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ghostietea · 3 years

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Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

#fruits basket #akito sohma #tohru honda #saki hanajima #machi kuragi #hatsuharu sohma #actually autistic #meta

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willow-salix · 4 years

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Ohh - 3, 6 and 14 from the questions list please.

Oh gods, OK, here we go:

3/ Trope(s) I'd never touch. Well I absolutely hate the Mary-Sue type character, hate them with a passion, because as writers I feel we're supposed to create characters and stories our readers can relate to, and I don't feel anyone can feel anything but inadequate when a character is too perfect. If they are great at everything they try, a natural talent, never wrong, always landing on their feet then you are going to alienate your readers.

As I was saying to @gumnut-logic yesterday, I also hate characters that are possessive and ridiculous over their partner (especially alpha males or those bitchy shrill girls) , to the point of growling at every other person that looks at their partner, even if it's their best friend or family. I get that they think their boo is the most gorgeous person on the planet but not everyone wants to boink them.

I love exploring platonic affection, and I don't feel that Selene would work with the boys anywhere near as well as she does if she didn't have such an easy affection with them. I want to normalise hugs, cuddling and affection between people that aren't dating. Jealousy, constantly doubting your partners faithfulness and integrity can leave. There is nothing wrong with flirting, there is nothing wrong with joking around and people need to realise this.

On that thread I hate when every platonic friendship has to turn sexual, or that you can't have a best friend of the sex you are attracted to without them having to get into a romantic relationship. Who says you can only be close to someone or love someone if you are sleeping with them? Bullshit.

Another I'd never do is a character that completely changes once they meet a partner (all my tropes are romance based as that's my area of expertise). A partner should inhance you and allow you to grow, not 'fix' you like you were broken until they came along. Imagine John suddenly turning into a social butterfly that wants to party all the time and is loud and obnoxious, he wouldn't be him and he's perfect as he is, he doesn't need fixing because he's not broken, but he can stand to open up a little and accept some love, which he now gets in abundance. Peoples personalities shouldn't be something that needs to be fixed or moderated to fit in with societies norms. Big props to the weirdos and the ones that don't fit that box, you keep being a square peg in a round hole, baby!

6/ Share my weakness? I'm an open book, me! That's half my trouble I think, I'm too open and I will adopt everyone and try to love, support and care for the world. I friend for life and I often get taken advantage of for that same reason. I've had to learn to keep myself a little more closed off and not just dive in. I've been used a lot by people on the Internet, especially writing people and that takes a toll on your self esteem, leading you to believe that you aren't good enough, so I make it my mission to never let anyone else feel that way if I can help it.

My weakness in writing is gonna sound corny but it literally is the Tracy boys, because I grew up with these babies, John is and will always be my first and last fictional love, and they gave me very high expectations on the world and boys in general. Every book I write, every character I create always has an element of a Tracy in there somewhere and I didn't even realise it until it was pointed out to me around book 3 of my series. I love a hero, I love someone that will go out of their way to keep you safe but without being chauvinistic about it, without believing that girls simply need to be picked up and moved aside to let the men do the dangerous stuff.

Heros are my weakness, bants is my weakness, and a loving family is definitely up there too. Heros that don't try to fix everything for their partner but to support them as they fix themselves.

14/ Worst writing advice I've ever come across? Write what you know. The advice in itself is sound in the fact that you should write from experience, but you also need to branch out, if you don't know something, research and learn it or you'll end up with very boring writing. No one has (I'd hope) ever shot someone, killed someone, crashed a car, blow up a building etc but we need to write it, so don't limit yourself to comfortable, safe topics.

The other thing would probably be wait until you're inspired. I don't believe in that. My writing tutor drummed into us that there's no such thing as writers block, only a lack of inspiration and if you wait for the perfect idea to pop up fully formed in your head you'll be waiting forever. Write every day, or at the very least whenever you can without making excuses, write from prompts, Google random images and write something based on the picture, open a book at random and write down the top line then continue it, start reading a short story or listening to an audio play and stop it half way though and then continue it yourself.

Best tip I can ever give for getting excited about your ideas again is to talk about them. I am always willing to listen and hash out ideas with people but some other don't have friends to talk to or don't want to, so I'd say turn on your phones recorder and start to tell yourself the story, as if you were talking to a friend about a movie you just watched. This helps get the plot straight in your head, it helps you get excited about it as you talk and it helps you figure out exactly where you need to work on it.

Thanks @hedwigstalons for the questions and sorry for the long winded answers.

#writing time #writingtips #Answers

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lepus-the-bun · 5 years

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Fascism in FF14, and the post no one ever asked me to make.

Hello and welcome, it is I, the Garlean Scum, here to come way to late to the actual discourse, with a post no sane person asked me to do. That being said, I wished to make this, with the intent to help explain some things, give a little insight into some stuff, and maybe help people see things a different way. Now importantly, this is not a post of ‘excusing’ violent beliefs, or fascist activities. Those who know me, know I hold a strong distaste for fascism in the real world, for reasons I will make evident. Now, maybe this isn’t your cup of tea, which is no problem! I’ll be starting in earnest below the read more line, so I don’t fill up feeds. Please, look over, read, comment with your own observations and beliefs, and share your stories!

WHY DO PEOPLE ACCEPT FASCISM?

Lets start off right at the hardest point. What drives people to accept Fascist ideologies? Now, I’m not putting this all on the Nazi branch of Fascism as there are many types, including american fascism, and they all have their unique takes on certain things. But one main key point for fascism, is that it usually involves a form of radical Authoritarian Ultra-nationalism. Most commonly, this is helped and reinforced by racist world views. But okay, we know the basic key point of fascism... Why would people choose to so heavily join into a radically Authoritarian state?

Well, the first reason is simple. Safety. Fascist organizations, hold the firm belief that liberal democracy is a failure. They want a single party to hold control of the state, and for it to completely mobilize society in a party to -serve- the state. Now, this ideal became really prominent in the post WW1 state of our world, and it’s not an unheard of reasoning. They wanted a strong government that can respond to -all- threats, be they another nation, or a group that is disturbing the status norm.

Which, brings us into the second point. Fascism most commonly, keeps the norms of society, save the dismantling of liberalism. In example, if being a white man was good for you before, it’s still good now. This makes it seem an attractive alternative to radical liberalism or activists. After all, if they are on top of the social ladder, they want to -stay- on top, which doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all super racist, but they can feel that losing their ‘spot’ means not just no longer being number one, but having to accept ramifications for it.

Finally, Fascism often holds heavily to the belief of ‘merit based’ social progression. Which, in essence isn’t incorrect. In an ideal fascist state, someone’s sex/gender/ethnicity doesn’t matter. What matters is their -success-, which when you have a culture that is actively oppressing individuals, can drive some to cling onto this as their way to progress up the social ladder. After all, there is no truer equality to them, then everyone suffering the same BS and having to work up on their own.

WHY DON’T THOSE OPPRESSED BY FASCISTS RISE UP?

Now, this is an interesting question, and one that’s actually been shown commonly in our own history. Simply put... Rising up in revolution isn’t as easy as we display it in media. For every single successful revolution in history, there are countless bloody revolutions that were put down to the core. Even those revolutions that succeed, are often filled with death and destruction, which even if it’s to improve the world... It can be a daunting thing for people to accept. So people hold onto the hope, that the longer they hold on, eventually the world will change for them. They’ll have the equality they wanted, without war.

In short, when everything around you belongs to the state, including yourself, it’s hard to imagine you can stop it.

DON’T THEY REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG?

Perhaps. But, there’s one simple thing that hurts the most in realizing that -you’re- the bad guy... You’re just doing what you have to, for the good of everyone else. Fascism doesn’t hold violence or imperialism as a strictly negative experience. Again, it’s about results, not ethics.

Secondly, if they were to say ‘yes I’ve been the bad guy, and need to stop’, something hard to grasp for anyone comes into play... Namely that everything you did, was for nothing. If you live by the ends justifying the means, then it’s even harder to accept that.

Thirdly, they fear the retaliation. Why would people forgive them? It’s better to burn standing by those who are wrong, than standing alone. It’s a hard choice for people to make.

WHERE DOES THIS COME INTO FF14?

Well, more often then you’d think really. If we look at the three city states, they all have a heavy hint of Fascism in them. In Limsa, the Admiral has her own secret police essentially, and what she says is law. If you think she’s wrong, you better bend the knee, or get the hell out or die. However, she’s more dedicated to a free market, and appears to be trying to change her nation... However, they are also heavily dependent on stealing land from the indigenous populations in order to expand as necessary, which is a nice little story point to explore.

Ishgard was a fanatical state, that used religion to help reinforce ultra-nationalism, and had a foe that could ‘not be negotiated with’, that threatened them to the core, for a cause that was their fault but information was hidden from the public. Granted, they have since shifted governmental styles, and this process alone is just fascinating, as it is a perilous point in a society... But luckily they have another large nonnegotiable foe to take the public’s attention.

