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creatorofclay · 5 years

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Tfw art inspires you to write an angsty drabble instead of your drafts. Big oof.

Words gone. Silence hangs over them. All anger seemed to dissipate, turning the atmosphere into one more tense. Both sets of blue eyes were locked, unmoving, even as synthetic skin began to reform over one of them. As the sound of the skin crackling faded away, it was quiet again.

Say something. Please just say something. Elijah couldn't handle the stare his brother was giving him. Just a moment before they had been arguing about something so meaningless at the moment. Now, the look in Gavin's eye was a different shade of anger, one Elijah couldn't place.

"Gavin," he held a hand up to reach for Gavin, who was holding his blue stained fist to his chest, only for him to step back in reaction. Elijah stopped and dropped his hand, breaking away from his eyes as he looked down.

"Explain." Gavin's voice was gruff, yet still confused and somehow angry, "What the hell are you? Why do you look like Elijah?"

Elijah raises his eyes again, "Because I am Elijah. Or at least... A shadow of who he was."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Gavin was yelling again, stepping towards Elijah once more.

Elijah just sighed, "My body died long ago, but my mind still exists in this android."

Gavin shook his head, waving his hands, "Wait, no, shut the fuck up a second. What do you mean your 'body died long ago'? Are you... Trying to say..." He slowed his words, he couldn't say it. He clenched his fists tight, his jaw even tighter, "Eli... Is dead?" He said quietly, "And you expect me to believe that?"

Elijah frowned, "I knew you wouldn't believe it, but it's true. I... Wanted to tell you so many times but... I just couldn't. We we're getting along for a while, I just..." He looked down at his own hands, "I wanted you to have good memories with me. Not this."

"Prove it."

Elijah looked up again, dropping his hands. He wanted proof, of course he did. Luckily, he knew one thing that the detective was sure to believe, something he would know fake from real. His death certificate. Elijah walked over to a painting in the wall and pulled it away, opening the safe behind it. He pulled out one piece of paper from a pile in the back and handed it to him.

"State of Michigan, department of community health, death certificate for Elijah Louis Kamski," Elijah's tone was flat, though his eyebrows knit together as he watched his brother reading the paper over, "Date of birth, July 17th, 2002. Date of death, November 20th, 2028. Cause of death listed as widespread stage four leukemia," Gavin's eyes were wide as they searched over the page, but Elijah went on anyway, "The android at the crematory had no idea what it was getting into. But, the memory of me bringing in my own body to be secretly cremated was not one it couldn't keep."

"I-Its true then..." Gavin's voice shook a bit, quieter than it had been. Elijah took back to certificate and returned it to the safe, keeping his back to his brother as Gavin stared hard at him, "Why... Why didn't he ever say anything?" He clenched his fists tight, nails digging into his palms.

Elijah paused as he returned the picture to where it was originally. This was what he had been afraid of. Gavin no longer saw him as his brother. Now... He was just another android, "What could he say?" He answered, "What could I say when neither you or Hannah would speak to me? You were both still so angry... There was nothing I could do."

Gavin's breath seemed to catch in his throat, "So she doesn't know about this either?"

"No."

"You son of a bitch!" Gavin lashed out again as Elijah turned to face him, "How could you? How selfish do you have to be to do something like this?"

Elijah gave him a weird look, shaking his head a bit, "Selfish? Is it selfish to want to live, Gavin? So selfish to want to be able to actually make good memories with you and with Hannah when I couldn't while I was alive?" He was yelling back now, "if anything, it's generous to you!"

"No! You asshole!" Gavin stepped closer and shoved Elijah back, making his hit the wall, "Selfish that you kept it all to yourself!" He snapped, punching him again, over and over between sentences, "Selfish that not even your siblings could support you! Selfish that you didn't even want to see us in your final days! That... That..." He held his fist up as the angry tears started to fall from his face, "That you didn't even let us say goodbye."

Elijah stared at him, skin reforming once again from where Gavin hit. He hadn't thought of it like that. All he knew was that neither Hannah or Gavin really wanted to talk to him before. Saying goodbye to them, giving them that closure, why didn't he even consider it? He let himself die in complete silence, not a single soul ever knowing, while he replaced himself with an android. The tears started to stream from his own face now.

"Gavin...I... I'm sorry." He breathed.

Gavin shoved into him and turned away, aggressively wiping the tears from his eyes. He sighed, keeping his back to Elijah, "Are you going to tell her?"

"I didn't plan to."

Gavin turned back, glaring at him again, "Oh, so, what, you're just going to let her find out on her own when one day she realizes how old shes getting while you stay the same?!"

"it's synthetic skin, Gavin!" Elijah snapped back, "I can change it to look however I need to!"

"that's so fucked up!" Gavin paused, lowering his shoulders, "But that was your plan from the start, wasn't it? You weren't going to tell us at all..."

Elijah frowned, "Gavin--" Gavin holds his hand up and just storms out of the room. He's almost to the front door as he pulls out his phone and dials Hannah's number. Elijah followed him, but as he realized what he was doing, he ran over to him, "No! Dont--!"

As Elijah came close, Gavin shoved him back again, "She deserves to know."

"Gavin please, it's going to destroy her!"

"You should have thought of that before!" Gavin yelled, "Now you're tem years too late to think of us."

The phone picked up before Elijah could protest further, chatter faint in the background, but her voice clear in the receiver, "Hello? Gav, what's up?"

She sounded cheerful, happy. And Gavin was about to ruin that.

"Hey, sis, gotta a sec?" He kept his eyes locked on Elijah who was silently pleading with him with his eyes.

"Yeah, sure, hold on. I'm out with a few coworkers, let me get somewhere quiet." There was a quiet "I gotta take this, it's my brother" before she seemed to move to another room, a bathroom by the sound of the echo, "What's on your mind?"

Gavin hesitated, forcing himself tk look away "Its... Elijah, have you talked to him?"

