#ether nepheli

[noa-de-cajou]

Ether runs.

Breath quick and footsteps light and heading towards nowhere, Ether runs.

It's not about where she runs to

But what she runs from.

She's never stopped, not entirely.

Sometimes she takes a break to catch her breath. It can can last a few days, or months, or years, but in the end she always has to resume her flight.

There are a pack of wolves giving chase behind. She hasn't seen them in a while, though, but she can't afford to rest. One moment of inattention, a few minutes resting her eyes would be more than enough for them to catch up to her and tear her apart with their teeth.

She can't seek anyone's protection, either. She knows because she's tried.

The first one was devoured by a pack of them.

The second one was slain all the same.

The third one turned out to be a wolf in disguise and tore her right eye out with its claws. She barely managed to escape in time.

She's dragging a little girl by the hand as she runs.

The child slows her down. She keeps asking the same question over and over, too. It's irritating.

"Does it have to be this way?"

So Ether bites back,

"Can you find any other?"

The girl always falls silent then, as she should. It's Ether's job to find other ways, not hers.

So they keep running.

But the girl is slow. She can't keep up with an adult pace.

Sometimes Ether thinks she doesn't have to hold her hand. That she should just slit her throat and leave her bleeding on the ground so the wolves would finally have something to eat that isn't Ether. Something that would sate their appetite for a while, maybe.

But then Ether turns around and sees the girl's eyes are hers.

So she tightens her grip on the tiny hand and keeps running.

They can't have her. No matter what happens, they cannot have this little girl.

So Ether keeps running.

She has to keep running.

Even if the wolves are far behind.

Even if they may have been dead for a long time now.

She can't take the risk.

She has to keep running.

No matter what.

So Ether runs.

Ether never stops running.

There is no other way for her to be.

(Even if there is nowhere for her to go.)

You see my face

In every place

But you can't catch me now.

– Can't catch me now, Olivia Rodrigo

#ether #ether nepheli #noa writes stuff #ttrpg #ttrpg character #something about running from a pack of wolves #or is it?

[laslow]

OOC-- Housekeeping + Wanted Plots

Timezoney, ToA! There's a couple things happening over in SamMuse Town today :)

Page Updates

All three of my muses now have rules on their blogs! The info is basically the same across all three, but Lazzy and Leo do have a couple things specific to my portrayals.

Laslow

Leo

Neph

Please ignore the sad state of both Lazzy and Neph's pages; I'm currently fistfighting with support on earning javascript rights (again....they never replied last time I submitted requests sob)

Wanted Plots!

I'm not looking to take on too much this month. I've got quite the backlog + very full inboxes I want to clear out in the near future. (And as for my backlog, thank you to all my thread partners for being so patient with me. The first five months of 2024 have been very up and down for me and my writing mood has never been so unpredictable.)

Lazzy:

Brace yourselves for the arrival of the Garreg Mach Chronicle, the monastery’s brand new tabloid, premiering post-Ethereal Ball. Coincidence? Probably not! They do however have one problem needing solved before they can launch: a lack of proper news-worthy stories. Grab your parchment and pens and maybe a friend and get after them ‘scoops’! (He can totally flutter his eyelashes to find out the proper scoop....right?)

Leo:

Right, so, about those monsters! It turns out they might be smarter than you are, because you can’t just walk up to them and start swinging, and they also look to have little interest in your cute traps and snares. You’re going to have to get creative about it, before the hunters become the hunted. [Grants Any Skill +1]

Nephenee: (She is Serios Knight and can do any task this month)

If there’s one thing the incredibly rich are known to enjoy, it’s their exotic imports. This mysterious benefactor of yours is no different; your task for the day is to shuttle some rare creatures from port to the stables. They’re perfectly docile, supposedly, but whispers are quick to spread. Those from Magvel recognize Gargoyles and Deathgoyles when they see them, but you don’t have to come from afar to know that whiplike tails and talons that can tear through flesh with ease might just spell trouble. Aaanyway, be sure not to harm a hair on these exorbitantly expensive beasts’ heads! [Grants Flying +1]

Right, so, about those monsters! It turns out they might be smarter than you are, because you can’t just walk up to them and start swinging, and they also look to have little interest in your cute traps and snares. You’re going to have to get creative about it, before the hunters become the hunted. [Grants Any Skill +1] (Duessel)

And that's all! Please DM or ping me in Discord, or message me here on tumblr :) Thank you friends!!

