#and she was out for like half of april and consistently takes half days and im so fucking tired

[grapejuicestyless]

i have had this idea for so long, but i really think you could do this justice. sort of like the film the holiday!!! but not really set in Christmas and more so through the seasons. harry moves out of the city (doesn’t need to be a singer and could just be a CEO) into a small village in a lovely cottage where all of the furniture is mismatched and there’s sash windows which are always open. He’s there for a few months before he starts to feel lonely so decides to bring in a lodger! He hand makes posters and puts them on the village hall board and … he finally gets a taker! It’s a quirky girl who is totally all over the place and she moves in .. the seasons change and so does their relationship.. friends to lovers OR ACTUALLY maybe it could be so interesting for it to be enemies to lovers! That could be fun to write. But idk I’ve been thinking about it for so long !!! They could organise a dinner party for friends one night or maybe Harry goes away to the city for a meeting and that’s where y/n realises how much she misses him / likes him. Definitely has to be fluffy but also needs to have some drama. I haven’t figured that out yet 😭😭😭 I’m so sorry for this really long rambly post but I wanted to give u as much of my brain as possible lol. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see what you would do with this / if it’s something you’re even interested in. Have a gorgeous evening / day / morning xxx love you!!💖💖💖💖💖

Bad People

Harry Styles x fem!reader

Summery: Harry and Y/n met by pure luck. Sharing secrets and laughing like little kids, ribs and cheeks hurting. Y/n is sure Harry is destined to be in her life forever. She’s just not sure when that became a bad thing.

FLANGST/FRIENDS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS

The pale blue sky looked gray from certain windows. The glass was cracked and the stove stained with boiled over soup broth and old sprinklings of spices.

The birds sang solemnly, humming the tune to what I believed sounded like something you’d hear at a funeral. Here, the pavement was cracked and the stars were consistently covered with clouds. Snow, more often than not, fell heavily. From October to April. The nearby ocean nearly always too cold to swim in. The backyard pool cold and clean, still with nobody to inhabit it.

All the beauty ripped from the earth, and replaced with another kind of it. I wouldn’t mind it half as much, if I had someone to enjoy the snow with. To enjoy the polar plunges, the visible breath and numb fingers.

Like old times sake, snowmen and snowball fights. Sledding or fort making. Rosy cheeks and icy hair a memory of the past. Cheeks hurting from smiles, not the winter chill.

The laughter of my mother was long gone, and my brother outgrew his desire for a sibling as soon as he turned sixteen. Few friends, not any at least, that would enjoy the activities the white powder offered.

So now, I look out the window, nursing a glass of wine propped up on the windowsill. I don’t see the snow day ahead or pray for a white Christmas. I pray that one day, I’ll find someone to enjoy it with me. To soothe the pain little eight year old me suffered with the absence of her father, her distant mother and her selfish brother.

“Looking at it won’t make it fall any faster, Y/n.” The puff of air coming from my nose fogs up to cool glass, and my fingers leave prints along the center.

He’s not looking at me, he rarely does when we aren’t fighting. It’s like I disgust him. I feel like a fool every god damn time.

“Have you always naturally been an asshole or did you grow into it?” I don’t look at him, but I feel his gaze settle on my reflection in the glass. His voice alone urges me to take a large drink from the wine glass. The ruby red staining my top lip. I spread it around and taste the bitterness of it on my tongue.

He begins to leave, almost succeeding without a passing glance, but biting his tongue is something Harry nor I have ever been able to do. So it’s natural how he goes for the last word.

“Theres only so much wine, Y/n.” He teases. I down the rest while he walks away. The sigh that leaves my mouth after I feel the ghost of him leaving me isn’t only for air, but because suddenly the room feels lighter.

It’s funny, how someone so special can leave such a disgusting taste in your mouth. Hatred doesn’t just happen. It creeps, seeps, saturates. It’s a pesky little thing that starts small until finally you can’t ignore how bothered you are. It’s vile and cruel. A poisonous little thing that no one is immune to. It’s a sad yet funny thing. To remember that it wasn’t always like this. I didn’t always hate my old friend, bounded to me through the home we share. I once enjoyed the company of Harry styles.

It was nearly a year since I’d moved in. A year since the slow turned to thick ice and roads became bare with people too afraid to try and navigate through the harsh winter.

Nearly a year since I first saw the house at the end of the road, with a neat front lawn and a tree with hanging branches ready to snap.

A red scarf and red mittens is what I wore. With a faded brown coat and worn blue jeans. A hat on top of my head and a journal tucked underneath my arm. He had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. The stars in the night sky didn’t quite shine as bright as his eyes, I swore it to myself.

He had an english accent, one that I wasn’t familiar with. Peach fuzz and dark chocolate curls a mess on his head. When I told him my job, he laughed, but something about his shocked expression after told me he didn’t mean it cruelly. Rather, that he was shocked, or just piecing the puzzle together.

“I’m my mother’s daughter.” I told him, “She always had a thing for poetry. The sappy ones with the tragic endings. I got it from her and I’m damn good at it.” I smiled at him then, and he smiled back bigger.

“It’s just funny. Moving somewhere so quiet for a job all about fantasy and adventure.” He explained, already guiding the two of us through the wide doorway. I set my boots in the old entryway which it seemed he had turned into a mud room. I admired the shade of green on the wall and nodded along. My cheeks hurt from smiling.

That night, while settling into my new space, I shared with him my life. My goals and dreams. With his toothy smile and boyish eyes, he made it so easy to trust him. I sat on my newly made bed and he sat in my spinning chair by my desk. Moving it back and forth, swaying slowly. A cigarette started dangling from his pocket, I still remember the way he took it between his thumb and his index finger. Rolling it around, debating whether or not to light it. It was like he didn’t know he had it.

“I didn’t take you for a smoker.” I laughed at him, he laughed back. Shy almost, only looking at me for a moment.

“M’not. A few here and there. Helps to wind down.” When he ran his hand through his hair, I remember seeing all his rings. A rose and two with his initials. One looked like a lion. That one was my favorite.

Other than his charming smile and infectious laughter, I knew nothing of him, I had come to realize. Here he was, knowing about my family and friends. My job and my hobbies. All I had asked him was his name.

When I asked him, he was just as talkative as I was. A sparkle in his eyes when he talked about his job. I remember specifically, how they lit up extra bright when he mentioned his mother, Anne, and his older sister, Gemma. I learned about his job too. Harry had everything he could ever truly want. The money, the power, the glory. His office at the top floor overlooking the bustling city that never sleeps. Families dancing around the square and traffic backed up into the city line.

The sad thing was, that even with all this pride he got to carry with his reputation, the city was no home to him. The summer held no comfort. Not the same now that he was long out of school. The heat was simply uncomfortable. His lavish suit sticking to his skin. Even the air conditioner couldn’t soothe the pounding of his head against the strong New York heat.

His nose stung in the summer. The warmer it got, the worse it smelled. Garbage littering the streets no longer covered by thick snow. Tourists and their children filling up all his favorite places of relaxation. Each carrying their own scent from home. The calming pine from the North or the tangy citrus of the west coast.

Harry felt no true love for his home anymore. No real attachment. There was no smell of home, and there certainly wasn’t any old faces with their gravelly voices and thick accents. If it weren’t for the business there, he would’ve fled somewhere else long ago. Somewhere quieter. Somewhere that felt like home. If he could, he would have tucked himself back into the small home his mother raised him and his sister in. He would’ve curled up happily in his twin bed and looked out the same crooked window each night and feel happy with only that.

He tells me that when he got in the car waiting for him at the airport, he was tempted to tell the driver to take him home, to see if it would make him smile. He’d seen the gag used in all the old rom-coms he and his mother used to watch. The short blonde running from the love of her life only to be led back into his arms. But Harry know’s better. He tells me so. So when the driver asks him where to, he tells him the address.

He told me about his work life. How there was a branch out in the UK. The one that started it all. And as his success grew, so did his aspirations and his needs. London no longer provided him with the luxury and opportunity that New York could. So he swapped out his office for a penthouse and acted like the smell of burning garbage and mysterious wet spots on the sidewalks didn’t bother him.

It’s a vicious cycle. To outgrow, to long for, to move, to hate all over again. Thats how he decided that London has just what he needed. His business within reach and smaller towns surrounding its borders.

“And what about now? Are you happy?” Harry crinkled his eyes then, smiling a nodding along. He didn’t even mind it then, when I would interrupt. In fact, he welcomed it. Claimed he loved hearing me talk.

I agreed with him when he said that the grass is greener down here. The stars are just that much brighter and theres not a single car honking their horn past nine. All things that left him feeling a whole lot calmer than the chaos of the city.

Here, Harry told me he didn’t mind not living in a lavish penthouse just a few blocks away from his work. Here, he was hours away from the city. He stays in a medium sized cape cod styled house, pre-decorated from the past owners who didn’t care to take their things when they left for something bigger. It sticks out from the rest of the homes nearby. He wonders how something so different ended up within the same area. And he smiled and sat on the floor when I laughed and told him he’d already lived quite the life for a nearly-thirty year old man.

When silence took over after over an hour long conversation, I bit at my nails and looked at the floor. Suddenly, it came to me.

“Harry?” I had asked. He hummed, looking at me. Even if I hadn’t looked back, I could still feel his eyes on mine. “What made you want a roommate?” When my eyes flickered up to his, I saw no hate, or disgust, or shame. Nothing that I am familiar with now in Harry’s eyes. I saw curiosity, warmth and happiness.

“I like the quiet. I like being able to sleep without someone yelling down the hallway. I like how green it is over here.” I nodded, waiting for him to continue. “But the quiet get’s lonely. And while I like the quiet, I hate being alone.” And it made me smile back then. Maybe it still does thinking about it know. He had been helping me in finding a home, some place warm to stay. Meanwhile, I had been able to give back. Give him what he wanted. At the time, my heart warmed.

For a long time after that, Harry made my heart beat fiercely. He brought me flowers and made us pancakes. Freshly picked blueberries from the local market. He cracked jokes and I repeated them back between our broken laughter, imitating his english accent.

He was a charming man, with an energy that invited and kept you drawn to him. Everyone wanted to be around Harry. The men and the women. Always wanting a piece of the pie. I felt rich in life, that while others had to work for a lifelong friendship with him, naturally, we fit together. We worked.

He entered my life by some kind of coincidence. I needed a place to stay and he was offering a room up.

When he brushed his thumb over my knuckles and kissed the skin, I believed we would be like this forever. Just the two of us.

When he whispered to me that he loved me that same night, I thought it was something he would never take back. Something that would never change. His warm breath and glistening eyes. He was red and shiny. A bottle of the cheap champagne sat on the table and an empty glass beside him. I let his lips trail around my hand and laugh at his antics.

“Harry.” I mumbled into the darkness, he doesn’t move. I silently giggle again after he puffs air out of his own nose onto my hand playfully. His shoulders shake with his own fits of laughter, “Harry.” I call out again, and my eyes are met with his dazzling emerald ones. I almost got lost, forgot how to talk looking at him.

My palms were sweaty with nervousness then. My heart beating out of my chest. I wanted more than anything to tell him everything. As a poet, it should have been easy to put my thoughts out in the open air. But they hadn’t sat within me for long enough to curate a straight forward answer.

How would I even manage to start on how beautiful I thought his brown hair was? Perfectly colored like milk chocolate treats that curled over his forehead. Or his toothy grin which pulled butterflies from the pit of my stomach and made me feel lighter? I couldn’t find just one thing to focus on. And the words that came out of my mouth tumbled out quickly.

“You’re my best friend.” I hoped that he would’ve been able to see how much love I held for him in my face. How even in the dim lighting of only the fireplace and the fading lamp in the corner, he could see how they sparkled just for him.

He pulled his hand away after that, clearing his throat and nodding. But he smiled so softly after that I didn’t see how his eyes welled up with tears. I only saw his perfectly pink lips and his rosy cheeks. For once, I wasn’t focused on his eyes, and I paid the price.

He never made pancakes for us after that night. Nor did he ever pick flowers from the fields or crack jokes until our stomachs hurt. My hand was never slotted between his and my head didn’t rest on top of his shoulders. His was colder, more distant. Quiet.

But the quiet grew old for us both. And the slipping away hurt more than anything I’d ever experienced. I was everyone else in his life. Fighting for a spot in the light so he would see me, smile at me, acknowledge me.

Part of me wondered why he never asked me to leave. To pack my bags and find another innocent man to love because he wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. But he never did. Harry hated being alone and I knew better than anyone else. I knew it because I was his best friend at some point. We shared the same breaths and drank from the same glasses. I wore his shirts and he used my hair clips. He kept me around not because he still wanted me, but because he still needed me. And the realization of it all hurts worse than the silence because it’s then I know that I’ve really lost him. It leaves me with the question, ‘What have I done to deserve this?’

I think back on that night when our world shifted on its axis and I go over every word that was said. I check for any signs of discomfort or anger and I find nothing. It plagues me with a new insecurity.

Maybe it wasn’t something I’d said, maybe it wasn’t something I’d done. Maybe the warmth from the champagne grew cold in his blood and the false euphoria from it all cleared from his peripheral vision and he realized that I was no longer enough. I was not what he wanted. The idea of his roommate becoming his only friend too pathetic for a man with such power.

Soon after, I stop putting up a fight. I stop fighting for a spot in his life and I stop trying to win back a man that was never mine. I figured at least if he could never be mine and I would never be his, at least I still got to see his pretty face everyday. And I could imagine that we never drifted.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost. The tears running down my cheeks are hot, burning my skin until my throat dully aches and my chest is red with flakes of nail polish and the dragging of my nails clawing at my chest.

I am sobbing, broken and tired. I dream of a life that is not as miserable. I dream of a life where I no longer doubt the things I love. Where I don’t have to question my friend’s loyalty.

He knocks on my door, leaning against it in only his flannel pants. He has tattoos that compliment his skin so well. He looks like a painting. I’m relieved to see him again. Even if it’s under these circumstances.

I wait for him to speak, even if it’s merely a mumble. Even if I cannot understand.

“Can you stop crying? I can’t sleep.” He requests. My lips part and I swear my lungs collapse within my chest. I can’t breathe and somehow I remain composed.

“Okay.” I say quietly, nodding along and trying to find his eyes. They look at the floor, and his face is contorted like it pained him to say that to me. Like it was against his will. But he doesn’t even look at me.

When he leaves, I collapse, shoulder shaking with rage, sadness, confusion instead of the contagious laughter that once rang out through the halls.

I decide then, July moon shining through the sash windows of my room that I couldn’t continue holding onto Harry. My heart still beats for him and my eyes still sparkled when his own lingered for just a moment longer on me, but I couldn’t like him.

Hatred doesn’t just happen. It creeps, seeps, saturates. It’s a pesky little thing that starts small until finally you can’t ignore how bothered you are. It’s vile and cruel. A poisonous little thing that no one is immune to. It’s a sad yet funny thing.

After that night, his selfish wishes turn to bitter comments which turn to vicious attacks at my confidence. And my resilience and devotion to silence, to ignore the cruelty of it all is worn thin. My bitten tongue is freed and I am betrayed by my own words. My own comments targeted at his deepest hurts. It’s a mutual hate between us, a mutual dislike.

We live within the same four walls, the same windows and creaky roof over our heads. We cook in the same kitchen and we sit on the same couch, but we cannot stand each other anymore. The house is no longer filled with love, and the warm heat turns to bitter cold. And yet, neither of us have the guts to leave.

We sit here, in a life thats so mean to us just because we are afraid of the loneliness that is surely to come with the other’s absence.

We are here, but we aren’t present. It makes me laugh, it makes me wonder.

Who could ever leave me? But who could stay?

The candles burned down to the floor, wax melting over the wood as the lights set a warm, homely mood for the night. The late December rush throughout the town turned to the few and far between searching for last minute supplies to ring in the new year. It’s peacefully still outside, and the dining room looks so nice I forget why the candles burn and our nicest plates are set out.

Harry insisted on having a small gathering with some of our friends to celebrate the new year before he went away for sometime for work. Being roommates, despite our lack of interest in establishing our own friendship, his friends become my friends and mine become his. It’s a fairly large group that was once two. But have now become so closely intertwined that it seems hard to differentiate who was friends with who first.

There was wine, pastas and breads. Hams and potatoes. Drinks and endless desserts. It felt nice, to have all those people we cared so deeply about chip in and help to create such a lovely meal for the few of us.

Hearing that first doorbell ring to see all of our friends stood proudly on our crooked doorstep made my heart flutter. Sarah, Mitch, Pauli, Elin, Charlotte, Nyoh. All holding various foods to add to the never ending supply on the multiple tables set in a row.

“Harry! Y/n!” The enthusiasm from our friends seemed to lighten the mood, letting the heavy feeling of heated arguments and constant anger slip down my back and into the farthest part of my brain.

It was times like these where I’d forget how to hate. How to spread anger and disgust to someone who clearly showed none of it in return in these times. Here, Harry was talkative. Always plastering on a fake smile and wave.

He was good at pretending. And while the walls of the house had seen a different story, those around us were innocent, forever unknowing of how Harry constantly belittled me, bothered me. Of how I was no better. How my tongue was sharp and my words shot to kill.

Nobody minded the difference in height of the dinning room table against the kitchen table. How one was round and the other a rectangle. Both covered by one long table cloth. Nobody minded the soft music in the background or how the light wasn’t the brightest. The soft flickers never mentioned.

We let the candles burn until they had nothing left to give, and we ate until it was bare and our stomachs hurt. Here, I never felt like I was trapped. Here, I remembered by I came to live with Harry in the first place. And I was thankful. It was times like these I couldn’t help smiling like an idiot. Cheeks sore and eyes crinkling. I would laugh at just about anything, trust anyone and agree with everything.