"He called me yesterday, yeah, why?" He tone immediately changed to one of concern.

"I mean, really talk to him. In person."

"Gavin, what's going on? Did something happen to Elijah?" Her voice was much more serious now, "Is he in some kind of trouble?"

Gavin glanced up at Elijah again who had his head in his hands, waiting for the worst, "... No, I... Just hadn't heard from him. Figured I'd make sure he wasn't dead or something."

Elijah looked up quickly at him, as Hannah still seemed pretty concerned, "You're acting really weird, Gav. What aren't you telling me?"

Elijah was shaking his head, but Gavin turned away from him again, "No. We had a pretty bad fight, that's all. I won't call the prick myself, but, maybe you should."

"He seemed fine yesterday but... I'll call him when I get home. Okay?"

"Yeah, alright. Talk to you later, Han." He gave a sigh as he dropped his hand and looked to Elijah again. He pointed to him before he could say anything, "You can tell her yourself. And if you don't, I swear, I'll make you wish you did."

Elijah just watched as Gavin walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him, mumbling something about the "plastic pricks" as he did. Elijah started to turn to away when he heard Gavin let out a loud yell, followed by a loud car alarm. It only had the chance to blare a couple times before he shut it off and zoomed away from the house. Elijah looked at his hand, synthetic skin pulling back to show the white plastic frame underneath.

"What have I done?" He whispered.

#false face must hide what the false heart doth know // android au #nothing can come of nothing; speak again // gavin and hannah #not all memories lost are forgotten // drabble #have this

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weeaboo-horror-stories · 5 years

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I am bisexual.

When I was in the 4th grade, at age 11, I met this really cute girl. She was about, what, 4'6 ft tall? She was actually my classmate, but I was always socially awkward. It's a long story, but we eventually became friends. She was REALLY smart and hardworking (in our school, if you're an honor student, you're REAALLY smart.) while i was lazy and average. Of course, back then we were still children. (Btw let's refer to her as "Maki" instead) We both loved anime, and we were total weebs. At that time, I was obsessed with Hetalia. I influenced her to watch it, she was a shugo chara fan. Anddd so she also got addicted.

Anyway, I was pretty fond of drawing, and people saluted me for my skills. Maki worshipped me like a God no im sERIOUS and called me "sensei", because i gave her lots of tips. She overestimated me too much. To the point where she neglected her studies just to talk to me. Although, I myself did not notice that. She always told me that she never had a true friend, and I was her first friend. She always told me that she loved me, and that we will forever be friends until we die.

Her mother started to notice the big drop of our grades, and blamed me for it. She also started talking back to her, although Maki said that she did that back before we were friends.

Fifth and sixth grade came by, (i am from asia, 6th grade is our last year in gradeschool, but we still remain at the same school.) and her mother's anger at me grew, for Maki's behavior became "worse", as Maki explained. She forbid her to see me, and I was hurt. But she still constantly followed me, we were inseparable.

Her mother even asked for a transfer of section in 6th grade, just for her to get away from me. But that didn't work either.

I didn't understand, she still remained an honor student, so what's wrong? I was hurt.

So one day, I confronted her. I wasn't rude, if that's what you're thinking. But she screamed at me and demanded at me to leave her daughter alone right in front of the school's catholic church. She called me a demon. Everyone in the school was looking at her with shame, and looking at me with pity. I shaked the tears off, I didn't want her to see me cry. I left afterwards in tears, it wouldn't stop. The only thing that cheered me up was a friend that went with me in the car (because no driver). She was my childhood friend (first friend too. We've been friends for almost 12 years) let's refer to her as Aka.

I never realized I was bisexual until freshman year came. But that's where the real thing comes.

At that time, the school year was ending, and I told her that maybe we should be apart

I had two reasons for saying that.

One, is because I didn't want her to get hurt anymore. Her mother abuses her. It just hurts me to see her hurt, and yet still smile.

Two, is because I felt odd. I think about her everytime, I go nuts when I don't get to talk to her for a day. I felt so crazy that I didn't know what it was. I had a crush on a boy back then at 4th grade, but the feeling was different somehow. I was so confused.

When I told her to break it for the 3rd time, we did. But afterwards, we came by again. She told me that she was so sad. I didn't know what to feel, so I smiled at it. It was March.

My weeaboo phase ended at that month.

I started to watch different things like the vampire diaries...etc.

Afterwards, I have come to the thought that I had feelings for her, so I told her that we should be acquaintances starting our first year of highschool.

When we found out the people we will be classmates with, I told her to be friends with a certain person (lets call her Eli?)

And so she did.

But, I realized how jealous I was after nearly a month.

She made a bunch of friends, while I...made nothing. But that's not why I was jealous

I was jealous because I wasn't with her everyday like we used to, it's not the same anymore. I felt ignored. So I sent her a message. And she answered with

"Heya~ Recieved ur text but ddnt recive load, im NOT trying to ignore you though, i thought we were aquaintances and yes i knew u helped me a lot and i appreciate u for that but you dnt hav d right to tell me whether to make friends or not, because we have our own lives n i do wat i want when i wanna do it n i wanna make friends so what? I actually did make lots this first few weeks of school already. Plus i dont think we can relate to each other anymore.. I love hetalia & anime still but u've gone out of d fandom n went to TVD n PLL, im not really interested in that though,sorry.I still belive dat anime could be real while u think their jst living in ur comp screen. Im not trying to judge ur opinions because i respect ur opinions owo scouting is actually fun though, its not boring nor tiering at all, its pretty fun >w< i luv it. Believe it or not i still miss you but i dont think we can relate. I hav 2 study everyday n night, my grades matter to me, so please dnt say im trying to ignore u by not going to fb, i jst hav 2 study thats y. I cant be on here all the time n i barely hav time to get on here because im trying to make up for my failing ones.. n my phone dsnt lyk recieving load idk y. btw i sti believe my friends wnt leave me and yeah thats all i gotta say bye see u :)"

I felt offended..somehow

So I confronted her, told her that I wanted us to be friends again. But she didn't want to, for she already got a new set of friends. And of course, I wanted to cry. But I didn't want to show it.

