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#and i dont have enough money to do anything
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Never Meant To Be
Beron Vanserra x Reader
Summary: an elite member of the society and a poor girl from the lower part of the town are destined to never be.
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A/n: this is a beron fic. i do not in any way support abuse irl, but i wanted to rite for him. if you dont like beron, please dont read 😭
also. BIRTHDAY GIFT FIC FOR MY BELOVED @fell-in-luvs 🥹❣️
(dividers by @tsunami-of-tears <3)
anywho. enjoy!!
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Drip. Drip. Drip.
Y/n paused midstep, curious eyes peering over the railing, trying to find where the sound was coming from. Hands tightened on the wooden bannister of the stairway, eyebrows furrowing. Maybe she should have brought a candle with her. The room was too dark for her to make out anything but the window in the far wall, lit up with the moonlight that spilled in, liquid and shimmery under the cover of night.
Breath escaping her lungs, Y/n descended the rest of the stairs, carefully tiptoeing so as not to wake her father sleeping on the floor above. By this point, she could recall the creaky steps from memory, and it was easy to avoid them. What she was more concerned about was bones lying around. Those sharp bones that flew around as her father butchered animals was the only thing Y/n was concerned about, really, considering she was barefoot.
Quietly, she made her way towards the window, slowly pulling open the drawer where she kept the candles. By the time her fingers wrapped around the waxy stick, her eyes had started drooping already. It hurt to keep them open, to the point she considered just returning to her room and ignoring the dripping liquid. But the area she lived in was poor, and the people here could not afford to waste resources. Water was precious, most of it being used up by the elites of the society, whatever little was left flowing down to the lower suburbs where Y/n resided with her father.
She brought out the candle, shutting her eyes tight before blinking them open again in hopes it would help her shake the fatigue that began weighing down her shoulders. Lifting her fingers to the wick was a task that seemed impossible, but she somehow managed to light the candle up. With that, she hurried towards the faucets in the kitchen, squinting. Sure enough, water dripped from the tap. A breath escaped Y/n as she reached her hand out, grabbing the handle and twisting until the water stopped dripping.
She turned, wondering if she should take the candle back to her room.
Whack.
Y/n blinked, wincing. What was that? She made her way back towards the window, peering out. As her gaze wandered out towards the street between the crowded homes, her eyes narrowed. A group of what looked like… higher up males messing around.
Scoffing, she turned away, ready to just go back to bed.
Alas, the males had other plans for her as the moment her attention flitted away, the sounds of howling and loud, obnoxious cheers reached her ears.
Pompous snobs. Rolling her eyes, Y/n decided that her father waking up because these boys who lived on their daddy’s money thought it’d be funny to be loud in the night, when everyone was sleeping, was not worth it. Her father was always so tired, and the few hours of rest he got were precious.
She yanked open the window, leaning her head out. "Hey! Shut it!"
The four males turned to look at her, their eyebrows raised. They all looked young, maybe around four hundred years old. They had expensive looking embroidered jackets on, their hair either slicked back or pulled into a ponytail.
"Oh? And what will you do if we don’t shut it?"
Jaw clenched, she studied the males. Two of them had dark hair, blue eyes, and the build of a teenage mortal. Possibly more into studying arts and literature than being a warrior. One had long, flowy blond hair, his eyes hooded and green like the skin of a toad.
That thought brought satisfaction to Y/n.
The one who looked the oldest among the fae, the one with short length auburn hair, stared straight at Y/n, no emotion on his face. The others had sneers and taunting smirks plastered on their faces, but not this one. He stood stoic, his eyes fixated.
She stared back at him for a few moments, unable to look away. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she somehow knew him. That she was supposed to know him.
But then he turned away, dismissing her. She stared at his back in bewilderment, her temper rising, sleep long forgotten.
Who did he think he was?
She wanted to call him, demanding an explanation. But that would have consequences, and neither she nor her father could afford it. Not to mention that if any of these males were a part of the high lord’s court, it would mean a death sentence or banishment.
Squeezing her eyes shut, Y/n retreated, blowing out the candle and shoving it back in its drawer before she stomped her way back to her room.
Y/n was mad because of the males behaviour, but more than that, she was mad at the fact that she was so bothered by the red headed male turning away from her, like she meant nothing. Like she was less than the dirt on the bottom of his boots.
