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hellomynameisbisexual · 5 years

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Am I Bisexual?

By: John Paul Brammer

Welcome to ¡Hola Papi!, the advice column where John Paul Brammer helps people work through their anxieties, fears, and life's queerest questions. If you need advice, send him a question at [email protected].

¡Hola, Papi!

I’m a “straight” girl in my early 20s and super confused about my sexuality. I think I’m developing a crush on a girl.

For background, I was raised in the deep South and my family is super religious. I never thought I was into girls because, well, I liked boys. But now I’m not so sure. I might be bi, but I didn’t even know what bi was until I was 17. I’ve developed a crush on one of my friends who is a lesbian, and I’m not sure if I should do anything about it.

I think I might have liked other girls previously, but we were all pretty close friends. I’m not sure if I’m confusing close platonic feelings for romantic ones. I don’t even know if she’d like me back. Should I try dating different girls first to see if I like girls? Should I tell my friend I like her? Am I just in a gray area of sexuality? I’m really out of my depth here.

Sincerely,

Baby Bi(?)

Hey there, BB!

Sounds like you might not be straight. Don’t panic! There are perhaps dozens of us who aren’t straight and together we form a mighty collective. Sometimes we carpool, and sometimes we exchange baked goods. I have a good time here, anyway.

I’m not saying you have to identify yourself as bi now. That’s all up to you! In fact, don’t feel too bogged down by capital I “identity” just yet. I think often times people get fixated on making sure they’ve got the right nomenclature down before they allow themselves to do anything. I can understand the impulse. Many in the LGBTQ+ community are (pretty reasonably) vigilant about people co-opting language and culture to use as queer decoration for their otherwise cishet lives.

But I’ve noticed this sentiment a lot with my bisexual readers in particular: They really, really want to make sure they’re An Actual Bi™ before they go about dating or entering community spaces. They want to make sure they have the “valid” rubber stamp of approval first. I love that people want to be respectful. That’s nice! But I can’t help but think that if we didn’t interrogate bisexual people so much about what they “really” are or aren’t, this process would be a lot smoother for so many people.

I mean, how are any of us really supposed to firm up an identity before we’ve even put ourselves out there? Especially when, like in your case, we grew up in environments where we were denied the vocabulary to even address our desires? It’s like asking you to build a marshmallow bridge, but all you’ve been given are popsicle sticks and no marshmallows. (That metaphor absolutely worked and I won’t hear any criticism of it. Write your own column, brain geniuses.)

All this is to say that I think you’re putting the identity horse before the horny carriage. Dating girls just to validate your crush on your lesbian friend isn’t a good strategy. Those girls have feelings and lives of their own and probably have better things to do than to be your gay science project. You think you like this girl. This one, in particular. That’s a great starting point! Consider your feelings and express them. She might like you back. If not, then you’ve got a great friend who is already part of the community and who can hopefully help you figure some things out.

You can worry about which letter of The Big Queer Alphabet you want to move into at any point. But don’t get so caught up in existential “what am I?” angst that it compounds the already fraught endeavor of figuring out your sexual orientation.

Yes, you are indeed in a sexual gray area. Many people are, if not most! I’d love for you to think of this as more of an opportunity for self-discovery than as a crisis that has you “out of your depth.” Have fun with it! Get excited, even! Whatever happens and however you end up defining yourself, something gay is afoot here, and I love that for all of us. We’ll be here with your baked goods as a welcoming gift if you do decide to join us.

Con mucho amor,

Papi

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texanredrose · 6 years

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The Spectre of the Opera

Another story I’ve had forever and will never get around to writing. This one’s just drama and angst! With a happy ending! Based on Phantom of the Opera because I am a predictable bastard. And if you’re wondering what ship... I honestly couldn’t decide, which is why I won’t be pursuing the project, but there’s alternate endings for whichever one you want to sail (or depending on if you’re looking for a love story or a horror story). Anyway, have fun.

