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psychelis-new · 1 day

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do you think things would be more enjoyable if we didnt have the internet in todays world? every time I try to interact either someone shits on me for something that wasnt even wrong in the first place or in general theres just some very overreactive people on these platforms. personally i think older generations had it mildly better bc people werent trying to make themselves known online and instead they put real effort into things instead its like everh other person is a wannabe internet star and instead of people having real characters or personalities online theyre either a brand name or some type of idfk channel name

its like folk expect every response to be received well all the time or to be agreed on for everything they ever say online and if we dont then again we get shitted on for it which also makes it much less fun to partake in these varying subjects on multiple platforms that are supposed to be harmless fun for everyone to join in on discussing

the problem is social media is shoved everywhere and we cant not use these devices or platforms and if you dare ask questions on both tumblr and reddit its like its a shame if its the wrong sort of question to ask so i have to find another blog thats more suited for such questions or people rudely tell you to google it and so on without making extra effort to explain sometning if you dont exactly know what it is. even on reddit ppl have harassed me into deletion even if all i was doing was venting about shit and so i gave up on that site tried tumblr again but its not much different it seems and i tnink even tarot readers sometimes take it too literally or seriously as well thus making it less fun for others to take part

kids nowadays alsl wont ever know how much freedom we had compared to them as kids when we were completelt away from the internet and phones were barely big enough to text on so you couldnt even write a paragraph to people but kids nowadays they practically grow up online thus theyre more likely to find offence when there isnt one to find compared to older generations

yet we need these devices for communication but i feel like society cant really communicate well anymore or its so one sided bc its not face to face communication or usually its someone else trying to need something from others for their own selfish reasons. idfk social media feels more lkke being back in school but worse bc its anonymous practically and theres no conseuquences anymore u basically often have to admit defeat as well bc so many ppl act like they in the right when they can also be wrong or if something really isnt that deep, i also find the things i used to enjoy even music or basic hobbies is becoming either not my style anymore bc of social media or in general people making dramas about shit i dont care about makes music less fun and more toxic

ik u arent a kpop blog but i think something like kpop mightve suited older times better where the idols didnt have to receive so much backlash for every small and minor things but even music groups feel so formatted and less room for error lets put it that way or soon as one group does something mildly wrong people witch hunt that group or idol to no end. its like every other hobby or interest i have seems to always have a toxic one opinion fits all or one reaction for everyone type mentality and its really restricting and unhealthy imho. it always seems tl be about generating bs so people react to bs and from then on its like an endless chain of toxic dump until the next load of bs comes along

i unfollow more blogs than i can count bc of the misinterpretation of words and so on or in general if i find tnem to be too dramatic about things that really arent an issue but they made it an issue like the obsession people or kpop fans have with idols fs and so on. the internet is a toxic waste site at this point but theres no escaping it bc of how much we all need and use the internet as though its replaced our own ability to think freely. then the fast overconsumption of digital media in general is so unhealthy but we cant switch off from it bc of how normalised it is to need these sites and to need so much brief entertainment that does more harm than good to our dwindling attention spans and sites feeling more like echo chambers than safe places to find like minded people

sorry for my long rant but imho its getting ridiculous

Okay so woah. Where to start from?

Honestly I don't understand exactly what you want from me tbh, but I guess I will just try to give you another pov on your long rant and what you are observing/feeling? Not sure why you're here but yeah, let's see. :)