Fuck him.
Sleep evaded Y/n for the rest of the night, her mind too busy trying to dissect her reaction to the male.
It was unusual for her. She never really cared for what people thought of her, having learned long ago not everyone would be nice to her all the time. But this male. He stayed on her mind, refusing to leave.
Morning came earlier than it should have. And with the first rays of the sun came her father’s booming voice, yelling at her to stop sleeping and to get her ass moving.
It grated on her nerves, and she had half the mind to yell back at him. But she pulled herself together, donning a simple dress. She did not help with the butchering, not really, but she did have to go out every morning to get some extra water from the creek nearby.
"Father! I am leaving!" She called out as she slid on her boots. A grunt was the only answer she got in return.
Early mornings were a precious time, for most of the people only started to leave their houses once the sun was higher in the sky. That meant that Y/n was all by herself at the creek.
Silence, cherished and peaceful, surrounded Y/n, only occasionally broken by the chirps of birds flying overhead in search of food for their younglings. The sun peeking out from behind the distant hills bathed Y/n in a soft warmth, warding off the early autumn chill. She was grateful for the sun’s loving embrace and its company as she settled down at the riverbed, the wet soil under her legs soft as she started to fill up her bucket.
Water gushed around her hand as she broke the water's current, filling up the vessel in her hand.
Crunch.
Y/n’s body locked up, her heart rising into her throat at the sound. No one should have been here. Not at this time. It was too early. Her instincts roared at her to get up, to flee. But she did neither.
She turned her head, glancing over her tensed shoulders to look for the predator that had decided to make her their prey. Because this was a predator, Y/n knew in her bones. Be it fae or animal, it was a predator.
Her eyes wandered, cautiously landing on the immaculately dressed male.
Amber eyes met her own.
Auburn hair. Amber eyes. Embroidered, expensive jacket over a silk tunic and tailored pants.
The male from the previous night stared back at Y/n, a sadistic glint in his eyes.
"Think I lost my way." He called.
Y/n narrowed her eyes. There was no way he didn’t follow her.
"What do you want?" Y/n questioned, getting her feet under herself, trying her best to not have her back facing him.
A corner of his mouth lifted. "Nothing, really." At her skeptical expression, he chuckled. "Did you have a good night of sleep last night?"
Y/n narrowed her eyes. "Is that all you came here for?"
He took a step forward, grass bending under his boots. Y/n took a step back instinctively, a lump rising in her throat. Muscles rolled and moved to try and accommodate it, but swallowing did not help as he continued to come closer.
"No. That is not all." Y/n glanced behind her, realising she stood at the very edge of the bank. One step was all it would take for her to tumble back into the water, and she’d rather be yelled at than drown in front of him.
"I wanted to make it up to you."
Y/n blinked. "I… what?"
He smirked, barely inches between them when he next spoke. "Did you not hear me the first time?"
Blood rushed to Y/n’s face. Now that he was so close, she could make out the shadow of a beard on his face, like he hadn’t shaved in days.
"I don’t understand how you are going to get me back my sleep."
His head tilted to the side, animal like. "How old are you, little fawn?"
Her chin lifted, refusing to budge under the intense gaze of the predator. "Twenty three."
The corner of his lips lifted higher, and for a moment, Y/n could not help but stare.
Eyes flitted away after a moment, realising she had been staring. "Twenty three? You’re basically a child."
Muscles rolled in her neck, then she met his eyes. "And?"
He shook his head, leaning back. "Let me make it up to you, beautiful. Meet me at the town square at sunset."
She blinked. "Why would I do that?"
He smirked. Shrugged, his jacket moving with the movement of his wide shoulders.
Then he turned, and stalked away, leaving her gaping at his back.
What just happened?
She did not have the answer to that question, but she did know she was not going.
Quickly, she composed her thoughts and set to filling up her bucket again, already dreading the scolding she would receive from her father because she took too much time to return home.
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"Was he at least rich?"
Y/n froze, her fingers curling tighter into the sponge she had been rubbing against the pot. "What?"
"The male who wasted your time this morning. Was he one of the elites?"
Cold eyes turned to look at the weathered butcher, his eyes fixed on the meat he continued to whack with his knife. But Y/n knew his attention was fixed solely on Y/n and her answer.
