#and ill start thinking i cant do anything im worthless i deserve failure in all things i do 😔 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

citrus-feline · 5 years

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the ultimate difference between me and my sister is our idea on how a life is supposed to be lived. even if i didnt have depression i would feel the same.

i hate how it is considered ‘normal’ to actively destroy your body and mind for the sake of capitalism. but she is the type of person who amplifies that expectation x100. she has no understanding of the concept of having fun. i swear the only thing keeping her sane is her dogs, which she has 3 of. because just one or two isnt enough for what shes doing.

she also shoves that expectation on everyone else. if you dont meet that, you are automatically a failure to her. when i told her at thanksgiving how we just moved out, her response wasnt “good job!” it was “okay now do something else”...... she was crying to me a few months before about how i was “killing our dad” because i was still at home. so i moved. a big, difficult thing. but that meant nothing to her.

she doesnt understand my personal need to take things slow or i will literally try to kill myself. she doesnt fucking get that. ive explained it to her. once even mentioning how bad my suicidal thoughts get. and she just got MAD at me. she acted like i have no right to feel like dying, because i don’t DO anything. look, i don’t do a lot, but i still do some things. i have a job that i make okay money with and i clean a little and cook a good amount of the time. yes i should be doing more, but the fact that im doing ANYTHING is fucking incredible compared to how i was a few months ago.

i know i go on and on about my sister all the fucking time but its because about 90% of my awful thoughts / expectations of myself can be lead back to her.

i dont even keep my depression and anxiety a secret from my family or anything. i have been open about it (or, as open as a very anxious teen can be). she never believed me. she never thought it was REALLY a problem. and she continues to feel that way about me. she thinks im weak and a disappointment. “you used to be so smart and talented!!” yeah. i was. but serious mental illness can easily ruin that if it is ignored for years like she wanted me to do.

honestly i fucking wish i wasnt the “smart” kid when i was younger. FUCK, i wasnt even for that long in school. i STOPPED being the smart kid by high school, even earlier. my only talents were writing papers and understanding the content without much trouble. that is NOT enough to consider me smart.

i dont know what she wants. well, i DO, but i wish it would be something POSSIBLE. she wants me to have a high paying job that i work full time & get benefits with like health insurance. she wants me to stop having fun and to focus on just work. she cant comprehend the way my body works because she has never dealt with anything like that. she has never experienced that dread and empty tiredness. that feeling where you think the best way to get out of it would be to just die or sleep.

sometimes i wonder what she would do in the scenario of my committing suicide. i planned on doing it before graduation, so it is something i think about a lot. what would have happened if i actually went through with that? would she care at all? she claims to love me but then she turns around and shows me every single way im worthless and a burden.

you wanna know WHY i SINCERELY believe that i am a burden? something that i am constantly told is a horrible thing to say but no matter what i still believe it? because of HER. the guilt tripping and the shouting and feeding all of these thoughts into my head how i am selfish and horrible for what i am doing / lack of what im doing.

i thought a long time about what my suicide note would have been. and i still think about it every few days just in passing currently. ‘I’m sorry I was such a burden’ or, ‘I’m sorry I’m so worthless’. Or maybe just ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’

its an awful thing to think about, i am aware. and i am aware that my view of myself is basically the most self-damaging it can be. but its fucking hard to unlearn that shit!! ive been SO SLOWLY starting to appreciate my appearance (which i still have tons of problems with), and even just that is taking so fucking long. i dont know HOW to fix myself. i could see a therapist, yeah. and just say how i feel and feel a little bit better afterwards but have nothing really change. my medication is already very high doses, so increasing that is not on my list of to-do’s.

i don’t know how to better explain that most of the time i sincerely believe that i am worthless. literally completely void of worth. i don’t think i have a right to be alive and where i am now. i don’t think i deserve any of the kindness i’ve been given. i don’t think i can get better in a meaningful way without it taking a decade if not longer.

it is true when they say that you are your biggest bully. but sometimes you have to pay attention to WHERE those ideas came from. what was the seed for that toxic thinking? a parent? a teacher? a sibling? or even just the media?

sometimes i imagine how different i would be if i never believed what i was told and never thought too hard about it. my sister has never outright called me a burden (i dont think?), but she has implied it enough for me to believe it. it can be the subtext that causes all of this. which REALLY fucking sucks because i pick up on subtext like a fucking natural.

im sorry. this post is too long and i am going to end it now.