#ooc #wahoo

[vampvelvet]

ship names for my ocs with no context other than they have elemental magic powers

fire hazard

mud

frostbite

anime protag x love interest (otherwise known as sleet I guess)

gay and homophobic (this guy gets to be alone forever)

sandstorm

hurricaine

coarse dirt

snowplow

ex snowplow

#nephs ocs #not ethereality tho this is some old ocs

[izousaito]

Okay so I found this post earlier and said I wanted to write on it a bit, so here goes.

Dicey topics include Underage sex and pederasty (In a historical context), consent (in a historical context), death, murder, and blood. Call this your warning.

Note: I don’t condone the dicey topics I speak of. I am merely comparing ideas of a modern era with those of a bygone era and looking at them objectively.

I’m starting with Zoisite’s view of Neph and Naru’s relationship. He genuinely believes that Nephrite is in love with Naru, and while he does think Naru is a disposable pawn in the grand scheme of things, he sees their love as valid. The love between a grown-ass man and a fourteen-year-old girl. This says a lot about what he feels is acceptable and certainly clashes with modern mindsets on the matter. 

He has no room to judge; there is an obvious age gap between himself and Kunzite, and we see them in love, and rather doting and genuine in their love. But I really don’t see this as the pot calling the kettle black. These are men who lived back in a time when pederasty was a cultural norm. Zoisite, the youngest of the four, was most certainly the most recent victim of it. When getting to such ages as Nephrite and Kunzite (mostly Kunzite because he is the older) it was expected of him to take someone younger as a lover (even if some during that era might think Kunzite just a smidge too young and inexperienced to handle a young ward).

Fourteen years old? That’s about the right age. 

“But Brit,” I hear someone calling from the background. “That’s almost middle-aged for someone of that time! People died at 25 back then.”

No. The average lifespan is skewed because of high infant mortality. Many people lived into their sixties, seventies, and eighties if given the chance to. Get past the first 20 years, and unless you’re a soldier or just really unlucky or hated, you’re pretty solid. 

That said, people were socially considered adults much earlier than we do today. Naru and Zoisite would both have been considered adults back during the original Shitennou lifetime. The way Zoisite would see it is that they are two consenting adults, one older than the other as society tended to dictate for a man of Nephrite’s standing.

The romance bit is a little harder, but it certainly is validated by his relationship with Kunzite and the importance that he puts in it. Not to mention, it sets up his own death quite nicely. HOWEVER, there is a difference between the kind of death he seems to approve of for Nephrite and the one he himself meets.

This scene is very taunting. He is mocking Nephrite for his failure as a soldier, even while acknowledging Naru and his relationship. Nephrite’s death is not something to be proud of. It is a man killed in battle, but not like ancient ideas would approve of. Zoisite feels that Nephrite turned traitor. His death, even with love in there, is still the disposal of a traitor.

In comparison, Zoisite did not switch sides before his death. Yes, his plans started to fail, but he never turned tailcoat. It was quick and untimely, but he was allowed to die beautifully. It’s also framed differently. Much more sympathetically (the Op commented on how Nephrite’s blood was green, while Zoi’s was red. I’ll get into this in a moment). With being held, the flowers, the fact that he was being avenged afterward, got his final request, no regrets, Zoisite’s death is less of an assassination and more of a sacrifice. 

Devil’s Advocate: Not so much a sacrifice as an executed failure. However, I personally believe that if he had been given the time, Zoisite would have been able to rebound. By Zoi’s life being sacrificed it gave Kunzite the motivation he needed to dedicate himself fully to the task of taking down the Senshi and finding the Silver Crystal.

