#and we're just like all we said was we didn't want to live in the same condo complex as my husbands horrible ex friend?????

[hellodropbear]

like she used to (IV)

alexia putellas x sister chapter I, II, III

sorry this took longer! have been very busy with work and uni for the past few days :)

~~~~~~

Aitana has been suspicious of something all week. I feel her eyes on me during training, when we're in the locker room, as she drives me home and as I walk up to my front door.

But she doesn't say anything and I am grateful. Because if she did say something, I don't think I would be able to answer without telling her every single thing on my mind.

Nobody wants that. Not me, not Aitana. Probably not Alexia either.

So instead, I sit in the midfielder's car quietly, only speaking when she prompts me to, although even that has slowed down over the past few days. She was confused the first time I told her I didn't want to stop for ice cream, and I was grateful that she didn't ask again.

"you're sure? You've never refused ice cream before, lena!"

All I could do was shake my head, keeping my eyes focused on the road ahead.

I get home and I go straight to my room which is easy enough, considering Mami comes home from work late. I am supposed to be going to school, but Aitana doesn't know that and Mami doesn't know any different. She thinks I am there, and as long as I pick up the phone to my personal tutor in the evening, the school won't bother contacting my mother.

I shouldn't be skipping school, but I can't face going there and being asked all those questions about how great it is to be training in the first team, to finally have broken through into a squad that I would hopefully play with for most of my career.

But it isn't great, not really. My life has become a game of hide and seek, escaping rooms that my sister enters, too afraid to even face her.

I am not scared of her, more of what she will say. I am barely coping as it is and anything she says will just make it worse. It is best to just leave her alone, keep my distance.

And I think she thinks the same. She said she was going to take a step back, after all.

Not that is has been any different from before she took that step back. Her back was already against the wall, on the other side of the room from me. Any further and she would leave my life completely which does not seem possible, considering we play for the same club.

But I wish she wasn't so far away, I wish that I could just reach out and grab her attention, for her to know that I needed help without even having to ask.

And it hurts me, more than I'd like to admit, that her friends know exactly how to make me feel better, to make me feel valued, worthy. But she is just there, like a fly on the wall, always watching but never doing anything.

Even the more clueless ones have started to realise that things are not perfect between me and Alexia. We are never in the same room together, I leave training with Aitana every day. It is obvious, we all know it.

So they don't push us together. They don't talk about Alexia to me and they don't ask why we don't drive home together, why she isn't the first person to give me a hug if I score in training.

They don't want me to be compared to her any more than I already have been.

Because on top of all the personal issues, there is a lot of pressure, being her sister.

'Will Elena Putellas follow in her sister's footsteps?'

'The younger Putellas - set to be better than Alexia Putellas, but still hasn't come off the Barcelona bench.'

I've seen the articles, of course I have. Nobody ever mentions it though, nobody mentions the pressure I am under, the pressure I feel to live up to the expectations.

Of course I will not score as many goals as her, of course I will not make a debut at the end of the match like a midfielder often does. It is a lot harder for a centre back to come on as a last minute sub. It is harder for a centre back to score so many goals.

There are feasible reasons why they are saying these things, but none of the news sites think to explore those reasons, exclusively focusing on the negatives.

I don't bring it up because I think that if I mention something even slightly about my emotions, every single thing I feel will all come rushing out, a tsunami wave that will destroy everything I have worked towards.

I have to be strong; I can't let a little bit of pressure overcome me. Alexia had pressure, and she was never swallowed by it.

Alexia was not weak. I can not be weak.

But it feels like the tide has been pulled back, brewing in the deep dark depths of the ocean, preparing to build and build and build until it all becomes too much, until it is here, a huge wave ready to swallow me. Too late to escape, too late to stop it.

But quelling the wave does not seem like something I can do.

The only thing I can do about it is play my piano.

It is thing I am most grateful for, my piano that brings me closer to my father, the one thing I have that nobody else does.

I may not have his memories, but I don't think any memories could match the connection I feel, just sitting on his stool, my fingers dancing on the keys that his hands once graced, the keys that we used to play together.

It was the one thing that we shared, just the two of us. Something that neither of my sisters or my Mami could understand. All they know is to leave me be when I am playing the piano. I don't want to be interrupted and they don't want to face the wrath of my anger if I am stopped before I am finished.

Because it is the only way I can express my emotions and the emotions do not stop coming until the song is finished, until there is a puddle of tears in my lap, fed by the streams that track down my cheeks.

So they leave me be. I want them to leave me with my emotions when I play the piano. But they also leave me with my emotions when I sit in the lounge room, staring at a blank tv screen, staring out the window at just about nothing in particular. I wish they would realise that I don't always want to be left with my emotions.

I wish they could notice that something may be wrong, something more than just the loss of my sister.

Because it feels like more than that. I have never felt so lost in my life.

There is just so much going through my mind at any one time and I can't let it out because once I start I will not be able to stop until my walls have burst and I am nothing but an empty shell of who I was before.

Everything I once was is gone.

Replaced by confusion, hurt, sadness.

And I don't know why, because Alexia isn't all of me, football isn't all of me.

I know it shouldn't be but it feels like it is and even though Alba is right there as well, and Mami and my friends from La Masia, all I can think of is the fact that my older sister doesn't want to be my older sister any more.

And I can't stop thinking about what it could be like, if it was still what it used to be.

~~~~~~

I spend another two weeks wallowing in my confusingly overwhelming emotions before Mapi decides to intervene, intercepting me as I walk towards Aitana after training once again.

"No, you are coming with me today, pequena!"

I didn't even realise Mapi was here, her rehab finishes at the same time as Alexia, an hour before training ends.

She beams and throws her arm over my shoulder, ignoring my disgruntled expression.

"I will see you tomorrow, ABC." I murmer softly, but both Spaniards can hear it.

They both think I am too short to see the concerned look they throw at each other, but I notice it. I notice everything.

Mapi guides me out of the facilities and into her car and I can feel her concern grow as she inspects me from the drivers seat.

"You are not ok, Elena."

Her words are soft but understanding. It surprises me how she could just pick it up like that, I thought it was less obvious.

I thought it was less obvious because nobody has brought it up to me before.

I shake my head, not trusting myself to say anything without crying, although at this point it feels inevitable.

"That's ok. It's ok to not be ok, you know?"

I nod and she continues.

"When you came over the other week, I told you to talk to someone, but I don't think you have, have you?"

I continue my vow of silence by shaking my head, my eyes concentrated on how my hands shake and fidget in my lap.

I am too concentrated on my hands to realise that my eyes have filled with tears, to realise that the first one has slipped out. I only notice when the fat tear lands with a splat on my thumb and I stare at it, my mind full of confusion and unfamiliarity.

I don't understand how I feel, because I feel sad, and angry. They are normal emotions, ones that I have always felt, just usually in a less aggressive and persistent way.

But I feel so... lost, isolated. I feel alone and that is something I am not familiar with, not at all. Usually, I would talk to Alexia about my anger and sadness, but this has been going on for so long, slowly chipping away at my self-confidence, at my happiness. Now all I can feel is the loss of someone. Someone so important.

I may be dramatic, but how else would I describe it? She decided she was too busy and threw me away, a piece of rubbish. How am I supposed to cope with the fact that it's all I am to Alexia?

We used to be so strong as a family, we were always there for each other, nobody left behind. But I can't help but feel like I have been, just a bit.

Mami and Alba love me, Mami and Alba are proud of me. But Mami gets home after I go to bed and Alba has her own life, her own friends. She doesn't need to be pulled back by her little sister who has lost the ability to deal with her own emotions.

It would not be fair for me to pile my problems with Alexia onto Alba. It would not be fair to make her pick a side.

Alexia could be the person that helps me. We have similar schedules, interests, personalities. She knew me like the back of her hand and I knew her equally as well. But I don't think I have ever felt so disconnected from her.

Mapi snaps me out of my daydreaming when she speaks again.

"It is not healthy to keep everything inside of you, pequena, so we are going to the beach and we are talking. I am going to force it out of you because I miss my bright little best friend."

She reaches over and wipes the tears from my eyes, awkwardly pulling me into a hug.

"Everything is going to be ok. You are going to be ok, Elena Putellas, because you have me."

I nod, leaning back into my chair and using my palms to wipe my eyes as Mapi turns the car on and begins to drive out of the carpark.

"Thank you, Mapi." It is a whisper, but she hears me loud and clear, offering me a watery smile before focusing her attention right back onto the road ahead.

The car is quiet as we drive to the beach, Mapi just humming along to her song.

Mapi has always been a big talker. She always says she finds silences uncomfortable and sometimes even slightly overwhelming, so she talks. She talks and talks at a speed that makes it practically impossible to register what she is saying, and the inability to comprehend her spoken thoughts is only heightened by the way she jumps from topic to topic, her voice only increasing in speed and excitement as she gets more and more carried away.

But she is Mapi, and Mapi always talks, so I got used to it, finding her chattiness endearing, she was fun, always happy.

Which is why it is so meaningful when she isn't speaking, like she knows that her words are fruitless and likely not particularly tasteful - they won't be received well.

She is silent as we walk down to the beach and as she lays her rug and pillows out, sitting down and motioning for me to sit down next to her.

She is quiet for a few moments, like she is debating within herself on what she should say and when she should say it, captivated by the way he waves crash onto the sand cyclically, the beaming rays of sun showering the crystal water, the first indicators of the imminent sunset.

When she speaks, it is slow and it is quiet. Her words hug me in a way that has been missed for so long, and I immediately soften; she would have noticed my shoulders relaxing underneath her arm.

"I remember when I first met you." Her eyes are closed and a soft smile rests on her face. "It was before I even joined Barcelona, at my third camp with Spain. I had heard about you before, from Alexia, I knew so much about you from how much she would gush about everything you did every time I spoke to her. In person, over text, she was obsessed with you and sometimes I didn't understand why it seemed like all she spoke about was her little 5 year old sister."

She chuckles, but I stay silent, still staring out at the ocean.

"But then I met you and I immediately understood why she wouldn't stop talking about you. You radiated this happiness, like a little sunbeam. Alexia got you from the barricade after a match, it was only my second ever appearance, but Alexia brought you right over to me and introduced us. You grabbed onto my leg and held it, almost yelling about how cool it was that there was another player to meet."

I smile. I have never heard this story before.

"And then the next time, you recognised me and I was so surprised, so happy. But you were also happy, Elena, you always were smiling, laughing. You would hang from your sisters shoulders and whack her on the back, swinging around in her arms and laughing so loudly that we could hear you from the other side of the pitch. You were always like that, every time I saw you. I found myself looking forward to spain camps even more, because I got to see little Elena Putellas with her big smile and cheeky personality. But recently, I think you have lost a bit of your spark because you do not seem as happy. You seem miserable, lena, and I want to help you find that spark again because I promise, it is not gone forever. It has just been buried so deep by all these emotions that are so big and overwhelming and you can't even find who you are anymore."

Her words strike a cord, and I find that my eyes fill with tears once more, but I do everything I do to hold them back as I speak. There is a long moment of silence as we both look out at the waves before I break it with a quiet inhalation.

"I am so scared, Mapi." My voice breaks but I continue anyway. "I don't know who I am anymore and it is so scary. I don't know what happened or where I went but one day I woke up and I was just a miserable shell of the person I was and I don't know what to do."

She is quick to pull me into a hug as the tears start falling because we both know that once I let out the first cry, I will not be able to stop. Her soft hands through my hair and calm words that flow through the small space we occupy will do nothing to calm the turmoil I am feeling on the inside.

Thinking about it only makes it worse, like I am shaking everything up so it rises to the surface instead of letting it lay undisturbed deep inside of me.

But Mapi's words were like stepping into a turbulent plane, shaking uncontrollably, fear falling over me and triggering emotions that I didn't even realise I had inside of me. The dirt hazes up the water until everything is a big whirlwind of confusion. Emotions moving around to quickly to capture them and try to understand them.

The things I want caught up in the whirlwind of unwelcome mess, the whirlwind that I can't seem to get myself out of.

The injured centre back whispers calm words of affirmation into my ear for a while, her hand stroking up and down my back. It keeps me down to earth, does not let me fall into the trap of a million emotions.

"We will find who you are again, Elena. I will always be here to help you. I am right here."

I want to tell her that I want my sisters to be there to help me. I want Alexia to come back and I want Alba to realise that there is something wrong. But neither of them were there like Mapi is. Alba has tried to be there for me, but she doesn't get it because I don't know what to say.

But all I do is cry in her arms. The sobs soften into quiet whimpers as the sun sets, casting a yellow glow over the beach, but we stay there even as the air becomes cooler and the sky becomes darker.

Mapi decides that I will not be going home that night, not trusting me to take proper care of herself and instead taking me back to her apartment again.

