#and now i'm having a full blown identity crisis

[aro-absol]

I hate how when I come out to other people as aromantic I'm so often met with a version of "don't you think you'll find the one?" and them telling me that I should be open minded and not rule out dating completely.

Like, why do they feel like they need to tell me that? Those words just revive all my doubts that I shouldn't call myself aro and that I'm not "valid" as aromantic. Do they not understand that it took a lot of courage to tell them this personal thing about myself and that them immediately questioning what I've said won't make me feel better?!

It took me over a year of soul-searching to gain the confidence to use this word to describe myself and my experiences, and their first reaction to me letting them in on this knowledge is that I have to be wrong and that it's not okay for me to call myself that.

I literally would have been fine if they just said, "okay, cool."

I hate that aromanticism is still seen as something so negative that people's first reaction to a coming out as aromantic is to console the person coming out (by invalidating them).

#inspired by my coming out to my mom #and by talking to a guy that has a crush on me #fortunately I'm secure enough in my identity now that it doesn't send me all the way down the questioning spiral again #a couple months ago I would have had a full-blown identity crisis after such a response #luckily my first coming out to my bestie went great and she has my back now #aromantic #aro #vent #coming out #arophobia #aphobia

[mifink]

you know what? i'm not a big fan of shipping characters and last time i did that was a few years ago. i just... follow the canon. but! give me a hanriel fanfic, but with an alternative ending.

jekyll somehow survives his suicide attemp but is stuck in hydes body forever and can't do anything about this. let karma put her hands on henry's throat. let her drown him in the bathtub. put him in a situation he cannot escape anymore. he lost his life as henry jekyll but can't start a new life (the one he once planned to have) as edward hyde either. he's no longer a respectable, extremaly likeable scientist with a shitton of money, beautiful house, an impaccable reputation. he lost everything he spent his whole life on! everything that mattered to him so much! everyone hates hyde with a burning passion and now hes even a wanted criminal, a murderer. henry doesnt have any place to go anymore. he cant do anything. he cant run away from consequences of his actions anymore. he is stuck. i want to see henry with a full blown identity crisis, because even tho hes stuck in hydes body, body of someone or rather something he hates, but he doesnt feel neither like edward nor as henry. he's now a secret third thing or nothing, noone. an empty shell of these two.

now time for utterson. how would he feel when he sees hyde for the first time after reading the letters? would he be disgusted? angry? furious? would he feel some pity? how would he react? i want this man to loose his temper for once. his dearest friend lied to him, betreyed even! and now? is he even somewhere inside this awful creature? he'd like to kill hyde with his bare hands but he wouldnt want to hurt jekyll. he doesnt know what to do. he would spend hours trying to put his mind together, unsuccessfully. he still feels like he has something to do, he just doesnt know what.

i want to see them trying to build a new relationship, a very complicated relationship. they only have themselves now.

#jekyll and hyde #gothic literature #the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde #gothic lit #edward hyde #henry jekyll #gabriel utterson #gabriel john utterson #henriel #hydeseek #jekson

[gloomy-prince]

im like panicking right now because i was born a girl and in 7th grade i went through a "i think im a boy phase" my parents found out and they were like "nuh uh" and now im too scared to face my true feelings and i dont know if im a boy or a girl and im having a full blown identity crisis at the ripe age of 19. is there anything i can do because your the only person i can trust with this (i live in a shithole town like derry)

If it makes you feel any better, that's around the same age I started having the same thoughts (right after high school I mean, not 7th grade). It took a while for me to really figure it out, and even then my feelings are still complicated. It's difficult for me to guide exactly how to proceed since I think, for me at least, a lot of the process was just... time, having time to think about things. But something you might be able to do just by yourself is to go out and try some different clothes, not even buying anything, just going to a dressing room and seeing how it makes you feel if you are able to go to a clothing store alone.

Unless you already know that your parents are full blown transphobes, I'd try to subtly gauge their feelings on the matter as well. I used to do that, and still do honestly. A lot of people can have a knee-jerk "you're too young" reaction, and it's obviously not a great response; people can have a knee-jerk reaction regardless and then later come to terms with it, so I'm really hoping for you that that's the case and they might have changed their minds now that you are older or at least be more open to it... but if you don't feel safe or already know that they won't then please don't, you certainly know your situation better than I do. I'm hoping for the best for you and that you will be able to figure it out with time, and have people around you accept you, or find new people who will.