“When are you going to tell him?” An elbow to the ribs pulled my gaze from the end of the table, my smile dropping for only a moment at the sudden shock.

“Sorry?” I mumbled softly into Sarah’s ear. Her eyes glimmered with something mischievous, like she knew something that I didn’t. She licked her pink lips and looked briefly back to the end of the table. All the way over by the dining table, sat a few feet away and a couple inches higher, was Harry. Laughing and talking with Pauli and Elin about anything and everything. I couldn’t quite make it out over the soft chatter of Mitch and Charlotte and the clinking of forks on plates.

“Harry!” She called softly. When my eyebrows furrowed she rolled her eyes, sighing heavily.

“I don’t get it.” Forking another bite of vegetables into my mouth, I watched her fight for the right words to say. Her lips finally settling on the soft smile I knew very well.

“Don’t play dumb, Y/n. I know that look. Better than anyone. Thats how I look at Mitch.” She playfully nudged my shoulder. Did she believe that I held any romantic feelings for Harry? I couldn’t, it was impossible. Right?

His rude remarks and his mean demeanor. Sure, at one point my heart beat for the brunette with an infectious smile and shiny green eyes, but now it was a memory of the past. Another pretty face who had thrown away all of his charm and care and exchanged with unwavering cruelty.

“Oh, no. Sarah, I don’t think about him that way.” I tried to wave her off, trying to sound the least amount disgusted by her assumption. I couldn’t help but wonder why she thought that.

“I don’t believe you.” She sounded smug, crossing her hands on my thigh and giggling. “You don’t have to. I believe myself.” Brushing her off, I take another bite of any remaining scraps on my plate. Trying to avoid conversation.

“Come on, you seriously don’t see it?” She sounded exasperated now, even more so when I nodded carelessly. She was getting tired of my avoidance to the conversation, my disinterest in her false discovery. Still, the longer she pushed, the more I felt the heat rush to my face. The more my cheeks burned and my skin tingled.

“I’m serious, Sarah. I don’t look at him in anyway. He’s just my roommate. Nothing more, nothing less.” I lean back, volume brought down to a mere whisper with the dying laugher at the other end of the table.

“Well, he’s your friend at least, right?” The lump in my throat was unswallowable. With the growing tightness in my throat and the clamminess of my palms. I wanted nothing more than to slip away and pretend this never happened. So, I bite my tongue and nod, eyes flickering to Sarah while I do so. I pray that she doesn’t see the tears welling in the corners and how glossy they’ve gotten in such a short period of time.

“Yeah, he’s my best friend.” The lie stings, burning as it comes out. Partially because I hate lying to my dear Sarah, but mainly because at some point it was the truth.

Harry was my everything at one point in my life. He might as well have hung the damn moon and stars. I thought the world of him, wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around mine all the damn time. And it killed me that we’d gotten so far away from that idea that I had to lie about even being acquainted with him.

“Word of advice.” She started, eyeing Harry carefully. My eyes remained glued to the table, fork wobbling between my pointer finger and my thumb. “Best friends don’t look at each other that way.” And when she finished what she wanted to say, I swear my heart just about stopped. All color draining from my face and my eyes rapidly blinking away the tears by now.

Setting my fork down, I ignore her playful smile and the nudge of her shoulder into mine. I look for another face to converse with, to make me begin to forget everything I was trying so desperately to escape. When I search the table, it seems like each person has found themselves in deep conversation with the other. All but one.

And his green eyes capture mine in a way I haven’t known in so long. I’d forgotten what it was like to be the center of his gaze. How thrilling it was. With my eyes, glossed over and heart beating through my chest, it seemed impossible for me to ever consider looking away. His chocolate brown curls and sweet pink lips in a gentle smile. It was consuming and alluring. Irresistible even.

A face that once disgusted me, shattered my heart, angered me and knocked me down with no air left to breathe seemed not all that frightening anymore. And the warmth that spread in my chest scared me more than anything.

I begin to realize, maybe Sarah was right. Maybe that was why I hated him so much. I didn’t hate Harry Styles. And thats why it hurt just that much more. I didn’t hate him at all, in fact. No, rather my poor heart couldn’t handle the heartbreak and deflected in the most malicious way possible. I missed my best friend.

“Y/n.” Sarahs voice pulls me from my haze, and my eyes are flickering over to hers quickly. Lips still parted and eyes still wide.

“You’re crying.” I hadn’t felt the salty heat dripping down my cheeks until she announced it. My skin too numb from embarrassment to even understand what was happening.

My tongue is tied, and my throat is killing me. I feel like I might vomit if I stay here any longer. I can’t be here any longer, I can’t do it. Not when I’ve just realized what I did. I feel what I felt all those months ago when Harry told me to stop crying. When he shut me out for good and became bitter. I feel all air leave my lungs and my knees wobbling. I am going to collapse.

“I just need air.” I say all too loudly, pushing out the chair clumsily and stepping back. The loud scratch of the wooden legs of the wooden floors turns heads and my heavy breathing tells me to get the hell out.

I pardon myself after that, waving off any concern from Sarah, and making sure nobody else saw my escape. Everyone’s still deep into conversation when I turn the corner. All but Sarah and Harry. But neither of them make a move to reach me. I let myself collapse on my bed, mascara running down my white sheets and back aching from how stiff I became at that table. I silently pray that I’ll sleep through the rest of winter.

When the dinner got cold and we’d all run out of things to say, we all look around and silently agree to part ways. It was nice to have some company, I enjoyed being around these people so much. My heart should have been full, yet it felt heavy and empty all at the same time. Littered with a guilt I wasn’t even sure was mine.

I’d seen the way she looked at me. Really looked at me. Glossed over eyes and a quivering lip. She was red with the rush of adrenaline in her blood. Anyone could see how quickly she began to breathe. It was like she was stuck, consumed by something so strong that it left her powerless, weak, crumbling quickly under an undetermined pressure. She started to cry, biting back a sob by biting harshly into her bottom lip, eyes shaking while she searched my face. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. Who had said what, and how I could help her.

I wanted to yell at whoever hurt her this bad. And the feeling of that in itself was unsettling. How my heart still longed to comfort, protect the heart of the girl who once shattered my own with her own words. More than that, I wanted to scream when nobody followed her when she ran. How nobody cared nearly enough about why she was so upset.

I couldn’t understand why I was so invested in her. Someone I was sworn to hate. Someone I had teased and fought for months and let hurt me constantly in retaliation.

But then again, we were no better than one another. We never were. Always saying too little and not opening up quite enough. Creating issues instead of solving problems. We were explosive, nobody could hurt me quite like she could and yet, I felt horrible that she was so upset.

Like the day I’d found her pacing restlessly across the floor. Skin blotchy and eyes puffy with tears. Throat sore with the violent sobs ripping through them. I’d wanted to hold her then too, but I was too bitter to do anything but tell her to quiet down. I felt the same guilt in my bones. And I make the same mistakes I made the first time. I watch her break down and sit with the uneasiness of it all.

Mitch lays a hand over my shoulder, his other arm wrapped around Sarah as he leads her through the door. His eyes look sad and tired. But his smile is genuine and filled with concern.

“Check on Y/n for us okay? Sarah thought it would be best to leave her be for now.” His hand left my shoulder and the door shut quickly after. Leaving me with the unbearable silence and loneliness I felt so frequently nowadays. It breaks down my walls and scares the shit out of me.

Maybe thats why I make my way to the kitchen, shuffling slowly along the floors and leaning slowly over the makeshift tables. A bottle of rouge in one hand, a pack of cigarettes in the other. I stuff them in my pocket and hold the bottle close to my side.

I’m slow, delaying the inevitable question. When I knock on the door, it’s quiet. Almost like I’m hoping that if it’s soft enough, she won’t hear and I can pretend she was ignoring me. But, she does hear me, and she calls out a raspy, muffled welcome, signaling for whoever was hidden behind the door to come through and take in her puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

My throat tightens when I smell her perfume. Something that I would have drowned in not so long ago. She has clothes thrown on a chair in the corner, the same one I sat in so many months ago. I’m tempted to push them off and just sit in the silence with her like we once enjoyed doing.

Her head is in her pillow and her arms are underneath her. She is unaware of who she has let in, but her silence and unmoving body tells me she’s lost all ability to care. I want to leave. I want to turn around and convince myself it was all a mistake. I’d checked on her and she was still alive and well. I’d done my part and I could go on guilt free and forget about how crushed she’d looked just hours before.

When I begin to turn on my heels and pray for this day to be over, I see something unforgettable. A small Polaroid from last year. Just weeks after she’d moved in and charmed me with her beauty and whit. She’s sat with her legs over my lap and my arms around her body. We couldn’t be any happier, and the memory makes my chest sting.

She still cared enough to keep up the old memories of us, even after all the fights and mean glares. Why did she have to keep the damn photo up?

Guilt consumes me once again, and I am faced with the sad woman in front of me, still in the same place as before and just as sad as before. My feet betray my mind, and soon I am stood beside her bedside table with a bottle of wine dangling between my pointer finger and my middle finger.

The glass knocks against her shoulder in a silent invitation. My eyes wordlessly asking her to follow. Her eyes are red, and her lips still shake. She looks completely torn apart, desperate and distraught. Disheveled even. But for some reason in my blurry head, all I can think about is how absolutely beautiful she is in the pale moonlight.

“Come on.” I ask her softly, offering her my hand. When she takes it, she’s nodding already. Trusting a man who deserves no second chances, no trust whatsoever for his cruelty and his inability to communicate. But she follows regardless.

I can’t help but realize how having her so close feels good.

He lights the cigarette for me and watches as I let it burn. My lips twitch as they wrap around the end, tasting the bitterness of its contents and the dry paper.

“How did we end up here?” I ask him, looking over the horizon. The waves are calming over here. They almost silence the ringing in my ears, despite the distance between where we sit, feet dangling over the empty pool edge and the large grass behind it.

He shrugs, snagging the cigarette from my hand delicately and taking a long drag from its end. We swap, my hands wrap around the neck of the wine bottle. It’s tinted green and nearly full.

“Unlucky people, I guess.” He looks at his feet. They dangle in the pool beside mine. You can see just how close we are in the turquoise tint. How the lights make us look less vibrant.

“I wouldn’t consider us unlucky.” I look at the sky, and I can feel his eyes on my face. It makes me swallow, how intense his gaze is. It almost makes it feel that much more real.

“Why’s that?” He asks, twisting the bud out on the cement. It stains the freshly cleaned grey stone an ashy black, but I bite my tongue.

“We had each other. Maybe we aren’t the best people, maybe we’re cruel, but I’d rather argue than live in solitude, right? Company can’t be bought. Even the most painful of it. That’s something real. Something without a price. And we’ve got it.” And it’s true. We fight and we throw shit. We stain the walls and rip the curtains. We start fires and try to blame the other. We make a mess and make amends. But a house isn’t a home without someone to share it with. And at least if we had to suffer to get there, we got it.

“Thats some of your poet shit.” He laughs sadly into the silence, looking at his feet. I laugh along, though I can tell he was only half joking. Then, I let the silence wash back over us. Forgetting how we almost had a full conversation.

“I’m not a bad person. I don’t know why I’m so mean.” He says sincerely. It’s sudden too. I can tell from the rawness in his voice. How his eyes tear up and his lips quiver. His voice cracks. Our feet hang off the edge of the backyard. It’s a quiet life. Even now. With our fights and all the fraud. But it’s never a lonely life, and we only have each other to thank for it.

I want to tell him I know, and I’m so sure of it. I’ve seen the real him, we might just not mesh together. But we once had, and that fact alone holds me back. He takes the lack of response and an opportunity to excuse himself. Pulling his body up by the arms and grunting through the sliding back door. I sit alone in the backyard for hours, body curling up into itself and layers of clothing becoming less than enough after some more time.

“I know.” I whisper into the silence. I know he’s not a bad person, I know it so well and I am so certain of it. I knew Harry once. He’s loyal and kind and the smartest man I’d ever met. And I miss knowing him like that so much.

I thought for a second tonight, I’d gotten part of him back. And maybe I had, but he left so soon I couldn’t really tell all that well. He’s left me back in the silence, wondering what happened to us, and what will happen to us. Why he came to get me, and why he even bothered to open up to me. But he never gives me the time to properly ask, even if I planned to.

I ring in the New Year alone.

The next morning he’s gone. Back to New York for his business in the big city and I am left to sit and think about what was said. A half empty bottle of wine stained with my red lipstick and glitter on the floor from old party poppers Charlotte and Elin had made sure to use before making their exit. I repeat his words.

He’s not a bad person, so why is he so mean? It’s best left unknown. Because if theres one thing I fear more than anything, it’s the realization of rejection.

Even from a man I hate so entirely, it consumes me. That I could not stand to be faced with the fact that Harry and I do not get along simply because we do not work and not because of some other underlying reason.

After all, we had it all. Gave each other everything the other had wanted. Food, shelter, company. There was really so explanation for the bitterness between us.

After all, all this time, despite his anger and hatred, he never left me to the wolves. And despite my heartbreak and sadness, I never left him with an empty home.

A wise man once said to never bite the hand that feeds it. Yet, here we are. Ripping skin from bone until we are left with nothing. We are the ungrateful, the selfish, the cruel. And we both believe that we are in the right.

I am so scared of rejection from this man who I claim to hate because he is the hand that feeds me and I am the hand to him.

We aren’t bad people, so why are we so mean? We recognize all we have to be grateful for, so why do we bite the hand that feeds us?

I guess the vulnerability of it all must have scared us. And while facing the storm, we did what all people do. We let fear consume us and we bite.

Somehow, through all of this. The realizations and the tears and wine and dusty ashes, I love him. Even with my teeth sinking into his skin and his own in mine, drawing blood, I love him. I love Harry Styles. He is my best friend and I am his. That is why I am scared and that is why it hurts so bad. Not because I simply missed him, but rather because my heart was devoted to a man who did not want it.

My fingers fumble over the pad on the phone. I type up his phone number by heart and let it ring. He answers quickly, still waiting for his plane at the airport.

“Y/n?” I can hear the bustling crowds around him and the loud engines taking off from other terminals. I imagine he is plugging one of his ears and mentally cursing the noise for making it so hard to hear.

“Come home.” My breathing is unstable, and my hands run through my hair so much I create new tangles by my neck.

“What? No, Y/n, I have to go. People are expecting me.” He starts to explain how important this is for his business. How it would be so much simpler to be there rather than over a computer screen.

“Fuck them, who cares! Harry, I need you, and I want you, please just listen to me for once. Don’t scoff, or…or roll your eyes or leave! Listen to me this once and if it’s not worth it to you, I promise you’ll never have to listen to me again. Please, it’s important.” I ramble, endless pleas met with silence. I can feel the rejection coming, I can hear the way he chokes on a breath, debating what I said.

“Okay.” The phone goes dead with his promise to come home. With the continuous beeps, I slowly come to terms with what I’d just done. But I do not feel panicked, or scared. I feel lighter with the fact that I am about to tell the moody boy something I wished I told him a long time ago.

The door opens with a creak, keys jingling in his large palms. I’d spent the morning pacing the kitchen. Leaving a trail of confetti behind in my wake. I hadn’t cared enough to clean with my endless thoughts and extreme amounts of adrenaline.

“Y/n?” His voice was unsure when it rang out. As if he didn’t know what to expect. The door shut behind him not long before I came rushing around the corner, fingernails bitten to the skin and hangnails bleeding profusely.

“God, Y/n what the hell…” Taking my hands into his, he examined the redness of my irritated skin stained further with dry blood.

“I know.” I looked at him, and he looked back at me like I was crazy.

“What?” His thumbs bent over the backs of my palms, holding me in front of him.

“I know.” I breathed out again, looking at him with such sincerity, praying for him to understand. “You’re not a bad person, and I know it because I know you. Because we fight and we tease and we scream and cry. But I know you because once we didn’t do all of that. And I needed you to know that because it wasn’t fair of me to make you believe that to be true after everything you’ve done for me.” My voice shook with how vulnerable I felt myself becoming. Harry’s hands only tightened the further I explained.

“But what about all I’ve done to you. Y/n, I’ve been awful to you and I never even told you why.” He tried to argue. I shook my head, biting my lips.

“I haven’t been much better.” I smiled sadly. He shook his head back.

“No.”

“Yes.” I blinked hard, pushing back the tears that formed watching his own gather by his waterline.

“No, Y/n, I’ve been horrible. I’ve been mean.” He tried to push away everything I was trying to ignore.

“And so have I.” I tried harder to make him understand.

“But you only did it because I had. And for what?” He finally spoke, voice raised with so much desperation behind it, I froze under his touch.

“Because I loved you so much it drove me fucking insane? Because I still love you and I’m afraid if I can’t get you to hate me I’ll never be able to stop.” He was crying now, pleading with me to make me see his side of things. All I could do was shake my head.

“Harry I could never hate you.”

“But you could never love me.” He argued.

“Thats not true, Harry tell me you know that it couldn’t be true.” I rip my hands from his grip to rest them on his cheeks. I try to wipe away his tears, but his hands cover my wrists and pull them back down.

“How could I? You said it yourself. All those months ago, I told you. I held you close and I told you I loved you. You told me I was your best friend. You couldn’t even pretend!” Neither of us could tell if he was angry or just sad. Maybe both, but no amount of denial would calm him down.

“I didn’t have to, I still don’t have to pretend! Harry, I only said that because I was so fucking scared. Scared of us, of me, of you. Of losing you if it didn’t work. And I lost you anyways, I would’ve just said it if I knew I’d lose you like this.” Our chests bumped and his fingers slipped between mine.

