#also physically restrained myself from writing flavour

[xseildnasterces]

if.

I’ve never been a fan of ice-cream. I remember when I was younger everyone thought I was a complete weirdo (not just because I didn’t like ice-cream…), but it was certainly something that people thought was strange. However, there is one particular flavour of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream that I absolutely ADORE. It’s a ‘special’ flavour that is only available for very limited periods, so imagine my absolute excitement when I was trying to find something to order for dessert yesterday on my delivery app and I saw that it was currently the special flavour!? I ordered a full tub for the freezer and also a scoop to eat last night. It is literally the best flavour of ice-cream I have ever had, and I love it so much! It certainly cheered me up.

I had Finnish this morning but felt completely lost. I felt like I didn’t know anything and just didn’t know what I was doing. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I just need to do some more work at home and actually spend more time on it, but considering the other two students in my class have Finnish partners, I cannot be too surprised that I am not learning as fast as they are. They can practice everyday and already have bilingual children or have lived in Finland, so of course, this makes a huge difference. 

The weather was beautiful yesterday, but as always, I was in a bit of a weekend lull and spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing. I was feeling a little down for a number of reasons. My sister is home and being an absolute nightmare daughter and driving my parents crazy. Minutes after arriving home and surprising my parents she went mental about her room and just exploded like a volcano. To say she had been away for one year and this was her attitude when she returned is just ridiculous. I’m surprised my parents didn’t tell her to just get back on a plane and go back to Bangladesh. I feel sad that they are having to deal with her but also jealous that I am not there. It almost feels like someone is in my place – as stupid as that may sound. I’m anxious for when I do go home because I know it’s not going to be the same. Don’t get my wrong. I am very pleased she is home and safe, but her attitude sucks and I know that we will argue like hell when I am at home. The last few times I have been home have been some of the best in my life, but knowing that my sister will be there next time I go home makes me sad in one way, because I know it will not be the same. This also means Christmas will not be the same, and the last two Christmas’ really have been the best I can remember from my adult life. R hasn’t replied to my voice messages since Thursday which also makes me feel a little down. Although I do not believe I have done anything wrong, my anxiety does not recognise that and believe I did indeed do something wrong. Not only that, but it just increases my feelings of loneliness which really are rife right now. Feelings of loneliness are also coming from D not replying as actively as usual, and H, M and F going out for days out without me. I feel horrendous feeling sad about this. They are a family and I am always telling H to ensure they do things as a family and not with me because I do not want to take up all their time, yet when I see they have been out and adventuring somewhere I feel sad that I was not invited. When I think about it properly, I do not believe I am sad about not being invited, I am sad that I do not have friends to do it with. 

I have noticed that I am feeling sad a lot at the moment. I feel very in my head and full of confusion. I definitely miss physical touch from just about anyone, in terms of hugs or just being held. I really miss just being held and comforted, but I also miss making-out and sex. Both of which I have not indulged in for almost two years (or more?)… blah. For some reason this is something that has really been on my mind recently and I am not too sure why. It’s just ‘there’ in my head, and… nothing helps to make it go away. Nothing. 

My face hurts today. My skin is still a mess despite my new skincare prescriptions. I know it will take about three months to see any difference, but regardless its painful. Having weird lumps on your face, a.k.a. cystic acne is just so sore and attempting to pop then to relive the pressure doesn’t only not work, but also makes the whole thing worse. Yet, it’s really hard to restrain. 

I feel that this post is very much like little thoughts and bits ‘n’ pieces just being thrown together, and I guess it sort of is. I am missing travel so very much. I want to explore, and I feel as though I have been tied down with a ball and chain for the last year and beyond. I know most people have felt the same, yet I still feel incredibly sad and depressed about it. I feel frustrated, anxious, agitated and more than anything just so fatigued. I feel a constant sense of exhaustion each and every day. If I do not make myself to into the office during the week, I could very happily lay down on the sofa and do nothing else but sleep. I had my monthly massage on Wednesday which certainly made me feel better, but I also ended up feeling pressured into buying some melatonin gummies to aid my sleep. I’m usually not someone easily pressured into buying things, but for some reason I was not in the mood to make the situation awkward, so I bought them anyway. I think they are helping slightly with aiding my sleep. Perhaps they are in fact just acting as a placebo, but either way I appear to be falling asleep early in the evening so that has to be worth something right? 

