who are glad to see jared & evan back in the sport / as friends rather than enemies or are just happy for relief from the heteronormativity of traditional pairs skating

also accumulate a legion of, for lack of a better word, haters, for reasons ranging from “blatant homophobia” to “covert homophobia disguised as Respect For The Pairs Skating Tradition” to “outrage that jared and evan are being allowed to return to skating at all after their conduct at the last olympics” to “outrage that jared was ever allowed to return to skating after he Definitely Deliberately attacked evan when they were teens”

consequently, deal with intense media scrutiny, both positive and negative, focusing on their past friendship and rivalry and their current working and personal relationship

repeatedly compete with the most prominent american pairs skating team - connor and zoe murphy - and then struggle to deal with that competition taking a more personal turn

try to unravel the resentment and regret between them, to return to their old friendship - or rather build it anew - and figure out the real story of the training accident that started it all

fall in love, of course, and realize that they’d been in love far longer than either of them would admit or had really known

(drop me two characters and a hand emoji for headcanons)

#inbox #anonymous #dear evan hansen #jared kleinman #evan hansen #kleinsen #sometimes i write #everything on the ice #redid this bc the readmore got screwed up on my initial response somehow #eta: i edited this after i posted it and that screwed up the readmore again. life is suffering

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cristallsnoww · 4 years

Text

i saw dear evan hansen livee (review)

i meant to post this sooner but school was busy so here i am

this was the national tour in sac

i went w/ my sisters and my friend plus her siblings

i had upper balcony seats, i wish i got to see it closer, but i’m grateful they even came to my city uwu

let’s get to it~

STAGE & INSTRUMENTAL

*the stage was same as the og

* the projection of the social media posts were a good touch for the bg

* the lights were good too, the bg would change color (orange in sincerely me, pink in only us)

* the sound effects sounded real

* the lights were glowing the same as the the beat in good for you

* the way all of them kept walking around looking at “social media posts” on the projection bgs in some songs

* showing evan’s speech on the bg and the videos for the connor project too

* we can see the musicians bc they had a balcony where you can see a few of them

* the sound and instrumental were sounded real (guitar and piano)

* props to the musicians

ACTING:

* sam primack played evan

* he was super good !

* he portrayed evan well, the anxiety and all

* he gave a young fresh vibe of evan

* the panic in his voice, the sobbing and sniffing were so well acted

* evan looking lost in waving through a window

* the “WOOOOOOAAAHHHH” at the end of waving through a window

* them high notes in for forever and words fail tho 👌🏼

* “i’M NOT hYpERVenTILaNG!!” and then “Dear Connor Murphy..”

* when he dropped the note cards in you will be found

* he kept apologizing and picked them up w/ a small voice

* he sat on the ground for a while and starts to have a breakdown

* he tugs his knees and sobs there 😢

* when he walked up and KNEELED DOWN in only us, zoe was sitting on the bed, it was at evan’s verse, he went up to her and kneeled w/ both knees while singing + staring into her eyes singing “so it can be us~ it can be us and oooonly us~ and what came before won’t count anymore or matter we can try that~”

* that was unexpected by me since the only version i saw was the og broadway performance and it didn’t have that which rlly knocked my socks off

* the sloppy kissing tho 😔👌🏼✨

* he’s so LoUD in act 2, like damn he went all out

* his voice was squeaky/cracked from broken sobs at some points

* the way he looked so StResSed & shouting when talking to jared and alana before good for you

* his begging when connor took his letter and when alana posted the “suicide note” so painful but good

* also the way evan always wiped his hands on his pants when zoe would stick her hand out

* how panicky he was when he freaked out that zoe was gonna “break up” w/ him

* their chemistry honestly 😭💙

* he also said a lot “what do you means” throughout the show i noticed

* his lines in good for you w/ heidi, jared, and alana singing in bg were so overwhelming but in a good way

* just an overall fresh, awkward, anxious vibe to him 😔💙

* noah kieserman played connor

* his voice reminded me of the og broadway

* the face connor gave at cynthia when larry and zoe said he was high

* the way he play punches evan in sincerely me

* the choreo in sincerely me is so iconic

* “if i stop smoking POT then everything might be alright”

* he was snapping when he sang that which i thought was new lol

* that dance they did for “our friendship goes beyond..” between connor and evan

* “..your average kind of bond” they had their arms around their shoulders and stared into their eyes before evan said “BUt not Bc we’Re gAY-“

* living for treebros moments y’know

* his high notes in disappear tho

* “when you’re falling in a forest, and there’s nobody around, all you need is for somebody to find you..”

* evan was crouching down and connor crouched next to him when he sang

* “when you’re falling in a forest, aND WhEN YoU hIT THe GrOUNd,,ALL YOU NEED IS FOR SOMEBODY TO FIND YOUUUU~”

* he stands up and reaches his hand before leaving the stage

* one of my fave lines in deh honestly

* “did you fall? or did you let go?” will always hit

* “you can’t even tell yourself the truth” also

* when evan told the truth and the murphys left the living room, they showed connor too and he also left walking away w/ disappointment/pity

* zoe was played by stephanie la rochelle

* she was good and sounded nearly the same as the og broadway/laura

* the way how zoe was nice in the beginning to evan, distant to him at first in her house about connor, then slowly opens up to him and accepts him for who he is is just 🤧

* in for forever, “there’s nothing that we can’t discuss, like girls we wish would notice us but never do” evan looks at zoe and dramatically clears his throat and continues singing

* in if i could tell her, when evan said “he thought you looked rlly pretty ER-you looked pretty COOL when you had indigo streaks in your hair” she says “he did!” and evan says really fast “he dID AHAHAHAHAH”

* it made the theatre laugh and same

* the intro to only us “i need something for me”

* “i want...you”

* 🤧🤧🤧😭😫💙💙💙

* just;;;;;; i cry

* the way zoe would hold evan’s hands and the way evan would hold zoe’s hands—

* how she and evan would copy each other’s tone of voice

* “ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ” “ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵐᵉⁿᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᶦᵗ”

* “you’re so weeeeeird.” “i knooooww.”