“Y/n.” He whispered into the silence, over our heavy breathing and salty tears.

“I love you, and I miss you.” He didn’t say anything. I could feel him slipping away as soon as his response never came. Not a single word left to say between us. Not a single amount of energy left to fight.

And then he was kissing me. Hard and sweet. Like I was everything he’d ever wanted and more. Like he was hungry, needing more and more of something he had always wanted but could never have. And at the same time, it was soft and tender. Like he never wanted it to end. My back arched within the grip of his wandering hands and my fingers tangling in his curls. I swore I would never let him go.

But it was a swear I couldn’t keep, because air dwindled quickly and spit strung between our lips. Something I would usually gag at, but didn’t mind at the moment. His forehead against mine and arms gripping the fabric by my hips so tight if I moved he could have ripped it.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized in between his heaving breaths.

“Me too.” Looking at him, I could see the red staining his lips from the makeup I’d slept in. It made me laugh, which in result made him smile.

“What? What!” He laughed along cluelessly, letting me back away for a moment.

“You have something-“ I pointed again his mouth and smiled.

“Oh do I? Do I?” He kissed my cheek, smearing the remnants of our kiss across my cheek. “Still there?” He asked with a sly grin. Like he knew he was winning.

So I kissed him hard again, smearing red around his skin and his pink lips with so much love, there was no denying my feelings anymore. There was no hate left to give.

“Yeah, you do.” It was yet another fight, but not one I minded.

After all, thats what we did for so long, it was what we were good at. The teasing and the fighting. Only now it wasn’t bitter, it was playful. And we didn’t coexist with the sole purpose of it.

Because now I was his and he was mine. And this knowledge answered all my questions, all my doubts I’d had before about our relationship and our shared insecurities that led us down this scaring path.

Harry was my best friend, and I was his. And there was no love greater than that.

#harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry x reader #fine line harry styles #harry styles #yn x harrystyles #yn x harry

[the-owl-house-takes]

So I think the worst take of the fandom is that all of the problems of the show would have been fixed had it gotten a full S3. That literally any problem the show had merely came from the shortening. This is... Well, just blatantly shows that the fandom not only doesn't understand how the animation industry works AND doesn't want to actually look at the narrative they did choose to focus on post the shortening call that were just... baffling.

So first let's establish how much of the show was affected by the Shortening. As a fandom, we found out about it during the hiatus between S1 and 2. This was at earliest, August 2020 since the S1 finale came out late August 2020. Dana has claimed two things that are important to this timeline. 1: The shortening was decided on shortly before the finale came out and 2: That the first episode affected by Covid, which would have been back in March/April, was Looking Glass Ruins. So we EXPLICTLY know that the shortening didn't affect the show until after S2 Ep 5.

BUT then we get into production schedules. Before S2 even BEGAN airing, we were told to stop campaigning for a full S3 because they had to get started on storyboards for the season and that was effectively the firm deadline. This means ALL of S2 was effectively done in script and storyboards by the time S2 aired. This makes sense to keep a weekly schedule and the like and most animation professionals will tell you they work MONTHS in advance of release, bare minimum.

This means, AT BEST, S2B was when the shortening really kicked in. And yes, S2B has pacing issues. It has issues in general and is when most people think the quality of the show dropped. The problem is that... The signs were always there. There's a reason why there's been a backlash because as people become disillusioned with the show, you have to ask what was driving so much before.

And a lot of that was potential. S1 is so good when you first watch it because it keeps teasing the idea that it's going to tackle things in a complex way. That it will explore concepts like Amity's abusive family, magic, fantasy vs reality, etc. like that. It's why the fandom was at its strongest during S1.

Unfortunately, the problem with presenting good ideas and then not executing on them, or completely gutting them is that those old parts are a lot harder to enjoy. As Willow was effectively not a character for half a season and then just suddenly was a jock, people began to realize the fact that she in the show is much more a plot device than anything else. They claimed "We're not doing the one kind act into friendship and forgiveness thing with Amity and Willow" and then literally did NOTHING with it until S2B and eventually DID just do the same trope anyways but now with less resonance than it would have had in Understanding Willow.

Not only that but even S1 didn't give a single shit about its worldbuilding. The First Day has Dana Terrace as a lead writer on it. If anyone knows the worldbuilding best, it should be her... So why is it that no one talks about multi-coven things being illegal? It's literally just used as meta commentary and so they entirely ignore the worldbuilding they have. Reaching Out is exactly the same, with Dana as the SOLE writer of that where Amity and everyone else treats joining a coven like going to college and not literally the word of the law.

But S1 couldn't even keep Wild Witches consistent. Half the time Eda can chill and not worry. She can go to a place funded by the EC like Hexide and not flinch for a second that Bump might call the guards on her despite that being kind of the ONE real rule to their society that makes it not just our world but with teeth. Then again, the show gives NO FUCKS about its own stuff, willing excising portions of itself that it finds cumbersome. Escaping Expulsion is BEFORE Looking Glass Ruins and yet it murders Luz's magical potential in its sleep and also discards Amity's family as easily disposable, despite how much the show claims her mother's influence is the reason why Amity behaved the way she did for all of... Three appearances? Because Amity's arc isn't actually good.

It shouldn't be surprising S2 would do this though when the writers already struggled to do anything with Luz's magic. If she's supposed to be learning and growing... Even S1 is shit at this and is repetitive. Not just with the at least three times we do "King has a minion!" B plot that isn't funny and doesn't do anything but also with its lessons. Luz theoretically learns to listen to Eda in the third episode and arguably the second as well. Then she gets her first glyph with the lesson, in theory. of not trying to take shortcuts to do magic and to not steal. And then in Adventure in the Elements, not even to impress Amity but because of her impatience, she steals something to take a shortcut to stronger magic. That is THREE episodes of the first TWELVE of the series. It usually takes most kids shows at least a LITTLE longer to be that bad at retreading its own lessons.

And the final part of this is that... S2 actually had to be effectively the exact same as it was for s3 to happen. You need the foreshadowing of the Collector for the Day of Unity. You need to FINALLY do something with Belos for the revelations of the Human Realm to happen and to do Luz's angst arc. You need Hunter to be at least 90% redeemed so he's there on their side during The Day of Unity, etc. like that. Then you get half a season in the human realm before coming back to the Isles for half a season, just like Amphibia did because returning home is the best mid-season finale you can have there. So any argument that a full S3 would have actually fixed issues with S2B is just... Wrong. The problems with S2B come with the fact that S2A wastes a FUCKTON of time on elements that don't matter.

Oh, and lest we forget that The Collector could have been cut. He had one appearance in a dream, that also doesn't make sense with his characterization, before S2B. In the fact, the crew has admitted as much. He was added AFTER the news of the Shortening because they always wanted to include a character like him so now that they didn't have the time for him... Cram him in anyways.

Could a show have EVER been saved when that's how they treat one of their two final antagonists? It's the sort of statement that just solidifies the idea that TOH didn't want three seasons. It wanted five... If not just to go on forever. To be the next monolithic show, even as it repeats character arcs, lessons and shrinks characters rather than expands them.

So no, the show isn't bad because of the shortening. The show is bad because the writing is bad.

-

#the owl house is one of my favorite shows ever #but it is not immune to criticism #sure the shortened season messed a lot do stuff up #but a lot of the bad stuff was the result of poor writing decisions #the owl house #toh #toh critical #long post

[ofliterarynature]

AUGUST 2023 WRAP UP

[ loved liked okay no thanks DNF (reread) bookclub*]

Witch Week | A Perilous Undertaking | 2 AM At the Cat's Pajamas | The Last Sun | The Lives of Christopher Chant | The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo* | (The Angel of the Crows) | The Enchanted April | The Art of Prophecy | A Curious Beginning | Q's Legacy | The Grimoire of Grave Fates | Charmed Life | Ocean's Echo | (Band Sinister) | (Unfit to Print) | Camp Damascus | Wanted, A Gentleman | Translation State | The Mistress of Bhatia House

I’m late I’m late I’m late! Oops

It’s only a month late, right? ‘Only’ lol, work has been exhausting! Anyways:

At this point I wonder if Ann Leckie can ever do wrong, Translation State was good! I was completely enthralled, which is all I ask, even if I don’t get as passionate about it as the main trilogy.

I continued the KJ Charles reading, with these supposed stand alones that are also kind of related? Honestly it’s no less of a stretch than Society of Gentlemen to Lilywhite Boys, so I don’t know why she can’t officially list them together. Anyways, mostly fine, and Band Sinister is still a delight!

Camp Damascus…I’m thrilled for Chuck, really, and I think he’s a delight to follow, but this one wasn’t for me. Religious trauma is turning out to be a hard no.

Ocean’s Echo was good! In some ways I definitely thought it was better than Winter’s Orbit - miscommunication is the worst I’m sorry, this story was more consistently engaging! I just like the characters from WO a bit more.

Chrestomanci! I’ve been going by the suggested reading order on Goodreads, and while I wasn’t particularly enthused by Charmed Life, once I had a grasp on the world the other books have been fun! Im very sad this might be my last DWJ, as I seem to have exhausted my library’s collection of her audiobooks :(

Grimoire of Grave Fates had a really interesting premise that lured me in, despite my reservations - an anthology where all the stories work together to solve the mystery of a murder at a magic boarding school? I thought it worked fairly well (and could definitely spin itself out into a series of novels), but just ok for me. Maybe one day I’ll finally concede I can’t read YA or boarding school books anymore.

Q’s Legacy was the last (I think) of the 84 Charing Cross Road books, and honestly the worst. It had its interesting moments, but it lacked the cohesion of the other two, speed,-running the before and during of those stories, to then spend the second half on the adaptations. It was not at all what the descriptions led me to expect. Maybe worth a single read but not a revisit.

I will also be honest, I didn’t really like the first Veronica Speedwell! The plot felt a bit contrived, and Veronica was so blunt as to almost read as rude or mean. Also very unexpectedly…clinically horny? Does that make sense? I’m not quite sure what prompted me to continue, but I’m now several books in and enjoying it! To be blunt myself, the historic setting is just set dressing, the plots can feel contrived, the mysteries are mediocre, but the real draw is the Veronica and Stoker show once they get themselves settled in and comfortable with each other. It’s a hoot.

I’d heard good things about The Art of Prophecy, but I still didn’t know quite what to expect going in. It was wonderful. Maybe a little long, but if you’re looking for a fantastic fantasy with lots of fight sequences, no romance, and some fascinating characters, this is a great read. The sequel comes out soon and I can only hope it doesn’t take as long for my library to get the audiobook as it did for this one.

I don’t know where I first found An Enchanted April, but it’s been on my TBR for a little bit, and I thought it would be the perfect fit for my classics challenge I gave myself this year! It wasn’t what I expected at all - it’s entirely character driven and very focused on their flaws, and the entire first half I thought I was going to hate it. But the second half, there’s a twist, almost, born of some very  naïve optimism that nonetheless works out. Very improbably, but I was happy for them, you funky little weirdos. 

What can I say about The Angel of the Crows except that it is still very good! It’s maybe lost a little of the shine it held when I got obsessed with it for a few months last year, but it is definitely now one of my comfort books. I really ought to read more canon Holmes though lol.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo was, to be fair, one of my suggestions for book club. It was OK, but there were definitely parts that really did not work for me, the frame narrative in particular. The other members of the club really liked it but I don’t have any plans to read more of the authors work.

I’m almost tempted to put The Last Sun last just so I can yell more. I’d heard such good things about this series, but turns out my expectations were a bit skewed - it is not historical or secondary fantasy world, oops. So we got off to a bit of a rough start, not to mention all of the Capital Words. Not usually a good sign. And while I still wouldn’t say I love the worldbuilding necessarily, or that these are the next great work of fantasy, the action is really great, and the characters are flipping fantastic. You’ve got a pair of 30 year olds who are bad ass fighters, have a traumatic past, are immature assholes, can be so so kind, and accidentally adopt a posse of troubled teenagers? Sign me up, I love them, this reminds me so much of my days reading tons of Teen Wolf fanfic AUs.

My history with 2 AM At the Cat's Pajamas is that they cannot stop recommending this thing on the Book Riot podcasts. When I found a copy at Goodwill, I thought surely it’s meant to be! Well. It was not bad, but it was not great. I don’t know. It just wasn’t for me and I will not be keeping my copy. I probably should have DNF’d it, but I continued in hope.

Only one actual DNF this month though, The Mistress of Bhatia House - the newest Perveen Mistri book. I was actually fairly excited for it despite my reservations about the earlier books, but I hit a mental roadblock with this one. There was some contrived feeling tension with her sister-in-law, but really, I realized that one of my main problems with this series is that, despite being in a very precarious social position, Perveen is just incredibly reckless - usually in the name of doing good! - but it just hit all the wrong nerves at the moment. I’m hoping there will be a better time to read this, but not right now. 

#bec posts #2023 #book log #wrap up 2023 #translation state #kj Charles #camp Damascus #oceans echo #chrestomanci #diana wynne jones #the grimoire of grave fates #helene hanff #Veronica speedwell #the art of prophecy #the enchanted April #the seven husbands of evelyn hugo #tarot sequence #the last sun #2 am at the cats pajamas

[sequinsmile-x]

All's Fair - Chapter 7

Emily and Aaron have loved each other since they were children. War might be the thing that finally brings them together, but it could also be the thing that tears them apart forever.

A Hotchniss AU, set in 1917 and beyond.

-x-

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you so much for all of the love on this fic. Writing anything is like putting a tiny bit of yourself out there for the world to see so it's always nerve-wracking. Those nerves are 10 times as worse with an AU. People don't like them or are wary. And I am blown away by the comments, reblogs...anything this fic has received.

I want to say a specific thank you to @hancydrewfan and @ssa-sparks for letting me terrorise them consistently, and not just about this fic. @prentissinred for listening to my 3 minute plus voice note about this fic when I first got the idea, back when it was only supposed to be 3 chapters!! And last, but not least, @cloudlessly-light for always letting me bounce ideas off of you and send you random screenshots of scenes.

I love you all, and I hope you all enjoy this last chapter <3

-x-

Words: 5.6k

A list of warnings and tags can be found on the Series Master List

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

April 1919

“Congratulations, Mrs Hotchner.” 

She couldn’t fight the smile that immediately spreads across her face even if she wanted to, her hands curled around each other in her lap, her fingers twisting her wedding ring around her finger. 

“You’re sure?” She asks, her voice cracking like it had when she’d found out she was having Mae but for an entirely different reason. 

“Absolutely,” he replies, smiling kindly at her, “You’re pregnant.” 

The last time she’d heard those words, she’d been terrified. Anxious and alone, grieving the husband she thought she would lose just after she got him. This time it’s different. She feels nothing but joy, excitement bubbling in her stomach, making it roll over for an entirely different reason to the nausea that had gripped her the last few days. Aaron was here, just on the other side of the door of the doctor’s office, waiting for her to confirm the news they were both hoping for. 

It was planned this time. Not the happy accident that had brought them Mae, the very thing she realises had held her together whilst Aaron was away. 

“Thank you, Doctor.” 

She half listens to his instructions that she remembered from last time, eager to see her husband. To tell him face to face this time instead of writing a letter. To experience his instant response, instead of waiting weeks to hear back from him. She says a rushed goodbye to the doctor and heads out of the room. 

As soon as the door opens, Mae spots her, the toddler escaping her father’s grasp as she walks over to Emily. 

“Mama!” 

“Hi my sweet girl,” Emily says, picking up her daughter and placing her on her hip. Mae grasps onto her, her tiny fist wrapping around Emily’s necklace as if they’d been separated for much longer than the 20 minutes she’d been in the doctor's office. She kisses the side of her daughter's head before turning to look at her husband. Aaron stands and walks over to them, a hopeful smile on his face. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” he replies, his hand ghosting her lower back. He clears his throat. “She was asking for you the whole time.” 

She looks down at Mae, smiling at how content she seemed. “Were you giving Daddy a hard time?” She meets her husband's eyes and smiles, “So, are you going to ask me?” 

Aaron looks between his wife and the secretary who was sitting at her desk behind them. She’d made her feelings on him and Mae staying in the waiting room very clear, not so subtly letting him know usually husbands stayed at home. He knows she’s listening, her eyes flitting between her work and them. 

He still wasn’t used to it. To being watched. Since he’d returned from Europe he’d learnt the true practicalities of being Emily’s husband for the first time. How they were watched, how there were expectations. Even though Emily hated it, and made that hatred clear, she was excellent at it. Measured and approachable in a way that Elizabeth had trained into her from an early age.  

He clears his throat, his attention landing back on his wife, his hand hovering just above her lower back as he guides them outside, away from prying eyes. “So are you…”

She smiles at him as he drifts off, his discomfort clear, and she nods as they come to a stop, standing just outside the doctor's office. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

His response is to kiss her. His lips pressing into hers in an attempt to get across how much he loves her, how much he treasures her. Before Emily, he’d rarely been told he was loved. He had few memories of his mother, he’d been so young when she died shortly after having Sean, and his father had never been one to show affection. He knew Emily’s life had been similar. That her parents rarely displayed any emotions at all, let alone love or pride towards their only child. Aaron knew it was why he and Emily were so vocal about it, why they told each other, and Mae, often. 

They couldn’t fix the past, but they could change the present. They could curate a different future for their family by actively choosing to be better. 

“I love you,” he says as he pulls back, aware they were still in public and that they would have to wait until they were home, in their safe space, before they could celebrate properly. 

“I love you too,” she replies, clearing her throat as her voice cracks. It hit her sometimes how closer she had come to losing this, to losing him and anything that came with their life together. She thought about it, how her life would have looked as just her and Mae. She would have made sure her little girl grew up knowing she was loved, that her father had loved her, but everything would have been tinged with loss. The colour slightly faded and the picture out of focus anytime they did something and he should have been there. 