It's a very wide and complex situation the one we're living these days. The prev generation (not sure which one is yours but there are many different ones here -gonna consider 80s+ kids or so) grew up halfway between internet and running in fields, and having to confront others irl mostly. Not sure if this made them better though, just different (as times were different too). I don't think we can compare, and that's cause this younger generation had to grow up in a society where appearance and wealth is very important. Where you are judged and compared easily since you're born (or that's the main vibe at least) and everything moves fast: 1) social medias as you said, made us be reachable 24/7 and able to be in contact with everyone in the world, an occasion (or a "condemn", as you prefer) past gen didn't have [+ socials are the best and fastest platform (once there was only TV) where everyone -despite the market being now full and this making it hard to stand out from the crowd- can be seen and "get famous" (let's not dig the fastest ways you can, let's leave it as it is. As I'm not going to navigate too far how the increasing adhd has obliged people to rely on fast and short videos -eg. reels- to keep the attention span of those getting bored after a few seconds, probably out of an habit of being online)]; 2) online commerce: it really make us receive anything we want in a matter of minutes (think about lunch but everything really). And why all this is working so well? Because it's meeting a need of us: it meets the urgency we have to see results, be seen, receive, know, getting feedback (hence the misinterpretation when reading comments, which leads to misunderstandings and useless fights -sometimes we are also in a negative mood for others reasons and it may make it easier to others' misunderstand words/intentions -online we only rely on our ability of reading and it depends on our mood too and since I am here, can I suggest you to add some commas/fullstops here and there to make it easier to understand your words? thankies), urgency to answer/get answers too (fast reply/receiving means positive while if it takes time, it may be something negative for us -despite it's not so!). And when we don't get this, when we don't feel seen or appreciated (see haters or every slightly comment that is not "ily<3" -I'm exaggerating ofc, but please understand) especially in a short amount of time, we make it mean we're unworthy. We're bad. We won't be able to fit in in this fast world and we're gonna be left out and won't be able to come back in as it runs too fast. And if you're out of this world, you're out forever and will be forgetten (but it's just an idea we have). I think this is a feeling you are experiencing too to a certain level, despite being from a different gen?

This generation had to grow up with the prev generation's trauma on their back: the fear of the future, of not having a stable job that grants you money, of not being seen, of not being heard, of not feeling enough or worthy. This feeling of unworthiness is doubled because thanks to the internet there are more chances to be seen in the world, and if we don't feel accepted in all we are, if we don't make it now, it hurts x2. Not to mention that every comment one makes has a resonance that can potentially destroy anyone, even the person making it ofc, if they are caught (let's not dig the reasons behind hate, anger/resentment against others -generally still the same old lack of self worth and not being validated and appreciated by friends/family-, idols and such that take up the role of someone we rely on for comfort or to dream; someone that needs to live up to certain expectations; that needs to be perfect and if they fail, it makes some people feel better about themselves -online we compare to others either to feel better about us, or we just get crashed by fake lives and pics made just for the social medias: we forget people can decide what to post and how-; someone that, being a public figure, everyone has the right to know everything out of their life, to the point of forgetting they are people too -but it works for those nosy people to forget about their sad life, and that's the point of it all ig. Focusing on others to forget about us).

Back to youngers, let's suppose some reasons behind their behaviour (just to try to understand the bg, nothing else): parents usually worked 24/7 and didn't had too much time/will to dedicate them; maybe they were emotionally unstable people too, bc of prev 2gen having come out from WWII and similar situations too. Probably, this gen had distant parents emotionally, busy with job, not always paying attention to them if not for a little, but they were provided in other ways, and it may have created in them the idea that everything they want to do or have is right and they deserve to have it at any cost. That their parents can solve any problem for them, probably out of codependency and guilt feelings -for not being there-. And this acted also on the fact that basic human respect of others is not always present -whether it's idols or any random person they come in touch with online or irl-. I also think the internet offered this kids a way out of a situation in their family that may have been tough since early years. And it basically did the same for their parents, finding a new free life there out of their responsibilities and fixed roles, out of their duties even of taking care of their kids. So yeah, maybe kids simply learned to rely and internet and social medias and find comfort, validation and appreciation in it since childhood. Something prev gen couldn't do ofc: we didn't have this coping mechanism's chance.