I wanted to shout.

There was another message, it was her apologizing for offending me. Of course, I didn't see that message. But I confronted her the day before, I think she was offended. No...she IS offended. I felt baddd

I don't want to reveal anything else, but I sent her a total of 20+ apology messages through deviantart and facebook from July to March of 2014.

I was seenzoned, and there was so reply.

I cried every night.

I felt so obsessed, stalking her through every site.

I was friends with Eli, and I asked her about what Maki thinks of me. She said that Maki didn't want to talk about it, but she disliked me. Ouch.

Although, Eli DID say that Maki had an older brother and an older sister who was married, but I knew those were big lies. She only had one sister, which was younger than her. I can't believe she lied, she wasnt the type of person to lie.

At January of 2014, I met a guy from the higher batch (can we call him vans). He made me realize that I was bisexual, that I loved Maki.

So, at April of 2014, I sent her my last message. I even confessed to her that I had a crush on her.

But at October (or so) I sent her another message through deviantart, admitting all faults.

I didn't expect her to reply, but when I checked my deviantart page again, she replied.

I'm too lazy to look up what she said, but she said that she forgave me, asked me how I was, and all. But she sent another message that said that we couldnt be together again, but we are good now.

I was so happy that I cried, screamed, and burried myself in the pillow. Literally.

Until now, at sophomore year, I still see her. We're still not classmates, and our classrooms are far from each other, but each time I see her..my heart still tends to ache.

We are from different clubs (she is from the english club, while I am from the art club. If the art club wasn't so full, I think we would've been clubmates.)

Next school year, I have a horrible feeling that we will be classmates, due to the fact that I am pretty sure we took the art course. Our school will sort us by course next year, and I'm not sure what I will do if I were to be her classmate once more. Will I breakdown and cry in front of her? Or smile at her, and fall for her all over again? It's not fair. I still want to see her.

I hope her mother will accept me one day, and I will be able to be close to her once again. I am okay with being "just friends", I just don't want to be apart from her. I hope she understands.

Maki, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for letting me experience being loved, feeling loved. I'm sorry for being such a horrible person back then. Thank you so much.

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theday · 6 years

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hello! as 2017 is ending nd 2018 is starting i thought i’d do a mutual appreciation post like many others are doing/have done because wtf i love my friends [dowoon voice] hey! and yes thats me down there bc hashtag love myself hashtag love yourself - big time rush, 2017

heres some (hopefully) short sappy story lads,, so ive converted this blog 3 times from a 5sos one to an aes blog and now we’re here! ive had this as a kpop sideblog since the start of july and i never expected to make as many friends as i have now and it still wows me so much wtf... i love all of you im gonna throw myself off a cliff into a sea of love

legend: ☆ - people i love a lot, ☾- the most important to me!, bolded for trusted mutual

short message to my moon people alright hopefully i dont write an essay

☾ @softshouyous: falen waht the fuck u know when u told me we were only friends for a whole year and a half i didnt believe it ;-/ i thought we were pals for longer thats just how close we are i guess ive done so many falen love essays so ill be repeating myself lmao youre one of my greatest friends on here and twitter and i just wanted to say thank you, for a few things!! first for staying strong and being here today!! second is for following (back?) on twitter which lead us to not Dying off u kno...,, third is for being someone i can rely on whenever i need to and talking to you makes me feel the safest bc i know.. i know u rly like being my friend ur my safe friend my special place i love u :D

☾ @briwoon: hey boxy!!!!!!!!! i dont remember how we became friends but i have a lot to say to u why didnt u send a tree in dhhdh u dont have to bc ill be professing my love for u here b*thc ! dude ok i always say this bc im basically a broken record but thank you sososososoosososososososoosososo much for introducing me to day6 because damn without you i wouldnt be here and i dont know how id have managed to survive the rest of the year without them so really- thank you so damn much i love u the mostest :( i know u might be going through some tough times but please know that i am here for you (so is bell!) so feel free to talk to us anytime!! another thing, thank u for introducing me to mx as well you really brought happiness into my life bc of everything..! ur imapct my dude!!!!!! this all happened bc of you! this is happening bc of you and i just want you to know that youve given me a reason to smile everyday nd im hoping one day youll have a reason to smile daily too! im glad astro are helping you out too and that you like them :-( i love u 2 the moon and back!

☾ @tokayhk: bell just 2 start off ill be saying no homo duhdjhdh just kidding i love u so much okay i know we havent even been buddies for that long but it feels like ive known u for more! !!!!! ur a friend i can rant to (and be extra shady with) and youve also helped me accept reality (thank u god) even tho i did hate u for like 1 minute but im over that please dm me any time to tell me 2 wake the fuk up bc sometimes i need it ;-/ despite being a youngin youre super mature which led me to think u were like 18 but thats clearly not the case jdjs its okie though ur doing amazing for a [redacted] year old!!!!! please i love ur humor so much and every time u say ur not funny i wanna punhc u but with love bc ur the funniest person i know :-( u always make us (the hq) laugh and pleas its amazing ur presence in the gc rly brightens the whole place up i love u also ur impact ive been using the phrases u say a lot more often now i shld start crediting u in the tags or smth (c) bell ! also! im glad u got into astro bc before boxy u were the only person id be yelling to on twitter about astro im glad u like them too wtf ! i love u so much and thank u for being my friend and being born :-0 i already told u like a few lines back but u rly are funnie and also ur art i mcdie every time huhuuhu i miss ur streams but idk when im free ;-( ur streams rly made my day we became friends through that and the gc is thriving its been a good year !