Blake is orphaned at a young age and taken in by Madame Goodwitch, dance instructor at the Vale Opera House. She befriends the resident 'Spectre', Weiss, who was abandoned by her aristocratic family due to the physical deformity covering the left side of her face. Weiss was also taken in by Madame Goodwitch, but she lives in the shadows of the Opera House, out of sight as much as possible except to Madame Goodwitch and Blake, neither of whom balk at the scars on her face. As Blake grows up, she becomes a talented dancer in her own right while learning how to sing from Weiss in the shadows, and leading up to the season after her twentieth birthday, she catches the interest of stagehand Adam as well as a few of the other performers within the cast, Ilia and Velvet being a few of them. Blake is friendly with everyone on the crew and often ignores any romantic overtures, not wanting to stir up trouble among them.

Eventually, the Opera House is bought by two up-and-coming entrepreneurs- Neptune and Sun- who have managed to secure financial backing from Viscountess Yang Xiao Long, who isn't nearly as interested in the arts but wants somewhere for her sister, Ruby, to practice what will become the first special effects of their kind seen in theatre. None of them know much about the art of running a theatre but Sun and Neptune are confident it can’t be much different than their usual businesses and Yang is rich enough she doesn’t care if the venture tanks.

Initially, Neptune and Sun are put off by the cast and crew's reverence towards the Spectre- whom they don’t believe really exists- and try to change how the Opera House is run to better suit their limited understanding, not wanting to seem like pushovers. This includes promoting Blake from support to primary cast, which the Spectre is okay with, but some other things appear to touch a nerve. When they invite the Viscountess to watch a practice performance, however, is when things become a bit more serious as Yang becomes smitten with Blake and begins attempting to woo her. In an effort to curb the co-owners' and the Viscountess' meddling, Weiss begins sabotaging little things around the Opera House to drive them off; prior to this, the new owners took the Spectre as being the unofficial voice of the crew, not an actual being unto herself, and Weiss isn’t above playing up the ‘haunted’ angle if it means driving them away. It doesn't work, of course, and creates tension between Blake and Weiss instead, seeing as Blake can recognize her friend’s handiwork even without catching sight of the secretive woman. Adam becomes a bit overprotective of Blake as well, seeing the Spectre's actions as harmful to her, but also works against Yang whenever the Viscountess visits, seeing her as a rival.

Everything comes to a head during the Opera House's premiere, which Yang attends to proudly introduce Blake's debut, when Weiss and Adam unknowingly stage several mishaps aimed at Neptune, Sun, and Yang simultaneously, and the cumulative chaos created is far worse than either anticipated. The entire fiasco is blamed on the Spectre, however, prompting Blake to become angry with Weiss' actions (and Adam's actions attributed to her) and leave the Opera House to live with Yang while repairs are done- an offer Yang made immediately when it became apparent that the opportunity would arise.

In the quiet months until the Opera's grand reopening, Weiss decides to show that she never intended for Blake to be adversely affected by writing a play for her, as well as to making amends for the business lost. Little does she know, Blake’s growing closer to Yang during this time but, though she's still angry with the Spectre, admits her parting words were unnecessarily harsh; Weiss admitted to the things she did but vehemently denied others and Blake knows Weiss well enough to know she wasn’t lying. Yang urges her to worry about the Spectre later, convinced that whatever relationship they share is platonic despite some of Blake's statements that hint at a deeper connection.

At the turn of the New Year, Neptune and Sun host a masquerade at the Opera House to commemorate its reopening. Yang and Blake attend, of course, wearing matching costumes, though Blake jokes that some might get the wrong idea and think they're engaged. The party is in full swing when Weiss appears to present the finished play, only to recognize Blake in her masque and become bitter about the apparent progress in her and Yang's relationship. Yang takes this as an attack and tries to fight the Spectre but Weiss retreats, using her own version of Ruby's special effects to make her escape. Concerned about what angering the Spectre again might cost them, Neptune and Sun go ahead with Weiss' play, using it to reopen their season.