* i love me so bandtrees ok, my crops have been watered and is flourishing

* jared was played by alessandro costantini

* his portrayal was accurate to the og

* “i have skills son”

* his laughs were A++, especially in sincerely me

* his evil maniac laugh in the sincerely me reprise

* he was so smol compared to evan and connor, especially during sincerely me

* vocals were gr8 in sincerely me and you will be found

* the dance w/ connor when he tried to put himself into the story

* he runs so fast to the stage when his parts came, tiny lil quick feet uwu

* he tilts his head a lot when giving evan the ‘duh’ face

* we all live for his sarcasm and jokes

* “do you need a paper bag? you’re having a considerable trouble time breathing—“

* the bitterness/sad look when evan says he doesn’t have any other friends/when zoe comes up and kisses evan

* my kleinsen heart 🤧💔

* alana was played by ciara alyse harris

* she was more lively than the og but sounded exactly similar

* she acted well, her vocals and the way she exaggerated words

* vocals in good for you 👏🏼

* alana singing “on the outside always looking in will i ever be more than i’ve always been cuz i’m tap tap tapping on the glass, i’m waving through a windoww”

* “very close acquaintances”

* all the titles + positions she gives herself in the connor project video

* while evan said he was just co-president

* murphys were played by claire rankin and john menphill

* cynthia had some light raspy voice? it was interesting

* larry sounded the same as the og

* the way they hugged each other so tight in you will be found and the lights were all on them T-T

* high vocals in requiem

* cynthia’s thank yous to evan

* break in a glove had some good vocals too

* when connor’s “suicide note” was posted around and “YOU ARE NOT ALONE” kept singing while the murphys were looking lost and afraid

* opposite to the other soft “you are not alone” while the murphy parent were hugging

* heidi was played by jessica e. sherman

* she was good, close to the og

* her gestures and little dances to evan to cheer him up

* she SNAPPED after going to the murphys house

* “DO YOU KNOW HOW MORTIFYING IT IS TO KNOW THAT YOUR SON WAS SPENDING TIME AT SOMEONE ELSE’s HOUSE AND YOU DIDNT EVEN KNOW?”

* her good for you performance was great

* during the bridge, “i’ll shut my mouth and i’ll let you go..”

* she STRUTTED that walk ok ✨ w/ all the lights on her

* so big/small was calming w/ the guitar

* the way they hugged u~u

* “when it all feels so big!” teasing evan saying he’s growing after they hugged

* he laughs 🥺 w/ a cracked voice from crying

* all the family fighting were so real, the shouting, the raising of voices

im so grateful i got to see it, such an emotional ride 😔💙

i hope people who wants to see it gets to see it, you’ll be blessed

or should i say you will be found

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insanelycooljk · 4 years

Note

tell me about the bmc deh crossover!

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it

oh absolutely!!! I’ve got BIG plans for this one, so it’s going to take a while to finish, but I think it’s going to be worth it :)

The concept is very straight foward and I’m sure has been done many times before, but basically the bmc and deh kids go to same school, and the musicals respective storylines occur simultaneously.

Honestly I can’t tell you much about the actual plot yet because I’m still working it out, but the squip and connor project storylines will be very intertwined. The plan is for it to be very character-driven so I can tell you about the pre-existing relationships between the bmc and deh kids instead!

Jeremy and Jared

so I made a post about this a little while ago because I just can’t get the idea out of my head but, Jeremy and Jared have a very antagonistic relationship. I can’t explain why but I feel like Jeremy just... irrationally hates Jared. Like, he has no real reason to hate him, he doesn’t bully him or anything like Rich does, but Jeremy just doesn’t like him. It’s mostly because Jared’s shitty sense of humour and the asshole persona he puts on at school but yeah, Jere just doesn’t like him at all.

On that, Jeremy and Evan are kind of friends, and since Jeremy doesn’t like Jared’s sense of humour he definitely doesn’t like how he talks to Evan sometimes

Teachers always mix them up (wrol Jere rights baby!!) and it drives Jeremy crazy lmao

Also Jared is sort of friends with Rich so like... that understandably doesn’t sit well with Jeremy either

And Jeremy’s irrational hatred of Jared is like... extra funny because Jared is completely oblivious lmao. He barely even knows who Jeremy is.

Also, Jared is pretty friendly with Michael, and Jeremy doesn’t quite realise this yet but perhaps... he is jealous 😳

Jared and Rich

Rich and Jared is an interesing one. I mean, Jared is kind of a loser so originally after getting the SQUIP Rich bullied him too.

Except unlike Jeremy, Michael or Evan, Jared actually talks back to Rich and gives him shit too. We know Jared’s not particulary great at jokes under pressure (what are you, like...an acorn??), but he manages to be snarky enough/put up enough of a cocky front that Rich finds him funny and lays off him a bit

So whilst the SQUIP strongly discourages it, he ends up being sort of friends with Jared. Rich’s SQUIP actually kind of uses it as bribing material a little bit, it will let Rich keep being friends with Jared if he does X task the SQUIP wants him to do. That kind of thing :(

The bullying becomes more friendly teasing that goes both ways. Although sometimes Rich’s SQUIP will make him say some homophoic shit that really fucking hurts, but Jared just lets it slide. Partially because he’s still kind of scared of Rich, partially because he definitely doesn’t want to out himself, but mostly:

Jared’s realised that in addition to not being bullied by Rich himself anymore, his semi-friendship with Rich means Rich tends to leave Evan alone now. Which to Jared is definitely worth half-heartedly laughing at whatever hurtful shit Rich says in order to maintain the friendship.

Jared and Michael

Ok so I also said Jared and Michael are kind of friends.

They’ll become much closer later on in the fic when they can bond over their only friend ditching them for popularity/a chance to be with the girl they’re crushing on and are lowkey obssessed with

But at the beginning they’re not quite friends. They both do IT and they sit together in class, but they don’t really talk about much besides their work.

They do have a bit of a rivalry going on though. They’re the top two students in their IT class so they’re very competitive when it comes to tests/assignments/grades.

Also Jared can tend to be a bit of an attention seeker in class, so he’ll make a lot of stupid remarks and jokes that sometimes Michael can’t help but laugh at. He tries not to though because he doesn’t want to give Jared the satisfaction of knowing Michael thinks he’s funny.

And yeah competiveness/rivalry? Could definitely be interpretted as flirting so I can see why Jeremy might be jealous lmao

oh my god why does literally every character so far have some kind of rivalry with Jared ?? What it is about that boy that made my brain go “yeah all the bmc kids just lowkey wanna throw hands with him” ? idk but the idea is making me laugh. I love Jared but he does get on people’s nerves sometimes

Alana and Jenna

Now THIS is a friendship (or who knows, maybe something more??) I’m very excited about

Just think about it, both girls are actually so similar. They both feel invisible and lonely and like no one really cares about them. And unlike say Evan, who doesn’t really actually try to make other friends, both girls make SUCH an effort to be loud and be seen. Jenna with her gossip and Alana with her extremely bubbly and friendly persona.

I think it’s just a really interesting dynamic since they have very different personalities, but deep down they're both struggling with the same feelings of being invisible and unwanted.