Gridania. Man. Okay, so they have many conflicting things about them. On one hand, I view them as the most liberal of city states within their borders. Their government seems less likely to police most things, save the things that anger the elementals the most. In short, a high rate of personal freedom, but if you disobey the elementals, death or exile is almost certain. However, this isn’t due to a persons interest, but rather a force that already flooded the world once. So... It’s weird, and the most unique one I can see.

Ul’dah. Now, this was obviously meant as a city with the most capitalism possible, and honestly, I’d say has the least fascist tendencies to them. However, there are... Implications. That the sultanate, was going to dissolve the government, is a curious amount of power for one person to have. The syndicate, seems like so long as it doesn’t hurt their profits, most of them would assist fascist ideology. Then we follow with the banning of beastmen. It’s another unique case, as usually in a heavily capitalist society like this, you would have more of a ‘puppet’ ruler, than one with the power to dissolve the government.

Garlemald. Man. Oh man. Ya’ll already know this one. It’s Magitech rome during the latter portion of the roman empire during the decline. It’s basically ‘worlds first great fascist enterprise’.

OKAY, SO SOME OF THE CITY STATES HAVE FASCIST HINTS, AND GARLEMALD IS PURE FASCISM. WHY BRING THIS UP?

Well, I feel that if we don’t incorporate this into our RP, or even acknowledge this... We are not just doing the lore a disservice, but ourselves as well. We as people have a tendency to make characters who base their beliefs and values on our societies. It’s not bad to do so, but that’s not always an appropriate thing to do. RP can teach us new things, and help us understand why people do things.

THE FUCK YOU MEAN?

Well, let me put it like this. Aedwen, is a Gridanian Native, whom left her homeland in secret to join the Garlean Empire. Why? Well, because she felt betrayed by the elementals, and felt her people were less living in harmony, and more as slaves. No matter how good you were, the seedseer, padjal, and the hearers would always be above you. No matter what, unless you were one of these groups, in her opinion you were second class. She was young, angry, and trying to figure things out. Then she gets told by someone, how the empire is harsh, but they are -fair- and everyone can advance. How they don’t want to destroy, but to unite everyone. How the empire could be the one thing, that could help free her people from her perceived subjugation.

Right there, I can explore the feelings of a character who isn’t -evil- by nature, but who took the path of the unjust.

WELL DON’T THEY KNOW NOW?

Yes. They are well aware of the reality now. But, here comes to the hardest part of someone who accepted fascism, and violence as their path for so long. Namely, if she accepts that it’s all for naught, then she’s a traitor, a liar, and a monster. In her eyes, she couldn’t accept that. To admit that, would break her.

SO WHAT NOW?

Well, she explores her morality more and more... And one day, will have to choose between standing by her morals, or by the actions she has committed... And honestly, I enjoy it. Because it helps me to figure out what would happen if I were in similar straights.

CLOSING THOUGHTS!

Don’t reject certain character types out of the blue, and don’t think people are playing them because that’s their ‘ideal’. If you have the desire to explore the thought process of people you oppose, or those that you do not understand, then roleplay can be the most invaluable tool available. So few have the capability of actually putting you in their shoes.

#ff14 #garlean #fascism #fascist #balmung #discourse #long post

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antiquesounds · 5 years

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A440. Not A435. Why?

I had a wonderful time looking through the original armistice and supporting document that showed that in 1919, the post-war European community and North America committed to 435 Hz for the standard Diapason Normal.

However, anyone who follows Western music knows that the current standard is 440 Hz. The next phase of this quest begins with the looking at some political impact of the Treaty of Versailles. Not only is what I am going to write, “arm-chair” history, it is also based a lot on my limited grade school training (may I say, ca 1970′s-biased) and based upon very small selected reading about the era of mid-late 19th and early 20th century geopolitics. And, as an amature affectionatto of comic art, a lot of what I see about U.S. posturing and waffelling during the early 20th century is based upon the wonderful political comics from the era. As my parents used to ask me when I was young, “How’d you know that?” And I’d point to the political cartoon from the paper that day.

Source Ohio State University - https://hti.osu.edu/opper/lesson-plans/wilsons-14-points/images/barring-his-way

Coincidentally, I heard a wonderful interview with an author that has just released a book on this subject in general. How to Hide an Empire by Daniel Immerwar is on my to-read list. The book has more to do with territorial United States. But the general imperialist drive was as strong as ever post-war. Like a nasty big brother trying to take most of the cake after the fight was over, the political posturing inside and outside the U.S. was mostly to take and make itself more globally important and culturally powerful.

In the 1930′s (pre WWII), there is little argument that the United States delivered a global political posture of Imperialism - if not outright colonialism that had extended from the Spanish-American war through the Roosevelt era. A lot has been written about Wilsonian policies. You wouldn’t think this would have anything to do with concert performance standards in Europe post-war, but in fact, one of the most amazing things I learned while perusing the Treaty of Versaille is this entire section 2. Section 2- Article 282, has all of the kitchen sink items that the countries deemed necessary to settle once and for all. I liken this to being the part where the negotiators say to the parties, “And sirs, is there anything else you guys want to settle here once and for all?” Like a kid saying, “Yeah, and I wanted that candy, too!” So a whole bunch of interesting stuff came out of that list. I will share some of that later.

Deeper reading into the history of diapason normal debates going back to the 1855 treaty mentioned in the prior post taught me that this battle over both the creation of the “normal” and the value of the normal (435 versus 440, versus other frequencies) went way back prior to the 19th century especially in Europe (North America still being a western world social pariah in the 18th century.) So I can easily accept that this would be on the list of “wish we coulds” for the armistice of 1917. Now that I saw the context of the list of things included in that section, it became more obvious that it actually makes sense to have this in the treaty. I am a converted man on this subject now. I am not longer scratching my head about it being referenced here. “No more fighting, boys. We addressed all of your issues. Okay?” If you want to be shocked at how extreme this is, check out the actual list (see page 170)! Here it is:

So far, pretty mundane. Mostly agreed upon tolls and tariffs and an interesting standardization of railroads #4 (tracks and such if you look into it). I will note some things that put this into context and save the details for my next post on this subject. But #2 is REALLY cool. I will share more on this that later. Any reference to “motor-cars” piques my interest. Also note #1 which makes sense post-war. And we go on...

With 12-14 back to tolls and tariffs. Then come the SOCIAL ones. This is what is so interesting. Again, take this in context. The winning powers (big brothers) after the fight are now going to pick the things they get to enforce on the world (or at least for Europe for now). The war to end wars is supposed to stop the bickering and delivery all the rules on how to behave. This includes a new set of social norms. I keep saying this, and I will say it again. I will get back to a few of these specific items on why they seem so silly here, but were of huge geopolitical social importance in 1919. Amazingly, look at #15, 17-18, and 26 as progressive and at the same time regressive social rules. And then look at #16 (what is that about? Matches???) and 25, bird? and our favorite “Concert pitch”. It is like a kitchen sink of items. I assure you that when you look at these in detail, they each represent a longer term social issue that was unresolved. And, often, the issue was quite significant to the overall worldwide population.

But I digress. The diapason normal was 335 Hz in 1919. After this, there was a push to make a formal standard committee embrace this diapason normal under a different set of standards - literally. I found evidence that going into this battle in Europe, in the United States, there was a belief that “science” showed little difference between 435, 438 (the compromise proposed) and 440 (the German standard). Even in the United States, there is documentation that describes how some scientists wanted to leave well enough alone and leave it at 435.

However, between the wars, it seems that the United States and German did not participate in the 435 standard. The Acoustical Society of America decided that the standard should be 440. Why? I do not know. But by 1936, the Americans sided with the 440 and placed it into their standard. This does not make it diapason normal, though. So for what seems to be the time between 1936 (WWII) and 1955, the United States joined with Germany in continuing to use 440 as the tuning standard, while the treaty said it should be 435! I was surprised by this. Several documents point to this, but do not explain why The U.S. was so bull headed about this. If the research (and I dare say, common assumptions) would tell you that once established, nobody can tell the difference, then why did the U.S by themselves put it into their standards in 1936 (less than 20 years after Europe resolved the issue). I have no answer on this. I have a post facto answer/excuse that arrives after the next stage, but nothing as to why this was such a big deal to the U.S in 1936. There are conspiracy theories about this because of the German connection but those seem like they are contrived.

After WWII, the same push that drove the standardization post WWI happened again after WWII but as far as I can tell, there was no post-WWII declaration of standard pitch. However, there was a push again for the scientific community to come together on international standards. In 1947, the International Standards Organization was formed (ISO). Many people are familiar with ISO. It establishes, documents, and helps evolve standards for just about everything. I have had personal experiences with ISO over the years with data communication and quality standards. One example that everyone experiences daily is the ISO 9000 standard suite for quality.