Youngers these days (but not just them tbh, I think it's from past generations too), in whatever way they can, seeks others' validation, appreciation and acceptance, comfort and support. Something they probably hardly had from parents (probably got judged mostly). They probably just feel lost, but are trying to make sense of it all the best they can (with what they learned). Yk, if we get "pushed away" by others when trying to reach for them, we make it mean we're not good enough, we cannot be accepted, we have to be abandoned and we won't ever fit in. The internet, despite making us "closer" to everyone in the world, is also helping us creating more relationships based on the surface: getting deeper, knowing the other takes time, and we're back to the urgency thing (not to mention that getting deeper is scary, so everyone tries to avoid it)... And ofc it also helps us in not feeling too respectful of others as I was saying. But you said getting rid of the internet would be a solution and that you cannot see a way out of that system. I guess probably you're focusing too much on others and the outside, and not on what makes you believe so? For example: the fact that you feel not appreciated or not welcomed when venting online or asking a question, makes me wonder if you don't just feel lonely? I'm saying this cause of the asks bit you wrote: sometimes we ask others also things we could find online just because unconsciously we want to connect with them. We want a "human" answer. And that's perfectly fine ofc, but maybe not everyone will be able to see this. And we cannot pretend this much... we cannot pretend that others can read our mind or will react to us in the way we want (not saying you were wrong and others right: I have no clue of what happened, I cannot say. But I can say at times we want to feel accepted and seen as good enough and to do so, we may try to correct others/save others, and yk... not everyone will like it. It's not a matter of generations tbh). Also, yes maybe we have lost the ability to communicate, as communication is not made to reply, but we need to first listen and understand the other (while recently we communicate to reply and be right -it's probably a need we have again, the need to feel right and not wrong, maybe we were made feel wrong for too long and we need to be right and in control of things to feel okay and safe?), but... whatever.

I think right now you're probably too hurt by not finding the right way to communicate with others and creating connections, of being seen the way you want, to maybe realize that you can get out of internet and social medias and find connections irl still. You can do anything you want of your life and since you keep suggesting everyone should think with their mind, do it! If you need to get out of here, don't let the internet drag you back in and make you think you cannot do without it... or find out why you need it still. Cause it feels like you want to get out of it but only if everyone gets out if too... am I wrong? TBH a break, at this point, is what I am suggesting you to take, to help you feel better and see things from a different perspective (it works for me to ground again). Or maybe find an offline hobby that will keep you interested. I promise you won't be left out of anything important. You'll find new memes and people to connect with when you'll be back (and maybe they won't be so feral or you will just stop giving their words importance: they're still strangers, people you don't really know or have to interact with, you can let them be angry and still find your own safe place online. It's big here, just find what works for you and be happy. Just remember everyone has their opinion and it feels like they always have to share it, no matter what... get over it or keep sharing yours as well). One last thing: I am honestly really intrigued by the part you wrote about tarot readers not knowing the people behind the screens. What do you mean? Ofc we cannot know the whole world in person, but when you find your reader, they will know your energy. But ofc, you need to believe in this, or it won't work. ;)

I hope you will find a way out of your loneliness and not be so resentful against people that probably are just not for you. I think the moment you'll find out again what you want and what you are searching for, and reconnect with who you are and not what others are saying of you (indirectly, with their reactions to you), all the positivity you have within, you'll attract the right people in, whether it's online or not.

Oh btw, I honestly think the internet is still an occasion we have to make things better in many different fields (let me mention medicine, for example). I think humans are able to make everything they create to be great or terrible. It's all up on the use we make of what we have. If we use the internet to hate others or try to scam others, it's awful ofc. But if we use it wisely, to share good stuff, it's a great chance.

All the best Take care!

#asks #.

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lubotomies · 2 years

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I'm collecting those pointers for future reference cause I know I have been guilty of it in the past, so like any more you can give, even the most minute things is greatly, greatly appreciate and I thank you for those you've given already

of course! and i totally understand. when a community doesnt have space for minorities to voice their concerns these kinds of designs get tossed around and spread like a disease, and while thats not to say its a minorities responsibility to talk about it, of course not, a community that was made up completely of 13 year olds in 2018 when this design choice was most popular is just simply not going to know better. now those people are adults, still using those designs because its almost just. normalized. its everywhere, why should they alone be held accountable and be the one to stop using the design? its never been a problem before, theyve drawn it like this for years, etc etc. it becomes ingrained in the community and people have a hard time changing unless given explicit advice on what theyre doing wrong and im happy to help with that.

with that out of the way, lets talk about colors! tord is often associated with the colors red and black. unfortunately, so are the nazis. does this mean you cant use red and black for your red army designs? no. you just have to be careful with your design choice.

think of it as a scale, itll help you memorize it. the more realistic and militant your army design is, the less red and black you should use. the more abstract (think sci-fi, post apocalypse, fantasy, casual or whatever) your design is, so long as it doesnt resemble traditional military gear, the more red and black you can use. the militant design on this graph is still very iffy in the way it looks, as you can tell - because its still some what of a fascist design (note: this is why you avoid the caps regardless of color bc its still a symbol). essentially the less your tord looks like the leader of an army and the less he resembles a fascist figure, the more things usually associated with totalitarianism you can put to use (in this case being the color palette).