Ingrid is there this time, and she looks at her girlfriend with concern when we walk in, immediately noticing my red face and puffy eyes.

"Hey, Elena." She smiled at me, but I was preoccupied by the little black cat that had begun to circle my legs.

"We had a chat on the beach and decided that because her Mami isn't home, she would stay here the night again."

I picked up Bagheera, tickling under her chin as I sat down on the sofa, trying to ignore the wary glances that were being sent in my direction by the Spaniard and Norwegian.

"I don't know what to do."

Mapi's words were hushed, and by the way she immediately spoke more quietly when she saw my head whip towards them, it is clear that they were not for my ears.

But as I fiddle with Bagheera's fur, I dissect her words. More than I should and definitely more than she wants me to.

She doesn't know what to do with me. She doesn't know how to help, how to fix what has been broken.

She doesn't know whether she should talk to Alexia because it would break my trust. Because telling Alexia could just make it all so much worse.

I think I have been holding onto hope that she really is that clueless and is trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I try to hope that is the reason this has all happened, and not because she simply has forgotten about me, or because she doesn't want to be responsible for me any more.

But honestly, I think it is a mix of all of that. And I think it has evolved from guilt, not watching my games, wanting to avoid the awkward conversations that could have arisen if she had apologised to me.

I wish she knew that an apology would make all the difference. A sincere one, from her heart.

Unprovoked. Just her, being truly apologetic.

Because as humiliating as it is, I would do anything to be back in her arms. I would do anything to have my older sister back, I wish that she would just do something that would make this all go away, to pick up the pieces of my shattered insides and stitch them back together. Eventually, the stitches would dissolve, I would forget all about them and I would be able to function normally again.

But Alexia is not a surgeon, and she would not be able to do that stitching seamlessly. She would use glue, but even that won't put it all back together so perfectly.

There is no way for her to just put it back together and pretend it never happened, to move on like this was just a blip. Because I am different now, I have grown. She has missed so much of my early teenage years - the years that I have most needed her help.

But I am not even sure that Alexia wants that any more; I don't know if she wants to fix this all up and move on.

The dinner table is quiet as I pick at my meal, Mapi encouraging me to eat more than a few bites, claiming she won't leave until my plate has been cleaned up.

Ingrid doesn't utter a single word, instead her green eyes piercing through my skin. I feel exposed to Ingrid, as if she can read everything, understand everything, just from one simple glance.

It is ridiculous, but she is deep in thought so I don't say anything to her either.

It is only when Mapi opens her mouth again that Ingrid's eyes flick over to her girlfriend.

"Does Alba know you feel like this? Or your Mami?"

It is a simple question, but strikes a chord.

No, neither of them know. Neither of them have even noticed a change.

I shake my head roughly, and Ingrid releases a scoff.

I look up, offended.

"What?"

She turns her head to me, confused, so I continue.

"It is not my fault! It is not easy to talk about these things."

"No, no. Elena, that was not directed at you."

She seems apologetic so I have to believe her. I push my chair back, attempting to leave the room with a clutter, cursing my misty eyes for what feels like the millionth time that day.

But me exit is not as seamless as I would have liked, and Mapi is standing right in front of me when I get up, wrapping her arms around me.

It is supposed to be to trap me, but Mapi's arms will never not be a comfort.

I immediately relax into her grip, sighing softly.

"I am so confused."

~~~~~~

Mapi's hands were running through my hair, my lap on the sofa as the tv played that evening. It had been an hour since dinner and the three of us had moved into the lounge room, the silence being filled by the Spanish show on the screen.

But there was a knock on the door and Ingrid sighed, standing up to open it, knowing that neither Mapi or I would get up.

It was both surprising and unsurprising to see Aitana standing there, her hair messy and over of her face, as if she had just been in bed.

"Is Mapi still awake?"

She didn't bother to greet Ingrid, clearly here for a reason. Why else would she have arrived at almost 11 at night.

I couldn't hear Ingrid's response, but I could hear Mapi speaking to me.

"She's worried about you too, Elena. You-"

I love Aitana, I always have.

"I know she is, she is terrible at hiding it. But she has avoided bringing it up. If she wanted me to talk to her I would try my best to, but she hasn't."

Again, I love Aitana and I know she has my best interests at heart. She knows I need to talk about everything to someone, but she also knows that I don't want to. She doesn't want to push even though I can tell she is worried. She is stressed.

Ingrid and Aitana enter as soon as I finish speaking, the Spaniard almost running to where I am lying, placing her hand on my cheek.

"You have been crying."

It is blunt, a bit surprising. I don't really know what to expect from Aitana, she has always been the light hearted one who never would shy from telling me how great I was, but we have never really spoken about melancholy emotions like these.

I suppose there has never really been a need to in the past, that is what Alexia and Alba were for.

She sits down on the floor in front of my face, her knees up to her chest as she stares at me, intensity in her eyes. It is not unlike the intensity she often displays on the pitch, motivated and passionate.

"I will help you." She is decisive. "We will fix this."

I nod softly and she runs her hand down my cheek.

"You are too young to be feeling like this, little Lena. I am sorry I let it get this far."

I look at her in confusion and she pauses before continuing.

"I knew something was wrong. I went to your games at La Masia."

I can tell Mapi is listening closer now.

"I know she didn't go to any."

Mapi gasps, quite loudly, and Aitana gives her a frustrated look, rolling her eyes softly.

"I should have said something to her. She doesn't realise how important you are, how lucky she is to have you."

I frown at her words.

"Lucky?"

It hasn't something I'd ever considered my sisters to be, having to look after a small child for most of their adolescence. Having to please me for so long.

"I used to dream of having a baby sister like you, she is lucky."

Mapi decides it is her turn to add something to the conversation.

"She loves you, Elena, she always has. Of course she thought she was lucky. She needed someone to help her pick on Alba."

There is suddenly a lump in my throat. I think it is the mention of the before that triggered it. The memories are too hard to handle, I usually avoid them at all costs.

My eyes become wet again, apparently, but Aitana just laughs softly.

"You two were just so mean to her, the poor thing."

Mapi lets out a chuckle from above me as well, and I find my mouth turning upwards into a smile.

"I probably should apologise now, shouldn't I?"

Aitana shakes her head, not able to hold back her laughs and Mapi is the same from where I can not see her.

It is when I finally laughed that I feel Mapi soften beneath me and see Aitana exhale a soft sigh of relief. They thought I wouldn't notice, but I did. I notice everything.

"We will fix this, ok?" Aitana was somewhat serious again, her hand patting my face. "We have a day off tomorrow, I will be here and we can all talk. We can all decide what to do next."

"Why are you two doing all this for me?"

Aitana sighs and Mapi's hands pause in my hair.

The midfielder looks above me, as if encouraging her to reply, but I speak up again before she can.

"Alexia is your captain, your teammate. She is your best friend, Mapi. Why are you doing so much for me when we are not speaking?"

There is another pause. It looks like Aitana is about to hit Mapi on the head, but the Spaniard speaks up before she can.

"Alexia has so many people behind her. Alexia is strong, she is experienced and she is older than you. You are just young, pequena and you are so lonely and lost. We want to help the both of you, but we need to help you first."

She pauses and Aitana finds the time to interject. It is like they have been talking about me.

Come to think of it, they probably have.

"You looked like you were going to burst. We knew that you and Alexia weren't speaking, that both of you were having a hard time because of it. But Elena, you looked destroyed. We couldn't leave you to your own devices any more. And Elena, we are doing this because we love you. So, so much."

"Alexia loves you too. More than us. She just does not do a great job of showing it, that's all."

I sigh softly, falling backwards into Mapi's lap, wondering just what I have done to deserve this.

How luckyI am to have my older sisters friends there looking out for me.

Because my family was falling apart and it was my fault. I couldn't do everything alone.

I choose not to think about what would happen if Mapi and Aitana weren't here like they are.

A tear slips down my face again, but this time it is not so sad. It is full of emotion, a grateful tear. Not quite happy, but not sad either.

"Thank you."

~~~~~~

hope you enjoyed :)

this chapter was more to gauge where elena is at, sorry if it was boring!

part V

#woso #woso fanfics #woso imagine #barca femeni #fcb femení #alexia putellas x reader #alexia putellas #mapi leon #aitana bonmati

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I said I have OCD when I don't?

I (20X) don't have OCD. I do, however, have some of the symptoms, which is probably a comorbidity thing (ADHD diagnosis). The symptoms that are relevant here line up with contamination OCD.

I can be particular about "clean" things and "safe" spaces. I still live with my parents, and they're used to my habits. They know not to sit in my specific "clean" chair, to let me disinfect things with alcohol wipes before they get brought into the home, et cetera.

Right now my symptoms are relatively under control. There was a time when a brush against something I consider "contaminated" would result in me chucking any clothes that made contact in the laundry and washing any skin that it touched. I'm trying to avoid doing this when I feel like I can, to try and condition myself into being, for lack of a better word, normal. However, it still bothers me, especially when I'm feeling particularly anxious. And it really bothers me when we have guests over who don't know about my preferences and get their outside "contaminants" everywhere, which is where the problem arises.

We're going to have family over. They're flying in from a different country and will be staying in an Airbnb, but the main purpose of their trip is to visit us, so they'll be at our house frequently. This is mostly fine. My main "safe" space is my bedroom, and I would keep that door closed the whole time, and I think they would respect me enough to not enter. But I also have two "safe" furniture items in shared space -- a dining room chair and a couch (we have two in the living room).

Basically, I want to ask my family members to not sit on those two furniture items and say that I have OCD as a shorthand for "if you do this I will become genuinely distressed". I just feel like it's the only way for them to take me seriously and actually remember not to do it without me having to go into a whole explanation about my neuroses.

But at the same time, it feels shitty to lie about a having a disorder. And I'd also be doing this partially out of laziness, which I feel almost definitely makes me an asshole -- because in theory I could just keep disinfecting the chair and the couch between each visit for the couple weeks that they're going to come over for, but both of them are fabric, and it would be so much work to wash and dry them every single day. To be frank, I can't be bothered doing all that, and would rather they just didn't sit there at all. But it might also be an asshole move to tell them not to sit on one of our couches -- I mean, Christ, it's a fucking couch. It's meant to be sat on. (Even if I'd rather they didn't -- not because of them specifically, but because they'd be visiting in "outside clothes", which aren't clean. I also don't sit there if I'm not in clean clothes.)

So -- WIBTA? And if I am voted TA, any advice for how to proceed that doesn't involve having to steam-clean a couch every day would be appreciated.

#aita #am i the asshole

[pluckyredhead]

Please ship Orion and Lightray with me, thank you

If you've been reading my Fourth World posting, you might have noticed me mentioning Orion and Lightray's relationship. This is because they're in love and I'm obsessed with them. Please join me in grumpy/sunshine-but-they're-alien-demigods hell, with visual references below.

So Orion, as we know, is the son of Darkseid who was raised on New Genesis but has always felt different and monstrous compared to his peers. Lightray is his best friend, who thinks Orion is just the best thing since sliced bread and says so constantly.

This is literally how we're introduced to them, in New Gods #1:

Lightray: Don't be sad. Hug time! Orion: Hugs are not for one such as me. But you're still my best friend. Lightray: Please let me enter your chambers. Orion: NO THEY ARE TOO DARK. Lightray: D:

This panel, from #6, sums up their whole dynamic really well:

Lightray doesn't crave battle the way Orion does but he is determined to stay by his side, while Orion doesn't want Lightray to fight beside him because he thinks Lightray is too good and pure to be tainted by violence.

Zero personal space.

So one of the things about Orion is that his real face is sort of brutish and not traditionally handsome (the eyebrows are WILD), but he uses his Mother Box (like a living pocket computer that loves you) to make himself look more like the people of New Genesis. In #8, he gets into a knock-down, drag-out fight with his half-brother Kalibak that nearly kills them both, and Mother Box can't maintain the illusion (and also his face is, like, pulverized). And then this happens:

I WEEP. LIGHTRAY LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ORION.

New Gods was canceled soon after this, but when Kirby returned a decade later, he went all in on the homoerotic devotion. So Orion goes to Apokolips to kill his dad and rescue his mom, and who do you think follows him?

That second panel makes me laugh so hard. "Here, honey, you forgot your Scooty Puff Jr!"

My favorite thing about this is that Lightray is playing dumb. He shot at Orion earlier and then said something vague about missing on purpose...but he didn't:

HE REALLY TRIED TO WOUND ORION ENOUGH TO STOP HIS SUICIDE MISSION. And the way he just shuts his eyes and takes Orion's anger because he doesn't care what happens as long as he saves his friend's life...! (Orion doesn't hurt him, they just touch each other a lot.)