The ISO came out of a drive in the post-war era to deliver a more generic solution to that problem described in the post WWI days. In other words, for those things that require universal standardization (like concert pitch?), we need an international organization to address this need. For example, if we want to standardize on household electrical power norms -- even if we cannot change our world-wide deployment (110 volts versus 220 volts for example), at least we need to document and define these differing standards so that the worldwide community can interoperate. I consider this to be more of a meta-level approach to solving the same issue that the Treaty of Versaille Section II, Article 282 tried to address. This is a guiding principle of the organization, and remains a lofty goal. In 1955 the 440 Hz standard was officially entered as ISO 16. I did not pull it because it costs money to see it but it is here: https://www.iso.org/standard/3601.html.

This still bugged me though, because why would they have taken the U.S. request for 440 over older established 435? And, does this mean that diapason normal is not the same as ISO 16? Well, frankly, I am not completely sure on the last point. I see no formal migration to the ISO standard although I do see a relinquishing of stature in some supporting texts from the era. It is fair to say that the world has conceded, but I still do not see where it did so with a revised diapason normal declaration. Here is a funny clip from The Acoustical Society of America as late as 1971 was lamenting that Europe still had not come around on this.

[Note that ISO reformalized ISO 16 as A440 Hz in 1977. A coincidence?]

So here is where I found the most useful reasoning behind the continuing push by the U.S. to make everything based upon 440 Hz. It is because of warfare and communications. This is the punchline to the whole thing.

I found out that starting way back around 1949 the U.S. government was looking at which frequencies were best for different broadcasting needs. Assuredly, these all had to do with military and espionage usage There is evidence that they believed 440 and 600 to be the best for delivery of communication tones (audible). It is not a huge leap to assume that this belief also drove a campaign to enforce the standard on the world. The organization to look at is NOT ISO but rather, NIST (U.S. National Institute of Standards.) And, in hindsight, this makes complete sense to me. NIST would drive all U.S. standards especially as pertains to radio broadcast and military.

Here is an example of such a document. I misplaced the one that originally capped my discovery. But this is a representative similar document. And this one, too.

In fact, to this day, there is a growing stack of documents that describe how and why 440 Hz is used as the standard for synchronization tones. It’s the tone that is used when we listen to NIST WWV timeclock at the top of the hour. The reason is that this tone is apparently what was believed to be the best (least-lossy) audible tone frequency.

So possibly, the push to deliver a hard 440 Hz standard had something to do with 1949 -1960 thoughts on best possible audible tone over radio. It sure seems that way. And it is definitely the common NIST mantra since 1960. See the end of this doc for oodles of examples:

https://tf.nist.gov/general/pdf/1969.pdf

One parting thought on the A440. While researching this I found a whole bunch of crackpot theories about A432 being some sort of universal vibration. A432 is just another of the possible frequencies one could choose as a standard. And, indeed it was in the mix of options over the centuries this has been fraught. If you wanted to tune to any frequency that you want, you could. Who gives a darn? And just because 432 was used by someone for some reasons long ago doesn’t necessarily mean that it is “better”. It is a fixed tone used to derive other relative tones in music. So it really doesn’t matter until or unless you get all freaky-deaky about the differences in relative microtones for western scales. And if you care that much, 432 doesn’t solve all of those issues anyway.

All I can say is that it made me feel a bit better about myself seeing that others are more nonsensical about their 432 Hz desires than I was about my historic research. I thought I was wasting MY time doing all of this research. But think of all the wasted energy surrounding this sort of notion and the other various conspiracy theories about various pitches being part of betterment of life.

Next post will be about those other amazing discoveries associated with The Treaty of Versailles. cars, birds, and sulphur matches up next. Those side discoveries were the best part of it all.

#A440 #A435 #Diapason #ConcertA440

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daughterofdescartes · 4 years

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How my social confidence hit a new low as I’ve gotten older

Before adolescence hit me, I was a relatively outgoing person and dared to approach people. Making friends was as easy as pie! I was shy and not the most assertive kid, but I still believed in the goodness of humankind, and wanted to connect with people, never giving too much thought about what they would think of me. I always felt like I was a very likeable person. Calm, witty, a bit gloomy at times, but still charming with a good sense of humor!

I felt loved by my surroundings, no matter what I actually thought about myself. I wanted to see the good in people and make THEM feel comfortable. Now it feels like the other way round. Social anxiety is always creeping inside of me. Even though I’d like to think that I don’t care what people think about me, a lot of the times, I totally care. Something in me is always telling me that people are judging me for my flaws. I see the world in a negative light, so everybody must be perceiving me negatively as well. I’m unable to make people feel at their best now, because I don’t ever really feel comfortable anymore in most social situations. How in the world did this happen in 5 years?

In order to have a good perspective on what exactly happened to my social confidence over the years, we need to start from the beginning and look at the whole story in a bird’s eye’s view. Ultimately, I’ll come to a conclusion as to why I have turned out this way, and how I can fix it.

Before university, you are constantly forced in social situations in which it is natural to form allies and enemies. When you’re young, it’s usually still too early to be a victim of overthinking, so you don’t worry about how to make friends, you just do it. When people are nice to you and you get along, they’re your friend. When people are mean to you, they’re not your friend. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy! Hell, people didn’t even have to like me, all that mattered is that I liked them. My interest in the other prevailed. The focus was very much shifted on the other.

When I started middle school, I was the new kid. I had no friends. Making friends was always much easier when there were already friends present, because they soothed me. “At least someone who knows and likes me” I was really quiet in 7th grade and barely ever made a noise. I felt extremely socially anxious all the time, because I felt all the kids were looking at me. They must all think I’m weird and dislike me. I’m the weird ugly duckling quiet girl everybody’s making fun of. I never knew what to say to anyone, so I simply decided to not use too many words. I kept it real dry. This is a habit I’ve kept since that time. Ever since then, I expressed my shyness with complete, utter dryness. If I don’t show how I feel, people can’t tell how nervous I am, so people can’t judge me then, right?

Because I didn’t say much back then, if I did say something, people really paid attention to my words. My dryness really stood out to people, and people liked it. They found it humorous, and thought I was funny for being this way. Making people laugh always has been one of my great joys. I take a lot of pride in being funny, though I’m not sure how to pinpoint my humor. I just think I have a knack for making people laugh I guess, sometimes without even trying.

At that time, I also still enjoyed drawing. It was one of my only passions growing up. I loved hearing others praise me, and telling me how talented I was. I loved drawing because I believed I was good at it, and wanted to keep being validated by others. It made me feel special in a good way.

By the time I reached 8th grade, that’s when I really started to embrace my personality, my weirdness, what made me different from everyone. I was also curious about the people around me. People are endlessly diverse and no one’s really the same. I stayed curious about people, while staying true to myself and people liked that. When you’re 14 you aren’t fully going through puberty yet, so the whole primary school mentality that “you should be nice to everyone no matter what” was still present.

In 9th and 10th grade, I truly bloomed. I’m not sure what it was about me, but by the time I reached the age of 16, I felt so charismatic and could befriend everyone I talked to. I chatted with the popular kids, the quiet kids, so what did that make me? I had such a great support system of people encouraging me to be who I am, that I felt it was truly justified to just be who I am, without any excuses. When I used to get picked last in PE because of my lack of athletic ability, people now picked me almost immediately after the athletic kids, for my personality! I never thought about what people thought about me, because I was too busy being present, interested in my surroundings.

In 11th grade, my self-esteem took a big hit. Partying became the norm, thus alcohol became the norm. I soon came to realize my body does not process alcohol like others. Drinking made me really sick, and people made fun of me for it. I’ve been cursed with alcoholintolerance, I’m a lightweight.

I’m different, but in a bad way. I don’t fit in. Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else? I wish I was normal. Those were my thoughts. My extreme weight gain also mentally caught up to me, (though it didn’t bother me that much before) and I also started noticing other people commenting on my weight. My body image always tormented me anyways. When you realize that you are different from everyone else and people dislike that about you, you start to feel alienated. Like there’s no place you truly belong.

I think I might have rigorously dieted & exercised for a few months, resulting in losing almost 10 kilos! People said I looked better, but I didn’t really feel that much better about myself. I was giving myself a lot of pressure on how to be something to fit into a mold, when really I was never meant to fit into that mold. I became more and more self-absorbed. What is ‘bad’ about me, and how can I fix it? Was a question I unknowingly kept asking myself. Realizing that some of these flaws aren’t immediately reparable was devastating. How will I continue living, knowing that I have to continue being this ugly, unworthy? How did these dramatic views of myself arise so suddenly. With my confidence diminishing almost immediately, so did my ability to make friends.