ill stop there bc this post would get super long if i didnt now on 2 my buddies!! (?? how many alphabets are there)

A-L:

@astrofireworks / @briwoon ☆ / @ckyun / @chaekkung ☆ / @cinnamoonbunbin ☆ / @dalkkong ☆ / @eggkyun / @eunrocky / @gothhyungwon ☆ / @heybinnie / @hokidan / @hyyh-pt2 / @ikyh / @imchangkyute / @ilovedowoon / @jianhyuk / @jinwooes / @jooheun ☆ / @kihyunswife ☆ / @kimkyungsoos / @kiwirn / @leedongmlns ☆ / @ljh-94

M-guys i cant do the fucking hashtag what the fuck pretend its there:

@m1nhyuk ☆ / @minhyukt ☆ / @mxgoth / @myunghjun / @mxrays / @minhyukwithagun ☆ / @monbeebs ☆ / @morningcallz / @nubebe ☆ / @oikawayylmao / @parkminhyuksegg / @softki / @softshouyous ☆ / @space-triangles / @smileyrocky / @tokayhk ☆ / @vmxns / @whonpil / @warmhyungwon / @04yeol / @1showho ☆ / @15hyungwon / @94honeyluv

if you werent added in here (aka my dumbass forgot) just like this post and ill add u immediately!!! also dont worry if you werent bolded/starred i love everyone!!!!!! all of you have made my 2017 a little bit better and brighter and i hope we’ll be able to stay friends/mutuals in the next year as well

feel free to unfollow/break the mutual anytime though!! :D your dash should be filled with things you want to see/love! this should be posted at 12am my time so happy new year (eve, for most) i hope everyone has a good day/night! thank you once again for making my year better ♡

i neevr shut up but another thing,, good job to everyone for managing to make it through another year!! im proud of everyone okie i love u guys :_) oh ya god can i shut up but shout out to my secret santas!!! miss cryptic if ur out there thank u for being an awesome ss i hope ur doing well !!

#the quality of the header might suck but u know its Me.... low quality header for a lq person :^)#moon texts #friends #also the header is so ugly but those are astro's official colours so !#hm shld i tag this as ff #follow forever

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gojaimas · 6 years

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More Comments

MyloMatsuri: “I feel like you could've put this at the very end, after the story was finished. Dont get me wrong, I loved the little interlude. just thought that from a narrative standpoint, it would've been interesting to see this after reading how Gwen, ben, and Lucy reach the conclusion to this story.”

I disagree. It’s important to completely understand how Gwen feels at this point, so I wanted the readers to know everything about her and Ben’s past. Now is the last opportunity to show that.

kinglan10: “So while this author has Gwen describing herself as "not religious," this could mean anything from an Atheist, to an Agnostic, to a Christian who doesnt attend church often and/or doesnt think about God and religion often. And since it's somewhat open to interpretation I choose to pick the one that favors my views, which I'll go as far to say that no I dont believe Gwen is an atheist.”

Pretty much. I wasn’t expecting people to think this much about it. Gwen being religious or not isn’t important, I just figured it would come up at least once in the conversation if two people were to discuss whether or not incest was okay. I can share more about how Ben, Gwen, and Lucy think in terms of religion if people are curious, but it isn’t gonna come up in the story. It’s actually good character building exercise for me to answer unimportant background questions about them, so everyone should feel free to ask me whatever they want about the characters.

csgt: “Interesting twist to make Gwen herself the one who asked for the trip instead of her mother, but Natalie was very supportive of the whole thing. I wonder if this will be a plot point that will come up later, that Natalie might unexpectedly react better to the Bwen relationship than the rest of the parents (usually, in my stories included, Natalie is the most fiercely opposition to the cousins)”

Natalie actually being kind of nice deep down is probably a plot twist no one was expecting lol. I’ve had people commenting recently about how cold she seems compared to Frank, which is how I’ve purposely portrayed her so far, so it was fun to make her show how much she really cares about her daughter for once.

Guest: “I never thought about it before but it was weird that Gwen didnt come out to laugh at Ben hanging when she was in the Rust Bucket the whole time. This fic is now canon.”

Yeah, they didn’t really explain why she didn’t do anything at that point. And I always thought there were some holes in Gwen’s story about being forced by her mother to go on the trip with them. I definitely prefer my headcanon too.

Guest: “Lucy’s into girls? Her and Gwen just seemed like friends in the original serious but oh well. I have friends who’re bisexual so I’m not homophobic but I just can’t seen them as anything more than friends but that’s just my opinion.”

Lucy being bi isn’t something I based on anything from the original series. I just thought it fit because most of the girls I’ve known with her kind of personality have also been bi. Also, I figured she would have sort of a Captain Jack Harkness attitude towards the whole thing, as in, if she can be attracted to aliens who look nothing like her own species, she’s probably not gonna care too much about gender.

Guest: “Nice to see you following your idol Egaraptor’s “don’t break the chain” technique and caring about your fans so even when you can’t get the big chapters done just yet by uploading an interesting nostalgic take on the very first episode of Ben 10. Take your time, it only makes me more excited for it because there’s gonna be a lot of weightage to it. I can assure you’ll be as successful as Ego with your writing skills. Also Game Grumps is great”

Thanks! “Don’t break the chain” is a technique I’d recommend to anyone who wants to write a story as long as mine. I haven’t been watching a ton of Game Grumps lately, but I still love Egoraptor and everyone else on the channel.

Guest: “Something tells me this’ll go real south like ddlc”

What makes you say that, FriendGuest? Everything is fine. I am a perfectly normal hu-man.

Guest: “About the bathroom screen, yes we have seen her express other emotions before besides her trademark smiley emoji and prancing around the playground personality but for someone so seductive and sarcastic, panting from being close to Ben’s touch and running to calm herself down is the thing you’d expect someone like her to and something you’d expect Gwen to do. Deep down, we all have emotions and that can go both ways”

Well said. Lucy is a very emotional person, and that means experiencing both the highs and the lows.