Anyway they argue for multiple pages, with Orion insisting that Lightray go home and Lightray insisting that he stay, until finally:

This is so intensely romantic and also so unintentionally hilarious that I can't stand it. The homoerotic gazing into one another's eyes and then the stupid mutual thumbs up! Whatever is going on with that closeup of Orion in the second panel! I die!

...And you know who else dies? Orion! Or at least he comes very close (it's unclear), but is rescued by a freedom fighter named Himon and nursed back to health by Himon and his daughter Bekka. We get a little romance between Orion and Bekka, but we also get Lightray coming to visit:

That is some FULL CONTACT wrestling, boys. Orion pinning Lightray to the ground while telling him it's good to see him is so much, but the fourth panel is even mucher. My goodness.

And then things get serious, because they both believe they are going to die in the upcoming battle (they don't), so they bid each other farewell and Lightray leaves, and then:

Orion yells after Lightray how smart and funny he is and then collapses in despair because his friend is gone. "HOW LIKE A WANDERING STAR HE SEEMS." Oh my god, Orion.

That's it for Kirby, so I'll move on to other writers and artists, but I want to clear that I'm only sharing the most intense scenes between them. There are so many panels, from Kirby and others, of Lightray faithfully following Orion around, joyously welcoming him back to New Genesis, gently teasing him, and talking about how brave and noble he is. And of Orion only smiling for Lightray, going feral when he gets hurt, and telling him he's too good and pretty for battle. And of the two of them touching each other. A lot.

Literally just two random examples. THEY DO THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME.

The next really big moment comes in New Gods (1995), where the Source (basically God/Heaven) becomes corrupted and Lightray goes evil and Orion has to beat him up to stop him and I will never ever ever recover from these pages:

"You want the beast? Do you like it?" on its own is...hoo boy, SOMETHING. But it is eclipsed by the tremulous "Maybe...maybe if I can just hold him" and Orion gathering Lightray up in his arms while telling him he loves him. LIKE. THIS IS SO MUCH. (P.S. Lightray's fine don't worry. And yes, he does want the beast.)

Then we get to Orion (PLEASE read this comic) and the biggest smile Orion has ever smolt:

Look at how happy he is!!! You need to understand that his mother died in his arms ten minutes ago and he's still like "Lightray! Omg hi!!!" (To be fair, his mother was terrible.) Plus bonus unnecessary touching, Lightray's love language being gifts, and Orion giggling and twirling his hair while going "Omg you're so smart."

(Also, when Lightray mentions his "brief but troubling visit" to Apokolips in the second panel, what's not saying is that he put on a silly disguise and went to see a fortuneteller to try to figure out if Orion's mom was lying about Darkseid not being his real dad (she was; again, she was terrible), and when the fortuneteller is like "You DARE come to Apokolips?!" he goes "I would dare anything for my friend!" I know you would, honey. I know you would.)

The next bit requires some explanation. So, as briefly as possible: Orion kills Darkseid (or so he thinks), takes over Apokolips, and tries very hard to change it for the better. He also accidentally gains possession of the Anti-Life Equation, the formula Darkseid is always searching for that eradicates free will, and gradually is driven to use it to FORCE everyone on Apokolips to be good. And Earth. And New Genesis.

Eventually, Orion is seemingly killed, but actually he's been teleported somewhere unfathomably far away, where he realizes what he's done and sinks into suicidal despair. In the midst of this, he manages to both destroy the Anti-Life Equation AND save all of reality (and nearly die in the process), but he still thinks that because he used the Equation, he's irredeemable and doesn't deserve to exist.

So when he's teleported back to Earth and captured by a human who blinds him and rigs him up to a torture device so that he can drain Orion's life force and use it to be eternally youthful, Orion just...lets it happen. Because he thinks he deserves it. For SEVEN MONTHS.

But eventually he's like "Wait...I deserve this, but probably whatever is being done with my energy is not good and I should stop it." He tries to escape but only manages to let out a single scream.

Luckily, Lightray has been searching for him nonstop for those seven months, despite the face that Orion is supposed to be dead. And then we get this:

To be clear: this is sweet, gentle Lightray absolutely obliterating the men who kept Orion in the torture device.

Nakey.

Lightray gives Orion the crushed remnants of his wrist cuffs, and Orion does a magical girl transformation about it:

For everyone playing along at home, that's the second time Orion has canonically told Lightray that he loves him.

Anyway, Orion goes off to get revenge on the guy who did this to him (it's very satisfying, please read Orion), and then he's depressed some more until he has some brotherly bonding time with Scott and finally feels well enough to go back to New Genesis. His last line of dialogue in the series is "For it is late, and the sunrise and friend Lightray await us in the gleaming city of the gods." OKAY!

Tragically, almost every New Gods appearance after this is complete dogshit, although there is a great moment in Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (a Rebirth series) where they need information from Orion but he's comatose so they bring in a telepath and the only word he can get out of Orion's mind is "Lightray." I'LL BET.

IN CONCLUSION: Orion and Lightray love each other so so much and I believe it is honoring Jack Kirby's legacy to think about them smooching. It's what the King would have wanted!

#orion #lightray #lightrion #fourth world #meta

[howlingday]

When I was a boy, I only had one dream. I wanted to grow up to be just like my dad. You see, my father wasn't just an adventurer. He was a LEGENDARY adventurer.

Papa Arc: And then I kissed the beast so fair~

Papa Arc: And kissed her beastly bits down there~

When he would come back from his trips, I would sit in the tavern an listen to his songs, and I'd imagine myself traveling with him.

Papa Arc: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA~!

Lady: Kyaaah~!

That's right! My father is the one and only NICHOLAS ARC, the greatest Bard in the whole Kingdom! And I was going to be a Bard just like him!

Or, at least, that's what I thought at the time.

I guess part of growing up is realizing that your heroes aren't perfect. They're flawed people, and sometimes those flaws get really, REALLY messy.

Jaune: Dad, I'm home~!

Papa Arc: NOT THE PROSTATE! NOT THE PROSTATE~!

It was the day when I walked in on my father getting his butt plowed in the middle of an interspecies foursome. Again.

At that moment, I decided that I didn't want to be like my father.

Jaune: Dad...

Papa Arc: WHOA?! You're home early! Wait, let me explain! I'm practicing wrestling!

Jaune: Dad...

Papa Arc: Remember the basics of CQC!

Jaune: Dad, I know what sex is...

Jaune: Dad... I said I wanted to be a Bard like you when I grow up... But I've changed my mind. I'm going to become a PALADIN.

Papa Arc: ...

Papa Arc: Heh... That's a great idea, son! Chicks dig Paladins!

Jaune: No, Dad... A REAL Paladin, not the Fallen kind.

Grimm Lady: Ooh~! Your son is really cute~!

--------------------------------------------------

Years later...

Jaune: Ambrosius, Spirit of Creation and Control, please give me the strength to continue living a healthy and disciplined lifestyle, monogamous and uncorrupted by lust....

Yup, that's me. My name is Jaune Arc, and I'm a "Paladin of Order" now. I try my best every day to be a Lawful and Good citizen.

Nora: HEY! Are you STILL praying, church boy?! Get your ass in gear! It's dungeoning time! We don't got all day if we're gonna loot B3 and get back before happy hour!

Pyrrha: Hello, Jaune~!

This is Nora. She's a real dwarfy Dwarf, and a really good person.

Nora: Hmph!

Pyrrha: Nora's anxious because she's run out of lien again. (Giggles)

And this is Pyrrha, she's a Fighter of Jinn, and has been my best friend since I was a kid.

Nora: So, when did your dad say he was gonna be back?

Jaune: Around sundown, but I'm not exactly excited to be back before then. Really not looking forward to spending time with him.

Pyrrha: Oh, come now, Jaune! He's going to be off on a new adventure soon! Who knows when you'll see him again?

Nora: Yeah! Nicholas Arc is a legend! You should be glad he's your dad!

Jaune: Easy for you guys to say. Every time he goes on an adventure, he comes back with a new WIFE. I heard he was in the Kingdom of Mistral, so he's probably impregnated another Dwarf noble.

Nora: Damn... What an alpha...

Jaune: Do you know how awkward it is to deal with a new stepmom every year? You should see the drawings I did as a kid.

In hindsight, I had a weird family structure growing up.

Jaune: Anyways, it's not like I hate him or anything. I'm just sick of introducing myself to another new "mom".

Nora: Mm... I get that you have daddy issues.

Jaune: Gee, thanks.

Nora: But you don't have to be the opposite of him! You're living with a stick up your ass!

Jaune: I'm living with discipline, Nora. That's what it means to be a Paladin of Order.

Paladins of Ambrosius, the Spirit of Creation and Control, are champions of their own personal laws.

Ironwood: I only poop standing up! THIS is my solemn vow!

By living within the confines of a strict individual code, they seek to free themselves of animalistic desires and act through reason.

Nora: BAH! Order, schnorder! You need to get LAID! That'll fix ya!

Pyrrha: Yeah, Jaune! You do need to get laid! As your best friend, I'll take responsibility! That way we can lose our virginities together~!

Jaune: PYRRHA, YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE JOKES LIKE THAT. YOU SHOULD ONLY HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE DEEP, ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR. I KNOW WE'RE CLOSE, BUT YOU WOULD REGRET LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY TO A GUY WHO IS ONLY YOUR FRIEND.

Pyrrha: Yeah... You're right... Ha ha...

Nora: You okay?

Jaune: Let's go.

--------------------------------------------------

Nora: Alright! Get your crap in the bag! It's go time!

Pyrrha: ...

Jaune: Gear check before we go in.

"The Black Roads." It's said it was created by a shunned Witch to avoid outsiders; this cave system leads down into one of the largest dungeons in the continent.

Guard: Hey, Jaune!

Jaune: Hey man.

Guard: Going down the pit, right?

Jaune: Yup.

Guard: Oof... I'd take a rain check on that. There's a horrible creature that was spotted last night.

Jaune: Like what? An alpha beowolf? Or maybe an Ursa?

Guard: WORSE! Word is, someone ran into...

Guard: A GRIMM-KIN!

Nora: A GRIMM-KIN?!

Grimm-Kin are a Grimm subspecies that live deep in the Black Roads. They have a harsh, matriarchal society that enslaves men. It's well-known that Grimm-Kin women are inherently evil.

Jaune: We haven't had a Grimm-Kin sighting in years. Did something happen?

Guard: I'm not sure what's going on, but you be especially careful, Jaune! A handsome guy like you? Grimm-Kin would be slobbering just for the chance to get at your pecker!

Jaune: Don't worry. I'm an expert at rejecting the advances of horny women.

Pyrrha: Oh boy... Wouldn't I know...

Nora: You okay?

--------------------------------------------------

Nora: I HATE GRIMM-KIN! In fact, I HATE REGULAR GRIMM, TOO! I'm not racist. I just don't like Grimm.

Jaune: You're a real dwarfy Dwarf, Nora.

Nora: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Dungeon Level B3

Grimm: (Barks)

Grimm: (Snarls)

Grimm: (Growls)

Grimm: (Yips)

Grimm: ?!

Grimm: (Snaps, Snaps in two)

Pyrrha: Do you ever wonder what the Grimm talk about?

Jaune: Probably Grimm stuff, like how to get the most negative emotions out of a person. Oh, scoop up that ash.

Nora: How much ash have we got? What's the market price?

Jaune: Er, not great. Last I heard, Grimm Ash was going through another inflation.

Nora: AGAIN?! SERIOUSLY?! HOW AM I GONNA PAY MY RENT?!

Jaune: Well, you can stop drinking syrup from the top shelf.

Nora: Wow... That's a low blow. You think we can go deeper than this?

Jaune: I wouldn't do it. We should get at least a four-man party, preferably five.

Nora: Mm...

Pyrrha: (Turns, Sees arrow flying at her)

Jaune: (Grabs Pyrrha, Blocks arrow)

Pyrrha: Thank you, Jaune!

Jaune: See? This is what I'm talking about. We need a scout to prevent ambushes like this. Show yourself... GRIMM.

Cinder: (Steps out) Well, well... You parried my arrow cleanly. Looks like you're not just a pretty face... HUMAN.

Jaune: Why did you attack us, Grimm? We mean you no harm.

Nora: I DO! I'm gonna harm that skull into PIECE, BONE-FACE!

Jaune: Nora, can you please be quiet for just a second?

Cinder: Oh my... Isn't it obvious? I attacked you to get what I want. Because there's one thing every Grimm-Kin girl wants...

Cinder: HER VERY OWN MAN-SLAVE~! HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO~!

Cinder: YOU, PRETTY BOY~!

Jaune: Huh?

Cinder: I like you~! Ufufufu~... Back home, all the men I got were broken hand-me-downs from my mother! Now, I get to finally have my own boy-toy~!

Cinder: Don't worry, I won't kill anyone~! My blades and arrows are coated with knock-out poison, so I can take you all down with just a scratch! Then I'm going to drag pretty boy off and teach him how to please a woman~!