When you focus completely on you and yourself only, you start to think too much. You stop caring about other people, because you only see yourself. If you keep thinking “Oh man, I suck. Other people will think I suck, because to me it’s so obvious that I suck.”, you’ll completely suck yourself into a mentality that you believe to be true. Your ‘flaws’ are all subjective. They’re not real. Remember that you are your own worst critic. If you were to look at yourself objectively, you can only state facts. You can be this or that, but that doesn’t have to mean that “this and that” are necessarily bad or good. We only give meaning to things because our beliefs are conditioned by the outside world and our upbringing. You get so stuck in your vicious cycle of self-hate, that you forget to be compassionate to not only yourself, but to the world.

Making friends isn’t only about yourself. It should mostly be about the people you want to form relationships with. Newsflash: In order to make friends, you have to CARE about people. If you only care about what people think of you, then you don’t care about these people, you only care about yourself. You don’t care about who they are, because you only value their perception of you, which is a huge fallacy anyway, because you will NEVER truly know what a person is thinking, therefore you shouldn’t even begin to attempt figuring out a person’s mind. Or at least don’t do it in a toxic way that destructs your self-esteem, you know. Why break your head over something impossible? If you simply accept the way things are at face value, you will stop stressing out about things that aren’t really there. It’s all in your head. People either like you, or they don’t, period.

What you CAN know for sure, is your own opinion on people. Your own world view, is completely in your hands. When we wake up and open our eyes, we immediately are confronted with so much new information and endless experiences. Negative experiences can lead to judgement. But nothing is ever fixed. Life is unpredictable and you will never know with certainty what the future may bring. You cannot let a few negative experiences take the positive experiences away from you. Don’t let your view of the world get clouded with negativity. It’s true, the world is not made of honey and roses, but if you see the world for what it really is, you will gradually learn to understand her. Take caution and prevent yourself from getting hurt, because life can throw rocks at you sometimes. What you need is resilience to protect yourself from the storm. But being resilient and cautious does not mean we should stop being curious and nurturing. Absorb everything around you, the good and the bad, because one does not exist without the other. Every day is a new day, and If you fall in love with your world, you might just fall in love with yourself again. <3

#advice

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kholoudnine · 5 years

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Blogging For A Dummy

Hey guys.

So I haven't been very active of a blogger in a few years, at least not anywhere I would ever advertise it. Since I was very little I've had a big respect for bloggers actually, a strange truth about it being that I felt like blogging was just another way of writing, like my books or my poetry or my music, the only way that I could be listened too.

So I was drawn to it. I think the first blog post I ever did was when I was maybe like eleven, my mum had pretty much just discovered the blogging scene and what the internet is so she wanted to make money off it in some way and share our family. It didn't feel as genuine to me as it should've, though. While blogging felt like a way to be heard, not all blogging really appealed to me. I didn't want social medias because social medias were fake to me. They were overly happy, or they were overly sad. They were overly toxic, or they were drowning you in positivity, at least this was my exposure. While I have nothing personal against these types of bloggers and media users nor the audience which consumes their content, none of the idea of that is me. I don't want to write all happy things and be pretty and perfect and face tuned as has been suggested of me, as people I knew had been. Though I noticed over recent years that I'd gone towards a different extreme, sadness. Most of my work was written during anxiety attacks, or rage, or after an accident, or tragedy. I never smiled. Now, I will not say that writing sad things does not help me, it does, tremendously actually. But, I came to the conclusion maybe about a year ago that it was almost all of my work. I love my work, I do, no matter what it is, but when I can go back to the sad moments, and I can't think of any happy ones, that's a problem for me. I think part of that stemmed from not writing everything, and I mean everything. I almost felt ashamed for a while about feeling emotion. Like it was a bad thing or like if I am happy then it somehow discredits my sadness. I know where this comes from, but as my grandmother would say, that it another story.

I started to notice things about myself that I did not like, I let toxicity in within a heartbeat but shied away from happiness. If I met a decent person it excited the hell out of me, but it didn't take me long to decide to quit on it or that it wouldn't last. "I always doubted the longevity of friendships" is a quote from my own book, I know how snooty right? I'm that "quotes himself" guy now, but it's one of the thoughts Mikayla has that is probably closest to myself. I have thought that before, I've lived like it. This sort of pessimistic notion did nothing more for me but make me wary and more inclined, or should I say lightly obsessed, with watching my back about people. It also made me too accepting. I would accept bullshit relationships and abusive friends for the sole purpose of, if I'm not going to get any better than what is the point? I would use them to fill time essentially and just to have someone to talk to, which, isn't really better of me and it just made good friendships harder.

Now I've seen on twitter all day for the past two or three weeks "fuck fake friends" "when I learn how to stand up for myself it's over for you hoes" "my friends are so fake" "what's real friends?" "everybody's fake now" over and over and over again. All over my feed. In fact there is this one account of an influencer who pretty much only posts about people in his life being fake and untrustworthy. It's kind of one of the saddest things to me, fake friends and back stabbing and mean spirited comments are pretty much expected. All over Instagram comedy you see people getting cheated on to the point it almost seems expected in a relationship. While I know I might seem dramatic to say and point this out, we all go on social media a lot, let's be frank, if you're reading this post you at least are around one person who always talks about or quotes social media. This is the norm of social media. Meaning, this whole "no one can be trusted" narrative is what you're constantly and consistently exposed too. I don't want to perpetuate the expectation of failings and heartbreak, not exactly the positivity and realness spread I was hoping for, though I would actively believe it in my one personal daily life. It's not a positive thing, and nothing good really comes from it, it's extremely lonely to feel you'll never have real friends, and it opens up all sorts of doors for abusive relationships may those be platonic or romantic.

Another thing I noticed of myself was an insistent defensiveness, and while I can't hate myself for being that way, it wasn't healthy. In my poetry workshop a few weeks ago, the beautiful Miss Ebony Shun pointed a phrase out for me that was probably the best call out I've ever gotten. "You expect rejection. Expect acceptance." As usual, she was right, and that's a part of self growth I really want to work towards. I've been rejected by few, so thanks to that coupled with my belief that I'd always be let down by other people, I expected that same rejection from everyone else. It works in multiple scenarios.

Someone is hitting on me? I expect danger, I expect that it's someone who doesn't truly care about or respect me. It's someone I should defend myself from. So I must immediately act as such to protect myself ahead of time.

Someone wants to be my friend? I expect disappointment, they're not actually going to like me. It will be a very shallow friendship. I will put a lot into it and they will not even text me back, but I will accept that if I let it get to that point. So I should defend myself, and be as closed off as I can, and show nothing of myself. Do not talk. Make no connections.

I want to attempt to show people my art? I expect rejection, I will be told I am not good enough. I will be sent away and they will not hear me out on it for give me actual feedback for improvement. My singing sounds like whining, and my drawings are done by a five year old, nothing I write is as smart as it thinks it is. I should defend myself, avoid shows. Avoid letting people I will ever see again see my work, hide behind anon blogs and webposts no one's gonna find.

See? Bad. I have reasons, but it's still bad. Finding the reason to the problem should not excuse it, it should help heal it. Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle with these negetivities, daily, but I don't plan to stay that way now. Being conscious of them as problems, are my first step.

Next thing was to figure out how. How do I write anything happy? What the fuck is happy? Can I not swear? Can I not cry when I write it? When do I write about happy things? What the hell even makes me happy? Writing makes me happy but apparently it's all sad, so. This is a trap. Surely happy writing is reserved for freakin' crazy people and Mary Poppin's. It's all clear to me.

After that prompt breakdown and a few shitty one lines that did not sound like any Stiles I'd ever known, I realized something very important. I am a human being. I feel more than just happy cx and sad xc.

(My use of early 2000's emo/scene kid emojis is not apologized for. I concede no apologies for that.)

So when I started to realize that I started to realize another important and fucking obvious fact: I'm a blogger. I have a been a blogger for years, it's just, the only time I've ever been actually ya know, honest and happy while blogging? Was anonymously. I've had blog diaries, I've had poetry blogs, I started a review blog (twice?), I even just posted about my life in general, and what all of those blogs had in common besides nobody knowing who I was, is that I was honest on them, and they were actually entertaining to me and whoever was actually following along. I kept up with them more and so much better.

Once I realized that? I realized I could do this stupid melliniel social media thing, just without being sad, anxious, and pissed off all the time.

Blogging isn't happy or sad or scary or contentful to me, it's another form of art. (Also my way of attempting to smash the patriarchy and end humanities more trivial yet stupidly prevalent problems one human rights campaign and rally at a time, but ya know, art too.)