we can even take eddsworld itself as an example with this screenshot:

although tord is standing at a pedestal, giving a speech, evil smirk and all with the victory symbol raised up on both sides - you still cant recognize it as totalitarianism symbolism because of numerous factors. 1. he lacks a traditional militant uniform, instead dawning his casual hoodie. hes just tord presumably taking over the world. 2. despite the real hammer and sickle being on the flag, it doesnt feel like it given that the colors are wrong. communism isnt associated with red and blue, but red and yellow. 3. the stage itself is modest. theres no giant symbol behind him, no giant flags by the sides of him, just a small communist symbol on a weird red and blue background. it looks like hes giving this speech in the school gymnasium. it doesnt look political.

nazi imagery comes in layers. when you think of nazism youll think of things you might not even notice despite it being pictured in your thoughts. youll think of black and red, youll think of pride and giant symbols of a political party hung around every corner - ingrained into stone and sewn into clothing. you think of order and organization, everyone stands in perfect lines, specific salutes, a leader looking down at the soldiers at his command. you think of two symmetrical flags at either sides of a pedestal, a color coded army, executions, military officals keeping their hands behind their backs, etc etc. because it comes in all these layers, you can strip them down. the more and more you remove, the less it becomes a specific vision of a nazi army, and the more it becomes just abstract concepts. descriptions and definitions. its important to limit yourself with how much of these you utilize for your portrayal because when you start using too many, people start to connect the dots.

#ask #nazi mention

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vaguely-yandere · 2 years

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omg!! chami chami!! thanks for always taking the time to respond and write out such long, meaningful responses!! u really do spoil me sm!! :D

that being said OMG pls dont take what i said about being friends too seriosuly!! i mean, ofc i wanna be friends w you but in my mind i meant like. just sending asks every so often and talking w u kinda like how we are rn!! i dont need you to remember my interests or anything!! anything i wanna discuss will be put in an ask, like i have been so far!! the great thing about asks is that YOU as the author get to choose when you respond to me!! the only reason i brought up how you might recognize my username is only bc i feel a little embarrassed liking everything and then sending messages on anon, it feels counterintuitive bc i feel like youll just know its me anyways. but please!! dont feel pressured into keeping my likes and dislikes into account bc i dont expect you to :3 were friends as in: i send in my silly little asks and you respond when u want and if u want!! <333

also, luckily im actually really good at setting boundaries!! one of my friends said that the only reason some of the people back in highschool didjt like me was because they thought they could step all over me without me complaining. im really friendly but i let people when i have a problem, which surprisingly, a lot of people cant comprehend?? the ‘mature adults’ were nowhere to be seen LOL ig it was back in highschool but still.

on another note, i honestly love taking up space (when its appropriate!) but i really dont want to overwhelm you!! i do have a tendency to talk a lot and freely express what i think (which is like. 4892992 things all at once as you may have noticed) this ties back into the whole ‘you choose when to respond’ thing bc i can wait as long as i need to to hear from you <33 i love hearing about ur yan OC’s(?) so far!! also dw, everything we discuss is purely fictional and for our silly little imaginations!! fantasy purposes only!! i just wanna make that clear for your comfort :D also idk if i made it clear enough but i am NOT in hs anymore, im a uni student and over 18 i just wanted to make that extra clear so you dont think im a minor!!

ONE LAST THING (i promise i’ll shorten these asks in the future omg): i could be wrong but im kinda getting the feeling you run a little on the mean side when it comes to yanderes(?) which is funny bc im a little on the opposite!! like im imagining us in a room w one of ur yans and theyre like all kneeling at ur feet and stuff while they shake and cry while you degrade them and step on them versus me maybe patting their head and holding them close afterwards to soothe them…the whiplash…<33 i mean, i have a little bit of a mean streak in me too, but i would feel too guilty to be TOO mean to ur yans whereas i feel like you wouldn’t care about that kinda thing and just go all out HAHA i could be wrong lmk!!! but it’s cool to know ur love language is acts of service!! i think that was my second highest, with my top being words of affirmation!! could u tell LOL