In the downtime between practices, Blake tries to find Weiss but is either unsuccessful, is interrupted by Yang, or interrupted by Adam. Although she brushes Adam off and implores Yang to leave her be until she's made amends with the Spectre, Weiss refuses to show herself until a week before the premiere, confronting Blake over the perceived slight of abandoning her to run away with Yang. Blake fires back by reminding Weiss that she never asked to be an Opera star and would rather travel the world- something Weiss would never do for fear of leaving the Opera House and being subject to ridicule- but hasn't left purely because she doesn't want to abandon Weiss. The two argue about the depth and meaning of their relationship and part on bad terms, with Weiss angry that Blake's apparently choosing Yang over her while Blake is frustrated by her own conflicted feelings regarding both women.

The night before the premiere, Yang attempts to engage the Spectre, calling out in the empty backstage while unaware that Adam is also listening in, and announces that she intends on proposing to Blake after the show. This draws Weiss out into the open and the two argue briefly about what is best for Blake before acknowledging that making a choice for her isn't right for either of them to do. Finally, they come to a compromise: if Blake accepts the proposal, Weiss will not stand in the way, but if she declines, then Yang will leave for Vacuo and let her sister manage any financial obligations to the Opera House. Adam, bitter that his own attempts to woo Blake aren’t even acknowledged, begins plotting.

The night of the premiere, the audience is enamored by the performance and the play itself- which is basically Beauty and the Beast, as a side note- and Yang proposes as promised. Blake, overwhelmed from the standing ovation and unsure of her feelings, accepts, not wanting to embarrass Yang by declining publicly. Weiss, absolutely devastated, honors her promise and leaves a single, light purple rose with a congratulatory note for Blake in her dressing room and a vow to remain out of the way. Despite caring for Weiss, Blake cares for Yang as well, and reasons that she would eventually have to choose between them anyway to try and assuage her guilt and doubts. Weiss remains in the shadows for the rest of the play's run through the week and avoids any possible interaction with Blake. Meanwhile, Adam takes the Spectre's silence as a sign she's given up, leaving him only Yang to see as an enemy.

Yang, sensing Blake's doubts, tries her best to ease her concerns and be supportive, visiting the Opera House daily to check up on Blake and is caught offguard when the Spectre appears. Where prior to this Weiss has opted for elaborate costumes more reminiscent of what would be seen on stage than worn in practicality, her wardrobe now is just enough to look presentable, absolutely no effort put into any extra flair. It unnerves Yang until Weiss speaks, having appeared for the purpose of relaying a simple request: that the wedding ceremony be held within view of the Opera House. Although heartbroken, Weiss would like to see Blake on her wedding day to wish her well, and Yang tentatively agrees, beginning to doubt her own decisions once faced with how hard the Spectre is taking the development. Blake, upset by Weiss' avoidance of her and with only Yang to turn to for support as she tries to cope with the attention the play’s brought, urges for the ceremony to take place soon, hoping the distance from the Opera House provided by their honeymoon might clear her troubled mind. Neptune and Sun are more than willing to allow the wedding to take place in front of the Opera House and help with the preparations, though they are curious about the lack of directions from the Spectre. Even Madame Goodwitch is concerned, admitting the Spectre won’t appear for her either, and it marks the first time their resident ghost has avoided even her presence.

Finally, the day of the wedding comes. The event is an all around splendid affair, right up until about halfway through the ceremony itself, when Weiss appears atop the Opera House. Only Blake and Yang notice her presence at first, both of them assuming she's going to intervene. However, as they watch, the Spectre offers a gesture she and Blake came up with- a secret, silent way of wishing good luck- and Blake quietly explains that Weiss is giving her blessing to their union. At first, Yang is grateful the other woman is honoring her word and not standing in the way but then she notices the distinct look of disappointment and doubt lingering in Blake's expression, as if the reality of her actions had just asserted itself.