In two weeks, I will be fully vaccinated and hope I will feel a little safer doing things. Of course, not right away, nor directly after the two weeks have passed to ensure utmost immunity. Yet it will ease my fear whenever I am able to fly home, and it will ease my fear of spending so much time in the office. It will also ease my fear of removing my mask for a couple of seconds whilst I take a sip of my drink whilst walking down the street, and it will ease my fear of just doing things in general. This can only be positive. It may also help my poor little dry hands that have certainly become a victim of the pandemic with my excessive handwashing and hand sanitising every single time I move.

 *              *              *              *              *              *              *

To prove my point regarding my constant need to sleep… I wrote all of the above around 2 hours ago, put the laptop down for five minutes and found myself asleep for over an hour. I just can’t help it. I honestly find it hard to get through the day without having a nap to reset and enable me to feel more focused and alive. I have also woken up to absolutely crazy weather. The windows are shaking, and the rain is hitting the windows at full force. The week has been wonderful regarding weather. It has been so hot and sunny and now this. I have no idea what is going on. It honestly feels like I woke up some place else! As much as I hate the rain, it certainly makes me feel much less guilty about not doing anything and spending my day indoors doing very little. 

It’s less than a month until my birthday. This time last year it was a weird feeling to be celebrating a birthday during a pandemic, now it seems the norm. My birthday was made special last year by a number of people, yet I’m unsure if that will be the same this year. L is no longer my ‘friend’ due to them ghosting me, yet everyone else who made my day special will still be doing what they can to do the same this year. I know it sucks for everyone to celebrate their birthday during the pandemic, but even more so here when I am so far from everyone I love, and I live completely alone. I think in a way it emphasises the loneliness I have been feeling throughout this period. 

This has been such a random post. I feel like I wanted to write, and had so much today, yet when it came to put ‘pen to paper’ I had no idea what I wanted to say, nor how to. I guess I feel a little overwhelmed – yet do not know why. Let’s hope it’s a good week. I’m ready for something exciting to happen, because right now, life is just bobbing along and as I said in therapy this week – I feel like by the end of this we will have lost at least two years of our lives. Even more annoying, is the fact it was the last two years of my 20s. There was so much I wanted to do and ‘cross off my list’ before turning 30, and I know I’m not there yet, but it’s certainly coming and I feel as though I will spend time grieving for the time I have lost. I know some people will think that is dramatic, and perhaps it is, but at the end of the day we will most likely have lost two years of life, and losing two years of the ability to do anything you love is something to be sad about.

[Blog title: If - Lucy Spraggan].

#lucy spraggan #if #me #life #update #personal #diary #journal #write #writing #thoughts #feelings #memories #memory #thought #feeling

[sasuhinasno1fan]

My sex-crazed roommate

Don't be fooled by the title, there is no sex in this chapter. For one, I can't write smut. Also, I mention the word slut in here like three times but it's all kinda near the top so you can glance by it really quick if it is a trigger for you. Roommate

Lance wasn’t one to call people names. He’d been bullied when he was a kid and he didn’t want to do the same to other. But god, his roommate was a bit of a slut. It seemed like every other weekend he’s wake up to see another guy leaving Keith’s room. Never the same person twice, which meant one night stands. Lance was glad he was a heavy sleeper so thankfully he never heard the late night activities, but after walking in on the third one night stand using the only shower in the apartment, it was starting to get annoying.

“It’s like he doesn’t care about the fact that he’s living with someone!” Lance complained over the phone to his best friend Hunk. “He’s got guys trailing in and out of here, it’s ridiculous! If I walk in on one more of his exploits, I’m gonna scream. If he wants to be a, I can’t believe I’m saying this, a slut, he can go to their place.”