Jaune: Ah... So, let me get this straight. You're attacking us just because you want to have sex with me.

Cinder: Oh~? Have I piqued your interest~?

Cinder: It's not a big deal, is it~? You only need to become my pet and I'll allow you to play with this body. Imagine the desperate moans I'll make as you drag your tongue over my peaks and valleys, driving me wild with pleasure~!

Jaune: Hm... That does sound like a good deal.

Pyrrha: J-Jaune?! Wait! Don't fall for her lies! She's trying to trick you!

Jaune: I'll admit, you're a very attractive lady, and I'm sure there are many men out there who would give up everything to be with someone like you.

Cinder: So you'll be mine then?!

Jaune: BUT I REFUUUSE! GIRLS AND BOYS MUST NOT FORNICATE BEFORE MARRIAAAGE! NO CASUAL ENCOUNTERS! NO KISSING BEFORE THE TENTH DATE! NO MOUTH PLAY! NO ASS PLAY! DEFINITELY NO ASS TO MOUTH PLAY! ONLY MISSIONARY FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROCREATION! BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLES! MONOGAMYYY! NO HAREMS! NO ORGIES! HAND HOLDING IS OKAY, BUT DON'T! LOCK! THOSE! FINGEEERS!

Pyrrha: ...

Jaune: ...

Nora: ...

Cinder: ...

Nora: ...

Cinder: ???

Pyrrha: Whew!

Jaune: Khm! My name is Jaune Arc, and I am a Paladin of Order. THIS is my solemn vow.

Cinder: Uh... Is every surface dweller this prudish, or is it just him?

Jaune: ...

Nora/Pyrrha: It's just him.

Cinder: Okay! So, uh... Kinda got sidetracked, but you're not volunteering to be my man-slave, right?

Jaune: Yeah.

Cinder: Good~! I prefer doing this the old-fashioned way.

Jaune: Here we go. Stay behind me. I'll handle this.

Cinder: Hoohoohoo~! A little overconfident, aren't we? THE ONLY THINGS YOU'LL BE HANDLING ARE MY NIPPLES IN BED~!

Jaune: (Holds action)

Cinder: (Leaping strike)

???: Oscura Ventos...

Cinder: (Knocked on her back) GAH!

Jaune: ?!

???: What have I told you about "No more man slaves"? Such a naughty girl~...

Cinder: Dammit! You always get in my way...

Cinder: MOTHER!

Salem: But then again, I'm not surprised. You always were needy for attention.

Cinder: Why did you stop me?!

Salem: Because slavery is WRONG, Cinder. We need to start treating men as equals.

Jaune: You okay?

Cinder: Oh, fuck off! You were going through three men a day just a week ago, so cut the crap!

Salem: That was the old men. I'm a new woman now, ever since I met...

Salem: (Cuddling to Papa Arc) My husband~! Mr. Nicholas Arc~!

Papa Arc: Heya, son~! How ya doin'?! (Laughing with Salem)

Jaune: ...Hi, Dad.

Papa Arc: Jaune, my boy! How's it hangin'~?

Jaune: I'm fine, Dad. Why are you in the dungeon with two Grimm-Kin?

Papa Arc: Ah, yes... These lovely ladies. It's a long story, one full of danger, adventure, and rrromance~...

Jaune: Let me guess; you and your party were hired by a rival faction in Mistral to attack a Grimm-Kin nation, single-handedly destroying their army and were supposed to kill their leaders, too, but then you saw the Grimm-Kin queen was hot, so you couldn't resist and just had to seduce her and screw her brains out, and then you smuggled her out of the war zone with the promise of marriage... again.

Papa Arc: HUH?! H- H- HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

Jaune: This is, like, the eighth time you've done this, Dad.

Papa Arc: Aw, geez... Don't tell me I'm getting predictable!

Nora: By the Brothers! I'm in awe of this GigaBard! This man is my HERO~!

Papa Arc: Ahem! Well, I was going to do this later with your mother, your sisters, and all your other mommies around, but since you're here now, allow me to introduce...

Papa Arc: Your new stepmother, Salem Arc, formerly Salem, Queen of the Grimm-Kin, and her daughter, Cinder, your new stepsister!

Salem: Apologize to your brother, Cinder~.

Jaune: Grr! I'm sorry I tried to enslave you... I guess...

Papa Arc: I was showing them around the dungeon since it's the most profitable job in the Kingdom of Vale.

Jaune: They'll be living with us in town?

Papa Arc: That's right! They'll be strangers in a strange land and they'll need someone to help them get used to our lifestyle. I'll be with Salem, so could you take care of your sister?

Cinder: Hmph! (Turns away)

Jaune: Uh... My "sister" tried to kidnap me and turn me into her sex slave... five minutes ago.

Papa Arc: I know! Isn't it great?! You're like family already!

Papa Arc: C'mon, Jaune, if someone doesn't watch her, she'll be arrested in a day. And besides...

Cinder: (Turned away from everyone)

Papa Arc: She looks like she could really use a friend.

Jaune: ...Fine, I'll do it.

Papa Arc: Attaboy, Jaune~! I knew you'd say yes! That's why I already bought a HOUSE for you! You two will be living together without any supervision~!

Jaune: What?

Cinder: What?!

Pyrrha: WHA- WHA- WHAT?!

Papa Arc: Sorry, Pyrrha. That's just how these things work.

Jaune: ...

Cinder: ...

Pyrrha: ...

Cinder: Ufu~! Ufufufufu~! I've always wanted a little brother~.

Pyrrha: HUH?!

--------------------------------------------------

And so, in this new house, my strange new life began.

Cinder: Step bro~! Step bro~! Oh, it's just awful~! I forgot to bring my clothes with me, so now I have to come out of the bath NAKED and SOAKING WET~!

Jaune: (Eyes shut) Here, I brought you a change of clothes. Cinder, please stop trying to seduce me. Seeing your nipples aren't going to make me break my vows as a Paladin.

Cinder: (Hugs him) Are you suuure~?

Jaune: Yes.

Some journeys start without taking a step away from home.

Cinder: Help, Step Bro, help~! I'm stuck in this conveniently positioned hole~!

Jaune: NO, YOU'RE NOT! WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?!

I didn't know this at the time, but my stepsister's appearance was about to steer my Lawful life into a Chaotic world I was utterly unprepared for. But even then, one thing was obvious...

MY GRIMM-KIN STEPSISTER WASN'T GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE

--------------------------------------------------

Nora: I'm a huge fan of your work, Mr. Arc! Could you sign my hammer?!

Papa Arc: Why, of course, my dwarven friend! Anything for a fan~!

#rwby #baalbuddy #jaune arc #nora valkyrie #pyrrha nikos #cinder fall #papa arc #salem #james ironwood

[aphrmoosun]

{Noa and the Beast}

Nomae: One shot

• Sipnosis.

Noa is the new leader of the clan, his responsibility was to his own. But an Echo enters their lives and they decide to kill her due to the ancient writings that defined her as dangerous. But when Noa has her in front of him, his world changes completely...

• Pair.

Noa and Mae

• Movie.

Kingdom of the planet of the apes {Half AU}

• Tags.

Nomae, interspecies relationship, interspecies sex, interspecies romance, yes it is a ship fic, smut, romancing, Beauty and the Beast, Half AU, Noa hunt Mae, but the Noa falls in love with Mae, Long One Shot, Writer isn't English Native Speaker, etc

• Other nomae fanfics.

You and Me

No words

_________________________________

DO NOT COPY OR SHARE IT ELSEWHERE WITHOUT PERMISSION!

• Noa and the Beast [One Shot]

**First Act**

_________________________________

The day was coming to an end. Noa was returning home with a successful hunt. He and his friends had managed to catch a pair of rabbits and a adult deer, earning them a warm welcome.

The situation was difficult for the village. Since his father had died, he and his mother were the only hope for their survival. They had to lead the rest to survive, and that was his duty as the new leader of the village.

"Well done, son," his mother said.

Noa sat down beside his mother, hugging her and offering her a piece of food, which she refused.

Their happiness was interrupted by some apes who arrived running and shouting.

"It's an Echo! We've seen one near here!"

Noa managed to understand what one of them was saying.

"Calm down," Noa said, standing up and addressing them. "It's probably just passing through. Echos usually move when it starts to get cold."

"This one is different. We've heard it talk! It was settling near the village."

Another ape spoke up, frightened.

"Don't worry, it won't hurt us."

"You don't understand. Echos are evil, the farther away from us, the better."

"If that means underground, even better."

"Yes!"

Many of the apes supported the idea of killing the Echo.

"We can't act impulsively. We need to think with a clear head."

Noa defended the idea of reaching a consensus.

"You're our leader. You must defend our home from those things!"

The ape began to feel the pressure from his village. Everyone wanted to see how the new leader would handle a dangerous situation.

"Fine! I'll take care of it myself." Noa didn't like the idea, but he said, "Tomorrow, I'll go to where you saw it and bring back proof that the Echo is no longer a problem."

Noa received a big ovation, but he couldn't take his eyes off his mother, who disapproved of his attitude.

_________________________________

**Second Act**

_________________________________

Anaya and Soona, Noa's best friends, were already ready to go after the Echo. They were determined to accompany their leader, not just as friends, but as family.

The plan was to approach the Echo on foot, without horses, so as not to scare it, and kill it with the arrows they used for hunting. But Noa had taken something else from the village - a remedy that they took when they felt pain, in case he couldn't bear the scene, he would give it to the Echo himself.

It would have been just another Echo, but the idea of being able to hear one talk for the first time had haunted him all night. What if he could talk to it? What if it could defend itself by talking? What set them apart from animals if they couldn't talk?

But his village needed him. They had never encountered an Echo like this before, and it was a danger to his people. It was written that way.

When they were far enough from the village, Noa turned to his friends, stopping them.

"I have to go alone from here."

"What? No, we're not going to leave you." Soona approached him, grabbing his hands.

"Soona, I have to do this alone. I'm the leader now, and I have to be responsible for my words and my responsibilities towards our people. And one of those responsibilities is taking care of you too."

"I don't care about your position. We also want to take care of you."

Anaya joined the two, and they ended up in a three-way hug.

"I'm sure I can handle this. But I need to do it alone." He finally convinced them.

Anaya and Soona walked away, and he began to walk forward. He didn't look back, it would be easier to fulfill his responsibility alone and as the leader he had to be.

_________________________________

**Third Act**

_________________________________

He could observe her easily. She didn't seem to have seen him, and she continued with her life as usual. She walked back and forth, going to and from the river near the home she had built.

She was very resourceful. With the help of stones, branches, sticks, and leaves, she had built a kind of settlement near the river. She had everything she needed to survive just a few steps away.

Noa couldn't help but analyze her. From her physical features to her delicate movements. What she seemed to be doing was cooking with leaves and fruits he couldn't recognize.

They had warned him that this Echo was not normal. If she could talk, it was already very different from the ones he had encountered before, but he had never imagined what he had in front of him. If it weren't for her small body, little hair, small eyes, small hands, small waist, the bulge on her chest, and small feet, he could have sworn he was looking at an ape.

But he had to push those thoughts out of his mind. He had come to kill her, and he had already wasted too much time analyzing her.

He raised his bow and placed the arrow right at the Echo's heart direction. His hands were shaking. It was the first time they had shaken like that. He had to admit, this wasn't a normal hunt. He wasn't going to kill her out of necessity, nor did he need her skin or any part of her body. He was going to kill her because he feared her. Not just him, but his people. And that had to be his thought, his people were waiting for him to bring back proof of the event.

His vision became blurry as his heart began to beat strongly, he couldn't look. He released the arrow without being able to see well where it was headed.

"Ah!"

He heard the Echo's despairing cry.

_________________________________

**Fourth Act**

_________________________________

Noa found himself in front of the Echo. His blurry vision and sweaty hands hadn't allowed him to hit his target. His main objective was the Echo's heart, but due to his nerves, the arrow had ended up hitting one of her sides.

She looked at him with open, frightened eyes, trembling while she held her side. She had pulled out the arrow and was trying to stop the bleeding.

Noa could have stood there, watching her die from bleeding, but he couldn't help but approach her and offer her a piece of cloth from his own arm to stop the bleeding.

The human looked at him doubtfully, taking the cloth.

"Why?"

He didn't know what to answer. Why had he attacked her? Why was he helping her? Because his heart was in constant struggle over what was right against his mind.

Echos had to be kept away. They wouldn't approach them, and they wouldn't live with them. Beyond the Valley was forbidden to cross because Echos were there.

The elders of his clan described them as monsters that killed each other, creatures that took everything around them and massacred it. Wild animals that would kill their own siblings for power.

But in front of Noa, he saw a smaller creature than him, harmless, and not having harmed them, alone, and with no signs of damage to nature around her. Not even signs of fires or dead animals.