Blowing a collected breath out of her nose, Y/n turned back to the pot she’d been scrubbing. "Maybe. How would I know?"
He scoffed. "Don’t play coy with me, girl. Do you want to keep all his riches for yourself?"
Eyes wide, she turned back to stare at him. "What do you mean by that?"
"You cannot expect me to believe your lies. A male just approached you out of nowhere, talked a little, then walked away, with no ulterior motives in mind?" Y/n simply stared at his back, and he finally dropped his knife, meeting his daughters eyes. "He obviously wanted to do something with you. He either wants to marry you, or he wants to use you for one night. Surely you can’t be that naive?"
Huffing, Y/n placed the pot back in the sink, throwing the sponge next to it and washed off her hands, trying to calm down her rising temper as she watched the soap suds vanish slowly.
"I’ll be outside."
"Go wherever you want, girl, as long as I get my share of money!"
Her eyes closed, a frustrated sigh puffing out from between her lips. Deciding that she needed more than the fresh air outside her walk, she began walking towards the town square mindlessly.
Not realising that it was almost sunset.
The square was busy, filled with males returning home from work and people who just wanted to have an early start to their nightly activities. The area was so crowded that Y/n debated turning around, but the thought vanished when she remembered why she was here in the first place.
To get away from her father. Maybe sit with some older ladies and have a chat.
"Going somewhere?"
Y/n glanced over her shoulder.
The male from the river side.
Her eyes widened, realising what time it was. He simply smirked and stalked forward, the crowd automatically parting for him. He didn’t even seem to realise that there were people around him.
"You look surprised." He mused.
Her eyes narrowed. "Maybe because I am?"
He chuckled. "You look like you’re in need of a distraction."
Y/n turned away. "Do I?"
He hummed. "I can provide a distraction."
She shot him an incredulous look. "No thank you."
She turned away, beginning to make her way through the crowd again. But… 
Maybe it would be a good idea to indulge him. At least for some time. Maybe she could even figure out why his nonchalant attitude bothered her so much.
"You know what? Humour me…"
A smirk spread across his lips, the first genuine expression Y/n had seen on him. "Beron."
Her brows furrowed. She knew she had heard that name somewhere.
There could be so many more males named Beron, She tried to reason with herself.
"Hmm. Let's see what you can do, Beron."
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Being a four hundred year old heir was a hard job, one Beron excelled at. His father was a fucking monster, but at least Beron could forget about the asshole when he snuck out with the bastards who kissed his ass every chance they got. Beron knew that they did not really care for him. No, they just wanted a shiny title once Beron became high lord.
Beron never really considered himself a nice male. He knew he was going to turn out just like his father, and if he was being honest, he was fine with that fact. He had no interest in becoming a better person.
But then Y/n pushed her way into his life. Or maybe he simply dragged her in. All that mattered was her, and nothing more.
She was a shiny gem.
Beron was a dragon.
And he wanted her in his collection, no matter what it took. Beron would gladly take all the torture his father made him go through if it meant at the end of the day he would get to see her. Maybe fuck her. But she made him come alive. And for the first time in all his four hundred years of existence, Beron wondered.
Wondered what a family with her would look like. Maybe he would become a better man.
But if there was one thing Beron wasn’t, it was delusional. He knew it was all wishful thinking. She was a nobody, a poor butcher’s daughter from the lower clans of autumn court. He was destined to take over ruling the whole court. They were never meant to be.
But in the cover of night, within the safety of the four walls of his room and under his blanket, Beron let his thoughts run wild, letting himself imagine a world where his father was a better man.
Of course, his hope was dwindling down day by day.
Particularly after his run in with his father that morning.
"You summoned me?" Beron muttered, his eyes lowered in deference.
The high lord hummed. "Come in." Lungs expanding, Beron made his way to stand in front of his father. "I will save us both time and get to the point."
Beron blinked.
"The peasant girl you’re fucking. I don’t want anyone finding out."
His blood chilled, eyes flying to fix on the relaxed figure of his father. "What?"
The high lord snorted. "You think I am naive? dumb? Listen closely, Beron. You are most likely going to be chosen by the magic to be the next high lord. I don’t want you marrying a good for nothing peasant. Fuck around, sure. But if I were you, I would make sure she did not fall pregnant." He finally looked at his son. "Oh and, start preparing. I have set up a marriage for you which will be beneficial for everyone."