Guest: “It saddens me the producers didn’t have the balls to end Oreimo right. I mean he rejected 4 girls for a short amount of time with his sister? They pussied out and gave an half assed ending. But hopefully, looks like you’ll set the record straight and please all your fans even though the ending is sadly nearing”

I actually suspect that Kyousuke used the “I will do one thing you ask of me” favor that Kirino owed him to break their original agreement and get back together in the end. But I agree, they didn’t end it well. Sorry to all you #RuriSquad people out there, but Kirino totally deserved to win.

Guest: “Julie’s a pretty underrated character tbh. I mean she was plainly made just to be Ben’s Girlfriend from the ghetto but she did have an understanding and likeable personality. They actually had good chemistry in alien force and unlike your story, Gwen was the one pushing Ben to go talk to her. They had their ups and downs in ultimate alien and broke up in omniverse for Ben yelling at a video game when he’s in a phone call with Julie. What?!”

Wait, that’s really how they ended that pairing in Omniverse? God, what were they thinking with those sequels?

Guest: “Uh I’m totally fine with Lucy having feelings for girls but with Gwen seems weird... they always seem to have a Sister or bestie relationship. It’s like pairing up Ben and Kevin to be gay when they act like bros or shipping Captain America and Bucky.”

I never said Gwen was into girls. As for why Lucy would have feelings for Gwen specifically, try not to view my story entirely through the lens of the actual show, as my story differs from it in many ways. If I haven’t done a great job of establishing it using my story alone, that’s my bad, but I hope I’ve done a good enough job of showing how Lucy’s feelings have developed over time.

Guest: “Tara Strong is the voice of my childhood”

Same! I love that woman.

Guest: “Do you watch HighSchool DxD? I mean I know it’s an ecchi anime, it’s like Game of Thrones, you watch it for the plot and the “plot”. What’s your impression on the Season 4 art style?”

I do watch it, and I’m only half-ashamed to admit that haha. I love Crossover Cosmology and I love hot girls, so what’s not to love about it? I’m not a huge fan of the change in art style, but I’m fine with it as long as Koneko is still cute.

Guest: “'This is how we met' that was a genuinely sweet moment between Ben and Lucy and something I wish would’ve happened in the canon timeline.”

Me too. Every chapter I write makes me realize more and more just how much potential the show wasted with Lucy.

Guest: “Since you have interest in drawing, after you’re done with the story, the multiple endings, moving onto others or the one shots. I hope you or someone can illustrate this in a manga or a light novel kind of way or even animate it, although a masterpiece like this definitely deserves an adaption that would be a real big deal”

I was serious earlier when I said I’d pay people to make fan art of my story if anyone was interested. The entire story is way too long for a complete manga or animated adaptation, but individual scenes might work. I might do some drawings of my own once I’m finished with the story, but my drawing practice is mostly on hold while I’m working on it.

Guest: “as much as I adore Bwen, are there any Bency stories at all? Even if they are, I doubt they could portray her character and the chemistry between her and Ben so well that makes me root for them too even this started off as a Bwen Fanfic”

I’m sure there are more out there, but I haven’t seen any. Well, aside from a single erotic oneshot I read once, but I probably shouldn’t link to that publicly haha.

#Comments

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alyssheart · 6 years

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confessions and story time

i know i haven't posted any of my art in a while. im sorry about that, but i feel inspired after watching a few youtube videos about depression and suicide awareness and i want to tell my story. and its LONG.

A lot of what im about to say no one but my closest friend of 15 years knows. My family, my other friends. no one knows. but here i am about to tell my story, poor grammar and all. so here's your TMI and trigger warning. Let's dive deep

Let me give you some back story. I am 29 years old. I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. I have 2 amazing little boys, a beautiful daughter who passed away (more on that later). I have a very supportive and understanding fiance. And my family, although a bit dysfunctional at times, is an amazing support group for me and loves me unconditionally.

That being said, there are things that i never told anyone because im one of those people that dont like to burden others when there's so many other, more serious issues that are going on around me to others that i care about.

When i was a little kid, i was adventurous, curious, a little shy. I was 100% a daddy's girl. In my eyes daddy could do no wrong. My mom and i were close too, but in a different way. Dont get me wrong, i LOVE my mom, i always have but it took my mom and dads divorce and a lot of self reflection and hearing stories to know my "do no wrong" dad was anything but.

That, however, is not my story to tell, but its where my story starts.

When my dad left us, we had just moved to Ohio from Alabama. I was young, 6th grade. Of course i stayed with my mom, and my dad moved back to Alabama. I took this hard, i stopped taking care of myself. I didnt shower, i didn't brush my teeth, i didnt want to. my mom would have to force me to not be the smelly kid. my grades in school plummeted, i just didnt care.

a few years passed and then BOYS. Now, since i was young, even in Alabama had "boyfriends". But when i say BOYS i mean preteen-teenager hardcore "im in love and will never love anyone else!" kind of BOYS.

That's when i started taking care of myself again. I would hang out every Saturday night at the local skating rink. thats where i met him. my beginning to my end. my first "love". For protection, we'll call him Steven.

Steven was 2 years older than me, so cute, a sweet talking, gangster wanna-be. the bad boy your mother warns you about. He and i started a relationship that lasted on and off for 4 years.

He cheated on me a lot. Not sleeping around, because he was only 13 (at the begining, i was 11) at the time, but writing notes to other girls, kissing etc. Everytime it would break my little heart, but every time he would sweet talk his way back to me and I'd fall for it EVERY TIME.

lets fast forward a bit, i was now 13, he was 15. My mom is now seeing someone else, who would eventually become my stepdad/little sisters dad. We went to this little town for a semi monthly street fair. While my mom and her new boyfriend stayed at the booth he was working Steve and i started walking around. We walked down this ally way to take a short cut to a store we wanted to visit that sold albums, records etc.