Noa crouched down beside the human and covered her wound, helping her stop the bleeding.

"I don't know why. Neither do I."

_________________________________

**Fifth Act**

_________________________________

Noa had decided to move the unconscious Echo to the nest of leaves covered by a roof of branches. At least there, she would be comfortable and covered in case the sun bothered her or it rained. But he had to go back to the village, he had to go back to Anaya and Soona, because if he took too long, he was sure they would come to see what had happened to him, and that wouldn't be good.

He had to do it quickly. Kill the nearest animal he could find, so he would have something to feed the Echo when she woke up, but also use a significant part of it to show in his village, her heart.

A hare had been the sacrifice for his plan, he didn't have time to go for a bigger animal, and with the hare's heart, he was sure his village would calm down.

He took long strides, quickly, so as not to take too long. Right where he had left them, Anaya and Soona were waiting for him. They ran to hug him and looked at what he was carrying.

"Did you do it?" Soona asked, stepping back from the hug.

"Yes."

He was lying. He was lying to his friends for an Echo. But he didn't have another choice.

In the village, they received him as the leader he was. With hugs and praise towards him. He couldn't bear the weight on his chest. He was lying to everyone.

"Son, are you okay?" His mother was the only one who could feel something in him, and she didn't take long to approach him and ask questions.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be? We've gotten rid of that Echo! Isn't that right?"

"Because it's the first time you're acting like the leader of the clan." His mother hugged him. "I know it's hard, going against your ideals to follow the clan's ideals. No one asks if you're okay when you come back, they just receive you as the leader."

"I'm fine, mom."

She was the only one who could discover everything if she noticed his strange behavior. So he had to act normally... how was he supposed to act normally after supposedly killing an Echo that hadn't done anything to them?

_________________________________

**Sixth Act**

_________________________________

That same morning, Noa had gone back to where the Echo was. He expected to find her where he had left her, but he was surprised to see her standing, trembling, by the riverbank.

"Hey, you shouldn't be there."

She jumped back, trying to get away from him.

"It's okay, I'm here to help you."

"You're the one who hurt me."

Well, he couldn't deny that.

"I'm sorry. Please, let me help you."

"H-how can you apologize for something like that?"

She had started to breathe with difficulty, holding her wound.

"Sh, it's okay. We'll talk when you're cured."

Noa held her wound again, seeing how it was still humid, and proceeded to clean it, forcing her to lie down on the nest.

The ape had brought new bandages in case he needed to change them, so he proceeded to change them.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

"It's hard to believe. Did you think I was livestock or something?"

"No, my village is scared of you, and they wanted me to kill you."

"And, why didn't you?"

Noa continued to change the bandages, unable to look her in the eye.

"I don't know. I didn't want to kill you personally, without knowing you. But it's my duty as the leader."

That information silenced the human. She grabbed his hand with the one he was using to clean her.

"Well, as the leader, stop. You've done your duty, you've tried to kill me, give them that information, and I'll run away from here. That way, you can say I escaped."

Noa shook his head, turning his hand to hold hers.

"No, you're already dead to them."

_________________________________

**Seventh Act**

_________________________________

Noa had been going back and forth from the village to where Mae, the Echo, was for a week.

During the day, he took care of his leader duties, and at dawn, he would return to the human's nest, where he would cure her, feed her, and take care of her. In those moments, they would talk, forgetting about the ape's attempt to assassinate her. Mae had opened up completely to him.

A human who had lost her family recently and was trying to survive away from the rest of humans who had hurt her. He didn't understand how they had hurt her if she didn't have that physical aspect, only the wound he had inflicted on her. But she explained that the wounds those humans had inflicted on her were not visible on her body, but in her heart.

Noa felt like seeking out those humans and defending the human to make her feel better. But she told him she was already learning to forget them.

"The wound is much better."

He didn't like how she was healing so quickly. Mae would have to leave when she was fully cured, that had been their agreement, but he wasn't ready to say goodbye so soon.

"Yes, I can do things on my own now. You should rest more at night and not come to see me."

"I don't need to rest. I want to come see you."

"Noa..."

"What?"

The ape continued making the meal, actually watching how the fire was made.

"You know I've forgiven you. You don't have to keep feeling guilty. Forgive yourself too."

"I-I can't. I failed my village. But I also failed you. If only I had shot higher, you would be dead and I wouldn't have met you."

"But you're a good ape and didn't do it. If it had happened this way or that, it wouldn't exist anymore. The reality is that we've met."

________________________________

**Eighth Act**

_________________________________

That day, his mother wouldn't leave his side. She observed him closely without speaking, but that made him even more nervous.

"What? What's going on?"

He stopped in front of her.

"Son, you can lie to the whole world, but not to your mother."

"What do you mean?"

"Your nighttime escapes, the lack of sales, your fatigue during the day. Tell me, son. Where do you escape to?"

"Nowhere, mom. Just... I go climbing alone to relax and sleep."

"Yesterday, you slept very late, the sun had already risen. And you started talking in your sleep."

Noa averted his gaze so she couldn't keep reading him like that.

"Your dreams mentioned Mae's name."

"Oh, nonsense. I don't know anyone by that name."

He turned around, trying to ignore his mother's comments so as not to get more nervous.

"Son, do you sneak out at night to see Mae? Is she the Echo you didn't kill?"

"Mother! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"I've known you since you came out of me. Small, hairy, and noisy. Since you were very young, you showed that you weren't like the rest of the apes. You were very analytical and more intelligent than most. Your father knew that you took twice as long to think things through, just like your grandfather."

"Mom..."

"That's why I knew when they asked you to fulfill this responsibility that you would take your time to think it through and not do it, because you're a fair son of mine."

"Mom, I couldn't kill her. She hadn't done anything to us and lived peacefully alone by the river. She didn't pose any danger like the elders make us believe."

"I know, son. I know you very well."

His mother hugged him, and he took refuge in her arms. Taking a weight off his shoulders since he wasn't the only one who knew about Mae's existence.

And not just the two of them anymore. One of the aoes in charge of the birds had overheard their conversation, hiding from mother and son.

_________________________________

**Ninth Act**

_________________________________

That morning, Noa found Mae packed and ready to leave, with her things in a backpack and the fire extinguished.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to leave now, Noa."

"What? No, why? You're still hurt. You can't leave yet."

"I'm not hurt anymore, Noa. You saved me."

"No, no, no, no."

Noa grabbed the girl's hands, trying to stop her.

"We knew this moment would come. I'm very grateful that you gave me the opportunity to meet you."

"No! It's the other way around. I tried to kill you and you forgave me, letting me into your life."

"That doesn't matter anymore, Noa."

"Yes, it does. I came here to kill you because I thought you were an animal, a monster, a beast. And I ended up realizing that the only beast here is me."

"Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I have to be. I can't forgive myself because if I do, I'll think I have a chance with you and it's not like that. I can't, n-no..."

Mae grabbed his cheeks, making him lean his forehead against hers, looking into his eyes.

"You're not a beast. You're my savior, but I have to leave so I don't cause you more problems."

Noa shook his head and leaned in to kiss the human, savoring the sweet taste of Mae's mouth.

They separated as they heard horses and apes cries.

________________________________

**Tenth Act**

_________________________________

Noa was startled. The only apes near the river were from his village. And it couldn't be, they didn't have any nighttime exploration planned.

"What's going on?"

"I don't know."

He turned to the human, grabbing her cheeks to make her look at him.

"Don't worry, you hide. I'll go see what's happening."

Mae looked towards something behind the ape's back, and he turned to see what had caught her attention, finding his friends.

"Noa."

The two apes ran to hug him.

"You don't know what's going on in the village. Maximo told them about the Echo and they're all coming to kill her."

Anaya explained quickly, without taking a breath.

"How did you know?"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Soona responded with another question.

"I couldn't. She was in danger."

"We're your friends! We would have helped." -Soona raised her voice.-

"It's okay, guys. We'll discuss this later. Now we have to help the Echo." -Anaya turned to Mae.

"You have to distract them while I help her escape." -Noa grabbed Mae's hand.

"No!" -Soona refused.- "You're the clan leader, you have to give them explanations after what they found out. You have to be consistent."

The ape couldn't refuse. His friend was right.

"Mae." -he turned to her, grabbing her shoulders.- "You're going with Soona and Anaya, they'll help you."

"I'm staying with you." -Soona gave him her back as he said goodbye.-

He couldn't make her change her mind, as the apes were approaching.

"Echo. It's better if you get on my back and I'll run." -Anaya offered her back to Mae, and she got on without taking her eyes off Noa.-

________________________________

**Eleventh Act**

_________________________________

The group of apes arrived, finding Noa and Soona together. Both apes were standing side by side, bearing the gaze of the rest.

"Where is she?"

"We know, Noa. The Echo is still alive."

"We have to kill her before she attacks us."

"She's a demon."

Several apes spoke at once.

"Silence!" -Noa shouted, making them all quiet.- "She's not a demon! We're the ones who pursued her and tried to kill her without harming us."

"She'll do it, it's written."

"The elders say so."

"The elders are wrong!" -Noa shouted again.- "And the laws are wrong!"

"Noa, step aside!"

Several apes approached violently. He couldn't let his clan lose respect for their leader.

As the leader of the eagle clan and respectful of his clan's ancient tradition, he began to sing. He still hadn't joined with any bird. Due to his father's death, he had decided to wait out of respect for the previous leader. But now... it was the only solution he could think of to regain his clan's respect.

He continued singing, and no eagle came.

"It doesn't work like that!"

"What eagle would want to join you after you betrayed us?"

The apes' voices enraged him. His voice rose above theirs, and a large eagle with a strong presence landed on his arm.

When Noa looked up, he was surprised to see the eagle Sun, his father's eagle. Known as the strongestin its nest and stubborn like his father. Everyone feared and respected it.

_________________________________

**Twelfth Act**

_________________________________

Most of the apes kneeled before Noa, who stood proudly, looking at the eagle on his arm.

"It can't be, the eagle Sun has finally chosen its new master."

"It can't be, Noa, he's a traitor."

"Maximo, stop talking like that about the clan leader. He's already proven with actions that we should trust him."

One ape began to defend him, and most of them joined in. Noa knew he had regained his title as leader.

"We can't forgive his lie!"

That ape, Maximo, ran forward. Noa saw his intention to go after Noa and Anaya, so he stood in front of him, growling.

"You're not going to pass!" -he shouted, making Maximo take a few steps back.- "The Echo is my responsibility." -Noa began to address everyone.- "If anyone has a problem with her, they should come to me and I'll resolve it."

Maximo walked away with his head down.

The rest of the a apes roached to congratulate him on his union with Sol, and Soona stepped aside, observing him. In the end, it hadn't been necessary to help him; he was the clan leader, and she regretted having doubted it.

_________________________________

**Thirteenth Act**

_________________________________

The next morning, Noa met with Mae again. Anaya had told him the location where she had hidden her, in the cave where the three of them used to hide as children when they wanted to escape from their parents or play pranks.

Anaya had confided in Mae about the location, knowing how important it was to her friend Noa.

The ape and the human looked at each other intensely when they met. Mae was sitting on a rock, holding a piece of fruit, and had heard him enter. She was anxious to see him.

"Noa!" -she stood up, looking him up and down.- "Didn't they hurt you?"

"No, no, Mae." -Noa put his forehead against the human's, closing his eyes and breathing in her scent more closely.- "Y-you, are you okay?"

Mae let out a laugh.

"I'm fine. You faced your clan for... for me."

"Yes, for you. But I know that's not as scary as riding on Anaya's back and climbing up here with his rough scaling."

"Anaya took good care of me, you don't have to worry."

"I know."

Neither of them wanted to break the silence that followed. They hugged, feeling each other's skin so close. Mae's breath hit Noa's lips, and he couldn't resist anymore, leaning in to kiss her again, this time knowing every centimeter of her lips and mouth as he introduced his tongue.

"Noa."

Mae whispered the ape's name, and she pulled away, placing his lips on her cheek.

"You shouldn't kiss me like that. And I won't be able to leave if we keep doing this."

"Then don't leave. There's no need, no one wants you to leave. Come with me and live in my village, with my clan."

"No! Noa, I don't want to bring you more problems."

"You're not going to bring more problems." -Noa hugged her.- "Since I met you, you've brought nothing but joy and laughter and good thoughts to my life. You've made me happy, and I don't want to lose you."

"Okay."

Noa shouted happily, hugging the girl and lifting her up.

"You make me so happy, I love you!"

Mae looked into his eyes, unable to respond since she had lost her breath.

The human leaned in, kissing him again, this time with tenderness, and pulled away after a few seconds. As if her lips had given him strength and air to speak, she responded.

"I love you too."

_________________________________

**Final Act**

_________________________________

Mae moved in with them. The village had welcomed her with open arms when they saw her arrive with their leader.