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Nothing ever surprised Y/n. And if it did, she was good at hiding it.
It was a surprise to Y/n when Beron showed up at her house every day since then, but he was one of the elite families in the autumn court. So that meant he was never denied anything in his life, so it came as no surprise when he thought he was entitled to her time.
But what did surprise Y/n when she actually wanted to spend time with him. So she just went along with his plans, often spending time together sitting at the cliff sides, watching the sunset.
He just… pulled her in. He enchanted her, and she was grateful he did. He had bewitched her, body, mind, soul. And she never wanted to go back to what she was before he came along.
She was aware that their union was improbable. Maybe impossible. But no one could fault her for being hopeful.
The crisp autumn air swirled around Y/n as she made her way to the hut outside of the town's borders, invisible to the fae passing because of the cover of trees around it. Shivers wound up her spine, leaves crunching under her boots. She pulled the scarf around her neck tighter, already anticipating wrapping herself around her lover when she got to his secret home.
He had revealed the place to her late one evening, handing her the keys to it. Later Y/n found out he had brought the place specifically so the two of them could meet in peace.
Moments passed in silence, only broken by her steps and the movement of the trees, animals and spirits around her in the forest. She hurried on, eager to tell Beron about the kitten that had started following Y/n around the previous day, only slowing down when the wooden structure came into view.
Along with it came dread.
Why, she did not know.
The surroundings were eerily quiet, like even the wind was holding its breath.
Confusion dug its claws in, along with doubt and fear. Was Beron home?
The door creaked open, and she tiptoed inside, a resounding click echoing behind her. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness inside, she stopped breathing.
What happened here?
The whole interior of the house looked like a storm had been inside. Shards of glass, cutlery, plants, wood pieces littered the ground, a dark stain covering a small area on the opposite wall. Hell, even the dining table was upended.
Her heart slowed, then resumed its hard pace. "Beron?" The sound of the name was shrill, panic evident as she discarded the basket in her hand next to the door, running deeper. "Beron? Are you home?"
Crash.
And then silence.
The door to the bedroom was cracked open, and the closer Y/n got, she could hear heavy breathing from the other side of the wood. Steps slowed, air rushing in despite the barrier in her throat as she peeked inside.
The first thing she noticed was the blood.
A lot of blood.
Dripping from his fist as he stood there, staring at the shattered glass at his feet.
"B- Beron?"
Wild, primal eyes met hers, mad intent in them. Fear started to seep into her blood the longer she stared back at him. And if she hadn’t been watching him so intently, she would have missed his whispered words.
"I’m getting married."
Ice. So cold, so numbing, took over any other emotion in her body, overriding her senses.
"Oh," deep breath, "well. Congratulations then."
And with that, Y/n turned away, ignoring his incredulous laugh echoing through the hollow walls that surrounded her.
"Go on, run away! Everyone does."
His words followed Y/n all the way to her home, haunted her all night. That laugh, the crack in his voice, the emotions that ran rampant in his eyes. All of it kept her up. Pained her, dug its claws into her heart and ripped her apart from the inside.
It felt like someone had cut open her body and lit a fire to her organs.
And she deserved it.
She hurt all night long, the tears running down the sides of her face and back into her hair burned too, like acid. But growing up in the lower parts, she was used to ignoring all pains. That's what people did when there were things to be done.
Ignore the pains during the day, cry about it at night. But keep it all inside, don’t let anyone find out.
So when the sun’s rays broke in through her windows, she made herself get up. Got changed. Stared at herself in the mirror until she was sure there were no cracks.
And then she went about her day, ignoring the shards of her broken heart that poked at her flesh.
Just like she had ignored the shiny, golden string that tied her to Beron.
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The females had been whispering. Everyone around Y/n seemed to know what was going on. She could not be quite sure what they were talking about, but from an overheard conversation between two housewives at the town square, Y/n drew the conclusion that the high lord had passed.
And the heir was going to take over soon. He was also getting married in a few hours in the sacred temple in the middle of the town, and anyone was free to come see and give their blessings. As Y/n had expected, her father jumped at the opportunity to even be breathing the same air as the elites.