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fairycosmos · 6 years

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everyday i feel so fucking gross & ugly and depressed i cant stand people looking at me. i hate going to school, i never ever go out or hang w my friends on the weekends & im scared to get a job bc im so insecure and i keep comparing myself to everyone i meet. i truly feel like im a disappointment and a failure. i feel so pathetic and im scared that the rest of my life is gonna be this way. and im mad at myself for not trying harder but i have for the past 18 years and im tired. im so worthless.

:(( i'm so sorry to hear that my love. feeling that way every single day must be so fuckin exhausting and i'm v v proud of you for getting through it. seriously. it's much more difficult than most people realize. i know i cant say anything that will instantly make everything better, and you don't have to read all of this, but please please try to believe some of it. when you're depressed as hell, your mind sort of turns against you, right? it can't be trusted. all of the things it's telling you are products of your low self esteem and mental health issues - they're not facts, no matter how much it feels like they are. other people aren't seeing you the way you perceive yourself, okay? they're not looking at you and thinking you're ugly or gross, because in reality, in the tangible present beyond your own insecurities, you're not. allow yourself that self awareness. you don't have to believe every thought you have, and you don't have to act on every urge you feel. you can just let them be. they only mean something if you say that you do. you have more control than you realize.it seems like most of this is stemming from how you personally feel, and since you're in emotional turmoil, the results are bound to be chaotic. you FEEL like you're a disappointment, you FEEL like you're worthless, you FEEL unattractive - so you just assume that's who you ARE as a person, who you'll always be. when theres no proof of that at all. theres no reason to believe that youre not a strong, capable person with a lot to offer if you look at yourself as a multidimensional being. being depressed doesnt take your goodness away from you. there's a difference between you and your self hatred, okay? instead of recognizing yourself as a flawed human, giving yourself room to grow, you're pushing yourself further into a corner by calling yourself a failure. i get it, your mind tells you that, so it's v hard not to buy into it. but you don't have to, i promise. you can learn not to. where you're at right now is genuinely not where you'll always be.when i'm dealing with my own shit, the idea that life is a lot longer than i believe really helps me out. we're the same age, and i really feel like we're SUPPOSED to be confused and intimidated by the future. and though the worry feels permanent, it comes and goes. it's possible to manage it as you grow up and learn how to exist one year at a time. its alright to be lost and upset and to not know the answers, you don't need to. who you will be at thirty will be v different to who you are at eighteen - things are guaranteed to change, to improve. there will always be sadness and obstacles of course, but it won't always be this blinding and intense. it's so easy to become disillusioned with life, but having a side open future and existing at all is somewhat of a miracle. it really is.that being said, if you're feeling so awful, i don't blame you at all for not wanting a job or to hang out or to do anything. im exactly the same. but it all starts with you. and if you're not comfortable in your own skin, you're not going to be comfortable anywhere. that's why i really believe that the only thing you need to worry about is making your mental health a priority. i'm not just bullshitting, and i fully appreciate how difficult it is, but sometimes you have to actively jump start periods of positivity and strength. mental illness is just as serious as physical illness, you know? and it's alright to need help/medical attention. most people do at one point or another. please don't just roll your eyes at this, please believe me. talking to a professional will genuinely change the quality of your life if you want it to. it can be a counsellor, a therapist, your regular doctor, a support group in your area etc. even calling a hotline/speaking to your parents/a teacher/a friend to begin with will lighten the weight. it doesn't have to be a big deal. healing starts with being fuckin honest about what's going on in your head. people understand more thsn you think they do. many have been where you ate now. and actually confronting the issue and actively figuring out why you hate yourself and where the depressive moods are coming from, will allow you to overcome them eventually. seeing a professional will also enable you to adopt healthier coping mechanisms into your life for when you feel yourself slipping into a dark place. there are ways to hold on and to keep a grip on reality. you can cut the cycle short and stop the negative thoughts before they have a chance to begin, by conditioning your brain to do so over time.i'm not saying it'll instantly solve everything, or that you won't be nervous. opening up is a weird, stressful thing. you will be vulnerable, because you need to be. but what's more scary - staying silent and letting this get worse and worse, or talking to someone you trust and getting it all out? reaching out is genuinely not as far fetched as you think it is, it's completely realistic. you can pick up the phone, make the appointment, research mental health facilities and resources in your area. you really really can do it. the only thing stopping you is your mind, which as we've established, is not looking out for you right now. and the underlying factor in all of this, the thing it always comes back to, is that you are not worthless. you're not. you were born with an inherent worth, dude. your sadness can't take that away from you. no matter how much you don't want to believe it - the simple fact that you're alive means that you're significant. and it means you deserve to be happy. youre doing so so well by being here to read this. the fact that you sent this ask means you want help on some level, even a subconscious one. so please, just consider it. look at the situation objectively and decide what you need to do to pull yourself back from the brink of this. and then, when you can, do it. one step at a time. i really hope you're okay. i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help, cause i understand where you're coming from. just. you're not alone, and you don't have to deal with it as if you are. please message me if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk properly. i'm always here.