Back to the blood thing. Nephrite’s blood was shown as green while Zoi’s as red This could very easily have been a thing regarding editing since that was a lot of on-screen blood and that could really be scary to younger viewers. Zoisite’s Youma also could have tainted Nephrite’s blood to turn it that color. Just an idea.

My personal belief is that it was a matter of attaching us to the characters. While Nephrite, yes, was human, seeing him as something different from human and gaining humanity for Naru’s sake with his death is very endearing. Also, green blood adds to the whole ethereal vibe he got from being so star-obsessed and prophetic. I don’t think anyone would have been surprised if he bled green because of just how otherworldly he seemed.

Zoi’s red blood holds much more weight. Of all the Shitennou that we see, he is easily the most human. He has a wide range of emotions, he is manipulative and can be manipulated. We can connect with him and his jealousy, his rage, his arrogance, his admiration, and his sorrows. If he bled anything other than red, all of that development emotionally would have been lost in an instant. His death would not have been a shame like Nephrite’s, who could have used his newfound good to help the Senshi, but just the elimination of something merely pretending to be human. By giving him red blood, we stay attached to Zoisite as a character who always had come off as incredibly human. The lines of morality are blurred; when the enemy bleeds the same as you do, how evil are they really? 

(Note that An the Makaiju Alien in Season 2 also bled red, and she was plant-based. It’s all in humanity and color psychology)

Anyway, that’s enough of that. Thank you for reading if you did <3 Please feel free to leave comments or feedback!

#❀ | 𝐹𝒶𝓁𝓁𝑒𝓃 𝒫𝑒𝓉𝒶𝓁𝓈 (OOC) #❀ | 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝑀𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒦𝓃𝑜𝓌 (About)

[noa-de-cajou]

You know what really hurts me about Ether and Dal?

It's that even if Ether forgave him for what he did to her, even if Dal made it up to her and even if they actually tried to mend their friendship

Ether would always say

"You could have left."

And Dal would always reply with

"You could have stayed."

That's the core of their dispute. That's the core of their rupture. That they will never, ever agree on.

That's the core reason why they can never be friends again.

#noarambles #ether nepheli #dal #dalnae'hyr llokarsharan #ttrpg #lysara #they make me unwell #dal is the canon event #each of them represents everything the other loathes and everything they wish they could understand #man o< - <

[noa-de-cajou]

Lamia and Lycarn belong to @hel-phoenyx, Faloi, Braterstwo, Alderich and Redemane (last three only mentioned) to @corneille-but-not-the-author, Agathe to @thal-ent

A little response to something Louna wrote back in december uwu

____

“Faloi, with all due respect, what the actual fuck?!”

Ether raises her eyebrows at the woman standing in front of Faloi’s desk.

Wow. Rude.

She’s pretty, for sure. Abyss, she’s gorgeous even. But that doesn’t give her the right to do whatever this was. Faloi calmly gestures towards where Ether is standing in response, introducing her as his counselor. The woman seems to calm down from her initial shock, and extends her hand towards Ether with a much nicer expression.

"Apologies for the impoliteness. I am princess Lamia Frosilaen, heir to the throne of the divine Mandate, and charged of the diplomacy between my kingdom and the Republic.”

Lamia Frosilaen. Now Ether remembers. Faloi's cousin, whom he rarely talks about, but when he does it’s always with a form of fondness in his eyes. Ether only sees a princess who’s trying to get on her good side. Not someone Faloi should look at with that much trust.

Deep down, she knows that she's mostly being jealous. Petty. But given the way Lamia looked at her barely past the office's threshold, she thinks maybe she has a right to be juste a little bit annoyed.

She takes the hand offered to her and shakes it with lukewarm enthusiasm.

“It is… an honor.”

She doesn’t mean that at all and Lamia can probably tell, but she doesn't look particularly hurt or offended. Good. Ether may prefer to be honest but it's always pleasant to not fear the death penalty for disrespect to an important official. Well, even if she did, Faloi would probably save her ass. Like he always does. She glances at him as the thought crosses her mind, and immediately feels Lamia’s blue stare on her face. Abyss strike her, what is it with the Frosilæns and their ridiculously piercing eyes?