Y/n knew he also wanted to go and see if he could find a male willing to pay in exchange for Y/n’s hand.
"Y/n! We will miss the wedding! Can you be any slower?"
Deep breaths. She reminded herself as she fixed her skirts, eyes fixed on the mirror. When she deemed herself fit to be presented, she turned.
Her father looked livid as he stood outside the house, and Y/n knew a tantrum was on its way. But to Y/n’s surprise, he turned and walked away, leaving her to run after him to catch up.
The air was unusually humid the closer they got to the clearing in the forest where every high lord had held important events.
It seemed like everyone had come to see the new high lord get married. Every few moments, an elbow would hit Y/n in the back, in her ribs. Anywhere, really.
It was by the time that she was sure that her skin was going to bruise that the high lord came into view.
And Y/n’s lungs turned into rock, refusing to expand to let air in.
Amber eyes surveyed the crowd, landing on hers with unnatural precision.
Eyes prickling, Y/n watched him glance at his bride, who nodded along to the priestess, before returning to her.
A silent, long moment passed. And then his eyes widened, shining with so much emotion. She had never seen him this bothered.
And finally, the empty, cold void that had been on the other side of the golden string that had laid dormant in her chest filled, light and fire filling her chest.
But Y/n turned her head away.
She was not someone he should have even talked to in the first place. She was far beneath his level. He would not forfeit his throne for her. And she could not forfeit the simplicity of her life for him.
They were simply not meant to be.
And the light that had just reached her slowly diminished, the life going eerily quiet. She knew she hurt him, but she could do nothing to fix him, even as her chest started filling with numbness, anger and resentment pouring in from the other side.
With one last glance, Y/n sprinted away, back to the little hut she shared with her father.
She would never be able to forget that look on his face. The hrd angels that seemed accentuated by the weeks worth of stubble on his jaw, the fury that seemed to age him another century.
But they were never meant to be.
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x-liv25-jamieswife · 15 hours
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my ranking of the tig villains/most hated characters
i'm bored so i'm doing this. 1 is the character i hate most meaning 8 is the one i hate the least. i apologize if this sucks. its quite late for me as i'm writing this.
drake. ik most people would put eve or smth at the top of this list, but this dude is an abuser and a pedophile (he used to call avery jailbait which means "a person who is younger than the legal age of consent for sexual activity and usually appears older, with the implication that a person above the age of consent might find them sexually attractive" according to wikipedia). not only was he horrible to libby, but he also tried to kill avery. characters like him just give me the ick and the creeps and i just can't stand them.
eve. i think this is self-explanatory. eve is one of the most annoying and petty characters i've ever read about. she tried to kill avery, kidnapped tobias (and ruined his chances of forming a better relationship with avery, and, as the biggest toby and avery father daugther stan, i cannot stand this), manipulated grayson, and hurt many people. if you don't hate her, i don't trust you. also, i hope she doesn't get a redemption arc bc she doesn't deserve it.
sheffield. i have one thing to thank this dude for and that's the love confession from jameson after he put avery in a coma. other than that, he bombed avery, kidnapped avery, cheated on his wife, was a horrible 'father' to grayson (and his daugthers bc of colin). he's honestly tied with eve (he's not first cause i can't stand guys like drake). i dont really think i have to explain myself
emily. i really don't think i have to explain. she's manipulative, petty, self-absorbed. the only thing she has going for her is that she didn't try to kill anyone. she treated the boys like crap, emotionally abused her sister, and (although she wasn't present to do it i still blame her for it) affected avery's self-esteem.
ricky. i know he's high on this list but he's just so creepy to me. anyone who hurts avery in any way si automatically a no for me. he was never there for avery and libby, refused to take custody of her after her mom died, didn't show up to hannah's funeral, tried to step up to get money after avery inherited, got together with skye (ew???). ik this doesn't seem horrible in comparison to what the others did, but seeing avery's feelings towards him in the books (especially thl) made me despise him so that's why he's so high up.
tobias. he emotionally abused his grandsons, put avery in a position that he knew might get her killed, treated his own kids horribly, hurt a lot of people in order to become who he became. the only reason he isn't higher up is bc he did sometimes do nice things (although not often).