Concerned she may have forced Blake to make a choice she wasn't prepared for, Yang is about to bring the ceremony to a halt when Adam appears, objecting to the union and challenging Yang to a duel for Blake's hand. Frankly a little glad she has someone else to blame calling off the wedding on- because there’s no way they can proceed with their vows, in her mind- Yang accepts, but is distracted when one of Adam's fellow stagehands attempts to grab Blake, leaving her open for a deep slice through her right arm that leaves her unable to defend herself adequately while Adam presses the attack.

Before Adam can land a killing blow, however, the Spectre intervenes, using more of Ruby's special effects to distract Adam before appearing at the entrance of the Opera House, seemingly with Blake draped over one shoulder and proclaiming herself as the one to take Blake to wife before retreating with her prize. Adam gives chase, leaving Yang to realize that Weiss was bluffing; Sun finds an unconscious Blake hidden beneath a table near the altar.

Within the Opera House, Weiss and Adam have a showdown on the stage, which Weiss has quickly rigged to explode while using misdirection to send Adam hunting for her elsewhere in the Opera House. By the time Adam realizes he’s been had, Weiss springs her trap, confining both of them within a wall of fire as everything begins to burn. That doesn’t stop Adam from making a blind charge, sending both of them rolling through the flames until one of the catwalks overhead falls, trapping him beneath it.

Seeing the smoke, Yang gathers her strength and charges into the Opera House to search for the Spectre, finding the woman already suffering from burns and unable to see enough to seek safety on her own. Blake awakens, is given a quick synopsis of recent events by Sun, and hurries into the Opera House herself in search of Yang and Weiss. (At least one character will remark on how dumb it is for not one, but two people to attempt this.) Yang tries to carry Weiss out but succumbs to blood loss and falls to the ground, leaving Weiss to try and drag both of them out. Blake finds them as the fire begins to spread, Yang unconscious and Weiss on the verge of it. Although Weiss urges Blake to take Yang and save themselves, Blake manages to drag both of them to the safety of the steps, where the Opera House's cast and crew are waiting to take them to safety.

While the fire brigade and medical personnel are arriving, Yang regains consciousness long enough to tell the officiant not to complete the marriage certificate, citing that they need some time to recover while explaining to Blake that she understands that she shouldn't have forced Blake to choose between herself and Weiss when she wasn't ready. Although still very much in love with Blake, Yang respects that Weiss loves her, too, and admits that the three of them should talk things over before rushing to any decisions.

Half a year later, the Vale Opera House is once again restored, Neptune and Sun proudly announcing a new play, entitled The Spectre of the Opera and revolving around a love triangle between the titular Spectre, the star of the Opera, and the charming Viscountess.

When it comes down to it, I just couldn’t decide if I wanted it to be Bee’s Schnee without or with eventual Freezerburn, or Monochrome with Weiss- with help from Yang and the cast and crew- gathering up the courage to venture out into the world, so she and Blake can travel together and Yang finding a different love interest. Also toyed with the idea of Winter being drawn to the story towards the end, having spent the years since her parents’ deaths searching high and low for the child they abandoned, and while Ilia and Velvet are there initially as part of the Blake fan club, they either end up dating each other or others. Also considered Ghira and Kali coming after Blake becomes famous, being very much Not Dead and instead separated from Blake during a natural disaster. There’s just a bunch of ways this set up could go and I’m terribly indecisive sometimes. So, here, pick the ending you want:

1) During their recovery at the hospital, while all of them are being treated for burns and Yang for the slash in her arm, Yang and Weiss talk to Blake both individually and together, explaining they truly just want her to be happy and shouldn’t have let pettiness and jealousy spur their actions and cause her pain. Blake accepts their apologies and admits she can’t choose between them, parts of her heart firmly belonging to each of them. Weiss proposes that, publicly speaking, Yang and Blake marry, so that no one raises brows when the two travel together during the Opera’s off season. Yang makes a point that, even if only the cast and crew of the Opera House are aware, Blake and Weiss should get married as well, and Yang will stay away during the play runs to afford them time together. Although a bit frustrated that Weiss and Yang are still a bit standoffish towards each other, Blake agrees, and both ceremonies are special and splendid in their own, separate ways. As the years go by, Weiss becomes more lax and invites Yang to the premieres to watch Blake’s performances with her, and Yang invites Weiss along on their trips and uses her clout to intimidate anyone thinking of ridiculing Weiss’ scars. Although they never become lovers, Weiss and Yang become the best of friends, and they each absolutely adore Blake, who can’t help but laugh at how foolish they were in their youth to not see the obvious answer in front of them.

2) While recovering in the hospital, Yang reflects on the events and admits that she can’t go through with the wedding, despite still loving Blake; some part of her would always believe that Blake’s heart lay elsewhere. Blake accepts this and invites Yang to come back to watch performances at the Opera House whenever she wants to before joining Weiss, similarly recovering. Although surprised at Yang’s decision, Weiss comforts Blake as best she can, encouraging her to still travel if her heart so desires. They return to the Opera House, once it’s been rebuilt, and after a few years of constant support from Blake, Weiss feels comfortable enough to join her on trips around Vale, though she does often wear a mask of some sort. Yang, meanwhile, visits every now and again, between trips all over Remnant and adventures of her own, and becomes good friends with Blake and Weiss despite everything.

3) As they recover in the hospital, Weiss receives a visitor- a woman who looks enough like her that she can finally imagine what she’d look like without the scars marring her face. The woman introduces herself as Winter, Weiss’ sister, and explains that she was hardly eight years old when the accident that disfigured Weiss as a toddler happened and prompted their parents to abandon Weiss. They passed away recently and Winter’s spent a considerable amount of their bequeathed fortune looking for Weiss, thinking it a mad cause but something she couldn’t resist once able. Winter helps financially back the Opera House’s reconstruction, seeing as it’s the only home Weiss has ever known, and she becomes supportive of the arts as a means of making it up to Weiss that she couldn’t stop their parents from abandoning her when they were children. Although reeling from the discovery, Weiss recovers well enough to introduce Winter to Blake, Yang, Madame Goodwitch, and the other cast and crew.

3a) After having the discussion from 1, Weiss introduces Blake as her fiance and Yang as her fiance’s fiance, and Winter gets told the whole story from the very beginning. Although she’s not sure what to make of their arrangement, Winter wishes them happiness after such a trying ordeal.

3b) After having the discussion from 2, Weiss introduces Blake as her girlfriend and Yang as the woman who saved her life. Winter picks up on Yang’s distraught and, wanting to help the person who gave her the chance to find her sister again, Winter cajoles Yang into accompany her on trips to rebuild the Opera House, including hunting down little show pieces for the foyer and such. She listens as Yang vents her feelings regarding everything and the two bond over a shared sense of helplessness and how much they hate the feeling, promising to help each other find ways to overcome the trials of the future. Ultimately, they marry, much to the elation of Weiss and Blake.

4) After Blake’s premiere, her picture is spread far and wide, drawing the attention of Ghira and Kali Belladonna, who lost their daughter years ago during a flood. They arrived at the Vale Opera House just as it went up in flames, assisting in the efforts to put out the fire and crossing paths with Madame Goodwitch. Although they can’t be sure, all of the information lines up- Blake was found wandering a village after a flood, she’s about the same age as the Belladonna girl, she does look an awful lot like Kali- and Ghira and Kali wait at the hospital while Madame Goodwitch goes to talk to Blake.

4a) After having the discussion from 1, Madame Goodwitch speaks with Blake, who wants to meet the people claiming to be her parents. Somehow, she recognizes them instantly, and quickly introduces them to both Weiss and Yang. Although Ghira and Kali are a little confused at how the whole arrangement came about, they welcome Weiss and Yang with open arms.

4a1) Ghira and Kali are then introduced to Winter, and the three bond over the shared pain of being forcibly separated from their loved one.