Unlike the other relationships above, Alana and Jenna don’t actually have much of a pre-existing relationship. Mostly because Jenna is popular by association with Chloe/Brooke/Jake/Rich, and Alana is defintely not popular.

But, they grow closer working on The Connor Project together, which Jenna is going to play a big part in.

Jenna is the one who records Evan’s YWBF speech and helps it go viral. Alana then suggests they recruit her to join the project as their social media manager. Evan and Jared are freaking out because the last thing they need right now is for the project to go viral and risk the truth coming out, but eventually they see how much good the project is actually doing and realise that this is so much bigger than themselves now, so agree to let her on board.

Ok this is getting very long now lmao so I’m just gonna share a few more quick thoughts

A lot of people don’t like Alana because they find her very intense. Most people she tries to talk to (eg. Evan/Jared/Jeremy) don’t really engage with her, they’ll just make half-hearted conversation as if they’re just waiting for her to leave already. But one of the few people who is genuinely kind to her and actually listens and doesn’t just brush her off is Michael. So they’ve got a nice relationship. (Connor is one of the other people who is kind to Alana. Ooh also probably Christine too, because I can’t imagine her being anything but kind to anyone)

No one else really knows this, not even Jeremy, but Michael is actually quite affected by Connor’s death. They definitely weren’t friends, Michael honestly knew nothing about Connor, but sometimes if Michael’s having a bad day he likes to skip class and smoke behind the school. And often when he did he’d find Connor there too. They never talked much, mostly just sat in comfortable silence, but sometimes it was nice to just have someone else there. Michael doesn’t like sneaking out to smoke during school anymore because he really feels Connor’s absence. And he can’t help but wonder if anything would be different if he ever made a genuine effort to talk to Connor on those days.

Christine and Jared. That’s it, that’s all I have to say lmao. They’d have the same chaotic energy as post-SQUIP Rich and Jared. Jared’s parents have been bugging him about trying to join some clubs this year, or just do something that will look good on his college applications. Obviously later on that becomes The Connor Project, but at the start of the year he signs up to do tech for the school play. So, that’s how Jared and Christine meet. Jared being Jared does his best to push her away and avoid getting close, but this is Christine we’re talking about, she’s not gonna let that happen that easily. So, they end up becoming friends.

Alright I’m gonna stop this here or else this post will never end, but I’m definitely excited about eventually finishing this one!

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ravenoftheskyes · 5 years

Text

Dear Evan Hansen, We’ve been way too out of touch. (Yes, this is a persona fanfic)

(AN: @yusuke-of-valla’s blog, PQ2 but they’re doing DEH.)

“Cmon, Mona! Swallow your pride for me, just nod yes! Act like a mascot for once! For Ann?” Ren says, laughing.

“And prepare, cause something’s in the air!~” quite a few voices speak up.

“I’ve found my people!” Ren screams out, seeking out the voices.

The rest of the sidequest involved Ren, Makoto, Haru, Yusuke, Ann, Goro, Futaba, Yosuke, Rise, Minato, and Minako singing a bunch of musical songs.

Everyone threw Minato and Minako a heathers preformance because Heathers wasn’t out yet in their time.

And then...

“A preformance!” Ren says, flourishing a script.

“A what?” Minako said to him.

“We’re going to preform Dear Evan Hansen!” Futaba says, with an excited look on her face.

“What’s that?” Rise asks, confusedly.

“A musical! It’s kinda dark, but it’s got some killer songs and some hilarious moments!” Ann says, quickly.

“Okay, so who do you want us to be?” Minato asks, immediately bringing everyone on board.

“Okay, I was thinking that Yosuke could be Jared, Haru could be Alana, Yusuke could be Connor, Makoto could be Heidi, and Minato could be Zoe. But there’s are three roles that I have no idea who could be them.” Ren explains.

“Well, what are the characters?”

“Evan, our protag is depressed, oblivious, and ridiculously in love with Zoe. Larry and Cynthia are Connor and Zoe’s parents. They need to be able to argue at a moment’s notice.”

Minato and Minako share a look.

“We might know some people who could fill those roles.” Minako says, a smirk playing at her lips.

And they leave the room.

Twenty minutes later, they drag in Akihiko, Mitsuru, and Yu.

“If I’m Zoe, then my husband should be Evan, shouldn’t he?”

“And you haven’t seen these two really get into an argument.”

Ren smiles.

“Looks like we have our cast!”

And rehearsals begin immediately, with scripts and listens of the songs.

Finally, Makoto and Mitsuru start off “Anybody have a map?”

“Connor finished the-” Minato starts, swinging the milk carton behind him and accidentally hitting Akihiko, who was standing behind him.

“Shit, you alright?” Minato says, basically carrying Akihiko at this point.

“Yeah, fine.” He says, clearly with a broken nose.

Mitsuru sighs and pulls out her evoker.

“Diarahan” she says, with a tight-lipped frown.

And that was only the start.

“Life without you has been rough” Yu starts

“Kin-HAHAHAHAHA” Yosuke tries to say.

He ended up laughing for a full minute.

Ren, Minako, and Hikari hold back snickers.

Requiem comes along.

“Why should I play the grieving gir-”

Minato tries to sing, and ends up yawning.

“Wow, you can’t even stop yawning during a preformance?” Yu quips.

And Minato, deadpan as always, says this.

“I want a divorce.”

Minako and Ren try so, so hard to not die of laughter.

And when they finally get to the end of act 1...

“Even when the dark comes crashing through, you will be found. When you need someone to carry you, you will be found! You will be found!”

Minato and Yu lean in for the kiss.

“Haha!” Futaba yells out, just as their lips are about to meet.

“Futaba! You killed the moment!” Ren yells back to her.

“S-Sorry! It’s just that Hikari told me something hilarious!”

Minako whispers something under her breath.

“Take two!” Hikari says.

“Say darling, hey maybe, fancy a movie night with us?” The wildcards say in sync.

“You guys really need to stop that.”

“No!”

There was somewhat smooth sailing until Good for You.

“And you say what you need to say, and you play who you need to play, and If somebody’s in your way crush them and leave them behind!”

Yu breaks down in tears.

“Cut the music!” Someone screams out.

“Yu, it’s all an act. Please calm down.” Makoto says, with her head in her hands

“Yeah, partner.” Yosuke says, touching Yu’s arm.

“I’m sorry! I’m not a theater kid! I don’t know how to do this!” Yu cry-yells

“Yu, seriously? This is why you join the drama club.” Minato chimes in.

“Oh, and I suppose you’re a part of yours?!”

“...We don’t have a drama club.”

“Technically, we do.” Mitsuru chimes in.

“We have one?!” Minako yells out.