#gloomy asks

[lugwen]

hermitcraft AU where the hermits are their personas but also just people at their PCs playing a block game together. they rarely see each other or even keep their identity a secret (like etho'd do). i'm talking about an AU, not about the actual CCs, keep that in mind please! :]

i think this could make an awesome AU with some funny or cute moments (and it has great angst potential imo)

maybe someone's had a rough day and their bestie will try to comfort them via call and in the end they are both going to sleep with a shallow feeling in their hearts cause they cant hug the other one when they both desperately needed to

boat boys getting assigned soulmates and are now texting really awkward DMs; etho seeking help from bdubs on how to talk to joel

once a week there's a server-meeting on discord in vc #WEEKY-MEETINGS but 2 specific ppl forgot about it and are heavily flirting talking in vc #SMALLTALK and forgot the time so everyone has to move to vc #SMALLTALK and the two specific ppl have to explain themselves

tango spamming in jimmys DMs with how sorry he is that he got them both killed in LL EP1 and being super apologetic

someone can have a full blown identity crisis cause they feel like they're never showing the other hermits their true self; they've been playing this upbeat character for so long that they dont even know who they are when they log off

one of them has a power outage for a week and the others are scared something has happened and they go nuts and play sherlock; trying to find out their address or family members to check on them

mumbo falling asleep while logged on but he isnt muted

two of them chill in the same spot on a boat in the middle of the ocean for 9 IRL hours and are just fishing with a mending fishing rod; their inventories are already full; they keep telling each other that they want to catch a good book or something but they're both using it as an excuse to keep spending time with the other

the americans logging on just to tell the europeans to go to sleep

#i could keep rambling about this forever #if u have any other scenarios in ur head PLEASE leave them in the notes #hermitcraft AU #hermitcraft #ethoslab #mine

[gayintents]

i'm having a full blown life and identity crisis right now, anyone know how to stop panicking about life??

[mirrorofliterature]

I have another coco canon divergence idea that I've been mulling on recently

it's victoria being pulled into a mystery, but this time whilst she's alive.

so essentially the plot is:

- Victoria wants to upskill her designing skills for shoemaking as her abuela is now in her mid-60s and should be retiring, but won't. Also, fashion has evolved since the 1920s.

- So she (in her early-mid 20s) decides to upskill by going to a technical school in Mexico City for shoemaking/design, that kind of thing. I want to research this to make it accurate, if I was to go full blown on this.

- Anyway. It's a year course and her family by now has the money necessary to send her (again, need to check the realities of this kind of technical training in 1960s Mexico) and she has an apartment in Mexico City.

- This technical school happens to also offer music courses.

- She shares her apartment with fellow students, one who happens to be a music student

- Unlike Elena, who absolutely virulently loathes music, Victoria has always struck me as someone who is, at best, apathetic towards music, so she's fine with musicians, she just doesn't listen to music out of respect to her abuela and mama.

- So she's fine with the music student

- Also there's a lesbian subplot because yes. With who? Idk.

- ANYWAY so this music student has this side hobby via Ernesto de la Cruz and is trying to get information on his early career and is trying to figure out who his early touring partner was.

- Which is her new roommate's dead abuelo, but they both have no idea.

- Anyway, Victoria is like: 'oh, my name is Victoria Rivera [Julio's last name] and I'm from Santa Cecilia'

- the MS (music student): 'oh cool anyone in your family know ernesto de la cruz?'

- victoria: 'no my abuela hates music and ernesto.'

- MS: 'hm. anyway did you say your maternal last name was rivera because crazy thing, there's this obscure travelling partner ernesto had known only as 'h rivera'. heard of him'?

- victoria, curiosity piqued: 'sure I'll ask'

- Victoria asks her tios about this not her abuela or mama she's not cruel. Her tios reluctantly admit that yes, her abuela's husband did travel with and disappear on a tour with ernesto de la Cruz in 1921 and yes, they were childhood best friends

- music student, upon learning this: interesting

anyway it then divulges into this mystery where they puzzle out that héctor was the real musician (writer) this whole time and that he kind of died in late 1921 and isn't it like. highly suspicious that ernesto went on to use héctor's songs as his own + without telling his family that he was, y'know, dead???

victoria has an identity crisis and kisses a pretty lady.

