#emotional amnesia

[chaos-in-one]

When you’re just chilling and all the sudden just start crying and have to question who tf is causing it because it sure as hell isn’t you

#its so weird #especially when you don't feel the emotions connected to it at all either #augh I hate dissociation #depersonalization #actually dissociative #dissociative disorder #dissociation memes #osdd memes #did memes #system memes #osdd system #actually osdd #actually traumagenic #emotional amnesia #depersonalization memes

[paracosmic-gt]

Our experience of blackouts

Being a dissociative system is living a life where if I stop concentrating for a moment I "wake up" 4 hours later realising the past is a dream and I haven't been there this whole time.

My mind knows what happened, the memories are recorded physically.

But for me, I just...stopped. Then started again. Like falling asleep, you never know the exact point when it happens, and then all of a sudden you're awake again. All these memories are supplied, but to me they are dreamy and foggy. Not really mine but handed to me like a strange gift.

This is regarding autopilot, not switching. When we switch we are actually more aware of time passing than auto, which causes a massive gap. We are consciously engaging, but the autopilot means no one is home.

It is not sentient more than an idle screensaver on a computer. Bouncing around until we move a cursor, and never quite hitting the corner. We are still logged in in some sense, not entirely in the headspace...just in a dark quiet place between.

- J

#plural #actually plural #actually dissociative #dissociative #dissociative disorder #osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #system #system experiences #did #amnesia #system amnesia #blackouts #blackout osdd #emotional amnesia #plurality #dissociative identity disorder #dissociative system #traumagenic #traumagenic system #endo safe

[citrus-system]

#i spent so long on this snhshwjsidnsn #please tell me others relate #emotional voids make me >:3 <- malicious #/meme #// #did meme #osdd meme #amnesia meme #emotional amnesia #system memes

[korya-elana]

Warning: Long post ahead, if people have horse-trauma they may decline to read. Also a warning that we have an alter created to enjoy pain and we go vaguely into that here.

So. A few days ago, I fell off my spooked horse. We are fine, I'm a professional and I know how to fall. But the way it was handled was ... entirely new.

Dummy horse was getting coltish despite his old age (for non-horse people, it means he's getting super energetic and amped up, often due to warming weather and stall boredom during cold season when they can't roam the field) and a noise on the roof startled him right after he'd switched directions and I fell sideways clutching the saddle while the horse ran. And at that point I lost front.

I have zero visual memory. Zero emotional memory. But I remember that Sharps came to front, which is typical since it's our Physical Protector. But so did our Persecutor, Jasper.

If anyone's followed our journey, they know that Jasper has a very ... complicated relationship with the rest of us and spent a few years in The Cells due to being uncompromising in putting us in direct and severe danger until they decided recently to try being "good".

It's so strange, being there but having no control. Hearing but not seeing. They discussed the possible repercussions of keeping hold of the saddle (i.e. the horse starting to buck, ramming us into a wall, the saddle slipping down the side, etc. since he didn't stop after spooking like we expected him to) and the possible risks of dropping the less-than-two-feet off the floor (i.e. we could be trampled, we might spook the other horse being ridden in the arena by a minor, rolling the wrong way and not just getting trampled but tripping and seriously injuring the horse as well, etc.).

Then they came to a simultaneous plan, set a countdown and dropped us. We rolled swiftly off to the opposite side, completely safe if really bruised and sore (as we are still recovering). This all took less than 20 seconds.

We then proceeded to stand up, reassure the minor we were fine, snatch the reins from the now-stopped horse and give it a stern talking-to, and start the cool-down process.

It's rare enough these days that we are in a position that Sharps fronts anyways so that was a scarcity on that account alone. But Jasper has never been given permission to front without his Guard Kell. And they didn't care. They just fronted to get the job done. Their reasoning?

A shrug and "I can't enjoy anything if we're dead." And then they willfully put himself back under guard.

As it was he took care of the intense adrenaline after our fall and most of the initial pain. I'm left to get us through recovery but like ... this is so new. This is such a new part of them that we've never seen before.

From trying to actively get us trafficked/trying to hire someone into torturing us to literally and actively helping to save our life. Guess they really are making an effort.

~Em

#did osdd #did system #system #plurality #alters #system things #plural #didsystem #dissociative amnesia #emotional amnesia #visual amnesia #persecutors #protectors #persecutors turning around #system cooperation

[multiplicity-positivity]

I can relate a lot to everything in the infographic about depersonalization and most (not sure of some) of derealization, but I don't feel anything when I'm talking about my past... It's just weird, sometimes it seems so far away that it is almost like a game I once played or like reading a story in a book.

My memory is so fuzzy that it feels like my brain has filled in MANY gaps in my brain with imagination, leaving only what logically happened.