“Well, on paper at least, SEES is the drama club.”

“We’re the WHAT NOW?!”

“...It’s not important, anyhow. The true purpose is to fight shadows, is it not?”

“Is that why Ms. Toriumi sometimes asks me to do dramatic readings in class?” Minato asked, with a degree of uncertainty.

“Most likely, yes.”

“Revelations aside, let’s try again. We need to get this perfectly!” Hikari says, cutting off the conversation.

So they stumble through the rest of the songs, and start with the dialogue.

“You went lurching from one miracle cure to the next.” Akihiko yells.

“Miracle cure? Is that really what you call it?!” Mitsuru says, with all the emotion of a grieving mother.

And then sparks and ice start surrounding them.

“Oh, no-” Minato says out, just as Mitsuru accidentally freezes Akihiko.

“Akihiko!” Mitsuru says as she snaps out of her stupor and catches her frozen best friend.

Shinjiro runs in. “WHAT’S GOING ON MY IDIOT-FRIEND-SENSES ARE TINGLING!”

After they thaw out Akihiko and try again, a similar thing happens. Akihiko shocks her.

Shinjiro has to start sitting in because otherwise his friends are going to kill each other.

Finally, dress rehearsals. Akihiko borrows Yu’s glasses, Yosuke wears his, and everyone dresses a bit more casually. Yusuke’s hair gets poofed up by Ren and Ann.

“Why am I lowkey weak for Inari?! I shouldn’t be lowkey weak for Inari!” Futaba yells out.

Everyone else, is of course, also lowkey weak.

Songs start again.

“Oh, damn!” Minato says as he watches the milk carton fly into the ceiling. “I’ll get it!”

“I’m gonna say the M word!” Futaba yells out, suddenly.

“NO!” Half the team screams.

“Macbeth!” She yells out.

“AAAAAAAA” Minato yells, as he falls off the ladder.

“...Countercurse time?”

“YEAH!”

“What happened??” Minato questions.

“Futaba said the M word!” Minako tells him.

“WHY WOULD YOU SAY THE M WORD IN A THEATER?!”

“If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here, whilst these visions did appear.” Futaba recites.

“Thank you!” Ren told her.

“What’s this superstition? Why shouldn’t you say M-” Yu questions.

“NO!” Once again, half the cast yells.

“Call it ‘The Scottish Play’ or ‘The Bard’s Play’ in a theater” Minako starts.

“Basically, there are multiple stories. Some say it’s because the first ‘Lady’ died and Shakespeare had to go on in her place. There was also the one where the prop daggers were switched for real ones and Duncan was murdered live on stage. There’s also the one that says the spells in the play are actual spells and Witches cursed it because of that.” Ren informed Yu.

“...Oh”

“Yeah. So never say the M-word in a theater.”

“Okay.”

Finally, the preformance.

...You think everything ended here? Oh no, mistakes always happen.

“Dear Evan Hansen, thanks for every note you send!”

“Dear Connor Murphy, I’m just glad to be your friend!”

“Our friendship goes beyond...”

Yu dips Yusuke.

“Your average kind of bond!”

They lean in.

“But not because we’re gay!”

Yu drops Yusuke.

“No, not because we’re gay!”

Yusuke says, as he jumps up. Everyone laughs.

“Did you plan that?! Did you?!” Ann whisper-screams to Ren.

“No! Not at all!” He whispers back.

And then the “You Will Be Found” situation.

The company starts singing. And then we get to Zoe’s part.

Yu trips Minato. Minato is literally pinning Yu to the floor. Minato keeps singing, and then leans in for the kiss when it’s time.

All the other theater kids beg for Yu not to mess up with Akihiko and Mitsuru.

The rest of the show goes without incident.

The finale comes in, and the curtain goes down.

Raucous applause follows it.

...It was hard, but they did it.

#minato arisato #minako arisato #hamuko arisato #ren amamiya #yu narukami #souji seta #akira kurusu #akihiko sanada #mitsuru kirijo #dear even hansen the musical #yosuke hanamura #makoto niijima #makoto yuki #haru okumura #ann takamaki #futaba sakura #long post

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neverheardnothing · 5 years

Text

5 am thoughts: deh post canon (vaguely non compliant) fic where all the teens (individually) go to the orchard....... some initial scraps below the cut.......

A Monument To All Your Sins

(yes this title is from halo. no ive never played halo. sue me.)

---

Evan didn't think he would ever find himself here. At first, this orchard only existed in the memories of the Murphy's and his contrived fantasy world. Then, when Alana had brought to him the idea of launching a fundraiser to reopen it, even his wild imagination didn't think it would ever get the funds needed for it to happen.

So when Zoe goes and he’s left all alone in the beautiful backdrop of apple trees against the fading sunlight, he still isn’t quite sure that all this is real.

---

Alana stood still, flashing her trademark bright smile for the photographer, even as the flash of the camera blinds her. Standing next to her, are Connor's parents. Zoe and Evan are both conspicuously absent from the reopening ceremony, and she hadn’t heard from Jared for more than a month before she had even released the note online.

The smile on her face is complicated. She is proud of the fact that she was able to make this dream into a reality, that she was able to leave her mark on this world not only for herself, but for Connor and for every other person that spends sleepless nights wondering if they’ll ever be more than they are. But when she thinks of how she got here, of the trust she has betrayed and lines she has crossed, she isn’t quite able to keep her smile completely genuine.

She knows that people think her to be unobservant, but she isn’t. She knows that the facts don’t quite add up in Evan’s story, even with the supposed letter. She can’t quite piece together exactly what happened, but she knows that where she now stands is built on the shaky foundation of lies.

Still, whatever lies underneath has to be worth it, she thinks, with all the good the project has brought into the world. And so she continues to do what she does best as she smiles in both complete authenticity and artificialness when she speaks of how their small project truly means something in this broken world.

---

Jared parks his car in the empty parking lot. This is the first time he's been back home since his freshman year of college started, and he hasn’t been able to bring himself to come to this place any sooner. Time has made it so he’s no longer quite as bitter about the imaginary friendship forged in this place that Evan had so quickly left him behind for, but the memory of it still stings.

He gets out of his car, the fresh and biting air of winter filling his lungs as he makes his way to the path that leads into the orchard. The trees are all bare, and the snow weighing down the branches also covers the ground. His footsteps are the first and only to break the pristine snow. No one else has been here recently. Guess no one wants to go to an orchard in the dead of winter.

---

Zoe feels as though she is a ghost while she moves throughout the orchard. She shifts uncomfortably as the unsettling thought of her brother crosses her mind. She hates that even though she knows it to be a lie, she can see Evan and Connor so vividly here, all overlaid on her memories of coming here with her family as a child. Even now, months after she’s last talked to Evan, his words still echo in her brain.