Imelda and coco are eventually told and coco is like. fuck me that's tragic but it makes a shitload more sense then héctor just ditching us and an embittered imelda is like. yeah. wish ernesto was still around so I could murder him but I'll settle for suing his estate for plagiarism :).

when imelda dies, she's already had héctor's picture up for a few years (because #regret and #love of my life) but doesn't expect anything from it because y'know héctor has been dead decades and probably moved on by now and it's all her fault for assuming the worst.

and it's not like sunshine and rainbows when héctor and imelda reunite but it's a whole lot better than canon and héctor is like: it was very strange 1) having people recognise that I wrote ernesto's songs and 2) learning that he murdered me thanks to the granddaughter I didn't know I had??? also I love you but like. very hurt that you thought the worst of me for so long.

and imelda is like: that's fair and they heal and shit.

and maybe thanks to imelda's lawsuit money, victoria gets proper treatment for her cancer and lives a long gay life.

okay. that was a lot more words than expected. sleeping now.

#coco pixar #canon divergence #victoria rivera #tia victoria #hector rivera #imelda rivera #fic idea #rambles

[sollattes]

Some poly todoroki faction heacanons<3

-First off tsuji and Shiba were dating way before todoroki entered their lives

-it was a love at first punch(or kick?)

-when todoroki was realising his feeling for the two, MY GUY WAS HAVING AN IDENTITY AND SEXUAL CRISIS AT THE SAME TIME(a very very angsty part of dororki's life) so he avoided them :)

-they're confession towards each other was... interesting

-it was a frustrated and confused confession like I mean shouting at each other in the rain for dramatics (unfortunately, no, their confession did not happen in the rain 😔)

-there confession happened after a fight, so all three of them were tired, on edge, and the tensions were high

-todoroki was about to leave after silently making sure the two was okay but he was stopped by tsuji was the one who was fed up and asked todoroki what was his problem after a 3 week long of avoiding them, Shiba wanted to stop his boyfriend but ended up just letting him be since he too was confused and frustrated on why the hell their captain was avoiding them, they were supposed to be a team right? He can't just leave them after proving how loyal they were to him, No. Absolutely not

-todoroki was going to ignore all the words that tsuji was shouting, he didn't have the energy to confront them yet, not now, not here, but one sentence made him stop on his tracks

"You really are a coward yosuke"

-it was the first time that either tsuji or Shiba called him by his first name...

-okay moving on ! We'll leave it at that or this will turn into a full blown fic

-in the early stages the relationship todoroki was still confused and how the whole "polyamorous relationship" work, so he ended up staying up all night doing research about like it's a fucking thesis 💀

-the other two didn't really have a hard time accepting it they just kinda knew it all along I guess

-older Shiba knew way before her brother could even tell her and treated todoroki as if he were there all along

-now let's make something clear...PROTECTIVE OF EACH OTHER ASF

-Tsuji and Shiba are more outspoken about them being protective over each other and todoroki mean while todoroki is more quiet and just watching on the side ready to fight for his boyfriends

-Todoroki was always in the hospital taking care of the two when they got beaten up by ebara

-doroki also still gets nightmares from it from time to time

-though the two was pretty upset but mostly worried that doroki went to ebara all alone like what if he got beaten up instead?

-it's not like they dont believe in their boyfriend, I mean he is their captain for a reason but still he is still their boyfriend

-also just because doroki is the captain it doesn't mean that the two cannot spoil and pamper him cause im pretty sure he is the baby girl in the relationship

-TODOROKI BABY GIRL AGENDA✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

-also HAIRSTYLES

-everytime doroki would mention that he finds a hairstyle or haircolor attractive, you better believe that the other two would go to school, would the said hairstyle or haircolor

-one time, doroki absentmindedly said he finds someone with their hair slicked back attractive, and tsuji went to school with his hair slicked back even though he just had his braids yesterday

-doroki complimented shiba's ginger hair once, and it stayed ginger for a whole 7 months(which is probably the longest since I'm pretty sure these two change their hair every 3-5 months)

-they change their hair pretty often, so you can just picture doroki. It would probably help them

-NO WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE THATS JUST DOMESTIC DBWKSVEOAFNOA

-like todoroki helping Shiba color the places he can't reach then helping tsuji braid his hair while waiting for Shiba's hair then helping Shiba wash the color out then drying his hair(HROWHDORWP THEY R SO WTAF I DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE)