So here I am, blogging. Most of my posts will probably be like this one, start with a topic, run through my thoughts and experiences. Others will be fashion orientated, like the one I plan for how I'm going to pick my Bookfest outfit and fill with pictures of what I wore. Other's will be short stories or poetry. Others will be how to's on things I do. Like how I make my weird herbal teas or how I write songs. Some will be funny, some serious, others will be about the campiagnes I support and organize. With any luck, I'll post twice a week at very least, though I have no set days yet.

If you like what you see, and you'd like to see and hear from me more often, you can find my books on Amazon and my social medias posted below. Feel free to leave comments or suggestions about something you wanna see from me.

Until next time,

Peace, love infinite, and smile.

Nico.

#first blog #first post #fashion blogger #fashion blog #writeblr #introduction #artist #artists on tumblr #poets on tumblr #writer #blogger #pay attention to me #self reflection #self recovery #new year

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mredwinsmith · 5 years

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Gender Equity and SotG: A Report from Mexico

Our story begins in the 2017 Panamerican Ultimate Club Championships (PAUCC) in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where our Mexico City club Cóndor Ultimate, competed in its first international tournament. At the tournament, my teammate Dani and I attended a particularly eye-opening conference about gender equity in mixed ultimate. At this conference, we realized the Mexican scene seemed so far behind compared to the international representations we witnessed at PAUCC. This stirred a feeling of urgency in us and made us more determined to work seriously on the issue, which led to a profound exploration of Spirit of the Game and a vanguard endeavour for gender equity in Mexican Ultimate.

Dani and I had the opportunity to get to know each other better as we wandered the picturesque streets of Buenos Aires and debriefed on the frustrating experience we had competing at PAUCC with our mixed team. Questions like “What did you think of the tournament? What would you like to change within our team? How would you compare mixed to men’s and women’s divisions? Where do you think the Mexican ultimate scene is going?” These became natural conversation starters throughout the remainder of the trip. We realized we saw eye to eye on many of these topics. The confluence of ideas, as well as the fervor of our frustrations, was too deep to remain as mere bystanders.

Shortly after we got back home to Mexico, Dani proposed that she and I become Spirit captains for the upcoming mixed season with the explicit objective of addressing gender issues and striving for equity from that position. We were beginning to play with the idea that SotG could be leveraged as a tool for social transformation and we felt it worthy to apply it to the gender narratives we had lived in ultimate, so I was very glad to accept Dani’s proposal.

Deeply inspired by the global movement being lead by the likes of GUM and EMU, we started holding conversations with Cóndor about equity in the mixed division. During these sessions we addressed questions like, “What is gender? What is equity? What does gender equity look like in ultimate? What actions can we take to work towards equity in our own team?”

One of the primary insights we reached in these team conversations is one that Dani and I had already chatted about: Gender oppression (namely, the patriarchy) is not unique or intrinsic to Cóndor’s culture. Rather, we are merely a subset within a broader social environment that already has established culture, norms, and practices. Machismo runs deep in our ultimate scene because it runs deep in our society and vice versa.

Sports in Mexico are not only male-dominated in general, they are a breeding ground for toxic masculinity narratives. While some communities in other parts of the Ultimate World were already leading inspiring ventures of empowerment, our team was still using phrases like “don’t throw like a girl” or “grow some balls” in time-out team huddles at tournaments. Building a healthy and successful mixed team in this noxious cultural context can be incredibly challenging. Several toxic macho behaviors become more highlighted, normalized, and even excused by the pressure of competition, making ultimate a space where the dynamics of oppression not only get played out, but actually get further perpetuated. These mutually reinforcing patterns create a system of self-replicating harm — a vicious cycle that can seem impossible to break out of.

If Dani and I wanted to see a structural change in our environment, we needed to take it further than just talking inside our team and had to start working with the Mexican ultimate scene at large. So the next natural step was taking the conversation to tournaments for the Mexican ultimate community to address its gender issues.

At the time it occurred to us that to start conversations at tournaments we could add gender equity as a sixth pillar to be evaluated in the Spirit scoring sheets, since it is common practice to discuss scores in Spirit circles here in Mexico. We thought that evaluating the other team’s gender dynamics would detonate an exercise of observation, reflection, dialogue and perhaps eventually action on the matter. This experiment was the main idea we invested our time and effort in for the entirety of the mixed season, and we persisted developing and refining the proposal throughout the following months.

For the first tournament of the year, we included in the tournament’s manual a set of examples for every grade (0-4) in the gender equity pillar following WFDF’s format for the 5 original pillars. We also wrote and printed out a complementary text to introduce the experiment, including a brief definition of gender equity. It offered a general overview of the proposal and its objectives, encouraging players to take it seriously while also stressing the experimental nature of it and openly inviting feedback. We tried to go over these materials to clear doubts in a poorly attended Spirit Captains meeting at the start of the tournament. Those who received the add-on to the scoring sheet later were pretty confused about its origin and purpose. Some would easily trivialize it saying “it’s too complex to score.” We made it far too easy for people to dismiss it.

We tried to step up our game for the second tournament of the year, this one to be held out of state. We tried to emphasize the grassroots nature of the experiment and invited players to actively participate in the creation of this proposal appealing to the fact that it focuses on an issue that concerns our community as a whole. We shared all the materials with event participants and published on social media. We also scheduled a time slot during the tournament to hold a feedback conversation and improve the proposal. At first, only one person sitting nearby participated. After talking in circles for a little while, we encouraged a young team to join. As more and more players from other teams joined, participant interventions grew in variety and intensity until it became a challenge to keep the group focused on the experience with the scoring sheet. Despite Dani and my efforts that afternoon and later on social media, the apparent glimmer of interest evaporated shortly after everyone rode their bus back home. It was hard to ensure a follow-up to these tiny bursts of interest.

The National Championships came around and we wanted to end the season delivering a more polished, finalized product. With the help of Flor Aldatz, who is a member of WFDF’s Women in Sports Commission and a player in Argentina’s Actitud Pizza, Dani became inspired to divide the Gender Equity pillar into 4 categories that were more clearly defined: Players could no longer appeal to vagueness as a cop-out. Ultimate México (the governing body for the sport in the country) kindly granted financial support to have printed and laminated copies of all the materials for each competing team. We tried to be extra diligent about starting the conversation on social media in advance, checking in with the involved volunteers throughout the tournament, and seriously focusing on the topic during Spirit circles.

During certain Spirit circles, we had to remind the other team about the gender equity score, and we still had trouble ensuring all teams received handouts promptly throughout the tournament. At the end of the day, the community did not seem to take ownership of the proposal — the materials, the idea, or even the gender problem in itself. After genuine attempts to make the proposal clear, open, and accessible, it was largely met with indifference. This was also made explicit to us in the lowly responded evaluation survey we sent out afterwards.

It was a disappointment that the experiment didn’t lead to more concrete action on the matter. It did not end machismo in ultimate, sports, or anywhere else. After failing to transform Mexican ultimate, we were ready to drop the dream of “the 6th pillar” and stop insisting with the rubric.

***

Despite our disappointment, I do see some value in the possibility that the experiment catalyzed some important dialogues and deep reflections. We started many conversations that wouldn’t have taken place otherwise. Some conversations even lead to discomfort among players and teams, with several people trying to skip the rubric and evade the topic. I think this is an indicator of how urgent it is for us to address this collective problem. I hope some of that tension has been harvested and transformed, if not into action, then at least into some type of awareness by the Mexican ultimate community. After all, Spirit of the Game has been defined as, “mindful behavior by players before, during, and after a game of ultimate.”

Another silver lining that I like to highlight from this experience, is that it got me and Dani to reflect on Spirit and gender more thoroughly and constantly. I am certain that the experiment greatly shaped how I see gender, ultimate and Spirit of the Game. The experience with the rubric proposal triggered a series of profound revelations that have been snowballing in my head ever since. I’ve come to see Spirit of the Game as a praxis: a guiding philosophy and a set of actions or practices. Many of the tools of SotG (e.g. scoring, circles, captains, timeouts, etc.) seem to carry an implicit dialectic of action-reflection-action. We play, we talk about it, we play, and so on. These iterative feedback cycles serve to make us aware of what we need to improve on in a peer-to-peer fashion. When done well, these constant evaluations orient us to work on our challenges and deficiencies. These continuous feedback processes act as a self-regulation mechanism to keep our behavior in check and change it if necessary.

Additionally, I’ve come to realize that Spirit is an intrinsically social phenomenon. We apishly mirror our opponents’ kindness with more kindness. When we see another team do the right thing, we become inspired to cultivate that to flourish as well. Spirit seems to spread like spores with these feedback loops. Perhaps we can use these self-replicating cycles to out-power the toxic patterns of machismo we see in sports, media and culture in general. I believe that if Spirit were embodied in more spaces of our daily lives, we would have powerful tools to counter these vicious cycles with our very own virtuous ones.