"Faloi, would it be possible to talk to you privately as soon as possible ? I have urgent matters to discuss with you, and Shifahrad will get worried if I don't come back in time.”

A shiver runs down Ether’s spine. She knows.

She knows and that's probably what said private talk will be about. Faloi doesn't seem fazed, but again, he never really does.

"Of course. Ether, if you please…”

Ether obeys and leaves, albeit reluctantly. She understands where Lamia’s wariness comes from, of course. After all, she’s genosian, just like Chifuniro was, and she’s close to Faloi, just like Chifuniro was.

But I'm not her.

That is both a regret and a relief.

She didn't choose where she was born. She did choose to leave home, but she didn't choose to be cast away from her country. She’s happy she was, now.

But no matter what, she isn't trusted.

Braterstwo is jealous of her, Alderich almost seems afraid, and Lamia is wary. The only person to trust her is Faloi.

But how can she blame them? She betrayed her country, her colleagues, to join the enemy. She doesn't have political ambitions or dreams like they all do. She only cares about the fate of this country because it’s dear to the person she loves. A person who doesn't even love her back.

And who would trust a genosian, anyway? Even she wouldn’t.

But she will always be one, no matter what she does. Her left arm is a constant reminder of this.

Their stares, too. Braterstwo’s, Alderich’s, Lamia’s, all of their eyes see her the same.

An elf, an opportunist, a leech, an intruder, but first and foremost, a genosian.

Lamia’s eyes looked at her and they said danger. Potential, but a danger nonetheless.

Faloi is the only one who looks at her without barriers.

But if everyone he loves tells him that she’s no good, will he listen? Will he abandon her?

She thinks about Lamia, the trust with which he looked at her.

Ether’s little selfish brain can’t help but dislike her.

She wishes she never came here.

____

Where were you, Lamia?

Where were you? Where were you when he needed you? Where were you when he died, Lamia?

I wasn't here.

I was in his room. Our room.

Reading.

Reading while the axe sliced through him.

Reading while he died alone.

Fucking. Reading.

You could have been there. You could have gone with him, Lamia. But you didn’t.

If I went with him, I would have died too.

Because I'm weak.

You could have protected him. Or at least you could have bought him time. Stopped them. You could have done something. Anything.

I couldn’t do anything.

I could only cry and I can't even do that anymore. There's no tears left.

No shoulder left to cry on, either. I can't burden Redemane with my own grief. He's already kind enough as it is.

You stopped several Coups before. You could have stopped this one. Right ? Right ?

He put all those efforts into making sure I wouldn’t be alone.

Yet I still feel alone.

There’s no one to talk about him with. Redemane didn't know him that well.

You did. I know you did.

But you’re not here.

Where are you, Lamia?

I wish you were here.

______

“Congratulations on your marriage, Ether.”

Lamia Frosilæn looks much older than what Ether remembers. It's been almost a century now. Of all the places they could have met again, she wasn't expecting it to be Ether’s wedding to the very Empress of the Shabbathai-Qianfu. And she wasn’t expecting her to be surrounded by a whole harem of women either, but who is she to talk.

“Why thank you, your Majesty. I trust you've been well?

“I have, thank you.”

Lamia looks about a lively sixty now, and she’s probably much older than that, but again, who is Ether to talk? The former queen's eyes are still as piercing as ever, but this time they’re not wary. They’re… almost nostalgic.

Ether shifts a bit awkwardly, not knowing what to say. She's not the little impulsive counselor she was back then, and all the anger she felt has disappeared with time. She doesn’t have much to say to her. They've both aged, both grown.

And the one person who could have helped them to bond is still dead.

“Did you have something you wanted to say to me?” Ether finally asks when the silence becomes too much to bear.

Lamia smiles faintly at her.

“I wanted to see what you'd have become, mainly. I won't be around much longer, and I want to go with as few regrets as possible. I'm glad to see that you found your happiness.”

Ether smiles back, a bit more cynical.

“Well I went to Abyss and back to get it, so I'm glad too. But if I may correct you, and I will, this isn’t the first time.”