-now music, tsuji and Shiba probably listens to like a lot of hip hop/rock or indie rock music while doroki is just plain by listening to opera and classical music

-MANDATORY WEEKLY DATES AT THE MUSIC SHOP

-while, the two are banging their head to nirvana. doroki is listening to the waltz of the flowers

-Shiba is always the one accompanying doroki to the book store, he always enjoys the way doroki lights up every time he sees the book he wanted to buy still there and on sale, and its worth the thousands of yawn that Shiba made since they stepped into the store

-all if three of them have things in each other houses so, ever so randomly, tsuji might just show up in of todoroki or shiba's jacket and vice versa

-tsuji and Shiba purposely hides todoroki's things so he can use theirs ;

Exhibit a:

-them hiding todoroki's body wash so he can use theirs and smell like them

Exhibit b:

-them not washing doroki's spare clothes claiming that they 'forgot' to wash them to see todoroki in their clothes

-the list goes on, and todoroki just pretends to not know since he secretly enjoys it too

-todoroki has a 12 step skin care every Friday night and the two always sleeps through it

-weekend movie nights are a must !!

-todoroki (will always)prefers mystery thriller horror movies than gory the ones, and is secretly a sucker fantasy adventure movies(primarily lord of the rings and Harry Potter, his gay awakening is legolas and Bill weasley), and ofc he made tsuji and Shiba binge watch the whole hp and lotr franchise

-tsuji is kinda stereotypical he likes action but prefers it to be action comedy, and he is the one that prefers gory horror movies, todo and Shiba always lowkey dread every time it's tsuji turn to pick a movie since one time he made them watch the whole saw franchise in one straight weekend and Shiba cried in the bathroom

-SHIBA IS THE ROMCOM CHICK FLICK LOVER. He made todo and tsuji watch all the Amanda bynes and linsey lohan movies( todo secretly likes she's the man but will never tell a single soul)

-the three of them of them watched twilight for shits and giggles but lowkey got into it, tsuji is team edward and shiba is team jacob, todo is neutral and hates Bella and her stupidity so much that he almost lost his calm, disinterested composure

-todo already watched Hunger Games, but still he watched it with the two, and now he can't stop them from doing them. "I VOLUNTEER, I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" joke

(lowkey wanna to make a separate hcs for these three movie nights)

-todoroki is like lowkey rich so he is the one that sponsors the two's hair adventure and hospital bills

-shiba knows all of the sannoh gossip and always has a late night gossip session with his boyfriend

-shiba is the biggest out three, so he always loves to be the big spoon, though from time to time, tsuji would always force(lovingly) him to be the small spoon

#high and low #high and low the worst #todoroki yosuke #tsuji #shibaman #todoroki faction #my beloved poly boys 🫶🏻 #high and low the worst cross #high and low fic #forever poly todoroki faction truther✊🏻✊🏻

[genderdisaster]

Who am I? A meditation on identity, gender, presentation, and bad cooking metaphors.

"Who are you?"

It's a long story. Frankly, I don't know. And that's ok. "Who am I?" is the question that I have asked myself more than ever in the past six months. After the initial euphoria, triumph, anxiety, and elation of starting HRT, I began to reexamine myself and my identity. I was crafting a new version of myself based on what felt the most authentic for me, and I needed to understand what felt most real. I was starving, and that first dose of Estrogen felt like sitting down at a massive banquet. I only needed to decide what to try first.

"Hey, what's good here?"

I've always had some problem with identity. Most of my life, with some small exceptions, I've made an effort to blend in and appear as unobtrusive as possible. Masculine enough to not draw attention or be singled out, but also neutral enough to remain non-threatening. At the core, I didn't have a clear sense of identity that felt in-line with how I really resonated deep inside. To some degree, I still don’t. Instead, I had a sense that I needed to portray quiet competence and self-assuredness in relation to the rigid structures of masculinity--as if any sign of compensation or questioning would betray just how clueless and out of place I really was. An impostor. I based my identity on interests or passions, never on a simple state of being. A male identity? No more than the thing I'd study to fit in when shared interests couldn't bridge the conversational gap. No more than another hobby, and one I didn't particularly even enjoy. But now I stumbled onto something new, and with it a new sense of self; where would I begin to develop this new, embodied, genuine identity?