#teresa talks #trying to be better about posting ideas that i get #instead of letting it collect dust in my notes app/gdrive #the alana one is pretty complete #or who knows maybe therell be more....#chances are ill never finish this like i never finish anything so im posting it now....#i sleep now before i regret posting this..#why is it only the teens? because ive had Half a thought about larry murphy ever #and maybe.... 3 thoughts collectively for cynthia and heidi #and also because they werent really Involved in the recreation of the orchard #there are a Few very specific word choices in here i hope yall appreciate....

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compulsivewriter · 5 years

Text

Some parts of the Dear Evan Hansen novel that really got to me, Part Two (Spoilers ahead)

- So Connor appeared to Evan in his bedroom window (Waving Through A Window?) the night he committed suicide. (I mean, Evan thought it was Connor lurking in his backyard, but the image was too blurred to him.) He even mentioned this to the Murphys during the meeting at the principal's office.

I remember this trope in movies and TV shows (I don't know if this happens in real life) that a just-deceased person would make an apparition to a person who mattered most to them. In one episode of a highly popular drama anthology here in the Philippines (which I remember quite clearly), a mother was inside their house when she saw - quite clearly - one of her sons who was in a losing battle with cancer. As the son was in the hospital, the mother, of course, was surprised. A few moments later, her husband came to her with news that their son had passed away.

But if it was indeed Connor who appeared in Evan's window that night, the question is, why? Was it because Evan was (technically) the last person who saw Connor alive? Was it because, somehow, in their brief encounter, Connor saw himself in Evan?

- So Connor had one final lifeline before committing suicide: Miguel. Unfortunately, Miguel didn't reply to his desperate text messages. (It turned out he was at work the day Connor killed himself; he blamed himself for the fact that he had not been able to reach out to his boyfriend.)

The reason I was so struck by this is that it sounds so similar to what happened to Moritz Stiefel in Spring Awakening. To understand what I mean, here's a bit of the musical's synopsis from Wikipedia:

Moritz, having been thrown out of his home, wanders the town at dusk, carrying a pistol when he comes across Ilse, a childhood friend of his. Ilse, who it is implied has feelings for Moritz, tells him she has found refuge at an artists' colony, and they reminisce in some childhood memories and "remarkable times". She invites him to come home with her and join her in sharing some more childhood memories, and maybe something more. Moritz refuses and Ilse does everything she can to change his mind. After affirming to Ilse that he truly wished he could go with her, Moritz refuses and Ilse leaves – distraught and upset. Realizing that Ilse was his last chance to escape the fate he's set out for himself, Moritz quickly changes his mind and calls after her, but it is too late – she is gone. Alone and believing that he has nowhere to turn, Moritz shoots himself.

My God.

- Connor's ghost also appeared to Evan in that pivotal scene, after the latter finally admitted to the Murphys that he made up his friendship with Connor. In the stage musical, this would be the equivalent of Connor making a brief appearance in the shadows - then disappearing - as the rest of the Murphy family rush out in grief and anger.

And Evan's thought? "He's come to get me." The exact same words he said in "For Forever." Even though it's just a brief vision, Evan's wish finally came through: Connor did reach out to him in his lowest moments.

But what made me tear up here is the fact that he finally acknowledged what Connor had challenged to him in the musical: he did let go. Far from his description of how happy he was with Connor the day he broke his arm, in reality, he was at his wit's end. Damn graphic description of how he let go of the branch, contrary to what he told the Murphys.

That moment was also the start of him turning a new leaf in life: telling the truth. Being open to others. Starting with his mother, then Alana and Jared, then Miguel, and finally, Zoe. No more running, no more hiding for Evan. And with that, he finally found peace with himself.

#dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen the novel #analysis #random musings of the compulsive writer

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creepygamerpasta · 5 years

Text

My Defense of Dear Evan Hansen

Okay, disclaimer: I wasn’t really into Dear Evan Hansen, so I don’t know the musical itself all too well (except of course, like everyone, “Sincerely, Me”). I recently read the novel of it (which was written by the creators, so I think the only difference is the fact that the prose doesn’t rhyme). I’m not a “day-one, die-hard fan,” and I do not have an obsession with it. That being said, I enjoyed the novel a lot. It’s not usually a genre I read, but it certainly piqued my interest for YA mental health novels.

Why, then, do people hate it?

I’ve looked online for this answer, and I’ve been able to find some recurring arguments, which are quite valid even if you don’t agree. (Not everyone has to like the same things, I know.) So, here are my responses and counter-arguments. (Note, contains spoilers, and I won’t necessarily outright disagree with everything.)

1. The fanbase is annoying, toxic, etc.

This is probably the easiest to get out of the way. Yes, there will always be people within a fanbase whose entire lives revolve around their fandom. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; who can fault you for being passionate about something? But it’s when that passion turns into hate or putting someone else’s tastes or general completely down because that person doesn’t like exactly what the fan likes when people get really angry. I’ll use an unrelated scenario to DEH as an example:

Person A: Do you like Taylor Swift?

Me: Eh, I’m not really into her music. I’m more into metal and stuff.

Person A: Oh, okay, cool. :)

Person B: OMG WTF stop being a HATER. Metal SUCKS. You’re just JEALOUS that she has TALENT.

...See? This is the same sort of reactions that people get, not just from DEH fans but from all sorts of fans. (I’ve gotten both of these exact reactions from various fans of different singers, actors, celebrities, movies, TV shows, etc.)

2. The musical is not that great, as in the scores and stuff.

I don’t see why this particularly angers people. I see this more as an evolution of the types of music in musicals. Maybe there’s something I’m missing here, but musicals exist for people to want to see them. And if the target audience is the younger generation, then it does not make sense to use music that most of them A) won’t like and B) won’t understand. I mean, Hamilton is known for its use of rap, (dare I say) “nontraditional” music in the theatre world. And people like it.

Which brings me to the next point...

3. Young people (who obviously cannot have appreciation for true theatre) will expect musicals like Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen to become the norm and for there to be a “big” musical every year.

...okay? So? Look, if people want to go to a musical, then they’ll go. If they want to go to another musical, then they’ll go to that one. It’s not rocket science. And as for this sometimes-unspoken assumption that young people can’t understand/appreciate theatre... Last time I checked, there were still theatre kids in schools across the country, so at least some people can.

And now, we go to the part of the defense where I rely more on the novel.

4. The main character (Evan) is neither compelling nor a good person, and thus, should not be the main character (and, by extension, the entire musical should not exist).