She looks around the palace gardens, sees Ai talking to important guests she knows, Agathe and Lycarn trying to steal as much food as they can like they won’t be able to eat it for the rest of her lives in the palace. The lights, their smiles, this evening, it's not perfect but it's getting close.

“I was married once before. I found happiness then. I also fell in love with a lie and still found happiness.”

She turns back to Lamia. The former queen doesn't share any physical traits with her late cousin, but Ether thinks they look a lot alike, in a way.

“And Faloi was my happiness, too.”

Lamia's eyes fall on Ether’s necklace, the only thing with her earring that doesn’t quite seem to fit her wedding attire.

“I think you were his as well.”

Her smile finally reaches her eyes.

“If I do see him again, I'll tell him about you. I think he'll be relieved. And beyond proud.”

A little tear burns Ether's eye, she quickly wipes it. There’s no shame in crying at your own wedding, sure, but she doesn’t want to.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me. Please send him my love, if you meet again.”

The smile on Lamia's lips grows more teasing.

“You’ll tell him yourself when it’s your turn to go, Ether. Only I decide when to play messenger.”

Ether laughs. That’s right, she can tell him herself, when the time comes. And it won't come before a while. She looks at Lamia, holds her hand out to her. The one made of flesh. Lamia looks surprised for a second, but grabs it nonetheless, squeezes it lightly. There’s a mutual understanding, a shared sentiment in their eyes.

You're here.

The time for wishes is long past.

#noa writes stuff #ether nepheli #lamia frosilaen #faloi frosilaen #something about Ether and Lamia #and wishes #ether envied lamia a lot I think #i care them #lysara

[noa-de-cajou]

I think writing a short story that's slowly turning into a sort-of-novel is actually really good for me

Because you know at the start it was just supposed to be 20-pages long backstory for a ttrpg character

Now I'm 96 pages in and I know I have much more to write and that I probably will write much more after the campaign planned this christmas is over

And it just feels so nice to write something that you know will get big but doesn't have that much ambition.

I have a character. I think her story is worth telling. Even if it's just to myself or to my little group of six, seven other people.

I've been writing her story for three months and I'm happy about it.

Writing feels good again. :)

#writing #author #writer #ttrpg #ttrpg character #to love writing again #ether nepheli #ether #noarambles

[noa-de-cajou]

She kissed me

She kissed me and I didn't hate it

But now I feel cold and hot and cold again

I think it's fear

I can't speak

I can't speak yet all I have are questions

Questions I cannot ask her

Questions I wish wouldn’t fill my head

Is this a lie

Is this a trick

Will you be like the last person who kissed me

Will you touch my chest but desire my lungs

Caress my belly but yearn for my liver

Run your hand through my hair but turn your nails to blades

Speak to me but only to raise the price of my brain

Gaze into the gold of my eyes but only see the gold they’d bring you

Are you admiring my body or has your mind already cut me into parts to sell like I'm meat

Do you kiss me but only to tear my heart out through your teeth?

And if that isn’t the reason then why do you love me

When I spent years making myself as undesirable as can be

When I made myself desperately unattractive so I could be safe

When I smoked to make my lungs wrinkle and blacken

When I drank to destroy my liver and feel it becoming rotten

When I cut my hair short and cut and cut and cut until there was nothing to grab anymore

When I made myself look stupid so no one with a brain would ever value mine

When I replaced my eye with a cursed and wretched thing so no nails would dare to dig in

When I overworked my body so it would fail me before anyone else could

When I tortured my heart with the past so it would always bleed

When I made my tongue sharp so no one would kiss me again

Why did you do it anyway?

Maybe you saw through it all

Maybe you saw the blade of my tongue was fake

Or maybe you didn't care if you got cut

Maybe you didn't care if your lips bled through

Maybe you trust me enough to let your insides spill down my throat

Maybe you do think I'm beautiful somehow

Maybe you do love me

Maybe I do love you

But I don’t say it

Instead all that comes out is a tear

The only thing that I can muster from within

One sorry tear

The only thing I can offer

All I do is make you suffer

All these years making myself worse yet now I wish I was better

I'm sorry, so sorry

There is nothing to desire, nothing to love, see

Even my insides are ugly.