#anon #sorry #this doesnt sound the way i want it to #but im rooting for you so much

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fakeboitherottengirl · 4 years

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Suicidal Rantings Trigger Warning

I cant keep living like this. I dont like anything. I dont enjoy anything sober. Music sounds like shit, movies are boring, art is frustrating and my head is constantly screaming. The only reason i havn’t tried to kill myself is that im afraid to fuck it up and wind up busted or retarded but its to the point I hardly care anymore. Weed is the only thing I enjoy and even that isnt fun like it used to be, it just makes things im supposed to enjoy tolerable. I dont want to go back to the hospital and do coloring pages and shit behind a curtain. It does nothing in the long run. Nothing has. Even Elma is frustrated with me because im stuck and ive been stuck for years going in loops because it is the world that is stuck, not me, and im not stupid enough into being tricked into thinking otherwise. Because thats what it all is, its a trap to trick you into being okay when things are NOT okay and accepting shit thats unacceptable and if the world didn’t play out like I wanted it to then Im not going to be part of it. I dont want to be here and I don’t want to do this. Im miserable because im not working and once i start working ill be miserable that I am, and it makes me want to kill kill kill kill because capitalism is making me feel this way and setting a standard i dont measure up to and if I cant be one of the people that wins then I don’t want to exist. I failed DBT and im not even mad because DBT is fucking stupid and i dont want to learn how to eat shit with a smile. I want to get hooked on heroin or something so I can at least feel good for a few months before it kills me and then I didnt kill myself and its no my fault and ill get to be part of the big scary opiate epidemic and people will use me as the face of some poor retarded girl with a big heart who got pulled into it or some other sympathetic martyr figure. I want to kill people im so mad all the time but who could I kill that would make it worth the consequences? Maybe I wont kill myself just so I can make sure i kill somebody else who deserves it first. My brain feels like it is burning. Nothing got better or is ever getting better. We have less money than ever, not more like we are supposed to over time. We are never going to have real grown-up lives because our entire generation is lost and lied to and fucked over. We are just as broke as my friends who didnt work for degrees. Weve been cheated every step of my existence and im done being cheated im done being exploited and even more important im done seeing the people I love cheated and exploited. 30 years ago we would have had a house and I could stay at home with 2.5 children and a white fence. We put the work in for no return. Every win comes with a miserable setback. I contribute nothing and consume everything and as long as im alive ill just be this hole that I try to throw things down to fill it but it never gets filled. Im a bratty selfish cunt and I don’t want to live because I can’t afford to smoke what i want. Ive been cheating all this time. I take it from my dad during the week or smoke dry resin. The last day I tried to get through sober was the monday I went to the hospital. If I had my own money id take up drinking and maybe just die from that but im watching dad do it and it takes too long. Im not even really sure I get high anymore but I guess I do because I cant like anything without it. But I hate everything, and capitalism is putting up a paywall between me and happiness again. I dont want to cut back for my health, i have to cut back because we cant afford it, so theres another thing capitalism stole from me.