The broad yet powerful definition of Spirit of the Game as “mindful behavior” and the fact that it is so wildly contagious makes me think of it as some type of collective consciousness — an emergent phenomenon that is as abstract as it is relatable, as simple as it is powerful. I like to think of social movements as emergent phenomena of that type as well: a collective paradigm shift with no one person instructing others, rather many individuals acting in a decentralized yet coordinated form to make a necessary change in their environment. These phenomena often grow and spiral beyond their original scope, causing a ripple effect that transforms their surrounding. I hope that the correlation I see is not merely coincidental and that it inspires many of us to keep working hard for profound systemic transformation.

***

We didn’t catalyze a radical revolution in Mexican ultimate with the “6th pillar” of Spirit of the Game, but the exploration of Gender Equity through SotG and Ultimate was far from finished. After nationals, we figured WUCC 2018 would be a great place to showcase our experiment. We were pleasantly surprised with how many people at the tournament were interested in hearing our story and wanted to see the materials we had created for the proposal.

We were honored to be featured among the finalists for the Ultimate Peace Global Spirit of the Game award due to our efforts for equity in the Mexican mixed division. Hearing other people’s stories and experiences on how they incorporate ultimate and Spirit into their daily lives and work for social justice was deeply inspiring. This reaffirmed our desire to stick with the idea of SotG as a powerful and necessary tool for social transformation, particularly focused on gender.

While we did not win the prestigious award, we did become ambassadors for Ultimate Peace. We want to honor this title by continuing our work towards equity in mixed ultimate, no longer just through scoring, rather developing a new project that is more structured. We want to grow our core team and hold spirit clinics, workshops, and other activities around gender in sports and ultimate specifically. We would especially love to work with young people, since a new generation of players is rising in Mexico, and we believe youth to be the motor for change in any community. We will make sure to pass on the discs that were kindly gifted to us by Ultimate Peace with the hopes of spreading them as spores of change.

At the end of the day, our experiment didn’t cause the massive ripple effect we dreamt of, but it helped plant a seed in our minds and in our ultimate community. A new way of understanding Spirit and an exciting new ultimate project are brewing in Mexico City.

The post Gender Equity and SotG: A Report from Mexico appeared first on Skyd Magazine.

from Skyd Magazine http://bit.ly/2RM25Ta

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abassi-okoro · 6 years

Text

I’M NOT RACIST BUT . . .

I was speaking with a friend of mine who is a white female and considering the latest social unrest here in the states, we began the discussion about racism. The one thing I’ve learned being a black man involved in discussions with white people on racial disparity is that every white person has denied whole heartily being a racist or at the very least, being “prejudice.” Now let’s get technical for a moment. Racism is an industrial and institutionalized system of oppression based on the rules or illusions of power. It’s a system built upon one system which is build upon another that is governed and guarded by people in key positions to open and close certain doors of achievement for certain individuals. Not every white person has that power. In fact, your average white American is not privy to that type of power and wouldn’t know how to use it if they had it.

However, they do directly and indirectly benefit from other whites possessing and using that power. We call that today, ‘White Privilege.’ But this is not the same as prejudice. You do not need to have “power” to be prejudice because prejudice is nothing more than an opinion. It’s a bias. You can be biased towards anyone and anything. You may be a Republican and because you’re a Republican, you automatically hate Democrats. You don’t hate Democrats based on what they are, you hate Democrats because you’ve been conditioned to accept what you think YOU are (whether you truly understand it politically or not). That’s called “Biased Classification” or “Selective Class Bias.” You may be heterosexual and because you’re heterosexual, you automatically have homophobic feelings towards people who are homosexual. You may not know anything about that person only that he or she is a homosexual and that’s enough data for you to form a negative opinion of that person. That’s how prejudice works. It’s an opinion or bias not based on reason, logic or actual experience. So by definition, not all white people are racist but by definition, all white people do have prejudices because to not have a biased opinion (whether conscious or unconscious) is an impossibility.

When it comes how whites view blacks, there’s Racial Cognitive Dissonance. Racial Cognitive Dissonance is an uncomfortable sense of discord, disharmony, confusion, or conflict experienced by people in the midst of change in their cultural and racial environment. It’s usually due to holding two contradicting perceptions or beliefs. For example, when it comes to racism and race related issues, white people will say one thing and do another or will make grandiose claims of helping to end racism but will then turn around and debate the validity of racial claims made by black people. If a white person says, “It’s so sad that the black fella got killed by the police BUT . . .“, that is racial cognitive dissonance or having a double conscience. It’s when people try to find excuses to not drop or give up their prejudices all together. All of this falls under the umbrella of White Privilege. White privilege can best be described as the epistemological solidification of white normalcy among and within the majority of the Western white populations. Peggy McIntosh, the first author to aptly define and articulate a definition of white privilege, states that:

Whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when [white people] work to benefit others, this is seen as work which will allow ‘[people of color]’ to be more like us.

This creates a model where white people will generally feel uncomfortable when their ideas about race conflict with their emotions like compassion and sympathy and so they will find a need to rationalize that inner conflict. A common example is when a white person is un-apologetically racist, but has friends who are black. This happens more often than you’d expect. White people learn to think of the black people they are friends with as “exceptions” to their prejudice beliefs, so then they can continue to stereotype every other black person who they don’t know. This is the white person who believes that all blacks are thugs and criminals and yet has that one black friend that he thinks he can trust. If you should ask him how his prejudice makes any kind of logical sense considering that he has a black friend, he would say something like this; “Oh, well my friend is a good black person” or “I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about all the other blacks.” I’ve even heard white people try to justify the use of the word ‘Nigger’ by redefining the term and claiming that “Nigger” means an “ignorant person” and that white people can be niggers also. Or my personal favorite . . . “there’s black people and then there’s niggers. The black folks who are good, hard-working, honest people are the black people and the ones who are lazy and good-for-nothin’ are the niggers!” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to listen to this crazy rhetoric from white people.

Perhaps the biggest and most obvious contradiction or dissonance is that of when you speak to the average white American – they claim that they’re not racist or even prejudice and they want to work towards racial solidarity yet, popular culture in the United States continues to be saturated by racial stereotypes and racial prejudice. Black men are still seen as criminals, black women are still seen as angry and over-sexual, Latinos are still seen as thieves, Asian men are still seen as technological but socially awkward, and Arabs are still seen as terrorist and everyone who isn’t white is seen as “minorities.” But let’s be fair, being biased is not a crime. In fact, being biased is somewhat natural but what’s not natural is being biased by the belief in stereotypes and especially with the wealth of information at our fingertips in today’s society. There’s no excuse to be racially ignorant believing any and every narrative that comes your way without personal investigation. At the very least . . . do a quick Google search. It would save you much embarrassment.

I was asked once, “why is so damn difficult to talk about race with white people? Must they debate everything?!”

A person will only debate a topic when he does not believe or agree or subscribe to the topic being discussed. If white people are debating race issues then it would occur to me that they do not believe that race is an issue or that certain components of the topic are less of an issue than others. Fair enough but many white people do not believe that racism is as big of a problem as black people and the media are reporting and so not only will they accuse the media of sensationalism but they will try to convince black people that it’s all a figment of our imagination. Consider this . . . If a Jehovah Witness knocks on my door and begins speaking about their beliefs and I feel compelled to debate those core beliefs then that must mean that I do not agree with their belief system or else I’d have no reason to debate. So it’s obvious that the white people who are busy arguing and debating with black people about racism are doing so because they do not truly believe it’s a problem. And THAT’S the problem! But how can you expect for white people to see racism and discrimination as a problem? If you do manage to convince whites that racism is a serious problem, they might see it as an exclusive problem to the black community but also believing the issues with race can be eradicated if black people would simply adjust their behavior. After all, racism is a false concept to them that they often try to explain away with as little accountability as possible. This is why they have a hard time “seeing” racism.

Wealthy people have a hard time seeing why a poor person is living in poverty and they will always have a complacent and condescending tone about their beliefs and while trying to explain their position on poverty. You’ll usually hear something from rich people along the lines of, “you have both your arms and both your legs. You’re just as capable as anyone else, you have just as much opportunity as anyone else. Look, I did it. You’re just being lazy.” Black people hear that same self-righteous arrogance from white people when we discuss racism. White folks will say something along the lines of, “Oh please. I work just as hard as you, I don’t get any handouts because I’m white, you have the same opportunities as I do, I don’t have white privilege, you’re just pulling the race-card. You have Affirmative Action, I didn’t have help. What about black-on-black crime?”

You can’t fix what you deny exist. Whites have a difficult time identifying prejudice or any of the types of racism, even subtle racism. There are four types of subtle racism that whites have a difficult time recognizing but practice more than they know;

Symbolic Racism: Symbolic racists - rejects old-style racism but still expresses prejudice indirectly (e.g., as opposition to policies that help racial minorities).