– Monologue of an unsold brain

#noa writes stuff #ether nepheli #lysara #poetry #ig #got a lot of inspo #wanted to write what went through Ether's brain when Ai kissed her #my baby is traumatized #getting nearly organ trafficked by your gf of twenty years does that to people #this is a leonova hate post btw

[noa-de-cajou]

My next ttrpg character, Ether, is just the "former gifted kid who's now a disappointment" trope taken to an extreme

A really really huge extreme

I will not elaborate

#lysara #ttrpg #Ether Nepheli #oh to look like the dumbest bitch alive while simultaneously being a smartass #former gifted kid turned pirate #“i don't need no degree to sing wellerman and drink rum” #i have so much stuff to say about her but I cannot #noarambles

[noa-de-cajou]

Non-human life expectancy and loss: Comparative thoughts on my ttrpg characters

As some of you may know I tend to make ttrpg characters whose life expectancy goes a long way. I won't talk much about Swan here but I'll look into Lubell (age immortal) and Ether instead (500 years life expectancy). Trying not to spoil too much about Ether for my fellow players.

Lubell has lived thousands of years. She was aged 60 during the campaign and experimented two major losses at 40 and 45 : first her kid that she had to abandon, then her lover who was brutally killed. Lubell is extremely one-dimensional in her grief: everything is her fault and she must atone for the rest of her existence. She used to deemed worthy of living only the people that she loved, all the rest could burn every color of the rainbow for all she cared. Only after her losses did she realize that she made many people suffer the same grief she was experiencing. And she's killed hundreds if not thousands of people as a demon paladin in 45 years. The guilt Lubell feels is not just guilt for abandoning her child and not stopping her lover from getting into a dangerous situation: it's the guilt of a thousands lives wasted she carries. That's what her grief is about. It's the loss of her family as potential validation pattern, it's grieving anything she could have been.

Lubell doesn't want to heal because she believes healing and living on would be unfair to everyone she hurt. That she doesn't have the right to experience anything good because she had her chance and wasted it. (Ironically, she ends up with two of the healers of the party. Something something growth, something something character arc.) She went from not giving value to any life outside of her scope to not giving her own life any value. She was shown that it wasn't the way. Such a mindset only brings more hurt. But before that, Lubell was unprepared for grief because she avoided every good relationships she had (until forced into the party) and was always surrounded by nearly-immortal people. Hence self-sacrificing tendencies, because grief feels like a worse fate than death to her, like a virus her body wasn't used to. To Lubell, loss = self-blame. Killing the BBEG, however, was a mercy that finalized her getting out of that mindset. I may develop on this in another post.

To summarize: Lubell experienced loss and the grief that came with it very brutally, twice, and therefore saw it as a terrifying thing that had to be kept away at all costs.

Now onto Ether.

Ether will be 119 when the campaign starts. Her relationship to loss is completely different: loss is something that's embedded into her, something that's inevitable. Ether lost many people that were very dear to her, and not just lovers. She saw complete strangers age and die while she stayed exactly the same, she saw countries and people and customs change all around her, she witnessed the world after a war. Ether lost people and lost many homes, not all of them to death. Ether expects to lose something the moment it falls into her hands, but can't bring herself to throw it away. Ether sees grief as a constant that doesn't drown out all the good, but to her good is impermanent. There's nothing she can really keep, and the more she ages the more jaded she becomes. Ether can't help but feel like she's *too* permanent. There's the loneliness of not feeling attached to her elven counterparts and never being around people with the same temporality. There's the loneliness of changing more slowly than everything else around you. The loneliness of the world changing as soon as you get attached to it.