Mae fusses in her arms, protesting that she hadn’t had any attention for a couple of minutes in the way only a toddler could. Emily chuckles, bouncing her daughter slightly as she leans in to kiss her cheek.

“We love you too, Mae,” she says, smiling up at Aaron who kisses the little girl’s forehead before he pulls back, ready to start the slow walk back to the estate, both of them desperate for some well-needed time alone as a family. 

“We do, princess,” he adds, “Although you may have to learn to share Mommy before too long.” 

Emily shakes her head at him, forcing her smile to remain on her face. Even though it had been months since Aaron had returned, Mae still clung to Emily like she always had. An unbreakable bond that had formed in the time when it had just been them. Emily wasn’t ashamed of how much she enjoyed her daughter’s love for her, how she’d seek her out even if she were just across the room, but it didn’t mean she didn’t feel guilt when she saw something close to jealousy rush across her husband’s face. 

She knew it was born from guilt from missing out on so much from the first several months of her life, nothing more. No matter how much she tried she couldn’t talk him out of it, couldn’t seem to assure him that Mae loved him no matter what. That they all needed each other. 

“Sweetheart?”

She looks at him, not realising she’d drifted off, her mind elsewhere on things they couldn’t fix quickly, if at all, “Yes, honey?” 

“Happy Anniversary.” 

She smiles for real this time, her cheeks almost aching with it, “Happy Anniversary,” she replies, biting her lower lip as her smile transforms into a smirk, “Your gift better be good considering I’m giving you your second child.” 

He shakes his head at her and he laughs. Mae joins in even though she doesn’t understand what’s being said, and the sound warms Emily from the inside out. 

___

June 1919

Aaron wakes up suddenly, sucking in a deep breath as he’s thrown out of a dream based in what had once been his reality. 

It takes a moment for reality to set in. For the acrid smell of gunpowder and the ever-present scent of death to dissipate, slowly replaced by the smell of home. Of his wife’s soap. 

He reaches over to her side of the bed only to be met with cool sheets. He sits up and switches on the lamp on his nightstand, unsurprised when he looks over towards the door that led to Mae’s room and sees it’s slightly open, light streaming in from underneath. 

He climbs out of bed and walks towards the room, gently pushing the door open just in case Mae was asleep. He’s met by the sight of Emily slowly pacing the room, holding Mae against her as she quietly sang a lullaby. The toddler was against Emily’s chest, her head pressing into her neck. The way Emily was holding her against her pulled her nightgown tight around her abdomen, her bump visible beneath their eldest. 

“Is she ok?” 

Emily looks up at him, a sleepy smile on her face that gives away how exhausted she is. Her first pregnancy had been tiring, but her mother had all but exiled her to her room until the gossip around her elopement had died down. It was different this time. There was Mae to look after, and events that she and Aaron couldn’t avoid even though they wanted to, and her exhaustion was almost bone-deep. 

“She woke up crying,” Emily says softly, still pacing, “I think she still feels sick.” 

Mae had picked up a cold form somewhere, unusual for the summer, and at first, it had scared her parents half to death. Both of them had needed reassurance from the doctor that their little girl hadn’t caught the flu that had been all over the papers and that she would be fine in a few days. It made the usually happy toddler grumpy, and she wanted nothing more than to be snuggled up in the arms of one of her parents. 

He walks over to them and places his hand on Mae’s forehead, “Her temperature hasn’t gone up.” 

“Thank God,” Emily mutters, “I think Doctor Reid would have thought I was crazy if I asked him to come up here again.” 

“Considering he’s about 14 years old, I think he’d manage it,” he says, catching her smile as he, as usual, joked about how young the new local doctor looked. “Want to put her down? She’s asleep.” 

Emily hesitates, a quick tightening of her hold on Mae as if he’s going to take her from her arms, “I…I don’t like leaving her when she’s sick.” 

Aaron freezes, taking a step back from them both. “When has she been sick before?” 

He hates that he has to ask, that he doesn’t know something as simple as this about his own daughter, and familiar guilt climbs its way up his throat. 

Emily stares at him for a moment before she clears her throat. She continues pacing when Mae starts to fuss even in her sleep. 

“She had colic when she was a newborn,” Emily says, avoiding his eye contact, “She was sick on and off the first 6 months of her life.” 

He frowns, his eyebrows knitting together as fury he knows she doesn’t deserve burns in his chest. 

“I was here when she was 3 months old. I was here.” 

“For two nights, Aaron,” she replies tightly, not wanting to argue with him, “She was in a good phase then.” 

He breathes out slowly, clenching his jaw tightly on the inhale to calm himself down, “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” 

She sighs and briefly presses her face into Mae’s loose curls, desperately seeking a sense of peace that she usually found in Aaron. 

“I didn’t want to worry you.” 

“Didn’t want to worry me, I’m her father.” He half shouts, his voice getting quieter throughout his sentence as if he’d forgotten briefly that there was a sleeping toddler n the room. 

“And you weren’t here, Aaron,” she says harshly, the words escaping before she can stop them, “You weren’t here and I was. And I did it all by myself.” She watches as the fight drains out of him, his face falling as her words sink in, and she sighs, tears pressing at the back of her eyes as she shakes her head. She huffs out a laugh, the sound catching on a sob, and she looks back at him, “It isn’t your fault, Aaron. But it isn’t mine either. I made decisions for our family to protect us all - you included. And I won’t apologise for that.” 

For a moment he stares at her, and for the first time, he thinks he can see the impact his absence had on the woman he loves. She looks torn open, as if memories of her time alone, a new mother wrangling a sick baby whilst her husband was fighting a war on a different continent, were haunting her. 

He steps towards her, reaching out and pulling her into a hug, Mae and their unborn child sandwiched between them. 

“I know,” he says, kissing the top of her head, grateful when she leans further into him, “And I don’t want you to,” he pulls back just enough to look at her, his hand cupping her cheek, “It’s just…”

“Complicated,” she finishes for him, smiling sadly at him. She leans forward to briefly touch her forehead to his before her eyes meet his, “Did you have one of your dreams again?” The only answer she needs is the way he holds them a little tighter, the tension in his body saying more than he ever seemed to be able to put into words, “Come on,” she says, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “Why don’t we all go and sleep in our bed?” 

Aaron doesn’t need convincing, and he follows her to their room, switching off the light in Mae’s as they leave it. She gently lays Mae on the bed before climbing in, and he follows suit. He lifts Mae onto his chest and the toddler curls up on it, her forehead against her father’s neck, and it makes him smile, the familiar weight of her against him one of the few things that could calm him. Emily curls up against his side, laying so she looks at their daughter, her eyes fixed on her little red nose, the way she looked miserable even in sleep. 

“You don’t have to do it alone anymore,” Aaron whispers as he kisses the top of Emily’s head, almost as if he was worried if he spoke too loudly the words would carry even more weight, “I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.” 

It’s a promise that she knows he can’t keep. None of them could. The world seemed to be getting bigger, with endless opportunities and dangers at every turn. She could have lost him, and the worry that left behind was like a phantom, always following her. Just one step behind. 

He couldn’t promise it, not really, but the fact he meant it was enough. 

“I know.” 

___

“God I hate these parties.” 

Aaron chuckles at his wife, looking around the room as he does so, “I have to admit, I always thought you exaggerated these things,” his eyes fall on his mother-in-law on the other side of the room. Elizabeth was working the crowd effortlessly as if she was made for this. On some level, the thinks, she was, “If anything you underplayed things.” 

“I told you,” she replies, rolling her eyes at him for his comment about exaggeration, “It’s all just so…false,” she grimaces, her hand pressing into her belly, mostly hidden by the cut of her dress.”

He looks down at her, “Are you ok?” 

She groans as she meets his eyes, “I feel sick again. It barely affected me when I was having Mae, this time I’ve felt awful the entire time.” 

“Do you want me to go find some tea for you, I know that helps.” 

She smiles at him, reaching out and wrapping her hand around his briefly, a small token of affection they could gift each other in the circumstances they were in. 

“That’s sweet, but you’d have to hassle Dave. And he’s busy with everything that’s going on.” 

Aaron smiles before he places his now empty glass down, “Firstly, you’re Dave’s favourite person on the planet, so he’d drop literally everything for you. Secondly, since your mother made me Head of the Estate, I’m his boss now.” 

It was something Elizabeth had decided when Aaron returned. She refused to give him his job back as caretaker and promoted him to Head of the Estate. Emily knew it was to save face with the people she knew more than anything, her daughter being married to the man in charge instead of the caretaker was an easier story to sell, but she was grateful for it. It was her mother’s way of showing she’d grown to accept her relationship and her family.

“Ok,” she concedes, her stomach rolling again, “That would be lovely actually.” 

He leaves her side with another squeeze of her hand, and she watches him go until he disappears out of sight. 

“It’s been a while, Emily.” 

She suppresses the groan that threatens to escape her as she turns her head to find Ian standing in front of her. He’d been watching her from a distance all night and had clearly waited until she was alone to approach her. 

“Ian, nice to see you,” she lies with ease, her society smile painted across her face, “Mother tells me congratulations are in order,” she says looking past him to his wife, a young woman called Chloe, “A wedding and a baby since we last saw each other. You do move fast.” 

For the first time in a long time, she’s grateful for the way she was raised. For the conversations she can have entirely in subtext, allowing her to say something without ever saying it. Ian’s face falls for a second, fury she’s sure his wife is all too familiar with flashing across his face. 

“Yes,” he replies curtly, “A son. We’ve called him Declan,” he looks her up and down, his eyes lingering on her stomach, “And I hear you’re having another one.” 

“Yes, we are, due at the start of November.” 

He chuckles, although there is no humour in it.  “Maybe one day my son can marry your daughter,” he says, smiling at Emily in a way that makes her stomach churn, “We can finally have that Doyle/Prentiss bond we missed out on.”

“My daughter’s surname is Hotchner,” she replies, staring him down, “And I’m not promising her to anyone. She can make that decision for herself when she’s old enough.” 

“Maybe it will happen naturally then.” 

“I don’t think so,” she says cooly, not letting any of her anger show despite her raging hormones, “I’ll teach her better than that.” 

He steps closer to her, clearly forgetting their surroundings, but before he can say anything, she feels a familiar hand on her back. Ian takes a step backwards, swallowing thickly as he does so. 

“Rossi is bringing your tea for you,” Aaron says, his voice tense, before he looks at Ian, “I don’t believe we’ve met officially. I’m Aaron Hotchner, Emily’s husband.” 

He puts his hand out to shake Ian’s and she watches with no small amount of Glee as he clearly squeezes Ian’s hand harder than necessary. 

“Ian Doyle,” Ian says, clearing his throat before he takes a step away from them, “I should get back to my wife,” he looks at Emily, “Always a pleasure.”

She waits until he’s gone, no longer in hearing distance when she looks at her husband, “How much of that did you hear?” 

He shrugs slightly, a smirk appearing on his face, “None of it.” 

She furrows her brows in confusion, “None of it?” 

“You guys were on my bad side,” he explains, pointing at his damaged ear, “But I knew whatever he was saying it couldn’t be good.” 

___

September 1919 

“Emily, I know you were resistant to help last time-”

“And I am this time too,” she says, stopping her mother from continuing, raising an eyebrow almost to challenge her, “I’m fine.” 

“You’re about to have two children under the age of two,” Elizabeth says, staring at her daughter and son-in-law from across her desk, “And Mae is always under your feet because you insist on coddli-”

“If you tell me I’m coddling her again I’m leaving,” Emily threatens, cutting her mother off again, her temper rising. She turns to look at Aaron, his eyes soft as she meets them, and she sighs, taking a second to calm herself, frustrated that after all this time her mother was still able to get a rise out of her, “We’ll be fine Mother. Aaron’s here now and…you know I want things to be different for my children.” Elizabeth stares at her as they come to a stand-off they’d had countless times since Emily had announced her first pregnancy. Elizabeth nods, and Emily takes the chance to ask the question she’d come here to ask in the first place, “I wondered if Mae could stay with you on your side of the house when the time comes,” she says, placing her hand on her bump.

Elizabeth looks surprised and looks at Aaron, “And where will you be whilst all of this is going on?” 

Emily swallows thickly, “He’s going to be with me.” 

Elizabeth looks up at Emily, her eyebrow raised, “What do you mean?” 

“He’s going to be in the room with me when the baby is born.” 

Elizabeth sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose as she leans back in her chair, “Emily-”

“Before you tell me it’s not the done thing, I know,” she cuts over her mother, “But nothing about this has been ‘the done thing’ over the last couple of years,” she says, her irritation starting to show. Aaron reaches out and links his fingers through hers, a rare show of affection in front of her mother. She sighs, blowing out a steady breath. “He’s missed so much when Mae was small, I don’t want him to miss any of it this time. Not any of it.” 

Elizabeth looks between the two of them, shaking her head as she leans forwards, her hands linked together on her desk, “You’d have to clear it with the midwife.” 

“I have,” Emily says, “I already spoke to her about it. She was there when I had Mae and she said she’s happy for him to be there, barring any complications that would require the doctor.” 

She knows her husband well enough to know that if something did go wrong, if the doctor was called, he wouldn’t leave her side willingly. That he’d have to be dragged out of the room. She hopes it won’t be an issue, that it’s something they wouldn’t have to live through. 

They’d been through enough. 

“You’ve thought everything through,” Elizabeth quips, her eyebrow raised. 

“I always think everything through,” Emily replies, an edge of petulance entering her voice that only her mother could bring out in her. There’s a beat of silence, and then there’s laughter. Both her mother and her husband laugh in tandem, something she’s never heard before as if they are sharing a joke she isn’t privy to. “What’s so funny?” 

“Oh sweetheart,” he says, squeezing her hand as he shakes his head at her, “I love you so much, but that is the funniest thing you’ve ever said.” 

___

November 1919

“I’m huge.” 

Aaron smiles at her, walking the short distance to where she was sitting on the couch they kept in the library. He hands her the book she’d requested and sits next to her. 

“You’re beautiful,” he places his hand on her stomach, smiling as the baby shifts beneath his palm, “I’ll never get over how this feels.” 

“Same,” she replies, placing her hand over his, a wistful smile on her face, “I remember when I first felt Mae moving. I didn’t really know what it was at first but when I figured it out, I’d spend hours just sitting here feeling her move,” she smiles shyly at him, “It sounds stupid, but it made me feel strangely connected to you.” 

His smile falters as it always did when she mentioned her first pregnancy, a mix of guilt and flashing in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, something he’d said countless times since he’d come back to her, “I wish…I don’t know what I wish,” he shakes his head, smiling as their baby kicks, “I can’t wish I didn’t go because if I hadn’t you would have married someone else. Mae wouldn’t be here, and neither would this little one. But I’m sorry.”

She catches his chin and makes him look at her before she cups his cheek. Familiar love scatters across her face, wetting her cheeks like tears. 

“I think about the same thing,” she admits, smiling as he turns his head to kiss the palm of her hand, “And I never really believed in anything, you know that,” she says, smiling as fond memories of the two of them having to be separated at church, the pair prone to giggling during the sermon when they were young, “But I do believe that we were always meant to end up right here. Together.” 

“Me too,” he says, kissing her palm again. The baby kicks, hard, and he laughs, “He’s got a strong kick.” 

Over the last several months they’d gone back and forth, switching between referring to the baby as a girl or a boy as they saw fit. The closer she got to giving birth, her due date now just days away, she felt familiar nerves start to build. Concerns that people would feel disappointed if she had a daughter, a burden Emily was all too familiar with. 

“Mother seems insistent it is a boy,” she says, looking down at her belly, “I think she’ll be disappointed if it isn’t.” 

“I won’t be,” he replies simply, as if he’d been waiting for her to say something, and she looks up at him so quickly her neck hurts. 

“You won’t?” 

“Mae is a mini you, I’m imagining another little girl would be too,” he replies, shrugging one shoulder, “I’ve wanted to spend my life surrounded by you ever since we met.” 

She tries to laugh, but a sob escapes instead, and she wipes at her cheeks, “You are the corniest man on the planet, Aaron Hotchner,” she says, shaking her head at him, “And I am so lucky you’re mine.” 

He leans in to kiss her. She smiles against his lips, keeping her hand on his cheek to hold him in place. 

“I’m the lucky one.”

___

“It’s a girl.”

It’s the second time she’s been told that, but it’s no less special than the first. Relief floods through her as her baby is born, her daughter, and her small cries fill the room.

“A girl?” Aaron says, his voice full of wonder, he presses a kiss to Emily’s head, holding her closer as she relaxes into him, “Did you hear that, sweetheart? Another girl.” 

“Is she ok?” She breathes out. She tries to sit up a little but Aaron holds her still. He’d been sitting behind her throughout the entire time she pushed. His chest against her back, his legs spread so she could rest as comfortably as she could against him. Her steady foundation as her body was pushed to its limit. 

“She’s perfect,” the midwife says, holding her up so they can both see her. 

“She’s so small,” Aaron says, wanting nothing more than to hold her, to protect this new life that was yet to know any of the horrors of the world. 

“Mae was smaller,” Emily says as she’s handed the baby, smiling down at her before she rests her head on her husband’s shoulder to look up at him, “Not by much. But she was.” 

“I can’t imagine her this small,” he replies, reaching out to stroke his knuckle down the newborn's face, not caring that she hadn’t been cleaned yet, “I just can’t picture it,” he looks at the time on his watch, briefly disconnecting his arm from around her, “It’s past midnight, so her birthday is November 11th.” 