- sunny!! <3

aaa sunny darling!! youre spoiling ME with conversation!! honestly, answering asks is significantly easier for me than regular conversation because my monologues are much more socially acceptable and it also just tend to take pressure off of both parties! so dont feel pressured to send in a buncha asks! i just respond so often and so quickly because i too have many many thoughts and many words in my head and typing them out is very helpful! like a journal! and thank you for clarifying you arent a minor and its so nice knowing other people who tend to be disliked because theyre very sure in who they are! i used to struggle with setting boundaries which is very odd because of my personality and now, because i look very idk doormat-y, ppl commonly think they can walk all over me (another reason i like submissive yanderes/characters! they take me seriously from the start without turning me into a mother figure and dont have a weird complex that prevents them from seeing me as a fully functioning adult)

i also love talking a lot and taking up space when appropriate! ironic because i have agoraphobia dkajhfad but its also nice meeting ppl who are very much like me :33! and use yanderes and darker writing as a release from reality or just a nice fantasy instead of using my ideas as examples which has happened before because im pretty talented at writing horror or disturbing or niche things! twas not fun realizing the fanbase you gathered didnt understand the reason why you were writing the things you were writing!

also, dont shorten your asks!!!!! they took away the word limit on them for a REASON!!!! abuse your lack of a word limit to the fullest extent!!!

i do kinda run on the mean side when im being dominant, it kinda makes me feel a bit bad because i have issues even being fake mean but i just love humiliating my yanderes! seeing them get all red, teary eyed, its just so cute (i say that a lot lol)! besides, its so fun knocking them down a few pegs (sometimes with pegging for comedic sake) via some spanking, a slap, and a healthy dose of degrading! with a healthy amount of consent checks as well and soft stuff to balance it out <3 but i think it would be so funny seeing, say, the sensitive yandere having two darlings (the poor thing can barely handle one!!) where one is fairly mean and very degrading, teasing them for their issues controlling themselves, making fun of how red their face is, overstimulating them a bit and then getting passed to darling two who gently cleans them up and kisses away their tears and coos praises to them! their head would be spinning!

which i guess is also the allure of predatory darling! an aggressive side and a gentle side! perfect for everyone! <3

#sunny darling #darling #asks

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radikylie · 5 years

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Last night I called out my conservative/religious coworker and asked her if she really thought gay people were going to hell. She basically said that she thinks it is a sin but that shouldn’t matter as long as her actions are always good to people regardless if they’re gay or not. In her mind, there was nothing wrong with that, but we work with teenage girls about half or more identify as some type of sexuality and they are so impresssionable!! We debated about scriptures and rules; she doesn’t eat pork or shrimp bc the Bible says not to so I asked her if she’s wearing cotton polyester blends and she was like well I don’t follow all the rules...and I was like then why does it matter about gay people!!! Jesus came and was like just be loving bruh!! And she really said that there’s a part in the New Testament that’s like homosexuality is a sexual immorality. I said you can’t choose to ignore or move past people being gay, that’s not like disagreeing with someone on liking chocolate, that’s ignoring/invalidating an integral part of who they are.

And I have no idea how I confronted her so gracefully (well i still cried bc I cry about everything) but I really was like wow that’s disappointing and heartbreaking and we can’t be friends and that it’s going to be strictly professional from here on out. I also told her to never think we are ever friends in the future just bc in front of everyone else ppl think we’re great friends, and I won’t ever be malicious towards her but I won’t be as open or inviting either basically just neutral and professional. And I talked a little about my history of going to an extreme southern baptist church and private school and how awful that was and that my parents weren’t okay with me being gay and that I grew up hating myself. I told her I would catch myself having genuinely sweet moments with her and then have it be completely soiled by the fact that I’m p sure she believes that gay people are going to hell (she told students this 2 years ago and got in trouble for it).

But what really got her shook tf up was me being like, I see you with our girls they’re (13-16) and how much they love you and I just think if only they knew. And I told her that I would never tell them she thought that, but if they did know? Fucking devastated and heartbroken bc some of them get versions of that from their families. They will pick up the things that she says/doesn’t say, does/doesn’t do, and they will internalize it whether they realize it or not. And it doesn’t matter if your actions have good intentions sometimes you don’t even realize the things you do bc you truly believe that being gay is a sin at your core and where that belief stems from is a guiding principle in all that you do.