In the book, it is made very clear that Evan is not a perfect character. He’s a human being and has flaws just like everyone. His whole “pretending to be Connor’s friend thing” is less a manipulative move and more of “wrong place, wrong time, and I don’t know how to explain.” Though he’s supposed to be relatable, you are not expected to like him. Other characters question his motives for The Connor Project and his relationship to Connor, but with the first person, inner-thoughts, deepest-darkest-secrets style that the book has, it is very clear that Evan is (in his complex way) trying to help the Murphys with their loss. He does get a bit carried away, probably without realizing it, but even though he did not mean to hurt them, the guilt of his lies eats away at him the entire book.

Evan admits to lying, in person at the Murhpys. He knows that even though his longtime crush and now girlfriend (he even describes her as his soulmate and wants to marry her) will hate him, not to mention her parents, he cannot keep lying to them.

I think one of the problems with DEH specific to this problem is the hype about Evan himself. As the audience, we want to paint Evan as a hero. Descriptions put him in that light. He does overcome a lot through the novel and goes through quite a bit of change, but he is not the flawless hero (or the one-flaw antihero) people want him to be. He is a human being, and I think fans and haters forget this or overlook this, despite it being such an important part of the novel/musical.

5. DEH makes fun of mental illness and doesn’t take it seriously. It falsely portrays people with depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, etc.

This grinds a lot of my gears. Mental illnesses are different for everyone. Is there some assumption people have that I’m not aware of? The assumption that people actually think that everyone who has anxiety or is suicidal will act exactly like Evan and Connor? It might not match up with every individual’s experience/struggle with a mental illness, but that’s kind of one of the themes of DEH: that people have different lives, different struggles, different baggage, and different ways of coping, healthy or unhealthy. Everyone has a different story, and no one should be left to deal while feeling alone. Pay attention to those around you.

The lighter-hearted music seems to also make people perceive DEH to be making fun of/not taking mental health seriously. Which is ridiculous. There are some serious songs in that soundtrack, and the upbeat “Sincerely, Me” is supposed to be from fake personas. Connor’s persona in that song is supposed to be feeling better as days go by with the help of his “friend” Evan. So, yes, it makes sense that would be cheerful because it is not from the perspective of the real Connor. If it were, the song would probably be a lot darker.

6. The musical is homophobic and makes fun of the LGBT+ community.

If you were to walk into an elementary, middle, or high school right now and overhear every conversation, I gaurantee you, gaurantee you, that some students would be using “gay” as some sort of put-down or otherwise make fun of LGBT+ people. That doesn’t mean it’s right or acceptable, but having two high school guys (or really one, seeing as how Evan does not go along with the joke) make remarks about two (supposedly) close guys being gay is not something new. This complaint probably mainly comes from the line in “Sincerely, Me” in which Connor’s and Evan’s personas deny being close for anything other than friendship. And honestly? As a member of the LGBT+ community, this confusion comes up a lot. Whether you are out or not, closeness between friends is often interpreted as a romantic or sexual relationship, which of course is not the case.

Last time I checked, there wasn’t anything hateful toward the LGBT+ community. Jared’s jokes, while horribly sexual and inappropriate, were just immature. His jokes are essentially the high school equivalent of “That’s what she said.” I mean, who doesn’t know someone like that in their life? If I’m wrong, feel free to correct me.

Oh, and also? It is revealed in the novel that Connor did in fact have a relationship with a guy, Miguel.

7. People talk about the relatability of the musical without actually relating.

Okay, yes, annoying, but I don’t see why people should immediately fault this. You do not know the experiences or thoughts of people online and on social media, but this means that you can’t judge whether or not they do relate to something. The first thing that comes to mind with the word “relatable” when it comes to this musical would, of course, be mental health. Since the most notable characters both struggle with mental illnesses, it makes sense that you would expect the people who relate to this musical to also struggle with mental illness(es). But there is no law that everyone who relates to a character has to be exactly like that character.

I’ll use another example from a different work, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. (Quick little note: Frankenstein is the scientist, not the creature. The Creature is actually quite complex and a deep character that is not the mindless monster from movies.)

Frankenstein: wealthy, a genius, comes from a high(ish) class, (presumably) handsome

Creature: neglected, hated for his ugliness, abandoned by Frankenstein, feared, smart

I doubt anyone was stitched together from dead bodies and then somehow reanimated. But you might relate to the fact that the Creature was abandoned or that people fear and hate him because of his looks. I also doubt that anyone has figured out the secret to reanimating dead bodies after taking them apart and stitching them together. But you might also (or solely) relate to Frankenstein because he lost his mother or because he feels responsible for a family member’s death. Those are some examples.

And there are plenty of characters that you could relate to or aspects of characters that speak to you. Maybe you’ve built a tangle of lies like Evan without meaning to, or maybe you have gone through a hard divorce and try so hard to get through to your child without success like Heidi, or maybe you really care about making a difference and don’t feel like the people who are supposed to help you take that seriously like Alana.

That about wraps it up. If I’ve missed anything, feel free to tell me, and I’ll make a follow-up post.

Again, I’m not demanding that you agree with me, but hopefully, whether a fan or critic, you have now seen a different perspective.

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #musicals #spoilers #please reply

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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I just want to say I am absolutely obsessed w all your sincerely me posts. You do such a good job breaking them down and identifying all the little details that go into that scene as well as analyzing what they mean about Jared and Evan separately and ofc their relationship as a whole. Wonderful stuff! Also the compilation of Will doing The Laugh added 10 years to my life so thank u

oh thank you lmao i always enjoy people enjoying those posts, and there’s always so much to dig into with that scene, but i think plenty of times i think people can just sort of let the scene wash over as a “oh, the point of this is just that it’s fun” sort of surface level, very straightforward element of the show, and part of the point surely is that it Is fun, but everything about this song is about evan and jared’s interaction / dynamic / relationship here, and the levity and humor doesn’t mean there’s nothing here to Take Seriously, which is certainly true re: jared in general, rather than him being Jokes Boy with no real feelings or anything (i know i’m already preaching to the choir here with all this “here’s what sincerely me is Really About / what deserves more appreciation re: jared” lmao but the ted talks just Occur)

like, here’s the high point of the whole show for jared, and this moment with evan which is so enjoyable and satisfying that he’s going to keep hanging on to evan’s runaway train in the hopes of getting more of this, particularly in act 2 where that’s truly like 100% of his motivation (vs that in act 1 he’s at least also having some degree of an earnest response to the idea behind tcp along with evan and alana, even if it’s still plenty about doing this With Evan) and like, it’s especially a tragedy re: the album where you Only get jared’s vocals, & have less of his dialogue, so it’s easier to forget he’s there or what his part in this is and that, you know, this wouldn’t be a song if it wasn’t about His And Evan’s relationship, and it’s like 98% the case that “connor” in this song just Is jared