vincent. him and tobias are sort of interchangeable??? but he partnered with eve to get toby kidnapped (sort of putting a stop to toby and avery's relationship which like said earlier pisses me off). from what i remember, he didn't really do anything else and i sort of understand where he was coming from (getting revenge on tobias) but what he did is still horrible and taking his anger towards tobias out on a teenage girl is just weird to me.
skye. i find her character sort of interesting but she is a horrible mother towards her sons. she's also a huge pick me bc who sleeps with their sister's boyfriend. she also tried to get avery killed which is just a no no. this is sort of off topic and i've made a post about this before but she didn't get punished enough for what she did to avery and that is grayson's fault. i talk about it in slightly more detail in this post.
although i knew that avery was hurt by a lot of people in this series, this really showed me exactly how bad it was. there are even more people. literally every person on this list hurt her (directly or indirectly (in emily and vincent's case)). these people either tried to get her killed, messed with her head or both. avery is a girl boss. she deserves better.
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meimeikyu · 6 months
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watching a really long video about how someone made their cosplay and GOD is it interesting but also it makes me feel really bad about my cosplays
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snekdood · 7 months
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so uh
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for 1. most people are gonna take advantage of black friday and wont see your specific niche tumblr post, I hate to say it
2. the us isnt running out of money for war any time soon, so...
3. this is just antisemitism???????? all we need is some (((echoes))) around the us and israel and then I'd have no reason to suspect otherwise from op...............
#why in tf do you think they care that much about getting your money rn and not before in any other war?#does it. mayhaps. have something to do w jewish people being involved now?#our tax dollars go to the govt regardless and has been for years and we already have an obscene amount of funding for military shit#preeetty sure they're not concerned about getting a couple hundred tumblr users money...#and also pretty sure one could only believe that if they're paranoid about jewish ppl.................#hard not to put two and two together and figure out op is prolly antisemitic and hopefully they just dont realize it#i say hopefully they dont realize it bc thats better than someone who knows and is pretending to be a leftist still.#if anything this pause happened bc its thanksgiving and biden doesnt wanna think about it over the holidays. thats p much it.#thats the only amount of conspiracy theory im willing to believe in this situation lmao.#but that ^ still assumes that biden has some sort of control over this that he really doesnt#and i dont think netanyahu cares that much about thanksgiving tbr...#it sounds more like to me that op is seeing this from a very american centric pov and assumes everyone celebrates thanksgiving#or cares enough about it to remember the dates.... i dont think this is as planned as op is making it out to be and any insinuation#that it IS planned sounds like conspiracy theory talk to me personally. i dont think biden is hittin netanyahu up and going#'hey thursday is thanksgiving and would be the perfect time to pause so we can (((get peoples money))) out of them#asiftheUSdoesnthaveplentyalready' like i just really dont think that convo is happening lmao.
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samwise1548 · 8 months
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What if everyone who has access to the tmagp premiere just gave out links to those who weren't able to pledge/didn't pledge enough?
Just a thought...
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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caimitos · 18 days
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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hershelwidget · 7 months
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sorry i just went on an deep dive. it would cost like. 5 or so billion dollar for the octonauts to function. either inkling has pockets as deep as the ocean or there’s some highly illegal behind the scenes nonsense goin on here
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astrovagrant · 3 months
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paid a bunch of bills
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dykeandballs · 5 months
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happy new years eve and new years to my gay ass mutuals
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du-hjarta-skulblaka · 2 months
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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crispyjenkins · 5 months
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welcome to cj/crispy's bi-yearly ptsd rant about fireworks, you are all safe and valid here and i am mentally giving out juice boxes and animal crackers
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jonny-b-meowborn · 1 year
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As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.
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anaalnathrakhs · 8 days
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i'm going to be honest i have no idea what i'm going to do. i messed up my choices for higher education and now i have barely a couple days to pick between a cursus way too difficult for me, a highly specialized cursus with shit outcomes, and a leap of faith into whatever kind of gap year alternative can get me out of my parents' hair for the time being. note how i have no fucking idea what that alternative could be, or what path i'd like to take ideally. fun.
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philosophicallie · 10 days
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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beansnpeets · 7 months
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It truly is god awful to have a new friend message you and ask how much you charge to shoot an event, like a baby shower, and then have to gently tell her you're not that kind of photographer.
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