“Wow, you don’t usually go calling people sluts. Not even that girl who lived next door to you in college who’d have her boyfriend over like all the time. Do you remember how loud we would hear her moan?”

“Trust me, I’m glad I don’t have to go around and hear Keith. I don’t think I’d be able to look at him.”

“And the fact that you do think he is pretty hot has nothing to do with it.” Hunk started to tease.

“Hot as that mullet head is, he’s losing any interest I have in him with all the guys he has over.” Lance said.

Lance wasn’t going to deny he thought Keith was pretty hot when they first met when Lance came to check out the apartment. He was pretty pleasant and they got along, but he never mentioned he’d be stringing guys in and out in their roommate contract. If it wasn’t for the closeness to his job and the pretty good food Keith would make for them, Lance would be considering moving out.

“Maybe you should talk to him.” Hunk suggested.

“It’s not like I can go, ‘hey Keith, can you stop bringing your one night stands over? Having to clean up after them is really annoying. Please go home with them.’”

“Well what else are you going to do? Just put it up with it?”

Hunk had a point. He had to solve this. Problem was, it was Saturday, which was prime time for bringing one night stands. That was going to be an interesting conversation to have when he came home with his flavour of the night.

“You sure I can’t just go look for a new apartment?”

“Lance, just talk to the man.” Hunk ordered.

Lance groaned, “Fine.” But he wasn’t going to enjoy it.

He sat in the living room with his laptop, working on a work project, anything to distract his mind from the conversation he was going to have. He was never awake when Keith got home, it was usually pretty late based on the two times he was stumbling through the bathroom when he got back. He had no clue if Keith would be drunk or be stumbling in halfway started or even in the middle of seducing the guy even more. He really hoped they didn’t invite him to join.

It was nearing 1 am when he heard Keith’s voice from outside the door.

“Will you fuck off? Why the hell are you following me? I said I didn’t want to do it with you again.”

“Oh don’t lie darling. You couldn’t control yourself last time. I’ve seen you with all those other guys, trying to make me jealous.”

“Oh fuck off! You weren’t even that good. I swear to god, if you don’t leave, I’m going to scream bloody murder.”

“I don’t believe you. I know your just playing hard to get.”

“Get off!” Keith yelled before Lance heard a slam against the front door. He shoved his laptop off his lap and rushed to the door. “Let me go or else!”

Lance swung the door open and caught Keith as he fell in, thankfully pulling him away from his apparent stalker. Lance recognised him. He’d been the first guy Lance had walked in on.

“Who the hell are you?” the man asked.

“His boyfriend.” Lance said, not even thinking.

“Boyfriend? Yeah right, I’ve seen this slut taking guys from the club home with him.”

“Oh yeah? Funny when he has me, that he’d settle for guys like you. Not much to see in my opinion.”

The guy scoffed, “You know what, keep the slut. Not worth my time.” The guy stomped away, leaving Lance and Keith to sigh out in relief.

Keith pulled away from Lance and closed the door before turning back to his roommate. “Um, thanks.”

“No problem.”

“I’m surprised you had said you were my boyfriend though.”

So was he. “It just came out. He believed us and that’s all that matters. Look, this is what I needed to talk to you about. Your one night stands are becoming a problem. I’ve walked in on at 3 of your guys, including that one. Not to mention the mess the two of you leave in the apartment half the time. I don’t care what you do on the weekends, just, go do it at their place.”

“I know.” Keith said. “I overheard you earlier on the phone. I had forgotten my wallet and came back to it.”

“Oh.” Lance felt like crap. He ever meant for Keith to hear him. No one liked being talked about behind their back and Lance just had gone ahead and done it.

“I decided to lay off the weekend exploits and was paying my tab when the asshole cornered me. Pretty much followed me home.”

“Wait, followed you home? Didn’t you drive out to wherever?”

“Yeah, why?”

Lance had a bad feeling. “Doesn’t that mean this guy could try and come back and try something?”

“I don’t think he would. Unless you think otherwise?”

“I mean he did follow you. You’ve got to get a restraining order on this guy.” Lance said.