4b) After having the discussion from 2, Madame Goodwitch speaks with Blake, who wants to meet the people claiming to be her parents. Somehow, she recognizes them instantly, and quickly introduces them to Weiss, first, as her girlfriend, and then Yang as her former fiance. Although Ghira and Kali are a little concerned about everyone involved, they quickly throw their support behind those closest to Blake, and praise Weiss and Yang for their courage.

4b1) Ghira and Kali are then introduced to Winter. Years down the line, Kali’s the one to put the idea forth that Winter and Yang are good for each other, much to Blake’s relief seeing as all her hints have fallen on deaf ears.

5) (Heartbreaker ending(s)) Despite being rushed to the hospital, both Weiss and Yang succumb to their injuries. Blake is left alone, with only Madame Goodwitch to console her. Blake never performs for the Opera House again.

5a) Winter arrives but too late to speak to Weiss, though the familial resemblance is too striking to deny their blood relation. Although heartbroken, Blake recounts every story she can remember from growing up with Weiss; it’s as close as Winter ever comes to knowing the woman her sister became.

5b) Ghira and Kali arrive at the hospital and meet Blake, offering their condolences for her losses and offering to take her to Menagerie, where they moved to after losing her.

6) The story is being told by Ilia/Velvet, who stayed friends after the disastrous mess with Adam, Weiss, Yang, and Blake. Ilia/Velvet confess they don’t know what happened to Weiss, Yang, or Blake (if options 1-4 aren’t taken) but they believe that, on quiet nights, you can find the three spirits haunting the halls of the rebuilt Vale Opera House.

6a) Ilia and Velvet tell the story to their kids about why (if options 1-4 aren’t taken) they won’t go near the Vale Opera House, convinced they can still see Weiss standing on the roof, holding an eternal vigil, and they’d rather not learn where Yang’s and Blake’s spirits reside.

#TRR writes #Ship Roulette I guess #Bee's Schnee #Monochrome #Elderburn

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fifth-times-the-charm · 5 years

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Letting Go Part I.

How can you really be friends with someone who was never really your friend?

After months of complaining to so many people, I was almost ready to let it go. I’ve contemplated “letting it fade” after the platonic dinner we had last week. Coming into that dinner, I spent half the week preparing myself to confront you for completely dismissing my request for dinner the Wednesday before. I practiced sounding more ‘objective’ so that I didn’t come off as some crazy bitch who kept rewatching your Instagram stories to see if I could identify signs of a new girl. However, after 2 weeks of not seeing each other and catching up, I realized there was a much bigger elephant in the room. It was the end of this fling we were having, more specifically, it was the end of any more dates, flirting, sex and hope that all these would’ve blossomed into anything romantic.

In the end, I didn’t speak up because the elephant was so obvious that addressing anything else would’ve been like tormenting a carcass. After all, it was just casual, right? So as we hugged goodbye, mutually agreeing in silence to just part ways without any post-dinner activities, I decided that was it - the closure I needed.

The next day, I kept myself busy at work and tried to resist the temptation of opening up Instagram so that I didn’t fall into the same trap again. After 2 days of successfully staying off, I decided to test my willpower and take a peek at Pandora’s box. I gotta admit, you looked really good in your dental scrubs playing with your nephews. I rewatched it again several times to remind myself that despite physical attraction and your ‘paper perfect’ qualities, you are not for me.

But something unconsciously lingered anyway as it prompted me to send you a ‘friendly’ snap later that night of the small-ass TV currently sitting in my living room. I thought you would’ve found it funny, since we used to watch Netflix on a much bigger screen. No reply. “OK he must be busy”, I assured myself, “on a Friday night”. Of course you were busy, you were eating at a fancy Mexican restaurant in Tustin at 9pm. It obviously wasn’t a party of 1 and I wondered if that was who you went to Mexico with a while back when I was felt us drifting. Where the real joke lied though, was that you complained two days ago about the idea of driving 45 minutes to Irvine for the Japanese food I had recommended. And there you were, 10 minutes away from me.