Noa's mother received her literally in her arms, in a strong hug.

"Welcome."

The Echo, the beast everyone had feared, had found a place in everyone's heart. She had sought her place in the village and now fulfilled her responsibilities so that no one would ever have to take care of her again.

A certain leader wasn't very happy about it, since it meant they spent less time together, but he was happy seeing how everyone had learned to love her.

There was even a moment when he felt jealous of the attention she gave to the other apes.

Mae dedicated herself to healing and feeding the smaller or injured apes, or those who were lonely. This made her spend more time with others than with him. But he couldn't say anything, he had to fulfill his clan duties too.

At least he had the hope of ending the day and finding her in his nest again.

"Noa."

Mae sighed in his ear. Noa couldn't help but lie down next to the human and kiss her from her cheek to her neck. He had seen her sleeping already, but he missed her and needed to feel her in his arms.

He placed himself on top of her, lifting her clothes and pushing them aside. It wasn't the first time they had done it, but he had understood that those garments were important to cover the human's attributes. For the apes, it was rare to see those clothes, but Noa's ego grew when only he could see her like that.

Naked, trembling from his kisses and caresses, and so sensitive that she responded to every touch he gave her.

He introduced his virility, making her moan, making them both moan. His thrusts were quick and concise. That night, he needed to feel her with urgency. The desperation in his chest to make her reach climax and hear her scream his name.

"Noa!"

That scream and the contractions of the human's vagina around his penis made him come with a grunt.

"Mae, Mae."

He leaned on her, placing his elbows on both sides of Mae to avoid hurting her, and waited for his heart to calm down after coming.

"I love you."

He heard Mae.

"I love you too."

The ape responded before falling asleep next to her.

His life had taken a huge turn since the Echo, his Echo, had entered it. From believing he was going to kill a beast, to believing he had become one, to falling in love with an Echo. She had saved him from drowning in a life full of desperation and lies. She had entered his life to make the monsters that haunted him disappear. Mae was, is, and will be the love of his life forever.

________________________________

END.

#noa #mae #nomae #noa x mae #kingdom of the planet of the apes #planet of the apes #kotpota #pota #noaxmae #fanfic #fanfics #one shot #beauty and the beast #half au #smut #interspecies relationships #interspecies romance #interspecies sex #Noa hunt Mae #But the Noa Falls in love with Mae

[timetravellibrarian]

Zoro x reader

Platonic Sanji x reader

Some thoughts of our favourite cook with a friend just like him.

_________________________________________

"Hey Sanji~" (Y/n) said with a sing song voice. Both Strawhats stood side by side as they watched the ship decend even further underwater. The coating keeping everyone safe from being crushed by the pressure.

(Y/n) made sure to wear clothes that didn't reveal too much, opting to stay warm just as Robin had warned. Plus she didn't need her friend having a nosebleed.

"Where were you during the two years?" She asked, " You never told me."

Sanji looked traumatized. He held onto his chest to stop his heart from stopping at the horror-filled memories.

"I was in hell. Every second there was..." The poor man couldn't even finish his sentences. His face had gone deathly pale.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?" She asked. Concerned at what he had gone through.

🥘🔎🥘🔎🥘🔎🥘🔎🥘🔎🥘🔎🥘🔎🥘🔎

( Y/n ) watched as Sanji dived towards all the mermaids. She was honestly asking herself how she was friend with that pervert.

"Sometimes I really wanna know why me and that idiot over there are friends. Doesn't he have class?" She shook her head at his actions.

"Don't act all goody two shoes, you're both cut from the same cloth." Ussop judged the woman. His eyes squinted accusingly.

"HOW?!" (Y/n) reacted, shark shaped teeth bared. She was prepared to argue her case like a lawyer.

"Just a few minutes ago when we met up at Sabaody. Don't you remember?"

Flashback

"Looks like we're all finally here." (Y/n) said to herself.  Making sure to take count of everyone. She sat down and watched as the ship started going underwater. She could hear an argument between Zoro and Sanji.

"Just admit that you're outmatched number seven." Zoro smirked.

"Just because you got here first doesn't mean you're better than everybody!" Sanji yelled back, annoyed.

"I don't need to be better than everybody, just better than you."

'Oooohhhhhh. Sanji can't recover from that one. But I can. '

Just before (Y/n) could go rescue her friend, she took a good look at Zoro.  He seemed to have gotten taller and a lot more stronger in the last two years and that outfit change made wonders.

(Y/n)'s eyes turned to hearts. Ussop was able to catch this transformation live. His eyes widening at the speed.

"ZOROOOOOOOO~" She began, twirling toward the swordsman. Sanji's cigarette dropped of its own accord. The love tornado nearing in their direction looked dangerous.

"Huh?" Zoro caught sight of the approaching tornado. Well, sh*t.

Unbeknownst to them Nami had tapped Robin's shoulder so they could see the event about to take place.

The tornado caught Sanji and threw him to the side gently before slowing to a stop.

A rose was held up to Zoro as (Y/n) kneeled with one knee on the ground. Flowers had magically appeared around the Sunny  and  sparkles shone around the woman's eyes.

"Roronoa Zoro, you look as gorgeous as ever," she began. " No man in the world could be as handsome as you. The heavens took their time to carefully craft you and believe me, I adore the results."

Sanji's mouth fell to the floor from where he had graciously landed. He couldn't believe the betrayal.

"Get away from me, woman!" Zoro yelled but he didn't seem to shoo her away. Instead his cheeks had lightly dusted with some light pink. He averted his eyes grumbling to himself.

"You don't seem to want me to go away though," she smirked at him leaning forward till their noses nearly touched. She was on her tippy toes.  Her index finger and thumb kept his head in place so he couldn't escape.

Zoro froze in shock. This woman will be the death of me.

Sanji tornadoed towards the two and stole (Y/n) away leaving Zoro discombobulated and slightly flustered. Even after two years of everyone not seeing each other, the woman still managed to have an effect on him.

Flashback over

"That was one time!"  She tried to defend herself.

"Oh really, some of the things you say and do are more questionable that what Sanji does." Ussop continued.

"Like?" The woman crossed her arms, waiting for the sniper's explanation.

FLASHBACK

"If those guys weren't trying to hurt Big sis Robin, I woulda said smash."

Everyone at the train looked at her in shock. She was just looking outside and watching the perilous waves of Aqua Laguna with a dejected sigh.It seemed she was voicing her thoughts out loud.

When she caught their eyes on her she shrugged,"What? Just saying it like it is. But if they do hurt Robin I'm ready to up my kill count."

Another time

"Where did you get all those ropes Paulie," (Y/n) questioned the man. Everyone in the sea train was busy with their own thing but some were wondering the same thing. "It's kinda creepy."

"Well I–" he tried to defend himself but was interrupted.

"Creepy, but kinky."😏

Zoro pulled the woman away from Paulie and trapped her between his arms and placing her on his lap, effectively stopping her from talking. 'No.'

"SHE'S SO BOLD!" Both the Galley La and Franky Family yelled.

Nami smiled to herself. Ussop owed her a lot of money.

(The bet was how long she could go without saying something risky)

Another time

(Y/n) watched as Zoro brought Chopper back from nearly being eaten by sky sharks."Chopper are you alright?" For once the woman wasn't being a tornado, her eyes showed the worry for her reindeer friend.

"He'll be alright." Zoro stated. He took of his t-shirt. And went to find a new one.

He took of the shirt?!

He took it off.

(Y/n) froze. A war raged between her heart and mind. Turn around to look or have some decency and not look. She started sweating. Nami caught sight of her unusual posture and shook her which ended up making (Y/n) have a glimpse of Zoro changing into a blue vest in her peripheral.

"(Y/n) what's wrong, are you alright?"

The woman fainted. Well, not exactly. She was still awake but had hearts flying around her and her face was super warm.

"I think  Ms Spy is a little too excited from seeing our swordsman here. " Robin diagnosed. A chuckle escaping her lips.

"Seriously you and that ero-cook are  just unbelievable." Zoro sighed in annoyance.

"But what's that red colour on your fac3?" Chopper pointed out, basically snitching on Zoro.

Another time

"Guys this is my brother Ace." Luffy announced. 

"Ace here's my crew. Nami's the navigator, Zoro's the swordsman and also my firstmate, Chopper's the doctor , Sanji is the cook and (Y/n) is the spy."

Ace had taken a look at every one before meeting eyes with (Y/n). It seemed that Sanji had already placed tape on her mouth and had tied her up. All that anyone could see was the woman's heart shaped eyes.

Everyone breathed out a sigh of relief much to Ace's confusion and Zoro's irritation.

Flashback over

"In short, that's why you two are best friends."Ussop concluded, pointer finger in the air and a whiteboard behind with various drawings of the scenes . "Plus you two are great at combat when paired."

(Y/n) was walking away from Ussops lesson. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"I'm gonna find Zoro,"

"With what?"

"MY LOVE COMPASS OF COURSE!" The woman said as she twirled away with hearts revolving around her.Ussop sighed at her antics.

"ZORO-SWEET! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

#one piece #zoro #zoroxreader #one piece x reader #roronoa zoro #Roronoa Zoro x reader #xreader #x y/n

[picnokinesis]

if you would be interested in sharing your thoughts about the star beast, i would love to hear them!!

Ooh okay, so - well, first, just to start off: I think The Star Beast is a really important episode, and was very much a needed episode. The current climate in the UK regarding the trans community and their rights is getting extremely rancid, to put it lightly. Having an episode of Doctor Who with an explicitly trans character, having the other characters around her be affirming and supportive - that was awesome. Extremely awesome. And I'm really glad that RTD is loudly putting himself on this side of the whole 'debate' (which isn't really a debate, because it's just straight up bigotry from the anti-trans side, and we need people like RTD outwardly speaking out against that bigotry).

When I talk to cis people offline about this episode, that is pretty much what I say and also where I stop.

I'll put the rest under the cut hahah - there's a bit of negativity here, just as a warning for all the hardcore RTD stans, but I think it's well-founded and not vitriolic at all, just like, miffed hahaha. Also, I know there were a few trans folks who found this episode really affirming, so just to be clear: this is just my opinion, personal thoughts, and also influenced by the conversations I had with other trans people that I know and care about about the episode.

When I talk to trans people - offline or online - about this episode, I go in a lot deeper, because whilst it was a very important episode, it was somewhat flawed. It also came off the back of several things RTD had said and done that really ticked me off, and so I wasn't really in the interest of being entirely uncritical about what, to me and a lot of trans dw fans that I spoke to, thought was a very "cis" trans story. And when I watched it, I thought 'oh geez, is this how poc feel when white people try and write poc stories with good intentions but don't really get it right??" because like. Ho boy.

The thing about this episode was that RTD wanted to write an affirming trans story, and mostly did that, but also, imo...doesn't actually understand what gender and transness actually is. I think my main gripes were definitely with the climax scene - the whole 'we can let go bc we're women' thing literally made me go 'what' out loud at the screen because...well, it's just gender essentialism. Trans inclusive, sure! But trans inclusive gender essentialism is still gender essentialism. Women aren't better than men. There's actually an exceptionally good essay written by a trans woman who was still in the closet about her experiences in queer spaces that had a very prevalent anti-men attitude, and I've seen it myself irl too. It's not helpful - it's harmful, in fact - and it leans on this strange mysticism about women that is fundamentally anti-feminist, in my opinion. Women aren't "innately better at emotional and intangible, instinctive things" (and it's unspoken counterpart - "thus men are better at logical, rational things" - is also untrue). Women aren't magically better at 'letting things go' than men are - I reckon you could make an argument about men being socialised to not be emotional, and that would be an interesting conversation to have, but that was not what was being said - especially with the Doctor being raised in a society that didn't even perceive gender in the same was as humanity.

Also, the thing that REALLY got me was 'if you were a woman, you'd get it' - first of all, no. Thirteen never let anything go in her life and repressed to the max, if anything she was WORSE than tenteen at that lmao. Second - and this is the more salient point - I think it's a strange thing to suggest that tenteen is fully a man, at this point? Like, regardless of what he looks like, regardless of how he identifies or how thirteen identified, he just lived a lifetime in a body that looked like a woman, and thus was treated as such by the rest of the universe. He wasn't going to forget all of that. I actually really liked how the Chibnall era approached thirteen's gender - or, rather, her complete ambivalence to it, where it seemed like gender was more of an annoying thing that kept happening to the doctor that she kept having to remember, rather than something she felt - however I really REALLY wish they'd actually dug explicitly into the transness of it all, and so when they didn't, I'd hoped that RTD would do that instead. Especially since we KNEW Yasmin Finney was in it and we knew we were going to get a trans character!! I was like, this is the PERFECT opportunity to get the Doctor to actually talk about their gender and how it, fundamentally, doesn't really change between bodies, just how people REACT to it changes. But instead, the episode seems to present the doctor as having flicked a binary switch - once woman, now man - and thus made sure to remind us that every time thirteen was mentioned, it was framed around the fact that she was The Woman Regeneration, but also that tenteen was Now a Man Again. And even if that WAS THE CASE, it still wouldn't mean that tenteen came out of that experience completely mindwiped of everything about 'womanhood', right?? Like he lived as a woman! He was a woman 45 minutes ago, but now you're telling him that he couldn't possibly understand anything about this because he's a man now? Like first of all, his physical body's characteristics have nowt to do with his ability to let things go, second, it's just....okay, it reminds me of the dichotomy between all these detransition horror stories the anti-trans folks like to spew out, versus when you talk to actual detransitioners, who are quite often gnc and extremely positive about the trans community, and whose experience within that community and transitioning impacted how they view the world.