"Everything is good here. Just try something and see if you like it!"

That didn't feel right. A lifetime of all-or-nothing thinking meant that I was seeking an objective "truth" about what identity should look like. I had made it over thirty years into life, dammit. I should know this by now!

Little did I know, I started to become embroiled in a full-blown identity crisis. I was shifting from a repressed, quietly desperate life of self-loathing and feeling deeply uncomfortable in the body I was born into, into a slowly changing body that every day grew more aligned with my inner state. More like home. But what kind of home?

"I'll have what she's having, then."

I've been fortunate to find myself in several different trans and gender-diverse groups of wonderful people throughout my life. Many friends, loved ones, trained professionals, and kind strangers helped to take this ignorant and denial-ridden egg and gently pry the first pieces of shell away from my tough outer-exterior. Still, I found myself looking at all of the new possibilities in front of me with a sense of overwhelm.

Am I a trans woman? I certainly don't prefer masculinity. But do I identify with binary femininity? Not totally that either. Demasculinization remained my primary goal for early transition, and every small sign of dropping Testosterone was a tiny victory over the weird guy who used to inhabit this body. I still cared for and loved him, but he never wanted to be in running things in the first place; now he didn't have to. We 86'd masculinity, Estrogen was on expo, but who was keeping it all in line?

"Take what you want, leave what you don't. Here's your salad fork."

I soon began to struggle with the ongoing need to remind myself of some basic concepts on a constant basis. Things like "It's ok to try things out and see if you like them or not!" and "You don't need to have it all figured out yet! The right people will accept you regardless!" became regular mantras that I repeated throughout the day. Like it or not, I started to re-live my awkward teenage years of trying out aspects of identity and personality to see what felt right, but in a less-traumatized, more mindful, and (most importantly) more self-compassionate mental state. I'm still doing that, and will be for some time to come. I "figured out" the recipe for masculinity by adulthood, more or less by following an easily repeatable formula that was bland, yet filling, and sticking to it at the expense of my own humanity. This new, undetermined third thing that I am creeping towards? That recipe is yet to be written, and it's all up to me. Each ingredient represents an aspect, a quality, another little piece of presentation and joy that feels right when seeing the person staring back at me in the mirror, or feeling myself living my life in my body. I relish the thought of working on the "me" that will be totally present and there for myself and others--all the while, folding in enough feminine energy to build a strong base, and allowing a sprinkle of masculinity as garnish in his own special way. A delicate balance with no flavor overpowering the other.

Luckily, I'm a damn good cook. At least I hope I am.

#gender #lgbtq #blogging #nonbinary #trans #transgender #enby #trans hrt #transitioning #trans experience #trans joy

[angeart]

:o full blown fic / oneshot / thing? I will eagerly but patiently await that ❤️ real life first tho, do hope things get less hectic for you soon! (also I'm not brave enough to non-anon but I would absolutely let you two ramble at me about hhau literally all day)��

mhm mhm! hopefully yes!! thank you for your eager patience and kind words <33

we're insane about hhau and very happy to be enabled. whenever i have more energy, i need to work on compiling the rest of those promised general mimic arc rambles. there are two more main bits of that to come out!

besides that... have i talked about our little mimic's identity crisis yet? and about his name? and and— did you know scar's vex wings got hurt and are now tattered? (that last bit is completely unrelated to the mimic arc; it happens early on in this world, shortly after scar and grian find each other)

aLSO! that all aside. i see that little emoji at the end. 👀 i see what you're doing. ok. ok you are now named. you're the ribbon anon <3

#ange answers #ribbon anon #this is fun

[midnightsandhh]

I'm having a full blown identity crisis wtf do I do now. Do I keep claiming cabin 7 even though I have pots and can't go in the heat?? Or do I rewire my brain for hypnos cabin??