Where Lubell sees grief as something to avoid, Ether powers through it because loneliness is much worse to her than loss. If you're grieving, it means you are able to lose things, because you had things and you loved those things. Ether knows grief is the price she pays for love. She remembers many names but starts forgetting faces. Many places to stay but never a permanent home. There's a resignation in her life, knowing she never gets to keep anyone, that she's the first to lose and never the one lost. And yet she tried. She tried, and she's stopped trying. Or she's decided to stop trying but very much failing at it. Ether values life too much to stay indifferent. So she keeps forming bonds with people knowing full well that she won't keep them. But having the slight hope that she will.

To summarize: Ether's life is composed of at least four or five world-shattering losses and of hundreds of smaller ones. She believes she'll just go through it again and again. She tries to go by the "it is what it is" mentality. She doesn't know yet that maybe it doesn't have to be this way.

So we have the one that refused loss and the one who deems it inevitable.

The second one hasn't had her development yet.

I can't wait to see it. :)

#discussion of grief #discussion of loss #loss #tw grief #ether nepheli #lubell an yang #lysara #ttrpg #noarambles #i may add more to this #when it gets clearer

[noa-de-cajou]

Agathe belongs to @thal-ent, Lycarn (mentioned) to @hel-phoenyx

-----

Most of the time, it's easy to ignore.

Most of the time, I forget it even exists.

But sometimes, on my worst days, when I spent hours on medical files or when I didn’t sleep well because of the nightmares, I can feel it. Not directly, though. It’s not something you can taste, or touch, but you can tell it’s there. I can tell from the way Ai or Lycarn stand next to me, the way their hands either linger longer or less than usual, the way they ask me if I'm okay. It’s easy to lie, brush it off as a “got up on the wrong foot” kind of day.

The only one I can't lie to is Agathe. Because she sees it. She sees how it squirms, how it fluctuates. Out of all of us, she's the one with the most information about what it could be.

She's never revealed anything about it. Not for lack of trying.

“Ether, I think I should tell you about your aura. It’s not…”

“I know.”

“It's not normal.”

“I know.”

“We should…”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no? Ether, it might be dangerous for you if we leave it unchecked.”

“We already know it's dangerous, angel, but as long as no one attempts to sell me for parts again, I should be okay.”

My jokes usually make her laugh, but it wasn't the case this time. She just kept that worried expression. The one saying “don't carry this alone”. Usually, I'd let myself go.

Except I can’t rely on anyone but me to carry this.

Agathe was not convinced at the time. She stepped closer. I stepped back.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Yes I'm sure.”

“Ether…”

“I told you I'm okay, damn it!”

I shouted at her. I never shout at her.

She recoiled a little with a surprised look on her face, and then her brow furrowed with worry. Not anger, worry. Like she was seeing something I couldn't. Like she was seeing it move with my emotions and I told myself to calm down. Calm down. Anger might just trigger it.

Why is no one angry at me?

Why am I so angry at everything?

Sometimes I wish the Collector didn’t tell me about it.

I know it’s there. Inside, somewhere, making me a ticking timebomb that would only need a few aimed pushes to go off.

It has protected me, true.

But at what cost?

It gave hope to someone, and this someone brought suffering to dozens.

I don't know its exact nature. I just know it can open things that should never be opened. Who knows what else it could do? I don’t want to know.

It’s not me. But it’s inside of me. Like some kind of incurable disease.

How ironic.

I contemplated telling Agathe the truth about how I felt then. But I didn’t.

“Sorry I yelled.”

“It’s okay,” she replied softly. “I’m sorry I pushed it.”

Why aren’t you angry?

Why? Why? Why?

We never talked about it again. Even if I still feel her stare on my back.

I didn’t tell her the truth.

The truth is simple, really.

I don’t want to acknowledge it.

I don’t want to look at it.

This thing that hurt more people than it saved, I don’t want it.

And more than anything,

I'm scared of it.

I can try to be sincere and honest about everything else, but this? I can't. It's easier not to.

It's better off locked away.

Even if it ends up choking me out of my own goddamn mind.

#noa writes stuff #lysara #ether nepheli #ether and her fucked up relationship with alea jacta est #why study it when you can pretend it doesn't exist #she might feel better about it had she used it in the campaign but I couldn't jump on the occasion #so might as well write about how she feels with it :) #the one (1) thing she can't bear to ask help for #uwu

[noa-de-cajou]

Me : Oh the Genos trio actually had a happy childhood before shit went down!