He doesn’t have to say the rest, to tell her that their child had been born on the one-year anniversary of the war that had almost torn them apart had ended. The war that had brought them together. Some days, she hates that it’s such a big part of their story, that she knows that without it they wouldn’t be here, holding their newborn daughter whilst their toddler slept just down the hall under the watchful eye of her grandmother. 

“Sorry it wasn’t your birthday,” Emily breathes out, “I know you were secretly hoping for that.”

He shakes his head at her, leaning down to kiss her again, “I’m just glad she’s here and that you’re both ok.” 

She nods and smiles up at him, “Want to hold her?” 

He doesn’t need asking twice, and she gently hands over the baby, smiling as he holds her so delicately, as if she was made of glass. 

“Hi, princess,” he says, laughing through his tears as he looks at her, wanting to memorise everything he can, “You look so much like your mommy and your sister. Which means you’re beautiful, just like them.” 

Emily laughs, the sound turning into a wince as she feels a contraction coming on, “I’m definitely not beautiful right now.” 

“You’re always beautiful, especially just after you’ve given birth to our little girl,” he replies, turning his attention back to her, concern building in his chest as he watches pain flash across her face. He looks at the midwife, “Is she ok?” 

“She’s just fine, Mr Hotchner,” the midwife replies, “this is just all part of the process. You focus on that baby of yours and your wife and I will handle the rest.”  

Emily nods at him, confirming that she was fine, and he looks at his baby, who was now calm and staring up at him with wide eyes, and he feels fully at peace for the first time since he’d made the decision that changed all their lives. 

___

“We need to name her.” 

It was mid-afternoon, their daughter was now half a day old, and they were curled up in bed as a family. Elizabeth had come by in the morning, delighted to meet the new addition, and if she was disappointed that she had another granddaughter, she mercifully didn’t show it. She’d left Mae with them, the toddler fascinated with her baby sister, and the four of them enjoyed their first few hours together as a family. 

“I named Mae,” Emily whispers, not wanting to wake the newborn lying on her chest, she smiles up at her husband, “You should name her.”

He looks past his wife and his newborn daughter to the toddler sleeping half on top of Emily, her head resting on the opposite shoulder to their newborn. She’d loved meeting her sister, but had refused to leave her mother’s side once she’d made it there. She’d been anxious at being separated from Emily as soon as her labour started, prolonged distance from her mother was not something that had happened very often in her short life. Aaron loved their bond, the unbreakable force of it, but in his worst moments he envied it. Fury he couldn’t direct anywhere but at himself for missing out on so much of his oldest’s life. 

He looks back at the baby and smiles, a name immediately coming to mind. 

“Daisy,” he says, stroking his finger over the baby’s cheek, marvelling at how soft her skin is.

She thinks of the day everything between them changed. How she’d sat in amongst the daisies that morning, unaware that by the end of the day, she’d be suggesting they get married. She thinks of the pressed daisy in his first letter to her, the one he had planned to leave behind with no explanation, that she now had in a frame alongside their wedding photo. A flower as simple yet as beautiful as their love for each other.

She thinks of the letters, the dozens of letters they exchanged whilst he was gone. Daisies drawn in the corners of each envelope from him. Now organised with the ones she’d send in response. A catalogue of their love together bound together with twine and the time that had passed. 

“Daisy,” Emily repeats, tasting the name in her mouth, imagining herself saying it for years to come. For the rest of her life. She smiles, her cheeks aching with it, “Daisy Elizabeth Hotchner.”

“You like it?” He asks, a shake to his voice he hadn’t expected as she nods. She reaches out for him with the hand that isn’t securing Daisy to her chest and she cups his cheek, guiding him down for a kiss. 

“I love it,” she replies, kissing him again before allowing him to pull away, “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” he says, pushing some hair behind her ear, staring at her with such adoration she thinks she should be embarrassed, but she isn’t. Because she feels the same way about him. 

They lapse into silence, a comfortable blanket laying over them, their future clear for the first time since she’d burst into his old home, anger flowing off of her like love did now. 

“Aaron?” She says quietly, and he looks at her, his eyes meeting hers as he pulls her and therefore their daughters into his arms, making sure he has all of his girls in his embrace. 

“Yes, sweetheart?”

She smiles at him, the mischief he had fallen in love with as a boy flashing through her eyes and he knows what she’s going to say a second before she says it. 

“You know daisies are weeds, right?” 

Aaron shakes his head, an amused smile breaking over his face. He kisses her, putting all the love he can into it, knowing he could live one hundred years and never be able to put it into words. 

She always said he’d saved her. From a marriage she didn’t want with a man she could never love, from the life her mother had always forced on her. But she’d saved him. Gave him a reason to make it home, a beacon of light to guide him even in the darkest of moments. 

They’d saved each other, and he knew they’d spend the rest of their lives doing the very same. 

-x-

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[bambiraptorx]

FANTASY AU??? MY FAVOURITE REPTILES SHOVED INTO MY FAVOURITE GENRE??? TELL ME MORE PLEASE?!? <3

Okay, so the setting is more or less Generic Medieval Fantasy Land, but instead of having the standard fantasy races, yokai and humans pretty much coexist alongside each other. The land is currently in a time of peace. Sure there's some conflicts, but those tend to be more based on issues between nobility/ landed gentry than widespread war. Many cities and villages are fairly isolated, and there isn't really an overall ruler, just a scattering of city-states that occasionally try to conquer each other.

That being said, let's get into actual characters!

Leo is something of a traveling bard who wanders from town to town, with a 'magic flute' that can turn into a sword. (It's worth noting that the flute is not actually magic and it's actually Leo's ability to magically transform objects into swords that's at play here. He is not aware of this.) Nobody knows what exactly he's searching for, but he consistently takes an interest in unusual magic and strange occurrences, often offering the villages he stops in to help with their mystic problems if he can. Sometimes the issue is that a slumbering dragon under the hill that the town is built on is waking up, sometimes it's that everyone in town is turning into frogs because their main well got enchanted somehow (and seriously guys, just dig a new well at this point? please?)

Raph is his main traveling companion, often seen as the brawn to Leo's brains. He's actually more of the impulse control to Leo's hare-brained schemes though, except when the hair-brained schemes are coming from him lol. Between the two of them, they've earned a reputation as something of a pair of folk heroes, to the point that people will occasionally seek them out to ask them for help. Raph isn't as fond of the traveling as Leo is; he doesn't like the constant inconsistency and change. But until they find what they're looking for, they have to keep going.

April is something of a travelling storyteller, who's crossed paths with Leo and Raph enough to know that wherever they go, crazy things follow. Sometimes she travels with them, sometimes they split up. Occasionally she does odd jobs in villages, especially if she wants to keep a low profile. Half of storytelling is gathering information, after all, and if there's a shady merchant selling bad potions or a count whose servants keep disappearing, you can bet that April is going to find out about it. (She's kinda like the fantasy/pre-movable-type printing press version of an investigative journalist.) She may or may not be under an oath to never tell a lie.

Donnie doesn't travel with his brothers, partly because he prefers the city life to the open road and partly because, as the youngest master craftsman of his guild, his work is constantly under demand. He's known for having a special touch when it comes to his creations, whether clockwork, iron, or precious metals, and his precision and focus are something to behold. Unlike many metalworkers, he refuses to make weapons (something the rest of the guild is fine with because of the demand his work receives). Rumor has it that the trade coming to his city has doubled since he started selling his work. Also, he draws his eyebrows on with charcoal. They tend to get smudged.

Mikey's just stuck in a magical amulet lmao. Leo and Raph have spent the last several years trying to figure out how to get him out without having to go back to the person that put him in it initially, but hope running slim on that front.

Draxum is... interesting. He lives in a massive forest known for its mystical wildlife and properties. They say that he lives in the exact center of the forest, twenty days' journey from any side, in a decrepit tower as old as the trees themselves. Some call him the forest's witch, others its guardian spirit, still others its god. All anyone knows for sure is that he's been there longer than any of the villages built tentatively on the forest outskirts, and that no one wants to get on his bad side. There are rumors of trophy hunters travelling a bit too deep and coming out irreversibly changed, both physically and mentally. Forest fires may rage for decades, then extinguish themselves in a single night. Paths seem to open between the trees and close at random. There is a saying in many towns on the fringe: as crazy as spending a week in the forest. Locals never explain the meaning, apparently finding it self-evident.

And almost everyone who's spent any length of time within the forest boundaries reports a tall shadowy figure that lurks just outside the boundaries of torchlights and campfires, never engaging, just watching. Sometimes, upon close inspection, the shadow is revealed to simply be a tallish pillar of stone, one so covered in moss and vines that it can't have been touched for centuries. It's unwise to get too close to the pillars, though.

Sometimes they'll follow you. And that's never a good thing.

#asks #bambi's rambling #rottmnt #rottmnt au #rotmnt leo #rottmnt april #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt raph #rottmnt baron draxum #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt fanfiction #also nobody trusts the water in the forest (whether stream pond lake etc) #for some reason most of it's enchanted to turn people into various types of animals #(the reason is that draxum got bored) #(guess who enchanted that one village's well to turn people into frogs) (it was draxum) (he was bored)

[fuck-customers]

This is a PSA to remind you... Do not ignore red flags during the hiring process! Or you'll end up like me.

At the end of March/beginning of April, I applied for a position, got three interviews and then they didn't offer me a job for OVER A MONTH. I asked them every week what the status of my application was, and they kept delaying or whatever, until they told me they had decided to hire internally. I would later find out, that the job had been promised to the girl they hired LONG BEFORE THEY INTERVIEWED ME, and has it not been for the fact that another manager decided to quit, they most likely would not have hired me at all.

This is of course, just the start of what is a long list of shenanigans by corporate.

So they hired me to take over for a general manager of a store who was stepping down. This is a smaller company, so only a handful of stores, but it's an animal care company (grooming, boarding, daycare). I try to get ahold of the hiring manager, and she takes nearly a week to finally have me sign the paperwork. She was trying to get me to shadow the manager before I signed my paperwork, but after a day of that, and her constant delays I said no, I would wait until I signed my paperwork to work. Those hours I shadowed for before? Never paid for. Glad I didn't do anymore.

So I'm learning from the old gm who is leaving, and it is just... A mess. I end up getting less than two weeks of training, before this girl decides to step down. But instead of just letting her step down, and continue training me, corporate tells her to just leave, and don't come back. So here I am, less than two weeks of training for a general manager position, and I'm suddenly in charge of everything. Thank goodness for my supportive crew or I'd be dead.

You would think corporate would realize that my training wasn't complete. I was very clear on that, on the gaps I knew about that I didn't have the completed training. Well, even though I was fairly consistently messaging them, I only got them to physically come to the store about four or five times.... In two months. Yes, they left a still not fully trained manager in charge and just didn't come help to train me in things. Two and a half months in I have have had to figure shit out for myself, build my own systems, jury rig whatever I have with what's available, and just hope I don't mess anything up.

Well everything was kind of coasting, until the big boss started texting my direct boss complaining about what she was seeing on our cameras. This woman was spying on us!! And instead of talking to me directly, kept whining that the front desk receptionists, you know, the ones hired to answer phones and check dogs in... Were sitting at the front desk. She expected them to be "always doing something" but if they weren't on cameras then she would also complain she couldn't see them. Wtf?

But it just gets worse. So much worse. You see, I was not the only new general manager. Of the five or six stores in this company, all but ONE of them had gotten new general managers the same month I had. Suspicious right? Well, turns out this is a common problem. Somehow corporate doesn't seem to realize their stupidity in driving their managers away every six months by refusing to communicate or train them.

Well, one of the new managers at another location, called me in a panic this last Friday. She asked if any of my employees had been paid. I said yeah, haven't yours. No. Not a single one of her employees OR HER had been paid. Because the big boss fucked up payroll. Us managers literally do not have access to approve payroll, we prepare it and then send it to the big boss. Well the big boss blamed this poor girl and told all her employees it was the gms fault. The gm said no way am I taking the fall for that, and turned in her two weeks. She offered to stay and train a new gm, but the big boss said no, you need to leave right now. The gm said I'm leaving after I gather my stuff (she had sunk money into the store decor). The big boss said no you need to leave now I am calling the cops. So that poor gm was escorted out of the building by the cops, because the big boss is a snake of epic proportions.

Anyway, seeing that treatment of a fellow gm... I'm looking for another position. Remember everyone, don't ignore the red flags! They are there for a reason, and usually it's that it's so much worse behind the scenes.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

welp, guess who hit burnout again ?!?!

i did !!

primarily because of some bad news i got last week. it's nothing bad bad, it's just some aggravating bullshit i have to deal with (basically i missed some payments for my therapist and i thought it was like...3 or 4, but it's like...8?? the lady that does her payroll is going to look into it because my deductible kicked in somewhere in there, but i don't think for most of it so i'm just annoyed at myself for letting this pile up like this but what can ya do!! thankfully she's been really forgiving and understanding, especially because a lot of these missed payments happened around when my dad died so i do appreciate that and will be making it up to her as soon as i can; i don't see her again until april so hopefully by then i can get a little more caught up

i also broke my favorite mirror and my pipe like a day apart from each other (the pipe i'm not as broken up about because i'm starting a tolerance break soon anyway and the guy i bought it from still makes the same one so we're all good there but the mirror???? the fucking mirror!?!)

okay so this goddamn mirror.

i genuinely don't even know how this happened

i had just put our dog down for his nap (yes, he has a nap time and yes i take care of him like he's my child now.........he's grown on me) and i went upstairs to use my bathroom and get my medicine and i may have accidentally knocked into something on my way there, but i swear i wasn't that close and as soon as i got into the bathroom i just heard a commotion and turned around and my dad's guitar fell over, hit the mirror, the mirror hit ??? and shattered

specifically into two pieces, one kinda small, i could have probably fit it into a cardboard box, but the other piece was too big and i would have had to break it up somehow without getting more glass everywhere and i could already see what looked like glitter all over the carpet so i said fuck that

i ended up having to get two very thick trash bags to bag it up and carefully transport it downstairs and all i could think was, "please don't let this fucking mirror cut through this plastic anymore than it already has (because it had a little) and end up slicing my hand up real bad and then what? i probably have to drive myself to the nearest walk in because no one else is here right now and it would take too long for an ambulance to get out here, plus..........expensive so...be careful!!!"

the whole ordeal ate up an entire hour of my fucking day because i had to just sit and stare at it for about half an hour before i could even clean it up, i just froze

then all the transporting it downstairs and getting it outside with the other trash and texting our family friend who hauls the trash off for all of us to let him know to be careful with it, yeah

it hasn't helped that i've somehow gotten behind on part of my work and my inbox lately has been consistently in the 200+ range and i keep finding all these stat referrals that aren't marked even though everyone literally just got an email the other fucking day to make sure those are marked but nope!! so now i feel pressure to get through as many of them as i can so needless to say my work days lately have been thusly:

i get up at 6:30 am. i do a little work. sometime around 7:30 i go lie back in bed for about an hour before i get up to get the dog up and take him outside and feed him his breakfast.

while he's eating i do the dishes and sometimes will get the trash all gathered up and set out to be taken off. i also feed the cat and check to see if he needs anything, any litter or water or whatever else.

sometimes i'll do some of my own cleaning, like my bathroom or start on my laundry (i think last week i ended up doing everything: sheets, towels, clothes, the dogs blankets and towels)

oh, i also give him a bath now every thursday so he's not stinky and it helps with his skin because his breed is prone to getting these little bumps so weekly baths help with that apparently

we'll go on walks throughout the day, too. usually whenever i take him out to go potty but sometimes if i get an extra bit of free time and the weather is nice we got for a little walk together

in between all of this i try to pop in to get some of my actual work done and on good days i do mange to scoot along pretty well. on bad days it's been kinda like how it's been for the past few weeks and i end up staying up until our records system literally begins to stop communicating with our patient scheduling/demographics system which means i can't do shit anymore. that's usually around 11:30 pm

somewhere in there i eat a few meals slowly over the course of a few hours and often don't even up finishing them because i've gotten the ick or they've gone too cold so i save it for later or just toss it out

i go to sleep usually around midnight or 1 am but again on bad nights it's like...almost 2 am. and then it's back up at 6. or my new favorite...wake up at 5 and then i'm not able to get back to sleep!

doesn't help that whenever i don't get enough sleep my neuromuscular shit gets a lot worse so i spend all day just lightly vibrating with tiredness (quite literally, it's just all day minimal shakes which is fun when all you do is type)

i would just take extra of my medicine but i lowkey got shamed by a pharmacist for refilling my meds too soon so....there's that

the last time i went to refill i didn't have any problems, normally the automated system will tell me, "hey, bitch, you can't refill this yet, slow down!" and so i know to wait a few more days and try again (unless i'm about to be out before then, of course), but that didn't happen, it just told me it would be ready tomorrow so tomorrow i went and evidently it was not eligible to be refilled that soon and it was just the way she was looking at me when she said, "didn't you just have this refilled [whatever the date what]??" which like...yeah, admittedly it was a little sooner than usual but like..........sometimes i just need more of my medicine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

pretty sure i was doing a lot of physical shit around then so yeah, i probably took more of my pills than normal....i realize i should probably just bite the bullet and contact my neurologist to see if he can up my prescription before my next visit in september where we normally go over that because evi-fuck-ing-dently if i need a little bit more sometimes it's gonna be a whole thing now

and of course, me being me, i'm like...apologetic, just like, "okay, well i can just come back another day, sorry" and she said, "well, we can refill it if you want to wait," which like....................why did you give me grief over it then?! but then when i asked about how long would it be she was like, "i dunno, 20 minutes or you can just come back later," which is hell to tell my autistic ass so i was just like, "uh, i guess i'll come back later..." which she seemed to be glad to be rid of me and likewise, so!