and that yeah like we’ve been recently posting lol how there’s actually really just these endless Layers to this material, a mille feuille of Relationship Analysis that’s getting folded over again and again, where it’s jared and evan for real, but pretending to be other people, and making things up, but trying to make it seem Real, and both taking the other’s feedback into their own writing / working off of the other’s contributions, and evan could be seeing “connor” through the lens of what little he knows about actual connor, or projecting himself onto someone he realizes was similar to him in ways, or being informed about Friendship via his own relationship with / perception of jared, who’s in a similar position here re: what’s behind his Inspiration or Interpretation, which roles are Him, or Evan, or ostensibly connor, and what all projection or wish fulfillment or Interpreting is going on around here, not to mention that these two Real People’s Real Dynamic is unfolding right in front of us and is very directly what’s going Into these created emails (which do, apparently, seem like the record of an amazing friendship according to cynthia and then like, a bunch of other people) because this whole writing session is this collaborative back and forth which wouldn’t be happening in the first place if evan didn’t turn to jared for input/help with anything and if jared didn’t want to be involved in evan’s life and be someone evan Wants to seek out like this and you know, how delighted jared is to have evan’s attention, even if as he starts giving evan what he’s actually after here, evan’s attention seemingly shifts over to “connor,” even though that’s jared.....still not a direct Win for jared there, see: him in the reprise, trying to put a “jared” into the story as well, since evan’s invented relationship with jared!connor isn’t actually translating into evan being closer / more interested in actual jared....what about jared!jared......now i’m even thinking about jared getting that highest note harmony at the end of sincerely me.....pay attention to Him

thinking allllllways about how jared completely invents the chorus himself, expecting evan to approve, and with no input from evan, just that Approval, and it comes on the heels of also-approved writing for connor about Trying To Be More....Nice.....i’ll turn it around, wait and see...........just about to lie down about the fact that this, on top of what evan’s already made up in for forever, is about trying to make this Hopeful story, because that’s what evan wants for himself, and what he thinks cynthia would find comforting re: connor, and here’s jared like, okay, so your Supposed relationship didn’t look that warm & amazing from the outside, but how about if it just had a lot of Potential, like, HMM!!! lots to consider there!! but then Oof at the fact inevitably the story falls apart and so does jared’s hopes for his relationship with evan, even though like, connor died & never had that friendship with evan, & jared is probably still alive & Did have a connection with him & is presumably still out there, able to be talked to, maybe try reinventing and giving things attention, you know

just that Yeah lmao the tl;dr here is people mostly going like wow lol what a fun song, &/or a gay song, & it’s like, well sure but for one thing, all of that is completely due to Jared & his and evan’s dynamic & relationship, but that once you realize that that’s what the song is actually about, there’s just so much to consider and analyze in what might otherwise be overlooked as a song that has nothing to to say besides what’s most straightforwardly there, even though, you know, these are characters who have so much trouble saying what they mean or feel or want, but who are able to Reveal more about themselves in that way through this pretense/artifice which is sort of displacing their usual defense mechanisms. been Thinking About It many times and i’m still pondering aspects of it afresh / having new Insights, and anyone else can be too lmao, lots going on here & lots to say based on what anyone’s experienced / taken note of.....wtaw is of course v different as a song, more outright dramatic & desperate, whereas sincerely me is presented as more comedic & light, and it Is these two friends having some fun here rather than the protagonist having this crisis before homeroom at the start of the show, but here sincerely me is as another song about Trying and Wanting and some hopefulness that has to remain ultimately inconclusive, because connor still died.....lots going on, of course the tone is different b/c jared is a part of it, but people also completely overlook Other moments as jared you know, not having as genuine or deep or real Feelings as evan b/c jared’s front involves acting unbothered and being clever and funny, but obviously that doesn’t mean his feelings aren’t there and there aren’t stakes to them, and just because this song involving jared just seems lighthearted and unserious doesn’t mean that again, things aren’t Real and Important for jared.....augh

and yes lmfao the laugh is very good, i’m glad to compile it for our health

#bemoresochill #deh #kleinsen

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for-f0rever · 6 years

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okay so like i did with my post when i saw Noah, i’ll do a recap of Mike’s last show! i’ve been fortunate enough to see this show three times and to see Mike as Connor all three times, but i think this time was my favorite :) (MLB was my first Evan, then Noah, then Taylor)

if you were at the show and i forgot anything feel free to add to this! i write these on the train home and sometimes i just...forget things haha. also you can always send asks if you want to know more about something or you just want to ask something :)

anyway like with the last one i’ll put it under a read more so you don’t have to scroll forever because i tend to like... ramble when i write things haha

Act 1

so obviously when you look at the board picture i posted, Asa was on for Larry. I had never seen him before, but he was amazing. i really liked his interpretation of Larry, he was more relaxed and rarely raised his voice, which was a little bit of a change, but one that kind of made everything super interesting

Taylor is also amazing. he plays a little bit more of a confident Evan, but he rubs his face a lot and wipes his hands on his jeans, so you can definitely still tell he’s super anxious. i really liked the way he approached Evan

Mike seemed so relaxed throughout the show. He was smiling and laughing through the funny parts and i kind of felt like he was trying to take it all in. he was definitely embarrassed by all the attention though haha.

when they come out in Anybody Have A Map Jennifer had to wait until the cheers died down for him (which were so loud) and he looked back at her and smiled but i’m pretty sure he just wanted her to start because the cheers were so loud and for a good few seconds

usually during Anybody Have A Map when Cynthia says that he’s not high Connor just looks up in Zoe’s direction/not really staring at anything, but in this show he turned back and looked at Jennifer and smiled

Phoenix was adorable and the way she portrayed Alana was amazing. you can tell she just wants to fit in and the way she’s so confident but so eager to do something is portrayed so perfectly by her. her voice is also insanely good

Jennifer generally gets super emotional through the show (obviously), but she seemed even more emotional at this show than the other times i saw it. there were times where she was inconsolable and it was so heartbreaking (she always breaks my heart, but i felt like it was so much more painful today)

When Connor grabs Evan’s arm Evan like yelps out quietly in pain, and normally Connor just like apologizes quietly and then writes but this time he sort of paused for a few seconds and then wrote his name

Mike didn’t finish his little “that’s the saddest fucking thing i’ve ever heard oh my god” after he asks how Evan broke his arm. He ended up laughing quietly before he got through “oh my god”

when the Murphy’s tell Evan that Connor took his own life, Larry sort of turned to Cynthia when they realized Evan didn’t know and Cynthia just looked SO upset and immediately started crying and shaking her head. she sounded so broken when Evan tried to tell her the truth