Meanwhile Dalnæ'hyr worked himself to the bone to become a Professor in Mathematics like his father and grandfather without ever questionning if that's what he truly wanted to do, even if his dad would have supported almost any career choice

Ether used to stitch up her injuries on her own without telling her parents to "train" for becoming a surgeon from 10 to 14 years old

Nenia's childhood stopped when she was 8 and her sister left, and as a teen she injected herself with drugs to stay awake and later let a highly venomous snake bite her until it was domesticated enough and she developed a tolerance

But yes

A happy childhood <3

All hail Genos <3

#noarambles #lysara #ether nepheli #nenia bastet #dalnae'hyr llokarsharan #genos trio #i have many thoughts about them and most of them make me unwell #they're all a different flavor of fucked up

[noa-de-cajou]

A few frictions between two stones and the pile of branches catches fire. Anyone could see it from miles away in the night, but she knows no one will come.

It rained yesterday, so the soil is still a bit humid in places, but luckily the wood she picked up was already dry. She folds the bottom of her cloak beneath her to sit more comfortably.

She picks up an unused twig from the ground and starts drawing lines in the soil. They form a number. 74.

Happy birthday to you…

Her voice is raspy, her throat parched from thirst and lack of use. She hasn’t spoken to anyone in weeks, only exchanging a few words with the people that are kind enough to give her some food and water without asking for anything in return. Another traveler passes by her sometimes, but they never talk. The road ahead is still long and most people don't have time to waste. She does.

Happy birthday to you…

The last birthday she spent alone was precisely forty years ago, but she didn’t even notice it back then. She was too busy running away from bandits and learning how to make fire on her own and how to cook insects when food ran out. And she had somewhere she was headed to. Now? She’s just wandering.

Happy birthday to you, Ether…

This year, there will be no kids jumping onto her at ungodly hours in the morning to scream happy birthday to her. No friendly hands on her shoulders, no sleepy smile, no kiss on her forehead, no one greeting her in bed and playfully asking if she knows what day it is. There’s not even a bed to be greeted in. No one to wish her anything.

Happy birthday…

No one to remember.

No one to care.

To…

A particularly brutal gust of wind blows the fire out. As Ether’s hair falls onto her shoulders, so does the darkness around her. Her song ends in a whisper.

… You.

It's March 22nd, a few hours past midnight. Lost somewhere on the southern Gaikamshigthai Steppes, a woman sits in front of what was an attempt at a campfire with her arms wrapped tight around herself. It’s not raining but her cheeks are wet. It's not that cold but she’s still shaking.

It’s her seventy-fourth birthday, and she’s alone.

#noa writes stuff #ether nepheli #lysara #thought about this and made myself sad #and since I don't dwell much on that in her story I wrote something here #ether has a. complicated relationship with birthdays #anyways I'm not sorry #she makes me unwell

[noa-de-cajou]

Me : *chilling*

My brain : Hey isn't it funny how Ether thought she was a small, insignificant part of Faloi's life and then realized as she got older that he was actually such a small part of her life too but it was never insignificant and never lost its meaning and the love and the grief were still there the world just grew bigger around it as she aged ? And that Faloi never got to age after her and with her but that nonetheless she was the last loving smile he saw before he died and that she meant so much to him as well?

Me :

Me : I was having a good day

#noarambles #lysara #ether nepheli #faloi frosilaen #we're doing another AU RP with them with the GF so I'm back in my feelings about them #they saved each other and it still wasn't enough #or maybe it was #goddammit #me when the two characters I hyperfix on are a pair #and the fact that their relationship is more QPR-like if anything just kills me more as an aro #like he told her “i love you without loving you” last rp and that hit so hard because #it doesn't sound bad #it sounds so fucking... aaaaaaaa #I am so unwell the tags are getting longer than the actual post #i could ramble about it for hours but I don't want to be ANNOYIIIIIING