He stopped me in the ally way, and to not become to graphic, things happened. Things I was not ready for, but convinced myself was okay at the time, because i "loved him" and we'd be "together forever ". i cried the entire time, he assumed it was from the pain. It was really because i knew, at this moment i was not ready, and no matter how i tried to convince myself, i KNEW it was wrong. i never said no. i never tried to stop it, that time.

Fast forward again a few months later. My mom drops me off at his house so we could ride to the skating rink together. his parents were home, in the living room and we went to his bed room and i insisted on leaving the door open. he and i had not been alone since that day and i wanted to keep it that way. we started to talk and he asked why we never fooled around after that. I told him that i just didnt want to. i was scared of my mom finding out, or getting pregnant...

He.. got.. PISSED. i mean, he was ANGRY. he held his hand over my mouth so i couldnt scream, grabbed my arm and held me to the wall in his room. He then said "You're tall, fat and stupid. who else is going to love you like i do? So why won't you give me what I need?"

Those words.. stabbed me in my heart like a million daggers. Thing about it was, i wasnt fat.. i was healthy. Yes, i am tall, always have been my dad is 6"7' what do you expect? I also was NOT stupid. i may not have gotten good grades in school but thats because i was not doing homework or turning my work in. not because i didnt understand it but because I didnt care about school.

He then closed, his door, locked it, covered my mouth with his hand, and had his way with me, again....

I sat on his bed and cried until his dad drove us to the skating rink and i found my best friend at the time and told her almost everything that happened in his room that day. She protected me from him the rest of the night. wouldn't let him near me and she and i danced all the anger and pain away.

Of course, im a sucker for punishment and he used all the right words and came back into my life weeks later.

around this time, I started lying to my mom, i stole from my cousin, worst of all i stoped eating. there was a nagging thought always in the back of my mind that i was fat and needed to lose weight. this was actually pretty easy for me. my mom worked A LOT to support me, anywhere from 8-12 hours a day so i would be left at home alone and simply not eat until she was around. I didnt even eat luch at school. id sit with my friends while they ate lunch and i would pretend to have eaten a lot of snacks during the day, or a large breakfast.

Now, remember when i said that i started lying to my mom a lot. It got to a point where she wouldnt believe anything i said. Which, i cant say i blame her, i was being a bitch. But this caused some abuse from my now ex step dad to go unnoticed. I dont blame her for that, looking back now i know she believes me when i would tell her about the time he punched me in the stomach and i think at times she feels bad she didnt believe me when it happened. so i hold no grudges against her. I only bring this up to explain how truly fucked up i was around this time.

So between having to pretend to like my step dad, to Steve getting inside my head, basically starving myself and having my mom not believe a word i said to her about anything. i started to feel so alone....

if you're wondering, the situation with Steve never went any further than those 2 times mentioned. other than that he was the "love of my life".

Eventually the situation had gotten so bad at home that my mom made me start seeing a therapist. He was the 1st person that knew everything, aside from the ally way no one knew about that until I met my best friend Jeff years later.

Fast foward again. My mom gets pregnant with my sister, so we move to a house with my step dad to a new city.

This is where things changed for me, in a positive way. i met Jeff, he became my best friend, my therapist, my brother, my world. He helped me work through a lot of things that i didnt know how to handel. he was there for me when my step dad started abusing my mom. He was there whenever i needed him. he was my saving grace. my angel. He made me stop talking to Steve and preoccupied my time so Steve couldnt weasel his way back into my life. 30 mins isn't much of a drive for a teenager thinking hes about to have sex. Jeff knew this and protected me from it.

Fast forward again, i am now out of high school, im living with this guy who i started dating my senior year. we had been together for 3 years at this point and it was fading fast. we didnt love each other anymore and did everything we could to not be around each other. Thats when i met Chris. My ride or die. the 2nd closest friend i had beside Jeff. I was seriously over weight at this point, and hated myself. i was living with a guy i didnt love but had to pretend i did around everyone else. She was there for me. offered me a roof to live under if i decided to break up with this guy. She would work out with me to help me loose weight, not because she thought i was fat, but because she knew i wanted it. and she gave me the motivation to want to change. then it eventually happened. my boyfriend and i broke up about a week before Easter in 2011.

This is around the time i met my now fiance. my ex and i decided to make it official and move out of the apt my ex and i were living in about 2 months after we broke up, because i wanted things to be official with my now fiance. I moved in with my mom, he moved in with his grandma and that was the end of that.

In November of 2011 after being told i could not have children since i was 19 i got pregnant, with the most beautiful little girl Kairi. Man was she loved. By everyone. not even in the world yet and she was so.. so loved. August 7th 2012 she was stillborn. her cord wrapped around her neck, with a trueknot. she had been dead for a few days before my body decided it was dangerous and needed to come out.

Sept. 1st we burried half her ashes and kept the other half, she is here with me now. My fiance and i decided that we were ready and we needed to try again.

on August 5th 2013 Quin was born. a beautful healthy baby boy, that looked so much like his sister it hurt at first. but that was my baby, the one thing in my life that i was not ashamed of, the one thing in my life that was missing.

Then, to everyones surpize July 25th 2014 Came Silas. my 3rd baby. My beautiful baby boy whom has made ny life and my home so complete.

Happy ending right? Not really. I love my children, i love my fiance, but im scared. im so broken from so many things. im still tall, fat and ugly in my mind. I still try to fix everyone elses problems before my own. I still keep to myself. social situations make me nervous and scared. everything i do feels wrong. im not happy with myself, im not happy with my job, my living situation. Im just not happy.

And yes, at times i have suicidal thoughts. I would never do anything to harm myself, but theres always that thought of "what if". if not for those 2 little boys and their hugs and kisses and just the fact that they need me. i would welcome death with open arms. but for now. telling my story, finally getting everything off my chest is what i need.

im starting Therapy again on March 1st, so hopefully some real professional help will make a differnce.