Ambivalent Racism: Ambivalent racists experience an emotional conflict between positive and negative feelings toward stigmatized racial groups.

Modern racism: Modern racists see racism as wrong but view racial minorities as making unfair demands or receiving too many resources.

Aversive Racism: Aversive racists believe in egalitarian principles such as racial equality but have a personal aversion toward racial minorities.

Most so-called “decent” white folks who feel strongly about equal rights may still practice one of these four forms of subtle racism. The most common of the four that I see with even my white friends is that of Symbolic Racism. I had a conversation not too long ago with a white male who rejected any type of racism but then insisted that Affirmative Action should be eliminated so that no one (black or white) benefits. His sentiments according to him represented “leveling the playing field.” However, he failed to understand that the you cannot level the playing field when one side doesn’t have an organized team. You can not balance a society (already dominated by one group) by stripping away certain programs that brings the downtrodden up to a level where they need to be in order to compete successfully on that field. He also failed to understand the reason for such government aided programs in the first place (to help compensate for 399 years of the brutality of free slave labor that financed this country.) He also believed that if whites couldn’t use the “N-Word” then no one should. I tried to explain to him how privileged and narcissistic that was to think that if something is off-limits to whites then it should automatically be off-limits to everyone.

Another white friend of mine about a year ago seemed very compassionate towards how blacks were being treated and would often respond on social media with an array of, “Oh that’s so sad, it’s horrible what happened to that poor man, I’m so angry” and so on. She didn’t seem to have a problem with my race related discussions until one particular discussion had me pointing the finger of accountability at white people, in which most of the time, that’s necessary. Suddenly she didn’t agree with what was happening to blacks. Suddenly, I was called a “racist” for recognizing racism and suddenly I was at the receiving end of another white lecture on if black people would just stop discussing race so much then racism would just magically vanish. I alone was even accused of being the source in which racism is perpetuated in this society by not “giving it a rest!” I didn’t realize I had so much power. That’s Ambivalent Racism and that’s when a person is in constant conflict with themselves emotionally, bouncing back and forth between what’s right and their own self-identity and racial pride while still having racist undertones in their belief system and views.

A few years prior, a white blogger named Patrick K., stated to me that black people perhaps do experience “some” racism but a lot of it we “bring on ourselves.” He went on to state that it’s the way we dress and it’s the fact that we don’t have adequate black leadership and he even had the audacity to claim that “Black-on-Black crime” makes white people not want to give us the benefit of the doubt. However, there were three major problems with his perspective. 1. Black men in three-piece suits are also racially profiled and killed by white police officers. 2. There hasn’t been adequate white leadership in this country since John F. Kennedy, and 3. eighty-four percent (84%) of white people murdered are murdered by other whites. In fact, whites kill more whites each year than blacks kill each other, and white people commit more crimes than blacks (2 to 1 in arrest, forcible rape, larceny and homicide). Yet, he used popular stereotypes (not facts) to form his bias without reason or personal experience. That’s Modern Racism!

While recently speaking with a white woman, she made the statement, “I just wish everyone could stop this madness.” She seemed exhausted by the constant hammering of race and conflict in our society and especially after the latest incidents of police brutality towards black men. She’s not alone in her wishes however, shortly after exhibiting signs of compassion towards black men, she made the statement, “if black people would just not get so antsy when pulled over then we wouldn’t have so many dead black people.” I noticed that she placed the accountability of police brutality on the victim and not the perpetrator. It happens with rape victims as well. The accountability for action always seems to fall on the one who suffers. “Maybe if she had dressed more appropriately, maybe if she wasn’t behaving like a whore, maybe if she didn’t walk home alone.”

We live in a world where we put more focus on telling women how NOT to get raped than telling rapist NOT to commit the act. Similarly, we tell blacks HOW to act when dealing with a racist system as opposed to dismantling the racist system. But what do you expect? We’re a nation that spends billions on modern medicine to get rid of the symptoms and not the illness. This white woman went on to present a laundry list that was reminiscent of the Jim Crow Rules of Engagement. Her list was not only ridiculous but it was painfully obvious that it was from the mindset of a white person with a mystical and animated perception of racism and discrimination. Perhaps she meant well but here’s the question,

Why should we have to navigate through the terrain of racism and prejudice by being “careful” not to do this and not to do that while white people with their privilege sit back comfortably dictating to others how to live within their deadly system that they would rather ask us to tolerate than to help destroy?

That is Aversive Racism! I have had white friends practice all four forms of subtle racism (right to my face) and most are completely unaware of it. They think they’re being helpful, they think they’re doing their part, and giving great advice. They do not believe that they are saying anything wrong and this is precisely why people will turn and say, “I don’t like talking about race with black people because I can never say the right things.” And because black people recognize subtle racism and sly remarks and passive aggressiveness – it doesn’t register to us that white people are actually trying to help. And we don’t fall for it. When white people become passive aggressive, we don’t fall for it. When they become arrogant in their comments or conceited, we don’t fall for it. When they adopt a “savior” mentality or parental attitude by lecturing black people, WE DON’T FALL FOR IT! And so when we don’t take white people’s sympathy, their response is to write us off as being, “too sensitive” or “too angry” to listen to their reason. It never occurs to them that they’re wrong. They just believe that they’re right and that black people are too delicate to listen to them tell us how to deal with the racism that they created in this country.

It’s white people’s inability to fully understand the dichotomy of racism and their inability to comprehend a basic racial and cultural concept that doesn’t include “white-thinking” and without an inflated sense of white self-importance.

In other words, white people have a hard time processing a reality that doesn’t center around them. They have been convinced that they are the center of the Universe. The quicker they realize that they are not, and the sooner they realize that even with good intent they are still biased and prejudice then the sooner we can sit down and discuss these topics without anyone feeling the need to “lecture” or debate or become arrogant and narcissistic. If you’re white and you really want to have a discussion about racism . . . first realize that you just may be racist yourself regardless of how much you deny it. We will still work with you if you have some prejudices. We can get over that because we have plenty of prejudices about you. We really don’t like you much either but we are tolerant of white nonsense.