And memories are hard to tell if they affect me or not... I don't really know what it's like to feel emotionally connected to a memory, really. This is weird, right? ^^'

I don't know why I feel this way, but I would be happy if y'all could explain a little bit about what it's like to feel "emotionally connected" and "emotionally disconnected" from a memory. It's ok if y'all don't, I just needed to tell :)

Sure.

So we used to have this dog. She passed away a few years ago, but she was my very best friend. When I look back on memories we shared together, I feel emotional. I miss her, I feel nostalgic, I feel joy recalling fond moments, and pain when I recall how she passed. In this way, I am emotionally connected to the memories I have of her. I can remember the emotions I felt in the past when I was with her, and I feel emotional simply thinking about our lives together.

Conversely, I have tons of other memories I feel completely disconnected from. I’m cocon often, so I can remember a lot of what happens in our daily life, but those memories don’t ever feel like mine.

A few weeks ago, Margo had to deescalate a situation with a customer at work. The guy had his hand on his gun and was shouting because a different store had messed up his order. She was able to effectively get him to calm down, no one was shot, and he got his order and left. I guess in the moment we were scared… but when I look back at that memory, it doesn’t feel scary to me. I don’t feel anything at all. It’s like I can watch a memory that belongs to someone else, without feeling anything that was felt at the time, and without having any sort of emotional reaction to it.

When dealing with symptoms of depersonalization and derealization, it’s common to have a fuzzy memory. It’s common to think of your memories as something you’ve heard from someone else, read in a story, watched in a movie, or played in a video game, rather than something that actually happened to you.

My memory is incredibly spotty, and like you, I also have huge gaps that are filled in by my imagination or what I believe logically could have happened. I don’t feel emotionally connected to many of my memories at all, but there are a select few that I cherish or can’t escape from, which I’m extremely connected to.

If you deal with DPDR, it’s not weird to be unable to tell whether or not you feel connected to your memories. I feel like many of us in the system encounter that when thinking about our past. I have a strong emotional connection to memories of our dog that passed, but that’s not shared with many of my alters - even those who interacted with her daily and loved her when she was alive.

I wish there was more I could say or another example I could provide, but it’s weird for us too and I’m struggling to think of another memory I’m connected to in order to share 😅 most of my memories feel like they belong to someone else.

But maybe this could help you somehow? Idk sorry if it can’t. We’re not a professional at all and I may be doing a bad job of explaining. It’s really confusing for me too, and I’m honestly still struggling to understand my own memory and how it works. I’m sorry.

💫 Parker

#dpdr #depersonalization #derealization #memory #emotional connection #emotional amnesia

[anthology-moved]

Emotional amnesia can make you forget why you care about the people in your life and maybe that you care about them at all, and it's scary. It's okay for it to be scary. It's okay to be confused and overwhelmed, to find the sudden lack of connection jarring and scary. It doesn't mean you don't care about them or that you're a bad person.

#emotional amnesia #did osdd #system stuff #do not clown on this post on pain of death #emotional amnesia is Rough. don't deliberately make people feel worse about it.

[eternalvoidsystem]

it fucking sucks to be schizoid and a system.

one alter has a certain opinion, certain outlook or take on something and is stubborn on it. alter two fronts and has a completely different opinion, outlook or take and is stubborn about it and doesn’t remember thinking anything else or feeling anything else.

this creates an issue because if a social problem comes around thats long lasting, it just seems like we are trying to gaslight people.

“but you said you felt like ___ and wanted to ___?”

“no i didnt. [doesnt remember] i feel like ___and want ___.”

it makes the other person confused and makes us feel like they aren’t listening. its a problem. especially because we go into such a state of shutdown when a social problem comes about and its hard to change our mind.

#szpd did #did alter #did #dissociative identity disorder #szpd #actually szpd #schizoid #cluster a #did things #did osdd #emotional amnesia #schizoid personality disorder

[trapped--in--a--jar]

i grieve for the grief i know i should feel

#vent #ventcore #system vent #amnesia #emotional amnesia #did vent

[switchy-in-multiple-ways]

Music to remember...

Does anyone else keep a historical record of their music playlists like a photoalbum, because music is the only reasonably certain way to "remember" emotional parts about different periods of their life?

Is this like - a thing, or are we just weird?

#did osdd #osddid #osdd system #dissociative identity disorder #system #osdd #dissociation #emotional amnesia #amnesia #asd #autism #autistic things #neurodiversity

[trauma-trove]

Sometimes I wake up and I literally don't give a shit about my trauma, but it doesn't feel good. Like, I get that it's emotional dissociation, and it's part of the DID doing its job, but sometimes it just feels worse remembering and not being capable of angsting about it. Like what if it was a good day for angsting. What then.