And I think it fundamentally comes down to RTD not really understanding either womanhood or transness. He actively speaks out on both of these things, which is great, but I don't think he understands them fully. I think the fact that he didn't think that David Tennant could wear a t-shirt, braces, trousers and coat because they were "women's clothes", and that when he cast David Tennant that was one of the first things he immediately decided is kind of telling.

There's also the whole 'male-presenting timelord' thing, which, again, I just don't think RTD really understood what that meant, like I'm not sure what his point was there, genuinely. Like, on a technical level it's acknowledging that the Doctor isn't necessarily male, just looks like a man (correct) buuuuuuuuuut the full line was saying 'you'd never understand this because you're a man' SO LIKE...okay? So he's not actually a man, but actually because of his male-adjacency, he's incapable of coming to the same conclusion that a woman did? So he's still...defined by his maleness? Hm. Strange sentence to write coming out of a trans woman's mouth.

What would have been better? I wish they'd just had Donna and Rose say 'because we're human', or maybe 'because we're the Nobles'. I also know a lot of people really didn't like the misgendering scene with the kids on the bikes - I think my personal feelings on that are a little more complicated, as a trans person who is not out irl and functionally uses my birthname almost everywhere, but also isn't triggered by it. It's not a deadname, more like a paperwork name rather than my preferred name, right? But I know for a lot of trans people, deadnaming is like psychological warfare and it's really awful, especially when done with malicious intent (like shown in the scene with the boys on the bikes). However...I do understand why RTD included this scene, and actually kind of agree with him. Because the boys on the bikes are the sort of people who are also watching the show. And so then seeing that kind of thing being condemned by the narrative by a key, beloved character, is probably something that's actually helpful. On the other hand though...in the Doctor Who Unleashed (or whatever the behind the scenes thing is called now), you've got this interview with Yasmin Finney saying that it was actually a pretty triggering scene to film for her and genuinely affected her, and I'm like....okaaaaaay then I REALLY hope they had someone she could talk to on set. Like, fundamentally, I think telling these stories are important, but, yknow, not at the expense of the actual actress' mental wellbeing, right? So that concerned me a bit.

I also think that the scene between Sylvia and Donna in the kitchen talking about Rose was brilliant. And this is because it was about cis people trying to understand and support trans people whilst not completely getting it and making mistakes, but also trying their best!! Which RTD does understand, very well!! And it felt so real. It was fantastic. There's also the part with the whole 'did you assume the meep's pronouns' whiiiiiiiich I have mixed feelings about? I think here, RTD was trying to poke fun at the people who do say that sort of thing to make fun of trans people, and having the Doctor be like 'actually this is a good point we should be checking this sort of thing'......however. I don't think I've ever heard 'did you assume my pronouns' come out of a trans person's mouth. It's always been a cis person mocking our community. So it felt a bit...incongruent. And all that needed to be changed was having Rose say 'how do you know the meep is a he?' - like that was all it needed!!! Also, it was a shame that after the delightful moment of the doctor being like 'SAME HAT' regarding the meep's pronouns, that.....we then had NO OTHER DISCUSSION about the doctor's gender!! Like, Russel, dude, you're really gonna have Rose hear the 'male-presenting' guy say 'oh yeah I do that with pronouns too!! :D' - have her NOT REACT TO THAT AT ALL - and then you're gonna have her say by the end 'oh you don't understand bc you're a man :)' after her non-binary power move moment? Sighs. Yeah.

I think another important thing to remember here is that there were no trans folks in the writer's room on this. Now, this is a tricky one because I think people who aren't part of a certain community should be writing stories outside their own knowledge and experience, and should be encouraged to do so!! I don't think that you need to have everything rubberstamped, and even something written by someone in a certain community isn't going to resonate with everyone in that community. Actually, I think it's unhelpful to start getting into the politics of 'who is allowed to write what' - I think anything written with care and good intention is valuable, especially if the writer is willing to listen to constructive criticism and learn from any mistakes that are made. But I think, as a writer myself, if you are going to write a story about that community, it might be worth 1) talking to them a bit more than I think RTD did - but, to be fair, I don't actually know how much research he did, but, well, see above on the fact I don't think he really got what he was writing about - but also 2) not dismissing writers from that community (and others!), which RTD did in an interview not thaaaaaaat long before the episode aired. Again, to be fair to him, he has since then been like 'oh, we need to mentor and encourage the new generation of trans writers and writers of colour', which, great! But also, sir, then why were you saying that all the scripts you got from minority writers were all awful, angry, and lacked any love for tv like skksks SIR. SIR. The thing that gets me about that comment in particular is that, as someone currently starting out in script writing, I know exactly how hard it is to get at all noticed. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of passion, a lot of hard work and a lot of skill - and a lot of luck too, granted, but not luck along. So, RTD, if these writers got their scripts to your literal desk, as showrunner of Doctor Who...I think they have some love and passion. They HAVE to, to get to the point where he is reading those scripts. Also maybe RTD should unpack the fact that he thought the scripts were bad because they were too angry - I mean, I haven't read them, so I don't know, but maybe, sir, feeling uncomfortable about the anger in a script isn't a bad thing. Not every story is meant to be an easy pill to swallow. There are aromantic stories I want to write about romance as horror, romance as a virus, romance as a destructive force, that I think a lot of alloromantic people will find uncomfortable. Does that mean they're bad? Maybe, lol. Mostly they're bad because they're not written yet lmao, but I don't think the anger and discomfort in them makes them inherently weak. In fact, I think often anger can make a story stronger.

So then, I think The Star Beast left a sour taste in the back of my mouth, despite all the positive aspects of it, because of that. I think that comment also kinda left me frustrated about Dot and Bubble, even though I think that was a fantastic episode and genuinely really well done, and very effective - and I'm genuinely loathe to criticise it at all because I think it was so important - but. Having RTD talking in an interview about wondering how long the audience will take to notice that the cast is all white (and, thus, the depicted society is racist) whilst sitting in a writers room that's all white iiiiiiiiiiis uh. I don't think he thought about that SKKS. I think a lot about Sacha Dhawan talking about how you can be as inclusive on screen as you like, but if it's all 'white behind the lights' then how much does that inclusivity actually mean?

RTD definitely had good intentions and wrote a mostly good story. But he definitely fell down in some regards, aaaaaand well. I don't know. My personal opinion is that he's kind of arrogant and thinks he's infallible as a writer (and I may feel this way bc of the way parts of the fandom seem to put him on a pedestal, if I'm honest) - but I think that he's just human. He doesn't get things perfectly right all the time, and that's absolutely fine, but I think it's interesting and important to discuss those pitfalls, and I just wish he'd stop making it feel like he thinks he can write trans stories better than, yknow, actual trans people, and then write the most cis trans story I've ever seen SKSKSKSK

(AND ACTUALLY - sorry, this is getting long, but it's kind of indicative of the whole industry at the moment? The industry is calling for more diverse voices, more diverse stories - but they also want stories that can appeal to the widest possible audience, the common denominator, and thus "trans stories by trans people for trans people" doesn't actually tick that box. This didn't hit me until I wrote a trans horror script that got shortlisted for a script call, but when I spoke to the (cis) producer and director (who were LOVELY, the producer had a gorgeous dog called Biscuit HAHA) I very quickly realised that they did not get it. They didn't understand. "Why do we have to kill the mirror demon that's the girl part of this trans man?" they asked. "She should get to live too!" But: "She was never a part of him," I had to say. "She was the idea of him that everyone around him thought he was, and thought it so strongly that she became real. It was her or him." They didn't really understand, but on the plus side it did highlight to me what was unclear in my script that none of my (trans) proof readers had picked up on (although my transfemme friend made the HILARIOUS comment that maybe the mirror demon could go and find a nice trans girl to possess? WHICH SKSKSKSKKSKSK I MEAN -))

Anyway. -gestures nebulously- I feel like my thoughts were a lot more concise and well constructed in the week after this episode actually aired hahaha, but I didn't want to throw my hat into the ring back then. I did find it amused how the majority of my cis trans-affirming friends were like 'GREAT EPISODE, RIGHT?!!' and the majority of my trans friends were sending me the grimace emoji in the week after the episode aired LMAO

#taka replies #anon #ohhhhhh i should not tag this for the main tag but i'm gonna do it anyway because I want it filed correctly on my blog RIP #doctor who #i've not proofread this so apologies for any mistakes #gender #lgbt+ #trans

[siriuslynephilim]

i just came out to a real life person and i think im having a heart attack

#IT WAS SO UNPLANNED I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT ALL I DIDN'T EVWN THINK WE WERW FRIENDS?? #she lives in the building next to mine and we go to tui together to divide the auto fare and we've been walking home 2-3 dino se #and she likes kpop and kdramas #but like there isn't that Spark yk like oh ny god i love u best friends forever its a little awkward and formal still #but we were talking about something and oh my god #when we reached home we were standing uski building ke neeche and she was like i want to introduce you to my childhood bestie i think you #two will like each other #and i was like kinda weirded out like um are we that close yet i thought we were just classmates 😭😭 #so i asked ki oh why all of a sudden #and she's like 'i like you' and i look at her and laugh and she said STOP LAUGHING i don't meant it like that im straight ok #and idk something in me snapped i was like oh are u homophobic too? #but pls she didn't know what it meant 😭 so i explained ki do u hate gay people then #she said no no ofc not SO I JUST BLURTED OUT KI good cause im bisexual #THE SHOCK ON HER FACE OMG im saying this now in freaking out now but at that time i said it really coolly and proudly without fumbling #my voice didn't drop down to a low volume or waver or anything (which im so proud bc she's like the first irl person ive come out to face #to face??????? i mean obv childhood friends don't count they're all gay #but anyway she was like OH and then SHE FUMBLED she was like oh nice i respect u very much and it was so awkward i was like haan haan shut #up just don't tell anyone very few ppl know 😭and she wasn't done she was like so as i was saying #we're growing old and real good friendships are getting harder to find and i like you (stop laughing!!) and i hope we don't jinx it #and she literally touched a wooden table lying there and said touchwood???? 😭😭😭😭😭 #now i am thinking why did i tell her she's so extroverted she talks to everyone we go to the same tui this town is tiny #she could tell everyone my parents could find out #but also a part of me is relieved cause im so sick of hiding something that is such a small yet imp part of me #and if she tells everyone then cool maybe there'll be more queer people i can't ve the only queer person in this town and we could be #friends and my parents eh they'd never believe something like that they'll ask me if it's true and ill say nah just rumors dumb kids #and they'll believe me because they'll want to believe me so bad #so no harm #i still don't feel very bestfriendy with her but maybe my standards are too high 😭 idk ig i can't see myself being friends with her #for a long time if we weren't forced by circumstances and i don't like her that much but im happy i got to say it #literally said it omg 'kyunki main hu. bisexual' FUCK THAT FELT GOOD

[genderfluidgothwitch]

Oh MIL is something else today

#apparently she asked my husband about us moving and if we're going to move all three of us (basically asked my husband if were leaving her) #and it's like no????? you're the one putting the deposit down on a place??? #like my MIL is codependent on my husband to the nth degree but we also genuinely can't afford to move without her #and she can't afford to live without us #so we're moving as a family #that's been established since we first talked about getting a place together as a family #but i guess she has it in her head that we don't want to move with her bc we keep 'shooting down her ideas' #and we're just like all we said was we didn't want to live in the same condo complex as my husbands horrible ex friend????? #it's just freaking ridiculous all around #but anyways she wanted to have this convo with my husband again after he had worked a 12+ hour day and he said no he didn't have the energy #and she got defensive about THAT like we're somehow gonna be the ones responsible if we accidentally got locked in another year o the lease #no mom you just really suck at picking places to live #she's thinking short term bc she just wants to get tf out of here (fine; same) and Kaiden and i are thinking about starting a family #we also want a theoretical space for Silas so they don't have to go back to my parents house ever again #but i digress yet again #sigh

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (23m) the Asshole for not giving my houseguest (23m) a ride?