I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I get the afterglow of being praised for doing simple shit like putting my tray away or coloring my page quietly or reading and then as soon as im back in the real world im reminded of what a failure I am. Im thinking of taking all my pills but Im afraid that they will just take them away if I fuck it up. I want to hang myself maybe but I dont want brain damage if i survive. I looked up all the ways to kill yourself and none of them are sure and most of them hurt and they all suck if you live. But Im going to soon, I have to because if I keep getting older it won’t be tragic it will just be pathetic. Dead grown-ups don’t make the news or get candle light vigils or become cult martyrs.

I see madi and she is my age and in a year or two shell be older than me but its not true and ill never be 16 again. Im not 16 anymore, and ive overshot it so far that im rotting. Im like Chester Benningfield, I overshot my own life and now all I am is washed-up and nothing I do will be impressive or meaningful again until Im dead.

I didn’t make it. The life I was supposed to have didn’t happen. I can’t let myself live until April or Ill be older than the whole 27 club who had their whole lives and all the success in the world while they were still young and good-looking and got to be celebrities and its worth nothing its worth less than nothing to outlive them if they lived a whole life of success and carer by my age. All the celebrities coming up are younger than me. There are people my age who have published books. Im not young anymore and ill never be young and famous ill never get to be a prodigy ill never get to be a hip young celebrity and anything I might ever accomplish gets less and less impressive with every passing day. I don’t want to do this anymore. My life is already over. All that will happen is I will get older and uglier and more and more pathetic and even if I accomplish something it will be worthless. The lady who wrote “twilight” didnt get the same press as the kid who wrote the script for “KIDS” because she was old even though she sold mor copies, she didnt go on talk shows and get told she was cute and charming and special and had accomplished something revolutionary or even unique. I failed as an actor and I failed as a singer and I failed as a student and now im failing as a writer. I feel like im just procrastinating death and the longer I put it off, the less it will mean when I die. Im so old that if I killed myself today, my death wouldnt even make News 12 like it would have if I were a teenager. Even if I make it as a writer, Ill just be some fat retard who is good at a job because that will be the minimum expected of me by then and I bet I wont even get that far.

People had whole lives and careers over at my age and will be remembered forever as hot and young and some bright star that burned out too soon and Im LESS successful that I even was at 16. All ive been my whole life is cheated and lied to and ive tried to play the game and Im not winning so I dont want to play anymore and have to watch other people win. Im not going to kill myself right now because my parents are home so I couldnt even try but I think I might kill myself soon. This world isnt fair and im not having a good time and I don’t want to keep doing this. Everything i say feels manipulative. I just wish i never existed in the first place so i wont have to die.

#suicide tw #suicide mention

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 7 years

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dont really post anymore because nobody really cares.

dont really speak much much nobody really cares.

dont really speak much because i just make people angry all the time. i dont like making people angry i only like to make people laugh or have fun or feel happy but i cant do that because im really a failure of a person.

cant handle my experiences and my life being completely burshed over and shut down and im expected to just take her ‘word for it’.

i cant trust a single fucking person in this world i cant even trust my fucking self its too much its TOO MUCH.

i wish i could just wear a giant flashing sign that said ‘thank you for being kind to me and showing love or affection but i have a huge conrete wall in front of me that i cant break through to react accordingly. i know i never used to be like this but its how i am now and its way way too hard to get past it’

i understand that i am not meant to be happy. i understand that fully.

i understand that i am lazy and my suffering is all my own fault for being a lazy, unmotivated coward. i understand all of that i get it.

NOBODY wants to believe me and NOBODY wants to think that i really truly think all of these things. its easier to be angry i suppose. easier to be angry at me and thats fair nobody owes me anything at all.

i have started to do it again and i dont exactly know why but im happy i am. i can really truly understand how worthless and aggrrivating i am to everyone all the time. maybe i say funny things every so often but how does that make me worth anything? i dont think it does. I hear every week my family talking about me and how difficult and awful i am to deal with and its just a choice that ive made to be like this. i understand that is all my fault, i do, i never blame anyone else for how i am. its all me, im a dysfunctional wreck of a human and i do deserve to be dead. ive deserved that for years and years yet i selfishly still keep myself here out of, yet again, fucking FEAR.

i know im a bad person. i know i am I KNOW THIS. i know i dont deserve many of the things i have or have had in the past I KNOW. im ugly i know. i dont have muscles, i know. im not tall and nicely set i KNOW.