[messymind-okaylife]

Starting a new game where they ask for your name and now I'm having a full-blown identity crisis

#send help

[troglobite]

hm

well. nothing like having a full-blown identity crisis to help destabilize you further during a time when you're going to be completely fucking stressed out chasing down answers to all this health shit. lol

ANYWAY

so unmasking autism the book gave me the beginnings of a legitimate full-blown identity crisis. and then considering taking an online independent poetry class taught by a prof that i've worked w before & like triggered the rest of it.

and i've really just spent the rest of the week in fucking shambles. having really bad brain days. just falling apart. and then i woke up today already having an anxiety attack (my dreams were completely fine, so it wasn't even that) and then i've just felt. bad. all day.

and now after talking to my mom abt it for 2 hrs and just thinking out loud abt everything that's been eating me alive all week.

well. my neck and shoulders and jaw are incredibly tense. i have a headache. i cried a bit, which used up several of the tissues that we have left in the house (which isn't many--we urgently need more). i'm gonna have to take some aleve. and i'm tired and overwhelmed.

but also. i, for once in my life, actually felt the weight lift a bit after talking about it.

idk that that's. ever happened. usually it's something that i'm mad abt that happened to me or around me. and i'm just complaining or venting right.

but this was like.

legitimately it was eating away at me. and it was like. idk i couldn't figure out why. i was just like "i can't fucking deal w this rn" but then i just had to. i felt so bad talking to my mom. and i was being hyper critical of everything i'm doing rn, which is what i do when i'm Bad Brain.

i've been working on the next session for my miss frizzle game which is happening this sunday. and i had to make a sort of city layout map. and i just. felt so insecure and angry and frustrated abt it. and it felt like that opinion of it was validated. it's. not very good.

but i just kept berating myself abt it.

and it led into me talking abt this shit that's been eating me alive all week.

and finally saying it out loud...helped. and like i started talking abt it w my therapist today. but we have 50 mins and i had to catch her up on everything and i hadn't like properly sorted through it.

so it feels sort of like i just did.

nothing is fixed but at least it. makes more sense.

i'm basically having to start from the ground up, figuring out who i even am as a person, what i like, what i enjoy, what i value, all of it. bc all this time i thought i knew. and i didn't.

and i'm also realizing i do have. an "addictive" personality and that i've probably been right to avoid All Substances including caffeine. bc the thing i realized is that i've shaped my entirely life in pursuit of external validation at the expense of....p much everything else. i chose the path of least resistance in that direction, but i still chose it bc of external validation.

and it's just. so deeply upsetting and unsettling to realize everything i've done or decided or said i liked or pursued--was bc of external validation.

and to realize idk how to form internal opinions and emotions and experiences. idk how to recognize something that i actually enjoy, unless it's something that i unmistakably enjoy--like if there's physical evidence of how i'm feeling (e.g., crying and being unable to stop smiling or talking abt it after seeing hamlet in a theater for the first time).

otherwise? i have no idea how i feel abt most anything. i have phobias and aversions. i have comfort items and things and sensory preferences.

aaaaand........that's all i actually know abt myself, anymore.

and that's terrifying as a person who craves control and knowledge and stability to be able to operate in this world.

so yeah no wonder i've felt broken and fucked up all week.

no wonder, even though the weight has been lifted, i don't feel great right now.

and it's just like....why did i need to be given this project in addition to all of my health stuff?

and i'm also frustrated, bc if the pandemic had never happened, i would be teaching rn and not questioning anything bc that's the path i set myself on for whatever pile of reasons i had.

and tbh i probably wouldn't be experiencing half of the health problems i have, bc they're triggered by stress, and my BIGGEST source of stress is from the pandemic, which is more stress than i can knowingly remember.

so i'm just. really tired and beaten down and now i'm not even an "i" i literally don't know who i am anymore.

and not like the run of the mill "what am i doing in life" but quite literally looking back at 28 years and going

"jesus fucking christ. what have i missed out on bc i avoided things i wasn't immediately good at and didn't immediately get external validation abt? what things did i sacrifice or ignore in myself for the sake of pleasing ppl and making them like and praise me? what things do i actually enjoy? what do i ACTUALLY want to do with my life? who even am i? what are my values?"

what even is my personality?

anyway i need to not rehash this bc i'll get a little worked up again.

but it did. feel. good ???????? i genuinely don't know. to just. finally figure that out. what was eating at me. what was really unsettling me.

and that has left me with a million more concerns and questions and v few answers at all. but at least i have somewhere to pick up from w my therapist next friday.

okay i'm gonna use my neck/shoulder massager and try and get ready for bed. gotta run through my game tomorrow w my mom to make sure i'm prepared for sunday and everything makes sense. gotta print out all of my notes and stat blocks etc. got various things to do.

//sigh. okay.