- Abassi Okoro

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dogjaws2 · 7 years

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the older i get: the more i find myself writing things about how i am getting older.. And The more I find myself saying things like, "the older I get, _____" like I've won my right to wax poetic about growing. Growth. The transition from one dimension of suffering, to another. Only in the beginning, it doesn't seem like suffering. I don't know. The older I get, the more I suffer. I just accept it now. And Parts of me still fight, but my brain is just like, "yo man that's just how it is going to be. Ok?. Ok." Accepting a reality that you don't agree with is hard. Its like your constantly hating the world and yet still choosing to live in it. The older I get, the more I realize I am just going to have to live through the shitty parts. there is a certain versatility to getting older though. where in, you stop caring so much about fitting into whatever fucking thing you were trying to fit into when you were young. Cool shit isn't really a priority anymore. Cool things become kind of like this bonus part of your life. Like oh hey wow that's really cool. Or at least that's how I feel. I feel like I used to be cool. Maybe that was an illusion. I feel like a loser now. And when I stumble into some cool shit I'm like oh dope I'm hip. What up. I don't know. I guess you become familiar with losing. Unless you're like a fucking jock or something. But You realize that the world can really fuck your shit up. It can take things from you, without asking. So you learn the hard way, that you gotta hold on to the good stuff.. even though sometimes the good stuff is slippery. Sometimes the good stuff doesn't want you to hold on to it. Where am I going with this. Fitting in. You don't put the effort into it like you used to. You're to busy to worry about fitting into some mould. Fuck the moulds man, the moulds are the devil. You want to be the cool guy with the leather jacket and cigarette, nah man that's a hollow fucking identity. With any luck, you start to develop a sort of moral integrity that acts as a compass in social situations. Should I stay and do cocaine all night with these 3 sketchy people? Or should I go home and sleep. Well lets do the math. What do I want out of life. What do I need to do tmrw. Who do I want to be? Morally speaking, is this a good idea? I don't know. The older I get, the more I realize that I have all these great ideas about how to help myself, but I never actually follow through on any of them. You know? Like I end up staying and doing the Cocaine with the 3 sketchy people. Because I cling to the fun side of things still and that's not always practical but its hard to have fun now in days and so when I have the option I'm like fuck ya. I don't know. The older I get the more I realize I don't follow through on things. Getting older has this versatility though, that's where I think I was beginning with this whole thing. Like listening to music for instance. I just have this crazy ability to listen to whatever the fuck I want, and not worry about what anybody else will think. its the effort that starts to slip, i think. i used to be stuck listening to certain genres like a sucker because i thought it had some affect on how others might view me. Seriously. Like I wanted to be perceived a certain way so I had to edit my life accordingly. I couldn't listen to country music because it would mean I'm not cool. Not that I want to listen to country music now but you know what I mean. I'll listen to anything now, because I don't feel like the music I listen to, reflects that much information about me. The only people that would judge me on my music tastes are assholes, and see then fuck those people anyways, right? And yet people are still sooo particular about their music. Like is tied into their ego. Like if you put on the wrong song, you're a loser. sometimes its like its tied into their ego. and i get that, you wanna be about your interests. You wanna seem metal or punk or- eventually you realize that there are things you need to hate, and things you dont. feelings are involuntary most of the time, but experience allows you to develop some sort of clarity in regards to when and where you want to feel stuff. at least thats what i pretend. And so I have stopped hating genres of music, because I feel like that's a waste of time. I know this guy who acts like he knows the best music. Only him. Like if you put on a song and he doesn't like it, he's like all snobby about it and its like. Fuck off. You're being an asshole. I used to be like that but man I have since then learned to appreciate a wide variety of music. I feel like the older I get, the more accepting I am of lots of things. And maybe that is because most of the things I didn't accept when I was young, I was taught not to accept. So somebody else was forming my opinion. I saw somebody else do something and I thought ok ya me too. But when you get older you start really taking stock in your individual tastes in things. You start investing in your own preferences, and its fine and fun to go your own way. When you are young, and you try to stray from the pack, people criticize you for it. I remember people saying to me, "oh you're just trying to be different" "oh Greg always has to be different" and its like, fuckin eh. I was trying to follow my own nose. I was trying to listen to myself instead of just doing what everyone else was doing but it's lonely sometimes. And that's why people always come back to their egos because they feel like it protects them from loneliness. They feel like it insulates them from being looked at as a weirdo. I invested so much time into my ego when I was a kid. Because that's what you think will help you get laid. But Its so liberating to just let go of all those expectations. I can put on spice girls in my truck and fucking blast it with the windows down and roll down the street and not even give a care. When did that happen and like how did that happen? Why was I so afraid when I was a kid. Is that just like part of it? Like you follow the group for survival, and then you realize you can survive on your own so you start celebrating that fact? anyways, i feel like i can listen to anything, freely now. and in part, that is also due to the fact that music is literally accessible from my pocket. it takes me about 34 seconds to find the song i want to listen to. and if i feel like looking for new music, there are limitless opportunities for me to discover new bands. But to be honest, half the time im just trying to remember all the songs that have slipped away from me. all the music i used to listen to, before mp3's were the norm. or at least, all the music that was on my computer, 6 computers ago. and if im not trying to trace those songs down, im looking up new songs, by those old bands. i feel like music should just stop for awhile so i can catch up on all the old stuff. it shouldnt even be an option that you can listen to a single song by itself. it should be the entire album or nothing.like a record. I should buy records. i have heard one song, by 3 million different bands. And I feel badly about that. Maybe the rest of their music is fantastic? But I'm so busy listening to 6 thousand other bands that I only have time for this one song. No that's not true actually I have tried to listen to some albums in full, and in realizing there is only one song i like, i develop a sort of hatred for the band. like, uh ok so i spent 30 mins on this shit and there's nothing catchy. This band sucks. Although I would never say that. okay so then i take back what i said about how you should have to listen to the full album. the fact that you can look up a single song and download it and sing along to it and show your friends and maybe even put it on in the car or at a party and dance to it, thats so cool. and so ya anything goes now. i was looking through the archives of old music blogs i used to visit, and found some 2006 shit and it brought me back man. 10 years ago. i found all these songs and bands that i listened to back then, but never really understood the lyrics to. But now when I listen to that music, with a better understanding of the world, it all sounds a little different. The same. But different, like I can extract more meaning from it or I can see the desperate parts more clearly. also, there was obviously this big high of nostalgia. because it reminded me of myself, back then. in 2006. i graduated in 2006 and life was so fucking different. and its fun to have an excuse to launch yourself back into those memories. some of those memories i never would have remembered had it not been for some of that music. the songs had latched onto the moments better than i had, you know? all of a sudden its like your watching this movie of yourself at 17 or 18, except its not a movie its just music but with that same amount of colour and motion. i can see my friends back then and my old house and i can feel the energy almost. i can feel where my head was at. like my brain is being put into an old shell of itself, but it expands and fits into it like a glove. like ice cubes freezing into a tray. and im there. i think everyone in the world has a love affair for the music from their youth. its got this really sad poetic glow to it, that you can only see when your looking at it from where you are now. there is a song somewhere that has lyrics about something like that "how you can only see the magic password when your looking at it backwards, or through a rear view mirror" or something like that i dont know. and i like that idea in itself, too. i like that idea of reflection. mainly because im at an age where it still feels fun, and not forced. im 28 so its kind of a stretch for me to sit there in a rocking chair and recall my teenage years. i see older people talk about when they where young and its depressing because they are so fucking far away from those days. its literally been a lifetime since they've done some of the shit they talk about. my youngness doesn't feel out of reach. and maybe im delusional because you obviously cant travel back in time, but it still kinda feels like i can talk about it without people rolling their eyes at me. for the record, i do like hearing older people talk about their youth, i know i will get old too. and i dont mean to sound like a hypocrite but. now that i am older. ish. 28. i can listen to anything i want. and that same sort of freedom can be translated to other parts of my life as well. i can eat what i want. i can say what i want. both obviously have repercussions, but nobody will stop me. anything goes for me right now. i do have some financial limitations, and presently, some legal limitations, but nobody is telling me not to have chocolate cake for breakfast. nobody is telling me i can't talk about how trippy the human eye ball is. in fact, i've made it so that the people i spend most of my time with, accept most of the things i do and say. i've surrounded myself with friends that even encourage me. they support my ramblings. they think its cool that i eat chocolate cake. if they didnt think it was cool. i wouldnt hang out with them. Instead of vice versa. one thing i do care about still, is how i dress. it gives me great anxiety to get on the bus in a dirty shirt. i still have trouble finding pants that fit. i am self conscious about how i walk. i can't seem to stop worrying about my physical appearance. high school was way worse, but i just can't shake the feeling that people are paying attention to my outfits or my facial hair or my skinny elbows or my really skinny legs god do i hate my skinny fucking legs. And this is just me being honest. I fucking wish I didn't feel this way oh my god I wish I could just put on pants and a t shirt but nothing fucking fits properly. I see these people who walk into a store and grab the first shirt they see and it fits. I'm like woah how did you do that. Being tall and lanky is a fucking curse when it comes to clothing. maybe this is reflective of my own interest in others physicality. maybe it shows that i am still interested in what other people wear. if i can change my outward perspective, maybe i can change my inward perspective. im gonna work on that. it takes time to learn things about yourself. so much of your young life is spent just doing things because you want to. when you start to figure out why you want to do something. thats when things become complicated. then you develop this ability to feel guilty about your decisions. when you are young, you can avoid all that sort of emotional, moral, responsibility. but when you are older,ish, 28. you don't just see your face or your body in the mirror you see this whole entire life. you see everything its connected to, you see last night and you see the meeting you have tmrw morning and you see this fucking bill you really have to pay but you just cant afford it because you spent all your money on alcohol. again. I guess sometimes you can get away with a good hair day. sometimes you can be on some fucking weird trip that allows you to look in the mirror with confidence. and in those moments, its just a mirror. its just some shiny thing that lets you see how you look. maybe for that moment, you look how you want. sometimes you look in the mirror and you are content. but most of the time, you want something from yourself. when i think about the freedom i have now, vs the freedom i had when i was a kid, i stand on a fence. nobody tells me what to do anymore, but that is also kind of the scary part. i think that freedom to make your own decisions is much more important though, because that's where the individual begins. I miss having my dinner made for me and my food paid for but like i have way more options now. being young, i tried so hard to be this cool guy, that i wasn't even really myself. it was like i was creating a video game character. i was so into myself, that i could barely understand things that didn't somehow have to do with me. like a sunset. i saw it, but i wanted it to be about me somehow. i wanted someone to know i was seeing it or i had to be with someone to prove it was there, maybe? now i have found that i can experience moments in life, by myself and i can let them change me on their own. and that can be my interaction. that is enough on its own. But im not on some conquest to be lonely here either, thats not what im saying. even in moments with people, like the man at the store who i talk to for five minutes. i know ill never see him again and i know he cant do anything for me or my image or whatever, but i actually enjoy talking to him and learning about whatever the fuck it is hes saying. does that make sense? i dont need anything from it. i just enjoy the experience itself. there is that versatility again, like the music. i can listen to anything i want to right now and if someone was to look at me and say, "greg are you fucking listening to dmx," i would say fuck you man this music is what i want to listen to. and i would have conviction saying that. because i believe it. on that front, i have complete freedom. i feel like i can listen to anything. but my favourite thing to listen to, still seems to be, the music that i grew up with. Weird.

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