At the end, I said I couldn’t change her mind but I hope that she does more research on what other Christians say about homosexuality. And that I would love to be friends with her but I can’t be friends with someone who thinks that just me living my life is a sin. And then my girlfriend pointed out (thanks babe) that I should be proud of myself for setting boundaries and like wow I actually did that. I think this is one of very few significant moments where I’ve been able to set a boundary. I mean it’s still really disappointining how it turned out but I couldn’t do another year of not knowing if she actually thinks that and wasting time and energy on trying to be friends with her. All last year she kept trying to validate our friendship after I confronted her vaguely about it the first time to which she claimed she had a stomachache and ran away.

So ya that happened and I’m still upset about it. Like I have to live in the same building with her and pretend everything is fine in front of the girls and my bosses or my bosses will get mad at ME for causing tension. Like I got knocked off on my evaluation bc I was mad at her for a few days after that first confrontation. And they told me that basically they can’t do anything unless she’s actively like that with the girls and she just got smarter about not saying anything after getting in trouble the first time. Basically this job doesn’t pay enough for what we do and we don’t have many applicants for it so that’s why she’s still here. They also told me that I had to be the bigger person and that maybe it’s my responsibility to change her mine. It’s such bullshit honestly. But it is what is is I guess. I did my part so if she doesn’t want to do the inner work then whatever.

#about my religious coworker #im not religious at all #i guess im an optimistic omnist #someone who believes that theres a little truth in all religions #but i also think abrahamic religions have been severely distorted by agendas and patriarchy #also i work at a college that accepts girls who skip high school and come to college early #so they live in a dorm but have curfews and rules and alarms set #and as an RA which pays for my room and board while my grad asst job pays for my grad degree #and we have more responsibility taking care of them bc theyre minors #this is my second year and my coworkers third year #i just needed to vent about it #tbh i feel kind of alone at my school bc all my friends are elsewhere and im living with the right side saying its a sin #and about half the campus are like radical kweers #i already got rumors that im a terf so #and uh ya thanks 4 reading hope u have a goodnight #personal

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zombieratt · 4 years

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Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

#dear evan hansen #deh #connor murphy #evan hansen #zoe murphy #musicals #broadway #deh rewrite i guess?#this is more like the outline of a fic i’ll never write #kd.txt #i was posessed to write this #tree bros

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chrobinrickhen · 5 years

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shit that happened

tw for child abuse, beating, physical assault, minor transphobia etc ///

my parents have been abusive to me my whole life. from things starting small with my mom treating me as her spouse and talking to be about things a parent shouldnt talk about with their as young as 3 year old child during times she was in fights with my dad, to while i was younger primarily beating me for simply crying at things (mainly in public places), the total and complete gaslighting of my abusive 5th grade teacher (which was somehow far worse than them lol) etc. however, they never seriously beat me before, as in, all out beating me up with continuous punches kicks and thrashing.

my mom would frequently slap me in the face or punch me once in the back at times as of recent during my years in high school where i struggled to my near (literal) hospitalization and death from mere over exhaustion and stress (i averaged less than 4-5 hours of sleep for all 4 years and my senior year i nearly didnt sleep At All) during my senior year my dad even threatened to kill me during one of my parents outbursts against me simply trying to reason (more like beg! lol!) for them to help me drop out of school because it was destroying me and was more and more traumatizing literally every day and they thought they were justified because “i was so close!” “youve already suffered for so long may as well stick it through!” despite my therapist and psychologist doing the best they can to tyr and get me out. my parents have punched a whole in the wall, thrown and broke things, (thankfully not at me) and simply just been physically threatening with destroying things important to me and my belongings.

however, after i graduated. and after i was diagnosed with ptsd. and after they seemed to become more understanding and learning from their mistakes i thought they were genuinely open to becoming better people and challenging themselves to listen to me and others.

this incidence proved that wrong.