[sits back and sighs]

just thought of another realization

i chose all three of my names sort of bc of other people.

i mean. shakespeare and being mexican are also important to me, so there's that.

but now i'm wondering if i struggled to choose my first name (which i'm still perfectly //shrug. happy with ? i have no strong opinion i don't think? i did cry when someone first used it for me i think though) is bc i literally just don't even have a sense of who i am as a person at all. lol

ANYWAY.

i'd really like to be done with these earth-shattering revelations that completely uproot everything i think i know abt my self and my world and my life.

being a lesbian, being genderqueer, being autistic, being disabled--and now not even knowing who i am as a person.

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

[purplehoodiesimon]

Pink and yellow please, sweets.

Yellow: Tell us about something that makes you nervous or feel cautious. Why do you think that is? 

Shuffling through all my anxieties like they're tarot cards to decide which one to talk about lol. I guess uh, the one I've mentioned the most recently here is agoraphobia so I'll talk about that one.

The further I get away from perceived safe spaces, the more nervous and anxious I get. The main safe space is my house, and when I'm away from it, I get anxious, period. Full stop. If I'm not at my house, I am experiencing some level of anxiety. When I'm away from my house, my safe space is either my transportation or the location I'm traveling to. For instance, right now as I type this I'm hanging out the parking lot where my dad works downtown. I've got a good handle on my anxiety, because I'm in my dad's car. If I got out and walked to the other end of the parking lot though, my anxiety would spike more and more the further I got away from the car. When my friend comes to pick me up in like 40 minutes though, my safe space will become their car. I'm pretty okay in town now, I don't really get anxious in town unless I'm walking or have to deal with other anxiety on top of it, and the radius of how far I can travel from my house without breaking down is about 2 hours/100 miles. And the reason for why on all this is a fun combination of already having server anxiety for a few years that laid the groundwork for agoraphobia (home being the safe space I would escape from school to when having panic attacks), and then the pandemic just kicked it into gear. My therapist says most people experienced some minor feelings of it when the pandemic started, the whole "outside world not safe" thing, and I just already had so much anxiety that it just turned into full blown agoraphobia for me. So yea, fun insight into my psyche for y'all.

Pink: You’re gay/queer? (come on all of my followers are right?!) How did you know? What helps you feel seen, supported, and validated in your gender and sexual identities? Share with us.

Oh god I have the funniest queer realization story. Sadly it was not POTC that made me realize I'm bi, though it definitely helped the crisis. It was Voltron for me. Spoilers for Voltron s1 I guess? Though it's been like 6 years. Basically back when it came out, my friend watched it and got obsessed, so she made me watch it and I got obsessed and immediately right off the bat ep1 I texted her like, "Bro I have a crush on Pidge, he's so cute." And um. About 4 episodes later I think it is? This character Pidge is revealed to be a girl disguised as a boy. I will say the whole gender thing is a bit nonbinary coded about Pidge and I've generally used they/them for this character in the past because it's common in the fandom and they're barely referred to with pronouns at all in canon despite this show dragging on for 8 seasons. But yea basically anyways I had a total panic because I was like, gone for Pidge. Little 13 year old me saw a cute boy with fluffy hair and glasses and said 'i want that one' and then I had no idea how to handle it when said cute boy with fluffy hair and glasses turned out to not be a boy. 4-6 months of crisis later, I'd found the term bisexual and was like "that's me." And then I was pansexual. And then back to bi. And then queer. And now I just kinda use all 3 interchangeably, as well as just using the general gay. Because after having the nonbinary crisis and realization, I had to reevaluate like everything and eventually was just like "fuck it I'm gay for girls and guys. It's queer no matter what when you date me so I'm just gay for everyone."

As for what makes me feel seen, other queer people in general, honestly. On TV, irl, wherever. Just existing and seeing other queer people makes me feel seen.

Squiggy made a rainbow asks game and I think it's fun

#asks

[birthclod]

hi this is ur mutual bee. i started reading tales of electropolis because of you and now my life is in shambles. i stg bob sparker was practically written for me and now i'm having a full-blown identity crisis and i have no idea which direction it's going to go in. this is all ur fault /pos

#MY IMPACT.... #talk to the cookie #anonymous #im really glad youre enjoying it so far tho <3

[mikurulucky]

I feel like it only Started sinking in JUST this year that I'm not straight. Now, it's like I'm having a full blown identity crisis. Like, just HOW attracted am I to both sexes anyway?