For Forever was so painful. The Murphy’s all just looked so sad and Evan just wants to make it better and you can see. Cynthia was just sobbing at the table listening to him tell this story

Sincerely, Me was SO carefree. Will was so funny during it and Taylor was so stressed. Will and Taylor feed so well off each other honestly. during “my sister’s hot” Mike smirks and Taylor sounds horrified that Jared would even write that. Taylor hugged Mike during “our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond” and then like runs away from him during “but not because we’re gay”. the two of them were laughing the whole song and during the final chorus when they’re all dancing all three of them were smiling and laughing with each other and it was so cute

Laura cried through almost all of Requiem, which i’m pretty sure didn’t used to happen. she still sounded upset during the next scene right before If I Could Tell Her. Requiem is a heartbreaking song in general, but god it really was painful at this show

Taylor’s mannerisms in If I Could Tell Her were adorable. He was so nervous and he would like nervously pace and he touched Connor’s comics at one point

Mike in Disappear was more carefree than i could ever remember happening before? when Evan says he doesn’t know who to talk to Connor just said “you can talk to me” but Mike didn’t make his voice high pitched or anything he just sounded genuine about it. Disappear was so cute and they seemed like they were having such a good time. Taylor had turned to look at him when he was singing at one point and just smiled at him

Cynthia telling Evan that Connor hadn’t been invited to any bar mitzvahs was so sad she could barely get it out when she said it

Taylor’s panic attack just before You Will Be Found was INCREDIBLY believable. when he fell over he just sort of laid there stunned and then looked like he was going to throw up for a minute before he picked himself up finally. I could see his hands shaking and I was pretty far away

during You Will Be Found Mike’s baby pictures pop up on the screen (i’ve reblogged a boot part of that before if you’ve never seen it! i could find it again because it’s one of my favorite moments) and they were so painful to look at at this show. Larry collapses when he’s looking up at him, and Asa seemed so distraught. his interpretation of Larry was so incredible, and when he grabbed Cynthia right after the baby pictures stop flashing on the screen you could tell how upset he was that his son is gone.

Laura’s “you’ve given me my brother back” at the end of YWBF was heartbreaking. she was crying and ugh it was awful

Act 2

During Sincerely, Me Reprise Will’s laugh made Mike laugh it was so funny. and Mike’s expressions when Evan says they can’t just make things up about this was priceless. i really can’t remember him being this animated before

During To Break In A Glove in the bridge right before Larry says “you’re just trying to do your best for a kid who’s lost control” Asa leaned his hand on the work bench and tried not to get emotional

It probably has a lot to do with Taylor and Laura being close, but right before Only Us when Evan is panicking that they’re going to break up was hilarious. He reached out to hold her wrists and was like “thank you” and she laughed and was like “don’t mention it” and they both laughed

Zoe does a TON of nervous fidgeting. it’s such a little detail that i don’t know if i’ve ever noticed before, but it’s so important and i love it

I’ve written this before i think, but the tenseness in the scene where the Murphy’s offer Evan Connor’s college fund is so awkward and tense and you can tell how embarrassed Heidi is that Evan had even said anything about this to anyone

RBJ and Taylor’s fights are SO much more escalated than MLB and Noah’s were. Taylor’s almost a more confident Evan while still being anxious at the same time, and they’re screaming at each other and you can tell Evan is getting worked up but he’s so upset at the same time and it’s so intense

Jared looked and sounded so hurt when Evan said that they’re friends because Jared doesn’t have anyone else to be friends with during Good For You

During the “did you fall” scene, Mike definitely started getting emotional way earlier than he normally does. his “you can get rid of me whenever you want” was so heartbreaking and emotional and you could see how upset he was in this scene

Phoenix’s interpretation of Alana is SO good. I really liked the way she approached her and when Evan stops helping her with The Connor Project she is SO pissed. it was such a raw and real reaction that i loved

The lead-up to Evan admitting the lie was so intense, it just kept building and Cynthia just kept getting more upset and then he reveals the lie and everyone is so emotional. Zoe’s “how could you do this?” was so quiet but you could tell how hurt she was

usually when Connor comes on stage he just stays on for a second or two during Words Fail (right before “this was just a sad invention”) but today he lingered a little longer, walked a little further on the stage, shook his head and then turned and walked off and you could tell he was upset/crying. it brought so much more emotion to that part

right before So Big/So Small Evan was much more emotional. Taylor was crying, and Rachel was emotional, and it just made the whole scene so raw? that scene is heartbreaking crying or not, but this made it even sadder if possible.

RBJ’s vocals are INSANE. i know i’ve said that before and i think everyone knows this, but god. she is so heartbreaking in So Big/So Small, and she grabs Evan and holds him so tight, rubs his back and rocks him

Zoe and Evan at the orchard is so sad, but it’s the kind of closure you need at the same time. there’s little moments where you wonder what they could’ve been, but overall it’s just a lot of healing. Zoe says “it’s been hard... it’s been a hard year” with a sad smile to him and you can see how she’s still hurting

during the finale they all walk on stage and when Jennifer turned to walk back to her final spot she glanced at Mike and they smiled at each other

There’s a video of the bows but since they cut off the side of the stage i’ll just explain them too! the cheers were so loud for Mike when he came back on and immediately you could tell he hated the attention haha. when Mike and Phoenix walked over to the side Phoenix said something and they both laughed and then Mike pulled Phoenix in for a hug. Asa came over and hugged them both and he rubbed Mike’s back. then Laura came over and grabbed Mike in the tightest hug and she was crying so, so much

when they finished bows Mike tried to sneak away but Phoenix grabbed him and pulled him back and he was laughing and shaking his head like he literally hated that they made him have the attention on him omg. Jennifer brought him his flowers and she was crying but she said something to him and kissed his cheek and hugged him so tight. Mike blew kisses to the whole cast and waved to the orchestra, and then turned back and did one more quick bow before he BOLTED off stage i’m dying he literally hated the attention on him

so in summary, while it may have been SLIGHTLY irresponsible to spend money and see the show again, i’m so glad i did it. i don’t think it’s a secret that Mike is one of my favorite actors, and to see him in his final show is something i’ll never forget. he is so humble and adorable and talented and i can’t wait to see what he does next :)

#deh recap #dear evan hansen recap #mike faist #jennifer laura thompson #asa somers #laura dreyfuss #rachel bay jones #taylor trensch #will roland #phoenix best #dear evan hansen #deh #happy trails mike 💙

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