itd been 2 years give or take i genuinely dont even remember what year i graduated lol since he threatened to kill me. i thought they changed and genuinely had formed trust with them that was slowly growing. and then somehow or another the topic of asylum seekers, ice, and the current concentration camps came up, to which my parents responded with some of the genuinely most vile words ive ever heard people say to my face. i dont even want to try and repeat it here bc im pretty sure you can get the idea. i calmly tried to talk to them, they started to scream, i went up stairs. they continued to shout horrible things to me, that again, im skipping over for my own wellbeing bc it isnt exactly fun to recount. something something “you havent sufferred through shit” she said to me at one point. yes, your child who has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, depression, panic disorder, ptsd, ocd, eating disorder general symptoms, a survivor of school abuse spanning my whole life for not being neurotypical and cishet, and a pending diagnosis for adhd, TOTALLY has not suffered.

anyway, i wanted to die. what they said to me, was so horrific i really just, wanted to die, i kind of lied about it on twitter saying im not actually suicidal dont worry but i highkey was and i dont wanna try and cover that up again. i just didnt want anyone to worry (IM OKAY NOW AND NOT SUICIDAL DONT WORRY this if anything was a good lesson for me to learn) anyway, i told them this. i knew it was kind of shitty and guilty but all i asked of them. is that even if they cannot agree with me, if they would at least care to listen to why this is wrong and accept that they dont know everything like they are convinced they do and yet accuse me of claiming i myself am.

i texted them, that long thing, telling them how i would stay in bed and not eat or drink (for context my sleep schedule was fucked the two days prior and i barely had eaten or drinken) my memory is fucked and i would have to check with my therapist if im confusing this with another instance bc im pretty sure the beating happened the day the argument did but i also remember staying in bed for mulitple days? but anyway thats not important fhdiujng so. they came to me and started screaming shit at me. again. horrible shit. their response to their child saying “im suicidal and would rather die than you be my parents any longer if you refuse to listen to why these people deserve to not be put in cages and die” and their reaction was not concern but screaming, insults, calling me a monster, a puppetmaster (the irony) and I DID NOT. SAY. A WORD. TO THEM. I DID NOT MOVE> i was. completely. still. the entire time. i was weak. i was sick. Literally from dehydration and starvation. and because i did not answer them back they jumped ontop of me and my mom beat the shit out of me and chokeheld me, my dad then also did the same even though he did not hit me, he came close to strangling me before leaving the room. i was swollen and bruised all over including my face it was super visible for whatever reason but my body hurt like a motherfucker for over a week since that happened. i just cried when they left

then an hour later after htey beat me they came up and starting their baby uwu act of “i dont want to fight just go shower and come down and eat your dinner blablabla you know we love you rihgt?” and forcing me to apologize to them whenmy mom literally beat me, my dad screamed in my face with his nose to mine to and they helf my neck in their hands with the intent to cause physical harm to me.

proceeding this the aftershock of trying to process what hat happened was just. a lot as you can imagine. i was so paranoid and uncomfortable the week preceeding this just being aorund them hearing their voices literally everything about my house and them living in it was horrifying to me. my therapist helped me a lot and im ok now but like. they proved to me that they really just cannot be helped. theyre a lost cause. at this point to me, the only thing they are are a financial source to cover my transition and im left with no choice but to force myself to play the puppet. i tried to do a mix of both working with and against them before and it blew up in my face. it sucks but thats what it is and as long as obey their shitty asses ill be fine. i dont know where my future will go but i know and pray that it cannot and will not be with them. the moment i am away from them and my belongings are not in their possession they no longer exist to me unless they genuinely will accept the fact theyre the 2nd reason my ptsd exists.

tl;dr my parents suck and im forced to play their child puppet in order to literally survive their love of me is toxic and based on a false perception of what a child is supposed to be and i regret not calling child protective services on them whe n i had the chance

#child abuse #abuse #tw child abuse #tw abuse #tw violence

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vinegarcoffin · 5 years

Text

bc i have an actual crush now and he’s somebody i actually see irl, i am being Very Careful to act like a normal person around him (that is, not like an obsessive violent person who has too many positive strong emotions about him that naturally lead to strong protective instincts and an overwhelming obsession with both his wellbeing and being around him).