I felt like i needed to tell this story, not only for myself but for people who know me. for people who get annoyed that i apologize all the time. people who think i hate them because i wont hang out with them. Im trying. i am. im trying to better myself, for me, for you, for my family.

i love each and every one of you so much. i truly do. i dont hate many people. believe it or not Steve and I made amends a few years ago, and even though i would not call him a friend. i forgive him for everything. if i can forgive him and have peace and closure, i can truly say that i believe in my heart of hearts that i am not this terrible moster that i believe i am. I will give chances after chances. I will forgive people fatser for hurting me than the people i love. maybe thats my problem, i dont know. i know ive made mistakes and if the people ive wronged didnt forgive me, i would truly have no one right now.

I want to help people because i cannot help myself. thats my curse.

sorry for the super long post. and thanks for reading my story.

Love always-

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mountindis-blog · 6 years

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almost 2018

hello, i know i haven’t been here in a while but it’s because i have been busy.

school, work, and life in general kind of just took over me and i never thought twice about documenting any of it since i did not think any of it was worth documenting.

its almost 2018

its almost a new year, a chance for new opportunities, new feelings, new mistakes, new new new.

2017 was honestly the best year of your life. i know that’s a crazy thing to say but i positive that nothing horrible happened to you.. maybe im speaking too soon.. no but seriously, nothing bad happened except for small things here and there but not big enough to take up space in your mind

January was bliss because you were in love

February was confusion because you had feelings you never felt before

March was nice because it felt like a new start

April felt like you had to chance to really focus on yourself (but to be honest i think you just worked a lot) i think this was when you joined EYA?

May was warm, it was summer at an early start

June you were hot and worked loads saving up for the PH

July was the month you went to the Philippines! so many things to see, so many things to learn, so many things you to do. you did it all and took so much in, that resonates with you and made you the person you are. you’ve connected all the pieces together and things start to make sense. you gained a better understanding of the people around you, the place where you came from and yourself; specially.

August mainly worked, tried to loose the wait you gained from the PH, and lots adventures!

September was back to school yikes :$ you enjoyed it though. you soaked it all in like a sponge and felt like thriving with knowledge

October was stress and coffee driven

November was stress and coffee driven and wet, very wet

December - now stress but also nice that its the break. you have laughed loads. also i think that this was a great christmas (present wise) because you got all the things you wanted. you had more freedom

this year was amazing. my relationship with my parents grew, my knowledge about the world grew, ive made new friends and drifted apart from old ones and im ok with it, i learned an instrument, i was apart of an art show and really called myself an artist for the first time, ive also had my lowest points this year with bad decisions ive made (this part still confuses me.. i dont really like how it made me feel with certain expectations for things anymore because of two dumb experiences), this year ive never been more proud of beig a filipino, i dont think ive ever been more passionate about my home, i dont ever think ive ever called it my home, i really cant imagine what the new year has in store. im ready to glow the fuck up and come in fresh with an open mind of what it has in store.

dont think too much about the future and focus on whats going on in the present.

do things for YOU, do the thing YOU want to do, dont sell YOURSELF short, this year is all about you and making you feel at your peak

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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From Joni Mitchell to Laura Marling: how female troubadours changed music

Singing about drugs, politics and disappointment was once seen as a male pursuit and almost half a century after female artists began to defy convention, many are still trying break the mould

In the summer of 1969, Newsweek published an articleunder the headline The Girls Letting Go, charting the burgeoning careers of a group of young musicians it termed a new school of talented female troubadours. They sang about politics, love affairs, the urban landscape, drugs, disappointment, and the life and loneliness of the itinerant performer subjects that, hitherto, had largely been the preserve of male musicians. What is common to them to Joni Mitchell and Lotti Golden, to Laura Nyro, Melanie, and to Elyse Weinberg, the writer, Hubert Saal, observed, are the personalised songs they write, like voyages of self-discovery what they celebrate is the natural, preferring the simple joy to the complex, the artless to the artful and, rather than the holding back, the letting go.

There have been many new female troubadours in the years since fromPatti Smith to Lucinda Williams, Emmylou Harris and Carole King all of them writing and singing across aperiod in which womens liberation made great strides. Today, almost 50 years since Saals article, womens lives are markedly different from the way they were in 1969, but has the world of women in song evolved as markedly?

We are at a peculiar point in the music industry: female artists such as Taylor Swift, Beyonc and Katy Perry have been among the industrystop earners in recent years, yet womens presence elsewhere in the industry is sparse, and female performers are thin on the ground at the summer music festivals. While this has generated much media discussion, how have female songwriters responded?

This early stretch of the year brings releases by several songwriters who might fall into that troubadour category. Artists such as Laura Marling, Courtney Marie Andrews, Julie Byrne and Nadia Reid are writing songs that capture the pulls of both domesticity and the road, and what it means to be living a life that does not entirely tally with convention.

Marlings sixth album, Semper Femina, follows last years Reversal ofthe Muse podcast series, in which she spoke to musicians such as Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris and Marika Hackman, as well as women elsewhere in the industry, such as guitar shop owner Pamela Cole and recording engineer Olga FitzRoy, to explore femininity in creativity from the challenges of writing, recording and touring, to the masculine design of guitars and the fact that women hear differently from men.

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I would say that feminine creativity is inherently different from the masculine, says Marling. Even at its beginnings, she suspects that womens musical impulses have different motivations from those of their male counterparts. I had a lot of chats with Blake [Mills, Semper Feminas producer] when we were making the record, about how we started playing guitar, she says. And he was like: I started playing because I wanted to impress girls. And that was obviously so different from why I started playing guitar that was never in my brain, toimpress boys. So even that crucial difference makes for a different musician. For me, playing guitar has always been tied up with my identity rather than enticing people in, its always been involved in myself.