We're letting a friend of my sibling's stay at our house while he looks for a job bc he's homeless right now and it's a shitty situation to be in.

He does have a car but more often than not we're driving him around unless he's on 'personal errands', which can see him driving as far as VA or PA (we live in MD). The night before he had an emergency & needed to drive to DC.

He's a cool enough guy, but he's got some living habits that are a little annoying to deal with. (Leaves his stuff everywhere but doesn't help clean being a main one). That and literally everyone who lives here has been helping him out.

My aunt got him an employment opportunity with a high rep restaurant (bc she went to culinary school w/ the owner), my mom let's him use her laptop so he can work on his resume, my sibling rewrote his ENTIRE RESUME for him (bc his initial try got wiped by a glitch & he just gave up I guess), and I've been driving him around everywhere.

Yesterday, a beautiful day, he invited me to come with him ona nature walk. I was ecstatic but as soon as I got ready and we stepped out the house he asked me "okay, so who's driving?"

Despite him inviting me, I was the one who ended up taking us there and back & making annoying pitstops for him right before bumper to bumper traffic. (Fun Fact! I really really hate driving more than I have to!)

Tonight there's an event that I've been excited for all week that he just decided he wanted to go to today, but it's a black tie event & he didn't have any formal wear. He said he'd go to Walmart real quick to pick up a shirt and I thought I'd just meet him there. But then he came up to me and asked if I could drive him to Walmart & the party.

When I told him I didn't want to drive to Walmart for him, he said "oh, that's fine. I just don't have a job right now and I'm trying to save money. But that's cool." Keep in mind I am also unemployed atm.

I left without him & he'll be meeting me at the event but I keep having this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I'm an asshole bc I had nothing stopping me from giving him a ride other than 'not wanting to'. I guess i'm just looking for validation or smth bc I feel like im going crazy

#aita #am i the asshole

[zemnarihah]

my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....

#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth #she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her #directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her #and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because #you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple #days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and #she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends. #and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only #give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i #didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she #says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do. #i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was #really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think #for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe #since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why. #i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a #fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if #i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person #to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a #conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a #hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend #group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.

[astrxealis]

good morning 🥺

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #sorrey ... not active ..... lots going on but also not (?) #IDK anyways i've reconnected w an old friend who's a childhood friend bcs shes the daughter of my mom's friend ^___^ #she said she's gna get into the 1975 more !! but she's alrdy going to the arctic monkey's concert soon which is super cool #and i rmbr our mom asked me and lune if we knew them too <3 but we didn't know there was a legit concert SOBS #yeah miss her a lot and it's sweet how wnvr we do reconnect a bit it always so happens we're into the same thing of sorts :(( #AND THEN! wow idk i've grown a lil less hesitant. somehow. idk. literally replied to the story on ig of a guy ik but haven't talked to in ag #ages* purely bcs he kept posting like woaaa based game and then ff6 best ff so i was like SO TRUE but have u played 14 #and he has NOT but does want to and then wow we could have had a lil convo but i left to watch a movie sorry bro <//3 #what else ... hmm ..... WELL. an old friend from all the way in 6th grade. okay so we often message each other a bit just like 'hey wna be #grpmates' or smth like that and that one time where they gave me a lil help for the chem grp work and i'm like. just comfy talking like #myself fr BUT THENNN messaged me sometime last week bcs. like smth w a grpwork and they got anxious they did smth wrong #bcs no one in the gc replied to them (sorry i didn't either SOBS) T___T ended up turning the convo to 'hey wt abt i finally try to talk w u #properly more' and HELL YEAHHH we both r the kinds that talk/type a lot but sometimes dip and disappear how lovely /gen LMAO <3 #idk. uhm. with the school fair we have booths and shifts for the booths and my group is the one with uhh the 4 kids who i'm often groups #with and they're all the. yk kids. ppl who i'd get along w and i've been classmates w all of em b4 but you see they're a grp of friends now #RAGHH ONE OF THEM IK LIKES PERSONA (MULTIPLE?? IDK. they once were like yo apollo u seem like u like persona lol #IDK WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN but yes i do have akechi and ren charms on my backpack for school #AND THEN ONE is into like gi pjsk a lot of rhythm games and gacha mobile but all like uhh. yeah? tot love live bandori ... still cool fr tho #she's rlly nice tbh lol ^___^ wait tbh all of them are HELP but uhm idk but it's nice when ppl r nice to me #tbf that's literally how i got my first crush BUT WE DON'T TALK ABT THAT !! yk sometimes i unconsciously wonder abt her or look for her and #then i did see her again after a few months since seeing her early in on the school year bcs shes in basketball and i hung out at the uhh #covered court w my best friend whos in another varsity bcs we stayed late at school that day to help out w fair preparations! #i refuse to like her again but i realize i like that familiarity with feelings and uhmm yeah shes cool ig i kinda wish i was less. uhm. shy #back then? you see i barely cld talk to her ... LIKE. she'd be like. heyy! and do shit sometimes and i WOULDN'T TALK or just smile and #mumble RAFGHHHFHFHDHH but she'd say hi to me and include me in things and jokes and it made me rlly /@!(@/'dmdkzn okay #AND sometimes when i do talk back I am SOOOO GODDAMN AWKWARD GOOD GODS anyways now i'm like. less awkward. or maybe i've just accepted it n #i'm cooler now B) and a lot more confident zEjfhejdjsnk. yeah. and uhmm yeah that's it #BUT YEAH nice classmate she asked me for a hug once lol and i notice she's affectionate w her friends n it reminds me of m y own bestie awhh #she sometimes talks to me which i rlly appreciate even if it prolly seems like i hate her sorry i just suck w talking

[buckleydiazmp4]

it's tag venting time

#i've had this friendship. of like. 5 years #and well #we used to be really really close #and in hindsight i guees it was because we literally saw each other for 8 hours straight every day of the week #and then that stopped happening #i literally haven't seen this person in about a year and a half i think? maybe more? #despite the fact that we basically live walking distance from each other. which. already says a lot #but then there's also a bigger issue. because hey i get it we're both busy ppl it's okay if qe haven't seen each other in a while #(despite the fact that in this case it is because of a lack of trying -i like to believe not on my part- but ignoring that) #we text sporadically when we have something to let off our chest so it's like this back and forth of voice notes every week or so #but lately its has turned into them sending me groups of 5-minute voice notes at a time because their life is so. so dramatic #and like. hey if this were still like a mutual communication i would enjoy it because i am indeed a good listener #and i like to believe i guve good advice. and i used to give this person good advice like. it was a nice friendship back then #but it became so one-sided as in i received info dumps and vents about the same stuff over and over and the few times i talked about myself #i received some half-hearted dismissals like. oh cool or oh that's so sad. anyways. and then we went back to talking about them. #and it was so frustrating but at first i thought well if they're gonna use me as a venting device so will i despite getting no input like #they became a void to me which i was getting gradually accustomed to it was fine. but then today they asked if i could talk on the phone #i said yes because i wanted to prove my theory. the plan was: i answer #let them talk without offering any input whatsoever. see how long they can just talk and talk and then in the end see if my lack of answer- #-elicited any reaction at all. and unsurprisingly it didn't. i waited for them to finish and then i thought #well at least they might ask me how my day was or something just to confirm i was listening like idk but #i personally would find the quiet unsettling and would ask.but they didn't even do that. asked me if i had homework i said yes. that was it #that was IT!!! i felt so frustrating but at least i was entirely correct and it does hurt to lose a friend but this had been coming #for a long long time. the thing is though i cant just cut this person off #i hate confrontation so all i cant do is keep up this sort of a 'quiet quitting' kind of attitude. pretty easy to do with someone like this #so anyway. that's how you realize a friendship is fake and now i am a bit angry and also sad. but i guess i'll deal with it and move on #if you read all this hi and sorry for the venting. i just had to get it off my chest #vent post

[bladeofthestars]

.

#and i think they expected my partner to cave and say yes get it since they asked more than once but we didn't like the location either #which was by the way RIGHT NEXT TO A HIGHWAY RAMP. can you imagine the fucking noise?! #i was already depressed living in their hoity toity neighborhood and hearing the highway all the time despite seeing so many trees #no fucking way i'm going to move to an apartment complex basically on the highway that purports itself to be just as good as owning a house #when i know I wouldn't be able to modify the property or have a yard or do gardening or fucking anything #and i'm still fucking mad we're moving into an apartment and not renting a house right now #we could have had a house for less than this a year ago but my partner said the rent was too much #now we're in a fucking apartment for more #i wanted a yard #i have been so frustrated and feel like i have no control over literally anything recently #i'm very happy to be out of their place and maybe it will help me feel like i have some control again #but man like nothing has been going my way and a bunch of my stuff depends on other people being open especially my partner #who keeps turning down various things on the basis of needing to do other important stuff AND THEN NOT DOING THAT STUFF EITHER #my pain makes me feel extra out of control #i can't do a task myself and ask my partner to help or do it for me. they've chastised me for not asking for help in the past. i ask. #the task is determined to either be not important enough to actually be done or they don't do it the way that i want and are defensive when #i ask that it actually be done the different way. like i go above and beyond for them and sacrifice time to go do menial stuff #because i currently have more time than them. like getting this outfit for them. i want to tear my hair out and scream #and underlying all of that my family fucking sucks and i can't do anything about that. and the world fucking sucks too #i need to go back or i'll get too tired to drive

[guinevereslancelot]

is there any worse feeling than when you feel like someone is mad at you bc they literally are mad at you

#i came into the living room and my dad was yelling abt how he basically hates everyone in the whole family #bc nobody got around to reqding the latest chapter of his book yet #but he was really upset and mad #i get being hurt by that but it literally is not a personal rejection people are just busy idk #he didn't let on he was upset at all until he completely flipped out #now he doesn't want anyone to read it anymore #he's really hurt tho bc we all always read my mom's stuff #and my brother and i talk abt what we're writing together all the time #and i get there's a special kind of hoy sharing your writing with someone but only when they're really interested and engaged #unfortunately the two people most likely to care abt hia book are my two oldest brothers and they dont live w us #so they cant really give him that feedback #he did send hia chapters to them but they arent around to talk abt it and havent responded yet #basically nobody actually cares abt his book #he's been talking abt writing one for like ten years or more and only started in the past few months #its a zombie book and full of his really weird and controversial political and religious takes tho sp its a stressful read #i dont really agree w him on certain issues and we're ok abt it usually but it makes reading it more stressful #anyway #he's really upset tho #and he can only express unpleasant emotions through anger so i shut down and cant interact #and he specifically said he doesnt want people do do the thing he's so hurt that we didnt do #so there's no real way to set things right to alleviate my anxiety #he's a very difficult person to love with sometimes but he's really generous and has done a lot to help me #so i can live my dream and start a business and he's not really pressuring me abt my job seaech and rent and stuff #so it does make me feel guilty that i basically didn't care abt his book #it wouldnt be as bad if literally everyone in the family hadn't also done that #when he does to much for everyone #he's mad at everyone but im the only one having a panic attack and im the only one he didn't yell at #he's not handling his emotions well but neither do i so we usually just dont acknowledge things like this until everyone is over it #but i hate that i literally need conflict to be resolved immediately or i go insane

[xcziel]

.

#not me in my imagination thinking the snty video shows signs of hasty editing #after nj's recent music rec post after the decision came down regarding relations while serving in the military #the delulu in me just wants somebody to edit him looking her in the eye and then walking right past her #to meet another 'figure' standing silhouetted in that golden light everywhere #like i'm sorry - we're not supposed to take the lyrics seriously when we have ... no pronouns just 'you' #we have dna. we have the sun and moon. we have the fallen angel symbology. #(can i say the man references afterglow a lot when really it's just been two times but if i had a nickel etc etc) #i just have this feeling like the mv might have been making a kind if statement if certain things turned out differently #but they didn't and so to use a sports metaphor the runner taking a lead off returned back to base #that doesn't negate the fact that there's this feeling that this guy is just itching to sprint like hell for home plate you know? #i do really want the story of the mv bc it does not make sense the way it's edited but people spotted luhrman romeo & juliet references #so yeah starcrossed but fated live thrown in there #as many have said ... who is the big mj stan and then all the literal tips of the hat to mj here #and the other choreo callbacks and other matching moves? #like he does this and then says don't read anything into the lyrics ... #personally i think he's remembering how all the people looked at alone and face off and started commenting #'break-up?' 'break-up?' like the seagulls in finding nemo even though jm ssid what the songs were about #there are sad songs about heartbreak on the album and i think his statement was more pointed at those #like i get that he chose the songs thinking hey these sentiments are pretty universal people can sing along to these #just as he says but - this one. this one just feels like there's more to unpack #but that's me living in my imagination where there's more to the mv than is on my screen rn