sometimes i think maybe i feel like i wouldve been better as a girl, but then again i dont know if any of that is real or just me trying to find a reason for all of my shit that i feel. also i know if i ended out to be that a lot and a lot of people would HATE me so much. also if i was that i know people would turn around and treat me like a special flower when i wouldnt be.

but then i dont think i am. perhaps i am fluid in that way but my gender really doesnt mean much to me.

thats not a huge problem for me anyway. i dont care about it much.

i just dont knwo.

i dont trust anyone. i dont trust anyone at all. tahts my own fault. to trust people you have to be good enough for them to stand up for you and not hurt you.i wasnt good enough for that and i wont be good enough for that because I am a BAD PERSON. not jsut a bad person an AWFUL person who deserves every little bit of pain that i get. i try to be good, i promise i do, i really really really try. I hope people can believe me when i say i truly do have pure intentions for others and just want to make people happy but i just fuck it up all the time and nobody ever sees it that way. i can spot bad people i can spot bad ehaviour that is hurting others but nobody cares because i think it just appears as me being a bitch or manipulative. maybe i am maybe i think im doing the right thing but im just being a cunt the whole time.

i cannot imagine what its like to wake up and being able ot plan your own day out without having to worry what others will say to you or make you do or get upset an d angry about. i like to be asleep because when i am asleep i dont have to worry about my actions or descisons being the wrong ones as they always always are. every day i do many many things wrong and i cant think which one is the right thing to do because i cant come up with it. if i lay down on my bed all day i am a bad person because i am lazy. if i go out alone it is bad because i am avoiding. if i go out with my friends or bf its bad because i shoudlnt be gay and also i should do work with my time not recreation. if i apply for the wrong job it is bad, but also i dont ned to study i just need to have motivation todo something but i cant i dont know im worthless anything i do will be worthless.

what is it like to just eat when you would like to eat and sleep when you would liek to sleep and clea how and when you wuld like to clean. id ont understand and i dont think i can do it its just too much and to o foreign to me.

part of me wouldve been like ‘oh yeah all those ex friends that dogged me will see when im dead how muchthey hurt me yeah THATLL show them’ but for about a year now its just been ‘whatever. they wont care. maybe theyll even think good riddance because now i cant bitch about them anymore. its probably best for everyone i do anyway because it really truly does seem like i am the bad guy in every situation’.

nobody sitcks up for me in those situations. maybe because i pretend like i have the strength to stand up for myself so everybody else wants to remain friends with the people who hurt me. i dont knwo i dont understand but its whatever because in the grand scheme of thigns i shouldnt even be here anymore in the first place.

its logic. its the only thing that maeks sense. i should not be here and every second that passes where i still draw breath is another second that i hurt SOMEONE at least. i dont LIKE hurting people and i wish that i didnt hurt people merely by being alive but i DO and nothing can change that. whats even WORSE is that i have such strong opinions and beliefs and such an obnoxious personality that i cant seem to shake. i dont WANT those anymore. i wish i could be rid of them for good so i could have the best shot at NOT annoying people at least with it.

people are going to thin kthat all of this is just ditorted mentall illness thoughts but i dont think it is i think its all true and i think its the only 100% truth that i know without a doubt. things would be EASIER without me around. so much easier. so so so sososos so much easier. and if people hat eme thats okay because i expect that from every single person eventually. everybody gives up on me. ive given up on me so i think thats why. i am BEYOND any turning back i dont knwo what i even mean i dont even understand how to express how i dont think anything can be done for me. i dont believe anything can be done for me.

but thats okay because i am just babbling at the void because its the only time i can express anything i ever think. bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. i dont like it at all.

ad nobody needs to worry about me killing myself yet because i am far far far too scared to. my cat also would never understand and she still needs me and she loves me so much and cant understand any of this so i cant do that to her because she is extremely innocent and doesnt deserve whatever would happent o her without me. she worries and frets if im not home until late i couldnt bear the thought of leaving her forever.

#i ahte myself so much #this si so old im sorry for even posting it #nobody is expectd to read it at all and i dont think anybody will because its stupid #its not here for anyone to read anyway #its here for me to thik and realize

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