This album emerged after a time inwhich Marling felt that she had become increasingly masculine determinedly touring alone, lugging her own gear, stepping away from ideas of feminine dress. While this stretch was not long-lived, she believes it gave her an ability to look at women in a different way and consider how Id been looked at. She is resistant to being pigeonholed. I think, when Iwas a teenager, in my head you were either this delicate tragedy or you were a muse, she says. And theyre both such horrifyingly subjugated roles.

She was struck, too, by an old edition of Desert Island Discs in which Marianne Faithfull was the castaway. The presenter said: So, tell me, you must have felt very hard done by that all the Rolling Stones deserted you? And she said: Can you stop trying to make a tragedy of me? Im not a tragedy! Ive lived my life. Obviously, I was a drug addict, but I was always going to be a drug addict. I had an amazing time! And its true, by any other masculine name, all those experiences would be clocked up as experiences and nothing more.

But ideas of what women in music should be are hard to shake. There is animpulse to make an easy tragedy of female musicians who have spent their lives on the road. There is something, too, that expects women to be static, indoor, domesticated and confessional songwriters. As the late John Berger put it: Men act, women appear.

Crucial to this is the idea of women and movement women stepping outside the safe confines of the home and domesticity. For Julie Byrne, the compulsion to keep moving has run intandem with her career as a songwriter. I was always fascinated by thatlifestyle, she recalls. When I was living in Buffalo, New York, where Im from, there was a huge contingency of freight-train hoppers. There was a pretty legendary house in Buffalo called the Birdhouse that was well known in that network. So there was this huge influx of travellers in the summertime, and thered be really glorious parties with music until the early hours I think this was probably where this sense of wonderment camefrom.

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In her teens, a year after she began playing music, Byrne toured with some friends, travelling through Pennsylvania, Ohio, Tennessee and South Carolina. She remembers the joy of that time the new landscapes, playing live, trying to navigate their way to the next city in the days before Google Maps and smartphones. I think it just strengthened all the curiosity I had, she says. I wanted to continue to learn through my experiences that way.

This is not to suggest it was without problems. We were in my friends old Volvo that had a leak in the gas tank, she says. We ended up running out of gas and were stranded on the highway somewhere outside Memphis. That was my first experience of being outside New York state and everything was enchanted. Breaking down, all of it. There was poetry in everything for me then, and I think a lot about that time, how moving just the most mundane aspects were for me when I was younger.

Her experience of the touring life has changed with the years while she retains some of that early wonderment, she also sees its limitations. Her most recent album, Not Even Happiness, was written largely in the time that Byrne was touring its predecessor, Rooms With Walls and Windows, when she gave up the place she had in Seattle, along with her furniture and most of her belongings, because I couldnt afford to maintain a room somewhere while I was on the road constantly.

That weightlessness brought a new quality to her music. A lot of these songs come from the power and the beauty of travel and of relying on the generosity of other people, she says. But also the pain of not having any privacy and not having anywhere to goto weep for the condition of the world or the condition of my own heart, so that was a time of extreme vulnerability. But I think that brought on some meaningful realisations in my life that you carry your burdens wherever you go, and they dont just fall away just because youre across the country or in a different setting. They stay with you until theyre resolved in some way.

Courtney Marie Andrews left her home in Phoenix, Arizona, when she was 16 and began busking along the west coast of America. I just fell in love with the lifestyle, she says. At that time I was so young and so ready to get out of Phoenix I just felt trapped there, and I realised there was so much more to the world. I loved making music with my friends every day, and being in different cities. I thrive on change, and I really felt drawn to the constant movement.

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She soon found work, first as a backing singer for other artists, then playing lead guitar for Damien Jurado, and her life on the road ran on. It was only more recently, after the end of aserious relationship, that she began to consider the drawbacks of a rootless lifestyle. It is a subject she addresses on her latest album, Honest Life, setting all the nights of travelling, playing, eating alone in diners and sleeping in vans against the pleasures of a home and community.

I wrote those songs because Irealised Id spent pretty much my entire later adolescence and early 20s on the road, she says. Id come home and people had cultivated these really in-depth relationships, and I started topine for that. Id be home just for amonth and that would be it. The pluses are playing your songs every night with your friends you cant really complain. But the thing you missis the human connection. That canbecome really hard. You say: Hi, my names Courtney! 500 times on atour.

The trials of life on the road is not an unfamiliar subject for songwriters, but for female musicians there are additional weights: centuries of women being expected to stay at home, as well as the constrictions of time and biology; the music industry is not set up to accommodate parenthood, let alone the physical demands of motherhood. There is also the suspicion that greets women who dont quite conform.

For Byrne, life in freefall is something that can grant womens songwriting extra force and insight. Ithink that women living lifestyles with no fixed home and really having to be at the mercy of that experience will probably transcend that [more traditional] mould, she says. I think women have a certain vision that is so deeply connected to their interior lives, and I think women are inherently willing to be very vulnerable, and have an honesty that theyre willing to share with other people. And thats the most powerful thing there is.

Andrews is similarly hopeful that these songs of the road will still have the capacity to affect their listeners. Its so funny, I always thought, Well, this is just how it is, she says. But its very true [traditionally] men touch on this life in their songs and women talk about domestic issues or their husbands. But I hope that women, or just people in general, can empathise with those stories coming from a woman. Because anybody can live that kind of lifestyle.

Nearly half a century after that first wave of new female troubadours, it seems women songwriters are still muddling out a way to be. But however gradual, what we are witness to is stillan evolution, a slow bucking of convention, women singing songs that tell of a new life and its possibilities; 50 years on they are still letting go.

Not Even Happiness by Julie Byrne andHonest Life by Courtney Marie Andrews are both out now. Semper Femina by Laura Marling is due for release on More Alarming Records on 10March.