i went and cried in my car for a bit because once again just frustrated that i felt humiliated over that because it wasn't that deep, but it just kinda reminded me of high school and how i purposefully avoided going to the nurse's office to get my medicine because she was such a fucking asshole to me (she was the one who after i asked if my dad could come pick me up because i was sick started grilling me on my condition to which her conclusion was, "so, what, are you going to stay in bed for the rest of your life or something?" with just pure hatred in her voice, i literally didn't have an answer for that. she did not last long as the nurse, surprisingly! she was very unpopular, i can't even imagine the other fucked up shit she probably said to my classmates)

but yeah, just...hey, i need this to literally function. i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not trying to make your job, that i know is already very hard, any harder. i just want my goddamn medicine. i just walked through over-stimulation city and am going to do it twice today (it's costco btw and the pharmacy is alllllll the way in the back), just......please do not give me a hard time about this for the love of god

also, if you're wondering, "gee anna, i'd just switch pharmacies if i were you, that sounds like a lot of hassle!" yes, i have considered that, but you see............my job's got me by the balls on this one. in the past couple of years they've introduced their own pharmacy and technically...........technically i'm supposed to be filling my medicine with them.

there's literally a clause about like, "don't you fucking dare fill [my type of medication] with anyone but us!!" but like......somehow i've managed to make it this far without them noticing??

and costco themselves have just sort of made it work?? because i think my original script was actually for a larger supply, but i guess if i got that filled it would force me to use my work's so costco just fills it to a lesser degree and somehow it flies under the rader. i dunno !!

but !! i've been using them instead of my work because from everything i've heard.....our pharmacy sux !!!!

i won't get into all of it (but like my mom has said some of her medicine with like...clearly what it is with her name and everything on it was left lying out where patients and god and everyone could see it....not great)

they also just make a lot of mistakes and i'm skeptical if they store things correctly so suffice to say there's a lot of reasons i just don't want to deal with it, it's also apparently hard to just...get your meds from them because of how they do things. so i really don't want to make this process any more challenging than what it already is, but yeah. a little bit frustrating, i guess

in addition to.....all of this, i also had got to thinking, "damn, i've been working a lot of 50 hour weeks lately, how long have i been doing this? a few months now?"

i knew it was around the time my dad was dying because i remember quite literally watching him in his hospice bed over the top of my computer to make sure he didn't wake up again and try to take his oxygen off

turns out it's uh....been a year now

right around this time last year i started working 50 hours a week.

granted there were a few weeks, especially at the beginning, where i would work one 50 hour week and then a 44 hour week and then 50 hours again and 40 back and forth like that because i was worried i'd get in trouble but eventually i realized no one way saying anything so eventually (and with a few exceptions, of course) i just started doing one after the other and now i'm here......kiiiiiiiiinda burnt out

which isn't surprising really, when i think about it

i was quite literally experiencing burn out to the point of serious thoughts about not being here anymore and engaging in self harm through my meltdowns so i guess you could say i was a little stressed last year but i pretty much had to try to put it all on pause and just...get to work in so many senses and i know i let a lot of things fall through the cracks. too many probably. but i cannot emphasize enough just how much i was breaking down and how hard it was for me to hold my shit together during that time.

i didn't want anyone to know it had gotten that bad, i felt like a monster and every day it's like i did something else horrendously wrong or said the wrong thing and sometimes i really did and sometimes it was just my warped perception of things and i started to lose the ability to tell the difference and it all just congealed into one big ball of stress

i spent a lot of therapy sessions honestly just bawling my eyes out because of it after which i usually felt better for a little while, but it would slowly build up again and again because i still hadn't figured out what works and what doesn't as far as self-care goes and what even are my needs and god this is all so fucking overwhelming and the spots on my dad's lungs just keep getting worse and he keeps getting weaker and my mom's falling apart and i'm falling apart and everything's falling apart, but not me!! never me, not yet!!

so i just kept going. and still am.

yes, i've had a few breaks and those have helped tremendously. i'm taking another one next month (bet you can't guess which week) and i'm just going to stay here, maybe do some cleaning on my closet and hopefully catch up on sleep

this, so far, is what seems to work

when i feel myself approaching my limit, i shut off essentially. i go into autopilot

i do what i need to get done, get it all done and then crash and recover as much as possible until i reach the next big rest (which is usually just a week at a time but i'll take it !!!) and along the way i just try to pick up different modalities of self-care and prioritizing my health and wellbeing as i go

like today, i managed to sleep in until 11 am. beautiful !! stunning !!

first time i've felt like a human being in ???

i took advantage of this renewed energy to put my efforts into putting together something special for my niece's kids.

unfortunately, their dad's father passed away earlier this week. sudden heart attack, apparently.

the younger one doesn't really have as much attachment to him, i don't think, but the older one is really torn up about this from what her mom has told us

he used to babysit for them a lot so he was a big part of her life. they were actually supposed to get ice cream that day because he promised it to her if she did well on one of her tests and she did but that obviously didn't end up happening

that's two of her grandfathers now she's lost in about 6 months and my heart is just broken for her

her mom said already that sometimes she just bursts into tears out of nowhere and when she asks her, "honey, what's wrong?" she says she misses my dad (which hey.......big same. the sudden crying about it and everything).

his funeral will be on monday which my mom won't be able to go to but said she wanted to still go up there tomorrow just to be with the kids if nothing else to give them some extra comfort

i'm staying behind so i can watch the critters (and because i don't think right now i'm up for all of that honestly) but i did want to send them my love so i took about an hour today to shop for some presents for them

i got them both these really neat stuffed animals (a dinosaur for the younger one because they're her favorite; it roars and lights up and everything) and a bunny that also makes a cute noise and lights up and they're both nice and cuddly since her mom also said right now all the older one wants to do is curl up with her blanket and watch her favorite shows

i also got the younger one some bluey dolls since that's her favorite right now and a little bracelet that looks like one i know she has and loves except this one has a little purple butterfly on it !!

i got her sister a really nice princess crown and this cool lip balm thing with a container that has some of her favorite characters on it so i hope she likes that and i got her a bracelet that's similar to her sister's but it says "don't give up" on it

mom's going to take them the gifts tomorrow so i hope they like them and most of all, i hope they help. i walked up and down the kid's toy aisles so much i think i was making people nervous with me being a single adult just going up and down the aisles constantly but i was really trying to put a lot of thought into what would cheer them up and give them comfort right now

after that i made a few more stops to get me a few little treats even though i probably don't need them, but they made me happy so...there!

i came home, relaxed for a little bit, took the dog for a walk/potty break, fed him his dinner, washed some dishes, took out all the trash, took a shower and i finally ate dinner around 10 pm

so yeah. been....pretty busy lately.

i think part of what's contributing to this particular burnout is that i just feel like i haven't stopped in....ages now. i just keep going and going and going and going

but !!! if nothing else this tells me i really need to step up my skills for dealing with, well, me.

although i reserve the right as a scorpio to close the door to myself for a while and emerge dramatically when i feel rejuvenated, there are...better ways of approaching things, i think, so we're going to work on that

namely i'm going to work on getting more sleep. i think that's one of the biggest contributing factors because i'm just exhausted all of the goddamn time and being exhausted leads me to being on edge all day long (even when i start out the day in an awesome mood sometimes, over time and as i sit there working it's like the life just drains out of me)

so we're going to work on that and we're also going to work on our diet. although processed foods have kept me steady for all these years due to their dependability and extreme convenience, i'm at an age where i really need to be eating a lot more vegetables and actually start cooking most of my meals

going to work on that and eventually the plan is to also start growing some of my own food because another thing too is like.....every goddamn product in the store anymore is owned by some bullshit genocide supporting monopoly entity so like......the less i can contribute to that the better, i figure

i also really hope to get to my closet soon because i know i keep talking about it and it and it's been forever but i just haven't had the capacity for it so it got put on hold but fingers crossed on my break i can at least start to chip away at it

which....speaking of stuff around the house, that's been another thing

it's becoming clear to my mom and i that this house, beautifully made by my father as it is, really needs some love put into it

the entire thing honestly needs a good deep clean, but in addition to that i'm pretty sure there's mold upstairs. i don't know about downstairs, but i'm 99.9% sure it's up here and i think part of it probably has to do with the fact that the doors i have that go outside don't.....close completely ?? heh

i may have accidentally fallen into them at one point and knocked them out of frame and no matter what i've done to try to fix it (mostly slamming against it from the other side like i'm a fucking football player) so i've done what i can to mitigate the slight crack that's at the top of the door but i'm pretty sure moisture has been getting in anyway so that's fun !!

those doors obviously need to be replaced and there's also a skylight in my bathroom that i think has gotten some water damage around it so that might be contributing as well, but that needs to be fixed, too

there's also some ceiling work that my dad had started on in their bedroom but didn't get to finish before he got sick so that needs to be finished and of course the water heater could still go at any time

the plumber was able to get it back to somewhat full capacity, but even still i've noticed the hot water runs out a lot faster than it used too, so that'll be something else

we also hadn't really realized until all of this with my dad just how inaccessible our house is to get into if you struggle to walk or need a wheelchair

we did what we could with my dad's chair and he'd hold on to one of us to get into the house while holding his cane with the other hand, but like that one night he was so weak after he fell earlier in the day and then all day at the emergency getting checked out, he nearly fell and busted his open and instead ended up collapsing in the hallway just inside the garage entrance and we had to call ems to help come get him up out of the floor so.....we really need to at the very least have hand rails installed at some entrance point of this house that'll make it easier (the backdoor technically has them but it would be a trek for someone with mobility issues of any kind to get back there to them)

the carpets all either need a really good deep clean or to be taken up and replaced with either more carpet or something else

and i'm sure there's more i'm not thinking of right now, but suffice to say, it's....a lot. and no, it doesn't all have to be done right now, right now but the sooner the better for some of them for sure

fortunately my dad left us some money that initially he said we could use for a trip but i think we're going to instead use to do a lot of this stuff around the house that needs to be done

in the meantime, i'm going to try to clean as i go as much as possible. getting all that stuff out from around the water heater really just makes me want to rent a dumpster so we can just throw a bunch of this shit away because honestly a lot of it is just junk at this point that's not even worth donating or giving to someone

some of it yes and definitely any clothes we find that are still good quality, but a lot of this shit i would love nothing more than to just chuck into a dumpster and feel like i can breathe a little easier because it's nowhere near hoarder level i don't think, but for my taste it's starting to feel a little claustrophobic

in the mean time, i'm also going to try to start reading more because i really did used to enjoy it and i think my brain's starting to finally get to a point where it's like, "hey, i can handle new information !! let's start learning again !! let's start reading a whole bunch !!" so i'm excited to start that

i'm still journaling and working my puzzles and spending time outside connecting with nature so these are all also things that i think help me out a lot that i intend to keep up

i also want to start teaching myself how to play my dad's guitar soon because i've always wanted to do that and i think it would bring me a lot of joy if i could manage to learn

i'm also just, as weird as it sounds, letting myself be more autistic, i guess ??

i hadn't realized until recently just how much i've suppressed a lot of stimming and self-soothing behaviors and how much better i feel when i just.....let myself do them

i've struggled with being perceived even when i know i'm completely alone for some time now, i remember even talking about it with my last therapist like a decade ago so this has been a thing

i used to even cover the vents when i went to the bathroom and would shower in the dark because i couldn't pinpoint why i felt like i was always being watched but just in case aliens or the government or whoever were secretly spying on me i was going to avoid them !!

anyway, hey, younger me, turns out you're just really neurodivergent, babe! like i'm starting to think you're more than just autistic, you might also have a decent helping of adhd, dunno, it's kind of slowly starting to emerge which is weird but i'll give you a for instance......i forgot to sign up for my insurance this year!!

i kept getting the alert on my paycom thing whenever i log in every day and i even checked it a few times and was like, "oh yeah, i need to do that," but just kept forgetting the second i would look away from it and anyway, the other day i get an email that's like, "hey, so you've been automatically enrolled in your issuance this year since you didn't wanna do it yourself :P" basically so i do have it, but what's my plan like ?? is it a good one ?? i dunno just yet but i guess we'll see. they're all pretty much the same at this point but i think i did notice it's a different provider so...woohoo, i'm slowly but surely collecting all the insurance types like they're fucking pokemon

anyway, shit like that's been happening more and more lately, but i'm trying to get a handle on that, too because i'm already in a big enough hole as is and quite literally cannot afford to dig myself any deeper so we're gonna do what we need to in order to be well and be somewhat healthy and get this brain sorted out and hopefully, eventually, i'll get to reach a point where i can put down a few of the balls i've been juggling and just kinda....take it easy for a bit

again, and i know i always say this, but i fear i always sound out of touch with reality when i talk about my life like this and so i want to make it clear i do acknowledge all of this could be much, much worse

my life is by far nowhere near as bad as it could be and in a lot of ways i have many things working in my favor and that are of great help to me, so i'm extremely grateful for that. i haven't always been, admittedly, but i've also had a lot of complicated feelings to unpack especially in the past year that made it difficult, but i've come out the other side of that now and i really do just want to mature and focus on growing and part of that is my gratitude for the things in my life that are going right and are immensely beneficial to my wellbeing

that being said, my life nevertheless still hast its challenges and although i blab a lot on here (probably more than i should) i do still tend to keep the majority or perhaps the intensity of how i really feel all to myself

i know there are definitely times that even i can admit that it's like, "uh, hey, the thing you're having a meltdown over really isn't worth being that upset about, it'll be okay........" because sure enough everything was/is totally fine and it's not a big deal, but it's hard to describe how in the moment it feels so much bigger and far more dire so what seems like a lot of dramatics and going through the motions on everyone else's end may all be for naught but like...it's still a tangible hell i end up going through that takes its toll on me, i'm just....used to it, lol

i've literally been getting overloaded since i was born and in some ways it feels like it's never stopped since then, the only problem was i didn't have an answer as to why until very recently so it's not like i wasn't doing anything about my mental health because i just wasn't prioritizing it, i didn't even know where to begin and my first attempt at getting help didn't even land close to what the real issue was so it put me off for a long time (to be fair, the therapy was also heavily focused on like.....my sister having just died, so that's at least part of why, i'm sure)

this really feels like the first time in either a very, very, very long time or possibly even ever that i've been able to just actually stop a little and catch my breath. feel like myself, my actual self. not the mask i've been poorly trying to keep together for forever now

a mask that part of me is hesitant still as i continue to take it off because what i'm realizing about myself is that a lot of who i am/who i've been was tied up in that so like.....naturally i'm starting to see a lot of shifts in the relationships around me and just how i think about myself as well and how i approach things

and it's hard because it's like.....am i being fair ?? am i taking everyone around me's feelings into consideration ?? because i'm so used to having to do that and tiptoe around and always feel like i'm walking on eggshells except my clumsy ass was just tromping through them anyway, always putting my foot in my mouth and saying the exact wrong thing that at the worst possible time and just hating myself more and more but not knowing how to fix it so i'd just princess caroline my relationships and focus on everyone else instead which makes people like you for that, but not so much the rest so there's this constant worry of, "is that all i'm good for? will i be replaced as soon as i stop being useful?" and not for nothing but like....it's happened before, so!!!

so....yeah. i've been unpacking a lot of things lately and just trying to sit with them and think about all of this and about who i want to be now and how to get there

the process is already happening and has been for about a year now, but it's a slow one unfortunately (and really all of this has been woefully too late, but that's what happens when you snooze, anna. you lose !!!) but like that asshole walter white once said, i am......awake, now. except instead of becoming an ego-maniacal abusive drug lord who destroys his family and everything he touches, i'm going to do...whatever the opposite of that is. in every sense

i hope i can grow into a person who is ultimately kind and loving and patient and stable and lovable and healed who has interesting hobbies like making music and maybe recreating some of the pictures she takes of the sky in the form of paintings if she gets good enough

as overwhelming as everything has felt lately i can also feel new possibilities unfurling in me and i can see so many roads and avenues i could go down in terms of growth and development and for the first time i'm staring to feel like i'm brave enough to do it or at least give it a shot

so that's what i hope for. that's what i'm working towards.

thee are going to be parts of me i know people aren't going to like, in particular my tendency to want to spend the majority of my time alone and with my own thoughts, at least for right now, but that's just something i feel as though i need to do and quite honestly, as though i've earned

in some regards, i've spent a good portion, if not almost all of my life in some form or fashion taking care of the people that i love. often in an emotional sense, but i like to think i've also stepped up to the plate in a lot of other ways even if i didn't do every single thing perfectly, i still at least tried

i think i've finally earned some time to focus on me and just me for a little bit.

not to say i won't help anyone with anything (i quite literally spend a good chunk of my time helping my mom now), but i can tell with everything in my being that i really, really need to just turn inwards for a little bit, focus on me, heal some more, mature some more and i think when i emerge from this cocoon i'm going to be....a decent looking butterfly!! (actually, i also hope i get hot. not like "oh, i buy these clothes or makeup or whatever" but just like...y'know, hot. when you invest in yourself hot, you know what i mean? idk it's getting late and i'm quite tired)

but yeah. think that's about it for now.

sorry this was so long, i've just clearly had a lot going on and have a lot on my mind and i like to just check in every so often to document where i'm at in this journey

wish it was a better update, but they can't all be good or we wouldn't be working towards anything, now would we?

i guess that's all for now.

a coupe of last things:

i saw a big yellow butterfly the other day when i was taking the dog out. i sort of associate yellow with my dad now because he loved yellow flowers, especially sunflowers, so whenever i see anything yellow, really, i think of him and of course butterflies are supposedly visitors so i think that might have been him saying hi, which i really needed

also, the cashier supervising the self check i was at today said, "you can use whichever one you want, darlin'," to me which made me smile a lot although they couldn't tell because i had a mask on but i said thank you and tried to smize as best as i could before scooting off to scan my items and get one step close to going back home

oh, and i started to cry a little earlier because on my way home i had to pass by the funeral home and in particular where i was sat at a red light i actually had a perfect view of the crematorium and right as i was looking at it i hear bert mccracken (who btw has apparently been pro-Palestinian for like a decade now so good on him; i knew i chose right in the divorce when everyone else went to gerard's !!) coming from my speakers going, "fill your lungs with smoke for the last tiiiiiime!!" and i started to laugh because like.....c'mon, that's kinda funny, but then i started to cry because i remember that day and then i just missed him but i also had to drive so we just shut that shit down and headed home and i still haven't cried yet so will probably do that tomorrow and some journaling. i think a big cry would help a lot so we'll see !!

as always, i hope if you're reading this you have a good weekend and can also get some rest from chaotic life and stress and all the other bullshit

i hope something good happens for you soon and that you also heal and can try to find some peace and comfort

i absolutely must go to sleep now so g'night !!! <3

#long post #just an update about me/my mental health/what i've been up to type of thing

[augustburnsredau]

Chrissy’s and Corroded Coffin’s Timeline

17 year old Chrissy Cunningham records, and later releases, an EP by the title of Brutal with five songs in February. (Including a cover of Mr. Brightside, which Chrissy insists on not changing the pronouns.) Each song is distinct and it’s clear she’s experimenting with how she wants to sounds. It doesn’t take long for the EP to pick up and the titular song is played on the radio for the first time just five days after the release. At the time of this release, Chrissy has been dating Jason for a year despite their ups and downs.