Talking it out with some friends over liquor that night made me realize “letting it fade” was just an euphemism for staying in a limbo. I was convinced that I needed to solidly cut this ‘friends with benefit’ relationship to eliminate this tension we had and to save the possibility of a friendship or even acquaintance down the line. By the time I went to therapy and started talking about you the next day, it finally occurred to me that I have been putting you on a pedestal this whole time. All these enticing qualities about you, I discovered myself from the long hours I spent digging through your social media, trying to learn more about you and getting past the jokester façade you always put out. I manifested the idea of how great you were from what you posted to the world, but not from our interactions over text or in person. For some time, I even forgot all the wonderful people in my life that I would’ve never been able to share with you anyway because I remembered you always carried a hint of judgment and close-mindedness.

So even when you commented on my stories of tacos that Saturday, I brushed it off until it was convenient for me to reply. That’s what regular friendship is - there is no inclination for me to prioritize you above my family and close friends. I nonchalantly check your story again, this time you’re at a brewery you once took me to, with your boys, no biggie. I thought you would’ve laughed that I saw the same dog and corn hole in the background of my friend’s story too. Just a friend.

I woke up the next morning to your message that you had ran into my co-worker at the club, the one whom you met when I brought you to her Spotify release party a while back. You even sent me a short selfie video of you two dancing. I couldn’t help but find it hilarious and actually kind of endearing, like those times you tried to video chat me during your car ride with your best friend on New Year’s Eve.

Later that day, I saw that you also went to the same Viet restaurant again where we had our last encounter a couple days ago. I poked fun at you because it was your 3rd time eating pho that week. Clearly you shared my humor as you decided to let me know the next day that you really craved pho for lunch, but opted for Top Ramen instead. I chuckled, suggesting tacos being a great alternative. You replied, “Too bad it’s not Taco Tuesday”. “Well”, I bantered, “Everyday can be Taco Tuesday if you go to Taqueria Los Gueros”. That was your favorite spot in Anaheim for cheap tacos that you showed me.

And of course that’s what you end up getting for dinner, which I found out on your story later that night. I get paranoid. I noticed that you haven’t been active on Instagram or Facebook for a while after posting your story, so you must be eating with someone else and having a great time. But the story only had a snippet of the table and it’s unlike you to not add tags...unless she is in the same boat that I was. Or maybe not, because you’ve recently updated your dating profile to broadcast your sudden love for stout beers. I would know, because I can recite the details of your page like I’ve studied it a million times. I decided to give one last benefit of the doubt and comment with an ‘clapping emoji’ on your taco story. A true applause to the thought of you DMing me that picture like you usually do because I gave you the idea in the first place. You probably didn’t find it funny this time around, and maybe even an ounce of guilt, because you left it at ‘seen’.

I gave you that talk back in January that if you were to seriously see another girl or to sleep with her, you should let me know so I can back off. You agreed that you would never string me along or hurt me. You probably didn’t know that I would rather you be upfront than be a coward to “let me down easy”.

I don’t know why I had the expectation that I was different. Because I let you into my home. Because I introduced you to my friends and bonded well with yours. Because I showed you new food spots and made you dumplings and beef noodle soup from scratch. Because I brought back your favorite BBQ pork buns from San Francisco. Because I binge watched the shows you recommended and started listening to country. Because I was patient and “chill” and acted like I was down for anything, like ‘testing waters’, whatever that meant. I realized I had to employ what you taught me about dealing with stress: don’t think about things you can’t control. Quite frankly, no matter how much I try, from the get-go you were looking for something else and I couldn’t stop you. I know I didn’t see myself in anything long-term with you, but I had a glimmer of hope that somehow you would’ve admitted that you liked me so that I wasn’t the only vulnerable one.

What exactly will a ‘friendship’ between us look like? Not sure if it will be substantial, but why don’t I be the bigger person to cut it off first and find out?

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