we saw each other a few days ago, we went to a metal concert to which I’d invited him (the times we meet up are largely based around him inviting me to do things relevant to his interests and me inviting him to things relevant to mine). we happened to be standing very close to where the mosh pit had broken out and idk if any of you know this but at concerts where mosh pits happen, those partaking in the pit will very often shove not only each other but the people on the perimeter of the pit, meaning you’re not necessarily safe if you’re not in the pit. we happened to be standing there and somebody happened to shove him (granted it happened to me as well but it did happen with him as well) and of course i caught him and helped him up and i felt absolutely no desire to exact vengeance on the person who’d done that. i don’t feel proud of myself for that bc of course thats not a normal reaction, am i congratulating myself on not having irrational responses, but also its a bit reassuring to know that the expected yandere response of “i will punish you for this minor and understandable transgression against senpai” does not seem to occur to me. although i did feel a heightened sense of protectiveness and making-sure-he’s-okay after that and i am a bit proud to say that i WANTED to say “don’t worry, i can and will protect you and i’ll make sure that does not happen to you again” but DIDN’T say that bc. i think that would’ve been creepy, out of nowhere. would it have been? i think it kinda would have been. also mightve made him feel a bit patronized had i said that. like i thought he was completely incapable of looking out for himself in a relatively normal environment. is a concert with a mosh pit a normal environment? i dont know. one thing that was funny was his reactions to the chaos that takes place at metal shows because it made me realize how wild these things often get and how strange my “normal” is.

i still did get satisfaction from the fact that after the little shoving incident i was able to remain vigilant and make sure that, if someone was going to shove in our general direction, i’d just step in front of him. the chance to do so didn’t arise but hey who knows. maybe it will at some event in the future, i’ve learned from my mistakes, i know how to be properly protective. also speaking of protective and my conduct towards him, i always bring earplugs when we go to concerts together, and i do so specifically for him because at this point im accustomed to the volumes at which the bands play but hes not and i just happened to have earplugs onhand the first time we went to a show together so i was like “oh that’s good” but now anytime this happens i specifically make sure to bring earplugs for him and it’s one of those things where i know im doing this For Him, just another thing done out of excessive concern and feeling for him, idk if he really thinks of it in terms of me bringing earplugs for him but i always ALWAYS have them and i just hand them to him before the show starts and it’s just sort of an acknowledged thing that i bring him the earplugs. i dont think i’ve expressed to him that i like taking responsibility for others and their wellbeing even in small ways like this but i like doing that. especially if its someone i like. we havent known each other all that long (we only first met last summer i think). theres a lot we dont know about each other. yet.

we hung out after the concert - we didn’t really do anything, we just sort of walked and talked together and that was my absolute favorite thing. we talked about shit, some of it deep, some of it trivial, some of it personal. we told each other things about ourselves. every time he opens up to me in any way whatsoever it makes me so happy because even if what he’s talking about is unfortunate im learning more about him as a person and hes giving me more of himself and it means he either trusts me or he feels comfortable saying certain things no matter who hes saying it to and either of those things makes me happy. the former happy for me and for him, the latter just for him. and i told him some stuff about myself as well. a little bit of what we said was new information. a lot of it was just building on things we’d said in the past. i wont get into it because i like him too much to just say shit he’d told me presumably in confidence. i mean i respect basically everyone enough not to talk about their personal stuff but especially i wouldnt repeat his information. but he said things i understood and related to and i told him about why specifically. these are lessons in personal history. i stayed out til 2 AM with him and didnt even realize it. id have stayed out longer if i could have. i knew id have to go home at some point. but every time we have to go back to our respective homes, it still makes me happy because i know it’s good that he goes home, he needs to sleep n stuff, and im happy that i got the time that i did get. I want to be around him a lot. I want to be around him all the time. I know of course I can’t. I don’t get jealous of anyone or anything because I know that he has a life and I’m glad he does and im glad hes doing things he needs to be doing (school and work and that) because even if theyre stressful or if he would rather not be doing them, he still needs to, so im glad hes doing what he needs to. is weird to be happy that someone is just living their life and maintaining their responsibilities and stuff? is it weird to feel joy over the fact that someone is doing things beneficial for themselves even if those are just extremely normal everyday things? is that weird? is it weird to be that much about a person? yeah I guess it is but then again im weird. and im love or something very much like it. so thats how it is.

#vinegar.txt

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