After much debate and convincing from her mother, Chrissy is signed to Creel Records on the 21st of that March. She is quickly pushed to search her notebooks to start writing and releasing a few singles, including Message In A Bottle and Crush, within a matter of months. Despite still being underage, she uses her money to by herself an apartment and quickly moves out of her parents’ house. She refuses to answer any questions asked at that time.

Corroded Coffin, having released covers in the past, finally drops a self titled EP of 6 songs the day after April Fools. When asked if the release date had any meaning, front man Eddie Munson says he lost a bet with his friend to release the EP on the holiday of jokesters but compromised for the day after. The band say most of the songs they’ve written are completely unrelated to their lives, though She’s Kinda Hot was loosely written about Eddie Munson’s ex-girlfriend, aspiring country singer Tammy Thompson. When reached out for a comment, Tammy did not respond.

Six days after her 18th birthday in June, Chrissy releases her first full album under a record label. Blondes consists of 10 songs, half of them with sapphic tones as well as topics like insecurities and suicide. Not everyone was surprised to find out Chrissy is bisexual though, as there were a number of fans who caught onto before the drop considering she posted three separate photos prior with emojis of the bisexual flag color on each post. This begins a precedent of her leaving hints to new releases and projects. Chrissy said in an interview that most of the sapphic song were completely fictional, but some of them were written based on what she’s experienced. She also said her experiences happened during one of the many break ups her and her basketball boyfriend have had.

Fast forward to September and Corroded Coffin has released a second EP, Nicotine. Once again they say their music isn’t personal, finding more inspiration in made up stories. Still, fans have speculated that a few songs have something to do with Eddie and Tammy being seen together a few times after their break up. The lead of the band reiterates that they don’t release any songs within a certain time of personal happens and they don’t write songs then release them immediately. “A lot of times our songs have been written months in advance. B Team was written a few months ago, Nicotine a year ago, so on and so forth, ya’know?”

Shortly after Blondes and interviews of the album release, Chrissy goes through a messy break up with her long time boyfriend and high school sweetheart. After how public Jason was about their breakup, Chrissy goes steps out of the spotlight for almost a year. It isn’t until an upcoming award ceremony that anyone outside her close circle hears anything from her.

#hellcheer #stranger things #chrissy cunningham #eddie munson #hellcheer au #august burns red au #textfic

[sinterblackwell]

mid-year book freakout tag

hello!! this tag is mostly prevalent on booktube and not in the deep recesses of the internet that is tumblr, but i feel most comfortable talking about books on this app for some reason, so i just thought that this would be very fun.

let’s begin!!

1. best book you’ve read so far in 2022

- echo by thomas olde heuvelt

2. best sequel you’ve read so far in 2022

i’ve been reading quite a few series this year so it made this question a little hard to answer when i first saw it, so much so that i literally compiled a list of all the sequels i read and tried to rank them in order of best to…least best. (it fell apart very quickly). this one is for sure in the top three!!

- castor (sons of the fallen, #2) by jaclyn osborn

one ☝🏽 word: dragons

3. favorite reread

- when my heart joins the thousand by a.j. steiger

4. genre(s) you’ve been loving/reading the most

- paranormal & fantasy

the thing about it, too, is that since i first read the monstrous series by lily mayne, and then especially after catching up to the sons of the fallen by jaclyn osborn, i’ve just found myself so immersed in worlds of fantasy and mythical creatures alike; it’s been very difficult to take myself out of that headspace and go back to real world settings, and that’s something that riding into 2022, i didn’t expect. i’ve always loved fantasy, and i have considered it like an escape for a long time, but now that wish for escapism has just increased tenfold.

5. new release you haven’t read yet, but want to

- a lady for a duke by alexis hall

this book came out in may but by the gods, it is a 2022 release and i will read it soon.

6. most anticipated release for the second half of the year

- raiden (sons of the fallen, #6) by jaclyn osborn

as i’m writing this, there officially is just three more days until i see the nephilim brothers again, im so hyped.

7. biggest disappointment

if i know a book is not doing it for me, i don’t really have any hard feelings because most of the time, i knew what i was getting into so i wouldn’t be surprised if i wasn’t vibing with the story. however, there’s this recent read i tried to pick up, feeling oddly excited about it just because i was in that kind of mood to take a risk and i….had so much trouble with the writing, it pained me so much.

a: the dead romantics by ashley poston

to this day, i don’t know what i expected from it because on the surface, i already knew i might not love the book and yet i read the first chapter and it was like getting my heart broken. and for what?? i have no idea, but for some reason, there was something about this book that made me want to like it and yet i couldn’t even finish it. it apparently made people cry reading and i’m one of them; but it was all out of bitter disappointment so alas….

8. biggest surprise

- soul eater (monstrous, #1) by lily mayne

i wasn’t in a reading slump, per se, but from february to april, i had been consistently reading up to seven books. not out of choice, but out of pure coincidence as these seemed to be the highest count of books i could read in a single month during this time. i don’t know why that was, but it just is.

this book, though, just as i had already reached the seven book count in may, made me completely grow obsessed with this series. the fact that it had five published books already and was still ongoing completely disrupted what became this expected reading goal and i love that.

also it’s about monster fucking. there’s really good plot and a sweet as hell romance for each book (moth & charlie, my loves) but again….monster fucking. a series where human survivors in a dystopian setting fall in love and have sex with monsters who entered their world through a tear in time & space was what pulled me out of my semi-reading slump….that was not on my bingo card for this year.

9. favorite new author

- lily mayne

i have to give her a lot of kudos for everything she’s done (see: above) plus!! her writing!! it really is pretty brilliant, she deserves the semi-popularity i’ve noticed from her books’ ratings on goodreads.

10. fictional crush

- junichi takayama from the lore & lust series by karla nikole

i am obsessed with him. if there’s one thing to convince you to read his & jae’s book (“the awakening”), it’s him. it’s this dominican-japanese angel who has a killer sense of style and an attitude to match. the fact that his book doesn’t nearly get enough hype….very disappointed.

10. newest favorite character

- mina rahman from a show for two by tashie bhuiyan

at first, i didn’t think i felt much about her character and then i saw her get guilt-tripped over things that weren’t even her fault and i realized at the point that i would destroy the world for her happiness, i mean—

listed: main characters who deserved better (and she does get that but all that conflict….yikes)

11. book that made you cry

- fragile remedy by maria ingrande mora

(see here).

12. book that made you happy

- café con lychee by emery lee

happy tears, y’all. this book literally had me sob in happy tears near the end, what in fresh hell is that about?

13. most beautiful book you’ve bought so far this year

- the midnight girls by alicia jasinska (x)

14. what book do you need to read by the end of the year?

- flip the script by lyla lee

this author’s social media presence is completely out of this world, like she’s engaged as hell when it comes to connecting to her readers and she succeeds at it. her promotion of this book, specifically, made me feel very excited for what this story has in store and then a booktuber’s (@/perpetualpages) review of the book (x) has me even more hyped. i have a copy of my own that i can read at any time so i do hope to pick this up very soon.

15. favorite book community member

- @/ perpetualpages

#❣️ #this took me two whole months? 😭 what is wrong with me?? #why do i put so much effort into things that is likely to only be enjoyed by me?? #have to spread the word about these books and this was still fun to write so maybe yeah it is worth it #also the key here to breaking past my procrastination was just talking about one book for each prompt #rather than trying to list five for each & every one like some disillusioned overachiever #long post #booklr

[ourladyofomega]

It’s the halfway mark of the year and for the most part ‘so far, so great’.

Let’s start off by saying that I’ve made at least eleven record-store excursions across Long Island and Brooklyn. It’s been nothing but fun. I waited four years for this due to money issues, the pandemic, and late tax refunds but damn it was so worth it. I’ve experienced the best unusual stock at Academy’s Brooklyn and Manhattan locations and spent two days digging through the unorganized heap that was Amityville’s High Fidelity. I’ve yet to make that 58 mile / 80-minute drive out east to Innersleeve Records but I know that’ll be an experience. I know I spent way more than I envisioned, but believe me when I tell you that I’ve really expanded my music library. I’ve caught up on alternative essentials, jazz / fusion, hardcore, punk and Eighties on 45’s, golden-era hip-hop, cassettes, and even black metal. I’ve also scored a few total surprises on the way. Followers of Our Lady Of Omega know when they see it.

Just like last year’s High Score Pinball Arcade, imagine my amazement when I learned that Smithhaven Mall opened up a real-deal retro-arcade of all those favorite Eighties and Nineties cabinets from childhood. Only there would I’d be standing next to one of my favorite hip-hop artists (R.A. The Rugged Man) and his two children playing the machine next to me. Or how about the time I attended Boy Harsher at the Music Hall Of Williamsburg in April and attended an unreal showcase for Sacred Bones’ 15h Anniversary at The Knockout Center?

I’ve finally met my Coney Island family for Easter after not seeing them for more than two years. Dominican Pete from the Brentwood era came to visit from Scranton after not seeing him in more than a decade; rolling up and getting lifted in my residence while we both listened to Musical Youth, Corrosion Of Conformity, (A Band Called) Death, Tears For Fears, and Pure Hell. That pales in comparison in seeing my blue-eyed ginger friend Candy, also from the same era. It’s been ** years since I last seen her, but a promise made to visit her family restaurant on the East End ensured we’d play catch-up.

My health has also been a lot better. Wellbutrin XL helped take most of the focus away from the persistent intimidating demons of anxiety, depression, and loneliness. All my focus and determination turns to my performance on the sales floor where I do have a couple of associates threatening to take away my attempt at winning the Triple Crown (most revenue made, most credit applications, and most tech support memberships). Vacation time has been more vital and precious than ever and I plan on taking shorter but more frequent vacations. My overall health is great to where I don’t feel nervous about it and that contributes positively to what goes on the sales floor. Consistent gluten-free snacks, dairy-free drinks, protein, fruit smoothies, and egg bowls are now my marquee staples. But nothing, or no one, has helped more than staying in touch with a Roman goth girl whose experienced everything I’ve suffered through. She’s taught me trust, to not be afraid of triggers, t.m.i., and bad news. She knows exactly how I feel and gets how I think because she’s been there like I have. She also got me back into Nine Inch Nails and Depeche Mode which I needed. No question that I consider her a most-valuable player, perhaps one of the greatest ever.

As for all things Omega, Omega WUSB is now in its 10th year and is currently having its most ambitious Summer broadcasting season ever. Ω+ is back to some sort of consistency, reminding me of how much I enjoy putting my heart and candor into it. Digitizing my 500+ cassette archive is well underway and I look forward in finally getting back into all the purchases I’ve been putting off listening to and reading.

Strikeouts for the first-half of this year? Not many. Not counting the daily rudeness, lack of courtesy, and forced interactions from the neighborhood muppet customers that comes with the territory of being in a toxic community. I missed out on celebrating WUSB’s 45th Anniversary and once again had no plans for the 4th of July. I can’t lie to you when I say that anxiety, depression, and loneliness are still strange bedfellows that still insist on living rent-free, but those lifetimes losses and misses don’t bother me as much so as long as I don’t think about them. I’ve been feeling a little bit more irritable, impatient, and impersonal when it happens with no thanks to my clientele. My all-time favorite ginger? She’s still on my mind. It’s a bad beat that she hasn’t stopped in as much, but the one time I’ve helped her out so far was total fucking heaven.

There’s still more work that needs to be done if I want to win the year. The job search has been on my back forever and I’m looking for that one extra moment of free time where I can finally start practicing HTML. Every day it’s a fight to maintain my personal and mental upkeep, and last time I checked I’m still that greyhound chasing that electric rabbit lure. Only by typing this out did I realize how good I have it so far. I’m not planning on losing it. By year’s end, I want last year’s full house of Jacks over 10’s turned into this year’s four-of-a-kind with Kings.

#personal #Long Island #NYC #New York City #omega #our lady omega #greyhounds #rabbits #poker

[suggahsweet]

Building a Second Brain

I am currently reading Building a Second Brain by Tiago Forte. While I have no idea if I will actually follow through on the main thesis of the book, which is to consolidate all of your disparate ideas floating out their in the digital world into one space and place, I am finding that his ideas are inspiring me and leading to some good conversations. For example, he suggests considering the questions that have followed you consistently throughout your life, your "twelve favorite problems" à la Richard Feynman. Here are the 12 questions that rise top of mind for me, à ce jour:

How can I live out my faith in a way that glorifies God? This question has followed me throughout my life through times of deep, naive, unquestioning belief, and times of turbulence and true doubt, but I'm glad it's still one of my main questions.

How can I be authentically me? To be honest, I don't often struggle with "being myself" per se...I am very me and probably too much me sometimes. BUT, I do feel like paradoxically as I've gotten older, it's almost like I know myself less. Reading back through this blog has certainly given me that impression. For a decade I wrote here pretty consistently, and for a decade it seems like I knew exactly who I was, and now, post-pandemic, as a mother but not-just-a-mother, and a mother of one at that when I always thought I'd be a mother of two, it's definitely more of a mystery than it was to my (over-confident) younger self.

How can I be the best mother? Funnily enough, I never ask myself how I can be the best wife (sorry, jnils...) but I do feel like EJ is "a lot of kid," as we like to say, and I never feel like I have it figured out. Like last night when he told April to "be better" when she was reading him a bedtime story. La honte! And there are so many areas to consider - sleep, picky eating, toilet training, school, screen time, behaviours - it never ends! So this is a relatively new question but it takes up a lot of my time.

How can I have fun? This is so enneagram 7 of me, but I feel like a lot of the time I'm thinking about how I can make the biggest adventure out of something, make life the most worth living.

How can I read a lot of (good) books? From getting Pizza Hut personal pans in grade school, to the Silver Birch reading events, to book club and Goodreads as an adult, this question has followed me throughout my life.

How can I balance my need for alone time to recharge with my to do list with spending time with the people that matter most to me?

How can I use my health stats (e.g. sleep, steps, heart rate, etc.) to optimize my wellbeing? This includes hormones, too! Which are too often ignored in the medical universe, which is very annoying since women make up half the population. But I digress.

How do I disconnect from my phone and be present in the moment? This question is always on my mind and I feel like the solution eludes me. It also relates to:

How can I slow down and single task and still get everything done?

How can I meal plan and figure out dinner each day and stop ordering so much takeout? (!)

How can I bring the most light and joy to other people?

How can I get myself organized? My eternal quest, much to my dismay and others'.

I'm sure there are more, but those are my 12 for now!

[eazy-group]

Lakeyta lost 125 pounds

New Post has been published on https://eazydiet.net/lakeyta-lost-125-pounds/

Lakeyta lost 125 pounds

Transformation of the Day: Lakeyta lost 125 pounds. After her daughter’s father passed away in 2020, she decided to focus on improving her health. Running and becoming Vegan are two factors that are key to her success.

Social Media:  Instagram: @fine_black_vegan

Hello, it’s been a little over a year since I’ve updated you guys about my journey. I’m still all in with my health and wellness goals. (I was initially featured in Feb 2022, and I sent in an update in August 2022.) I’m officially down 125 pounds. 

What was your motivation? My motivation in the beginning was my daughter. Her dad passed away in 2020, and I knew I had to improve my health. I was overweight and had to change. I was the only one left to love and nurture her. 

What inspired you to keep going during the tough times? What inspired me to keep going was that I finally was doing something I never thought I could do. I was choosing me. I was choosing to love on me and work on me for ME. It felt good. 

How did you change your eating habits? I changed my eating habits drastically. I became a Vegan in November 2021 and haven’t looked back. This has been the greatest decision I’ve made regarding my health. 

I am fueling my body with the foods it deserves. I consume a lot of fruits and veggies. I also eat different varieties of beans. I also eat bread, pasta, and rice—balance in everything. 

What is your workout routine? I’ve fallen in love with running for the last year. I’ve run a 5k each month. In April 2023, I ran my first 16k race. It was hard, but what I found out is I am capable of doing hard things. 

I run 4-5 days each week – easy runs, speed runs, long runs, and recovery runs. Running for me has become therapeutic. I’m training for my first half marathon in October. I’m proud of myself. 