#did system #dissociative identity disorder #emotional amnesia #vent #system stuff

[intothepineforest]

TW: childhood neglect

Someone peeled back the curtains on the memory of that week our mother didn’t speak to us at all for a week as a young teen and I was hit by the crushing despair and loneliness and awkwardness of living alongside a mother who only acknowledged us by leaving food on the counter each day like we were some kind of stray dog you feel obligated to feed, but don’t want in your house.

Thankfully whoever it was has retreated back into the depths and taken those emotions along with them.

I know we should love one another and allow each other the chance to come forward and experience life, but I am not looking forward to their next appearance and I certainly do not want to feel the emotions they’re holding…

I thought I’d come to terms with that memory; turns out I’ve never actually felt that memory!

- A 🌸 a

#sobs in childhood trauma #traumatic childhood #childhood neglect #dissociation #emotional amnesia #flashback #hidden alter #actually dissociative #did #actually disordered

[blyszczopies]

[ID: an animated gif of two canine OCs standing in a fire. they are facing each other, with the one on the left threatening the other one, which seems to be indifferent to that. End ID]

a scene from my Black Heart MAP part! you can check out the video here

#animation #furry #map part #fire #my art #2020 #11/10/2020 #silver #mango #emotional amnesia #sparkledog town #happy holidays have this very christmassy gif on this eve of christmas eve

[pensarecool2]

Emotional Amnesia

This post is about emotional amnesia and how I experience it. The example I am going to give is random and simple. I don’t want to use an example of trauma, because I would rather this remain an explanation post vs turning into a vent post.

Let’s say, idk, Snail is fronting while we eat something very tasty with our partner. Then, Otto fronts. Otto remembers the action and event of having a nice meal. However, if there is emotional amnesia present for this event, then Otto no longer remembers how it tasted good. How it made us happy. How it was an enjoyable event. How we had fun with our partner. The memory is shared, but the meaning is lost.

The reason why this is disabling is because its not (usually) a nice dinner that is going to be stressful enough to cause this kind of amnesia. It can be traumatic, or serious situations. A serious or traumatic event can happen or be in progress, an alter switches out, and now we seem like we don’t care. Because we (or whoever is fronting) don’t. Because it doesn’t matter. We don’t understand why we should care. It can also make it hard to process past trauma. Obviously if you describe what happened; it is horrible. But for the alter who went through it (or more often the ones who didn’t) it can be difficult to process when you feel no connection to the memory.

#emotional amnesia #system resources #system explanation #did system #actually dissociative #did stuff #did alters #cause it’s relevant in syscourse for some reason #syscourse #anti endo #endos dni #the squid system 🦑 #blurry ❓🦑

[lucisentropy]

We are pretty lucky that we only experience very light and partial amnesia as a system. Most of the amnesia is emotional - sometimes I have troubles remembering why my headmate did something, or what it felt while doing it.

Sometimes it feels like the emotional part of their memories is just completely and irreversibly removed when I'm trying to remember them, and it is like watching a movie instead. And then Synth fronts and all those emotional parts of their memories just come back in and make sense again.

It's so interesting how memories and emotions are connected. It feels like even when we remember an event, we are interpolating our own emotions into that memory on the fly, so that our actions make sense for us. But with the memories of my headmate, my method of interpolating the emotions onto them just fails completely.

#plurality #headmates #plural system #pluralgang #osdd #amnesia #plural community #emotional amnesia

[circular-bircular]

Reassurance for those out there: Emotional amnesia is absolutely valid, real, and something many systems experience. You’re valid if that’s your primary form of amnesia.

#emotional amnesia #did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #CDDs #complex dissociative disorder #positivity

[jutebaby]

How we experience dissociation & amnesia

Nonexhaustive list of the different ways dissociation & amnesia can feel for us as an OSDD system. Feel free to add on with your experiences as well.

Dissociation:

Feeling slightly high when we aren't at all

Feeling like our face/body look 'wrong' or 'off' somehow. Can veer into uncanny valley sometimes.

Being unable to focus our eyes

Feeling like our room/apartment isn't ours and we don't live there (very weird feeling to Know you live there but have your brain telling you that's Incorrect). Similarly:

Looking around our environment and expecting it to look like xyz place we haven't been in years

Looking at our body and feeling disconnected from it (ex "those are my hands? wack")

Emotions suddenly 'disappearing'

Feeling like we're floating

Numbed physical sensations

Doing things in a daze, not feeling in control of our body

Amnesia

"I know I was upset earlier but I don't know why/it wasn't that big of a deal/I was overreacting"

Not immediately being able to recall details of the day, memory takes a few moments to download

Feeling like we just woke up somewhere even though we know we didnt

Memories appear to be in third person, still images, or based off of pictures seen later. Very few details of the actual event

"I know this happened but I don't really remember it"

#osdd #did #osddid #emotional amnesia #dissociation #cptsd