“Um, good idea, except I don’t know his name.” Keith said, looking a bit ashamed.

“Of course you don’t.”

“Ok look, tomorrow, I can go and find out his name from one of the bartenders. I’ll take care of this and then you won’t have to deal with anymore of my one night stands.”

The wording of that sentence made him feel like an ass. He had been complaining but he never meant for Keith to feel bad about it. The apology was right there on his lips, all he had to do was say it, but instead he just said, “Ok, fine. Night.”

Lance felt like a complete coward.

It was his day off the next day and Lance was planning on spending the morning inside his room to avoid Keith. All he could remember was the look on his face when he admitted he heard Lance talk about him. Lance never wanted to bring that feeling on anyone, not after he’d been treated as a kid. Keith didn’t seem like the guy who didn’t seem to care what people thought about him, he really looked hurt.

“Lance? Can I come in?” Keith asked, knocking at his door.

“Yeah? What is it?”

Keith opened the door and slipped in, actually looking worried. Lance hadn’t really ever seen that look on him. “So, I might have an issue. I was checking the mail before I was gonna head to the bar and I saw that guy’s car outside.”

“Are you telling me this guy never left?” Lance asked, pushing himself off his bed.

“Maybe? Do you think you can come with me? I don’t think he’ll try anything if he sees us together.”

“That’s a big if.” Lance pointed out.

“Don’t have much choice, do I? Look, I need to get this guy’s name if I want to keep him away from me.”

Lance sighed. “Ok, let me get changed.”

Before he knew it, he was following Keith out of the apartment. He tried not to jump when Keith grabbed his hand and tugged him to where his bike was waiting. Keith handed him a spare helmet before climbing on. Lance climbed on behind him and pulled on his helmet and hesitated to put his hands around Keith’s waist. This was starting to feel to real, like he was just going for a drive with Keith, not going with him as a fake boyfriend to keep him away from an over eager one night stand.

“Lance? You ok?”

“Fine.” Lance said finally wrapping his arms around Keith’s waist, tightening when he pulled out and onto the street.

As they drove more into the city, Lance thought about the times they’d watch movies together. Lance was a cuddly person by nature and would start to lean on Keith during the movie. Lance had expected him to push Lance off but he never did, always moving his arm to the back of the couch so Lance could lie comfortably. It was in those moments Lance wished he said something to Keith. Maybe if he did, Keith wouldn’t be in this situation. They finally stopped and as Lance pulled his helmet off he saw a car passing that slowed down just enough to stand out.

“Was that him?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

The front door to the club was locked, but Keith’s loud pounding got a member of staff to open the door. Explaining to the owner the reason that they needed the name of the patron took longer than Lance would of thought. But they got a name in the end and the owner even offered to bring down one of their police friends to come after they said the guy had been following them.

Keith collapsed onto one side of a booth table and groaned loudly. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this.” He said.

“It’s ok. I didn’t mind. But…I should be the one to apologize.”

Keith pushed himself up and looked at Lance. “What do you mean?”

“What I said last night, about you…”

“Being a slut? I’m not going to deny that I like sex Lance.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have said that. I hated people talking behind my back but I did the same thing to you. Maybe if I didn’t say anything, you never would be in this position.”

“Or that guy would have followed me anyway. Besides, my brother hasn’t been happy with how many times I’ve been out. He keeps telling me I’m going to get myself in trouble and he was right, again. He keeps telling me I should just stay in on weekends but I get bored easily.”

“Well…I tend to stay at home and watch movies. A few times I go out with my friends to go bowling and stuff. It’s usually Hunk, his girlfriend and Pidge. They’re not into physical activity so I’m usually third wheeling half the time. If you want, you can join us. Maybe some time away from the clubs could do you some good.”

“So what? Like double dates if your Pidge friend doesn’t join in?” Keith asked, sounding like he was teasing.

Lane felt his face get hot. “Whatever you want to call it.”

“Ok then. If it’s ok, sure I’ll join you. But do you think we don’t go out tonight?”

“That’s fine with me. Movie night?”

“My pick.”  

#klance au month #roommate au #keith likes sex