What was your starting weight? What is your current weight? My starting weight was 308 pounds. My current weight is 183 pounds.

What is your height? I’m 5’6″.

How long did your journey take? I started my journey in November 2021. I’m almost two years in.

Is weight loss surgery part of your journey? Weight loss surgery is not part of my journey.

What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far? The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that this walk isn’t about perfection, but it’s more about consistency. I’ve fallen off a few times, but I don’t stay there.

What advice would you like to share with women who want to lose weight? My advice is to pray to God for strength during the difficult times because they will come. God has been my biggest help. I also suggest not to have an all-or-nothing mentality. Instead, be open to the ups and downs that come along with the journey, embrace them, and learn from them. Remember to have a health gain mindset, not just a weight loss mindset.

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[jreynoldsward]

Writing Accountability Post #28

No, I didn't go into the woods to write last week, though we did pick huckleberries one day and plan to go out again.

But I did get some minor stuff done--started planning The Cost of Power trilogy so that I can draft it out and do rapid release with it next year. I'm also going to do this with the Goddess's Vision trilogy.

Looking back on the week, it seems like there wasn't a lot that got done, but there was. It just wasn't all about writing words. In some cases, it was about editing and promotion. I lined up some advertising and did an interview, plus set up a cover reveal for Fabulist and Fantastical Worlds. I also did some research involved with the Cost of Power trilogy, and have scads of notes to incorporate into planning. Oh, if this is even half of what I have been considering, it's gonna be nice.

The other thing that is going on is that I'm now getting back to semi-consistent journaling. I'm doing it mostly at night, kind of a summary of the day. Of course I also get ideas that I need to jot down. Journaling is a good thing, because it usually means I'm ready to be poking at ideas and ruminating over drafting. I need it as a check on my progress so that I am on top of it.

What didn't get done is anything to do with Goddess's Vision, or Dragons of the Raven Alliance. With Vision, it's just a matter of taking time to make those notes and plans. I know it'll be like The Cost of Power once I get started with brainstorming--the ideas will flow, and before long, I'll be ready to start drafting.

Raven, however...part of the problem is just working out the dynamics. I'm not sure where I'm going with that story, and I have to redo the worldbuilding foundations, which will mean revising the foundational story but if that's what it takes for it to work, then that's what it takes. Plus I'm not sure if I'm serializing it on Vella yet. We'll have to see how that plays.

I think Federation Cowboy is going to be pushed back to an October release date but I'm not positive about that just yet.

The new computer glasses have made a significant difference in reducing my eyestrain--I somewhat needed them before the cataract surgery, but wanted to give my eyes time to adjust. The new glasses also have a blue blocker and that's wonderful. It really does make a difference, and the coating is also anti-glare.

One thing I have decided is that I'm going to ease off in August. I have been working hard and it's a good time to catch my breath. I want to plan and structure these upcoming stories and get it done properly, plus do research on new marketing and sales options for this fall. Additionally, since I'm planning two trilogies, I have the time to create a proper marketing plan for both of them.

There's also a bunch of non-writing, life stuff going on, some that I can talk about, some not. One that I haven't really been discussing is the world of horses. Mocha is declining, and it's happening quicker than I like to see it this summer. Now maybe the move to new pasture yesterday will help, but then again, she'll have a quick improvement, then further decline. Oh, she still looks good, but energy levels are fading. I don't know. Something happened with her in March-April, and she just hasn't pulled out of it. Nothing that required a vet visit, and when she did go for her routine shots and checkup in May, she passed everything with flying colors. But there was just something. Sigh. It'll be eighteen years together in two weeks. Will we make it to nineteen? Will she make it to her twenty-fourth birthday? I don't know.

In any case, I do a test ride on a new horse tonight. If he works out, Mocha goes on full retirement. And I'll probably do that anyway.

#writing accountability #writing life

[fizzingwizard]

so after thursdays work rant...

I went into work on Fri to discover that me and several coworkers had a choice of either no prep time or no break time. We are supposed to have one hour prep, which we rarely ever get, and one hour break. If a one hour break seems long, don't forget that we often use it to prep because we have far more work than can be done in an hour, AND that time is unpaid. It's just an unpaid hour of the day where we end up working anyway.

Prep and break time is divided into 15 or 30 min blocks as well which makes it especially difficult to get anything done. By the time you lay stuff out it's time to clean it back up. Also we have cleaning duties as well which can be as quick as 10 min or as long as 30.

So anyway. Friday. I'm at the end of my rope and I walk in to discover I'm with the kids constantly from 9:30-3:30, and again from 4-5. I have 30 min from 9-9:30 and 30 min from 3:30-4. It's the end of the year. I have a bunch of shit to do that I have been struggling to do because of consistently losing prep time elsewhere and our third teacher who is quitting using all her PTO in one go, leaving me and my other co-worker with her share of the work and less time to do our own. And our manager keeps adding new stuff and saying "I know you're busy but I need this done ASAP."

But that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the reason it happened this way.

The manager knew my coteacher would be out on PTO. She also knew that two of our teachers would be unavailable in the afternoon due to recurring commitments they have with elective classes. Despite this, she still allowed another teacher to be sent away in the afternoon to do training for the job she'll take up in April. Which leaves us already at half power in the afternoon. On top of that, Friday was a full-school assembly day. On those days, we usually have more students than usual because parents of kids who don't come that day will pay for an extra day so they can join in the fun. There's also a lot of prep to do for the assemblies as well as cleaning up after, and as much fun as they are, they always leave the kids extra wired because they are two years old and any change in the normal routine is a Big Change for them.

Basically assembly days are exhausting for teachers. And THEN, what happened was a teacher called in sick. So now we had two teachers just out all day, the one on PTO and the one out sick, two teachers doing afternoon electives, and one going to afternoon training. (That one is actually the same as one of the elective teachers, but usually she would be around to help for part of the afternoon and now she was going to be gone for all of it.)

The teacher being out sick meant I had to teach her lesson as well as my own. Also my coworker was going to sit in on another coworker's elective class because she will have to do it in April. In her case, there's no other chance for her to do this, so that just had to happen even though it meant she wasn't free to help out for an hour, making us even busier. In the case of the teacher going for training in the afternoon, I don't understand why she can't have done that training in April. If she's been a new hire that would have been the case, and she was going to be away much longer than the other teacher doing the hour-long training. Maybe there really was no other way, but if so, why was it scheduled on an assembly day and a day when there were other electives, AND a day when one teacher had already been given PTO??

Please, managers, don't assign EXTRA stuff on days when we're extra busy and extra understaffed to begin with!!! That really is what's bugging me so badly. Now and then stuff happens, there are unavoidable circumstances... I do understand that. I try my best to be a team player. But this has happened consistently All. Year. Long. Even my coworker who never complains said, "The manager doesn't understand what it's like to be a teacher." Other coworkers were encouraging me to talk to her about it and said "We're here together for the morning meeting and we'll back you up."

But I said, then, that I didn't want to pile on the manager over this, and that I didn't want to make the teacher going for the long afternoon training feel bad because it's not her fault in any way. Later I regretted not saying something. I am feeling unsure about what is my place to say and what isn't. I'm not a leader. I have been offered the option to apply to become one, but I don't want to. It's a lot of extra responsibility with no clear benefit, and I just watched upper management treat the two leaders who were here before like crap, so. Anyway, I don't know how reasonable it is for me to talk to the manager about her decisions. I've been operating under "leaders need to handle it" and "the manager knows things that I don't when she makes her decisions." But that really no longer seems to be the case. The manager seems confused and like she really needs experienced teachers to help her prioritize things. She forgets to tell us things until the last minute, and sometimes doesn't tell us them at all, like multiple times when students were added to our classes and we weren't told they were younger than usual. (Which is a big diff when kids are so young to begin with.) Her response was that we would be able to know by checking the attendance. Well, we did, we have to, because we celebrate kids birthdays and put them on the walls. But that's not the point. The point is she's supposed to tell teachers as a safety measure as soon as she knows so they they can adjust their expectations and their class routine if needed BEFORE the kid shows up. Some kids that little are really independent, others are totally helpless. But either way, they need extra attention because they don't know danger exists. We need to know to mentally prep for them: not just discover it on the day they show up and we're given the attendance sheet for the first time.

Well, that was a rabbit trail. But that's the sort of thing this manager does all the time. So I spent several minutes walking back and forth in the hall, trying to decide whether I should talk to the manager after all about the scheduling nightmare. In the end, too many parents wee going through her office on their way to drop off their kids, so I decided I'd do it later, forgetting I didn't have much of a later, lol. We got through the day, it was exhausting as usual, and - the teacher doing the elective training actually had to leave to go start halfway through our assembly. This meant that the sub helping in my class then joined that teacher's class instead to meet ratio. The problem: The only reason my class could have just two teachers that day was because we had an absence. If that kid had showed up, we'd have been over ratio. And if this had happened last month, we still would have been, because we had another student who stopped coming on Fridays only this month. So, if this had happened THEN (which it totally could have because we don't have advanced notice of kids absences), who would have helped MY class? The sub would have had to go to other class because they had only one teacher. But then my class would have had two teachers but been over ratio.

So what would probably have happened is one or two of my kids would have been sent to join the other class. Reason that sucks: The biggest reason, imo, is safety! It's just not as easy for a classroom teacher to remember and think about random kids who are dumped in her class from other classes. We care about all of them and we have their medical information posted in every room, so it's something we do if necessary. But we are doing it too, too often. And what I hate the most is having the extra kids for only a short time versus the whole day. I think some people think that makes it easier if they are only there for a short period. In some cases it's okay, like during lesson time because the kids are just sitting. But when more supervision is necessary, it's harder to think about the kid who just showed up a few minutes ago, isn't usually here, and will leave again in twenty minutes. But that kid NEEDS to be thought about MORE, not less. They are in a less familiar environment. The other kids don't know them. They are really young and even if they are capable of telling teachers when they need something in their own class, they may be too confused by the change in setting and not do it! So that's why I prefer to have extra kids all day long. Then they are on our radar consistently and we can plan the whole day around making sure they're taking care of properly. Don't just show up with them at lunch and dump them on the floor to play with toys while my coteacher and I feed lunch to our kids, clean up after them, wash the floor, take them to the toilet and to brush their teeth, help them pack up, fill out their notebooks... the many many many things we have to do which make supervising our OWN kids hard enough. It's unsafe. We're rushing around and can't watch the extra kids properly.

But the other reason it would have sucked on Friday particularly is because it was our graduation party. Which isn't much of a party, but my coteacher made paper mortarboards for each of them, and we practiced some songs, and we took lots of photos. If two of my kids had to go to the other class so we could stay in ratio, they wouldn't have been part of that. And I really hate the mentality of "It's ECE, no one cares about their silly graduation." We know it's silly. It's about celebrating our year together. Letting the kids feel accomplished and helping them set their minds on the next year. They're old enough now to be able to do that a little. It's also, yeah, for the teachers. We were with them all year, we worked hard for them to grow and we got to know them really well, and we just will miss them. I always miss my class each year. Each year I think "This is the best class I ever had." I know I'm just a teacher and it's about the kids, not me. But everyone WANTS us to make bonds with the kids. They want the kids to trust us and learn well from us, which requires those bonds. And then they want us to be able to cut those bonds like nothing. At least let me say goodbye, geez. Kids aren't factory-made and teachers don't work on an assembly line, fuck you very much.

So all this culminates in I was extremely pissed off and tired even before Friday, and Friday was just too beyond ridiculous for me. Although my coworkers seemed to feel similarly, I felt that I was the most bothered. Maybe it's because although several of us had limited prep/break, only mine and one other coworker ended up on duty with the kids for such a long time in one go. Maybe it's because me and that same coworker are the only ones who will still be here in April. It's also that time of the month for me and it was heavier than usual, so I may tired because of being a little anemic, idk. I'm still feeling shitty right now after sleeping for 12 hours lol.

Anyway. I didn't complain to the manager. I got no balls. But the teacher who went for the long afternoon training was actually let out early, and thanks to that it freed up 30 min of break/prep. The question was, for who? For whatever reason, it was given to me. I don't know if it was the manager's decision or her own, I don't know if someone noticed I was pissed off and suggested I needed it, because I wasn't the only one with a lack of time that day. When she gave me the 30 min, I tried to split it with my coworker who also had just 1 hr, but she kindly refused, maybe because she goes home before the kids wake up from nap and doesn't have to do the aftercare duty which is very busy. So I found another coworker with an hour and she and I split the 30 min into 15 min for each of us. So in the end, it really wasn't helpful, because what can you do in 15 min? But I can't just take the 30 min all for myself when multiple teachers are low on off-duty time that day. I still have so much stuff to do next week and am just crossing my fingers that somehow I will get it done. Before all this happened I was ahead of the game because I worked instead of taking breaks. But then many things were added to be done before the end of the term, and, to be fair, there are things I added myself because I wanted to do them for my kids. It's those things the company would expect me to sacrifice first, but for that reason I want to sacrifice them the least.

When the new term starts, I want to talk to the manager more when these scheduling things happen. But again, I really don't know that it's my place. But I also don't trust the new leaders to say anything because they won't be on campus and so far they don't seem to be paying any attention to what goes on here unless we report it to them. So it seems like if I, or the sole other coworker who is staying here, don't speak up, we will just have a repeat of this year but worse because there will be more students and almost complete staff turn-over. (Not to mention more understaffing!) But I can just see the outcome not being good for me. Maybe the manager will listen and change things in the moment. I do think she tries to do things for us when we point them out. But if I have to do it too often, I bet she'll get annoyed and report me as bossy and confrontational. And then I'll get told it's not my job to tell the manager how to do hers or something. In the end it won't matter that no one's batting for us so we have to bat for ourselves. It will just be my fault. Been there, done that. No one wants to take responsibility, they all just want to say "this was inevitable, suck it up." I'm nervous even to document everything in case of being accused of being overly meticulous or intentionally trying to find fault. But if this year sucks I will be job-hunting for sure, ugh. I'm more concerned whether I can keep my cool the whole year. It would be nice to leave a place I worked at for five years with a good report rather than blow it all up at the last moment.

#work

[pearlock6]

How 10 Fat Burning Smoothies for Weight Loss can Save You Time, Stress, and Money.

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Do you recognize how long you are expected to adhere to this diet regimen planning? When I obtain sick, I'm going to have to eat a great deal of spaghetti to stay on that consuming listing all the opportunity. Once once more, my body system is not able to do it. I think it's because of blood insulin resistance. Because Key Reference is something we don't really believe of, blood insulin resistance has actually to be something you have to deal with. But I strongly believe blood insulin resistance is one of those things that takes place.

#smoothies for weight loss #smoothie diet plan #smoothies to lose weight #weight loss smoothie

[relative-dimension]

“The Screaming Jungle”

Season 1, episode 23 - 25th April 1964

[id: Ian is sat at a desk and Barbara is standing next to him, holding an open book. Both are looking up from their reading, looking puzzled /end id]

Yet another really good sci-fi short story crammed into this era’s Doctor Who format and therfore not getting enough room to breathe. It’s very Day of the Triffids (or insert another 50s book with evil plants, I’m sure there’s more but I’ve only read the one). It’s also interesting that this episode and the start of the next position Ian and Barbara almost exclusively as the main characters - Susan has an autism moment and then gets harassed by plants for a bit, then she’s gone, and Dr Who is absent entirely, presumably so that William Hartnell could have a holiday (producing over 40 episodes a year he fucking deserves one). I would also like to take this moment to point out, as a chemisty student, that D and E are absolutely the fuck not elements, and it seems unlikely that any new ones discovered in the far future would have single-letter names, so god knows what’s going on with the DE3O2 added to those plants. Hope it’s not toxic or anything because you did just dump the entire contents onto the workbench too. Come on, Ian, you’re a science teacher. SMHing my head.

Is it an entertaining watch: 4/5, there’s a certain amount of not much happening at the beginning, and the scene of Ian and Barbara being caught in traps drags on for far too long, but once they’re on the other side it’s really fucking good.

Does the production hold up: 4/5, for the 1960s on a BBC budget, the moving plants are really really well done, especially when they’re grabbing the characters and the sheer panic in the acting makes what would otherwise be slightly silly effects work fantastically.

Does it use its time well: 2/5, like I said, it takes about half the episode for them to get into the main area of the plot, and then a bit more of Ian and Barbara wandering around and getting caught in traps. The final 10ish minutes is great, but I do wish that was the entire story.

Are the characters consistent and well-used: 3/5, like I said, Dr Who is missing and Susan doesn’t really get anything interesting, but Ian and Barbara’s dynamic is so good that it almost makes up for that.

Is there anything actually going on under the surface: 3/5, the themes are here too, although not as much as before. It’s more just me reading into it, but I think there’s a parallel to be drawn between Arbitan’s mind control device and Darrius and his hubris in attempting to control the plants, only to be overrun by the consequences of his actions. That being said, there’s not that much there, I think Terry just liked the idea of the plants killing people and went from there, and any thematic resonance is just a result of them both falling into the “mad scientist has a really bad idea” genre.

Does it avoid being a bit dodge with its politics: 4/5, eh. Nothing in particular aside from the usual way that Susan gets underwritten. I like that Sabitha gets to be the smart one who figures out the fake key. I dunno, this section is designed for the historicals and bad scifi mostly.

Overall Score - 20/30

#calling myself a chemistry student is very funny. im only doing the a level so i dont spend my whole time writing coursework essays #tbf wrt the lab rules thing this is biology maybe they run things differently when ur a mad scientist too #dw #doctor who #dw review #first doctor #ian chesterton #barbara wright #susan foreman #16-20 #season 1